Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Ep 17 Biters, Clingers & Kids That Won't Change Clothes!

Episode Date: January 16, 2023

Is your child super clingy? If you're wondering how you can you survive this super dependent stage, today's episode is for you. This week Tina calls upon all of her experience working with extreme childhood behaviours to help our emailers who feel overwhelmed by what their kids are throwing at them. Clinging to you is hard to manage but what do you do if your child is clinging to their clothes? We hear about a child that refuses to get dressed? Are you pulling your hair out while trying to pull their clothes off? How can you tackle the getting dressed battle and preserve your sanity? Jar and Tina have an exciting announcement to make and we hear from a Mom who can't get her child to stop biting. Tina knows how to help and provides a set of steps for anyone in this situation. If you live in fear of when your child might use their teeth to hurt someone, you will need to hear this. Is there hope for your little biting cutie pie? Of course there is. You are not alone, this is a common behaviour and easily helped. Listen in to hear how you can help your child no longer feel the need to bite! Make sure to email us on [e-mail] or find us on www.patreon.com/irishmanabroad.

You're very welcome to episode 17 of Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, the parenting podcast, the no judgment parenting podcast from the Irishman Abroad Podcast Network. I am Charlotte Regan, my co-host, Tina Regan is here beside me. Tina, fresh off the radio with Pat Kenny, that I'm not going to continually do the Pat Kenny impression, but Tina, you're brilliant on the radio and welcome to everybody who heard you and has now come on board. What have we got on the show today? Well, firstly, I love being on the Pat Kenny show. Pat is so fabulous and thank you to everyone who's been in touch. And today we are talking about

clingy children, children who refuse to get dressed and the biters. Clingy children, the biters and those pesky kids that refuse to get dressed. It's here, today, on Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid. Our two and a half year old boy is a nightmare to get dressed. Putting on clothes in the morning and pyjamas at night has become a big ordeal.

Daddy can usually plumb awesome into it fairly painlessly. But Mammy, more often than not, resorts to forcing him into his clothes, which results in a tantrum and is kind of upsetting for both of us. We've tried lots of things, cajoling, incentivizing, distracting, pretending, not to care and saying, you come to me when you're ready to get dressed, etc. No avail. Often we end up just leaving him in what he's in at night. Oh my god, so he goes to bed in his actual day clothes. But he's still in nappies, so there's always a bit of dressing and undressing that has to be done. It doesn't seem to be about picking his own clothes, because even when he picks his

own clothes or his pyjamas, he then changes his mind at the last second and starts shouting, not that one, or whatever. The question then is twofold. Firstly, is it okay to force a child to get dressed when all other methods have failed? And then, also, any tips on how to deal with the whole issue in general? Many. Thanks. Tina, I'd imagine that you've seen this before. Oh, yeah.

Lots. So much. But it is interesting to hear that they have tried a few different techniques and you know what's it about though like why do kids why are they weird about this well

there's just so many reasons I mean I do love that she used the word plumb off in her email there I love that word and I also like that she asked is it okay to force them

to get dressed of course as long as you're not forcibly hurting them but sometimes you just have to you know get their arms into those jumpers and legs into those. If you won't dress yourself, I will dress you. Yeah. Like they need to, like these are, they have to get dressed.

So unfortunately, sometimes you just have to see it through. But. That is not an untraumatic event. No, I mean, I imagine trying to get a little two and a half year old head through the hole up to jump. It's not fun for anyone. But in moments when you end up having to parent that way, the only way to get through it without it being too traumatic is to stay calm, stay quiet. Don't talk. Don't talk to the child when you're doing it

pop those arms in there hold them between your legs you know and do it as gently as you can but don't engage so there's nothing wrong with doing it it's not the ideal scenario you can let your child walk around naked

but of course sometimes you have to do things that they're not going to like that's just your job you're the parent and would you take the same attitude to a kid that refuses to get in the car or out of the car oh yeah yeah yeah i just popped them out popped them in no way i'm not they're not if you've told your child to get out of the car get out of the car now that's it and if they won't lift them out the car. They don't get to be little tyrants and act like that. You are in charge. You tell them. Okay. But the question here is, how do you really get them to do it? Well, you know what? When I got that email the other day and I read through it,

because I was so worried for the moment trying to reassure her about how it's okay to force your child to get dressed sometimes. I missed something. When you were reading and I was listening to you, I realized there could actually be a sensory issue here. He might be finding some of these clothes very uncomfortable to wear. Different fabrics might not be agreeing with his skin and i wonder does he have a skin issue or is it possible that he has a sensory issue here that some fabric not that one thing well not wanting to wear clothes like she's even offered him choices and that's not working and like normally that would be my go-to like take two things out and say this or this you know and you know i've been really kind to giving you this choice but now it's on you to pick one i just think that this whole uh indecisiveness on the part of a child is a bigger problem but like what you're pointing out here is

that it's possible to look underneath it and go well is there a problem with actual clothes and skin well when you were reading it, I thought, oh, hang on a second. Is it a reluctancy to have to have this stuff on his body because it feels so uncomfortable on his body? And is there some kind of sensory issue here that we can help this lady with? I mean, if that's the issue,

all she has to do is look up sensory diets on the internet and you can read through different exercises that you could do with your child like brushing like first thing in the morning brushing their skin squeezing them getting and then calmer before they get dressed but what i did advise this mother if that's not an issue is i think she needs to set up a reward chart. Now, this issue is at morning and nighttime. So I think it's such a big issue. She needs to pick either morning or nighttime to deal with first. Personally, I would go with nighttime because you want the nighttime to be calmer

and you don't want to have to have this fight before bed. And I definitely don't like the idea that this kid gets to go to bed in his clothes. I mean, that's such willful behavior and he is succeeding in it i i really feel for that mom and dad so i would suggest setting up a reward chart for nighttime first super achievable reward chart get something he really really wants to work for maybe a jelly in the morning after his breakfast, maybe a jelly vitamin. I don't know, something like that. Keep it to one day so that he gets it in the morning. Look at you, you did what you were told. You got your tick. Now in the morning you get to have this and go in and remind

him, look, your tick's on the chart. You did it. And then make a fresh one for that day. Do that maybe two, three, four days. Then incorporate the morning as well onto this chart and bring it back to being a daily reward chart, quick reward, because this kid seems very clever. We've all seen rewards charts go wrong, where they're too long. Too long, too big, too complex. Too many things on the reward chart. So give us the kind of Tina breakdown of when you say rewards chart, what are we putting on it?

How long is it? And do I need to get super artsy with it? Yeah, well, I mean, if you're artistic, fabulous, but we're talking A4 piece of paper.

We're talking the child's name. Let's say we'll go with Jarlet. Jarlet's getting dressed chart. That's all you have to say. A line down the middle because you're only doing one day. You're going tick, reward. They see it. It's a visual. They see you

doing it. So simple. Then you'd have Jarlet's getting dressed charge at night time and morning time. So now you've got two columns where he needs to achieve a tick for the next day. Then when he's got that and you really hope it's going well, keep the energy so big, you're going full.

Full game show host. Game show child, game show host. Aren't you fantastic? Look, Gene looks so proud of you. You didn't want other people to see you doing this. But that tone works. You're making me so happy. I'm so proud of you.

Look, you got your tick again. Let's get that reward you amazing boy then you're you spread it out two days right you're getting so good at this let's do two days now be careful how you say that you don't want it to sound like what what i was getting it the next day why so be really up you're doing it three days and i think three days is as long as you want to go with this. What about on day four when he goes,

where's my marshmallow I put on my clothes? Well, I mean, you can just, you can just give, you can just do that. That's why the reward has to be

small enough that it isn't a new bike. And if he says, well, where's my thing? You can say, yeah, let's do that. Let's go and get you a marshmallow.

That was really good. And just, it'll slip away that thing. But the good thing about this, if this works for this family, well where's my thing you can say yeah let's do that let's go and get you a marshmallow that was really good and just it'll slip away that thing but the good thing about this if this works for this family

if they they haven't toilet trained him yet when they go to toilet train him they can bring back this reward chart he's used to it now

and they can be like going to the toilet if they're struggling with that and you know getting his treat when he does his wee super answer

when Tina gets back to you you can get back to her whatever it is struggling with that and you know getting his treat when he does his wee super answer when tina gets back to you you can get back to her whatever it is that she recommends you do she will follow up if it didn't work we'll try something else yeah and to this mom and to this dad best of luck with it if you're experiencing something similar let us know and anytime we've done a reward charger what do we have to remember you You're in charge of the chart. They don't get to do the tick. Yeah. You do the tick.

You do the tick. You give the praise. You give the reward. They don't get to write on it. They don't get to write on it. Don't let them have any power when it comes to reward charts and get rid of that thing

the minute you don't need it anymore. Fantastic. What was the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you as a kid, Tina? What was the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you as a kid to you what's the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me as a kid i have mine okay you go and i'll remember mine when i was at basketball camp boys loved pulling each other's shorts down to reveal their spotted boxers oh what japery what what fun this must be. Until the day Jarlath's shorts got pulled down and both shorts went with them. And what made it worse, Tina, was that I was talking to the two girls that I fancied most at that basketball camp.

Oh, Jarlath. I wonder where they are now. Do you wake up in the night time sometimes thinking about that? Well I will never forget their faces when it happened because the shorts went and it was like slow motion

I'm struggling to get them and I can see their bewildered faces like utterly bewildered at

how is this happening and then them covering their eyes. Oh my god. Oh my god oh my god i mean tina you don't you're stuck at basketball camp you're there for the week oh no oh my god so it's not like you go home in the evening well were they nice to you the girls not after that why did you run away in horror well my penis is offensively large oh my god jesus um i know what my most embarrassing thing is i remembered now My penis is offensively large. Oh my God, darling. Jesus.

I know what my most embarrassing thing is. I remember now. I was in a pub in Leenane as a kid and the boy I was completely in love with for most of my childhood popped into the bar and as I went to sit down, my sister pulled the stool from under me.

Yay, yay, yay, yay. It was mortifying because i think i couldn't get up for ages i think like it was a real bang were you in jeans or a skirt i remember the guy kevin laughing and it was just awful cool guy oh well poor kevin has passed on since but still not very nice no it was mortifying but if that's all i've got i've done okay and i have a terrible memory so maybe i just can't remember anything worse than that well here's the reason why i ask it because you know when your kid gets mortified at school when a thing happens at school that they're like i'll never be able to show my face in school again i remember one of mikey's friends saying on a Zoom call,

Mom, I'll be a laughingstock. Oh, God, that was so cute. During homeschool. And, you know, he kind of hit it on the head. You could become this, you know, pariah for the incident. Or the kid who they had to do a show and tell, and he did the magic trick. Oh my God, the magic trick went wrong and he burst himself.

Oh my God. It was like a feat of kind of gymnastics. His arms, masking tape or something. He was going to jump through his arms, his own arms. He was sellotaping his hands together and then jumping through his arms. It was terrible. And his feet didn't go through. I couldn't breathe.

And he just jumped in the air and landed on his face and all you could hear was move but like okay so these are the jeremy people okay we are terrible we're laughing at two children but the point is like how do you get what do you say to the kid then about getting back from this like i wish i had somebody who would help me at that time but you did push through i did push through that's it you have to push through you're kid then about getting back from this like i wish i had somebody who would help me at that time but you did push through i did push through that's it you have to push through you also have to try and meet it with humor if you get slagged for it you have to try and be like yeah yeah i know goodness the worst thing to do is be defensive about it because then they'll go oh we can niggle

at this the best advice would be to try and help your child find a way to laugh about it. Or try and track down those girls on Facebook and be like, guys, I'm really sorry that happened. And ask them, what did you think? What really did you think? I need to know. What did you think? Are you still thinking about me the way I'm still thinking about you? I'm still cringing.

Could be an open door, Dara. Could be an open door. My kid is two since October and is mega clingy to me, especially when it comes to going to sleep. Won't let her dad do it and will scream the house down. Ah, the wonderful sound

of a child screaming. That's the beauty of parenthood, isn't it? That high-pitched wail when it's just i'm not doing what you're asking me to do it was up and down but it's gotten way worse since i stopped working two days a week last november and then she had chicken pox and covid at the same time lots of crack she just wants me to sit with her all day and grope my boobs, just like her father, no doubt. Because she's breastfeeding. Oh, right.

Okay. And while I love the snuggles, not so much the groping and the pinching, it's getting a bit much. She is back waking in the night, too. And I'm wrecked. This is the other thing. You're night too and I'm wrecked this is the other thing yeah you're sleep deprived I'm wrecked

so she won't settle back help love love love love love the podcast I'm a bit behind so sorry if there's been a similar question

asked already there hasn't been but this is a big area well what we have done is a the episode on sleep with Ciara Taylor, Taylor with Babies. And that is what I would suggest here.

Get in touch or follow her. Go to her website or go on Instagram because that woman is a miracle worker and she knows what she's doing. And with the terms of the sleeping and getting the child resettled, Ciara is your woman for helping you there yeah now what i do need an expert on that yeah you do and you need you can sort it quickly that was the thing with kira taylor on that episode she's also an expert with breastfeeding

and this mother is still breastfeeding and she's getting to that age where she could stop and that would also help people don't want to stop anymore tina they want to feed their they want to breastfeed their kids to college well and i don't judge them for it well i'm not judging them for it either but i'm not sure how good it is for the actual child to be breastfed till they're who knows too well in i'm gonna say something very risque a lot of children turn the camera on i have worked with hundreds of children right hundreds and some of the children with the worst behaviors and who are the most demanding of their mothers were still the children who were being breastfed by the time they came into my classroom goodness so we're talking three and four year olds so it's not a scientific

test it's not a scientific observation. It's not a scientific test. But it's an observation about behavior. No. That they're a bit entitled. Honestly, it became such a thing that I used to then, when I'd have to have an intervention with the parent, I'd have to say, are you still breastfeeding your child? Because I'd be like. Why is he acting like this? Yeah.

No, but it was just such a. It was so common. I'm saying if you can breastfeed your child till they're three or four that's amazing well done you as a woman but i'm not sure if i'm completely on board on board i don't know i think it i've seen a lot of children not all of them but a lot of children were breastfed to breastfed to that age were very demanding you were breastfed to that age weren't you no i knew it i raised my hand because my mother revealed to me this christmas at her 80th birthday party if you'll allow me to finish that with all the other kids in my family yeah she would get up in

the middle of the night go in and feed and then go back to her own bed but with me she just kept me in the bed and fed me until my heart was content and said i'm not gonna lose sleep with this kid yeah i don't think there's i think you do whatever suits you yeah yeah but i pointed out to her how emaciated and weak-limbed all of my brothers and sisters are. You can't say that. Your brother needed a kidney. Yeah.

You think that's because he wasn't breastfed for long enough. I'm six foot two and a brick geek house and they're all like, oh God, I hope it isn't windy today. I'll blow away. Look, we're obviously not I'm strong strong we're obviously being quite silly here

about the breastfeeding i'm very much not answering this person's question i'm very much every single person to their own business when it comes to this very private thing you are really keen to get your sleep back that did yeah i think and if there's a clinginess issue, maybe take contributing. She is old enough now to not need that dependency on mommy for that piece of food. Now, what I really think is at the core of this, though, is that that child has been really sick. Yeah. And they probably felt very vulnerable when they were sick and they didn't like it. And they were sick for quite a long time. They got chickenpox and COVID. So in a weird way, that child got a bit worried about themselves in their own way. I mean, not in a weird way, in their own way. So this is a comfort thing. And mommy was giving her the most comfort because mommy was there with the brood and the milk that made her feel better.

OK, so I'm just i'm just thinking this now so what i suggest is that this mom needs to build this child's confidence and feeling of security within the home right and not just with mommy with her brother she said she has and the daddy and by saying things like by talking about it being like oh i feel so safe with daddy our house is such a happy house i love the way you and your brother play so nicely in your lovely happy room saying things like this your best work yes of course yes children can really worry and not be able to sleep because they the minute they're left alone in their room is the only time those tiny little two-year-olds start thinking,

I don't know, I like being on my own in my room. Where's my mom again? Mom! You know how I know this works? How? Because you revealed to me that when you were teaching in a Montessori school that you used to say to the kids, isn't Miss Regan the best? Oh my God, I can't believe you're telling that i that is my that is my trick i do that do you know why i do that because julie myers i don't

know if she'd ever listen in i worked in a classroom with julie amazing teacher and i like could hear her the kids going home going mommy julie is amazing julie this and i was like because i had heard julie that day going isn't julie great the way she always helps you and she was so easily led there yeah but she was putting the words into their mouth but this is all within this question so i always do that too leading them to the idea like you lead always safe with daddy yeah and they will say it you will hear your child start to say things like i love my bedroom i feel really safe in here because you'll have said this bedroom is lovely you i feel so safe in here you must feel safe in here too all these really

lovely positive kids are reaffirming but now i feel terrible because there's going to be moms who i've recently taught children of whose kids would always go home going isn't Mrs. Regan the best and that's because I'd be in class going

isn't Mrs. Regan the best Mrs. Regan is so kind it is one of your tricks if Lorraine Reynolds is listening in she will die laughing because she used to be like shocked

every time I was doing that I was like Lorraine come on board this is the way to do it it's a really good trick yeah and it's not really a trick it's not a trick you are trying to articulate what it is you want them to feel in relation to safety absolutely how you want them to feel and that would manifest in the child feeling really safe and happy to come into my classroom and be with me. Because Mrs. Regan is so much fun. And in relation to this kid, you're going, you go, go with daddy. You're always safe with daddy. Yeah.

You're always safe. Daddy loves you so much. And mommy always comes back. Mommy always comes back. That's why I've heard you say this all the time. Always going, mommy will go out now now but mommy loves you so much and mommy always comes back and just saying that so many that phrase is then in the head yeah telling them the plan over over tell it over sharing with the plan telling them all that's going now i do think

because there's an issue with sleep there needs to be some boundaries with sleep reintroduced into this okay so i'm thinking like things like getting your child involved you're modeling boundaries right so you're saying things like okay we're going to go to bed now and you get to pick which pajamas you wear and you have choice of two this pajamas or this pajamas and they pick which one they want and then you'll say and at story time we can read one story or two story and let them have the choice. And in a very indirect way, you're resetting rules and boundaries and you're letting them know, popping on our pajamas. We're going to read that one book. Then lights out, you're going to sleep.

Okay, mommy loves you. And off you popped. And you're confident this will take, this will. Because like the clingy thing. Yeah. I think there isn't anyone listening to this who hasn't seen clinginess with kids. Yeah, but that's what I mean about you've got to restore their self-confidence. They're clinging to you because something has happened where they don't feel 100% safe in themselves.

Or sometimes, would you agree, it's just a case of mom just consistently picks up every time this kid asks i'm not saying that's this scenario but yeah but a lot of clinginess is is facilitated and it kind of makes mom maybe feel a bit special i'm never gonna i'm never gonna say that because i think that the mom who picks up their child every time and who's exhausted but still has the energy to do that is a good mom is a good mom but what i do think though clinginess i feel from what i've seen is that this child just needs a bit of um pep in their step they need to feel a bit more positive and confident in themselves and i feel like even saying things around that child during

the day, like saying to the brother, have you noticed that your sister is so good at going to sleep in her room and she's sleeping all night? That makes mommy so happy. And play the kids off against each other. That's not what I'm saying. You know it is. I know it's not what you're saying. But it is saying that this is where you get praise from. Yeah. Yeah. And in terms of the clinginess, when we say a child is in a tantrum, we have the de-escalation script for getting them to calm down. You can do the same for clinginess. You can be like, you can calm them down by going, mommy sees that you need her.

Mommy loves you so much. Mommy is here for you. I can see that you're feeling unsafe give mommy a hug and let's go and do something nice together or let's go do this and then fade away i'm saying acknowledge her feelings she's not feeling completely secure don't tell her you're being ridiculous yeah yeah well it's very hard because clinginess is a weird one because it's a cute thing but also it's exhausting because you're like come on mommy needs a break i can't carry you the whole time yeah you're absolutely fine clinginess the first cousin of making strange yes yeah right and like that would be my follow-on question here tina's like

the worry for this mother is that she then needs a date night there's a babysitter yeah and they're just terrified help make making strange is such a great way to describe what kids do in that scenario if you're listening to this going i've never heard this term make strange it's where your kid takes an instant dislike to somebody like uh they're like they're like an animal that's fearing for their life and they just will not stop until that person's gone it's so rubbish because it's like oh now we can't have this babysitter anymore what do you do in that scenario it's it's what i mean about building up all this preparation, all this language, talking about it so much.

If you don't want your child to make strange, over-prepare them for the babysitter coming. Explain to them how it's an exciting thing. We are going to go here. This person, it's their job to keep you safe when they're here. This is what they do all the time. It's over-preparing your child do all the time it's over preparing your child and letting them know it's safe this is a safe thing our job is to keep you safe children

need to hear that because that's the worry they're worried that something dangerous or something something unexpected is going to happen i always remember your stories coming back from school where you had a kid that was clingy to mom and was dropped off and was totally in their element in the classroom. And then mom would try and come back in for one more hug. And you're like, no. Yes. And that's where with age, as you're a teacher, you get better at saying no to the mom saying, who's that for? That's for you.

Your child's fine right now. You can't go in there i mean covid was a blessing for loads of teachers because i worked in loads of schools where the parents were never allowed in i always think that's better yeah and then with covid parents couldn't come in anymore and this is the boundary it's just proof yeah when the parents couldn't come into the class the children didn't cry they knew the rules yeah yeah if the story and the pajamas and those boundary things don't work this child is still young enough for like a glow worm music box or something like that a distraction technique at bedtime something that's really new for her very

safe room that you can pop on and the glow worm we used it we bought it for all our nieces and I still use it when you're not around. I loved that thing. I couldn't. You couldn't put it on without falling asleep. Falling asleep. It projected stars

onto the ceiling and they spun around. Oh, that was a different one. We had to get rid of that one. Because I couldn't put that one on without falling asleep. I'd be like,

absolutely. When I talk, you fall asleep. I do. I'm sorry, Darlene. You have such a soothing voice so if all else fails i'll come around i'll talk to the kids they'll go to sleep hey jaren tina massive fan of the show i've been listening since the very start and just can't get

enough of it hope you guys do a live show together at some point. Well, I'd bloody love to do that. No, you'd have to drag me onto the stage. Mom and baby stand up stuff. I think that would be loads of fun. You'd have to drag me onto the stage kicking a skit. That would be awesome. Charlotte, I'd keep just vomiting. I'd be so nervous.

That's not the whole point of this person's being here. Glad to know where you stand on the note, Tina. Who knows? Our situation is that our little three-year-old is biting. When they're in the play situation, they regard it as a bit of crack. When they're very frustrated or fraught, they are biting into my hand. I cannot tell you exactly how sore it is when this happens. I'm genuinely anxious that this is a behaviour that we won't be able to get rid of.

I'm lost. There doesn't seem to be any advice on this subject to be found on the internet. It's taken me an awful long time to pluck up the courage to mail you because to be honest, it's embarrassing. I'm scared that people will not want my kid coming over and playing with their kids

what the hell am i to do can you help biting is my bag oh really they used to work with a lot of children who are biters you know when i worked in um in that early language intervention school most kids will bite once or twice but obviously this is an issue and we know that if your child is biting it's frustration oh but it's also thought it was teething well it can be teething it can be the feeling of frustration and then you know that's how they they just feel like they need to bite okay but we also know it's a sensory issue and we're understanding thought it was their teeth coming in well like a dog coming in but at three they have it was their teeth coming in. Well, teeth coming in. But at three, they have most of their teeth. Yeah, true.

Yeah. So this is a habit now. Well, it's a sensory thing inside their mouth. I was so unprepared for this question. I feel so bad for kids who bite because most of the time they don't want to bite either. But they have this impulse in their mouth to actually chow, like... Grip. Or grip to something and bite so when you

were first bitten do you remember the pain of it oh yeah well i've never been bitten by mikey but yeah no i've been bitten a good few times because children who are biters are fast at biting i remember when i used to work one-to-one in an aba school behavioral school you'd be like the children were gorgeous but you were so aware that they could bite at any time. Yeah. So you're teaching and blocking the whole time. Really? Yeah. And trying to teach them not to bite. So what I would tell you is I know how to teach children not to bite. Oh, really? Because I've done it so many times. So let's deal with this. So what this mommy needs to do is there are very

special toothbrushes i think we spoke about these before you find them on amazon and they're sensory toothbrushes they're the exact same thing as a toothbrush except they look like those weird balls you use for your physio yes but they're small right they're pointy, like a tiny coronavirus toothbrush. Okay. And what you do is, in the morning, when they've eaten and everything, you sit them down in front of you and you put it in. They can do it themselves in time. And you brush around their gums and you brush around the other side of their face. And then you do that for maybe five minutes. And you hope that it calms them down.

Then you give them very crunchy food to eat. They need hard bread. They need apples. They need to crunch down on food. And you can also, because this biting is so out of control, the same little sensory thing that's on the top of the toothbrush, you can buy one as a necklace. And you teach your child that when you feel, you say, mommy understands that you don't want to bite.

Mommy knows you don't like hurting people. And empathize. Mommy knows that. And when you feel like you need to bite, put this in your mouth and bite on it. And then they have something with them to bite. Also, but when they bite, what do you do yeah how do you stop their hurt how do you you know how do you control it we know never pull away from a bite always push into the bite gently they're only tiny little kids and when you push into the bite their mouth will naturally open and release and you can get

out of the bite and then don't give a big reaction as hard as that is because you don't want to make it fun because they might laugh and you don't want it to be something that they know this gets me loads of attention i have no idea how you don't react it's like that david i already bet that when you're advised in in the bush if an animal grabs you by the leg you may pick up a stick break the stick then the animal thinks that it's breaking your leg and it buzzes off now who in the world couldn't resist battering the animal with the stick how do you resist raking reaction when your child is just gripped down on you with their teeth? Well, you know how you decide?

Because biting is a very dangerous behaviour and it will get him not invited to playdates and it will become an issue at school. So you have to make the decision, I've got to get on top of this. Now, I know myself, when I worked in a classroom that was, what's the word the majority of the children in that classroom were biters once you've made that mind that

decision in your mind okay i don't react i know what to do if they bite me i know how to get out of it and i just have to help them not need to bite that day okay i'm not expecting this answer i'll be honest with you why well i know your. I've been there through all of your stuff. But a bit like last week when you started talking about postnatal anxiety, I really urge people to go back to it. I was listening to that, Tina, and I was just not really fully aware of what you went through. And I felt really bad personally afterwards that this is what you were through and i like i was you know i felt really bad personally afterwards that like this is what you were this is the experience maybe i'd forgotten it but sometimes

i think i don't realize what you did in your jobs with these kids that that's what your day was and then you'd come home and i'd be like let's go for pints i absolutely love working with children so it was never like i was coming home sad after my day at work i absolutely love it and when you get the opportunity to help a child like this stop biting i mean that's huge yeah so so would you say that to this mom that there is a light at the end of the tunnel because she sounds like she's going like yeah this guy's gonna be biting till he's 18 she doesn't know to do the sensory exercise in his mouth she doesn't know that maybe he needs a harder toothbrush when he's brushing his teeth i mean who's gonna tell her that i know that because i was trained she doesn't know to get the hard apples and the hard pieces of bread and this will solve it yeah Yeah, and the necklace and empathising with your child

because they don't want to bite either. And it's also really dangerous, especially in the current climate. You can't be going around biting people. So unhygienic. I wouldn't suggest punishing the biting unless it's like you saw that he did that to one of his siblings or friends on purpose even then it's quite tricky to punish it because the other child is screaming

and your child is already in full regret mode so i feel like when the biting occurs like that that's when you should remove your child maybe and do the sensory exercises because he's only bitten because he needed to in that moment. Yeah, because it's an urge. Yeah. Obviously, you know, there's the odd child who bites most wild. Because he's a little bollocks. Charlotte. I'm allowed to say that.

I'm the foil of this relationship here i i i think that that's probably the hardest one for people listening who are like yeah my young lad bites the very odd time there's no urge in this it's just him and his brother battering the heads off each other and sometimes he'll stick the teeth in yeah well if it's only an occasional thing you can still do the sensory exercises with a really hard toothbrush like a hard bristle they won't enjoy that they won't want to do that they won't like if they'll get rid of that um behavior pretty quickly if they think every time they're seen doing it they have to sit down with mom and brush their gums for a while and my question there is more about the rules of engagement isn't it on this show a few times folks tina has said you may need a constitution in your house essentially a meeting where the

family sits down as to what are the rules here in this house what's acceptable what's not acceptable biting is not acceptable ever yeah it's got to be it's nearly implied but if it needs to get stated maybe there is a family meeting. Like my brothers and sisters didn't batter their heads off each other. I feel like you guys are a bit more physical with each other. But I do remember there being an incident where my brother had his hair pulled and he felt that crossed a line. Yeah. And everybody thought it was kind of funny because he was so frantic over his hair being,

I think he had his hair pulled out of his head. But what age was he? He was a teenager. Yeah, see, I mean, this is a three-year-old. I mean, it's so different. Very different. In fairness, yeah, you're right, Tina. It's a little bit different.

It's so different. But it's so different because this three-year-old is completely just still learning. And he doesn't realize how bad it is i mean you if a teenager was biting i mean that's a big problem okay okay your brother if another teenager pulled his hair out of his head that's huge that's terrible okay well after the after the break i'm gonna ask you about the most dangerous thing you did as a kid. What is the most dangerous thing you did as a child, Sian? She's looking pensively into the distance. I think the most dangerous thing that we regarded as normal behaviour in the Regan house

was to sit on the back of our couch, the back of the actual it was a three seat couch and we would rock it rock it until like we had it like on its heels oh my god rock it and rock it and rock it and then you know then the idea was to try and rock it back and then flip it back onto all four legs and then you know someone would then it would eventually flip onto the floor this was entertainment and someone would more often than not bang their head off the radiator as it went down oh my god oh my god that was that'll tell you how low on entertainment options we were in the reagan house you were in the middle of the curve. I just think about it, how dangerous it was. Like, how much could have gone wrong

and how easily that couch surely, like with the craftsmanship, that thing should have fallen apart. Three kids, four kids. Did your mum not care

about the couch? They weren't there. They were off somewhere else doing parenting stuff. I'm trying to think, well, like, obviously I had a very fun childhood because i grew up beside the lovely aunt open who it's also passed oh my god that's two people now who passed

but um we she was a rascal and having her as a friend my childhood friend just made every day so much fun so many adventures she was just such a free spirit she was her own woman you know and uh she always had loads of ideas and ways to get around things and uh she lived four doors up from me and her parents were always out working and her mom ran an amazing business really cool lady and anne would come down to my house in the morning and we'd just hang out the whole day but we knew anne had more sweets in her house than ever there down to my house in the morning and we'd just hang out the whole day. But we knew Anne had more sweets in her house than ever there was in my house. And we used to, no joke,

climb the gate, get the ladder out, climb up to the window in Sonia's room that'd be open, in through the top window, down into the house, find the box of lime bars, eat as many as we could, shove them into our pockets, back out the same way we came in,

which is so stupid, because we could, shove them into our pockets, back out the same way we came in, which is so stupid because we could have pulled the door behind us back over the gate onto the footpath, just exhilarated by the whole By the break-in. The thrill. Boldness of it all.

Ocean's Eleven heist on the Lion Bart. But like, Anne was so much crack. I mean, another time, the girl who lived in 11 next door to her. It really annoyed her. So she weaned in a bucket and threw the bucket, called the girl out to the back garden and threw the bucket over the wall. Oh, my Lord. A rascal next door is is the principal way in which good kids like you and I got led astray.

Yeah, but she was a good kid too i had a rascal next door yeah but like i mean though would you have it any other way like the fact that anne is gone breaks my heart because she's in every single one of my childhood memories i just can't believe she's not around anymore but she was amazing and i'm so grateful i have those memories with her and it's sad that she went way too soon but yeah but you also it reminds you though yeah that with all of this parenting and behavioral stuff yeah you still gotta let your children have a tiny bit of freedom not as much 80s freedom you know there's no way a six and a five-year-old should have been climbing up ladders and breaking into houses that's just not okay devilment is how you learn on some level though yeah yeah rest in peace anne yeah rest in peace anne and rest in peace

that guy who laughed at you when you got the chair the most beautiful man in galway we'll be back next week with more honey you're ruining our kid and you can also hear us on 98 fm yeah we got a sunday slot on 98 fm pod slot on the radio tune in tune in by we'll be on the radio going like trying to be djs trying to be djs tune in clear request thanks so much tina oh thanks jerry i love you thanks you I love doing the pod thanks for everyone who sent emails into honey

you're ruining our kid at gmail.com and thank you for everyone who is supporting sharing subscribing

listening in any order you want there okay thank you so much guys we'll talk to you next week

honey you're ruining our kid is an Irishman abroad podcast presented in association with Go Loud. Editing, research, and production by Jarlath and Tina Regan. Find us on patreon.com forward slash Irishman Abroad today. Don't forget to email Tina your questions on honeyyouareruiningourkid at gmail.com because hey, in all fairness, it's hard to raise kids not to be gobshites.