Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Ep 16 Un-spoiling The Spoiled Child & How To Navigate Parenting Overwhelm

Episode Date: January 9, 2023

Welcome back, Happy New Year and congratulations on surviving your kids this Christmas. In today's episode Tina and Jarlath dive into the secret struggle of most parents after the holiday season. How can we "unspoil" our children. Can we get them back to some kind of normal or has the Santa fever sent them round the twist? Is your child a runner? Do they just not listen to you? Do you worry about leaving the house so much that it’s just easier to just stay home? Tina has seen it all before and has a great strategy that will definitely help. Listen in to hear her solution and get your life outside of the house back. WARNING: In this week's episode we are reminded how tough being a Mom can be. Do you feel on your own in finding it tough? More than likely. Are you actually on your own in feeling that way? Absolutely not. Your feelings are important and your feelings are never wrong. Asking for help is essential. Taking care of yourself is a necessity. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Contact Tina on [e-mail] today with whatever is happening in your parenting life. Find us on Patreon and gain excess to exclusive extra content www.patreon.com/irishmanabroad

Hello and welcome back to Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, the post-Christmas episode with me, Jareth Regan, and me, Tina Regan. As you don't know our podcast already, it's all about helping you with this challenge of raising kids. I am a stand-up comedian and Tina is, of course, a child development expert with more than 20 years of experience in the business. Tina it's not about waving the finger is it? It's about accepting that there's a load of ways to do this and looking at the experience you have to see if you can help people who email in. Yeah there's absolutely zero judgment here and everyone does it their own way. At the end of the day, you have to deal with the future,

and I'm just here to try and help them get to that point. Well, let's get straight to question one then. Question number one comes in from a really concerned parent. She says, hi, both. We love the podcast here in my house. My son is three. He's very extroverted, high energy, funny and warm. He also can be very defiant and try to deliberately hurt others or throw toys.

He refuses to do what he's asked sometimes and tries to run off when we're in public places. Now that's a bit scary. He is very noisy and loves to be active. Up until now, we've used short timeouts, standing facing the wall for 30 to 60 seconds, accompanied by a parent, as a consequence for trying to hurt someone. But haven't really implemented other disciplinary consequences for other offences?

We occasionally try, if you do that again we won't go swimming today slash you won't get any tv time later those type of threats but we find it hard to find ones that work well for us as typically following through messes up our day we try to praise the good behaviour, which has helped him be more gentle with his younger siblings. But that is still definitely a work in progress. Sometimes he's just sneaky. Aww.

And how he hurts them. And it can be like a subtle push. Would really appreciate any advice. And how do we get the balance right between not letting our kid become bratty and bold but also having an unrealistic expectations or being too hard on him this is a big concern for loads of parents yeah it is obviously really important that he learns to do what he's told but also he's only three it It's the tough bit. My sense is that we need to tighten up on the timeouts and make the ground rules really clear to him and hold him firm.

But it's just hard to know exactly where to start with that. A brilliant email because, let's face it, Tina, so many people are in this boat after Christmas. Yeah. And they are just, they've just come from topsy-turvy land, haven't they? Yeah, they have. And you know what I love about this email? The way she describes her child.

Like, that is my favorite type of child. Those are the kids I love working with because they're just full of sass, full of energy, full of happiness, full of life. And it's hard to parent those kids. I mean, you get to enjoy them when they're not your own children but it's hard to parent those kids and this guy is doing a lot of things that you know are causing that mom concern i mean she mentioned i think the most dangerous behavior any child can do is the running running away in public running away in public it's just not safe and that is just heartache for the mom and it's just stress every time you leave the house you

can't trust your child yeah and more often than not you go we won't leave yeah well yeah and i mean you limit your activities because you're so afraid what he might do now she has a younger child too so it's not like she's just available to be completely on this kid the whole time and um i was remembering while you were reading that out that we had a runner too mike used to run off and we had to bring in the harness do you remember and it was like i was so embarrassed to have to use the harness but i was like i have no option and really as a parent you have to think my responsibility is to keep you safe And it's actually okay to say that to your child. It's okay to say, my job is to keep you safe.

I cannot keep you safe if you don't do what you're told. That's why you have to listen. Explain the harness for those that don't know. The harness is... It sounds like some sort of sex toy. Oh my God. Get the harness out, darling. Oh, I know.

It's Saturday night. Well, there's a few different versions isn't there because some of them are bags you put a backpack on your child and they think they're wearing a backpack but really they're on a lead so it's reins or a lead yeah kid and people have issues with those bags didn't work for us because then you yoink you end up yoinking your child a lot which is awful because when they run they run fast and you end up yoinking them back and they're like and you just look like an awful parent who's totally out of control but i actually love the harness because with the harness the child normally hates wearing them like he hated it that's demeaning so it's enough to just show them i'm bringing it don't make me tap the harness

no but i'm bringing this and i'm telling you right now if you run off the harness goes on because i can't trust you but if you hold off the harness goes on because I can't trust you but if you hold my hand and do what you're told you don't need to wear it I kind of can't believe that you're recommending the harness but I guess it's the extreme but is it that is an extreme behavior it is dangerous it is day you have to be able to trust your child I mean in the classroom we say that all the time anytime we're going on a school trip I mean, in the classroom, we say that all the time. Anytime we're going on a school trip, I mean, think about it. Thirty three year olds bringing them to the farm. Thirty three.

Oh. Thirty three year olds. Did I say it like that? My big. My God. I don't. I remember being thirty three. You're so mean.

It's a very difficult age for a lot of Irish people. You know. Thirty three year olds when you're working in England. I just don't hear myself saying not saying my ths but when i was working in england you also had a speech impediment as a kid didn't you well that you overcame yeah i didn't have a th but like that's part of it i grew up in navin i grew up in navin that's my speech that itself is an impediment yeah that's my speech impediment but um you're you're taking 33 year olds for a day out i have no idea how you're doing

you have to have a circle about how we're putting a lot of trust and faith in you guys and if you run off that's it you know you can't come so for weeks you have to practice bringing them for walks around the schoolyard and you know around the building and just building that trust and knowledge of you don't let go of our hands you stay in the group i mean the poor mom but there's a lot more going on here yeah let's get back to the email right specifically yeah because what she's describing is a really spirited kid who she loves he sounds so much fun just a bit of crack he sounds great fun he does but there's a few behaviors that are causing her concern and it like i love the fact that she's talking about ground rules definitely she needs to pick what are the rules in the house and she does need to stick to them.

It is very funny when she said how, you know, the follow through isn't good because they're putting the consequences or things they don't want to follow through on themselves. And that's something we all have to learn as parents. Achievable consequences are so important. Keep it small. As long as you follow through on it, the kid has learned their lesson. keep it small as long as you follow through on it the kid has learned their lesson and hopefully the next time warning them and reminding them remember the last time now when i gave you a warning you didn't listen and then we had to do it that can be enough yeah with the consequence though you have to no matter what they've done you got to come down to their level and give them a

chance you got to give them a warning and say that is not okay what you did here's what's going to happen yeah if you do it again i'm going to give you a chance because mommy loves you and i trust you but if you choose to do that again then you are going to have to have this happen i really believe the warning is important because that can first of all the kids kind of shout oh my god i'm not actually in trouble i'm just being told couple you know yeah and so i think i love that it's really fair what's not fair is putting a three-year-old on a timeout i hate to say it because i know she's using that technique and i don't want to judge her for it but i'm so against timeouts i just don't like them for children under the age of six they don't know why they're there

they've completely forgotten they're sitting on the set going, I wish I could remember why I'm in trouble. And if they're accompanied by a parent. I think the accompanying by a parent just means it's even extra confusing. It's more attention. Because they must be so worrying because they must be thinking,

this is so weird that my parent has to stay with me because they're not sure about it either. You know? So you're against timeouts. I just don't like time at all devil's advocate here my head at christmas okay and just keeping an eye on where people are at right now yeah probably listening to this the first chance they've got the kids have come back to school and they're breathing out and they've probably thought yeah i had to do a few timeouts oh i would never do option i would never judge a person for doing it come on jar i've done a timeout with mikey not when he was small yeah but i i think after six they can comprehend what

it is but i would never judge a mother for putting i just think they're useless i just think that child does not know why they're there. They're useless. And actually, they cause so much upsetment. Even in terms of just putting a full stop on the end of whatever the hell has just gone down. A much better tool is just distraction. Much better tool. If your child is doing something and they're only three years old and you need to get them to change their state and stop it much easier option give them a sponge with suds in it and say wipe the table give them a you're looking at me like i'm crazy but this works give them a sweeping brush

and say i really need your help sweeping the floor give them a mash and the you know let them bang it off the wall outside and get the dust out give them a mash and the you know let them bang it off the wall outside and get the dust out give them a job distract them with an activity a job as something that's purposeful so they're actually helping you like empty the dishwasher put these glasses away just distract them with something putting a child who's doing something really crazy and something that they were told not to do and they're only three years old you put a wet sponge in their hand and ask them to wash the table they're going to be laughing and smiling and happy two minutes later and when they finish the activity you are going to be able to sit down with a calm three-year-old and talk

about why it was unacceptable what they did without avoiding the massive tantrum let me throw this at you Tina this is a great answer and I hope it's helping well I'm sure it sounds impossible but it does work is it possible that some of the behaviors that they're seeing with this three-year-old were cute when they were two yeah but also there's a baby now so they don't have as much time to enjoy these kind of rascally behaviors sure but what my point is is that don't we all as parents have to think when it comes to behaviors that we kind of giggle at into our sleeve that our kid is doing because it's so cute yeah we have to kind of pull back and go

is this going to be cute in two years time that's hard to do at the time though also it's a really it's a really tough time for a child this age three two and three they're in this really sensitive period of needing things done a certain way in montessori we call it a sensitive period of order but it's really true they need they'll often have tantrums about you know where putting their coat on or and their books not being the way they like them or my bag's not supposed to be what's that about what tell me about the theory of that what is it that you're saying that there's a period in a child's life when they're more sensitive to the order of things yeah they're more sensitive let me see they're more sensitive to how they think things should be and this is a recognized theory

yeah and how it makes sense to them there is a passage in marie montessori's book because when she used to observe all these children and trying to figure out her her method where a child is with his mom and he is having this complete meltdown and the mom cannot figure it out and marie montessori is watching them and then she realizes oh i know what it is the mom was walking but carrying her coat over her arm but to the child at that age coats go on coats you need to wear them yeah and and when this marie montsori approached this mother and said put the coat on and see what happens and the child was fine it just it's very hard as a parent to understand but they have this

unbelievable desire for things to be perfect and it's also why a lot of parents because we're so aware of autism now see their kids lining up cars and doing you know grading their pencils and color and they're worried but actually it's it's quite normal for your child to want things a certain way in this age so it's also why they can be very unreasonable i know our opinion yeah that's the thing you can just be like you're being a little tool oh yeah the bananas are going in the bowl with the oranges yeah do you like it or not it's why they can be and we're think they're unreasonable but for them they're just like oh this doesn't make sense you know tina you have gotten back to this mom as you do on all of the emails i say this all the time honey you're ruining our

kid at gmail.com is the way to contact the show and tina will always get back to you with a strategy and if it doesn't work you come back to her she'll come back to you again and what i said to this mom was this child needs more warning i say this all this time all the time he just needs to know what's coming i told her about the now and next approach or this and then yeah and i said to her you just need to explain what the day is going to be and when you're going somewhere tell him what's expected of him i told her your ground rules brilliant get them clear between your husband stay on the same page. Maybe drop the timeouts. But if they're working for them, keep them.

As long as it's not causing too much anxiety. I said about the harness, you've got to wear that. That's just not safe. And I also told her as well to talk about feelings more and what's acceptable behavior and what isn't. And hopefully it's a bit of a help to her. But I also told her not to worry too much he just sounds like a lot of three-year-olds i've seen and it's hard yeah and if we're gonna finish up this question around the the the outro from christmas parents start panic we've spoiled them over

christmas we're trying to row it all back and they start to go we're not doing it next year yeah and i'll never make that mistake again yeah that's some parents feel really taken for granted it's an understandably it's a hard one to juggle really because you're giving them everything you want loads of praise and you want loads of gratitude. Sometimes they don't know that you have done so much for them. Yeah, they think they've earned it for themselves and there's someone else that they need to be grateful to. They also are really smart and they're thinking, well, I wasn't actually that good.

Well, this might be the most asked question that we received over this past weekend. I was filming my new stand-up special Jarzilla in Liberty Hall Theatre. It was fantastic. Thank you, everybody who came along. It was so much fun. Loads of people coming up asking actually to our faces, what do we do now that we've spoiled our kid? Oh, my God. I was not expecting it.

I was not. It was the funniest bit of the weekend i have a weekend of all jokes but the funniest bit of the weekend was your inability to accept that people were coming up and saying i love your podcast to team it yeah i love it i lap it i'm like keep going tell me more positive things about me i was i didn't know what to say someone asked to take their picture with me and i said i was like are you taking a piss and a me and they were like no and then it was so awkward i said i was like why would you it's a really good sign yeah well i'm very grateful oh my god i was so grateful i just wasn't expecting it yeah you also kind of and the

first time it happens you don't know what to say you're like good thanks yeah and you know what happened to me though jared i'm trying to remember things i've said on the book i'm like oh my god what have i said these people know so much about me yeah you do have an issue with your short-term memory though yeah i do yeah and i do that's why we've been going out for so long well Well, we always joke about that, but people are always like, how do you guys do it? And I'm like, well, I don't remember half the stuff we do. So it works out great. Funny, when you said that now and next stuff in the beginning of the show, I was like, this sounds a lot like our relationship. Char, if you do that again, I'm giving you a warning now.

Do that again. There's going to be no basketball for the rest of the week. And then I go and soak in my room for a bit. How do you unspoil your kid? Yeah, this is what people kept asking. Like lots of people kept coming up saying how, first of all, Jarla had done a joke about surviving Christmas. Yeah.

So everyone had related to that. Yeah. And I feel like when the show was over, they were like, oh, Tina's here. Maybe we can ask her for help. But isn't it so funny that it was, well, it was nice that people were able to come up directly and ask it. Yeah, it was lovely. I'm not going to, it was lovely.

I was just, I was just so surprised. Don't worry about it. I think it's, it's pretty normal. We're only 15 episodes into this, this thing. And it's great to have topped the charts at Christmas. Thanks to you guys. That was so cool. Actually cool actually i was so happy that made me so happy way happier than i should have so thank you guys so much and then and meeting these people who listen to the show we've got the nicest listeners ever even if you were like are you taking the business yeah i'm worried that

i might have offended you didn't right you then sat down after that and actually wrote down the strategies that you've seen over the years of working with kids that can bring them back from the edge of this. Yeah. And also. Ratty, selfish, I'm the king of the world scenario that they find themselves in. And what's really interesting is that everyone seems to be talking about this right now. Okay. really interesting is that everyone seems to be talking about this right now okay there are so many articles written like in the last week about actually the detrimental effects of how spoiling your child can turn your children into these just awful monsters i was reading them going oh my god

this is just this is a lot but then i was like yeah i mean they said that the i have a list here of what it says a checklist of how to know if your child is completely scared. Let's go through these as he loosens his collar. Well, the number one, we all know this one. Your child does not respect you. The second one, blames others for his own mistakes. I think that's a really scary one because you kind of take that one as you don't worry about that one too much. Doesn't take no for an answer.

Yeah, that would be. That's clear to me. Your child doesn't respect you. They don't listen to what you've told you. I have something to add to this when we get through this. Okay. Go ahead. Has an insatiable appetite for everything he fancies.

Okay, so never happy with what he has or she has. Always more. Always wanting more. Okay, that's, yeah. Throw tantrums too often. Yeah. Like, how is that even in the list? I think any tantrums

affect that. Well, I don't know. Some, like, you can't, no child is perfect. That's just because you throw tantrums. Sorry, that's a terrible laugh. Don't come aloud. Charm, aloud one tantrum a week.

What? I do not throw tantrums. You don't. But like I don't think tantrums are acceptable at all. No, but I mean. It throws too many tantrums. Like you shouldn't allow your kid to be throwing things on the ground and screaming. Your child can't be perfect.

They're learning. They're in a state of learning. Of course they're going to have the odd tantrum. Instructs you on how to do things. That's a real sassy child. Kind of no all no all yeah acutely insensitive to other people's needs and emotions right so lack of empathy this is all from getting too many presents at Christmas. Holy shit. Sharing is not in their vocabulary.

I can think of a few kids like that. What was the one you wanted to add? There isn't fear. You don't want your kid fearing you. But there has to be a certain element of, I better not do that or my mom will kill me. As much as we lived in fear of whether it was the wooden spoon or being sent to your room or being humiliated are parents in mind humiliating their friends oh my gosh that like no but the fear element it's i wanted to put that to you because

you definitely don't want to rule with an iron fist but the consequences have to be real but that's why consequences have to be consistent your child's not going to fear your jar charlotte reagan when you don't see true the consequences that you do i don't think you do it all the time no when have i what and what kind of threats are we talking about that i make that are idle all of them like you know the way you when you do it no this is a classic argument between me and tina give me a specific example i don't uh all the time it's usually the other way this is this is like in the stereotype of the gender roles here it's usually and she's able to pull up some example from six months ago.

You're always the one, you're like, I don't have specific examples, but it's all the time. No, it's not all the time, but sometimes you can say something and then it's so obvious you're not, that's not going to happen. And he knows well that he's not going to really do that. I think it's a fair cop. What I think is really frightening is that when you called me on this, the impact of it is immediate. You only have to do it once. Yeah.

Not follow through once. And he's like, this guy, he's not the cops. Yeah, because Mikey does follow through for me. Yeah. Yeah, he does. But I don't think it should be fear of the mom or dad it needs to be fear of the consequence definitely okay right so you have your checklist what what is the way out of this tina we've got our kids spoiled rotten post christmas well you know what the the good news is it's all really reasonable advice just you know start modeling the behavior you want your child to do you know if they don't know how to share start showing them how to share involve them in things

that make them have to share their stuff get them you know so doing random acts of kindness okay you know if they've got an auntie somewhere they haven't seen in a long time write them a letter and send them a card right if they've got clothes in their room that they no longer wear we're going to share them with you can use them get them thinking about outside of themselves this is great yeah getting better at taking compliments also if it is as bad as this you kind of have to go to your family members or people that that child is seeing a lot like the teacher and tell them that you're concerned that your child is acting quite entitled and that you're going to need them on board with how you're going to be treating that behavior from now on okay and that if you see

if they see you trying to deal with it they to leave you to it now this is a solid piece of advice but one that a lot of people are going to be reluctant to do because if you go through your but that's if it's drastic i think if i went to my mother and said listen, Mikey's being an absolute arse. Mikey will kill us. And she goes, like, there'll be a little bit of, oh, we thought he was a great lad. Trouble and peril. Yeah. Yeah.

But, Charlotte, if it's as bad as this, everybody already knows Mikey's an arse. Like, Mikey's not an arse but i'm saying let's use a different your child jeremiah in this way is that a good name jeremiah if jeremiah is acting this way he sounds like an arse if jeremiah is acting this way jerry it's not a surprise to any of the people you're going to okay they're they're grateful they're like phew they're finally doing something about this well yeah or maybe you don't have to say he's being an arse you can just go look we're trying to clamp down on some stuff with you you never lead with he's being an arse that's i was never condoning that it's not a technical montessori term during the arse phase of the child's development okay that's number one

yeah well that's number two that's number two i wasn't listening to number three be consistent you gotta just be consistent get you and your partner on the same page make sure your child knows you're on the same page and you know set reminders in your phone if you have to sometimes i've had to do that but the consistency is what's gotten you to this place in my inconsistency inconsistency over christmas where it's like well you don't have to go to bed at that time really we're all going to stay up and watch this this is the point restoring the consistency might involve what putting up a timetable timetable visual timetable is brilliant uh or just you know a timetable if they can read so what would you call that a literal schedule a schedule okay sorry i'm like visualist pictures what yeah that's just a normal time table or it's an absolutely brilliant time to get them all to

have their own visual calendar in their room it's january this is great it's a new year loved an organizer yeah an organizer god i can't think of any of my words that's becauseuary this is great it's a new year loved an organizer yeah an organizer god i can't think of any of my words that's because i was at jarlett's show for the last two nights and normally i'm well asleep in my bed by nine o'clock and i've been out till one and i don't know what's happening to my to you. Okay. Yeah, be consistent, right? Set your rules. Achievable.

Four is always a good number, I think. Five just sounds too many to a kid. Before they're like, at least it's not five. Four what? Four rules in your head. Be consistent with them. Yeah, and just. What is expected behavior?

What are, you know, put them on the fridge. Yeah. You know, and then as they become normal know put them on the fridge yeah you know and then as they become normal take them off the fridge what's mad about a lot of these advice that you give to you like it's very simple oh it's so simple but it's not like your whole family needs to remove all this stuff it's so simple and it's not negative it's just very reasonable and take one evening i loved her we all it sounds simple but we all forget even i forget sometimes and then that's why this show is actually great for me because i'm like i'm reminding myself of everything i would do in the classroom sometimes you know you know i'm not always that consistent at home as i would be in the classroom when you're like Tina you told me

not to react when he does that and I'm like oh no I forgot it's all worry based isn't it every everything that we're hearing from parents yeah they're worried it's always who is he gonna who is she gonna turn into who are they gonna be as a grown-up we all are saddled with that worry definitely the other thing about doing this and how many more do we have to go here just two more two more to go but before we get to the other two january is a tough month so the reluctance some parents to introduce what you were saying here is they're having a tough as the decorations are down it's tough now this this will be the right track though this is the thing it's like sometimes yeah there can be a

screw the world what was it all for with kids in january because it's like maybe they weren't spoiled and they just felt feck this i was really good and i didn't get what i wanted and now it's just back to school and we go again i certainly had some existential angst in that way in january and look having a schedule and an idea that we're gonna work for this and then we've got the holiday in february we've got that to look forward to i did think putting things on the horizon yes to give things a direction something to look forward yeah yeah i love that you are the one who's taught me that i used to very much i'm very what was it my friend nula tully used to say to me i'm so easily pleased because i wake up every morning i'm quite happy thing for a friend but it's true i'm not i'm not being mean she met me

at the time no not yet now there you go but i do tend to just like when you used to tell me how how difficult you found going back to school or the summer holidays being over and i'd be like well sure like that's just life and i'd be happy enough to just do the next day but actually you have helped me with the whole scheduling and the rosters and knowing what's coming and the focus and what something to look forward to has been really good so i would definitely recommend that this number four stop buying your kids stuff just stop and i'm saying that to myself jara's looking at me like tina you never stop buying you're a whore for zara i love buying mikey clothes that he doesn't even he doesn't even care about the clothes they're so look this has to be mentioned clothes for young lads oh it's terrible like i want there's a certain point where they decide uh i guess all boys are going to wear

track suits for now for until they're 21 like i'm screwed when mikey is 13 he will no longer fit in sour clothes where am i going to go for him in those in-between years shop the way he's growing anyway okay sorry this is me worrying stop buying them stuff like it is a it's probably an easy thing when you consider how bloody tight things are yeah and but stop buying them stuff is like it is a it's probably an easy thing when you consider how bloody tight things are yeah and but stop buying them stuff but give them pocket money and now when they want things they save have your pocket money and they get an appreciation of money i don't think we're teaching our kids about money as much as we used to and it's so dangerous for them not to value how much pocket money did you get when i was a kid i didn't really

ever get pocket money my parents were very generous so if i needed anything i got it but like i hadn't i had a job by the time i was 11 and tommy's mini market getting paid 20p an hour kill him at life stuff put that away let them have the opportunity to get some money and say and you know build up to something and then appreciate it. Gotcha. I'm saying this completely to myself, too. I know that. Okay, final one.

Number five. Number five, ignoring the undesirable behavior. And praising the good stuff? Always praising the good stuff. We don't do that, you know. No, we don't. As people see it all the time all parents all the time i mean and then they wonder why is my kid like sometimes you'll hear parents go they i feel like they want me to shout at them they do because they want you to get

down to their level look at them and shed in their face if you get down to their level and praise them they're going to start seeking that out more too all they want is your focus all they want is to think god look at this i'm getting so much attention from my parents so instead of shouting try and ignore and when you see them doing something good get down to the level and go great do you feel like sometimes you have two kids all the time sorry is that okay say that all the time all the time all the time all the time uh 2023 we're off and running in 2023 and i feel like it's going to be a huge year for honey you're ruining our kid we have so many great things planned for the show it's very exciting we want to hear from you. We want to hear

from you though. We want to hear the topics that you want covered and see the areas that you'd like us to go into. Maybe you don't have a question specifically on it, but there's a subject you want addressed. We have the address book out. We are well able to track down the guests that you might want to hear on the show. Or maybe there's just theme that you're after, that you're just, you can't reveal why you're asking. But you want to know about it. Honey, you're ruining our kid at gmail.com. Tina, here's my question for you. Okay. What was the hardest part of Christmas for you in terms of being the parent you want to be?

I hate... I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours. Okay, but I... You hate having questions sprung on you. I do. I hate it. For me, the hardest part of the Christmas, I guess, if I think about it, I found the same stress as a lot of people I'd gotten in touch with before.

if I think about it, I found the same stress as a lot of people I've gotten in touch with before. Trying not to interfere when you saw other parents being bat-chick. At different parties and stuff we were at. And just trying to be like oh cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. So you just let

your two-year-old remind themselves at the party. Oh yeah. That's cool. That's totally cool. Oh, no, that fire has no fire guard on it. But you sure, you know,

this is how they learn. Okay, okay, okay. I've gotten good at closing my eyes on that stuff. I'll tell you right now what the hardest part for me was. The hardest part for me this Christmas

was watching adults be pig ignorant to children. What? Watching other adults being inconsiderate to kids. Right. And I wanted to be like, you get that's a child, right? You get that what you're doing. Like, I found it very hard not to go,

are you aware that that's impacting that child the way you're acting right now and it's a darker answer okay but it's like i wanted to grab someone by the lapels at one point this just to be clear because like a lot of our media family do listen to the show this was not at one of those christmasners, anything like that. Before I get in big trouble. No, no, no, no. This was at a gathering, definitely. And I know what you're talking about. And yes, I can't believe I forgot that.

That is my memory again. Yeah, watching that was hard. Definitely. Because you know what it is when you watch a an a grown up be cruel to a child well what you're talking about or kind of they have an axe to grind

with you I find it shocking and they take it out on your child yeah that is what you're talking about that's what I'm talking about you're talking about a grown up

who doesn't like you and they took it out on your child and they directed at your kid and I was so shocked by that behaviour I nearly I actually nearly vomited

I was quivering with rage yeah yeah no that was how do I move by these things so fast I don't I don't know well it's

it's a skill because deleting that stuff from your short term memory is something I wish I could do yeah but I can't unsee it it's not great though

because then I'll just remember it all of a sudden I'll be really sad again and then you'll punch me or something who would never do that yes that was really... And if anyone has...

I don't know if we'll ever get over that. I don't think there's a way of... Like, this is why Christmas is a challenge. But what was tough about that was our child was so confused. Yeah, he felt the rejection too. And we had to then... Me and Charlotte had to go, well jarlett had to go well what do we do here because obviously we have never explained to our child he'd never known what

it was like to have somebody not like you for nothing you've done yeah and we had to go to honesty and just explain to him why that happened and that we were sorry it happened and unfortunately there are some grown-ups who are pig ignorant. There's an episode of The Simpsons where a zookeeper is trying to explain to Bart that some people are just buttheads. And some people are just buttheads. And you can't pretend to your child that everyone's a nice person. They're not. Or they've got their own stuff going on. In so many ways, when we talk to kids about bullies we're going yeah well

that's awful there's a terrible behaviour but there's probably something underneath that I would really like to hear from people because I would really like people to get in touch

about this has this happened to you who who would do this oh I think grown ups do it I think grown ups when they don't like a parent

they take it out on the kid no oh yeah I just can't fathom that. Think about it. It's just awful. It's just horrible.

Well, we've seen it on the sidelines of football matches. Yeah, but that's different. Like, this was proper. Ah, yeah. Yeah. No, it crossed a line, all right. One of the tougher memories this Christmas, I would have to say. Well, not so much for me.

But you've done a brilliant job of deleting it, Tina. So maybe that's your advice on this. Be like me. Completely forget it happened. I just heard you on News Talk. I don't need advice on anything specific. I just feel really lost. I have a 13 month old and I'm 13 weeks pregnant. I'm not coping. One, feeling like I'm drowning and think I'll go fully insane with two. House is upside down. I'm crying constantly. I can't get into the Christmas spirit. I just feel so depressed. I'm making my husband miserable too. I just can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. My baby cries so much and I think it's probably my fault. I just feel like I'm a terrible mother. Please help. Tina, how do you answer an

email like that? Well, straight away was what I did because I thought, oh my God, this poor woman. I felt really happy that she had reached out because she does sound like she's in a terrible place. And I think it's really important for all of us to remember that if anyone opens up to you like this, you've got to get them to go to the doctor.

Which is what I told her to do. I advised her to go to her GP and just tell him or her everything she's just told me i also said you're completely not on your own with these feelings like women are thankfully talking speaking more about how horrific you feel as a mom a, it's not all rainbows and sunshine lollipops. Oh, yeah. And you're told.

Yeah. You may feel like a bad person for not being in the throes of bliss. I think it's much more normal reaction if you have a 13 month old child and you find out you're pregnant. I think it's much more to feel normal to feel complete overwhelm. I think her feelings are valid and normal but she's she's saying it herself she's really overwhelmed and I feel like you gotta reach out and get the help the reason I feel comfortable saying that is because we obviously struggled to I was never supposed to get pregnant we got very lucky we got pregnant with mike and it was a horrific pregnancy i lived in the rotunda very lucky we got to have mikey he then

had a very tricky birth he was very sick we were in a hospital still very lucky all the time now unlike this person i did not get sad felt, which was confusing to me. You got something else. I got really... Post-traumatic stress. Yeah, but I didn't know it. I didn't know it at all. And what I had was, I thought my wound was infected.

The pain in my stomach was so bad. And I couldn't do anything about it until I fixed Mikey first and had him safe. And it was so weird because when I went to the doctor about it finally, and I took real courage because I thought, you're the whole time going, everyone's going to think I don't know what I'm doing. You don't know what you're doing. Fine.

You don't know what you're doing. It's okay to not know what you're doing. I went to the doctor and he was like, there's nothing wrong with you. You're just anxious. This is anxiety. You're afraid. I was like, whatever.

There's no way pain can feel like that and it's anxiety. But he gave me tablets. And I could not believe how this fear around your baby and this overwhelm could manifest like that and when I took the tablet I always feel like it was like clouds came away from my eyes or over my body I felt like it's really weird feeling but I felt like I definitely was so grateful I got the help what if I kept struggling who knows what would happen so i don't know what i'm trying to what i'm trying to say is if somebody reaches out to you like this convince them to get the help because they will it will help whatever the

doctor does to recalibrate the chemicals in your body all these hormones it's okay to get that help it doesn't mean you're a bad mom it's okay to feel the way she's feeling and this is why i did a post the other day about mom friends and community you need other people who are going through the same thing as you you need to know you're not the only person whose baby won't stop crying. You are not the only person whose baby won't stop. You need to reach out. It's never too late. There are so many different things to do. Just turn up. Just talk. Just introduce yourself. Meet these people. I mean it happens very naturally when they start going to nursery or Montessori but go out and do the things first. Go do baby massage. but go out and do the things first.

Go do baby massage. Go do all these baby yoga classes. And if you can't do that send me as many emails as you need to because I will be there and I will help you. And you will help them find those groups. Find the groups. This advice is so important in January which we all know is the toughest month of the year mentally.

I think this advice goes all the way. I think that this isn't just a baby advice. Because even when we went to England, we spent way too long by ourselves. Way too long. And I feel like that's why I'm really pushing it. Because I've learned from my own mistakes. The second you found your community.

The second I found a community of mothers, I'm a much happier person. Because you're not alone anymore. Somebody you can tell. There's someone you can go complain about your kids to and laugh about it together and be like, why are they doing all these things, you know? Well, I'm delighted that we can be that for people on some level too. You got in touch with this mom. You have been in touch. I've been in touch with her a few times and I've told her, get in touch with me, whatever it is with the baby.

Why is the baby crying? What's happening? We'll try and figure it out. How's she doing now? Well, the last time we spoke, I was still encouraging her to go to a doctor. And she said she was going to do that. I haven't heard from her yet with any of the actual behaviors of the baby and what she needs help with there. But I was saying to her you need to

focus on yourself and get yourself to a better place for it but i hope that i i hope that you know i really hope we get to a point where no mom feels guilty for feelings when they have a beautiful baby these are just emotions and the same way we're trying to teach your child your emotions are valid it is okay to be sad sometimes. They're never wrong. They're just your feelings. They can't be wrong. Those are your feelings.

We need to learn how to manage them better. Love it. That is our show for this week. Tina, thank you so much for doing this. It's so good to be back, 2023. And I really would love you to read this email out because it's such a positive start to the year. And it refers to maybe your biggest success,

the technique that you suggested this last year. I can't claim that technique. It definitely passed on to be by another lovely mother, but definitely worked for us. And I'm happy to keep passing it out there. It is a lovely email. I'm always really happy when parents get back to me and it's really great when you feel like okay they yeah but those are they're

doing it. You know you're so happy for them and this lady said that she just wanted to say happy new year and she wanted to start off the year for us on a very positive note and to let us know that the DIY dinners has now evolved into one dinner sit down for all of them and they're all trying all the things on the table i get so excited hearing this because i just know that means so much of this woman's stress you're taking away from her day she said even the gravy in the side bowl by the end of the meal they're mixing it up with everything i mean that is massive she was like i've been in touch before you heard my kids were the kids who wouldn't allow food touch other food

on the plate now we're even going out for family dinners they're ordering from the menu and they're trying food off my plate while i eat i mean she sent me a photo which obviously i can't share but i know this woman is just so relieved and i i relate to it because i remember the only reason i know about this idea is because our own child was such a fussy eater he had a nightmare nightmare and a beautiful mother told me about this and it it's like it's hard to explain i say tapas because you basically put all the food separately in bowls and you give them the empty plate and they're just choosing and what you're trying to do is take the pressure off food

do you know take you're not in charge down they you're in charge they think they're in charge they're not in charge and they're trying everything and when there's no stress they actually will try everything and the meals look the same every night because it's displayed the same but you're offering different foods all the time. And gradually, gradually, you just take that away. That goes away, yeah. And you just plate it up. And it works.

And it's brilliant. And it changed our life. And that is not the only person to get in touch about it. So it's not my idea. I can't claim it. It was passed on to me. But it did change my life too. So I'm so happy when she got in touch. I can't claim it. It was passed on to me, but it did change my life too. So I'm so happy when she got in touch.

It was really thrilled. And I was also really happy to be the number one parenting podcast. Take that, Amy. We'll be back next week with more Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, but please do get in touch. Tina, thanks so much for this.

Thank you, Gerard. I loved it. Talk to you next week, Tina. I won't talk to you between now and then. Promise, Tina. Thanks so much for this. Thank you, Jarrett. I loved it. Talk to you next week, Tina. I won't talk to you between now and then. Promise. Promise. Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid is an Irishman Abroad podcast presented in association with Go Loud. Editing, research and production by Jarlath and Tina Regan. Find us on patreon.com forward slash Irishman Abroad today. Don't forget to email Tina your questions on Honey,

You're Ruining Our Kid at gmail.com because, hey, in all fairness, it's hard to raise kids not to be gobshikes.