Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Ep 22 You're So Messy, I Bet You've Made A Mess While I Said This, Anxious Sleepers & More

Episode Date: February 27, 2023

Messy kids, anxious kids and kids that won't sleep in their own bed! This week we go around the world answering emails from people peppered all over the globe. Do you adore your children? Of course we all do - most of the time. But is there something that they are doing that is driving you around the twist. This week Tina helps a lovely mum organise her kids' messy habits. Children flipping love rules and boundaries - right? Surprisingly yes, they do! Nothing is more calming to a child than knowing what is expected of them. Realising your child hasn’t just been complaining and is actually struggling with anxiety is a tough pill to swallow. Lucky is the child whose parents realised this when listening to an episode of Honey You’re Ruining Our Kid. Getting in touch, reaching out for help is the right thing to do. This podcast is here to help. The Colour Monster gets another shout out. An incredible book that helps children understand their feelings. Helping our children know that all feelings are valid is important. Normalising all feelings is imperative to our kids' development. Does your child refuse to stay in their own bed? This is a common problem for all sleep deprived parents. Tina helps a listener feel empowered to get their sleep back on track in their house. Extra juicy bit - A follow up with the shoe dilemma child (the kid that refused to wear shoes) is up on Patreon this week. Join us on An Irishman abroad Patreon platform to listen to the bonus Honey You’re Ruining Our Kid content. www.patreon.com/irishmanabroad

it's honey you're ruining our kid the parenting podcast from the irishman abroad podcast network with me jarleth reagan and my wife the brains of the operation great to have you here today hello can you tell how tired i am we're very tired by looking at me i'm more tired than you jarleth can't keep his eyes you're always tired i'm never tired i always want to stay up all night though that i feel tired all the time and you're just one tire for one day and we'll stuff going on about it yeah but this is my tipping point it's pretty steep i uh was all sorts of doing all sorts of everything yesterday from recording podcasts to new stand-up and to also doing a late late late show that went on for hours and hours and hours and the end product is i relate to you if you're a parent out there right now feeling sleep deprived

i am fully back in that space when mikey was really small where you feel like you've got a cloud headache inside your skull your eyes aren't open fully that's where i am we need to do a sleep deprivation episode because i am telling you it makes you crazy it makes you crazy definitely not myself today i went very sad at one point earlier and then and then obviously, throughout this episode, you may hear it at different points. Yawning. I yawn a lot. Well, I have a story that will cheer you up. I just was going through little reels and stuff for our Honey, You're a Nair Kid Instagram page.

And I saw this really cute, funny story of a mom whose son is four years old. And she said the son's friend came up to her in the playground and said why does your why does your boy have two moms and she was like he doesn't and he was like he does he has two mommies why does he have two mommies and she said no he has one mommy i'm his mommy and he said no there's you that brings him to school and then there's the pretty mom that collects him every day she was saying that that's because in the morning she has not done her hair and makeup and she's only just about got herself together at the school run oh my gosh so like what a slap because if you're ever thinking i don't look that much different when i make up this little boy thought his friend had two different mothers

unbelievable what did she do did she push him in the chest no knocked him to the ground and said that's that's a push from both of his moms that's just the magic of kids right they're just so funny so honest well speaking of which we've got we've got some pure honest questions coming in hot this week we've got the anxious sleeper question this is a really tough one about anxiety in a very small kid yeah around thumb sucking and picking and we also go back in the patreon juicy goodness over on patreon we revisit and follow up on a question that we had or you may remember it the kid that wouldn't wear shoes what's happened there my favorite cutest question sorting it out sorting it out and over on patreon dot com forward slash irishman abroad you can hear what happens we also have a question about

the kid that won't sleep in their own bed. Yeah. And that is a very common problem. Yeah. And Tina, of course, handles that one. What was our first question again? What was the other question we did? Our first question.

We talked about, oh, tidying up and everything having its place. Messy little factors. Yeah. A mom who, a lovely mom got in in touch she does need some help teaching her kids and boundaries are in the house and what's my favorite part about that is that we establish that i am extremely messy and tina is perfect yeah that's pretty much it that's really good bang on jar bang on good evening jarlet and tina i'm so glad I found your podcast in a world of influencers and preachy experts, inverted commas. Your podcast is a breath of fresh air and you offer great advice.

You're not judgmental and you're both very entertaining. And I was just raving about it to some of my friends earlier. Brilliant. We need that. Yeah, do that. I'm Maltese living in Malta. Although our culture may vary a little on some points, our culture is a complete mishmash of British and Mediterranean culture. So many of the issues you tackle are so relatable,

including your Catholic guilt comments, which make us giggle. We've all had some Catholic upbringing of some sort. So again, super relatable. My question is this, though. It's around helping children to become organized and feel responsible brilliant oh this is a tough nut to crack i have a lovely seven-year-old boy and a four-year-old girl very sweet respectful and kind children very they do very well at school and are cheery and happy kids we moved into a beautiful house

about two years ago and they have lovely large rooms lots of storage but the mess they always leave behind them is horrendous this are you sure this woman is an irish they always refuse to put anything away and i end up doing everything and it is let me tell you it is exhausting for me i don't know what a maltese accent sounds like but that that's how i'm hearing this they rarely pick up after themselves they leave a trail of everything they're using behind them and will always say i'll get to it later mommy oh wow i'm in the middle of something if i ask them to pick it up that's all i get what upsets me the most is seeing board games and toys and books and clothes and stationery left lying about that would kill me that would yeah this is it it's like this you also because you didn't have that stuff when you yourself when you're a kid they're lucky to she's there straight there they're lucky to have it at all but at the same

time they're not entitled bratty children they do not ask for much and they do enjoy and use everything that's given to them but they take such poor care of it. If I or my husband don't put it away, everything will likely end up ruined or lost. Right. That is a killer. I've tried to explain things nicely. I've even ended up raising my voice. That's totally understandable. How do I help them to feel more responsible for their belongings?

Brilliant email. It's an amazing email. That is brilliant. I think that's what we need. There's more to the email. There's more detail that we can get into a little bit later. She asks, can you recommend any strategies to tackle this, please? I'm very present at home and do my best, but I can't seem to crack this one.

What a brilliant and timely email yeah now that is a brilliant one and it's a really important one for most homes because the more respected things are within a home the more respect there is in a home it is linked and if they're not respecting their items and their belongings they probably will trickle down and they'll stop respecting their mom and dad too i love how much she loves her kids you can really tell from that email and it's great that she defends this behavior on some level don't get me wrong they're good kids yeah she's really enjoying the little people they are and uh it's great that she's listening all the way from malta

and recommending it to her friends i mean we're getting emails now from everyone all across the world so that's pretty cool but just like i'd advise someone i know here the same advice goes you need to give everything in that house a place so that it's very easy tidy up is easy because it makes sense to put it back in the place that that belongs everything in your house should have a place it belongs to yeah and that so it's really easy for the kid to know where to put it and that that can be done by just her creating the areas book corner puzzle shelf you know toy box and miscellaneous yeah which is that's that's my way of tidying it's like this is my if you could see my desk right now it is yeah actually you're not a great example but i think i oscillate between

super neat and completely disorganized well you know charlotte's brilliant if he's living on his own whenever he's away from us and living on his own he is so tight spotless and he comes back he's doing what these kids do they know mommy will get to it you know are you bad are you joking me am i oh my god you're the messiest person ever it's amazing because you really don't see your mess it's so funny i'm not even gonna accept that because i'm not messy i have no mess there's nothing i put my things where they belong. Not even listen. This is it is a relative thing, though, isn't it?

Those kids don't really have a concept of it. Yeah. And that's what you're introducing by giving everything a home. And like this is my Montessori background in the Montessori classroom, the environment is super organized and everything is always in the same place. And that is a respect for the object and a respect for where it belongs. And in a work cycle in Montessori, you start, you do, you finish, you tidy up every single time.

You never, ever go to do something else without tidying. Without putting the other away. Yeah. It's a respect for you. It's a respect for the thing. And it's a respect for the next person who wants to use it it should be ready for them and we've adopted that within our home when raising our kid and i know i've helped a lot of other people adopt that in their homes too you're either really tired or looking at me like that's not true well well occasionally

a drawing gets left on the table with the pencils next to it. That's realistic, right? It's not going to be perfect. It can't be done every single time. But this lady's talking about clothes on the floor and, you know, puzzles being left open and books getting pushed. The mad thing is that I can see the kids quite enjoying this. They're like, that's the clothes box. That's the trousers box.

This is the thing. Children do actually like the order of it all and knowing that's where it goes. All she needs to do is the next time they take out a puzzle, you say, brilliant. That's great. But what are the rules? When you're finished, it gets tidied up. At the start, remind them that. Yeah, at the very start, you tidy it and you put it back where you found it.

Then when you see them going to tidy up, you say, remember what we said. You have to tidy it up and put it back where you found it then when you see them going to tidy up you say remember what we said you you have to tidy it up and put it back where you got it and where does it go where it always goes because that's where our puzzles always are where does the book go pick it up put it on the bookshelf you are gonna have to direct a good bit but then it will become habit maybe that's what i need i need a place for things. No, you're definitely just like these kids. You know I'll do it. Oh, that's not true. These kids completely know.

Listen to how much she loves them. She's doing it. She doesn't even realize that they are playing her. They're like, we don't need to do it. Mommy will do it. It's easy. Yeah, I'll get to it. Yeah, I'll get to it, Mom.

She'll get to it. Remember last time. Yeah, I'll get to it, Mom. She'll get to it. Remember last time. Yeah. Now, I want to throw in my suggestion here for this. Okay. That got laughed out of the room when I suggested it. But when I said it to my running buddies, they were like, that sounded like total sense. What did you say to your running buddies?

So I was out on a long run in the Phoenix Park on Sunday and I said that we had this question coming up. Yeah. And my suggestion was, take all the toys from the kids. Everything. Take it all. That's a punishment. Take it all.

Hear me out. Okay. Take all of the toys from these kids. Except for one. And then let them. That's just lazy parenting. Instead of organising the room and keeping everything in place, you're just like, take it all away.

Let them earn it back by how? They have nothing to tell you. Box it up, box everything up and go. If you can show me that you know how to treat this one toy and box it away. You can earn another. Now, yeah, there's going to be a lot of tears. Look, you have a point that there is a chance they have too many things.

And maybe they do need to go through the stuff. And, you know, maybe she does need to give away or pass on some of the stuff. Maybe there's just too much stuff but punishing them for something that you haven't actually modeled or helped them be able to do like if you want an orderly environment you have to prepare the environment that way yeah so i wonder is daddy messy too well if you read further on an email poor daddy isn't at all okay yeah this is this paragraph that I left out. I admit I'm not always great at picking up after myself.

Well, that's bigger for her to admit that. Like you say, modelling it. But I am so busy picking up after them on top of my own work and everything else I do that I sometimes don't have time to get to my own stuff. On the other hand, on the other end of the spectrum, is my husband, who is very present but suffers from OCD. Wow, I didn't see this. It's related to tidiness and cleanliness,

and I need not explain how the mess affects him and how sometimes he links the problem to me, meaning her well like the kids are seven and four so i really think that if it's if they're in a tricky situation where it's upsetting the husband like physically you know he's having a physical reaction to it and then she's feeling a bit lost you know i still think prepare the environment the way you want it to be give everything a place and just remind them that's where that goes that's where that always goes it actually helps children feel safe when they know that that's the bookshelf and all the books go to that place because that's

where they always go and suddenly their world their little house makes sense to them but also a family meeting might be nice here because you know have a nice family meeting about how are we as a family going to work together to organize and keep our house tidy will a seven and four year old attend a family meeting and listen why would they not i don't know four year olds they're not listening when they're being told to do this do you think that it's possible that they're getting a lot of attention for doing this no no i think they're not listening because they know poor mommy is run ragged and she will pick up the stuff for them. But like then in that meeting, they could explain to the kids, you know, we really need your help because, you know, daddy is struggling with the disorder and it actually upsets daddy.

Now, think of things that upset you. Would you like if we kept doing that? Like help them to empathize with how their mess and their lack of respect for their stuff is actually having an impact on other people in the house making them sad yeah also a four-year-old and a seven-year-old should have jobs they should be tidying their room they should be making their own beds they they're you know they should be putting the laundry in the laundry basket that's just that's just right and that mom does not need to feel bad about it it sounds like she's trying to give those kids an incredible childhood you don't need to feel bad about getting your kids

to do that stuff they will they need to do it it's good for them well if you want to hear how this answer worked out and how other strategies that tina has given parents actually pan out in the second and extended part of our episode over on patreon.com forward slash irishmanabroad you can hear some of the outcomes and how they've worked whether they've worked or what else tina's had to go back to these parents with tina has of course 20 years of experience in child behavior and working with children from all different backgrounds with all manner of different issues so she's seen it all there's literally nothing you can't send in here that she hasn't seen and this is definitely one that she's seen before but you can hear how it works out over on

patreon.com forward slash irishman bro before we leave this though what is the thing that i do that's so messy that drives you bananas? Like, what could I change there? Oh, your wash bag. The wash bag. It's disgusting. As in coming from the run? No, as in all your receipts.

Oh, that. When you have a bar of chocolate, you put the wrapper in your wash bag. And then we'll, you know. You never know if we might need that wrapper i'll open a drawer like when we were moving house yeah there was a whole drawer in our bedroom there was just wash bags full of like receipts and that's my tax system no no they were like opal fruit wrappers and tags from the laundry that we had and you were like what the fuck is he keeping all this shit for what the fuck and who tidied that up

me me I had to tidy it up like why what is that jar it's so weird why are you holding on to wrappers of chocolate bars it's because I listened to the serial podcast and Adman couldn't prove where he was

wrappers of chocolate bars jar I'll be able to piece together the serial podcast and Adman couldn't prove where he was. Rappers of Chocolate Bar's Jar. Yeah, I'll be able to piece together the footprints of my life. The fucking bags under the bed that had empty Coke cans in them. It's like, what the fuck do you have there? Today he was like

a really, I desperately, he said the words, I desperately need a pair of Stan Smiths. I do, yeah. You already have what, three pairs of them said the words, I desperately need a pair of Stan Smiths. I do, yeah. You already have, what, three pairs of them? Three pairs, but they need to go in the bin. Yeah. Have they gone in the bin, though, Jar?

They've not gone in the bin yet. No. Where are they, Jar? They're under the bed or something. Under the bed or something. Jar's me fucking bananas. Okay, right. Okay.

And what do I do that's messy because I'm not? Oh, no, no, Tina, Tina. I'm not messy. You're perfect. Hey, Tina and Jar. that's messy because i'm not oh no no tina tina i'm not messy you're perfect hey tina and jar i am a new listener in australia it's about time for jarleth to do an australian please don't do the accent they do it to us all the time when we go down there they're like oh potato and they can't do it and then then it's offensive. It's offensive. OK, right. I'll dial it back.

I'm really loving your podcast. I enjoy the banter, the bants. I need some advice from you with my three and a half year old daughter. OK, she had been complaining of tummy aches for months. And today, after listening to one of your earlier podcast episodes i realize that it most likely is anxiety related really common in this age group at the moment initially my partner and i ignored it and assumed it was something kids go through but after a while we felt that she should be checked out by her gp after seeing her in November and December to do a thorough blood test, lactose intolerance test,

we found out that there was absolutely nothing wrong with her medically. Okay. This next information may sound unrelated, but she is also a thumb sucker. We would have been okay with this habit, except that while she sucks one of her thumbs, she uses her other hand either to pick at her knuckles okay until they bleed or at a scab on a part of her body usually her knee or her foot

this is very worrying for us particularly with her knuckles as she's had a scab on it from may until november last year because of obviously the picking. Until we intervened to stop her thumb sucking. We did this using, the intervention was through using this biter nail polish stuff. That if people haven't heard of this stuff, it's really straight out of the 80s. It is disgusting. You like biting your nails, do you? Well, I paint them so that they taste like shite.

We've had to do it ourselves. Yeah. And it worked. It did. Even the threat of it was enough. So you paint the nails and then the kid doesn't like the taste of their nails. Yeah. Well, it's really gross.

Well, she says she managed to sleep without sucking her thumb from the end of November till two weeks ago. Two weeks ago, she started sucking the thumb and complaining that she was really hungry just before bedtime, even after a decent dinner. And this has continued frequently. She's now sucking her thumb in the daytime, which is a massive step backwards. Tonight, however, she woke up 40 minutes after she fell asleep with a massive tantrum for more food. Even after she ate two slices of bread, she was continually screaming that she was hungry. I managed to snap her out of it by firmly giving her positive affirmations. Very good. Something I've never done, she says. Like, you're strong, you're brave. I also told

her that I would come back to check on her in 10 minutes and would bring food. Then if she was still hungry, she fell asleep minutes after that. Right. What should I do to help her with her anxiety? I'm not even sure what she's anxious about. Yeah. Or just so often the case, like what could a three and a half year old be worrying about? Yeah.

She's a happy girl throughout the day and never complains about a tummy ache all i can guess is that she's afraid of sleep or maybe the process of going to sleep now that we're weaning off the thumb sucking i bought some thumb guards i feel as if this will only get worse should i let her continue to suck her thumb knowing that she would continue to pick her knuckles and knee or should we give her the option of sleeping on the floor in our bedroom if she needs it we've never done this unless we have visitors i also plan to have a conversation with her about her anxiety but i've done this before and all I get is this kind of confused and distracted reply about her being afraid of the dark, which she's never complained about before. Yeah, that's a really tricky one because I can really get the feeling from this mom that she suddenly realized, oh, my little girl's anxious.

And that's really tough. Yeah, well, I'm happy that our episode helped her get there. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, well, I'm happy that our episode helped her get there. Oh, absolutely. And really, it is something with young children that when they're complaining of their tummies, that is the number one alarming bell sound of, I have lots of feelings and they're manifesting in my tummy in a pain.

It's so funny, the stomach's weird like that. And I said to you before that even though there's nothing medically wrong, they're very good to get her checked out. To that child in those moments, they are really feeling a pain in their tummy. So believing them is really important. Saying to them, I'm sorry you have a pain in your tummy. Thank you for telling me about the pain in your tummy. Let's see if we can do something about the pain in your tummy.

It's so important. Yeah, rather than saying the doctor says you don't have a pain in your tummy. Let's see if we can do something about the pain in your tummy. It's so important. Yeah, rather than saying, the doctor says you don't have a pain in your tummy, so stop it. Yeah, and I doubt this mum is doing that, but it just really is important that if your child comes to you with a pain in the tummy, always believe them.

Right. Always, always. And empathise. Empathise, yeah. So I'm going to tell, first of all, it's okay. The little children don't really know what they're anxious about either, but they know they're having loads of feelings that they don't really understand.

So the first thing we all have to do that we sometimes forget to do, if you don't have training in early years, is let's talk about feelings. Let's open that dialogue. Let's buy some books about feelings. Let's name our feelings. Let's talk about how we feel a lot more. Let's talk about when we feel afraid, when we feel lonely, when we feel sad. Let's get a good open dialogue about feelings and how all feelings are OK.

Draw pictures about how you're feeling. Do like little activities like that. Just so she starts processing these feelings and that she knows it's actually OK to feel sad sometimes. Is that dialogue that all feelings are okay to feel sad sometimes that dialogue that all feelings are okay and is the dialogue that all feelings pass yeah that everybody has these feelings and these feelings are normal and when you share your feelings we can do something about it if you're feeling sad tell me what's making you feel sad and let's do something about that very good not to allow the feeling to become a pain

because the child's not processing their feeling. They don't know what to do and then it just clenches up inside their body and they're holding themselves tight because they don't know how to get rid of the feeling they're having. That's so tough. It's so tough. We all know a kid that's had this.

All the time. Yeah. All the time. And sometimes... I have a family member who's had this time yeah all the time and sometimes a family member who's had this sometimes when you're in the classroom and the little kid tells you this and just those moments of going oh i'm sorry you have a pain in your tummy thank you for telling me the relief can sometimes be enough for the pain to go away someone just believing them so what books are you recommending here i know a couple have come up before well the color monster is

always a brilliant one for this age. And what's the story with that book? Well, The Colour Monster is just, you know, it's a pop-up book that helps a child visualise and see and understand the different feelings and how it's affecting The Colour Monster. And The Colour Monster talks about feeling all mixed up and then talks about how to process and separate these feelings. It's a really great book for this age group. And with these books, with whatever book you find that works for you, the important thing is repetition.

You don't just read this book once. You read this book all the time. All the time with your kid. Yeah. Nearly every day. That's what they suggest. In early years, to develop language, just normal reading, not even about feelings,

they say to read the same book all the time that's a really good idea you know have your few books on rotation but the same books very tough for this mom though um because you want it to be fixed yeah well quickly it seems like well it is gonna take a bit of time it will take a bit of time but there are stuff you can do like it seems to be happening most at night time, right? Yeah. Let's switch up the night time routine completely. Let's, you know, maybe, you know, let's get a little night light in there.

What's the harm? You can get those gorgeous lights that don't really affect them. Yeah. And it will dim off eventually. After story time, let's start putting on a really short sleep meditation. You can find them on YouTube. off eventually after story time let's start putting on a really short sleep meditation you can find them on youtube ones that actually help the child fall asleep feeling more powerful and in charge of their emotions um when your child says she's hungry let's just believe her yeah

what's that about well that's the pain in your stomach isn't it she thinks the pain is i'm starving yeah yeah and also i'm a big pusher for suppers i don't think supper is done enough how did you know this like tina's always been like you got to get some food into that tummy before bed so that they sleep through the night yeah just well that was my mom who told who passed that bit of wisdom on to me but it's it's also quite cute doing the supper it's a real bedtime activity we gather around it only has to be a little glass of milk or water and you know like crackers or a bit of toast yeah but it's quite cute and lovely and it makes the child feel very safe and warm before going off

to bed you know it's like i will tell you guys this works yeah this works if your kid's not sleeping through the night give it a go tina's idea this supper is not your idea you didn't invent supper god no but it's it's worked for us and anyone i've told about it for us i mean especially anxiety aside especially if your child is waking up too early the supper can help them sleep that bit longer because they're not hungry um i feel like this little kid i love that the mom has tried to talk to her about what is making her feel anxious, but she's probably that bit too small

to understand her feelings. And that's why they're manifesting this way. Now look, this picking up the scabs, that's worrying. That's really scary. And sucking the tongue, I think that's obviously a comfort thing. So I wouldn't be for them taking that away from her.

But maybe if there was some way when they're, you know, putting this nightlight in and starting to do this meditation, if they just bought her a really cute teddy that her feels safe at nighttime teddy that she can cuddle into. And that would stop a kid sitting there at home. but kids something they're done well kids are so led by us that if mommy said to her this is a very special teddy that you have at night time and when you're feeling unsafe in your room you hug your teddy and it'll make you feel safe kids will just believe you are you okay jarrett's wrecked a late night last night a very late night i don't know if you guys picked up on that yawn on the mic it wasn't because of what uh tina was saying even though i think i make you yawn a lot more that's because your voice relaxes me way too much my voice but um

my own meditation tapes for kids that are anxious like you mentioned the meditation the talk down and i mean there are a couple of these the one that we used to play for mikey was about a tree house yeah and it's just a lovely way for them to go to sleep because they go to sleep feeling very safe and that's what you want now this mother as well as talking about feelings i do think she should start talking about how much she loves the bedroom how her bedroom is so safe how everything in here is just for her you know because it seems like this thing is happening most at night time they're actually picking at herself until she bleeds that's so worrying

and i feel like maybe she needs to wear um those grow suits you know those little not pajamas but she they need to restrict how much she's able to reach her feet get to them like these things need to be covered and not easily easily accessed i think because she's doing herself damage i'm not saying you need to restrain her but i mean what are they called like onesie a onesie yeah she needs something like that where she can't get to her toes she can't get to her knee and then you know having the teddy in there might be a distraction and the meditation will definitely be a distraction trying to bring in new patterns of behavior to her bedtime so that she's focused on something else and she does she's not focused on her tongue being in her mouth and picking like she normally is right now she's focused on the meditation and listening to what's happening

is there an argument for getting this that this kid's not tired enough that like if you were talking the other way the mommy said that when she said to her um you're brave mommy loves you i'll be back in 10 minutes she was asleep yeah now i love the positive affirmations that is amazing and that is so important you want your child to feel the way you need to tell them you need to point out things they do like it's not over praising them you're just reminding them no no you're strong yeah yeah you got this very brave yeah i'm so proud of you know what i love about you i love how brave you are i love that you're your own person and you believe like they need to say this yeah but they need to hear this stuff like what mikey what do we always say the wolf and the sheep are you a follower or you're your own man

you have to be brave enough to be like these they only learn from us so you model this stuff feed them this information use all these words i love that this mom got in touch i'm sorry that she must have got a fright when she was listening and realized oh god she's anxious because it's our worst nightmare as parents isn't it there is also help out there outside of this that like this is as you said the very start this is very common so common so what we've been recommending to people is jigsaw.ie online resource worldwide right yeah i mean they have so many amazing uh pieces of information and resources there that are free but then you can also dial them in and get involved

get somebody involved there and i'm sure there's one of these in australia it is a global movement towards understanding and appreciating that this is something that a lot of kids that age are going through also she mentioned having the discussion about the anxiety with her kid but actually at this age play is more powerful so she was to set up a play um where they're playing with dolls and they're putting them to bed and she's just playing alongside her child that is a really good time to see the honesty from your kid they will open up in a way you will never expect. And she will open up her anxiety through the dolls, through the play. So if she's trying to figure out, is it bedtime?

Is she afraid of the dark? There's a way to play with your child role play in those moments where you can get the honest answers out of your kid. I mean, play is so underrated. Like parents are always like, you can go on off and play there. But if you actually play with them, and I say this as someone who really doesn't like playing games. But if you're worried about your kid, that is the best way to find out. Sit down on the ground, play with them. They will open up.

That's why play therapy is bloody amazing. Well, Tina, thanks so much for this. If you have a question for Tinaina if you're going through something similar but a little bit different and there's a little bit of guidance needed or something tina can do just email honey you are ruining our kid at gmail.com i saw one of your videos on youtube i have a nine-year-old girl and i'm a single mom we moved back to the uk after a long time abroad i'm finding it hard to get my daughter to sleep in her own bed since we moved back it's been six months now and i really need my bed back i'm not sleeping properly please

please please advise kind regards anonymous yeah that's a hard one isn't it because she's nine nine years old but think about it she's been through a lot of change she's moved countries huge upheaval as we know as we know um well i always go back to first of all she needs to talk to her daughter about yeah all the stuff she's feeling as a result of this move because obviously there's feelings there and she's nine years old security she's looking to feel safe and the comfort is sleeping with her mom secondly try as best she can to make her room feel special somewhere she really wants to be that's her space she's nine year old girl she's she's a pre-teen she's gonna want her stuff in her place and a nice place that she can call her own and third of all the really hard thing every time she comes to your bed you say hello darling i love

you it's time to go back to your own bed and keep doing it until she's not going to cry like a baby so it's not going to be so emotionally or hearty and if she does if she does cry you just say i'm sorry you're sad mommy loves you this is your room this is where you just start into this do you just what do you mean do you give any warning that this is what we're doing or do you just go no this is it well what you do first is you do the bedroom with her and make sure her bedroom is happy nice space that she loves you do a lot of talking about this is your bed and this is where you should sleep. That's mommy's room.

Mommy sleeps there. Mommy needs her sleep. This is how it works. Now from now on, you really need to sleep in your own bed. Right. Then if she arrives into you, you go, I love you, but you need to go back to your own bed. You bring her in, pop her down. You say, sweetheart, you were safe.

You were loved. It's time to go sleep in your own bed. And you just have to keep doing that. Not getting angry. Staying calm. Because the calmness and the staying level will work eventually. And then you'll have your sleep back. Okay.

But you'll blow it if you get angry. So you've got to kind of settle into the idea that you're going to have one night at the very least where you don't sleep at all. Yeah. Hopefully not. that you're gonna have one night at the very least where you don't sleep at all yeah hopefully not hopefully she'll just know okay mom means business i have to sleep in but obviously this girl does need a lot of empathy because there's a reason she's needing the security from her mother so there's obviously a lot going on in her head so you just need to talk to her more about those feelings there's there's always a reason for every single behavior sure but i'm thinking about the practical side of the put back to the room which people find so hard um uh when she comes in and i was like i want to sleep

in your bed yeah do you remain silent like not not at the start you would say oh sweetheart i love you so much too and we can have lovely snuggles on the couch but mommy needs her sleep and you need your sleep you have your own bed let's go back to your own bed and then if it continues to go on that's when you take away more dialogue and you just go it's night time you need to sleep in your own bed and you just try and stay as calm as calm like this works like this is proven yeah it doesn't work to reject the child it doesn't work you need to be kind yeah because you're just gonna make it worse we now know how detrimental the cry to sleep thing is like that's actually scarring children and leaving them

anxious like this is proven now. Don't leave your child crying in their bed. Go in and check on them. Tell them they're loved. Tell them they're okay. You know, put them to sleep happy. Yeah. Yeah.

But I think this mom is probably, you know, has maybe enjoyed the snuggles too. Who doesn't? They've both been through change. Yeah. You know, and she can empathize that way. Go back and listen to our episode with kira taylor from taylor made babies yeah she's the bomb she is the boss of this now her business for this email or in anybody with a won't sleep in their own bed situation she talked to us all about what's involved here what she sees how common it is and the strategies that she employs it's pretty much exactly what's involved here what she sees how common it is and the strategies that

she employs it's pretty much exactly what you just said tina what she did for me though was she was like and the odd night is okay if you feel like your child really needs it why not what the hell and that was that has changed my mindset because i was pretty rigid on this stuff yeah good say no saying that we still never had to bring mikey into the bed but it did make me consider other feet it did make me consider others more yeah and i was like well maybe the kid just really needed it at night like here he says but this child is nine like she's expect a lot of us expected of her at school in the world she's able to sleep in her own bed okay well good luck with it that's the main thing whatever you are struggling with

out there this is honey you're ruining our kid the no judgment parenting podcast nobody's judging you on this show everyone's doing it their own way there's a hundred ways to skin this cat and you don't want to be that cat. Okay. So that's it for our episode for this week. Absolutely unbelievable the amount of emails that we're getting, but keep them coming to honey. Keep them coming and trust me, I'm going to get back to you. I know that some people,

there's a bit of a delay, but it's just because there's so many emails. But also I'm trying to come up with a good solution it's just because there's so many emails but also I'm trying to come up with a good solution not just a fast solution so Do you love this show? Do you really like it? Would you like it to continue?

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And this week, Tina revisits the kid that wouldn't wear shoes. Has she figured out? Has this worked out? you'll need to know the ending of what happens here and that's what we'll be doing for you each week is coming back with the strategies and maybe some extra juicy that's the nice thing about this show though jar i feel like we're really building relationships with these people who get in touch and i love that they're they feel like even though i've never met these kids i feel like i'm getting to know them because then the parents are updating me

and letting me know and we're able to tweak the plan and get it, you know, really across the line. Wow. Yeah, also the community is amazing because last week we re-shared. We asked people to get in touch for help

and they got back. And I was able to pass on their advice. Yes. So that was fabulous. Yes, so maybe you do hear a problem on the show and you think, I actually know somebody that can fix this or can help with this. Please do get in touch. Honey, you are ruining do hear a problem on the show and you think, I actually know somebody that can fix this or can help with this.

Please do get in touch. Honey, you are ruining our kid at gmail.com. If you're coming over to Patreon this week, thank you so much. We'll see you over there for the juicy good stuff. I'm about to ingest some salpidine to sort out this headache and hopefully I'll

wake up in time for picking up Mikey from school and the parents down there will go oh that's Jara's other dad. Tina seems to be married to two men one wears basketball clothes in the morning

and the other is super slick in the afternoon. Tina thanks so much. There is no podcast without you I really appreciate it. Thank you. I love is no podcast without you. I really appreciate it. Thank you. I love making this show with you. Thank you, Gerry.