Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - EP 7 Talking To Kids About Death, Toilet Training Regression & Friend Ownership Issues

Episode Date: October 16, 2022

What should you do if your toilet training plan goes off the rails and your child regresses back to having accidents? Tina has the answer you have been looking for. What do you do when you kid's best friend seems to want them all for themselves? How do you step in without going down the path of challenging the parents of another child? Death has been all around us for the last two years but that doesn't mean it's any easier to talk to our little ones about it when they start asking questions. As always Tina applies her 20 years of experience in early learning and severe behaviour units to help the listeners with what they are facing this week. Jarlath opens up about the time he nearly decapitated his kid and finds a parenting news story from India that will blow your mind. A grown man suing his parents for giving birth to him! You couldn't write it. Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid is an Irishman Abroad Podcast made in conjunction with GoLoud. To contact Tina with your questions just email [e-mail]

it's honey you're ruining our kid the parenting podcast from the irishman abroad podcast network and go loud with me charlotte reagan and me tina reagan the real brains behind the operation the parenting and child development expert with more than 20 years of experience you email in your questions anonymously to her and she will provide an answer we'll select the ones that we believe will reach the most people on the show and that's how it's going to work. This week we have three humdingers of questions that definitely cover topics that need to be talked about. Now last week we definitely needed to talk about, Dina,

your one regret from when we had our little boy as a baby. Yeah. I didn't get a chance to say what my one was, maybe because it was too harrowing at the time. But I am, of course, referring to the time I threw our son in the air while a ceiling fan spun above him. I still feel sick when I think about it. It was like slow motion as he left my hands.

Yeah, I couldn't even get the word through. Seeing the hair on his head fly backwards. Nothing happened. But I mean, it was as close to death as a life flashing before your eyes moment. And I guess it forced me to rein in all of my behaviour around being kind of, I'm a crazy dad. I'll do it. I throw my kids in the air. It's crazy. I had to sort my shit out. And from that day, I'm not sure I ever my kids in the air. It's crazy. I had to sort my shit out.

And from that day, I'm not sure I ever threw him in the air again. You threw him or any other child. Or any other child. I was admittedly doing to children I didn't know in the street. And it was a learning curve. It was a regret,

but definitely a vital moment in my development as a father. Well, I do find it hard to think about that. But I mean, you know, I blocked it out. When you say it there again, it's like, oh, God, right back watching it. But we were lucky. We were lucky. Nothing happened like it.

Yeah, but it was a moment of madness. My own father had tremendous fear of kids falling over, right? He would lunge across rooms with random strangers around when he saw a kid heading for a step. And unfortunately, I inherited the same level of worry gene that I would see kids who were kind of tottering along. You know that age where they're at, where they're kind of dragging the front of their toe on the ground. So if any item of pavement was a little bit up, it would be a face plant. And that sound is the most haunting sound for me. Well, you were the entertainment in the schoolyard in England.

All the mums used to love watching Jarlett, like, watch the children try and play on the climbing frames. And he just couldn't. He was like a nervous wreck. I was facing the wall. The whole time going, oh, my God, there's going to be so many accidents. And nothing would ever happen. But Jarlett would have completely have had just a awful few moments watching nothing ever happened because i prevented all these yeah yeah yeah

rebalance i do remember a lot of the time having my face to the wall i just couldn't watch we would have organized let's organize a birthday party brilliant i'll just wait in the car it would make the other moms how like you they just thought it was hilarious. Kids hurt themselves, guys. Watch out for it. Be careful. We've so much to get through this week. I reckon we just plunge straight into question number one. Tina and Jar, I discovered the podcast from an old episode of The Six O'Clock Show.

You know how you do. Go through the archives over a third of media. I can't watch that. I'm still so embarrassed embarrassed you were brilliant on it we have a son aged three and three months and he started montessori in september we toilet trained him in may he was peeing successfully and doing pee and some poo on a potty fair play well then we went away in june uh-oh and he regressed i think due to being out of a swim nappy at the beach etc he ended up putting we ended up putting him back in the nappies on the holidays

and he was constantly wetting and soiling himself in public. When we came home, we removed the nappies during the day and put him back into regular pants. Okay. Since July, he will only pee in the toilet and he only poos in his regular pants or in his night time nappy. We removed the potty altogether. He goes to sleep in a nappy at bedtime and nearly always does a poo in it before bed.

What else? I want to unpack what that tells you. He can go for hours not peeing if we're not in public. So he does have bladder control that's a fair point yes during the last two weeks every time he poos in his pants he wants to be cleaned up on his changing table but not in the bathroom and not in the bathroom right so there's there's there's a bunch of stuff there that's a lot because. Because having your pants changed on a changing table, I mean, it is the dream for everyone.

The level of attention. I can't get that visual out of my brain now. Since starting Montessori, she says, he's had one poo in his pants accident and is starting to pee in the toilet. So there is a limer of hope. Recently, we've tried to incentivise them. I love this.

With treats, new cars, to get them pooing in the toilet. This has had no effect. Oh God. Please, please, please help. Okay, well, this is a very tricky one, but also a very normal question for us to get. We seem to get this question all the time

from parents who are struggling with the toileting. Because... Because it doesn't go perfectly every single time. Every single time, no. Especially, you know, it's hard when real life comes into it.

Like they went away on holiday. Could be a death in the family. Yeah, you know. You're in the middle of the toilet train. But, okay, so what I'm going to say to her is he is still in the pants. Right.

And he's doing his wheeze in the toilet during the day. OK, so I think she needs to stop the toilet training, but she can't go back to nappies right now. So she needs to buy pull ups and she needs to give him the pull ups and say very little about it. But just the child will know that you can say they're like pants, but they're kind of nappies. And if you want to go to toilet, you pee pee in them pee in the toilet and pull them down and you know say as little as you can about them I know that sounds very frugal the reason I'm saying that is because what I want this family to do is to kind of stop the toilet training but if he is wearing pants I don't really want them to put back in nappies so pull-ups would be the good in between and when they've got a few days as a family midterm is coming up halloween to start the toilet training again completely and to make it really

exciting he's three nearly three and a half so he is a big boy and i want them to have like a family meeting or something and make it like go into full children's presenter mode and be like, you are such a big guy now. Big news. Big news. Just in from the school. This is very exciting. Your teachers agree with us. We know, we've noticed that we can trust you and you're a big guy and big boys don't wear nappies.

Do you mention the previous? No, never. Never. Never. You don't go, we fucked it up the last time. I know you failed i know you were not big enough then it was a disaster no no no no you lead it you have to lead it and you be like um say things like we are so excited because and now you are so big that all your weebies and

all your poo-poos are gonna go in the toilet just like daddy just like mommy children need to be told all the details like everybody poos they put them in the toilet they flush them away that's what every single person does you're a big boy now that's what you do too we're so excited that you're so big that you can do this nappies need to be gone now during the day no more nappies do you go to the bin with him and bin the nappies together? No. You just introduced a nice, exciting new pants that you bought. That if you wee in, you will feel wet. Okay.

And if you poo in, you will feel the poo. So don't do that. I had some visual of me doing a bonfire with the nappies. No, you give those nappies to another mom who needs them. Wasteful jar. That's what that is. But it is an occasion. Yeah. And you pick your moment.

Yeah. Midterm's a great shout. Make sure. Because we're going to be home for a few days. You're ready to do this again because it hasn't gone well for you guys. So make sure you're ready because if you're not ready, it won't work. So whatever about him being ready, you guys need to be ready to really do it this time because you can't go back to the nappies. You just can't. Whatever about the night time,

I know that that is too stressful for a lot of people. And they're just like, no, Tina, we're not doing that. Now, for me, if I was going to toilet train a child, I would always try and do it before they're two. And I would always look out for signs like, are they talking about the toilet? I know that sounds weird but that is a sign. Are they talking about where you do your wee wee and poo poo? Can you bring it up? Are they surviving a night in the

bed without weeing in their nappy? That's a major one. If they can do that that means they could be successful with pants. And she said that. He's got good bladder control. Yeah but she's also said he's doing the poo in the nappy when he goes to bed which said that he's got good bladder control. But she's also said he's doing the poo in the nappy

when he goes to bed which means when he's relaxing the poo is coming out. Ah, yeah. So he's obviously feeling under a little bit of pressure which is another good reason to stop the toilet drain

for a while and come back to it fresh. Gotcha. But when they feel like they are ready to take on this challenge they should go again. I would recommend

nappies gone during day and night. I get that that's a bit scary for most people so if they want to do a pull-up at night, that's fine. So a pull-up at night is better because you can tell the child, you can do your wee-wees in the toilet at night time too. And your poo-poos, just call us, get out of the bed, pull the pull-up down. What you want to do is phase out that pull-up and into pants. Like pull-ups are great because the child doesn't have to open them and take them off like a nappy. They can treat them like their pants. I don't particularly I would never use them myself but if they need

to they can. You're looking at me like you don't agree. No but I often just think about pampers and how much of a bloody racket it is that they convince the world. They have convinced the world. Nappies are over guys. It's time for night time pull-ups. Yeah but they have planted that seed.

So most people do think that that's the way to go. But I'm not going to judge anyone for using pull-ups or those mattress things. They're bloody brilliant. But I do think it would be better if the child feels like you trust them enough to not do it. Is there room for an adult reward chart in here? Oh, yeah. Like, I like that. It's funny that it's not working.

You know, that's why it's obvious this needs to be restarted. But maybe a tick chart in the toilet would be fun for the child to do. Like a very small A4 page, five columns on it, five days. You know, a reward that he would like, like a cartoon, an ice cream, something like that, that's there that you can use as a reminder to him. Remember, you're working towards that. And then then when he does his poo or wee he can take it himself um that could be fun for him to do fun for anyone to do quite like that i do myself you're making a good case for it but you know what i will say and i don't want to sound too shocking or alarming the child is nearly three and a half they're going to montessori school at montessori they're expected to do a lot they're an independent person that child can change himself now when he

has an accident jar that just like jar just swallowed his yeah no so you're telling me yeah well that child should be dressing themselves in the morning it's three and a half year old accident you go yeah on you go go get changed yeah well in my classroom and nursery i would have gone go get your i would have given the child their bag, brought them to a room where they had privacy and said, you know, change, change, off they go. Oh, my God. They're three and a half.

I know they're three and a half. There's just, I've often said that the saddest thing in the world is the image of a child packing his own suitcase. But, like, they won't, when, like, if you're the parent and your child is three and a half and they have weed themselves, they are fully capable of changing their clothes. Also, they're not getting the one-to-one attention

that they crave. They're having to, oh, this is so annoying. Now I have to change my wet clothes. Why didn't I just go to the toilet? Weeing yourself has to be less crap. Yeah. yeah obviously if your child doesn't have those independent life skills you will have to help them it should never be a punishment you're not saying this is your you terrible child change yourself you're just being like okay go get your clothes you've had an accident change it get into something else put those in the wash treat them with respect

treat them like you trust them you should have gone toilet and you should and you're in a toilet what were you thinking don't say that don't say none of your inner is important tone is important there's one thing that we learned from this is that when that intervention happens where you sit them down yeah you gotta be full game show host right it's so exciting and you are such a doing the you're three years old you're after wedding yourself go upstairs the tone has to be like you said

oh you've had an accident off you go off you go now and figure that out go get new clothes on put those on and watch I find it so hard not to say things like

not to worry no you can't say not to worry this is what I mean about tone like you can't go you need to say it happens to the best so

you just have to say you have to kind of come in with like if you were helping a child with their speech you would you would never correct them on the word you would just say the right word for them to hear it and then move on in the same way you have to say oh you've wet you've had a wee in your pants that should go in the toilet go get changed next time do your wee in the toilet please very good i would find hard to to walk that line of you're fucking eejit for fuck's sake you've done it again not again no never shame never shame just be like well well off you go get yourself changed then and they're going to be

in their head they'll probably you know they might be very cross about that but you'll be like sweetheart you've wet yourself you need to go change your clothes those go in the loo

yeah weebies gone to toilet poopies gone to toilet and get that everybody poos book it's brilliant I'll link that especially for boys

in the episode info thank you so much for this question honey you are ruining our kid at gmail.com it's the place to email

if you've got one for us for next week hi to you both really enjoying their podcast I have a six year old boy who is funny

and kind and since he could talk he has never stopped asking questions a good thing I know I think we can all agree sounds great

he's a sensitive boy who tends to overthink a lot. That was me at that age. In the last year, he's spoken and asked about death. He gets quite upset, understandably, but we never know what to say exactly. We don't want to lie to him about it,

but also would love for him to not worry about it. What language should we use to speak to him regarding death? We thank you in advance. Really appreciate any help you can give on this. This is a great question on a topic that kids are fucking fascinated. Well, they are. First of all, why is that, Tina? Well, I think the minute children start learning about numbers and how they go on forever, they're infinite.

For whatever reason, they start to think about our ages and our numbers. And why do we not get that old? Why can we not be a thousand? Well, because we die. We get older and we die. And it's a very normal thing for children in the kind of three to six age group to think about a lot they think about a lot because they're quite reflective children are quite deep tinkers they're also around older people who may pass on and they

are experiencing it uh it's very very very normal for first of all is what i want to say i am curious to know whether there has been a death in this child's family. But sure, look, there's so much about the news. Of course. It's a very stressful time to be a kid in terms of what they're being exposed to. It's a terrible war in Ukraine.

Pandemic. We're still coming through a pandemic. But it is very normal for children to ask these kind of questions. He's getting upset, though. That is worrying for me. And in that way, I think the mom needs to kind of read a few books with him about indirectly dealing with it. Like, you know, there's that gorgeous book, The Invisible String. Brilliant book. There's also that gorgeous book, No Matter What, by Debbie Glory that I just bloody love i can't

read it without crying but just normalizing the idea of is indirect the idea of death indirectly at nighttime while reading to him just making him feel like it's not so bad thinking these things these are things that are in you know this is a topic surrounding us whereas our parents were much more like, Jesus Christ, don't bring that up. It becomes the elephant in the room. But if you're doing those books, it's like, and that's part of life. Yeah. Well, like I always believe that, like she has asked, how do I talk to him about this? And I'm a firm believer in truths with children. I think children know if you're holding back and that leads to them worrying

and being anxious and thinking, why won't mommy and daddy tell me the truth about that? So in whatever words she is comfortable with telling him how she feels about debt, that would be the right way to do it. For me personally, I would talk to my child or the children about how we all have a life cycle, how we're a baby, a child, a teenager, a grown up, an old person. And that is we are very lucky if we get to go all the way to old age and that every day is so precious. And that is why we try our best and we try to do as much as we can because we all have a beginning and we all have an end. And it's really helpful for children if you start teaching them about different life cycles, like the life cycle of the butterfly, the life cycle of the frog, you know, the hedgehog,

different things like this, the chicken, where they see that every animal has different phases of life, a beginning, a middle and an end, and how it's a continuous thing that a person dies, but another person is born and kind of make it you know it's tricky because they might ask uncomfortable questions like i know you're dying to jump in no i'm not jumping i can see it you're not at all because i think that this mom has hit on a big thing that that is just a great sign of intelligence on the part of your kid yeah and that them asking these questions is so normal don't think that your kid is spiraling off down some dark tunnel no no no it is very normal as we grow up not to bother our bollocks wondering about the universe life

and the cycle of it all because we just get so stuck into the day-to-day but also you know some grown-ups are afraid to talk about like dying and death to children because they think the child is going to be like well this child is getting upset but they think it's too much for them but actually the fascination with the child can be completely not what the grown-up is expecting they can be fascinated by the idea of the dying and not see it as a scary thing at all. Sometimes that's what you have to rein back, you know, in that, you know,

kind of the goriness of it. Like, it can sometimes not be what you're expecting. And then almost always, the child will just accept what you tell them. Yeah, you lead it. And move on. They will just accept it. They'll be like, well, that's what mommy says, so that's what I think now.

So they will, you lead it, they will just accept. Like we've had quite a, you know, personal friend of ours whose child has had to deal with losing one of their friends. Tiny little kid. And in the same way, we had to guide that mom in helping her just tell the kid yes this is really unfortunate this is unusual most of us live a very long life but sometimes terrible things happen and kids or grown-ups die suddenly this is one of those times and that can be very tricky but again in the same situation that kid knew his mom was being honest with him and accepted what she told him because kids have a radar for bullshit. Wow.

Wow. They really do. Let's be honest. That is some of the fear in talking about it, isn't it? Yeah. If you at all big boogeyman it. Yeah. You know, and turn it into something that's kind of mysterious.

Yeah. And as you say, leading it-of-factly yeah they uh they will they will accept they trust you yeah they trust you and they know well mommy just told me that mommy knows like it's fine yeah my mom won't lie to me my mom won't lie to me my mom always tells me the truth yeah and they're they're not going to be the fascination kind of you've kind of you kind of um what's that word pop it then because you've punctured it because they're like oh well i know now yeah yeah whereas if it's the thing in the house that nobody talks about then it then it becomes fascinating then it's a worry then it's

something oh i can only think about that myself i feel like it's time for some parenting news. Okay. This may not be news to you, but there is a man, a 27-year-old man in India who is suing his parents for giving birth to him. What? Yeah. This is news to me.

A 27-year-old Indian man plans to sue his parents for giving birth to him what yeah this is news to me a 27 year old indian man plans to sue his parents for giving birth to him without his consent oh my god what a how disappointed must they be as well a mumbai businessman rafael samuel told the bbc this is not the national inquirer that it's wrong to bring children into the world because they have not they have to put up with lifelong suffering hang on these are his biological parents that raised him it was not my decision to be born he said oh my god that actually gives me a headache because like i mean what do you have to do what's hilarious is his parents are lawyers maybe this is the ultimate two fingers to his parents.

He says that he gets along. This can't be real. He actually says he gets on very well with his parents, both of whom are lawyers. They appear to be dealing with a lot of this with great humor. In a statement, his mother, Kavita Karnad, said Samuel explained her response to the recent upheaval my son has created. That's one word for it. I must admire my son's temerity. Did she say this through gritted teeth?

No, I think they've just raised a gobshite there. Like, I have to come out and say that. I mean, that is just a total waste of time. But this mom is so used to him. You can tell. Yeah, or she's enabled him so much his whole life that this is the result of it. She says, I must admire my son's temerity to want to take his parents to court, knowing both of us are lawyers.

He knew that. And if Raphael could come up with a rational explanation as to how we could have sought his consent to be born, I will accept my fault in it i mean well i love her mother slapped down there uh yeah if you can explain to me how i would have got a fucking consent off you then you're very welcome well she started that really well because i think i would just i wouldn't be able to stop saying, oh, my God, you are a major fucking disappointment. But like it's on like it's global news. I don't.

So is this actually he's actually doing this? Yeah. So I basically basically I wanted to find people who are suing their parents. That's what I wanted for for parenting news. There isn't that many examples of it. I know. Well, normally it's for an actually valid reason. That just sounds ridiculous.

Like, he's completely wasting time. Is that even going to get see it stay? I doubt it. Like, what judge is going to be like, hmm, this is a very, very good point. And it's also, like, not to get too serious, but it's also really unfair at a time when we've actually got court cases where, you know,

people who have done surrogacy are trying to get to be, you know, legal parents of their own embryo. And it's just like, this guy is totally making a farcical of it. Further evidence that he's a gobshite. Yeah, I think they have raised a gobshite there. They needed this podcast

in their life. I'm joking. We should do the tweets of the week. The parenting tweets of the week just get better and better and better. This one comes in from Michael C. Clark. Parenting is like a never-ending trust fall. Just absolutely superb. That's brilliant.

Parenting books never warned me how much I'd stress about socks. Are these your socks? Are these my socks? Where's the other sock? No, I don't know where your sports socks are for the game tomorrow. Why is there a sock in the fridge? Why am I always buying socks?

Where do the socks go, though? Where do the socks go? I don't know where the socks go. This is a parent. Also, if we're being honest, our child cannot put on socks. He is the worst I've ever seen, Darius. I think it's a piss take now. I think it's a piss take now.

This morning he put his socks on backwards, like the heel. With the heel at the ankle. I mean, it makes me want to bite into my hand when I see it. You know what? I actually had a recollection of walking around with my socks flapping off the front no right and i was like i heard my parents you need to pull your socks up and everybody having a good laugh about it but you know what it is what is it what it is is kids feet are so feckin skinny that the socks don't stay up. Yeah but Mikey has a

bigger slice foot than I do. He does he's becoming a giant Yeah Okay final parenting freeze of the week. My parents sent my kid a book that makes farting noise. Oh amazing What a great parent gift

as if I won't be the one picking out their nursing home. A book that makes farting noises. I just love the parenting presence, like grandparent presence to kids. I cannot wait. Like I used to do this when I was just an uncle, that I would arrive with a bag of sweets and just be like doling the

met slyly out of the corner of my hand yeah to any kid that ran by if I saw somebody doing that I would tear them apart the idea that I thought that was okay that like those kids weren't going to sleep yeah I was effectively dealing them drugs. Do you remember we went to your uncle's party and they'd left a big glass bowl

of lollipops. There was carnage. It was insane. He should have known better. He was a dad. It was like Scarface in the big bowl of coke.

But like, also it made no sense for him because his house was like a show house and then all these adult kids were going around running into walls. Smashing it up.

Like fighting. There was fights. We had to pull kids off each other. It was crazy. The things that I regret doing as an uncle back in the day. I can remember taking a niece of ours out to the zoo. Yeah. And her attempting to have a nap in the back of the car

and you telling her, wake up. I should have known because she's 18 now. I was teaching, but I didn't know babies had naps. Well, she wasn't a baby. She was nearly two

and I thought that if she had a nap, she wouldn't sleep for her mom that night. So every time the poor child tried to go to sleep, I'd be like, hey, what will we do? I am mortified by that. Because when I told her mom, I was like, she kept trying to go for a nap, but don't worry, didn't happen.

She kept her away. She was like, she hasn't had a nap. I was like, oh no. So that's heartening for people listening. There was a time when Tina knew, oh fuck off, I'm back in. Let's go to our final question. Question number three.

Hi Tina and Jar, I wanted to let you know how much I love the podcast. I've already picked up so many brilliant tips. The first thing I tried was the tapas style meals. Now this is becoming your trademark tip well I can't claim that because that is a mama pass on to me

but I have gotten so many emails going about the tapas holy moly this is game changing like people are yeah

you know just well somebody's calling it their DIY meals now which I love that's good but it's just about you make one dinner for the family

and all you do differently is separate the components of that meal into bowls and put empty plates out and just let the kids pick what they want. One mom got in touch

to say she can't believe it her kids are eating vegetables all the vegetables now. She just can't believe it. But like I cannot claim that idea. That idea was handed down to me by a mom.

It changed our life and I just love passing it on because it is a game changer. Eventually, you just phase it out and you get your plates full back again. It's such a brilliant move. This mom is loving it as well. She says, we have a very picky eater who would only eat beige food. But it is working well so far. And she's tried several new foods.

Oh, that's brilliant. The question. I have a question about anxiety and friendship issues. My daughter is six years old and recently came home from school feeling poorly with a tummy ache. But it was clear that she wasn't actually unwell. She was fine as soon as she got home. I set up a little worry jar for her.

Brilliant, brilliant idea. And I explained she could write anything she likes and put it in the jar. Within five minutes, she popped in a little note saying that two of her friends had been fighting over her. Oh, so stressful for a girl that age. At school. Oh no. Great mummy.

She found her best friend within her first term at school two years ago. And they are firm friends who spend a lot of time together both in and out of school she has a small group of other good friends who dip in and out often coming to play dates at our house recently she spent a day with a reasonably new friend from school and it seems to have sparked jealousy in her bestie who thinks the new girl is taking her away from her. I'm joking, but that's this is legit.

This is a legit problem. Yeah. My daughter is a very kind and loving person who wants to make everyone happy. She really does not like anyone being cross or upset. That's probably why everyone wants to be her friend. She's very kind little girl. She's very emotionally mature too. Being stuck in this middle of,

being stuck in the middle of this tug of war is upsetting her and making her not want to go to school. We've had a conversation about it and I have reassured her that this is not her fault. But my practical advice to her ends at, if you're feeling upset, talk to the teacher. I am reluctant to speak to other parents as it sounds like I'm being big headed and saying my daughter is so popular,

other children fight over her. And I don't want other children to feel bad either. They're all good kids. Yeah. And it is not malicious at all. Is there a more practical piece of advice and is there a more practical piece of advice you can give her to help deal with this okay well i think trust your instincts there do not talk to the other parents that's a waste of time why because it'll just make it bigger going to the parents straight away i never recommend that because children tend to work things out themselves and when you get the parents involved it can become a lot bigger what I love this mom's doing at Worry Jar how fantastic also her relationship with her daughter isn't sounds incredible I mean that is something she really has obviously worked really hard on

and she'd really feel proud of herself for attaining that because this little girl trusts her mummy. I do think that little girl is still holding back a bit. So I think maybe the word you're is great and they share that. But I think a diary would be really good for this little girl. A summer, a safe place that the mummy says this is just for you and want you before you go to bed at night, put down anything that's happened in your day and only you get to see it. It can be drawings or words and then mummy can have a look at that and get a clearer picture. But my piece of advice for this mum is you need to go to the teacher. It's the teacher that needs to handle this. I sometimes think parents forget that as teachers we work for the parents and it's our job to make sure the classroom is, the kids are socialising properly and that there isn't any elements within that that is stunting or causing anxiety in kids. The teacher can do a lot of different group or indirect group lessons on this.

this and it's the teacher's responsibility to make sure that every child in the class understands what it is to be a good friend and what's expected of you as a friend and how it is okay for friends to have other friendships and we don't own our friends they're allowed to go and be with other friends and that that is okay and it's not it doesn't mean that you have to panic and that you know in a way the teacher educating these little children about friendships is a much better way first of all they'll listen children will listen to their teacher it's just white noise and the parents say it they the children just think you don't get it you don't understand what i'm going through so i definitely recommend this this parent going to the teacher and asking her to do this and it's not a big ask that teacher should be noticing this

anyway if i was a teacher and i hadn't noticed this i'd be embarrassed because there's no way you're not observing that in the classroom and on the playground. And this little girl should not have that pain in her tummy. The poor little thing. She's obviously really stressed out by it, worried about offending different friends. And we all know how tough girls can be on each other from a very young age.

So when she's saying it's stressing her out or she's feeling that, she really is feeling that because she probably is having a rough time of it from friends you know it's great advice because i think that so many people are reluctant to ask a teacher to do something or teach a little lesson on a thing that they're witnessing but by and large teachers are going to be really open to that idea they should be and they should be doing it anyway what about the side of this question which is the sensitivity of the kid i know because i was definitely somebody who was a people pleaser and just wanted everybody to like

me and now it's really important that you said that because maybe the mom does need to help this child know that it's OK for you to have other friends. And it's OK for you to not want to play with that friend. And you don't need to worry about her feelings. That doesn't mean you're not a nice, kind little girl. Very, very nuanced. It's very tough because I feel like we made that mistake with our little boy. Our little boy for a long time and maybe even still now would put every child above himself. He just wanted every child to be happy and safe and feel good when they're around him and have a good time.

And to the point where he would suffer and he would be exhausted and stressed out by the whole thing and i wish i had gotten in there sooner like we have now consistently worked on the fact that you matter it's important you have a good time to have needs you have needs and you don't preferences and that child is not your responsibility but that's not your responsibility for that child have a good day if that kid's having a tough time yeah why is it your job to swoop in yeah it is i don't want him not to be kind anymore but it's also not his responsibility and as he used to think it was his responsibility to make sure that child had a good day it's a tough one to teach it is tough but we have started we've been doing it consistently for four years

now i just wish we got in there earlier because she's obviously feeling a responsibility to be the glue and to be you you know, a good friend. And I do think going to the teacher, getting the teacher involved in this, try and not have to go to the parents at all. Parents are tricky. No offense to old parents listening to the show. Well, look, if somebody comes to you with that, you're immediately like, what are you saying about my kid? Yeah. You do tend to go there.

Well, we all become lionesses, don't we? And, you know, what's the man lioness? The lion. It doesn't sound as powerful. The lioness just sounds like a lion. It doesn't sound as good. Let me ask you this, though, because I think that's a great answer to this question. I hope it helps.

And you obviously sent a voice note to this person. I hope it helps. And you obviously sent a voice note to this person. I did, yeah. And they got in touch to say. Well, they are just trying it, but she was really appreciative and didn't realize she could go to a teacher. And I think a lot of people don't know that because it's funny because it's normally the people who really need to go and get the teacher self that don't. Because rest assured, there are parents going to that teacher a lot and uh and for smaller things so if you feel like you need the teacher's help go get the teacher's help and i really feel like the teacher should be more on top of these things like i'm a teacher a lot of my friends are teachers i would expect them to notice and be

on top of this stuff it's not too much to ask and it's a way better way of doing it indirectly teaching there's no they're not going oh we're only having this lesson because one of these girls in the class is feeling this they're doing a group lesson where they're like this is how you behave this is what a good friend is this is not this is what it's like to not be a good friend what should you do if do a bit of role play, you know? It's the same with sports, right? That like, I always say this because I reckon that the way I was taught sports was if you become an elite athlete.

When in reality, none of the people I went to school with became elite athletes. One or two played for the county at some point. But really what needed to be taught was how to have fun yeah playing this game yeah the lesson that that teacher is giving those kids and this is what friendship looks like this is the baseline understanding components and tenants of it i mean if you leave school with nothing else how to to be a good friend to someone. Yeah, well, I take that stuff really seriously because I remember my first year out teaching, I was in the cutest class ever, a little group of two and a half year olds to four year olds. But I was shocked at how young girls can start being mean to each other,

like how young that kind of stuff can creep in. So I have always made sure that the September and October when I'm in the classroom is about friendship and the responsibility of being a friend and what a good friend is and what we do for each other and kindness. Because I think if you're not on that, it can be it can get out of control so fast. They're not going to lick it off the floor. No, unfortunately. What I loved was a story you told from years, years back where you were doing a circle about a thing that had happened. Oh, no.

Oh, no. One of the kids was like, this circle's about me. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's where I got it wrong. Because, you know, sometimes if something has happened and, you know, you want to teach the class about what, you know, what it is, is if a child has done something, you would never single them out. So I wanted to do a very general lesson and hope that all the children heard it, but especially the child who had done it and that they wouldn't do it again. And it was so funny. That kid was so clever, though.

That is like 20 years ago. That kid was like, it's me. She's talking about me. Is this me, miss? I did that. She's definitely talking about me. I was like, oh, my God, you're me. I just couldn't stop laughing.

And obviously, I never told him, yeah, it's about you. I just kept going, oh, no, you know, like in general terms, Jesus Christ, this kid hold on to me. Is it mad to think that he's probably... That child was two and a half at the time. So he's 23 or 24 now. Yeah. Grown up.

That he's a working man around Dublin City. Oh, my God. Does that blow your mind? Probably still doing a lot of stuff he shouldn't be doing. Yeah, getting called up. HR. It's just about me. My favourite part of the show we're there

full disclosure what would you like me to stop doing Tina tell me what it is I don't know is it talking slow because I talk so

slow well I think you could work on that because Jarlett used to walk really slowly until he started a running podcast with Sonia Sullivan he used to walk so slowly that my mother used to say my own mother used to say i

wish i could kick him in the arse and make him go faster uh i had a really bad hip injury no no not all the time darlet and i think if you can manage to run fast you can manage to talk a bit faster too there you go i had no idea it was annoying you until we attempted to record this podcast three times. And then one of the times, full disclosure, I saw her with her hand doing the circular, get the

fuck on with it. I stopped the podcast and said did we just want to not do this today? You're joking so slow. Okay, I have it. I have it. Stop being so sensitive. What do you mean you have it?

You're the one telling me not to do it. I know, but that was just a general one. This is the real one. Stop being so sensitive. Okay, you want me to be more brutish as a man. Got it. Okay, right. No problemo.

No problemo. Consider it done. Okay, come on No problemo. Consider it done. Okay, come on, hit me with it, brave boy. No, I don't think there's... Each of us each week does one of these where you go, I don't think there's actually any problem. Well, last night you called me a control freak. Oops. I thought you'd forgotten about that. Mikey went to bed not feeling very well. Oops. I thought you'd forgotten about that. Mikey went to bed not feeling very well.

Yeah. Tina left the door of his room open, the door of our room open. Yeah, because I wanted to be able to... At 5.30 I got up in the morning to check on him. Yeah. He's fine. I closed his door, went back to our room, closed our door. Yeah, but...

I was notified that I was a control freak. Well, okay, it was half five in the morning. Mm-hmm. And, okay. Yeah. But also we had agreed before bedtime that i was feeling anxious about not being able to hear him he wasn't feeling well the night that's not the night that's still technically morning this is another day charlotte thinks it's acceptable to wake up at five or half five in the morning that's not acceptable and if you feel the need

to do that don't wake up the other person in the room i can't help when i wake up but you can help when you wake me up no i can't you can't literally listeners if i turn sideways tina will wake and sit bolt upright in the bed and go what is happening i'm like i am getting a drink from my bedside table. Why are you being so loud? It was the sound of the glass meeting my lips. So unfair. It's still the night time. Actually, genuinely.

She also uses when talking in her sleep. She can't hear in her sleep. I genuinely think I have a sensory problem with my ears because I realise that I don't really like it when you guys are loud and I think there's still things. Yeah, there is a thing there. I think maybe I need to...

Surely when you're in a semi-coma, we're off the hook now. Okay, I'll try and be less loud in the middle of the night. That was the least satisfactory full disclosure of all time. Keep your emails coming we'll be back next week with episode 8 and lads thank you

for listening to the show thank you so much thank you for spreading the word for rating, commenting and subscribing on Apple Podcasts wherever you're getting your podcasts

it means a lot and it means that the podcast is climbing the ladder Monty yeah no thank you so much. Thank you. Appreciate it. Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid is an Irishman Abroad podcast

presented in association with Golab. Editing, research, and production by Jarlik and Tina Regan. To support the continued creation of this podcast and to hear even more Irishman Abroad podcasts, including extra bonus episodes of Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, Thank you.