Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Ep 35 Drop-Off Hell, Teenage Kicks & Chipping Your Kids?

Episode Date: June 12, 2023

Getting to drop off is hard enough without your kid refusing to go into school! Jar and Tina get an email from a parent who finds herself in the worst drop off scenario. Tina has seen it all with her 20 years of experience in behaviour and early intervention but is there a silver bullet for the clinging behaviour or do we just have to grin and act like it's not happening? The teenage years just got a lot scarier. With phones available to film their antics, teens and pre teens are making decisions that could change their life forever. Listen to this parent explain what is going on in their house and you might think twice about issuing a smart phone to your kid. Can a family meeting and some basic security checks prevent the online shaming of a sibling? A return listener gets in touch to explain that the original strategy Tina provided has worked but now she has a new problem. Her daughter picks at her finger until it bleeds which leads infection. She needs help fast. Tina and Jarlath struggle with this one as everything she’s doing is exactly what they would suggest. They try and guide her through upping the rewards and making her plaster game more fancy pants. A very tough question to receive but there's even more over on Patreon.com/irishmanabroad - bonus episodes / XL episodes and a range of other podcasts to keep you company during night feeds or those precious times you get to yourself. Jarlath thinks you should be allowed monitor your kid's movements at all times even if that means installing an air-tag on their shoes. Tina disagrees. What's your take on this one? Is chipping your kid a step too far in overseeing their behaviour or will it become the norm in years to come? You can't completely avoid the stress of being a parent but you can get your groceries delivered to your door. And that should help. Buymie.ie the partners of this podcast delivering the food you love from Dunnes Stores all over Ireland. Try the offer code HONEY10 in their app and start the week off with 10 euro on us. Anonymously mail [e-mail] with your situations, stories and problems. We don't have to feel so alone while parenting.

Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid with Jarleth and Tina. A Go Loud Parenting Podcast proudly sponsored by Buy Me. The only way to get done stores delivered to your door in as little as an hour. Shop the full range of grocery products handpicked by your Buy Me personal shopper. T's and Z's apply. You know what it is, it's you're ruining our kid the parenting podcast from the irish man abroad podcast network and go loud proudly presented by buyme.ie you get your groceries delivered to your house in as little as an hour and your stress levels as a parent are going to

go through the floor that's if you live in ireland this is an irish yeah it is an irish thing and also a lot of our friends in dublin are using it and it's changing their lives but if you're living abroad abroad it's not available it's not available but the idea of grocery delivery abroad is just like they're way ahead on this so it's finally great there is something like this available in ire Ireland and the person who delivers it is not making you feel like why did you ask me like have you not got legs of your own that's true like that is the way certain ones we won't name names but certain ones but what is cool about the buy me app is that if you are abroad and you're worried about your parents in Ireland and they need stuff that day and they can't get out of the shops finally we have a delivery service in Ireland that guarantees

you delivery that day that doesn't exist anywhere else so I think buy me is pretty cool so if you're away worried about your parents or someone you can actually get groceries honestly those little shopping deliveries that you do as a person living away you might there mightn't be anything that you'll get more praise for yeah yeah did it a bunch of times during the pandemic obviously yeah before the arrival of buy me and i'll tell you people are so appreciative because these are things that as we know are so expensive yeah all of a sudden do you remember my mom used to send us hamburgers during the pandemic it was amazing that was amazing and they'd be like all these fancy cakes and like 10 bottles of wine yeah well this is this is definitely cheaper than that we uh have put a

couple of questions out to you last week including should you chip your kids? I maintained, yes, you should know where your kids are at all times. If the technology is available and they are already carrying a tracking device in the form of their phone, that, of course, you should be able to check where they are without it being an invasion of their privacy. I do think it's an invasion of their privacy. How? Completely. Well, you're not allowing them to be responsible for themselves. Instead, they're like, you know, they feel like someone's watching them the whole time.

I don't want to watch my kid. I want to trust my kid. Someone is always watching. But I want to trust them. I don't want to track them. If you think about the days when we were not being watched as kids. Great days. And the number of kids in plaster of Paris on crutches.

Split heads. I mean, they just didn't know where you were, what you were up to. I know and you know that a baby monitor is a calming thing for a young kid. I think the reason we have such a great sleeper is because of the baby monitor and how safe Mikey felt for a long yeah a long time but jarlett puts this question out to you guys everyone agrees with jarlett i cannot believe it nobody came back to say yeah they're routine and these children deserve to be have their private life nope everyone was like absolutely definitely putting one of those in my child's school bag yep and i just don't know what to think made me wish that that occurred

in our daily life that i could just turn to the audience and go am i crazy and then go and tina could hear them say no jar she's wrong you're normal she's weird well i stick to my guns on this one i do not want to track it's not like you i'd like you to take your heels in and be like well i hear logic and i don't i'm not going to change i just think this one's a step too far these kids are so watched i just think it's a step too far but the only person that really should be watching them is you they're still watched correct yeah all of that's true but the only person who definitely should have tabs on where they are and what they're up to in the same way as you're saying you're saying that you should be checking their internet history

well that yeah i don't know how to do that you're watching where they're going online i can't get to mikey's thing without him already having deleted it all he's so quick it's like why is he deleting it after he searches it straight away yeah but I have I've said this to you before I have a way looking at it after he deletes it he doesn't know about I mean you can go back and listen to that episode around safety online because that is I mean that's the new playground right that's that's where that's where you really need to monitor where they're going to be well we've got three fantastic questions for you absolute bangers real 2023 stuff you're listening to this in 2024 it'll probably still apply as well but we're talking about public shaming we're talking about uploading on footage of your siblings we're talking about clingy kids

and what's the other one clingy kids and we are talking about uh picking scabs beautiful yeah well we know someone who collects their their toenails you looked at me there like it's not me guys it's not me it's not you you don't cut your someone in this household but uh look do get in touch if you're listening to this for the first time welcome aboard there are 34 episodes freely available for you. I mean, this is episode 35. I can't believe that. Flying.

And summer holidays just around the corner. We'll obviously take a break during summer holidays, be back in September. But you can go back and listen to all 34 episodes. And do you know what's amazing? Without sounding like silly. But people are getting in touch just like loads of people are getting in touch to say they just love the show which is amazing yeah that they're not sending in things and they're just listening and enjoying yeah because i do need you to send an email like that would be great but it's really nice to get the messages going we just love the show and i really appreciate that so

thank you so much what i love about most about it tina is the zero judgment yeah that was always the point of this is that if you email in you will not get an email back from tina going the zero judgment yeah that was always the point of this is that if you email in you will not get an email back from tina going well you're doing it wrong no there is no one way to do this and if anything what i've learned across the 34 episodes is we're learning to observe our kids properly see what they're doing you've blown my mind this week because this week we had to do some writing together and i was looking at jarrett the whole time and i was like you actually listened to me he was able to vocalize what i believe in better than i was able to listen to you spout on but i was like that's really it was so cute to me i I was like, that's so nice. You listen. Well, I doubt I'm the only one because, you know, the principles of what you preach here,

very straightforward, very easy to grasp and not specific. There are general things that can be applied to your specific situation. Yeah. So thank you guys for listening. Let's get to it. Get to it. Hello, Tina and Jar, myself and my partner, both from Dublin, but recently moved to Canada. Jumped for joy when we started listening to your podcast.

It is the perfect balance of so many useful tips. And of course, that Irish humor and attitude we miss so much. And remember that our kid is almost two years old and we are in a separation anxiety phase. And while I know this is normal part of development, it has been making daycare drop off really stressful. With Tina's Montessori approach, I have been thinking all week about what you might advise. We are really lucky to have had our kid in Canada and to have all the support that Canada offers parents and families. Our daughter is in a lovely daycare and we love the staff there. But she's been at this centre for almost a year now and always used to love going in every day until now. OK, it's a new thing. thing yeah she doesn't want to be separated from me

at the moment but when her dad does the drop off it's never-ending tears so she's cool with mom dropping off i don't think she is either but she just goes even further on that okay never-ending tears panic gripping us with fear the teachers at daycare seem eager for us to leave as soon as possible, which has always been Tina's thing, which I completely understand. However, I am not comfortable leaving my kid in a distressed state, which is totally understandable as well. I often end up in tears on the way home. That's rough.

Yeah, and totally understandable. She's so young. Some days I try to stay for a bit play with her and the other kids tina just put her head in her hands but i know that it is upsetting the routine of the teachers there tina's now nodding as a teacher myself okay she's a teacher herself of older kids i can understand their perspective what i can do what can i do so that i feel i am meeting my child's needs comforting them while also not wanting to be that annoying parent oh i am concerned that she suddenly doesn't want to go to daycare when she used to love it i have no idea once i leave how long she is upset for i don't want

her to be psychologically damaged by these experiences nor don't want her to be psychologically damaged by these experiences, nor do I want her to have such a negative experience in daycare that she will never want to go again. I'm sorry for the rambling email. Not at all. This is not a rambling email at all.

It's a great email. With gratitude for all the podcasts, all you do for all these parents and all these kids. Anonymous. Why do you make that, Tina? Well, there's so much there first of all the one thing i need to stress here age two very very very normal behavior

for a two-year-old no matter how long they've been in a setting super normal but gotta remember it's a phase they didn't cry before they'll go back to not crying again it's a face i've seen it over and over and over again tell her that oh yeah crying on the steering wheel but sure you remember what was i like when mikey went to montessori funny story side story guys the montessori was next to a sports complex with a coffee shop yeah tina sat in the coffee shop pressed pressed against the window. Yeah, for a month. Trying to peer into the distance to see if the kids were okay through the wall of the school. Yeah, for a whole month. This is the woman who up to that point, I had been teaching for, God, 10 years.

I had never let a parent in my class, ever. Not once. Didn't matter what was happening. I'm sorry, I'll deal with it. I'll ring you and let you know how it's going. You're not coming in. She was ruthless. So I knew.

I knew I couldn't do that. I knew I could not go into the Montessori with Mikey or he would demand in his own way. But she could still sit with binoculars on the roof. Look, I totally get this. What I'm saying is I completely understand this poor mother it is it is gut wrenching yeah but the mad part in tina's situation was that mikey wasn't crying he was going in going i just wanted whatever guys see you later i'm going to be close by if they rang i wanted to be like i'm there you know i just wanted to be here yeah i wanted

to be i'm here for you it's all good like i know it was crazy i know it was and just like these people i'm not saying they're crazy but they've just moved and we had just moved and i was such a stranger in that land yeah so you get it yeah i completely get it now what i can tell this mom is those teachers have obviously been very honest with you, telling you it's not the best idea to come into the class. And it is a very hard one for a parent to understand when they see their child upset. But what those teachers know is that that upsetment passes very quickly. Like literally the minute you're out of sight, that kid will stop crying and get on with it. Maybe that's not what's been explained here.

Yeah, maybe not. And maybe, maybe the kid isn't stopping crying very quickly. But the chances are the child is. There are also pros at this. This is the other thing. She's saying that there's a good school. Yeah. Have the faith.

Yes. They know. Like Tina knew in her school. They're crying now. I got this. Oh, yeah. I've seen've seen so many mornings i've had to pull children who loved coming into my classroom i still have to pull them off their parents pull them off bring them in give them the hook give them a job off they go skipping and they're like ring their mom and say, not crying now. Literally two minutes later. Well, it's good of you to ring.

I would always ring. And I think she deserves a call. But what I wanted to say there was, why is she crying? At some point, this poor mom must have come into the classroom a little bit more than she did. And the child really liked it. Why would you not like it that's your favorite person in school in school you way prefer to be with your mom you're tolerating school now you're like i want that person this is good you're right so then what happens is like i've a few times when i've shared a classroom with other teachers who maybe have different belief system to me and they've allowed the parents in the classroom to play like this mama said that never works out all i've seen

happen there is actually a more painful process for the kid because they really want their mom there is it possible that the child is performing i don't think it's performative in this case like they're not being like they're not consciously doing there might be i think they're putting on a bit of a show so that mom feels like i miss you oh oh yeah i also think that uh you know they know mom if i cry mommy doesn't want to go yeah i'm not saying she's faking it no no no i'm saying that sometimes a kid might i'm asking you does a kid cry so that mommy knows i'm gonna miss you uh yeah it's a really tricky question because i don't think this mom is doing this but so many times i've had

parents who come into the classroom like the child has come in happy they've walked away the parents not quite happy with the the wave with the quick wave goodbye and in they go and then they will come into the classroom and then the child is crying i wish there was another montessori teacher here for you two to high five and go oh my god in those moments you're like you are panicking because you're like but your kid was was fine. Yeah. You're making life difficult. And now they're upset. Now you've come into the classroom. Now, I don't think this mom is doing that. No, I don't think this mom is doing that.

But definitely, I've actually witnessed that. Yeah, it's so tough. In situations where people are leaving their kids with relatives even. Yeah. And they're waving them off and then. And coming back in for a few more hugs. Just wanted to say goodbye one more time. And it's like the kids.

Don't go. Yeah. It's like they're not yeah got the tears yeah now off we go but like you know this mom is wondering is it going to be detrimental here's what we need to remember there is a chance something has happened in this school okay they're more likely than not i'm thinking this is just a phase she made the mistake of going into the classroom. Her daughter wants her to keep doing that.

And she's going to have to go cold turkey, tell her kid, Mommy loves you. You go to school. I give you a hug. I come get you at home time. In you pop. You're safe with your teachers. Those teachers are so used to dealing with kids.

They will distract her and have her happy again in five minutes. But there is a chance that maybe something did happen in that school that is causing her daughter to be upset and she is too young to be able to vocalize that to her mom so I think a little meeting with the teachers no harm absolutely no harm just to ask them you know has something happened drop off and collection are way too frantic at that age early years so a little meeting would be perfect although I think she's young enough and old enough for a visual schedule

of her day a little picture schedule in her room of her waking up going to school getting collected coming home you know

story with mummy just so it's in her mind you know it's a big camera on a clipboard no no that's just in her room it's hanging in the room

yeah and you go waking up now we go to school. Don't forget, mummy gets you after school. And like letting your child know, I always come back. It's now and next. So many parents forget to do that. It's like, just remind them.

Just like, I love you so much. I think this is it. You get to go to school and have loads of fun. Then I come back and get you and we get to hook and go to the park. Also, that's a really good idea. Letting them know what's happening after school. So when I come back to get you, don't to hook and go to the park also that's a really good idea letting them know what's happening after school so when I come back to get you don't forget we're going to the shops you're going to help me in the shop so they feel like there's a role they have a job to play a role to play in the day and when you come and get them they're remembering to do that so many people going through this as you say you're never on your own no you're listening to

this now and you're going yeah we're going through this too yeah but ours is a little bit different yeah mail in yeah because this is the thing no two situations are the same while there are commonalities we had a little girl in our in our classroom a few years ago and what her mummy used to do was draw a little heart on the inside of her wrist and tell her when you miss mummy just give the heart a kiss and like the cynic in me was a bit like but it really worked it really worked like what i was a bit like oh there's a little heart in the wrist it worked so well yeah like i had to be like oh it's nice that you've taken it on board no it worked so well so that could work too draw a little heart in the wrist somewhere where they

won't wash it off when they have to wash your hands a million times like they always have to do at nursery and she can remind you know give it a kiss and mommy's with you all the time when i'm when i'm away doing shows yeah and i'm like these shows are really hard and you know being away from home is really hard i'll sometimes pull out a picture of you and I'll realise I'm actually getting a nice break here Okay after that doozy straight into question two and if you are

light of stomach you might want to avoid this one it regards scab picking, which isn't a completely rare thing, but I know I can't really think about that too much. But this person gets in touch and says, I have a question regarding breaking a scab picking habit my kid has. She unfortunately picks at her scabs with a reduced intensity to before but at the moment she has a scab in her finger caused by her picking at her finger that used to be a wound. Now I'm keeping it wrapped with medical tape and changing that every day and I'm rewarding her with a

chocolate in the morning and evening if the tape is still on her finger. She's generally not driven by rewards, so doesn't mind if she doesn't get the chocolate. This doesn't necessarily stop her from picking at the medical tape, but at least it's not causing her finger to be infected. Oh lordy. Do you have any suggestions on how I can break this scab picking habit of hers? I've spoken to her about it and why we shouldn't pick at our wounds but that just doesn't seem to be stopping her. It's not as bad as it used to be because she is now less anxious but I'd like to get on top of this. Thanks so much for all your help Anonymous. Well this is obviously a mom who's been back and forth with us and we've

helped her with a few different things with her little kid and she's delighted because this mom has really stepped up and has really found the bravery inside her that I always think parents need to do which is can I follow through on what I'm going to start doing with my kid and she has and it's made her feel great because she has done this she's helped her daughter by just you, putting in a few set strategies and being brave enough to do them and follow through. Now, this is such a tricky question because she is already doing what I would suggest her to do. She has a reward system in place. She is taping up the wound and making it harder for the daughter to get to and she's aware my daughter is anxious so i don't want to put too much pressure on her through this

i just need to help guide her the reward isn't the right one though this kid definitely has to be something she loves enough that she is willing you know there has to be something there has to be a reinforcer a tv show or a computer game something on youtube for five minutes a jelly there has to be something else that she really there's no way she doesn't like everything so i think she needs to find be careful yeah not to do a reward that induces anxiety yes that's true if it's like yeah it's a computer game we could well it's like five minutes of something or you know or you know a jelly or a crisp or hugs sometimes hugs are the best one kids or or like going to the park yeah that's the thing

that the reward won't be there like the reward reward has to be good enough for it to be like, I'd really loved it. Yeah, no, no. And it's time with my mom. As parents, we forget they love that the most. Like you've talked about rewards on the show before

and punishments not being so big that they end the kid's world. Yeah. But when you're trying to come up with the reward, I always find that this is a tricky one even now. You kind of can't come up with it in such a way that it's doable. Like you tell me.

Well, here's the thing. You want your child to work for a reward that you can phase out quickly and that the behavior just becomes normalized. So you need a reward chart for this. That's a visual for the child that will remind them as well what they're working towards. So this mom could have not picking out her finger chart, right? She could just do Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, reward day is Friday. Or Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, is Friday. Yeah. Or Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. And there's a little reward in the morning and evening.

You just make the chart yourself. And then the child gets a ticket. So they're physically seeing that they've accomplished something. And then they get their reward. It's really important, the visual, you know, the process, understanding that they earned this. It's really important. The visual, you know, the process, understanding that they earned this. It's really important. But also, you look so bored. No, I'm listening to this because I'm like, I'm not bored ever, Tina. I'm thinking, what mistake I'd make is that I'd make the daily reward so good that she wouldn't want the end of

week reward. You wouldn't need the end of week reward. She wants to give the reward in the morning and the evening. Right. It's different if you decide you get a reward on Friday. But if you're happy to give your child something in the morning and the evening, because the behavior is quite drastic like this, I'm for that. Then you could phase it out to, you know, okay, now, if you do what you're supposed to do every day on friday you get the

bigger reward and then you just phase out the charts and you never talk about them again you hope they forget and they're just doing it also very good at making the chart disappear you have to phase it out phase it out yeah and then when they go where's the chart you go oh yeah you just talk about something else because you want those charts to be powerful. You can't, like, if they're just something that's always around and always there, they have no respect for them. We've all been in those houses. Yeah, when there's like 10 different charts. 10 different charts.

And they're visible to visitors. They should never be visible. Really? No. You've got to keep them in a place where no one else sees them except you. Yeah. Is that because it's mortifying? Why would you want to shame your child?

And why does everyone who comes into the house need to know what they're working on? I mean, I once visited a school that I really wanted to send Mikey to. And in the classroom, they had everything each child was working towards. And to me, all it read was, these are the things these kids can't do.

And it was so public. And I was like, not the school for me. Yeah. And you're threatening. Yeah. But do you know what else? This mom's doing such a good job of bandaging up the finger, right? But obviously, that's quite fun too, to pick at. Yeah.

So she needs to invest in some actual fancy, fancy plasters that the little girl is so excited to have on her finger. Because she has to wrap it up. It's getting infected. But have you ever put a Spider-Man sticker on a kid? They don't want to take it off. They are so proud of it. They go around showing all their friends.

When it's the middle finger, it's brilliant. Check this out. They're devastated if it starts to peel or come off. And that could... What age is this kid? I'm not sure. I know she's small enough.

Okay. But like... There will be a frozen... Oh, there's going to be something or, you know, butterflies or hearts or maybe cars and footballs. Or Spider-Man.

Yeah, or Spider-Man. There's going to be some plaster out there that you can put on top of this that they're going to be so proud of they will not want to do. Right, okay. Also, if it's a hand thing, there are those really incredible rings now, if she's old enough to get that, where you can actually, you know, you spin your ring and it can, you know, distract from the picking habit.

It's just a finger busier yeah doing something with that energy you have that need but you're doing it to your ring and you're not hurting yourself in the process and but when do we get underneath and around to the end of this anxiety well i don't know because i think like this child has had so much stuff that anxiety is part of this kid at the moment. And like, I'm so happy that we're living in a place now where we're not expecting our kids just to stop being anxious, but instead we're helping them cope. I personally think there's too much psychology. Spoke to a person of the older persuasion this weekend. They said to me that there's too much psychology in the world

yeah because nobody needs any help right now okay well i hope that helps and of course we'll hear back from yeah i hope we hear back from that person but that mom's killing and she's doing such a good job hey guys love this show i know you don't normally do teenagers but i am desperate that's because we're afraid of teenagers we're super afraid of looking for advice on what to do when my 16 year old stepdaughter agrees to video my 14 year old beat the living jeepers out of my 13 year old holy crap holy now if ever we need proof of why teenagers are scary because of this type of question they then give her friend a play by play and let the 14 year old watch the video also when going through her phone to find the video i came across months and months of sneaking and lying behavior what are the appropriate consequences in this situation and

what are the appropriate punishment i don't know if you're gonna have an answer for me on this but i'd appreciate your thoughts oh my goodness open the wine hunker down this is the real deal tina holy moly okay i mean well first of all what's your experience with dealing with teenagers and child behavior? Because these early teenage years seem to be where they're pushing the boundaries of everything. I think you have to tread really delicately because you'll lose them so quickly if you go in hard and heavy. I think you have to act like, I don't know if you know that, you know, why this is wrong, but actually, you know, this is dangerous what you're doing. I mean, of course, you've just been sneaking on the phone yourself as the parent.

Yeah. Betrayed their trust. I thought you were going to say the thing that you used to do with circles with these toddlers, which was at the dinner table. You tell them a story about did you hear about this this kid is now going to jail for these things no no no no sorry this is legit okay that like shooting video without permission yeah uh resulted in this kid actually having to go to juvenile hall or whatever you call it juvenile detention center like that tina used to do these circles with these little kids where she was like talking about lying and i only saw it once i think i was there i was

drawing something for the school they wanted me to come in and draw something on the wall and uh i mean they get when it's about them yeah the toddlers are like oh this is about me that was me don't realize i'm the one that's telling all the lies she's talking about me when it's a teenager yeah so you got two two things to consider teenage do you need to make it very clear, as you would in previous episodes, where you've said, these are our family rules? Well, Jarlett, I'm so happy you brought that up because I was just thinking, straight away, there needs to be boundaries and rules in this house. Straight away, they need to come together and redress exactly the freedoms that these kids think they have

and let them know that in order for us to live respectfully together there are things in this house that has to go a certain way these are the rules and obviously affording them an opportunity to talk freely family meetings can be really hard when you actually have a behavior you need to get to the bottom of because you cannot react with anger and you have to be ready to sit there and listen to your child say something really obnoxious and not react to them because they're going to test you in those family meetings to see oh yeah how fair is this space going to be really we all have the time to talk and you're going to respect it. I'll see. So you've got to really arm yourself with patience before you sit in to that family reading. Because you've got to be ready to take a lot on the chin. And hopefully later you can laugh about it to your partner.

And you survived it too. Right. So what we've got here is somebody actually committing a violent act. Number one. Yeah. Then secondarily documenting it for entertainment purposes later. But that child is 16. How do they not know that that is so wrong? They know.

They don't care. They don't care. I mean, that's the the really when we say the scary thing about the teenagers it's like you know when people are shooting movies around different cities they say that like yeah they will work with the gangs yeah but they will not mess with the kids because the kids are lawless and they really do not care uh they're not they're like like the joker some people want to watch the world burn I think it is important for this mom to know that there are available resources out there to her as well,

like Jigsaw and Wayhead Therapy, where she can actually seek out different kind of meetups for kids this age, where they come together and they don't really realize that the whole... But the house is on fire, Tina. I know that that's all important, but I'm just saying... She's just realized just she's just realized that she's in a burning building yeah but she it's not too late it's never too late to seek out this yeah and what's done is done like this has happened now if uh you're right if you get on top of it happening again yeah what clarify yeah what's

okay what's not okay and maybe do the whole thing of how would you like if i was to beat you yeah and film it and disperse it among my friends you know we gotta have a yeah well they have to get on top of it because what's happened here is it's siblings and you can keep it within the house what happens next if it's friends then you've got other parents involved other grown-ups the school is involved i mean it's about to get very dangerous so she really does have to get a grip on it she needs to get the conversation open she needs to get the rules and boundaries reset and she needs to go for help she might even need to go to the school and meet with the senko and ask for help on this there's no that's very good there is no what's the word shame there's

no shame in asking for help you need it we all need it yeah like clearly if your kid is in school behaving like this this isn't their only time that this is happening or things similar to it are happening. And they might have just not reflected on how stupid this is to do this. You know, like kids do really stupid things and they don't reflect on the consequences. I think that consequences is the thing that I went to first because of the the permanence on your record of such a thing and that once you film it once you input it into a device there's a

footprint or trace of it somewhere in the cloud or the internet it's there, there's footage of you beating up someone else. Yeah. Forever.

Yes. Available somehow. Yeah. To be downloaded. So the aspirations and things you want in life. Yes. Are now potentially have a skeleton in their closet. And that's why I think she needs to go for outside voice, outside help.

Because I think sometimes I see it with our own kid. They really don't think we understand technology like they do because they've grown up with it they really are fluent in it and they see us struggle with it and try and understand it in a way that they haven't had to and i feel like a younger voice at the school or at a you know a counseling place will get through will reach them more than you will more than you will i feel like when it comes to teenagers you gotta tread so lightly because they will push you away very fast god i'm not looking forward to mikey being a teenager no i mean i really am i find it so terrifying because you want you just you just want them to be okay and you're just so

worried well we want to see spider verse cross spider verse this week and if you are with a teenage kid or a pre-teen even if you've just got a kid this is a pg movie yeah and it's been written by people that understand these worries it's so brilliant It's one of the best movies I've ever seen. It's so brilliant. I was in bits for the trailer. Yeah, parents cry a lot. If you just simply watch the trailer, maybe we'll just drop in that piece of audio here.

It's a special movie. Because it captures all of it. And also, at this age, when they're 12, 13, 14, there's very few things you can do in the cinema together as a family spider verse you can you can go as a family and you leave way reconnected yeah yeah what a movie i hope this helped this parent this is yeah i i we're going to hear back from this parent i'm going to send her over loads of links to those other services i mean it is a little bit i don't

have experience with people filming other people but all i can say is tread lightly seek outside help go to the school ask for their help that is they are there to help you don't even have to tell them the specifics no you just gotta raise it absolutely and get in there before something else happens at school because then you can say i came to you yeah i needed help i flagged that there was something going on here well that's it for the free version of honey you're ruining our kid for this week if you want to come on over to patreon.com forward slash irishman abroad you can get the extra large version we've got a bunch of extra stuff including those end of year exams what do you do when your kid is coping with that stress whether it's leaving sort of even just sixth class or even first class whatever year your

kid is in we've got to get on top of this first yeah or else it just becomes a thing they do every time yeah the exams arise stuff unhealthy patterns forming let's get in there and get stuck into it over on patreon.com forward slash irishmanabroad buyme.ie are our partners on this show head over download the app and use

our beautiful little offer code honey10 and let us know how you get on Tina it's not just on story it's woodies as well

and a few other things on there get your you can short out your whole barbecue thanks so much guys we'll see you next week

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