Hollywood Handbook - Zeke Nicholson, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: May 9, 2017

Sean and Hayes are joined by ZEKE NICHOLSON of Lopez for a discussion of how to get so much work done. This episode is brought to you by Casper Mattresses (www.casper.com/handbook) and Blue Apron (www.blueapron.com/handbook).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. What? You're making faces like you are. What? Did you want me to? Like you're starting to say something. Well, wait. Did you want me to do the? Oh, am I supposed to be saying something now and start doing the show? Well, you said you were going to. Oh, did I? Yes. Oh, okay. Well, maybe I was mistaken.

I think maybe that would have been commanding you too much. Okay. I don't want to be steamrolling you, Hayes. I want to give you space to be you. Okay. Is there anything that you would like to talk about? It just seems like there's something that maybe you would like to bring up. I don't know. I guess I could think of something that, you know,

maybe some people say some things online hurt my feelings. Well, you did. Can I say, because you did can i say because you did mention something to me i don't know if this is the same thing okay that you're talking about say it and if it is i'll tell you yeah you did and believe me i'm gonna let you say you did mention i think that some people uh mentioned on reddit i don't really read this stuff i don't i don't read the comments i mean either but sometimes people send it to me and i guess somebody wrote that uh that you had been a little hyper sometimes in your performs and that you were commanding me a little

too much and sometimes when i was trying to do my bits uh that you were making a little too much noise and being rude you know they're like a few there were a few different voices expressing different variations of the same thing. And it sounds like you agree with that. No. I'm just repeating what they said. Which, great. Good to know.

I always strive to be aware of myself and my shortcut. I want to know. And if that's how you feel, then I'll just be— Who are you talking to me? I'll be laying back in the cut. I'll be kicking it and i will be giving you plenty of room okay okay i don't want you to do that i would like you to host the show with you wouldn't know it from some of this reddit that my cousin sam is showing me that it's you wouldn't know that i want you to do that but i i i have nothing to do with those things. So you wouldn't know it or not know it.

You promise? Yes, I promise. You promise? Yes, no, I promise I want you to do the show with me, and I love the way you do it. Because I always feel like when I'm getting hyper and excited that that's helping the show because I'm having so much fun with my friend Hayes, and I didn't want to think that Hayes is getting mad

and going in secret on these sites with the web and doing these madness on the comment and saying I'm commanding being no because if I were to do that I think I know what would happen which is you would be quite you'd fold your arms and you'd sit and you would be quiet and you'd sit in the cut and I don't want you to sit in the cut sit back in the cut and i'm and and because what i'm afraid of is what's happening when i'm just saying my ideas and having fun with my friends is that people are picturing me beep beep and driving a a roller machine that flattens yes the show. Remember Austin Powers? That's me, and that's me as the guy in Austin Powers.

Trying to back up? No, that was a car. This is like a roller machine that flattens. That... And so I don't really want to do that. Let's ask Brett. Brett?

Have you observed this? You've bowed out of doing the show for a few weeks, had other priorities. But has that dynamic ever been something that you have observed? It seems like being commanding is a good thing. Do you think it's possible that maybe the reason I've sounded slightly more aggressive in some of the recent episodes is that I've been fully in the zone and comedically mastering my own voice and that I'm sort of strapping the show to my back and carrying

it to a funniness land. Well, that sounds a little... That now sounds like an attack at me. Quiet! I mean, I haven't done the show. I'll tell you when to talk. You shut up. It's not your turn.

I think... So it does seem like... Peasant. I do have to pick between silence and this. And given those options, I will take this. And I'll like it. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. Do you want to do the song again?

yeah sure let's let's just play it I don't really have anything so I'll just say whatever and you know now I feel free so I'm there I'm in the

dark water slide tunnel with Eric Bana and Candice Bushnell. And we're on a tube and the tube is deflated. And we're stuck and we're punching our way out of the tube. But it's a dream. And I should have planned something to say, Hayes. It feels like I'm really struggling. I thought it was great up until you said that it was a dream. It seemed like I could have come much later.

Okay, so it's not a dream. It's real. And let's just introduce the guest. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker halls of this industry we call showbiz. People ask us how we do all this stuff. We do this show. But that's not all. And we are having conversations on the phone with each other and with other friends.

With each other, with friends. We're posting. We're helping engineer Brett put his mailbox back up when the kids in the neighborhood knock it down because they're pissed at him. Yes, and that takes a long time. He gave out back candy at Halloween. That takes a long time because the kids are waiting sort of at the bottom of Every time it's back up, they knock it down. The kids are basically down of at the bottom of every time it's back the kids are

basically down there and they're thank you guys again for that i'm so much it's whatever they hate those small candies they give out yeah he gives he takes the fun size and then he gives out what he calls really fun size which is he like he's rolled them up with his hands into perfect balls. Yeah, and it looks like it's got hand stuff on it. And when the kids come to his door, he kind of holds the candy up in a hand gesture that suggests open your mouth. And then he goes.

Yeah, try to play catch with them. And when I've said that it seems unsanitary to keep rolling them up, you go, don't worry, I use hand sanitizer between every one. Which seems like then that's all over the candy. So we have this way that we do efficient time management and we want to talk about it with someone else who's a practitioner of this. We is also doing acting and writing and posting. Acting, writing, being a star, talking on the phone. I'm sure he's helped people with their mailbox. He's posting online.

And it's Zeke Nicholson. What's up, everyone? Oh, Zeke. How are you guys doing? The energy. And you got the Zeke what's up, everyone. Talk about commanding. Zeke, I almost want to lay back in the cut when i hear

that why don't you squeak back to the cut a little bit i might have to don't even suggest that he back at the cut because he will get stuck in there here's the thing about the cut though it's like it's a state of mind you know what i mean it can be a free-flowing path of energy you can go and come from the cut as much as you want it's's not a one-way street. I'm trying to picture this. Because he, yes. Okay. We were both kind of operating under the assumption that it was a real thing. That it was a physical.

Oh, no. It's a real thing. But what I'm saying is it's not like one of those heart valves, right, where the blood only flows one way. Yes. Now, this is something I'm an expert at. So now I understand. Now I can picture it. I thought of the cut almost as like a weasel hole.

It's that. Yeah. And then I'm living in there. Right. And I'm coming out for food or something, but the rest of the time I'm really in that hole with my other weasels. And you would, I guess, need a computer to see what people were saying about you being in the cut. Well, that's –

They got Wi-Fi in the cut. You squeak into the cut, your Wi-Fi connect is dope. Zeke, I... You're no stranger to the dating scene. No. Sure. You ever tie the cherry together, put the cherry and you tie it up?

Yeah, I put the cherry together and tied it up a couple times. Okay. I have a follow-up. Sure. Have you ever put the cherry- you tie it up? Yeah, I put the cherry together and tied it up a couple times. Okay. I have a follow-up. Sure. Have you ever put the cherry-flavored Starburst in your mouth and the origami the wrapper and then you spit out like a crane

and it flies away? Yeah, yeah, yeah. From time to time. Actually, I was pretty into that when I first moved to LA. God, that would feel so good on your pussy. Like, think about it. Yeah. Somebody can fold about it. Yeah. Somebody can fold that good? Yeah.

I have a follow-up question. I used to fire full-size origami cranes into my first girlfriend's pussy. She loved it. I said I have a follow-up question. Oh, please. You ever put a cherry in there and a cherry starburst,

try to tie the cherry stem around the origami swan's neck so it looks like it's wearing Dober tie. But you accidentally swallowed the entire thing, the whole cherry and the starburst and the wrapper. And I have a follow-up question to that, which is, is it true that you swallow a cherry, you do become a cherry tree, George Washington chopped you down?

Yes, all of that is true. Yeah. Okay. See? Yeah. No, and I owe Hayes an apology. Because I thought that if you swallow a cherry, and you do a cherry stem,

that you don't turn into a cherry tree, George Washington chopped you down. That what happened actually is you just go to sleep and you never wake up. Oh. And you don't wake up unless you get a kiss from a very special princess or prince or Or prince. Or unicorn or troll. Or elf or an orc. Or any lord of the ring. And that's what I thought.

You know, I guess it's dating in the cut versus dating out of the cut. The scenes are different. In the weasel hole. So in the weasel hole, maybe, yeah, you don't get chopped down by G-dubs. And you do get chopped down by a huge or, yeah. So like in the weasel hole, maybe, yeah, you know, you don't get chopped down by G-dubs. Wash. And you do get chopped down by a huge orc who then kisses you in the lips. Yeah. Yeah, the kiss.

Oh, that's right. If you do get chopped out first, but then you get a kiss. Right. Mm-hmm. Maybe you turn back into Sean again. Yeah. Well, that would be nice for me. You guys ever dated anyone who's allergic to paper?

Mm-mm. Doesn't like it when you fire origami cranes in their puss? Mm-mm. I never dated anybody. you fire origami cranes in their puss? Mm-mm. I never dated anybody. Oh. All right. What about you? We don't like that.

We don't play games. You don't play games. You know what I mean? We're straight up. No doubt, yeah. Yeah, I hate these games, and I'm just over the games, and the scene for me now is about being totally straight up. Either we're married, or that's it.

And so I'm married to quite a few people right now. Really? Yes. And they all love it and they all want to keep doing it. Do they know about each other? No.

No. I'm sick of the games where you tell them about each other and try to make them jealous of each other. I want to stop playing those games. This is mostly in chat rooms. You know everyone's cyborg? Yeah.

For Sean, it's more like ASL. Do you want to get married? Got it. Yeah. Yeah, ASL, marital status, you know. And then a lot of times if they write single, I go, not anymore, baby. And I send a ring emoji. And that's how I cyber.

And I'll do it in Buffy chat rooms. I'll do it in Firefly chat rooms. I'll do it in Dollhouse chat rooms. You know, I'm a Joss boss, baby. I'm a Whedon Terrier if you catch my flow. I'm going to get back in the cut for a little while and let you guys do your thing. Thank you. so we want to talk about this process of doing so much stuff and having all this time to do it and still working on our bodies and still being able to talk on the phone having all this time

to yeah have a good body talk on the phone and do your work right and the way that we do this is this sort of strategy where instead of doing, all these people do like eight hours of work every day. They go to work and like, this is more like Dilbert. Honestly, if you read Dilbert, there is a lot of this stuff in there. He's essentially a groundhog. And there are some of these cartoons where the cubicles are like little groundhog holes. And that is what it's like to go to work every day.

Not unlike the cut. Staying out of it. Staying out of it. Giving you room. But this wasn't in response to anything I did. It was that you were I'm just trying to feel more. When is the moment that I should be in the weasel hole?

So what we do instead of we don't do this 8 hour work day we have this thing that we do and Zeke does as't do this eight-hour workday. We have this thing that we do, and Zeke does as well. It's outdated. Which is the one-hour work season. Yep. There's summer, winter, fall, the other one.

There's four. And right now it's the other one. Yeah, unfortunately. But fortunately. We'll take one hour of maximum efficiency optimized. Concentrated. Yes. Like powder.

And it's purest form. It's like a crystal light powder of an hour. That we're just taking straight to the dome. Think about crystal light versus how much orange you need to make an orange juice. Now think about how much powder you need to make to make the same amount of crystal light juice. Yeah. And picture the different sizes of powder versus oranges. And know that what most people are doing is chopping down all these oranges, smashing them up, squeezing them, seeds in their hair, rinds in their eyes.

They're wearing the orange peel. And instead, we are actually just snorting a line of crystal light powder and then fucking jamming on down to like the met gala high-fiving with some of the tastemakers there and then we freaking go to the up fronts and see what's going to be on nbc next fall and then we freaking go to super bowl throw a touchdown and we're working on our bodies kind of all the way yeah through like and all of that is done in one hour, to be clear. Yes, that's work, because that's work too. That counts. It's not just that we get the work done in a whole hour.

No, the Met Gala is work. And then we do it again next season. So talk about how we do it like this and how we make it look so good. Yeah, yeah. I mean, well, here's the thing. It's about mental states, right? You know, like to use your analogy of the orange tree versus the crystal light packet.

It's like think about how much effort and thought and time and emotion goes into plucking each individual orange versus just that's a, that's a crystal light packet rip right there. Poof, poof, poof, poof, poof. And I'm in the water. Yes.

And I'm swirled, you know, but I say no water, even straight to the dome, no water. Yeah. Straight to the dome. I'm weird though.

So I think this is maybe where you and I differ. I snort water straight to my dome. Okay. Keeps me grounded. You know, ice chips, ice chips. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So talk about, uh, when you're swirling some of the clenching that you're doing on Keeps me grounded. Ice chips. Talk about when you're swirling some of the clenching that you're doing on different parts of your body to exercise the muscles

and some of the electric things you're plugging into yourself. I'm clenching. You guys circumcised? My dick is. I'm getting there. Keep at it man it's a process

I said I go to the guy and I say just do I'll come back in a couple weeks and we can do a little more but like and that's part of the

one hour work season is you don't do everything all at once no you spread it out a little bit and go I don't have time to do a whole one today

yes because you're doing it for your job you're shot for a year if you do it in one day yes and so I actually he has to kind of catch me in stride like I'm going i'm going through that office and i'm doing

one loop around the waiting room and he has to get oh but he has to do a couple cells he has to do what he's gotta do before i'm out the door right so and i'm clenching also in those moments as well so well anyway you'll know this when you get there hay Hayes. It's like there's a kind of tip. The bottom of your penis, kind of like underneath the head, there's this really sensitive spot, and I'm always clenching that. That keeps me connected. Do you feel me? No, that's the part. Because my dick is, as I said, circumcised.

And there's a part of it that I can definitely feel, and it works great. feel and it works great. Yeah. And I am always thinking about it and always looking at it and squeezing with it, like you said, and clenching it. Squeezing with it. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I'm squeezing because I'll usually be holding something with it.

Right. Like I'll be carrying something. Hand weights. Whatever it is, you know, it doesn't matter. It doesn't have to be a traditional weight. It could be a soup can. Sure. That has weight.

That's the thing about it is like you find what you need everywhere. Mm-hmm. You know? Yeah. The one-hour work season. Yeah. So I think we're still talking about things that I'm clenching during this. Yeah.

I think so. And some of the electric stuff that's plugged into you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So do you guys have like a kind of standard DJ setup at home, I assume? Yes. Yeah. I set it up for them. You set it up.

Thank you. Yeah, Brett Trott muted Crab's Catch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the sort of like needles, there's actually an electric charge that runs through most DJ needles. And I'll just sort of put that on each elbow skin. And that just kind of creates a north-south pole electric thing. And correct me if I'm wrong. At that point, you have the juice.

I've got the juice, yeah. Yeah, the juice is mine at that point. Yeah. So, yeah, that's how I stay grounded and connected, both electrically and emotionally. Oh, that's really interesting. I do the same thing all the same. Hayes? Here is my question.

Yeah. When I'm putting the needles on my elbows okay and i'm spinning around it's i'm not getting the bpms currently that that that i'm looking for to get sure people high because like because i yeah i sort of have this like ongoing uh it's not a wraith it's like more looky than that but but something going on in my living room that I try to, people go in and go out, but it's kind of this ongoing scene. And right now the BPMs are super low. I want to sort of bring it to life a little bit.

Let me ask you a question. The first time you got on a bike, did you bike from Bangor, Maine to Santa Monica, California? The first time, no. Right, right. So here's the thing. It's like it takes practice. You know what I mean?

You're not going to be there overnight. Yeah. You're going to be there in a couple of seasons. So I think keep at it, and you'll find your way. Because I have so little time to work on it because I can only work on it for like less than one second because I only have an hour to do. Four hours a year.

To do all my other work. Yeah, it's a four four hour work year or the one hour work season um do you want to talk a little bit about chaga mushrooms and the power of those mushrooms and how fast they make you move and almost like super mario mushrooms where they make you pretty fast and strong and big and jump oh god chagas what a discovery those were i went through seven years in la not having. not having swift a chaga. Oh, and at that time, you were totally sucking. I mean, prior to really finding the chaga.

Right, yeah. Yeah. I like to, you know, the chaga and my shaman, those two things I really credit for having the career that I have had. Please don't squeeze the shaman. I remember sort of being in the vicinity when you laid eyes on, and I will take a second to acknowledge that, because you said that was very funny what you said.

I don't know. I remember sort of lingering around when you did lay eyes on a chaga the first time, and I remember the next day turning on my television, and there was Lopez, and there was Zeke. There I was. Yeah. Golly. Yeah.

Wow. So do you know, actually, there's a pretty fun story for how I first heard of Chagas. Oh, I would love a story like that. Perfect. Yeah. I was on, I was on, I was doing Birthright in Kenya. Yeah, there's a blank version for Birthright. Many people don't know that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's a blank version for birthright. Many people don't know that.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, where African warlords will send money to people in the United States to have them come over and discover their roots. And so I was in Kenya partying with a warlord, kind of explaining what was going on in my career. I couldn't catch a break. And he was like, have you tried the chaga mushroom? Have you tried it? And I was like, have you tried the chaga mushroom? Have you tried it?

And I was like, no, Watatambe. I have not tried the chagas yet. What is it? And he was like, sniff it. Sniff it in your nose. Oh, wow. And I did. And got a call from my agent the next day.

Recurring guest star. Oh, on the Mario Lopez show. On the Mario Lopez show. On the Mario Lopez show. That's really big. And Hayes, you were lingering around watching that Warlord conversation. I was lingering in the vicinity, yes. You were already in Kenya for something else.

I was also doing Black Birth, right? As sort of research for a role. As Wadatombe. Right, yeah. What's the state of that script currently? It is for a role as Wadatombe. What's the state of that script currently? It is winning awards. Really?

They are skipping the movie. They are just going to do the script and they have decided that that is eligible for all the awards. Yeah. You know where I go to research a role? Cinnabon talk about mario can you can you talk about mario a little bit

yeah yeah does he let you like is he nice god mario he's so funny you know what most people know about mario he sings all the time funny songs such funny Such funny songs. God, I was over at Mario's house last night, and he was like, oh, Seeky Baby, what's going on? And I was like, nothing, man. I'm a little down, you know? Like, things have been slow. And he was like, let me sing you a song. And I was like, Mario, I don't know.

This is a social setting. He also kind of has, like, low frequency raves going on at all times. Yes, yes, yes. And he was like... Sleepy raves. Sleepy raves, yeah. Let me ask you a question. What's your favorite condiment?

Is this Mario talking to you or is this Zeke talking to me? In this case, you be me and I'm Mario. What's your favorite condiment? I'm being you. Okay, so this is Mario talking to me. I'll get into character. Who is you? Zeke's Mario. What's your favorite condiment? Yeah, okay you. Okay, so this is Mario talking to me. I'll get into character. Who is you? Watch your favorite condiment.

Yeah, okay. Okay. And it's Mario. Right. And you be Zeke. And I'm going to be Zeke? Yeah, you're me. Okay.

Okay. Mustard. Mustard. Oh, the he thought I like to spread the Dijon. I got the hot dog and I leave in a bog. And I'm just like Mario. And this is a song? And he's singing that.

And he's singing this right off the top. Does it go with the beat of the rave that's happening? Oh my God, it sure does. And it's like, you know, when God creates man, he's not supposed to have one vessel that contains all the talent. He's supposed to spread it

around yeah a cluster of babies yeah god doesn't give with both hands you know because you would think okay mario's funny and he can sing that doesn't seem fair and he's good looking could jump high and he has chaga mushroom yeah and he freaking is good at pipes yeah and then you're going wait a minute like is this guy really is this fair right is god taketh away god screw up yeah or what's going on does he like is it really hurt when you go to the bathroom or is there something that he we don't know about mario that like maybe that's why he's good at pipes could be because he broke the toilet and z can i tell you that when i said mustard before it was actually trolling brett and it did work did it work Brett got trolled because Brett's whole thing is like on other

shows he like part of his character is that he like eats mustard or something I don't really understand what it is but I never but we don't let him do that on this show yeah and so when I'm sitting here being like oh mustard's my favorite condiment even when I'm doing it as Zeke Brett's sitting here being like oh that's like my thing. Now I get to talk. But actually, he doesn't. No room for him. And Brett, now you can talk, but it has to not be about mustard. Can it be about

horseradish? It's getting saucy. And that is a kind of sauce. Horseradish is a kind of sauce. And Zeke was trolling you, and it did work. And you got trolled. Hollywood handbook. And so while we've been sitting here,

Brett's already been doing almost a whole season's worth of work. Wow. And so how would you suggest, Zeke, when you're looking at Brett and his body, how would you suggest that he can translate, he can do less work and do almost none. And maximize because work sucks. I know.

I hate it. All I want to be doing is floating all the time. Yeah. I just want to be in a float tank floating and alone. Right. And work, I have to be around everybody. They're looking at me. I'm raking leaves.

If it's the autumn season of work. Not if it's summer, winter, or the other one. So for me or for Brett, how do we stop and just only be having a party? I will say, just for the leaf raking skill of minimizing the work, it only takes one second to turn on the hose. And so you just put the hose in the yard, turn it on. That's less than a second of work. And then the leaves will eventually float away.

I like to do a really fun thing where I turn the hose on inside of my house, wait till the house fills up, and then the water rushes out the front door. All the leaves are gone. And then all the water's gone in your house too. All the leaves are gone from the water in my house. Is this Mario now? This is Mario.

Golly, I was like, what would Mario do if he were here right now? I thought of the same song. Brett, don't take credit for what is my one hour of work. Brett, so this is your season. You are doing this podcast as your season. This is a couple minutes of I'm allocating.

The first chunk I will be working. The second half I'll just be coasting. So back to your question. Brett's body is a disaster. We can all agree. And so what he needs to do is find community, right? Like for me. He needs to find a community.

He needs to find a community, right. So like from what I understand, Brett, you have a bunch of angry children that are knocking your mailbox down because you give them dog shit candy every day. That's not a community, Brett. That's not a community, Brett. You need to give them something that they need. What is it that those children need more than anything? Just larger candies, I guess. That's right.

Larger candies, Brett. Okay. So once you find- So like a Tootsie Roll? No. Think larger. Even bigger. Well, yeah.

And not even. I know you're going to say a big Tootsie Roll. Don't say,'t say not that big because some of them are freaking huge not like Charleston Chew no I get to eat the Charleston Chew right?

no Brett is my point not clear? do you guys understand what I'm saying? I mean this is when I hate being in the cut because Brett really needs help. He needs you to squeak out and help him out. He needs somebody to squeak out.

But meanwhile, you know. You're squeaking back into the cut. I squeaked back in. Are your fucking hips greased because you're sliding in? Yeah. You're getting in and out very fast, though. Earlier, it was a little bit more of a negotiation to get you in and out of the cut yeah it was more of an effort and now uh it just seems like the path has been worn

pretty cleanly so that i i can just kind of slide in and out not like a pussy that's had a bunch of origami flung into uh yeah i'm so glad you brought that up. Part of, obviously, the work week is fucking. I mean, the work season, rather, is fucking. That is work. Yeah. It is. It is.

God. It really feels like that. As somebody who's married to a lot of sort of soft sci-fi light dramedy fans, I got to be able to deliver the milk a little bit. Some might say that you're in the weeds. And I know exactly. And that is some of the softest sci-fi. Yeah. And I am one of the people who would say that. People, yes.

People don't realize this about weed. Oh, I almost forgot that this was going to happen. Hi, Kevin. I had something really good going. Yeah, Kevin Hazard finally found his stride Kevin sit down hi Kevin

you look different today sorry for interrupting his mic's not on yeah there you go thanks sorry for interrupting how often do you wear a tie to work, and how long has this been going on? I wear a tie Monday through Friday, and it's been going on for maybe three months. So you look at this guy, who are we seeing when we look at him?

I think we all know who the hitter is, and it's Dilbert. Absolutely. Dilbert. Absolutely. Dilbert has entered the studio. He's jumped out of the newspaper, and he has found his way into the studio. Right, my whole world is two-dimensional. But this is a groundhog who's in his cubicle, and work sucks, and he's like, no, work is actually great. So what would you do to get, like, Kevin's job is to come in here and take four pictures and walk back outside and then stand outside until the next people come in, I guess.

I mean, there's nothing else for him to do here. Right. He made a slideshow. You noticed. you noticed. Kevin made a slideshow, and I hate to sort of get out of the cut and step on your toes in any way, Hayes, but to say that all he did,

yep, vroom, and all, yep, zoom, and to say that all he does is stand there is to ignore the fact that once he made a slideshow like six months ago. And I noticed the slideshow is being displayed on like an entire computer in the middle of the office. There's like a computer that's dedicated to just playing the slideshow. And I think they have these like little frames that will do that. And then the computer could be used for something else.

It could go to like a smart little kid who wants to do a science project. But imagine that. So that happens, and then I walk in, and I don't know. Was Hal Rudnick on Sklar Brothers once? You know what I mean? Like I'm not getting this kind of information visually, and I'm lost. Yeah. And then when it comes up at a party when people are talking about

how erotic was Scarborough country, the way it is now, you can say I saw this slideshow but otherwise you're lost. And the party is over.

Kicked out of the party. And the party ends. They I get kicked out of the party and the party ends. They throw you in the pool. Oh yeah, and the pool is empty. And then it drains out of the window and it takes all the leaves away because it's at Zeke's house. Zeke, talk a little bit about Kevin. Just about Kevin?

Yeah. In general? Kevin Byrd, I guess, is what? Zeke, talk a little bit about Kevin. Just about Kevin? Yeah. In general? Yeah. Kevin Burt, I guess, is what? In the nomenclature of the strip would be his name. Oh, Kev Burt. Okay, I was going to talk about Kevin James, but I can do Kevin. Kevin can wait.

We need to talk about Kevin. You sure can. That would have really worked in the opposite direction. Brett, please do that fix that what is that what do you mean by that flip it if he had said we need to talk about kevin then my response of kevin can wait oh so choice is it worth it let me work it you could take our jokes in reverse mario would have said that yeah he sure would have it's you're flipping kevin so and so yes so you were talking about kevin yeah so from what i understand so so dating life pretty active right kevin it seems because here's the thing that you guys uh might not know women

are drawn to powerpoint presentations like a bat signal in the presentations like a bat signal in the sky. Like a bat signal in El Cielo. Like Batman is drawn to a bat signal. Right. Men were a woman. Yes. And he saw a PowerPoint presentation. This is an aspect of Batman that I hadn't appreciated. So he's kind of horny for the bat signal.

Right. He is looking to be satisfied by the signal. And then once he's out there, he's like, okay, might as well be the bad guy. Yeah, Batman might as well be the bad guy. Exactly. So I think, Kevin, you're doing all the right things, okay? I think keep up, make the PowerPoint presentation bigger, harder, faster, stronger. Maybe think about diversifying your pictures of Hal Rudnick.

Find beach shots. So right now it is just a slideshow, but it could be more of a PowerPoint presentation. Right. So this would be great. You went and changed that slideshow out there, and it's Hal Rudnick on Scar Brothers, but it's also some bullets of some funny jokes that he did.

Right. I remember this one joke Hal told. Can I just tell it? Yes. So he said, you know when you draw with a Sharpie? Why is the point so tight? Uh-huh. Yeah.

Oh, no. Do you get it? Yeah, no. Do you get it yeah no yeah no i yeah yeah yeah oh do you mind if i tell that please yeah you know when you draw with a sharpie yeah why is it you know and you know the rest yeah yeah yeah yeah that's so yeah um, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kevin, how are your graphing skills? How are your graphs? They work.

They work. Good, good, good, good. I'm going to give you three things. I need you to graph them, okay? Great. A wood table. George Washington. Who?

And the cut. The cut Washington. And the cut. The cut? Yeah, the cut. How do you order those three things? Graph them. And do a pie chart after. Yeah. George Washington is the y-axis.

The cut is this. The y-axis. Good, good. Keep going. And the cut is. And Brett's learning, too, which is good. Thank you for being a good Brett. The cut is the x-axis and the table

is the Hollywood axis the Hollywood yes the Hollywood axis good he knows look despite

the Dilbert exterior that's almost what that's called he's ready to go yeah that could be just another good thing to have on the on the PowerPoint.

Do you want me to reverse the Access Hollywood? Yeah. Make it say Access Hollywood? Flip it down and reverse it. Okay. Please. That's going to be really good. When we finish editing this episode, we're going to be a couple of real smart, funny guys.

Because we have been all around it. I got to say. I mean, sometimes you do an episode and you're missing. Yeah. And that's today. But we're just missing. And that, to me, is its own kind of strain. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Did you just take a picture under the table? Wait. Did everyone hear that? I was getting it ready. I was warming it up. That's good. That's good. Did you just take an I was getting it ready. I was warming it up. That's good. That's good.

Did you just take an upskirt? No. Let me see that camera. Who did you upskirt? I just turned the screen on. Did you hear it? Yes. Yes.

It makes a noise. Let me see. If it's me, don't show it. It is Brett. God damn it. Kevin. What did we talk about, man? He's been upskirting you?

Yes. Creepshot. And then he posted on this place called Creepshot. The slide show? Yes. Oh, no. And then there's a PowerPoint about it. There's a graph.

But in his defense, Brett, you've got to stop wearing cargo shorts. You are. You blame me, the victim. You are asking for it, Brett. Brett. It's these camo cargos, camo cargos. It is blown out. It's not worn out.

It's like frayed at the edges. Yeah, it's singed. Something has exploded out of the middle of it. It's singed around the edge like there was a freaking firecracker in there or something. It looks like a human, like when an alien has come out of it, the fringes are just dingling in the wind. To me, it looks like you went to a batting cage, set your cargo shorts up on a tight clothesline, set a baseball on fire and put it in the pitching machine at a million miles an hour and blew it through the cargo shorts. That's what it seems like to me.

What is the real story? How did you do that? And what happened that made you have to expose your crotch to me all the time through your shorts? I like the breeze. No, but I talk about the process. I know why you do it. Talk about the process of distressing,

and that's a gentle way to say it, your cargo shorts in the way that I see them right now. Yeah, I just... And no mustard stuff. Well, if you want the real story, you're going to have to get some mustard. And you use hot mustard to burn through. Oh, well, if you want the real story, you're going to have to get some mustard.

Any used hot mustard. Yep. To burn through. Don't say that, Kevin. Sorry. Yeah, you want just like a real nice hot, like the Philips mustard. Yeah. You submerge the shorts in there.

You run over it with the car. You put some like catcher's mitt kind of oil on them. Kev, talk to me about corporate bureaucracy and how some of the inefficient ways that these meetings are run these days. They're too slow. They go on too long and they could be way more efficient if we just brought some PowerPoint presentations and graphs to all these meetings. And I bet some of it, some of what's going on in there is more about telling your boss that all the

smart stuff is his idea. Kind of satisfied his ego. It's feeding the ego. Yeah. And that it's not so much about just getting the work done, is it, Kevbert? No, it's not. And tell me, okay, so here's something about alice yeah she you're in trouble if you tell her that she looks that your dress looks nice right now now you're being a

misogynist so then i say okay i was lying your dress looks terrible and now i'm an even more oh now you're a real a-hole and so right and so i can't wait what What to do then? The solution is to squeak back into the cut. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And literally not talk about her dress or her body. Weak, weak. And Zeke did that. So that's the sound of squeaking back in where you're not talking about her dress or body when it's like, well, why?

I don't mind if she talked about my body. Yeah. Sure. I'm talking about Zeke's over here and the stuff he's clenching is working for me. Yeah. You know? To me, it looks like this guy is really able to do sex at a very high level. High level.

High BPM. High RPM. High. Yes, the BPM. Yeah. High squeaks per minute, okay? Squeepm. My initials.

Squeepm is your initials? No, he's going back to BPM. It just took him a little while. I'll reverse that. Get that in earlier. You might as well get one too. Should I start saying something? Brett could really use a room. You might as well get one too. Should we, oh, should I start saying something?

Like, should we just say some things that maybe could get stuck into the episode later as long as Brett's going to make a big project out of this? Right. Any like callbacks to other stuff? Seems like the Kevin James stuff could have had more room.

Start saying some things. All right. Chagarunga. Oh, yeah. Chunga. Yeah. Something. Yeah, but like.

Yeah, well, no, that was what we were saying. We said that, but there's like a funny twist on that. Oh, sure. Chumbawamba? Chagawamba is maybe something. So much beer, I got to just chug it all. Okay, yeah. Ziggy-zaggy, ziggy-zaggy. Chug a beer.

Like, yeah. Yeah, the fox. The fox, yeah. He's dead. And then... You guys like Marco Polo, the explorer? Did you guys see that episode? Okay, can we use that?

Okay. Did you guys see that sad episode of the man show? People were sending me around these clips of the man show where it gets very political in a way that is not my experience of the man show. Uh-huh. Yeah, I was also surprised that the man show, because one thing is, where are the juggies in all this? Yes.

There are no juggies in this clip. That's all health care stuff. Mm-hmm. Even just a reference to like, you know, you can also get medical care if you get injured jumping on a trampoline. And then show me something. Because the man show has gotten weird. I hadn't checked in with it for a while.

They benched Corolla. They benched him. He's not getting any PT. He's getting no burn. It's like get off the pine. You know what I mean? Yes. Yeah. getting any any pt he's getting no burn it's like get off the pine you know what i mean yes yeah carolla was conspicuously absent from the latest episode of the man show

and i'm starting to wonder okay is he squeaking back into the cut is he squeaking back into the cut and what's he working on in there you know they what what What could it be? A sketch packet? He could be working on a sketch packet. A spec pilot? Is he doing his spec pilot? And is it proprietary material developed while he was under contract with the man show that he's now trying to sell as his own individual? If you remember when Ricky and Ronnie tried to do Peripheral Vision Man as a sitcom. I never felt so betrayed by anything in my life. I thought we were a family.

For people who don't know what that is, that might just help because I see Kevin just being like, what is that? Right, Kevin? I don't know what you're talking about. He was at work basically when all that was on, and I know what it is. Because you don't have to work more than that on a day.

Peripheral vision, if I may. It was sort of like a comedic take on vehicular manslaughter. On vision. Yeah, oh, yes, yes. That's more accurate. It was a guy, Storm. His first name was Storm, Storm Bacher. And Storm would get in his Chevrolet Cutlass,

and he would fly down Brooklyn Boulevard, and he would just, just mow him down. And it was like a point system where every episode, he would accrue points for the more manslaughter he committed. And it was an interesting loophole they found where usually you can't use a known car brand for a manslaughter scene. But they took the name Chevy and then the Oldsmobile Cutlass. And they did kind of a mashup that allowed them to use these car companies' names because nobody could really be mad. It doesn't exist.

Can I tell you guys something? That show made me want to become an actor. Yeah, that's what first made me want to go to Black Birthright. Squeak into the cutlass. I'll just put that in. Yes, I think a lot of us were trying to figure out a way to do that. I'll just punch that in. And the peripheral vision plays into it.

He's like looking He doesn't have any peripheral vision. Looking to the side as he drives and normally that would be okay to do if you had

really good peripheral vision. He's like a horse with blinders. It's one of those things where they name the show after what is the character's primary flaw. Yeah, it's like

how The Flash is about this guy who keeps his clothes on the whole show apparently. Because I watch every episode and it hasn't happened yet. Frustrating. Yeah, that is exactly right.

Wow, yeah. But it's gone too soon, huh? I mean, it's like, what was it? Not enough network sponsors? How's a show like that getting canceled after four seasons, but Pugaruga's still in the air? You know what I mean? Yeah.

Can we all talk about how mad we are at Pugaruga? And just without risk of repercussions from... They had me on a holding deal and let me go. Yes, it's the way people talk about it. It's like they're scared. You have to say it's good. What are they, the Hollywood mob? You know, no. Yes.

They don't know this. Puga Ruga is not a good show. And I'm not saying you shouldn't enjoy it. I'm not saying you can't watch it. I'm just saying, objectively, Puga Ruga, the writing and performance has suffered from, of course, it was a great pilot, best pilot I've ever seen. Yes. But the journey we've taken from there is the quality's diminished.

Can we talk about that? Let's talk about it. Let's get into it. I mean, you got Alan Arkin, right, who is a phenomenal actor. Yeah. He is, honestly, through all the pougarougas that have gone through the show, he, to me, that is my pougarouga is Alan Arkin. I'm with you.

He's the OG poug Pugaruga, you know? Oh, yeah. It's so weird to see other actors. There's been nine or ten other actors playing Pugaruga since then. And I go, it's so strange to me when all I'm thinking is, like, he's no Arkin. Or she. Mike O'Malley is not doing it for me in the same way. Dane Starboard?

Who is that guy even? Yeah. Yes, who is? Who is that? Is that a name, right? Isn't that just one of the sides of a boat? What's the name? Yeah, isn't that just a side of a boat?

But pronounced a little differently? Yeah. Oh, God. You know, sometimes it's the – those are the things that occasionally make me want to quit Hollywood and just pack it up. And then I go, no, you know what? I'd be doing them a favor. That's right. I'd be letting them off too easy.

That's why they are doing this. That's why they're making Puga Ruga. Yeah. And they're letting them off too easy if I get out of town because they don't want me in here keeping them honest. No, no, no. And actually saying, hey, I don't know what this show is. I've never actually heard of it.

I don't know if I'm pronouncing it right. Is it a real show? They don't want me to do that. You know. They're scared. Just a bunch of yes men, yes women, yes all women, Hollywood. What is it, you know? They're scared. Just a bunch of yes men, yes women, yes all women, Hollywood. What is it, you know? Where is it?

Yeah, where is Hollywood? Where is it? I can answer that one. Fire it away, Brett. Yeah, do it, Brett. This will be a good laugh. Oh, it wasn't. Yeah.

Brett's on the Gawkerverse. Brett's on the Gawkerverse. Brett's on the Gawkerverse. I can see it. He's looking at the Gawkerverse on his computer. He's looking at one of the Gawkerblocks. I knew you were looking at my computer. I could see you. Well, then you shouldn't be on the Gawkerverse.

Which is. Okay. Well, you might as well tell us the news. Okay. I'm on Gizmodo. I'm mad at this site because it followed celebrities around in 2006. What the hell is this space council Mike Pence is going to lead? Captain America is no longer a supervillain.

He's a monster. That's one of the headlines. And Hollywood, if you just step out of the door, I mean, you're in it. Get out of here. For real? Yeah. Do you guys ever not know where you are for extended periods of time? Oh, yeah.

Well, I've been blacked out my whole life, basically. Yeah. I'm constantly sort of coming back into the room. Is this not what the cut is? Because I thought the way that you squeak back into the cut. You micro blackout. Is kind of like choking yourself to like, you know, just go to sleep for a minute. Yeah.

I'm permanently readjusting to my surroundings. It's sort of going like, okay. And this is part of why I keep doing this show with Hayes. It's like, oh, okay, that's Hayes of why I keep doing this show with Hayes. I go, okay, that's Hayes. I think I'm in your world. This is sort of an anchor for your lodestone to the real world. It's like my talisman in that Insomnia movie.

What was the movie with the – they're spinning it top. Air Force One. Yeah, and he's getting mad. Yeah, and this is why I keep sort of a hand on Brett's shoulder is that I can always have like a tactile like, okay, Brett is here. That means I'm doing the show. There's Sean. Right. And that's a nice anchor for me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is that for you, Zeke? What is my anchor? When you need to like find your bearings and so then you're kind of like, okay, this is where Zeke. And we should say Zeke has two fistfuls of throwing stars. Yeah. So I'm going to assume that has something to do with your answer,

but you've had them the whole show. Yeah, that's correct. Well, I didn't mention this before, but it's not just Mario Lopez that is in my life or part of my life okay because I thought it was just him this is big for me I'm just ready to admit that I did

think it was just him don't type this to the gawker don't let him know but actually Carson Daly has been involved in my career pretty early on. He sort of groomed me a little bit. He actually gave me these throwing stars. And he said, when you go on a podcast, if it starts to get out of hand, you fire these at the hosts.

Oh, no. Make sure that you control the narrative. I've seen you almost throw it at me more than once. Yeah. When I've been squeaking out of the cut. Yeah. Scott Ackerman caught one in the neck last week. Yeah.

He was trying to. But he doesn't like, I have seen him go through that before. He never blank. He never breaks character. Well, here's the thing. He's got, he has his whole, he's surgically, he's got elephant rhino DNA in his skin. Yeah. Because he's been hosting for so long that people just attack him.

I'll talk about one of my Carson Daly memories. Please. Which is he came out onto the TV and started talking to me. At night. Through the screen. me. At night. Through the screen. Yes, at night. Wait, so sorry.

He came out onto your TV, so he was on top of your TV. Well, it's more complicated than that. Yeah, he was on top of the bottom part of it, inside the screen. Wow. And talking to me. Balancing on the front, because you took me a picture of this. Looking right at me. Yeah, and this you took me a picture of this looking right at me yeah and this is before

I got rid of my TV obviously I don't own one this was kind of the last yes this was the last straw for me it was like

this guy could see me this is the last leaf that your house water had not yet washed away and and friggin and Carson came out

and he said oh man the new dmx album came out this week and he said boy this is one of these where i just i literally put it on and i just stared at the speaker for the next hour and he said that is a man with something to say and And I recall going, what does he have to say? You know, like, do I have to buy it? Yeah, I never found out. I think he was sort of growling. Why is he telling you this? Yes, like, why? Like, guys, I didn't ask about that. You know, and I also thought, like, why are you sort of staring at the speaker? But I don't know. I don't know what his

setup was. You know, if I can just speak to that person. Well, he's in your life. He's in my life, yeah. And with my personal experience with Carson, it's like, he's a man with gifts, you know, not unlike Mario Lopez, and he uses those gifts to their fullest potential. So he was given the power to communicate through television screens to one person individually.

And he chose you, Sean Clements. He told you about that? Yeah, to say, this is how I feel about the DMX album, because he knew that was what you needed to hear at that moment in your life. And correct me if I'm wrong, you went out the next day and you bought... Rough Riders. Rough Riders Anthem. I tried, yeah. at that moment in your life. And correct me if I'm wrong, you went out the next day and you bought... Rough Riders, yeah. Rough Riders Anthem.

I tried, yeah. I tried to get Flesh of My Flesh, Blood of My Flesh. Thank you, thank you. Oh, but was this during the CD strike? Yes. With all the CDs, what odd strike? The CDs didn't want it, yeah. They were marching because they wanted bigger boxes.

They wanted record album size. Because if you'll recall, we lost a lot in album art when CDs became prevalent. It was a big blow to culture. They wanted plastic that was commensurate with the work that they do. Yeah. And I remember that being frustrating. And the other time I talked to Carson, or he talked to me rather. with the work that they do. Yeah. I remember that being frustrating. And the other time I talked to Carson, or he talked to me rather.

He doesn't listen so good. Unlike the cut, that isn't one-way street. It was when he was telling me about Asher Roth. And he actually invited me inside the studio to see the genius at work. Inside the Asher studio? Inside the Asher studio. Inside the Asher studio. Inside the Asher studio, yeah. To watch his flow up close.

Man. Do you remember what the song he was working on was at the time? Here's what I recall. He was sutured to the beat. He had been someone who'd take a soldering iron or something. He had been... Someone who'd take a soldering iron or something.

Sure. And attach this man to the beat so aggressively that there was no escape for him. Got it. I think the song was about babes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that album. I remember that song. Partying or something.

Yeah. yeah yeah yeah I remember that album I remember that song partying or something yeah and for you to have like just developed enough

trust to buy a TV again because this was like I remember this was like 12 years later yeah it was after the first one

and then you turn it on and he is still in there waiting he was in there doing push-ups in his cage ready to attack i thought i'd you know taken enough time that it was safe to go that was water him getting out of bane prison essentially and the whole time the asher roth song was bumping and the whole time the Asher Roth song was bumping. Apparently.

Yeah, but do I remember which Asher Roth song? That's Asher Roth's heart. It's tough to pick between which Asher Roth song. I think it was like, I love Carson and love all the babes. I've been stuck in this TV for some days. That one? Okay, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I remember that album. Actually, I lost my virginity to that album. one? Okay, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I remember that album. Actually, I lost my virginity to that album. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I found it to the next one. What do I mean? Bye. I'm a horny girl wolf.

This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Colin Anderson, and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. Ow. That was a HeadGum Podcast.