Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Ep 26 How To Have Difficult Conversations With Your Kids.

Episode Date: March 27, 2023

Let’s talk about sex baby! Tina and Jarlath chat about the "We Consent" campaign that they helped to launch this week. They are both on a mission to help parents get conversations going that on the surface appear to be difficult. So rather than one big chat, they argue for a series of on-going small chats where nothing off limits. Is your teenager out of control? Do you feel like you don’t understand or recognise the person they are becoming? Is there a way to reach them. Are you afraid of your own child? Listen in and give them your thoughts as Tina and Jarlath give two very worn down parents a bit of a steer. Toilet training is exhausting, but to get through it and then see your child regress is heartbreaking to watch. What do you do when your child doesn’t care about pooping in their pants. Is there a way to get that poop to go back in the toilet? Tina and Jarlath try and help this mum get her child to start caring about using the toilet again. Biting is never good. If you have a biter you know the stress of never being fully able to relax when your little vampire is socialising. Tina arms the listeners with the tools and well researched methods to stop kids biting. And there's more for our members over on www.patreon.com/irishmanabroad you can hear what happened to last week's stage fright email and a deeper conversation on building toughness and confidence in your kids. Join the conversation. Submit your questions, stories, observations and ideas to the show directly: [e-mail]

it's honey you're ruining our kid the parenting podcast from the irishman abroad podcast network tina how are you doing i am so good and so tired we've had such a busy week already but it's been great it's been really good yeah i mean it's it's flat to the boards we've been banging out the episodes getting loads of emails from you guys and also taking part in stuff around difficult conversations. And if there is a theme for today's episode, it probably is how to have difficult conversations with your kids, whether it's around pooing in their pants on purpose, breaking your stuff on purpose. Or what's our other question today?

Biting. Biting. On purpose. Biting me. So how does all this come about? It's the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre's We Consent campaign. It's a whole grassroots campaign around talking about consent from the bottom up,

from everyone, from getting that conversation going with your kids around just getting on board with the idea that for everyone to have fun, we all need to be on board. Yeah, like essentially the campaign is for older people to realise that, you know, checking in the whole time and making sure sex is a fun thing and not. But for us, our role in this is to educate young children very early on about their private space, their private body, what is theirs and their right to feel safe all of the time. And what I was amazed by is that not everybody wants to have this conversation.

Yeah. I guess that's not amazing, but it is. It's startling because we just assume we're so comfortable talking about it. I've been rolling this out, teaching this to three and four year olds for the last 20 years. But especially so in the school we were in in England, they took it super seriously. And we saw the positive benefits of that straight away, even in terms of when you would try to talk to them and they'd be like, this is my space. But you have to respect their space. And it's important that they know that they have a voice and that they don't have to hook that uncle or, you know, hold that person's hand.

And I mean, there's times when for safety, those things have to fall into line. But I really think there's an importance here, I mean, of the holding hands. But there's importance here for parents to realize that when they see these ads on the telly, that actually there's so many different layers to this. your role as a parent if you want to keep your child safe and protect them arming with them with the knowledge of consent and the right to privacy to say no to say no and be convinced to say yes yeah if your child knows the name of their private parts and knows that no one is supposed to touch their vagina or their pizza pizza penis nobody Penis. Nobody touches my pizza or my penis. They will know in those moments say no I know you're not allowed to touch that and it's amazing it's really empowering for them. So we're going to talk all about these conversations today and all the

questions that we've had in around difficult conversations but definitely as I dug into this and prepared to sit on the panel i was delighted to be there for the launch day of it yeah very special day was how much people are afraid to have conversation around consent and sex with youngsters because you feel like i've got to give the talk it's got to be uh i have a dream speech that's etched into stone yeah that there's a lot of pressure with that if i mess this up i mess it up forever it's going to be so awkward when in reality when you burrow into it what you're actually trying to do is a series of little talks yeah all the time atmosphere of kind of

honesty where your child knows if they have a question, you will answer it as comfortably as you can. See, you're brilliant at that. But like, I will totally cards on the table. Sometimes Mikey asks me questions and you're just like, I freeze. Like I'm like a rabbit in that. Really? I would not have known that. Because I really pride that we are like so open about stuff because it's hard for me, too.

But I just don't want him to have any shame like I did or embarrassment about it when it's like this is facts. This is science. You know, I just want him to feel proud of himself. Also, like we get into the sexy side of this. The crack of sex is both of you being on board. Of course. Whereas I was probably

raised in a time where you were led to believe girls don't want to have sex with you. You have to convince them. Sure, I read all my Auntie Julie's Mills and Booms books. and those books it was basically

rapes all the time for men forcing themselves upon the woman and the woman then falling in love realizing I actually

enjoyed that bizarre stuff yeah so like it's all in our psyche but no I mean I heard you talking to Mikey about consent the other morning

I thought it was amazing but it's really important the checking in check in but I also said to him that consent isn't just about sex of course consent is also the other morning. I thought it was amazing. But it's really important to checking in. Check in. But I also said to him that consent isn't just about sex. Of course.

Consent is also, and Louise McSharry raised this as well, is listening to your brother when you're giving him that hug. Does he sound like he's enjoying it? Is he making the sounds of someone that wants this hug?

And I was saying to Mikey that consent is agreeing to things. Yes. That you feel comfortable with. But like outside of to Mikey that consent is agreeing to things. Yes. And that you feel comfortable with. But like outside of sex, that's really important. Like when you're out and about with your lad friends in the summer months, have you agreed to do these things or are you tacitly going along with it? I mean, so many of the games that you played as kids had victims. And ironing that out, early doors, I believe, with this We Consent campaign started by the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre, will lead to WhatsApp groups where people go, did you get permission for that? You know, that came up at the panel yesterday and I was dying for you to say that we saw that happen.

Our son's WhatsApp group, an image got shared by accident now, to be fair. But it was shut down so fast. First of all, the mom was incredible and she shut it down. But the other kids, in a really nice way, because they're really good kids, were like, we don't like that. That's not appropriate here. And I. Yeah, that's not alright. That's not appropriate here. And I was like, that's amazing. So it's possible.

And what was that woman's name? Nolene? Blackwell. Nolene Blackwell. She's so amazing. I just loved her so much. I got completely fed, fell head over heels in love with her.

Head over heels? Head over heels. Head over heels. Head over heels and head over heels. Because you know what I loved about her? There was a little bit of Maria Montessori about her and how much she believes in the child. And I felt like she really wanted people to understand

in the way we understand that if we can get here early, early intervention here, arm our children to know and understand consent. As the norm. So many of the problems we have right now won't exist. Will go away.

And Maria Montessori is the same. She's like, nurture the child, prepare the environment, give that child belief and opportunities and the world will change because of them, no matter who they are. So I loved her.

She's great. And the campaign is great. WeConsent.ie is the place to go. On a side note, the sharing of that explicit image in that WhatsApp group was truly fucking hilarious. Because he shared it, deleted it, shared it again, deleted it. He accidentally shared it. Maybe six times. And he's having a total panic.

Like his mother is trying to sort it out while he keeps it. But I'm so innocent that I didn't even notice how inappropriate it was when Mikey. Mikey came to me straight away. He was like, Mom, look at this. And I was like, oh, okay, fair enough. And then Charlotte was like, Tina, that is so bad. It was a cartoon.

It was a cartoon. So all I saw was a cartoon. I didn't see what was happening. So aside from teaching your kids about consent, you need to teach them how to use WhatsApp. Yeah. But also, isn't that brilliant about the idea that, you know, our kids, these kids are self-policing. Yeah, I love it. That's what you hope for. Let's get straight to question number one. hey tina and jar i've a 15 year old son and up until he began secondary school he was a very energetic chatty and great company lad lately i've started to notice kind of a nasty streak in him he can be very mean to us and his siblings. When he's annoyed, he'll actually break our precious things,

like intentionally, on purpose, smirking, obviously enjoying it. He does similar things to his siblings, and I just don't know why. My heart is broken. I can fully understand. My head is completely melted, and I'm lost. I'm afraid of what's coming next. Myself and my partner have tried being tough on him, grounding him, being kind with him, reasoning.

Nothing works. Do we just wait for this behavior to buzz off or will it change? Is this our boy now or can you help oh that's a hard one um it's a big one because it's at the center of honey you're ruining our kid yeah i think your kid's ruined yeah and you're like is this it and when i look at things that our kid does each and every time you get really stressed out as a parent it's where you're going oh my god yeah this is who i've raised this is the human he's gonna be yeah this sounds like a horrible phase that well it's your nightmare maybe we've all had at some point where you're not even really sure why you're angry i don't think i was ever brave enough to

break no absolutely not but sorry I mean the general I'm going out on a limb before I hear your answer but teen rage like this gets started at secondary school and suddenly this stuff

starts coming about teen rage and kinda it's why Rage Against the Machine and all of that that kind of music is so popular because

you're not even sure yeah what unfairness it is that you're sticking two fingers up there's so many feelings so many hormones absolutely

but this poor mum awful and like what a bad example yeah I'm terrified that's the thing I'm listening to the question going

oh this is my nightmare this is my nightmare this is my nightmare it just must be so hard when you've had this little chirpy boy and now that's just what to say when you're like you're mourning yeah you're mourning where's my baby i guess we were all ourselves when we were teenagers weren't we you particularly yeah i definitely wasn't i definitely had a temper i'm joking i would never have broken anything but i definitely stamped upstairs and called my mom maybe a bitch maybe not to her face probably to her face once i never called my mother a b but i will say that there is a problem in general, I think, in parents around embracing the teen. Yeah.

Well, yeah. Well, you know why? Because you miss the little cutie pie who wants to hold your hand. Who's like, can you do my knees for me? Yeah. And you're like, of course I will, buddy. Come on over here. Oh, mommy, can we have a big hug?

Yeah. Oh, my God. You're their saviour. You're the light of their life. have a big hook yeah you're this you're their savior you're the light of their life but how do you embrace it when they're headed down a path you don't like this is you talk about tough conversations this has to be the toughest yeah well see you've been very good at highlighting to me that you have to because i i make no bones about it i my area is younger kids and i just adore being around younger kids i'm at my happiest and i do

find it tough when they become independent pushy back children and jarlett's been really good at helping me enjoy this stage too because it's all very new for me i'm not used to being a mom to a preteen but like this is the worry in the back of my mind the whole time what if he turns into a nightmare what if we lose him yeah this is what this mom the back of my mind the whole time. What if he turns into a nightmare? What if we lose him? This is what this mom is thinking. She's thinking, have we lost our kid? Like, what happens next? Is he going to start drinking and doing drugs and not coming home?

Like, he's breaking stuff in the house. What's the next step? He's going to start. Yeah. Yeah. God. Well, what can they do? Let's think. First of all, you got to get the school involved because there's so many resources in these secondary schools now.

Most of them have teamed up with some kind of mental health, well-being organisation. The school we're about to go to is linked with Jigsaw. It's incredible. And I think it's I think it's really worth getting their expertise help. I think it's really worth getting their expertise help. Great. What do I say when I go in there without damaging the reputation of my child in the school? Well, I think we all care about that way too much. But at this point, you got to put that to the side.

You got to make your appointment with their yearhead, Jar. I'm serious. And you got to go in and you got to tell him exactly or her exactly what is happening at home ask are you seeing this at school you know maybe it's a massive problem in there although i'm sure they know about that already is there something else going on yeah is he being bullied is he unhappy yeah and um that's great but the number one thing is get the school involved because then first of all they can indirectly get around him indirectly help him by doing like different classes focused on respecting parents working with our parents stuff like this resolving resolving

your feelings resolving issues and then secondly they could bring in the whole family and have a meeting with him in the school like that is one way to do it but that is definitely how i would do it because he's a teenager who's not respecting his parents so find somebody he does respect and will listen to so that's the big picture answer which i think on the first level of this like you obviously tina gets in touch with everybody with the strategy reply to this person already and we'll stay with them that's what i love about your help yeah that's the big picture now i'm gonna ask you tina what's your advice to the parent who's struggling not to lose their shit. When their little bollocks of a teenager is gone.

I seem to have broken your laptop stand. You know, malicious shit. I doubt they're managing to keep it together. I wouldn't. It'd be so hard. Look, I had a moment myself this morning where I realized, hold on a second,

this bad behavior is my fault. I'm not saying this, Mom. Yeah. But what happened in that moment was that I remembered, I had a moment of going, oh my God, what if my listeners saw this?

What if the people I'm helping saw this? They saw this. And I just stopped and I went, no, this is not happening. And I left. And I left the room and I went off about my business and I just left it. And I went to quiet, which is always my advice. It's always don't react go to quiet don't react go to quiet in the classroom every single time and so in those moments where I'm doing my other

stuff and I'm in my quiet I'm thinking god I hope he has the sense to reflect on what just happened yeah and he did and I just it gave me such a spring in my step because I was like, okay, he actually learned something. It actually worked. And I didn't respond. I didn't blow. I didn't go, oh my God, you're taking me for granted. This is ridiculous. Yeah.

So it's really hard. Like here I am with all my training and I still find myself doing that. But I would say in these moments, I mean, that is the most attention-seeking behavior I have ever heard smirking do not give it give it nothing give it nothing don't go to his room break his and smirk at him at the door like how you like me now i mean you might do that once or twice just

because you're so crazy like i used to say that mikey would have I remember Willie White bought Mikey a laser gun that vibrated and shot lasers oh my god I'd forgotten about that gun it was the loudest toy and it's the only toy where I was like Tatina

it'd be terrible if that thing got missing it just got lost somehow wouldn't it and you're looking at me with your eyes wide going you wouldn't I was like

I fucking would that obviously happened to that toy because i forgot about that toy it's gone it's gone somewhere else um so this week you we did have difficult chats and it's also what's precipitated this episode yeah because and this would help this person right yes that if handled correctly the difficult chat when it comes from the right place yes when the it doesn't feel like you're just at me you're just on my case whether that's about how you set it up the the time and place you do it. Well, the most important thing and what we got back on track with, Charlotte, was she has to have a chat with her partner and they have to get very clear on how they agree to react to this behavior.

If they're going to react, they need to react the same way. And if they're going to try and do, I know it sounds bonkers to say, ignore that give it nothing it'll go away he is doing stuff to piss you off and of course it's going to escalate because he's in a habit of going to you know going to breaking your precious like that's awful right so we're gonna have to leave this answer here But I do think that as much as it seems like your child is gone, your teenager is here. I always remember your advice with the weenies, the teeny weenies. Ignore the bad stuff and come in hard with the praise on the good stuff.

Because what they've said here in this email is this is a streak. Yeah. This is happening once in a while. Yeah. what they've said here in this email is this is a streak yeah this is happening once in a while yeah so there's no doubt this kid is doing stuff that you can give attention to yes and that this awful stuff the malicious stuff yeah has to be blanked like you've never blanked anything i say it a lot to parents when they're small you give them loads of attention spontaneously and out of the blue but the older they get the less you tend to do it because you're just busy and you're doing your own thing yeah but they still want the same amount of attention and then they will seek it out in different ways now this is very attention seeking behavior and in those

moments for whatever reason when you're losing your shit that child doesn't care all he cares about is i have you right now i've got you you're actually noticing me they don't even consciously know that but they want it so try your best ignore it redirect it stay safe during it and meet it with silence don't react to that don't react and if he brings it up fair enough talk about it but just try and not react and like you say if you spot him doing something nice mention it in quick yeah right well uh after this little interval i'm gonna talk about the parenting hack that's probably the only one I have. I spoke about it in an article that's coming out in the Irish Examiner this week.

And it is about communication lines and making it so that difficult chats actually have a space in the week where they can occur. Here it is. This is what I got i got right if dina gives all the advice on the show this is all i got if you're worried about having difficult conversations with your kid whether it's about them being a little bollocks uh pooing in their pants intentionally which is their next question uh or biting i just think that there needs to be a space in the week where real talk occurs and chances are if your kid is acting like that they just want time with you yes yeah so i'm not saying that this time is so hard to give time is hard to give especially when you have more than And but by and large, even just a 15 minute walk, 30 minute walk together will give you that space. I have been doing what I call a coffee walk with our son once a week.

It is the highlight of both of our weeks. Oh, yeah. Like he lives for it. And God forbid I ever say I'm coming. Well, like this is the other thing is of our weeks oh yeah like he lives for it and god forbid i ever say i'm i'm coming well like this is the other things like i'm sure daughters will yeah with their moms like it doesn't necessarily like i've never monopolized this i've always said that you can oh yeah and it grew out of me having that space like on a saturday morning to lie in to actually lie in or wash my hair and dry it properly and uh so i was

delighted to see you gone off but it grew into something magical where something else mikey will just open up to you on another level on these walks and it's not like dad i really need to talk to you it's more quoting the simpsons well for him it's talking about what he's into yes so if you're like you know the way for loads of the week you're like i don't have time to look at what you've built on minecraft i have that half an hour 45 minutes where it's like you have my undivided attention tell me absolutely everything and all the mad ideas that you've come up with this week and then i yes and all of the ideas and within that when we go get the coffee, whether it's a breakfast burrito or whatever,

there is the time to go and real talk what's happening at school. Yeah. And I mean, he comes, I get a little bit jealous of the coffee walk because Mikey doesn't tell me much. But what I do see is when he comes home, he's bouncing. He's so happy and he's lighter and it's just magic. And I hope it's something that you always have together because it's just wonderful.

And I'm so grateful that it's something organically came to you was turned out to be this incredible tool to us. Yeah. In terms of the center of it is not that we have a heart to heart chat every single week. It's more that if some shit is going down there's a window of time in the week where you can bring it up and talk about it it's why play therapy works so much because when you get a child to relax they will comfortably share it's why they say sometimes

when you're driving the car it's a good time to talk to your kid because you're not looking at them and they're busy and it's really important but it's very hard for parents to find the time it's important but it's super hard especially if you've got more than one kid it's so hard and like i honestly tina said at the start of the show that we've been really tired and i know that all of you can relate to that but sometimes I find myself going well what have I carved out time for training for the London Marathon I run for an hour most days I scroll Instagram and TikTok for an hour most days I know that that might be regarded as leisure time, but we are wasting some time. Yeah, it is part of my work, too.

But you know what it is? It's like you don't feel like we're all none of us are saving time for ourselves. Yeah. And it's that tiny window. Well, here's the thing. It's also making it time to it's part of your habit. Well, is it a priority? Yeah, it's routine.

And someone said this to me that when you get up in the middle of the night and you check your phone and they said do you check on your kid and you're like you don't you know you don't i was like i didn't and i was like man i will check my phone but not my kid and it just sometimes you need to just go feck is this more important than that yeah but jared i think that's because mikey's 12 i mean you would have when he was tiny jared i always do if i wake up at all this is the neurosis that happens to me i wake up and i think i wonder is mikey okay yeah you see he's probably yeah I'll be like this I'll be like this he's probably fine oh no maybe he's not he's fine

I better go check him he's okay he's 12 okay I'll go check him in I go wake him up yeah yeah Tina shakes him away

every time are you alright go back to sleep Mikey it's fine I just want to check if he's still breathing this next difficult chat I mean

is this kid even old enough for a difficult chat we'll find out hey Tina and Jar next difficult chat i mean is this kid even old enough for a difficult chat we'll find out hey tina and jar my child won't stop pooing in his pants he is four years old he doesn't care he doesn't care about the smell he doesn't care about the feeling he doesn't care about anything he's the joker this kid is like he's a joke some people just want to watch the world burn he doesn't care i'm throwing the pants out all the time well how bloody decadent is this lady that's understandable now to be fair nothing gets poo out tell me about it

throwing out the pants all the time because it's all so disgusting i don't i didn't sign up for this i love that i didn't sign up for this i love that i didn't sign up for this none of us did how can i make him care enough to poop in the toilet please help i mean is that it tina like is it he just doesn't care like she seems adamant that that's what the issue is that this kid is like yeah put him in man so get rid of him i need new pants i'd imagine that is the frustration she's feeling but um there's a strange thing that can particularly happen in boys where they're not very good at letting go of their poo it happens a lot now episode one of our series yeah like at least he is pooing because even as bad as this is this is sorry some children

won't let it go into liver pain in their tummy yeah and it can get really bad terrible constipation and like they can end up having to go to hospital over this so i don't want to scare this mom and i don't want her to think ah come on tina you can't tell me that this is actually you know it's not good but it's a common thing so his issue is definitely with the toilet and um maybe he's a little bit afraid of the toilet like we do take for granted how much they slip into the toilet when they sit on that our friend the um the diet of worms were an amazing sketch group okay and they had a series in which a boyfriend and his girlfriend the girlfriend says um maybe just tell me one thing that i could change about me yeah and he said um maybe just uh you might be a teeny tiny sometimes a little bit lazy it's such a damning

thing but is that part of this tina that girls aren't as lazy as boys i'm not saying girls don't do this but uh yeah i hate generalizing but sometimes boys can care that tiny bit less. It is unusual that he doesn't mind the discomfort and, you know, it has to be causing irritation. But I'd imagine that a lot of children struggle with letting their poo go. It's a real thing. I'd imagine here his problem is the toilet letting it go into the toilet and how do we help that mum through it?

I think perhaps they need to look at the seat on the toilet is it too big? is he slipping in every time he sits on it? do you need to get one of those smaller seats to go inside it? does he need steps up to the toilet? is he worried about where his poop goes when he

flushes it that can be a thing they don't know where it goes they don't want it to go they feel it's part of them i mean kids are really strange probably a couple of youtube videos you don't even very there you're like yes yeah well i do think that kids that the pros if you can make the process fun that if it's more fun to do this than that and informed sometimes just teaching them about the digestive system is really helpful and how that's your garbage you know what's the word shoot and you know everything that comes in has to come out and teach them about the job the food does darl is like rubbing his head but i'm serious no i'm thinking about what you when you first told me about this email. Yeah.

My first response was, make him change his own pants. Well, that's not a bad idea. I mean, in our nursery and any school I've worked in, if a child poops themselves and they're four, you are sending them, like you're obviously observing and making sure they're not like making hames of it, but you are making them be independent about it. They are having to take off. I wasn't a million miles away.

No, but like you did and you did say shame them. Yeah, I rub his nose in it. Yeah. No, I don't want to shame them. Understand like so many times with boys, as I understand it and and men and grown men some of the some of the problems that you're having with your husband yeah are that he doesn't know what it's like to be you having to deal with him leaving his shit everywhere all the time and that's why women need to go or moms need to go

away to hotels to husbands have a tendency to turn up at those hotels but you know what i mean that like the absence of the person picking it up or making it clean i don't know maybe like i in my experience stuff just gets, the piles just get bigger. No, no, get back to the kid. Okay, sorry. In your experience, if the kid understands, oh, this is what happens when, if this is so annoying every time I do this,

he won't do it. You're talking about the inconvenience. Yes, and that works. If he's lazy and this is causing him more work. Yeah, no, no no the inconvenience of like dealing with it like okay that's unfortunate that you have pooped your pants but now you gotta throw that poo in the toilet and flush it away because poo goes in the toilet you gotta get it there those pants are disgusting now unless they are salgivable you leave it up to

the parent. They got to go in the bin. And now you got to go. We're running out of pants. You know, all these things are massive inconvenience. Go get them yourself. I'm busy doing this. You're old enough.

Yeah. Yeah. You're old enough to know we don't poop in our pants. I feel like I answered this question. I feel really sorry for this mumbo because you're thinking, the hell is wrong with my kid and what have I done wrong to arrive at a situation where this is my child and if he's going around

like is it happening at like play school at Montessori must be I mean his teachers wouldn't be very happy with that I wonder I would encourage her to ask

because if he's or is he just is it a case that he's just having trouble letting it go and because he holds it all day if he's or is he just is it a case that he's just having trouble letting it go and because he holds it all day if he's at Montessori or everything then it's in his pants and he's like well at least it's out because it is so uncomfortable for them so getting back to the theme of the day yeah being the difficult conversation how do you have that kind of a difficult conversation with them do you sit them down at the dinner table do you say we're having a family meeting about this what's the best way

to pitch this because four-year-olds are so with it they're so with it but also you know they're still small and i think the best approach with them is to go and get the body book and explain to them the how their intestines and their you know what system system works like their digestive system and explain to them the process and the toilets and how everybody this is everyone's situation and that you know you're four years they're being no you know but don't make it negative keep it positive and just you know we're all learning and this is something that i thought you understood but you know you keep pooping in your pants. So we need to be clear. I'm just scared of an older brother because when we told Mikey about this problem over dinner, he said, I'd tell him, let him know that he's going to be called Bobby Poopy Pants if he doesn't.

Like older brothers and siblings tend to actually have the impact. Like we're not going to try and shame the kid ourselves but like definitely there's this regulation between siblings of what are you doing that's why you're being a dope well that's why i'm wondering if it's happening at school because kids are not very kind to people who poop in their pants no they will say things like who where is the stink grown-ups are worse they will stink coming from? Grown-ups are worse. They will announce it in group time. Grown-ups are worse. Yeah, when you poop in your pants.

Like, grown-ups are really... I think it's quite taboo. We were not, by the way, laughing about this question to Mikey. We were interested to know what he... What he would do. What he would do, yeah. And he said he would publicly shame him. Yeah, which was a disappointing answer from him but at the same time it did make me think because

mikey obviously doesn't have any siblings yeah that what kind of an older brother would he be although he does love kids but he loves them in a kind of why are kids so ridiculous kind of way yeah he was with another little kid and you know he couldn't let her have a tiny thing because she would have swallowed it and he just kind of you know moved it away from her yeah he's quite sensible with little kids yeah and she would upset me and that's a tiny child this is what i thought the four-year-old will be able to get what you're saying but this is your system this is how it works show them a video on youtube about how the poo goes through the s-band in oh a youtube video is actually a brilliant idea oh thank you thank you what a role today yeah

sometimes they're just worried about where their poo goes i mean it is part of them they're letting it go they want to know what happens to their birth to it yeah don't confuse them with that language i can't wait to hear back from this mom when yeah i hope that's helpful but um like i say it could be worse because this is a huge problem for boys a huge problem my daughter has started biting if she gets in trouble or does something wrong, she will say, I'm going to bite you so hard. I mean, it's cute because it's not our kid. Yeah. But it's terrifying

because it's a tiny, tiny child. She's two and a half. Two and a half. I'm going to bite you. I'm going to bite you. But still, I can't believe she is weaponizing

the biting behavior. Her nursery teacher said the other children are afraid of her. Oh, no. Oh, she's biting. She's biting all round her. Others, yeah. I'm worried that not only will she have no friends, but that we might lose our nursery place. I mean, that would be crazy if they kicked her out for biting.

Do they do that? Of course, yeah. If she keeps biting, she's not safe how can I stop her from being a little vampire well at least there's mama's a sense of humor but still these bites are a lot of times they're very sore oh they're extremely sore she's biting at school too that's really bad because that means she's like, she gives zero shits about who she bites. Well, let's think about this. It's dangerous, not just for the children or the parents she's biting. It's dangerous for her. And common?

Yeah, yeah. Well, two and a half, it's very common because they're finishing off their teething and there's all this sensory stuff in their mouth. She says, I'm going to bite you gonna bite you yeah well that's the thing she's gotten a big massive reaction for the biting okay understandably it's a horrible thing to do to someone and it hurts so you're gonna let out a yelp or something when it happens i do feel sorry for this mom because i remembered a long long time ago when i first started working to be in a behavioral language unit uh really extreme behaviors in kids and working with kids who were only two and three years old and one of them was a biter like this and would be like i'm gonna bite you and it's the

idea that you can never fully relax you know you always have to be ready to be able to guard off or get out of the bite that's not a nice feeling sleeves and stuff well that won't save you from a bite at all but what does save you is you like you know it sounds really silly but you know if you've ever done karate being able to just wipe down their arm wax on wax off yeah wax on wax off their arm they're they're gently you know out of that space but look there's an issue here there's definitely a biting issue it's a behavioral thing but at the end of the day it always comes down to what's going on in her mouth that she needs to bite yeah so this mom's gonna need to do some oral exercises in there i've talked about this a few

times she needs to get those sensory toothbrushes you can use. And in the morning before this girl goes off to nursery, do some work on her gums with the sensory toothbrushes. Get her to bite down on them. You can get a sensory necklace that she can wear

and she can bite that when she feels like she needs to bite because she probably, it might just be her temper, but I would say it's more likely to be a sensory thing. This is really shocking to me because I would have thought the issue is anger. Yeah, but I mean, she is feeling like she needs to bite

because whatever is happening inside her, she gets a release from the bite. So we have to redirect that and deal with that need in her mouth but um what about the anger well because obviously when she gets frustrated this is what she does i know well threatening to bite them i mean it's so bold i never use the word bold i know you find it i never use the word bold but like it is frightening and i mean how out of control must this mom feel her daughter's threatening to bite her if she does anything and the kids at school it's just not good she needs to come together with the nursery

and figure out with them how are they managing it when what's their reaction to it if she gets the necklace talk to the nursery about the sensory exercises as well because that'll be really helpful for them you see loads of kids in nurseries and younger classrooms wearing those necklaces now they're very common and the kid will bite on them when they're feeling like you know this over sensitized feeling in their mouth how do you know about this like what like this is obviously there's a lot of research around this that like these kids that bite because most parents would be listening to this going no no he's just being a little bollocks he just bites into things of course there's an element of being a little bollocks but they've they've had their tea come true it's all very

new for them and like we are gradually understanding understanding sorry i can't get my words out this morning we're gradually understanding that there is sensory we all have sensory needs all of us some more than others some get overloaded sexy face at me sexy eyebrows but we all like we all deal with it in different ways and we're trying our best to understand that other people different things affect them different ways and you have a thing i have a i think a hearing a hearing sensory hearing issue i can't deal with somebody's doing an accent so you know majorly he's like can you stop she doesn't do the accent back but i think that's one of the reasons you don't like my accents yeah no that's

it that's all that's they're brilliant no um getting back to this though to help this this mom and to help these poor kids that this child's going to school with um i would say putting in a sensory diet for this child's is going to change something anyway um getting up in the morning and after they brushed her teeth doing the gum exercises getting her the little necklace and telling her she can bite into it if she feels like she needs to bite. But also get her eating crunchy foods, bread rolls, apples, carrot sticks, all these things. She needs to feel, if she has a sensation to bite,

and if that is where her anger is leading her, deal with that feeling, get that feeling out of her. Can you imagine how out of control she feels in her body when to feel better she needs to bite down on something and like i always say if you have a biter you need to arm the children the teachers the parents around you with the knowledge of how to get out of a bite you never pull away you always push gently into the mouth their mouth will open they will release if you pull, their mouth will go down tighter. Easier said than done. It's so easy.

The child isn't expecting it either. The kid is biting my arm. Yeah. The tendency to just... Yeah, but think about it. It makes so much sense. You pretend to bite me there. No.

No one can say, okay. Tina Hensley with her arm. Bite me. No. Okay. If someone bites you and you push into the bite they have to they have to open they have to but they can't breathe if you pull away that they're just gonna bite is there a limit to how hard you can push into them oh well they're only little if they bite you you drop the elbow in no their head goes back but like i'm, stop. But like, I'm just saying, I heart goes out to this parent and anyone who is listening to this going, I have a bite her as well.

Well, she can't relax, Charlotte, because there's every chance she picks her child up, her child just bites her. Sorry, I cut you off, Charlotte. Hey, it's when people cut them off. It's just like, you didn't sign up for this. You want to have a baby?

You want to have a kid? The child's not happy either. The kids are, like, biting me. All I'm doing is feeding you. Do you have any idea how many nights out I've missed because of you? Well, it's the weaponizing of the biting that's horrible. I'm going to bite you. Like, that's not nice.

She knows well. But also that, like, I've basically given up my life to bring you into the world and now you're repaying me by digging your teeth into my arm like when you're when you are putting band-aids on the bite marks on your arm in the evening you're going yeah it's great to be a parent oh the joy yeah well that's why we're here to crack of it because i'm just saying my part in this answer today is my heart goes out to these folks i'm sure they go to bed crying i would if my child was biting me like that or if a teacher had to come to me and say look he she or he is biting their friends i mean biting the other children in the class that's terrible

well that's the worry about having no friends part in this email that like what do you say there because the rep goes around yeah that's johnny he bit me yeah and it's terrifying like well he's not going to play that it's like so that's that simple you're not going yeah get johnny the biter over well biting is a dangerous habit because it's really dangerous for the person who's biting and the person who's receiving it. I mean, it's really germ. It's not a good germ thing. You know, it's not a good germ thing. It's not a good germ thing.

There's Doc McStuffins for you. So, right. There's a lot of suggestions in there. And obviously, you'll email this person back with the strategies and where to find these things. Yeah, well, reacting to the bite with a loud shriek or overreaction is not good. They're going to want that again. You have to try and stay calm, release yourself from the bite, distract them, and later talk about how we don't bite. Tell them the things we do bite.

We bite apples. We bite breadsticks. We bite hot dogs hot dogs we use our teeth to eat we don't use our teeth to hurt people these discussions need to be had bring the nursery on board get them to do groups about teeth taking care of teeth teeth hygiene how we don't bite other people with our teeth you know to finish this on a lighter note like that's great a great answer as always put tina once did a circle with a group of kids about teeth the importance of brushing your teeth full disclosure tell them how this backfired

so well i actually have developed quite a fear of teeth it's a weird thing. A few years ago, unfortunately, I did have a cancerous tumour in my face and because I'd gone to so many dentists to say there's something wrong, there's something wrong with my teeth and they kept saying there wasn't. I developed a mistrust

of dentists and a fear of teeth because the pain in my teeth was just so bad. And you also believed in vampires as a job. I did. I am afraid of vampires.

All the cards are on the table now. And I also thought vampires were real and now i i'm thinking that again her shoulders up around her ears right now i'm terrified of vampires this is where i reveal to you that i'm actually you know i can't take that carry on okay so i was trying to be brave myself i had the big massive set of teeth i had all the toothbrushes i had all the information and i was trying to be brave myself I had the big massive set of teeth I had all the toothbrushes I had all the information and I was trying to be brave myself because to be honest working with the big teeth was making me want to hurl I was feeling lots of feelings about them I was like oh god teeth are so scary and so I took it really seriously and I drove home how much you should brush them anyway a few days later one of the

moms had to come in her son wouldn't stop brushing his teeth like he was making his it was very bad like his gums were bleeding oh no he was like miss he said he was like mrs reagan says you have to brush your teeth all the time every time you eat it went way too far and then i had to scrubbing them like basically afraid to afraid to sleep in case he didn't get the toothbrush in there i was like oh my god i'm so sorry i had to then have a circle about how you know really clearly sometimes your teachers don't how i may have gone too far and that it's just after meal times you know and the morning and night time is probably did it help?

yeah no it did help it did help because that's the thing if you tell children what to do they'll do it they will like they really take it in

that's why using your nursery teacher is important or your play school teacher or your Montessori teacher because they will listen to that

like he listens so well you can't fill them with shit like you can't tell them anything I mean I once mixed up the continents, Asia and Russia, and, like, there was no going back. I confused the hell out of those kids. Yeah. Every time they passed a map.

And are you still clear on Asia? No, I'm not. So that's our episode for this week. Tina, thank you so much. We have more, though though there is more to this episode if you want to come over to patreon.com forward slash irish man abroad you can hear what happened to the kid with the stage fright remember this email parent got a touch kid didn't want to have any part to do with drama class after one screw up where he forgot a line if you were having

a similar situation where your child is just balking at the idea of putting themselves out there you'll definitely want to hear the outcome of this and what happened when they applied tina's strategy we're also going to get into if we're talking about uncomfortable conversations what is the conversation that tina is least comfortable having with me that That's over on patreon.com forward slash Irishmanabroad. Tina, thank you so much

as always. Is there anything you want to say to people about it? No, I'm just, thank you, Jarlett. I'm just so excited that today is, this is our 26th episode.

Yeah, flying it. It's incredible and I've loved it and I've just loved the community we're building. And all because of you guys. So, keep the emails coming in.

You can email in again if you have more problems. Yeah, well, we've had loads of people email in two or three times. Honey, you are ruining our kid at gmail.com. Shout out to all of you for tuning in and listening. And why not treat yourself to membership? Get all the premium benefits over at patreon.com forward slash Irishman.