Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Ep 13 My Kid Walked In On Us Having Sex!

Episode Date: December 4, 2022

Kids walking in on couples in the middle of "sexy times" is apparently a lot more common than you'd think. Today on the show Tina and Jar puzzle out what's the best approach when coping with the aftermath. Do you deny, deny, deny or go full frontal honesty? In a completely separate question, Tina gets asked what to do if your kid says, "I know you don't love me." Is ignoring these words the only way forward or do you need to make time for a child who is highly sensitive or even a little paranoid that they are being forgotten? We are living in very strange days. How do you prepare your kids for not getting exactly what they asked for from Santa? Don't forget to submit your questions and feedback to [e-mail] - We love hearing from you. Your emails are the life blood of this show. No problem too big or small. Tina is here to help.

Hello there and welcome to lucky episode number 13 of honey you're ruining your kid the parenting podcast from the Irishman abroad and the go loud network parent to say parenting podcast is meant to be the zero judgment parenting podcast our logo says a parenting podcast but I like to think that what we're doing here is a little bit different. I'm joined as always by Tina Regan, my wife. Hello there. Who is the brains of the operation and you are submitting your questions anonymously to us here on the email address honeyyouarewiningourkid at gmail.com. Before you get started on that Gerard, I just wanted to say I love that you brought up the non-judgmental part of it again because i realized this week we had this amazing episode out with this lovely woman kira

taylor from taylor made babies and i shared it in my own personal page instagram stories about sleep experts sleep uh tune in and so many people i know who maybe don't listen to the show got in touch to say well i think it's okay to let your child sleep in with you and i was like you didn't listen to the episode not one time did anyone say it wasn't okay it's not okay in fact kira said if that works fine do whatever works for you but it's just funny because that's never the tone of the show the tone of the show is we're not giving out to you ever we're just saying we're here for you we're trying to support you let's help you through this you know there is a bit of a stink around parenting podcast for that reason and hopefully we're changing that so if you are listening to this now you're listening regularly and you're wondering why why isn't

why are more people listening to this how come i can't relate to everybody about this the way i would this american life you know it's it's worth explaining it have to say the the chart position does mean a lot to me uh so there are a lot of you out there listening and enjoying it I guess all we're saying is spread the word yeah and please spread the word for me because it's really annoying that all Jarlett's other podcasts are number one all the time we're doing really well but I would love to shove a number one in his face. But Jarlet was just about to tell you about our really crazy weekend. Well, basically, we took a notion that we would take Mikey back to see his old buddies.

It was a notion. He got invited to a party online. His friend said, would it be possible for mikey to join by zoom his friends back over in england where we just moved from and i said fuck it let's go and jarrett was like okay but i'm working and i was like cancel your shows just cancel them just cancel the shows and i did i made him do that because i was like mikey needs this he needs to see his friends you wanted to come to this show we've added a new date yeah

January 7th Jarzilla in Dublin so we'll make it up to you we it was a surprise booked the hotel booked the flights

didn't tell him kept it as a surprise he can't believe it to say that this was one of those nightmare journeys that you have as a parent

where literally everything that could go wrong from flight delays to car rentals to hotels with a view of literally a brick wall. It felt like the universe was telling us it was a bad idea every moment of the way. But in your face universe, because the welcome little Mikey got from his friends

will keep my heart joyous for a long time it's pretty special it was ridiculous like it was like something out of uh you know um a Saturday night Ant and Dec show him appearing at the window it's like those videos you watch all the time of the dogs and the soldiers coming back I love watching you'll find Jarlett in a corner crying because he's watching all these soldiers coming home with their dogs saying hello to them. But it was really beautiful. And it's all thanks to Mikey's friend, William, and his lovely mummy, Andy, for making it all happen. But it was a real reminder to me, God, even as grownups, we've got to take care of our friends.

You've got to send those texts. You've got to check in because Mikey has been taking care of his friendships. He has missed his friends. And luckily, through technology, they're able to check in because Mikey has been taking care of his friendships. He has missed his friends. And luckily, through technology, they're able to keep in touch. And it brings us to question number one, because it's not always been like that. And it's not always easy to get your kid to make friends. And we've had people getting in touch who are saying, what do I do if my kid is having a hard time making friends

when your kid comes home from school and they don't mention any friends whatsoever that is an alarm bell isn't it yeah now this person has got in touch saying that the worry that descended upon them when she'd asked the question and there'd be no mention back yeah when play date options and who would you like to have over didn't come up after all healthy peer relationships are a substantial part of life she says realistically though can a parent expect their kid to have friends and be a social butterfly? Or do I need to do something? Do I need to intervene in some way to encourage them? It doesn't help that we live a little bit further out of town than the other kids.

Amen, sister. I lived that. When I lived out in the countryside in the Curragh, when all my friends were in the town playing football all day and all night. What are the normal social practices for this situation? I'm so anxious about this. I'm losing sleep. Okay. So there's a few different things here. First of all, this mom needs to be careful. And I know that because I always do this there's a lot of assuming here just because your child isn't telling you about friends and their day at school doesn't

mean there's anything wrong with that day at school or their friendships but it is so hard to greet that silence when you ask those questions because you do go straight to panic i definitely do i always go to straight to oh my god mikey's lonely at school and nobody's talking to him like completely. So I feel like she does need to check in with the teacher first before she does anything at all. She needs to go into that school, check in with the teacher and she needs to go to a few of the activities or sporting outings he's doing and just have an eye. He or her. I don't know if it's a boy yeah the boy is six years old keep an eye i mean getting to go along to the football match or the running is a great opportunity to see well how is my child interacting how are the other kids being to him lots of kids don't bother telling their parents anything because they just assume their parents will not understand yeah they don't get it they can never understand it yeah they separate the two. Yeah. But if there is a problem with friendships there, that's very tough because you just love your child so much and you want everyone to love them. And you're like, why aren't they seeing this gorgeous kid I know is there?

And the mom kind of has to take that proactiveness on herself. She has to model it. She has to set up these playdates. She's got to get her kid involved in way more activities and if they're living that bit out she's got to be prepared to host kids at her house you have to set up the playdates you have to be the proactive person if your child's in the habit of not doing it they're not going to get in the habit they need someone to force them into it definitely again though go to the teacher tell the teacher your worries you're not telling the

teacher to do anything about it you're just letting them know they're a little bit worried that maybe they're a bit lonely at school and you know maybe if you could encourage them to take part in more stuff talk and sit them with chattier children things like that so this question is the first cousin to i think my kid is being bullied in school yeah i mean that's this is a really tough area because yeah that that side of things again the route is get the teacher involved if you feel that well schools are so much better with the bullying now because they educate the children to stand up to it you know they're not just relying on the person being bullied anymore which is just horrendous or accepting that it's part and parcel of growing up.

Now all of them are told, you do not stand by and watch that happen. You stand up. And you're aware of what a bully sounds like. And if you hear yourself sounding like that,

you know that's wrong. And of course, they're still bullying. It's terrible, these poor children. But kids are better equipped, I think, now. But the friendship one is very tough.

I mean, we've just moved here to Ireland, where we're living. We don't know anyone either. We're trying our best with Mikey. He missed his friends a lot. That's why we went to England. I guess this is very close to us, this question, isn't it? I feel like our little guy is making friends, but it's slow.

It's hard to penetrate an already established friendship group. But it does happen. Yeah. It does happen. And the best advice is for that kid to just be themselves. Don't ask your kid to change. Yeah. The other thing is that this is the life skill, is it not?

This is the skill yeah that's what being in the world is you're never gonna just move through the world yeah with the same group of people unless you went to a dublin force school then went to black rock and then went to ucd and then you're pretty much gonna hang out with the same people for the rest of your life yeah that's true but realistically you are gonna move to new places yeah and have to make friends so yeah let's be honest like some people are really good at this it's like a totally natural to them some people are really envious of them do not like doing it like i think out of me and you i love meeting new people i'm more social than you naturally we know that you will not believe the energy that tina gets from meeting people right i love being i would happily sit by myself

forever that's why this mom has to model it she has to teach it just like you teach them how to walk teach them how to talk you gotta then teach them how to make friends how to be a friend what's expected of you in friendship also teeny tiny this kid isn't that old six years old well it was nicky nicky mccabe this incredible montessori teacher he's still teaching horizons montessori in temple oak when i was pregnant with mikey and i had all these notions notions about how he's never watching telly he's never doing this blah blah and she had had two children at this point and she was pregnant as well with her turd And she said to me, Tina, it's great to have ideals like them not watching telly and stuff. But she said, you know, you are isolating them in the playground the minute you do that.

And I was like, what? And she's like, well, listen in, tune your ears into these kids right now who are playing in our playground. She's like, they're talking about the cartoons they like. They're talking about the cartoons. She's like, if you... That's their world. And it was so important that someone told me that because I had had all these grand montessori notions and i was like you're so right i'd be completely alienating my child they how could they join in and of course they

all have imaginations but they that imagination is sometimes sprung from something they saw hard part for this parent and i really do my heart goes out her, is that when I was picked up from school and brought back to the countryside after the day at school, the social life of the kids at school carried on. Yeah. They were out on the green immediately afterwards. And maybe... And I was off in the middle of nowhere.

I was town mouse and you were country mouse. 100%. I hope that's some help to this. Mom, if you're in a similar situation, please get in touch and maybe we can pull the information that you've had yeah but experience you've had she has to separate her emotions a little bit from it whilst it's really hard to see your kid that way you have to take a breath and remember this is not how it's always going to be yeah this too will pass i'm taking action now i'm helping him through this we're going to work on this it's not forever well the whole part of our show the whole idea of our show is that you can tell us anything it's anonymous emailing whatever you're going through with your

kids that you need help with and tina with the 20 years of experience she has will have a strategy that can help yeah the reality is that even with that understanding there are some questions that you guys are not asking because even then it's too embarrassing to say what do i do okay if and this question the only reason i'm putting this question to tina is because i'm so everywhere i go in research for this show this question seems the only reason I'm putting this question to Tina is because everywhere I go in research for this show, this question seems to come up. This is happening. What I'm about to talk about. It is happening.

And I'm interested to know how many of our listeners have been through this. You'll probably never tell me. What do you do if your kid walks in on you having sex? Oh, no, Jar. That's impossible. How am I supposed to help with that? It's very possible. And it's happening way more than we realise.

Well, first of all, I think unless it's really spontaneous sex, you should be locking your door. You know, like, just lock the door. It's happened. These people, their kid has seen something. God knows. It might it might be that bad well you know what my answer is my answer is always tell them the truth the truth yes the full truth absolutely so when the kid is like what were you doing to mommy yeah well you don't do it when they're crying yeah when they're allow them to calm down

when they've calmed down and they don't think your father's trying to kill the mother or the partner or whoever was having sex and you tell them well grown-ups do this this is called having sex and or making love and sometimes grown-ups do it to make a baby and sometimes they just do it for the crack i mean it's great to know how you view it it's a bit of a laugh it's a bit mad isn't it because it's erratic for the crack that's all it is. Just a bit harmless crack. That's it. Well, you have to, like, unfortunately, it's probably a lot earlier than you want to explain what sex is and, you know, the birds and the bees. But you kind of have to. You've been, your hands have been forced into letting me know that.

So that's your response. Your answer is. Real talk. Sit down. Have a really honest conversation about sex with your kid. Yeah, bodily functions. What if they're too young? What if they're like so young that you don't want to explain the birds and the bees to them just yet?

Well, then they won't really know what they've seen. All they know is they've witnessed an assault. You weren't being nice. That's what they know. You could dismiss it and just be like oh no i was helping her put on her dress well if they're tiny tiny tiny i guess you'd have to but if they're anyways over three or four you'd have to be honest okay they're gonna talk about it the next concern that loads of parents have is is this gonna work my kid why would it work that

depends what they saw yes but that's why i think going with honesty because you're just then it's like oh okay as much as i didn't like what i saw that's actually something grown-ups do and they'll never want to grow up it's a very tough one isn't it yeah right the conversation is important but if they've seen something really intimate that you know maybe you didn't know they were there for a portion of time and then you realize, oh, shit, there's a child in the room. I mean, this might be something where you actually need to see a therapist. Oh, no, I don't think so. I mean, first of all, unless it's like not consensual, it's a very normal thing for grownups to do.

You have to normalize it. You can't be like, you know, the last thing you want to happen to your child is they go off worrying. Oh, my God, do I need to now become my mother or father's protector? That's why you have to be honest with them and be like this is something grown-ups do together and you children don't do it you you won't feel any of these feelings until you're well into your teenage years if you have any questions we can talk about whenever you want we're sorry you had to see it but uh this is something that mommy this is the way mommy and daddy or mommy and mommy show their love to each other and uh i guess I'm picturing the worst case scenario.

What are you picturing, Charlotte? Because you're frightening me. A lot of little ones wouldn't even know their daddy's willy goes that way. But you're totally underestimating children. I mean, we start teaching them about sex and they're in like sexual education now begins when they're three. OK, three and four year olds are learning about sex. They're learning about their bodies and their body parts. They're learning about their vulva and their penis.

OK, so don't insult them by calling it a willy. It's a penis. They know what a penis is. They have one. And they also know that daddy uses his penis. There's something inside of daddy's penis and goes into mommy, and that is how a baby's made. They're learning this now.

And why are they learning this? Because it's proven to protect them. The more aware they are of their own body parts and how that is private for them, the less likely it is they're going to let anyone invade their space. And it's hard for older people to comprehend that. I know there's a lot of shy talk in america among those republicans about we shouldn't be teaching our kids this it

actually protects them yeah they know don't go near that that's my vulva you're not that near my vagina okay and um but like you were freaking me out a bit there when you kept saying what what have they seen look i'm just saying that there's other things other than just intercourse that could be taking place. Yes. And if a kid walks in on that. Unfortunately, you're just going to have to be honest and say that, you know, mummy and daddy were playing together. Mummy puts daddy's penis in her mouth. No.

That's what I'm saying.'re just gonna think that was weird what were they doing so don't you don't have to say oh you don't have to explain that but you can just say you know if they ask any questions just deal with them as honestly as honestly as possible yeah you can let their teacher know i've had parents let me know before that their kid has seen us really yeah and if it has seen you and me yeah has seen them do it yeah but like in everything i read the the number one next step after the chat yeah is to never let it happen again and that as you said you have to prove not don't don't have sex ever again but prepare to for like really it's a failure on your part to allow that to occur.

Yeah. And you do need to make, take more precautions. I just think, don't hide anything from your children. Like, as honest as you possibly can be. Other than you having sex. Hide that at all costs. But once they've seen it don't pretend yeah respectfully as you can answer the questions as comfortably as you can i like

this because then you say to them yeah i know you saw mommy and daddy doing something very strange yeah do you have any questions about it? Yeah. Because the questions could be as simple as, what were you doing? Which you said you can answer really easily. Yeah. Some of the questions might be as simple as,

is it fun? And also, if you don't ask them and do it that way. They'll find the answer somewhere else. They will ask the nursery teacher at school. Oh, yeah. Or somebody else. And you know that happens. I it that way. They'll find the answer somewhere else. They will ask the nursery teacher at school. Oh, yeah. Or somebody else. And you know that happens. I know that happens.

Because I have been. And what do you do when you're the nursery teacher? And they go. You say, oh. I saw my mummy and daddy trying to climb over each other. You say, oh, thanks for telling me that. We'll talk about that later. I think it's a very thorough, vera, vera, thorough answer.

I think a lot of people are, vera, vera, thorough answer. I think a lot of people are going to walk away worrying about what, what Jarrod imagines children are walking in on. Well, it's not what I imagine they walk in on. It's what I've read they've walked in on. Wow. And how parents are like traumatized themselves. Will the child look at me the same way again yeah i'd actually worry more for the parents yeah because the children will just accept what you tell them

it's the parents who'd be like but if you just you know as comfortably as you can responsible responsibly is that the right word answer respectively fair enough hi tina i'm back with you with another question this is a return emailer i was only on to you before about one of my twins tummy pain and we have been doing a lot of reading of the color monster and it does seem to be helping which is fantastic news so thanks a million for that i also use loads of your tips daily with my kids. So thank you so much for the podcast. I absolutely love reading those. Why not put them up on the iTunes review section of the podcast?

But you know what, Charlotte? This week we got so many emails like that. And you know what it was about? The visual schedules. The visual schedule. So many people have started. Like a Mary Kennedy make and do. How to do your own

visual schedule for your child honestly Jarda people are saying it's changing their life they can't get over it you can go from taking an hour

to get out the door of your house and with the visual schedule it can be 10 minutes people are using them for morning but mostly

the night time routine and loads loads in the morning too but they're saying is that their child is becoming independent independent and loving it loving it and it's fun of course they do so i love that and i have to keep reminding myself of that like visually you know and also i while we're talking about the physical schedules they're not forever you have to remember that phase them out as soon as they're not needed or the child will get bored and you'll be right back to the story or reliant on them yeah phase them out the minute you see it

not really being used anymore and they're just doing it automatically super okay back to this email my question today is about our other twin boy he's really feeling all of his emotions very strongly at the moment okay we are hearing a lot of you don't like me oh i'm not your favorite you don't love me oh god i mean wow that's before we go anywhere with this you don't like my child i'm not your favorite you don't love me you can't turn around and go all of those things are true, love. How did you know? What gave me away? You are a very intuitive child. All jokes aside, this is a lot to be dealing with. God, poor woman.

I think this is coming from school, where he's desperately trying to be friends with a gang of boys. Right back to our first question. He's trying to be friends with this gang of boys who also go to the crash. And there have been a couple of incidents with this gang of boys who also go to the crash and there have been a couple of incidents with this group and other kids in school that have verged on bullying my little guy has been swept up in it at times the victim and other times part of the group that is being mean to other kids totally normal right tina but also very cool mom to be able to admit that so

many moms cannot see not my johnny yeah okay we are dealing with the school uh on these incidents and i think things are starting to settle they are after all in junior infants so i know it has been a big adjustment for them all. My question is, though, how do I deal with the you don't love me, etc.? I try not to give it too much airtime. I try to acknowledge what he's saying, reassure him, distract him, move on. Very, the right things to be doing. Yeah, that's completely the right thing. But it is not working.

I've also started having chats with him about it is Mammy and Daddy's job to say no sometimes. And sometimes we have to give out and tell him he is wrong okay so he's weaponizing these phrases when he's being told he can't have something okay smart very clever kid he also started freaking out a bit if he accidentally hurts his brother or sister and saying sorry has become something he repeats over and over and over again. I think it might be related to the above and not feeling able to regulate his emotions, particularly shame. We do a lot of reading on emotions and he's really clever, but he feels everything so deeply that then can't verbalize how he's feeling. So it's a very tricky one to manage.

verbalize how he's feeling so it's a very tricky one to manage any tips on coping or coping strategies on this would be great thanks anonymous okay well what a cool mom first of all yeah that's to be said she's all over it yeah she is she really is sounds like there's a bit of anxiety thrown into the mix there as well i think sometimes we have to accept that sometimes our children are a child that just will always feel things on a deeper level than other children. And maybe he's just one of those kids. She's already doing everything she should be doing. It is so important that she verbalizes how he's feeling, that she understands why he's feeling that way and that it's okay to feel that way. Sounds like she's already doing that. She's reading and practicing and talking about emotions all the time.

I think that what she might need to start doing, I like the way she said when he says these things, she tries to move on. I think that's a really good not giving much time or attention. But it is important that she definitely always says mommy loves you completely mommy loves you no matter what and then move on I think what she needs to start doing if she can is start just noticing things throughout the day that he is doing and say I love the way you do that that makes me so happy oh see what see what you just did i just love that

about you just little things like that when they go to bed and when he's going to bed name a few things that you loved that he did that day remind him that mommies love you no matter what and then there's that amazing debbie glory book that i can't read without crying but that is a brilliant story for children of this age remind us the name of it debbie glory no matter what it's just fabulous reminds children no matter what you do your kids are get this book that book is my favorite i just love it so much and every time i read it by the end i'm like oh my god it's such a beautiful story yeah and i mean i always think about those books at christmas time we also had a friend that wrote a book uh around time about homelessness and making your kids appreciate.

How will Santa find us? And have gratitude. By Shane O'Brien. Yeah. And these things, though, that this kid's doing. You don't love me. I'm not the favourite. Tina, it does sound a little bit like while he is feeling emotions.

a little bit like while he is feeling emotions like we saw a kid the other night do a little poor me thing to kind of get his mom yeah so is is he is he really just saying can you hug me more can you give me more yeah well that's that is what i'm encouraging the mom to do i'm encouraging her to grab moments throughout the day when he's not upset and he's not having emotions and tell him she loves him and tell him she loves this about him and give him the hugs i also think this mom has been working really hard on the other twin with the emotions and reading that book this little boy sounds very clever yeah so he's heightened his emotions i don't know if he's feeling left out but he might be being a little bit competitive with it right your man's not the only one who feels emotions i feel emotions too yeah so i would encourage her to be treat them both the same she probably is already but

just to be consciously treating them both the same in terms of their emotions and to be like uh you know whatever she's doing at one try and do with the other it's very tough i mean how does anyone but we've identified something big there the sibling rivalry will i am guessing and that's i do feel a huge responsibility when i'm not actually seeing the kids i feel bad and i'm sorry if i'm wrong on that but i do think if she catches him in moments throughout the day and before bed and reminds him the things she loves about him and the things he did today that made her happy and feel happy and just hugging him and reminding him mommy loves you no matter what that will all help and in those moments when he says you don't love me just be like mommy always loves you now come on hop off it get on with your stuff and don't give it any time like she says

yeah i mean really good i mean you probably won't even need to remind yourself to do this but if it's just part of the daily routine i'd imagine i think all parents need to remind themselves to do that we we are so quick to give out to our kids when do we take time to praise them yeah looking at you jarrett mr i'm the opposite i praise him way too much yeah i got to sit jarrett down and be like i hope that helps i think it will but like if you've got a question along those lines because i think this is some of pandemic kids like pandemic kid problems and just like all of our all of our psyche is a little bit you know kind of returning to an even keel with every it'll be weird if you didn't have some sort of reaction to what the last three years have been like we've been told to be afraid for so much of it and rightly so we needed

to be afraid we need to watch out for our children because what we could process and understand they have moved through that time and not really understood what's happened at all this was their first yeah like these were some of their first summers and they're going to have christmases there's definitely anxiety in these children that might manifest in different ways yeah but like again with this mom and just another incredible mom who gets in touch who's so on it and still thinks she's not doing enough like these moms are incredible i really love hearing from them i love the friendships i'm making from the emails they're going back and forth and uh i love doing the show and last week when we had kira taylor on like she is just amazing if you haven't listened to that episode

you have to go back and you even if you don't want to listen just follow her on instagram this woman is changing people's lives she is so understanding she is never going to tell you you're doing the wrong thing she's just going to help you get a bit of your sanity back when it comes to sleep she is completely about just embrace embracing and supporting your child and i thought she spoke a lot of sense in a very lovely way i'm literally going out the door the taxi cab is i've got my bags packed i'm off to london again to preview and prepare for this new stand-up show that i'm doing in january january 6th and now january 7th if you guys want to come along tina will be there i'll be there ticketmaster.ie

is the place to go to find tickets to see me perform my new stand-up show and get it filmed in Dublin, Jarzilla. Come along. We'd love to see as many of you there as possible. I also feel when I'm away on these trips that the pressure to come back with gifts and sometimes... That's all your own because we're forever telling you not to do that. And you are so lovely that we do love getting the gifts you bring but it is never complain when they arrive yeah i'm like quickly thinking don't undo yourself a gift on this but it is gift season yeah but i can make it a bit easier when i'm like christmas is around the corner i remember being told christmas is around

the corner in september when i'd ask for a thing and they'd go you just had your birthday and christmas was around the corner i'm like it's not even halloween i mean i've got to be with those days well i think you raise a good point though christmas is just around the corner now and things are tighter for mostly everybody this year i think there's no family that hasn't been affected maybe yeah maybe him maybe but uh we wanted to talk a little bit we've gotten a lot of questions in from parents how do i manage my kids expectations this christmas and i think you start now gently gently reminding them that christmas yeah you get presents are coming and we have to be grateful for whatever turns up. It's not, you don't, Christmas is not a time to write down a shopping list.

Sure, but. You have to get this dialogue out there. I felt for these emails because, you know, the kid is comparing. Yeah. Their Christmases from the previous one. I know. So in as much as the parents is like a new dialogue is to emerge, where they are to be grateful for whatever is under the tree.

Yes. But the previous year they got an Xbox five. Which. OK. I take that on board. But I do also think in most cases children will follow your lead. They won't reflect on last Christmas unless it goes from an Xbox. What did you say?

A PlayStation five to like a dinky. Unless there's a massive jump, they won't reflect. They'll just think, oh, this is amazing. I got these presents this year. So what's your advice? So you start this dialogue. You start the dialogue of, we don't get to write out, you know,

you can give Santa an idea. Santa is this lovely man. Explain the story of Santa and how Santa came about being this lovely man who just wanted of santa and how santa came about being this lovely man who just wanted to spoil children at christmas and go around him with these lovely wooden toys and um that the idea of santa is that you know you surprise you get this beautiful surprise for being a good boy or girl all year and trying your best and this is a lovely way of christmas morning waking up but you don't get it's not a time to request.

Tina, the difficulty here as well is that no family exists in a vacuum. And your kid is looking at the kid next door who has explicitly told Santa what he is to bring. And Santa has agreed to it. Just like the year before when he got the Lego Death Star. it just like the year before when he got the lego death star it's it's that to me is the tough side of this that when parents email in they're looking to manage the expectation of the child relative to what is feasible but then they're looking at another kid who they know was a thundering bollocks in school all year. That is the tough bit. That's the tough because that's always like,

they're like, yeah, but your man was an arsehole. How come I've been suspended? Well, there's, and sometimes there can be, what's the point? He got it anyway. What's the point? You don't want that coming out. I've always gone with that when that comes up.

I always go with, I think he's a bit of a tough guy in the street and he must be an angel for his mom that's very good jared that he must be doing something yeah behind closed doors that you're not doing got some guilt in there too yeah just well maybe i'm maybe i'm too idealistic on this christmas thing but i feel like we haven't been terrible at that and you think we have jars rolling his eyes and stay to this child's room the amount of stuff that's your fault here's the difficulty with you at christmas just when we have it all you'll go will we get him this as well and i'll be like oh for the love of god

there's the love of god had the gifts bought and now you're like will we get him this and i'm like that's that would have been enough to start with like i do think that when parents come to us with this like how do i manage the expectations we don't know let's just go there we don't know the answer is the answer is in a perfect world you try and tell your child can you just be grateful for whatever you get in the morning child can you just be grateful for whatever you get in the morning and let's just be a happy family that's happy to receive things realistically we don't know i'm sorry we don't know i think that that definitely it's no harm explaining to your kids how certain kids have very little this particular year and that many kids

won't even get turkey on christmas day because of the bird flu because of the bird but like you know what i mean like just bringing them like this is what they you do when you have somebody who's depressed we did the shoe box we did the the Christmas shoebox. And, like, Mikey is a nice child. He didn't give a F-U-C-K about it. What do you mean about it? About the concept that this was going to a child in a deprived country. Yeah. How do you know he didn't?

He didn't help me. He didn't help me make it. He didn't show any interest in it. He didn't want to know it He didn't show any Interest in it He didn't want to know Why we were sending this off Well I do think that You You know there's ways

And means of getting it across And we probably Haven't got it across there Well I think I think Well I think I think I'm just going to say

I think Ten more times And I'll just fade that out At the end of the episode Yeah I think we have Gotten across That you don't get to order your Christmas presents. That you write your letter to Santa. There's fucking grown-ups that need to hear that.

You write your letter to Santa. Oh yeah. I cannot cope when somebody gets in touch and tells me what to buy their child. Okay. Maybe we should just end it there. Sorry for being no help about the Christmas thing. I thought we were. But as I spoke, I realized, nah.

We're just, we're sinking too. It's a very tough time of the year because every behavior your kid does is under a microscope. It's under the microscope of your relations. And next week on the show, I think we might devote a full episode to what you can do to help your kids

through this period so that they don't a fucking mortify you in public at the next family gathering don't get an elf on the shelf against the elf on the shelf i mean we'll talk about all of that too next week on honey you're ruining our kid shout out to d ready i want to say a huge thanks to our emailers as always to everyone who's rated commented and subscribed to the show yeah on your podcast platforms and to all of you that have come across to patreon.com forward slash irishman abroad to get those bonus pods that we did to the lovely man we bumped into in ashburn oh that made my day man that made my day we had a complete stranger come up to us at mikey's birthday party in ashburn

to say absolutely love the pod padder o'sullivan you are more than welcome more of that thank you so much everybody tina thank you so much for doing this i'm gonna head to the airport honey you're ruining our kid is an irishman abroad podcast presented in association with go lab editing research and production by jarlet and tina regan to support the continued creation of this podcast and to hear even more irishman abroad podcasts including extra bonus episodes of honey you're ruining our kid why not consider supporting us on patreon.com forward slash Irishman Abroad today. Finally, don't forget you can come and see Jarla and Tina in person at Liberty Hall in Dublin on January 7th. Jarzilla is Jar's brand new show about life, raising kids and everything else in between. Tickets are available now from ticketmaster.ie. Don't forget to email Tina your questions on

honeyyouareruiningourkid at gmail.com because heck, let's face it, it's hard to raise kids now from Ticketmaster.ie. Don't forget to email Tina your questions on Honey, You Are Ruining Our Kid at gmail.com because heck, let's face it, it's hard to raise kids not to be gobshikes.