Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Christmas Questions, Gaming Tantrums & The Wriggler! S2E12

Episode Date: December 4, 2023

We are not alone in parenting tricky kids. With Christmas just around the corner how do you manage your kids expectations. How do you get them to follow your lead and appreciate the Christmas magic? Tina offers advice based on her 20 years of experience in early years education and Jarlath brings the funny on 3 superb listener questions. Question 1-  What do you do when you tiny little human won’t let you change their nappy. Tina helps this mum manage the changing time stress by giving her three very workable strategies to wrangle this wriggler. Question 2 - Together as parents we all know the pain that comes along with screens and screen addiction. It’s nearly impossible to avoid gaming and all the behaviours that come along with it. In this episode Tina and Jar try to empower a dad to set boundaries in his home. Question 3 - If your kid can’t stop asking ‘why’ questions? What can you do?Thank you to everyone whose been getting in touch. Email us any question to [e-mail]. Pop on over to Patreon to listen into the juicy and way too honest stuff. www.patreon.com/irishmanabroad

it's honey you're ruining our kid the parenting podcast from the irishman abroad podcast network with me jarneth regan the comedian not the brains of the operation tina is of course the brains of the operation i would never call myself that 20 years working with children with severe behavioral issues qualified in every aspect of this thing from teaching kids how to toilet train from getting your kids to stay in their own freaking beds tina has done the lot and has the qualifications on the wall hanging behind her to prove it tina thank you so much first of all for doing our podcast for creating this idea for coming up with when you're ruining our kid in the first place behind her to prove it. Tina, thank you so much, first of all, for doing our podcast, for creating this idea,

for coming up with when you're ruining our kid in the first place. We piloted this when everyone was locked down. Yeah. And Tina couldn't go into school because of her own health issues. They had gone back

and she had to stay out. And that didn't cause any resentment. No problem at all. None of the teachers held it against you. Friendships that I had didn't fade away. Yeah, people didn't start asking me. No problem at all. None of the teachers held it against you. Friendships that I had didn't fade away. Yeah, people didn't start asking me, but you don't look sick.

That didn't happen. But what I love about it is she walked in the door to me with this podcast idea. And ever since, you guys have been flooding the inbox. It has been on go loud and to the public for a year but we did it privately on patreon for a little bit of a year too so now if you're listening on patreon you'll already know this you can get access to those six bonus episodes over on patreon for the price of a pint each month get access to hundreds and hundreds of hours of bonus content our full archive of stuff and double size episodes of most of our weekly stuff an extra large episode of honey you're

ruining our kid it's good value it's good value it's good value and there's no obligation you can cancel anytime you like we're currently sitting in our freezing office freezing we always forget how cold our office is in the winter i just forget like we're wearing an electric we're sharing an electric blanket a blanket it's one of the I bet every single man listening to this

has something that he has in the house that his wife was dead set against him buying do not bring that in the house

the electric snuggle blanket was one surprisingly that Tina was like ugh oh my god old people

I was like ooh we're not that old we're not complaining today i am very grateful it's the best because we are frozen it's freezing i think you forget every year how stressful christmas is we're going to talk a little bit to start things off before we get to our amazing questions we do have three incredible questions as always have been bloody brilliant yeah we're gonna get through all three of those questions what do they cover give us a forward sell there tina i always panic immediately i'm like what do they cover well we've got a uh a dad who's trying to cope with a child who's addicted to his phone and

gaming a very rare problem yeah we've got come got, come on, Tina, Tina, Tina. The kid that won't stop asking why. Yes, we do. I love that one. That's very good remembering there. And we've also got a mom who cannot get their kid to lie down to get their nappy changed. I mean, it's all coming home to roost at Christmas time. As we mentioned last week, you probably feel the tsunami on the horizon because you haven't had this amount of time at home with your kids.

Tina's here to help keep those emails coming in. We're obviously going to put up an episode next week. There might be that might be the last one before Christmas. And I'm so excited for holidays because this uh this podcast a lot more stressful for her than me i read out the answers well i never stop answering the email yeah so the email is always open honey you are ruining our kid at gmail.com is the way to get in touch tin how do you think a parent whose kid is asking for the sun moon and stars preps them for the idea that that's probably not going to happen this year well you never need to get that honest you just have to

lead it in a certain way well you don't have to say that's not happening yeah even though that's the 80s method yeah i was doing it in the same way as in the 80s if you had mental health issues they said snap out of it yeah yeah if If you wanted something, I remember I wanted this particular football thing. It was like New Age Subutio, where the men moved up and down. If anybody can remember this, moved up and down and they spun around. Oh, my God, I wanted this thing so bad. And I was just told, about it out of your mind. Yeah, you don't have to do that.

I mean, why do that? What I always say is let allow your child to write their letter let them ask for whatever they want right but be sure to tell them you gotta add in the surprise because santa actually knows you better than you know yourself and he will pick something that maybe is off your list or maybe he just knows better the surprise is you're not getting what you want but it's just it's just leading them to think that santa's so thoughtful he actually knows what i want more than i do and you need to say like christmas letters shouldn't be more than two things this was a lot easier to

do though when kids couldn't google specifically what they want like there's we've all become so specific in our needs wants our desires our sexual kinks we've become so specific yeah so have kids that like your kid is into football. He asks for Subutio and a surprise. If you couldn't afford Subutio, you could find something in the ballpark that he didn't even know existed. But they know everything that exists and they know specifically this is the one. You've not got me the right one. Maybe we're talking about a different time here.

I know. I definitely think you forget how much power you have as a parent in terms of leading. Right. They will follow your lead. On all stuff. On all stuff. If you explain to your child how magic Santa is, and I always say, go back to the story of how St. Nicholas first arrived on the scene. Remind me of that.

Just a beautiful man who lived in a village, who loved children so much and couldn't have any with his own wife. So they started this tradition of going around on Jesus's birthday and giving little presents to the children in the village, which is just gorgeous. And then he becomes a saint and Santa is made magic and now Santa exists. And it's obviously the spirit ofanta exists and we all try and take it on but when did he start driving a truck full of coke you know santa has to do what santa has to do to sign those corporate deals because coca-cola obviously turned him into the man we

know now the red and white no that's not true right that is The Night Before Christmas. Who wrote that? Charles Dickens? Was it? I think so. The poem? Oh, you mean Clement Clark Moore. Yeah. And I haven't cut out 10 minutes of us Googling who the fuck wrote that. I can't believe that wasn't on the tip of my tongue.

I've never heard that name in my life. But you told me when I read it. We read that. Yeah, but you don't know the name of the fella. I've been reading it in my classroom. I'm not doubting that you read it but who the fuck knows who clement but you don't understand how an earlier teacher introduces books it's always the name and the author so you're always like yeah well then that is unforgivable yeah it is i don't know though about this question has come across our bows a bunch of times, right?

Prepping kids for lowering their expectations and how, you know, you're saying you can lead it. I just don't know sometimes if... Well, you've got a massive problem on your hands if you can't say to your children that, first of all, isn't it amazing... An Xbox is too much. isn't it amazing that somebody goes out of their way at Christmas time to make sure there's a Christmas present left in your house for you and whatever that is you need to be grateful for it

because it's a surprise present they don't get to you cannot allow a situation where your kids are ordering their Christmas presents that's not okay tea ball I take it on board yeah tea ball but I'm telling you I want to say my heart goes out Your kids are ordering their Christmas presents. That's not okay. T-Ball. I take it on board. Yeah, T-Ball.

But I'm telling you, I want to say my heart goes out to loads of these folks. Hmm. Because we're dealing with some of the rudest kids that have ever come down the stairs. I don't know about that. I really don't like when people say that because I've been around kids a lot. And kids are so much more easily, what's the word? Reached.

Yeah, no, what is the thing? My friend always said that my expectations were low. Easily pleased. Today. No, they are. Nowadays. Children are. Easily pleased, nowadays.

Look, if you put in the effort if there is presence at the end of their bed look unless that you've really really spoiled your children they're going to be grateful for what they get and you just lead it in the letter writing you just say a few things like okay we're writing our letter it's so exciting you know sometimes santa likes a little bit of a nudge in the right direction but honestly it's really important you write down surprise because we have to be grateful for whatever he brings so i have had interactions with one particular parent who became massively disillusioned at christmas yes that they were like i thought i had good kids turns out they're not happy with anything,

that they went all out and they probably were guilty of falling into that trap of, I'm going to give them the Christmas I never had. Then you get three Christmases in and they're like, this is normal. Yes, but what I have to say here, and sorry to interrupt you, and this is a warning,

I'm going to do some real daddy nanolog talk here is if you're going to pursue having daddy nanolog in your father christmas yeah yeah and you're going to go out of your way and do a load of things to make it extra special yeah you cannot be upset if your kids don't thank you for that because they don't think it's you doing it yeah so at christmas it's not just managing your kids expectations you got to manage your own because what are you doing it for if it's so your kids think you're the great lad that's not okay who's this for yeah who is it it's a very important question that we all need to ask when we're spinning

our nieces and nephews over their heads also yes you're gonna lose your kids this Christmas it's just inevitable

yeah keys to the city we used to call it yeah they're gonna be lost for a few days because some of them are gonna have been

really tricky terrible people and Santa still came yeah yeah oh my god yeah this is it so they're going to be thinking didn't our son say that to us i don't think i was that good this year yeah yeah we still did really well yeah we had that one christmas area like i didn't even think

i was that good we're like oh well you know santa taught you were great lad and uh no you have to be very careful because it is about managing your own expectations. It's about managing theirs. It's also realizing, of course, they're going to go off the fucking reservation. Yeah. I mean, it's magic. Yeah.

And if you're going to pursue the magic, you have to live with the consequence of the magic, you know. True enough. True enough. That's why there's wine and trifles wine and trifle laced with sherry yeah tons and tons to get through this week it won't be the last bit of christmas talk that we do so be warned that's coming up later on in the show uh i'm gonna try and suss out off tina what she what her expectation level is for me. Hi. She didn't even let me finish the sentence.

Question number one. Hi, Tina and Jar. I love the podcast and tune in every single week. I love the range of questions you deal with and how you handle them, Tina. Not Jar again. Just leave me out of this. deal with and how you handle them tina not jar again just leave me out of this speaking from both professional and personal experience with a bit of comedy thrown in thank you for that fantastic she didn't say me there she's probably still referring to you fantastic stuff anyway i

have a wonderfully independent and feisty 15 year month month old daughter oh my favorite she doesn't like lying on her back for long whether it's on the bed on the floor in the pool etc especially not when i'm trying to change her nappy her diaper she screams and fights us every step of the way hoisting her hips up and doing everything she can to turn over and stand up so kind of doing like a yoga kind of wheel pose getting fully arched back we do see that a lot but it is unusual now like i have gotten back to this mom but it's the first time when you've read it out that i realized it's not just when she's lying down for a nappy it doesn't like being on her back sometimes i relent and change her standing up if it's only a wet nappy but i can't manage a poopy nappy unless she lies down in fairness

anyone that has attempted a stand-up poopy nappy change every only does that once no no that happens always in early years what do you mean that you're changing kids standing up with poop in their head and is it possible it's doable but it's it's obviously easier when the kids will just lie down but when they're in early years they're so busy that you should do that on arlen's finished family they should have to because honestly it's crazy it's really hard we've tried putting a mobile above her changing table i don't know for a moment there i thought she meant a mobile phone that wasn't such a bad idea giving her pretend phone really giving her toys to play with singing the song sounds like

this one's doing everything you possibly can do blowing bubbles on her tummy and sometimes something works to camera but we can't find any pattern in it. I tell her that I'm going to change her nappy and then we can go back to what she was doing before. Still, she goes nuts. Nuts is the expression used. As soon as she sees the changing table. So like a dog going to the vet. Yeah.

Sees the sign. I'm out of here. We're at our wits end here we're at our wits and we're at our wets end oh we understand she's doing the same thing at daycare it's tough because we change her nappy multiple times a day and it's the same every single time. I've come to dread changing her nappy. It doesn't help that she's prone to diaper rash. That is no joke.

So I need to change her more often to avoid the flare up. Now, we've all been there. Yeah. That is zero crack. You're still getting diaper rash. That's unprofessional to mention that on the podcast. All the advice you can give is welcome thank you so much in advance anonymous okay so first of all i love feisty little girls you know that they're my heroes yeah but obviously you know the mom needs to be able to change her nappy and this is really tough and one of the things I think people forget when they've got little children who seem like they're,

you know, above and beyond. Yeah. Comprehension is there. They're telling them they're going to change their nappy, but you're still only talking to a little tiny, tiny baby. So really what they need is a visual aid. And what I suggest to this mom is that either she does a now and next board where she has a picture of the nappy and a picture of a hug. A 15 month old will understand this.

Oh, my goodness. If you're going to work with tiny children, pictures all the way. They need visual aids or sign. Gotcha. Either go with this sign language or visual aids. Right. It's super important. So na go with this sign language or visual aids. Right. It's super important. So nappy, hug.

Nappy, hug. So picture you guys in an embrace. Yeah. Or you're going to go for a visual timetable of the actual process that is put up beside her on the nappy changing table. So you will show her, first we're going to change a nappy, then we're going to have a hug, right? And then you bring her to the table and then there's like nappy a picture of a nappy

picture of like powder picture of like um the new nappy picture of like the hook uh you know whatever stages you have with your nappy changing thing and as you do them you take them off right like now we've done this now we've done this you know this is finished now we do this and now big hug you got your new nappy on well off you go so you've seen this work oh of course because what we forget every single time with tiny children is they don't know how long they don't know what it means they don't know that's why buying them watches for christmas is a waste of time yeah but they really don't know so i love that she's coming in with the warning right that's imperative is that the right word yeah and then come in with the now next board be like now we're going to change your nappy then we're going to have a hook or a treat

whatever it takes at the start phase it back then gotcha then have the visual timetable of the nappy and go through with them do not let them remove thing. You have to keep in control of that. You're the one in power. So you'd be like, now this is your nappy. Let's take off the picture of your nappy. This is the powder. Let's take off the picture of your router.

And it's like a process. It's quite relaxing. This is quite chaotic, right? It's not chaotic. No, not what you're describing. Oh. Easy now. Sorry.

Easy black stallionion what she's describing yeah is like a ufc match uh with a toddler who is squirming yeah but you're expecting her to go he like but you i'm not trying to trip you up tina i'm saying to you reassure the parent that's saying what i'm saying yeah reassure them how am i going to get them to focus in on this thing when as she says the kid sees the changing mat yeah and it's like i'm out well first of all now they have a role in it you know okay they can also see the beginning, middle and end. Right, they're a stakeholder. They know it's not going to be forever.

And they see the map. Yeah, I would still suggest that during this whole process, you do like the belly blows and the singing. But you introduce it prior to needing to change the nappy. You tell them about it before. No, never. You have to be so careful about giving your kid power. But what I'm saying is,

surely you would tell them the next time you need to change your nappy, this is what's going to happen. No, you wouldn't do that. Because what you have to do is lead it. You go, you're going to show, first of all, you're going to give the warning. Then you're going to show them the now and next word.

You're going to go, now it's time to change your nappy. Then you're going to have a sweet or a biscuit or something. Phase it out till it becomes a hug. Always end this process with a hug. Right. Then you're going to bring them up to the nappy and you're bored and you're going to be like, oh my God, what is this? Look, it's all the stages of the nappy changing.

Look, what do we do first? Okay, it's time to take your nappy off now i've taken your nappy off i'm going to take the picture off the kid is going to be like oh brilliant like they love this shit they love it and that board doesn't need to be like a work of art no if you can draw incredible if you've got a polaroid even better or you can just print them off the internet do you know what just happened to me there as you were describing this what my uh olfactory memory punched me in the nose with the smell of these nappies while you were doing it i got the stench in my nose in my nostrils i remembered how much that was part of your life yeah and when a kid is wriggling and there's actual plops skying everywhere and your hand goes in and out. Yeah.

And I can totally see why she's emailing the podcast going, can you? So you've mailed this woman. Tell me this has worked out. Oh, well, I don't know if it's worked out yet. Right. I've seen this work. So this was your suggestion number one. Yeah, my suggestion number one.

Was one of the suggestions tie him down yes but not in an actual restrictive way not like one flow over the cookie's nest and there's actually a table changing mat called a wriggler the wriggler where you pop your child down and these kind of cushiony straps come out that hold them in a heavy kind of place. Okay. And they like it. Look, I'm not, I wouldn't want to use them myself, but I do understand that certain times if there is a safe option like this out there, I don't like restricting kids ever. Yeah, but if your kid actually has a difficulty of some sort

maybe that's who they're this small their safety is a concern would you be worried at all about this well i worry a tiny bit when i realize that it's not just when they're getting changed it's also when they're swimming when they're this because we're all inclined to go to maybe there's something big or wrong oh i don't think there's something big or wrong but i don't think there's any harm in this mom requesting a visit with an ot an occupational therapist or just bringing them to a doctor because there's something uncomfortable there like the child is not just acting like that there's something happening if it's happening at the swimming pool it's happening lying down and what's the harm in getting an opinion on that yeah but so let's widen the lens before we close off this yeah well you

didn't ask me what the third option i gave was the third option i said well toilet trainer i love it i love it and the mom was so receptive to that yeah because she was like this little girl is pretty with it like yeah when you told me that these aren't working out i mean lots of people toilet train before the age of one and here's the other thing and this kid's one nearly one and a half this kid may go if you go you don't like that, here's the other option. Yeah. They may go, actually change my nappy. No. You know how I feel about this.

If you start toilet training, you cannot go back. It's not an A or B. But I just thought it would work well for the mom to be like, and also, you can just get rid of nappies. We're also talking to, guys, listeners out there. We're also talking to, guys, listeners out there. I guess you could have put this together, but Tina, as a child, was the most ferociously independent young woman from the time she could walk. Every story I get about this amazing lady

who is the centre of this podcast is that she wanted to do it on her own. Thank you. I have seen it once. That's enough. I will now do it and I will walk myself to school afterwards. You know that because of those stories,

that is why I'm so protective of the little girl spirit. You are. Because I worry that there's along the way, it gets knocked out of little girls. It does. Like I was a was a little girl

and i always think about that kid that walked into that room behind that guy who was trying to speak to bbc news yeah she's walked into the room with that big swagger you go where did that swagger go and you just if this kid is this way well maybe, maybe you need to go, right, young lady, you're clearly too big for this. Yeah, well, 15-month-old is not old for potty training. Well, I can't wait to come back to this. We'll definitely come back. I hope she gets back to this. I can't wait to hear this work set.

But when you bring that up, it does bring me back to, like, for years my mum called me Miss Piggy as an insult. But I never knew it was an insulting thing to be called. Because to me, I was like, I'm Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy's cool. Thankfully, I've never been addicted to a computer game of any sort. That's not true. What? When you lived with Anto.

When I lived with a fella called Anto in university what game was I addicted to multiple ones a lot, you seemed to be all you did I loved playing golf on the Playstation at that time

and Tekken and then what was that game, the tennis game that was in the student centre? Oh, Virtue of Tennis. That was a good one. Yeah. But you had to pay to play that. You couldn't be addicted to that.

You just couldn't afford to. Yeah. I was actually reminiscing on that with Mikey, who's 13 now, that like the amount of money that people spent in video games, arcades, when now all games are free, on your phone because i think i was saying that to you last week that we kind of were addicted to screens when we were kids except we had to pay for them yeah and that and that provided the impediment yeah that like you couldn't be on it all day you just couldn't afford to but our parents were putting us on screens when we were

in pubs sending us to the arcade sending us to the pac-man machine yeah i definitely wasn't so i said i was sent down there to watch i was not getting a go operation wolf was the one that stood out with a bloody m16 machine gun on it i was absolutely obsessed with that one shoot and shoot and shoot and then our next question comes from a parent who's really worried about this very subject yeah and the impact it's having on their kid tina and jar love the podcast even though many of the topics aren't relevant to my family it comforts me to know i'm not alone in the struggles of parenthood that's the center of the the podcast. Yeah, it really is. Got it. Can't you just tell this guy's American?

Yeah. Because he's just so lovely. Yeah, like that's a really nice thing to say because that is the centre of it, that whatever you're going through here, Tina's seen it. Yeah. And also, we're all in it together.

All of us. We're all raising these kids. Absolutely. I am a dad of two kids, 11-year-old, 8-year-old, both. And also, we're all in it together. All of us. We're all raising these kids. I am a dad of two kids, 11-year-old, 8-year-old. I have an 11-year-old daughter and an 8-year-old son. We live near Chicago. Tina got it.

You knew. I've gotten back to this. My wife and I both work at home. And oftentimes, we find ourselves using video games and screens to give our son something to do during the day his sister is much more self-sufficient we have apps that limit screen time on the tv and my son's nintendo switch however since there is a specific game that he plays through the apple app store my wife routinely allows him to use her phone to play games as well the problem rears its ugly head when he refuses to give my wife her phone back holy shit balls no mom you're not having your phone back i mean this guy's got moxie anyway and when she needs, he also silences the ringer.

That's super cheeky. Silences the ringer and ignores calls and texts that are coming in. I mean, that's a lot of disrespect. That is very funny that he thinks his games are more important than her job. I know. I'm sorry for laughing. That's just such hilariously out of order behavior in in like an instant that is exactly the problem with all of our kids at the moment there's two in their own world your mom has extended a kindness to you yeah respect her for that yes you know it's so but it's my world and

we're all living in it it's my world this drives me crazy this dad says however she often either feels bad when he gets bored or simply needs him to leave her alone he's very clingy to her right so there's a couple of things emerging as this email goes on. Unfortunately, since she has a much more flexible work schedule than I do, we often default to her being around when the kids get home from school, etc. He is almost impossible to get through to while playing. Now, that's not uncommon. No.

That's, like, you might think, God, my kid zones out when they're on their thing. That's really common. It's really common and terrifying. Yeah. But I was the same way with TV. You're the same way when we chat. Well, that's because I'm thinking of a better life.

Oh, too, too far. Charlotte. That's like I felt the same level of upsetment there when one day i i have a habit of plaiting my hair and trying to do a french maid plait that goes over in my head and one day i told i did a great job and jara came into the room you're like tina you are no i said how does my hair look and you said it's a hot mess i did say the words hot mess i have not been able to let it go but just to be clear every day i think i wonder we'll get back to the email in a minute but i'm not dumb enough to know

that you you i'm not dumb enough not to know that you don't volunteer criticism of your wife. But you said it's a hot mess. You were saying, I think I balled this up. Tell me honestly, how does it look at the back? And I said, I'll be honest, it's a hot mess. Tina can't forget it. I can't forget it. Even the other day I was at the doctor's and they were like, how are you feeling? And I was like, my husband said my hair is a mess

back to this guy right i was not fantasizing about a better life i just tend to zone out i do tend to get lost in thoughts about the amazing jokes in my new show your man which is touring the world at the moment the death spiral begins when my son gets angry when screens aren't available. Right. And this is where we take a hard right turn into the big issue of all of this. We're talking full blown toddler tantrums from an eight year old physically hitting me, threatening his own life and finding tools to threaten us with. I'm glad we stopped laughing at this point because it's no longer a silly gaming issue. I'm not concerned that he will hurt us or himself yet,

but it is quite embarrassing when it happens around family or friends or in public places. This leads to me being angry with my wife for perpetuating the problem and embarrassed with my own ability as a parent. My wife and I have actually been to couples therapy, but we continue to fall back into the same bad habits despite knowing the damage they cause. Even if you are unable to provide advice.

I want to thank you for giving me somewhere to get this off my chest. Wouldn't that kill you? I want to thank you for giving me somewhere to get this off my chest. Wouldn't that kill you? Happy Tuesday. Have a great week from this anonymous dad just outside Chicago. That killed me, that line, because I was like, I get that. I mean, how many listeners have we bumped into on the street who've been like, I wrote the email, but I never sent it.

I never had sent. But just writing it was enough. That helped. Yeah. And there's so much here. There's so much. First of so much first of all it's really important to stress that this mom needs to know you are extending a kindness to your child every time you give him that phone and he should respect that so what does that child need he needs

a warning he needs rules he needs to know mommy's giving you the phone but i'm gonna need it back i will give you a warning of when it's gonna be needed back five minute warning and then you're to give it to me and if you don't you do not get my phone right so you're going from the top of the tip of the iceberg here tina right you're saying right we change nothing else yeah yeah and i personally would recommend changing something else i'll say that in a minute. Okay. The respect element is something that everybody listening to this can get something from. You've taught me this, that our kids need to get when a kind thing is done for them. Yeah.

It's not now an entitlement. No, it's a non-entitlement. And you need to appreciate that your mother is trusting you extending kindness to you but that is her phone her property and she needs it back and when she needs it back you give it back and if you don't there's a consequence for that yeah now the tantrum thing is scary you're dealing with an eight-year-old who is violently tantruming and also saying things that are quite scary. Deliberately trying to trigger you as well. Yeah.

Like working you like a fiddle. And my advice to these parents would be, when he's doing that, let him. What? Yeah, when he's having a diaper baby tantrum in public, ignore him. Why should you be embarrassed? He's eight years old. Yeah, it's old enough, isn't it? He should be embarrassed ignore him why should you be embarrassed he's eight years old yeah it's old enough yeah he should be embarrassed yeah he should be mortified stop thinking his behavior is his own you yeah let him live with the consequence of his behavior let him feel what it's like to be looked at by other people so like act like he's not your kid don't act like he's not

your kid i'm gonna be kidding but i'm serious i'm serious like so many people are so afraid to be embarrassed by their kid but that's his power yeah his power is embarrassing you he's embarrassing you yeah so take that away from him don't give a shit about what he's saying okay right so that's when it's happening in public yeah right does that apply at home when he's doing one of these? Well, I feel yes. What about when he's hitting you? But as long as you're, so in public and in private, as long as your child is safe. Right.

You don't have to react or intervene. Now, if he's hitting you, what does that tell you? You need to put yourself into a safe place. You need to take yourself. You need to put yourself into a safe place. You need to take yourself. You need to extract yourself from the situation. There's no reaching him when he's being like that. So just wait. You're going to reflect later.

Right. So that's the top down approach, right? What about the bottom up? The bottom up is this family needs a family meeting. They need to come together. bottom up is this family needs a family meeting they need to come together and they need to very clearly put some rules in this house and the parents need to come to this family meeting with agreed consequences also in this family meeting which you know darlotte i find the hardest whenever we do family meetings they have to be ready to let their kids talk and not react or interrupt to anything their kids can

say they're gonna take it they're gonna say some crazy shit they're gonna and you gotta take it on the chin and i find that really hard i mean that's when i get triggered when i'm like that's bullshit i'm not saying that tina has said, but I'm not saying she hasn't. I've never said that's bullshit, but I have been like. She has bit into a fist. I have been like. She has looked at me. She said all of those things with her eyes to me.

So I get it's hard. Like, I get it. But if you're going to do a family meeting at all, they'll only become successful if you're willing to let your kids talk let them spout their below yeah about what i should be allowed to and also you got to incorporate one of their rules just one of their rules but do not incorporate consequences from them that is your yeah yeah yeah yeah look this dad's amazing yeah he wants to save his family because also he's you know whoever you are you can say your name um there's going to be so many people listening to this going right finally somebody's mailed a show

with my problem yeah i think that if i'm going bottom up i want to see what you think of this tina because i feel like he's you know actively trying to work on the relationship going to couples therapy and there's a we're in the wild wild west in terms of our relationship with these games with our kids that we do not as a society in the same way as when the bank card came in and the you know the atm arrived people didn't know how much distance to give somebody who was using one yes we do not know the correct and appropriate amount of time to allow our kids to game in the week because this technology's not here long enough and enough studies haven't been done i think that 10 years from now we will know exactly how long kids are

meant to be staying on these things we actually do know now right we're just not brave enough we're not brave enough to do it but also i feel like the games companies are being allowed to make games where changes need to be that are far too stimulating and they the age range that they're directed at is not appropriate yeah so what i'm getting to in a long-winded way is i would hem in exactly where gaming occurs yeah i think your wife needs to delete games from the phone oh yeah i don't know 100 that's off limits for me her handing over the phone to him and arriving at that situation that is a stressed out mom who is just trying to figure out but there is other options of course but here look the most important thing i said to this dad

was we are living this together all of us yeah we're this is a struggle for every single parent dopamine addiction it is so hard like it is the one thing i fall down on every week because i'm like you your child is irrational when they come off those games yeah like you're like it i just they're addicts they're addicts and i hate it but why that's why i'm saying i'm echoing what tina said since the very first episode of this show you kid no matter what age they are loves clarity yeah they'll love the room if the phone is not an option anymore that's clarity yeah that is clarity but i don't agree has the nintendo app on the phone well he allows you to cut off the time yeah i think that you said this before as well

as bad as this is you do have leverage with your kid now because there is one thing that they absolutely adore doing yeah and if they really want to do it they will behave to do it they will but also i do believe that if your child smells fear if that is why they're like serial killers no no no i've seen it i've seen it so much. I know you're right. They know you're going to be embarrassed if they think I'll mortify you. And you can always tell you can always tell who those parents are because they're the parents who won't discipline their kids in public. Do not allow your child to have that power. No. Look, if somebody judges your parenting,

you got to get to a place in yourself where you're like that's on them they have no idea what's happened in my life and as long as you're not touching your kid in an aggressive manner as long as you're not screaming in their face if you're just standing there and waiting for it to be over yeah you've done nothing wrong and back yourself will yeah back yourself and your kid will be mortified and they won't have got to mortify you. And that's not mean. You're not being horrible to your kid.

You're just showing them that shit ain't going to fly here. Okay? I love it. I think that there's an awful lot contained in that and it's not the last gaming question we're going to get over the next while. Keep them coming in.

Honey, you're ruining your kid. Gmail.com. What's worked for you? And it is that image, you know, that I always go back to. If you see a mom holding their kid like a rugby ball, do not judge her. You've no idea how many times she asked them to get up.

And I love that. It's the time of the year when kids ask the most awkward questions of all. And that's what our third question is. It's getting to that time, Tina. It really is the time when the kids love dropping each other in the shit and ratting each other out and all sorts of beautiful sibling rivalries emerge. It's the most wonderful.

It's so wonderful to only have one child at this time of year because, I mean, all hell breaks loose. Like, really, as you come towards this Christmas break, we're all exhausted. You're just so wrecked and what uh what over the years has been your life hack for Christmas like what what has worked or have you seen work over the years to just keep you from you know blowing your top like that that's the thing that well i think most of us will end up who who has that answer nobody does because we're all working on it every year we're like this

christmas is gonna be the one where i don't react to everything my family says um i guess a glass of wine in your hand you're suggesting people drink alcohol i, have you ever been any more Irish? A glass of wine in one hand, a bit of cheese in the other. At least there's happiness in your hands. You can control your environment. You can control what your hands are putting in your mouth. I just recommend a trip away. From your family.

Just go on a nice break for yourself. Well, you're all about the toilet seat, aren't you? Yeah. I do think every house has an escape room. Yeah.

And it's just it's not a room to protect you from home invaders. I do take breaks when I'm in

houses that I really I'm like houses that I really I'm like a struggle in here and just go to the loo I'm well aware you take breaks because when you take them

I fucking know you've deserted me I'm like yeah that's when I'm eating the cheese and drinking the wine and I'm like oh yeah I'm it's usually my house. That's when I'm eating the cheese and drinking the wine. I'm like, oh yeah, I'm coping on my own. Tina and Charlotte, I love your show so much.

I tell everyone I meet about it. So I'm hoping if my friends are listening, they won't know this is me. Brilliant opening to an email. They've already accused me of being cranky about this problem I'm having with my little one. Our two-year-old daughter has just learned how to use the word why. Oh, brilliant. Oh, brilliant. Yeah.

No, not so brilliant. No matter what we say, what we're doing, or where we are going, every statement is followed by why. Now, it was cute when she was two years old when a two when she a two-year-old asked why do people put socks on their feet but it's escalating quickly and i'm losing my patience i mean this is exactly why i brought that up before this one the cuteness can only be so cute and then you lose your patience recently she was acting up when uh she was acting up when we were out for brunch and when i told her to stop or try to reason with her i got a why response back

she's only two but uh i really need to nip this in the bud for the sake of everyone in the house she's an early talker it's hard not to find it funny i can see why her friends are like you're being cranky because you're running a 24 7 she's an early talker, so I don't want to discourage her, but I can't answer another question. Like, why is our bin grey? Why is the stone hard? I mean, this might be my favorite email of 2023. What do you say to that, T? Oh, look, I say, just answer the question.

No. I question. No. I do. No. I do. What? Yeah. You can't answer, why is the stone hard? You can.

You can say, that is an interesting question. I've never thought about that before. Let's go out and get some stones and feel them and figure it out together. about that before let's go out and get some stones and feel them and figure it out together you know i think we had this question a year or so ago similar yeah and i think your answer was make asking a question like this more hassle than it's worth i would never say that, you big bullshitter. No, you said, take an interest in the question. Yeah, take an interest. Let's go find out. Oh, absolutely.

Explore the question. Go with it. And what if when you're on the way to Wikipedia to find out why stones are hard, there's three more why questions in there? But like, they're just talking. Right. They don't even know what why means., they're just talking. Right. They don't even know what why means. They're just talking. You can redirect the conversation all the time. You forget you're in control of this. True enough. And also, it's

so short lived. Like they will move through the why period and you will miss it so much. I know that because I do. And also, your friends are right. You've got an early talker. Do you know how lucky you are? True. Some kids never talk. You are so lucky. Some kids never talk or it takes them ages or they'll never, ever become inquisitive. Look, it can be head melting. You are a tired mother. You are so tired, you poor thing. It is awful. You're so tired you'll never get

over the tiredness. I have a 13 year old boy. I am not over the tiredness I felt. So go easy on yourself. But when they say the wise, you can just make shit up to make it funny for yourself. Remember our friend Jared Christmas, who used to call guacamole... Guacamole. Guacamole. I don't think you can make it up. I know you can. You can make it funny. You can make it entertaining, alright, but when you're wrecked tired, you can't do that all the

time. It's a different level of tired. I feel for this, Mum, because, you know, she's agreeing with you. She's saying, yeah, it was cute. Yeah. But then it's like, come on now, you're just trying to wind me up. But a two-year-old is not trying to wind you up. I'm sorry. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. No. No? I just... You don't think that our little boy had the capacity to push your buttons that age? Why don't you ask your own child some white questions as well? You know? That's good. You know, like... Flip it back. Why do you think it's hard? Yeah. Why don't you ask your own child some white questions as well? That's good.

Flip it back. Why do you think it's hard? Yeah, exactly. Why do you think stones are hard? Go get a stone, feel it, have fun with it. Like, I mean, you're trying to fill your days when they're that age. You really are. And if they're actually inquisitive and soon she's going to be off to Montessori where they will love all those why questions. Yeah.

And also once your kid turns 13, they don't ask you why. They just think you don't know shit. They really do. Yeah. Look, it is worth. I know it's a short answer, but it is worth keeping it in perspective sometimes. I know. Oh, look, my heart is with this woman.

I get it. I feel your tiredness. It's hard. You're exhausted. I think flipping it is good, though. Flip it i feel your tiredness it's hard you're exhausted i think flipping it is good though it's good flip it what do you think yeah and also just exploring it go with it you've got a really bright child yeah your child's bright they want to learn they're curious and they're two and she can say things like that that's unbelievable like that's unbelievable and it's quite frightening too I think people forget that when you've got a tiny little child who's able to talk like that

it's a bit frightening we've got a ton more stuff for you to enjoy over on patreon.com this week and every week there's a bonus chunk extra questions feedback on previous questions it open up way too much it's juicy it's juicy over on patreon and i will tell you you're gonna love the extra stuff

this week uh you just go to patreon.com forward slash irishman abroad sign up with no obligation cancel anytime you like maybe you only want this episode maybe you only want to hear this week's or the last couple of weeks you can cancel anytime you like i promise though once you head Thank you, Charlotte.