Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Ep 32 Street Angel, House Devil? The Clinger & Piss Artist!

Episode Date: May 22, 2023

Temper tantrums, clingy kids and toilet dodgers it’s all going down on this week's episode of Honey You’re Ruining Our Kid. What do you do when your child seems able to behave himself everywhere but at home? Many children save the emotional and often times destructive behaviour for the safety of their own houses. Street angel, house devil is a common phrase for a reason. Seeing your kid so angry that they are a danger to themselves and you can be very scary. Are our kids hurting us intentionally? Jarlath wonders why we have the little rascals in the first place. How do you interrupt this behaviour pattern and put an end to the head melting tantrums . Why are they acting out? Tina and Jarlath try to puzzle out what’s behind this behaviour and how they can help this mom get her boy to treat his family the way he treats his friends. Clinginess is the strangest behaviour to understand. What do you do with a kid who never listens and drives you crazy refusing to allow you to leave their sight! Also often times parents find themselves feeling jealous when it’s the other parent the child is pining for. But when the clinginess is out of control and the child is getting way too upset in your absence, what can you do? This week we tease out this question. Tina laughs about how important the "Owl Babies" book is in helping children understand that our parents always come back. She also reveals how she’s never been able to read this story all the way through without crying. Tina and Jarlath find it hard to agree on the final question. A mom is struggling to get her stepson to wee in the toilet. Jarlath comes up with a clever way of enticing the boy to aim with success, however Tina worries that maybe the stepmom is being too demanding of the young lad. Is wanting her home to be perfect getting in the way of their bonding time? Has any man ever successfully peed in the toilet? Is this just a pointless task and an utter waste of her energy? Jarlath thinks most men know what they are doing, Tina lives with Jarlath and absolutely disagrees. Please send in your questions and ideas to [e-mail] Have great week!

Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid with Jarleth and Tina. A Go Loud Parenting Podcast proudly sponsored by Buy Me. The only way to get done stores delivered to your door in as little as an hour. Shop the full range of grocery products handpicked by your Buy Me personal shopper. T's and Z's apply. It's Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, the parenting podcast. I say that every week. You know what you're getting into. Tina is here i am she's got the emails locked and loaded loads of emails this weekend yeah and i'm really behind because unfortunately we did have a um a relation

pass away and we were away because of that for a few days and um there's just so much going on very tough because you're also got all the chat about mortality then comes in we talked about that last week if you missed that on the show talking about if you know you're experiencing a loss having to talk to your kid about it and then talking about like mike talking about his funeral you're like god yeah it really did bring that question home to me because when you're discussing it and you're trying to draw up strategy for somebody else and then when you're faced with it yourself, you're like, I'm really not enjoying these questions. Yeah. You're trying to just bat them all away and answer them as quickly and as nicely as you can and be like, let's talk about something else now.

He said all kinds of mad stuff, but mad conversations happen at funerals and around funerals. Yeah. But mad conversations happen at funerals and around funerals. Yeah. And there's also an awful lot of relations that need hugs. And, you know, is our does your kid have to hug someone? We're going to talk about that in the juicy Patreon extra stuff. That's over on Patreon.com forward slash Irishmanabroad, where we answer a couple of extra questions each week. Dig into some replies that

tina's received from people she's previously advised it gets pretty personal over on patreon i really believe that that like in the irishmanabroad interviews i always felt that the juiciest stuff was at the end of the interview and everyone's nice and relaxed yeah true so that's where you want to go you get bonus episodes and all the rest of it. Proud sponsor, as always, is BuyMe.ie. Get yourself the BuyMe app. Yeah. Stick in the offer code HONEY10 and you'll get 10 quid off your first order. And you can thank us later for that.

Yeah, I have to say their app is, I'm really finding it really easy to use and I love it. Like I've posted about them before, but it was a real pain in the hole not being able to order groceries in Ireland where we live. And now it's amazing because I can do it and I don't have to wait a few days. Do you know who has the worst websites in all of Ireland? I don't think we're allowed to talk. Oh, hotels.

Hotels. I thought you were going to slag off another supermarket or something. No, no, we're not allowed to do that. But we all know who we would slag off another supermarket no no we're not allowed to do that but we all know who we would slag off if we could um so we're trying to book in bits and pieces you know i'm obviously on tour at the moment uh round and about the place so you're trying to find hotels hotels have decided you get one picture of the room and you can make your decision based on that picture it's a picture was taken in and you can make your decision based on that picture. It's a nightmare. The picture was taken in 1974. You can choose whether you want the room or not. Also, just getting hotels on the phone is the other thing.

Oh, my God. It's so hard. And you know what? You're right. We have, because you've been on tour, we've been, that's my stomach. We've been, you know, going around Ireland and staying in different hotels. The website experience is always a nightmare. Then the in-person experience has been amazing.

Like we stayed in, where were we in Cork? The Emmet Hotel in Clannachill to you. Oh, that was incredible. That's a boutique hotel now. Let's be clear. These are not fancy hotels. No. Emmet Hotel is a three-star hotel.

But it's very. That is now. A boutique. Just like, it's just that full experience where you're like, oh, we get all the charm and all the beauty and all the little touches. But it's still super cheap. Yeah. And then we went to the Imperial when you were playing the Everyman. Jarlet killed at the Everyman.

It was amazing. And also Cork just is fast becoming one of my favorite places. The Metropole Hotel, the hottest hotel in Cork. Literally. Yeah. Yeah. We sweated. I lost lost weight that night hot yoga in the bedroom but the reception you get in that hotel unbelievable nearly parked the car i'm not gonna name names but the last few days we had to stay in a hotel in mayo one of my favorite places and uh because my uncle passed away and the reception we got in the hotel that we go to a lot was absolutely disgusting the girl didn't look up no didn't look to say hello she was to say hello

then tina told her she said you've got folios of the of the lateral facilities and tina said well we're actually here for a funeral so we won't be doing that and she goes okay grand okay grand well it was just very weird first of all the not looking up i was like so we won't be doing that. And she goes, okay, grand. Okay, grand. Well, it was just very weird. First of all, the not looking up, I was like, that's just so weird.

She kept riding away and doing her own thing and left us waiting for a long time. Look, everyone's got stuff going on but this is your job. Yeah. And then, you know,

we had gone for the apartment because Charlotte still had to record and we know from saying in this hotel because we go to this hotel a lot because it's one of our favourite places to visit. Not we know from staying in this hotel, because we go to this hotel a lot, because it's one of our favorite places to visit.

Not the hotel, but the actual place. And we knew, okay, it's really hard for Charlotte to record in the room. So let's go from the apartments, which are bloody really expensive. And she treated us like we were shitty customers because we were staying in the apartments. Oh, I don't know if it was because of that.

I feel like it was. 99% of the time time correct me if i'm wrong listeners yeah people that you interact with in your life who are really really rude to you it's not about you oh yeah but that's not it's always about what's happening if you don't want to give a reception to people when they enter the hotel look you that's not what it is what's happening is some stuff's happening in her life but jardy you don't brought that i'm sorry you don't bring your shit to work with you you just don't i never you bring your shit to this podcast every week that's yeah that's what i'm doing right now but but i wish there was a happy ending here there isn't she got worse we went to the apartment there

is a happy ending we went to the apartment and uh i was like mikey get in the shower because he was a mess and it's freezing and i'm like mikey doesn't have a great record of figuring showers out it's like they're really and he's not super resilient when it comes to the cold yeah and i was like it couldn't be that bad and then i was like okay it is so then i had to ring the reception and she was all like well have you turned the boiler on and i was like why would i ever think there's a boiler in my room it's not 1965 yeah it's so strange yeah the happy ending is that mail is so small yeah that you were able to complain to her neighbors you were my auntie and uncle word got back word got back all right

hello tina and jarneth well done on the podcast i found it really helpful and have recommended to loads and loads of people please keep doing that you're our favorite we have no marketing budget you are our favorite you've got to recommend it to people that's the only way people know about this show yeah anyway didn't think i'd be writing to you about myself but my six and a half year old boy has in the last few months been having problems controlling his temper he is a lovely little boy i love this my favorite bit of every email before we get into the problem i'm having with my kid he's a great kid yeah and that's always understood he is a loveliest little boy most of the time and has always been emotional yes highs he has lows

recently he's been having temper tantrums where he could potentially hurt himself or others around him by throwing things and slamming doors it's like he can't hear or see during these episodes of red mist moments we know those so he's getting very angry yep he usually follows it with you're the worst mommy ever oh that's very tough you are the worst mommy ever that's a tough one to hear that is too tough and this is not a problem in school okay or at other social events well that's brilliant it's definitely a thing he saves for a home what a nice kid what a lucky this is especially gift for you mommy yeah i've tried being calm getting down to his level

trying to talk him down but nothing works so far it is happening regularly now and i'm struggling to deal with it and end up shouting at him look that's totally understandable yeah totally let's be honest raising your voice so especially the kid's gonna hurt himself well she's frustrated too because it's a change in behavior and she's like come on i'm being nice come on drop your bone here yeah it's really my dad passed away unexpectedly in the last week oh this poor lady oh my god after a short illness he had been unwell with about six months struggling with dementia so there's been a lot going on with myself at home which probably correlates with his outbursts well she's very wise because of course it does yeah i try to

talk to him afterwards and explain that we are all worried he could hurt himself or someone else if he does this and he seems to understand that but then it happens again yeah any tips would be greatly appreciated happy for you guys to use this on the podcast if you want. Thanks in advance. I mean, by the people who offer these things up and are like, you can use this on the podcast. There's so many people. You're getting so many emails around this very same subject. Yeah, I really am. But it's emotional control, isn't it?

Well, first, I just want to say I'm incredibly sorry for this lady's loss because, you know, that's so hard to lose a parent and I hope she's being kind to herself. Secondly, I think it screams of your attention was elsewhere for a while. And in those moments, what normal behavior wasn't really getting your attention because this is something we tend to do as parents. If our kids are quiet and being good and we have shit going on, we will just leave them to their own devices. So he starts acting out and all of a sudden he gets mommy's attention. He's doing stuff to harm himself and others and he gets your full attention in these moments.

Whereas any of the good behavior wasn't being acknowledged because you're too busy you're reminding your dad he was very very ill and then your dad passed and you didn't have the time so this kid unconscious it's unconsciously has realized when i am bold and i hate that word so sorry for using it but when i misbehave i get mommy's full attention and she looks at me and i'm there and this is always one of the main reasons kids act out they need to they just realize they need to dial it up yeah they want some time with their parents they want it and they don't care if you're screaming at them because all they want is you they just want your eye contact it's more about the eye contact

they and in those moments we tend to give a lot of eye contact we are really staring into their souls so he has formed a habit but all habits can be broken and i would suggest first of all this family has been through so much that they really need to come together and have a meeting about how it's affected everybody and how seeing granddad like that has affected everybody are you gonna cry you look like you're okay you're just so emotional sometimes i thought you were gonna cry there that's my resting emotional face sorry i didn't mean to tease you i wasn't desperate like this look the end of the day i was thinking about how none of us are give we're all preoccupied feel for this mom like i'm so preoccupied with stuff yeah we are the things that i would have normally done with our son because of that

busy things are yeah you wonder i was immediately wondering is that why he's doing that like we can all reflect and go oh yeah he's doing that a bit and he wasn't doing it when i was doing this with them oh yeah no no they will seek it like the hardest the best piece of advice but the hardest one to implement is to get down and give your kids eye contact when you see them doing something nice and tell them, this is amazing. I love this. But we don't do it because in those moments when they're quiet and they're doing something, we're like, brilliant, I can get on with my own stuff. Yeah. So they will seek out.

They will look for it. And when they figure out I get all this attention from this, they will keep doing it. So in fast on the good behavior. In fast on the good behavior. Ignore keep doing it so in fast on the good behavior in fast on the good behavior ignore the bad stuff in fast on the good behavior obviously she can't ignore this right now because he's hurting himself she's afraid he's gonna hurt others but a family meeting about and talk about everything because look what's probably happened here and she doesn't even realize it is she's assuming her six-year-old can't cope with the realities of what has happened to granddad and her dad and what's mommy's going through. But in assuming that he doesn't understand,

you're actually pushing him away. And you, whereas he can completely understand, actually on a whole other level that will help you. Children are incredibly philosophical. And just speaking about everything with him will help him feel safer. Because he will go to fear if he feels left out. And he will go to worry about, well, why doesn't mommy talk to me about what has happened? And granddad changed. He saw his granddad change. Like, you know.

So I think honesty. Big, honest conversation about the whole thing and how it's impacted. And how mommy is actually grieving. And needs her buddies to help and uh just a good chat like that then rules some ground rules yeah what he's doing is unacceptable yes he has to know that so that's just jumping in on that right like the rules being like that that's not gonna fly yeah right i know that that's where a lot of people listen to this but you just want to say absolutely not acceptable.

And, you know, sometimes he is just being a bollocks. No, but you have to offer him the respect. You have to come to him with respect and let him know that. Yeah, I was distracted there for a while because your granddad and my time was taken. But now I'm back and we need to sort this out. Let me be the person listening to this now who's going there was no death in our family yeah there was just he our kid has just decided that now when we play a board game and it's not going his way he's flipping it yeah which you did me tina did this as a kid

flip the board yeah um you know there's we've done a full episode on this i'm teaching your kid to play well and be a good participant winner and loser you're always shaming me but like listen you want to talk about temper i should stop being so honest with you i punched a hole in the wall in my room so you know i get that when i was doing that and i was that age i actually can i vivid vivid childhood memories i don't know why but some people do have really vivid memories of their childhood i really really really remember it in full technicolor and when i was freaking out or having my tantrums which i really did um i didn't feel listened to i didn't think i was it mattered my opinion mattered right and that might be if you're listening to this going yeah but he's just being

a little douchebag like i think that it's a lot of the time it's the youngest kid that does this or the the one that you think is OK. Yeah. The one that's you don't need to worry about him. Yeah. And like Tina saying, get down to his level. It is just code for hear him. Yes.

Yeah. Just let your child feel listened to. Definitely. Because when they're getting lighter, they're getting louder because they don't feel like you're listening to them it sounds like there's a kid outside our window banging on the ring going i want to be heard if you're picking up that ding ding ding there's a sign being put up outside our door but you know that's a metaphor for watch the signs your kid needs to be heard right so she needs to lay out the ground rules have the

family meeting and explain to the child that we are implementing some new rules in this house and there are going to be expected behaviors and talk about what he has been doing that is upsetting everyone not just him it's impacting upon the whole family and we're all going to come together to help change it and then you just lay out the whole when you do something that we don't like you will be giving given a warning right they as a family need to decide not him what that will be so the warning you come in with the warning and you say if you keep doing this there will be a consequence for your behavior so this is your warning if you say if you keep doing this there will be a consequence for your behavior so this is your warning if you continue you'll have a consequence and then they have to be ready to do that achievable consequence with him something that will make him sad that he

did the behavior and not want to do it again lock him in his room but not something that will ruin the whole family's day yes and then they have to be ready to go true with that consequence which is very scary at the start if your child is exhibiting actual physical aggressive behavior so you kind of it's a takeaway something it's uh yeah you won't have keep it small at the start for and for the rest of the evening yeah keep it small at the start. For the rest of the evening. Yeah, keep it small at the start because you want to be able to do it, but you don't want to destroy his world. You know, it doesn't have to be huge.

You know, just him knowing they follow true on their consequences is the message you want to get to him. So it doesn't have to be a big deal. It can just be like, I'm sorry, tonight after dinner, you're not getting dessert. Everyone else is getting dessert

and you won't get one. Oh my God. Oh, would that kill you? I wouldn't care about that. I mean, if you did, tonight after dinner, you're not getting dessert. Everyone else is getting dessert and you won't get one. Oh, my God. Oh, would that kill you? I wouldn't care about that. I mean, if you did that to me now, I'd throw a ten. Ten for ten. See, I wouldn't give a shit about that. I won't stoop full after dinner.

Like, for certain. I don't know, Tina. Like, I'm trying to agree, disagree. That's too big. My world would cave in. People listening won't know that Jarlett just put his head into his but like i just think that this is a perfect example of this mom will know what that consequence is yes of course if that was my parents and they took away my dessert that would be my world caving

in yeah it needs to be something that's not going to create a terrible outburst, but that will let... But that you'll feel lost. Yeah, you're laying the foundations for my parents mean what they say. And if your kid knows that you mean what they say, they will stop doing it. Right. And this is where you really got to get together with your partner, whoever he or she may be. Because, like as I've learned the hard way yeah well i have said to jarlett if tina's been raising two little boys one has a wallet and a car well i have said i've actually come heavy down with jarlett and i have said come the heavy is that the experience i have

said to jarlett look you're the weaker parent he knows. He knows that daddy just wants me to be happy. He knows that. You would literally do anything for Mikey. Yeah. You would. So would you. So, yeah, but I also want Mikey to be a complete human and happy in himself. So I'm aware that I need to set boundaries with him. And you are too.

You just find it. If he gets sad, you get sad. Like when he was a baby, when he cried, Jarlett would cry. Yeah, yeah. It felt like it was me crying. Jarlett couldn't. Yeah, you couldn't go. So I've said to Jarlett,

you need to go quiet and just let me deal with this because he knows daddy's easy. Yeah, but at the same time, there's still clarity that I'm with your mother all the way. That when he looks to me, that I go, no, your mom's, she's right. Yeah, we, you don't say your mom, you say this is what we think yeah this is what we think yeah um yeah like i'm not calling you a weak parent i'm just saying that you're you did say those words you're light touch but um

right well i think that i'd love to hear back from this person yeah she's gonna need more help because he's got physical behavior and this is not an easy fix. But I'm telling you, you just need to get clear with him that you're going to give him, don't tell him you're going to give him good attention. But what you have to practice is

coming in and appreciating things he's doing during the day and getting down to his level and giving eye contact. Ignore the bad behavior as much as you can, but also have the family meeting where you discuss everything that's happened with the daddy, the granddad and how we're all feeling about that and now we're actually getting on top of this behavior there are rules in this house now

okay this throws up another question i'm gonna come straight to it okay what about the you're the worst mommy ever oh Oh, I mean, this, Mama's asked this question, the last question about him shouting this at her. What, this is my own question. When your kid says something really hurtful to you. You say, thank you, and you don't give it anything. Thank you. Yeah, you go, thank you, and don't give it anything.

Mommy, you know, you're really in the worst mood when you're getting your period. Yeah. And it's making all of our lives really difficult. Oh, my God. Well, see, that's a triggering question for most females. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. They're like, your kids can think they can say anything.

She's like, Mommy, you know, you're really stingy. Stingy. Or, Mommy, you know that, like, you're only thinking about yourself there. Oh, my God. These are all red flags to me. But, like, this is also, we're veering into kind of teenage kids now where they're just deliberately hurtful to you. Yeah. That, like, this is my own question.

Mikey said to me, I told Mikey a story. Oh, God, am I allowed to say Mikey? He said, are the movie rights available to that? he said are the movie rights available to that in fairness the story was this fella's name was the crane and i thought it was because no jerry stop don't be he worked on cranes and it turned out it was because it's very long arms yeah and mikey was like are the movie rights available so sorry he was right yeah but i laughed it was funny i do stand by what i just said if they say something really hurtful to you either just ignore it completely or confuse them by saying thank you thanks for letting me know that's your advice absolutely your advice is that if your kid is in the habit of going

really low yeah that you don't say that's very hurtful um i would say later but not at the time not at the time no why because they're trying to hurt you they're they're they're when they're teenagers they're these kids why did we have these kids well they're trying to hurt you it's like the inmates are gonna try and reach through the bars they're gonna try and choke you i'm finding teenagers are just so tricky we're right we were around a lot of teenagers at the weekend and they're just all so tricky because they think they have it all figured out and you're like i don't even have it figured out i'm 41 you definitely don't have it figured out so stop acting like you have it all figured out it's really hard hard. But you won't ever get that through. No. I mean, even now, you have a blurred image of what you were when you were a teenager. When clearly you were an arse.

Oh, no, I wasn't an arse. No, you were. No way. You were. Look, that's exactly my point proven. I wasn't an arse because I was too sick to be an arse. You don't think that you were an arse. No, I was bedridden the whole time. you were the most sarcastic teenager by all accounts sarcasm like the lowest form of wit

i yeah i'm gonna do that like dude i'm not gonna i'm not gonna defend teenage me i'm my point is when you're advising that mom on not reacting in the moment i think that might be the hardest thing to do as a parent oh it is it is definitely the hardest thing to do and you need giving birth is easier than not reacting to some of the shit they're gonna say to you i don't think a man ever gets to say give birth i was deliberately trying to say a triggering thing yeah to see if you would react in the back. So I'm not going to be good at this. But, you know, my advice is to, you know, be like, say nothing or go, thanks.

Thanks. Good to know. And then later on, talk to them when they're in a nice place. Right. So this is fully. We need to have a section of the show where i just ask a question that isn't an email because i think i'm on something here that a lot of folks are having difficulty with where it's like you're telling your kid no you can't have a playstation 5 yeah and they're just going

you're ruining my life you know know, and we've all... That's... I think that reaction is easy. The hard reaction is when they go, okay, so I'm getting all my grades a grade at school. I do everything you tell me and you're still telling me

I can't have that. That's tough. That's tough. Because then you're dealing with, you know, a child who's worked out your, you know, how you work, how your fairness, you know. Yeah, they're out your you know how you work how your fairness you know yeah they're going after the equality and justice line and that like that is a thing i think we'll have

to come back to because really when they're pushing your buttons like that i mean you do have crazy thoughts yeah like we try to go to laughter. You helped me with that. Yeah. And we try and, but like, I mean, we're very lucky. I mean, so far, so good, cross our fingers and toes. No, not so far, so good. Now, there's, of course, there's moments where he says something deliberately designed. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Just to piss you off. That's typical. That's typical child. Yeah. Like, it's not so far, so good. They're all at it. Yeah. And not reacting.

I'm not sure that's the right answer. If he says something like, you know, Mommy, I really think I'm getting to know the real you. Okay, well, that would be really horrible to hear a child say. I know. But I'm just saying but you can do you are not in that moment go okay pause right there you not get to speak to your mother that way you were saying later on it okay it's it does all depend i mean if they're just if they're anger if they're angry and they're just shouting abuse at you, you're not going to reach them.

So better to ignore them then and come back later when they're calmer and talk to them. But if it's just they're being a little dick or a bit bitchy, you can be like, you don't get to talk to me like that and then ignore them. But you have to maintain the power because the minute you go to their level yeah you're in there you're a teenager again gotcha okay super answer let's get straight to the real question number two my daughter is three and is going through an incredibly clingy stage. She screams the place down if anyone else tries to do anything with her. My husband tries to help take over, but I end up doing everything because she's just too upset. She won't even let my husband pass her an ice cream.

It has to be mommy. When I'm not around, she's generally fine with everyone else and is happy for daddy to read her a story put her to bed but if i'm in the room she won't let people do anything for her except me any advice greatly appreciated oh that's really tough that is really tough exhausting for the mommy and exhausting for the little girl, let's be honest. Something has happened that they need to figure out. What do you mean? Well, a worry has creeped into her.

Anytime I've seen this, parents have come to me, it's very common, all of a sudden their child becomes really clingy. They don't know why, but the child has either seen something or watched something and now they're worrying that mommy's gone or mommy went away for a weekend and didn't prepare the child enough that mommy was going away for a few days is it possible that just she's been baking this kid up too much and that she's been doing everything for the kid and that she hasn't had the help that she needed all the way along and that it's always been kid on her hip well that is possible but you think there's an actual there's always a there's always a reason

for a child being clingy either that they you haven't most of the time like i see in nursery all the time the parents have not prepared their child enough for the events that are about to happen in their lives and we get clingy kids in who starting school because they get dropped off and they think they're abandoned they they have no idea that parents haven't said to them we're coming back very tough so i would suggest straight away that you go out and buy the book owl babies it's incredible and it just you read it on repeat owl babies owl babies do you remember it like it sounds like you're saying like an owl flat. Yeah.

Owled babies. Owled. Which actually is a great idea for a kid's book. That would be very cute. Owled babies. He's a baby, but he's 49 years. 49 is not that old. Owled babies is gorgeous.

They're actually twit-twoo owls. Yeah, because there's those three little owls and they wake up during the night and their mummy is gone. And every time you read this with children they every time it's like it's the first time because they're so in it because it's something they worry about all the time yeah yeah yeah and it's like well where is mommy you know and then mommy comes back at the end and she swoops down and they're all percy and they jump up and down on their twig and then the mommy explains to them mommy always comes back and saying to

your children mommy always comes back daddy always comes back is actually really important thing to tell them because they don't presume that when you drop them off they they they don't presume that they are little worriers who worry in their own way so i would definitely encourage this mom to start the dialogue straight away of over prepare your child for wherever you're going always tell your child of course mommy will come back aid that with the owl baby book which i love but tina it sounds like that's not the problem how do you know it does sound like that that's a problem well the email says that when i'm gone she's fine but that's every child but that that's different

because what you're describing is the kid goes bananas when mommy's gone terrified that she's not coming back but the kid is fine when mommy's gone it's just well then i'm not explaining myself right because that is very normal the kid will always cope when their mom's not around we know that but it's then when the mommy's back, they don't want her not being around to happen again. So they'll be really clingy and not let her out of her sight. They are coping. They're just not enjoying it because they're like,

well, maybe if I don't let her leave me, she won't get to go. So it is about conversation. What do you mean about the ice cream? Well, daddy can't even hand her an ice cream. When mommy's there. Yeah, well, that. How do you do that? It is.

I feel like it's just more about there needs to be more dialogue with this child. There needs to be more like, do you want an ice cream? Yes. Well, then daddy's giving you the ice cream. Right. No, I want it from mommy. Do you want the ice cream? no i want it from mommy do you want the ice cream daddy's giving it to you and if you don't if you're not going to take it from daddy

daddy's going to put the ice cream back she can't just be demanding like that tina do this like some of the things you say on the show i'm like yeah i watched you do that one uh where kids being unreasonable yeah you do tina you're you talk to kids way more than I've ever seen anyone talk to kids and I always think about I was in the office and I was trying to write and like he couldn't talk. He was still in the pram and all I heard was. The jibber jabber, is the right yeah of you talking to him non-stop yeah right mikey we're gonna go in here now when he was in the pram and i was like oh my

god but he could talk because he could gesture like people forget children can always communicate sure but look you know who blows my mind every day? Brian Dowling. And I don't know his partner's name. I feel bad now. But they have a little girl, right? Their baby. That child is thriving. I watch the videos. I'm completely addicted to watching the videos because what they're showing is a social experiment of if you give your child loads of attention and loads of dialogue and you're talking to your child constantly.

Their child is like flying it because they never stop talking to their child. And I really want to meet them and say, you guys are killing it as parents. This is worth watching. I've watched these videos. Because I make them. I'm like, look at the baby now. I'll be driving and one of these videos will appear in front of my eyes but they don't even know what that what what they're doing is their their baby's brain is developing so fast because they never ever ever stop talking to their job so we don't tend to go uh like you've

the now and next thing has been you know kind of the center of these episodes yeah now and next you're right good for reminding me about that but like you it's that kind of approach they're well able to understand that yeah you what you don't want to happen to your child especially when they're three is for them to be out of control on power like you know completely drunk on power yeah and this child is drunk on power doesn't mean to be but they know that they can control mommy while mommy's here if i scream a lot but you just have to take the time to be like you know he's giving you an ice cream now yeah then i'll be taking you outside mommy is here daddy and mommy actually has to feed the dialogue of isn't daddy great daddy's amazing because this kid actually needs reassurance about

all this stuff when daddy's here isn't it so much fun i love having daddy here daddy's gonna go get you the ice cream all this stuff matters like it aren't isn't this place great i love coming here i love to hear when you're here without me next time you go with daddy will you tell me all about it like all this stuff matters all of it matters but i agree it's really hard and when you're in those moments and you're exhausted like this is a tired mommy but like it's just about more conversation more telling the child more stuff this is happening now yeah and it's also about patience and not hurrying like you say like if a child ever pulls that stuff on me like shoes is a good one refusing to put your shoes on and then you just sit down with the child and you say things like, do you want to go outside? Yeah.

Then you need to put your shoes on. And then just waiting. And then the child will sit there or get up and you'll go, where are you going? And they'll go outside. Oh, you want to go outside? Then you need to put your shoes on. And it's just waiting for them to realize, okay, I'm not actually going to get to do anything until I do what I'm told. And when they do it, you go, I'm so happy going to get to do anything until I do what I'm told and when they do it

you go I'm so happy you put your shoes on let's go woohoo you don't go how dare you waste my time like that

you just take the win celebrate it and next time you won't hopefully have the battle I have an 8-year-old stepson who stays with us every other weekend. His mother lets him do whatever he wants. But when he's with us, he has chores and rules to follow, which works pretty good.

I'm not sure if I expect too much from an eight-year-old, but he keeps missing the bowl when he pisses all over the toilet seat and on the floor. Like every man ever. Not every man. We just moved into a house where he has his own bathroom for which he is responsible. That's cool. Responsibilities. I don't expect him to scrub the toilet or mop the floor,

but I expect him to clean up after himself and not leave a mess. How do I get to him? How do I get him to A, aim in the toilet, B, clean up if he misses? Telling him to sit down doesn't work because we can't follow him into the bathroom every single time and he doesn't get pocket money so we can't take that away from we've tried it with snacks before he simply is willing to settle for less he's like fine i guess less snacks for me any tips would be greatly appreciated first thoughts tina well first thoughts are um i always worry when it's a

stepchild because i'm aware that they don't get to go to this house that often yeah and you don't want it to be somewhere they don't want to go because having that relationship with his dad and his stepmom is super important and he needs to feel welcome yeah in boat houses i get it's very frustrating for this stepmom she's saying he gets to do whatever they want he wants at home but she doesn't know that for sure but even if it's less even if it's less that yeah there's always going to be one place with less rules and i i absolutely agree there should be boundaries and there should be rules but you got to be careful are you putting too many demands on this kid of course the toileting thing just for me of course that we should be going in the toilet she is being that is super frustrating yeah and what can we do

i think you have a cool idea about what boys can do yeah well i think there's two things going on here right one is that it would seem that it's the exception rather than the rule that boys and men, we all over the place and don't give two shits about it. I've been in so many men's toilets all over the globe, and it is not a priority for the majority of men to not leave a mess. Now, what you're trying to do is absolutely disgusting. And I'm glad that I'm in the minority. But what you're trying to do, and this is the centre of our show, is you're going, holy shit, is this who I'm raising?

Is this who my child is? Of course. Oh my God, is my child. But it's the same on all of these questions that we get where people are like, he snatches things from my hand. Yeah. You know, he doesn't say please and thank you.

He is calling me a horrible mummy. Yeah. As my child, a lost cause. Yeah. And you're panicking. Yes. Right, you're panicking. Also, this lady likes her house to be very tidy and clean.

So this would be very annoying. Sure. Right. Get on to Amazon.co.uk right away. I have no idea how I know that these things exist, but they do. They are stickers that you put into your toilet with a target on it. That's actually, that's a brilliant idea, Jared. And it's a big business.

You can get Donald Trump once. But that's a brilliant idea because you're asking him to become conscious and you're not coming the heavy yeah you're saying here's some fun yeah so drop it drop asking him to do it i'd say yeah and just go and install this and just put the sticker in it's like you're being fun in his room and let's see how that goes and let's hear back how that goes i think outside go ahead sorry i like that idea because what you're what you're doing unconsciously is the child is thinking about when they're weeing where they're weeing yeah and they're also noticing something that maybe they're just not noticing earlier that they'll see the wee go out and they'll go oh

shit i better clean that up like honestly i think grown men can do with these targets as well. Remember we were at that restaurant a few weeks ago and you went to the toilet and you came back and you were like, none of the men in the toilet washed their hands after weeing. And I was like, what? I'm like, this is a fancy restaurant. It's like, when are they going to learn? That's the number one reason everyone forgets this. COVID spread so fast in the first place.

I thought it was airborne. Men not washing their hands. Number one reason looked at the windows she said that's it look the chores thing tina you've a really good point here because we've had this on the show before and there's an episode that where a mom a stepmom was trying to put the kids to sleep but in the other house they put them to sleep using ipads and phones so she was total bad guy for saying in this house we don't use phones to go to sleep because that's crazy yeah and also so just not good for their health but like you're expressing a concern over is it too much to have chores for an eight-year-old? When I just think, no,

I think that this mom does sound reasonable. She probably is house proud in her new place. But at the same time, I regret not giving Mikey more chores all the time. I'm not saying he can't have chores. I'm saying be careful. If this child's only in your house twice a month be careful that you're not getting too distracted well you're also good

at making the chores fun yeah like kids actually do enjoy jobs yeah yeah so maybe that's the steer that you could give her how does she make the chores if the chores are becoming a bone of contention yeah how do you make them contributory things that the kid is like i'm a big guy i'm really helping out around eight year old it's still a great age they're still very babyish and lovely and childlike well i have to say i have a little bit of a worry in just that you know he he's getting punished for missing the ball like we have to be careful to stand back and think look i don't like generalizing about boys but sometimes boys are a little bit laissez-faire about stuff and maybe just don't notice stuff that a girl would and i really don't like those generalizations but you know i've seen it a lot and there's every chance he's just not

seeing what you're seeing so this target thing you're saying is great. But the idea that you would insist that he sits down on the toilet. I mean, he's eight years old. He's got a penis. Yeah, but she said she's not doing that. Yeah, but she says she's not doing it because she can't follow him in. But like I said, there's two things going on here. You basically want this young lad to take some pride yeah of course that's it yeah and and we

all want that we all want that but just be careful how you're going about it because you shouldn't really be punishing kids for like if you're punishing them for missing the wee going in the toilet what else where where does it stop we've had a big week here in the regan house around principles and it's the principle of the thing yeah and i think that that's where the issue is with this mom it's like you come to my house once in a while yeah i roll out the red carpet for you we have what how do you repay me by pissing all over my new bathroom yeah and then being an arse about i know we're super super careful never to be judgy but i do get an air of and we've given you your own bathroom and you're still

we all do that where you're like yeah i had no idea how hard I worked for this house. Yeah, yeah. Look, we all do it. And you're talking to an eight-year-old who is probably enjoying the hose that is attached to his body. Yeah, you're also talking to an eight-year-old who has had his parents separate and has now got three parental roles. No, I don't think the target is the silver bullet for all of the problems. three parental goals I don't think the target is the silver bullet

for all of the problems yeah but I do think that it is like a Tina solution in that you're harnessing some element of fun

yeah in the thing and you're near it's nearly a redirect isn't it yes that you're going

well you're giving him forget about this just there's your target hit it yeah and you're giving him the opportunity

to notice oh shit my wee wee came out I better clean that up that's gross you're giving him the opportunity for it to come from him and look

that's what we want from our kids I bloody love if our little lad would stuff would come from him a bit more I'm forever saying

Mikey I don't want to micromanage you this is not fun for me I don't like micromanaging you i know i hear that every minute but look every minute to finish this one out are you happy with my target practice no what you're a terrible you're a terrible person mine is mainly splashback like i can't help that you can't wipe it incredibly powerful hose i just don't know What happens In

Massive Your head of our bathroom right She doesn't even take into account The noise you said there Being a huge Because I think you just You just think It'll

Yes My wee wee Splashed off the back of the Seat there But someone else will clean it That's the flush That's doing that Dude

We did have a moment right We did have a moment, right? We did have a moment once where Tina came storming over you. Wait on the seat. Now I sat in it. And I was like, I did not do that. I contended that I did. Yes, I did. This is how she is in arguments.

And the reason why I would have gone into a court of law and sworn on the Bible that I didn't was because I pride myself on wiping absolutely everything down and what i emerged what emerged the next day was whatever blockage or situation was happening with the flush in our toilet was that the flush was going up onto the seat and was actually splashing the floor too disgusting which is equally as disgusting maybe something to look at here too. One other thought I had on this was that this,

have you had this kid's eyes tested? Because if he can't see it, can we blame him for it? Now, I'm just throwing that in there. I am saying that I was not as good as hitting the target before I got my eyes lasered. Okay. Well, you know, I do, I don't want to want to sound like I'm not on this mom's side. I am. You're always on their side.

I just feel like, lady, you've got to be careful. Because this kid is only getting to be in your house twice a month. And if you're not careful, he's getting older all the time. He's going to say no soon. Yeah, yeah. So be careful. Eleven is on the time. He's going to say no soon. Yeah, yeah. So be careful. Eleven is on the way. I get that the toileting thing.

Yeah, fair enough. He shouldn't be weeing all over the floor. But just don't make his whole time as your house. Him cleaning your house. He's not your slave. He's a kid. Well, we'll hear back from this person. I've no doubt about it.

I've no doubt we will. She's not going to like that. These stickers are only like five quid on Amazon I'd love to hear how they get on and of course

if you come over to patreon.com forward slash Irishmanabroader you will hear how it goes in future weeks that's where we talk through

the rest of what we're doing the other there's bonus questions over there and that's where we're going to other there's bonus questions over there and that's where we're going to go to now

for the final part of the show but for the rest of you on the free platform thank you for downloading Thank you so much for listening in and getting in touch

we're getting the nicest emails from people just saying they love the podcast and they tell everyone about it and we're out and about and people are coming up saying they love our podcast.

Absolutely love it. And it is so incredibly kind when that happens. And we're really grateful because we love making the podcast. Tina and I will be in Galway this week. We're going to Galway for the Town Hall Theatre is where my tour is on this Thursday. Sold out. So if you're there there make sure to say hello and there's loads more

tour dates being added on jigsr.com shout out to buyme.ie our partner and the you might even get those toilet stickers on buyme.ie if you will because they're linked up with Woody's and everything the offer code is honey10 to get 10 euros off your first

order thank you Tina you're the best to put woodies and everything. The offer code is HONEY10 to get 10 euros off your first order. Thank you, Tina. Thank you, Jarlet. You're the best. Honey, you're ruining our kid with Jarlet and Tina. A Go Loud Parenting Podcast proudly sponsored by Buy Me. The only way to get done stores

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