Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Ep 33 The Teacher Hates My Kid, Can We Prepare For Grief & Body Shaming

Episode Date: May 29, 2023

Turty Tree is one of our trickiest episodes yet and not just because Tina can’t pronounce the number due to her sensual Meath brogue. Three superb emails from three parents coping with very different situations. Thankfully, there's hope to be found in all of them. How can you implement a behavioural consequence when you don’t feel like you have any leverage? To ensure the child will care about the consequence do we need something to hold over them? Lots of parents find themselves wondering, "Has this child just got too much stuff?" Have they just figured out that you’re ‘all talk’ or that you always forget to follow through on your prescribed punishments. Tina reveals that she’s had to set reminders in her phone to follow through on the warnings she’s issued earlier that day! How can you prepare a child for the impending death of their friend? Tina tries to explain that the truth is always the best way to go about answering all the uncomfortable questions your child will have. Memory boxes and encouraging your child to talk about their friend can help them grieve but the path is never easy. Coping with all the confusing feelings they will experience after a loss like this is one thing but what do you do if their curious questions are coming off as insensitive? How can your child already have a bad reputation when they are only five years old? Why are grown ups still labelling some children as the problem child? Has the idea of Denis the Menace made us believe that some kids are just destructive? What do you do when other parents regard your child as the ‘fall guy’ when anything unpleasant happens. Do you go to the school or as Jarlath suggests, go up to the other parents and push them in the chest? Tina has her own story to tell on this very subject. A stepmom needs help guiding her step daughter through a tricky friendship situation with her niece. Awkward is not the word. Is it even her place to get involved? How can she navigate this incredible tricky dynamic. Tina and Jarlath suggest hanging back and continuing to observe it whilst being ready to jump in if the situation gets worse. If you have any problems you need help with fire an email over to Jarlath and Tina at [e-mail]. Proudly sponsored by Buymie.ie

Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, with Jarleth and Tina. A go-lite parenting podcast, proudly sponsored by BuyMe. The only way to get done stores delivered to your door in as little as an hour. Shop the full range of grocery products hand-picked by your BuyMe personal shopper. T's and Z's apply. You're very welcome to another episode of honey you're ruining our kid the parenting podcast from the irishman abroad podcast network and of course go loud with the support of buyme.ie tina how tired are you right now we were in bed very late we were better too last night not because

we were out partying yeah we don't party we don't we don't party but because jarlett was gigging and i always think it's a good idea to go along until i remember the journey home i always think it's funny that people think that when you come to shows that it's just a night out for yourself well really she's dealing with my neurosis in the wings and jarrett puts me to work yeah but uh it was amazing down in tupple hilly along the tupple area oh my god jarrah it was amazing i have never been there it's a long way it was a long way we got such a kick out of that show that joke we said it to the guy who was organizing the show he's like don't don't say that definitely don't say that to the

crowd that'll turn the name of the town was care is, for those of you abroad and not Irish, would expect it to be spelled a completely different way. But it's spelled C-A-H-I-R-I-R. I-R-R. Cahir. Yeah. Chair. And I believe that's why the town got called Caer, is because it sounds like chair.

And I was again told, don't say that to the audience they're very predictive of how the place is pronounced it's beautiful long story short i've never been there so gorgeous swiss cottage and everything there's so many castles and a really amazing castle yeah i am but a port colas that still works for anyone who gives tina good portcullis i tell you she'd wake up at night i mean we got out of the car and tina put her hands on her hips and looked around said i would move here until we realized that none of the restaurants remain open past 6 p.m yeah who closes a restaurant at 6 p.m on a sat I... The people of care. That's who. I have to watch this castle obsession because when we're in Kilkenny,

I'm like, I could live here. And it's really just because I like the castle. You just want to live in a castle. Tina would be the Enya of parenting podcasts. It's like, if you want to contact her, you've got to write her a letter.

There'll be no more emails to honeyyou'reruiningourkid at gmail.com. That was such a good segue you guys have been banging in the emails and we're going to deal with as usual anonymously three of them here and one over on patreon.com forward slash irishmanabroad we'll be coming back to somebody who was in touch uh and what do you do if a teacher takes a dislike to your child oh yeah

we're going to talk about that over on Patreon head over to Patreon for five or a month you sign up you get access to absolutely everything including bonus episodes

of this podcast and lots and lots more we also put a call out this week for questions or examples of tantrums that have been thrown in supermarkets

by your child by your child not just your partner. I can help with that too. I can help with that too. And also, in response to those emails, people who have been trying out the Buy Me are really happy and can't believe it.

Much less stress. I have one friend who works a crazy job, all kinds of hours, has two kids, never has time for anything. Buy Me, she says, changing her life. Changes everything. So that's pretty cool. getting it delivered just getting things delivered it was a big

revelation of the pandemic time it's the time frame she's able to do it on the way home and it's there when she gets there it's so fast you can't believe that yeah buyme.ie and you get a little uh honey 10 promo code that will give you 10 euros free. I'm still talking in pounds. It's been quite a while. Yeah, and me too. I spent the whole time we lived in St. Albans calling Sainsbury's... Super Quinn.

Super Quinn, yeah. And now I'm back here. Super Quinn hasn't been around for years. Now I'm back here and I call everywhere Sainsbury's. Yeah, and you call everybody mate. Mate, yeah. We've so much to get to but tina i wanted to say um that you love me one thing well i say that way too often if i'm honest i think

i boosted your ego too much there um i had somebody talk to me backstage at a show this week about how their their difficulty with their kids is that they don't have any leverage that they have nothing that they can go if you don't do it this won't happen now i don't know where you stand on that like you obviously need at some point to be able to go you talk about this a lot it's like you need to have a realistic punishment that isn't going to ruin the weekend for the family you need to have something available to you if you have to follow through on a consequence yeah so this guy was saying to me i have no leverage there's nothing i can go the kid is like take it away i don't care i'll just do something else that happens sometimes firstly maybe the child just has too much you know too much stuff and isn't very possible yeah

secondly um they haven't followed true enough on the consequence they know they're willing to push back because they're like you'll probably forget yeah i mean that happened to me yeah i have to set reminders in my phone yeah because tina doesn't have a great memory it's one of the reasons this relationship has lasted so long it's definitely the reason well look we look we'll talk about that more as the episode goes on because that's's obviously a bigger thing. And it's a much more wide ranging conversation about. It does leave you feeling powerless, though, as a parent. Because that's when they're at their most cheeky, right? Yeah.

And cheekiness is very hard to take. This is Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid. The no judgment parenting podcast from the Irish Man of Bro podcast network. Send us your email. Send us your questions. Tina's 20 years of experience. She's seen everything. So no matter what you're going through,

you're not on your own. Tina's seen it. And chances are we've got emails on it. So lash them in. Honey, you're ruining our kid at gmail.com. Let's get to it. I just found your podcast after searching for how to talk to children about death and I loved listening to all the other topics in the episode so I'm now following and listening to

your show thank you very much. Thank you so much. The question I have though is more specific than just death how do you talk to your child aged 9 to 12 about the death of a classmate. Oh, my God. Whether it is a best buddy or a classmate, who do you help? How do you help a preteen process their feelings, discuss grief, mortality, and keep moving forward with their day and life? A local young boy, age 9, had an asthma attack and is now in hospital, in a coma, and likely won't live. A dear friend of mine is trying to prepare himself with how to talk to her daughter. They have not had a loved one or friend die to confront this topic or to prepare them for this topic. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy your podcast.

pair them for this topic thank you so so much enjoy your podcast and i'm amazed how much it reaches and resonates all over the world from an american parent in new zealand oh there is a note on that yes you see that yeah because i got back to this person straight away and unfortunately by the next day this child had passed and it's's very, very, very, very sad. But she had already forwarded on my message to this mom and dad to help. And it's just so tough because how do we prepare our children for this? Something they won't really understand. But definitely, I always say this. You tell them the truth you give them facts i mean yesterday like this week unfortunately a friend of ours someone we know and someone very

close to other people we know passed away and we went to the removal yesterday and i said the healthiest thing about that removal was that his children were there in the room with their dad in the coffin and they everything was very real they were being allowed feel the real feelings and i was explaining to mikey how that takes the fear away for them they don't have to worry or you know go to different fears in their brain because they're safe in facts and truth so So it's really tough. Is there a limit? Of course. Yeah, of course. You need to keep it in terms of their age and what they can understand.

You don't need to go into any, you know, adult gory details. But with this child, because they passed as well, I then had to go back to them and help with um how do you now help this child through grief how do we help our children grieve you know my suggestion was as well that they help their children put together memory boxes of this kid that they can visit when they're missing him they can go to their memory box i think it's really important to talk about the person to keep it healthy that way let them enjoy their memories with this kid to talk about the unfairness of it this is not usual it's not usual for a child to pass

especially from an asthma attack it's very unfortunate you say with such confidence though tina but you like because you know your own limits and you know the lines that i'm saying there is there a limit so for other people listening to this they're like yeah there's a limit where is it like where like you say don't go into gory details don't go too adult but like at certain points in the last few weeks we've had emails on this very topic and people going the kid never wants to stop talking about it. Like, do you just make a time in the day or a time in the week for it? I think, you know, you deal with the questions as they come.

But if they're getting too much, don't forget, redirection is your superpower. You can easily redirect and distract your child to do something else and then when they come again you can answer that question but remember don't indulge indulging in these questions isn't good answer them honestly and truthfully and then redirect and put them to something else and when you say all this are you talking about what age kids are you talking about well i guess i mean any child under three okay well she's saying nine to twelve and i find that's a really tough age because a nine to twelve year old can basically have access to google and be googling mad stuff but they won't go there if they feel like they're being told the truth that's what i mean about children it is safer for your child they feel safer knowing well my parents tell

me these things not telling your child or explaining to them like like that removal yesterday if those kids haven't got to go to that then they're left wondering where is my dad yeah there's a gap there's a gap and letting your child, leaving them in wonder isn't good because that's where they become unsafe. That's why they start getting unsettled at night time. They have these moments of aloneness where they have these thoughts that aren't answered. It's very sad and awful for this family.

I mean, the poor things. I mean, how tragic. An asthma attack. It's just so sad. So basic, you poor things. I mean, how tragic. An asthma attack. It's just so sad. So basic, you know, it's such a simple thing. It's such a simple, but we know a lot of people.

So you've seen this. So you've seen in your time as a teacher, because a lot of the time Tina will come home from work or the schools that she's worked in and, you know, will want to just move on

with their day because you're dealing with so much stuff but you have had kids in your class who've suffered loss and grief and the parents are directing you do you go to the teacher is my question oh yeah and say yeah this is how we're doing it yeah well if they they come to you for help but i find the most thing parents find tricky with kids is they ask uncomfortable questions because they don't really understand the sadness so it's more like they trigger you yeah their questions aren't the

same as what you're feeling they're feeling it in a different way yeah they're more it's more of a curiosity with the kids yeah and that can be that can be upsetting They can be very insensitive questions. But to them, it's curious. They cannot get mad at them. No, they're curious. But then you are also teaching them about respect. Yeah. Like respect for the dead. Yeah, but that's...

Like how you don't, like, even on this removal that we were at, on the way and afterwards, like trying to explain, you don't play music like that you don't go on games you know we're at this voice down this kind of stuff like you've always said you kind of got to tell them what's expected oh yeah yeah absolutely not just like yeah i get that you're curious about this but here's what's expected of you in our culture. Oh, yeah, and prepare them for the funeral. Tell them what's going to happen before they get there.

Yeah. Otherwise, that's a very scary thing for a child. I mean, we've seen at funerals where kids have not been told what's about to happen. Absolutely, really scary. And, I mean, we saw it ourselves. We had a death in our family two weeks ago, and there was kids really shocked to see the grave. But that's because we've been through a pandemic, and no one's got to go to funerals and stuff but um this is really sad but i'm always like i think a memory box here is really good and then there's those incredible books like the

invisible string and you know um the um no matter what by debbie laurie there's loads there's loads of books there are loads good luck with No Matter What I just say that to all of you I love that book that No Matter What book we'll link it in the info

I am in bits on page one and by the time you get to the end though there's an

amazing hug waiting for you at the end and even if you're not a hugger that book will bring it out yeah and it'll be something that like we all remember the books from our childhood what was the one that sticks out in your mind from your child that they're like the little

kid book that you read that really stayed with you um six dinners sid i think was read a lot in our house what's that it's about a cat who kind of roams around the neighborhood during the day or he didn't enjoy it six dinners yeah he yeah he's getting a load of dinners you know unbeknownst to his owner and i was like what's the message i was reading this book i was like i really don't like this book why are you always reading about greed yeah maybe how you can't trust cat you don't trust the dustbin when i was a kid maybe my mother maybe i'm only copping on to it and you don't trust cats you don't trust cats when i was a kid maybe my mother maybe i'm only copping on to it and you don't trust cats i don't trust cats heena really does not like cats well we have a cat here who are kind of like they're very sleazy like why are you rubbing

it against their creeps i don't like a lot of cat people listening now going that's it done with this pod you know i think i have my own few sensory issues. And the idea of the cat's hair touching me gives me the heebie-jeebies. But the cat we have here is hilarious. He hides around corners and then jumps out and frightens our dogs. He's funny. He has a sense of humor. Also, we had cats in St. Albans who I liked, our neighbor's cats. So there's three cats in my whole life I've liked.

Six Dinners Sid is the book that Tina doesn't recommend. Oh, look, there's just so many. What's the one that stands out for you? I read Emperor's New Clothes and the Magic Paintbrush so many times that they're embedded in my memory. And I could redraw the drawings in those books immediately. There was some story that I often dream about where the girl had a tiny little oven in the woods. I can't remember any other details. Hansel and Gretel?

No, no, no, no. It was like she used to... Oven in the woods? How dangerous is this? She used to bake... It was a tiny oven, really small. She used to bake little tiny things in it. Okay, if you know what story that is

and if it'll help your kids with grief no it won't it won't i find some of those stories looking back where you're just like what are we what was this all about like i found that the emperor's new clothes book he meant a nudity in it i was like this is a lot of nudity yeah but you know at least those stories are okay my house and my granddad's and stuff, they were telling me those old Irish folktales. Oh, God. Feckin' terrifying.

And the other day I bought one. W.B. Yeats had helped edit. What was that guy? The president of Ireland fellow, Douglas Hyde, had gone around and collected all these old stories. They are so scary. I was reading them going. But that was the idea, scare your kids to bed.

Yeah, like I still have to cover my ears at night time because I'm terrified the fairies are going to come in and try and take me away. And this is a woman you're taking parenting advice from. Hey, Tina and Jar. Firstly, i absolutely love the show i never managed to listen to any other parenting podcast for more than one episode so we're doing well this is great that's really cool okay i'm writing to you about the children who struggle to behave appropriately at school okay uh whether you should confront the parents that's the question i've been thinking long and hard about how i would react well my son is one of those kids okay okay so she's the kid she's the parent of the kid that

can't behave appropriately in school. Okay, so, all right, this is interesting. We have been having complaints since he started nursery. Nursery? Yeah, so he's now in year one in England, right? Okay. That's how they call it. Okay. And I've developed an unconscious flinch when a teacher approaches me.

Oh, my God. He's only six. But I'm totally paranoid. When teachers approach me, I'm immediately like, what did he do? My son has also been at the receiving end. And when the school left a message to tell us there was an incident at school and to come in in an hour, I presumed he was the perpetrator. I've done that, too. I've never felt so bad in all my life this incident went on for months and never did i think i needed to confront the parents

as thankfully the school were on it right okay but i did have to remind myself occasionally that what we're talking about here is a five-year-old yes exactly i mean good good on you yeah uh because so many parents get lost in the the little best hey what also i hate that they decide that's who that kid is he's five pigeonhole sorry right now he's five yeah this is who he is at the moment state of change next week he could be completely different completely give him a chance yeah just with one compliment who could change everything yeah okay so she says you seem like a fountain of knowledge on behavior i assume you're referring to tina there i'm gonna guess that's aimed at tina and i was wondering if there were any books you'd recommend that That's a hard one.

Our problem is if we focus too much on getting good behavior, it really affects his mental health and leads to night terrors and other coping mechanisms. That's I don't know what to say. So he's under a bit of pressure because let's face it, he's got a rep. And these kids who have a reputation of being that child, they are frustrated. They have more behaviors than other kids because they're so tired of nothing I do is okay. Everything I do is wrong. And he's five and he's feeling that already. That's a lot of pressure.

He feels like he's a criminal. He's got a record. Yeah, but he does because, I mean, it's so silly. I say it all the time. How can you, as a grown-up, take offense to a little child or, you know, get involved? Teachers do it all the time. Like, she asked about my advice on getting involved. And I always think, don't go to the parents.

She did it the right way. When there was an issue with our kid, she kept it within the school. I like to go up to the parents and push them in the chest and go like uh you and i need to sort this out down the park after school well she did it the right way because for two days later those kids are best friends again but you have fallen out with a parent i mean we had a terrible incident in england where i had to go to a teacher because someone had stuck a pencil into my child's penis and he rather than say anything and get that child in trouble just let them and had a sore willy and opened up to us later about what had happened. Now not for a second did I want that child to

be in trouble for that. What concerned me was that our kid didn't think he could say, feck off, stop doing that to me. Yeah, well, hold the phone here, Tina. What you've described here is a sexual assault. But he was very young. He was wearing trousers. He was wearing trousers. It sounded like you said, so this kid, you know, took a pencil and stuck it down the eye of his penis. And, you know, being a polite kid, he said, I won't say anything.

I'll bring it up later over dinner. He's in school wearing, you know, a school uniform. Yeah. And it's a poking with the pencil. Yeah. The pencil didn't. In the dick region. Oh, my God.

I'm so terrible. But you have passed over it. Yeah, the pencil didn't go into his wig. Yeah, yeah. You poked him in the penis with a pencil. And anyway, my concern wasn't anything into his wing. Yeah, yeah. You poked him in the penis with a pencil. And anyway, my concern wasn't anything to do with the kid doing that. I was like, kids do crazy stuff.

I was worried my kid didn't think he could say stop. Exactly. So I went to the teacher and asked them to say, not to say anything. I said, can you just keep an eye on Mikey and maybe the odd time just remind him it's OK for you to stand up for yourself. To say no. Because Mikey just wouldn't want to get anyone in trouble ever. And they went to the parent. And I was like, I was so upset because I was like, I told you not to do that. And they were like, she's really angry and we're concerned for your welfare now.

She's out to get you. So they went to that parent, if I can just get clarity on this, and said, your kid poked Mikey in the dick with a pencil. I hope they didn't say dick. And schools are always saying that. And the mom was like. In a rage. In a rage because she was like, my child would never do that. He's a liar.

He's a liar. Why is he telling on her? And I was like, oh, poor Mikey, because like he hasn't and I haven't. And I didn't even know which child it was the teacher knew because obviously this child had been doing it to a few other people. But they were concerned for your welfare. Long story short. To the point where they had to put a person on the gate most mornings when i for nearly two years tina i had to walk you to school yeah yeah because the rage of this woman went for months months and months

months yeah filthies they like just and i did it this is the worst thing because i'm irish i like i would say hello to her every morning you couldn't resist it she couldn't resist saying hello bananas but it was a reflex i said hello to everyone i'd be like oh my gosh i was like don't say hello again it was terrible it was a lesson in doing what this mum had said which is let the school handle it but then two years later the school made a balls of it yeah two years later

it was like it never happened she'd forgotten about it she had forgotten she had forgotten she did not know why she was mad at you I'm obviously still traumatised from it

but she completely moved on yeah so I'm saying so the books that this woman is looking for what would you recommend well I don't know really

how do you recommend a book on this like i think that my really firm advice on this is your gut is right don't get the parents involved unless it's out of control a little bit of background here she does provide some background she says my son is waiting for assessment for adhd okay in my borough of london uh the wait is two years that's tough and that's normal in england and here actually sake unless you can in the meantime what do you do he we are not in crisis thankfully my son also had undiagnosed glue ear oh so common too what the hell is glue ear well it and then it affects their hearing and they're not what is it speech is all it's hard really weird oh my god

i'm not the only person listening to this now going this is another thing i have to be afraid of that thing where they have to like they have to get their ears drained and they're not hearing their so their their hearing has been so affected by it that their speech is different because they're hearing everything different. Flippin' hell. It's very common. This is literally the first time I've said those words. You were so funny because I was like the other day going, remember we had to stop Mikey swimming because of all those ear infections he kept giving? You were like, Titty, get ear infections.

I have to talk about how cunning I was as a child around here oh yeah well let's get to this because this this mom this is a very good email thank you so much for sending this in because basically this is what the podcast is all about this woman is opened up that she's that one kid yeah it was like there's always that one kid in the class they're like your johnny has been difficult with my sheila and it does come down to the school what do i do yeah what do i do well what i but you have to have faith in that school like what happened with you in your situation was the school made a haze they made a haze of it and made our life miserable i had to walk tina to school every day they were very apologetic but i was just like what i told you not to do that i regret it ever going thanks for the apology because i was just like for me it was just startling that our child

was so polite that he'd let we should have just dealt with it ourselves yeah we should have just dealt with it ourselves but i thought you know maybe at the time i thought he doesn't really do anything i say maybe if his teacher says it's okay to say stop he'll stop but what i would say to this woman is look with everything she's waiting on the adhd diagnosis and stuff she needs to have a good relationship with the senko and the senko's in these schools in england are incredible well the senko what's that stand for sorry um well off the top of my head i can't really remember can we look it up but the senko is the liaison she's a teacher who specializes in um you know making sure that all the children who need something get it so it's a

special educational needs coordinator yeah gotcha okay and the Senko is a name that came up a lot over there. Yeah, but normally people who tend to be Senkos are incredibly giving people. They have big hearts and their jobs are to go into classrooms where a teacher has a concern about a child. They'll observe the child and then they will start the process if they think, okay, this child needs to be referred to a doctor. We need to get a speech therapist in but and it's an incredible incredible tool in the school unfortunately there's so many kids that need help the waiting list like that woman says for like two years long but you've got to get your senko involved because she's the key to you getting all these things all these books and she these books too. And she'll have all the knowledge. She'll know what books to get.

But what I'm saying about the school is I feel like this mom needs to sit down with the teacher of this class and say to her what she said to us. That she feels like her child is only five years old and already has a reputation. She had a lot of parents coming to her

and is there any way the school can send out a vague general note about if there's a problem with a child in the class, please come to the headmaster or the teacher. Do not go between yourselves. That's really important that that messaging is clear. This is not my only job on the podcast. Okay. But what if your kid doesn't have a diagnosis? What if your kid is just being a little bollocks? This kid may not have a diagnosis what if your kid is just well this kid this kid may

not have a diagnosis yeah i'm just saying she is trying to figure out she describes a couple of examples of the kind of behaviors that get them in trouble so you know i think tina's given a great answer here i think that the senko is the key and it's or whatever it is wherever you are in the world that that's the person to get involved. They will have access to all the books and info you will need. But the examples she gives of the behaviours that are getting this kid in trouble include speaking out of turn, taking off his shoes to look at a heart

she's drawn inside the shoe. It sounds like a little silly to realise how cute these kids are. I show you the heart in my shoe. It all sounds pretty normal behaviour to me. General messing and doing things without permission. And kids that age tend to do that. They tend just to go off and do their thing

and then they're like, oh, I didn't know I was supposed to ask or I didn't know I was allowed to do that. I mean, with every child, I talk about sensory diets all the time. But if your child is having trouble focusing at school, a sensory diet in the morning before they go is amazing. Do the brushing, do the stretching, do the squeezing.

It will help center them before they go off on their day. So the sensory diet, if people want to go back, there is a full episode around this stuff. There, Tina explains exactly what a sensory diet is. You can go back and all the episodes are there. It's easily found are there it's easily found exercises yeah in terms of those behaviors though doing things without permission yeah speaking out of turn being able to just stop messing yeah i very much doubt that that's

behavior that this kid is reserving for school yeah so is it possible to you know maybe just be a little model the behavior you're expecting in school at home like is it possible that he's a complete free ride at home not this kid specifically but a kid like this can have a complete kind of well in our house we don't, everybody does their own thing. You mean you think he needs more of a chat about what's expected of him at school? I think he's probably unused to the structures. Yeah. Well, he's only in, what is it, year one?

And if you're, like, willing to go, right, well, when we do this, we focus in. Yeah. When we do this and give him jobs around the house. And to be honest, you're onto something there because even when our child you always look at me like am I reception in England which is like

junior infants here babies yeah is like free play no like the kids are having the time of their life the jump

from reception to year one I mean even our kid who falls in line he found it so tough. All of a sudden there was demands on them. They couldn't just do what they want. It's a completely different approach

to teaching in the classroom from reception to year one. So he probably is finding that tricky, like most children do. And I feel like this poor mom has had, and she's scarred by having, obviously, a tricky enough nursery experience where her kid was getting in trouble all the time. Do you know what?

When I was in England and I worked in a nursery, we had a kid come to us and the report that came with him from his nursery, I was just like, who would judge a two and a half year old child this way? Like this kid needs to be isolated. This kid can't be trusted. This kid can't be trusted this kid can't be i was like oh my god what kind of an adult says has observed this child and been this negative about that is mad this little kid was in our classroom now to be fair for the first few weeks it was tough yeah because he was used to being isolated and taken out and stuff and we had to kind of gain his trust but when we did and when he realized hang on they don't judge me they're not they're not treating me like a different world i mean i use

his parents used to collect him crying every day they used to be like you've changed our lives he's so happy they taught their child had all these behavioral issues and now he probably had a few to be fair like you know but they thought it was like extreme and they were like all he needed was to feel welcomed and not judged wouldn't that break your heart wouldn't it did break it did absolutely split you into there's no way this five-year-old's not aware that other parents are talking about it that's why she needs to talk to the school about saying parents need to stop going between parents there needs to be rules in the whatsapp group you have an issue you go to the teacher that's their job figure it out through that uh over on patreon.com forward slash irishman abroad we're going to talk about a situation very

similar to this where a kid 100 had a rep she didn't deserve yeah you can hear the whole thing by popping over there now and get the full extended extra bit every single week of honey you're ruining our kid and i promise you you won't regret it i feel like you never ever pretended to be sick to get off school. No, and there was no point even trying. You were going one way or another, sick or not, that's that. Yeah, big time. And how sick were you going in? Well, actually, you know, when I did get sick as an 11 year old and was properly sick

it took a long time for my parents i think i feel to take me seriously with the sick because there was loads of times i'd there's a hidden illness yeah i'd walk to school and by the time i got there my knees would be black and i'd have to go be sent home because my joints would have swelled up so much and I think uh this is meant to be a crack sorry now I'm so sad no okay let's get back to black knees by the time you got to school 13 at that point yeah yeah but anyway um yeah we were going to talk about pretending you had a tummy ache. Sorry. So I never got to pretend. You don't have to say sorry. This sucks. But I actually think because.

But this is also like there is something else here, Tina, that like if your kid is complaining. Yeah. You got to be really careful about going to stop your making a song and dance out of this. I think when you're in your preteens and teenage years, especially when we were kids, a lot of it was put down to growing pains. Yeah. And now we're much more aware that a lot more than growing pains can be going on when your kid is that age. But, okay, Daryl, I have a feeling that you definitely did. You're like, your acting chops are good.

But, like, 110%, I faked everything. Everything there was to fake, I faked it. What? Why did you not want to go to school? See, I actually always wanted to go to school. Boring. Boring. It was boring.

It was below you. It was just boring. I just found it just meh. I just had too many crushes. I didn't want to miss out on my crushes at school. Yeah, and it was all the other way with me. They had just so many crushes on me that I needed a break from all of that. No, I faked everything.

But when I knew I was pro was when I realized that every kid talks about tummy ache. That doesn't cause concern. You need to really, it has to be something that will make them go oof but not enough for them to go we gotta get you to a doctor so i figured out earache was way better than tummy ache that's dastardly or smart i'm smart you're very smart smart guy did your sisters know oh 100%. They always know, right? They always know. What's wrong with you? You're earache. Okay.

Oh, God. What test is on today, Ger? The sickest though I ever got, like you're obviously way sicker than me, sickest I ever got. And I got a lot of time off was, and I didn't tell my parents what was wrong. I had twisted my testicles badly honey bunny so you were in the habit of making up illnesses were you afraid you just you were ashamed of this one you're embarrassed tina my balls were tangled i'm not gonna be

hey ma look at this like when um those baubles get tangled on a christmas tree or yeah i mean you're the description you're giving people off my balls right now. That's how you, it's been a long time since you, if that's what you think. it's more like when you're 11 it's more like two grapes in a um money purse you poured them did you know what was happening or did you just think i'm dying i just knew that it was very painful and i couldn't get them right oh and you had been fiddling with them was it this is when it gets worse oh no i didn't get time off school because of that. Because usually, this is a common enough thing, if your little kid has gone through this.

It's very common, apparently. But I scraped them trying to rectify the situation. Oh, my God. Actually, my tummy just flipped there. I subsequently got an infection that moved up through my digestive system. Oh my God, and you still didn't say anything. And I can remember lying on the couch and I couldn't move my eyes to the left or right. Oh God, Charlie.

That was when I said to my parents, I think I know what might be wrong. And they brought me to Crumlin Hospital and got everything sorted out. But boy, oh boy. So you were just embarrassed yeah i mean who who is going to be pretending was wrong like they obviously knew you were sick you couldn't fake not being sick i said a stomach ache at that time yeah stomach oh poor darlotte i just thought it would sort itself out but it's funny is that i haven't it does stop and that's the thing that was my advice to the parents that have been through this

it continually happens and then it stops for some reason but God yeah I also just

did these dangly balls honestly Jared my tummy is so tight I might need to take a toilet break what that I gross you out that much

that's good to know good to know good to know my 10 year old stepdaughter and my 10 year old niece have become friends and have a great time together and i love that they get along so well there's just one thing that bothers me and I don't know how to deal with it. So my niece is somewhat overweight and I think she gets self-conscious about it. My stepdaughter is thin and she likes to point it out. She never says anything negative to my niece regarding her being overweight but she sometimes makes comments about how thin she herself is i.e checking herself out in the mirror going look i'm so skinny i know my stepdaughter means no harm she isn't trying to make my niece feel bad or anything i just wish she wouldn't talk about

weight full stop i just want to say something to her when this happens, but I've no idea how to say it. Any advice on this, Tina, would be much appreciated. I mean, why is that little girl talking about her weight at 10 years of age? Is that normal? Like, I don't even know if that's normal. I've never never 10 years old i mean that's coming from somewhere else big time i grew up in a very weight conscious house

yeah yeah my father was in horse racing weight was a topic those who were lightest got the best jobs in yeah riding horses and i was conscious of my weight at 10 and younger i remember looking at my legs and thinking when i was sitting down and the the your your thighs will expand thinking i wish i could make them smaller no i remember being conscious of the folds of my stomach when i sat and wondering how do i get them flat as a young a child seven upwards that's really scary to me i i would have thought this was more of a pre-teen this is in the media tina yeah this is in the media you know you don't need to look anywhere else this is on the tv and everywhere you go that you know skinny and slim is in now i wonder you tell me this mom is obviously giving her kid the benefit of the doubt

that she doesn't mean any harm by it's her niece she said yeah but like Yeah. But like, I mean, talking about how brilliant it is to be able to run in front of somebody who's in a wheelchair. Yeah. It's an insensitivity. Yeah, she's being insensitive, definitely. And if she's noticing that she's so skinny, she's definitely taking note that her friend isn't. And in a weird way, this is her letting her friend know this is better i'm better than you but i've gone through times in my life when i've been severely overweight that is not true tina you can say that as much as you like but i was I was 27 kilos heavier than I am now in 2007.

And that's a lot of bags of sugar. And people would make comments. If you are overweight, you know what I'm talking about. That they would talk about how great it is to be thin. As a means of letting me know jar and i was not imagining it it was very tough because i knew i was eating and i was gaining weight because of stress yeah and because of how uncertain my life was at the time and you know just emotional stuff that i was going through well it's very tough because no 10 year old should be overweight i mean it shouldn't come down to vanity but no 10 year

old should be overweight really because children should be active and busy and have a healthy lifestyle i mean but it does it shouldn't be what they're eating because kids should be so busy it doesn't matter what they eat because it's being burned off they shouldn't at 10 be conscious of the food going into their body because it shouldn't matter yet it shouldn't matter well this is a huge problem i mean i i think that that's like saying well no kids should be hungry oh of course i'm just saying i'm just saying it is heartbreaking that this poor child is 10 and i struggle i mean it's so uncomfortable for kids you know but um i would bring it up the hardest question i don't think so i don't think it's hard

because i think that centering it on the weight issue yeah is the wrong thing yeah i agree we're talking about insensitivity not saying uh i can't wait to see my dad when you're in front of a kid who's lost their father yeah yeah we're talking about what other people have and don't have that you have yes and i think if you're talking to your kid on those grounds you're like we're we bring kids up knowing that they're lucky but the hard part here is she's not the mom. Oh, yeah. She can't really have this chat. Oh, yeah. This is a great email. Yeah.

Oh, she's a great stepmom. Yeah. That's incredible. What a great stepmom. She noticed something that other parents wouldn't notice. And this is what I've observed you doing. Because we're in such a past remarkable culture, right? There's so much of of and i really do attribute

whether it's strictly come dancing and x factor yeah i really hate those shows where it's just encouraging nitpicking and judging and that's better judging that's not like even like we have avoided those shows for the very reason i think but also we do not comment on people's appearances ever uh ever and you pull it anytime it happens even if somebody uh meaning me goes look at the jacket on this guy and i am prone to doing that yeah i'm always like hey people have to be a lot of fun with their clothes yeah and while you might have those conversations with your partner yeah and you don't you try not to certainly never in front of the kids no no no and very rarely has mikey ever done that but we did have a we did have a

problem with his friend one of his friends and we did pull him on it because it was it was awful it was out the window of our car yeah and we were like absolutely not happening no no no no and mikey was embarrassed but he was also like embarrassed by his behaviour too so it was very hard but she can't do that she can't be the one to do this because see if she goes to her

she goes to her on the basis of if she goes to this girl's parent mum or dad and says it how do you say it without saying your child's being really insensitive? I also feel like for the child to be talking like this, weight must be a thing at home. She's aware she's skinny. So maybe there is a maybe the parents in that house. not i mean you just the kid just needs to have an instagram account or access to the keeping up with the kardashians to know uh that this is or any access to any kind of advertising yeah i do think it's very tricky well it's tricky on both sides she can't talk to her

niece and she can't really talk to her stepdaughter because what's she gonna say what she can do is indirectly put in things that go for more walks with your stepdaughter help her eat healthier food when she's in your house no matter what we say dance around it this little girl we don't want her to become conscious of her weight but being overweight is not good for her she needs to be feel healthier in herself she is there an argument for just not getting involved oh it's hard is there an argument for just going leaves them at it i mean a hands-off approach here of going leave matter and if it escalates then you jump in if it comes down to it if something does happen it's just too soon like her standing in front of the mirror and going look how skinny i am is an insensitivity yeah it's not

your kid you can't raise it but that would be affecting the other kid of course what well that's what she could do she could just you know she's still 10 which means she still plays or draws or does something and we always say that tool that they use in play therapy, where you get the child active doing something and then you drop in a few questions and see how they answer them. They feel really safe.

They feel relaxed. You're asking them. And the truth comes out. And you could ask her kind of questions like... When do you feel sad? Yeah, when do you feel sad? Is there anything that makes you feel sad? And they open up so amazing. quickly as well yeah the the poor person who wrote in can't really

do much because she's the stepmom and she's the aunt and it's not really her place right well the only thing i would say she's italian and she can go for her life the only thing I would say is that you can talk about sensitivity. Oh, yeah. Like you can actually talk about how aren't we so lucky that we have these things? And you would never talk about having, you know, a holiday, a foreign holiday in front of somebody who, you know, doesn't get to go on holidays. You should try and rub things in, do we? I mean, that could be a much bigger conversation around. Do you guys know anyone that rubs it in when somebody has something?

And they'll probably both know, yeah, that Johnny is always saying how he's got this and he's got that. And how does that make you feel? I mean, a consciousness of how our words are impacting others might be the conversation that needs to take place. And that wouldn't be overstepping the mark. And what she might need to be ready to do, if this little 10 year old is very conscious of being skinny and how skinny she is,

she needs to keep an eye on that and be ready to step in if it goes further. Like that's the most worrying part of this. I'm sure it's awful for the little girl who's overweight and made feel uncomfortable about her body but this other little girl might be at the beginnings of an eating disorder i definitely can tell you from experience that you do need to get on that quick yeah because it's hung around my neck a lot of my life even to now like even now it's still there and if you don't get in quick we both know people that have suffered massively much more than me but i'm so grateful that this person got in touch yeah and i hope that helps what we do in the

second bit of the show over on patreon.com is we revisit an old email also you know with this question my favorite emails well not my favorite but a lot the emails i really love are people get in touch to help so i bet other people will have ideas for this and i love those emails they're great honey you're ruining our kid at gmail.com is the email address we want to hear from you just bang them in we answer every single email i should have said tina answers every email that's who you really want to hear from and as i said we've lots more coming in the coming weeks tina thanks so much for doing this i love doing it and today was episode 33 which is a very hard number for me to say with my big nav and accent episode 33

can't believe we're here 33 episodes insane yeah don't forget buyme.eu is our proud partner and you can get 10 pounds credit on your first order by using honey 10 on their app yeah you can go on their app while you're on the way home from work and within the hour your shopping food's at the door and you can go to woody's there's a load of different things on that i'm really impressed by it get involved get stuck in and make sure to send us a email this week. We'd love to. Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid with Jarleth and Tina.

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