Hollywood Handbook - Zoe Jarman, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: August 25, 2014

Hayes and Sean are completely steamed about how a certain Internet company is putting them in too many lists. Then ZOE JARMAN from Mimby Show is in the studio to discuss Hollywood Zoes, the rights of women, Castle School, and to act out a new play with "the dudes."See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, Kieran Culkin is revving it and revving it, and he's really pushing the gas on the jet ski. Yeah. And he's going, I just love the way, I love the way when you hit the waves. And I'm like, Kieran, you and I both know that this is just a trick to get me to hug you tighter. How did you avoid it? Well, what I wound up doing is I had to get in the water and then, and I just jumped in the water. And I said, unless you either let me drive, which is what we agreed on beforehand.

Yes. Or unless you start driving at a speed where I can give you a gentle hug and not have to grip so tight. Because, you know, I've had that forearm surgery. Well, I got metal put in there. You can't give big huggies. You can only give gentle huggies. Well, yes, I need to give a gentle hug.

For them, because you'll slice them. Yes, because I do have sort of a blade that comes out of the inside of my forearm now if I strain it tight enough. Well, if I completely stress those muscles, now a blade comes out from the inside. So if I were to clothesline someone, I literally would chop their head clean off. And I'd hope I don't have to do that. Especially to a friend. Herein. Yes. And I'd hope I don't have to do that. Especially to a friend. Here in, yes, in a hugging situation. Well, and people don't understand the danger involved in getting a big hug from me.

And that's what's so hard. And so, yeah, I jumped in the water and then I wound up having to slice up a shark and an octopus who wanted to try to attack me. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? We're going to go on a rant. This is something we do from time to time. It's another one of our classic rants.

If you'll forgive us, we are about to go on a rant, and this is another one about a company. Can I say first that we hate to get off on a rant? Yes. And I know that most people and traditionally rants are something that when someone's ramping up into them, they say, oh, I'm excited to do one of my rants. Here comes one of my rants. But Hayes and I take a little different tack where we go, we don't want to get off on a rant here. It's not fun for us. And it's not really fun for anyone else it's more of a an obligation out of a sense of duty rather than to actually entertain somebody it can be

scary to be around especially when it is there are people's jobs involved and things like that when it is uh when we do it against the company and it's been a little while since we dismantled the company i think you've heard a few less, I don't want to say it, but Cards Against Humanity ads lately. Yes. And you've noticed they're not advertising on our show anymore, and that's because they're not a company anymore because we did destroy them. We went on a couple rants against them, Ed. They ended up not advertising us anymore because they didn't have any more money because they weren't a company. Because not enough money because they can't sell funny cards now because we told the truth.

They don't get to be a company anymore. And now you don't get to be one. And you can't run ads on our show if you aren't a company. And so that's punishment enough. what we want to talk about today is not a funny cards company, but it may as well be because it's a funny list company and a company on the internet. And that's pissing me off. Buzzfeed has been putting us on all these lists. And the problem is when we go to look for ourselves to see what we're doing in the news

and we'll type our names on the internet when i have my cousin sam do my googles for me and he does googles of me and haze i want to come up what movies i'm doing and i don't want to come up oh 10 celebrities who can beat up superman yes and who probably really good in bed and definitely really good in bed and i'm on this list all over the place yeah it's guys we don't want to see ourselves on a list of like 10 old guys who you'd like to see do a pov porno we're not doing any pov pornos and kirk doug Douglas is not going to do any POV pornos. Oh, and P.S., Superman's a good guy. Yeah. So why am I beating him up? I mean, that's so insulting. To say that you could beat up Superman is to say that you have a problem with your morals,

that you would actually be capable of beating up somebody who was good and be a supervillain like Doomsday. Yes, yes. It's basically calling us Doomsday. And that guy was ugly. Yes, he was so spiky and such a nasty beast. Now, Hayes brings up a good point. Kirk Douglas isn't going to do any POV pornos. And you know who else isn't going to do any POV pornos. And you know who else isn't going to do any POV pornos?

Sir Ian McKellen. He doesn't want to do any of that stuff. He wants to do real movies, and he doesn't want to do POV pornos for your sick pleasure. And I don't think he wants to see an artist's rendering of what it would look like for him to do POV pornos when he has my little cousin Sam do his Googles for him. No. And something else, can I say, you know, sometimes we're looking at these together, these results, and when you see a list that's like 12 pairs of guys, I want them to do a

big kissy right now. It can be very, you know, it changes the whole tone of sean and i are trying to have a business meeting and it just like it it it sets it off on this course that is difficult to sort of recover well because i mean you read something and let's and let's clear the air because it looks like when you read that headline and you're sitting next to a haze and you turn to him, like, I've just read the headline now I'm making eye contact with you. He thinks I'm asking, do you think we should do that? Right. And I'm doing the same thing just because I'm looking and saying, are you even seeing this? Yes. But are you even seeing this?

But are you even seeing this? That face, you know, with people who are so expressive like us, can sort of be a face that kind of seems like, should we just do this? And when we do the computer, Sean and I both need to see the screen. So the computer's on my lap. Sean is kind of between my legs with his head between the computer and me. So he can see. So we can both see at the same time. I'm tucked up against his chest, the back of my head.

So he can see, so we can both see at the same time. I'm tucked up against his chest, the back of my head. And so when I turn to look at him, my chin is coming right underneath his chin and he's looking down at me. And so if you can picture it the way our heads are positioned, it would be a pretty romantic kissy, you know? And so you read something like two guys who I'd love to see do a big kissy. Right now. Yes, right now. Why didn't it say right now? Yeah, why doesn't it say at some mutually agreed upon time when they're not in the middle of business?

That you want to do it at some point. You don't have to say right now in your list. Now, I understand that you got, you know, Kellen Lutz and Max Greenfield to do it, and that's fine. Kellen Lutz and Max Greenfield to do it, and that's fine. And then they made an Instagram video or whatever the hell these techno freaks are doing on the internet. But that's no reason to pressure me and Hayes. If we want to do a big kissy, we'll do it on our time. And we don't, I don't think. Am I right?

I don't know what you're saying i'm not saying that it's neither here nor there yeah yeah but i'm saying i don't want to see the list anymore the thing that you have to think about when you look at a list like that is like what's the cost if you don't do it and they don't say they don't say if somebody's going to be in trouble or if somebody's going to get sick you don't know who's like putting the list together saying i want you to do this right now or else what yeah the right now i'm like oh is this because of somebody's like trapped and the yes somebody is going to set them somebody could be trapped and so we don't know if somebody is trapped and we know that the cost of actually

doing it is not so high no and we don't know what the cost of actually doing it is not so high no and we don't know what the cost of not doing it it's not the best thing in the world to do no no but there could be worse things sure there definitely but my favorite thing to do no no no and it's not my favorite either uh you know lots of other things I'd rather be doing. Please, please so much. I am getting right now really into cave swimming, and I just love these beautiful limestone caves down in Tulum, and I just think that it's just such a magical.

I think they were caused by meteors or something. And that's something I love. Now, is that an environment to do a big kissy? I don't know. You're swimming in the limestone cave. That's not the point. So basically, BuzzFeed, you can buzz off. And unless you want to be frigging chicken chicken feed because i ground you up and fed

you to my chickens which by the way haze you were asking are doing better they all had gotten some disease and yeah they were all tipping over yes they were falling over on their side and i couldn't get them to right up again um their legs had uh just become stiff. Yeah. Had become completely stiff. Firing eggs into the wall. Yes, and I got hit with an egg right in the stomach. Ooh, I said. Yeah, yeah.

But anyway, the chickens are doing great. But unless you want to become chicken feed instead of BuzzFeed, you need to buzz off. Have I said that? Yeah. And that's Sean saying that. That's actually not something I'm personally willing to say. I don't feel positively about this situation, but that is not how I would phrase it myself. Okay. And stop screwing up our Googles. Boy, we have such a fun and great guest today.

Zoe Jarman is here from the Mimby Project, and now she's doing and writing on TV, and she's going to talk with us, the boys, on Hollywood Handbook. Hollywood Handbook. Can I hear myself can I hear I don't know can I seems like no

is that better is that better well I mean I can hear myself perfect but is it better or worse when you have your headphones on are your headphones blocking your ears from hearing yourself or okay it makes it better it amplifies your voice is it amplifying my voice yeah i guess i guess so okay i just feel like i have headphones on yeah but does sound come

through the headphones um I guess so. Yes, a little bit. Okay. Wow. How loud is yours up? Sam, this is... We should be recording this. I mean, this is insane. I mean, I just...

I don't know what to expect. Headphones-wise? I can't tell because I hear myself speaking. Yeah. Yeah. I'm good then. Okay. It just doesn't feel like the microphone.

It doesn't feel like I'm super in the microphone, but I also don't know. Like, well, one thing is over there. Yes. You are pointing your head way away from it and turning it. Maybe I need it like this or does it? I mean, you want to put it in front of your mouth. Yeah. Okay. I mean, you want to put it in front of your mouth. Yeah. Okay.

I mean, I can hear myself. I think there's no problem. Okay. Good. I don't know. Sorry. No. No, it is Sam's fault.

Sorry. Sam's phone. So, I look down the aisle and I'm like, that's Asher. Mm-hmm. Raw. Yeah. And he's buying freaking toilet paper. Wow.

And I was just like, I'm sorry, I have to tell this story tonight, you know, because we're going to the same game night. Yeah. And did he say, okay, tell it? It was like, I want you to tell it. It's funny. Or did he say, don't tell it? Oh, he said, don't tell it. He said, don't tell it. He was firmly on the don't tell it side.

Oh, he said, you don't want that. Oh, yeah. And he, no, he don't want that. And he, because he, you know, is using it to clean up, you know, bathroom stuff. He does business. Yes. Well, yes. That's what it's for.

Yeah. And he's buying it like just in the store, like in front of everybody. And so then I was like, I'm going to tell it. And then I start running and he starts chasing me. Yeah. And then. He's going to catch you and he said, don't. No, I said said don't catch me

but he still wants to so then I stop turn around and I say fine you caught me what are you gonna do about it

and he cocks his fist back to take a swing and he looks at me and I see him realize this isn't gonna to go well. Already too late. Yeah.

And he just had to be like, okay, tell the story, man. And I didn't. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking Button, Dropping Names in the Red Carpet Line, Back Hallways of this Industry We Call Showbiz. What up, what up? What up, what up? All right. To our listeners and to our great guest and zoe jarman is here hello and she's from the mimby project and she's and she's

and she's doing writing on workaholics now that's true and she has done acting on stage and she's an actress and she is a writer zoe there's you and there's zoe saldana and there's zoe kazan and which one is which of them that's an interesting question because when your name is zoe you just get compiled into one person. Yes. So I'm glad you asked. But within the Zoe category, there are all these different people. And it's basically almost impossible to discern which is which. You have to take a class Zoe 101.

Who is who? Who is whom? to take a class zoe 101 who is whom uh zoe saldana is uh probably the lithest of all the zoe's that's how i'd uh make her out don't you say that don't you sell yourself short like that i'm live i'm just saying that so live thanks sean yes i know that I'm live, but Zoe Saldana, you know, she got her start in center stage. Is that true? You all have probably seen the movie about ballet on repeat. No, it's a movie about ballerinas. Black Swan, yeah.

At the circus. Yes, at the circus. At the circus we call New Yorkork city and that is so true but why explain that because i do understand that not everyone has been to new york who listens yes yes but i do know why it is a circus yes it is it can be We all know why it's a circus. Yes. Oh, gosh. The zoo and, but what else? You know better than me. The zoo is there. Yes.

The subway. The subway is like, it's like the hallway to the zoo. Yes, it is. Yes. It's like the path leading to the zoo that is lined with zoo animals. Well, the zoo halls. Yes. Where you, when you're on your way there.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Halls, yes, when you're on your way there. Yeah, yeah. And then all the very tall buildings, and you can't see very far, and it's just people are coming and going. Yeah, don't try to feed them peanuts.

You might lose your hand because they're maniacs. It's like it's a big circus talk. They like pizza, and that's it. Yes. Only feed them pizza. Yes. They love pizza. Right. They love pizza. Right. They say, mm, nom, nom, nom, thank you.

So amongst that, in that sort of, that's the location for the movie that Zoe Saldana beat, is probably the lithest in. She plays an actual ballerina. Yeah. But you walked in here doing those backflips where, like, your feet don't even leave the ground when your hands are touching. Yes. Hands backwards overhead, and then the feet are also on the floor, and then you kick up and over.

Now it's feet's turn. Then it's the feet's turn to go up over the head. Well, I always narrate when I'm doing gymnastics or any sort of aerobics. Well, and you are, and that is an educational experience, and you are something of a teacher, and you have teachers of blood in your veins. I do. And so you are always educating. Okay, now it's the feet's turn, and people can learn from that.

Now it's the feet's turn. Mm-hmm. Yeah. learn from that. Now it's Lafitte's turn. Yeah. I mean, and the thing that sort of an insider secret

about acting is, you know, when you go to your acting class, it's sort of like being given like a mantra where the teacher decides,

okay, Zoe, you're going to act with your mouth. Every actor has a different part of their body. Lucky choice, though. Lucky choice to get the mouth because you do have to do a lot of words in a lot of these shows. Right.

So if you're a mouth actor, it's sort of like that's what you're hoping for. Like the sorting hat, you're hoping for what? What is it? Gryffindor. You're hoping you'll get put into Gryffindor. You know in Harry Potter movies? Oh. No.

Wow. In Harry Potter, you go to Hogwarts, you show up at Hogwarts, and all the students have to put this hat on their head. A hog's warts who would want to who would want to go in that no no no no it's actually this epic very elegant castle school well it's not a change the name well you're right call it castle school okay in castle school... Now that I want to go to. Okay, I'm in.

What are we doing? You're learning how to be a wizard. All right. Uh-huh. Sounds a little scary. Well, let me at least move into my room and stuff first. Okay, you've moved into your room. You have all of your dorm equipment.

You've moved into your room, but that night... Am I allowed to have a hot plate or no no hot plate uh-uh no because you have a really really nice uh dining hall where the food is really good so is it open what are the hours like yeah because sometimes i have practice no no not 24 hours because at night everyone has to be asleep in their dorms because that's when a lot of mischief happens. I'm sneaking out, yeah. You sneak out. I'm sneaking out. The janitor, the old janitor, you're trying to sort of like make sure he doesn't see you.

He's the only one walking the halls. So you do have to get your eating done probably before like, I don't know, 10, 30? I don't want everybody to see me eat are you sure i can't have a hot plate i don't want to eat in front of everybody you know you could try to have a hot plate and see if they find it and i can just do a food spell anyway so that's that's the other thing you're gonna have your baton your or your it's just so noisy when i eat it is a baton i don't want everyone staring at me because it's so noisy. I'm flipping it around and I'm catching it

and I'm doing all sorts of tricks. Yes. And for me, it's a yardstick. And I wish it was nicer. You know, I've got this yardstick. Could you get yourself a nicer yardstick at this point? Well, I wish it was just a nicer you're going to the premiere it's a bad yard you wish it were a nice yardstick like well i would

like a nice one yeah but it's a bad one well i'm not even sure it's accurate it's it that's a yard it's a to say it's a yardstick is like really, really, it just came from your yard. It's misleading, yes. No, it's not a measurement device. Oh, no. Oh, I was thinking you had yourself a yardstick from, like, the one that actually is the official measuring device. That measures a yard? Yeah.

No, no, no. It's just from a yard. And I wish it was from my yard. My yard's actually pretty well kept. This is from one of the yards that I was in that wasn't very nice. Whoa, you have a yard that has zero sticks in it? No, his has nice sticks. No, I have nice ones.

I wish I could get one of those. Yeah, but he wasn't in that one. Why were you allowed to take a stick from your own yard? Well, my dad was in the military. That explains it. Yeah. So he's pretty strict. Right.

But once you're back, once you're at Hogwarts. Okay, yes. Let's get back to Castle School. Castle School. That's much better. You guys are much happier about that. Once you're in Castle School, you're there. You might have a less desirable yardstick than other people.

But isn't that just life? Yeah. But then – Well, it's giving my hand a rash. Well, then that might be an actual problem. I think so, yeah. My hand's all swelled up. And those leaves on it, when the dining hall is closed, that's all you have to eat.

Yeah. And it's hurting my stomach a lot. Maybe it's the leaves that you're eating that's giving you a rash on your hand. I don't think so, because I've got the rash all over, too. I think there's... Zoe! Yeah? When you say, now it's the feets turn

sure isn't that also sort of like a mantra for women in Hollywood these days yes now it's the

feets turn for so long women has been the feets and and men has been the hands and the head right

but when you do your back flips yeah you're saying yeah now the feets are on top now the feets are on top. Feets are on top, baby. Alternating with the hands.

Alternating. You still have to alternate. And that is just life. Because gravity exists. Equality exists. And yeah, it is this new experience for women. Now the feets is on top. Yes.

Now it's the feats turn. Speaking of gravity, have you guys watched Cosmos? No, I actually haven't seen Cosmos, and I know that's an unpopular position. The star is this alien who's from space, and he's telling us all about space that he comes from. But he looks like a human, right? No. No, no, no, no, no. I'm almost going to say don't watch.

He looks extremely weird. If you are expecting a human, good luck sleeping after you see what's really on it. And I'm almost saying don't even look at it. But what if I want knowledge about the outer space, the cosmos area? Ask Hayes. Hayes. Well, then I guess just be listening and turn your brightness all the way down.

Or put like a piece of paper over the TV. Over your eyes, yes. Or over my eyes. But I'm sorry. We were talking about women in Hollywood. I just... No, no, no, I'm used to the conversation turning to women in Hollywood and then turning away from it just sort of organically. Oh, and it can be uncomfortable sometimes to talk about women in Hollywood because we

are getting kind of a nasty surprise in a way. getting kind of a nasty surprise in a way. People who were married to the old models and who didn't want things to change. Yes. And let's face it, women are funny. We've known that. They can be funny, and we've known that for quite some time. Yes.

But the real surprise, I think, that we found on TV and movies is women can be quirky. That's right. That's what's really going on. We've actually— Speak on that. People are confused. People are saying, oh, we didn't think women were funny. We didn't know women were funny.

That's actually a myth. We've known for a long, long time, since the beginning of time, that women were funny. That's actually a myth. We've known for a long, long time. Since the beginning of time that women are funny. Since Bridesmaids. Well, even before Bridesmaids. Did you see Bridesmaids? Yeah, I did see Bridesmaids. I really like that movie.

But, you know, right around that time, what we started finding was that we knew women could be funny while they looked pretty. Yes. was that we knew women could be funny while they looked pretty. You know, we knew women could be funny if their hair was done and they had beautifully done makeup and that they were, you know, at their target goal weight. We know that. But now we know, we're starting to know that women are actually can be offbeat, quirky, funny without any, you know, of that extra, that sort of facade. And are you like to do that sometimes? Sure, yeah.

What are some kinds of ways you, and you do that? some kinds of ways you what and you do that um i like to i like to uh i like to not wear high heels not wear the so wonder bra and not wear the hair. Zoe, no wig? No wig. And you're still doing comedy. And I go out and I do comedy. People don't like it at first. People are like, oh, my eyes. Oh, I can't even look at the woman.

Yeah, they're watching Cosmos. Right. They're covering up their eyes because they think it's Cosmos. And I'm like, Cosmos is over. Now it's me. It's me doing comedy. And they're like, okay, I'm going to open my eyes. And eyes and then they're like oh this is so unappealing to look at and i'm angry at you i'm angry at you for not making yourself into the thing that i want to look at and then throwing

wonder bras your way yeah i'm throwing them on to stage i'm being i'm being just clocked in the head with wonder bras, with lipstick tubes. With wigs. With wigs. And I'm saying, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just give me another minute. Which is very scary. If somebody throws a wig on stage, it could look like a hairy octopus.

And I've been very scared by that before. Me too. Yes. I've had that happen. And then I have to remember and i also think that if there was a hairy octopus that existed which there i'm sure is well there's parts of the ocean that yeah we don't even it's we don't even know we've only seen one percent of the ocean one tiny part of the one percent of the ocean and this is math right and we've only and we've only ever seen

one percent of it and we can't even get boats into big parts of it because they're pretty sure there could be sea monsters and there is it's so and sometimes it's and when it's so deep there can be no light right so you wouldn't even be able to see what was down there if you were there. There's no light. Because it can't travel. Nope. Light only can travel to a certain point and then it stops. And since man has been looking up. For so long.

Yes, at cosmos and that. We're not used to looking down. We didn't remember that actually we've only seen one percent of the ocean and we gotta look down at the water and even go in there down from a boat not down and and my thing and i've emailed and i've sent this email to some of the government is we should put lights on a fish and they are doing that on some of them. They're starting to do that. Here's the weird thing is that fish are so fed up with us

not knowing what's happening down there that they are already growing lights on themselves. They're like, come on, human. I have developed this light thing on my forehead over years and years so that you can see down here. I'm doing the work for you. Just like look. Just open your eyes.

And isn't that a nice metaphor for women in Hollywood? It is. We are the fish at the very, very bottom of the deepest parts of the ocean that are like, hey, I'm doing the work. Bugs on the floor. Yes. And now but you've started to grow your own lights. Yeah. And so that you can shine.

What a beautiful metaphor. And have your own, you know, TV shows. Dang, I wish I had said that, Sean. You just said a beautiful metaphor. Well, look. It's what I was thinking. It's what we were all thinking. But I'm glad that a man said it.

Yeah. It doesn't matter who said it. You're right. You look pissed off. I mean, you look really freaking pissed. Because you guys at home can't see my face right now. And you're shaking fist. Sean is observing something that's happening, which is I'm really angry.

I'm really angry. I'm being interviewed by men. I'm a woman in comedy. And they're speaking for me. You're speaking for me and you're saying things that I would like to say, but you just said them first chronologically in time. And now they've been said. them first chronologically in time and now they've been said and isn't that nice that men instead of we used to just speak for ourselves and now we are taking the time to speak for women as well

and we can speak for everyone equally and one thing i say is hey listen up listen up to these women you know and for men to finally be saying that, I think women will get hurt. Here's what these women are saying. Finally. Finally. Well, it's true. Before, you were sort of like, hey, you see these women? You see them?

Don't see them and don't listen to them. And now you're going, hey, you see these women? Just see them. Look at them and pay attention to them. Maybe listen to them because they also have legitimate things to express so is it very funny to confuse the terms women's suffrage with women's suffering is that a funny joke that joke goes way back to the beginnings of women's voting abilities. And I think it was probably a joke that really went over back when women's were getting the

rights to votes. And is, okay, and speak on that. Well, back in the year that women were working on getting their own vote, the term suffrage came about. And that is a word that is derived from a Latinate word meaning to shout. Zoe, I changed my mind. Don't speak on that. Okay. So when you say that. I'll speak on whatever mind. Don't speak on that. Okay. So when you say that-

I'll speak on whatever you ask me to speak on. Because I'm still in sort of a, you know, this sort of patriarchal operating system. You're still growing your fish life. Yeah, yeah. I'm a young fish. Zoe, you likes to do a play. Oh, yeah. I'm a young fish. Zoe, you like to do a play. Oh, yeah. The theater.

People who are listening to the show, it would be helpful if you could sort of explain what that is. What a play is. Because they hear that and they think like. It's like a pun, like a play on words. Well, they think of it as like a game where they're like poking something that's dead. Sure. You know, like, oh, this is play?

Like child's play. Yes. This is, I'm play. I am play. I poke the big bug. I poke the bug and that's a play. Yes. That's, I'm play. I am play. I poke the big bug. I poke the bug and that's a play. Yes, that's, I'm play. Well, that's, yes.

For a lot of, unfortunately for a lot of the country, that is a play. Unfortunately, that is so. But at least they're doing something. But what does, when it's you're doing it, what do you mean? When it's you're doing it, what do you mean? Classically, play is meant to represent when humans are live, in person, acting out a story. And they do this, maybe, in some of that circus you talked about before. Sure. New York.

Yes, they absolutely do. I mean, that is the headquarters of play. That's where most play happens. And it's not in Washington, D.C. No, no. I mean, they have play there, but that's more political plays. Yes, yes. I'm talking about drama, dramatic play.

Mm-hmm. Plays. And you like some of them. Sure. And what are they? What kind of plays do I like? Mm-hmm. Oh.

I like some Shakespeare's plays. I just want to get ahead of this. You want to go ahead and explain this? No. When you mention his name, Sean has some opinions on this that are not necessarily the kind of things that we want to do on the show. Okay, if you don't we want to do on the show. And so before you even get started. Okay, if you don't really want to know the truth about it. Before you even get started.

But this plays in exactly to what we're talking about. Because Queen Elizabeth wrote those plays and had to publish it under a man's name. And we know that he didn't. And if you've's name. And we know that he didn't. And if you've seen Anonymous, we know that he didn't write it. Right. And so in order for people to buy the plays and see them and watch the tickets and do and be happy and have all the laughs or cry when the people are eating the poison, they

need to have a man's name on it so that they could watch it and not be upset. And actually Shakespeare didn't do it. And so, you know, Hayes wants to say that that's not the place of the show, but it's an educational show. And I don't think this is the same as when I talk about how religion is the cause of most wars. And Hayes doesn't want to hear about that. But religion is the cause of most wars and has killed more people than any one disease. And people want to know what Ebola outbreak is. And it's like, how about the e-ligion outbreak?

Can I just stop you, Sean, from speaking? Because I'm furious again. Viewers, listeners at home. You've made Zoe furious. I'm shaking. I'm trembling with anger. Because once again, you revealed, you spoke, you were the mouthpiece for a woman

before I got a chance to do it, before another woman. Because that queen actually did write those plays. Oh, no. And you think the same stuff? Sean and I are just speaking about- This is my nightmare. We're just talking about the truth here. Oh, no.

How come, okay, if Shakespeare really wrote it, then how come we don't know where he's buried? Right. And maybe it was the queen and maybe it was this other Earl, but either way, it definitely wasn't him. What did they do? What do you think they did with his body?

Oh, you're so brainwashed by the frigging Republic craps and frigging libtards in this country that you just don't even want to ever look beyond the very surface level. Scratch the paint scratch the paint and you see that down underneath the first couple layers of paint you've got what the you've got actual wood you have the actual source material under the paint and that's what we're talking about we We're talking about how Queen Elizabeth the first. She wrote it first. She wrote it first.

She said it best and she wrote it first. Queen Elizabeth the first one to write the boy. Queen Elizabeth was the first one to do it. That's actually what the, what is it? Numbers. The demarcation is about. Yes. Queen Elizabeth was the first one to do it. That's actually what the, what is it? Numbers. The demarcation is about. Yes. Queen Elizabeth I.

Queen Elizabeth I to write the play. Queen Elizabeth II to write the play. Mm-hmm. Well, I don't think that's what it is at all. Well. But we sang about plays. Agree to misagree, friend. And don't you think that plays, we could just, plays, what's so good about them?

We want to encourage us people in this country to have cultural experiences and to experience storytelling and feelings about them. We want to relate to each other. And plays is a great way to do that. And it's inexpensive. It doesn't require any equipment. And you can get people to get into a space, get them next to the players. Getting out and actually being in a place and talking to each other and not just.

Dialoguing. Not using a text. And looking at the phone. Well, no. And not just looking at a phone. Not just looking at a phone, but watching other humans do something and going, this is my priority for the next hour is to watch these humans acting out things that maybe I do in my life. And the immediacy of live theater, you know? Yes.

Because it's- Well, there's no net. There's no net. Exactly. You're up there. It's not like movies. No, because movies you have take two. Yes.

I mean, you could do a take two. You have take three, you have take four, take five, take six, take seven. Only two takes on my set, but yes. Oh, okay. Yes. And there's no net, so nobody can catch you with it. No one can try to capture you. No, you can run free.

It's not like the circus where there's a high line that people walk across where there's a net underneath. Yes, and if you fall into it, you're trapped. If you fall into it, you're trapped in a net. Yes, it's like Spider-Man's net. Yes. You're trapped, and that's the end of your career. That's what that does in the circus. Yes, and there's no dog catcher.

Right. Well, there could be a dog catcher in that particular story. He could chase you with a net. Oh, right, yes. Oh, yes, if the play's about a dog catcher in that particular story. He could chase you with a net. Oh, right. Yes. Oh, yes. If the play's about a dog catcher, sure. But that would be a prop net and I could rip that to shreds. Yeah. So you could never catch me with that.

Right. So Hayes is right. There's a lot of freedom. A real net? But a real net? Oof. I've seen you try to get out of a net. When you got caught that once. Yes, well, I'm able to dislocate my shoulder to escape from a straitjacket, and I thought that would work with a net, and what it did really was it just would really hurt very bad.

Yeah. Well, because the net is all-encompassing. Well, it's not sleeves. That's one thing I learned. It certainly isn't, unless, you know, you got a cool mesh shirt on. Yes, that is like a sleeve is a net. A mesh tank top, but extended into one that has sleeves, where you might wear it out to look cool.

But I'll tell you, I wouldn't be trying to escape out of that. No, you'd want to be. I'd be trying to make sure everybody saw me. Yeah. Now, we talked a little bit about theater and how exciting it is, the immediacy of it. I wonder if the three of us can actually do theater right now. Oh, we absolutely can. Just to show people who are listening how play happens and have the experience of seeing a play.

And put down the stick and stop poking that dead bug and you can actually come join us in this sort of, you know, circus of the mind. They used to have that where the train would be coming through town and the actors would stand on the back of the train and they would do the play for people to run behind the train and watch the show. Yeah. And so this is sort of like that. That was the very first sort of fitness initiative. And that was the first Snowpier of fitness initiative. That was the first snowpiercer as well.

Get off your asses. Yes. This is a class system. Most rich people in the front of the pack because they're also in the best shape and they're running

and they have the best view and then the poorest people who are also the fattest are the very back. They have to try and lasso the train and ride a skateboard. With a very,

that would be a very strong lasso. Yeah. Yeah, I think that this is a great idea. Okay. Well, let's do it right now. Okay, and then Zoe, will you just tell us the title of the play? Yeah, what's the name of the play?

The name of this play is Old Men with a Dog. Oh, so there might be a dog catcher in this one. Old Men with a Dog? They're all sharing it, huh? Just sounds like disparaging about all of us, but all right. We'll do it. No. Hayes, you're missing the whole point of the play.

Okay. A play never actually means anything. It's not reflecting directly. That's true. Plays don't mean anything. What's happening in real life. Well, I know that. And also.

But sometimes it's tricking me. They are meant to trick you. But... They're meant to trick you into thinking that they're about something. But we can do that. Okay. How about this?

Old men with an imaginary dog. Okay, that sounds like... Yes, that makes me feel better. Okay. And we're doing the play and the lights are on and we skip the music part. The overture? Mm-hmm. Which happens in musicals.

Yes, but we're skipping it. Or there maybe is none. Well, that's what I'm saying because we're going to skip it. Perfect. And it's skipped and then Hayes is doing the stage directions now. Yes. Somebody's knocking on a door. Let me in, Beatrice.

I'm coming, I'm coming. You've let me out in the cold for the last time. Hold on, it's just that there's no doorknob on this door. Beatrice scampers over to the door, and she's wearing oven mitts, and there's no doorknob, so she's having a heck of a time opening this door. Just go out and turn the knob. My arms are full. Just one second.

I have to get my mitt in through the hole where the doorknob was. My arms are full of these honeycombs that I've brought home. Oh, no. They forgot to get all the bees out. Oh, no. Oh, no. Your brought home. Oh no, they forgot to get all the bees out. Oh no, oh no, your bee allergy. Oh look, I got the door open. Beatrice picks the lock with an oven mitt and the door swings open the other way

with a sharp kick from Oscar and Beatrice explodes across the room with the force of the door. Oh, oh. Sorry to send you flying like that. And Beatrice explodes across the room with the force of the door. Oh! Oh! Sorry to send you flying like that. I was just lying about those bees and that honeycomb. My big caboose was sent right over my head, my feet up over my head, and I did a flip.

But now I'm back on my feet. Thank heavens. Well, it was a good cushioning that caboose when you hit the floor. The rail workers told me a big piece of news about the new cemetery. Oscar lies down on the floor. They say that skellingtons are starting to rise out of the ground in the cemetery and cut people's heads off. Skellingtons are starting to rise out of the ground in the cemetery and cut people's heads off. Skellingtons? The old benefactor of the town, who's now a skeleton?

Skellingtons is rising up out of his grave and murdering people? Yes, Roderick Skellington, the founder of the old brass factory, has now become a skeleton. Ah! Ah! One of your bees stung me in the caboose. Sorry about your caboose. Beatrice runs outside and does three very fast laps around the house. Anyway, I'm sorry I told you I was just kidding about those bees and that I made it up They're real and I'm sorry I had to sting you

Now, I was telling a lie about that skeleton But except unless it wasn't a lie because it's what the rail workers really said So you're having doubts about the truthfulness of the rail workers, but you also think that it could be true. Oh, look, our rebellious son's home. Oh. Scooter, the rebellious son of Beatrice and Oscar, rides a BMX into the room. Scooter, I told you not to track that contraption in here. And I told you you could track that contraption in here.

And I told you you could kiss my grats, Grandma. Whoa, whoa. I'm not your grandmother. I'm your mother. I gave birth to you through my own, my very own loins. Hey, if you want to get into labels, go to the soup factory. I will be going there on Monday for my shift at work. Okay. Scooter feeds his bike dinner like it's an imaginary dog from the title.

Come on, eat it with your tire. Come on, bike, eat it with your tire. Scooter, you know that there's a famine on. Get off my back, Aunt Grandma. From the railroad workers. And they're only enough to go for the next month if we each have a quarter per day. Suddenly, an army of Chinese railroad workers appears over the horizon. They look extremely hungry. Oh, no.

The railroad workers. They're coming for us. They know that we stole the potatoes. It was only a bucket. It was one bucket of potatoes. Oh, no. They're very... They're almost stereotypically Native American-derived in their...

their singing, which is even more terrifying. I'm here! Hello, General. General Bill? Are you just passing through the burg, the neighborhood, the tiny village? Yup. Well, it's good to see you. General Bill walks into the house and trips over Oscar, who is still lying on the floor, defeating him.

Ow! Haha, we set a trap for you, General Bill. My husband, Oscar, is a genius. Yes, Beatrice, this was good what happened. And so that's the end of the play. And that's really it. And you see how the imaginary dog, Oscar sounded old and General Bill sounded old. Those were the two old men.

Those were the two old men. And the bike was the imaginary dog. But really the star of the play was Beatrice in my mind. Yes, thank you. That's what it's meant to be. And what you don't maybe pick up on because perhaps the play fails there is that Beatrice actually holds a flame for both Oscar and General

Bill. And I think the play does fail. I actually did get that. Oh, okay. I actually did get that she had the big hots for all of them. But you were reading the stage directions and it was there in italics. Well, it's in the line readings. Right, which we don't

actually say out loud. That's part of the play. Under Beat it's in the line readings. Right, which we don't actually say out loud. That's part of the play. Under Beatrice's lines it says, Randall-y. Randall-y. And I hope you got that from my performance, but that also could have been a failure on my part. I don't know if it's you, but I do think the play was very bad.

What didn't you like about it? I guess I didn't like all those Chinese guys. You didn't like them because you thought they were bad guys? Or you didn't like that they were in the play? I thought they were being mean guys. And I think that's for a different play. I mean, if I hear imaginary dog, I'm here to have fun.

And I think feeding food to a bike, that's fun. Right. And the fact that the food then came from these guys who, they have every right to be Chinese, but at the same time, do they need to then ruin the play with meanness? Well, that's a great conversation, actually. I'd love to talk about that. Because when they were defeated, I thought that was another example of fun. When you see meanness in your life, and then the meanness is defeated.

Can I just point out that this is the purpose of the play, is to incite conversation and reaction and anti-reaction and common ground and uncommon ground. And we want that. So maybe you actually did like the Chinese guys. Wow. I guess I like that they made me think. Yes, yes. And is it possible that maybe they remind you of someone in your life?

Like does the sound of their footsteps, does it remind you a little bit of my mailman? Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's all personal. It all can be related back to your life. And I guess everybody has a mailman. Yeah. In this country, we're lucky enough to all have a mailman or woman.

And does it think about you being hungry? Yeah. Do you want to be fed like a scooter dog? The leftover potatoes stolen from the Chinese railroad workers. Not right now, no, but there was a time where, yeah, I wish every day I would wait by the door for the mailman to bring, you know, some potatoes or a turkey dinner. Mm-hmm.

And he didn't. No, because that's not his job. He was bringing the mail. Right. Well, it was always paper and stuff, yeah. Mm-hmm. You could look in the paper, though, and find coupons for a deal on potatoes or a turkey dinner. But anyway, it was, and we figured out that it was a good play.

I think that was the consensus that we all agreed on. And I think that you should like the facebook page rate us on itunes subscribe on itunes write a nice review get on the forums talk to us on the forums go all over the internet and and email your uh aunts and uncles and tell them to start listening to the show we we really want to people to hear it and and learn from plays like this i I know I learned a lot, and Shakespeare didn't write his own work. And so I think, did anyone buy the pro version? Yes, Anastasia Vigo. Anastasia Vigo bought the pro version. And as her prize, Zoe Jarman is going to write a play about,

just the title of a play that's about her. What's her name? Anastasia Vigo, or Anastasia maybe. play about just the title of a play that's about her. What's her name? Anastasia Vigo or Anastasia maybe. Anastasia's Dream Life in a Country House. Oh, wow. Okay.

So all these titles that you've come up with are kind of boring. Bye! Bye! Hollywood Handbook. This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com.

Earwolf Radioio.com The wolf dead. That was a HeadGum Podcast.