Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Christmas Deadlines, Kids Having Sex & Grandparent Problems S2E14

Episode Date: December 11, 2023

Heads and hearts are low at the moment. Everyone feeling particularly helpless while we just watch on as the devastation unfolds in Gaza. Very hard to feel like celebrating anything, never mind Christmas. In today's episode we talk about getting there for the sake of our children. Christmas magic is essential for them but so hard to conjure. Reminding them that there is always some light is flipping hard and not helped by the deadlines of the year.Question 1- What do you do when your toilet training has been a total disaster. Christmas is just around the corner and your child keeps ruining their clothes, carpets and bed!! When toilet training isn’t working and is actually causing turmoil, is it okay to shelve it and start again at a later date? Question 2- While scrolling through her daughter's phone this mum finds out that her daughter has started having sex with her boyfriend. While reaching out to us for advice is the scariest question we’ve ever received our advice is unanimous. It’s time to mom up, your personal feelings need to be put to one side and you need to be there for your young woman. Question 3- Favouring one child over the other, carving out more time for some grandchildren than others? The emotional impact this leaves on our lives is sometimes too hard to bare. In this episode we try our best to help this mum navigate the emotionally exclusionary situation she finds herself in. If you have any parenting questions please email them over to [e-mail]. Or follow us on Instagram. Pop on over to Patreon to hear the extra mail about a dad struggling to get his son to love sport. Jarlath Regan | creating Irishman Abroad Podcasts | Patreon

Hello there, it's honey you're in your kid, the parenting podcast from the Irishmanabroad podcast network and coming up on the show today we hear from one parent whose toilet training hasn't quite completed when they wanted it to complete. We hear from a father who's a little bit worried about his son's desire to play sport oh my god we've all been there and what was the other one tina uh well we hear oh there was a tricky one about like uh teenagers called having sex what yeah how did i forget this one because i don't know if the sports one is in and grandparent favoritism maybe we're talking about the sports one in patreon oh okay yeah head over to patreon of course if you would like to hear the full Sportsman is in and Grandparent Favouritism. Maybe we're talking about the sportsman in Patreon. Oh, OK.

Yeah. Head over to Patreon, of course, if you would like to hear the full extra cut of each episode. We are in season two of Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, and there's so much more content over there for you to enjoy. But this is our penultimate episode before Christmas. We want to hear your Christmas nightmare stories so that we all feel a little more human about this very difficult challenge

that you're heading into as a parent. How crazy it all gets. How badly wrong has it gone for you? Let us know. We'll never reveal anyone's identity on this show. Your secrets are safe with us, but we've all had some kind of moment or can remember a moment from our own childhood where you're like oh my god how did we get through that with the

kids although i do want to say hello to ann marie who i bumped into in dundrum yesterday and her two gorgeous children shout out ann marie shout out ann marie a really good friend of my one of my oldest and dearest friends nula uh popped up and said hello to me in Dundrum and it brightened my whole morning because Jarrod and Mikey had gone off to zero latency to kill zombies. And they dropped me off to Dundrum and I was so happy with myself. And then nothing was open. Thank God for pennies. So it was really nice to bump into Anne-Marie. Thanks for saying hello.

Lads, when you guys come up and say hello to tina it is the funniest thing to me it is absolutely hilarious right now i'm like stop talking our response is what why why shay response no gerald is talking about a woman at one of your shows recently who came up to say she was a big fan of the podcast and i got so embarrassed i was like really i don't handle it well but thank you i do appreciate when people do that but it was lovely to bump into ann marie i haven't seen her in ages your emails have been flying into honey you're ruining our kid at gmail.com team has been dealing with them all of course i don't have the expertise she's the one with 20 years of experience in the field of child behaviour, severe behavioural issues and early intervention with specific focus on language. I mean, a lot of what we're going to

talk about today is about this looming deadline that we all give ourselves of, oh, I've got to have it done by Christmas. I mean, I always maintain that maturity is recognising that it's not going to get done by Christmas. I mean I always maintain that maturity is recognizing that it's not going to get done by Christmas and never mind Christmas it's not going to get done by Friday it's understanding that it's all how you frame it isn't it yeah I mean it is the wider picture but look whether it's um getting your kids to stop cursing getting your kids to stop gaming as much getting your kids to use the toilet correctly and stay in their own beds.

If you've set yourself the deadline of Christmas, that's what our first question is going to be about. But we had a wild enough week. I think it's the most stressed out I've ever been. Yeah, you got super stressed out. In the last 10 years, probably. But I can understand that because Charlotte was on the Late Late Show on Friday night and it was so much fun. For people who don't know what the Late Late is, if they're listening to this around the world, it's a late night talk show in Ireland that goes out alive. Alive, yeah.

Why? That's always my question. This is the same as the deadline of christmas when you could avoid that yeah why are they doing it live because that's how it's always been done jarlett i have to say when we were there and seeing it i thought it was magic that it was live patrick guilty handles it very very well there's no sense of panic about it being live with him and I thought he puts everyone so much at ease that the minute you sat down in the chair you were completely relaxed whereas you had been the whole week going oh what's it gonna be like

yeah well you're mulling it over and tossing and turning and in your head as to what could go wrong and you know I didn't sleep yeah and i guess what was really tricky was as well we couldn't tell anyone it was really tricky as well that i was on with sonja sullivan who's the whole time so hard to be on with your best friend well she's just the whole time taking the piss out of me so i don't know what she's gonna do when she's up there yeah we were like yes and you remember that thing and she goes no and i'm like you said that to me but it's so funny because the researchers will ring you and they'll go through all the questions and everything and they obviously did that with sonja

too and then on the night she just talked about whatever came up in her head but wasn't that brilliant it's great fun uh thank you so much for all the lovely messages around it. We then, as Tina said, went into the belly of the beast, which is Dundrum town centre. I mean, I didn't feel the panic descending, the Christmas panic descending. It felt very luxurious in that people weren't amped up in there it seemed very relaxed i can't get myself to get excited about christmas this year there's just too much going on i have no presents bought

and i'm like fuck it there is worse no one's getting any presents like honestly i can't bring myself to do it i'm like i'm looking at these videos of all these babies gorgeous babies and children having this awful existence. And I can't bring myself to wrap presents and put them under the tree. I know I'm going to have to get there because I'm a mom and we have responsibilities at Christmas. Sorry, my braces are really bad. That's all the more reason to hold your kids tight. Yeah, people keep saying that, but I can't get my head there yet.

Like yesterday, twice in the morning i just broke down yeah because it's just so much it's like i just feel really let down by the people in power at the moment well there's very little it seems being done and very little it seems that can be done but you can donate to unicef which is what we recommend people do we'll put the link in the info it seems like the smartest move if you have a bit of spare cash uh to head over to unicef and make a donation but is the aid getting in uh look we don't know and all those people and unicef and the united nations are risking their lives like i mean it's just it just feels really hard to feel christmassy at the moment because you just think i can't just pretend this other stuff isn't going on you know you know

what we're talking about there's empathy right and i always think that with you tina yeah and probably there's people that can relate to this that you probably have people in your life who don't have massive amounts of empathy who don't watch john lewis ads and break down and that you're the other end of that spectrum where it's like you take on other people's pain uh now there'll be people rolling their eyes during this segment of the show going look like god i celebrate christmas yeah whatever's happening in the world and just because this one's on the table i can't bring myself to understand that well i know those there there is a happy medium to be found yeah oh look i have to get there you have to i have to because i have responsibility sorry i can't talk at all this morning i have a responsibility as a mother to make it special for the kids but um the children but honestly

yeah it's so tough it's very tough at the moment i'm finding my head is very low my heart you know who i mean what do you do what do you do for that i mean i think that uh today's episode is about that sense of oh god christmas is so close how can i get this done or how can i get to that place of it being special and happy for my kids i guess it's getting to a place of gratefulness yeah gratitude for what you have and where you are well the whole idea of, You're In Your Kid has always been to make you feel less alone. And if you can identify with what Tina's feeling there, let us know or don't let us know. We just want you to know that we're all in this together. And we've got three absolute belters of questions.

Thank you so much for submitting them. Let's get to it. Hey, Tina and Jar jar absolutely love the show really quick email because i'm really concerned we planned on having our child toilet trained in time for christmas for all the visits for all the craziness and now it's not going to happen am i right to leave it until the new year or should we persevere as you always say i really need to know because this is causing quite a bit of friction and conflict in our household and i just want to do what's right and least traumatic for our entire family keep up the

great work anonymous now brief into the point but a question i think that affects loads of people whether they're toilet training or not yeah they've got plans that need done need to be done by christmas well it's unfortunate isn't it that it hasn't worked out and my number one thing when about to toilet train your child is you got to make sure you're all ready for what's about to happen so you can fully commit to it. Yeah. Because it needs time together with no interruptions. It needs to be completely. You need to.

What is it? Prepare the environment and the circumstances so that the child has a chance to be successful in this. Now, it hasn't worked out. And Christmas is on the way and you're probably going to have a million different trips and relations and stays in other people's houses and look you're looking at me and I never give this advice because I'm so strict about toilet training but if it's causing this much stress and upsetment in the house i would say you gotta stop just stop it and come back to it in january when things have calmed down and you're stuck in your house anyway because none of us have any money it's tough for you because you haven't met the child like i get that yeah this is the

thing that i always feel worse for tina because you know your job is where you go and meet the kid and you get to see the people observe what's going on and you get to find out things like well did she throw out all the nappies have uh how has the training been going like how close or how far away are they but i i think based on what we've heard here, having not seen all of that, this seems like the right call because December is nearly worse than the actual... It's also a very cold time of year to toiletry on your child. They're going to have wets and it's freezing and they're going to be cold. I mean, we would always say spring or summer if you're going to do it. But like, I mean, you're right.

Like if I was able to go to that person's house and observe that child for even an hour i'd be able to say to the mom based on their personality keep going or it's too early they're not ready because they're also individual and some of them are just messers you know and like it's so funny when you do take the time to sit down and watch a child, which is something I think is really beautiful about Montessori education and Montessori approach is that all the way from like zero to 18 years. Maria Montessori always said that the directoress, who was what we call a teacher, needs to take at least an hour a week where she sits in her classroom and just watches all the kids because that's the only way you get to know them and as parents we forget to do it too sometimes you sit back and observe your child like what are they getting up to in those moments where they're by themselves you know when they're

thinking no one's watching because that's when you'll understand who they are as a little person underneath it's very hard though isn't it to to get that time find the time yeah but then you know that's baby monitor that's yeah i was just thinking like how many amazing videos have you seen of kids you know climbing out their cots or having chats or having chats and doing all this talking to themselves and i think no one's watching i mean it is so special and so important really if you have the time but you're right. It's really tricky for me when I don't know the kid. But I do think with Christmas on the way, she's already saying it's for, I don't know if it's her dad or her mom, but they're already saying it's really stressful. It's causing a lot of angst in the house. That's too much pressure on that kit i mean they're already really stressed out about santa and you know how i feel about elf on the shelf but a lot of people have elves in their house now and i just think oh my god to me like i'm not judging abnormal as in it's not the normal run i get that we all like i was afraid of

robins growing up because my mother had convinced me that the robins were coming and reporting back to santa and i was like fuck these birds like so annoying flying rats i really hated them i was like yeah caught again but like i feel like the elf brings a really stress into the house and like i say it's it's none of it is an actual replication of what the year is going to be yeah it's this bizarre little window it is where inanimate objects are watching you yeah and uh parents are making fake phone calls fake phone calls god it's so awful i mean i mean now whoever is listening in if you've got elf in your house i'm not judging you for that and you can't get rid of him because you brought him in now you're stuck with him so if you have no elf in your house, I'm not judging you for that. And you can't get rid of him because you brought him in. Now you're stuck with him.

So if you have no Elf in your house, do not do it. Because that thing is a nightmare. But if you have it, there's nothing I can do to help you. You made that decision. So what I was saying at the top of the show was that a Christmas deadline, whether it's for your own weight loss or fitness or uh money or like i just think it's so counterproductive and so unfair on yourself and your family yeah that you know i'm always like big on new year's resolutions beginning in december and

preparing the soil and how you can go right well if i'm going to do that i want to have that planner and the book and everything all lined up and ready to go so that on january 1st it isn't a case of with a hangover when it comes to our kids though tina and i wanted to ask you this that thing of family meeting here are the rules yes but are we better off to just go right family meeting in december but have a kind of a leniency throughout christmas so that you're not having these absolute flaming rows over them look even parents who have the most easygoing obedient kids will have a tricky december we all lose them because it's a maddening time

and we spend our january trying to get them back because they get they get praised and gifted and rewarded for all kinds of behaviors in december because we're all trying to get them back because they get they get praised and gifted and rewarded for all kinds of behaviors in December because we're all trying to survive it I wouldn't like I mean if you feel like a family meeting works in December that's fine but really for me I think it's more about informing them in December get those visual schedules up on the fridge make sure they know what's happening on each day get it very clear in their head which relatives are visiting what's expected of them in those houses so that they can at least relax about those things nothing's thrown upon them because i we used to do it actually when

mikey was tiny because we had so we were traveling on from england and we had so many places we had to be and really i think we were putting that on ourselves that stress and like he would be Santa would have come he'd have been having a great time we'd be like I'm sorry Maggie we gotta go now we gotta like we'd root him away from his toys bring him down and we'd have forgotten to even tell him that we were gonna do that like and and I think that we learned through that there's an unfairness there you can't just expect them on christmas when everything comes to them to be okay with having to leave their stuff and go to other people's houses and stuff but then these kids

are crazy during this month now i know you're making a case for why that's understandable yeah like they read a lot of them i'm speaking speaking behalf of the parents that are going yeah that's great but these lads that they know doesn't matter what i do or how much i try they go bananas through this month and it's hard to even get them to bed. It's hard to get them in the car to go somewhere. It's all entitlement. There's a lot of entitlement, yeah. Now, I've watched you do this with the calendar,

where it's literally one of these whiteboards with the days of the week marked out on them. I've watched it with it and without it. And definitely definitely this is the actualization of here's what's expected of you writing it in on each day that this is going to happen yeah it helps but what do you say to the parent that has very little hope or faith that their kid is going to behave this this holiday season well i i really do believe what i just said like if you arm them with information and what's expected of them at

least you've given them something but if they're flying blind you really can't blame them like if you keep them informed of what the timetable is and what's expected of them, at least there's something. And of course you need to come in with, I mean, I'm saying things go a bit batshit at Christmas, but that doesn't mean you still can't discipline your child or have rules and demand respect. I mean, they shouldn't, it shouldn't get so crazy is what I'm saying, but it's, I can't say the word, inevitable.

Inevitable, yeah. That there's going to be tantrums, there's going to be meltdowns because there's just too many emotions. It is so hard for them to take in. And even if you haven't threatened them with Santa not coming, somebody has. It's out there in the atmosphere. Their teacher probably has, yeah. Yeah, I've seen teachers do it all the time teachers making fake phone calls at school and stuff i mean they are stressed out and we've forgotten what that

stress is like so to finish this this parent gets in touch to say the toilet training hasn't gone to plan yeah we're not where we need to be um to get that back on track to to pick the date like she's obviously worried that yeah now that we've tried does it make the second effort even harder and this is one of the most common questions we've had on the show it is it is going to make the second effort much harder and you're going to have to be really strict about the next time you do it you're going to have to make sure you have the time and space you need to give it to it and you got to be ready for the wet so do you call it do you in terms of arming your kid with that information do you say that was our trial run this is the real deal don't say that don't not you don't say anything no what do you say then? Asylums. No, you just don't talk about it.

What do you mean? Well, unless the kid brings it up, don't talk about it because you don't want them to feel like a failure. And you don't want them to feel like it's a big deal. Oh, you mean you don't reference the previous attempt. Yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah. Okay.

I thought you said it now. Just like, don't say a word. Just take all their nappies, throw them in the bin. Start putting them away. Oh, no. No, no, no. You're saying forget the past. Forget it ever happened. don't say a word just take all their nappies throw them in the bin start putting them oh no you're saying forget the past yeah and when you go to do it again their memories are so poor yeah well they might remember but they probably won't and when you go to do it again just be like these are your new pants it's so exciting the nappies are gone you know yeah it's all about it being a

big deal fresh start like you know that if this was me in the email christmas or not i'd be like we started toilet training that's it we're finishing it and i do feel like sometimes people forget your child is gonna have accidents you're still dealing with a toddler yes there might be that yeah but it is also causing them stress it's a really cold time of year to start toilet training it sounds like she's just looking for somebody to say it's okay and it is okay well you've got to think about your own family and what's happening the other thing is and i'm definitely in danger of doing this is that you impose your mentality on your child yeah that you think uh even i did it just there for

like is the kid gonna go this again the? The kid isn't going to do that. Their concept of time is so short. Everything's so fresh. They may not even remember November in January. And especially if you do it your way, where it's like brand new pants, whole fresh start. Super exciting. Fresh bedclothes. Happy's are gone now.

Here we go. Christmas decorations are down. We're doing this now. And it's exciting and this is always tina's superpower is her ability to game show host this thing that this is a brilliant thing that you're doing and not now we're going to try this again i used to love doing that because i obviously i'm human and in school sometimes we had two collections in my last school and sometimes parents would come half two and often I would line the wrong children up to go home which is

terrible so they're all excited to see their parents and some of them would go and some of them would be left and I'd look at the roll call and I'd be like shit they're here till half three and I'd be like amazing news you guys get to stay longer with us today and then they like yeah and they march off and they're happy and the other teachers will be looking at me like because like they could have been could have been devastation could have been devastation i'm really sorry but your mom yeah their fate your favorite person in the world is not here yeah yeah it's all about amazing news that's that's a game-changing tip i do that to you all the time i did the one finger weight there to tina which is maybe the best way

to get punched as a husband yeah the one finger weight while i'm doing something on my laptop or while i'm on the phone phone in hand one finger up i mean yeah and i was telling you some big news i was saying the brock is great brock is great was what tina was trying to tell me while i was trying to hit record which is vital parenting news there uh i think what i've just hit on there is vital as well best way for your husband to get smacked uh one is this oh god get her it's a brave man even now i can see it's triggering her yeah get a brave man or you know what i do is the uh uh like fingers that you do where you're doing magic oh like you're playing invisible piano when tina my hand out to get something off you know i do that oh god i don't know why i will

not pass that makes fly she flies into a red mist really a red mist and i mean there's no getting her back she's mad for the day oh my god what are you talking about shut up i wish i was saying mad at you i forget five minutes later what was yeah i do maintain that's one of the reasons this relationship has lasted is that tina has a memory issue she never remembers short-term memories and you did hit on the thing there really quick about the game show hosting which we haven't talked about in a while that you know with very tiny kids whatever it is that you need them to do if the tone that you take is a little more happy how do we say bosco uh barney

big time they will tend to go with it. They will do it. Big time. And you've lived this. Yes. This has been your job. It's why early years teachers are always tired because they spend their whole day at school going, let's go. Let's do it.

Come on, everybody. Let's clean it up. Yeah. Clean up time. Clean it up. And we'll put on some music while we're doing it it's a fun time rather than going you lot have made a terrible mess now everyone get your work boots on i know i'm glad it has changed because i'm pretty sure that's how we were spoken to

of course yeah now it's like you're trying your best i can see that let's try a bit harder everybody i know it's so cute though they're so dumb you can no no don't say that you can only get away with that though when they're tiny like then all of a sudden they're fine they're not dumb the whole point is these kids are out waitingitting us at every turn. But when it comes to game show host mode, they are thick. Oh my God, Charlotte. Tina, they're so easily led if you lead with the right energy. That's why it's terrifying when people take advantage of kids because it's so easy to do. It's awful.

I don't think kids are thick i think they're cunning as fuck yeah but that game show has only last for a while when they're five or six then they're rolling their eyes at you like look at this eejit well that's what our next question is about oh no i'm so excited about this question about the dad who can't get his son to be passionate about sport that's in the patreon section if you're listening on patreon that's a you're gonna love this question because i'm so in it i've been coaching mikey and his team at basketball oh my god it's so funny all the moms think charlotte's amazing stop that can't go in the episode why not they don't think i'm

amazing they do they were like he's so inspirational and i'm just rolling my eyes i'm like he thinks he's american okay you read out the next question let's get to it it's question number two uh thank you guys as always for downloading the show here we go so it says hey tina and jarlett i've got the mother of all questions for you what do you do if you go through your 17 year old's phone and find out they're having sex with their boyfriend uh get sick we need a record scratch there like a record i'd be like what my baby um 17 yeah i mean that's pretty old by my standard so i nearly had a heart attack there i was like what how do i tell my husband her dad will go bananas would you take the phone i don't think that's the biggest punishment or give a punishment

i was just thinking as i said that i don't think you can punish this either or add some restrictions yeah i'd start there maybe i don't know what would you do any help would be so appreciated first of all sometimes when people email the show i'm like it's too much that's too much responsibility what are you asking i don't know i don't know um look my my motherly thing is to go oh my god protect protect protect but the realistic thing is to go, oh, my God, protect, protect, protect. But the realistic thing is you've got to respect. Is this a boy or a girl? It's a girl.

You've got to respect her decisions, her independence, her bodily autonomy. And you've just got to hope that you're able to sit down with her and say, look, I know you're started to have sex with your boyfriend. I just need to make sure you're being safe. Right. Yeah. Okay. That's your unemotional answer. Yeah.

Right. My emotion, my honest reaction would be to cry, though. Maybe vomit. Cry for a while. Get that out of your system. Yeah. Mikey did have a big milestone today and you cried like a babook. I did.

For sure. This is a huge milestone. It is and I guess this mom would also be sad that she didn't know. Is it any of her business? She's 17. It's still her business. It just is. That's legal age right? What? Is it really? Am I just old now? Is it it really legal i think you might be old i just i think i might be too uh i don't know what to say here i think chickadee check it google it google it you wrong i think that uh look she'll lose her daughter if she doesn't show her respect here. And all she can do is help her, you know, be informed, make good decisions, make sure she's using protection and that she's on the pill. 17 is the legal age in Ireland.

Fucking hell. Yeah. But Mikey's going to be 17 in four years. Here's the thing. We haven't covered it all here is. Who is it with? It's said her boyfriend. Right.

So how old is he? I don't know. Well, this is the thing. It's like the first question is who is it with it said her boyfriend right so how old is he i don't know well this is the thing it's like the first question is who yeah right because he's a well it's a rent protection you just don't want her to be taken advantage of yeah uh but she's of legal age she's allowed to make this choice you know you get sick or not it's yeah you know this is uh when i joked at the start that that's quite old it actually is what by modern standards oh my god kids are having sex a lot younger than that really yeah i think it's just because i'm a mother with a teenager and i'm like raised very conservative catholic house yes right true. Still ashamed of my body. We grossed out.

Yeah, grossed out by your own body. I know. Like I'm so disgusting. Oh, gross. Why would anybody? It drives you mad. Yeah, why wouldn't it? Because I feel the opposite way

about your body. And I'm like, shut up, Charlie. My body's disgusting. Get out of here. Nobody thinks that. Don't take the piss out of me. I'm faking a compliment on her body.

You, I do not appreciate the piss taken out of me. Like, this is how I feel. Shut up. This is most Irish women as far as I'm concerned of that generation because it is a generational thing. Yeah. This mom's daughter has had sex at the legal age of consent. Yeah.

Your concern is, has she made the right choice? Yeah. Has she been pressured into it? Yeah. Is she being careful? And can she come to you if something goes wrong yeah well she hasn't that would be the heartbreakening for me i would hope to have a relationship where my kid like i would have to fake it because like in my heart i'd be just trying to keep them as a baby the whole time

but i'd have to pretend i was cool with it for their sake and i would love to have know that they would talk to me about it and we could be you know open about it very rare and then i would cry a lot very rare yeah well it's not gonna happen very rare and anyone listening to this is expecting that i mean you're really looking for you know ultra cool parent status that even if they do come to you you put a foot wrong yeah and they're like fuck that i'm never talking to you about this i really feel like when we used to watch meet the falkers i thought your man ben stiller was like totally over the top about how he was the opposite to

his parents but now that we have a kid and i've tried to be like the open mom let's talk about everything honestly ben stiller's character in that film is the most realistic version of what happens when you're really open and honest with your child. They do not want to talk about anything. Like, I should have gone the other way. It's so hard to get it right. Yeah, because then he would have been thrusting it in our face. Wake up, Mom.

Wake up. Oh, God. Yeah, you know what you're right so what's the question your kids had sex at the legal age she wants to know how to punish them take their phone and stuff and you'd have to say you can't all these feelings and reactions you've had to seeing these texts we don't know what it might how you might feel but you definitely can't take the attitude of you've done something wrong lady yeah you're in big trouble you can't in this house that's not allowed no you can't do that i mean you're really headed down a very dangerous path there because by law like the law of the land says why he has not done anything wrong yeah and what if you you're like you you're quite your answer was you gotta hope that you have had faith in yourself to raise

them to a point where they can make this decision yeah well and whether you have or not the decision has been made yes and now you have to support them. You can't have the genie back in the bottle. No, you have to go to support. She needs you now. You know, anything can happen. You know, it's a lot of growing up to do very fast. And let me ask you this question, right?

Because a lot of people will have aunts and uncles who maybe have um a more open relationship with the kid can you enlist the help of a relative in this situation let's say you have a cool uncle jarlet who gets on really well with your daughter or son um ideally son in this scenario if you're not comfortable talking to your kid and there's someone who is i'd absolutely outsource that job you would yeah right why not as long as somebody's giving them advice and and what if they're like they made me promise not to tell you oh no that's not fair i know no no i went the most irish she's ever gone there i know jess no just christ you can't keep it a secret from me no no especially if went the most irish she's ever gone there i know jess no just christ you can't keep me from me now no especially if the parent has trusted you to be the one who talks to him you

can't then go but i'm not allowed to tell you because that's bullshit um you know the journal that you've been um championing all season yeah head plan it's a head plan journal you walked by the yeah they're actually Irish. I didn't know that. It's an Irish journal. Because I paid a fortune for it in my mind. They've got their own, you know, shop in Dundrum there in the town centre there. But you can, of course, get them anywhere in the world.

Yeah. Like, I don't think that that's a childish book. I think that that's a really helpful thing. Well, it's mostly adults. It's just one for kids, but all the rest, there's like 20 different versions. So the rest of them are for, you know, you're planning your year. And reflection and, you know, gratitude journals. Like, do you give them one of those journals and then secretly read it on them?

Oh my God. At 17, that's a violation yeah that's what i'm suggesting like you were annoyed and i told you that i used to read your diary i mean well yeah why wouldn't i be annoyed by that but how can you you used to read my only when i was staying in your house in kildare there's nothing else to read my we haven't dwelled on this at all only when i was staying in your house in there's nothing else to read there was nothing else to read i mean i used to laugh so much reading that thing you're like that character from uh bridesmaids you're really boring bug that was my diary.

I'm sure your mother has read them too. You should have left other literature for me to read. Yeah. Because it was boring. Like that was a pretty personal book, Tina.

But you left it by the bed. Open on a page about you yeah it was a real good insight into your feelings big time

so what is the answer here you can't punish her no you can't punish her you can't take her phone you can't do that you just have to be there for her now

find it in yourself or find somebody else to help you but you cannot go to punishment so she found out through the texts I think 17's a bit old to be still reading her phone too yeah like there's a violation right

there i mean but like i think you also you say she needs her to be there for her but she can't say i know you're having sex because i read your text messages no but what she can do is like plan like a really nice girly day and start saying or watch a sexy movie and go you know what that's like right no but she could be like you know you're probably going to start having sex soon and talk about stuff like that and about consent and being careful but also not to be upset if she doesn't tell you she is having sex because that is her private information do you think you're good at this no no like what you're describing there is so hard yeah no i wouldn't be good at that i would cry the whole time I'd be like, oh my God, it sucks. So you're saying open up the conversation around it with something new. Is it like go for, you said like manicure or something?

Or go out for lunch together and, you know, talk to her about how you're at a new stage you're a young adult now be respectful to her be like i know you're going to be making choices soon you have a boyfriend i just need to know you'll be careful do you know that you need to use protection do you know that you consent is continuous throughout the whole process i mean you need to mom up in those moments you just do like punishment I'm not judging this mom but obviously her reaction has been to be heartbroken and feel betrayed and none of us know what it's like to find out stuff and we also don't know how religious this house might yeah or anything like that but you've got to go to support they don don't need to be abandoned. We can't really judge you guys for your religious beliefs.

Oh, we can. I'm joking. But your kids might not share those beliefs. No, sure. Our little guy's a man of science. It's so funny. No faith at all. It's so funny when he says that.

It's like, I'm not going to church. I'm a man of science. I'm like, Jesus. Well, I hope this is of some help. Yeah, thanks for getting in touch it's a little bit of a big question for us but uh i mean you can always get in touch with the social worker at the school too and just make sure they do more talks about consent and protection but one thing's for sure like i said to this i'd say this to this mom

look around yeah google it you will see that this is not actually that young in modern terms to do this and that in fact your daughter may have shown great maturity to wait this long and so maybe as you say mom up give her the benefit of the doubt yeah and uh and be there be there for her you got to be there for her yeah i have joked for many many years that i'm not the favorite kid in my family i have uh but i'm okay with it i i know i'm not i don't think that it's such a big deal for your parents to have a favorite kid watching the crown at the moment of course i am bloody addicted to it in a way i never thought i would because i think it's because i look at it and go jesus that

family's mad but you're shamefully addicted like you don't even mind when i sleep well you're constantly falling asleep so i don't mind anymore you fall asleep i'm gonna keep watching this i'm not gonna pretend that we're gonna slow the whole process down i'd never get to watch it otherwise so i am deep deep deep in the crown and it's clear that the queen's favorite is her pedophile son yes you love clp oh my god and he's such a dweeb, like a creep. Like, he says gross things to his ma. Yeah.

Like, that's the feckin' queen. Never mind your ma. Yeah. You can't say that. Well, even if your mother is the queen, you can't say those things. Look, I think the favourite thing is something that, like I said i joke about i'm fine with and i think everyone should be fine with on some level understanding that your parents have a different relationship with all their kids yeah but you didn't come to that yourself that was dr gabor that helped you

yes yeah and it made so much sense when we heard it. It made so much sense. We were like, oh, of course. They were different people when they had each of you. Yeah. They were going through different things. Yeah. And I don't think that that makes it right. No. I think it makes it understandable. So I want to be clear.

I'm not saying it's not a big deal as in it's not. Yeah. Guys, what's wrong with you? as in it's not, guys, what's wrong with you? I don't think you should. You should endeavor not to treat your children differently. This comes back to what we always say about how you leave the hospital with no instructions. No instruction books.

Because honestly, one of the best things I ever learned while studying to become an early years teacher was if there is a child in your class who you're not bonding with, step up you've got to make that child special, you've got to do whatever you've got to do to make sure that child feels

happy to come to school because if there's no bond there, they'll feel rejected and they'll be angry and I think the parents need to be told it's unacceptable of course some women would be for reasons beyond their control will struggle with emotions for a little while after they give birth and it's thankfully we're getting to a time where there is more help and understanding for those women but if you notice yourself being unkind or treating one of

your children differently, you have got to rectify that because you are damaging them. You're damaging them and that damage will not go away. They will need so much help. It will stay with them. And I'm talking anything from zero. it imprints upon our children we know that now so you gotta be so careful you're not allowed to have favorites in my book you're just not allowed you're saying it's understandable i think it's not okay yeah i don't i'm never saying that it's okay but i think we all need to be a bit better with the concept of a different relationship i think dr gabor's the advice was really good biggest source of conflict in every house of christmas is one rule for one another rule for the other that to me is the center of all the conflict yeah 90 percent yeah christmas

is around well why are they allowed to do that and i'm not yeah why would you speak to them this way and me this way yeah i didn't do anything different to what they did and yet this yeah well that's what our next question is all about okay the grandparents favoring oh yeah one set of grandchildren now it's quite a serious question you have have it there, Tina, in the notes. So, you know, I know that there's people that mightn't be affected by this, and there might be people who've lost their grandparents. And I will say that I know that this is a very tough time of year for you guys, and we're sending all our love to you at this difficult time.

And I know that this might be a difficult one for us to talk about. We're going to talk about it. Here we go. I have one older brother who has five kids. I have three. My mother has always favoured my brother my entire life and now is favouring his kids. And my daughter is graduating year six this year. This must be in England. Yeah.

I asked my mother to attend her graduation mass. This was her reply. Oh, I won't be able to come as I'm going out for dinner with your brother's family to celebrate the end of the school year. None of his children are having a big milestone like finishing primary school. It's just a dinner graduation from primary school only happens once whereas people can go out for dinner any night of the week is it just me or is this a pretty big slap in the face i hate to see that it's destroying my children too, as they wonder what have they done to deserve feeling that they are worthless.

Does my mother not see she plays favourites or she just purely doesn't care? This breaks my heart. How can I help my children cope with this? How can I stop myself from being resentful towards my mother i mean it's very hard a psychological question it's as much as it is a parenting question yes well i feel like the brave thing to do there that is really hard would be you actually need to say to your mom that's nice that you've arranged to go out with my brother and his kids but this is actually really important and all the other grandparents

are coming and she's expecting you to be there so you need to be really explicit i do i do but that's hard i think that's a really good shout straight off the bat tina that when we're dealing with older people yes who are very set in their ways yes the first thing that i think you need to understand is that you have your standards for what you think is acceptable right they have theirs if you want them to explicitly articulate well i am expecting yes you to see or make time for the celebration of this special day just as all the other grandparents that are available will and without that it's like when you're in hr yeah that if you are unhappy with how your boss has spoken to you you need to make a formal note of it and then go to your hr rep articulate i was unhappy with this without that you don't have a leg to stand on yeah when the shit hits the fan and i think with

the grandparents they need to be explicitly told well when are you making time for the celebration of this yeah well we say that but do we practice it ourselves because it's so no well let's be doing it and it takes courage it takes courage and that's why i said you you know if you really really want this you're gonna have to be brave and you're gonna have to say it but you know? Anytime I have done that and anytime I've heard of people doing that, it wipes away some of the stigma and some of the pent up stuff. Because bottling is what's happened here with this woman. Yeah. And it doesn't sound like her brother is an ally.

It doesn't sound like she can say to her brother, come on. sound like her brother is an ally it doesn't sound like she can say to her brother come on it's well this is the other thing is that the favorited kids don't have it don't have your experience exactly they similarly aren't uh going yeah i know what this feels like because they've only ever lived in their own shoes yeah yeah you're right but like i think so wise your shout is great. You know, use your words. Use your inside voice. Without getting angry. Yeah, you got to keep calm. And you got to just say very to the fact,

this is important. Other grandparents are coming. We're excited for you to share in this. And it'll look bad if you're not there. Yeah, that might that might work to the the suggestions there might be a degree of shame. Yeah, well, look, it will look bad. And the poor daughter, I hate when it affects the kids.

And she's right. They don't notice when they're small and then they start to notice. And I don't know what the other relationship with the grandparents is like, but if you've got two sets of grandparents and one of them is like into everything knows about everything and the other grandparents seem like they don't care the child starts to notice and it does hurt them and it hurts um like I similarly I think and I haven't done this myself uh but i do think that actually carving out some time yeah and actually insisting upon it like while it might feel like i shouldn't have to well if you really want this you gotta ask yourself do you really want this yeah and if

it's not if the effort's not coming from that side, well, then you have to make the effort yourself. There is the third way, which is to just go, fuck it. If you don't want in, that's fine. Yeah, but she does because she's asking us. She's asking that, but we're widening the lens here to other people who might be in the same situation. Yeah, you've got to be ready to put up your boundaries. And I know people that have done this who've been like for my own self-protection i am not going to push this rock up the hill anymore i've tried yeah they may have tried what we've suggested yeah you're right

got to the other side of it and been like we've been rejected over and over and over again and each one is a kick in the nuts uh that's enough is the phrase yes enough enough and you're right that is absolutely you do not have to sever any relationship yeah yeah the high road you're not saying fall out you're just saying put your boundaries in place and zip yourself up and you know, express your love for your kid. And always, I think you always have to tell your kids in this situation, because they love you. They just, they're set in their ways. These other kids are, you know, in their life more because that's a routine they're in.

You know, if you want me to set up a routine for you with them we can do that too but uh you know of course they love you i mean you think you have to keep saying that yeah yeah no no no absolutely and i just always try to be careful when we say the word boundaries because i think some people take boundaries way too far yeah but when we mean boundaries we just mean you know whatever you need to do to protect yourself maybe you do need to pull the shutters but like be careful about boundaries becoming exclusionary yeah you know yeah well like i think that that definitely is a misinterpretation that sometimes happens but other times it is what needs to happen where there's abuse

yeah there's actually like physical we understand emotional abuse emotional yeah yeah we do and we want to all want to protect our children from emotional abuse and this woman is feeling emotionally abused and i feel really sorry for him so glad she did get in touch but i really wish we could give her a definite answer but i guess if she really wants her mother to start going and be there you you've got to be brave and tell her. Or, you know, calm is the key. Drop the rope. Yeah, dropping the rope is the other option. But, like, actually, the telling is something, and the words that you use, I definitely can't. But they cause so much upsetment.

I mean, it's one of the main things I hear from my friends. Yeah, of course. The different treatment of the grandkids yeah and then and it's what causes rays of christmas too it's the kind of bald-headed bluntness oh yeah that uh you know parents will say to their children of course i have a different relationship yeah and you know even that can be hard to hear and that's why I kind of open this question with, accept that. Accept that. Like nobody can have the exact same relationship

with two people. It is hard though, as a sibling, when you're like that. It's not something you should aspire to or accept. I think that as a parent, you have to be, as you said, really, really committed

to treating your kids equally. Yeah. Thank God we've only got one. We had a really lovely chat with people after the Late Late Show on Friday who also have one child. And it's the first time we ever got to talk about how it can be so tough. But the moments of magic that come with the triangle. The appreciation, yeah.

And those people were so, they'd never got to talk about it before. And it was really lovely, actually. I mean, obviously, we would have loved more kids, but we do sometimes feel very lucky with our little triangle. I feel lucky every day. Oh, okay. Just sometimes for me just sometimes for you well that's our lot

for the free episode here on iTunes Apple Podcasts SoundCloud wherever you're listening to this why not give us a rating comment

and subscription this week it'd be absolutely brilliant to have those flying high in the charts again

and come over to Patreon of course if you'd like to hear more. If you want to support our show and what we're doing. We can't keep the podcast going without your support. Patreon.com forward slash Irishmanabroad. Tina, thanks so much for this one. Thank you, Jarrod. And honestly, over the Christmas, I will keep the emails open.

So if there is something going on in your house that you need some help with, email me and I will get back to you. That's no problem. Honey, you are ruining our kid. Gmail.com is the email address. Come on over to Patreon and hear the rest.