Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Ep 21 Bedwetting, Berlin & The Kid That Won't Wear Shoes

Episode Date: February 20, 2023

The triple whammy this week - refusal, breastfeeding and bedwetting. Midterm is over but before the reality of school lunches and school runs kicks in, join us for this fun chat about some very serious problems and Jarlath getting it all wrong again on Valentine's Day! Episode 21 of Honey You’re Ruining Our Kid is a belter. On this week's episode we deal with perhaps the cutest (while head melting) question yet. Tina devises a plan to get a tiny early walker wearing her shoes. Are you ready to stop breastfeeding? Is the don’t offer, don’t refuse technique not working? What can you do? Well listen in and hear what methods Tina has to convince your child to drop their addiction to the boob. Are you living with a chronic bedwetter? What is fair to expect if your child seems to lack any control of their bladder. Is there ever a situation where toilet training is a waste of time? Tina has seen it all but this one might need your help. Email [e-mail] to contact the show or pose a question to Tina. Find us on Patreon to support the show or follow us on Instagram for updates and fun posts that can help you find the laughter in parenting these little darlings.

it's only you're ruining our kid the parenting pocket the number one parenting podcast from the irishman abroad podcast network on the go loud network and everywhere you get podcasts thank you so much for tuning in i'm joined as always by the brains of the operation tina the brains brains the operation let's face it people aren't coming here to hear what i think of the kids and what they do no one's gonna wonder what jars take is um i don't know okay fair enough i don't know what i offer here but i am uh loving the questions that we have this week yeah the topics we're going to cover is a kid that won't wear shoes yeah have you got have you got a kid that won't wear a jacket or won't wear a

thing well tina might have the answer yeah for you this week or certainly have a strategy what's the second question well breastfeeding and weaning your child off how best to do it specialist subject you do love the experience and after that the final question bedw question. Bedwetting. Bedwetting. Again, another one of mine. It's the three whammies today, really. The three big ones. Refusing, trying to breastfeed and not breastfeed anymore, and then wetting the bed. Yeah. Well, look, thank you all for submitting your emails to

honeyyouareruiningourkid at gmail.com. Yeah, massive thank you because we're getting loads of emails in. So I know there's a few people I haven't got back to yet but I'm really just trying to come up with the best strategy

she's working on it and she's not at all stressed out by the amount of emails only because I want to get it right but I am happy to see all the emails

come in I'm never going to complain about that so keep emailing you on help come to me I will definitely reach back out to you

we're off to Berlin I'm doing some shows we are going to germany the home of stand-up comedy yeah and i'm touring around with my show jarzilla so if you'd like to meet tina myself come to one of those shows we'll be in bloomsbury theater in london on march 12th for the big saint patrick's day show we will be in dundrum on march 18th we'll also be in in Bristol on March 11th, if you want to go to the Hen and Chickens there. There's loads more dates. You can find them all. And what you're not saying is they're selling out really fast. So if you want to come,

grab your ticket fast because Charlotte is flying it at the moment. So it's really nice. Let's get to it. Let's get straight to question number one. to it let's get straight to question number one okay first question of the week thank you so much for the podcast it's so refreshing and reassuring to listen to and i'm finding it so helpful for the two kids i have under the age of two under the age of two okay i was hoping that you would have any sort of advice to help with this i have a 19 month old girl who is a strong, independent, amazing young lady. My favourite type of pretty girl. She has been walking since 11 months but has always refused to wear shoes. When you try to put them on her, she freaks out. I mean screaming to wake the dead, crying and pulling them off as she's getting

older i'm getting more and more worried about it because she's missing out on so much exploring in parks and playgrounds and now in crash they have to leave her in the room while everyone does yard time oh man she's so tiny this is terrible i know also selfishly we've a four month old who wants to be held all the time so if we go anywhere i end up carrying both of them i don't think that's selfish that's backbreaking if you're to try and hold both of these kids she needs she needs help yeah we've tried softly messaging how great shoes are do you mean leaving them around the house making a big deal of us putting on our shoes look at us the game show hosting i love that i love that watching elmo we've brought every kind of shoe get her properly measured and tried to get crash involved none of

it is working we've also just put them on and let her scream it doesn't work it just ramps up and she doesn't stop until they're off and i don't have the heart to listen to her scream that long she is a baby like that's true when does it become traumatizing would you have any advice or is there something that will or is this just something that will work itself out which is a good question thank you so much for your help love the podcast Anonymous well I mean it's the cutest question ever like I know this per mother

not cute when they're screaming the whole time no no it's not but I love the idea of this little strong-willed one and a half year old that's what we're talking about 19 months she's one and a half and she's like nope no shoes for me

cute if it's not your kid yeah yeah and I'm terrible when it comes to the strong willed girls. I'm like, I'm terrible because I'm like, yeah, you go on. You never lose that. No, you don't need to wear shoes. But no, she does need to wear shoes. Now the mom's right.

Hopefully this will work itself out. But she's right. Right now she needs a plan because she's got a tiny little baby and she can't realistically carry two babies around the whole time. She can't about three days to sorting this out. No, what can she do? This is a one and a half year old. She has comprehension.

So your child at that age can understand what you're asking them to do. They might not be able to explain their understanding, but they definitely can. Understand and hear you. I was going to say follow orders, but they definitely can understand and hear you I was going to say follow orders but they definitely can follow orders what can she do I

everything they're doing so far would have been something I said the messaging is brilliant the only thing I'd add to that is get the little four month old in little shoes and talk about how good

look at your sister's shoes they're amazing you hate when I did it you're always like bringing in the baby no i love it but like i use that other child no but definitely be like isn't she brilliant how she wears her shoes oh they're so good on her just that kind of indirect not really saying anything negative about the child but just making sure she overhears her praising the baby for wearing them so don't praise the baby for wearing the shoes and then hold eye contact definitely don't do that because what will happen is you'll have a child who who starts modeling that behavior i mean they model it all don't they

but uh also something that i think would work here is a visual board and what i mean when i say that is just a piece of for a four card right and maybe if you have a polaroid camera or one of those cameras you're always laughing at it you have told me about this method and i think it's adorable yes and what this could work what i need this mom to do and i think this will work for this age is you get velcro and you take pictures of things that you do in your house right that require shoes so you take a picture of the shoes you take a picture of maybe you know grocery store and the park take a picture of just outside take a picture of the playground and then take a picture of things she likes like a story hugs from mommy sweets i don't know are they allowed sweets at that age not really but whatever

and then you make you take loads of these pictures and then so what you do is you get the air floor piece of card you get the three pieces of velcro and you push first you put the picture of the shoes then you put the picture of say they're going to the park and first you put the picture of the shoes, then you put the picture of, say, they're going to the park, and then you put the picture of the reward. So like the sweets or the biscuit or the book. And you explain to her, when you put on the shoes, we take this picture off, and then we're going to go to the park.

When we're finished at the park, we take this picture off, and then you get this reward because you wore your shoes. And she takes that picture off and you give her what she's getting. And you use this for as long as you need to. Now, this is good because sometimes that little one-and-a-half-year-old might just not know, well, why do I have to wear these shoes? And this is visually showing her. Then now and next.

The shoes have to go on to go to this place, and then we can take them off. And a Polaroid camera is amazing for this because you don't have to wait to print them out you can just you know do it really fast so let me ask you this tina because this isn't you just making this up off the dome we use this a lot watched this work there's a lot in early years education there are a lot of children who just can't understand verbally or comprehend the demand you're putting on them and they just need to see it visually so it's called a visual chart and you just very simple like sometimes we just keep them to two steps two photos but in this case i think she actually needs to see the shoes the reason and

the reward yeah um now if that doesn't work what does this mom do because this is really hard she doesn't like to hear her cry out but really your child is refusing to listen to a safety thing and has realized that crying enough will eventually yeah and they're so clever at this age they really are like if you if she's not willing to do the visual board which really does work but mommy has to remain in charge of that the child is allowed to take the pictures off but mommy has to be the one to put them on and choose the activities um then she can you can sit that child down and say if you want to go to the park you have to wear your shoes do you want to go to the park yeah then you have to wear your shoes not wearing the shoes wait till they're stop crying

do you want to go to the park and what she's saying is that with a new child that's harder to do yeah absolutely i mean this is a wider question for you tina that people who have a newborn can tend to be like can we really we just don't have time to go into this with the old it's very overwhelming yeah it's very overwhelming i feel for so much and it could And that's why I feel for her so much. And it could just be that this little girl, being so clever, has realised, this is where I get attention. Mummy has taken so much attention, has gone to the baby, but mummy really wants me to wear these shoes.

And when I don't wear the shoes, I get so much attention. And not only that, I get carried by mummy. I get close up like the baby, you know. I mean, what are our kids always looking for they're always looking for our attention and it's so tough because of course you're trying your best to give them but they just want that eye contact and more often than not when that poor mommy is stressed out and trying to get those shoes on the kids probably delight it because she's got her mother completely to herself in those moments and it doesn't make sense as a parent you think no they couldn't enjoy that but they do because they don't even

know they're enjoying it they just know i've got mommy and daddy all to myself right now it's tricky because how can you figure out a way to praise them to make it yeah that they're getting more attention for putting them on well it is just you have to make it yeah that they're getting more attention for putting them on well it is just you have to make that conscious decision yourself to be like i only praise her when she has the shoes on it's what i kind of spoke about unpack any the other day this idea of um i'm forgetting it again but the delayed delayed gratification right for these things like we are over praising our children we we still do it i'm i'm telling other parents not to over praise their kids and we still do it with our kid because we've got this one child and everything he does impresses us it's just but that's what being a parent is but if you go back to the montessori

thing my training montessori approach is when you praise a child for doing something that was easy, they're like, what? They're confused. They're so confused. They're like, well, she's impressed with that. Yeah. So it's really important to just acknowledge things sometimes and not praise them and save that praise for when they do something you actually want them to do. I know this mom said that she tried different shoes, but is there anything to be said for those little softy shoes that aren't quite shoes? They're like socks.

I was going to say that those are what we use to transition Mikey for shoes. Because if you remember, first of all, because Charlotte's obsessed with sneakers, we got a lot of gorgeous gifts from our friends, a lot of sneakers. Mikey had no time for them. Much like this baby, he was like kicking them off, didn't want them. So what we did when he was much younger than this we got the socks with the grips and then we transitioned to those little leather shoes you can get which might just work for these people it might just work because at least there's something on her foot i would suggest shoes need to go on in the morning they're not just something for outside

the child needs to be taught that you know know, you get to wear these shoes. Yeah, this is part of you getting dressed now. Maybe, you know, show her this thing of keeping you safe really helps with kids. Telling your child, the reason you have to wear shoes is because my job is to keep you safe. That's my job. Sprinkle some Lego or sharp objects around so that she understands this is too painful.

But she is going to hurt herself. It is a safety issue. I'm thinking home alone, the Christmas decorations. It is. Micromachines. It is a lot though because she mentioned

that the child isn't being allowed a crash. She's not getting her lunch break. That means trained professionals aren't able to get her shoes on. So this is serious. So I hope this really helps. And if it, as always,

Tina's going to get back to this mom. Yes, I haven't been in touch with this mom yet and I am going to be. But what I can reassure this mother is that in my 20 years of working in early years with children maybe as young as two and a half up, there have been plenty of days where I have had to sit in during lunchtime with a very step stubborn child who refuses to put on their shoes and if you can find the time and the calmness in yourself to just keep doing would you like to go outside then you need to put on

your shoes they will cave as long as you don't get angry as long as you make it as boring as you possibly will can they will put on their shoes and when they do put on your shoes their shoes and they stand up and they're ready to go you give them a big hug and you say i am so proud of you thank you for listening now off you go and have fun is there anything to be said and we'll probably cut this out that those teachers that are denying this kid the lunch break outside is actually making inside more crack? I doubt it's more crack. From knowing how that works, I actually feel for that mom.

Like, if the people in the crash can't get her to do it, there's no way it makes more sense for them to keep her inside. They want all the kids outside. so this is a big problem i think the visual board is a good start if that doesn't work get back to me because maybe there's a sensory issue here with the feet maybe she actually needs to go to the doctor maybe there's something she needs some kind of feet exercises maybe her foot is genuinely hurting so there's there's potentially other other things here but if you're having trouble getting your kid to do something or other get in touch with us yeah because you'd be amazed how many of these emails that we're getting around my kid won't do

x my kid won't do y my kid won't wear a coat won't just look after themselves in that way it is important to remember that with this email someday this mom is going to remember this and it's going to be the cutest part of that little 21st birthday party yeah she's going to be like you wouldn't put on your shoes someday like these are the moments we go oh my god can you believe that this too will pass yeah yeah it will pass it will so our second email this week i'm going to read it out because i've had this email for a while and it's the hardest one i've gotten in uh so it's it's a breastfeeding email which i always find tricky and it just says hey dean and jarlett i heard you on

pat kenny after christmas and i really I heard you on Pat Kenny after Christmas, and I really enjoyed catching up on your podcast ever since. They're fantastic. It always feels weird to read out a compliment, doesn't it? I always read out a compliment. But that's really nice to hear. So she says, thank you for all the advice. She has two boys who are seven and five and a little girl who's two and a half.

And she has managed to breastfeed all of them while having IVF to try and get pregnant with them all so because of the IVF she's had to be quite swift with the first two and the oldest child she stopped feeding him at nine months and the second child 11 months which I think is pretty amazing to be fair that's a long time to breastfeed so well done this mummy now in this email she says that the second child found not getting breastfed anymore very upsetting and uh the process was very unsettling for him and she also found it very traumatic so when she had her third child she having to have IVF as well she had to stop breastfeeding him and uh she's I can sense from this email that she is worried about stopping with her so when you say it was it was difficult

what do you mean what's in the email I know you're trying to protect all the details well it's yeah it is a very intimate email so she just said that you know with the second child when she stopped breastfeeding him he stopped coming to her and would just go to daddy all the time and he he'd only come to me when he was very upset if daddy wasn't around that's rough really rough even for a hug or anything like that just daddy and she obviously found this very upsetting as well now with their little girl she wanted to let her just wean herself this is obviously they're not going to have any more IVF three bouts of IVF and maybe so much more that we don't even know about it's so hard so

this mom must be so tired that's all I get from this email is that yeah this mom must be so tired so she has said that she wanted to do baby led weaning of this breastfeeding with her third child what does that mean as in she's kind of allowing her the space to stop breastfeeding when she doesn't want to right so you give the bottle as the option yeah however she's been showing no signs of wanting to do this she does drink water and milk from a normal cup and from a sippy cup but if she's tired or upset she only wants a breastfeed some nights she can go all the way through the night till five or six does drink water and milk from a normal cup and from a sippy cup but if she's tired or upset she only wants a breastfeed some nights she can go all the way through the night till five or six in the morning before wanting a feed however she could wake up during the night and jump out of bed into

my room and she'll want the feed and she'll fall asleep beside us so they're really tired we do offer her a suitor and milk in a bottle but again this doesn't always work in october i started reading some books about stopping breastfeeding my milk will go away and boobie moon she doesn't seem to take much notice of them i've been following the advice of don't offer don't refuse which is fabulous that's the methods of stopping breastfeeding don't offer and don't refuse but she's really not reducing the amounts of feeds at all we don't know what do. I don't want to make this upsetting or traumatising for her, but we don't know what we should do to try and help her wean. It doesn't feel like she will do it herself naturally

if we continue with this approach. So I really feel like the trauma of... The previous child. Yes. And what happened? She's so worried. She's carrying that. And she's projecting.

Imagine the rejection of your child running by you. But Ger, you know, while this did happen and she can pinpoint the reason for it, sometimes at that age, that can just happen anyway. He can just be a dad's kid. Yeah, they can just all of a sudden start favouring the dad. Prefer a dad. They just can. And they do come back, but it can be so upsetting.

It never happened in our house. Do you know? Well, it it did he barely trusts me now you know well it did but yeah i just felt so sorry for her and like i say with this question i didn't want to come back to it too fast because i was worried about first of all this woman sounds like she's tried everything right there's also this fear in her that she doesn't want to get it wrong with this child. Yeah, there's a lot of responsibility for you answering this. Yeah, well, yeah. And also, I didn't really get to breastfeed Mikey that long. So I don't feel like this is an area of expertise personally for me.

But I do have a lot of expertise helping other moms through it because... And in the behavior of children in general. Yeah, yeah. So I think it's amazing that she's got to two and a half and this little girl has got to be breastfed the whole time that's amazing the don't offer don't refuse is brilliant but sometimes we forget that just because you're told don't refuse it doesn't mean that doesn't mean coming with a distraction you know they're not saying okay don't offer the breast but if it's asked for give it straight away yeah

you know you can try and distract the child to the don't refuse yeah it doesn't mean okay you asked for it so i better give it it's like see if you can get away with distracting them with another activity never say pfo yeah yeah no yeah but but that's what i'm saying is yeah it's like it's it's not never refuse even the slightest suggestion that that might be what they want yeah but if all else fails if all else fails exactly don't refuse and then there are just other things that I'm sure this mom knows. And a part of me took ages getting back to this mom and approaching this question on the podcast because I just didn't want to be sound like, you know, condescending. Yeah, and the waggy finger. We are not that podcast.

That's not who you are either. Yeah, but also she's trying everything. So I didn't want to be coming to her with something she's already tried. But there are things that really do work. Changing, shaking the routine up. So in the morning, it's disassociating what that child's fixed pattern with breastfeeding is. Yeah. So in the morning, if the normal thing is for your child to come in and have a little snuggle and a bit of time on the boob, get up before your kid.

This is two and a half year old child. Get the breakfast table ready. Be already dressed. And when your kid gets up, just direct them downstairs to the table and just don't say anything about the boob. You are going to change the patterns here. Yeah, a game show host that. Yeah, you're changing it all. This is more fun than anything.

Like the older two boys are in school. She's got time with this little girl on her own. Get out of the house. Do things around the times when feeds normally are. Very good. Where you're not in the house, you're not there. Don't wear clothes that are easily accessible for the child. We've all seen it.

We've all seen the kid who knows how to button down their shirt, the blouse or whatever and reach in for the boob. And also don't dress in front of your kid don't share in front of your kid all these things matter you're looking at me like i'm crazy but they all matter i mean it's just such a new world to me and what you're advising makes an awful lot of sense but i have nothing to add here it's so tricky though because it's nighttime isn't it it's nighttime when it's the hardest but what can you do this is a two and a half year old kid so you're gonna have to lean in yeah lean into your partner he's gonna try have to try and do the bed bedtime for a little while if she's associating bedtime with the boob you need to shake it up change the routine no

don't be there at bedtime have you passed this information on to this yeah i have i've gotten in touch with this and is there any word on how it's going um not yet but she was really lovely to me about it she understood my head is hesitancy a lot of sense and i think it has a wider implication for questions that we get around my kid is in this habit i cannot break the habit yeah when you're saying shake up the routines yeah to disassociate what is a habit or a behavior that you want them not to do the same principles apply yeah and i did also say to this mom maybe you were not ready yet you know that's true i mean it's pretty amazing she's managed breastfeed for this long having been through all that ivf and everything wow what a lady but maybe she's not ready yet this is obviously traumatizing for her she's saying this is the last baby this is the last one so I said that's okay too and also

if it's the opposite and she is ready and nothing is working your child is nearly three it is okay for you to sit down with them just have real talk mommy's milk is gone. It's not there anymore. And that's in those books that you mentioned. Yeah, but it's okay to do that too. I mean, they prefer you to use the don't ask, don't refuse approach, but it's absolutely fine if none of that is working. Maybe your child is the kind of child who just needs... The mommy's only have a limited amount of milk.

This milk is for the babies and you are not a baby anymore you're this amazing little girl and these are the things you need to drink you're always saying this team like you're always saying this and it's so something that needs to be repeated these kids at this age under selling them they can yeah understand complex theory oh well it's it's always so funny to me when i meet little people from my class out in the real world because when they're in my classroom and my age group is two and a half to five year olds when i'm teaching and i'm in there with these tiny little people but i'm treating them as grown-ups i'm expecting them to do all these tasks and sit and learn these lessons and everything and then i'll bump into them in the supermarket i'll be like oh my god he's so tiny

he works in my office when i meet him in the shop he's in the trolley in the baby chair and like he'd be doing the shelves i'm completely talking to him like he's a grown-up i'm expecting so much independence and thinking own thinking on his behalf and all these things and then i'll see him with his mom and i'm like oh god he's got a suitor in his mouth well i love the other part of this that you said which i can relate to and that is dialing back the urgency and the expectation on this and the only thing i can relate that to is running and deciding i'm gonna run a marathon in four hours and you put yourself under this tense strain that you've set up this timeline for yourself and suddenly you're like well maybe this

isn't right but somehow you forget you're the one creating the timeline. And that maybe when it comes to this breastfeeding, a little further down the road might make life an awful lot easier for everyone. Yeah. My worry for this mom is that she has put her body through so much for these kids already. She has given so much of herself for these children. And we know as parents, they don't really appreciate that. Like they love us back but they're not gonna go thanks for all that stuff you put yourself through for me until they have

their own kids so i would urge her if she can to do it for herself she needs some time with her own body again but i mean if it's not the right time for her i don't think she needs to push it but if she if it is the right time for her she's already doing so much of it right just maybe amp up the distraction get out of the house more don't be available to her wear different clothes and just change the routine set up loads of disassociations is that a word and um get daddy more involved at night time it's always a night time that's a scary time and also there is nothing wrong with real talk if your child was in my class i'd be talking to them like they were grown up don't be afraid they their comprehension level is amazing they know what's right and wrong they know what's expected of them

super super stuff tina if you have any other breastfeeding issues similar to this don't hesitate to email the show honey you are ruining our kid at gmail.com hey tina and jar i love the podcast so much hey pat i love the show i have three girls five and a half four and a half two and a half i fell into the pamper's trap of using pull-ups. So only night trained the eldest last year. It went surprisingly easily. Only two night accidents. Pretty cool.

I have tried twice to train the middle child. Failed. She takes after me and is a frequent peer. Thanks for that bit of info email her she is a really deep sleeper so i invested in the alarm pants i know i didn't even know about alarm pants i feel like i want to bear just i think in the regular run of things in the singleton life i would imagine alarm pants are when you see uh the person you're dating's pants and you realise, oh my God, he's gross. But what alarm pants are in the baby world is

if she pees in the pants, an alarm goes off. I know, I didn't know that. How cool is that? I kind of love it. What does the alarm sound like? It's not a siren. I don't know. We need to look it up.

After four changes a night, she set the alarm off and soaked the bed and still slept through it. Okay. I gave up. I heard your advice about trying to do daytime around the same time as nighttime. Yeah, I always say that. If you're going to toilet train, just do both at the same time. Ah, okay.

It's scary for parents, but actually the child just thinks you trust them. So they're like, why would I wear a nappy at bedtime? Right, yes. So she says, I decided to try it with the youngest. This piqued the middle child's interest, and she wanted to try it again too. Isn't that cool? interest and she wanted to try it again too isn't that cool i think we can all agree training them both at the same time would be a recipe for sleep deprivation yeah this time the alarm is waking her and she will get up and go to the toilet massive huge right yeah she also stops herself when the

alarm goes off so i have been getting away with just changing the pants and pj bottoms the bed is dry woohoo i have been cutting her off with the drinks i'm gonna have to cut you off you bet too much at 5 p.m yeah i know this is early but again i refer to the frequent peeing and i'm it's supposed to be a short-term measure she will do two peas before bed one before we read the book and one after she's still setting the alarm off once or twice a night this has gone on for three weeks and i am not loving the broken sleep i am trying to stay positive and focused on the huge improvements, but I am wondering whether she is just not ready and I should put her back into the pull-ups and try the youngest before she gets into the habit of peeing in her nappy at night. I tried the lifting method.

This poor mummy. She's even going in and lifting her onto the toilet. Oh, I didn't know that's what the lifting method is tried the lifting method and can get her to wee but she will still set the alarm off

later in the night imagine how sleep deprived this woman is I would ideally like her to wake up when she needs to pee but is that

asking too much the youngest is still having the odd daytime accident poos are a work in progress she will go in a potty and even go on her own which is awesome but we're we're not quite ready to poo on the big toilet even with the step and smaller seat do i wait until she has 100 mastered daytime or give

night time a go now sorry for the long email no apologies needed hopefully you can help because there's two problems right there's two kids yeah so i'll start with the youngest first because amazing that she's gone ahead and done that and the weeing and even getting to poo in the potty is incredible um what was she saying there do i get her to go at nighttime so she hasn't done the night and day together. What I would say to her is if she is getting, I always say to parents, don't start night time training or daytime training really until you've noticed that your child can go the whole night and have a dry nappy in the morning. And that's definitely not happening.

If that's not happening, wait for that to happen. Encourage it to happen. Talk about it. Talk about how. And her worry is it's never that to happen encourage it to happen talk about it talk about how and her worry is it's never going to happen no but i'm talking about the younger child right now oh okay right so you're talking about the middle child i'm saying to watch out if she wants to try and go without the nappy at night time for the younger child she'll know the child is ready if the nappy is dry in the morning that's the number one sign check it for three days in a row if she gets

there three days in a row go for your life okay okay and well done this mom this mom sounds amazing but also being sleep deprived and managing to write this email yeah she cares so much also what's really important is she's like for me if i read that without the mom explaining that she also has this problem i'd be like you need to get your child to the hospital. This is not normal. But luckily, she's put my mind at ease because she's like, I have a similar problem. Now, I would never, ever, ever tell someone to leave their child in a nappy or pants or pampers, pull up, sorry.

But this is very different. She has tried alarm pants pants she's tried lifting her she's talked about it to the child she's she has held back the water what's that restricted her water intake to 5 p.m she's done everything you can possibly do the only thing she hasn't done it maybe i don't know is bring her to a doctor I think maybe bring her to a doctor just in case because it's not normal to me to wet that

to be able to sleep through an alarm while wetting doesn't sound normal to me but then I have to keep in mind this mom says she's similar

and she gets up a lot during the night I mean I hate that if I wake up during the night needing to pee I am angry I'm like damn it

my sleep is interrupted I need my sleep yeah you guys don't think tina gets angry but she does i do with her own bladder i don't like being woken up yeah damn you bladder you definitely don't like being woken up that's advice okay stop waking me up um so i'm gonna go really what's the word unconventional unconventional i think this mom needs to feel okay about leaving this child in pull-ups at night time till when till the child is old enough to be mortified no to be more uh able to a little bit more mature and able to get out of her bed and not be afraid to go toilet and things like this and wake herself up i think that maybe mommy needs to sit down with this little

girl and have a chat with her about this what happens to you is not normal and i'm so sorry it's really tough because it's not fair look at your sisters they're able to manage at nighttime but it's not actually your fault for whatever reason your bladder and my bladder need to go toilet a lot during the night i've had it my whole life it's really not fun and now you have it too so i can understand okay can i ask you is it that like when you say this is unconventional i would say is it not risky what to give her the green card and go she's not giving her the green card i'm worried this child's gonna feel bad about herself i think mommy needs to say to her like tell her like i know this isn't normal, but it's, but mommy has it too. So I understand.

Your sisters don't have this. And it's so not fair. But if you're not able to wake up, we're going to have to put the pull-ups on. Because mommy can't keep waking four times during the night and changing the sheets. She's changing the sheets. Just because you put the pull-up on, you're not greenlighting her to wean it. You're saying, can we please try everything we're doing doing can we please keep trying to go to the toilet but if it happens at least the bed is not soaked i mean that's just like she's having to shower this child every

morning i'd imagine you're airing at the mattress every day i mean if it's out of her control what can you do yeah like she's tried everything i mean like a urinary specialist might be listening to this now yeah we might have someone who's a gpu listens to the show yeah and it could get in touch with us and go i've seen this what's that a urologist urologist yeah yeah like yeah that that is worth putting that word out there because this mom is epic as you say yeah she is coping with all this broken sleep and trying everything and not quitting on it not maybe there is a thing here that and maybe someone else listening to this has been through this yeah similar and that'd be great get all the info absolutely and i feel like

you know i think everything this mom has built is amazing and that's why the conversation with her child is important because you're going to say look you know the right thing to do you know weebies go in the toilet you know that when you feel your wee during the night, you're supposed to hold it and get to the toilet. For whatever reason, your bladder and my bladder don't work in our favourite night time. They're not really good to it. Like, let the little girl know this isn't fair.

And mummy knows you're trying. Others aren't going through this, but you are. Yeah, others aren't going through this. It's harder for us. So, to save our sanity we're going to wear the pull-up but i want you to try and not use it okay but at least if she has to wear the pull-up for a little while at least her sanity is a bit better and at least you've opened a dialogue i couldn't cope with that much interrupted sleep i couldn't you can't cope

with interrupted sleep now this mom has my god three children jar oh i know she's sleep i couldn't you can't cope with interrupted sleep now this mom has my god three children jar oh i know she's amazing she's a boss lady all of you guys that are coping with more than one child that is a mystery to me i used to do a joke that i knew i was sleep deprived when i found myself driving by a hospital thinking i wouldn't mind a night in there and that joke was funny because that happened i was in the back of the car looking at the matter fondly i was like oh the good old days when i used to get a little drip into me put on the in-betweeners is what you used to watch oh the good old days and i was up there in the matter hospital um yeah so i don't think that is defeat though no because this

is different yeah and that's why this podcast is so important because that mom felt safe enough asking us because she is asking what to do uh is it okay okay to do this so as i say let's throw the net out yeah see if anyone else has anything similar to this so uh get in touch with us honey you're ruining our kid at gmail.com is the way to get in touch of course uh we are on patreon too that's how the show is supported if you want to go over there and get bonus episodes with a whole range of other questions and access to all the irishman abroad episodes including steve coogan who's coming on the show next week that episode will be out next sunday do it but we really want to know if you've seen something similar particularly if you're a

urologist can i just say though steve coogan's not coming on honey you're in your kid no he's coming on irish that would be that would be hilarious so this is the end of our show we are back from Berlin. We know we started this show. We were going to Berlin. Yes. In the meantime, we recorded bits and starts of this episode while we went to Deutschland to bring the comedy to the people of Chamonix,

who did not know the meaning of the word crack, it turns out, or gobscheit. And much to my delight, Charlotte and Mikey spoke with German accents the whole time we were there. All the time, making up words. Which wasn't annoying at all. She didn't have a...

She didn't have a... I mean, it bugged you so intensely. I was amazed. We were just taking the piss, but you were just like... I think at one point I walked into the wall on purpose. I was like, make this stop. You know, sleep deprivation came up in the show today. And you've been suffering with that yourself at the moment.

But nothing compared to what these moms and dads are dealing with. I have been burning the midnight oil myself. And I've not been myself at all over the last week. Like the work has been just so mental. Things have been so crazy. Yeah, you've been pulled here, there and everywhere. Touring and the, you know, I just jumped into the hot seat for Moncrief all of a sudden.

Oh yeah, that was great. On Newstalk, which is one of the big national stations here in Ireland. And I thought there is a question in here for honey ruining our kid and parents that are dealing with sleep deprivation and watching their partner screw up in ways like Tina you did a beautiful post for our anniversary oh my god and you said excuse this saptastic post yeah and I was so sleep deprived and so all over the shop that i quickly read it and thought you had said something very okay i would never use about special needs saptastic you can imagine what i thought she said i'm not going to say the word

we are yeah myself and mike you're in the hotel room lights are out jarlett's gone downstairs to edit the running podcast yeah and he comes into the room like burst in the door yeah literally like you're rolling in on the lights like tina you can't use that word i was like i get this post down i don't know what canceled what i thought it was nice. Yeah. Then he tells me the word he thinks I've used. And I was like, there's just no way. I would never say that. There's just no way.

And then I read the message. I'm like, no, Jared, it didn't happen. Get out of here, you dope. Well, why did you bring that up? Well, I did wonder if you had any advice for people for grown-ups experiencing sleep deprivation well charlotte let's if we're this is like real like couple counseling here but you work you work crazy hours you like you get up most days at half five and then you don't go to bed till one o'clock there's your problem right yeah but i'm not really talking about that but you're working

consistently people don't realize you working all that time and then you squeeze in running running yeah oh and 23 kilometers today you're tired because you're working too hard yeah but i'm not talking about me i am more talking about it made me empathize with people because that was like full uh i don't use the term much baby brain level. Don't say that to Kate Middleton. But I felt like I had felt during the week like I felt when my son was really tiny. You know, that headache that never goes away. That feeling that your eyes are never fully open. And the only thing that's keeping your engine running is the food and coffee that's going into your body. Well, that is a point. I don't know if moms are thinking about themselves enough when they're minding their babooks.

Are you putting enough fuel in there? Are you putting enough fuel in the tank? Are you drinking enough coffee? I mean, thank God for coffee during those early days. What would we do without it? So that's the final tip and well is i can't pretend that there's any magic fix there isn't the reality is you're gonna feel so tired and no one's gonna help you and you'll want somebody to help you but nobody will i

remember episode one of this podcast it's available on patreon i think we re-released it oh yeah that's the thing of these parents that get so hung up on sleep deprivation that they're like i just want my sleep oh oh and i said the thing i wish someone i didn't say get over it which you feck off i did not say that i said i wish somebody had told me you're not gonna get your sleep back for ages stop wanting the sleep that's not coming because then i would have just relaxed but instead i was like any day now i'm gonna like we just talked about the hospital thing that was a real thing where i looked at the hospital and thought i gotta get a week in hospital at least there i would get sleep and i wouldn't feel

bad about it because that's the thing the guilt you feel so bad about it i would love to be one of those moms who can nap when the baby naps who are they do they exist who are those moms there's so much to be done in that window but also if they are managing that that's amazing but how do they do it how does that happen the worst thing that can happen in your relationship is if you find your partner asleep. Oh, God, yeah. I mean, is that grounds for divorce? That's what I want to know. Well, Gerald, it's a comic, so you'd go away quite a bit. You wouldn't tell me how nice the hotels are.

I couldn't. He would ring me and be like, oh, this place is awful. Total dive. I can't get any sleep. You'd hate it here. And then I'd be like, I'm looking through his phone and I'd be like, this looks like a palace. Where were you? Anyway, this is a mad question.

I don't have advice for that, because if you have a lovely, lovely mother or mother in law or aunt or sister or somebody who takes your baby out for a while and you get to sleep, that's amazing. But you're going to be tired for a while. I think the advice is, if I was to hazard a guess at the advice to the people that are like, yeah, the sleep deprivation thing is actually ruining my life and sending me crazy and I'm making much, much worse mistakes than confusing the word septastic with another word that sounds like it. Yeah. I would say, just like your answer in this about it will pass. It will pass.

The sun is rising. It does feel like it's never ending. Yeah. But it is glacial in its progress. But then there comes a morning. It is coming when you wake up and you had a night's sleep. Yes. And there also comes a morning when your children are that little bit older

and you can say things like, play in your room for a little while. I need more sleep. And why not say that to your kid? Why should your kid not think that you need more rest? Like, it's not okay to wake up this early. Or where your partner is sound enough to go and take them off somewhere yeah that's the dream yeah i feel like this valentine's day you just thought i was a crap romantic and i'm like what are you using the podcast for final story final story before we get

out of here final final story stop with the story final story before we get out of here. No, stop with the stories. Final story. No, stop with the stories. Final story before we get out of here. I wanted to put a bouquet of flowers in the room. Oh, my God. I go to a reception task and I say, I didn't speak like that. I said, I want to put a 50 euro bouquet in the room while we're at breakfast. You bring them up. You make that happen. Oh, yeah, no problem.

Yeah. How much? It was a lovely hotel. 50, 50 euros. He's like, oh, yeah. Okay. No problem. No kind of problem.

And I go to bed. I'm like, right. Well, at least that's sorted. And we'll go out for breakfast. Go back from breakfast. No sign of this. And the guy looks at me blankly as I walk in the door like we've never met and i didn't even think of flowers because i didn't think you would know how to organize flowers in another country that's the

level of faith but i didn't so when i come back you're we yeah well a bunch of stuff happens eventually i have to go to a reception and go what is happening with the flowers and they go oh yeah they're in the office and i'm like oh yeah just like the plan fuck's sake i'll go get them i did not want her to see them i'd like her to see them on valentine's day because it's nearly three five o'clock at this point and this girl comes with a sprig that is the only way you can describe this 50 euro bouquet. I actually love them. A sprig of dead flowers. Yeah.

They were like flowers ready to be dried and put in a book. And I scratched my head and I said, I don't know what the flower places are in Germany, but is this a 50 euro bouquet? And she goes, oh, gross Gott. I thought you said they 15 15 i was like has this dude ever bought flowers for anyone in his life a 15 euro sprig of nonsense is what met tina in the room yeah but i came into the room and uh the lady had been to tidy it up. And I was like, oh, my God, what a sweetheart this lady is. I presumed she'd gathered some flowers from her garden and put them in a little tiny, like, minute.

That's how crap it looked. And I was like, I was in the middle of saying that when you were like, no, Tina, those are your flowers from me. Happy Valentine's Day. I hope you like dead tiny flowers I actually loved them but I it was very funny very funny

yeah I wasn't expecting anything yeah I have to point out that I didn't get any flowers off you but that's just

the inequality of the world we live in guys thank you so much for tuning in thanks for sending your emails thanks for coming out to the shows thanks for getting in touch and for I've had people coming up to me at my stand-up show going

tina's a legend by the way uh and i love that oh no um we got so many emails in over midterm because i said you know keep sending them in i'll get back to you i have so many to get back to you so please don't worry i will get episodes on the way yeah we're going to get all of these done and don't and the homework thing is is moving yeah and we're getting emails we're actually getting emails from people who are abroad saying they're actually considering moving home but this homework thing they hear us talking about has put the frighteners into them and they're like how bad is it and then they're describing their situation where they are and i'm like don't come back don't come home don't come back and then they're going you better sort it out before we get back i know we will we're gonna do it mark my words uh thank you so much again tina for doing this

i love you happy valentine's day and anniversary yeah 23 years myself and jar that's been going out together 23 years since i changed your life. I do love you, Charlie. Okay, we'll see you guys next week. Thanks for tuning in. Thank you so much for tuning in. Please, please recommend the podcast. If you know somebody that needs it in their life, please do that for us this week.

Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid is an Irishman Abroad podcast presented in association with GoLab. Editing, research, and production by Jarlik and Tina Regan. Find us on patreon.com forward slash Irishman Abroad today. Don't forget to email Tina your questions on Honey, You Are Ruining Our Kid at gmail.com because hey, in all fairness, it's hard to raise kids not to be gobshites. Thank you.