Hollywood Handbook - Whitmer Thomas and Clay Tatum, Our Friends From School

Episode Date: August 1, 2016

Hayes and Sean welcome Whit and Clay into the studio to discuss one of their favorite new games before a drama arises.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Liam Hemsworth and we're hiding and the dumpsters pretend to be trash to hide from the bad guys and the bad guys are going down the alley and they're looking around we hear them turn over one of the trash cans and a stray cat goes

meow and they're shooting their gun at the fence they're going where are they and and Minky

at this point has to do a sneeze and she's going oh she's going oh oh, oh. And I keep sticking my finger under her nose, you know, and I'm going like, look at the light. And you have that so funny mustache tattoo on your finger.

Oh, yes. And so there is a certain amount of, now that's making Lili really crack up. And he's going to laugh, you know. And I'm like, Liam, pretend it's Operation Black Hat gonna laugh you know and i'm like liam pretend it's operation black hat you know and just really like yeah freaking be secret spy style and that way i mean that was his brother but i'm sure he saw that movie who gives a shit yeah no and maybe it was maybe it wasn't his brother you know it might not have been yeah i think it was him. But the point is, when the bad guys finally opened the dumpster, I had to punch them both out.

And I detest violence. Were you still pretending to be trash? Yeah. So they thought that the trash was punching them out? Yeah. What kind? They thought they got punched by, one thought he got punched by an animal crackers box. And the other one thought he got punched by an Animal Crackers box. And the other one thought he got punched by a freaking vibrator, like a woman's vibrator.

A broken one? Yeah, that she finally met a guy who hit it right, and so she threw it out. You don't need any – if you have a good boyfriend, you don't need that anymore. That's a lesson. Women, if you're still using one, you're with the wrong man. And I'm not talking about the wrong man's on Hulu. Because, yeah. If he don't hit it right.

I just have news for you. He ain't hitting it right. Yeah. Unfortunately, hashtag he ain't hitting it right. And I'm not saying there's enough men out there who hit it right for every woman in the world. No. But if you can't find that, then why do you have that man? Yeah.

So think about that, and if he really hits it right, then he can make it vibrate on his own. And men, if you see a vibrator and it's not in the trash, you ain't hitting it right. Yeah, unfortunately you ain't hitting it right,

and you might want to go to Hayes' workshop. welcome to hollywood handbook welcome to hollywood handbook insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz what up what up sometimes we have guys on the show sometimes bros we hang out with and it is just for us to be able to hang out with them because like we don't get to see them enough when we're just doing our job. Yeah. It was just kind of an excuse to hang out, and that's really what the show is. It's just to get our funny friends in the studio and just have a session.

And have you feel what it's like. What if you had funny friends? This is what it would sound like. You'd have to be funny yourself, and then they would like you, and you'd get to just be having conversations with them. And one thing we're really focused on is youth issues and playing games,

and that's what these two guys are kind of all about. Whitmer, Thomas, and Clay Tatum, they did the show before. Hey, thanks for having us. Hi. We've been playing most of the best games. What games have you guys been doing lately? Lately, we've been so into Pokemon Go.

Oh, whoa. Oh, I know that one where you're catching the Pokemans. You gotta catch them all. First priority. You open up the app and you see what critters are around. You just kinda take a walk looking for some critters. That's good. I'm glad you guys brought that up.

I wouldn't have mentioned this, but can you catch this guy for me? We would love to if you could just tell us where he is and we'll catch him. Point me in the direction of that critter. It's Mankey. He's on the table. Mankey's in Earwolf's studio right now.

And he keeps escaping. This is a classic. Oh wait, Mankey keeps escaping? Yes. And I can't get the sound to go on either. And he's escaping. This is a classic. Oh, wait. Mankey keep escaping? Yes. Let me have the – and I can't get the sound to go on either. And he's not even particularly strong. Right. This is a classic. I'm just going to look at it real quick.

This is a classic mankey. Shoot the ball. Okay, I'm sorry. Go ahead and describe what mankey looks like just so I'm sure. Before this critter gets away from me, this is a classic mankey. And he looks like a little pig. me. This is a classic manky. And, um... Yeah. He is, uh... He looks like a little pig. And, um...

Shoot the ball, Clay! Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. He's gonna escape again! Clay has a hard time. Wait, so you throw the ball at the little piggy critter. Right there. And the little piggy critter does not care for this. Here we go. Monkey pick. Oh! And then you got the little monkey critter and the

pinky critter. Well, ball shake and he disappeared from the ball. So this is what the game's all about. Run away. So the game about is throwing ball at Mankey, making sure Mankey is in ball, and then once Mankey's in ball, then you can run around knowing Mankey's in ball.

Clay, shoot the ball at Mankey. I'm sorry, Phil. One second. This little piggy critter's pretty far away, so you gotta throw this ball really fast at this little critter. And he's just not liking this one bit. How does he bust out? Shoot a curve.

Oh, I'm sorry. Go for it. He punches way out, or what happens, Clay? He wiggles. He tries to wiggle his little body out of this. And that's why it's moving so much. Yeah. That's why it's shaking like a dick. Oh, no, Clay, you have to say gotcha.

Okay, and gotcha, you little man. Click. Click, yeah. So you got one of them, and you're close to getting them all. Yeah. So that's the whole point of the game. You gotta get them all. You gotta catch them all, which is a great thing for the game to let you know.

You already know what the game's about. You've got to get all these little guys. Eventually, you'll have them all, and then the game's over. What are some of the guys that you get along with the best? Okay, so as far as the Pokemon? Yes. I would have to say I like Butterfree. Butterfree is really good.

My favorite thing about... What's your relationship with... With Butterfree? With your guy, and what's his name? Okay, my guy is... His name's Totter, and... Your Butterfree's name is Totter? No, no.

My... Oh, okay, sorry. Yeah, the guy... So, my name... My guy... Wait, your guy's also Butterfree? No, it's not Butterfree. You like Butterfree.

No, I love Butterfree. But each of them has a name, and yours is named Totter. Yeah. Right, but I'm just saying Hayes asked what our favorite Pokemon is. You can name them after your friends. You can name them after your friends. You can name them after your friends. I've asked.

You can name them after your friends. Now, if you put them in the gym to hold the gym, no, they're not going to have your friend's name for people who come and try to challenge them in the gym. Now, does any of this not make sense to you guys that the gym is not necessarily where you work out but where you have the fight? Yeah, yeah. No, that makes sense. Because it's a good location. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Do you not name your Pokemon? I do. Do you not name your Pokemon? I do, but what I'm thinking is funny is Hayes asked, what's your favorite Pokemon? We both agree that it's Butterfree. We've known each other since we were kids, and I've never once talked to you about Butterfree. And I've always liked Butterfree.

But why do you talk... We don't talk about how we love cake. It's just obvious. Yeah, but what's your favorite cake? Chocolate. Butterfree. We both like the same cake. So here's the thing. Butterfree cake is your favorite? Yeah, cake. Oh, but what's your favorite cake? Chocolate. Butterfree. We both like the same cake. So, like, here's the thing. Butterfree cake

is your favorite? Yeah, cake sounds butter. Yeah, I can't have butter in my cake. Why? Too sticky. It's, yes. It sticks to the rest of the cake. And so it makes it that you can't pull apart

and then it won't fit inside your mouth. The whole thing. Well, yeah, and I'm always eating – because of my schedule, I'm always eating cake right before I walk into a big meeting. Right. And so the meeting often will have a lot of corporate figures in there, the money men and like from the song Buffalo Stance. Of course. like from the song Buffalo Stance. And if I shove too big a piece of cake in my mouth and it's all stuck with butter, the cake piece and Frostings

is going to get on some of the clothes in my face and into my hair. And in my ear, I can't hear when they ask me for the numbers. Let's talk numbers, they'll say. And I'll go, numbers? Like Bengay? Because I can only, I can't, you know, I can't hear them say it correctly. I only can picture what it would be spelled like.

What I hear you say is that the cake that you're eating is numbers. Yeah, that's right. I have had to say that a lot. Which is good. It's good for me as a cake. Yeah, that's right. I have had to say that a lot. Which is good. It's good for me as a cake. I like Numbers. Clay, tell me about Totter. Yes, please.

Totter's one of my classic critters that I have in my ball. Who's the real Totter? What do you mean? Well, isn't he named after one. But what about, who's the real Totter? What do you mean? Well, isn't he named after one of your tight friends? Yeah, well, he's also named after another Pokemon I have.

Oh, he named him? Yeah, they name him the same. I have a Golbat that is named Totter, too. He used to be a Zubat, correct? Yeah. Yeah. Wait, go on.

What's Potter? So they got to know first that he's an anamorphic butterfly. Right. Anthropomorphic butterfly. And also, he's just a great guy to pal around. Is he... Can you be honest with you? Well, has he ever talked to you about being caught?

What do you mean? Well, because you caught him. Well, I caught him, yeah, but he doesn't hold that against me. And he actually doesn't want to escape, right? He doesn't want to escape. So he just, the ball never wiggled. It never wiggled. Once I got that little critter in my ball, he just stayed in there.

I'm like, why is there no wiggle? And he goes, hey, I feel comfortable in here. I feel good. And I go, I think we're going to be friends. I'm going to name you Totter. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wah. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wah. Remember the song.

Yeah. My guy's eating an incense. Red foo. Oh, red. Do I evolve my Nidoran if he's only 291 points of CP combat power? Do you what with him? Do I evolve him yet? Or do I wait for a stronger one?

I've certainly got enough candies to do it. If you've got enough candies, I'd say evolve. No. No? Okay. Made that mistake before. I have other ones that are weaker, too. I should just be. No. No? Okay. Made that mistake before. I have other ones that are weaker too.

I should just be taking them to the cleaners. Give those to the professor and make them into candy, right? Sometimes I do enjoy naming some of my guys after my enemies and then

either sending them to a gym to get beat up and not reviving only reviving them if they promise not to be so bad to me anymore. Thanks for this candy wit.

You got it. Or just leaving them dead. You leave them dead? It's a way to kill real people. Now, if a Pokemon... Take a real person

from your life and kill them. Pikachu! Yeah. Have you caught a Pikachu? Pikachu! You tell me, motherfucker. Oh, wow. Wow. I haven't caught a Pikachu? You tell me motherfucker. Oh wow That's Ivan car Pikachu. Yeah, they're obviously yeah, no shit

Impossible do you have a good Pikachu impression in your back pocket? Everybody's got have one that's really good. Yeah, that's really good mine physical. Oh, you could do a physical Yeah, well everybody's gotta have one. That was really good. Yeah. That was really good. Mine's physical. Oh, you could do a physical? Yeah, mine smells like physical. Well, everybody's gotta do one. What's that? That's Nidorina. Need a hundred candies to do that?

Hmm. What else? So, parents just don't get Pokemon, huh guys? No, they don't. No. That's one of the harder things about parents. They're making you, first off,

they make you eat all of your food. And second off, is they sometimes don't let you play Pokemon past dinner. And they just don't get it sometimes. They've tried to make me my food by tossing it.

They say, like, here comes the Pokeball. It's like, I don't want to be a Pokeball trainer. First of all, I'm not a Pokemon. I'm a Pokemon trainer. And we don't eat Pokeballs. Second of all, even if I was a Pokemon,

I'm supposed to be escaping the Pokeball. No, yeah. Call it a raspberry if you want to throw it to me if I am a Pokemon, which I'm not. I'm a Pokemon trainer. Yeah. Who wants to be a... You don't eat which I'm not. I'm a Pokemon trainer. Yeah.

Who wants to be a – you don't eat a Pokeball. My mommy doesn't understand that. Yeah. Mom, you just don't fucking get it. Yeah. Papa. Here's the thing with it. If there's – even if I'm eating a dinner, which is a delicious dinner that my mommy made,

but sometimes there's a dugong on the table and I go, Mom, I am so sorry. I can't eat your delicious dinner right now. There's a dugong. I need to get him with my ball. Yeah, that happened with me. And she goes, what the heck are you talking about? And I go, Mom. Mommies just don't get it.

Put raspberry sauce on my food. Yeah. Put it on and put it in. I hate that my parents think Pokemon Go is less important than my grades. Yeah. It's like, hello, we're not even going to be using most of the stuff they're trying to teach us in this school anyway.

When are you actually using that stuff? I'm sorry, why do I need to know that Hawthorne wrote House of Seven Gables or that he didn't? When is that coming up for me? I'll tell you what, I'm almost 40 and it hasn't come up. Can I also give you a newsflash?

It should be allowed at lunch. Oh, yeah. Yeah, for sure. Oh, yeah. That's my time. If I'm choosing to eat with that time, okay. And, Clay, you touched on this earlier. And if I'm choosing not to eat because I want to feed my trainer experience points.

Right. 500 when you evolve a creature and just like 50 to 150 when you're out there hunting, catching. You know, if that's the sustenance that I require during my lunchtime, well, then that's my time. And if you think that's not a good use, then maybe let me learn it on my own instead of trying to make me learn what you want me to learn, which is all about Hawthorne. I say, Mr. Wheeler, you need to quiet down right now because this is

not your time. This is my time. And then Mr. Wheeler tells you to put your head down. Oh, no. And when he says that, I just go like, why? You want me to suck your dick? And he does. He said, because I will go like, why? You want me to suck your dick? And he does. He's like, because I will.

Yeah, because I'll do it. For the right price. What's funny about Mr. Wheeler is he's paraplegic. Yeah. That is really funny. To me, that is the funniest part about him. I don't think it's the only thing that's funny. That it's his left arm and his right leg.

Yeah, that's always a surprise. When you hear paraplegic, you rarely think left arm, right leg. You make certain associations. Yeah, which is fucked up. Especially for someone like Mr. Wheeler, you'd assume he's in a wheelchair when really only one of his legs has a wheel. No, he's Mr. Wheer because he has one roller blade right but what is it you know like they want me to memorize like who's chilling's worth or whatever and they are so fixated on that but

isn't it more impressive that i could memorize that I have a dragonair? Right. Yeah, that is more impressive. Mommies just don't get it. Part two. I don't think teachers get it either. I talk to them about Pikachu. It goes right over their head.

Mr. Wheeler, I have a secret suspicion that he wants my Pokemon. Yeah. And that's why he takes it. He wants my Marowak, he wants my Clefairy, and he says, give me your phone. And I'm like, well, I'm pretty sure when I get it back, all my Pokemon are going to be gone. They're going to be in Mr. Wheeler's phone. Hello? I feel like if I give you my

phone, I'm not going to get my Hitmonchan back. Yeah. Yeah, me too. Oh, yeah. Hitmonlee. Or my Weezing. Yeah, it's true. Or my Raichu. Or Hit Mon Lee. Or my Weezing. Yeah, it's true. Or my Rachel. Or my Goldeen.

Or my Radicate. Or my Staryu. Are you guys sick of sneaking around when it's time to go on a date? And shouldn't our parents just let us finally just have our dates where we go out? We're just playing Pokemon Go in the park with a girl, and if we accidentally show her one of our Pokeballs, well, oops. Although I prefer to refer to mine as the Great Ball. Yeah, our parents shouldn't care. You know what I mean? Because we're good boys.

Yeah, if we're being good boys and we're doing some of our homework, then it's like, if we want to go play Pokemon Go in the park at night, and it's with a girl that maybe they haven't met before who maybe is a little fast. Unless there's exams. I feel like the main thing that I like to think about is, why are you going to punish me for playing Pokemon Go while Tyler smokes cigarettes?

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And by the way, you're going to like this I named my Charmeleon Tyler because he always has a lit lighter

on his tail for smoking I like boobs I'm interested in boobs they could be great depending on what the set is like. I don't really have a lot I don't think about

vaginas that much. What about butt? I have that. I like the butt. I have that. I mean, I've explored a lot of that already on my own. But on a girl, sometimes it looks like a peach. I don't know about that.

I mean, you say peach, I hear princess peach, I hear video games, I hear Nintendo, I hear Pokemon, and I'm right back where I started in terms of thinking about Pokemon all the time. That is the trajectory, yes. Peach, video games, Nintendo, Pokemon.

Yeah. I mean, some of it, even even like as you talk about vaginas, I do think like, okay, what's part of that? It's the vulva. Okay, vulpix. Okay, vulpix has many tails. All right, I hope I get a chance to evolve my vulpix. And just to loop back to the idea that I have my own butt,

I don't think there's anything that a girl's butt can teach me that I haven't learned on my own there. Yeah. Because I have spent so much time exploring what that means, what there is to do with that. Washing, pooping. Whatever. I set up three mirrors to get all the looks

yeah that lets me see all the different parts of it and so that's Dr. Hayes is what you call that and so when I see somebody else's I'll know

I will not get a surprise you'll know exactly how to handle it and also you won't be flipped out you won't literally wig out

as far as a vagina I don't think I am ever going to completely understand that world. And so it seems like, you know, it's sort of like, I wish I had started taking piano lessons five years ago, but why am I going to start now? Because I would then have five years of experience. You know, like, it's all like, I go, well, I haven't explored it enough. It's too daunting.

But something like, and Hayes, you brought up, that you're interested in boobs possibly, that seems like something I could possibly master. Yeah, I can get behind that. Well, it's all about just the way you cup it. You cup one of those. Maybe. I mean, it could be something interesting,

and I am excited about that. If I dream about girls and she'd take her clothes off, I can see that she has boobs. I see the boobs, and I can touch them. But there kind of is no vagina. You know? Yeah. It's just an area. It's kind of cloudy.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And sometimes. You try to go in? I try to go in and it's just thud. Yeah. Right.

If you see that in real life. Which can be gray. You might flip your lid. Yeah, that kind of thing would make me top. I don't know how I would see it because I'm not looking there. Right. Right. You know?

Yeah. Speaking of girls and grades and dates and how Tyler smokes and Pokemon Go, what's one thing you wish that your parents would just once and for all just learn and stop saying and learn not to say anymore? Yeah. saying and learn not to say anymore. Yeah. You know, well, my mommy and my daddy both, I got to admit, they're technology savvy.

They do know. Mommy and daddy both. They're locking you out. These guys are nuts. They're using emojis. Yeah. Mommy and Daddy both. But the thing that I wish they would understand is that when you're playing a video game, you don't have to turn the controller to turn. You know what I mean?

Right. Hello. Mommy, Daddy. Hello. I tell my mommy that every day when she tries to play Cool Borders with me. And I say, it's not going to make them spin any faster if you turn your wrist, mommy. And lifting up in the air like it's going to make them jump higher. Yeah.

You don't have to jump with the controller. I have a message for mommy. Okay, go for it. Let me save it first. Oh, yeah. I didn't save. You can't just go turn it off. Don't shut it off until I save.

I hate that. And I lost all my cool boarders. That shit fucking pisses me off. I got a message from Mr. Wheeler. Good, I want to go to the office. Ooh, because you got a hot teacher. Good, I want to go to the office. Me and the dean have a good relationship.

Oh, yeah, you guys can talk. Give me OCS. I'll take a nap in there. I'll sleep all day. I'll read a book and write a book. Me and Dean Gale Karate have an understanding. Me and Vice Principal Frazier,

we get to talking. So, when you are eating chicken nuggets at lunch, and it costs you $1.25. Right.

And it's Friday, so the Otis Bunkmeyer cookies are two for a dollar. Yeah. And the sauce is tasty, and the cricket cut fries are just right, crispy, not soggy. And someone goes to sit down next to you, and they're not cool. how do you handle it?

Throw carrots at their head, or do you just say you're not allowed to sit here? Give me a nugget, sit all day. That's my rule. And who is it? Jesse's trying to sit with you? Jeremy. Jeremy.

Okay. Yeah, that's a good deal. One nugget for a full sit. One nugget, that's the cost. Jesse has a big binder of X-Men cards. So you can look at them. If it stays, you can... No, that's always a plus.

Look at this S I drew. It's from Stussy. No! That is good. Have you ever thought of doing art? Yeah, I invented it. You invented the S? I invented this.

It's from Stussy, but I invented it. Dude, that's really cool. Hey, Whit. Yeah. Can I talk to you real quick? Yeah, what's up? I don't, I don't, something about this doesn't feel right. I know, I'm pretty sure I've seen that S somewhere before.

I've never seen it, it just blew my mind. But something about this doesn't feel right. Explain. I think he's changed. Because of his art? No, because of Michael. What are you saying? Have you realized ever since he's been hanging out with Michael, he's been like really into like art.

Like what is this? Yeah, it's different. It's really different. He's just straying away because of Michael. Yeah, but like I like Michael, but... I like Mike. I just don't, I don of Michael. Yeah. I like Michael, but I like Mike. I just don't trust him either. I don't trust him. I don't get none of this art junk.

He started carrying around. He's not an art guy. I like art. Oh. But Hayes is not an art guy. So you're saying he's not being himself. He's not being himself, and that's a big thing. Could you guys get back in here? I have an announcement. Oh, what's up? I'm thinking of going out for lacrosse team. Wait.

Clay, get over here. Clay, come here. One second, one second. Dude, that's really cool. I think that's awesome. I think you should really branch out from baseball. Clay, come here. What?

The lacrosse team. Are you hearing this? He's running the team. These guys are nuts. Listen, I don't think he's the best baseball player, but he's going to break up the fucking team. Wait. Hold on. One second.

He's a sleeper for art. Sean's a sleeper for lacrosse. Are you hearing this kind of stuff? This stuff is freaking me out. Who are these people? I don't know. They're changed. They're changed.

Wait. What? Michael is on lacrosse, too. Oh, my God. What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck is going on?se, too. Oh, my God. What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck is going on? Could you guys get in here? I have an announcement.

Oh, sure. What's up? Hayes and I just got cast in the school play. Whoa. Wow, good for y'all. Wow, that's, hey, dude, that's really. What role did you get? Michael's friends.

That's so cool. Wait, Michael who? Michael the lacrosse artist. That's great. Wow. Hey, Clay. That's really- Could you come over here?

Yeah, one second. I'm sorry. Hey, guys, congrats on all of this. This is so cool. What's- Let go of my arm. Dude, that's really cool. Come on, Clay.

Oh, thanks, man. Yeah, I'm excited. Michael thinks it's going to be really big for me. Dude, that's really cool. Come on, Tori. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah, I'm excited. Michael thinks it's going to be really big for me. Yeah, does he? I need to talk to you, man. What's going on? Are you kidding me? You can't write this stuff.

This is insane. First, he's drawing S's all over his binder and his driver keeper. And then Sean is drawing lacrosse team. Now Sean tells us Michael makes him in play with Hayes where they play Michael French. Oh, hey, Michael. Oh, no. What's up, dude? Yeah, no, no, no.

Yeah, so cool. Hey, bitch. Hey, Michael. Hi, Michael. So I hear that you're in a play now. That's really cool Yeah, I'm only the lead It basically rocks

And you got Sean and Hayes in there too Yeah As little tools You got any parts for us? Hey, no I mean, I think they're cool personally I think they're nice guys They're not necessarily tools

Those tools are just a means to an end for me Well, yeah Wait Clay, come over here Sorry, Michael Can we take a two? Guys, they're not necessarily tools. Those tools are just a means to an end for me. Well, yeah. Wait. Clay, come over here. Sorry, Michael. Can we take a two real quick? Am I hanging here?

Yeah, just stay there. Clay, I got an idea. This doesn't sound right. I'm going to record it. I'm going to record all the bad stuff he's saying. It's short to hate. Wait, wait, wait. Calm down. Get your phone out.

I sound. Okay, now. Are you wearing your pocket tee? Okay, you are. Wait, hold on.. Calm down. Get your phone out. I said hold. Okay, now, are you wearing your pocket tee? Go get your pocket tee. Okay, hold on. I'm starting to need to leave soon. Okay, one second. Okay, sorry.

Okay, ready? And start recording. Mr. Thomas. Oh, no. You know the rules. No phones at work. Oh, no. Principal Victoria.

I'm so sorry. Okay. I was just... I was just... School's not for phones. What do we say? School's not for phones. School's not for phones.

Finish. School's not for phones unless you're an idiot. That's not for phones. Finish. School's not for phones unless you're an idiot. That's right. A gay idiot. School's not for phones unless you're a gay idiot. Hey, principal. I was thinking... Oh, Michael, hello. Yeah, I was thinking

I'm going to start taking Friday Michael, I think that's great. I was actually sort of wondering Do you think I'd be able to get a role in your play? Yikes Clay, are you hearing this stuff? I guess the audience would probably flip their wig If the principal had a cameo

Maybe you could slap a kid or something Okay, I'm getting my phone out What if I gave you a line about jerking off how good it feels? Oh, hey, Michael. Yeah, what's up, dude? I was wondering what your thoughts on your two new friends. Yeah, maybe could you divulge a little bit of your feelings about them? Which ones?

Clay, no tape recorders at school. Darn it, Clay. Whoa. Were you dorkuses trying to record me? What? No. No. No.

Oh, good. Well, I got a split, so. Split? Oh, he just flew away. God. He's so cool. Oh, did I miss Michael? Was Michael here?

Yeah, he was. Oh, wow. I had a great rhyme about his name in a motorcycle, but... Okay, well... Anybody seen my rollerblade? Oh, Mr. Wheeler. No. Hey,blade? Oh, Mr. Wheeler. Hey, Mr. Wheeler. No. Hey, how are you, Mr. Wheeler?

My rollerblade scooted away. Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Wheeler. Oh, that sucks, man. Do you need some help? Are you going to hop to class? Yeah, I'm going to slide to class on my butt. Right, you're going to get down and then with one arm you're going to push yourself along the door. I have to drag myself to class on my butt. Right. You're going to get down and then with one arm you're going to push yourself along your arm.

I have to drag myself to glass on my butt. Are you sure you don't just need some help? I can put you in a cart. Yeah. If you had a shopping cart, that would be amazing. Clay, could you get your shopping cart? I can get a shopping cart, but I can't get one of those carts that have the big TV on it.

If I could get a shopping cart and two long plungers to push myself along. I can't get one of those carts. If I could get a shopping cart and two long plungers. To push myself along. No, yeah, we've seen you do it before. Mr. Wheeler, it's me, the dean. Oh, it's Dean Stintopoulos. I'm one of the two deans at this school. How are you, Mr. Dean Stintopoulos? Dean Karate is the other dean.

Ah, uh-huh. Now, you've been sending so many students to my office lately. I just wanted to thank you. Business is booming! I get paid per punishment. Do ya? I thought, didn't we say at one point that I would get some of the punishment money

Yeah, yeah, yeah but we have to meet certain landmarks Grease my wheels Yeah, it's just like I have to account for you know, office space and of course hiring an engineer and all the equipment account for office space and of course hiring an engineer and all the equipment.

I know it feels like it's a sunk cost. I don't think it's fair that I start in such a big hole. No, no, no. This is how it always works. And then you just permanently are making up that one initial cost. Debt that I owe to you even though it seems like

I'm sort of doing you a favor. No, no, you just don't understand how deaning works. It's a really complicated business. Can I speak to you over here? Yeah, sure. I'm here. Can I ask you one question? What's up?

What the heck is going on? I don't know. It sounds crazy. It sounds like the Decentopolis is dealing with Mr. Wheeler and money every time we get in trouble. Wait, let's just straighten this out. Okay. First, he's invented

Stussy. Yeah, that's crazy. It's a popular brand. He must be doing great. Two, Michael's taking our friends away. Michael's taking Sean to the lacrosse team. Also, Cassie and his play. And he thinks they're tools, but they don't even know. And three, how the heck is Mr. Wheeler going to get to his class?

He's going to scooch. The bell's about to ring. He's going to scooch the whole way. But meanwhile, the dean is getting paid by Mr. Wheeler every time he gets one of us in trouble for playing Pokemon Go. So every time I get a Pikachu and I get in trouble, the dean's making money. He's getting at least a buck. I bet they're giving some of that money to Michael. I just know it.

I got a big idea, Mr. Clay. What do you go for? I'm going to turn on my recorder and record him. Okay, they never took him away. I know. They just let us keep him. I'm going to turn on my recorder. We're going to interview them about this whole thing.

And then maybe they'll go to get in trouble or something. Yeah. And then they'll take Michael to jail and we can have our two best friends back. And they'll kill him. And they'll kill him, sure. They'll fucking kill him. All right. Okay.

All right. I'm turning it on. Okay. And I'm recording too. Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip. Hey, yeah. Hey, it's me, Lauren, captain of the cheerleading team. I'm sorry to do the freaking big handspring right into your face.

That's the hottest girl in school. No, it's okay. I mean, I didn't really care. Actually, I thought it was really cool. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's that sound? Are you playing freaking Pikachu over there? No.

No, Lauren. We don't play Pikachu. Pikachu's for nerds, right? Nerds. Oh, that's too bad. I'm a really strong trainer. I mean, I mean, nerds are cool. So we're nerds. Wait, what?

We play it. Whit, abandon it. Walk me through it again. No, no. Whit was just making a joke. He's kind of random. I can be random. Wait, were you recording my handspring? No. No. It wasn't. No, it you recording my handspring? No. No.

It wasn't. No, it's not like that. You pervert. My phone. You're a fucking pervert. Oh, no, Lauren. And I like it. Oh.

Oh, yeah. I was recording you getting dressed earlier. Yeah, both of us. We were recording you all day. That's good. We were recording you shit. Okay. Well, I guess we got to go now. Okay, well, I guess we gotta go now.

Okay, uh, actually, you know what, Clay? I'm gonna hang back with Lauren. Wait, what? Why? Because, Clay, this is my big chance. You know I've felt about Lauren since ninth grade. You felt like that forever. Remember, hey, what?

Was my boyfriend Michael here a minute ago? Oh, Michael, You're dating Michael? Since when? Since he put me in his play. He put you in his play? It's a really powerful play. What's it about again? He has two friends, a girlfriend.

He knows this principle. He really loves the way it feels to jerk off. What is this about, again? It's like the mafia or something. Have you met Hayes and Sean? Describe them. One's blonde and has a beard, and the other one's blonde and has a beard also. Okay.

Not as much. They sound rad. Yeah. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. That's my handspring alarm. Gotta go. Darn. They're gone. Wait, what was our

initial point? Okay, we fucking messed up now. What happened? But they're already rehearsing the play right now. Oh, so we got to go spy on their rehearsal. Okay, let's just spy on their rehearsal, and then after that, then we can talk to them. Oh, this is a good, let's go to the gym. Oh, it's a great scene where Hayes and Sean are in the play having a discussion. Okay, let's take it again from the top.

Hayes and Sean, do your thing. Okay, let's take it again from the top. Hayes and Sean, do your thing. Wow, this lacrosse sculpture came out really nicely. Yeah, it's of Michael throwing a corner throw in the goal, and he's cradling it the whole way down. It really honors the Native American roots of the sport lacrosse. Michael, it's amazing how good a friend he can be given that he has to take care of his mom.

Yeah, that makes him sympathetic. Wait, Clay, are you hearing this? This plays about Michael's life. It sounds sad. And not to mention, his and Sean are actually pretty good. Yeah, I would have to say, I really want to dog on him right now, but this is actually really good. He's taking care of his mummy. Wait, they're coming back. Okay, let's see what else they've got to act with.

Michael's coming in. Okay. Michael's coming in and he's having a conversation with Sean, a really loud conversation. Principal, why don't you tell me what you were doing in that office with the door closed just now? Do I have to? Yes. Well, I was doing something that feels really good. Well, I know what that means.

And what you got to learn is that, you know, we're nuanced people. It was jerking off. Okay, yep, that's what I meant. Yeah, well, listen. You know, me and Hayes and Sean and Lauren and even Witt and Clay, we've all got a lot more to us than meets the eye. You see us as you want to see us, in the simplest of terms with the most convenient definitions.

The lacrosse artist, the other lacrosse artist, there's three lacrosse artists, actually, the cheerleader, and the two guys who want to tape record everyone. But we're actually a friggin' brunch club. Clay! Wow, I didn't realize I was exploding with comment.

This is a biographical. This is really good, too. Okay, they're going in for the closing monologue. Wow, it's redeeming of Michael. I'm glad we caught the tail end of this. We should write it up for the school newspaper. I think

so. Okay, now listen. Let's listen to this big closer. From who? From Michael. Oh, okay. This is what the play's about. He addresses every character. Shut up. I want to listen to it. Now I know it feels, Principal, like I just gave a big closing monologue that summed up the entire movie. But here's what I got to tell you.

There's another one coming, too. And it's going to be even better. It has to be, right? Or else, fucking why are we still here? So, um... when I was growing up I didn't have a whole lot and

I guess I thought that's just the way life was that it wasn't fair and maybe it was my fault maybe it's what I deserved but you've taught me something. I deserve to feel good. And if feeling good

means jerking off in front of my lacrosse artist friends, telling the principal that that's what I like to do, dating the captain of the cheerleader team even though I don't really understand vaginas, what they do, where they are, how they work. Michael, it's your mom. Okay. I don't have hand cancer anymore. Then you can hold me again. This is actually all coming together pretty nicely, Clay Shh, shut up

I want to hear, I'm sorry Clay Yeah We're going to write the best article redeeming Michael for all of his bulliness after this My hand is small again. Good, yeah. Look at it. Oh, my gosh.

It looks pretty normal. Look at me wave. I guess there's only one thing left to say then. Mr. Wheeler sucks. Yeah. Wow. That was really good. Mr. Wheeler sucks. Yeah! Oh, wow. That was really good. Wow.

Hey, Clay, I gotta say, boy, Michael really redeemed himself. Let's go up to him and congratulate him and then apologize

for Hayes and Sean. Hey, can I take you to the side real quick? Oh, sure thing. I feel like we learned a lot today. So did I. And I'm,

I'm really glad that we got to start hanging out again. Yeah, but you know, we haven't really hung learned a lot today. So did I. And I'm really glad that we got to start hanging out again. Yeah, you know, we haven't really hung out a lot lately, and I feel like this whole experience has really brought us back together again. Yeah, so sorry about that whole Rebecca thing. Yeah, you know, you know, I understand that you really like Rebecca. Yeah. And I shouldn't have supported you from the beginning, but I just felt like she was taking you away from me,

and it made me miss you. Hey, Clay, what do you say we get with Hayes and Sean, and we go out there, and we catch them all? Let's catch them all, pal. What? Let's catch them all, pal. Okay, pal. Okay, pal.

Hey, Sean. Oh, hey, what's up, dude? Hey, guys. You guys poking? Poking around? No, not really. Yeah, hey, what's up, dude? Hey, guys. You guys poking? Poking around? No, not really. Yeah, we don't like Pokemon anymore. We just play it to make fun of it.

Yeah, it's a freaking joke to me. Oh. I'm not addicted to it. We just catch a Pokemon to talk about how stupid they look. Oh, yeah. I catch them just to torture little critters. Yeah, to pull out their fur and make them cold. Yeah.

You can't do that. Some of them don't even have fur. Or feathers or skin. Yeah. You know, beaks, whatever. All the classic stuff. Anyway, so you guys say tonight we go over to Davenport's and maybe grab a slice, like old times.

My mom's pizza place? Yeah. slice like old times my mom's pizza place yeah yeah what do you say yeah yeah that sounds cool you guys have gotten really there's a pool in it now yeah hey is you've really matured in the last day with your voice yeah my arc is that I became cool hey nobody splash my pizza okay hey Sean you got it I won't splash the pizza

alright so I got a split obviously yeah but thanks for everything and good luck. I'm moving.

Where are you moving to? Yeah. Arizona. Oh, because of your dad. Yeah, well, one of them. Transferred to a different hospital. Wait, your dad's in the hospital again? Yeah.

New one? Yeah, by choice this time. Oh. Why? He wants to work there. Oh, by choice this time. Oh. Why? He wants to work there. Oh, he's working there. Okay. Well, that's better.

Just hard because he's so sick. Bye. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Adam Sachs, and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com.