Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Ep 10 Sibling Conflict, Whining Kids & Fat Worry In 4 Year Old!

Episode Date: November 14, 2022

A Dad who has been spying on his kids with a BabyCam learns something truly shocking. A Mom who worries she is passing on her negative relationship with food to her four year old. And a kid that cannot stop whining for things they want. Tina has coping strategies that she has seen work for all of these parents. Jarlath introduces Dr Gabor Maté and his theory that all kids are raised by different parents - even those in the same family. Please don't hesitate to contact the show with your parenting situations and questions. All emailers will remain anonymous and Tina relies personal to all messages received. [e-mail] is the email address. To support the show and gain access to hundreds of Irishman Abroad podcasts including bonus HYROK episodes visit patreon.com/irishmanabroad

Hello and welcome to the 10th episode of Honey, You're Rooney, Our Kid, the parenting podcast from the Irishmanabroad podcast network and Go Loud. Big shout out to everybody at Go Loud. That's the platform that we'd love you to listen to us on. We'd love you to listen to us on any platform and it's so great to be up there in the charts as we said last week. Thanks to you and your support over there for rating commenting and subscribing wherever you are uh i might sound

a little bit off today but i guess that's part of the parenting reality is just being spread so thin that you wonder how am i gonna get through this day that was my thought waking up this morning well you do look really really tired thanks so nice you're not meant to agree right if there's one thing i've learned about being in a relationship is when the other person is criticizing themselves you do not go yeah you really need to come back on the wine jar this morning we're in the car and you say, let's go to Blanchardstown and get you some makeup. And I was like, what? I mean, there's going to be women listening to this going, I mean, hubba hubba. This dude goes, let's go to Blanchardstown and buy you some makeup. But that's not how I took it. I took it as, what are you saying?

What are you saying? But apparently, I don't remember a few days ago ago I said I've got no makeup left and Jarlett was trying to be nice I took a huge offence but if I had said Tina I don't want to offend you but you need makeup

that's what you heard yeah that's what I heard well maybe I did say that because I have no recollection of the conversation that's how tired I am

I was on my feet all last night doing the the pharmaceutical awards for ireland at the royal dublin convention center this is just a plug to let people know that i am available for corporate events but i mean there were 29 categories wow i said it to them if you don't win an award tonight, you need to go home and examine your life. What were the names of the categories? Best Project.

I don't know what it was. But in fairness, you were reading out what the categories were and you were like, yeah, actually, pharmaceutical people this year of all years need our praise because we more than likely wouldn't have come out of lockdown if they hadn't buzzed their ass to get those vaccines to the people who were willing to take them what are the goodie bags like at that awards like it's all like vaccines there was no goodie bags i wish i got dinner i'd actually love a goodie bag like that that's my kind of goodie bag an antibiotic some viagra i think that would be brilliant did you see i did my viagra joke in the shop oh my god darren did his number one dad joke ever he's forever doing it when we pass chemist i'm like the whole time

going thank god he hasn't said that to anyone. We're in Boots, Blanchessown this morning. There's a massive box of Viagra on the shelf. A display box. Yeah, a display box. It's more of a sign put in the shape of a box of Viagra. And Jarlet says. I said to the fella, now who is buying a box of Viagra that big? And the guy is like, oh no, it's only display i'm like i fucking know that it's a joke

yeah but my timing must have been all off i think you need to do it again when mikey's there because he appreciates your shite jokes in a way he was suggesting that i go into the shop on grafton street and ask can i borrow it for a photo outside and carry it down the street like a boombox. Anyway, speaking of peckers. Oh yeah, I have a very funny story here to open the show. We have a Willie story to open the show. Charlotte thinks this is the first time he's ever heard a Willie called a pecker. In Ireland, yeah.

I mean, the last time I heard somebody refer to a Willie as a pecker was like in an 80s high school movie from America. For me, I feel like the lady in this story mustn't like penises because that's a really weird way to describe it or be very uncomfortable with saying the word penis or willie but she's she's saying a word that is uncomfortable as well like to peck at something is horrible i don't want a willie pecking at me sorry keep your pecking willy away from me it says so my four-year-old son likes to dance around naked after baths and while changing him as cute as it can be it gets old after a while and if you've ever had a boy you know that they can become obsessed what age

is with their peckers he's four. You like to dance around naked after that. Exactly. Also with your pecker. This is the habit of a life. I told him one night that if he didn't put it away, the pecker snatcher would come and take it. Pecker snatcher. And that that's what happened to his sister.

Oh, no. That's how women are made. Your sister's only a girl because the pecker snatcher came and took her penis he looked at me in disbelief and said i was kidding him but i doubled down and told him it was the truth and that really is what happened to his sister his eyes got big and he put on his pants fast forward a couple days and him and his sister have now elaborated on the story i love that i love that the kids are like oh oh yeah, mom, we can top this. And the pecker snatcher is now a man

who has a basket full of peckers that he carries with him and other elaborations on the story. All was good. Well, all was good and well until he explained the entire mythology

they created to their grandparents and then their teachers. Now I'm the weirdo. That is too funny. It's dropping you in it. Yeah. And you're just trying your best to get them not to act like they're acting.

But like really, first of all, the pecker snatcher does sound like a character from some kind of Brothers Grimm type thing that they would have come up with. Terrifying. The pecker snatcher would steal your penis and put it in a basket. The willies of the boys and keep the peckers. And he believed it made him blue. Terrifying. The peck of snatcher would steal. Your penis and put it in a basket. The willies of the boys and keep the peckers and the willies just made him blue.

So gross. It's just so gross. She has potential for kind of a terrible histories or revolting rhymes type book here. That's the upside for this mom.

The downside is what must the teacher have thought well you know i i always think it's hilarious how teachers don't not teachers parents don't understand what the teachers are up to at school when it comes to news time oh yeah especially early years just a heads up there to all the people i've taught their children i know everything about you i know all the bad stuff they never stop talking they never stop talking and this is their news my dad won't wear pants around the circle time my mom is going crazy oh yeah circle time is always so much fun and the best circles are when we do when we work on feelings and you you say okay well first we're gonna say why we

feel sad and those are always the best ones i feel sad when my mommy told me I couldn't do this. Oh, amazing. But yeah, we know everything about you. So I can only imagine that teacher is pretty worried with this pecker snatching. And not because you're prying, right? Sometimes you do. Well, sometimes you have to scratch the surface, I'd say, when you hear some worrying stuff, right? Oh, no, you'd never let that continue in a circle.

I'd say we'll talk about it afterwards. You'd say, OK, then somebody else's turn yeah you you yeah no no no we're not mean i feel bad now no but like look it is important that like teachers do tune in there see i went very serious people i do remember you telling me about a kid that was obsessed with lizards and he was like uh when do you get that when i don't have access to my lizard and what makes you happy when i do have access to my lizard they're hilarious but most of the time you would you the biggest joy of teaching early years is when the kid gets collected and you get to mortify the parent with what you've been told during

i know i heard all about it. Heard what you were up to. You knew it all. And then obviously you've got the other quandary that you find yourself in where you're like, do I tell them what he said has been going on? Do I let them know that I know too? Yeah, I know a lot of stuff. I know a lot of stuff about a lot of families.

And now everybody knows that i helicopter my dick every shower until you're told to put it away uh yeah like this actually ties in with our first question about complaining uh i mean i don't see you complaining about the helicopter my child is very impulsive he wants what wants, but when he doesn't get it, he will start whining about it. I was accused of being a whiner as a kid, I'll be honest with you. I can see that. I could picture that.

Yeah, could you? Oh, Charlotte, will you stop nagging me? That's what I was told. That's just an impression of me today. That's how my mother sounds. Anyway, this listener says that this little boy complains that what he wants is being ignored. I wish I could ignore him because the whining drives me bananas. He won't stop until either I lose it completely and end up shouting and grounding him sometimes.

Or I give in and just get it so the whining will stop. This drives my husband. Lula. Excellent word. I love that word. I love the word Lula. I need your help. What can I do, Tina?

Thank you so much for your podcast. A very tired mom. See, I would like to know what the kid is asking for oh i'd imagine it's everything right yeah i guess if you're in the habit of it yeah it's food and that's that's when whining you can cope with whining when it's just one off but if your child is never happy like if they ask for something you get it for them and then they're on to the next thing that drives me bananas because i'm like but we just got you the thing you wanted how could you possibly want something else there's a there's also a line at the very end of that

email that i think i can relate to today of all days no darl it's so tired the fatigue yeah that when you are tired that noise like just and it's not even my kid doing it from out and about I'm sure people listening to this can relate when you hear someone having their kid whine at them

you're thinking put a sock in it kid we are very lucky Mikey's never been like that but we do know a family of whiners we do and it is of whiners. We do. And it is very hard to be random.

You've got to cut this. Why? You've got to cut this. Why? Well, first of all, we can't keep going. We're very lucky Mikey never did this. Because he is no angel. Yeah. That is true.

Sometimes we watch videos of Mikey when he was small and we're like, I don't remember this. I don't remember him being cranky he's shouting in that video he's been a bit rude yeah yeah there is one in particular where we're like that was so adorable at the time and now you're like huh i'm worried you're too far away from the mic am i i don't know very low talker charlotte has decided to lie down now. I'm lying down now like I'm terrified. We were sitting up at a table and now he's lying down. What do you do here, Tina?

This mom is being whined at over everything. And that would drive anybody loolah. Well, you know, at the end of the day, we are all pretty aware that a child is whining. They're just looking for attention. They're just looking to feel listened to. And it's really tough because that particular sound goes through everyone. Even the most patient mother or father will be like, will snap at that because you're just like, Jesus Christ, cut it out, you know.

that because you're just like jesus christ cut it out you know so basically it's kind of taking a pause in those moments getting down to their level and saying i hear you i know you are asking for this right now i can't give you that it's not available to you right now you have a lot of stuff do we really need it talk about needs and wants you don't need it you want it there's a very different big difference between needing and wanting something and i think it's really important to teach children that early on we all want stuff all the time do you need that thing i'm kind of i'm still working on this with jarlet as i look at a wall of a hundred sneakers he never wears but um i really wanted them you really want to know your mother didn't get in there early enough with you and the needs and wants do you need it or do you just want it see this is great as always tina has to be said i was thinking

of this before we came on and i was like you do see the this situation that this mom's in quite a lot, where you'll see her being whined at. And they're ignoring it, right? And I'm thinking, that's really good. Great the way she's just ignoring it. But what you're saying is, at the start, nip it in the bud, down to the level. Down to the level. And go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, before you start. Do you need it? Do you want it yeah i think so because even the greatest mom patient dad and

mom i need whatever they tend to snap and the kid gets the big reaction they got the attention they wanted and they're probably going to end up getting the thing they're whining for because they've worn you down and it's worked it's worked and also sometimes the whining is just for the reaction so i think get down to his level his or her level explain to them you know do you really want that thing do you really need that thing or do you just want to do that but try and offer a solution try and talk about you know maybe this is something we can work towards or maybe your birthday's coming up and i can mention to people don't don't just be like that's gone now just because you want it. You can't have it for some nice solution.

But yeah, I agree. Whining is very tough to do it. Like I do always think back to little Jarlow, little Jarlow who was whining because he was like, I don't get anything. Yeah. I didn't get much. But you you felt an injustice there. I wonder if we could go back. Did you really not get anything yeah i didn't get much but you you felt an injustice there i wonder if we could go back did you really not get anything or did you just were you just in a very bad habit of whining i'm too tired for that i'm too tired i'm serious i'm not even being mean i'm asking you know my

brothers and sisters all thought i was spoiled did they yeah that i was the one that got stuff and maybe i did relative to them but then we've an amazing clip that we need to play in here oh about oh we saw an amazing about siblings an incredible bit that we just stumbled across this week uh from dr gabor mate who you will probably know he's a hungarian canadian physician he's 78 years old yeah and videos of him and his thoughts on child development have been doing the rounds of you algorithm throws that kind of thing up to you it's probably thrown this guy at you and it's funny because when we first saw him and became aware of him i said to george use he's very brave because that is the thing when you're in early years you have to be brave to stand by what you think because no offense to all the parents listening but sometimes you ask for help and you're not really going to be happy with the

answer that's coming and i think i don't agree with everything he says but i think i've read a few things and i've seen a few things he said that I think, wow, that's really brave because that's really true. And then I realized he's 78. That's why he's so brave. Couldn't give a shit anymore. Doesn't give a shit who he pisses off anymore. So let's play him in and we'll go into our next question. How could you have, let's say, people who are raised by the same parents in the same way?

One becomes a narcissist and one doesn't. Because no two kids are raised in the same family. No two children have the same parents in the same way, one becomes a narcissist and one doesn't. Because no two kids are raised in the same family. No two children have the same parents. Do you have siblings? Yes, older and younger. You weren't raised in the same family. When your parents had you and when they had your younger siblings perhaps, they might have been at a different stage in their own personal development or in a different stage of their relationship

or a different economic position. Furthermore, you never had the experience of not having somebody older in the family than you. You never had the experience, at least until your younger sibling came along, of the insult of I was the only one and all of a sudden I have to share my attention with this young interloper, which is what your oldest sibling had to do. So no two children, not only that, even more importantly, temperamentally every child is different, and that means they evoke a different part of the parent.

So even if the parent loves their kids equally, which I'm not questioning, they will not respond to the child the same way. The child will not evoke the same responses from the parent, one child or the other. So no two kids have the same responses from the parent one child or the other so no two kids have the same parent the principal reason for conflict in families i believe among siblings is there's a belief that there's one rule for one yeah and another rule for another yeah and he explains it very well that in

fact there is unconsciously there is there There is. Because you all, your parents. You're different people. I mean, honestly, when I heard that, it really helped me because I was like, yeah. With your own siblings. Yeah, because we're all your parents. He explains very well that they're in a different phase of their life when they are. It makes such sense. It makes such sense.

You're like, duh. Yeah. It's forehead slapping level of so true and he's got a bunch of great books out the myth of normal hold on to your kids is the other one that i really want to get tonight yeah and he's also full of regrets and i think that's why he's being so brave because he's he came to early years very late on and uh he realizes now the importance of those early years like and i i like the way he's talking about it because sometimes it's hard to get people to take very late on. And he realizes now the importance of those early years. Like, and I, I like the way he's talking about it because sometimes it's hard to get

people to take you seriously. When you say between zero to six is such an important stage of development. They're becoming, by the time you're six years old, you're basically the person you're going to be for the rest of your life. You can work on yourself, but your, your idea,

the way you think about the world the way you act in the world is the foundations is there yeah that's not to say that people can't change of course because i was a douchebag when we met oh massive massive massive it is a mystery to me how we survived that year. I'm all surfacy. I was a cutie pie. You were a cutie pie. Let's go to this question board.

I think my kids hate each other. My wife thinks I'm overreacting and thinks I'm not home enough to know this. But I just don't think that what I'm witnessing between my kids is sibling rivalry. I think it's much worse than that. I have two girls aged eight and twelve. My oldest feels like we always take our younger ones side. I certainly bought the benefit of that when I was a kid. Do you think so? Because I'm middle child. So you really feel like they do that? Definitely.

My dad would come home and go, you little topper jar. You've been a great lad and my sisters would be seething going you have no idea anyway he says my uh my oldest always feels like we take the younger one's side a few weeks ago i put a nanny cam in the sitting room without them knowing i'm sorry what he put a what a camera a camera in this yeah so he was able to watch in his home yes so he could keep an eye on his kids i mean what's you're saying this like we have some in the house too and i don't know about them no i i do not judge this father for this at all if you think about it why do we limit the use of nanny cams to babies who could potentially fall out of things or check if they're asleep or not i mean you have surveillance around your house i believe that this dude made a really good call here and as this question plays out you'll

understand why okay so a few weeks ago i put a nanny cam in the sitting room without them knowing. The footage has been hard to watch, to say the least. I can't even tell you or show my wife because she doesn't even know about the nanny cam yet. She'll probably take the same response as you. My youngest child, this is what he's seen in the footage. My youngest child seems to enjoy dementing or tormenting, I suppose, the eldest. From what I've watched, her antagonizing behavior is virtually constant. I feel bad because we've always believed the youngest, but our eldest girl has been telling the truth to my eyes. So my question to you is twofold. How do I fix that sibling hate as I see it or sibling antagonism?

And how do I say sorry to my eldest, mend the trust gap? She's 12. It's been at least six years i'd imagine that this has been going on where we've been like no not believing her that's a very tough one and the third part is how do i get rid of the nanny cam without getting caught i think that's probably the least you're worried yeah you can just make that disappear the same way as you made it reappear yeah absolutely love this show. Don't know what I did before it was here. Please keep making it.

Did you just add that in? No, I'm just trying to make it play the... Oh, right. Sorry. Yeah. I think you've got an episode note in there. Love the show. Don't judge me too much.

Read the nanny cam this anonymous dad okay wow well that's a big one isn't it uh first of all um at least he cares that about saying sorry to his child you know now he realizes that you know but how do you say sorry without going, I watched on a secret camera? Well, I think what he has to do is he has to start acknowledging and taking it seriously when she says it to him now. Because it's happening behind closed doors. This kid, kids are devious to you. Yeah. They are.

They can be. This kid would have swagger. They've been getting away with it for a long time. Yeah. He thinks it's six years. how powerful must this child feel like she must be like there's nothing i can't do to you they believe me all the time right i mean they're still very early there's a 12 and 8 year old it's okay i mean what it will take a little bit of time but just acknowledging the older girl when she comes to them and believing and taking on board taking it seriously sitting the eight-year-old down making sure they realize we believe her talk about it find a way solution to whatever the

behavior was at that time and take it very seriously not don't start punishing or anything but just i think it'll be enough that the 12 year old feels listened to that there's actions being taken and that the eight year old feels like oh crap they're they're getting catching on to me now might be okay isn't the behavior very odd like wouldn't you as a behaviorist go huh that's a little worrying now because you're that's duplicity right that this kid is running a game on the family yeah i think maybe drunk on power the younger kid because while at the start it might have been you know that child has gone away with behavior for so long can you imagine how powerful they feel like they're getting a kick out of it they have to be i'm thinking of

jessica lovejoy and the simpsons no one will ever believe you yeah true because i'm the pastor's daughter yeah and you're just a sim. Yeah, well, I mean. I mean, that's what's happening. And like recently I raised it as a concerning behavior from my perspective. Is because that would make you go a bit crazy if you were the older kid there. Where it's like, can't you see? Or also, it would diminish your relationship with that like i didn't see why he needs to apologize because that 12 year old must feel like you love her more than me because you're saying that her truth is more valuable than mine well i i'd imagine that 12 year old feels like what's the

point what like they don't believe me anyway like probably the very despondent that way yeah but we're very lucky this dad even though i'm not sure i agree with the invasion of privacy there what he did was he now has observed it and he needs time to change it and he might actually save that relationship between the sisters because he might by not allowing the younger sister to be so powerful and devious anymore and by listening and acknowledging the older sister's feelings there won't be because at the end of the day, the parents kind of are to blame. Yeah. Because they have completely, for whatever reason, just assumed that the younger one couldn't. Is an angel.

Is an angel. And that the older one should know better. Yeah. But I wouldn't get rid of the nanny cam if I'm the dad, right? Because you've got to check that this is stopped. Well, he has to tell his wife. Yeah. He has to.

It's not okay that he did that i don't think she'll have a problem with it either but i i would just think though if we're to come around it the other way we come let's look around the other side right okay that if you're not going to go to the younger right and you're just going to stick with the older kid and go well i believe, I believe you. I believe you now that there's antagonism happening here. I get it. And you can just say, I saw it briefly. I saw an incident.

You don't have to say I've been watching it on camera. I'm just saying, just hear me out to you. Yeah, okay. That in the same way as we talk about whining in the first one, do you have to equip the 12-year-old with a better ability to handle it and not give it anything but then i don't know what the antagonism could be like is it physical is it like yeah well i can't not touching can't get mad oh god i know the moves i know the repetition one as well oh my, my God. Oh, my God. That was you. That was... Oh, my God. You were so annoying.

I am so annoying. Oh, my God. You're persistent. It's terrible. But, like, can you imagine? Do you try and equip the 12-year-old with actually the skills the way, like, we were with Mikey when kids were slagging his English accent? And we were like, what you got to say is, hmm, you lost it. You used to be able to do the English accent

a couple of days ago, but you can't do it anymore. And that killed those kids. It tore their hearts out. I don't, I don't. Like, it's such a hard one because he has to be very careful because he has crossed a line. He did invade their privacy.

He has. He's crossed a line. It's not okay that he was watching his kids like that. I have a story about a parent watching their kids that is just horrendous i hid behind the cushion there oh my god they went away on holidays and the cameras are in the house and told the kids about yeah and the kids were having their boyfriends over and having sex up to all sorts in the jacuzzi and all and like you talk about a violation at that age i believe you're right at 12 and 8 i'm like no i have to keep an eye especially if something like this is going on i have to keep

an eye should people keep an eye on builders who are in the house in the same way these are your kids i don't well i don't agree on the violation here i'm like i'm gonna keep an eye on my kids no no no i do i i be i agree with myself i do agree with me by the way no i i think it's not fair that he didn't his wife wasn't on this i would love to get the listeners thoughts in the emails to honey you are ruining our kid at gmail.com is it a violation to put a secret camera in to keep an eye on your kids anywhere in the house. Are they a team or not? What's he saying? Yeah, but he's acknowledging that.

He's acknowledging that, yeah, he gets it. I don't think he, I think he, I get the feeling he felt a little bit bad and thought, okay, I'm going to see. But you know, that's really beside the issue. How much they didn't believe the older child, though. Sure. Because, yeah. But then maybe that kind of division in the relationship is part of the division here in how they view the kids that maybe maybe there's a whole like as as the doctor said

in his clip that there are different people now yeah so when they had each of these kids and maybe the two parents view each of the kids very differently because they were at different points themselves in their lives when it came out it's this is a very complicated one and i'd love to know what you would go through each of his answers there what's the first step well if your kid if you feel your kids regardless of whether you film them if you feel your kids actually hate each other yeah rather than just have that bristling rivalry well you completely have to really take it seriously about them working on that relationship and i i don't agree with what you said about um her going to the older child and um saying i saw something or anything like that i think you just change your pattern of

reaction to them and the next time something happens you take them both you take it very seriously you sit them down and you listen to them both and you believe the older child this time and you talk about it and you talk why did this happen what was going on and you just yeah i think that's what's not happening open conversation and you know build up to the point where you can actually stop the behavior because there's a really long pattern here but that older child needs to be listened to now she needs to feel like her voice matters my dad believes me i'm not just living in a house where my i'm like no i'm invisible ignored yeah the cops don't believe me yeah a few episodes back and people couldn't go back and listen to this one we had a question from somebody whose

kids were battering the heads off each other little boys hammering into each other hammering tongs drawing blood concussions and bruises and all sorts yeah real heavy play yeah that you addressed it by saying there needs to be a sit down around the table as to what are the rules of the house. Yes. Is that perhaps a way to go? Absolutely. Absolutely. Oh, journalist.

Delighted I got something right. But they actually have to have a family meeting and talk about what's acceptable and what's not acceptable and how everyone is going to be taken seriously and there's it needs it in a very general way take the power away from the little girl without her knowing that you're only believing the older girl now because you've seen it okay and in that conversation is there a place for because this is about truth and honesty. One kid is living a lie. Yeah. Right.

And it's lying to the face of these parents. On a daily basis. I don't even think that little person though would be, it's not even about the lie anymore. It'd be about the trill and the power of it. Yeah. But you're, yeah.

Last week you talked about kids getting out of bed and going to the loo in the middle of the night because they're old enough. Eight years old, you're old enough to know. Oh, yeah. I'm completely, yeah, I know that,

but I'm saying that it has evolved in her mind probably. Right, to be a kind of a game. To be a kind of a game. Like, or it's just something she does. It's habit now. She gets away with it. She gets a thrill out of it.

This is one of the best questions we've ever had. Well, it is a scary one. I'd really like this dad to get back to us. And see how it plans it pays out. But I can't advise him to tell them about the night again. Okay, but the sit down around the table. Look, that's probably something that most families should be doing anyway.

You don't need to get to a point where two kids are battering the heads off each other or hate each other or doing stuff i don't think like i don't know would you recommend that for any family where it's just like let's have like our family meeting is something that families should do i think so yeah and just a recap of what's expected in the family our roles within the family yeah yeah absolutely i was just thinking there it would be nice if these parents at different times just maybe had a moment with the older girl to say, you know, how proud they are of her and how they really believe in her and

and just in a gentle way to let her know they love her and they do trust her. And then, you know, it can be hard sometimes. Two quick questions for you, Tina. First of all, if he does if he does make the nanny ham disappear right if he just wants this to be a secret between the three of us he makes the camera disappear is there an argument for him waiting at the door if he knows it's going on and then jumping in and going aha gotcha no saying i saw it my own eyes now i know you were telling the truth how long has this stuff been going on this antagonism this is what she's been telling me you were telling the truth. How long has this stuff been going on? This antagonism?

This is what she's been telling me you've been up to. Have you been doing this all the time? I'm saying that if he can somehow engineer a way of getting rid of the camera and then seeing it with his own eyes, he'll never have to tell anyone about the camera. Well, I guess if any parent witnesses a behaviour, they should definitely deal with it there and then. But I don't know if it's,

Ha-ha! Now! A ha-ha moment is always good as a parent right if anything just to see the face of the kid being caught that like they're some of the cutest faces ever guilty kids guilty kids faces but but second of all a final thing i want to say on this is when you talk about building the relationship between the two of them i don't know what you what you talk about. Like, what do you mean, like team building kind of board games, they hate each other tasks together. I don't know. How do you how do you rebuild something? Like the doctor said, those early years are so important, so important.

The two of them have established their relationship. They have established their relationship by now. But it's it would be more about um it would be more about you know doing fun things as a family because you can't put the pressure on them personally but honestly i really feel that if the older sister just gets believed a bit more that will repair so much straight away because the the the stain is born out of you know nobody listens nobody believes me and i'm being you know abused she's being you know mentally manipulated or physically we don't know by her sister what's the risk here what's the if they don't get on top of this

the unfairness of it oh i'd imagine teenage years in that has to be awful could you imagine two girls who hate each other going through all those hormones i mean it's got he's got to get no and it won't just be hate towards the sister anymore it'll be hey towards them so it's a blessing what he did really yeah but i just still think don't don't make big parenting choices like that without talking to your the other person what are you looking at that's a good way to end this question jerry's just staring at me like i'm looking at you while you're talking but it's like you're looking do you want me to look i don't know into the distance i wouldn't mind if other people would experience that this got in touch to help us too i mean i wonder are there more nanny cams in houses

than we know about i mean you always wanted one for the babysitter but i was like we can't do that yeah i think a lot of people are doing it with the babysitter but i was like we can't do that yeah i think a lot of people are doing it with the babysitter do you right i do well we definitely came back once when the babysitter was fast asleep yeah we did like she drool on her face and i was like what am i what am i paying you for i sleep in my house i loved that babysitter though but come on yeah come on it was so funny that it's funny when your kids give you reviews of the baby yeah she was like she's very anxious anxious all the time that was mikey's review of one babysitter and the other one was that he he just ad adored her. Yeah. Yeah, like...

Just thought she was the best. And he was happy. But also she found him hilarious. I was like, she can sleep much she likes. Yeah. In the last few weeks, I've realized that my poor relationship with eating is being passed on to my kids.

I'm so ashamed. My four-year-old daughter asked me for another if another slice of pizza would make her tummy fat four years old i can see why this mom sends this it wasn't a cute question she says she was serious i feel this is all fault. I've not been careful when discussing food and I'm just suddenly aware of that. How it makes me feel about myself, all of it. Worse still, my youngest child, a boy aged two, was pretty sick recently and the doctor reckoned that he wasn't getting the nutrients he needed can i fix the weight worry in the four-year-old and how do i redress my own path when it comes to my attitude to food and my kids this is a very tough one yeah well that is concerning that is

i would i would drop anything in my hands if a little four-year-old asked me not because that is tough because my experience with four-year-olds is they're just really proud of their bodies and if if they're pulling out their belly it's in a funny way they're laughing about it about the shapes they can make the shapes and how squidgy it is and it but always in a very positive kind of funny way it is very scary that this child has associate that with a negative and connected the food yeah to it food and the fat so it has it is this poor mom is being so honest but she has put that in she has planted that seed but it's not too late no of course not no she's four years old not too

late what they need to do is start uh first of all no negative talk about food in front of the child that's really hard that's really hard we aren't like you are a bit hung up on your weight, but we don't talk about it much in front of Mikey, I don't think. And I have first-hand experience of, I grew up in a house where weight was not talked about at all. I didn't even think about my weight until I went to college. I really didn't. I never once.

And even the odd time when I used to, because I always was in and out of hospital and I'd be weighed, I'd be so happy if I put on weight. Like that used to be a feeling I had, which now I find amazing that for, I don't know how my parents sheltered me from the worry of weight. You're not reading teen magazines? No. Because at that time it was rampant. It was Kate Moss time.

I was not ever concerned. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. That was the whole thing around then when i went to ucd and i was living with other people and they were concerned about their weight yeah that i ever thought oh maybe i need to be worried about my weight it was not something i ever ever until uni not until university wow so i wonder like how can we help this mom first of all we need she needs to get help she does yeah she needs that was my thought yeah because i wished yeah she needs a nutritionist

she needs to go to a nutritionist and she needs to talk about how she feels about her kids and eating and she just needs a plan because whatever rule she has for herself should not be the same rules as her kids and if the little if they're missing out in nutrients and stuff that means we have to admit that the diet in that household is not varied enough so she needs a plan she needs advice she will get that easily even just looking it up she can get that advice she needs but she needs help herself she's recognized something now in herself and she needs to reach out and get some help for herself because it's only going to get worse i think but with the children not entertaining things like that not giving it a big shock when the child says is that going to make me fat to reconnect the food

with oh we have to eat food gives us energy i always like to explain to kids the whole thing of when the car is empty your mom or dad brings it to the petrol station and they put petrol or diesel into the car to keep it going well our our engine needs food and without food we can't keep going and that's why it's so important that you eat breakfast lunch and dinner and then also with kids and parents kids need to eat at least every two hours sometimes like when i'm in the classroom and a parent should be like oh they're so irrational when they get home i'm like what are you feeding them when they get home from school and they're like well they don't have anything to their dinner and i'm like that's why you're getting the bad

behavior they are they are. They need food. So what about before bed? You would say. Well, always a supper before bed. Always. And that can help with the sleeping too. It can keep them asleep the whole night through because they're not waking up hungry. But I would.

It's a tricky one. It's going to be really hard because even the parents who don't think they have hang-ups with food have. And once you become conscious of it it's all you hear yourself saying but that's why i think she needs a plan when it comes to her kids because if she's noticed that it's already affecting her kids she actually needs to be really strict now with how she feeds them in terms of the amount of food they're getting how often they're getting it and not to not to have her approach to herself be the approach you know the way in previous episodes you've said that uh oftentimes teachers have the hardest time getting that they're experts on everybody else's kids but their own kids are tougher

that sometimes when it's something like this where it feels a bit like the horse is bolted this is in the kid's head to the point where they're looking at pizza and going i don't want to get fat when they're four when they're four terrifying that if you went to the cops like this is what i'm saying it's somebody in uniform in a white coat then you can always go remember what the doctor said you know if it was even the your gp who goes now i want to have a serious chat with you guys, that if it's from an external source, that it's not just mom saying it, that it's the kid of the like those shows where they scare kids straight that you could get the gp to have a chat around food in front of the kid well i mean that's that's where i would go to her teacher if she's in early years i mean yeah rope them in yeah i would go to the teacher and ask the teacher to do some healthy eating and how

it's OK to have different things and treats and and that at our age we need to eat more. Yeah. And how we're burning energy. But I mean, I I say it for that mom to go to the nutritionist. But if this mom has some kind of eating thing, I can't see her being willing to do that. That's going to be something she'll have to build up to. So she sends a where She sends a wearer. He does send a wearer.

Well, maybe this will be enough fright for her. You know, maybe who wants their own daughter to have the same, you know, image, bobbles? I think your answer is great because your answer is you need to get help yourself. Well, the mom needs help. Yes, I think that's first and foremost if you identify your kid as exhibiting something worrying that you know emanates from you yeah well then you yourself need to look at you first yeah and then modeling that and then and also yeah mommy needs to get help but also mommy needs to know all is not lost. This child is four. Okay. Between zero and six, there's loads that you can change.

Loads of patterns of behavior you can change. She only said it maybe one time. We don't know. But we now know that mom isn't going to act so shocked the next time. And mom's going to be like, of course you can have your pizza. You need loads of fuel in your body to keep going. But that's how you get our energy from. Eat up your dinner. Enjoy your food.

Enjoy your food. That is something I feel like we don't say to our kids enough because we don't feel like they can enjoy their food because they're eating plain pasta all the time we're like jesus look at their crappy diet but it's like come on enjoy your dinner let's enjoy our food very good so last last week we talked about the abuse we saw on the hood. So many people got in trouble. Well, we saw a dad being horrifically abusive to his son in the swimming pool. It was terrible. Yeah, holding him under the water.

It was the worst thing I've ever seen. It sauntered us. Holding the kid under the water. Yeah, yeah. He shook him by the shoulders. He was four. Yeah. Shouting in his face, what's wrong with you?

And everyone in the pool looked away they did including us including us and i just felt shite about myself ever since yeah and yeah it actually has affected us because we can't stop thinking about it and i did go to lifeguard and he said there was nothing he could do but i mean i feel like i should have done more so people luckily jarlet did a bit of research and what you should do should have done more. So people have been in touch. Luckily, Jarla did a bit of research on what you should do in these situations. And so many people have gotten in touch to say, thank you for that, because they didn't know either.

They, like myself, wanted to do a filthy eye or, you know. The old stink eye. The old stink eye. But they realize now that would be the wrong thing to do. So I actually think, even though it was an awful thing that happened, maybe we've equipped ourselves definitely and other people better for when they go back and listen to that episode and see the advice that i dug up online on how actually to approach it if you're witnessing it you're right there yeah you want to intervene in such a way

that you don't make the situation worse for the kid yeah which is the priority yeah go ahead and so going away from that very serious throwback to last week i have a very funny story to end the show well i think it's very funny and my kid loves bubble baths i love giving my kid bubble baths because of the pure joy that lights up in his face when I put a bubble beard for when I pop a bubble beard on him here's where the fuck you comes in what here's where the fuck you comes in this took a turn that here's where the fuck you comes in this is two hours ago as a put as of posting this my kid is taking a

bubble bath lots of bubbles admittedly i put too much in but he's loving it regardless i can't see through the thick bubble barrier bubble butt that's all i can think when i'm reading this bubble barrier to the tub bottom unbeknownst to me oh no my kid has a shit in the tub oh god found out he had corn at daycare that today no grunts groans or farts when he let it go i'm letting him fill up his water cup and dump it all over my head and face. Even put some water in my mouth and spat it back at him. Pure joy. I drain the tub and realize what has happened.

I am unclean. No amount of toothbrushing or showers can rid me of this disgust. I think that story is parenting. I think that is what parenting is like you are kind and lovely to your child and the whole time they've taken a shit and you're drinking their shitty water it's the best metaphor for parenting right there tina thanks so much we'll talk to you guys next week honey you're ruining our kid at gmail.com is the email address please keep the reviews coming and keep spreading the word about the podcast that's how we'll climb the heart at the hearts and the charts of ireland and conquer amy hooberman once and for all yeah amy has no idea the rivalry because i realize i'm so bad at doing stories and i leave

that i will get past amy hooberman in the charts to the end so much but I'm so bad at doing stories and I leave that I will get past Amy Huberman in the charts to the end so much but it's never appeared that bit of the story has never appeared in the stories thanks so much guys talk to you next week we love you Amy to uh be ready and go loud everybody over there uh to all of our emailers and of course Tina thank you so much and you Charlotte thank you even though you were really cranky and tired today, you still got through. Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid is an Irishman Abroad podcast

presented in association with Go Loud. Editing, research and production by Jarlik and Tina Regan. To support the continued creation of this podcast and to hear even more Irishman Abroad podcasts, including extra bonus episodes of Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, why not consider supporting us on patreon.com forward slash irishmanabroad today.

Finally, don't forget you can come and see Jar Life and Tina in person at Liberty Hall in Dublin on January 6th. Jarzilla is Jar's brand new show about life, raising kids and everything else in between. He wants to film it in front of sound people like you. Tickets are available now from ticketmaster.ie. Don't forget to email Tina your questions on Honey You Are Ruining Our Kid at gmail.com because heck, let's face it, it's hard to raise kids not to be gobshikes.