Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Ep 28 The Problem Child, Night Wets & The Period Inquisition

Episode Date: April 24, 2023

Night time toilet training is hard, throw in twin boys and suddenly it becomes a million times harder. This week Tina & Jarlath try to help a mom who has already tried everything and nothing has worked. Is there another eternal factor causing this little dude to wet the bed? Is there an anxiety issue? Or something else that lies beneath. Tina thinks everyone should be comfortable talking about periods. Why should we be shy? Shouldn't all women be so proud of how much they are able to cope with? This week a mom gets in touch to ask advice on how to cope with the never ending questions her son has about her daughter's menstrual cycle. Mostly she wants the questions to stop. As always Tina says, give the kids truth and facts and their inquisitive appetite will be satisfied. Birthday party’s are always a stress. But what do you do if you know one particular child is going to ruin your kid's day. It’s the invite or not to invite question?? What would you do? Listen in and see if you agree with what Tina suggests this mom does on this week's episode of Honey You’re Ruining Our Kid. There's an ad free XL version of the podcast over on www.patreon.com/irishmanabroad. This week Jar and Tina get into "parenting styles", follow up on an email from last week, laugh about their bananas weekend at the London city marathon and much much more. Head over and become a member to start enjoying heaps of Irishman Abroad content.

oh tina how are you how are you doing i'm good this is a new way of starting the episodes that's where my head's at i'm like oh i think when people come to honey you're ruining our kid there may be a bit like that too i went i went out and had a heineken zero last night yeah and i'm hung over today what where am i at in my life but that's what i'm always saying it's not actually the alcohol it's a lack of sleep yeah so i have this theory that uh there's a bunch of different types of people who are hung over there's a person who denies it who's like i'm not actually i'm not actually hung over i'm just really tired and you have been that person i'm always that person there's the person who and

you've been this person too the blamer where you're like jarred this is your fault i told you i didn't want to drink yeah you kept buying me buying me drinks so this has nothing to do with you shoveling the drink down your throat this is all on me it's hot in the place you're very thirsty i'll blame the heat uh i have no excuse now i'm literally drinking alcohol-free beer yeah i have that's unfair hangover today so apologies right away to everybody this is honey you're ruining our kid the parenting podcast from the irishman abroad podcast network so many emails this week yeah so many emails i have so many emails to get back to it's insane and uh i've been just trying to come up

with the right strategies for each one because I never like getting in touch if I don't feel like it'll work. And there's been a few times with the toileting things. They're so individual that they haven't worked straight away. So it's a lot of pressure.

My part of this podcast is to rock up here and go, so Tina, what emails have you been getting well i don't mind because when you finally get the breakthrough it's worded but it's just getting the breakthrough can be tougher sometimes we're off to london this is being recorded early we're off to london on friday yeah for the london city marathon now any parent that's listening to this now who has a partner who's training for one of these things will know exactly how much time this person has gotten away and to themselves. Yeah, but I actually, you know, that is one thing.

Like, we did go out last night to meet up with a man who had Jarlett's Running Community, this amazing Irishman abroad podcast he does. They all sent him video messages and one of them made this incredible video for him it was unbelievable really you guys were speaking I haven't been around you speaking to another runner before and I was like actually it didn't impact on us that much like it sounds like other people are way

more absent than you were but maybe that's because of your job maybe that's because of your job maybe that's because of your job they're going nine to five job and then leaving in the evening or maybe i'm i'm just a bit more considerate could that ever cross but also you didn't put us through the eating thing because you haven't changed your diet at all i can confide in you guys that i have literally at everything i have been eating like

I've been a savage for the last six months like since Christmas your man that we saw last night was like I can't wait to get some food and I was like Gerda hasn't stopped, are you supposed to be not eating I'm literally browsing the cake aisle

and people are like you can have a cake after the marathon and I was like this marathon marathon is being fueled by cake. You can't tell anyone you're pre-marathon breakfast. Yeah, yeah. True. But I want to say a massive thanks to everybody who's donated. My charity is Menphys, which is a kids charity in Leicestershire, which do amazing work for yeah uh disadvantaged and uh kids with special needs

and special requirements yeah helps them get into sport and discover you know abilities they never thought they'd had and of course that then ends up being a feeder to the uh special olympics and everything else these kind of small small charities yeah make a difference they make a difference and also if you donate something to them it doesn't get just lost in the system every single pound yeah is going to make a difference so thank you everybody you can of course still donate after i run the thing and by the time you listen to this it will be done oh that actually makes my heart tight yeah i know you're gonna be fine it's just see the

problem is i made the mistake now of being at the finish line for a few half maritons and some people fall across that line and need a medical help i just don't like don't do that we won't make this a running podcast but we have a podcast on the irishman abroad podcast network if you don't already know with sonia sull'Sullivan and Vinnie Mulvey, who've been coaching me. And like they are my parents in this. They are the ones who have been drilling into me. Be sensible. I hope so.

They're trying to raise a kid, me, the runner, not to be a gobshite on the day. And I think they've got that into me. OK. So let's get down to our questions. Yeah. And Tina, you've got a few doozies for us this week. Love the podcast. I was in touch with Tina before Christmas about nighttime training.

One of my five-year-old twin boys. Oh my God. Every time somebody says that, my heart just goes out to them. I know. Five-year-old twin boys. Oh, my God. Every time somebody says that, my heart just goes out to them. I know. Five-year-old twin boys. Imagine. I mean, it must be fun, too, but there must be so many times where you just have your brains melted.

One's asleep and wakes up the other one. I know. I mean. I guess it's all easy once you get them past three. You know the way when whatever situation you're in as a parent, you're like, nobody really understands what I'm going through. Nobody understands what the five-year-old twin boy's parents are going through. Yeah, because I say it's probably easier once they're past three, as in like managing them. But then when they're five, they've worked out that they can buy tricks.

They can team up on you. Oh my God, sweet valley high. Yeah, I mean, sweet valley high, Charlie. We saw how it panned out. We tried and unfortunately it didn't work out for us he was still wet every morning we tried again over st patrick's weekend again no looks still soaked every morning and we tried again this midterm by trying i mean no more pull-ups at night telling him he's five he can do this he's big lad made him do two separate toilet breaks before bed all the right stuff right Tina. I got up every two hours during the night to bring him to the toilet in the hope I could figure out what time he wheeze at but still no joy. Yeah did unfortunately have to stop after a week as he got strep throat

and scarlet fever. Jeepers. As if things couldn't get worse. Where do I go from here? I'm planning on trying again during the summer holidays but at what point do I need to bring him to the GP? Is five and a half years old too young yet for a medical intervention tough question to start off the show tina sorry about that sorry that was my arm there and i uh i my heart goes out to this mom because this is one of the ones i thought we've cracked this because initially i think it was going well and i think she was trying to use the twin as you know motivation for him to you know keep up with his brother and stuff but um it is really tough I think like there has to be more going on here now yeah maybe there's a worry at night time maybe he might need a little nightlight

you know the weeing in the bed at this age could be linked to anxiety yes you think he might be waking up scared or yeah waking up scared maybe or not waking up but that's how it's come that's how his fear might be manifesting in the wets you know that's his kind of release that's an even harder one to figure out than anything else because he mightn't even be aware. Oh yeah, no, no. Well, from the sounds of it, he's not aware because he's sleeping through the weeds. I mean, he might not be aware of... Oh, the feelings he's having. Yeah, yeah. At that age, I don't think they really are. And that's why we see it manifesting in different ways. I think a trip to the GP would be no harm. Bringing him, definitely not just a chat between

mom and GP. I think bring the child and maybe have a pre-phone call with the doctor to get him or her to be ready to tell the child that, you know, you should be getting up if you need to leave. Yeah, that it's not good for you. Yeah, that this is, you know, we need to stop wetting the bed. Is there anything else going on? I mean, there could be. Like, it's a really tricky one. My heart is like, it troubles me because I really just want to help this mom.

But I feel like there is more going on here than just a kid who can't hold his wee at nighttime. And maybe, you know, there's a worry in him or something. But if we widen the lens out a bit from this story and, you know there's a worry in him or something um but if we widen the lens out a bit from this story and you know this is why it's so amazing that people do email in and we get to answer these because this is not you're not the only one going through this oh absolutely not no people listening to this now going that's our situation and this week alone since being on angela's show we were on angela scannon sorry not we jarlett was on angela scannon felt like we were both on ask me anything on saturday and then they gave a massive shout out to the podcast which was amazing because so

many people have gotten in touch since and that's why i'm so late what's the word bogged down with emails but a lot of them are toileting a lot of them are very similar to this question like we've tried we tried we tried nothing is working with this one though because i've been back and forth with this mom a bit i feel like there's a worry in this kid there's something else and maybe if we can address that first the weed thing will follow right so that leads then i'll put the second question to you, which is, if you're trying to puzzle out what the worry is in your kid, you're the king

of getting them to reveal it. Tina's taught me all these ways to get your kid to open up, including kind of parallel play. Well, play at this age is the way to go. Get some Lego out, get something that they're into and build and have fun

and then pop those questions in and little inquiries and they will be so much more open that's that's gold so you build a little lego bedroom yeah and then you say what what do we put in here to keep them safe yes yeah that's brilliant what do you think about when you're going to sleep yeah all these any questions you have you can pepper them through the play yeah like you're right set up the role play if you want to be quite you know linked to what you want to talk about but it doesn't have to be you can be playing anything and just once you notice they're relaxed that's when you ask the questions but you're right you can link it up to the actual situation without them knowing and then start asking questions.

Kids are so... Oh, Charlotte. Let's just remember that. They won't know. She mentions the GP here, but I also think she might need to set up a meeting with the school because I feel like the teacher should be aware that this kid is not getting proper sleep

and is, you know, having these issues at night time because it's on his mind yeah there's every chance this kid is not you know performing as well as he could at school because of this it is such a knock-on knock-on effect unlike all these things so i would i would definitely go to up but i would also encourage a meeting with the teacher i think if we could get if we could maybe just this time think well is, is there something else going on here? Is it a bladder thing or is there actually, is he worrying about something? Is there something on his mind the whole time? And if we can figure that out, a little nightlight, maybe, I know I'm all for the diaries, but the power of the diary is amazing. We've had an issue with our own child recently

and we reintroduced the diary. It was something that fell out of the habit is amazing we've had an issue with our own child recently and we reintroduced the diary it was something that fell out of the habit when we moved everything got boxed up and in the space of a week it has helped yeah it has helped and i've been really really really good and so has darla he's older so we have not read that and when it comes to it he can just set it on fire throw it in a bin. He's too old for us to be poking in. But a five-year-old, it's different. You're going to mostly be pictures

and words that you're going to have to decipher. Yeah. I was just thinking that. He's not going to write any great work here. But a picture of the day at the end of the day is the same event. Pictures are so revealing. Yeah, even drawing pictures with your kid is a great thing to do.

Like we talked about playing, but draw pictures about nighttime with them. Not to get frustrated. Like your heart has to go out to this parent. I find oftentimes in these chats, I'm like, yeah, but your head must be melted. It's like the amount of efforts they've made. The weeing the bed is the one, that's the one I always think, that's exhausting. Because you've got to change the bed.

You've got to change the kid. You've got to wash the kid. You know, you're like, come on, we talked about this. The toilet's just there. Most of these kids, like some of these kids are very privileged. They have toilets in their bedrooms.

You know, it's really frustrating and I would get frustrated. So if you have, don't feel bad about it. But I feel like all that effort, there might be something else causing the wheeze and it might...

It's also tougher, even more so, is the twin brother is Grant. Yeah, the twin brother is Grant, but thank God for that. Imagine to do them. Do you know it's possible? Do you know she should read

Sarah Silverman's Bedwetter? Oh, man. Because just as a mom, it might make her feel better about stuff because sarah silverman the incredible comedian talks about her childhood and this she couldn't read that i read it a long time ago i'm not saying she like she continued to wet the bed right up through her life because no one was aware of it though didn't she keep it so secret no she had like she actually

had a medical problem okay so like in that way we'll probably make her go fuck we better get this guy to a gp oh shit but like that's what that is what you've said yeah like there's no harm she asked and i think there's no harm in that yeah but sarah's book if you want a break from everything is unbelievably funny book but she like it would actually set off a lot of alarm bells for any parent in this situation because she was finding herself

at sleepovers there's the famous story she told on Graham Norton that Mark Wahlberg did everything to interrupt my heart went out to her I hope you've said that

like 10 times so far but she she describes exactly what her memories of this. And her shame around it. We forget sometimes they're feeling the shame too. They're mortified. But I feel like this mom is very understanding.

She gets that. But yeah, okay. Well, maybe don't read that book. No, it's very funny. But doesn't Sarah talk about how she knew she was anxious? Like she had unresolved anxiety and she... This is what this parent's on it. And I think that you're right, that there's something underneath

and you've got to try and figure out a way of getting to it. As we say, as always, this is not the end of Tim's connection with this person. No, and I haven't even got back to this mum properly yet. I'm still trying to figure it. I want to go back to her with a plan that I feel will work. You know, I really do. Yeah. And I'm trying to figure that out still.

You know, Tina, your algorithm has messed up my life. You know that. Why? I don't know how, but my phone thinks I want to see the things you want to see. So that's just like baby videos. Yeah. So literally just before we hit record, Tina stopped me

from hitting record to show me a child singing with her dog. The dog is howling while she's singing into a microphone. It's adorable. They literally stopped my work. They both have microphones, Charlotte. The dog thinks he's in a band with a two-year-old girl.

I fully believe that on the honey ruining our kid instagram this stuff needs to be shared for you guys to understand that it is very time-consuming cuteness this question is like the opposite of that i guess it's the really tough side of having kids it's my seven-year-old son is obsessed with periods with periods yes oh wow his older sister recently got hers and now he is completely fascinated with the menstrual cycle how do i handle his questions what should i not tell him and how do i get him most importantly to stop can you stop asking? Well, we know. How do you get a child to stop? Make them feel like you've answered their questions.

If they feel like they're being brushed off, they will keep going. Yeah. I think this is kind of amazing. How cool is this little boy? He's, you know, obviously he's noticed that his sister is changing from a little girl into a werewolf. I want to know what the questions are. Yeah. Into a werewolf sorry i only just picked up um i think you just completely i always go honesty facts just tell them exactly what's happening we're the ones with the hang-ups yeah and also um arm him with um you know the fact that you going to need to be gentle with your sister.

It's a massive change for her. You're never going to have to go through this. She is getting used to her body evacuating this thing every month for up to seven or eight days. You see, I don't agree. I don't think you do need to go

easy on her. You're so funny, darling. Tina's face. Tina's very strong feelings on this. Well, I have my period right now. So this is a great time to ask this question, actually, because when I... Your face when I said that. You guys can pick up on that beat of silence where she looked at me.

When I get my period, I have a rage inside me that is not equal to anyone I spend the whole time thinking looking at every man thinking fuck you you don't have to go through this especially when I can't have kids like you know Mikey's our little miracle man and I'm like I have to go through this shit every month for nothing like I think if you can have kids at least you're like oh well you know my body is preparing it didn't happen this month but it's like and when people tell you oh but it keeps you healthy I would fucking prefer it didn't and I'm dying for the menopause I'm like come on menopause come on in because I just hate it so much and uh yeah I get really angry and what pisses me off the most and what I really think it'd be great when we're raising our sons to understand is I hate that we're always embarrassed as women.

When you've had those maybe two days of being a little bit irrational, a little bit overthinking, a little bit flighty, a little bit quick to enrage. Oh, shit. And then you get your period and you're like oh i was getting my period i hate that and i want to hate that the men in the house no no no i hate yeah and i hate that in myself that i go oh i was acting crazy because i was getting my period i really want to reframe that where if you notice that happening to your sister this little guy maybe be like you okay it's all okay you know and arm him with the sentences not to say not to say don't say are you getting your period look this is what daddy talked about it's a way to end your life there's in that amazing video where the little boy says to the mom chop that in oh that

is so funny you don't have your period you don't know if i got my period or not oh wow you definitely have it that's the attitude that dad talks about oh i'm shit so yeah basically this question for me is easy just tell him everything tell him everything you know let him watch a video yeah there's loads he will regret video he's gonna regret asking is there a kerskis that video of course there is kerskis that's the best kerskis that is german for in a nutshell and if you haven't discovered these videos i fully believe that this is one of the reasons mikey developed our son developed this absolute passion for science and learning they're beautifully illustrated videos they're actually for this age they're for children

young teens and young children and they're brilliant and this age they're for children young teens and young children and they're brilliant and i love them too they i feel like i learn when i watch them at my age it's terrible when your kid starts saying stuff to you and assuming you know it oh yeah oh every day with mikey now i'm like yeah yeah yeah oh yeah i remember that episode in history and you're going well i always try to be like uh you sure you know everything are you sure because i'm like you call into question yeah oh my god you do just because you don't know because i don't know i'm like make sure you've got your facts straight himself and you try and diminish it i'll'll beg of. I do not. This kid is the new wave.

Right. Yeah. When you think about how this generation of men that I was raised with. Yeah. Was told. Jesus Christ. Don't ask. Yeah.

Jesus Christ. Don't open your mouth. Charlotte. There are women's things. And I mean women's things. Fucking ridiculous. Freaked me out. Oh really.

Well it was like. Why shouldn't we. Because really well it was like why shouldn't we because you didn't understand why shouldn't we ask you were like how bad is this well it's really bad that's the thing that no it's not really bad in that it's just a bodily process that every little boy could and should understand yeah okay you cut me You cut me off. The thing itself is bad. That's what I mean. Women need understanding. It's so bloody painful. It's not so bad that we can't talk about it.

Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, I think everyone should be talking about it. As a young fellow who doesn't get the answers, my point here is the young fellow that doesn't get the answers does what I did, which is like you're terrified. You're making it up in your own head yeah it's going what what could it possibly be well I think it's a real fangs once a month it's a real opportunity for boys to have an admiration for girls like they're putting up

a girl the same age as you is putting up with bleeding and cramps and pain like sometimes it feels like your vagina is getting stabbed and they're still playing football and they're still going to school and they're still doing their homework still they rise i mean girls are powerful i think boys should be a bit more like it's always like strong boys fuck that strong girls they push on and get through it and the mortification of when they do have a leak all these things the worry of that to bring it back to the marathon oh sorry back to the marathon where it's like you're as a man you're the whole time being told to grid it out and push through uh maybe framing it for your kid is like women are gritting it out and pushing through once a month every month why they make such incredible athletes and you've raised it this

week so what do women who have trained for this marathon do yeah if you know the time comes and it's the day of the because race i know you can plan it i know you can pill up and stuff but you still can always have a time where it'll just let you down tends to be your wedding day women all of this oh yeah yeah don't them at all i think you know what i think that um yeah honesty facts and compassion and boys having a dialogue of yeah girls are amazing i found it very weird when mikey did have that dialogue not that women are amazing but that he was so at home with yeah this thing which he still wasn't totally at home with yeah i was like i just felt like when i was raising him like i was like why would i hide my period from mikey why should he not know because those are not my

good days i'm at my worst and i needed to be able to say to him Mikey mommy's got her period there's a lot of emotions there's a lot of feelings I'm you know I'm trying my best not to react but you know give me a break today and I think that's fair enough yeah because it is about as much as it's about biology and understanding the human reproductive system yeah I mean it is about compassion too yeah that like while men don't have periods and they can never pretend to or even say that you know or make the equivalency of their moodiness being similar mental health is a part of this that certain people have times when they need extra care yeah all people yeah remind just women people have times it's yeah where care needs to be given and with your period it's the unpredictability of it because some months you'll have an easy

one and other months you won't. And yesterday we dropped Mikey to basketball and I got the worst cramp of my life. This is insane, guys. You have no idea. I was like, oh my God, I'm actually going to faint. This was pulling the car. Yeah, I was like, I could feel my face all getting red. I couldn't breathe anymore. And I was like, okay, Jared, I'm so sorry.

You're going to have to drop me home and you can go back for Mikey. And then I was just sick. I was just sick for an hour. And eventually the cramp stopped and i was like this is bullshit like this is my period this is my life i was like this is just period pain and i'm expected to just and unlike that you came back and we had to go somewhere and i was like fucking pull it together tina because it's just your period what was weird about that was it was to meet somebody in the pub for a surprise yeah right for me and i was like you've just been sick for an hour why do you want to go to the pub this is not the answer to this problem but because i had my period charlotte was too afraid to question me it's like like, well, I'm not going to get in a row over. If the lady wants wine, the lady shall have wine.

Okay, I think we've completely, I hope we answered this question. I think just honest, true facts. Tina, you know what's coming up? No. Guess what's coming. Oh, God. Very soon. What month is it?

It's April. Guess what's coming. god very soon what month is it it's april guess what's coming i don't know my birthday no charlotte that's august fuck off a heart attack just there you've got to get ready for it no i have a birthday month when are you gonna grow out of your birthday i'll never grow out of my birthday if anything i think you're not celebrating yours enough birthday month is what happens in our house oh god and it's just a birthday dread is what me and mikey call it never questioning whether you do a nice thing and if you see something you buy it you buy it and you worry about the consequences of that later and you buy it and when your partner turns to you and goes you're not buying that you go birthday month i'm recommending it to everyone okay well it's april please don't give me that anxiety just yet question today is about birthdays how do you deal with birthday parties when there are only 13 in the class and one of the children is a bully to most of those

children oh well what age are these kids i don't want to exclude anyone from my kid's birthday party but this child is physically violent to all of the other kids I have had to go to the school about him hitting my child, which has stopped. But he just moves on to the next child. Oh, no. To hit them and push them. It's Nelson Munce from The Simpsons. Do we invite Nelson to... I guess it's funny and all, but it's not funny

because this is a huge conundrum for this mom. I believe his issues are coming from home yeah okay yeah what is what what do you do invite him but watch him 100 of the time and correct him or leave him run riot or do you just not invite him okay well i think we all know that it's not the 80s anymore and you can't get away with leaving kids out like our parents were brazen say that's the 80s but that's happening do you think that's yeah it is no 100 well i mean this isn't about a child rearing question but this is a parenting conundrum this is a politics question well personally and i mean this mom has to do

whatever's right for her family. Personally, I would never. You just can't leave a child out. That's what she's saying. Yeah. But she's scared about what's going to happen if Nelson arrives at the party. I know. And starts delivering wedgies.

Well, he will, won't he? Because that's how this child copes. Because I like that this mom has told about the kid. She's not just labeling him as a trouble, you know, trouble. She's thinking he's a troubled kid. There's trouble from home here. This is, you know, this is a reflection of how he's been treated. It's really unfortunate.

But thank God this mom is kind about it. But you can't not invite him. You just can't because that's just going to make him worse. He's going to find out he wasn't invited. It's going to and your child is going to be a target again. Yeah. And the mom is. Can you invite his parents? parents well that's what i was gonna say i think if you're gonna invite someone like this you have to invite the parent and you have to tell them you're coming

to the party and you need to watch your child and all of the parents or just that one well no you'd have to encourage that parent to stay i mean we have done that in the past that has been something we have had to do, where there has been children in Mikey's circle of friends that I've had to say, you're going to have to come to the party because, you know, your child's a little bit trickier. What? Tina, come on.

That is true. They're different. This just shows you. Are you kidding me? Yeah. There was kids that were out of control in Mikey's class too. And they had to have their parents with them. Yeah, but I get the impression this is just, those kids had extra needs.

Yeah. But this kid, you know, I would imagine that this is just a case of a poorly behaved kid. Like the kid that I'm thinking of that this is more similar to in our own life. I can remember that kid smashing things up. And me going to the dad and saying, you know, he's wrecking the place. And him looking at me like, what do you want me to do? He's wrecked my house. I mean, that's much closer to what you're describing as a kid who the parents know.

Okay, he does have behavioral issues. We'll be there. OK, he does have behavioural issues. We'll be there. But this sounds more like this guy is marauding through the classroom and just shoving lads into pools. I take on board what you're saying.

We were lucky. The parents we dealt with were aware and they were willing to come. So there wasn't a pushing, trying to convince them to come to the party or tell them you have to come. They were very forthright about that.

But this mother kind of has to think someone has to be on this child or he's going to ruin her child's birthday now if it's at home in the house that's going to be really tricky i have got in touch with this mom and it's not going to be in the house it's going to be outside in a air in a play center so what i've advised her to do is if she can't get the mom to come because unfortunately if this child has this kind of behavior issues and she senses it's coming from home he might be unlucky enough to have a mom who's maybe not on top of her stuff at the moment you know maybe she's a little bit yeah so maybe this isn't an option so then i what i've advised her to do is get the center that they're going to to tell them one of the children is a bit more tricky they're going to need you're going to need

to shadow them a bit and they're going to need the ground rules read out to them a few times yeah and this child like give them when they're given a chance like all children like you know me i love i just love the children who are the trickiest those are the ones i'm most connected to because i'm like i know that child has it in them and sometimes it's just one person believing that they're not gonna ruin the party is enough for them to have a good time because think about it when they're ruining the party they're having a shit time too yeah when they're acting like that they're having a shit time too but if you get down to that kid's level and you say things like i'm so happy you made it we're so happy you're here all the guys are here now remember the rules

today we don't hit we don't shout if you feel yourself getting upset come to me talk to me i'll help you through it i say you say things like i used to say things like I really believe in you I'm happy you're here and that kid you would be amazed that they were like somebody believes in me so much easier not to invite him though I know but that's not an option it's just well okay but I hear what you're not cutting over what it is an option I've seen you do that it is an option for the kid yeah does go well this lady's actually nice she actually thinks i'm cool that's what they need it's amazing to watch they need someone to believe in them i mean it it can change that has happened to me with teenagers like you know who have tried to like

hurt me in the classroom and i'll be like i can see you're a good person like i know there's a lot going on you're you have a lot on. Like, I know there's a lot going on. You have a lot on your shoulders, but I believe in you. And then they're like... It's a hard place to get to do that. Oh, you have to. You have to come in early. Because what you've done is given the child a chance to know what's expected of them.

What are the rules? What you're not allowed to do. You're not allowed to do that. And if you do that, you won't be invited again. You're allowed to say things like that. He's not going to tell his mom and by the sounds of it she might not care even if he does so yeah yeah but it's really my first inkling was to say to the parents yeah all of the parents that we'd love you guys to come we've got some you know cake and stuff for

you guys it'd be a great chance for parents to meet up see i did suggest this to her and she said that um even when the parents come that this mom doesn't she just she lets other people take care of yeah and she tends to socialize and just talk to other parents and just she says nearly worse if my kid was that much of a handful probably do the same probably like could somebody else handle this for a little while can i get a glass of wine please i know it's so tough isn't it yeah i mean i want to get an email from nelson months as well who's like he's not being invited to parties anymore because he's battering the heads off lads now i mean it is did you have any relations that were like that or anyone in your

life when you were a kid that was you know in scraps regular and how did they deal with it i don't know oh i'm not sure did you i had there were two kids that uh lived near us and my dad worked with their dad and we'd meet them on a saturday afternoon and uh because my dad worked on saturdays and we could go to his work um and they would they were just off the reservation like they were just I don't want to say feral oh my god but they you know they were

the kind of kids that if they found a muddy hill they would skid down it on their arses in their best clothes okay and then

they'd push you down that hill to ruin your clothes they sound like fun I bet it was great to watch yeah then they'd push you down that hill to ruin your clothes. They sound like fun. I bet it was great to watch. I can remember them grabbing me by the back of my shirt and shoving grass down the back of my neck. I like these kids. This is the thing.

Tina loves the challenge of Nelson months. Yeah, I do. I remember us being in the car on the way home, being like, they're just the boldest boys. Oh, I do. I remember us being in the car on the way home being like, they're just the boldest boys. Oh, my God. And the Reagan kids. They're like, what are we going to do about them? Nobody's even watching them.

As I pull the hair out of my jocks. No, sorry, the grass out of my jocks. It would have been weird if they were stuffing hair down there. Yeah, hair from your head. Gross. It would have been weird if they were stuffing hair down there. Yeah, hair from your head. It would have been gross. But, like, this is not going to, this is not a generational thing.

This is not a now thing. This is not a 2023 thing. I am fascinated by the mother who is brave enough to go, no, you're not invited. Because we know that happens. We know. We know. We do. Oh, I'm always envious of that person.

Yeah, but I just think in the long run that doesn't work out i mean and what are you doing you're like you're explaining like it's only one kid yeah this is the thing it's like you're other tiny class yeah i mean it's different if there was 30 kids in the class and you only have space for 10 people will always understand that stuff but if there's only 13 kids in the class you cannot leave one of them out you just can't i reckon bring him invite him let the play center know he's coming this guy needs a little bit more support they'll be used to that yeah of course they don't they don't want they don't want the kid hurting people they are you're paying them yes exactly this is the thing that annoys me it's like you're paying them yes exactly this is the thing that annoys me it's like you're paying them they need to do their work and also but do try if you can

at all get down to the level when they come tell them i'm so happy you came we're so so happy you're here we're gonna have great fun today but remember you need to follow these rules these are the rules of the play center and you have to do them and just be like i really believe in you and i go and have fun and he he might surprise you might surprise you because this is a very similar chat that tina has with me before we go places jar i am so happy that you come here but i just don't want you to let yourself down well i can't wait to i hope we get to hear how this works out I really do too

I really do too that birthday party is not for ages though so she's obviously really worried about it I wonder is it in August I mean I'm preparing for this birthday tuna what it's not even a special one 43 is a biggie

43 this year whoa you're getting old yeah you're right you're right. We are right back. That's it. That's our show. Episode 28 is in the books.

Tina, thank you so much for everything. What are we going to be talking about over on Patreon in the bonus exclusive content? Well, there's a little bit more there about the mom who got in touch about her child, a crush, and, you know, he's not weeing at home, but they're not helping him. This is good because Tina's always saying

get the teachers involved what do you do when you try to get the teachers involved and they don't play ball and then I thought we'd also talk about the different kind of

parenting styles that they say what's the hardest kind of parenting I just think I feel like that's a dig coming at me no but I do think

it's funny that there's like a parenting style what's in fashion right now yeah yeah we're going to talk all about that over on patreon.com forward slash irishman abroad and the london marathon has happened so yeah we've been so we meant to like finish this episode before we left and then we meant to do it there but turns out when jarlett runs uh 42 kilometers he's retired

at the end a little bit A little bit of marathon chat over there over on patreon.com forward slash Irishman Abroad Tina thanks so much Thank you Dara I love you

Love you too