Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Ep 36 Arnold Schwarzenegger Home-Wrecking Kids! Motivating Talented But Lazy Kids To Work!

Episode Date: June 19, 2023

Today's episode begins with a warning to all men not to mess around with their house keeper. The cautionary tale of Arnold Schwarzenegger starts off this week's episode as Jar and Tina laugh about how parental fatigue gives you about 30 mins of tv before your involuntary coma begins! 3 great emails from 3 very brave people on the show this week. A stressed out dad gets in touch about trying to motivate his two teenage sons. The "Mary Black Approach" is born! Tina and Jarlath suggest setting up a rewarding motivator or goal for your child to work towards. Obviously the real drive has to come from within so Tina recommends making absolutely sure that your child wants to pursue this interest. How can we set about initialising a goal that will help them develop a habit of practicing and then mastering that skill. What is okay to demand from your child in terms of household chores and household respect? Does their age matter? What if they share their time between houses. The family meetings is the first port of call. Lay out the ground rules of what is the expected desired behaviour. Being very careful not to punish everything is key. Out of control adults are quickly disempowered. Jarlath bravely mentions Tina’s behaviour around her period and how himself and Mikey tend to manage it. What do you do when your child is throwing everything and breaking precious things about the house on a daily basis. Tina suggests that you need to redirect the child while giving them zero reaction for the projectiles. Instead provide the kid with loads of throwing opportunities throughout the day with balls. Praise their ability for throwing. Encourage them to throw the ball and have fun with the ball. Chat about what can be thrown and what can’t be thrown. No question is too big or too small get your emails into [e-mail]. Buymie.ie is our show sponsor and loads of the listeners are downloading the app and getting their groceries delivered around Ireland with it. Give it a go and download it in the app store today. To support the show creation directly and get access to loads of great bonus episodes and content go to www.patreon.com/irishmanabroad.

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You send in your emails anonymously to us here at honeyyou'reruiningourkid at gmail.com. And Tina, with her 20 years of experience in the biz of child behavior, education, early intervention and all the rest of it, has the answers. While I merely read them out and go, how do you know this stuff? Well, the email's been flying in as always tina we've got three great ones for people to enjoy people are really sharing now people are really getting in touch with hard stuff yeah and obviously you don't have to have them read out this is the thing that people don't realize that like tina will get back to everybody um and but you can say not to be read out and get the help you need because the whole thing here is that you're not alone in this and there's no judgment and you're not exactly you're not on

your own it's nothing we haven't seen before and we're all getting a good laugh out of it yeah well hopefully we're able to laugh the whole point you said at the start of this was to be able to enjoy your kids but i don't know if it's the weather or if it's the time of year the fact that the school year is coming to an end but i've got about 30 minutes after he goes to bed where i'm awake and able to watch something so tina made me watch arnold the arnold sports scenario because tina's a huge Arnie fan there is nothing as unattractive as Arnold Schwarzenegger in his bodybuilding prime I just struggle to believe

it she's not saying anything now I don't know what to say to that because I don't want to say anything bad about him but it's just not to my taste his body I mean why would you like my physique which is like the watery irishman physique i like watch models where there's there's myself and nula tolly

but you didn't say that you liked my physique i like your physique yeah you don't want any man is a watch model me and nula tolly used to have posters of watch models in our lockers it's mercy and uh yeah you're pretty good looking watch model but there's definitely no physique there's no physique there's no there's no there's not even a hint of a pectoral muscle on my body i think you're perfect but it you know it's a it's quite a sad documentary in so many ways because he blew it he fucked up big He messed up his whole beautiful family life by sleeping with the nanny. Yeah. Well, not the nanny.

I mean, we've all done it once. Oh, Gerry, not funny. I keep telling you this. It wasn't even the nanny. It was their housekeeper. Oh, right. So what's the difference? What's the difference?

That is so insulting to nannies who are like trained childcare professionals. It's still cheating is my point. Oh, okay. Sorry. It doesn't matter if it's the nanny or the housekeeper or somebody fixing the sink. I think it matters because the nanny you trust with your children that's a massive you know defeat

or no deceit. Deceit. But the housekeeper is nearly worse. Why? Because she's helping you take care of the family and she's going way too far in that role. Yeah. She's going way too far in that role. Yeah. She's going way too far. She's taking care of everything.

Well, the other side of it was he was quite a lecherous man from the 60s and he was grabbing butts and... Yeah, but it's so hard to watch it because it's beautiful and his life was really tough and, you know, there's all this. But you can't get... I just couldn't get it out of my head that he's married to the most amazing woman yeah like incredible lady kennedy he didn't just sleep with the housekeeper he had a baby but

he kept the child a secret within his household for 10 years darren like the child was up in the attic no like the child was around the place and he was just not telling his wife by the way that's my kid i'm always amazed by the ability of these men to keep secrets. Because I'm so bad. I just don't. I'm just like, I remember Reginald D. Hunter saying, he just couldn't understand Fritzl and his dungeon in the basement. Yeah, the joke is so good.

He was walking along with a load of lumber and somebody said, where are you going, Reg? He'd go, I'm building a dungeon. Oh, fuck. That's so good. but he said where are you going reg you go i'm building a dungeon oh fuck those are good i just never know where people get the time or energy that's always your thing i'm like where did they get the time the double life people tina's like i don't have time energy for this life how would i have time for a second i'm barely coping with this they're just about clinging on here yeah this podcast is the tipping point for us and hopefully it's the opposite effect i would recommend people watching arnold though i

thought it was really good the second episode was really good the first episode's a bit sad and it ends really sad he's very alone he's very alone very alone any fella that's listening to this thinking maybe i could have a double life for a bit on the side. He's full of regret, I think. You would be. He had the most amazing wife. And he misses her so much. Yeah. And well, what could she do?

He left her no choice. The other thing that came across in it was as well that he was absent a lot. Like she was raising the kids while he was off being governor. I always think it's really funny that Dylan Warren used to

open his show by saying Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California. That is a true sentence. It is absurd what he achieved. But in the meantime, basically didn't raise his kids. I think that we're there for our kids so much more than any other generation, even over the last three years of pandemic. so much more than any other generation even over the last three years of pandemic yeah we have been with our kids more than any set of parents maybe ever oh look this morning we turned up to support mikey in an event and he was disappointed to see us he was like guys can you just leave me alone for two minutes i told you i tried to warn you he was like he doesn't want us

to come there's gonna to be an eye roll when we arrive when we roll up here whereas I would have jumped out of my skin and hopped the fence if I saw my parents oh my god me too

and the only thing that was great was he said to me oh I actually forgot my money so can you buy me one of those crepes and I told Jarla I brought him up

and I was trying to be all nice and the guy serving the crepes possibly maybe 16 years old when Mikey left with his crepe said to me it'll get easier and the guy serving the crepes, possibly maybe 16 years old, when Mikey left with his crepe, said to me,

it'll get easier. He'll become nice again. How does a 16-year-old know this? A teenager who, like, just saw my child be really, like, ungrateful for the crepe. I don't think he was that ungrateful. Sure.

He said, thanks, Mom. See you later. Is that what he said what he said he left that bit out he said he got a chocolate crepe with marshmallows he walked off he left me see you later that's all i need you for i was like oh my god ungrateful is not something that i would connect with mikey but i guess they're all capable of it. Are you dealing with an ungrateful kid? Is that something we need to talk about later in the show? Let's try and get to it. But for now, we've got to get down to these emails because we've got some doozies for you this week.

Dear Tina and Charlotte, I absolutely love Charlotte's perspective on this show. No way. That must be a typo. Absolutely. No, this is correct correct they meant to type this so few dads out there using their voices so i really appreciate jarlet's honest approach god so many people are getting in touch status it's annoying it's uh it's a it's a problem people love the honesty i don't know if i'm putting too much pressure on myself with raising two boys 12 and 14 okay i'm feeling a lot of anxiety about how things are going here's

what's on my mind my kids don't seem to be self-motivated in trying new things gaining new skills i always feel like i need to encourage them by doing it with them once i stop they don't pursue it any further you write this question in there this is absurd because i feel this pain yeah it's like that's over with now i did that activity with my mom now i will never touch it again it's automatically uncool because my mom showed it to me for example my 12 year old boy wants to learn guitar but doesn't want to practice oh it's so tough little gen z motherfucker jordan you're becoming every time you say gen z i'm like you gotta watch it because that's you becoming middle-aged maybe maybe so but i love being old i'm absolutely dying to be old i can't wait i've said this so many times now i cannot wait to be so old that when i start talking nonsense people exchange

looks like let him off that's the age i want to be anyway he only practices if i force it on him meanwhile his best friend is making great progress and is practicing a lot. And it's probably very polite to you, I'd imagine. He's the most polite boy ever and he's practicing his guitar. My guy. It's very tough when you're faced with one kid doing it

and your own kid not wanting to. Look, I'm trying to be a father. Oh, this is from a dad, right? Okay, right. I didn't realize that. I'm trying to be a father. Oh, this is from a dad, right? Okay, right. I didn't realize that. I'm trying to be a father that lets them choose their own way. But by encouraging and spending time with them, hopefully they find something they find a passion in.

So far, I feel like I'm failing. Any help you could give, I massively appreciate it. I really think this is your question. 100%. Because, I mean, you face this with our little guy all the time like i wonder is it similar i wonder are these kids i know this is a very mom thing to say but our kid things come quite easy to our kid a lot of the time and that because he finds stuff easy he's unwilling to give it time and once you get him there he's happy

but he wants you doing it with him i wonder is it the same thing here's my prediction here i bet if we had this guy sitting opposite us yeah and we asked him when your little boy does something well what do you say oh you think it's what you did what does he say you are doing amazing this is fantastic i tried to warn you about over praising straight away charlotte's getting this is another told you so episode is it no but i did try and warn you about the over praising i told you that you have to just acknowledge what they've done in a nice way you just adore our little boys so much that you were always telling them things were amazing well i think that getting back to the question when your kid feels like they did it amazingly on the first go they think the challenge is over well they absolutely do i see it all the time but in

the high score and also they think this guy's happy with this. So they don't bother. And this goes all the way down. Oh, yeah. All the way down. Like if they draw something rudimentary and you go, that is wonderful. I'm going to hang that on the fridge and frame it. Why would I bother painting another house?

Well, what you do is, what you're supposed to do is you say thank you for showing me that i love it and that is enough for them to continue trying to impress you and you know and what's the word keep their skill going develop their skill but yeah you gotta be so we all do it like in the classroom i'm brilliant at it at home my own kid you're so so bloody you just want them to want to do it again that you just you think

if I just encourage him this bit more but actually has the opposite effect has the opposite effect it's also an 80s thing that you were raised in the 80s when

praise was you know just not doled out as we said like Arnold Schwarzenegger a lot of time your folks weren't there to give you the praise

so when they came home you were desperate to go look at the thing that I did i think this dad is gonna notice right away if he just rolls back some of the encouragement just hedge your bets hold your cards to your chest even if you think it's amazing tell him it's shit no money massive i was just gonna say we're not saying don't praise your kids. I'm not saying that. It's not that.

I'm not saying that. Yeah, we're saying praise them carefully in a very measured way. You see, Tina knows this from her training, but I know it from living through what this dad's been through, where you're just like, OK, I. If I if I lean back and I sit back he'll do more it's excellent advice but you know it's very hard to follow through when it sounds like this dad much like yourself is a dad who just wants to be there and part of everything and is actually giving up his time when he doesn't even have the time sometime to do it that's amazing and very hard as a dad to take when you're like i'm trying so hard i'm here when i really shouldn't be and

you guys don't even appreciate that that's very tough well the example and the sport that i adore people might know is basketball and the dream was to have a little boy that wanted to play basketball yeah and for many years i put the ball in his hands. I showed him the hoop. I put the ball in the hoop with him. We have the most hilarious videos. Funniest footage ever of him rejecting and shunning the ball, no matter how many times I gave it to him. Him throwing it to one side and going over and playing with the gravel instead.

Now he's obsessed with it. Yeah. instead now he's obsessed with it yeah and even then i have to be so careful that like when he goes i'm gonna go out and shoot shots the temptation for me to go i'll go too let's play together oh my god shooting hoops like i've been sitting in this very office that we're sitting in right now hearing the ball bouncing outside and it takes everything in me yeah you're such a nice to just leave them at it like one of the beauties of things like guitar and basketball is that it keeps you company yeah when you're by yourself yeah and i think that the dad is onto this this guy already knows he already knows where passion emanates from it's yours it's not anyone else's nobody imposes passion upon you he finds it i didn't no one i knew played basketball

no one i didn't know a soul who shot hoops but it just was the thing for me my father didn't know anyone in the horse racing industry yeah but he left home at 13 because he was like i'm in love with this if you're there on his shoulder every time he doesn't have the opportunity to fall in love because there's someone there going isn't she gorgeous it is just this thing though it is something from our childhoods that we thought we were lacking and i think we've generally all overdone it a bit with how involved we are in our kids lives because we feel like we just didn't have it and i'm saying that in the general we yeah because i'm aware my mom listens to this show i'm not saying it to you mom yeah i'm just saying in the general we, we felt like they weren't there.

And now we've all gone too far. And that's where this term helicopter parenting comes from. I don't think helicopter parenting is that bad a thing. I think, obviously, you have to be careful of how involved you are in your child's life. Absolutely. I think this dad sounds like a wonderful dad, but you're right. He's got to step back a bit because he's not giving them the time to be independent and find their own thing what was the thing that you looked at when little tina was knocking about the place and nobody was around but you saw the

thing and you went oh my god i love that i guess it would have to be Irish dancing. Irish dancing. I loved Irish dancing. And where did you see it first when the light went on? In school. Baby infants, I think. Baby infants. Yeah. I did dance since I was five, four or five. So you saw it and were like, I'm doing that.

Yeah. I'm having some of that. Yeah, and I feel like... Was it the dresses or just the dancing itself? Pure dance. I think I definitely loved to dance. And my mom was really good about bringing me to different dance classes think i definitely love to dance and my mom was really good about bringing me to different dance classes i remember going to ballet hating it so

boring very stiff whereas um irish dancing you're just allowed to throw your legs about the place straight away and i loved it and i that was something i very much was happy to practice every single evening remember we sent mikey to irish dancing classes in england yeah and it was really sad because he loved irish dancing but she wouldn't because he was a boy she wouldn't let him dance with the girls he had to dance on his own all the time and he was so self-aware then yeah i mean we'd never get him to do it now but he had such good rhythm in his feet like he definitely should have done tap yeah anyway we're getting so sidetracked i think this dad is incredible incredible dad he just has to pull back a bit and hope let them let them be free like this what i'm saying with that air tag thing and stuff right we're not letting our kids be free enough but here's the thing he's listening to this now going

the issue isn't freedom the issue is work ethic yeah well that's a worry all the time now that is a worry that is a worry yeah that is like well i can instantaneously have the thing i want delivered to the house by amazon tomorrow yeah whereas we grew up going well maybe if i save i know all of the money i find down the back of the couch someday or on the street or on the street or in the back seat of cars i can somehow afford the magazine that i once saw if it's there we were all into saving it so well henry hippo did a good job on us i guess look it's that deferred gratification is the concern here is like the work towards the thing and it's a general concern and i may have called him a gen z mf earlier i'm sorry for calling you son it is a real worry because they don't seem to think they have to work to do anything

like i know i'm generalizing too but it's it's a real worry like we're being faced with it ourselves we tried to put in some extra jobs for mikey to do and we said maybe we'll give you pocket money and he tried to bargain for more pocket money for less jobs i was like what the fuck that's what we're looking at yeah um so if you're experiencing something similar maybe we can all find an answer to this i personally think that it is about the practice yeah that if you want your kid to understand the meaning and the value of hard work they are not going to lick that off the ground it needs to be rehearsed over and over what strategy can we give this dad first of all if he really wants the guitar thing to happen he's gonna have to sit down with his kid and go do you actually want to play this instrument yeah is this something you want and then he's going to have to set up a goal for him because obviously practicing is not

something innate in him that he wants to do some kids will some kids won't so he's going to need to set up a reinforcer something that will make him want to practice because he's going to earn something by the end you know we know about danny from the carolers who mary black had to pay yeah to play the piano incredibly talented yeah that's very hard to watch when you know your child is super talented you told me this in an interview that she paid him a five or a week to go to his lessons yeah and if that's what you have to do for a little while it'll only be a little while because then they'll realize oh i actually love this like it kills the mary black approach we'll call it yeah let's go let's call it the mary black approach love it give it a try

let us know how you go jarentina i try talking to my friends about this but they think i'm being way over the top always a good start to an email somebody being accused of being over the top all my life i have been told jar you're being over the top and i contend everybody else's top is too low i actually i'm always amazed when people say you're over the top because you're so chill a hundred percent it's like your top's too low everything is over the top to you yeah yeah yeah i can't stand being accused of being over the top especially when i'm just trying my best yeah or being thoughtful anyway back to this email my problem is this when you find out later that your kid has broken a rule when and how do you

address it he isn't always with us because of shared custody so I can't always say something right away here's a scenario I have a very strict rule about leaving foods open in the kitchen because I don't want insects. Okay, fair enough. And also, it smells. I'm adding that in myself. Yeah, yeah. Food open is just like wasteful. I am eager to know how old the kid is.

Okay, here we go. My eight-year-old will leave a bag of chips or donuts wide open in the pantry or eat a cookie without a plate, leave sugar and crumbs all over the kitchen floor. And I've explained to him why we don't do this, why we don't leave food open in the kitchen or anywhere in the house for that matter. I started throwing everything away that he leaves open what else can i do i'm at the end of it i don't know where to turn i feel like he just thinks i'm a hard ass and there's nothing i can do yeah that's a really tough one because uh you are being a hard i think it's a it's a lot for an eight-year-old. No, I don't. I don't.

I disagree. You go first. Okay, well, I have to come down really, like, my belief system on the whole punishment later. I'm sorry. The moment's passed. You can't do that. If you don't catch him in the moment,

that's just unfair to an eight-year-old child. What about it? You can't be like, oh, you're welcome home from your father's house. By the way, three days ago, you left this bag of crisps open and now you're punished. No, you can't do that. Well, can you punish them at the end of the day? But she's saying she's not seeing him. So she's noticing when he's not there.

I mean, I just think that that's not okay. Okay. And I don't think he should be getting punished for leaving food open. This is like that email the other day where the kid was weeing all over the bathroom. Remember that one? And we told her to go and get one of those Target stickers for the back of the loo to get him to aim his hose. She was taking personal offense. She thought he was weeing all over the floor on purpose as an FU to his stepmom.

Yeah. In reality, he was just probably just being really careless yeah this kid is treating my house like a hotel he is fully not caring about he just knows somebody's gonna clean up after me yeah like i think and i think that's a fair call at eight at eight at eight to be like no you can't leave stuff all over the shop but you do that now so should i just start throwing out your stuff tina like imagine i threw out everything for you you do it too but it doesn't annoy me no no let's seriously how do we help her i feel like um punishing and just um is not the way to go here uh i feel like constructive help would be better like you know if he's leaving things open

get some pegs show him how to seal bags make it fun like well tell him what you're expecting of him and then show him a solution to how to achieve that. You know, kids aren't great at reclosing crisp bags and twisting things. So if you want that stuff, you've got to give them something to help them actually achieve it. Okay. And here's my contention. I think it's because it's such a small thing. You're dismissing it. it's such a small thing you're dismissing it and that if it was like what behavior would you think is okay to ask of an eight-year-old he's leaving the fridge door open when he makes toast yeah he

puts crumbs all over the shop yeah or when he comes in he throws his clothes all over the house i mean that's a big problem. Loads of kids do that. Clothes everywhere, shoes everywhere. Towels on the floor. Don't put anything away. I mean, this email is a really important email for so many parents. It is. It's not just about crisps and crumbs and insects.

This is about sitting down, family meeting. Yeah, we love the family meeting. About what's okay. Yeah, but Geraldine, I'm absolutely fine with her expecting that behavior from her kid i'm not okay with her punishing it that's not if you're punishing your child for leaving a bag of crisps open what what next where do you go from there where do you go from there what do you got left he's not going to take you seriously about anything because he's like there's no pleasing this woman yeah like i mean you got to come in with as much as it's driving you bananas and it would drive me bananas too you got to come in with a constructive solution you got to be like

you know make sure he does it you know make sure if you see it and he's there get him to do it but you can't punish that i just think you're not gonna be able to punish anything if you start punishing stuff like that it's like that substitute teacher that comes in shouting and roaring oh yeah and everyone's laughing everyone knows they're like yeah he's played all his cards yeah it's nowhere there's no height left in the you're so right it's so funny they said Those kids sent straight away. This guy's got no power. There's nothing.

Doesn't believe in himself. He's already strung out. We haven't sat down yet. It's true. Like, we don't know how bad it is, but I just feel like if he's away in another house, the first thing you do when he comes back can't be, by the way, you left this place and shit.

I think if you see it before he goes, make him clean it before he goes. Or you could do like the Clampers do. Take a photo of what he left behind yeah my god I got done by a clamper the other day

at a flipping funeral at a funeral and I said it to him and the lad went oh Jesus I'm so sorry I didn't realise so I'll cancel that for you

in his hole he cancelled it and I rang the people and put in the he said all you have to do is contest it and then it'll be gone i'll make sure that don't be rewrote down send me an email going oh no you definitely parked wrongly but we're not the only ones he gave it's awful like outside a funeral home

yeah like whatever about us we did park illegally and this is the point. This kid is doing wrong things. You're saying there can't be a punishment unless the punishment is on the spot. It's an on the spot fine. I don't think it's a punishment on the spot either. I just think correct the behavior on the spot. Just say, oh, look, come back here. You haven't put those away. How many times does he have to do it for it to warrant a punishment?'m sorry that's why you're going to switch it up a bit that's why you're going to be like i know you find it hard

to remember to do this so i got these pegs it might make it easier for you to close them and this is where they go have the family meeting talk about it but i'm sorry punishing a kid for leaving biscuits open that's not okay in my book because it's just you're going to be powerless yeah when he does something actually wrong you're going to be powerless. When he does something actually wrong, he's going to be like, well, fucking hell, I can't do anything right. I can't even, I get in trouble for biscuits, so whatevs. Do you see yourself doing this at all?

What, to Mikey? Yeah. Punishing him for stuff like that? I make him come back and do it. Sweating the small stuff. Oh, it kills me, yeah. But I just go, come back and do it dishwasher every morning and do you think that puts you in a position of not being able to pull him on the

big stuff oh i'm well able to pull him on the big stuff too i don't punish mikey for the small stuff i just make him do it okay but i'm just saying he doesn't like me sometimes in those moments things um but i'm like i'm sorry unacceptable i think as well if i put my hand up and go if i pull them on the small stuff if this this is the difficult situation with this mom that she doesn't have another policeman there's no bad cop good cop there's no other cop jarlett without ragging on you you are the worst you don't even notice when i'm trying to call you for help without ragging on you and the sentence begins you are the worst you are terrible i'll be looking at you like pleading for you to have my back help me and you're like oh did something happen oh did something happen

i'm like you didn't even notice you didn't even notice what happened. What fucking hope do I have? But I'm in the middle of my computer game tonight. With my best friend. Who's Mikey. Oh God. This morning you were giving us both filthies. Neither of us knew what it was about. We're just sitting at the countertop watching videos. And you're standing there like shooting

daggers through both of us i'm like did you do something i was just sitting here this see this is unfair that you're on this eco begging with him and it's definitely he believes it if i give out to him he looks to you like oh she has her period is his new thing he keeps saying and yeah i know you're telling him as well no no no no no no here's what i said to him around that right and let's see what other dads what their dialogue is right off topic so i say now her period is coming oh my god by the way jarnett always knows when my period's coming before i know i know and i will say to him so her period is coming what does that mean he'll say and i won't even say what he says right but i'll say none of the emotions are wrong what it means is she has a quicker access to them and zero doubt in them that like she knows that she feels all these things all the time but when that's coming she has clear access

they're at a finger they're at their fingers above the button at all times and i said the emotions aren't wrong yeah she's just accessing them quicker yeah so as a you can't say she's being irrational these are things she feels all the time but when that's coming she's quicker to get to them and tell you where she's at yeah i actually there's this theory of embracing it as your superpower that's what i'm saying and uh but i think i'd have no friends she's more in tune with what she really thinks yeah and what she really feels that's all i say to my clarity is very clear but my tolerance is very low yeah and but that's also just there's a lack of hesitation around it that like you're like well i think that's bullshit yeah and i guess

i'm gonna tell you on my personal level and it's different for all women of course because i can't actually get pregnant i really get angry when i have my period because i can't get the doctors to just get rid of it they won't do it because it interferes too much with whatever and because there's no baby coming at any you're like what's the point of this i get fucking the rage that comes on me is a lot good to know thanks for clearing that up anyway hopefully this is a help i think we've definitely helped here uh side note you've helped my period is due today charlotte is well aware of this and he's living in fear every moment uh look we have to help this woman with a strategy. I think she needs to have a family meeting. I mean, she needs to talk to him about how it makes

her feel. It's very important that children understand the reason for your mood. He just thinks you're being irrational. You're not. It's actually upsetting you. And he deserves to know that you deserve to be heard. But punishment's not the way. Give him a solution. Get the pegs, get the ziploc bags get something and say to him it would make me really happy if you could consider my feelings and start doing this then when you notice in those moments he's not doing it call him back and get him to do it make the habit happen but i don't think you can punish that kind of stuff i just that's just my opinion i'm bobby i'm'm real Donald Trump there. That's just my opinion.

No, I think it's a fair cop. This kid is still eight. He's only eight. And at the end of the day, if you don't catch him in the moment, you kind of got to let it go. And that could help so many parents because retrospective punishment

is where the sense of injustice comes from with a lot of kids. It's like, but that's so long ago. Or even when they're really small, they're like, I don't even remember doing that. And sometimes as well, it's worth her knowing how unconscious the behaviour is. I'm not saying it's right. He's in your house. He should be thinking.

There should be more respect. That's why the family meetings are important to explain, over-explain. Get the explaining in, Gerard. You're doing cheeky faces. Sometimes I feel like you're addressing these to me a lot of time close the crisps a lot of the time jarlet and tina have you any advice on how i can get my two-year-old to stop throwing things? Literally throwing the toys out of the pram. That's what's going on in this question. I realized that he will probably grow out of this.

Probably. It's true. You don't see people just walking around throwing stuff at each other. I love that. He will probably grow out of this. And it is probably very normal for a child of his age. But it's becoming a bit of his age but it's becoming a bit of a problem he's throwing everything in caps this is the fact that

they're emailing in will tell you how significant this problem is he has broken so many things oh no lord so he's thrown fragile stuff as well and it. And it's recently just been his birthday. And I don't want him breaking any new toys he has gotten. Well, probably by the time we read the email out, those toys will probably have been broken. Kaput. Well, I think you've got to buy a lot of soft toys to start with. Just say what age he is. Two.

Oh, two. Oh, okay okay so very normal phase yeah it's also got to the point where he throws things at his younger cousins who are only babies and no matter how many times i try to explain that it's wrong he doesn't listen and instead smiles at me i love this kid i also need footage of this how can i get him to stop how do i get him to take me seriously see there's the bigger question yeah right she wants to know well listen to me yeah stop it well you know there's lots of positives here one of them being that's a really great skill to have a good arm he's got a good skill going on at two a lot of kids still can't throw things at four you've seen that this terrifies me that tina's explained to me that since the pandemic she sees kids coming in

prior pandemic prior pandemic kids that can't do basic skills hands and fine motor and gross motor so this would be a huge gross motor thing that in nursery and play group and montessori you got to work on you got to make sure children are able to throw and kick that's actually a thing on the curriculum right so it's i think you know as annoying as it is he is a cop he is establishing a really important skill right so what do we do we got to redirect it we got to make give him opportunities we're throwing is appropriate fun and he understands yet these things can be thrown these things can't let me ask you have you seen this before oh yeah so much so much with two-year-olds oh yeah of course i mean we all know the two-year-old who fires her dinner off the oh yeah i remember somebody emailing in was that a friend of yours i don't know that the kid was taking like they go out for pancakes and the child would take such pleasure in frisbeeing them yeah yeah they do it

they do it it's so funny because what do they get when they throw a huge reaction don't throw it huge reaction and the thing is this child is probably throwing from a high chair too or whatever what you have to be careful of is not fetching and bringing back to them yeah because then you are the dog yeah you're consolidating like this is a good idea i'm gonna give it back to you again here throw it again is what you're saying so then you'd have a relation yeah who goes who is like, oh, S&T gas. And you're like, he's not gas. He's smashing up my house.

He's breaking everything. This is not fun. And you are here for 10 minutes. It might be crack for you, but you're undoing all the work I've done around telling him that throwing shit everywhere is not okay. So you just have to give him throwing opportunities you got to go with it like first of all you got a basketball you got to be careful with how big your reactions are to when he throws and breaks things okay you got to give it nothing because essentially all he's after is that reaction right he's finding it funny he's enjoying the process of breaking stuff when he throws right then you got to get him loads of different balls or something you know do loads

of balls rolling throwing have opportunities when you see him going to throw you have to say remember we don't throw this we throw balls let's go throw balls does this work yeah i do this with my kids all the time that's not for throwing what do we throw we throw balls that's what we throw and go and do that throw balls together like you could have an amazing um baseball player on your hands here absolutely give them loads of different ball opportunities there's so many things you can get you could what country is this person from do we know I have no idea I think they're American but you can you can even get those nets now with all the different holes in them for throwing the balls. And you can just get a bucket and get them to throw balls in the bucket.

Just give them loads of throwing. They're not going to stop throwing. Throwing is something in them at that age he wants to do. He's repeating it because at that age they've got this gorgeous focus where when they want to accomplish like a skill they will repeat children love repetition because they're like they actually have an innate desire to perfect it so he wants to throw things so give him things that are appropriate to throw give him loads of praise then when he's throwing those he throws in the right brilliant to throw and look at you you're so good at throwing the ball you're saying he'll still keep throwing

from the high chair yeah even when you're going let's go play baseball let's throw the balls in the oh yeah he loves throwing i think you're gonna have to ignore it quite firm with ignoring what he throws and saying we don't throw that member we throw balls easier said than oh it's gonna take a lot of work but it will work i i often do this and you guys are well used to what's about to happen what i would do yeah with my untrained capacity and i'd say the temptation with this mom is yeah if you're in your high chair yeah and you throw something it's gone well i have just told you to that, but I wouldn't go that forcefully with a two-year-old. Oh, no, it's gone.

It's gone. You threw it away. I have said you have to be careful. Like, if you give it back to them, of course they're going to throw it again. So if they throw it off their high chair, it has to be gone. That's gone now. Okay. Yeah.

So I'm not a million miles off the mark there. No, but you shouldn't be. But just don't be so mean. I'm not saying you should ever give your child throwing opportunities from a high chair anyway. I'm saying during the day, let's talk about, you love throwing. Let's go throw the ball.

Let's throw the ball here. Let's throw the ball in the bucket. Let's do this. Let's roll the ball. Let's catch the ball. Balls are for throwing. And then if he has like, what other thing can they have?

Building blocks. Blocks aren't for throwing. Blocks are for building. Let's go get the balls because that's for throwing. Then if he has like Lego. Lego's not for throwing. Remember, balls are for throwing. Lego's for building.

It's just establishing in his head what's acceptable to throw and what's not acceptable to throw. Tina hates surprises. I do. I hate surprises. Go on. You hate surprise anything. Yeah, I don't like surprise anything like literally oh well also you know those videos on tiktok where people go yeah that's tina's idea of

hell well my dad did that to you and you already fell down the stairs no no no way worse that was the worst one that's ever happened two weeks ago was way worse than that what was that i'm just packing the washing machine i've checked the room because Jarlett loves sneaking into the room. Loves it. And he's not there. I turn around and he's like face to face with me. I mean, I have an issue with my heart. I've been told to avoid frightening films and stuff.

He frightened the shit finally showed me. I screamed for 10 minutes solid. You know when somebody goes, Tina held it. She held the note. I had to lie on the floor. Anyway, I was just going to say, I'm going to throw a surprise question at you here

in the middle of this. Because plenty of parents maybe have something similar to this, that it isn't throwing blocks, throwing toys and that, but it's throwing food. which is that a different is there a different approach on that because the throwing of food or even the flipping of the fork yeah which is you know we all enjoy doing at the time you were so tired of the fork and also the sippy cup. Well, it's just, oh, Mikey did that also.

Oh, my God. He used to do the noise. But it's just giving it nothing. You just give it nothing. Is that the center of this? And with the sippy cup, I always just pop it back on. I'd always pop it back on, but I wouldn't say anything about what happened. I walked over to the sink and I would empty it down the sink.

Oh, Charlie, you're so full of shit. It's gone now, it's dirty. Yeah, no, you were always way nicer to Mikey than me. But I would just pretend I didn't notice that the food was flung everywhere. I would try my best to get some kind of food into him. And every time he threw the sippy cup, I'd just put it back on and give it nothing. Because all he wanted was the laugh he got when his fecking nanny. And he'd go, nanny.

And he'd do it and she'd be like, oh. Now he thinks i'm hilarious he was funny though i hope that's a help let us know please do email back i hope this person you've you've messaged them you send them a voice note i did i i gave them loads of techniques about redirection essentially it is redirection redirection is your most powerful tool as a parent as in a teacher sometimes you don't have to give out sometimes you don't have to waste your day i need to remind myself of this a lot sometimes somewhere else just changed her look at this thing if you like if it's not a behavior that's dangerous

just refocus them because you're just going to waste a lot of your own time they're going to cry a lot and they're probably not going to listen whereas you can just refocus them and they've forgotten about what they've done

and you can talk about it later that's it for this week and honey you're in your kit Tina thanks so much for doing this we're not going to leave you

I mean the plan is this show runs to the turn. Yeah. But as we all know, the summer holidays, you may need this show more than ever. Yeah, so I don't think we're going to be weekly, maybe bi-weekly during the summer.

Maybe. Or whenever we can get a chance, because our summer is a bit mad. Summer is mental. Yeah. And look, you've less time as well. You're going to be entertaining. But we will get round to doing podcasts but what i definitely will do is you send me those emails and i will

still answer them in the summary because uh i'm happy to do that we've two shows left before those holidays arrive so now's your chance to get it in get it off. Yeah. Even if it's not your kid. Oh yeah. If you want to send us. We get loads of questions. Oh really? Yeah. See I don't read the emails. Yeah. Tina writes the emails.

We get loads of questions from aunts and uncles. From friends of parents. Yeah. We got a lot. And also people who are hosting parties. How do they handle kids who are coming to their parties? We could do a whole episode on that. Yeah.

End of year party. We want to hear from you honey. You're ruining our kid at gmail.com buyme.ie is our chosen partner on this show yeah and you can get a handy little 10 euros off your first grocery delivery from dunce stores at buyme.ie and by entering the offer code honey10 in the app you know know what to do. You know how it works. Download the app. Use that. Register your account. It's actually a brilliant app.

I actually love it. It's actually brilliant. I love when people say that. I always feel weird talking about it because they are sponsoring our show. But they're actually great. We've linked up with them because we really like the service. So I don't mind talking about them is what I'm saying. I actually think they're great.

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