Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - EP 5 Kids Who Won't Stop Fighting, Anxious Kids & Meal Time Madness

Episode Date: October 2, 2022

Tina advises a parent with boys that "won't stop battering the heads off each" and a Mom worried about how her separation will impact on her child. Should you believe and support your kid when they tell you about a disruptive or problematic child in their school? This one might not be as straight forward as it can seem. When does a bit fun become a pile on? We get Jarlath's funniest parenting tweets from around the internet and a superb piece of homework from a kid who can only see the wood and not the trees. A child complaining of stomach pains due to anxiety is a very common problem. Tina points this anonymous emailer in the direction of a great book that will definitely help any child understand what they are feeling. To contact Tina with a question all you have to do is email, [e-mail] - mark your email "not for broadcast" if you would prefer not to appear on the show. Tina replies personally to every single email. HYROK is now on Instagram - follow us for updates, advice and of course a bit of craic. Disclaimer: All materials contained within this podcast are copyright protected. Third party reuse and/or quotation in whole or in part is prohibited unless direct credit and/or hyperlink to the Irishman Abroad podcast is clearly and accurately provided.

and honey you're ruining our kid the parenting podcast from the irish men abroad podcast network and go loud is back the show where you get to anonymously submit your parenting problems and with the help of our child development expert tina regan you get proper help absolutely free tina also happens to be married to me so she has seen my absolute parenting worst. I'm talking driving to Kilkenny while she was on a hen party because I literally couldn't manage our kid at the time. There's no lie there. It peaked there though, Jarlett. I mean, that was 11 years ago. It peaked, so you're doing okay. Tina has seen it all. This show is at its heart, though,

about the number one concern that all parents have. I don't want my child to grow up to be an idiot or worse still, a gobshite. Question number one, straight down to business. Tina, do I have a question for you? My two young lads won't stop battering the heads off each other already straight away. I'm like, I have grown up with these kids. I've been around these kids many a time. I have been these kids.

So I empathize with this dad right away. The two of them will punch, scrape, hit, strangle and smother each other if I leave the room. Horseplay becomes violent so quickly between these two lads. We can't seem to get them to agree on things. We nearly have to separate them like boxers into two corners of the house. We're at a complete loss. We've tried absolutely everything from rewards charts to treats at the end of the month to just raising our voices every time it takes place. Nothing seems to work. They feel like oil and water, he says.

They just won't mix together. It's very distressing for both of us, as you can imagine. I know that we're not the only parents in this situation, so I thought it would be a good idea to ask tina for some help massive thanks for the series so far we absolutely love it and we're glued to it and can't wait to hear the answer to our question that's very nice so happy we've gotten this one um whoa that's tough do they mention what ages the kids are at all? Seven and nine. Seven and nine. So they're big dudes.

Oh, they should know better. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Well, that nearly makes it easier, really, if the parents are willing to stay, be consistent on this. They need one of those meetings that we've talked about before where they have to sit down as a family

and decide there are rules in this house. Now, things that are acceptable and not acceptable. First of all, it sounds like these two boys don't give a fuck about the rules, y'all. Yeah, but he's... They sound like they're like mini jokers who just want to watch the world burn. When he leaves the room. Okay. So they are capable of behavior, hopefully, while he's there. It's when there's no adult present. So they are capable of behavior hopefully while he's there it's when

there's no adult present so they are aware of what's right and wrong so what we need them to become now more aware of or conscious of is it's we're actually supposed to behave when we're on our own too it's never okay to do this so um i think that if they have a really lovely family meeting, make it really, really nice, cosy seats, put on some nice music, mood lighting, make it all romantic. And have a talk about, don't go straight into the rules. Have a lovely talk with them about, you know, how loved they are, how they feel so lucky to have these boys, how they just want to make sure the house is way more fun all the time and ways we can do that. What do you think ways we can make this house run more smoothly? Well, let's write them down. Let's come up with a list of rules and then you want to be able to remind them, gentle reminders.

Remember our rules, we made our rules, that's unacceptable behaviour. And the thing is, because they're seven and nine, they can be punished. This isn't just started when they turn seven and when they turn nine. I think that they've got like this parent, these pair are looking at an undoing habit that's that's deeply ingrained here. And, you know, just in the way that you go to a house where when you were a kid, you know, the situation where you were the in the house yeah and the brother and the sister hated each other and anytime the brother saw the sister he'd throw something at her that was the culture of the house and you were the guest in the house going gotta go home but i'm just saying that are you giving what is a very clear answer to a problem that might go deeper, Tina? Here we go. Jar's going deep.

Go deep. I just think, is the bigger problem here getting the two of them to get on? Or is that just pie in the sky? Are some kids just not going to get on with each other? No, no, no, no, no. There is total, you can definitely save the relationship at this age. It's if they let it go any further. That's when resentment will build, build, build.

They can completely nip it in the bud at this stage. Bud or bud? Bud. Bud, I think it's in the bud. You can nip it in the bud. Is it nip it in the bud? That will definitely send a shock through the system. But I think it is where the flower is budding.

Bud. Okay, that makes more sense. That makes more sense. You thought it was nip it in the pal. Nip it in his the flower is budding. Bud. Okay, that makes more sense. That makes more sense. You thought it was nippet in the pal. Nippet in his bud. Oh, God. I really didn't think about it too much. I just never really knew if I was saying it properly.

There's some real talk. Well, what I'm saying is... This is to save the relationship. Yeah, let's save it now I'm saying is, when I say. This is to save the relationship. Yeah, let's save it now. And what I mean when I say punishment, I don't mean like slaps. Like, obviously, I'm very anti that. Yeah. But what I mean is they need consequences now.

They're old enough to understand consequences for their behavior. So when you're making the rules, you talk to them about how, you know, we will give you warnings. But if you do this behavior after the warnings this is gone so switch tv i don't know for a day not forever phone food no oh come on but you know something something manageable don't set it too high how many times that punishes you as a yes don't punish yourself television in this house again don't punish yourself i've done that to myself before i'm like okay great i can't watch telly either brilliant be careful of that make it manageable and suitable to yourself but yeah and then it's easy because then if you see it about to happen or you sense it about to happen

you say okay i'm giving you guys a warning now we've been through the rules you know there's consequences if you behave that way when i leave the room you are losing that and you gotta mean it because they're probably gonna test you if this behavior is so ingrained yeah yeah like habitable what's that word habitual habitual god i'm really letting myself down on the words it's late it's getting late i am tired but um yeah it's gonna be hard they're gonna test you they're gonna test you also they're so covered they know mom and dad are busy they're so stressed out they'll forget so you really have to put those rules somewhere you can see that the visitors can't

but you can see so you remind yourself all the time okay we're on it we've got rules here and I hope that helps we've all agreed on clarity on them

follow through let me put this to you then okay what if one of the boys is more at fault than the other and it actually is a case of the younger or older kid

yeah bullying the other kid like actually is a case of the younger or older kid yeah bullying the other kid like there is a potential here Tina yeah that they need to examine what's happening and who's at fault like who is the instigator is it like it's never a hundred percent yeah well I guess what I've given them there is tools to deal and manage with it and hopefully phase it out. What they could probably benefit from doing with those boys is individual time, which I know is so annoying when people say that to parents. Especially busy people. Yeah, we have one kid. We're able to do that all the time.

Charlotte and Mikey have these incredible walks and talks. Coffee walk. Yeah, Mikey have these incredible walks and talks and Mikey Coffee walks. Yeah they go on coffee walks and Mikey just pours his heart out and it's absolutely magic and it's so precious but

all kids need this we know that and a great way to get your kid to open up and talk to you is to play with them not computer games get the Lego out

get the drawing out get the soldiers out get the dolls out play with your kid and when they're playing ask them questions and honesty they will just tell you everything you told me about this ages ago and this thing of with boys walking parallel to them yeah was when they will open up it's why sometimes you kids will open up in the back seat of the car. I think you were the one who told me about the car

that I was looking at. Maybe it was me. Maybe I'm the one responsible for this little piece of genius. I definitely knew about the car. That's a really good tool to talking to them

when you're in the car and they're in the back seat. But yeah, Jared, that's a really good point. Like, you know, we know that siblings are really tough on each other and we don't want this

to become a behaviour that they have in their adulthood because they should be there for each other and it would be want this to become a behaviour that they have in their adulthood because they should be there for each other and it would be lovely. Is there an argument for a spy camera of some sort?

A spy camera? No. No. No. These children already have... Watch it back in the evening. No. In bed together.

I feel sorry for these kids. They're so monitored as it is. Yeah, you can be guaranteed that somebody out there is going, actually, the spy camera actually worked for me. Well, maybe, maybe, you know,

I'm not going to judge someone if they do it. Yeah. I'm like, what are they doing? It's harmless. They're just trying to see who is the instigator. So coming out of the end of this, Tina, I wanted to load another quick question in on top because I think you've given them enough tools

that they'll come back to us and we can revisit this question. Yeah, they're going to need to come back yeah because this is this is very solid behavior they're doing so they're going to need help so i don't mind helping some of the conflict management that every parent has to deal with especially with seven and nine year olds like what is wrong with seven and nine years they're so tricky those both of those ages needs intervention in terms of okay who did what yeah now the stories that you get back this one of my favorite movies is the kid stays in the picture

and he says that there's three sides to every story my side your side and the truth yeah when you're talking to kids and they're just lying to your face over and over again about their involvement in what happened. What do you do if you're the parent in that situation? Well, you just let them talk. You just let them keep talking. And then you stay quiet. You go really quiet. And then there's this incredible tool I use all the time with Mikey and in school where you get two pieces of paper and at the top of them you just write think sheet right and then you write what do you think happened leave a space why did it happen leave a space what can we do to stop this happening again and you just send them both off to different spaces in the house,

give them some time and see what comes back from there. This is some FBI shit right here. I love it. It's a chance for the child to reflect. They're also writing it. They're having to see what they're writing. They've got to reflect.

And they're really committing to the lie then if they write it down. They really are. So they're not going to do that. Tina, this is quality. And think sheets are brilliant for lots of stuff. I know. I'm thinking about doing one right now.

They're really therapeutic and the child normally enjoys it because they are kind of getting in trouble because they're having to reflect and own their behaviour. But they're also getting a chance to let it out, move on. Think about, why did I do that? Yeah. What am I going to do the next time? That's great. own their behaviour but they're also getting a chance to let it out move on think about why did I do that yeah what am I going to do

the next time that's great when they get to put it into words yeah when they're actually putting it into words and if they're too

young let them draw let them draw it let them draw hi guys first of all thank you for what feels like

a public service you're performing it's so refreshing hearing Anna's talk about parenting and some very actionable advice from Tina. No compliment for me there because literally I am a passenger on this journey. My question is about mealtimes. Our four-year-old daughter has never been an adventurous eater. I have always and I am still cooking and making her separate lunches and dinners. A very common thing, by the way.

She's great with the veg and will eat loads, but will also eat pasta, noodles and potatoes, but will only eat sausages, fish fingers and meatballs. There can be absolutely no sauce except for butter, and it has to follow an order of veg then protein then carbs never all at the same time that means like she will only eat them in that order is that correct okay she also waits for her plate to be empty and then she'll pop some more on or something okay she she also eats first before we do i think that's out of i feel like that's out of handiness is that convenience because she won't eat the same food basically i need to know how to get us all eating at the

same time and eating the same food she has now started school and my embarrassment at her lunch box and green ingredients is pretty high. Please help from anonymous. You know. Just a little fair play to this person for opening up about this. Because this is a really frequent question. Yeah, well, that's what I was just going to say. That like, God, we get so many of this question. The same thing.

The children acting the exact same way. That I'm starting to actually consider. Have we just got the early eating all wrong? Like, are we doing something wrong? I mean, our own child presented like this too. Like, are we expecting too much from our kids? I don't know. Anyway, that's just me thinking off the top of my head because this week alone,

we got like 20 more emails so similar to that one. Let's look back around to that and deal with this problem. First of all, in the specific sense of her situation, and then in a more general sense of what anyone who's experiencing something similar can do. Yeah, well, we know from experience, it's just not practical. To be cooking separate meals. Cooking separate meals. It makes you miserable.

You feel completely taken for granted. The child's not even enjoying the meal you end up cooking for them really really tough and i'm i'm not sure if we talked about this before just on patreon last time when we were doing the show but um um there was a mom in the school of one of my when i was teaching one of my i can't remember what year it was, of my classes. But, you know, I think a lot of us were talking about this nightmare of trying to get our children to eat and how hard it is and cooking, thinking you'll never be that mom who cooks separate meals. And then all of a sudden you're cooking separate meals, terrified anyone will find out that you're now doing that too. And

this mom at the school was like uh no no no no i'm going to change your life and like we all laughed you know the way when you're with your mom friends it's all it's all fun and games and silliness but she did change our life and she changed a few people's life and i've been trying to pass it on since because what she told us was so easy like you know just cook whatever meal you're cooking and put it all in separate serving bowls put empty plates on the table and just take the pressure off dinner and let them choose from the bowls now obviously at the start there has to be something in one of those bowls that you can guarantee your child will eat because you don't need a hungry child the most

important thing is they're fed they'll also be very cranky if they haven't eaten. So we really need them to be fed. But I was a little bit dubious because our little guy, who I hope he doesn't mind me talking about him right now, everything had to be so plain. He also had been born with a very bad swallow. So we had a lot of trauma from him choking on anything lumpy for a long time. So that added to our anxiety of pushing him along with the food.

But it was a game changer. And see, the hope is prepare your dinner, serve it all up separately. You know, bolognese, bolognese in one. Even sometimes, you know, sauce in one, mince in one, mushrooms in one, you know, pasta in another. It's not that hard to mix it all in. Some chili seeds in another bowl if you want it a bit hotter. And then the hope is you phase the bowls out.

And then all of a sudden, like we are now, we just serve up one meal. And it's amazing. It's amazing. Like they still complain about the food, but they know we're all expected to eat at dinner time the same food. It's like I was just getting out of the way there because i've just seen this work yeah i watched this work and um i hope you know this mom is listening to this going i could potentially do that yeah and there's probably a couple of other people going, yeah, but my kid's so picky. Yeah.

They'll just take from one ball. But at the start, they probably will. But what you have to try not to do is put any pressure on them to take from more. Because if there's no pressure there, kids will just, you know, seek it out. They put everything in their mouth. Everything goes in there. So if there's no pressure on them, they will just scoop you know, seek it out. They put everything in their mouth. Everything goes in there. So if there's no pressure on them, they will just scoop it in.

They'll see what everyone else is doing and they'll give it a go. It's also a bit of crack, right? There is a certain level to this where it's fun. Like it feels like a party. And the food looks more colourful and appetising and inviting

when it's put up in these bowls and they're in charge of their plate it's a power struggle that's basically what it is they want to be in charge so they feel like they're in charge but they're not because the food is there they're getting fed yeah all you want them to do is eat so i it changed our lives and then you cackle with laughter in the kitchen and you high-five the air and you go thank thank god I got that tip because you really do like let's be honest this is a shout out to all the parents out there who have received tips like this like I remember when you got this and you were like it's genius well I was so dubious I was like okay I'm gonna try this

but I doubt it'll work because I was just so sick of cooking two dinners. Well, there might be a corner in our episodes for tips that people have received that have been game changers. Do you remember, we're just back from England now, but one of our neighbours, gorgeous couple Una and Jockey, and Jockey's a chef, chef Jockey. And when we were over at their house he just did that instinctively his children were incredible eaters because he's always just putting stuff out in bowls and letting them mix and taste whatever they want yeah and i just uh yeah it was really i love passing that on because i feel like it works a lot but the only tricky bit with this question is the lunch box lunch box yeah that's a bit tougher because you're relying on the teacher. Also, you're so restricted by the lunchbox, what you can put in

there. But she says she eats loads of veg. So why not cut up cherry tomatoes and carrot sticks and stuff like that and pop it in, you know? Yeah, the lunchbox is a whole nother bag of squirrels. another bag of squirrels. Why don't we find out how this person gets on next week with this tip? Let us know, because we do hear back. And before we get to our next question,

I would like, I know that you're reluctant to do this, but the advice that Tina's giving is working. And here is an example of one of the lovely pieces of feedback we received from someone who had success. I just heard my question read out on the podcast. Thank you so much. I just wanted to let you know that your advice about catching him being brave and strong really helped last week. I overheard my four-year-old asking my husband,

do you see how strong I'm getting? We had GAA last week, similar scenario again, and this time he rejoined the session. Now, people who listened last week will know this question was around a kid who was acting like the world was caving in any time he bumped himself or fell or tripped or had a little moment and tina's advice was to encourage and literally get behind him in terms of saying you are being so brave i have noticed how strong you're getting yeah at moments just to see moments but you know what jarred that's one of the many lovely messages we've gotten back and I'm so invested that when I read them I'm a mess like I am crying I don't even know these people and I'm like oh my god this thing worked but the fact that she took the time and the other people took the time to get back to me and let me

know is so lovely and I appreciate that but I was so happy like i was jumping for joy because um it's just great it makes me want to reiterate the point though that you made because look everyone has a moment with their kid where they're going toughen up right and really if you're concerned with that what you've pointed out in this answer that we've now seen work is championing and praising the maturity to be able to dust yourself off because christ we know that that is the life skill yeah that you're gonna need so much but it's so tricky isn't it because as a mom do i practice that i don't know as a professional yeah every, any kid I work with, I completely know what to do. But when you're so close to it, sometimes you just need reminding.

Like, you know, I'm always trying to remind myself that never reward negative behavior. Try to ignore it and come in fast and big with anything you see that's positive. If the child listens the first time, come in with it. Come in with the reward. Come in with the praise come in with it come in with the reward come in with the praise give them the hug yeah but if the you know say your 11 year old boy is like dilly dallying around the house before school waiting for their mom to lose it and be like go and get ready don't respond leave them in there leave them let them choose they are 11 so i want to be like for school this is very personal you know but i'm reminding myself like well you want them to be autonomous

yeah this is egypt gobshite stuff again that you know you want them to be self-starters who get up in the morning make their bed and come down yeah but i'm just reassuring parents that like while i have all this experience it is so easy for me to work with other children don't be too tough on yourself if you find it hard with your own child i even find it hard at my own child to remember all the strategies and i have to remember to take that breath and think okay what do you do don't react to bad behavior ignore come in fast with the good behavior he's overreacting ignore it come in fast when he's you know catch him on a moment and be like you're really maturing that way it's it's so important to develop these practices if you want good behavior if if you

want behavior you have got to model it yourself and champion the good stuff and champion it and be you know be willing to do the work to model it yourself. And champion the good stuff. And champion it and be, you know, be willing to do the work to get it. Yeah. Been a strange whole week in the Regan household, it has to be said. And as I've said before, we're going through an immense amount of change. I can really relate to an awful lot of these people

who are, you know, trying to cope with very strange situations. We're in a strange one ourselves. Yeah. And, you know's it's tricky in that i see a couple of things happening in relation to kids coming home and going and relating stories from school i'm never sure and maybe you can this is my question for you this week okay i'm never sure how to respond to stories from school.

Now, you've watched me a couple of times, balls this up. So I hope I'm speaking to a few dads and moms out here who, when their kid comes home and says, this kid was doing this. And I think that's not right. I have the tendency to go, yeah, that kid's a prick. And I as a child as well. tendency to go yeah that kid's a prick yeah but i you know you always quickly remind yourself okay the kid's 10 like you know you've always done that you've always pulled yourself up but you do react because you're so hurt on his behalf straight away you react as his protector, don't you? But yeah, I mean, what we're noticing... And some kids are douchebags, let's be honest. Oh, well, you know, they're all changing every day.

But sometimes, yeah, they can be quite mean. I always say that if parents... They're going through a gobshite phase. If parents had to go into the playground at lunchtime, they'd leave crying. They saw some of the meanness that happens. It's awful. But it's the parents who join in though i don't understand well this is what i'm asking you yeah that you know we've all been in a house where let's say we had certain friends of friends

okay my my brother's friends specifically and him telling me stories of how there was a kid in the class that the family was having a good old giggle about that. This fellow was a real oh, he's the real so and so in the class and being kind with those words. But it was kind of a bit of fun around the dinner table to talk about what that kid had gotten up to that day at school and i was kind of looking at you going should you really be joining in in that way i think that's a bit different because that's a chance for the kid to process what you know if there's a kid in the class class who's causing trouble a lot and the kid comes home and shares stories and you're able to laugh and diffuse it and help him process what he saw happen at school that day i think that's a bit different as long as you're not encouraging to what different to encouraging your child

to think that that kid's actually a gobshite. But that's what those parents were doing. Oh, OK. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. I just think you have to have a zero tolerance to the giggle around the table. Oh, yeah. I think that you can never if your child says, I hate that kid, you should never say, yeah, you should hate that kid. But actually, I see parents do that. You're supposed to say things like, oh, goodness, we don't hate children. And he's just like this right now. This isn't who he's going to be forever. But devil's advocate, Tina, there's going to be certain situations where there's a kid in the class who parents will have to advise their kid, no, you need to stay away there.

I don't think that's the parent's job. I think that's up to the teacher. Okay. I think it's really not okay. And if the teacher's asleep at the wheel? Well, then the parents go to the teacher. Get a meeting. And keep going to the teacher and then go to the principal.

But telling your child not to play with or talk to a child, that's not okay. No, not at all. Yeah, and it's just a shortcut, isn't it? Well, it's so so it's teaching them isolationism isolationism it's also modelling a behaviour that you

deem as acceptable then if you don't like someone the way someone's acting you can just ignore them and cut them out of your life or be mean to them what about when that starts

happening in your home you've said that's acceptable behaviour what about when you see it in your house is it acceptable then because that's acceptable behavior what about when you see it in your house is it acceptable then because that's when children get confused but we all remember well we certainly remember 80s uh parenting and the like i'm always careful about the references to 80s parenting because it is a a time and a place right that is very different to the one we exist in now. But I remember

certainly being told to go in and tell a kid, my brother will beat you up. Were you ever in a situation where you were told my daddy will come down here and he'll punch you in the nose? No, I didn't have to because everyone knew my dad and they knew he was six foot four and they were terrified of him but also my parents had us doing all sorts of martial arts and boxing early on and sending us off to school you were the kid that people were told to stay yeah probably no i was well ready i was not afraid of other children i wasn't afraid to stand my ground also i think we moved to england for a little while when i was a younger kid and that really made me tough oh my gosh you guys don't want to hear those stories they are absolutely horrendous i think that parents some parents i've heard it a lot since we've been back much more so than maybe i heard in england although

in england still a bit i have admit, in the school I was in. Having to stop parents in their tracks and say, you are talking about a child. Like, I know your child is hurting, but you're talking about another child. Yeah, demonizing them. You're demonizing a child. A child. Yeah. Like, cop on.

That child is learning too. You have no idea what that child's life might be like if they're acting out this much there is definitely a reason and why are you not teaching your child to maybe be a bit more compassionate or you know reflective of that instead you're just making this kid stay worse you're encouraging your child to pile on i'm not saying get your child to like be so empathetic like we've made the mistake of at times where he feels like he has to mind everybody but like don't teach your child to pile on don't agree with everything your child says they're looking for guidance from you i just think you have to take a long hard look at

yourself if your child comes home complaining about a kid and you pile on because you're you know if you're calling that kid names and agreeing with stuff your little kid is saying to you your kid who's looking to you for guidance and role modeling like you need to stay neutral. Even if you're not neutral in your head or your heart, save that for your partner when your kid's not in the room. But don't model. Don't let your kid think it's okay to act like that. It's not okay. You're adding to the hurt of another child.

I'm just flabbergasted by some of the things I've seen. Well, you can imagine what the person listening to this now who knows that that's my kid. My kid's the one that it feels like the other parents are laughing at, that the other kids are going. That's that one kid as you hear it i also do think it's it's it's it is a teacher's principal's responsibility to keep an eye on this in every school i think so in every school because you know if you have parents behaving like that well they need to be they need to be shown they need to be told what's appropriate behaviour too. Okay, well last week we had the funniest piece of homework submitted by a parent to the podcast.

We are always on the hunt for funniest pieces of homework. And also Jamie did get in touch to tell us he is not six, he is nine. Yeah, there was a little bit of a correction there, an Irish Times correction. So sorry, Jamie. We got Jamie's age wrong. He is not six. He is, in fact, nine. A huge difference.

That's a huge difference. Jamie, we stand corrected. Apologies for that. This one comes in from Joe Heenan, who said that his six-year-old son completed this maze in record time. The maze, we'll post it in the episode notes or a link to this image it's it's one of your standards get a dinosaur through a maze trick with a start and a finish pretty complicated maze and his son has done a beautiful turquoise crayon line directly around the outside genius genius i was just like we need more of this in our lives we

need we need to be more like joe heenan's son fair play keep them coming in honey you are ruining our kid at gmail.com is the email i'm a mother of a two-year-old girl and i am no longer in a relationship with her father in fact it's extremely strained. In the midst of a custody battle, I'm struggling with disproportionate balance of legal rights and demands on me to split her time between parents and homes and desperately wanting some reassurance about what's actually right for a 28 month old child. She is greatly cared for by her father and me, and she's happy and chopping and changing. But and she's happy with both of us.

But how much moving and chopping and changing can a little girl really handle? I need some truth. Thank you, Anonymous. Aww. Wozers. That's really tough. That's really, really tough. First of all, I feel really privileged that somebody would send this to us.

Yeah. But like, this is real talk. I have no frame of reference for this and I don't. No, well. But you do, Tina. You would know a certain amount about what can be done in this situation. You would have come across this, right? Well, the amazing thing here is that the mom is aware that she needs to be careful.

How will this affect my little girl? I don't think she's given herself enough credit that that's even on her mind because her life is in turmoil and she's still putting her little girl first which is incredible so I just think amazing. Secondly she's mentioned daddy and mummy. She's happy with both of them. That's brilliant too. That makes it so much easier and you know really I can really reassure this mom in just letting her know that little girl will just follow your lead. She's just going to do whatever is presented to her. She's going to follow. This is going to be her new routine, her new normal.

She won't remember it any other way, really. And as long as she feels safe with mom and feels safe with dad, she's going to be really happy. feel safe with mom and feel safe with dad, she's going to be really happy. I would say that in both homes where she stays, if there's a corner, like she's probably still co-sleeping at this age, or maybe she has a wrong room, to make that corner or room really, really special. So it feels like her space and she always feels safe and welcome and loved there. just so i'm so inspired by this mom that she's it's already in her mind because being mindful of that is what will help this be a really easy transition for that little girl so when you say sorry to jump in but when you say she will follow your lead yeah do you mean not saying things like i know this is so tough for you oh yeah no no never

just being saying things like um mommy loves you so much it's your turn to stay at daddy's now i'll come back and get you when you're finished with daddy and then you come back to mommy being really reassuring clear instructions i have seen it where the parents actually share the home and the kid stays in the home full time and the mom and dad swap over. Oh, yeah. I don't think that's, that doesn't work. I think that's, that is upsetting to the kid because that's, that's like my home is never the same. At least if there's two places she goes to, at least she knows when I'm here, this is how it works. And when I'm here, this is how it works. When the home, when the child,

even though I know parents who do that are thinking this is the best thing for my kid, I think it's too, it's too disruptive for them. Like the house is never the same all the time. The clarity, reassurance, lead the way. Is there anything visual, the kid kids too young for any kind of visual chart like i i was a very visual kid and i felt like i only calmed my anxiety once i got to write stuff down and see you know this day was this day and then i'm talking like i was 15 when

i got on top of this that i needed to see the lay of the land. Well, as she gets older, that's a really good idea. You could have a calendar, days at mom's, days at dad's, so the kid always knows where they're going to be. That, of course, will help them feel safe. But I really think what the priority here is, mommy just being really clear and direct and reassuring in, mommy loves you, you're going to daddy's now, I'll collect you from daddy's on this day, mommy will be back.

And at daddy's house, she has a corner or a room that's really special in hers. And at mommy's, the same. Okay. Yeah. Well, it's a really, really tough situation. But I think you've said the best thing you could say. Yeah. And if that doesn't work hopefully this

listener will get back and we can try and figure out something else you know or if there's going to be behaviors because the child is going to have two different parents so as they come up i can help portray them but the more she's clear and honest and direct in a very reassuring gentle way the more the child knows where they stand and it's it's all okay children will just follow your lead if she sees mommy upset and crying she's going to be upset and crying. But if she sees mommy happy to bring me to daddy's house, I'm safe. Mommy's happy. Everything's okay. Okay. Our final question. I'm so delighted, Charlotte and Tina. I loved the series last year that she's talking about the pilot that we did

of this series over on patreon.com forward slash irishman abroad cheeky little plug in there i've gotten so much out of it and i use tips and tricks that i've picked up from you guys nearly every single day which is massive compliment i have a question for you of a five-year-old i have five-year-old twin boys oh good, good luck to you. Recently, one of my boys started complaining of tummy pain. He normally starts complaining when his brother is getting attention for something. The most recent time was when I was talking to his brother about someone in school calling him a mean name. calling him a mean name. I've seen with my niece how quickly tummy pain, inverted commas, morphs into constantly feeling sick, anxiety and stress and find a good way to deal with this.

How can I respond appropriately to him complaining of a sore tummy when I'm not dismissing his pain or creating a bigger future problem for ourselves. Signed, Anonymous. Amazing. And also such a common question. You know, a lot of parents freak out that their kid has a pain in their tummy all the time. And they don't realize that this is manifesting from the child worrying or feeling anxious. I know parents that have had their kid in hospital for long periods of time complaining of similar stomach pains that they can't get to the bottom of. Well, we're so lucky

because now we understand these things more. For a long time, we didn't understand. I mean, the child does have a pain in its tummy at that time. That's the really sad thing about it. And as grownups, we know ourselves whenever feeling anxious, it's heartbreaking to think a little kid could have that crampy feeling in their tummy too but when they're feeling it they really are they're not just saying i have a tummy ache they really think there's a legitimate pain yeah i i really believe that that the child is telling you i have a tummy ache but it's manifesting from their anxiety or their worry, even though we know this is real to them, they're really feeling something. It's important to try and get in there fast with reassurance. Sometimes with Mikey and what I used to do, it doesn't happen anymore with him, but I would always put my hand

on his tummy and be like, okay, let me just check because mommy's always know if there's anything wrong. And I'd place my hand there and I'd leave it a few seconds and I go yeah everything's great you're really okay you're just hungry or you need to go toilet so let's go toilet and if that doesn't work let's get you some food and just keep it kind of light and breezy everything's okay but also then later come back to it not addressing the tummy pain exactly but saying you know is there anything on your mind do you find yourself having worries you know it's really important to talk about them and the number one thing for this age group that i always recommend is the color monster book it's a pop the pop-up book is the one you need to get um you can easily get on amazon i feel bad giving amazon a shout out there but it's an

incredible book that helps children understand what they're feeling. It also, there's a beautiful exercise in there of different emotions have different colors. I think worry is blue, maybe green, I'm not sure. And you fill jars with those colors when you're feeling those things. And it's just a really good way of visualizing for a child that you can get rid of your worries and then you can empty them they can be put away and it's a really good book to read like daily with your child okay and just the papa book's brilliant because it's fun for them and it's a visual but yeah i think um i hope that works definitely oh and i'd also encourage that kid to maybe keep a diary

and i know he's only five so he probably can't write very well but he can draw and in those drawings at nighttime when he thinks he has this secret place where he can leave his messages or his drawings it's a really good aid for mom next day while they're at school to have a look through and see well is there anything on his mind what is he drawing in his diary you'd have to explain that this is a special book a diary that's completely for them a secret space for them to put their worries their feelings their hopes their dreams into and then while they're at school you destroy that trust by reading it all the time that's the deal and be ready be ready to see all sorts in there oh my god so i mean i have never ever ever ever such a breach of trust yeah i would never do that ever i've never done that and but i am encouraging you to do it just don't get caught

or talk about it openly on a podcast it's time for some parenting news parenting news this week tina is not going to be any rubbish article with a newfangled parenting technique i thought i'd just scour the internet and find the best parenting tweets of the week some of these are absolutely phenomenal uh this is my absolute favorite one of this week um this comes from honey mustard mama says, my toddler climbed out of the crib and my first thought was, why don't they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things? Then I realized that's a cage. Very good. Okay. Next one comes from Jesse,

next one comes from uh jesse uh mama jesse my son asked me if i even know what i'm doing and i honestly was surprised it's taken him seven years to ask this brilliant i couldn't get that one out without laughing through it um absolutely so keep the the tweets coming in you can just use the hashtag honey you are ruining our kid I've got one more here which I absolutely adore this comes from professional warrior or professional worrier yeah I identify with that my three year old niece wanted me to

pretend I was her baby when I pretended to cry she promptly put a pillow over my face and told me shhh oh my god cry she promptly put a pillow over my face and told me kids are fucking terrifying that's how they would parent yeah so they do it tina it's been so much fun this week as always we owe it to our listeners and our questioners. We wouldn't have a show without you guys mailing in. If you have a question, Tina, what do you say to people who have a question where they just want your help?

Oh, yeah. Like most of the questions will never get featured on the podcast because there's just too many of them. So just mark it. Not for broadcast. Not for broadcast. But loads of people. I am really trying to reply to everyone. I think I have.

If I've missed you, I'm doing it every day. So if I've missed you, please just nudge me. But loving all the emails. But yeah, we're not going to be able to get all of them on the podcast. I don't think there's just too many. But also it's free help. I realize exactly how tight things are at the moment. all of them on the podcast i don't think there's just too many but also it's it's free help yeah i realize exactly how tight things are at the moment i'm just it feels so great to be providing something really useful to people for free and tina thank you so much for allowing me to twist

your arm to do this i'm loving it it's so lovely you know what is lovely though i am because uh get it when i get it's the feedback the feedback's amazing because all i want to do is help moms and dads out there feel like i got this it's not that bad i don't need to scream into my pillow at night anymore i don't need to cry going to bed it's there's help and it's doable and no behaviors forever and i i can break this pattern and we can get happier and i just love it are you teeing me up for this part of the show where you tell me something you don't want me to do anymore you want me to stop screaming into the pillow is it i don't know if there's if i've got any

foibles with you this week get the fuck out of here i don't think i do do i really well i get i guess the only thing is that um you know bag of clothes that i've yet to unpack that i feel like you're gonna smother me with no but uh i feel like maybe you know when we have we have really not strict but steady rules about like gaming and youtube during the week i would appreciate if you didn't come with mikey ask, could you, you know, game on a Tuesday when it's like, Jar, we agreed on these rules. He doesn't game during the week. He can game as much as he wants on the weekend. But you're standing there holding his hand like you're the same age.

And I'm like, what? You made the rule with me. No one says we can't do it, Mikey. Yeah, no. And I will volunteer one that I need to sort out. I already kind of hold my hand up and say this so i'm right now uh looking at a bunch of sneakers in this office that have never been worn still in their boxes they are my pride and joy uh i've wanted them since i was probably

mikey's age oh yeah tail that's a tale of caution for all the parents listening. Don't deny your kids stuff to that point. Jarrah's obsessed with everything he was allowed. And Mikey won't wear his runners outside because he wants to keep his runners clean. Mikey thinks all his runners are collectibles too. Like, no Mikey, a size 7 runner is not a collectible. Who knows, if he goes to the NBA. Oh my God, this is what I'm dealing with. But he goes to the NBA Oh my god. This is what I'm dealing with. This is what I'm dealing with.

But he goes to the NBA and divorces us as parents. Because he lives in Spectator. He'll be like I'm glad I kept that pair of LeBrons. I just wish I got him to sign them. No that is ridiculous now. He won't wear his shoes that he's growing out of and I'm like jerk. I thought you were going to say that's ridiculous he won't go to the NBA.

There's every chance. He's definitely not going't go to the NBA. There's every chance. He's definitely not going to go to the NBA. Get a parody power this week and stick a tenner on it. No pressure. Thank you guys so much for listening. Thanks to D-Ready at Go Loud, to everybody who's been in touch, all the sound people that have been sharing it,

mentioning it to each other at the school gate. And do share it. We love that. It's great. I love seeing it grow's it's great i love there's no marketing budget i always say this we don't have money to no but it is lovely when you tell people about this it's such a lovely surprise like when when you go onto instagram and you're tagged and all these things and you're like oh yay people are sharing the show this is cool i love it

a lot to us yeah obviously give it a rating a subscription and a comment on apple podcast a nice rating not a mean one. Oh, I don't care. I think if you get a rating, that's good. Well, I don't know. I'm still a baby. This is baby steps for me. I'm not sure I can handle it. Tina's right, of course.

Give it a nice, say some nice things. It will actually impact directly on our place in the charts, which is climbing steadily. Pretty proud of it. Thank you so much, everybody. Thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with more Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid.

Thanks, Tina. Thank you, guys. Bye. Thanks, Charlotte. Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid is an Irishman Abroad podcast presented in association with Go Loud. Editing, research, and production by Jarlath and Tina Regan. To hear even more Irishman Abroad podcasts, including extra bonus episodes of Honey, You're

Ruining Our Kid, go to patreon.com forward slash Irishman Abroad podcasts, including extra bonus episodes of Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, go to patreon.com forward slash Irishman abroad today. Don't forget to email Tina your questions on honeyyouareruiningourkid at gmail.com because, hey, let's face it, it's hard to raise kids not to be gobshites.