Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Ep 29 Can We Trust A Kid With A Phone, The Sleep Walker & Tina's Top Toilet Training Tips

Episode Date: May 1, 2023

Tina reveals that she has been reading Jarlath's diary and tries to explain her top tips for toilet training. What do you do with a sleepwalking child? Any kind of interruption to your child’s sleep is a worry. Throw in some sleep walking and now the whole family is afraid to sleep. How do you help your child through this problem while keeping them safe and saving your sanity? Are we keeping enough of an eye on our kids and their phone usage? These kids are way more tech savvy than us. What if your kid is deleting their internet history to hide what they're really up to? What could they be hiding? We are all on this learning journey of phone monitoring with our children. How do we keep them safe and ensure that they don’t see things they won’t be able to unsee? This is a hot topic and one that we will all have to face eventually. Jarlath and Tina have some exciting news! For the next few weeks they are partnering up with the brilliant www.buymie.ie . If you want to reduce your stress as a parent use the app and explore their home delivery services, drop in promo code - "Honey10" and get 10 euro off your first shop.

Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid with Jarleth and Tina. A go-lite parenting podcast proudly sponsored by BuyMe. The only way to get done stores delivered to your door in as little as an hour. Shop the full range of grocery products handpicked by your BuyMe personal shopper. T's and Z's apply. Hello and welcome to another episode of Honey, You're Ruining Your Kid with me, Jarleth Regan. The novice, the man who really is potentially ruining his kid. And Tina.

Myself. The child behaviourist person with the expertise and there's 20 years in the business, Tina. There's nothing she hasn't seen. We're getting emails from you guys every single week. A sack full of emails this week so many emails and i'm getting through them i really have to stress for people to nudge me if i haven't got back to them because it's hard to know which ones i'm not great at keeping an out system i am trying but i'm worried that someone i there's someone in there i haven't but yesterday was so

funny we were at this incredible event with these insanely amazing humanitarian lawyers and this incredibly incredible woman I'm so excited to be talking to these people was talking to me and she starts opening up

about her kids and then Charlotte mentions to her my job and straight away she was like no and I felt terrible for her and I was like

no no no no no you don't get it I'm not about the judgment I completely get we're all'm not about the judgment i completely get we're all surviving this stuff the terror on her face the absolute terror her method with her kid is to go it's this or uh this you know give them options do you want a bag of sweets or an apple and they'll say the bag of sweets and she's like well i don't have a bag of sweets so i guess you have any apple which i was laughing at i thought that's hilarious and then jarrett was like well you know this is tina's area

and her face and she's like oh god yeah she couldn't and i was like no no no that is absolutely not what we do and i was explaining on the podcast i was like you can give me anyone else's child i can help you but i struggle with my own child because we all struggle with our own children but it was so like somebody saying uh you know i've been scamming the tax man for years and uh me turning going yeah tina works for the revenue yeah that is what it was like she was like no oh god the cops are here really was. And it was so funny because then we had that amazing event. And then later on, Gerald had a comedy show and they were there and she was still a bit traumatized. I was like, seriously, I did not judge you.

I was laughing. I thought it was very funny what you said. Every time I walk into the office here, I always find Tina with the phone in hand doing a voice note to a different emailer. That's how it works. You email honey, you're ruining our kid at gmail.com. Tina reads the situation. She might back and forth with you on email, but she'll always get back to you with one of these voice notes.

Because let's face it, text can be misinterpreted. Yeah, well, I'm so worried about any kind of text and how people might read it but at the moment i'm getting like so many toileting questions that i i'm so confused myself because they're all so individual and they've all already started toilet training so it's like if i could get in there before with the advice before you start but when it's already started it's much more stressful and it's much more individualized and i'm having to come up with a separate plan for each child well they're also different what's on the agenda today tina what questions are we looking at well we have why can't i remember we have another period question actually we have a sleepwalking question sleepwalker and i think

there's another toileting question in there because we have had a million toileting questions in the last while. Everyone out there seems to be struggling with their child. And if I could just say one thing,

if you haven't, if you're listening and you haven't started toileting your child yet, okay, the one thing is you've got to make your plan before you start.

First, please check that they're ready. Know that they're ready. That's going to make a big difference. How do you mean? Just ask them, are you ready for this? Start talking about the toilet a little bit. See if they have any interest in the toilet.

Also, it really is better if you do daytime and nighttime at the same time. You know, don't break it down into things. The child will just think, I need to use the toilet at all times. won't think it's different for night time and that checking if they're ready for that is just checking are their nappies dry in the morning can they go the whole night without waiting that makes a huge difference to your life if you haven't started already right then you're going to have to spend a few days at home in your house without leaving. You actually have to be very consistent,

very military about this. You got to get a timer and you're going to tell your child every 20 minutes we're going to the toilet today. And at some point there's going to be a wee wee in there and you're going to see the wee wee and you're going to know what it's like to do a wee wee or a poo poo in the toilet. And every 20 minutes when the timer goes off, you sit your child in the toilet and you set the timer for one minute. You can sing a song. You can talk about silly things. You could even show them a video on your phone

if it takes that to keep them on the thing. When the timer goes off, if they haven't done anything, you reset it for 20 minutes and you say, We'll be back here then. We'll be back here in 20 minutes. Of course, if you feel a wee-wee coming, we'll come before then.

But otherwise, we're coming back and we're going to get a wee-wee in the toilet today. Then I would advise you to phase that out each day. Pull the time back each time. But you've got to bring them until they connect. Some kids will connect straight away. Other kids, it'll take four days and then all of a sudden they'll go, oh, I'm supposed to do my wee-wee in the toilet. Then also, you need a portable potty

because when you've had those two days at home consistently using the toilet then you need to tell them we do our weebies and poopoos in the toilet all the time mommy does daddy does everyone does and then when we're out whenever you need to go I've got it I've got you covered okay because the nappies are gone gotta throw away those naies. I feel awful for the parents who are like, and then we use the pull-ups when we're going out and stuff. And I'm like, you're sending so many mixed messages. You're telling your child you don't trust them. They're not going to trust themselves.

And I know it sounds so incredibly scary. And I'm going on a lot here. But I just feel like if you haven't toilet changed your child yet, I'm sorry, I sound so gross. I'm a little bit sniffly today. Don't do it until you know exactly what your plan is first because they are relying on you to lead this. They'll follow. And it is so much harder.

Like all these emails I'm getting at the moment, it is so much harder on these poor parents because they didn't maybe know if the child was ready yet. They need clarity. They didn't maybe know if the child was ready yet they need clarity they didn't have a plan they didn't know you try and do night time and daytime all at the same time get rid of the nappies there can't be an option your kids are so clever they work you out our kids are so cute they have us completely worked out don't let there be options for them to be like ah they can smell vagueness oh my god they're unbelievable iffy on something they also smell the the relation who will give them sweets oh my god they have us all worked out they have us all worked out i remember having them figured yeah i remember knowing who was the soft touch my parents still tell this story about mikey because

mikey was quite a cute child like he was quite click for bias how do you say click is it click click yeah it's an irish word meaning street smart yeah me and jarb were so onto it but we couldn't get people to believe us and we're like well jenna he will work you out and when he was tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny like he was a very early talker because i spoke to him all the time i don't remember mikey not talking to be honest he's always yammering on and i think he was like 10 months 11 months old and he wanted an ice cream and i was staying in my parents house that night you must have been away at a gig or something and i was like no mikey you're not having an ice cream you haven't you haven't had your lunch or

something like that he was only 11 months old. He shouldn't be eating ice cream. He was in his grandparents' house. He knew all rules right out the window. And he said to me, mommy, do your makeup. Go in the bathroom. Yeah, do your makeup. And I was like.

So he's sitting in the high chair. High chair. He's 11 months old. It's already terrifying that our child is in there. And I was like, I said to my parents, watch this. And then I went out to the hall and i stood and he waited and then he goes now ice cream and i was like oh my god like it is unbelievable how clever babies are genius but my parents bring that up all the time because

it frightened them they got a fright you know they, holy shit, he's a baby. I was delighted. Okay, so obviously this is episode 29 and we've been having so much fun recording this. I mean, I actually love it. People ask me, how are you pulling up with Charlotte? But I really enjoy this time with you, Charlotte. Do people say that?

People do say that. I've been up with them. Yeah, mostly my friends. It's been 23 years, 29 episodes. We're doing great. But we've been, like, throughout this course of these 29 episodes, people have been in touch wondering could they sponsor the show. And we haven't found the right fit up until this week.

We're really excited because buy me got in touch and i had not heard about buy me and then i looked into them and i was like oh my god this couldn't be a better fit for us because not just a fit for our show a fit for my life since we moved home from england i have not been able to figure out online grocery in ireland It's really hard. And then this company called Buy Me Get In Touch, and they're like, we can guarantee you your groceries within the day in Ireland from Dunn Stores.

In as little as an hour. Yeah. This is bananas. As far as I can see, there's no way of getting groceries from Dunn Stores unless you ring them. Like that was what you had to do. I'm not ringing Dunn Stores.

So much of our podcast is about diminishing stress on your part as a parent. And if anything is going to diminish your stress, not having to go to the second supermarket constantly.

I hate going to the shop. So I'm really excited. I'm hoping that you guys will be excited too. And to celebrate it, they've given us an offer code. So if you download their app and you put Honey10.

Honey10. That's the offer code. Yeah. Into the app. Yeah. You get a little discount for yourself. I'm Tina and Ger. Yeah.

You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. And I'm really excited. I think this is going to be a good fit for us. Let us know how you get on. Let us know how you get on. We want to hear

how much this is reducing your stress. Yeah. And being able to do that in the day is just crazy. So welcome aboard. Yeah, welcome aboard by me. We have to go to question number one straight away. Our 11-year-old, Tina and Jar. Our 11-year-old boy has started sleepwalking and it's a nightmare.

No pun intended. We don't know what to do. We found him downstairs, wandering the halls, walking around his room. It's very frustrating because he's definitely asleep. Any advice would be really helpful. We've picked up a couple of books, but we'd just love to hear what Tina thinks on this. Okay. Well, I mean, sleep issues like this are really frightening, aren't they? Because you know something else is manifesting and it's coming out in the night. Really?

Yeah, well, it's a stress. This person, you're feeling stress, you're not dealing with it, and it comes out in your sleep. See, I didn't know that. You didn't know that? No. Well, I am a sleepwalker. I haven't sleptwalk in a long time. But if I am very, very, very stressed out, I will sleepwalk.

And it probably does run in families. I wonder, are the very very stressed out i will sleepwalk and it probably does run in families i wonder are the parents one of the parents sleepwalkers here too how does a sleepwalker as a kid as well where are you a sleepwalker as a kid like like full stepbrothers oh wow downstairs making food oh well you know that was you as well yeah you know when i lived with my lovely friend fiona i would wake up during the night and there would be food in my bed and i'd have made a toasty but like how did i do that in my sleep? And my worst thing I did was I used to ring people and only my friend Andrea got in touch with me to be like why did you ring me last night to say go fuck yourself? And I was like what? And then I had to check my

phone every day because I was ringing people I didn't even know that well in my sleep and abusing them yeah really angry so I had to get my friends I was living with at the time to take my phone for me so yeah anyway that's all about me I'm so sorry sleep issues are terrifying what do we know we know you cannot wake your child up while they're while they're no you direct them back to bed you cozy them in you tell them they're safe do not wake them up that's not okay all right they can talk with you when they're asleep we know that but don't wake them up just why not well i don't think it's supposed to be very bad for them you can wake up very confused and angry or rational and or frightened so just get them back to bed that's easily enough

done and then you have to think about ways to help them cope with whatever it is that is coming out at nighttime. Talking to you at 11 years old is probably not going to happen. These 11-year-old kids and 12-year-olds and 13-year-olds, don't, I don't know,

they're not great at opening up, are they? Not a lot of the time. No, not a lot of the time. The fact that this is manifesting this way is probably proof yeah yeah is there anything like outside of this so talk about it try and get to the bottom of it try and yeah bring them around but like is there is there possibility that there's something bigger like medically going on there could be but what i sometimes think is that we put all this effort into the bedtime regime when they're babies and they're toddlers and then all of a sudden they're six seven eight and we're like and you pop now read

your book off you go to sleep but actually not even read your book just we've just finished watching tv go to sleep yeah whereas actually they need the same prep definitely they need to feel relaxed so i think like we're a little bit strict about this in our house in that we we make sure mikey has like an hour window before sleep and he's a bit older now so it's actually easier to do that where no screens no screens my goodness uh hopefully a diary entry getting out whatever he can in his safe place i would suggest this for this family too. That you don't read because they're too old now. I mean and then reading a book or doing a

meditation. These sleep meditations are amazing. There's so many of them to choose from now. You can literally get any one you like. I used to listen to Michelle Sanctuary. I love Michelle Sanctuary. This is my Michelle Sanctuary. I tried Michelle Sanctuary but Mikey didn't like Michelle Sanctuary. Hi, this is Michelle Sanctuary. I love it sanctuary, but Mikey didn't like Michelle sanctuary.

Hi, this is Michelle sanctuary. I love it. She'd be like, I'm not a doctor. But it's like Michelle sanctuary gets me to sleep all the time. Yeah. But like when I say something deeper, I obviously have a story here about, he's not really a friend, but kind of a work acquaintance who had a very severe sleepwalking situation oh god into his 20s talking about yeah yeah well these things can get really out of control yeah he was sleepwalking to a ridiculous extent where he was living out the

dreams that he was having including there was a. He says he could vividly remember the dreams. Oh, my God. A missile heading for his room. The coordinates were him. So in his dream, there was all these military generals going, Mike, it's you. You're the reason we're all going to die. So he jumps through the window of his hotel room. This is a terrible story for big news. We're all going to die. So he jumps through the window of his hotel room. This is a terrible story for this mom.

Well, I can tell you, he gets to the bottom of it. And there's a great show to watch about it. He jumps through the window of his hotel room. Oh, my God. Lansin wakes up in a cornfield running from the hotel. Oh, my God. He can literally turn around with the shards of blood and glass in him go back to reception and go can i have a room key for you know two four six because he was only one one floor up luckily and bottom line was that his brain wasn't producing enough

of the chemical that paralyzes you when you're asleep oh my my God. That was the issue. I didn't know that. So the issue is that when you go to sleep, and the other way when you wake up and you nearly can't get your body to move, it's because there's this chemical that your brain releases that keeps you still. Whoa. He wasn't producing it. And still doesn't. Wow.

So the way he goes to sleep now, and hopefully this is not the case for this mom, is that he has to wear a zip up. No. Yeah, he wears a full on sleeping bag to bed and the fine motor movement of having to unzip it wakes him. Oh, okay. So that's how. Well then, you know, because I was just going to say we need to break the cycle.

The habit has formed of this kid getting up during the night. So I was going to say try and adopt these practices of the diary writing, the meditation or the reading the book, the very calm nightlight in the room, all these things. And then if basically now, if that doesn't work, if you don't break the cycle within a week i would think maybe you do need to go to the doctor yeah you frighten me also extremely hard for doctor to figure it out but i wonder um like i do think that tina's method is going to work because yeah all of us even parents listen to this like how many of you listen to this now your method of going to sleep is scroll on your phone until the battery runs out i know we're all in a terrible worst way we're absolutely not doing like we all need to read a book we all need to be really calm and central she's saying this and she is the prime offender well well you can't say that to me because

i will literally fall asleep anywhere at any time when i'm talking yeah when you're stuck during this podcast mostly i fall asleep i can't talk talk to Tina for an extended period of time. Even when we're doing this podcast, you're yawning because of the hypnotic effect of my dulcet tones. But I have friends who listen to your podcast to get to sleep because your voice is so calming. And I always find that a bit weird. I'm never sure whether to take offense to this. I'm always a bit weird. I'm like, so you fall asleep with my husband's voice in here?

Bottom line, to this mom, get your parent to listen to Irishman abroad interviews. Your child, yeah. Well, yeah, it's breaking the cycle. So hopefully that works. He might just be afraid in the room. We don't know. This is a very strange age. Also, the video games they're playing, my God, if they're playing them too much, they are going to close their eyes and they're going to be in that game again. So you mentioned the diary and the diaries come up quite a bit on this show. The diaries are super helpful. Eleven, they're going to be writing some funny stuff as well.

Yeah. Like I remember my diary from Eleven and I still look back on it. It was a fabulous read. I remember your diary from Eleven and Twelve too because I remember staying in your house. What did I hear? Your face. You were not meant to read it. Your face. I remember staying in your house one time and You didn't. I didn't. This is the biggest betrayal. Well, after that betrayal that I've just lived through.

Come on, we don't remember that we read them together. Remember, we laughed. Come on, Derek, don't make me sound like a marvel. You said you read my 11-year-old once. I know. I think I got the ages mixed up or something. She's just backpedalling now. Yeah, no, there's absolutely

no way my parents haven't read them by now. But the other thing is, diaries are so boring. Yeah, they are. But, you know, it's a trust thing. If your kid is, you get your kid a diary to write in, you really can read it. And you really can't judge them if you do. You have to be like you know okay

that's what they're that's your stuff is their pillow to scream into i guess yeah exactly uh so with that in mind our next question is about you know trusting your kid believing your kid relying on them to make the right decisions. Hey Tina and Jar, absolutely love the show. Congratulations, Jar, on the sub four marathon. It's a phenomenal achievement. It doesn't say that. I can't believe you did that. You truly are a stallion of a man.

I added the truly are a stallion of a man, but let's face it, I am. My situation is this. My eight-year-old has a phone and I know it was too soon to give him a phone, but it had to be done because of his older siblings. It was causing so much stress in the house that we eventually relented on the understanding that he would be responsible and wouldn't watch things he shouldn't watch. We talked at length about what's dangerous, what you can't unsee on the internet and why he

needs to be vigilant and bring the phone to us if anything like that crops up in his timeline or algorithm. Yes, we have talked to him about algorithms. I thought we were in safe territory, but then the other day he mentioned something in conversation that really was a red flag to me. And I wondered, has he watched something on that phone that he shouldn't? So I went to the internet history. All of it has been deleted. Oh, God. Another red flag.

Now, I understand fully that by putting the phone in his hand, I was bringing this into our life. So I feel tremendous guilt and can't really talk to my husband about it. I wonder, could you advise me on where to go next with this potentially serious situation? Well, I mean, I feel terrible for this woman because it was too young. Eight year old shouldn't have phones. I mean, they don't technically need them until they're in secondary school. I mean, I know. Especially if you don't, maybe eight is too young if you don't have the restrictions in place. Like there is ways and means of doing that.

No, eight is definitely too young. I think in year six, they kind of make them get phones. The horse has left the stable. Yeah, no, I know. I feel terrible for her because I'd imagine she does feel guilty because her kid is way too young. Well, dear, I don't know. I mean, I don't even know how to delete my own internet history. Yeah, you are the Hillary Clinton of this family. They're like, what's emails?

And no, Tina, you make out that you're not internet savvy. No, I know what it is. I know that if I didn't have you to fix all my internet problems, I'd be brilliant. But I'm just like, Char, what the heck? Char will fix it. Char will fix it. Get the handyman. Char is brilliant at this.

He loves it. So the situation is she has heard him say something that worries her. Yeah. So she doesn't know for sure. Well, fair play to her for even noticing that. Yeah, having the ears turned on. Yeah, you know, yeah. Like yeah like i mean that's where we all fall down we just don't we're not listening she was listening so well done there and uh i mean you're gonna have to take the phone and put whatever security you can put in it like what can she do jar i don't understand these things i I mean, I don't. I don't either. Any experience in deleting my internet history.

I wouldn't know either. And what would I have to hide? Let's be honest. All of my internet searches are for sneakers, stand-up comedy and running.

But like, it's frightening how children know how to do all this stuff. Here's the other thing. There is a possibility that the internet history was automatically being deleted okay for whatever reason okay um there is there could be an innocent explanation for this kids hear mad stuff right they hear mad stuff all the time and they potentially hear it from you unbeknownst to yourself you might have said something that they heard it's also the algorithm isn't fair because it could be listening in and throw something

up or it can, you know, you're watching something and it suggests something else. All I'm trying to do here is calm this mom down that there's every chance that he hasn't looked up anything and that he's just heard his older siblings. Maybe someone else showed him something. But her good feeling is important. He's sad. Clearly she's left that out for a reason. The first thing I do is turn back on the internet history. Okay. Then from there, you'll be able to know, right, he is manually deleting this.

Okay, yeah, that's really good. So he has something to hide. manually deleting this okay yeah something to hide but like i i think it's generally a rule that if your child is still like under the not in a teenager years that the general rule i know among the moms and dads i'm friends with is that the child knows you're going to check their phone all right mikey knows i can check his phone whenever i want yeah so like i mean i hope that rule is in this house because if it's not she's well within her rights to bring it in he's only eight

so Tina's always talked about having this these sit downs so you could make it like a family sit down with all of the siblings around

internet and oh that's a brilliant idea have a sit down yeah with everyone so that this guy doesn't think it's all about him oh yeah

and just you know a general rules reminder rules of the phone. Brilliant. I'm a bit tired today, sorry. I'm always saying that on the podcast. I'm so sorry. Have a sit down. Let's set out the constitution for how we use our devices.

Good idea. I'm allowed to check your device. And in that way, you know, you're safe. Yeah. These are the rules. I'm your parent. Yeah. Just leave it.

No apologies. Yeah. That's it. That way I can check if you need the os updated if i need to top up your paypal or your uh whatever nintendo account i can keep an eye on all of these things and you know no harm will come it's also super important because as we know we've experienced this ourselves that um conversations in that group end up being dealt with at school. So you need to be in the know

because you need like ourselves we had an email last week going you need to check a general email to all the parents if your child has their phone at home right now

because a phone has been found in the school and if it's your kid they are in big trouble. Yeah. And I was like thank God Mikey's phone doesn't work outside this house.

I don't know how you've done that. Tina made that decision that the SIM isn't going to be in there, that it's just going to be a phone that works on one internet. I mean, we only have a few months left of that because once he starts secondary school, we can't do that anymore. Yeah, all bets are off. Right, so that's the first thing. Then the next thing I would say is you may have to just accept that he's seen something, that he's going to see things.

Yeah, well, she mentioned older siblings, so that's kind of a good crutch for her. She can go to them and say, look, can you guys talk to him? Maybe he'll open up to you guys and then you come to me. Because there's more chance of him opening up to a sibling than a parent. Is there? Absolutely. Big time. Could you imagine

if your older brother and sister showed an interest in you? I think it depends on the relationship with your siblings. Because my understanding is that an older sibling will grab them by the neck and go, just tell me.

No, but I mean, imagine if she can come around it the right way. That older sibling, the little guy, is going to be like, oh my God, they care about me. Think about it.

Yeah, see, Tina, I don't know what relationship you had with your siblings, but it would have been, you're getting a wedgie if you don't tell me right now what you've been up to.

Really? So there would have been the threat of violence. I'm going to sit on you until you tell me did you or did you not look up some bad shit on the internet.

Also, another tool she has at her disposal here is that schools are really getting on this stuff now. So she should go to the teacher and be like, I need your help. I need, you know, like he's not going to be the only eight-year-old in the class with a phone. We know that. I mean, somebody during the week told me that they just got their seven-year-old a phone. And that was a time when I had to hide the shock on my face because I was like, what the hell?

Who is that seven-year-old ringing? Come on. This is a really important email. They can't even write a sentence yet. Because if you don't get on top of it, no more than you said at the very top of the show about clarity on the toilet drain. If you do not have clarity and if you are not leading on this they are heading into the wilderness yeah and they will stumble across you know gordy la chance and the boys are going to find dead bodies they're going to find skeletons and all kinds of nasty stuff yeah the school will help for sure because

like we know that certain kids back when we were in England had seen things on the internet that have prevented them from sleeping for months. That's true. So you are dicing with death here. And while this moment is on it, there is a chance that your spidey senses or your parents senses are tingling. Yeah. But nothing might have happened. I know at least three 14-year-olds from where we used to live who are still going to counselling over something they saw on the internet.

What? And they can't sleep at night. So you're right, in essence, to get on top of this quick. Get a family meeting going. Yeah. Lay down the rules. Lay down the rules. Yeah.

Get school involved. Make sure they know I'm checking your phone every night. Yeah. Because down the rules. Lay down the rules. Yeah. Get school involved. Make sure they know I'm checking your phone every night. Yeah. Because that is your right. You're their parent. They're bloody eight. And get that internet history rule in. Your internet history is never to be deleted.

Oh, that's a good one. I think that just has to be there. I, like, what if she doesn't know how to do it? I don't know how to do it. I don't even know how to turn it off. Please don't. Again, I've never, ever deleted my internet history. Even around your birth chart.

You don't even know how to search internet history. I know me. The internet's a mystery. I hope that's a help. I think that is a help. The internet's a mystery. So, hi. This is our final question there of course will be more over on patreon.com forward slash irishman abroad i'm talking ad free extra juicy stuff maybe my favorite bit of the podcast happens

over on patreon because we get to dig in a little bit deeper hear back from people who had tina get back to them and get a follow-up on some of these cases. Cases, I love that we're on the case. Hi, Tina and Jar. Just catching up with your podcast after seeing Jarlet on Angela Scanlon. That was fun. It was. Me and Keith Duffy, compulsory Keith Duffy shout-out each week.

Best friends, still texting. Here, listening to episode two. So this person's gone right back okay right uh toilet training i've four kids three brill last angel is five this tune i love that four kids three brilliant yeah it's like you're for uh three rights for band members oh how did keith not remember that uh great for the weeing in the toilet this final kid never wets now as for number two oh this is a plops situation the poor guy's bum is ruined oh this is so normal he can't do it i mean he can't do it in the toilet yeah this is out of nappies and i'm actually gonna have to buy an underwear company soon the amount we go through have tried movical yeah so that's to help with um constipation and letting go. Rewards. Okay.

Threats. My favorite. Everything. His brother has ASD. What's that? So it's autism spectrum disorder. And we are heading similar way for him, I think. Any help, advice, words of wisdom would be amazing, Tina.

I love that she excludes me from that congrats on the marathon listening to you while i train for the cork half marathon so thanks your fab stay being super good luck with the cork half marathon what do you say there tina well you know first of all fair play getting them weighing that really good. At least he's doing that. And also, this is so common with boys. It really is. I see it all the time. It is so hard to know why,

but a lot of young boys have extreme difficulty letting go of their poo. They just don't want to and they don't like the idea of it. And sometimes it comes down to talking about the toilet and the function of the toilet and where the poo goes and how it's okay to let go of your poo and i mean i know i bang on about that everybody poos books but that everybody poo book is like it's just explaining to your child how natural how natural this is how this thing you're doing this is your body's waste disposal you put the food in the food does its job and the bits we don't need come

out of your body and that is your poo and it needs to go in the toilet and be flushed away yeah yeah just explaining to them it's a really natural now some this child is suffering with a bit of constipation so that means of course these poos are painful experiences for him so it's looking at his diet it's really no laughing matter the diet is the first thing right if you're wondering what's not coming out well she's having to use laxatives so the poor child because then it's very hard for them to control their pooing because it's spontaneous it can be just all of a sudden they're because we know how those things work i mean we have how many we have

boxes of that stuff when you donated your kidney because they were talk about this but they were so worried about your bowel movement after we we never actually needed to use them but we had in case and i don't know why we've held on to them for so long but like it really does ironic in some ways such a bad joke let them go kind of let them go but isn't it so strange you know like little boys they're like first of all it's really important for this mom to know this this is not unusual it's not unusual episode one of the show it's so common I see it all the time sometimes I've found

in nursery and Montessori classrooms that sometimes the little boys just need you to hold their hand because there is it is a because they're so afraid of letting go it is going to hurt them

because they've made it into a big deal and just holding their hand and giving them the reassurance which to be honest I'm not actually allowed to do no earlier seizure is but you do it because you care about these kids and you want them to be okay holding their hand and letting them know it's breeding talk to them about

breeding you know get them doing their deep breaths and all of a sudden the poo comes out and three four times at this process where they go okay if i'm a bit more relaxed it doesn't hurt me so much it's gonna be okay he's basically built it up way too much in his head and also if maybe he has the same issue as his brother it's way more common in children like that too because again they're not really sure of what they're feeling it's a whole they're wearing that feeling way more than the rest of us because um it's what's the word i'm looking for the sensory feeling of it is much more immense so it is a bigger deal for those kids and they do need that bit more support.

I mean, this is going to be really helpful for this, Mom, because I do think that a lot of the males that we get, people email in and they think this is just me and that this is not. Yeah. There's no end in sight. Yeah. But you're saying it can be something quite small. Oh, yeah. But it will turn. And what you see afterwards when you get on top of this pooping issue is their mood, their temperament changes. Because think about it.

They're holding on to their poo. That takes such concentration. They're not in good form. They're very quick to temper. A lot of the kids you'll come across in your classroom who have behavioral issues also have toileting issues and you can get into like there's always a reason behind every behavior you get to the bottom of it you can help this kid so much so like i do think there's hope i think it's really must be quite bad if she's having to use laxatives he's really holding on to it so maybe going to the toilet like how does she

have the time for that i mean she's got four kids there's all these tricky things but if she can go oh sorry that was my chair if she can go with him to the toilet hold his hand tell him it's going to be okay i know this hurts talk about all the feelings i know you're afraid it's going to hurt you it might hurt mommy's here i've got your hand you squeeze my hand mommy will take the pain for you let's focus on our breathing just get him to do it a few times a few successes where it doesn't hurt so much for him to let it go you'll move through this really well this is such a romantic talk you know but i i just i'm so used to talking about you really are you really are the poo expert i mean and i do think sometimes in this age group singing that song everybody poos i mean it is a book but i made it into a song and then children are laughing

about it and they're just it's in their head i'm not the only person and you know empathizing with yes sometimes it hurts me to go toilet too i mean that's why we don't hold on to our poos the longer you hold it the harder it's going to feel when it comes out of your bottom. And that's what hurts you. So let's, when we feel like we need to go to the toilet and do our poo, let's just know that that is our body getting rid of the things we do not need. We have these special toilets and then we get to flush it away and say so long poo. I wonder if she'd bring the half marathon into? Because there's so much poo chat among runners. Yeah. She could make it that mommy's working on this too.

That I have to do a poo before I go for my run. Really? Yeah. No, you've, this is what I was. How do you make yourself go poo? Well, it's the whole calculation. I only knew one person who could ever do that. A boy from college.

You learn your system, right? Sonia's always talking about it. It's like, you know how much time like i said at t in london i was like the day before i was like no i have to get up at this time because i've timed it this is when i'm gonna need to go no way like i said it to you at dinner and i was like i don't want to talk about it at dinner but this is why we need to get i don't think i really clicked what you were listening what you were talking about this would be helpful for this mom too for her half marathon you you are working on your poo too mom and you need to be ready to explain to them that like hey i'm working on two here yeah empathizing helps so much you empathize with your kid you listen and then you empathize they just feel hurt and i'm

always trying to remind myself of that too god they have to feel hurt feeling hurt just like i'm always saying to jarlett don't try and fix my problem just listen to it and if any girls like jarrett's always friends with girls girls love jarlett and i'm like don't try and fix their problems just listen they don't want you to fix it they just want to be hurt yeah i i don't know i hear that that's our show for this week of course there's more there's always more over on patreon.com forward slash irishman abroad if you want to support the show support what we're doing and hear bonus episodes extra content ad free episodes every single week of this podcast. Sonia O'Sullivan's podcast, Marian McKeown and the big interview with Roz Purcell that's coming out this weekend.

Come on over to patreon.com forward slash Irishman Abroad. What are we going to be talking about over there, Tina? Well, this week we're actually going to be talking about a lady who got in touch who's part of the Together for Safety campaign. Okay. Yeah. I hear all about that. And are we hearing back from somebody who you've replied to? Well, we have a few people that have been getting back in touch,

but they're all ongoing things. So we might. Okay. So we might do some general chat about what you've been getting. Yeah. What's the most common stuff you're seeing? Toilets, toilets, toilets. Toilets, toilets, toilets.

Toilets, toilets, toilets. Okay. And I might put a couple of questions to tina that i have rattling around and i hate when you do that tina hates surprises but it's where the real talk happens over on patreon.com forward slash irishman abroad by me are our sponsor we're well so happy to have them yeah if you want to reduce your parenting stress stop going to the bleeding supermarket for the big shop

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