Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Ep 37 Answering Your Kid's Awkward Questions, Body Image & Rejection

Episode Date: June 26, 2023

The school holidays are finally here and it's your job to entertain these little darlings 24/7! The panic is real. As are the emails that have been filling up Tina's inbox about what the hell to do when your circus comes to town and you're the chief plate spinner. As always there is 3 big questions on 3 thorny issues and a few big laughs thrown in. There's even a bit of RTE chat thrown in to help you explain to our kids the value of putting your hand up when you screw up. Great kid, terrible sense of humour? What do you do when your child is a little angel but makes terribly hurtful jokes at your expense? Tina thinks boundaries are the key while I think education comedically will produce an understanding of where the line is and when to cross it. Is a family meeting or a Billy Connolly DVD the answer? A worrying question or a sign of the times? What do you say to your 3 year old kid when they ask you, "Am I fat?" We hear from a family where a very young child has suddenly become body conscious. Is it best to ignore this? When does this disturbing question from a small child warrant more attention? Tina explains the need to refocus their interest on food and its function as fuel for the body to build, repair and run. What do you do when your family rejects your child? A parent gets in touch for advice on how to deal with the rejection she suffers at the hands of her relations. Her extended family have zero interest in getting to know her child. Recently her child has become aware of this. The feeling of rejection is deep. How do you guide your child through this? Without a doubt, this is one of the toughest questions we have received to date. Get in touch with any advice you have or questions for Tina by emailing - [e-mail]. Also what are your summer family-life-hacks? Is there a shortcut to an easier summer we could all use? Let us know. (Download the Buymie.ie App and take the stress and expense out of stocking your house with groceries this summer.)

Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid with Jarleth and Tina. A Go Loud Parenting Podcast proudly sponsored by Buy Me. The only way to get done stores delivered to your door in as little as an hour. Shop the full range of grocery products handpicked by your Buy Me personal shopper. T's and Z's apply. It's Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, the parenting podcast from the Irishman Abroad Podcast Network and Go Loud. Tina is here. Tina, thank you so much for joining me for this episode of the podcast as we really get close to summertime.

I know. And the summer holliers. Big time. When the real parenting begins. I know. Malheurs. Big time. When the real parenting begins.

I know. What you've been doing for the last while, if you've got kids in school, is going to feel like a cakewalk compared to what's about to hit. I think so, and I feel kind of bad that we're not going to be doing the weekly episodes. You need to flag this, that this show goes to term. We're going to throw up episodes during the summer, though, because the emails are flooding in. Yeah, I know a lot of parents panicking about how to manage up episodes during the summer though because yeah the emails are flooding in yeah i know a lot of parents panicking about how to manage their kids over the summer and i think that um i i wanted to just say that we will of course you're not on your own answer any emails that come in yeah but we'll probably be only doing one episode in july and august i think well here's the thing you i used to do this joke

that um homeschool was definitive proof that the teachers aren't the problem i think we all learned that during homeschool it's our shitty kids yeah they're like what the teacher's doing down at that school i mean we got them back to our house and we realized they're trying their best. Yeah, and look, the inside to the inside of that joke is I was one of those teachers who got to be in the staff room where teachers were high-fiving each other of who your kid is at home versus who your kid is at school. We're really in a week of people presenting themselves as one thing and then perhaps earning more money. What could you possibly be talking about? They really let people to believe

and that is you know that's a problem in relationships in families and it's a problem with kids our first question is going to be around this subject but you must have seen parents come to you at the school tina where you're like he had a great day and the parents are like he's being good oh in school all the time he's a nightmare in my house but those parents are great they're the honest parents they're the ones with their hearts on the sleeve it's the parents who you try to talk to and they're like well he has never done that or anything like that and you're like oh so the other way around where they're like going he's a beautiful child who's a delicate petal at home where you know they're being toughest on him and yet they're the ones

you can't reach you can't talk to them they're protective to the point of they're not really protecting their child they're protecting themselves yeah and their reputation yeah but that guy who you are um hinting at there i mean i think you know we've all known for a long time that that guy's a bit well anyone who judges though this is the thing it's like

anyone who's in the game of judgment is leading themselves to a place where they can't have faults or make mistakes and like

in my game as a comic I've only just gotten good at going I I'm a silly Billy. Yes. I'm a doofus. Yeah. Don't take me seriously.

I might say something on this podcast that you go, yeah, but you said that. And I'll be like, yeah, but like, I'm a completely unreliable resource. Yeah, well, I'm forever saying this. I'm like, don't listen to him. He's a clown. Yeah. And it's a comedian. But more so like Ryan Tuberty isn't a clown.

Like not in. I was going to say not intentionally. Yeah. But, you know, if he. This is very Irish centric news right now. No, but what I'm saying is whether it's Ryan Tuberty or Tiger Woods. Yeah. Or, you know, Prince Harry.

Or, you know, Prince Harry. If you're leading by example for your kids, that you can make mistakes. You are human. And that trick is to hold your hand up when you make one. Absolutely. Own it. We're forever trying to get that message across. And similarly, these parents that are going, well, my child is an angel at home, so I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah.

At school aren't owning the fact that, you know, this is a challenge at all times. Yeah. And you wonder what is it that they can't do? It's themselves. It's ego. They're afraid that you're going to judge their kids' behavior on them. And that's the enemy. Whereas every teacher knows, look, we know you're trying your best if you're trying to help you through

this and if you're really honest with the people that are looking after your kids whether they're child minders yeah or teachers it's going to go better yeah it's just going to go better honesty is key but uh what do you see more what did you see more often in that time that you were in school something long ago i mean we really only started this podcast a year ago yeah we're But what do you see more? What did you see more often in that time that you were in school? It's not that long ago. I mean, we really only started this podcast a year ago. Yeah. We're massively grateful to all of you guys for listening.

But, you know, Tina spent so many years with parents at the gate and in and out. Would you see more parents who are professing absolute ignorance to their child doing anything wrong or more parents astonish that their child is really well behaved in school always the ignorance the the rare the rarity is that how you say that the what's always the ignorance what do you mean well it's always the parents who are pretending like but he said that's more common yeah always always very very very odd time you'll have the parent who's like i don't know what to do with him this is really tough okay honesty among parents is is our parents are the hardest part of teaching is having to go to the parent because you know straight away they become protective of their child once they're in

protective mode they're very hard to reach so you have to learn ways to come to them where they don't feel like they're in defense mode and i'll counter that by saying on behalf of all those parents that are in these conversations with these teachers i would say that you are not the exception but a teacher like you who is understanding and accepting and not intimidating yeah is pretty not uncommon but that's what some of these parents are perhaps coping with yeah is that if they did say well ourselves we know these teachers exist yeah so if you did say to them again i'm speaking on behalf of the parents who are going no i can't be totally honest with the teacher about him pooing in the sink and throwing his dinner across the room every evening yeah that teacher is going to judge me yeah and we know yeah that teachers do make judgments not

all teachers but yeah i think there is a fresh batch of teachers who are coming true, like myself, who are far more interested in the behavioral and the whole overall. Yeah. What's that word? The 360 degree view. But the nurturing approach to a child. Sure. Like even in my time as a teacher, it has, you know, now, straight away you wonder, you're told to.

What else is happening? What kind of mourning has this child had? Who is coming in? Remember, they're arriving to school after having a day at home. You know, we don't know how it's gone. So if they're coming in and they're wrecking the place, that's just for a moment. Consider, maybe they've had a tough start to their day that was not part of the dialogue 10 years ago yeah and it is so much that's great so much healthy i love hearing that because i know

when i worked in an office i would have had such a day by the time i got there i did feel like wrecking the place on arrival literally just taking everything off my desk and sweeping it onto the floor picking up the water yeah and i would always ring the parent as well if the child in my class was having a particularly tough day you give them both i'd give them a buzz and be like look is there anything you need to tell me about that happened so that i can have a better understanding of why your child like you know because the kid deserves that they have no way of you know they don't know what they're coping with well we're going to talk a lot about what's coming in terms of the summer holidays we're going to get straight to question one but you know that discombobulation that you

can feel when you go wow i really only got to see my kid from four until eight most days and now this is who they are it's summertime yeah and i feel like the only positive thing we can say to parents about any of this is actually you know i i always feel awkward about talking about our sponsor but if ever there's a time by me is going to be your friend it's summer holidays when you do not have time for this stuff. You're so good at bringing in the sponsor, Tina. Well, I'm not because I feel awkward about it. But honestly, Buy Me is going to save your day a few times. Getting your groceries delivered.

Unless you need time away from your kids, which you may. Buy Me is going to be really helpful to you this summer. Getting your stuff delivered. Delivered anywhere in Ireland. Some cases in under an hour yeah but you don't have this nonsense of going on the app and being like okay i hope tomorrow at three o'clock i can get this it's like you go on the app and buy in within two hours time you've got your you've got your stuff by me isn't the answer to all of your parenting problems but it will definitely look this week alone i saw

donald skeehan do is that how you say his surname do a really cool post about by me and i was like i'm so happy that they are sponsoring our show yeah yeah because everything he said was right yeah like he had an evening where his wife had been really busy he was very busy at work they're home they don't want to order out. They want to cook a meal. Obviously, he obviously loves that. He's made a whole life out of it. And by me saved the day.

And I really think that's the only positive I have for you right now is that we know of this thing. It might help you out this summer. It is going to be hard. None of us are used to having our kids around all the time.

Dear Tina and Jar, my 11-year-old son is mean to me. His dad and younger sister. So is that basically everybody in the house? I think so. Okay. We have tried so many different things and tried to figure out why is he this way? We're all exhausted and don't even want to be around him at times. He says mean things to us jokingly, Donald Trump style.

Those were jokes. Why don't you have a sense of humor about me? He thinks he's being funny and amusing and I've asked him several times why does he do it how would he feel if we did that to him etc and he has no real answer as to why he apologizes then he continues after an hour or so he is nice to his friends and his teachers he makes good grades good behavior at school other people's houses all of this many many friends play sports is outgoing has a good home life as far as i believe close to his grandparents his uncles his aunts has everything he needs and more i am stumped we have taken things away he has a pretty good daily routine he does his chores keeps his things clean as well. I just don't know what to

do anymore. We've expressed that it hurts our feelings. We have tried ignoring it, asking him why, rewarding for good behavior. His friends notice his behavior and ask his sister, why is he so mean to his parents? And I think we were doing a great job raising our kids. Ugh. Any advice? That is... Well, like, that's extremely tough. But I think... I feel like... And I feel

like anyone who listens to this show regularly is already thinking this too. There needs to be boundaries. There needs to be clear rules and boundaries. Sounds like there's plenty be boundaries. There needs to be clear rules and boundaries. Sounds like there's plenty of boundaries. No, I don't think so. Look where he's behaving himself.

He knows how to behave himself at school. He knows what's expected of him around his friend groups. They say that they take things away and everything, but he is not aware of the boundaries. He does not know what's expected of him and what's not this is true no fault of their own because they've obviously just tried to be really nice kind parents and everything but there is somewhere along the way that kid is not clear on what is expected of him in the house let's put a pin in that for a minute right okay because i feel for this mom as well because it's like it sounds like she is on top

of everything the guy has jobs he is going to school performing well but it sounds to me like she's saying he's got a shite sense of humor yeah and he's he's saying, guys, I'm joking. Come on, lighten up. Yeah. So it's not a like I I want to keep the pin in the boundaries thing for a minute and just address. He's just in an experimental phase where your kid is finding what humor is and where laughs come from. And then he's trying to make people laugh, but he's actually hurting their feelings. I go along with that a little bit, but I'm also aware, like she says, that he knows how to behave himself in other places. aware, like she says, that he knows how to behave himself in other places. Now, Charlotte, a few years ago, was invited into my old school to give

a lecture to a group of kids who had a terrible sense of humor. Oh my God. I had totally forgotten about this. Keep going. There were six boys who were real bad boys. Bad boys. Bad boys. They were so small. They were so boys. Bad boys. Bad boys.

They were so small. They were so small. Bad boys, bad reputation, walking themselves into trouble every day just through a shite sense of humor. Bad boys. Bad boys in St. Albans. Yeah, not reflecting on why that joke's so funny and all this stuff. And Jarlik, like, honestly, one of the teachers came to me and said, do you think this is something Jarlik would be interested in? And I'm always afraid of older children. Like, I'm brilliant with little.

I'm not brilliant, but I love. That's your jam. I love being with little kids. That's your fave. Younger kids, easy. Easy peasy. Older kids. You speak their language.

You're the same age as them. Maybe. Older kids are just, they've got so much self. And also you have to be respectful to their independence and stuff you know you can't just you can't just do the pipe piper on older kids yeah i think we're little game show hosts yeah you can't so i felt like they came to me and i was like i would hate that but i was like charlotte will totally be up for this absolutely no problem no problem because like me i think you really believe that there's more to these children.

Yeah. And they just need, you need to reach them. Yeah. When you came in and you did, you reached, the teachers were like, they had to put four teachers in a room with six kids because they were like, these kids are out of control. They're not going to let me do this. They will be physically violent with you. They weren't. They sat like angels and tuned in for the duration of the chat as we discussed punchlines,

the nature of punching up and punching down, and why the subject of our joke should always be higher up and not below us. It was an incredible thing you did for those kids. It was so much fun because first of all you got to blow their mind that i was like you guys i believe are very funny but that you're getting you're missing the target with your jokes yeah and i was like just to be clear if we can find a way of getting you guys to hit the target with your jokes yeah and i said this sentence you can make more money than anyone you will match like their eyes are popping out of their heads i was like

do our picture i was like picture the life you want yeah if you can be funny enough it's such a valued skill like that's why i'm coming at this from this angle. Yeah, I know. Because here's a kid who's getting good grades. Yeah. Here's a kid whose teachers think he's a great lad who is so relaxed when he comes home

with his family that he is willing to say things that he would never say in school. Yeah. But that's my boundaries. But all of those things that he regards as jokes are hurtful. I know. And she has tried to convey that to him

but what i think she hasn't got through to him is yes you know we know that you maybe she needs to tell him more that we know we're so proud of you we're so proud that at school you're doing so well all of that stuff but there are ways that you can talk to your parents in ways you can't and when you're in the house there's expected behavior from you and yes we want to enjoy you exploring your creativity and your jokes and stuff but you're actually being offensive and that's not okay and she needs to clear up the boundaries in the house because obviously he's well able to follow the rules he's doing it everywhere else because here's the thing um like the joke boundaries are what make jokes funny and if there was a way of communicating this to him

that you know jerry sonnfeld didn't curse yeah because he said that was a harder hoop to jump through that it was harder to go all the way around the track than to cut across the middle with a curse. Of course. So with this kid, there is something to be said for communicating that the boundaries are part of how we're going to make you funny. But also, at the moment,

the only person he's making laugh is himself. That's not a healthy sense of humor either. If the jokes are just for. But that's not a healthy sense of humor either. If the jokes are just for you, that's not fair. Yeah. You're punishing. Sorry for laughing. You're relating

on another level. It's up in his room. Laugh at other jokes that have him stuck in his room. No, no, no. And that is a sense of mania as well

for this kid because that's like the joker. You know, you do have to rein him in because you have to make sure he knows he's loved he knows you're proud of him but like come on buddy and here's the other thing that i was saying to these kids was like some of their jokes were like doing really offensive african accents yeah and most of them are black. Those kids. Not these ones, no. But they were picking on the weakest, right? Yeah.

And I started to play them good comedy, like albums, in the room. And I'm like, we're all rolling around the place laughing because it's really funny stuff. I wonder, is there an argument? I know that you're the boundaries lady well boundaries are so important and i'm i'm with you for it because what i'm saying is regulations boundaries are just like this is what we need from you but i'm saying to her is is is it worthwhile if his defense is always these are jokes is it worth showing him some jim gaffigan some of the more family-friendly comedians that he can go aha that's what true funniness looks like this or even watching

documentaries with comedians who when they discuss the process of maybe maybe but like i just think coming at it from an angle of like i do do think Tina's always like the family meeting has to take place. And I definitely think this is one of them. Right. Family sit down. What we do and do not joke about with each other. Like, I've been working on a bit at the moment about how I can't wait to be old. Yeah. And be at an age where I will point out the most, the thing that the person in the room might be most sensitive about. That once I get to that age, that will be bliss. But this kid sounds a bit rudderless in this area and maybe isn't the funniest kid at school and wants to be. That's a really good point because I was just thinking there, well, you know, is there something else going on here? Is this his way of acting out?

I think you might have got something there. Maybe he's so good at school. He's trying so hard. He wants to be funny, too. He wants to be funny too he wants to be charming he wants to be you know gas but he hasn't quite figured that one out yet and he's used to being good at things and then he's trying it I don't think your idea of introducing him to comedy and stuff is a bad idea I think the family definitely have to talk a bit more about his jokes you

shouldn't be hurting people's feelings with jokes i remember like i spoke about you know those children there and they were from all very different backgrounds but i remember one of them when i started working in the school would forever i couldn't say anything to him but he'd go is it because i'm black and i feel like he allie g he allie g'd me he allie g'd me because i'm black isn't? And the first few times you did it, it was the most terrifying thing that ever happened. He knew he had you. Because I was like, I have no idea what to say back to that. Did he say, is it because I is black?

Yeah. Oh my God. Amazing. And then I used to say back to him, because he's 12. Is it because I is Irish? Yeah. Yeah. And that's weirdly.

It worked. It worked because it turned out his mom was Irish. Yeah. Yeah. And that's weirdly It worked. It worked because it turned out his mom was Irish. Yeah. His dad was from Africa. All of a sudden he felt a bit more connected.

I love this. That was lucky though. But I think that you've really helped this woman. Final thing I did want to say is your house doesn't sound mean. Hmm. Where do you think

he's getting the ideas for mean jokes? You think there's a problem that maybe kids are being mean to him? I think there's a problem globally. Yeah. With kids of this age,

specifically. Yeah. 11 years old. Yeah. Who are the most ruthless. Hmm. Ro years old. Yeah. Who are the most ruthless. Hmm. Roast master.

Jokesters. Mm-hmm. And in school, he is seeing funny kids, inverted commas. Yeah. Being the mean kids. Yeah. And in your family meeting, talk about that. Yeah.

Because those kids are not an example to live by. No. And the truly great jokes bring us together and they don't put someone down. Yeah. They actually unify us and make us feel like we all lived that. And that's something we can all relate to. I hope that's helped. And I'd love to hear back on how this and i'd love to hear back oh absolutely would love to hear back absolutely

our next question is about um body image and all of that stuff with little kids eight-year-olds i mean i'm i was actually down the gym today i'm not a gym guy. I've spent too many hours in gyms not getting results to really ever be a gym guy ever again. But yet I'm down there at the moment with the help of Vinnie Mulvey training for the Dublin City Marathon. And when you're down there specifically on business like the the workout takes 30 ish minutes and it's all targeted on the running muscles to strengthen all of those muscles you're very much like i just need to get in i just need to get out that's my attitude but i had an interaction today before we get to the question that like nearly tipped me into larry david falling down level of annoyance.

Now, I know you know this story. Yeah, I'm just hoping you tell it faster than you've told it the last two times I've had to listen to it. Isn't that the most Irish wife sentiment? I've heard this story before, and I'm hoping that you spare us all the details you gave me the first time around. Don't spare the details. Details details are good it's just the speed at which you're telling the story oh my god this is what i'm dealing with guys on a daily basis hurry it up hurry up your stories i mean i go in uh i have my key fob this will tell you how long it is since i've been down there.

He's like, where did you get that? We've got an app now. And I was like, okay, I don't have the app. Can I sort this out when I come downstairs? He's like, what's the name? In other words, no, we don't trust you. I don't believe you're a member. That key fob thing has been around 25 years ago.

It's even worse than that. He took a look at you and didn't believe that you've ever been in a gym. Never even thought about that. What's the name? Regan. He types that into the computer. How do you spell that? R-E-G-A-N.

You'd be surprised how many people don't spell that right. Spell that again. R-E-G-A-N. And what's your second name? That is my second name what's your first name then jarlet what and so goes the dance of my life what is your name jarlet what jarlet say that again jarlet how do you spell that j-a-r-l-a-t-h say that again slow down j-a-R-L-A-T-H. Say that again. Slow down. J-A-R-L-A-T-H. Jarlath.

That name's not coming up. Oh, God. I'm a paid up member, I say to him. I don't know what to tell you. That's my name. Like, I'm fully in Larry mode now. Yeah, I don't even want to be here. I'm here.

I just want to go in. I'll come out. I'll sort this out when we get down there. He's like's the name again oh my god jarleth regan he writes it on a post-it note and holds it up to-h and i said i said j-a-r that's meant to be a j and he goes you confirmed it twice and i went are you trying to tell me I spelled my name wrong. And like, I wish I'd gone to laughter. I wish I'd burst out laughing. But you know how you are in these moments

where you're just like, oh my God, how is this part of my day now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Long story short, went into the gym and hated every minute of it. Hi, Tina and Charlotte. short went into the gym and hated every minute of it hi tina and charlotte i am really enjoying the podcast there's lots of useful tips and i found myself nodding along and agreeing with lots of what charlotte says it doesn't say that oh god i'm so sick of these emails charlotte's great it says agreeing along with lots of your suggestions i got a fright a few weeks back when my daughter, aged eight, asked me,

am I fat? I was shocked at first and didn't know what to say. But then I asked her if someone had said something to her and she said no. She just thinks it herself. She is normal size

on the thin side, if anything. I told her she wasn't fat and that she was a healthy weight it's scary though at this age to think she has these worries i know she also did another thing the other day and she also did another day that thing like jarlet said okay i'll try to take that again she also did a thing the other day like what jarlet said when he was down on his knees as a child he looked down in his seat and looked at his thighs and was asking was that fat and i said no it was muscle she's a quiet girl and i didn't want and didn't want to at first get involved in any sports. But COVID could be responsible for this.

And we really had to push her to do them. And I had to become a coach too in camogie and athletics. And most of the time now, she likes going to athletics and camogie and training. And she's great fun. Once she comes back from training, she's very happy. I'm hoping that in time time she won't put up so much of a fight to get out the door and that she will see the benefits of exercise but it's also so difficult trying to get them off the screens see there's a there's a whole bunch of

stuff in this isn't there we need to sit down for a family meeting and put in the rules well try to keep to the rules on the screen time for the summer holidays they will be at two camps for the summer and i'll be off for two weeks but they will be at home with the au pair for most of it and i'll be off every wednesday too and i can take another few days too i think i need to give them each a little project to do to keep them busy and off their screens any suggestions so this is a separate thing around as we said at the start the summer worry also it's creeping into most of the emails yeah and maybe you've covered this already but what chores are suitable for children of this age sorry about the bit of a ramble but keep up the great work really enjoy

your summer holidays i mean this is a big email because on the one hand the body dysmorphia and the fear of being fat i think she's being the kids being honest this is around her all the time yeah yeah and maybe you've i'm not saying the mom has said it wouldn't she wouldn't even have had to say it i don't think everywhere i don't think the parents or siblings have consciously said it but it has been said because it's gone in something has been said she's been around some kind of conversation it happens all the time because none of us are careful enough none of us are we're just very well we're at our most vulnerable when we're talking about our own bodies so we tend to be the most honest when we're just very well we're at our most vulnerable when we're talking about our own bodies so we tend

to be the most honest when we're like oh my god look at the state of this look at the state of that i need to be yeah or just i can't have more dessert yeah yeah i need to be i can't eat that much today it all goes in it all goes in so i would say you know whatever you think you're doing just become a little bit more conscious to your words sure but what about fat was always the put down in school i don't is she hearing fat in school i'd be very surprised not in relation to her kids do not do that they don't do that anymore no it's not allowed really not allowed like that really, that will get you in a lot of trouble. I think also just some people are going to be more aware of their weight. Yes, true.

It is an illness. And some people are just going to be more conscious of it. And you have to watch out for that as a parent. That is my kid, one of the kids is going to become fixated on this yeah what she has right now is a really beautiful thing where the kid has been completely honest with her mom told her that you know this is something i'm thinking about myself so now the mom's in a place where she can go to let's do some healthy education about our bodies let's talk about foods and how what good foods are you know what foods are for and how you danger there tina are you in danger there i don't think so because you're now

going oh no you're not fat but now let's do this lesson about how you don't get fat i don't mean a lesson a lesson's probably the wrong word i mean let's talk a bit more about the the job of food like that you don't need to worry about what you put in because all of the foods you're putting into your body have a job so you're gonna walk in that line you see yeah and i think parents listening to this go with that kind of a direction that they don't have 20 years of experience of going we're going to talk about how food is fuel but it is the analogy a sentence that you don't want to begin you're like yeah but the analogy is always the one i always go for is that your your car will not go anywhere without petrol or diesel and if you want to power up your body

you have to have food and the best type of petrol yeah and that food is important to your body and there are different kinds of food that do different jobs and then you children love it she's eight years old she's gonna love learning it's a science class and carbohydrates and you know what a mom there's a there's a doctor in our school and i was laughing with her about how you know they're doing their sex ed at the moment and and she gave me a really good piece of advice she said that she always goes to science she always goes to science and facts and i always try and go to facts too but she's right bring it away from fear bring it into something concrete factual science-based then it's easy for everyone to talk about because now you're talking about

real non-scary stuff now you're just explaining the role of food and why it's really important that we eat and that we move and that we exercise. But food is something that your body has to have. We don't deny food. We enjoy food. Yeah, it's tough on them because then they ask you a question like, well, why is that person fat? And there's a million reasons like why?

I really it's always been something that sticks in my crawl is that it crawl that you know people assume that just because someone's overweight means that they eat too much food yeah that they're looking that's ridiculous and i think it's really important that you educate your child that well some people just have a you know a slower metabolism or some people are not well some people are in chemo some people are in steroids don't assume that anything based on somebody's body size i hate that and i've always hated that so then around the question of uh the chores like summer activities we're going to get to in the patreon bonus section of the show if you're listening on patreon you can enjoy that later.

Yeah. It's so hot in our office. It's so hot in here right now. But the chores, this is a very good question. What chores are suitable for an eight-year-old? Well, I mean... Not making tea.

Although I remember making tea at eight. I remember doing the fry i remember doing the fire putting the fire on um i don't know they should definitely have full responsibility for their room and anything that comes from the room their clothes should be brought down to the washing machine they should be putting their own clothes away i think it's really important that they have an active participant role in the house i say that knowing that my own kid is a bug a nightmare but we do have him doing his own room that's always been his his thing he does it every day he's very good at it uh now we've upped it a bit where he has to let the chickens out every morning

which is adorable to watch but he is a liability i don't know how the fox hasn't got them well this this question i think is really really important especially when it relates to all of the behavioral questions we've had in that when you're setting out family ground rules and the family meetings that Tina's always talking about that being part of the community yes contributing something is where the chores come in, right? Yeah. That if their child doesn't have a chore, then they don't feel like they're a stakeholder.

Oh, completely. And also what you have to be careful with the chores is that they're not going to drain them of their sunshine. And they're not going to do them perfectly. No, of course not. Jesus Christ, if you're expecting perfection perfection but they will perfect it in time eventually but uh they need to be achievable chores and and nothing that's like punishment so many people use chores as punishment it's like come on your kid's never gonna do it independently if they always see it as a oh fuck my life i have to do this what you want is to gradually get your kid involved in the house and then hope that one day they go oh maybe i'll do

this as well because that would be nice well or you want them to see things like that's to me that's the goal with the chore to me it's about them going those cups should be in the dishwasher i love i love that you say this i love this because yesterday in your house your chance for a shot is it we're in darlin's house and his mom has got a brand new dishwasher it's so cool and in the dishwasher i'm like i'm bamboozled i'm confused i'm like where the hell am i supposed to put the knives and forks and she sees me trying to check and she's like

she pulls out this drawer from the top which apparently all new dishwashers had I don't know and there's little tiny spaces to put everything it's so fabulous

I'm like wow Jarla comes over and goes I just fucked them all in that is what you said this is not a takedown I was being silly I was being silly

I would definitely but I just thought it was just so funny the way they were so precisely placed they're brilliant that I did think I would put a handful

of them in and just strew them across the top of it which I bet in time she will do too maybe what a pain in the arse

to have to put them in and win by win I thought it was amazing I was like why haven't we thought of this before? There's so much extra space for the plates. Yes. I was very excited about the plates.

But then it's the unloading. Yeah. Like the whole point of the, like this is, now we're getting to the really important issues in Honey, You're Earning Our Kid. The basket yoke for the cutlery in the dishwasher. Yeah. Is specifically so that you can bring that over to the drawer where those things go she can't do that she's got this the drawer in your

parents house is beside the dishwasher so she's gonna be okay she's yeah but other people are gonna need to move their drawers don't worry about my mom and the cutlery but i did think yeah yeah what are you gonna do well in our house be a disaster it's a long walk from the yeah that tiny space to the other tiny space yeah jesus christ what were your chores when you were a kid i had to light the fire definitely get the fire going god how did you that was a big deal you had to clean the chimney make sure you didn't that was your chore yeah your one chore i then later on i'd have to dust the sitting room probably actually it's just clicking with me now from the bad job i did of emptying the chimney

and also one of my chores is by my mom, 10 silica purple. Now we're getting to it. Yeah. Yeah. Pick me up some fags. Yeah. Go down and get 10 silica purple, please. 10. Because 20 is too many. 10.

160, wasn't it? I've only smoked them. 160 and she gave me 170 so I could get a wham bar on the way home. Yeah. Oh, the good stuff. Now you're talking about. I'll do it for a wham bar, mom. Taking care of your kids.

Or a rooibrober kids Tina's here lecturing people on what they should feed their kids look I wish my mum didn't let me eat those and she herself was surviving on wham bars and silky purple here's a tough one for you Tina how do you explain to a six-year-old that simply his grandparents

aunt, uncles etc etc don't really care they don't show up for my kids they don't make time for my kids they don't call on their birthdays or come to see their games he cries to to see them. And my heart is breaking. I try to fill the void with immediate family time. But he keeps asking about them. And I don't know what to say. That isn't going to be traumatising for him. My kids deserve better.

That's for sure. What do I say to them about this? Well that is really upsetting. And very very sad situation to be in but i feel like if your kid is six and you are the grown-up you have to be careful how you're leading this your kid will follow your lead you know how is he this aware that they're not turning up because he's seeing his friends at six years old you'll be well aware that other people have grandparents and people that are showing up but like with six-year-olds i'm not saying you should plumb all your kids but it is easy to like give them a reason like oh

they're away or they're on holidays and not make it personal. Sure. But I'm just saying you asked, how does he know? And I'm saying probably because you've got another set that do care. Yeah, maybe. Maybe. You keep making your points by going right up to the microphone and then sitting back with your arms folded like, take that. Well, not take that. But what do you say to that? Because it's irrelevant as to how this child knows.

Yeah, well, I always go to honesty. But the point is, the child is aware that he has relatives that couldn't give less of a shit about him. Yeah, I know that. And my instinct is always to go to honesty and respect the child enough to be honest with them. But sometimes you have to be careful about, well, if I'm too honest with this kid will does that take away any any chance of change yeah so i feel like

you do as the parent just have to manage it as positively as you can and be careful of maybe maybe you are showing the kid much more hurt on this than you realize. Maybe you are modeling, you know, stuff. A six-year-old won't really notice. I would say, yes, nine, ten, eleven. Fair enough. You might, these conversations might need to get trickier. But a six-year-old would take it for granted and then you won't need to have those chats later

because they'll be so used to this behavior. It's just something they're normalized to. what i would say to this mom is that probably um you're experiencing the hurt yeah well that's what i feel yeah and you're a mat you're not not imagining sorry wrong word uh you're not but you're worried your kid is experiencing the same level of hurt as you you're hurt on behalf yeah yeah of your kid big time of course she is i would be it's horrible and also there's probably a bit of anger no doubt because i doubt that the couldn't give a shitness is just localized to that kid yeah and they're probably experiencing something again that they experienced themselves the mom yeah like at the end of the day it's her kid yeah and when you have your kid by proxy she's not being cared about but also you're so

proud of your child you're like look at this amazing human take an interest unfortunately it sounds like they're not going to, but there's always chance for change. Yeah. But I would say just be careful of how you're modeling what you're saying. Be careful of your words, because he's six. Unless he's a little bit older and something occurs, then you have no choice but to go with truths and to talk in honest terms and to apologize to him and say you don't understand it either and come from a place of it is strange it is upsetting i'm sorry that this is the way it is but at age six yeah well like at the end

of the day if you're to keep it impersonal yeah like i always go to the problem whatever it is is not personal it's not permanent and it's not pervasive and that it it's not going to affect everything it's not going to last forever and it isn't just about you their issue with allocating time to your child isn't about your child it's about them yeah their inability to allocate time empathize understand and you know spread themselves yeah and i would actually suggest to this mom like if this kid is aware of all this at age six now you gotta go into protective mode i'm not saying cut ties with your family but now i'm'm like, you've got to be... That's enough now.

Yeah, but before we get there, I'm saying that you are better off saying to them that some people are just bad at managing their time. Yeah, that's a much nicer way to approach it with that age. Some people don't visit their granny in the old folks' home. Yeah. Some people get loads of stuff done yeah and we want to be that kind of person who's like you know member of the table tennis team the football team

swimming karate there's a good way to be honest with your child that isn't going to hurt their feelings yeah and isn't going to have them carrying a grudge against these people. Because like I said, as hard as it seems to not take this personally, it is about them and not you. Yeah. Like it is about their inability and their loss. Yeah, it's their loss. They're missing out. That is a really, really tough question.

And my heart goes out to this person because the rejection you feel on behalf of your child must be immense. Yeah, but I do think now she needs to protect him going forward. That's the next step. I think Tina's right that there has to be a point at which, especially if it gets to the point of it actually hurting their feelings directly, that you have to enter some sort of

protective mode where you won't allow that hurt to happen and that's not saying fall out with your family that's just saying be a little bit more careful you choose when yeah boundaries when and where come on over to patreon.com forward slash irishman abroad and hear the rest of this episode we've got a chunk of juicy good stuff over there especially if you're preparing your child for going to secondary school in september a few things have come up in the last two weeks around stuff that your child may not have dealt with in primary school yeah the big grown-up issues that they've no idea on the horizon that they need to get ready for now we're going to talk about that a little bit more and go a little bit deeper on a couple of the items that we mentioned earlier if i can remember what those

were tina thanks so much we'll see you over there on patreon i love doing the show i'm sad that you know we won't be doing it as regularly it's the highlight of my week over the but i will stress please yeah oh just over the summer we'll be back oh sorry just hurt myself there we'll be back with season two in september week to week again but uh like i say i have we all have our phones on us the whole time your emails will come to me i will try my best to keep an eye and reply to everyone who gets in touch honey you're ruining our kid at gmail.com is the email address buyme.ie is our proud partner thank you so much tina thanks to everybody who's got in touch and to all of you who are supporting us on patreon thank you

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