Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - EP 6 Kids Hurting Their Younger Siblings, Tantrums Can Mean More & Jarlath's Mouldy Confession.

Episode Date: October 9, 2022

This week on "Honey, You’re Ruining Our Kid" we examine the problem of an older children being rough with their new born siblings. We hear from a couple locking horns on when to send their kid to school. Is it better to stay the extra year in early years or will a child get bored and become disenchanted with learning? "Why is my child not able to sit in his pram or high chair?" and "How do I comfort him when he screams and hides from me when he's upset?" We manage to squeeze plenty of laughs in too. Jarlath's mould scraping and Tina's negative self-talk comes under the microscope. Do you love your child more than your partner? When is it okay to spank? Your partner that is, not your child. If you're enjoying the series, get in touch, rate, comment and subscribe. The email address if you're looking for it is [e-mail] - we are also on Instagram.

it's honey you're ruining our kid the parenting podcast from the irish man abroad podcast network and go loud with me jarleth regan a man who once asked is it okay to put wet clothes on a child so that they can dry them off while they're playing outside i'm not proud of these things these are just things that have happened. I am the parent who only recently learned that scraping mold off things and then eating them is not a good thing. That makes me nearly vomit. As you say it, that nearly makes me vomit. The voice of the woman you're hearing there is Tina, my wife. She is the behaviourist, the behavioural expert with more than 20 years of experience

in early learning, child development and, of course, parenting our own little boy, Mikey. Now, why would that make you sick, the idea that... Ah, Gerard, that makes most people sick. I want to know how many people are scraping the mould off their cheese and continuing to eat their cheese. You're saying cheese, but we know it's not just cheese. I've seen you lift them all out of jam jars and yogurts.

You're just wrong. Well, jam is another one. Yeah, I would do a jam. Oh, God, I'm going to be sick. I can't cope with that. I can't cope. What's the grossest thing that your husband does? You've eaten out of the bin.

You make it like I had a knife and fork sitting at the bin and using it as my dinner table yeah i've taken things from the bin and gone why did you throw that out oh no i have very weak stomach and i do not like we've been together 23 years i do not like a lot of your eating habits but uh they're in fashion now though that makes you feel better people are encouraging you to do these things now though that makes you feel better people are encouraging you to do these things now i was eco-friendly before people yeah yeah even conscious of what the eco was anti-food waste for a long time but it did make me think when i thought about all of those things uh for this show that i did at the start and what am i talking about that i

continue to do that i regret everybody has things that they did when they started parenting that they go oh god what was i thinking oh you'd have to hope yeah yeah well you did i thought it'd be nice for people to hear maybe a couple of yours because i've loads loads of them well because um i'm i wasn't the mom i ever thought i was going to be when i had mikey what was your vision well i thought I was going to be when I had Mikey. What was your vision? Well, I thought I was going to be one that was really earthy, really like... What does that mean? You know, I was a Montessori teacher. Let the child play.

Yeah. Let them discover the world. I didn't think anything about him was going to stress me out. But then I had one of the worst pregnancies ever. Spent most of it in hospital. Fill people in. Yeah, well... How many weeks was it?

20 weeks. It just blurs into one nightmare. Yeah, 20 weeks in hospital. Fill people in. Yeah. How many weeks was it? 20 weeks. It just blurs into one nightmare. Yeah. 20 weeks in hospital. And then Mikey still comes early. And he's sick. And not one day did the doctors ever think there was going to be something wrong with him. So it was, you're not well.

The baby's fine. And then he was really sick in ICU. And he came home and got sick again. Came home and got sicker. I couldn't get anyone to believe me that he was sick. Stopped breathing. Then he stopped breathing and the ambulance again. He came home and got sicker. I couldn't get anyone to believe me that he was sick. Stopped breathing. Then he stopped breathing and the ambulance saved him. Oh, my God.

So, basically, I thought I was going to be this really earthy mom. When Mikey was a baby, I was the most stressed out mother. I was afraid to sleep in case he wasn't sleeping. I remember this well. I used to actually physically assault Jarlett at night because if he moved in the bed, I would put my hand over his mouth, hold his body and be like, do not move or I will kill you.

This isn't, she's not exaggerating. I'm not exaggerating. I had to lie in a straight line in the bed and if I rolled over, in fairness, I did wake the child. He woke up for everything. But on a more, on a more,

on a note that can be applied to other people listening to this. Yeah, okay. You did have PTSD from what you went through. Yeah, definitely. I did for a long time. But if I'm going to make it more relatable, what I wouldn't do is the daily naps.

I was kind of obsessed with him getting this nap that he never wanted. I'm rubbing my face right now. And do you know what I think it was? Because he was so sick, he was so sick for the first two years of his life. He just picked up everything. I could never bring him to swimming clubs or toddler baby music classes and stuff. So he wasn't hanging around with enough moms. Now, if I'd have been hanging around with moms at that age,

I know that i would have been like oh yeah it doesn't actually matter your baby can sleep whenever they want to sleep you know a routine is great but but you had this in your head he needs to sleep before three o'clock so that then he will be in good form and then get in but like yeah it was all about growing and him being healthy of course yeah because he was just so sick all the time. At the same time, guys, you have no idea how much time she spent rolling him in the pram. Him sitting bolt upright out of the pram, looking around. Why are we doing this? Like, I always tell new moms, get out there and meet other moms.

You got to have those mom friendships. I mean, there's so many things I would have just realized. It's OK, Dina. It's OK. I just needed another mom to i mean there's so many things i would have just realized it's okay dina it's okay i just needed another mom to say it's okay you know whereas i just didn't know and then in the middle of isolated we're living abroad yeah yeah because we moved in those early two years and he was just about getting tougher then but i still was too afraid to bring him anywhere because i knew the minute I do oh he's sick again another antibiotic and you do worry about that many antibiotics yes but they don't give them out so easily in England in Ireland they just back then he was on the antibiotic later in the show we're going to hear the most commonly asked questions on the internet about parenting.

This is something that I did with Sanyo Sullivan on the Irishman Running Abroad podcast, and you wouldn't believe the batshit crazy questions that people are asking in relation to running, but also in relation to parenting. But let's get to our first question from our first anonymous emailer who we are really grateful to and wouldn't have a show without. Question number one. Hi, Jar and Tina. Loving the pod.

It's so reassuring to know that there are so many other parents in the same situation and sometimes just not knowing what the hell they're doing. There have been so many times when you're in the middle of something and it's difficult with bedtime, sleep regressions, tantrums, etc. It always looks like every other mother has it all together while you're absolutely drowning. So thanks again for what you're both doing here. It's really needed. What a lovely start to this email. Well, Jar, sure i mean how amazing is that that's exactly the point of this show so i'm so grateful that's amazing yeah really kind uh of you

to say uh so let's get down to the question i'm hoping to get some advice if you have the time we of course i have two gorgeous funny and strong-w girls. One and three. My favourite type of girls. My eldest definitely found the adjustment to having a new sibling very hard. From day one, she's been very rough with her baby sister. She will hit her,

push her over, try to pick her up by wrapping her arms around her neck. Oh my god. She doesn't let the baby have anything. If she picks up a toy, she screams for it, grabs everything off her, and just hates when the baby gets any attention over her. Oh, my goodness, this poor mom must be exhausted.

But we've seen this before. I don't know if there's anybody who hasn't seen this taking place. So you're definitely not on your own. No, no. And I think to a degree it happens in every house. It's a, you know, can we bring the baby back now? Yeah. And I'm still doing it with my sisters now as a grown man.

I remember one of my friends, their older brother kept just kept moving the baby out of the room, you know, and closing the door. I mean, you can't really get your point across much better than that this thing needs to go okay well there's more here okay i've tried and this is great to hear yeah she has tried a lot of stuff i've tried all kinds of different techniques ignoring the behavior Obviously the first ported call. Yes. Ignoring the behaviour. Trying to take her out of the room.

Okay, that's good. So she screams, keeps running back. She's trying to keep them safe, isn't she? She keeps screaming and coming back into the room. Taking the baby away from the situation. Yeah, good idea. I've explained that I need to keep her sister safe. Just like I have to keep her safe. One of Tina's tips

from a previous episode. Aww. I try to praise her so much when she's being good and gentle with her sister. Very good. But I also sometimes get frustrated

at her because some days it happens quite a bit. So I end up shouting at her and there's nothing. That's understandable. Everybody raise their voice to understandable everybody raised their voice this woman is worried that the baby's going to get hurt that's completely understandable yeah oh i feel like i should have a consequence or punishment

for for hurting her sister she's only three though that's yeah this is this is where it gets tricky i don't know what that can be and what would suit her age which is the this is the question i've taken toys away i've tried a sticker chart and listen wait now i want to get this line right tried a sticker chart and took stickers away i just wanted to make sure that I was getting that right. So she tried the sticker chart and then took stickers off the sticker chart. Yeah. I tried to time out with her, gets really upset when I do that. And then we'll sit there, no problem afterwards and listen when I explain why I've done it.

But we'll also make sure she always gets her point across by continuously saying, for example, well, Mammy, I didn't want you to take that toy away. Oh my gosh, that's so cute. Well, there's a madam.

Or, Mammy, I didn't want you to walk away with my sister. Well, that's great. That's really hopeful there that she's she's reflecting in her own way so final words she says are i know she loves her baby sister because she will look for her when she's not around and the baby adores her too this is the thing at the heart of it there

is love any help or advice would be great sorry for for the long email. Thank you so much. Where do you start there, Tina? Well, that's a really hard one. It's a doozy. It's a worry. It is a worry. She could really hurt her sister and it wouldn't be on purpose because she's only a baby herself. So this mom, I'm really grateful that she did get in touch because definitely able to help her there with a few things. The first thing is she's three years old.

She's able to do so many things. Get her involved. Make her feel part of the nurturing team. Make her feel like she's really important. When you're changing the nappy, get her to go get the nappy and the talc and the nappy bag. You know, when you're feeding the baby, get her to go get the utensils you're going to need to feed the baby and just make her feel like she's such a help. You're such a good big sister.

Look at you helping mummy again. You're amazing. The baby loves when you help. You're such a great big sister. Things like that would be really great for her. Just simple tasks because children love jobs. And they also like the superiority that i am of course a big you are the baby you are the baby i can actually help mommy but they love feeling purposeful that's

why montessori is so amazing i mean they basically go to work for three hours of the morning polishing shoes and folding cloths and they love it um yeah the whole time she's helping definitely keep pointing out how much the baby loves her and how grateful mommy is for all the help um i definitely think that the mom because the sister has a lot of feelings towards the baby that she's not really able to process she's not understanding why she's feeling this way it might be helpful for the mom to empathize those feelings and to be say things like the baby's a lot of work isn't he isn't she takes up a lot of my time and it's just kind of diffusing it it's just kind of letting the little girl know mommy thinks the baby is tricky as well

because mommy does mommy's exhausted tough tough line to walk though without it turning into me and mommy have a good the baby mommy admitted to me the baby's a real pain in the arse okay i'm thinking of getting puppy instead sorry i nearly jumped there that's a good point but i guess i mean things like you know just saying um it's hard work admitting it is hard work being a mom isn't it yeah but i yeah it is hard work the baby cries a lot doesn't she but that's how the baby talks right now things like that are really good but you really made me laugh it is true that if you are going to do that thing of empathizing with the older kid in the situation just to widen the lens of this. Well, I guess keep it light, don't go too bitchy. The baby's such a bitch.

He's doing it again, mommy. Non-stop. That'd be so cute though, could you imagine? You'd really laugh. But not great. Not great. I guess then a better thing to do would be to say things like, I know we had loads more time together before the baby.

Oh, Jesus, really? Are you serious? I'm serious i'm deadly serious you're saying god things were great but what i'm trying to do is just get them the little girl to feel like okay i'm not a terrible person for thinking these things there's there's a rage in that little girl she's hitting the baby she's feeling things she doesn't understand and mom will diffuse it by just acknowledging those feelings too and saying it's okay it's very important for children to know it's okay to feel angry they're they're they're so worried about their angry feelings that it leads to behaviors so yeah you know i'm not saying it's a daily thing i think what you said is hilarious something i think that would be helpful too is to maybe get the little girl to hear the mommy say to the baby i can't do that with you right now

i'm gonna have to leave you here because i need to go help your sister with this and then the little girl thinks oh it's not just me who has to wait the baby has to wait too the baby has to wait as well so i think that would be the truth the baby doesn't right but you're right like but you have to you have to kind of do the pantomime yeah it's a bad well that's good that you wait here baby yeah i've got your sister to look yeah and you're right i don't even really mean it oh you're not definitely not going to mean it you're not going to put the baby out on the roof like you stay there yeah you did the right thing there though because i do forget that sometimes parents don't know that you are having to go and do

you know tv children's host kind of thing um i'm gonna have to leave you here now because your big sister needs me and you're gonna have to wait and all you're doing is strapping her into the high chair yeah of course yeah so yeah and the little sister it'll go in it'll be like oh it's not just me or the baby and actually she'll might feel sorry for the baby that the baby has to wait so you're just trying to build their camaraderie really yeah but it's a two-way street of you wait because that is tough that's tough and we don't even know you're doing it you don't because the baby you kind of have to keep them safe they're so they can't fend for themselves at all.

They're so useless. Looking after themselves. It's terrible. But like they really, they're so delicate. So you're just so worried the whole time. So yeah. That's why this is so distressing.

I've seen this. I've seen scrapes on kids' faces from the older sister being like, look at these lovely eyes rubbing at his eyeball. I know, I know. God, it's tough. The hurting, that is a worry. And that is scary for the mummy.

And it is dangerous for the baby. So she is going to have to get come. She's going to have to really give herself over to getting to stopping that behaviour. And what I feel like the babies look, the the toddler the older sister is definitely looking for attention i know i've said it before and i hope i haven't banged on about this but in those moments when you are cross and angry with your child you think about it you tend to do the things you never think to do when you're praising them you mostly get down to their level you're locked into their eye contact you are directing every single word to them really

forcefully now you think that's bad they might feel sad at the time but they're definitely getting your complete focus of your attention and that's what they want so children will seek that out because when we're praising them we tend to be quite offhand you know we don't make the effort to get down you say it look in the other direction or getting something out of a cupboard they'll seek out the the bad reaction because at least in those moments they get the full force of mommy talk to me about the sticker chart and the time out well i don't want to talk about that yet because what i want to say to that mom is that when she hurts the baby which she will again because she's in the habit of it now

pick the baby up and give all your attention to the baby. Whatever she does behind you, crying, bawling on the floor, whatever it is, just ignore it as long as she's safe and give all your attention to the baby. And when she's finally calmed down, then just go back to normal. Don't mention it. Don't mention anything. And later on, maybe before bedtime or something, talk to her about how we can't hit the baby. It's not okay. It's not safe. You're a big girl.

You are bigger than her. The baby can't even clap their hands, sit up by themselves. We really can't do that. But in the moment, give her nothing. Because what we need that little girl to realise is, I don't get attention for that. If anything, mummy gives the baby more attention when I do that. So she's so clever.

She'll stop doing it. Hopefully. Hopefully. But the sticker chart and stuff. Too soon. That's my instinct. Well, you can never take things away. You just can't.

Taking the stickers away? Yeah, that's what I mean about if you're going to do it, it has to be achievable. It has to be short and small small i'm learning yeah because if you're in a situation where the sticker chart is failing and it's going on and you're taking stickers away i mean that's traumatizing on that sticker that's traumatizing because that gets out of control very quickly the stickers get taken away for all sorts of things and the child doesn't feel...

Demoralising. Oh, yeah. No, I totally do not agree with that. But this mum is trying. She's really trying. Time out. Way too young. I just don't know what people are thinking when they put...

They're watching Supernanny. Yeah. End of story. Supernanny puts them on the step and it suddenly seems to be this cure-all but in reality they kind of need to be of an age where i do five minutes on the step can be possible yeah a minute forever i am on board with children having time to reflect on bad behavior but i think you have to be a certain age like we mentioned think sheets last week yeah reflecting on their behavior if you put a three-year-old on a naughty step you can be guaranteed if you go back 20 seconds later they have no

idea why they're there they don't and this girl does sound different because she's able to verbalize what she was feeling in those moments but still she's not going to connect that to the naughty step so i think i know she wants to do a consequence but the consequence can be like a verbal warning like what she can do is if you hurt your sister you are not getting to watch Peppa Pig today I have given you a warning if you do that Peppa Pig is gone then if she hurts her sister you come in and say you hurt your sister I told you what would happen no Peppa Pig today that's easy that's not a takeaway to sticker or there's no I've got ice lollies in the freezer if you hurt your sister you are not getting an ice lolly you hurt your sister and I told you if you did that you would knock it so that's more

achievable at that age logic yeah that's way more achievable at that age but you cannot ever do anything like that without first giving the warning because it's not fair they're only learning too well i heard the voice note that tina recorded for this woman and uh it's even more extensive than this answer that she's given that doesn't mean that you can't email in if you're in a similar situation want to describe something similar that's taking place that might be different in one aspect the best way to do that is ping it into honey you you are ruining our kid at gmail.com and tina will get straight back to you and also it won't last forever it just won't in the moment it feels like it will never stop but it will pass one thing i would

say though and something that's really achievable and possible if this mom could make time once every two weeks even 20 minutes in a day where it's just her and the older little the older girl they just have a moment she doesn't even have to just her and the older girl. They just have a moment. She doesn't even have to tell her that the baby's not coming. She doesn't even have to mention it, but just make that tiny window of time. And I know it's really annoying

when people say that because they're like, my life is so busy. But even if you can give it 20 minutes, a walk, you know, a snuggle,

something that's just them. Yeah yeah you do the coffee walk with mikey and it means the world to him yeah yeah that's if that's achievable do it because that'll change a lot of stuff too hey jaren tina absolutely loving the podcast i like reading out that bit of the email it's really nice that people say that my question is in relation to when you think a child should start school this is obviously something that a lot of people debate isn't it team yeah this this emailer though says my husband and i are locking horns on this right at the moment well it is it is stressful yeah well people of have completely differing views on when a kid is ready and what ready looks like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We seldom disagree as a couple or on parenting, but this is an issue we keep revisiting. My son was born in February and is now three and a half. I'm inclined to hold on to him until he's five and a half. But my husband wants him to go next year when he's four and a half. The manager of the creche has said he'll be ready next year. But I'm not sure.

I know it all depends on the child. My son is a very independent kid and has a brilliant language skills. He buy and sell you. independent kid and has a brilliant language skills he by and say however he has a limited attention span for tabletop activities and really dislikes things like coloring who doesn't never understood the point of coloring or the praise of those that could colour. I was like, come on, staying in the lines. Wow. What a life skill that's going to be. Have you any advice on how we'll know he's ready for school? Both my husband and I were extremely young going to school.

We both loved school and got on very well. But I think certain things were harder than they needed to be for me as a result of it e.g writing finishing homework i want school to be as stress-free as possible but i'm worried i'm projecting my own experiences onto myself we all do that so she needs of course but holding them back unnecessarily i just don't see the need to rush though of course the reduced crash bill would be nice and lordy lordy that's a whole nother bag of fish that we need to talk about at some point the sheer cost of this stuff in this country that we've moved to yeah but that is government absolutely insane that's a story for another day tina what's your take on this well um i'm early years right early years is my speciality yep

so i would always say keep them in early years as long as you can if you can oh as long as you can absolutely until they're six absolutely But it depends on the setting. If your child is lucky enough to be in a Montessori earlier setting, don't take them out early. Let them experience the joy of that incredible Montessori experience. If they're in a nursery or preschool,

don't take them out early. It's fantastic. They're just going to be more and more ready and equipped for school. If they're in a creche, which are amazing facility too, but they're not actually focused on any of the academic side of learning, the numbers, the sounds, the writing, the preparing the hand, the preparing the coordination,

then I think don't keep him there and send him on to school. My reason for that is that if he's while it's great for him to be playing and coloring which is fantastic he might get bored and when it's the risk there when children get bored they can become despondent it can lead to them feeling unhappy and they don't really know why they're unhappy at school but it's not challenged they're not challenged at all yeah and feeling not challenged can then lead to behaviors like that is that sounds very very scary for this mom to hear but on the other hand if she's worried about him socially another year in crash would be great because maybe he just needs that extra

bit of socialization with kids and he'll be much more confident going to primary but i guess at the end of the day what she needs to do is she needs to go to the people i know she's mentioned that the crash person has said he's ready but she needs to actually go to them and say exactly her worries and concerns she needs to get a proper answer from them she also needs to ask what is his day like here like Like what does he do? Is he busy enough? Because if he's not he just another year will he'll be he'll seem so old there.

But won't the creche people say oh he needs another year because they want the moolah? But they've already told her he's ready for school. Okay. So they're obviously not that way.

They don't need to worry about filling his place either. You have experience of going to school really early. Tina was like 11 going to UCD. 11! Well, the age does get younger every time you tell the story. I was 11 going to secondary school.

I was 17 going to UCD. Yeah, but just before I stop here, I do think that mother also needs to go to the primary school and get a feel for the private school can you envision your child there can you picture it because you need to trust your gut on these things yeah she'll know like i would say early years is incredibly important for your child if you can keep them on if it's a great setting do but if it's not send them to school because it'll just be wasting your money.

I also feel like the dad wants the boy to qualify for an extra year of under 14, under 16 sports. I was always envious of the lads that got to play an extra year. Yeah, I don't think going to school early, though, was a bad thing for me. I think some children are just ready.

I think the only time it was embarrassing for me was when i was in ucd and i couldn't get into any of the clubs but that also this is just a side note on exactly how honest and sincere we'd rock up to a place yeah this is prior to me meeting you yeah i shouldn't say i met you earlier when i was 18 she was 18 and her friends told me that they'd go on a night out with yeah i couldn, I couldn't cope with the stress. She'd get to the bouncer. Bouncer would say, what age are you? And Tina would go, I'm 17.

I shouldn't be here. I don't know why. I shouldn't. This is crazy. I can't be here. I'll go home. It's okay. And my friends would be like, oh, you're so annoying.

Because they were good friends. And they'd be like, we'll go home too. But yeah, no, that was my only thing i'd never it never affected me ever no but it obviously did this mom so she's worried but um i with confidence if it's a good earlier setting don't take them out early it'll stand to them i mean it'll only help them i mean that's proven know that. I mean, and if you're lucky enough to get them in Montessori till they're 12. Holy moly. Incredible.

I'd love to know if there is such a place. Like, I've heard... We know there. But sure, I worked in a Montessori like that. Till they're 12. Charlie, you can stay in Montessori till you're 18 years old. I know that. And people don't know that.

Yeah, it's just a different approach to teaching. I've never met somebody who went... I went to Montessori school until I was 12 Hosier did the school Hosier went to in Britain

I guess I have met someone but like he's not a success I feel like it's time for some parenting news. Well, this week, I don't know why, but I was Googling the most common questions parents are asking about their kids. To see if they matched up with the ones we're getting. Yeah yeah i guess i was trying to see is there a correlation or whatever and then uh um i came across this buzzfeed article where they had gone to that effort apparently but i'm not so sure i smell a bit of bs reading these questions i feel like this is made up so they maybe they've pulled the 29 toughest parenting questions worldwide you know

the ones that pop up all the time and the first one they say is most parents are always asking themselves who do they love more their partner or their child when when when is that happening we all know you love your child more. You just stayed really quiet. Charlotte just looked at me there so hurt. He looked so hurt. Oh, God. You don't ever think about that. It's a different kind of love.

You don't compare, right? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah, totally. This just feels odd. Like parents, like they're asking. That's a top question. This just feels odd. Like parents, like they're asking. That's a top question. Like, come on.

I've never had anyone ask me that or heard anyone talking about that. Are these internal questions that people are, how do they pull this question from the internet? These are the most submitted questions. Question number two is, to spank or not to spank i mean spank spanking i mean like when was this taken like i'm sorry i know this is a zero judgment podcast but if you're still spanking your kid stop and also if you're still spanking your kid you're not wondering should i be spanking my kid like he seems to not like it but it's time i it. It says here 50% say, sure, it worked for me. And 50% say, no, no way, it's abuse.

That would be the law. Yeah. 50%. Agree with the law. Agree with the law. We all know that if you're spanking, that is a sign that you have lost your way. You're not in control of the situation. Shouting.

I think a better question. Shouting you've lost your way. You're not in control of the situation. Shouting. That's a better question. Shouting you've lost your way. Yeah. Reminds spanking. Ah, but look, who doesn't let a roar? Yeah, of course you do, but that's a sign to you. Get back on the way.

If I get so cross with Mikey that I'm shouting, in my head I'm thinking, you've lost. Were you spanked, Tina? Was I spanked? No, I was wooden spooned. What? That's the truth No I was wooden spooned What?

That's the truth I was wooden spooned I don't know if we're going to be able to put that in Why not? That's the truth Were you spanked? No way you were At times I felt like I should have been spanked

Oh me too Is that it? When you tell stories I'm like you deserve to spanking I was a good kid And the only kid in my house who didn't get a slap on the arse. Charles, you used to.

When you knew your parents were going out to the pub, you'd get into the boot and hide in the boot of the car and then walk into the pub during the night while they were trying to relax and have a drink. What a character. What a character. What a little...

They must have been terrified of you. Adorable. They couldn't relax. He could be. I hid in the footwell of the back seat of the car with some coats over me. I would have been spanked. And then I crawled, pulled down the seat and crawled through to the boot. I remembered you and I planned it the whole evening.

But what the hell was going on in that house that they didn't check where's Jar before we go to the pub? Honestly. They didn't say goodbye to me. So remind me, they're in the pub, relaxing. You walk in. What age are you?

I walk in in my pyjamas into the pub. What age? And I can remember my dad nearly spitting out his pint and getting off his stool as quickly as he could. Daryl, it's so wrong what you did.

I went in rubbing my eyes, like really feigning, kind of, where am I? Like that kind of shit. Were you 12? Yeah, no, Tina, this is last year. No, I think I was six six old enough to know

dastardly behaviour Tarlet yeah for the look I didn't get I didn't get a spank for that is public shaming good

where did you even find this article yeah Buzzfeed but public shaming that's a I think that's a that's a really open question because is it if it means parenting public parenting i'm like all for it don't be

afraid to parent your child in public although stop being afraid of that because your child knows if you are there's a big difference though public shaming is um telling people about how bad your kid is. Oh, OK. Yeah, definitely don't do that. Don't do that. Please stop. And how he's an absolute nightmare and thinking that you can shame him into better behaviour.

When parents talk about their kid in front of their kid. Oh, God. Oh, yeah. And we know that happens to this day. I'm just going to skip a few of these. But the point that you make, though, is something that you've kind of been saying the whole way across this series,

is you can't be afraid to do the parenting in public because the kid figures out he's afraid to say it before. Well, you always, always know them. I mean, we all saw Kate Middleton or whatever her name is. Best moment of the summer.

There's no way that little guy, I don't know his name, Archie? Louis. Louis. There's no way that little guy didn't know. She won't try it here. She won't do what she does at home here. I might just include the clip in the info because it is absolutely wonderful to see Kate speaking through her teeth going, stop it.

Stop it now. You can stop it or there will be no Fabergé eggs this evening for you. No Fabergé eggs. But yeah, no, you can always, you can always see it a mile off the parents who are afraid and the kids know it.

That's why they're doing it. They're like, she will never pull that shit here. They're like, yeah, go for it, mum, go on. My heart went out to Kate because it's like, is there anyone who would have continued and been strong enough as a parent to discipline their child

and not just on national TV yeah but with the gaze of the world's media well yeah would you do it very tough oh I would have picked him up

and we would have left definitely I would have been like ringing one of my hundred nannies and going, you need to take him, he's making out. Can you imagine the media storm that would have caused? Yeah, I would have just owned it. I would have said, he wasn't there. Clearly a problem child.

Instead, what she got to do was, he's now a legend. He's a character. But you would have made it appear. No one thinks that. Well, obviously. No one thinks Louis is a legend. Well, they think he's a legend, but nobody thinks that Kate did a great job.

They just won't ever say anything bad about her. And I don't think she didn't do a great job either. I'm just saying that in those moments, we all got to see that she couldn't parent her child. He would not listen to her. And she was mortified. And she spent the rest of the time since kind of going oh he says the most darling thing and he's like yeah does he does he because we also did like parenting

news here is evolving into a very very important question if you ask me and i'll pose it if we haven't received this email maybe you have received this email. What do you do? Yeah. If your kid is playing up fuck. Yeah. In public. Okay. Knowing you won't do anything about this

because you're too embarrassed. What do you do? Well, I guess you go to distraction. Like that's what Kate did that day. She gave him to his granddad. That's a good technique. She gave him to his granddad. That's a good technique. She gave him to somebody else. She kept switching it up, trying to distract him.

But if you're in that habit, it's very hard to break it. For you to break your habit. Yeah, as the parent. The child has you figured out completely. And it's very tough. Yeah, really tough. And I would just say to moms like that or dads like that, that you just have to find the strength in yourself

to not care what anyone thinks about you while you're parenting your child. But what... You looked at these questions that were apparently, and we'll put the link... I just think they're all made up. All bollocks, right? Clearly from somebody who doesn't have kids. I think so. What do you think is the most asked parenting question of all?

That isn't, it's obviously not in this article. What do you think parents are? Sleep. I think it's always comes back to sleep or eating or pooing. Yeah. So if you're experiencing stuff in that realm, you're not on your own. That's what we're seeing in the emails. Yeah.

And mostly sleep. Sleep. Mostly sleep. Poo. realm. Yeah. You're not on your own. That's what we're seeing in the emails. Yeah. And mostly sleep. Sleep. Mostly sleep. Poo. Eating. Eating. And like that one we just talked about,

they're hurting their siblings. These are all the most common things, I think. Yeah. And the odd one is my child okay? Is he okay?

Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, those are tough. Those are tough, yeah. But I always think if you're asking yourself that, you should be proud of yourself because

so many parents don't notice it till it's too late. Till it's too late. And then they're the Taoiseach. And then you're in trouble. But if you get in there before the age of six, between zero to six, there's so much you can do to change the future of your child. If you see behaviours that are worrying you,

if you see maybe ways they're acting that are worrying you intellectually, physically, between the ages of zero to six, there is so much. That's why they're all of a sudden people realizing early intervention works. and processing um all these different things that we see in you know our children if they're having any struggles with that don't give yourself a tough time for thinking it act on it act on it trust your instinct our final question of this episode and thanks t, Tina, for doing this. It's a lot of fun to record. If you're enjoying it, why not give us a rating on Apple Podcasts or wherever you're listening

to your podcast now. That will immeasurably help us climb the charts. Question number three. OK, my situation at the moment is we have a son. He is three and a half years old and he's always been

mild chatty funny social guy i've always wondered if he was slightly sensitive as from birth i could never put him in the pram or walk or a car seat well he only ever wanted to be on my hip or on me okay loud noises new people large groups were always very hard and still are yet totally normal and manageable in that way it just seemed like this is his temperament okay just most recently though this week a seemingly small moment of frustration i.e two duplo blocks not fitting together i know how frustrating that is myself have resulted in some very intense bouts of ear splitting cream screaming oh wow uh the last one lasted for 10 to 15 minutes when this is happening he wants to be alone he will hide under his bed

he's three yeah three and a half in In a corner. And continue to scream. Scream and scream. And sometimes throw. Okay. He doesn't want to be spoken to. Even calmly. He doesn't want to be touched. It only makes it worse.

Right. So I stay nearby. Quietly. Calmly. Waiting for it to pass. Okay, brilliant. I feel so helpless. It's so distressing i can only all i want to do is hold him afterwards when he's calm he has either whimpered it out or

as it was uh or it's as if a light switches off and he tells me something random as if it hasn't happened we have a hug and i wait until later to talk to him about it it's happened once in the night where he is screaming and screaming and screaming we can't touch him or comfort him it's so hard i wonder if he was processing something that happened earlier absolutely Absolutely. What a smart man. I guess I would just like to know, A, is this normal for a three and a half year old of a tantrum behavior like this? B, what's the best thing to do when it's happening? And C, should I look more into what else is going on in his life outside? I really appreciate your advice and i don't expect

your knowledge to be free of charge it is 100 free let me know yeah yeah i'll take that last line again i really appreciate your advice let me know i really appreciate your advice wow well yet again i mean we get these questions in and my first thought is always how great how lucky these kids are that these are their parents don't you feel that way because they're all little people and they're all being observed so well in a way that children never used to be um my heart goes out to this mom because she asked the question, is it normal? And it really isn't.

That is very extreme. And there's a few things that spring to mind when I hear what she's describing. Firstly, I think he's obviously a very, very intelligent boy who is very tough on himself when things don't go right for him i think he is probably quite high functioning in his intellect i'm assuming because i don't know him but it sounds like he is uh very tough on himself he could really benefit from a lot of work about feelings and what we're feeling. Okay. And different kinds of feelings and how it's okay to feel all those different kinds of feelings. How mommy gets angry too.

Daddy feels angry sometimes. You know, to empathize with how he feels in those moments. To let him know it's okay and that sometimes we learn that way through our mistakes. God, love him. Mistakes are important. that kind of talk, because I feel like he really is putting himself under a lot of pressure, especially when she talks about how he will remove himself and cry alone. I mean, that poor mom, that must be heartbreaking for her,

especially when she wants to comfort him. But again, I feel that's him not allowing himself the comfort of his mother because he feels so disappointed in himself. She's very wise to say that thing about processing. And if that's what woke him up later, I do think that's the delay or he's revisiting it even in his sleep. Another sign how tough he's being on himself. sleep another sign how tough he's being on himself and I think that it's really important that she she goes out and seeks out loads of books about feelings and different things and just reads them with him constantly I know I'm always harping on about the colour monster pop-up book but it is brilliant and there's a little activity in there that she could definitely use where she has a jar

and she could leave red baubles everywhere and he gets to fill that jar instead of you know being so tough on himself he can put those feelings somewhere else wow um you know what she mentions at the start though about him not going into his pram and excuse me not going into his car seat and things like that and always having to kind of hold him and wear him. It sounds like he needs, he has a sensory issue there and he might need a sensory diet. Now... What's that? Well, sensory diets are incredible.

Every child would benefit from having one, but some children need them more than most. And it just means that some kids, their bodies are so sensitive to sensory stimulation that it is hard for them to concentrate on other things or deal with things because they can't get by the feelings in their bodies. And this is why occupational therapists are amazing. And if this mom could get a referral from her GP to an OC, she would be able to help her set up a program for her kid. This kid definitely needs one and it will help him in processing his emotions too but you can google sensory diet there's so many

printable pages online and really it's just a series of exercises sensory exercises that you can easily do with your child like I would always employ them in the classroom um so we're talking brushing so a hard bristle brush or a soft bristle brush, bristle, I can't say it, you would sit the child down and you'd say, we're going to do our 10 exercises, we're doing our sensory session now. And best to do it at the start of the classroom day, because then they're at their calmest. They've had that sensory issue dealt with and their body is calm and they're able to focus and deal with everything else that's going on in their little body. So the sensory exercises that you can use, you get an array of them online.

You do them with your kid and you find the one that suits your kid most. Obviously, if you get an OT referral, that's better because the occupational therapist will know exactly the exercises your child needs to do but better to do some than doing none. So you could do brushing and that means brushing down the arms, brushing up the arms, brushing down the other arm, brushing down the legs, brushing up the belly, brushing in the hair. Then you can do squeezing, squeezing balls and squeezing themselves. You can get one of those therapy bowls. You go rolling over back and forth on the bowl. You can do pushing bowls against the wall as hard as you can. You can stand yourself beside the wall and push back against the wall as hard as you can.

Pulling are brilliant exercises. You get a kind of stretchy rope. You sit the child as far as you can away from them and you pull the child towards you and then they pull away all these things help them calm down some children who bite just need a sensory diet for their teeth and you can get special brushes that when you they've brushed their teeth you go in and you do a sense you kind of push down and their gums brush around and that stops them needing to bite that day. Sensory dyes are incredible. This mom definitely needs one for her child.

And I'd imagine if she does that, I would recommend she goes to the GP. Tells him or her everything she's told us. Just to be on the safe side. Yeah. And she'll have to go to a GP to get an occupational therapist referral as well. And there might be other things they can help with like play therapy yeah and stuff and i think that if she works with this child on his emotions she reads lots of books around it she's doing the very right thing when she stays away from him and lets him do that what she could do in those moments though is she could do what I call a de-escalation script where he doesn't want her near him,

but he's obviously going through a very tough time, as is poor mummy watching it. So a de-escalation script just means when they're in those moments, you say their name calmly, okay? You're just letting them know, you're acknowledging them as a person, you're saying their name. Then you're just letting them know you're acknowledging them as a person you're

saying their name then you say something like I can see something has happened that's made you really sad just leave that with them now you've acknowledged that they feel sad and they're aware that you think it's okay that they feel sad or angry then you say I'm here to help. I'm going to help you. And you leave a pause. I'm here to listen. And hopefully if they've calmed down, you say, come with me. Let's talk about it. Let's go help you.

And the child just feels like, okay, it's all right. Mommy's not even angry. I got mad. She just wants to help me deal with this. And the de-escalation. And you've seen this work. Yeah, well, I would have used that in school if I was with children who had severe behaviours.

And it really did help them. It takes them off the ledge. It's very powerful for them to feel like, okay, I'm not on my own. They've recognized I'm hurt. That's the word I'm like, I've been hurt. And that's all that just need that. We need that as grown up.

Well, as I said before, I did hear the voice note that Tina sent this mom and the voice notes she's been recording for the countless other moms and dads that have been in touch, and it's even more detailed that the answer she's giving here here i wasn't expecting you to say that but um this mom got back to me and the books on the feelings are working already she said in a week it's changed a lot for them and uh she is going to get that referral for the ot but uh yeah i was so happy she said that the working on his feelings and helping, that was working immediately. So that was really great to hear. But this is a very specific case.

And if you have something similar that you want to ask Tina about, as we said, as always. Yeah, like I felt a lot of responsibility when she said, is this normal? It would have been wrong of me to say yes. Yeah. Because there's something else happening there. And, you know, it's better to be safe than sorry.

Trust your mummy gut. Go to the doctor. Tell them everything you've told us. You know. It's the final part of the show and my favourite part of the show. I love the show. I love making the show. It worries me every time you read it.

I have loved making this podcast ever since day one. It is such a joy to make and so much good comes from it. Things are really tight out there and this is free hell. You know, we're a bit blown away by the reaction.

It's been amazing. So we really appreciate that. The end of the show is always the opportunity for full disclosure. I think that we're going to call that section full disclosure. Full disclosure. Part of the show where you the opportunity for full disclosure. I think that we're going to call this section full disclosure. Full disclosure.

Okay. Part of the show where you get to say to me, Tina, something you wish I would just stop doing as a parent. Yeah. Okay. And I get to do the same. Yeah. All right. You've usually gone first.

No, no. You go first. You go first. I will go first this week. Brave man. You are in the habit. Oh, God. Of talking yourself down in front of yourself.

Oh, Charlotte, that's not okay to say that. That's not okay. Is it not true? That's just a habit in general. It's not just, I don't save it for Mikey. What would you say to a parent who emailed in? Yes, I know. Where they said my partner is forever talking

negatively about themselves I would say maybe as a partner to your partner you should be nicer to them

I would say maybe you're the reason blah blah blah no I'm joking but what's the risk of that I know you'll pass on the behaviour

to your kids I don't mean to do it. I just have a allergic reaction to your question. I know, I know. I am trying. I am trying. Okay. I catch myself doing them and I feel terrible.

That's it? Yeah yeah but of course i feel bad leave me alone of course i would tell a parent not to do that i would of course okay if a kid starts talking negatively about themselves though what does that do oh look i get it i get it but i like i worry about it because first of all you've no reason to talk negatively about yourself. All right. But it is a bit of a soundtrack to our lives at the moment. Oh, mate. Tina failed her theory test.

No, Charlotte, don't tell them that! For her driving. Oh, I'm so embarrassed. I'm so embarrassed I'm so embarrassed I need to do this no do it I want the listeners

to be behind you on this journey it's terrible no I wasn't going to tell anyone about the second one I don't drive we just moved countries

I've always lived in the city we're now living in the middle of nowhere I'm convinced the mums at the school think I lost

my driver's license during driving or something. I've never driven. I just never wanted to. And now... And I was being chauffeured around by my lovely husband. Yeah, he never stops reminding me. I mean, chauffeured around. Wait till you're driving and we'll see how good you are.

He can't miss a curb. Guys, just to be clear, when I'm driving, she is just scrolling on her phone. That's not true. Taking care of many, many messages. My heart's in my mouth when you're driving. Really? You're not asleep. Anyway, I don't know how to drive.

I booked to do the theory test. I actually tried really hard. Unconscionable, let's bullshit this theory test. No, but like people pass a jar jar let's be like that's it's a crazy test i'm like well other people are passing it i failed it i'm so questions are like what percentage do you think well like oh those debts in the country involve alcohol the fuck would i know that why would i need to know that to drive a car well i did know all those answers anything you could learn how did you know that anything you could learn off i learned off it was the what would you do if you see a man

running across the road wearing a yellow t-shirt i don't know tell him to cop on like honestly anyway i can't believe you publicly shame me i got seven wrong seven came home telling mikey what's it feel like to have a mother who's a failure i was joking and i was very sad i was so embarrassed okay well done okay i'll take it on board take it on board okay that's the end of this is it on board what's my you. I'm ready for this. Back at you. I would like you to stop saying, Tina, can you stop putting yourself down in front of Mikey? Save it for when he's out of the room. What's the impact of that? I don't get it. The impact of that is showing Mikey that what your mother's doing right now is not good.

No, I think you should. And you shouldn't do that. Okay, I have another one. I think you shouldn't do that. Okay, I have another one. I think... Stop being so attractive. It shouldn't be that funny. Hurtful how funny she's finding that. I don't know.

I think I don't have any foibles with you. I think you try really hard. Bollocks. Bollocks. I'm driving you mad half the time. That's normal enough, Gerard. We've been together forever. I'm driving you mad. The Regan problem is my face is a window to my emotions. Oh my God. He has passed that on to Mikey, which is awful. I can't help it. which is awful.

I can't help it. 23 years ago, I went to Gerard's house and I realised that nobody in his family has the ability to not show how they're thinking on their face. And it's a disability, it is. Because, like, if they don't like what you're saying, they think they're doing a great job of masking it, but you're like, I can see.

What can I do? You can just smile or something. I don't think of masking it, but you're like, I can see. What can I do? You can just smile or something. I don't think it's normal for people to be like, you're talking fucking shite all over your face. When I'm smiling, when I'm doing a painted on smile, you know, I'm just very honest. But if someone's annoying you and if someone's annoying Mikey, it's all over your face. They're annoying you. You can't even pretend. You can't even just be like,

oh, this is okay. That person, everyone in the room knows. You see, I think I'm pretty sure that it's because... You've gotten good. I helped you. You're annoying me an awful lot of the time. You're not even aware. I think I told Mikey the other day

that when I met your father, he was a nightmare. You would lose friends because of your ability to not show what you were thinking on your face. You know you would you would lose friends because of your not ability to not show what you were thinking on your face you know you would jar i'm trying to do the most neutral face right and i told mikey it is possible to change that we have to be very careful of our resting place and that look at daddy now he's doing great and that is something come on jar that is something i helped you out with yeah i, I'm having a great... Ger, people used to think you were so full of yourself.

You were the nicest person in the world. But it was just your face's fault. Because your face... My face looked smug. Yeah. It's true. Thanks for this, Tina. This is, again, still my favourite part of the show.

But you're a lovely man come on you gave your kidney to your brother you were so kind I'm really sick you'll never ever make me feel bad

about that what you had a very smug face when we first met I had nothing to be smug about now you do

it rubbed people up the wrong way okay they got the wrong impression of you and now you're better at hiding your

smoke face true self that's our show for this week please do pass it on mention it at the gate put it in your

whatsapp group whatever parenting stuff you're involved in please do recommend Honey You're Ruining Our Kid from the Irishman Abroad Podcast Network and Go Loud

shout out to D Ready shout out to everybody over there at Go Loud to Mikey for always being the best to all of our emailers to you Tina for surrendering

to do this even though you didn't want to do it in the beginning you are knocking it out of the park. Thank you so much, everybody. We'll talk to you next week.

What? Bye. Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid is an Irishman Abroad podcast presented in association with Go Loud. Editing, research and production by Jarlik and Tina Regan. To hear even more Irishman Abroad podcasts, including extra bonus episodes of Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, go to patreon.com forward slash Irishman Abroad today. Don't forget to email Tina your questions on Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid at gmail.com because,

hey, let's face it, it's hard to raise kids not to be gobshikes.