Hollywood Handbook - Try Month, Our Close Friends

Episode Date: March 22, 2022

The Boys try to salvage Try Month with quantity over quality.Watch the video of this recording at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast yeah so sorry i was a little frazzled at the beginning just like you know it's okay we're all feeling it you know so you guys are aware obviously like you know how i'm stuck in this like sick psychosexual game with my wife yeah yeah so um and every and everybody kind of knows it's a it's a cuck kink i mean it it is and we're a few weeks deep now um so she's probably taken four or five lovers at this point and is pretty brazenly displaying her infidelities at the infinite cocktail parties we attend in the sort of local southern mansions of the neighborhood and you know i on the one hand i do find it frustrating and i do get angry but there's a level at which the anger i feel and the things it makes me do

are now the only area of my life where i feel any passion yeah okay so you know it's it's a it's a double-edged blade and this isn't this isn't about me obviously and i really don't want to make it about me i know i don't know what to do when you come to me you're screaming yeah i know i just i try to keep a cool head around my friends but i yeah but i you know i try to keep it contained to okay really have two coping mechanisms one is screaming i will retreat to my snail shed where i keep okay you know thousands of snails and um you know my wife will have displayed her nude body before me and then pretty uh performatively denied me sex and then i'll just go kind of stand in the dark and smirk at two of my pet snails making love but that doesn't totally

take care of it and doesn't totally justify them either i spent a lot of time with them i i feel like i need to do something with them did Did you read that, neither here nor there, but that Affleck was so good with the snails in Deepwater? Oh, I haven't heard. I haven't read. Is that the new movie? Yeah. Oh, right.

I just heard that he's amazing. We did a teaser freezer. Amazing with the snails. There's snails in it. And he was amazing with them. You had another coping mechanism well the other one of course is that i do um murder the the lovers of my wife which i assumed was part of what she wanted like she's trying to get me wound up she invites them over for dinner you

know i sit and have a somewhat cordial dinner with them while they sneak around and have sex in the crevices around my house while i'm you know reading bedtime stories to my child so i didn't but she now seems she's pissed at me i'm in trouble for my her lovers and again i really don't want to make this about me yeah sure don't we but i do need some guidance here please we've got we've gone back and forth on this and this is like i understand this is a very uh difficult situation for you it is it is it's been really trying for the past several weeks but that this was a planned arrangement that you spent years and years just like laying the groundwork for just doing this and it seems like every time you come to me i'm like isn't before it was complaining about how difficult logistically this was to put together in a way that it could be executable

and now that it's happening to come over to dinner when they know they're yeah having sex with my wife yeah all that like that that stuff has been the crevices just like getting the the like the the house has to be laid out to have all these crevices and now i don't know i guess i just kind of thought once it had started that my role would change of having to just like listen to the screaming belly aching and yeah no no no no no you like a really really screaming really loud and you were screaming before about how much the renovation was costing and how like all the spontaneity was gone any crevices like it was such an open layout which you know is nice for entertaining but it's really not good for a cuck kink which is is what i have in this sick psychosexual game with my wife so and so i'm sort

of like isn't he happy isn't this what he wanted but i guess not or like no i yeah i and the answer is i don't know like i think the ennui that i feel that you know my um tremendous wealth and success has led to a kind of boredom where uh i i guess i do want this drama. It's the place I can manufacture it. But I don't like that famed Chicago and theater veteran, Tracy Letts, is suspicious of me. There was drama before is what's also confusing to me about this. About the renovations? Yeah, about the renovations and about just like the legalese and kind of like putting all this together.

You injected a huge amount of drama into like every aspect so the idea in the snail shack i know was i i remember having a lot because like getting the misters to operate properly and the getting the snails the kind of snails that would rut just like would and would ooze all over my hands and i just put them on my fingertips and like display them to people yeah yeah no i i see that i i've been something uh of a selfish party in this dynamic and and so i don't mean to lay it on you i've just i am in a six cycle game with my my wife. I have now committed multiple murders, as she has committed multiple affairs.

I know that it's stressful on my friends. I know it is. And it's stressful, just her energy is too. Every party we have, she commandeers all the attention so that she can perform an obscure Italian song that every guest somehow knows the chorus of, and they all sing it together. we act like it's charming but i i can feel that some of you guys are going like this is not how i wanted to spend the party yeah uh we can't talk about

this and like we we have to do the show we have to cut this whole thing we're already running behind yeah and i don't want to be found out. Yeah, I know. I know. And I know we're all a little bit frazzled. And I actually left my I left. I left one of the wallet of one of the victims in in the snail. We can't we can't talk.

Just I know I'm just bringing it. I'm only bringing it up because like, honestly, it didn't make any sense. And I think I just felt like i have to do something with these snails we uh and i imagine like we're a weird time for you to like start something like this because tri-month has been such a disaster i think about it all the time we've had so we just run back through it we had parquet courts we had tom and julian together for the 19th time yeah we had james austin johnson oh yeah and now we're in week four i want to say so this is tri-month we used to have tony hawk john ham yeah sin bad weird al weird al three of those were in one this is only the

third time we've done trimoth yeah second time i think we had um we did podcasters promise so we needed a win we needed this one to be a win yeah because podcasters promise i think everybody felt what we felt which was that it it was a scam it was a scam it was a con uh and it went we were not really unsuccessful the only reason it can't really be called that is because nobody ended up being fooled no one profited in any way no one yeah no one i guess some people lost the time they invested yeah um so the police would be like what what are your damages people want people did pursue you know suing the show saying that they had uh you know built up a lot of tri-month they gathered all their friends for tri-month and the the police and the lawyers just said what are your damages and the answer is like it's really just time and so this month

for tri-month guests i just want to say parquet courts and james austin johnson are things that we would used to call guests yeah those used to be just what we would call guests that was just a guest you might get totally good high end a plus level guests that's right just month guests month tom and julie being on the show that we refer to as tuesday that's one we'd call Tuesday. That was, yeah, you're just kind of feeling around in the bottom of your knapsack and you go like, do I have anything in here? And it's like, well, Tom and Julie, which, and you're like, thank goodness. I love them. And I carry them with me everywhere.

Right? Oh, they're in my knapsack. I would have been starving if I hadn't had this. But we need to pull this one out we got uh i understand that kevin you a lot of this writing writing on this for you as well and uh so how many guests do we have today nine nine great so what we've found just to put it in really simple terms we have not been able to achieve the quality of prior tri-months we would like to achieve a quantity tonnage which has not been experienced before yeah and so are are we kind of like setting the terms that like none of these people individually would be necessarily like tri-month level?

I think. I think. Well, it's fine. We don't know who the guests are. We'll find out. Yeah. We don't know who any of them are. I appreciate that you dressed up, Kevin.

You look really nice. Thanks. Bath and shower today. I noticed both. And so we'll go through them we my only thing is because we have nine guests we're already 11 minutes into the show yeah we gotta dump these guys like really fast and i i'm guessing they all like they're most of the thing yeah they're gonna like they like they're here for the entire show

so we just gotta kind of run through the paces of it and then just like boom send them on their way so you Kevin if you can kind of keep track of time have the button ready kick them out because they won't always leave when you want them to is the first guest first one's here

I'll let them in into the zoom they're just coming right in the zoom they're joining the zoom now joining the zoom okay okay wow who do we have here n m new mexico new mexico it's walter white it could be probably not though i think that would probably be a tri-month episode all on its own you know who i think it is i think it's natalie that would be really exciting i love natalie and again we do gotta like get the get through this really fast really excited to have natalie but only for a few minutes uh and so natalie's phone if it is natalie is connecting to audio right now which is perfect for us because we're primarily an audio show so when that thing

clicks in and if she can hear us rock if she can hear us i just want to say like we are already recording we're doing this a little that we're jumping right in like a little uh it feels crazy doesn't it yeah we're just like we normally take a little time to bring the next guest is here too i wonder if we should just like uh scoot them up okay do we or not what do we want to dump whoever this is well if you have some yeah if you have some different way to talk to nm's iphone uh maybe you can let them know that we're gonna kind of shuffle stuff around and yes if they can connect to audio later that would rock for us just because it is the greater aspect of the podcast the audio what here we go rapper nmn is here oh oh oh hello oh yeah yeah it's natalie hi natalie hi guys how are the boys

how are the boys we're pretty good you know I was I guess I was complaining a little bit at the top of the show before you got in that I am stuck in a sick psychosexual game with my wife we can't talk we don't

systematically murdering her she brazenly displays her infidelities. Go ahead. Go ahead. Natalie. Yeah, marriage can be hard anyway. Hi, guys. Hi.

Could you hear us at the beginning when we were saying we are recording already? Like we're jumping right into it. We've been doing it. Yeah. I did not hear you. I did not hear you. I don't know why is because I was on here on here for I would say a few minutes, maybe five to ten minutes and you guys weren't

on the Zoom. I was busy and I was doing other things and I was on another page and then I was like, let me check if they're there and then you were here. What's your favorite page? Yeah. You know, like of all the pages, you mean? Yeah. Page rank. Hashtag

page rank. Let's go. Number one. You don't have to say your favorite, but just rank some like. I would say messages. Messages high up there. Wow. Boom. That's up there for me, too.

I would almost say the perfect page. Yeah, because you get almost all the information you need. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Another good one is my email and stuff and uh and then my email close there yeah i like wayfair you know wayfair i hear that they have been trafficking children on that site and they ship them in your desk or whatever that's something listening to the wrong

people uh well i mean i mean, I wouldn't get defensive about it, and I'm not saying any judgment here or there. That's just what I've heard. They traffic children. I'm not going to get defensive either. I don't know that I listen to the wrong people. I literally just listen to the four most popular podcasts in the world, and

so if that's the wrong people, I guess I'm in pretty generous company. Hey, can I ask a question? If those are the most popular podcasts in the world, where do you think yours ranks? Like in if, you know, among the most popular podcasts in the world. Post this episode or prior? Let's do both.

I think because this is marking, I think, a new era for us. Okay. Us being the community of content creators. Great. I think before this, we would be, and I want to be modest. I want to be realistic. We would probably be, well, let me check what Vulture thinks. Yeah.

Well, here we are in the top 10, you know. Guys, I'm really sorry we really gotta go we got a huge line Natalie it's been an amazing show it's so great having you Natalie I had so many good stories set up for you guys oh well I guess next time you're already on email

a really fast one I guess we can make one work sounds like she's leaving but she's it was so nice to get to jump back into this game with you guys bye guys bye see you later guys bye wow she keeps okay now she really is gone okay what what was the total time on that maybe four minutes all right we gotta let the next in. We got a big line already. All right. Next one is... We're getting backed up.

I'm so tired already. We're getting backed up. Oh, my God. Okay. Oh, God. It's Timmy Simpson. Oh, hey, guys. Can you hear me?

Timson Simpson. Yep. You know, my name gets mispronounced a lot in this business, and thank you guys for pronouncing it correctly. Tim, I just want to say, so we're already, like, we often, like, take time to just, like, rap with the guests and stuff. We are already recording this one. Like, we're, like, Pete Holmes-ing it. We're just, like, jumping right in.

So awesome to have you. What's up, dude? Oh, nothing. I thought that I was going to be told what was up. I'm just here visiting. Just a normal episode. We are, it's tri-month, so we have our most awesome repeat guests coming on. Our most awesome, most favorite guests, yes.

Totally normal episode. Telling stories, talking about what we're up to in the business how it's changing right because the landscape of all of it has been like it's changing so fucked up yeah it's changing is maybe the best way to say it yeah streaming streaming i mean you have like how many platforms you know do we need, and I've been joking around about things that could be platforms that aren't even. Where it's like, I'm on your K95 mask channel or something.

Yeah, that's pretty good. That's pretty like K95 plus. That's an example, but yes, K95 plus. You can put plus on anything if that's a channel. Yeah, I know a on anything on your channel yeah no a lot of people are using me a lot of subscribers because fucking virus and at the same time you don't want to like make too much fun of it because draft day is of course streaming on 2b right now and that could just go away at any time and so like we make too many jokes and 2b can just say like oh i guess you don't oh i guess you don't like watching suddenly it's not 2b right holy shit wow uh can i say it all can i say it all did you see something weird in your house or uh uh since being on the show i've said

to myself the boys and their toys a bunch of times i'll just like be walking around and some of you will have like a cool car and i'll be like oh the boys and their toys you bunch of times. I'll just be walking around and somebody will have a cool car and I'll be like, oh, the boys and their toys. You know what I mean? The toys are nice, right? You see it all over. The toys are nice, you know? Hey, what's up with your hair?

What's up with your hair? Oh, you know, it's just... Big and strong. It's lustrous and huge, yeah. Is that for... It's big in the back, too. For a roll? Yeah, is it for a roll? Yeah'm gonna be um i'm gonna be the

next greatest showman that's great and that's the title the next greatest showman yes so we've seen the greatest showman we know that story but isn't it sort of beautiful to see the showman who was not as good as him but still excellent and and in the movie he is unable to kind of like make the leap to the greatest showman because the hair is an issue uh the he's getting in his eyes and just like visually it's just kind of disqualifying yeah right to really be the greatest climax of the show he'll be yeah what's going on kev dang i'm sorry timmons but there's a couple more people in the waiting room and we really gotta go not say there's more people no i don't say there's more just say that's the whole episode and that's say the episode's over or say that's some kind of technical thing or something i think i'm sorry

we can talk about this with tim we have nine guests for this episode yeah i i gotta tell you it was a really great. Really great. The power move of making me wait. I was scheduled for 645. I mean, at least a solid seven minutes of waiting. Think about who's scheduled after you then, you know? Yeah. All right, Timson Simpson.

It was so good to see you. It was good to see you, dude. All right. Bye, guys. Love you. GTFO. Okay. And the next one's in the line, too.

This is exhausting. I'm so tired already. I'm having such a bad time. Oh, my God. It's all these people that I like. It's all these people I like and admire. Chris Fleming is here. Can he hear us yet?

I think so. Oh, yeah. Hi, Chris. Chris, welcome back Hi, Chris. Uh-oh. Chris, welcome back to the show. Just want to let you know, usually we take a little time to wrap with the guests ahead of time. We are already recording. Blah, blah.

We're just going blah. It's crazy, man. Like Pete Holmes, he's already recording. He's doing it. We're doing that as well. Just talking and you're part of his that's very punk rock of you guys yeah yeah wow yeah what's the latest with you i won't suck you into my drama you know i'm stuck in this uh sick psycho sexual game with my wife still

couple weeks yeah cuck kink or whatever but you know i don't want to make it all about me look you look sun-kissed sean hey oh yeah i've been getting a lot of sun i'm out spying i've been all the time i'm in a tree watching her through the window while she you know uh wait her affairs so wait i should put headphones in i'm sorry i'm being such a that's all right don't by the time you get it we'll probably have to i got you yeah it's just i don't know how you guys i mean because sean you usually build a rapport around an hour 10 with somebody right yeah that's usually a sweet spot and that's in a one-on-one situation so with all these distractions it probably wasn't going to happen regardless ch Chris maybe can, like while Chris is here,

I do think he can actually offer some insight into the psychosexual game. Oh, you actually are playing a psychosexual game with your wife. Trapped in this sick psychosexual game with my wife, yeah. Yeah, you mind if I take my strap off for it? Oh, no, I would insist, yeah. For the patron.

For the patron. She's reminding me of what she does to me. She's at the top of the stairs removing these straps. But, of course, she's going to deny me any kind of gratification. Oh, no. It's in full view, and yet... So you can look... Probably only so that she can tell me no.

How long has this been going on? A couple weeks. A couple weeks. A couple weeks. So, yeah, like I said, she's probably... She's taken four or five lovers. She's taken four or five lovers at this point, some of whom have disappeared. Okay.

Wow. I'm so sorry to hear this. No, please, please. I don't want to bring you down. You want to tell them about the snails? And sometimes, by the way, Chris, what you're doing is exactly all these people are like offering advice on this yeah and sometimes all you need is just like i'm sorry that happened to you

i i don't need you to fix it i want you to hear that i'm in pain it's a very male impulse to try to give advice to fix but really what sean wants is to be witnessed right now thank you yes he's in a cat and mouse game with his wife yeah he wants to do the witnessing i'd like to be yeah i'm witnessing but i also want to be witnessed because i also like to i witness my snails in my snail shack and and that you know they'll be making love i'll stand and smirk in the dark i'm enjoying that so so you're saying that not only your wife, but you also have some snails who are taunting you. Something's going on with the snails.

I haven't pinned it down yet, but it's definitely important. It has to be because I'm spending so much time back there. So in what kind of container are the snails that are- A shack. Yeah, there's a shack and there are tanks inside the shack and I'll sort of like turn over the lid they're all stuck to the lid oh this pleases me you know then i'll put it back i don't know why i ever picked it up like i i have to go to the bathroom um so we have to stop okay so we are gonna need to end the episode but it was great

it was so great to see you chris i'm so sorry about that been enjoying your stuff why are you sorry Kevin just because the vibe was so great I hate to interrupt oh yeah no thank you so if only you could leave it was great to see you Kevin's going to go to the bathroom

if just Chris could leave if just Chris could leave he's really got to go you really you really want me to leave right now if only actually only chris so awesome having you on the show anything you want to you to leave anything you want to plug in like two words okay um um plug in two words no i there's nothing's nothing. That's more than two. Okay.

Okay, and then the next one's here too. Oh God, Kevin. I need a little break. Sorry everyone. I just need more of a break with this stuff in between. Let's go. Let's go.

Hey. What's going on did it come in no no you're here i'm just getting like run down oh i let's go it's such a relief to see you i do want to be honest with you yeah we have nine guests on this yeah episode yeah your. Your guest number four, so we're not even over the hump yet. Yeah. This is when you really start to feel the climb of like, we gotta find more of these things. Because the first...

No, the first one wasn't... The second guest went well, no? Yeah, I did think the second... It was almost like a perfect episode. It made me think that they should the guest appearance should all be that short but let's go yeah we can keep it real short if you want it doesn't have to be sure i'd actually like a little time threat now i decide how long it is i want to just be able to like decompress with you a little bit because the pace of this already has been so unrelenting, so

punishing. We've got to catch our breath here. Totally get it. So it would be great to just have this be a really low pressure hangout. And be entertaining still and

do a good show and all that but just keep it chill, keep it really relaxed. Just chill, just catch up, chill, relax, just vibe out with you. That sounds great, yeah. Sorry, I was figuring out the audio thing. No, please, don't ever apologize to us.

What are you doing? What's going on? Everyone loves your dance. Oh, thank you. The the drop one i never know sometimes he said that to everyone who's he's trying that out yeah you're the first one to bite which i'm happy for him honestly oh everyone else was like what dance yeah you gotta self-confidence it's something my grandmother taught me you know if someone is not even talking about you and uh you know if someone's like how you doing you gotta have an answer right if someone's like your dance you gotta go yeah it

is cool yeah you have a name you got the the drop one? Yeah. Sometimes I can't even tell. Wait, that's your dance? You said sometimes I don't even know. To kind of say, I have so many dances out there, I'm not sure which one you're referring to. That's, ooh, yeah, see, that's intimidating. That's scary. It makes the other person lose it. That's got me spinning.

I go, is there a bigger dance I didn't even see? Yeah, that I did? Do I sleepwalk? You know? Mm-hmm. For sure dance i didn't even see yeah that i did do i sleepwalk you know i didn't know that was your dance i mean you know the to the song and it's yeah so where you do mundane things and then you drop to the beat yeah me and my grandma accidentally started that in little tokyo and she's done our show like two or three times now and we not like you have i don't know i just feel like if i had known about this there would have been a way to like okay i could have been getting some kind of some kind of traction off of this i think industry wise i think this was in between appearances two and three. Maybe we inspired it.

It's happened in just like the last two months. So don't worry, boys. I saw Amanda Moore do that dance. Yeah. Yeah. Serena Williams has freaking Kerry Washington, the cast of SNL. The entire cast of SNL. You know, as many as they could get, so like four.

Okay, who were we missing? A ton. Aren't there a lot of people, including Crew? We can't ever forget them, right? Crew needs to be involved. I like talking to people. That was one of the big wins that IATSE got in the union fight was that

they got to be involved in the drop challenge oh i'm so glad like it's cool because when i talk to y'all it's like you give me like self-confidence boost at the same time i'm i you know a piece of humble pie you know yeah so you just come out of it like it basically never happened at all it's neutral yeah we're aiming for a neutral experience for everyone on the show we don't always get there but i think it's a good goal to have no it's cool because sometimes i'm like oh am i being too cocky and then you know um yeah yeah well osco is great chatting with you and thanks so much for being here all right osco we gotta go we gotta move on to the next guest i was just starting to feel Yeah. Well, Otzko, it was great chatting with you. And thanks so much for being here. All right, Otzko. We got to go. We got to move on to the next guest. I was just starting to feel great about myself. Okay. Well, I got to go too then. Great seeing you all.

Great seeing you, Otzko. We'll miss you. Lots of love. Miss you too. Bye. Bye. Bye-bye. Hollywood Handbook. Hollywood Handbook.

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dress 14 15 i think it starts to become clear like these aren't the dresses oh no they were not from the movie they didn't resemble anything from the movie they were not they were either way too big or way too small for a human to wear yeah and one of them was a dressing yeah one of them was it was it was a vinaigrette it was a raspberry vinaigrette it was a french raspberry vinaigrette dressing oh they'll even try to get you a refund for the last couple months of wasted money and negotiate to lower your bills for you by up to 20 all you have to do is take a picture of your bill and rocket money takes care of the rest they have over 5 million users and have helped save its members an average of 720 a year with over 500 million dollars in canceled subscriptions

and that was i mean just to be fully transparent that 500 million was most of that was the the dresses well yeah i mean you're talking about hollywood memorabilia you're talking about like ornate gowns you know in some cases and so that was uh yeah that was costing me a lot a lot a lot stop wasting money on things you don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocket money.com slash the boys that's rocket money.com slash the boys rocket money.com slash the boys, rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Hollywood handbook. That was nice. I do feel a little more ready now to like really.

Okay. I can't believe it's already a half hour into this show. Next one's up. Jesus. Okay. Wow. Okay. That was another breather, which is nice.

Sean Diston. What's up? What's up? nice sean distant what's up what's up what's up bad boys i'm here i'm here the most electrifying guest on hollywood handbook history baby is me knew we had to turn it up for tri-month come on you had to turn up i mean you've had ham in the past and you had to have your boy distant. You remember me from such episodes like, let's see, the Christmas album, the masked engineer, all the episodes where the premise

can outshine the guest comfortably and we don't have to worry about what we're talking about. And this one is no exception. And so I would, as we told our last guest, I feel comfortable telling you as well we have nine guests for this episode that's huge yes uh and i want to say too like because we

because we do have nine guests if later on you get in trouble with your boss or being yourself on the podcast which i know has been discouraged let me know yeah yeah for sure yeah we can we can probably excise this section without really losing a whole we'll just yeah yeah so it's not a big deal we're expecting to lose we're expecting to lose two or three yeah i feel like eight's an even like a better number than nine it's nine's a weird number to have it's for safety yeah no it's really disgusting. Yeah, you know, I talked to Scott. I said, I'm going to do this sort of handbook thing.

Kevin told me about it. And Scott was like, just make sure you have a pretty bad British accent. And I was like, I don't know if that's what they're asking me for. I don't want to come on. Because I want to be me. I want to be the guy that Hollywood handbook fans are clamoring to get on the show well i want to come on as as as this british guy that i do sometimes yeah well yeah it's just not really a character show i mean what we said from the beginning is like we want to get real on this thing yeah i mean i'm here talking about some of the most personal

stuff in my life i'm trapped in sick, psychosexual game with my wife. We're on week five, maybe. No, well, a couple weeks. But we're on lover four or five. And I'm going through this cuck king thing. And as angry as I am at her, it may be the only place I can find passion anymore. I'm so bored and rich. Well, I invented the microchip that uh drones use to uh

do targeted strikes interesting so i retired sean distant you like you don't have to hear about your you host a podcast with scott ackerman yeah i kind of do my own thing i mean i'm rich you need to hear about psychosexual games i mean no no i i don't have that's what you call tuesday yeah i'm i'm pretty much in like either an orgy or a podcast record every other day so for me it's it's not something i need to deal with so this episode's been going good everyone's been hopping in no it's been pretty bad uh yeah i think the second guest i thought went well but now looking back i'm remembering some pretty bad dead spots during that it had really bad parts I would say some of it was good, but

it had parts that were awful. The peaks were palatable. The valleys were fully untenable. So the next guest is here though. Oh, you know what? Sean, do Sean want to stay on for this one? I think we might

as well bring on the other guests. Do you want to stick around for this one? What do you think? Maybe leave. Yeah. me i could be sprague let's do sprague for let's have sprague here for this one just to cover our bases yeah just in case all right let's do that let's do that oh this is a good one all right all right sean hayes oh i actually have to go oh no no sorry I just wanted to pop by to let you guys know thank you for the invite but I have to go

it means so much to us that you came at all you didn't want to talk to me Sprague the Whisperer Sprague's here does that change your timeline unfortunately I have a gang of auditions and self tapes to get to you have more auditions and self tapes it's so late in new york you're wearing a yankees hat you're fully established as being in new york yeah it's after 10 p.m you have a gang

of auditions and self yeah things move fast here i'm so sorry. It's a city that never sleeps. I've got to go. Producers are calling me. We've just really been rearranging our schedule for this record. It would be great to get some SNL scoops. You don't have any work all around. That's incredible. I have to

go. You do, yes. If you want any scoops, there's internet articles, social media right there's a reddit yeah you can go you can go obviously amazing yeah it's so good talk to me about your self-tape process though are you reading your lines for yourself are you doing both roles i'm doing both roles and that's and part of the reason why it's so Are you sure? I was going to say a reader because I could for sure read with you I don't want my reader to have a

I don't want my reader to have a British accent. It's tough, it boxes you in a little bit. Yeah, it does and then you book it and I don't They're always like, who's the guy with that perfect British accent? Guys, this has been amazing, it's so good It has been really good I'm having flashbacks to Guest 2, this has been amazing it's so awesome it has been really good i'm having flashbacks to

guests too this has gone so well but you said you want to know about my self-tape process i read for myself i print out the sides um you do both roles i print out i print out sides both like two sets of sides for one audition i have a question how do you how do you get the printer to work because i i have trouble with the printer because every time I turn on my computer it's like I need to install a new driver. How do you figure that out? Oh my gosh. I wish I could help you, but I have to go.

Okay. I just thought you'd save time if one of us could read the other role for you. That would take you so much time. Yeah. Then you could stay here and do the self-tape i know but you guys aren't you guys you guys kind of flub i've listened to the podcast there's a lot of mistakes kevin's doing a lot of cleaning up and with my self-tape okay well you said you didn't

want someone who's gonna book the role so you either want mistakes or you don't from i often find myself in a flow you know when an actor gets in the pocket and is really making the material their own um and and really feeling feeling it i'm actually have you ever booked the role that you were reading against yourself as i've only ever booked the roles that i was reading against yeah hoping to uh actually be able to book one that i'm auditioning for this has been so good you guys are good it's been amazing. Thank you. No hints on the printer thing. You don't have a website I can go to a YouTube.

HP.com or brother.com brother.com or yeah guys this has been so good. Everyone like gosh it's Oscars week. We're creeping up on Oscars week and so we wanted to really get into

that with you i'm on hp.com because i have the same issue with my printer it's something called horse powder okay is that it's trying to sell me horse powder i first i thought it was horse radish but it actually on the faqs it says no it's not yeah this is one of those things i've gotten the horse powder as well does not help with the printer i don't know what you're supposed to do no and even that has your printer even that has drivers somehow that you need to download a weird driver yeah just to read the faqs i gotta put another driver in well listen guys i'm i don't know on my computer when i go to hp okay it does say horse powder and I wish I could clarify this, but I do.

This is you. You seem to have booked the role of spokesperson for horse powder. You're the one selling me the powder. I know nothing about horse powder. I have some hunches as to what it is, but as I'm reading here, stamina. I guess haunches is mostly

what it is. You said haunches. It's more haunches. The powder mostly comes from guess haunches is mostly what it is yeah you said it's more haunches yeah yeah the powder mostly comes from the haunches and that's right in this faq this driver actually updated really fast and the faq no it's running like a dream for me every time i have to update it's we got right we got another person in the waiting room so do we wantgo to stay and Sprague maybe could go? Yeah, maybe I get out of here. Actually, I would love to see who the next person is. Let's all just stick around. I'm going to stick around and feel this one out.

I would just love to see who the next person is. I don't know which Darcy this is. The suspense is killing me. It could be Mr. Darcy. Yeah, I'm from Pride and Prejudice. I do have to go. Okay could be Mr. Darcy. I do have to go. Okay, Darcy, hi.

Darcy, hi. Eggo has to go. Eggo's got to go. So good to see you. Yeah, but let's deal with our goodbyes. We don't want to be rude. So Darcy, if you could sit tight. It's Oscars week.

I've got so many self-tapes. I know. The director's calling me. Producers on my line will not get off my nutsack. I know. Yeah, so it's been good to see everybody, but I do have to go. I was going to text you today. I'll text you. I honestly have something to tell you.

Okay, but if you could... Well, do it on air then. If you're going to bring it up, do it on air. Don't do it on air. If don't do it if it's about horse powder i do need us to kind of sort through this uh on the show okay guys it's so good to see you darcy it's i have to go casting's calling me now so ego found a way to leave the podcast before i have but i'm kind of stuck here bye ego darcy i don't know if we've met my name is Sprague the Whisperer let's go back to you just being Sean

that'd be great didn't work out for us that went so badly Darcy we've already texted today so that was really fun I'm gonna get out of here another electrifying performance by me electrifying

I'm the Hollywood handbook king. And I'm out. Bye Sprague. Darcy. What's up Darcy? Hey, what's up? Can you imagine coming onto this show with like a character? That is

exactly my thought Darcy. Oh my god. It was cringe AF hi hey Penny yeah that's Penny oh god I hated that I screamed like that how are you guys doing

happy birthday or happy anniversary thank you my birthday is in two days but that's really nice I guess my anniversary is far away yeah and I don't know if i'm gonna get there actually because i am stuck in a sick psychosexual game with my wife just sort of a cuck kink thing where yeah she's taking four or five lovers publicly in front of my friends and family i watch it then i uh retreat to my snail shack where i do get misted gently as i watch the

snails uh enjoy each other carnally and i kind of smirk in the darkness as I plot the murder of my wife's various lovers. Oh, God. Yeah, okay, okay. And your anniversary. It's coming up. Yeah. So it's coming. It's on the way, yeah,

but I'm just worried. I'm nervous about making it there. Although it may work out. It also doesn't. It sounds like you guys are doing... It sounds... We're doing exactly what we should be. It's going to have bumps in the road.

No marriage is perfect. But that that's marriage you know what I mean that's what I'm yeah Darcy I got a copy of Mike Schur's book I noticed Amy blurb Ted blurb

no Darcy blurb didn't like the book well I thought it was great Amy blurb, Ted blurb, no Darcy blurb. Didn't like the book? Eh, well, I... I thought it was great. I could feel where he was ignoring your notes. That's part of the problem. Is that, you know, we like, we co-wrote it together. Oh, wow. Okay. I felt like we were co-writing it.

And so I guess I did give him a blurb, Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. And, um, so I guess I did give him a blurb, which is half the book, but I didn't get credit. I didn't get an Amy. I didn't get a weird, almost distracting because like you play it,

you're a character in the show. It's like kind of weird if people were like, Oh, that that's an actor. That's like another person. It's like bad for the show. Yeah. That's right.

You mean, because the show is like, it's like a companion piece in a way yeah yeah the font is the same yeah that's true that's really true so um it's all it's all feeding into the same my reading time has just been cut in half or worse just by this whole six psychosexual would you have time to read well i do have time just i'm bored rich but i'm also like i'm also i'm making this like zine basically about my wife as well like that seems to be how i spend a lot of my time and money so no i mean zine yeah it's like a glossy high-end like kind of art magazine it's all

that's a photos of my wife and it's for her well because it's a it's privately published and it's like it's small i don't know what distinguishes it you know i don't either i don't know why something would be called a zine or i thought the fact that it's like independent small small print run uh i feel like they're always tiny too honestly if a magazine is tiny is this big i feel like the scene is this big it's tiny it's it's you just print it out you fold it you staple it's raw well and it's it's wow this is a musical magical beautiful for me i what's that for for my niece was over yesterday you know what i mean and just find a little like show how good you you know like like that you understand music

it's just good to show it's good to like sort of well that's the circle of fifths right there yeah that's peacock i'm about to watch peacock is that the band that's it can't be the same as the fbc what it has to be a little bit different you you play that little tune and suddenly i like pavlovian conditioning to start uh reacting to carol and joe you know oh has your hair ever looked blonder you guys god the two of us mostly him but something thank you this was nice looked blonder, you guys? God. The two of us. Mostly him, but sometimes me. Thank you. It was nice of you to say you guys. You guys are getting older and blonder by the day.

Every day that you get older, you're getting blonder. Two old blods. Well, unfortunately, there's another guest in the waiting room, but Darcy was so great. Wait, she was talking directly to me. Yeah, sure. Go ahead, Darcy. Just pick your spots. Please don't say there's another guest in the waiting room. Say, she was talking directly to me. Yeah, sure. Go ahead, Darcy. Just pick your spots.

Sean, you what? Please don't say there's another guest in the waiting room. Say you have to go to the bathroom. It's the only time that works. It's a big bathroom for me, but go ahead, Darcy. I was gonna say, Sean, do you consider yourself a blonde? I've always thought of myself as a blonde, but I don't think the world agrees anymore.

I agree. I agree with you. That's a lot of power i have now i'll send them to you that was bad so the tiger king so it's a big bathroom for kevin but yeah and so if just you could leave darcy uh i'm shy but the only thing is like when i joined i got to say hi to the two guests for me so it feels like there should be some overlap. I get to say hi to them. Sure, you can say hi. Do I like the person?

We'll see. Is this the ninth one, Kevin? This is eight of nine. Oh, my God. We do have to move it. I believe this person's on location. We'll see where they are. We'll make it quick.

I'll basically say bye immediately, okay? Okay. Wow. Okay. I'm Wow. Okay. I'm pleasantly surprised. Joe Firestone, I thought this could be a very long connected to audio experience, but we have Joe. Hi, Joe. Oh, yes.

And you are on location in a dungeon. Yeah, well, I tried to come in from the dungeon and I told Kevin to tell you guys that I'm coming in from a dungeon and I hope he said something. He did. He didn't give us the full story, but he wasn't even telling us who it was. If I knew it was Dr. Game Joe, I would have expected no less. Thank you so much. I have to go as soon as you come in. That's the rule. I love you and it was so nice to see you. Nice to see you soon as you come in. That's the rule. I love you and it was so nice to see you. Nice to see you and nice to see you.

Okay, well. Bye, friends. Bye, Darcy. Bye, Darcy. Thank you. Happy birthday. What do you mean happy birthday? Hayes has this

birthday. We spent too much time on it already. Whose birthday? It's not my birthday. I don't win. It's my birthday. Then we can celebrate my birthday. We're going to go fucking nuts.

Talk to me about it. I'm open to birthdays. Tell me about it. Okay, let's deal with it. It's a big one. Yeah. I basically consider the day that I met my stepmom to be the day I was born. And so that's my birthday.

That's when I feel like, okay, that other one is out the window. And I got to basically choose my own stepmom which makes it like like that much more of like an exciting thing and you chose a new middle name at that point too she chose a new middle name yeah yeah exactly you have the same you're attracted the same women as your father uh my i didn't my dad wasn't really like involved in this at all i was just like this is my new they're still my mom and dad like still have their own thing going like whatever but like i got my stepmom now i got my to choose my own birthday like life and marriage is

complicated families are complicated i've been talking about this a ton this episode i mean i don't even know hey sean sorry speaking of, do you have a bird in the background? I have a couple birds. Why? I think I see a bird. Do you not want the bird there? Sometimes the snails get inside, and you've got to have someone to eat the snail.

Yeah. Oh. I've got a snail shack that I spend a lot of my free time in, and I'm obsessed with the snails. They're beautiful to me. One of my wife's lovers at one point actually came over suggested that we um fry up the snails as part of our meal and i you know i humiliated him i just let him know you got to starve them for a few days to make sure their intestines are empty or else you actually will poison yourself he looks like a fucking idiot this guy was sleeping with

my wife oh hey you guys like shrimp uh well yeah we did a famous episode of the dough boys called the shrimp off if that's what you're referring to i assume that's what you mean yeah i i more shrimp than anyone who's ever been on a podcast well that's something so i guess do you guys like what do you guys want to talk about i guess is the thing because it seems like you're kind of being cagey about your birthday and your family so i guess do you guys want to ask me what i gave you i don't consider my bird a part of my family so i was not being yeah and i was very open with you about it but wait wait sure what's in your purse? You guys want to guess? I'll give you four guesses. Is it shrimp?

A shrimp? Absolutely not. You think I'd ruin the weather? No shrimp. Run down. Three more guesses. Okay. We should collaborate on the guesses, right?

I just hate to feel like you're going to burn one of my guesses. Cha? Is it cha? Cha? Cha? Cha? Cha? Is it cha?

Could you use an incentive? Cha, I feel like I'm doing the rump up. Your purse is full of cha. Okay, so could you spell it? Like tobacco, chewing tobacco. Okay, okay. Yeah, no. No, that is incorrect. Incorrect. Okay, okay. Yeah, no. No, that is incorrect.

Incorrect. Okay. Down. One, two. That's actually incorrect. So you have two more guesses, and then you have to go down. I've got another smaller purse. This is becoming Dr. Game Joe over here.

It is becoming Dr. Game Joe. I mean, that's how it feels. I got asked to be here for a reason, and it's because of my VIP status. Yeah, you're number eight of nine guests, and they have been in ascending order. And the last guest hasn't appeared yet, so you might be the headliner.

Yeah, unbelievable, huh? Just in case we need the hammer. Kevin, this is VIP, right? Yeah. That's VIP. Yeah, dude. huh just in case we need the hammer kevin this is vip right yeah that's vip yeah dude yeah very important podcaster you didn't respond to my guess that it's another smaller purse like a doll's purse is inside your purse i mean if you if you think that of me that i know you think of me highly but no that's incorrect okay it's interesting that you think that's good because that would make it a russian nesting purse basically and those aren't my values but um that's that's cool that you like that

yeah i don't really like what they're doing i got the first two guests i guessed shrimp and cha sean got the third guest and so i guess sean can have the fourth one as well. This is the final guess. I'm not going to say cha. Don't you dare say shrimp. We'll not go down that road again. That was horrible. That's a one cha street. That's a massive blade, a big sharp

blade. Can you hear us, Joe? Is it a blade? Can you hear me? Is it a blade? It's frozen. it's not a blade it's a frozen blade ice blade oh my god the perfect crime

oh my gosh can you imagine cutting an onion cutting an onion with an ice blade an iced blade a perfectly chilled onion cutting an onion with an ice blade ice blade nice cold onion imagine you don't have to freeze the onion after you cut it it's happening at the same time

literally my dream scenario ultimate meal status yes please ice plate onions we have to open a restaurant you guys what else would there be ice plate onions ice blade beef what else that's it i don't know what else you could get well you got cold beef and onions and if somebody's ordering something else you go get the fuck out of my restaurant, pal.

I'll tell you what. The blade's so cold, it cooks the beef. Not a lot, but a little bit. No, but enough to be safe. Yeah. I'm thinking this is like sous vide, too. I'm safing the beef with an ice blade? That's meals.

Meal goals. Hey, Kevin. Hey, Kevin. What's up, dude? What's in the purse? Kevin. Okay, I'll tell you in a second. But, Kevin, if we gave you the honor of naming the restaurant that serves ice blade onions,

what would you name it? Chili's. Oh, that's actually a really good name. Yeah, you're spelling it. Because the onions is Chili's. Yeah. That's really good. Joe, thoughts?

I guess kind of. You wanted to call it Firestones. No, you can say it. That is a good name as well. They bring out the onions on the platter. It seems different than an ice plate. The onions are sizzling from being so cold. And everyone's like, oh my God, those onions look so good. I can hear the sizzle of them cutting the onions with an ice plate.

I can smell it you guys put a lot of sound effects in post right? almost entirely this would be a really good spot you can't hear any of what we're saying it's all going to be sound effects okay

what's in the purse? okay you want to know? I'll tell you okay what do you think this is? okay you want to know no I'll tell you okay what do you think this is bubbles bubbles you think just because you show me bubbles

really fast I'm not gonna please be able to tell that it's bubbles I don't know how familiar you were with this stuff it's a bubble stick what are you shooting is this stuff. It's a bubble stick. What are you shooting? Is this like a Miranda July project?

I got these from a wedding. I know people in love. Epic wedding gift. Good luck to them. Hope it turns out better than mine's going. Hope it lasts longer than these bubbles. Oh gosh. May your wedding last as long as this bubble

flies in the sky you really shouldn't blow bubbles inside all your illusions about what marriage is gonna you start blowing the bubble you think there's no way i'll get trapped in a sick psychosexual game with my wife not very covid safe i just want to say we still are in a pandemic oh let me put my entire breath into this ball and shoot it around. Can I increase the distance my germs could travel and create some sort of vehicle where they can land on someone and explode? Let me charter a plane for my disease. That's basically what you say when you do a bubble. Gosh, you guys are so nasty.

I've been really trying to be in positive attitude land. We got to bounce that out. Yeah. You got to think positive. You got to think positive. Okay. I'm positive that bubbles are irresponsible during COVID. What do you think about that?

And so we can be the hot spoon to your ice blade. Huh? Hot spoon? What are you going to make with it? Firestone. I mean, it should be. Yeah. You want to cook with a hot spoon? What do you cook with a hot spoon? You guys remember that old jingle? Oh, yeah.

We've been singing it. We were singing it before the show. Yeah. What do you cook with a hot spoon? And of course, we all know the answer lentils raw lentils put the hot spoon in there lentil soup sound of the delicious lentils heating on the spoon oh table side lentil soup with a hot spoon. The server comes out with a big tureen of raw lentils. Yep. Hey, Kevin. Drop the spoon in there for really high up.

Kevin. Flick the lentil at your mouth. This restaurant. What are you going to call the restaurant, Kevin? I was sending a couple of follow-up emails to someone who seemed very excited to do the show today and then went to ghost town, so I apologize. Wow. Follow-up emails.

By no means are we disappointed. Just following up. Kevin's got a job to do oh geez kevin he does it is it's almost unfair to make him name the restaurant although i'd like to see him crash and fail after his triumph earlier humanize him a little bit for me he's become such a hero in my eyes uh what were the details about it it was uh firestone fire it is a hot spoon, so hot that when the spoon enters the bowl of raw lentils, the lentils immediately become a lentil soup. It's made table side by the server.

It's dates only. No families. no kids screaming it's not it's not safe honestly because there are lentils flying all over the restaurant you sign a waiver before you eat there kevin i can see your screen changing what are you like what are you looking up? I got a response. All caps. Oh, fuck. And he just joined. Okay. We only have a second. We're over an hour. So we'll keep Joe.

And we just got to bring this person on. And then we're done, basically. Yes. Okay. Here we go. What do you mean the restaurant? Hey. Hey.

Patton Oswalt. Hi, everyone. Patton Leather. Is that anything? I'm reaching for whatever. Hey, Patton, I gotta go. Nice to talk to you. Joe's gotta go.

Thanks for coming, Joe, but you have to go now. I have to go. Bye. Bye, everybody. Thanks for coming, Joe. But you have to go now. I have to go. Bye. Bye, everybody. Bye. Bye, Joe. What's up? Hey, Patton.

That was weird. Thank you so much for coming. You know, Joe was saying that she was going to stay. She was really excited to hang out with the next guest. Yeah. No matter who it was, she said. Wow. Yeah.

I guess maybe I was. uh how you guys doing i think maybe i i i hopped on a little late i just wanted to see what's going on like how's everyone how's everyone doing uh i'm doing okay you know i'm stuck in a sick psychosexual game with my wife you know uh something of a cupcake and murderinging her lovers and she's you know flaunting her affairs I'm of course in my snail shack every night as well watching them copulate well you know cupcakes and murder

shows that's all that's on Netflix now it's all cupcake competition so if anything you just combine the zeitgeist if you ask me well yeah perhaps it could ultimately inform some of my uh creative material cuck king wars cuck cuck oh my god cuck cake wars you know what uh people have been throwing cuck around like an insult but you know what that could be an untapped demographic

you know what i say no revenue stream neglected neglected. All right? We're taking it back. Yeah, you take it back. You monetize that. You monetize Cuckoldery. And Cucks vote, too, I might add. Well, people did this with nerd culture. They were being ignored, you know, and now it's the most powerful group, and they had been insulted, and you're a dork, and you're a dweeb,

and it's like, oh, well, now we're the most powerful box office, you know group in the world so how about cocks there are going to be cuck blockbusters in 2040 there'll be a whole there'll be a whole cuckoverse hey of films that don't 20 20 40 i don't i mean maybe you haven't been to preview screenings like morbius is one of the most cucked characters that's ever been on screen you're right you're right to bucks i say you lose the c out of b man that's right that's what i'm about you get those look man i'm all about those cuck bucks that'll be the next that'll be the new bitcoin not dogecoin cuck bucks audio question for you paton I can see you

you're talking in a way that looks normal are you projecting your voice into a storm drain before it hits us yeah I'm using the storm drain app I thought that was no

I'm really sorry that is a trick app that's Pennywise. Pennywise wants you to come play with him in this app, but it's not good for audio at all. It's a trick. How does my audio sound now? Amazing. Bye.

Hollywood Hamburg. That was a HeadGum Podcast.