Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Ep 11 My Kid Hates Me, My Kid Refuses To Go To School & Temper Control

Episode Date: November 21, 2022

Do you have problems with bedtimes, getting your kids to sleep in their own beds, naps or waking up too early? Get your questions in for sleep expert Ciara Taylor (https://www.taylormadebabies.ie). She changed the lives of thousands of parents with her innovative and ingenious methods. Next week Ciara will be our special guest and she will answer them all. In the meantime, today's episode focuses on one mother and her struggle to get her child in the door of the school each morning. Can Tina help? She's certainly seen this quite a bit during her 20 years in education and behavioural units. "I HATE YOU!" Maybe you shouted it at your parents when you were a kid. Regardless of whether you did or not, it cuts deep when it's said to you. But what do you do if it feels like your child really means it. And finally, the Dad who loses the rag with his kids. What do you do if your partner's temper is getting the better of them. Contact the show with your questions [e-mail] - no problem to big - no situation too small. Massive thanks to all of our supporters on patreon.com/irishmanabroad and the team at GoLoud.

Hello and welcome to episode 11 of Honey, You're Really Our Kid with me, Jarvis Regan, and my wife, Tina Regan. Tina Regan's here. Guys, massive response to last week's episode for multiple reasons, but I have to apologise for the delay in putting it up it was like nine hours delay you know it is it isn't worth talking about how we always put it up at midnight on the sunday before the monday so that you have it on your phone for when you do drop off or when you just get that moment where the weekend is over i put it up nine hours late why tina why did i put it up nine hours late because you're so you were so tired i was literally so tired when i finished editing and producing the show and rendering the show you did that classic tired thing of you didn't complete the task yeah i was like done yeah you actually you sent me a message to say done all done coming in now coming in from the office in the morning i check just to share the link and

i'm like it's not there i want to hear our listeners uh most embarrassing moments of sheer tiredness and things you've done yeah well tiredness is a big issue it's it's the main topic of most of our questions and we are really lucky because we have been um met up made friends with this lovely woman called kira taylor from taylor may babies and she has agreed to come on our show next week and talk through some of the questions from our listeners so there's still time if you want to email any sleep questions in this lady is amazing an expert in her field she has changed two of my friends lives she comes highly recommended and if you have any sleep related questions email them into honey you are ruining our kid at gmail.com tina the buzz around

this woman coming on the show not surprisingly because even when you say that a load of our questions are about sleep yeah many of the issues that you're having yeah in relation to your kids come down to as well your brain being so fried from lack of rest oh yeah you can't make a good call well we all remember doing crazy stuff well at the beginning you're just so tired so you can't judge that but as you move forward you're still tired there is residual tiredness there i mean how many times have you gone to make a cup of coffee and realize you're pouring the kettle into the bin i do that all the time even now even i've only got one kid i always say this like i do not know how you're

doing this with more than one kid and look i make so many mistakes true we need to put a montage together of the amount of times i criticize things i'm mean to him i don't think i'm mean to him but i was laughing to myself before we pressed um what is it record record the button known as record because i was i was a bit short with jarlett a bit like efficient i don't i don't think you were sure with me you just said something to me that you would say to a dumb person no no i no make sure now that it's recording she said just make sure it's recording okay but i realized do you think i am i realized in that moment this is our first experience of working together properly and i spoke to you like i would a colleague but i'm a really nice colleague but

you're a very hard colleague to work with i'm just saying the only other thing we ever worked on together, two things. What was Tina? We co-produced a baby once. Yeah. And I did a stand-up show where it was kind of an honor system on the door. You could pay a fiver. And Tina used to stand at the door. I was terrible. And she was doing the door. And all she would do is people would come up and go,

is this all the comedy's on? And Tina would go, yeah, go right through there. I couldn't charge anyone any money. We made no money. I couldn't do it. I couldn't take money off people. She couldn't charge them. I was like, it's OK, come on in, it's free.

And then the other thing we worked on was obviously the wedding, which produced. Oh, don't pretend you worked on that. You worked on that. Like, anyway, let's let's leave that. Let's put that to bed. No, I have to tell people the story. I went off touring Australia. For four months before we got married.

For four months. And left Tina to organise the wedding. Well, not all the wedding, just the invitations, which is a mammoth task. And I left a list of invitees that were my father's friends and my mother's friends. Now, I don't know if everybody else listening to this their father has a load of nicknames for their friends i mean this list so this list some of the names on it were kooky that was it like nothing else no surname kooky uh spider blackie blackie i remember the list i was like what am i supposed to do with this list this is

insane did he come to the wedding you had the address i don't remember there being addresses blackie plus one we have three dingers of questions today yeah and you know what last week's show i found was the toughest one to do and it's hilarious because we've had all these emails in going. Couldn't stop laughing. That was such a funny show. And I'm really glad to hear that because I found that one the one that I was like, this is really hard sometimes. Well, it's very hard to get a perspective on what you're doing as a parent when you're doing it. And similarly doing something like this you just don't know so we would love to hear from you yeah specifically in the reviews on apple podcast you've no idea the impact reviews and new listeners have on our position in the

chart and if we are ever to crush amy hoober in the way in which Tina wants to. You need to rate, comment and subscribe. I love Amy. She is lovely, but I want to destroy her. You want to crush her. I'm sure she's just as competitive as us. Let's go. Question number one. Hi, Tina.

I just listened to your podcast about the poor little boy with the anxiety and it rang home as I'm dealing with that issue myself my five-year-old can be the happiest funniest kid ever but also he'd be so anxious and highly strewn he is that's not uncommon right to start with that when people think they've got an anxious kid they think well he's not anxious all the time yeah but obviously there's triggers yeah my my he is in third year of school and has started crying and not letting me go when it comes to go to school right he's fine up until the last minute and then he kicks up and we kiss and hug goodbye and he's literally the only kid in his class doing this and i really don't get it as it's come out of nowhere i contacted his teacher which is what you always say to do yeah as i get the teacher involved she said he's always

fine five minutes after so i don't know how to manage it okay so it is separation anxiety right okay i've asked her if she can create a responsibility for him in the mornings which is a brilliant idea so that he's excited about going to school and do his little job. So I'll see what she says to that. But I'm a bit lost on how to deal with it correctly myself and with my husband. We've noticed he's very highly strung lately, more than usual. He refuses to enroll in any activities outside of school i've tried to bring him to football but he refused to go on the pitch then he refuses

and literally point blank no budging i have been in a yoga class i have him in a yoga class in an attempt to de-stress him on a Thursday after school. Another brilliant idea. His mom is clearly on it. He enjoys it, but also he doesn't want to go the day of it. He has no choice to go because we pick him up and bring him into the classroom. His little brother is so much more carefree and I'm afraid because his stress about doing things could start to rub off.

Yeah, it could, but it might not. Let me think. So the first one is crying going into school okay that is something we all see a lot of as a teacher um it happens kids go through these phases for all types of reasons but i feel like this case i feel like the mom is right there's a separation anxiety here and I feel like this child may in fact be worrying about leaving his mom maybe um things I've seen that have really worked well with getting your kid into the class it's the first thing she said going to the teacher and getting him a responsibility

in the classroom that's fantastic if this teacher doesn't think like if she's not if she's not going to go along with that approach or it's not something she does i will can't understand why but maybe where they're living these teachers don't believe in that sort of stuff maybe the teacher's a bit of a douche let's be honest that happens too yeah i can't be giving everybody jobs just because someone's anxious yeah maybe the teacher has been in teaching too long that's the only time i see Yeah, jaded teachers don't make good decisions. But you can give him a job. Just something to focus his mind as he goes in.

I want you to put your hat in the arm of your coach, hang it up like this, then put your lunchbox here. Then I want you, and you can direct him somewhere in the classroom. If the teacher isn't willing to give the job, think of something, I don't know what this school is like. So I'm just thinking, well, what is

the easiest thing this mom can get her child to do in the morning more often than not when you see kids behaving this way they are of course anxious about going to school but they're anxious about the whole leaving the separation leaving mommy saying goodbye so in the past what I've seen that has really worked is first of all try and not give it too much energy. You have to model the expected behavior. You have to and it sounds like this mom is that she's not giving it too much. She's just worrying about it herself afterwards. She is making him go to school. He's not getting away with not going and the teacher has said that he he stops crying straight away so that's really good we know now that he gets over it really fast so a simple thing

she could do is a visual timetable in the morning all the different parts of his day that'll take away where we like and in the evening cartoony yeah cartoony visual drawing you get up you have breakfast you go to school you have your lunch you work to school, you have your lunch, you do your work, you come home, you do a club, you watch TV, you have your supper, you go to bed. And he can just tick all these things off before he gets into bed. What did you do today? Tick the things that you got through in your day. Is there a prize at the end or is this just standard behaviour?

This is just something that calms his mind. It might need to be a different visual timetable every day. He might just need to write out one every day. This is what's happening today and at night time we'll talk about it together just something that calms his mind so in the morning you've talked through what's happening throughout his day also maybe something that might work here is um i think i've said this before at a lovely mom in my class he used to just draw a little heart on the inside of her child's wrist and anytime she was missing her mommy or

she would just give it a kiss oh and she'd know that mommy was thinking of her too and that can be enough for children but let me ask you why obviously i get off this parent that they're like why now why is this happening now we don't know there could be that mom is that worth even thinking about well there there's obviously a reason for a change in behavior and the mom hasn't shared that with us but um something has happened and i'm sure the mom knows something has happened she is seems keen to get him to do something so then she needs to offer him a choice choice of clubs a limited choice and he has to pick it and if the limited choice and activities is too big then you just you choose the activity and the choice in that within that activity is you

say it's football you we have chosen that you go to football now every week you're gonna love it it's gonna be great you're gonna learn all these skills it's gonna make summer so happy playing football with your friends now your choice is you can go to the football and take part or you can go to the football and wait and watch till the end but we are going to football every week and that's the choice when i say offer choices i mean offer choices that your child is capable of making um they might need to just have a discussion with this child or i know i'm forever saying this but they are really the family meetings are great but the diaries are brilliant a worry journal for the child to just put his drawings or pictures in things that are on his mind before bed then if he wants to share them with you you talk about

the worries and if not you just can check in on the worries while he's at school the good news is it's new behavior she's already observed it and she's on top of it. I really feel this behavior, like any behavior, if she puts in a plan of action, she can get through it. You can break any cycle of behavior, any habit of behavior, it can all be broken. There's always hope. And I think that the visual timetable is great for every single child. We had a morning visual timetable in our house it was perfect it was just for the morning just to get him out the door from school and it was literally everything it was like wake up get out of bed climb down your ladder do your way do your way honest to god we did this and i think we talked about this before because i mentioned it to

another mom and next thing you know jarla had to make 25 of them for all the kids in the class in the one of the pilot episodes that people can find over on patreon.com okay but yeah but it does it did work it changed everything and it also calmed him oh it calmed him and that's what i'm saying it's just they need to know what's happening in their day it's now and next now and next now and next but this is just something they can look at before they go to school come back in the evening tick off things they've done go to bed with a happy cam head and you can even make the visual timetable for tomorrow the next day or if that's too much for them make it in the morning if it needs to be different every day but um i'm really really

happy that this child has a mom who's really noticed she's noticed i'm sorry to hear the teacher isn't as cooperative as she should be you should always be able to go to your teacher about your child and they should be more supportive and i'm sorry to hear that so i used to see tina through the fence this sounds like i was up a tree we live beside the school but i used to see you at the door of the school dealing with the kids that didn't want to go in or didn't want to leave mom yeah because at that age it is up until they're like you know four or five six seven it's normal enough for them to cry a bit going into school because it is that separation from mom of course they want to stay with their mommy mommy's lovely they have to go into school and

deal with all the children all the demands they They have to go into school and deal with all the children, all the demands. They're expected to work in school. You know, they don't just get to have hugs. So that's that question dealt with. That situation dealt with as an anxious child. There's going to be a bunch of parents, I think, listening in going, yeah, every morning at the school is a bit of a nightmare. Yeah.

What's your advice to those parents who aren't dealing with a kid like this ematter just dealing with a kid who's just difficult to get in the door well the biggest thing i've learned in 20 years of seeing it is don't feed it you have to be like in your pop love you see you later bye go do not feed it because the minute that child sees oh mommy thinks daddy thinks there's something wrong here i shouldn't go into this place they're going to be like no i changed my mind too i saw it i saw that look on your face and and you know sometimes it's tough because sometimes the mom or dad want the hug more. The hug must be lovely. Like, I've had parents see their child walk into the class happy and come in after them for the hug.

Oh, my God, no. And then they're crying. And you're like, oh, he was happy. It was done. He was in. He was happy. He was proud of himself. I also remember you describing peeling kids' fingers off the door for them.

Oh, yeah. Well, that was one particular kid. Oh, my God. I love that child so much. That child used to... That is 20... and peeling kids fingers off the door for you well that was one particular kid oh my god i love that child so much that child used to that is 20 god that's over 20 years ago i worked with that child and uh he's a grown-up now which is so driving a car and he used to invite me to come live into him and i really wanted to because his mom just seemed like the nicest mom ever but yeah every single morning even though i his mom was great though he was her fifth child i think and she knew that this was just something he did every morning she knew he

was happy because he was so happy at school but every morning i had to like click the fingers off the doorframe i was like come on in come on you know it is hard to picture these things passing yeah but as you say he's living his life around Dublin now as a grown-up. Oh, I'd love to bump into him. I bet he looks the exact same. Maybe he is reluctant

to go into work too. So cute. His boss is peeling his fingers off the doorframe. My child has started saying the words, I hate you. He turned 10 and now I literally can't do anything right. I cry at night time and you just feel like I've completely failed as a mother.

Where the hell did I go wrong? He never says this to his dad. His dad doesn't seem to think it's a big deal either. Classic dad move there. I'm completely heartbroken. Please help. Tina, for me, this is the most heartbreaking email we've ever received. Yeah, it is.

You can tell that, especially if it's just directed at mummy. I don't think it's fair that mostly it's the mums who get all the bad behaviour. Like all the kind of eye rolling and touching is that the mums and the dads get to worship. Every day I help Mikey with his uniform or whatever he has to bring to school that day. I get up early, I make his breakfast, I get his lunch and everything together. This morning I told Charlotte, I said, oh and everything together this morning I told Jarlett I said oh he's forgotten

that he needs to wear red to school today I said to Jar he won't know his only red clothes are his Liverpool clothes I was like he won't know where they are

will you go up and put them on the bed unbelievable Jarlett tells me later that Mikey was like what did you say that he was like well he walked in

as I was laying his kit out on the bed and he was like, what did you say that he was like? Well, he walked in as I was laying his kit out on the bed. And he was like, oh, my God. Thank you so much for doing this. I mean, this made me so. That is so nice of you, Dad. And Tina's like, if she had been the one doing it, he'd be like, I don't know where that t-shirt underneath it.

Oh, unbelievable. There is a disparity in treatment. There just is I mean I'm a cool mom I'm telling you Tina it's not the moms that get it all the time

usually with boys there comes a point at which my dad's a douche bag I don't know you say that but then we went to a basketball game last week

and I was talking to quite a few moms and they were all having the same problem as me they were all feeling like they were being carpeted 10 is that the expression when you wipe your feet on a carpet carpeted carpeted it's a new one but this poor mom okay i mean there's nothing worse it's the worst thing ever and children know it it's they know it they

see that it paralyzes you when they say it you're so shocked because it's the most hurtful thing they can say so without even realizing you've given them this massive reaction yeah massive and they completely get that attention in their face yeah they know oh this is powerful this is what i'm gonna do now so as weird and crazy as this sounds all you can do in those moments is while every ounce of your body wants to react you breathe through it and you say we're not talking about that right now we're doing this no yep what otherwise you're screwed if you react you're screwed that child's gonna hate keep saying they hate you forever and like later on you can you know do try and focus on doing more

things together letting the child know how much you love them if the opportunity presents itself you know say talk about how we don't actually use that word it's not kind and you know it hurts mom's feelings but at the time you say okay we're not actually talking about that right now we're doing this you focus and refocus on whatever you're doing because you cannot give it air it'll be wow it's that is a big ask tina and i believe you're right i'm not calling it into question but telling someone who's just had seen this radical change in their kids behavior yeah like she said that this has suddenly happened yeah but he's suddenly getting is it a girl or a boy i don't know but either or their hormones are coming in you know a lot of their behavior

is unpredictable now turned 10 turn 10 and now i can't do anything right. Yeah. I mean, that's the other thing here. That it's not just I hate you. It's that out of nowhere. It's that if I say anything and like, you know, you have a degree of experience with this. I have personally. Yeah. And what I have done in our house was I had a sit down with Mikey about how it was making me feel. And we agreed some rules together. This is all true. Yeah.

And we wrote them out, just really simple rules that suited us, three of them. And we read them every morning. We remind ourselves of what's expected of us that day. And it's really helped. It really has. Now, my side. Right.

Dad has to step up. Of course. Because I would imagine yeah that's true actually i should have said that he's going bigging up dad a lot of the time well the fact that dad's not taking it seriously the fact that dad isn't going i will not allow that i will not allow yeah you make a good point there because when mikey was very small i was always in the habit of being like isn't daddy great because jarrett was away all the time so instead of mikey seeing that as a negative i'd always be like isn't daddy great he's always working so hard for us and all this and then that would be mikey's dialogue yeah

whereas you weren't doing the same dialogue you weren't going isn't mommy great she's up so he took care of you yeah so and eventually i was like jerry you always start saying positive things about me too and if mikey ever came to me with something negative, I would flip it and be like, I would never agree or go down that road with him. I'd be like, oh, absolutely not, Mikey. So dad needs to watch himself, right? Yeah. As much as he thinks that this has nothing to do with me, I'm just the hero of the house. Yeah.

Which is, again, a luxurious and lovely feeling to have that nobody's saying I hate you. And you're like, I'm clearly the the favorite i must be a legend yeah you have to think what have i done to not make my kid see my wife the way i see her and how i uh admire her for what she's done and what she continues to do you have to be careful how personally you take the the shouting of i hate you because it's not really sure but it's the disrespect disrespect yeah yeah so does dad honestly roll his eyes sometimes when mom says everybody needs to tidy their rooms or we need to get out of the house on time or we'll be late for this. Is that always mom's job? Or does dad do it? Is dad reveling in the role of good cop?

Tina is making eyes to me. Because you know you do this. You love being the good guy. But I have pulled myself on it. This is the whole point that this question is so important to us. And I feel like I can add to it. Because I wasn't pulling my weight. I was largely kids largely let's be honest a lot of dads see themselves as wealthy kids yeah the friend of the other kids yeah and really you need to as joe uh sipping and i would

say you need to step up mate yeah he's doing the parenting around here well i mean we didn't we didn't have luckily not of yet anyway mike he's never said that word but definitely was being a little bit dismissive and disrespectful to me and then like i was i have been saying it to joran he's been like oh i'm sure it's not that bad and then the other day while playing switch yeah the other day well i'd never say it in that bad. And then the other day. While playing Switch. Yeah, the other day. No, I bet it's not that bad. Leave us alone. We're in the middle of something. Well, I'd never say it in front of Mike. But anyway, the other day, he was snapped at you and you took such personal offense to it.

And I was like, oh, it's not so nice when he's doing it to you, is it? Well, there you go. And therein lies another one of the answers, I believe. When you go to your husband with this, you need to say, put the shoe on the other foot. Yeah. And he never talks to you like that. But just say to him, how would you like it? I'll repeat some of the dialogue I just heard.

Well, it is awful because this woman is going to bed and there's nothing worse than going to bed thinking, oh, I'm failing. I'm failing at being a mom. It's completely unfair because if she... Why do I deserve this hatred? If she was truly failing, thinking oh i'm failing i'm failing at being a mom yeah it's completely unfair because if she if she was truly failing she wouldn't care enough to think about it at bedtime like she wouldn't be lying awake going oh my child hates me she wouldn't care she'd be just so indifferent you're like

whatever that kid's not happy no matter what i do but instead she's writing into her show going can you please help me so i i would say though that the most um constructive advice i can give her right now to deal with this and nip it in the bud do not react breathe through it and then go okay cool well we're not talking about that right now we're doing this totally navigate it direct the attention somewhere else and if he goes i hate you you go okay yeah i heard you we're not talking about that now we the attention somewhere else and if he goes i hate you you go okay yeah i heard you we're not talking about that now we're doing something else and just keeping calm and doing that it works if you believe in what you're saying you have to lead it and yeah look that's

no more than advice that i've received on stuff where you're just like how could that work i think you just have to have faith to it you have to you have to you have to um what's the word when you have to back yourself you have to be confident like you would be at work in your job this is your job too you are you are a mom this is your job be as confident in this job as you are at school at your work whatever you do i'm a teacher and you just back yourself you just and children if they don't think there's a place to come in true that what you're saying they'll just they'll just follow but that also like the unified front to reiterate that point on this yeah as the the non-childhood expert but the partner who has been the one who isn't getting the flack yeah that you

know you're gonna need to say to him it can't always be me yeah saying did you tie your laces have you washed your hands yeah is your coat on is this a boy too because i feel like it's really tricky for doesn't say doesn't say and again i get the impression this email didn't want that revealed yeah maybe because that's this is very tough like who admits this no who admits this is happening this is the essence of our show yeah email us yeah the stuff that you can't even tell your friends about yeah you can't tell your friends my kid hates me you can tell us and tina will have a strategy of some sort to help you through the only question we've got like that and get back to us if it doesn't work and we'll go

again so you may remember a few weeks back we went to the library at the state in kilkenny and witnessed something crazy in the swimming pool uh go back and listen to episode nine where that took place yeah and we put an appeal out to you guys to go what do you do if you see somebody being physical with their kid in public and we found some answers on it and we put up what the experts recommend we've also got some very sad emails in from people who also saw terrible things and can't get over them because they didn't step in at the time wow but now we know it's hard to know what to do it is very very hard i feel like this next this next question might have been spurred on by that experience my husband gets extremely angry with the kids especially especially when he's tired. Look, the guy is really caring.

I love him. He's their dad and loves them without a shadow of a doubt. However, when they misbehave, he has a short fuse and shouting and threatening can begin. It's never come to violence, but he has dragged one of our kids across the floor to put them on a timeout when he was really bold. While my husband is defensive about this behavior, he's frequently sorry and says sorry to me for it. He obviously had some of this in his childhood and I reckon he was shouted at quite a bit. A lot of the problems are due to our six-year-old who can be a bit challenging

and I tend to give in and I take responsibility for that or I try to work around him but my husband just digs his heels in and I feel like that's what produces this. Okay, the child is is six it's being dragged across the floor that's quite terrifying well i should just say before we get into the answer that i've not that's not specifically the email we received i put together a couple on the same

subject to create this this email because you know some of them are quite sensitive and i'm trying to protect the details of the situation this person's in because tina that's an abusive household yeah whatever way you dress it up the shouting and the dragging well i got a fright i hope i'm not gonna upset whoever wrote into us but i could get a fright listening to that because I feel like the mom apologizing for the dad's behavior by explaining that our child is a bit tricky. Your child is six years old. They don't deserve to be dragged along. No hands on your kids. And they're all tricky.

They're all tricky. I know. I know some are very, very tricky and they will push you to your your patient point but I mean that is really worrying and I feel like this mom knows that this is only going to escalate as the child gets older because they're obviously not on top of his or her behavior right now and the dad's already getting this angry I can't imagine getting angry like that with a child that small but what i will say is they need to go on a parenting course where would you find something like that like i've heard that you mentioned these before but like i was just interested that that's what you think should be done not he needs to go on an anger management she can't reach him

so they have to go together she she can't send him she can't blame him because he's not willing to accept it now she's accepting that sometimes she's a bit soft and she gives in so she can say i think we both benefit from this they're available there's so many you can do there's even courses um if it's a boy there's a load of parenting courses for boys out there because people find them a bit more challenging and you can just go to your your nurse yes your local nurse that um what do you call those nurses the health nurse and they will help you find one but she needs to do something because parenting plus help me to parent practical parenting yeah that's just the first three that

come up when I Google it. The HSE even offers courses if you're in Ireland. So if that's Ireland, wherever you're listening to this in the world, there will be one. There's always so many parenting courses. And like a lot of parents now are much more open to that than they used to be. They don't see it as an insult to be told to go on one anymore. I mean, I've had to tell parents to go on parenting courses in my class because I will see that they're struggling

with their child and I can see, well, it's not your child that's the problem, actually. It's your attitude and you need to sort your attitude out. This child is six. I mean, if they're not on top of that child's behavior, it's not going to get better and the dad is already overreacting to it.

So I just think if this mom if we can just get this mom to do one thing this week or these whoever these people are emailed in it would be try and get convince your partner that you and him should do a parenting course try and direct it in a way that this would be very empowering for us we'll know how to talk to him and what to do and we'll get some new ideas what we're doing isn't working let's get some new ideas say that you heard somebody else went on it and it made them feel great and much more confident about what they were doing and what they should do nobody is taught how to be a parent so these parenting courses are beneficial for everyone no matter if you're if you are being abusive like that.

That is I'm sorry. Dragging your child across the floor is not acceptable. Even if you're not, even if you're like the most doty parent in the world, you're going to learn something at these courses. They're amazing. So I would suggest. I mean, you say it gave me, you know, you came home one day with a de-escalation script. Yeah. That, you know, came home one day with a de-escalation script yeah that you know just really helped yeah well that that will be very powerful for the mother in these situations when if the child is getting upset in that a de-escalation script i think we talked about it before is you see

you say the name of the child you say i can see that you're upset i can see your anger right now um i'm listening i'm here let's just wait you just you just acknowledge them acknowledge your feelings and i only say that because while i see that the dad is the source of this you know ultimately you do need the kid to be less defiant but as you've said so many times yeah the kid's getting a huge reaction huge reaction and loving the attention that's the bizarre thing the saddest thing about it is that dad thinks he's you know he's lost control first of all the minute you're shouting or you're dragging your child you've lost control but that dad in his way must think he's teaching the child a lesson but in fact all the child is learning is god if i really upset my dad i get it all this time with

him when he shouts at me and he just talks to me and it's all for me and he's not like he's consciously thinking that but he's craving it yeah and then eventually we get a hug yeah eventually he calms down and then he actually feels bad about it and like it's a cycle that child has got used to and it's probably the way they don't even know they're craving it but they will i get that sometimes you do need to raise your voice to your kids yeah i'm not saying you can't share with your children i'm just saying yeah there has to be a point at which you speak sternly to your kids you can get serious but if you're the whole time down oh yeah there's just one it it honestly loses all of its effect in the same way as cursing in my stand-up loses all effect if it's constant but it can be hilarious at the right time

the raising of your voice to your kid yeah like like i remember i used to bring an impression of my dad when he shouted and suddenly this is when you were a child. Yeah. You were doing impressions of my dad. Oh, you naughty little rascal. That is so... But he was very stressed out. Like, this is the other thing. It's like, this dad is probably very stressed out, just like my dad was.

I know. And parented that way himself. I get that. I get that. But all... Okay. I can't cope when somebody says, but I'm just really stressed out

and that's why i was unkind to my child okay in all other areas of your life you're working on coping with your stress why would you feel it's okay to take it out on your kid i don't like that okay i don't like that well the parenting courses we're going to put them in the info and look if you're listening come this far with the podcast yeah maybe you were the perfect person to go on one of these and just see what it's all about and let us know how you get on maybe you've already been on one and you're like these things are game changers they are game changers i know this i know this from parents i've sent on them well we'd love to hear from you they every single one of them go i really didn't know what I was doing.

And now I feel like I kind of know what I'm doing. Love it. Okay. And actually, I'm sorry for, but most people go back and do it again. So that's our show for this week, Tina. We haven't done in a while. We haven't done the whole,

what is it you want me not to do? Oh, yeah. I mean, we haven't done one whole what is it you want me not to do. Oh, yeah. I mean, we haven't done one of these in a while. And I've given you plenty to to choose from in the last little while. Well, I think today the biggest one I want you to stop doing might have just come true. Go ahead. Complain about your back all the time. That's lovely, isn't it? It's not the complaining. Been really badly injured for the last four weeks it's not actually the complaining complaining about it

actually not the complaining that's killing me it's the i think my back's better oh no it's not my back's not better well this is the worst pain ever actually maybe my back's better oh no my back's not better painkillers i've just looked up a dr mcstuffins uh diagnosis here i've got a new name for what's wrong with my back. I figured out what's wrong with my back. I actually know what's wrong with my back now. I think, yeah, no, my back's actually better. Oh, no, hang on.

It's really sore. Oh, no, I can't move. I'll never run again. My life's over. Dash, dash, I'd like you to stop. Okay, and I know the thing I'd like you to stop. When you're articulating a point like that, that you don't do it for five fucking minutes.

We all got your point like three minutes ago. You're still going, driving the point home. Here's the thing that you do all the time. I ask you to say sorry. And you go, I'm sorry jesus oh my god yeah i maintain that when i say sorry i mean it and if i say sorry that's that encapsulates me to say sorry no this is all on you you do this to yourself you think that you have to explain every part of your sorry i think the words enough here's what happens and i doubt i'm the only husband in this situation,

where if I'm to say sorry, I then say sorry and you go, you should be sorry. You don't just accept the apology. I'm like, okay, well, thanks for saying sorry. You're like, well, you should be sorry. Do you think this whole thing's going to go away just because you just said sorry?

Well, I'm afraid that's not how apologies work think this whole thing is going to go away just because you just said sorry? Well, I don't do that. That's not how apologies work. I'm not just going to. You're quoting yourself here. I don't say that. This is all you. Because we've had to. And look, every parent is dealing with getting their kid to understand the stages of repenting for things they've done wrong.

And I'm like, how can you model that behavior for mikey when he's like yeah sorry no years ago before we had kids jarlett also had a problem with how i said sorry then this has been going on a long time we were going out at least 10 years before we had a child and uh jarley used go, someday we're going to have a kid and yesterday he's going to say sorry. And one day, a few years ago, we were in the car and Mikey went,

I said I was sorry. And I gasped because I was like, that's me. That's what I do. I do do that. And exactly how you say it. But I don't say any of the other stuff.

That's what annoys you. I just go, I said I was sorry. But you readily don't accept apologies what let's say I do something wrong so don't say everybody other people don't accept me

let's say I do something wrong yeah okay on the daily I'm sorry yeah I'll say what for till next week that's honey

you're ruining our kid keep getting in touch with us if you think teaching your kids how to apologise appropriately is harder than toilet training and we want to hear from you honey you are ruining our kid at gmail.com tina thank you so much thank you so much darlick i really enjoyed doing the show you don't love me thank you darlick i love doing the show with you.

Oh, even worse. What? We did our first take where Tina said she loved me. And I said, you don't have to say

you love me. Now she won't say she loves me at all. Okay, I really am feeling stressed out now. I'm just trying to say goodbye.

And thanks to everyone who's emailing in our email address is honeyyouarewiningourkid at gmail.com I hope I'm getting back to everyone please nudge me if I haven't and keep sending them in and until next week thanks for listening all the best

see you guys. Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid is an Irishman Abroad podcast presented in association with Go Loud. Editing, research, and production by Jarlik and Tina Regan. To support the continued creation of this podcast and to hear even more Irishman Abroad podcasts, including extra bonus episodes of Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, Why not consider supporting us on patreon.com forward slash Irishman Abroad today? Finally, don't forget you can come and see Jar Life and Tina in person at Liberty Hall in Dublin on January 6th. Jarzilla is Jar's brand new show about life, raising kids and everything else in between. He wants to film it in front of sound people like you. Tickets are available now from Ticketmaster.ie.

Don't forget to email Tina your questions on Honey You Are Ruining Our Kid at gmail.com because, let's face it, it's hard to raise kids not to be gobshacks.