Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Ep 30 Somebody Stop That Child! Kids That Run, Twin Terrors & The Kid That Bites!

Episode Date: May 8, 2023

Brothers and sisters can't get along all the time but what do you do when you have twin toddlers who are unwaveringly supportive of each other's terrible behaviour! This week Tina helps a mom who has two four year old runners! With her stress levels through the roof, she gets the concrete advice she needs to stop this behaviour once and for all. Can you stop a tantrum throwing child or do they "just grow out of it"? A very exhausted parent gets in touch for some advice about her three year olds tornado tantrums. She bravely explains how unpredictable in nature these 50 minute outbursts can be. If you're struggling with something similar, you will near to hear this. Tina has seen every type of prima donna kid behaviour and knows how to change things for the better. She explains how she lays out a behaviour plan that will help all parents cope and prevent the tantrum habit. Finally things get political with the last question of the show. What do you do if your niece is biting your boys? Can you brooch it with their mum or is that too much of a family minefield? It is possible to arm your boys with a technique to get out of bites. Why is talking to other parents about their kids' behaviour always so tricky? Have you tried to pull another parent on their kid's behaviour? How did it go? Is there a way to do it that won't result in fireworks? Loads of parents have already been in touch on this issue, why not tell us your experience anonymously? [e-mail] The Buymie.ie offer code is "honey10" - download the app and give it a go. If you're having a nightmare with your shopping, this might be the answer!

Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid with Jarleth and Tina. A Go Loud Parenting Podcast proudly sponsored by Buy Me. The only way to get done stores delivered to your door in as little as an hour. Shop the full range of grocery products handpicked by your Buy Me personal shopper. T's and Z's apply. It's Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, the parenting podcast from the Irishman Abroad brought to you in association with Go Loud. And if ever, Tina, I get a window back into

what it is to be sleep deprived, not tired, just for the parents. I know, I know when people go, oh God, I'm so tired. And you're just going, no, no, no, no. I'm not tired. I am sleep deprived. Yes, yes, yes.

We got a window into it this week. I mean, just explain to people exactly what took place. Oh, well, you know, it's hard to explain really, but the dog we live with, we do, the dog whose house we're staying in, just decided to bark all night. From half eleven to half six in the morning. No exaggeration. Never stopped. Never stopped barking. Didn't matter how many six in the morning. No exaggeration. Never stopped. Constant. Never stopped barking.

It didn't matter how many times you said to him, dude, everything's okay. Yeah, rub him. I hugged him. I snuggled him. I put him out. He did the poo. He did poos. Gave him water.

Gave him food. It was like a toddler who's gone off the reservation. It was really traumatic. I gave up pretty early because I was like, I'm going to put a pillow over my head and get some sleep. You went put a pillow over my head and get some sleep. You went with the pillow over the head. Can you imagine if that's what you'd done when your kid was crying in the middle of the night? I'm too tired for this.

I'm just going to put a pillow over my head. But when you say we live with this dog, it always sounds like he's our flatmate. And he's just like, it's his house. I can't complain. He is the strangest dog I's the worst ever met first of all i'm afraid of dogs they're all worse dogs no there's nobody there are dogs that attack people i would prefer that i think i would prefer to be attacked than this dog and fairness to him in eight in eight months of being here this is the first night this has happened but it was so unreasonable

it was just like those days where you're like with the tiny baby where you're going you're being ridiculous well like he used to do it a lot when we we used to be back on holidays and uh jarla would come down and go shut the fuck up and he would go to sleep all offended but like he's a tiny dog like it's very hard to describe this dog he refuses to eat food except one one pellet at a time one type of food so he's really skinny he also eats one nut of the food and then puts one nut in the shoe at the front whatever door dog or shoe is at the door there's one for me one for you he doesn't drink water out of the dish regularly he punches it with his top and catches it in the air flaps it when the water goes up

there's water obviously everywhere he catches it in his mouth he definitely doesn't know he's a dog he doesn't know i don't know what he thinks he is but it's not a dog no it's i think i think our other dogs that live outside this is a lot of dog talk but our other our other dogs are great they know their dogs they're like hey i'm a dog i'm really nice let's go say hello to me i'm a dog i'm very cute anybody got a ball anyone got a ball you got a ball yeah they're to come back though to the sleep deprivation we were so tired i have never well i have and it just brought back such memories yeah shout out to all of the parents who are out there now going yeah oh my god the whole reason i'm listening to this podcast is i have 30 minutes

to myself yeah and you're trying to return to yourself like it does feel like the weirdest hangover like jet lag it is like jet lagged and it really did remind me of those early days with mikey when which is so hard like when you go to fill a bottle and you realize i'm actually pouring the milk into the kettle into the bin the bin the amount of times i did that or put toys in the washing machine and stuff if you have one of those we need to do a call out what is the most bizarre thing you've done while sleep oh that's brilliant yeah i knew i was sleep deprived for the first time in my life when i drove past a hospital and i honestly thought to myself je jeez, I wouldn't mind a week in there. Yeah. It brought a smile to my face, the thought of just getting to life.

Maybe if I throw myself down the stairs. I was fantasising over what small injury could result in me going to the hospital. I hear you because I always end up in hospital at some point each year. And when I became a mother, I was like, oh, it'll be great now when I'm in hospital for that bit of time if this is people's first time listening to the show we've got to be clear tina does wind up in hospital once a year usually but it's not at my

hand no i don't put her in hospital once a year yeah tina's very very specific health situation yeah and sometimes my body just goes That's it I need a lot of different things in it To keep it going Anyway The dog made us very tired And no one cared the next day Nobody cared

I'm not sure we were believed Yeah I don't think people believed us People were like Well I would have heard him But also like People didn't believe that he barked constantly But he barked constantly It was insane

And I thought Any moment now he'll get tired Yeah yeah or his bark will go can they lose their bark i don't know i thought about every i don't know this is long all these bad thoughts but i will say oh i definitely thought about killing the dog sorry i did and you know what i wouldn't even be sad about it i wouldn't even be sad about it because he's such a non-dog. He's not even a, he's not even a, what, Gerard? I always go to the... He won't let you rub him. But just like with a kid who's crying the whole time or a colicky baby...

You can't compare a dog to a kid. ...is the innocence. Like, the dog... Sometimes it feels like the... You know when you feel like your kid is being spiteful? Yeah. That is the problem with this dog. No, you can't compare dogs

he was pissed off we were in watching a movie and he heard we definitely didn't say good night to him like we normally do and i think he went fucking bananas but you know what he's a bit of a royal yeah i mean shout out to everybody who's celebrating the coronation i mean really before we get going congratulations charles i got the orb yeah got your stick i need an orb of power myself i watched it because like i adore history and i'm like i'm not gonna let historical moments pass there are other things i used this as an excuse for everything because i read excuse for buying because i read yeah i read harry i read it i'm a historian yeah I read it I'm titillated

by all of this little bits of information that book is so boring I'm sorry that book is boring really yeah but I did watch it

because I was like how could I let this I've been reading about kings and stuff for years and I'm just going to not watch it actually happen in real life

but it's batshit crazy batshit bananas and you also watched it from a child behaviourist perspective to watch Princeis and he got taken out just keeps giving they literally snipered him off a roof yeah someone tasered him with calpol i mean the poor can you imagine how stressed out his nanny is though because they led with the caption prince louis has been allowed go but the he's gonna sit through the whole two hours but the nanny is on standby Because they led with the caption, Prince Louis has been allowed go.

But he's going to sit through the whole two hours. But the nanny is on standby. And I was like, that's hilarious. Then the camera's not really going to Kate and them. But then it does flash over and Prince Louis is not there anymore. So Prince Louis is gone. And then when Grandad is leaving at the end, Prince Louis is back. And I'm like, that's hilarious. Best bit of the whole thing?

Kate and William holding up the whole show because they were late and it was the most human and family moment of the whole thing because you knew dad's going to be furious over this

we're going to get such a bollocking at the afters where the fuck were you the tube was really full who knew

loads of people came. It was bloody unacceptable. It's so funny. But speaking about sleep deprivation, now one more thing. When I talk about killing the dog, which was a thought I really had that night, I do have to be careful when it comes to sleep

and interrupting my sleep. Once when I was a child and we were at a family, we were staying in Leenane, in Leenane Hotel. It's actually a cute place. And they had a room. For the whole family.

So all five of us were in it. And I woke up during the night. About to smother my father. Oh my gosh. I was standing over him. With a pillow. With the pillow. About to do it.

And. And is this why. This has happened so many times. In our relationship. With thoserelated events. But can you imagine that in my sleep, his snoring was annoying me so much that I took the pillow, went over and that's how your subconscious works. But like when I woke up about to do it, I remember going, oh, Jesus. And then I just goes back to sleep.

Oh, Jesus is about to commit a murder. Anyway, back to sleep. Yeah. Quite a lot of sift through there, Tina. Quite a lot to sift through in today's episode. We've got three banger questions for you and an extra one over on patreon.com forward slash Irishmanabroad. Come on over to hear the extra content.

But let's get to it. Question one. Hello, Tina and Jarlath. I have two twin boys. they are funny and adorable i love that people preface their questions with how awesome their kids are before they tell us the crazy things i do love them i love my children i love my kids but what you're about to hear don't judge them they are my world but saying that here we. I cannot bring them out of the house. They are both runners.

Oh. Oh, no. Twins. And you've experienced with this. It's a nightmare. No amount of evening wine can take the edge off my stress levels. And you are entitled to that wine by law. Mommy juice.

They are four. Is that too old for leads? Straight away'm like no no get it get those four years they are at their worst in the shops in the supermarket stealing it's a trousering goods i love it trashing okay i love that just drag the hand along the shelves i want a video of these kids uh playing hide and seek oh yeah this is lovely because to them this is a game this is a wonderful game of hide and seek i have yet to leave the supermarket without crying okay less funny i mean if you're in that position like we've all had that where you're like i just well you've cried in ikea like we've all had that where you're like, I just. Well, you've cried in Ikea a few times.

Yeah. And that was before we had kids. Yeah, it was before we had kids. Waiting till my partner is home so I can shop alone doesn't always work. I need help. Please help me. P.S. Love the show.

And I appreciate the P.S. As always. Tina, where do you start with this? That's really tough. Well, first of all, four-year-olds are, it's a really common age for thievery, stealing, putting things in their pockets and not really understanding they're supposed to pay for it. I mean, I've told you already before

that sometimes at the end of school, we'd have to pat them down or get them to pat themselves down because they always want to take the tiny bit at the top of the pink tower. And the, you know, and little tiny bits and pieces like.

We all remember you had your eye on something in the classroom like if I had the chance. I know and they don't seem to respect, you know, that that,

you know, they don't really, not they don't respect, they just don't understand yet. You can't just take things, you know. I'm glad the classroom is part of their house.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's another place that I always go. And yeah, so that is a problem. know that yeah you know but um oh my god yeah don't feel bad that's what i'm saying it's not like they're delinquents they're just doing something really normal two will pass right yeah and of course you have to tell them they can't just take things but don't worry that they're just awful children it's really common um four-year-old twin boys who run i mean that is a nightmare i don't think i'd leave the house myself if i had four-year-olds

egging each other on egging each other on and we've seen it so much where we lived in st albans because most mommies had left it a little bit later to have kids they most of them had had ivf and which produced either twins or triplets i mean st albans twins and a triple two twins st albans is full of twins yeah like like literally there's classes with like four or five yeah so we saw a lot of twin twin bad behavior a lot of egging them on yeah terrible duos yeah and who's the dominant twin and, you know, everything. So this poor mom, I feel so awful for her. But like the running that is so serious because you cannot trust them until they know to hold your hand and stay with you.

So what I would suggest to her is she's asked about the leads, but definitely, definitely. They're old enough to be embarrassed by those. So they will not want to wear them. And all you have to say to them is, you either stay beside me when we're out. You don't have to hold my hand. They might think they're big lads. But you stay beside me or you're wearing this. Now, the problem with twins is that they work it out really quickly. That she can't hold us both at the same time.

So it is tough. But she's just going to have to. As in she can't hold us both at the same time so it is tough but she's just gonna as in she can't hold the leaves at the same time no as in when she goes to put them on them oh all right one of them will run away so while they're asleep at night put the harness on and then what she might need to do is not a harness actually the the brace the hand lead yeah right see i didn't even know such a thing existed yeah they do and it's a little bit harder to control a set of handcuffs yeah it's a little bit harder to control obviously because you know they can run off and they're a bit more in control of it themselves but something is better than nothing like obviously the ground rule should be enough

but they're runners and they're getting a real kick out of it so she needs to bring them back and be like first of all they need lots of warnings before they go anywhere of what they're not allowed to do and what is expected of them and then for the first little while they need to be told that if you do what you're told and you stay with mommy and there's no running i will give you a treat at the end of it and do you need to specify what the treat is depends on the kid but maybe yeah maybe have it something a lollipop that they really want lollipops are also great too because it distracts them and the walk home won't be as tough i'm always asking tina for clarification yeah that's a good treat and what's too much of a punishment yeah remember early episodes of this you were like don't say no tv for the evening because that means no tv for you yeah yeah like god success achievable consequences that don't destroy the whole don't have an impact

on the whole family yeah so i would say that and i would say to tell them that if you don't listen and you run you're wearing your lead and then you can also say to them and the next time we go anywhere you're going to have to wear your lead leaving the house because the problem she's going to have is getting them into the leads when she's out in public so she's going to have to be ready for the consequence to be next time you won't have a choice next time i'm going to put you in them when we're going it's a very tough question is it not yeah but the shopping ones are that's so bad this is what i was going to get to now is like when they're you know trousering things trashing the shop pulling stuff off the shelves they are doing it would you not agree because it's number one great crack i mean

sometimes i want to go in shops and pull all the stuff out there's so much fun could you imagine and they're just making i do that anyway they're just they're just making each other laugh like they're having it's gas yeah like you have produced two people who really enjoy each other's company you know it's so dope and they know this really stresses mommy out and isn't it so funny to laugh at mommy when she's stressed out yeah she's putting all the stuff back on the shelf in the meantime we're on the next shelf that's like that is a point where and it is so funny that by me that i are our sponsor because i was gonna say it's a good point is this not an argument for getting your groceries delivered or certainly the big shop yeah i think so i think that's a really good idea sorry that's a brilliant idea because i think what she could do is they obviously

like the trip to the grocery store so what she could do is she could do a few online grocery shops and then tell them they're not going to the grocery store at the moment because you can't trust them in the shop they've been doing things you're not supposed to the grocery store at the moment because you can't trust them in the shop. They've been doing things they're not supposed to do. And that you have to show mummy that I can trust you again. And then maybe we can go to the shops together. And then she can take the stress out of the big shop by doing it online. I mean, I hate grocery shopping.

I won't do it. Mikey's 12 now. I really do. And I'm like, no, no way. No way am I going. In fact, when we were recording this, I was like, what? The first thing I said was, what time is it?

Because our grocery shop is coming soon. But that's a brilliant idea, Dara. Do you need to, if you're going to go that way, right? Because we've identified that they think the chefs are great guests. Yeah, they like it. They're having too much fun there.

My heart goes out to this mom because I find going to the supermarket for that big trolley shop one of the most depressing things. It's always just such hard labor, especially once you've done an online shop. So here's my pitch, right? Maybe it's because I'm, you know, theatrical, dramatic man. Do you go to the shop with them as normal? Give them the warnings right and when they kick off

take them back out to the car leave the trolley in the aisle bring them back to the car and go we're not going to supermarket anymore you guys have blown it i'm going to do shopping online until you can prove to me that you can be trusted in the supermarket just for the drama because saying to a kid in a playroom we're not going to the shops i don't hate that idea i don't hate it i don't think i want i don't think it's ever good to do like absolute definites like we're not going to supermarket anymore but i don't i don't hate that idea that might be nice and that's mommy having a chance to have a bit of fun exactly you know but i bet you that day they won't misbehave the one

day she needs them to yeah but this is the thing if they can get two days in a row of not misbehaving you go well we're not going back to shops if they don't but like i just think that if you go into a room full of duplo kids having a blast and going by the way boys i've ordered the shopping online with buyme.ie they're like so yeah true when are the when are the biscuits coming well i know what puts people off is like they think like for me at the start because the pandemic was when i got real into grocery shopping it was um you think if you don't walk down the aisle you can't remember what you need and that is a thing but you get better at doing it but yeah i love that i love that you

bring them in let them make a show of you get them out and then you actually have in your back pocket the groceries are still coming your week's going to be okay could you enlist you know but you're always like get the teachers involved could you enlist the store manager to throw you i gave you too many compliments you too i gave you too many compliments got us thrown out of the supermarket guys now we're not allowed but what was the other thing she said the runners the supermarket was there something in the shelves oh yeah that is terrible i mean one thing we're not talking about here and this is the this But what was the other thing she said? The runners, the supermarket. Was there something else? The trash in the shelves. Oh, yeah, that is terrible.

I mean, one thing we're not talking about here, and this is my tie-in with this, because we may as well take this in, because we definitely had an email that we were told, please don't read out. Yeah. By someone who was having, their kid was having the tantrum in the aisle when it was like their good kid,

but once they didn't get when they asked for the thing yeah they were like just classic lying on the floor yeah um obviously ordering online ideally with buyme.ie is is the is the way to go there if that's your scenario but what do you do if your kid's having a tantrum in the aisle like what is your advice to that person if them going i want these harry bow and you going we're not having that oh i just think write it out like you just wait you don't give it any response you let that kid make a holy show of themselves and you do not you do not do anything you just stand there and wait really

yep and when they're finished because they'll get really conscious of everyone looking at them and they stand up you say nothing about it nothing about it continue at your shop because the last thing you want is another tantrum and then when you get them home you sit them down you tell them that was unacceptable behavior in the supermarket today whoa okay and because. And because you did that, this is what is happening. This is the consequence if you were bad behavior and you come up with something. They need a punishment. They need to know what happened was not okay. But in the supermarket, you got to think about how can I manage this?

How can I manage? What? I just find that advice like amazing. Right. First of all, there's someone listening to this now yeah who is what you advise that parent to do this i didn't know that that's what you said to them but the strength that it takes oh yeah because somebody will come up to you trying to mortify you yeah and someone is gonna come up and be like can you not see your child on the ground ignore them too ignore them

do not care your child is gonna get embarrassed people watching him he's going to stand up don't say a word then i'll meet your shop get them to help distract them act like it didn't even matter and when you get them home you tell them that was fucking bullshit but you don't use the word fucking bullshit you just look at them and you say that was not okay what you did to me in the store that is unacceptable behavior and this is your consequence now you no family movie tonight or something i don't know tina spot on that's our supermarket visit for the week yeah shout out one last time no no we can't do it again the proud sponsor of honey you're ruining our kid

hi tina and jar bear in mind everybody first time reading this email so i never read the emails before we come on because i just think it keeps it fresh and you're lazy yes no you're not lazy you're too busy two two very similar things love the podcast i'm actually a ma'am who is coming back to you for advice a second time always welcome return business before i get into it though i just want to say jarleth i know you always say tina is the brains of the operation hello i smell a compliment coming and maybe that's true. I like that. Maybe that's true. She's not convinced. But for me, but for me, here we go. You keep it real. Oh, yes.

You say what I'm thinking most of the time, maybe most parents. And help me to remember that I'm not the only one just muddling through this parenting adventure. Love your honesty and the fact that you're not afraid to say what we're all thinking. Keeping it real it's what i love about the podcast as well as the excellent advice of course from tina well this lady is already my new favorite emailer if people knew him would you love compliment yeah there's been people you haven't gotten along with and then they'll say say something nice and you're like i like that guy yeah well people reluctant to say nice things so do that for somebody in your life today who you think is doing something good just let them know so my issue is

with my three-year-old son this woman says and his tantrums more tantrums sorry we've all got excited there yeah this is a tantrum episode brilliant i'll throw a tantrum at the end of the show in solidarity with these kids he only just turned three this weekend but the last year has been full of tantrums i have a five-year-old daughter and so i thought i knew what tantrums were until my little boy came along my daughter like any child has the odd tantrum my son on the other hand has at least 10 tantrums per day scroll back in the podcast there 10 seconds. Yes, she is saying her son has up to 10 tantrums a day. It's constant and a wearisome, excellent word.

He is grey crack and a very enjoyable kid to be around until something isn't to his liking and then all hell breaks loose whoa sometimes they're due to tiredness and hunger well great that she spotted that yeah like this could and a lot of the time i'm always telling parents when did they last eat because they're burning it up so fast i'm like you gotta shovel the food maybe this sandwich will help the thing that you think is the end of the world. But so many of them seem inexplicable. Okay. We try to be patient.

We get down to his level. We explain things to him firmly, but fairly. We make the eye contact that Tina's always talking about. But mostly when the tantrum begins, there ain't no it right for 20 to 30 minutes whoa holy crumbs he can scream cry kick punch and carry on like this for a long time you gotta respect the determination of that kid he's like that dog at the start of the show it is worrying though the main reasons for his tantrum okay here we get into it now okay this brilliant. She's given us some of the main reasons why this would kick off. This is great. The more you give, the better.

The more you write in these emails, yes, Tina can help a lot more. So the main reasons for his tantrums. He likes things full to the top. To tippy tippy top. Must be. Yeah, must be. So all cups of drink, bowls of cereal. If he wants an orange juice, he will not accept a half-filled cup.

He's not a glass half-full man. He's a fill-it-to-the-top, fill-it-to-the-top bitch. Maximum. Live life to the max. This slide's going to get on well in bars. Put a little bit more in there. He wants it to be the brim. Wow. So you bit more in there. He wants it to beat the brim. Wow.

So you were right. It's the tip top to the brim. Spillage potential. So let's just sip the top of it. No amount of explaining that it's too much will appease him. And he just starts roaring and screaming. I mean, I always go back to the Dylan Moran bit. The kids are just like tiny drunks.

That glass is not for. mooring bit that kids are just like tiny drunks this poor woman now that is a lot to be dealing with how many times are you poor i mean she's got another kid oh my lord we've gotten smaller cups excellent that's smart that's smart i'm tapping my kids are so lucky every week i say this yeah people who write right in are incredible parents. We've got in smaller cups, so we're not giving him too much milk or juice as he inevitably won't drink it all.

But even then, if he spills it, which a full cup always does, he goes into a rage. He needs a straw. Oh, man. She's up a straw now.

Right, there's the first tip. If you give him a few crisps in a bowl or a few sweets slash chocolate he screams for more full to the top that's how he likes it fill it to the top oh my god take this bowl away so it's hard to regulate his treats he always wants more of everything if you give him two crackers on a plate he wants more if you give him four he wants more if you give him a biscuit after lunch this guy sounds like elon musk just like oh my god well he definitely sounds a lot he's high maintenance okay next reason for these okay he also gets into a rage with broken food oh lord well that's very that's very common yeah a

banana that's not fully whole. A cracker that broke. A biscuit that has a small blemish in it. He immediately flings it on the ground. I threw it on the ground. He throws it on the ground and goes off the handle. Someone has a toy he wants. He'll try to grab it. If they fight back, he can't get it.

He'll hit them, them fling himself on the ground off we go into a tent he's three he wants things to be a certain way don't we all i empathize with this kid i want things to be a certain way but lord the world won't bend to my will for example his dad got him a cracker and cheese last week i really want crackers and cheese now just after hearing that his dad got him a cracker and cheese last week. The cheese was the wrong cheese. He sounds like Mick Jagger. No, it's the wrong cheese, mate.

Get this cheese out of here. So I stood up, got the right cheese and brought it to the table. Freaks out. Screams at me to put it back. Daddy had to do it. Oh, wow. Insane. screamed at me to put it back daddy had to do it oh wow insane till i put the cheese back sat down then daddy had to get up get the cheese and fix it this happens regularly he wants a certain person to do things for him before we go any further hats off to this emailer

for opening up big in this way but also being very understanding and patient with her job very patient like yeah hats off to you because i will tell you you are not the only one dealing with these behaviors no we are getting these emails and a lot of time people are going please don't read this out yeah but this woman is courageous enough to send it unless it's at the end yeah too late okay this is the other thing that kicks him off being told no right upsetting for a lot of children i know but say he asks for crisps or a treat at 9 a.m in the morning and i say not right now we can have that later spiral into a tantrum okay last week he wanted to go down the up escalator oh my lord haven't we all dreamt of doing it in the shopping center we tried explaining to him it was only for coming

up and to go down we had to go to the next one those uh health and safety escalator videos safety escalator videos that people have described bum get ripped off oh my god oh my god please don't say that no tina that was a child's bum okay so you want to damage him for the rest of his life yeah prove a point about escalators full-blown tantrum started kicking my husband screaming you can barely hold him when he's like this strength of 10 tigers these kids my husband who is a big man really struggled that day and he felt he was hurting him when he had to restrain him it's very tough it's very tough he was hitting my husband in the head he was hitting his head off the ground so we had to intervene that particular tantrum lasted 50 minutes so in the first question tina you said

you have to stand back and let him get through it yeah and say nothing oh yeah we'll see this woman's introducing a 50 minute tantrum are you still i will find out hold up there's an escalator there so of course they have to do what they their instinct is because they've got to keep him safe oh whoa gets worse i am seven months pregnant oh no the poor lady oh i mean you talk about salt in the wound because so understanding when she's obviously exhausted so she says i'm finding this physical the physical aspect of this hard now he is difficult to lift now when i have to remove him from a situation to protect him from himself or others, we can deal with some of the tantrums okay. We give him the space.

We tell him we're here for him when he's ready to calm down. Try not to shout. Not always successful. Who is? Especially when we're trying to get somewhere or it's the end of the day of tantrums. But when we're trying to leave the house or we're in a shop or need to be somewhere, we just don't have 30 minutes to devote to this. Of course. He is an excellent talker.

So the issue is not being able to communicate. I don't think that's it. She says his speech is well ahead of most of his peers. That is great because that will help. This is going to be the trump card in this, isn't it? When he calms down, he always looks for the hug. That's when everyone

cries. That's good too. Which we are there waiting for. He always seems remorseful and says sorry without being prompted. Without being prompted, that's good.

But it could be 10 minutes later that something else irritates him or even the same thing sets him off again. And it's straight into another tantrum. God love this woman. Often we can see it coming and try to avoid it. You might give him a green plate and he'll get very angry and start crying for a red plate. I'll see what's coming and swiftly switch the food onto the red plate to avoid the meltdown this drives some people like my parents

that's the last thing this person is mad and they say we are pandering to him yeah well i'd like to see how you cope that's what i always feel like saying to the grandparents. I'm always reminded of exactly how many wooden spoons were used in those houses. Yeah. Anyway, sometimes we are, but we've, we are pandering to them, but we've been through this 10 of these tantrums already that day. And we're just tired of fighting. So we can avoid another one by just getting there with the red plate before the green plate. There are other times we have to hold firm and deal with the red plate before the green plate there are other

times we have to hold firm and deal with the tantrum like the escalator incident well that's safety so i agree we pick our battles he is in a montessori a few mornings a week and they have had one or two instances of tantrums but not too many right because that's what i'm thinking the whole time how does he manage outside of the home? This is really good news. This is great. He will be in that Montessori full time from September. I'm looking for advice on what we should do or how we can address this. I'm sure it's a power struggle, but it's exhausting. He's so much fun otherwise, but it can just flip in an instant

and ruin so many activities and days yeah yeah yeah no this is this is this is extreme behavior and there's a safety issue here for mom as well with her bump and the baby if he's hitting out okay so how do we help this lady well the fact that little bit at the end has just made me so excited he's in montessori he's only had one or two tantrums the whole time what does that scream he knows the rules there he knows the rules but what do we know about montessori where what are they promoting in the classroom order independence independence so let's give him that at home when like she says he he will freak out about the crackers and stuff pop a plate with the

stuff in the middle of the table and tell him to go get his plate and freak out about the crackers and stuff pop a plate with the stuff in the middle of the table and tell him to go get his plate and fill it with the crackers take take anything out that's going to set him off you don't need to fill his glass you don't need to do that he can fill it himself fill a jug leave the glass out let him do these things himself he is he is dying to be independent he just doesn't know how to articulate it he's getting that at Montessori that's in Montessori I'm Montessori teacher we don't do anything for the kids it's all about pushing them to do it for themselves amazing so then I have to jump in there because I had no idea what you were going to come in. I had no idea. But it does feel like you're short circuiting the whole.

Well, I hope so, because what do we know about two and three year olds? Their sense of order is so high. And yeah, we can try and understand it. We can try and think about how the world needs to make sense to them. Everything needs to be in a place. It's like at that age, they've got extreme OCD and they don't know why. Like they really need things to make sense. They need you to be wearing your coat.

They need things in places. And it's a real need they feel in themselves. And some children can cope. This child can't. He cannot cope. It's a general phase? Yeah, like we talk about it. We call them sensitive periods in Montessori.

And there's a sensitive period for order. For order. Between the ages of two and a half to around five. They just need everything to make sense. And it's why the Montessori materials are brilliant for them. Because everything does make sense. There's a control of error in every activity they do. Isn't it messed up?

Because it's like, as you say it, we can all remember or know one of these sensitive periods or we've seen a kid in one of these sensitive periods and you've looked at a kid in a restaurant and maybe you've made the judgment where you're like, little bollocks. Yeah, but really. I want a fork on the left hand side. Yeah.

And this is all it is. Yeah. And sometimes like a coat on the back of a chair can make a child that age go bananas because they're like why would the coat be on the like just go on the world does not make sense to them at all but like grand it's grand knowing that but seeing it exactly with a child whose feelings are too big about it is very tough so that's when the power give them the power of it's a like a controlled power you're in charge they just think they're in charge so you've laid out all the stuff they think they're going to choose their own plate and fill it you're giving them a controlled

feeling of that and correct me if i'm wrong in assuming this they're gonna love it oh yeah well he's obviously loving it because that is what would be expected of him in school, in Montessori school. And he's coping very well with that. So that's a massive positive. Now, the tantrums, the hitting and stuff, that's really tough. Like, she's going to need to do a lot of work about feelings and anger. And when he's in those moments, she's going to need to do a lot of work about feelings and anger. And when he's in those moments, she's going to need to acknowledge what she's seeing.

I would definitely recommend using the de-escalation script that teachers would use in school. There's five movements in this. The first is to calmly say the child's name. Address them with their name so that they know you're seeing them as a person the second is acknowledge that you see that they are feeling something i can see you're feeling angry okay sometimes that's enough they'll be like yeah i am angry yeah finally this is okay okay say you say i'm here to help that's the third one fourth one is i'm here to

listen when you're ready to talk and then when they've talked the fifth movement is bring them away and distract them with a different activity just change pivot out of it and then later you can address it again you need to make this escalation script available to you but this isn't that's not my idea yeah it's just something that we practice yeah we'll link it in the info yeah and it really works it really helps i've seen it help i've seen just even the name and acknowledging their feelings and that it's okay to feel that way that's enough to for the child to be like oh okay it's not so bad but obviously this child is in the habit of having massive meltdowns so this is going to take a lot of work yeah they're going to need to really work

on the feelings of talking about feelings throughout the day talking about anger talking about how does your feelings affect the rest of the family like in moments of calm having discussions about you know when you're angry and kicking what what do you think how do you think mommy is feeling we need to really build reflection here we need this child to become conscious of oh hang on a second when i'm doing this it's not just me that's being affected i'm hurting the family and they're in their own tornado yeah yeah like it's not your own tornado. Mommy and daddy are struggling now too. It's much more like a sea.

Yeah. Where your cannonball. Yeah. Also. Is having ripple effects on everyone. Talk about how you feel angry sometimes. And the baby in the tummy. Oh, I don't know.

I don't know with this kid if you bring that in. Because I don't know the way she's described it. Like you could be just offering up something else that gets kicked the next time he's angry i mean the effects on the baby oh god no no jesus that's way too much for a three-year-old to manage sorry that was my boot against me one good suggestion in this episode but i do think i feel for this mom and i'm not just trying to keep it real here but i think that sometimes when you've got other parents in a similar situation, that it will really help you just to talk to someone else as well. I definitely think she should be going to the Montessori a bit more. Like, it's an amazing place.

If you have your child in a Montessori that's practicing the Montessori method, those directresses, those teachers are there to help you. And if you go into them and explain the tantrums and the meltdowns, they're going to go out of their way to be more socially aware in the classroom that way and to do lessons like that and teach them and talk about feelings. They are such a massive tool for you. Let's face it, if your child's in Montessori, you are paying so much money money you deserve a little bit of extra help so i mean i hope we've helped um oh there's absolutely no doubt about it i'm sure we're going to talk more about tantrums on another episode promoting more talk about feelings getting into the escalation script promoting reflection of how your behavior impacts everyone but also the what was the other thing i said independence this child likes things in a certain way let him do it that way let him if you

got a problem with the crackers why don't you take the crackers out of the box not that way not like that you make the dinner we don't want him aware we don't want him aware there's the kettle we definitely don't want him aware of the process and then you get the opportunity to come in and be like oh you're such a big guy look at you yeah praise kids want it the moment he's searching out negative let's make it let's switch that up with the positive oh tina we got a doozy for you. Question number three. It's all about your favorite thing in the world.

Teeth. Biting. Biting. Biting is my biz, but teeth I'm afraid of. Our niece is a biter. My kids, three boys are all afraid of her. They are under so much pressure to be gentle and kind with her. But she's allowed to do anything she wants.

That is a fair point. And I can imagine the injustice of that as a young fella. My boys are aged 10 and 16. She is 3. I think she should be told not to bite. Yeah. What advice could you give me to broach this with her mom whoa i love when it ventures into territory of do i say it like we had last week we had do i

invite this kid to the party if you need advice on do you say it i'm always so careful about this because i'm always worried about the friction it cold. But she's biting your kids, you've got to say it. When it comes to biting, biting is so bad and dangerous and fixable. Really easily fixable. So I think... It's embarrassing for the mom then. It's embarrassing for the mom that

she's allowing her child to bite. So let's deal with the first question. How do I broach this with the mom? How do you recommend she says it? Like she she's concerned that there's gonna be

it's an awkward conversation. It's so awkward. It's an awkward conversation. Well she could she could use one of her kids as the fall guy

and say that you know he There's no way she doesn't know. Yeah. And she could be like because the auntie's gonna love her nephew

and she can say something like he. And she could be like, because the auntie's going to love her nephew. And she can say something like, he's a little bit afraid because he doesn't know what to do when your daughter bites him. And then if she says biting, you can be like, oh, did you not know? Yeah, she's bitten him a few times. No? It's very tricky. My gut would be to go, they're such gas characters aren't they i mean i i lost it that's so hard yeah it's too hard i think what you might need to do is always honesty

honesty is just easier and just to say to her look I don't know if you've noticed, but I've noticed I've had three boys and one of them was a biter. Just pretend like you've been through this before. And then be like, so I read up a little bit on it and I can help you with the biting. No, Ger, you've got to. You've got to. You can't allow this kid to keep biting her. I know you're a really bad parent, so I've taken the opportunity to parent for you. For you could just leave How to Stop Your Kid Biting Leaflet

in our house. Oh, I found the book you left out for me. This question is too hard, me. How's about you come and talk to my face instead of investing in poxy little books off Amazon.

I know my kid bites. We are working on it. Okay, okay. Then let's come around a different way. Basically, we're agreeing she can't broach it. Unless it comes up organically, it's too hard. So then what can she do to help her boys? Well, she can teach them how to cope with bites.

And that is easy. When you're bitten, you never pull away. You push into the bite. The mouth opens, you're out. Good luck. What? Good luck. I remember David O'Doherty saying to me that when he was on a trip to Australia and they were out in the bush and a bush trialman was saying, if you get bitten, was saying if you get bitten

they're going to cling on to your leg and what you have to do is take a stick and bend it over your knee and then the creature thinks your leg is broken yeah

we were all told that and he's like well what human being in the world wouldn't just take the stick and beat the yolk over there true

no one when they're bitten by a kid, is going to have the wherewithal to push into the bite. Least of all a kid. Yeah, but you are. You will do that if you're told. If your mother goes through it a few times with you and prepares you for it. Bites are sore.

But I've had to do that in classrooms with children when I have a biter. You're not 10 or 16 years old. Yeah, but I've had to teach the children how to get out of the bite. Yeah, of course. It's so easy. You're not pushing. You're not 10 or 16 years old. Yeah, but I've had to teach the children how to get out of the bite. Oh, really? Yeah, of course. It's so easy. You're not pushing. You're not being aggressive. Literally, gently pushing into

the bite makes their jaw open. You get out fast. And what if they're biting you on the back? Yes, you just push into the bite. Bum it up. Bum up. Bum into it. Lie back on top of them. Crush them. Yeah. Just crush this through your mouth. Pushing into the bite. Bum it up. Bum up. Bum into it. Lie back on top of them. Crush them.

Yeah. Just crush this through. Pushing into the bite is the way to go. Okay, right. I think that we need to go back to how you broached it

because this is a wider subject. No, you can't. You can't. You went from this is no problem to forget it. Forget it. There's no point

talking to the other mom. It's a waste of time. Families are nightmares so good luck. So she's related to this of course the niece right. Yeah. So I would think that you could probably open up about

some problem you're having with your kid. Well sure I said that. Empathize with the thing. No but if you say you know what's happening in school. We had a bit of an issue. There was a bit of a bust up, a bit of a fight in the school. Now, it took me ages to get to the bottom of whether my Johnny was involved. But apparently some of them were giving each other Chinese burns.

They're like, some kids are just violent. And lure her out like a little bit of breadcrumbs. They're like, is there anything like that happening in the Montessori? And she'll go, well. No, she won't. She won't because moms of biters are defensive of their kids. What we can hope for here is that the child gets bitten again. In front of her.

In front of her. We can only hope. We can only hope. Any hope for here is that the child gets bitten again. In front of her. In front of her. We can only hope. We can only hope. Only hope for a biting incident. Yes. And then you can be like, we've got to do something about the biting. Charlie bit me.

You did. Charlie bit my finger. You did, Charlie. Make a million off that video. Yeah. Happy days. No, I'm serious. I've been thinking about it.

She can't just bring it up. You've just got to equip your kids with the wherewithal to lean into the bite. Lean into the bite. As much as you want to lean in with your fist. If you pull away,

it's going to be worse. Pull away, it's going to be worse. And also, tell your kids to say it to their aunties. Say, she bit me. She's after biting me. She's after biting me.

And then be like, oh, then tell her, oh, maybe she's got biting me and then be like oh don't tell her oh maybe she's got sensory issues in her mouth have you heard about this these kids need to be eating crunchier food they need sensory exercises in there she's still teething she's only three could you say go to if you were still on the line i'll bring it up could you say um you know that little eloise bit sean and what's gas is sean was a biter too i don't know well biters run in families so tricky it's so tricky families are hard there's just no two ways about it. If you think your family, if this person is going,

my family's tricky, welcome to the club. Hey, we all watch Prince Harry today. Poor Prince Harry. Everyone's family is tricky. Poor Prince Harry. And Tina's right. I think you might just want to avoid it.

Like you said, Tina, many episodes ago, if there's something happening in school you're better off to go through the authorities to go through the teacher than going to drop off and going

my son said your son yeah we're all lionesses we're all too protective of our own kids I am a lioness yeah

you know what I mean and we're all too readily there to like the worst when it comes to Mikey I'm like what you say about my kid

I will destroy you Tina does the three snaps oh ah no you didn't yeah that's true I feel like we've let this mom down

but not at all I think arm your kids with the knowledge you had to get out the bites tell them to complain out the bites. Tell them to complain about the biting. And if they bite your back,

just lie back on top of them. Yeah. And just crush that three-year-old. That's the end of this episode. Or is it? There is, of course, more to be found over on patreon.com

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