Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Ep 20 Smelly Willies, Explaining Periods & Coping With The Anger

Episode Date: February 6, 2023

Smelly willies! What do we do about them? How do we get our boys to wash their junk without mortifying them completely. In this week’s episode Jar opens up about his entanglement at 11 and how best to get your instantly embarrassed boy to take in this essential hygiene info. Periods suck. Every single woman knows this. In an age where our children actually find out what’s about to happen to their bodies how do we prepare them and take away the fear? Tina and Jarlath discuss the different resources out there to help arm our girls and prepare them for this next step. Can we feel empowered by our periods rather than exhausted by them? Are you struggling to get your child to control their temper? Are they manipulating you and using language you find triggering. Is this leaving you feeling out of control and utterly disrespected. We can help. All is not lost. Let’s reframe how we address this behaviour. Tune in to hear Jarlath and Tina’s different approaches to help extinguish these behaviours. To submit your question to Tina simply email [e-mail] - all emailers remain anonymous of course. Tina replies to every single email personally. Find us on www.patreon.com/irishmanabroad

it's honey you're ruining our kid episode 20 on the go loud network we're back more questions more situations more unusual happenings in the home well they're not unusual that's the thing people email us with stuff that they think isn't happening anywhere else the reassuring thing about this podcast team is that you're not alone no we're getting the same emails so many similar emails absolutely similar problems in most houses thank you all for getting in touch thank you for rating commenting and subscribing to the podcast on whatever platform you're listening to it we had a busy busy week here we're chasing our tails planning the seasons ahead and trying to figure

out what we can do for you next we're celebrating this week is my kidney anniversary yes that's true it's six years since charlotte donated his kidney to his brother i know and i never bring it up that's the other thing well i think it's only with time it was enormous at the moment in the moment but with time you realize whoa what the hell are we thinking you know anyway we go out on sunday night to uh celebrate it with some wings my favorite thing of all hot wings and oh my goodness yes we did we were out in glanchestown yeah so we get the window of the tgi McScratchies that we're going to you can see in the window

the place is absolutely rammed to capacity with families many of our listeners I'm sure struggling to cope with their

little ones you know what it's like it's a TGI for ideas was it? or is it Captain America's? I think it's Captain America's but we do need to mention

you had just ran the Rahini 5 mile yeah you were starving and we'd been stuck in such bad traffic. You're pre-empting my behaviour here. Yes I'm trying to explain Jarlett's behaviour. Why you might act like this. Yeah. So we see it and it's packed and we're going oh god we didn't book a table

this is not going to work out. And in front of me is a family one kid is wheeling one of those little kind of bubble cart things in front of her. Possibly a two year old girl. Maybe younger. Yeah. Plastic doggy thing that she's got in front of her. Adorably cute. And they're headed for the door. I can see there's no tables left.

What's the point in training to be a runner? I see what you're thinking, but I'm relaxed. I think there's no way Jarla would ever push by a child, a baby. He couldn't be that hungry. You thought wrong. He couldn't be that hungry. I sprinted. He left me for dust.

Left for dust. I mean, what's the point in having Sonia and Sullivan train you to run if you can't beat a kid? I had to kind of pass the family and open the door open to them. I was already sitting at my table. Looking at them, knowing my husband possibly just took the last table here. Did I get a table? That's the question. They had booked their table, thankfully. We got a table. They got a table. But you still, you still did. I didn't hurdle the kid. And that did cross my mind.

You ran by the kid. I ducked and shoved the kid. You passed out a baby for food. And pushed her face into the ground. It was awful. I gave the parents fingers. The other thing that happened this week was our suggestion on the Honey You're Ruining Our Kid Instagram and Twitter accounts. Yes.

Was that we need to rethink homework in primary schools. Now this is obviously not our movement. Michael D. Higgins was talking about it but it's a movement across the world. Yes. And we just jumped on board and said should we rethink this? Yes and myself and Charlotte really feel strongly about talking about it. We get we can't get rid of homework completely but when our child went to school in england he got assigned homework on a friday and he had until tuesday to get it done that was a piece of english a piece of maths some kind of geography thing and some kind of mindfulness bit and it works so well and what we saw were kids in England who were more relaxed and able to go about their hobbies in the afternoon.

Nothing was a rush. And we had more time. We had more time. And this is what we're noticing. This is our pain and what we're feeling for other families. We've moved home to Ireland. We love it. We found the most amazing school.

And actually, Mikey's enjoying the novelty of homework. But this is also not just about our personal experience. Yes. While it is about that. It also not just about our personal experience. Yes. While it is about that. It's absolutely not about our personal experience because There's so much research to back this up. But what we, we are missing our son. The homework is getting in the way.

And it is producing some antagonist. Yeah, this family time and everything is a rush. Everything is got to do that homework because it's due in tomorrow. And lots of your emails are about the same thing and the theme of today's episode is that kind of unfairness that your kids can walk around with yeah because of homework because of various different things and loads of our emails today as you'll hear are about that and how you cope with it it's our belief that if we were to rethink how homework is handled in this country as in curtail it pull it right back to one item a week with a few days

to hand it in happier families happier kids kids who aren't rinsed of the passion for learning yeah and kids who then go to secondary school where we totally accept there should be homework yeah who won't be so pissed off with the concept of homework yeah by the time they get to first year like we're seeing what mikey exactly it's a bit but here's what i want to stress about the homework when it gets assigned once a week it actually is suit more suitable to the individual's personality. If your child is somebody who likes to get it out of the way, get it out of the way. If your child is someone who likes to space that out, they can do that. I just think at the moment, the way we do homework is unfair on the kids and the teachers.

And the parents. Especially the parents. There's so many people that are going to be listening to this, nodding their heads, going, can you imagine a world where I didn't have to go through that every single evening? We're here for you. Send us your emails if you want to jump on board. We're serious about this.

We are actively trying to redress, reframe, redesign how homework is delivered. And if we start the conversation, if you start the conversation at your school, who knows what might happen next? We did a bunch of articles. There's a piece in the Indo about it where we best explain the position and the thinking on the whole thing. And you've been on the Ciarán Cuddaldy show. I can't say his name. Cuddy, yeah.

Can't say his name. I was also on British TV talking about it. And what's mad is you kind of can't argue with name i was also on british tv talking about it yeah and what's mad is you kind of can't argue with it i don't think so you know it makes such sense to rethink this because let's face it we're always talking about recovery we're always talking about allowing yourself to be rested and self-kindness yeah don't bring your work home with you. But we don't seem to extend that to our kids. Why is that?

I mean, there's so many different ways to do this, even if it was just homework every second night. What's so wrong with that? But this night in, night out stuff. Yeah. I think it's got to go. And there are purists

who want rid of it completely, but that is never going to happen. Or not for a long time. That'll certainly be harder to achieve right away. want rid of it completely but that is never going to happen or not for a long time harder to achieve right away uh let's get to our first email my son is 11 years old and like nearly all boys his age he's mortified at the idea of talking about the birds and the bees with his old uncool mom he shuts it down at every turn so the other day I tried to show him a video about perhaps the most pressing issue. Hey, Jean, it was a short YouTube video about cleaning your penis properly

for boys his age. Nothing embarrassing about that. No, I don't know what's the matter with you. He basically ran from the room. Won't talk to me about it at all now. I mean, won't talk to me whatsoever about it. He's actually kind of angry with me over the at all now. I mean, won't talk to me whatsoever about it. He's actually kind of angry with me over the whole thing. And I'm pretty sure he also thinks I'm obsessed with peni. Love that you used the plural there. I'm not obsessed with penises or peni. I just worry about him getting sick if he does not clean down there properly.

Please help me. I honestly don't know what to do with this situation. Anonymous. Well, I mean, we can all relate to that one, right? Definitely this is very common, isn't it? Well, you put the shits on me completely when it comes to Mikey and stuff like that because you had a twisted testicle or something

when you were a kid and you didn't tell anyone about it and you ended up in the hospital. What was funny is that my actual issue there, full disclosure if we're going to put our cards on the table what exactly happened with Jonathan's twisticle testicle is that I had exceptionally

itchy balls. My Miley Rode were so flippin' itchy and I remember Itching away at them As I do Having a good old rummage And suddenly

Now Not only are they itchy They're very very sore Oh Charlotte And I was like Well that's That's odd

Now I can't seem There seems to be a lump In there now And I was like In full panic mode honey what age? 11

so similar so you put the shits up me with this story too so now I have to try and rectify the situation oh god it's a lot of so how many days are we talking before you went to your parents? but you see I'd scraped it too

oh so there was a scrape and then there was this twist. And then the scrape obviously allowed some sort of infection in. Oh. And the infection moved up through my insides, like into my stomach and stuff. Until eventually I had to go to Crumlin. So how many days?

But I can remember a week. You kept it to yourself for a week. A week, yeah. Because you were embarrassed. Well, I thought I could figure out I could twist them back around oh my god

see this is my fear this is this lady's fear and you're obviously not you know you know what he goes to and this is the thing that the young lad is definitely

going to be thinking about this stuff and worrying about this stuff and you're he probably thinks you're worrying him yeah and it's like

I've no worries if I don't talk about this. But I found myself in that situation. I had nobody to go to. I couldn't really talk to anybody about it. And I remember asking my mother to leave the room when I went to the doctor. And he basically straightened it out on the spot. And the relief was insane.

Like, it was just like, I felt better immediately. But I still had to go to Cromlin because it was pretty bad. And she is right. You can get really sick as a youngster. God. Even as a grown up. You're not clean down there. It doesn't matter if you're male or female. But back to the problem at hand. Yes. There's an embarrassment there.

Which is so strange, right? Because we're all trying to be parents who aren't ruled by this guilt of our bodies. Like most of us are trying to make sure our kids are not guilty about their bodies, right? But how do you get it, still get it wrong? I'm talking about myself in that I'm all the time trying to be like vulvas, vaginas, penis, whatever. Make it that it's very normal talk. And still, just like this lady our son is mortified anytime that

comes up because you're it's just because it's the mom so you're saying that if there is a dad around or a man in the house it should be left to them it's all no i'm saying that it's the culture right and that you know these are things you're not allowed you're not allowed to talk about willies in public this is not table talk that we did that we these are things you're not allowed. You're not allowed to talk about willies in public. There's not table talk that we do. These are issues that are still going to be taboo because it's not polite to talk about your stinky willy at the dinner table. So whatever moves you make in terms of being like a cool, woke mom. I imagine it wasn't at the dinner table. She decided to do this.

Not saying that. I'm just saying that doesn't matter what move you make. You've done nothing wrong as a comedian. She's clearly on it. But you can just know that in the same way as there's things in your life. Like I would think that money is the thing

in comedy that comedians do not talk about. And that's really off limits and it's kind of gross even to talk about it and that's really off limits and it's kind of gross even to talk about it. There's just always going to be taboos and for young lads your mom talking to you about your dick. I don't

think that should be weird. I fully agree with what this mom did. I think it should, like she's being mature. He wasn't being mature. Maybe she came in too early or maybe the video was too much i'm watching the video with him was too much i'm telling you it's unavoidable that's what i'm telling you yeah and i actually think that i don't have the answer to this i think that that probably

the only way to allow your kids to get this right is to leave the pamphlet or the book by the bed and he will read it in his own time i always think about the richie sadlier book let's talk and how valuable that book is just as a thing that's left around you know in the same way as you've somebody in your family who has an addiction issue they do say to leave the leaflet somewhere where they can privately have a scan of it. Okay. The young lad wants to know how to be clean and not smelly and not sick. He does. He does want that info.

And it's just the messenger. It is just you. You are the problem. I definitely know that I had a friend whose son had gotten an infection in there from not cleaning his willy properly. And then every single night he has to bathe it now. Yeah.

And we're talking years. And now, like, I mean, that's horrible. Imagine that. And I don't know. Oh, it's just so hard. It's so hard to know what to do because in our house, I think we're really, we talk about everything. And sometimes I shock you when Mikey asks me a question because I will always tell him the truth.

I will always answer the question the way it should be answered. Because I just think, what's the point to make it? Not the way it should be answered, but the way with the maximum amount of fact yeah that's what i mean i'm gonna go dancing around with yeah and i'm always like well and even though i might be dying inside answering it i try to look like i'm totally chill with this question even though i'm really forcing myself to do that and so maybe i'm over empathizing with this mom Mikey also does say I'm obsessed with Willie so that triggered me yeah and I wouldn't

be worrying about it but that's because Charlie's always joking it's also a stick to beat you with yeah you know that it's funny to say that about your mom but I love your advice I think she didn't do anything I think the only thing she did wrong was watching the video with her son he obviously wasn't able for that yeah and that's the same advice again,

that it's not even watching it with him if you just left it in his watch list on YouTube. Yeah, I think that's the only thing she did wrong here. I think, fair enough, he's too embarrassed to talk to you about it. You've got to respect that. You overstepped. And I love your advice of leaving this stuff around.

Maybe just getting... Pinning him down. Your partner. Cleaning his willy. Oh, maybe. Sorry, sorry for that. These are the reactions I try and keep in when Mikey talks to me. Yeah, Timmy, you said pull.

Your teeth cleaning his willy made you go bleh. Yeah, those are the reactions I'm talking about. I keep to myself when talking. If only Mikey knew how not obsessed with penises That's a bit of a low blow I hope this is a help to this mom

Yeah and I think she needs to give herself a break Sorry for talking over you there She needs to give herself a break on this one It's good she got in touch She obviously needed to just

see what we thought see what other people think You didn't do anything wrong. Maybe don't watch videos with him again. That's a lesson for us all. Get the Richie Sadlier book. Yes.

Get those pamphlets because there's so many of these or even just even a print edit should just be an A4 page. He'll read it. Yeah. Trust me because the last thing any boy

wants to be is smelly. Yeah. That's the thing. You stink is still is still a huge put down for 11 year olds now, believe it or not. That could also be a thing if you're literally just supplying

them with the toiletries. The man toiletries. What about laminating instructions? You know those instructions how to check your lumpy breast? If there's a lump in your breast. Laminate a picture of a willy and put it in his room. In the shower.

Instructions how to clean your willy. Pull it back. Give it a clean. You're not allowed to use soap. I'm starting to think that Mikey's right. You're not allowed to use soap in there you know.

I think he'd be really cool with his mom hanging up pictures of dicks in his room. I am. I'm not in his room. In the shower. In the shower.

Laminated. That's what I'm talking about. So they can look at them while he's. When you're in the hospital they'll have a picture in the room. I'm not in his room. In the shower. In the shower. Laminated. When you're in the hospital they'll have a picture in the shower. No, I'm not in the shower. This is great. He won't come home and be like... He ran from the room when he got shown a video. You're like, I'll just stick up a life-size

picture of an erect penis in his shower. Let him figure it out. I hear what you're saying, but no. Okay, no. I think no. I think they're definitely leaving the stuff subtly somewhere. Definitely, the closest I came to having any sort of birds and the bees chat

with my parents was they had a book in the house and I knew it was somewhere and I was going to seek it out. It was for girls. It was a girls book but it had all the info I needed in it and I remember feeling very very

naughty for looking at it but it was extremely helpful. But when you went through this trauma with your testicles, did your mom not have to keep checking you? That you hadn't really twisted them? Absolutely not. No. But

it was a shock of what had happened, enough for you to never twist them again. She's hot. Because I once twisted my testicles. Sure, you ended up in hospital. My mother was going to get to fiddle with my junk. I'm not saying fiddle, but surely she'd be like, are my testicles that my mother was going to get to fiddle with my junk. I'm not saying fiddle but surely she'd be like, are your testicles okay? This is the mom you

are, Kim. What? But you'd have to ask, Charlie. You ended up in hospital. The whole point of this question is that this mom is not understanding that this is his Overseft. No, this mom is not understanding that this is his business, not yours.

What? You need to say to him, you have a responsibility to look after your junk. Right. That's your junk. I'm never going to cross that line. Do you think it's appropriate for him to use the word junk? Maybe not. Maybe not. I don't going to cross that line. Do you think it's appropriate for the part to use the word junk? Maybe not. Maybe not.

I don't know if that's a medical term. But when you're entrusting him, you're actually saying to him, look, I'm not going to get involved here. I know you don't like me talking about it, but I need you to read this because this is actually on you.

And it's up to you to do this. Okay, I like that. I like that, Gerard. I think you got it. I'm glad we kept going there because that's good. Because that way he's like, all right,

this is actually real man stuff. This is grown-up stuff. My mom wants me to do this because this is on me. It is a more respectful way to do it. But I still...

You thought my mom was going to check if my balls were twisted. I'm only 11. You went to the hospital. I'm sorry. That's pretty serious. But even then, Martina,

even then, that's your stuff. And just like with girls, you go, now that's your stuff. Here's your sanitary stuff. Now that's for you. You can check in with me if needs be. And that's obviously where the communication needs to be open. And the young lad needs to be.

Listen, there's something wrong here. That's all you need to say. Let him know. He can still come to me. Or your father. i just i do hope that we're all trying to get rid of that catholic guilt of our bodies you know gonna take a while our youngest boy is 11 and is full of anger sometimes it feels like i'm dealing with dr jekyll and mr hyde he is short fused and hot tempered stubborn etc if things aren't going smoothly he's are going smoothly

he's wonderful creative and funny and great company etc but when things are going badly he's verbally abusive rude spiteful disrespectful threatening to our personal objects e.g artwork or stamp collections stuff like that slamming doors on a very bad day he's even threatened to kill himself oh my god he knows this is a trigger for me as i've had friends who lost siblings to this and he knows exactly how to push those buttons before you ask yes he has been evaluated for whatever it might be and we're getting the results soon a couple of weeks i hope we finally come to the end of that evaluation process well that's really positive that she's taking steps that way that's a real sign that yes she's taking this very seriously and she's trying to look behind it and see is there more reasons for this

behavior that's what she says she says to an extent i don't care what spectrum he might be on i just need him to learn to channel and cope with his anger and he might he may not be on any it may just be an anger management issue this is so common and we get this email so much so thank you so much for sending this in he plays football loves it and loves his phone and at times these are the only things he loves and yes his phone has been taken away when things escalate which as we discussed last week you have to be able to do you have to be able to establish a consequence for behaviors and if that is the rule that's the rule we have limited phone time as well because there's always that fear right we all need that he gets it going to school as he takes public transport

and a limited amount of time at home after his homework is finished. And yes, I am guilty of allowing him more phone time as it also allows me to get some work done. He says that when something goes wrong in class, he always gets the blame, whether he's innocent or guilty. I understand this frustration, but he needs to make adjustments. Unfortunately the world won't change for him but ultimately he firmly believes he's in the right. He feels victimized and then I get burnt out from this frustration when he comes home.

We've done the counting, the elastic band on his wrist, the tearing up of pieces of paper etc i can hear tina already saying get him a diary to write down his feelings it's draining our energy and affects our whole family life i also want to get a handle on the anger and coping mechanisms for him because when we hit the teenage years that's a concern right thanks in advance for any advice you might think of best regards anonymous yes well there's so much there isn't there like a few things come to me as i listen to that email um he's got two older siblings much older than him and so you know he is thinking there's a real unfairness with things that they're getting to do that he's not getting to do yeah because he's seeing himself as a much older child because he's around much

older siblings and this would connect really well to how he's feeling hard done by at school and at home he just uses a general feeling of everything's not fair yeah he's feeling victimized and i need to stress to parents who are finding this in their kids they genuinely do think that they are victimized they are they really have this feeling of unfairness and sometimes the only way to reach them is to empathize and they need someone to believe them because even though as the grown-up you can see lad things aren't that unfair you just need to get on with this stuff unfortunately your child is genuinely feeling this unfairness and needs somebody to take it seriously i think it's a really good shout if you let me jump in there because I definitely know what that feeling was as the youngest member of my family.

OK, yeah. Having teenagers older than me and how you were kind of getting the last of everything. Like you got served last. You got the hand-me-down clothes. Yeah, we don't know if that's happening here. No, but I identify with, to an extent, and she has to figure out a way to identify with, how he's spraying this sense of injustice onto every aspect of his life. Yes, yes. But there's parts of his life where he genuinely has a point. Yeah, there is a genuine feeling of this unfairness inside this boy, whether's whether it's what's the word justified or not

and that's the hardest thing as a parent because that means you have to step down from reality and bring yourself to his shoes i need to acknowledge these feelings i need to understand and i need to empathize and that will be so rewarding because he needs to feel like he's heard he's listened to and he's understood and it's so hard because you don't really think he has it hard and it's a fine line right because if he hears you going you have a point suddenly you give him a bit of rope yeah he thinks he's a cowboy you know there's that's why wording is so important acknowledging his feelings isn't agreeing with them so it is just acknowledging them it's saying things like i can see that makes you feel really angry i can see that you think that's really unfair thank you for telling me that I'm I'm taking

this all on board and I see how you feel that isn't agreeing but that is just showing him I'm listening to you I see you and I can see you're feeling something here um that's really important because he's so angry I mean he's so angry angry. My heart goes tight whenever I hear 11-year-olds threatening to kill themselves because I, do you know that I lost a child I used to teach to that. Not true of her mother not taking it seriously. I mean, her mother was on it. Couldn't have taken it more seriously. But still it happened

and i never take those threats lightly and i think it's very worrying if that dialogue is being had and shows perhaps how angry this child is um or how misunderstood he feels very tough for the mom because we're all parents and we're all thinking come on we're doing our best why aren't you happy why aren't you just why can't you just roll with it like the other two but um he's not he's not rolling with it and you do need help and I think something really important she's saying it's affecting the whole family so I think the whole family needs to get together more and this whole family needs to have a really sit down meeting and talk about things that they're feeling in the house that they would like to change but not talking about his behavior that is not the

point of this family meeting we're told just an open space for everyone just to offer things up but not pinpoint anyone in particular and the hope in that gathering a meeting and talking about things possibly we could change in the house or rules we could put in is that maybe he'll offer up things that are making him feel unhappy and in those I'm suggesting these meetings happen more than once when in the first few don't agree with what he says and that yeah I'm glad you brought that up because when you do that makes us really angry and that's really obnoxious behavior but just allow him to talk and feel listened to because i don't think he feels he's as part of this adult household as he wants to be and there's a lot of

frustration there you know the other thing you suggested was yes i did yeah i suggested this mom might need to get in touch with jigsaw.ie or wayahead. Yeah, I suggest that this mom might need to get in touch with jigsaw.ie or wayahead therapy because I feel like if there's a group activity with other children going, processing and going through these feelings

that he's experiencing, I think it would be good for him to get out into the world. Yeah, get out into the world and meet other children who are struggling in the same manner as him. Yeah.

She kind of mentioned the diary, but actually the diary here is very important. He needs somewhere safe and private to express himself. You can then read it while he's at school. Yeah, never. Let's be honest. Never, ever, ever, ever tell him. And maybe don't read it for a long time

so that, you know, if he's this angry and feels this misunderstood, he could be, you know, seeing, well, is it actually a safe place for me to write? Or is she just going to check it straight away? But I definitely think he needs to feel believed. She also points out the thing about button pushing. Yes. And we've had emails on that too.

Yes, we have. Kids that know, I can get you with that. And it can feel really rough as a parent because you're like, that is that no yeah i can get you with that yeah and it can feel really rough as a parent because you're like so that is so mean yes and also what's meanest about that and why it's so triggering for parents is because they've tried to do the thing of telling the child that's actually not okay that really upsets me and then your child has used it again but what you have to bring yourself to do on that is to just not respond. And also recognize what you've said.

And I'm learning this as we go here, guys, just like 20 episodes in. You've helped me understand that when a kid is being what you understand as actively mean to you, that they're actually saying, pay attention to me yeah yes they are and they're looking for all your attention they want you to like really engage with them and when do we do that when we're shouting at them yeah so just ignore it just walk away get yourself to a safe place where you can calm down and then hopefully you get the opportunity later to give him some really good positive feedback about how much you love him and just ignore that other thing because that was just said in spite and yeah it's not okay yeah but there's another time to remind him what's not okay in the moment's not the right time you got back to

this mom just like you do to all of our emailers honey you're ruining our kid at gmail.com is the way to get in touch you're not finished with this either this isn't a case of you got your email reply that's it tina's gonna stay with you yeah a lot of a lot of people get back to me and we we develop the plan of action or we relook at it or or and then we have the parents who are just delighted and it's working but that's not for everyone some people need a bit more help and that's absolutely fine i'm here to help i i don't drink people don't know this i don't drink really ever yeah i would occasionally have a guinness milkshake yeah you either don't drink or you drink drink. Yeah, that's what I've said for years.

It's like, if I'm going to a wedding, all bets are off. But we went out on Monday night to Lewis Capaldi because we got invited. Oh, we did, yeah. And I didn't drink a drop, but I felt so hungover.

Is that because I was inhaling the air of all of these youngsters who were rash arms? I stand by this forever. Hangovers are very little to do with the alcohol. I think it's mostly tiredness. That's because when Tina's hungover, I'll say, are you hungover? And you'll go, no, no.

I'm just really tired that I'm painting in my eyeball. I really believe that because when I was pregnant, I felt hungover every day. And I was like, it's not the alcohol at all. It's just the tiredness that makes you feel that shit. Yeah, I do think it's a significant percentage of a hangover is fatigue. But don't tell me it has nothing to do with the alcohol. I thought everyone was really well behaved at the Lewis Capaldi gig. We got to meet the man himself.

We did and I didn't call him Louis which I was terrified. You just called him Louis the whole day. I was 100% sure that was his name to be fair to me. Because I gave him a pair of Irish Socks Society socks, the Absolute Legend socks.

Yeah. Which I felt like he appreciated. No one else got him a gift. No one else got him a gift. No one else got him a gift. We were very lucky to get to meet him. He was so lovely. He had a tattoo on their arse. Yeah, they were in the newspaper yesterday.

Oh, were they? Yeah. They felt obliged to drop their pants. It was two of them, two girls. They had, we love you, Louis Capaldi, on their bottoms. And they posed with their bottoms out and he did thumbs up. I mean, what does that...

Charlie's like, why didn't I get... No, but what does that do for your ego? Like, when you think about it, I thought about it when he was on stage. It's like, when we talk about kids, I always think sometimes kids have these ego issues now because they're, I believe, because their video games are about them being god yes

creating worlds yeah they're creating a world and they're just able to control absolutely everything and when they come off it they're like why is the world not bending to my will our video games were a dot eating another dot you are so insignificant that is so true darling like what you're saying is so true like they they get to be the creator of their own world and then they come off and they're told to tidy their room. I mean, yeah, no wonder they lose. I created a room bigger than this. No wonder they lose their shit when they come off their switch. They were such a well-behaved crowd.

They were so young. They were so well-behaved, yeah. They were so. He was incredible. Like I was blown away by his voice. He was incredible. It was insane. It was insane. range tina perfect amount of songs too because i get very tired at these things there for hours but it was

all thanks to universal music in ireland thank you so much for inviting us thank you we're open to invitations if you have a local fair or kaylee-Lee that you want us to attend. We will be there and you can get in touch with the show honeyurinearcade at gmail.com We have one more question to go. We do.

Final question for this week. My daughter is another 11 year old has become very stressed out about getting her period. Whoa, this is our first period question period the other day she read an article that went into detail about how painful periods can be and how the intensity of pain from cramping is comparable to having a stroke yeah that's true first she was angry about being a girl.

Absolutely understand that. And the unfairness of it all. Complete unfairness. Is unfairness the theme of today's episode? Yeah, maybe. Now, she's just terrified. Yeah. This is very tough.

Terrified of getting her menstrual cycle. How do I help her in this situation? I'm frightened for her too, can't lie so what do I do well what do you do what do you do because you know the horror that is ahead of her we all know as women anyone listening to this well at least now we live in a time where there are different resources available different methods of pain relief and different ways of managing the flow of your period. But oh my God, I have to say as much as I would love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love to have had a little girl as well as Mikey. I am so happy that I never have

to have that awful chat with my daughter about what's about to start happening to them once a month. How was it explained to you and were you anxious about it at all? Oh no I it was never explained to me but I was well aware of periods I was so into women and being a woman very weirdly I was always like women are the best we're really strong and I loved any kind of role model who was a woman and uh i remember being angry i told you this mary robinson when she became president of ireland because that was something i had wanted to do like i think i was seven i was like i wanted to be the first woman yeah like but um i was so excited to get my period

i couldn't wait i could not wait i used to go to the toilet and hope why i have no idea because you know why because i didn't know what was coming and sometimes i think was i luckier that way that i didn't know what was coming because now our little girls are so well informed now there is actual research done on periods that where it's actually explained to us you're not just being a drama queen because you're complaining about it hurting. It is painful. This is real and for eight days sometimes of a month you are miserable because there is so much blood and things coming out of you and it hurts how do you explain that to your little girl that for the next 40 years of your life this is going to happen to you once a month well i think

what you said about painkillers is is a good one that's a good place to start it's like talk to her about how maybe talk to her about through history how bad it was and how in certain parts of the world well there is this this beautiful new dialogue happening where women are trying to encourage other women to see it to not as something to be afraid of or something miserable but actually where we get our strength from as women because we still do we still get on with it even though we're going through this misery look at what we're capable of we're out there we're smashing it and that i think is maybe something that will speak to little girls that yes you still can like let this be something that you are empowered by but also let's allow our

daughters to complain about their periods i was was never allowed. We were never allowed. Like, I don't think I once spoke to anyone in secondary school about the fact that I was sitting beside one of my friends and dying with pain from my period. No way. I don't think we were allowed to. It wasn't something that was ever talked about. Even now, it feels strange for me sometimes to be really open. And I really do try.

And I notice my friends trying to be really open and i really do try and i notice my friends trying to be really open about how we're suffering with our periods because it wasn't something we were allowed to talk about you were definitely just like get the fuck on with it every single woman has had to go through this get the fuck on with it yeah and now i think it's much healthier that girls are like oh my god this fucking sucks so you have to let her grieve a bit you have to allow that i think it is unfair i'm 41 year old woman every single time i get my period i think it's unfair that girls have to go through this and boys don't maybe it takes like we said about showing her all the great women and pointing out that they too went through it and these olympic

athletes yes were still going through it and still breaking world records these scientists were developing the vaccine and still going through it and like i say there are so many different approaches to managing it now it's not you're not expected as a woman to struggle through. There are ways of, you know, different methods of pain relief. There's the pill. There's different kinds of pills. There's, you know, there's so many different options, probably more than I'll ever even know about because I, you do tend to just take on the way you cope with it and that's how you move

forward in life you know the heat packs all these different things that you can get for your stomach and understanding at schools like even at school i remember being in secondary school and there's no way you were allowed to leave the classroom to go toilet no yeah it was horrible now of course that's your business the teacher has no right to make you sit there and like there's just a level of respect now thankfully that women have that wasn't there so getting i've gone totally off topic but getting back what does this woman do i guess you just be there for her empathize with how she's feeling again It's not wrong that she's angry and it's not wrong that she's afraid. I mean, how would you like it, Jar?

If you were a teenage boy or 11 year old boy and you knew pretty soon, I'm going to start bleeding for seven to eight days out of the lab. If it was my son and I was trying to do it, I'd follow your lead here and keep focusing on how this is a fact of life for all these women and you didn't realize it until now. You're only thinking about you. But in fact, this is women rise through this. Yeah.

And that's the best you can be. There's also an incredible book that Ellen Ryan, an Irish writer, has written about women girls who slay monsters is what it's called and it's actually for this age group and it is about the empowerment of celtic irish women actually and you know it's not as far as i know it's not about periods but it is about the strength of women throughout our time and And things like that can be very motivating. But I do feel for this mom. I feel for the little girl.

I feel for every little girl. I sometimes think the best thing I ever saw about women empowerment is the last scene in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, where Buffy gives the power of the slayer to every woman who was ever going to perhaps be called to be a slayer and I think that is that ties in with this movement but that ties in with this movement of women trying to empower other women by going don't see that as your weakness or something that's awful that's happening you see that as your look how powerful I's awful that's happening to you. See that as your, look how powerful I am.

Look at me getting up and going to work, even though I would way prefer to just cradle and lie in a fetal position in my bed for the rest of the week until this is over. But look, I'm out of my bed and I'm doing it. So, yeah, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. We'll put a link to it in the episode description. Buffy was great. That you're not in this on your own yeah it's probably the most powerful thing you can say to her and also what have we done while raising a boy in terms of periods we have made sure that our son knows about them i think that's as important as your daughter knowing yeah because i think as a mom and a dad

you have a responsibility to raise a young lad who's going to be kind to whatever lady might be in his life whatever woman he might work with whatever person he like woman he might who knows marry or you know be his boss boss or interact with let's get rid of this boring dialogue of oh have you got your period is that why you're being irrational easy that's what i was told that that was like that's what drives women crazy like how dare you that's what we can say that about ourselves i mean i joke about how the relief of when my period comes and i know oh that's why i was so upset and emotional don't give that to your son don't arm him with that that's not okay well my final question is um what advice would you give to a dad in this situation where

you're actually feeling resentment from your daughter over this oh well then you know what i would just tell him to do just meet it with kindness just you know buy her the chocolate get her the magazines get her the you know try and show her that you're trying to understand what she's going through that's a really good actually jar i like that uh being open and honest and showing her that you know she's sad and this this is horrible shows her that you're trying to understand what she's going through I think get her the flowers get her you know a little book about periods there's this really funny book my friend got me about vaginas and it's really good I think every young girl should have it and it's funny but it's really informative too and even things i didn't know as a 41 one year old woman and actually that thing that mom mentioned

about the stroke pain is in that book too but uh yeah i think just get get dads to be a bit kinder about it don't be embarrassed there's nothing to be embarrassed about. Yeah, you need dad on site. That's for sure. If dad's in the picture or if there's two moms, the men in your life. Yeah, but as a mom of boys too, let's talk about our periods. Yeah. Definitely. Mikey's well aware.

Periods. I think everyone should be. I have one final, less serious question to finish things off with. Sometimes we have to be careful when punishing. Who is this punishment really for? Is it for us to feel justified? Release some vengeance? Yes.

Or is it actually going to help our kid? And that makes me think about as well sometimes when dealing with our kids in all areas sometimes we need to keep in our heads well who is this really for is it for me or is it for the kid like i'm talking about hoax i'm talking about a lot we have to be really careful that there's space because i don't know about you but i'm noticing the more out and about we are sometimes as grown-ups we're really not respecting children's space we feel an entitlement to just be in their space like no matter what they've been doing yeah we just jump into their space and expect them to when do we ask a kid is now a good time when do we ask a kid is now a good time. When do we ask a kid is now a good time? Why don't we do that? I don't know if I do that.

I don't think I do. I think we have to be, watch our egos as grown-ups sometimes. And also, you know, we were always have the problem with the kid barreling into the room talking. Yeah. Yeah. Do we do it? We do it. Definitely.

I do it. Into their bedroom. Yeah. What's going on in here not knock on the doors now at the time yeah oh my god and you know what was great um mikey got one of his whiteboards and put up on his room uh mikey's room open for business open for business that's what he said but it was enough for me to know oh he wants us to knock on his door boundary yeah yeah and i thought that was really great that he'd come to that on his own but i i can't remember who it was who said

to me once when the mom uh one of my nursery mothers was really coming back for like the tent hug and you're like who is it for now who is this hug for and i feel like this week something i'm going to be practicing is is this for me or is this for mikey because if it's just me who needs this i need to watch myself you know as they get older like we've dealt with a lot of older children questions today they've all been like teenagers pre-teens and it's hard for us as parents because we miss the cutie pies sure and but some stuff it's okay if this is for you right what do you mean well like it's part like you're sending your kids to activities after school for that and partially to give yourself a bit of time to get stuff done oh yeah i'm

completely not talking about that though that's all very yeah of course i'm talking about the times when they are trying to have some private time and you invade it yeah because you think we need to have time together but are we actually respecting that they're already doing something yeah i don't know yeah no i think it's and i think that it's food for thought at the end of the show i definitely struggle even with all my experience i miss the baby i miss the toddler i miss the cutie stuff i mean there's a picture on the wall behind tina right now yeah of me and Mikey in full costume on a day when we dressed as old men

with beards and wandered around our local neighbourhood in England pretending we were elderly men. Yeah, and Mikey really believes that nobody

recognised him. No one recognised us. Both all of me and Alexander. Two crazy old men. And Aristotle. Yeah. It's something that Tina captured in the image.

And I do look at it and think, he won't do that. No. And that's my thing. That's the thing, right? Yeah, that's my thing. How do we allow our children to become teenagers while still enjoying them the same way we did when they were tiny? Because are a lot of the conflicts coming from just how much you miss the cutie pie stuff yeah you know i don't know for sure but like

you can you can grieve that period being over there has to be a way to recognize that there's some brilliant stuff oh yeah them being teenagers and being able to actually sit down and have deep meaningful conversations with them absolutely at the right moment but it is never would have had when they were six and gone have you heard about paw patrol yeah i guess it's i guess it's that they don't need you that much anymore and there's an inner drive for them to be independent and you i'm trying to catch myself and respect that like you know well i really need you on this podcast you know because i do not know what i'm talking about when it comes to kids and i am so grateful that you are getting thrown these curveballs every single week guys and getting

back to everyone yeah and providing these answers when this is not what you do i have been doing podcast for 10 years and standing up on my hind legs but this is all new to tina and well in the anniversary or not it is the anniversary of our podcast and i want to say thank you and congratulations on your first year in the business absolutely flying out number one in the charts take that amy hoover oh we love you amy you'll probably knock us off the top right now no it is we had this this was a private podcast for a long time that just went out on irishman above patreon and it's only what is it six months in the public but yeah you're right it's a year but

also the kidney anniversary can't be scoffed out at who gives away their kidney but in many ways i do think that kidney was holding me back but i do think it'd be funny um if the listeners knew just how adverse i am to this public thing we while at lewis capaldi we were in the bar with these like a lot of people who very nice people media people yeah and one of them was like you guys should

you should come on our show and I was like no thanks straight away no thank you that's okay no thanks no

no but I love that this is our show this is our special place and you are our special listeners thank you for tuning in for rating, commenting

and subscribing if you haven't done that please do it yeah and our the community is so lovely that's why i feel so comfortable but i know my limits tv not it i don't want to do that see you next time thanks again to everyone and thank you team i love you darling honey you're ruining our kid is an irishman abroad podcast presented in association with go loud editing research and production by jarlett and tina regan find us on patreon.com forward slash irishman abroad today don't forget to email tina your questions on honey you are ruining our kid at gmail.com because hey in all fairness it's hard to raise kids not to be gobshacked