Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Ep 8 Bullying vs Slagging, Begging For Treats, Unicorns vs Dinosaurs!

Episode Date: October 23, 2022

When does banter become bullying? How do you equip your child with a sense of humour, a thick skin and the courage to stand up and stand out? In this episode Tina talks about the fine lines that parents have to tread when dealing with their children and their first introductions to victim humour, piss-taking and below the belt remarks made in the name of "fun". A step Mom gets in touch about a child that will not stop begging for treats. Is there any way to get them to stop or eat healthier treats? This week's answer comes from an unusual source. Finally Jarlath outs Tina's worst eating habits from her childhood and we hear about a difficult situation of one child making another feel bad for liking supposedly "girly" toys and activities. How do you step in? Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid relies on your questions and your support. Simply email [e-mail] to put a question to Tina or visit www.patreon.com/irishmanabroad to access bonus episodes and to support the show directly.

it's honey you're ruining our kid the parenting podcast from the irish man abroad podcast network and go loud can't believe it it's episode eight and i honestly tina i didn't think we were going to get to record this week so it was the state we were both in. Oh my God. Yesterday and today, talk about black and white, I thought I was dying. Well, it was like the worst hangover of all time. Oh no, yeah, it was just the worst I've ever felt in my life. I've never felt that sick. Do you want to tell people why? Well, we went and got our COVID vaccine.

Boosters. Yeah, my five. You think a boost. Yeah. You're going to feel better after. I guess we were really cocksure of ourselves because this was my fifth one. It was Dara's fourth one. And we've never had to change our lifestyle after having a booster because it's never really felt any different.

I nearly died. I absolutely nearly died. I was properly fainting, nauseous, a headache that no amount of ice packs or pink that I could reach. She just trapped an ice pack to her head. An ice pack that's meant for your leg. Yeah. She had it velcroed around her heart. Oh my

God. And she said, the ice pack is doing nothing. Yeah. I couldn't even see, I couldn't even watch Star League because I was seeing double of everything. But Jarla's hurt his back, but not from the running, of course. Jesus, it couldn't be watch Starlink because I was seeing double of everything. But Jarla's hurt his back. Not from the running, of course. Jesus, it couldn't be the running that's done it. Who knew that sciatica is a side effect of the booster?

Some people apparently because of the swelling it produces get sciatica. Tina maintains because you went for a run. Two runs. Because everything that's evil in this world, Tina traces back to me doing too much running. That's not true. I just thought, you know, maybe you shouldn't go for a massive training session after your vaccine. Yeah. You went to that.

You had pain in your back. And then yesterday with the pain in your back, you went out for a run. And I was like, that's pretty stupid. Yeah. So. Well, you married me, so. You can say that. We were laughing about this yesterday

that we're married 13 years now, but when we first got married, I couldn't say anything to Charlotte, but he'd say, well, you married me. And I'd be like, that's not okay to say that. Look, it's been a mad 24 hours because. Yeah, I'm so grateful today not to feel like I'm dying anymore.

I didn't see it coming. It also didn't help that we had the full on, like we've seen both the NHS now and the HSE version. I didn't even know you were going to bring this up, but like on fucking

believably head melting melting the experience again oh my god i don't know if it was just because we're in mead because i'm from mead i'm allowed to say this but mead people aren't the easiest to deal with most of the time it was head melting in England. In you go. There you go. Out you go. Right? Mm-hmm. In Ireland, so far, HSE ring us, tell us they've booked us in these appointments. Really grateful for that. Amazing. They rang us. Amazing. Just to be clear.

Really nice. I popped up on their radar as someone who needs extra protection. Very grateful. Very grateful. So we make our way over to Navin. Oh, my goodness. It took an hour and a half, make our way over to Navin. Oh my goodness. It took an hour and a half did it Jar?

There was no one else there. Straight in the door and it was straight into why are you here? You don't look Why do you You don't look sick. Why would you need this?

And when you are a parent who as everyone listening to this knows you have like I've got to get this done in 30 minutes he's got basketball tonight

I've got to get back I've got to make a dinner he hasn't eaten yet suddenly it's like I was brought into an interrogation yeah and then I was brought in too I was like we didn't even make this appointment

it was weird and you're right I was getting stressed out because per my kid oldest homework to get through I honestly thought it was going to take five minutes. And basically they were saying things like, you know, oh, yeah, this is what happened in the end. An hour in after answering a hundred questions. And I was like, I didn't even make this appointment.

Like they were like, I said to the man, is it dangerous? Is that why you don't want me to have this? And he said, he was like, classic most direct line you've ever heard. I just need to make sure you're entitled to it. I don't want you to be getting anything that you're not entitled to. And I nearly set the whole place on fire. That would have been bad.

That would have gone down badly. I was so angry at that point. The point is we got a free vaccine. Yeah, we're very lucky. We're very lucky. But we nearly died. I was so angry at that point. The point is we got a free vaccine. Yeah, we're very lucky. We're very lucky. But we nearly died. Because we think as well that if you,

if this was just a tiny smidgen of what this bloody variant that's doing the best is like, you don't want to catch the vaccine. But it was weird because while we're in different separate boots getting a hundred questions at us, they're interrogating our son. Yeah. Who we aren't allowed to go out to anymore. Asking him all sorts of questions. It was really not okay.

When he moved. Yeah. Like really, really and truly. If you've ever had the experience, please email him. Yeah. It was a lot of fun. Crossing the line into what you're allowed to ask. And being told you don't look sick when you're not well is probably the most annoying thing anyone can say.

Like, oh, so I should have I should have made myself look sick today. Well, here's the thing, right? This does tie into what we want to talk about in the first part of the show, because this is obviously a cultural change for us. We are a reverse crocodile dundee-ing our way back into Ireland. There is certain things that we had to prepare our son for, for when he came back to Ireland. The idea of slagging. Yes.

You know, kids, I was telling Mikey early doors, before he got back to this country, kids are going to slag you. They love ripping the piss out of each other. Yeah. Well, to the point, Gerda, where we would take the piss out of Mikey

and have to say things to him like, no, Mikey, we're just trying to get used to this because when you're back in Ireland, which now I think is completely unacceptable that we even did that.

But we did. We spent a lot of time kind of getting him ready for piss getting taken out of you on everything. People being super sarcastic. I know this is maybe just generalized, regionalized to where we're living right now. I don't think it is.

And now I feel awful for the child because he is getting the piss ripped out of him a lot because of his accent. Yeah. And he's taking it well. Well, why would you have to prepare your child? It's only now with hindsight that we're looking back and wondering, where is the line? Well, you're worried he'll be no crack. Where is the line between slagging and bullying? The first question that kind of arose naturally in our own lives.

Yeah. That it's like we had to prepare him for kind of low level bullying in a certain kind of way. That Irish people will call it crack. And that's like, you're no crack. And why can't I say that? And I quizzed Mikey at breakfast the other day about, well, what do you think bullying is and what is slagging? I thought his answer was excellent, actually, because he said bullying is consistently mean behavior. You know, the same person consistently every day and mean behavior is just the odd thing or,

you know, slagging the odd thing. But yeah, I do feel bad for him. Like, I do think he's enjoying his life here. I think he's getting used to the different sense of humor, but it is a very different sense of humor. And you worry, like, I don't like that we did have to prep him for it. But, you know, sometimes when you're living away from home, whether you're Irish or not, you are trying to adjust to what people regard as funny. Like in Germany, when I was there, it was a much more droll sense of humor. A dry sense of kind of out of the side angle of the mouth kind of jokes. And that what we thought we were doing was preparing him for what's regarded as funny. And the modelling of slagging took place at home.

But you know what it is, Charlotte? I had obviously buried it, but I grew up in Navan and I forgot how sarcastic people are in Mead. I forgot. And I keep saying this to friends and I said it to a friend the other night and she was like, that's completely the reason I can't move home there. I couldn't. I couldn't go through it again. Because I'm from here and I'm remembering now what it's like. They are offended if you take offense because they're completely just being like messing.

Yeah. But it's very, it takes a long time to tune into that because you're completely just being like messing messing yeah and but it's very it takes a long time to tune into that because you're just like oh jesus christ but then i met this lovely friend from school mikey had a football match the other day they got trashed by this other team but um murren who may be listening to the show today i don't know she said she is and that was lovely i nearly started crying when i saw her it was so lovely to see such a friendly face and i was saying it to her as well that I forgot how sarcastic people in Meath are. And she was laughing and saying, yeah, you do forget, I suppose. But yes, high

level sarcasm here. And that's why we were preparing Mikey for the piss being taken out of him all the time. What does it all mean? I mean, I think that some of this behaviour of parents at home seeping into what kids do at school is it reminds you, if there's any answer to this question, it does remind you as a parent that when you're taking the piss or slagging what you see on TV. Yeah. or slagging what you see on TV, you just become more aware that that is then going to become their language of humour. You are the ultimate model. You're the role model of behaviour.

Yeah. This is why in the past you've said you don't like pop idol, Strictly Come Dancing or any show that involves judgment, because essentially, are you or are you not, by watching those shows, teaching your kid to be critical of creativity? Yeah. And, you know, a few weeks back when we talked about parents joining in or on the bullying with the kids or parents instigating the bullying, we got so much feedback from that episode.

So many people got in touch to say yeah they've either seen it or they've realized they've been part of it and um i don't know what to say about how do we arm our children to not only stand up to bullies but to not be a bystander when they see another child being bullied without them ending up being bullied themselves. It's so hard. Very tricky. Like, I feel like I'm always talking about the sheep and the wolf. And I've always tried with Mikey to make sure

he's not just a sheep who follow whatever NASA is doing, that he's brave enough to be the wolf. But that in itself is a very tough thing for a child to carry on their back because I can see it all over him now. He's a new kid in sixth class. Being the wolf is tough when you're trying to make friends. Look, this is such a sensitive area because there'll be parents listening to this going, well, my kid is being bullied. Yeah, well, that's why we're speaking about this in general terms, because we got so many emails asking, how do I help my child? They're being bullied. I've gone to the school. It's not changing. I don't want to change schools because that in itself is, that's a stress the kid doesn't need. Yeah. So we thought we'd start the show by talking about it in general terms the only advice

i have for you if your child is being bullied or you feel like bullying is starting is that keeping making sure your child feels like they can tell you everything without you showing how emotionally involved you are which is so tough so Yeah. You mean not going. I'm fucking believe. I'm not fucking kidding. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Because that makes it even seem way worse to what this kid's already feeling.

Yeah. We know. We know. You have done that. I've done that too. I've said, that's it. I'm going down to that school. Oh, damn it.

Coats on. Kick that kid up the hole. Yeah. That's the first thing the second thing is you definitely definitely let that kid know that this is you know this is part of life there are people out there who are very unhappy and we don't want to feel sorry for the kid that's bullying them but there's probably something awful happening in that kid's life there's a reason a bully is bullying not an excuse it's not an excuse but it's why when you do go to the school which you should and i hate when poor parents have to

go to the school and the school don't even seem to be aware of the bullying that is just awful because open your eyes teachers one job but um they need that school, you would hope, will take very seriously what's happening to your child, but also start thinking, well, why is that other child bullying? There's something not right there. We've got to help this kid. Because they're unhappy.

Only an unhappy, troubled child will bully another child. And then you've got to tell your kid, you know, unfortunately, this is part of life. Mean things get said to you. All the time. But you also have to arm your child with knowing how to cope and react and not to take it in.

But, you know, it's that wolf and the sheep thing again and not to care so much about what other people think. But if they're being bullied, that's serious. And you do have to get the school involved. Don't get the parents involved without going to the school first.

Because it's just too tricky. The school are so well armed in how to deal with this. They should be anyway. But also just letting your child know you're not the only child this has happened to. It's happening to a lot of other children. You are not on your own. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You're a great kid and mommy and I love you so much. But you are not on your own that it's i'm so sorry this is happening to you you're a great kid and mommy i love you so much but you're not on your own this happens and

we're going to arm you better and we're going to help you we're going to get through this it's not okay but and to explain that whole thing of this other child's probably really unhappy which is true what if your kid comes to you tina and says says, this was said to me, and you know in your heart, that's just a bit of slagging. What do you say there? Like what? If you're reading, your kid is being hypersensitive. Like this is where the question of when is slagging is such a tricky one with no definitive answer. Well, slagging is, bullying is repeated. It's like if that

child does that to them every single day. But slagging, like, yeah, you're right. It can be bullying if it's repeated. Yeah, of course, of course. Yeah, you kind of just have to be honest with your child and just be like, you know, that person thinks that's their idea

of humor. You don't find it funny, that's okay, but they think they're being funny. It's unfortunate. Because that is an their idea of humor. You don't find it funny, that's okay. But they think they're being funny. It's unfortunate. Because that is an unfortunate sense of humor. Yeah, what you did with Mikey in relation to the slagging of him for his English accent was you literally role played it with him. Yeah. When the person says this, here's what you say. Yeah.

And that is, in a strange kind of way, equipping your kid with some form of toolbox. Well, I'm always saying this, always saying that you need to spoon feed them every single thing you want them to do. They are relying on you to give them the instructions. They need it. Just like you'd follow the instructions for a recipe, you need to give them every single instruction for how to behave in this scenario. And I said to Mikey that you say, well done. That's how I sound. Very good.

All right. Well done. Okay. And it's worked. They backed off. It did work. Yeah, he'd kill us for talking about this. Well done.

I'm going to have to use that on hecklers now in the future. It's like, what did you say? Well done there now. Have a great night. I told him to say, you're getting very good at the accent. Very good. Thank you.

Really good. Big improvement since yesterday. And then just own it back. But yeah, I guess never reacting with sadness, just trying to maintain a demeanor of indifference. Our first question is a little less serious, let's be totally honest. We at A Mom Get In Touch, because you can send in voice notes to us, you still remain 100% anonymous. That's always the agreement. You submit a question here, we never reveal who asked it. One mom sent in a voice note, and it's not the only time that we've received something similar to this.

She says her son is obsessed with his willy. We will not stop talking about his willy, asking questions about his willy, touching his willy, showing his willy. What does she do? Is her question. Please help, she says.

I know. And it's like it is one of the hardest questions we've, because let's be honest, when does that stop for? Tina, I stopped involuntarily showing you my wedding many times, long, long ago. But, and in fairness, it was the only way to get you to. Oh my God. so we moved through but this is a fascination that all little boys have yeah a little hose well also it can be a comfort thing for boys i mean definitely every early years teacher knows that a lot of the time when you're working with a little boy you will at at some point have to say, can you put your hands on the table?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. All the time. They're constantly touching the bed out there. That's the relief for this month. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Very normal. Very normal.

I sense that what she's worried about is public. You know, at home, I would just say, just ignore it. Tell him to go wash his hands. It is. Public exhibition. Yeah, public. You know, he's obviously very proud of it and it probably is a comfort thing to him you know um so my advice to her sometimes surely sorry to jump in oh it's a shock factor yeah yeah she's like oh my god stop talking about your mom and that is getting big laughs

at some point and also I think you know if daddy's in the picture here or there is a male listen definitely this is their job to deal with

because as mums we tend to panic because we've never had a willy and or maybe we have okay you're being super dilly I'll cut that out and we've never had a willy.

And I think it would be nice for dad or whoever, whatever man person is in this boy's life to maybe sit down and explain the rules of, you know, well, you know, we don't show our willy to everyone. And how unhygienic. How unhygienic is so disgusting. But yeah, if you say that to a boy, you'll just be prouder, I think. And that, you know, we can't be touching it and we only hold it when we're going to toilet. We're washing it. Very similar to this. I do remember us knowing a particular child who wouldn't stop talking about poo, poo, poo. Everything was poo. And I felt at that time that the obsession was that it was getting a big reaction from mom and dad yeah yeah and so it's taboo is it not it's like he knows i think there's a big difference between poo and showing your willy to someone like but he's obsessed with willy like that other kid that we know that's obsessed with boobs well that was my favorite

question we ever got in we never talked about about it in the podcast, but this mom... And that definitely never stops. No. This mother was like, her child is only three or four or something and says things to her like, she said that he says things like, can we go to the beach so I can see some boobs, mommy? And she doesn't know what to do. And I just told her, just, you know, give that

nothing. But it's very funny. I said, in time, you'll laugh. But at the moment, she said, he's just breast obsessed. But like you say, he just needs his daddy, maybe again, or whatever man to sit him down and tell him what's appropriate and what's not appropriate. So the wider question is around manners. Yeah, it is man. And what's appropriate behaviour in society? Definitely. And this child doesn't know that. Of course he doesn't. Children don't know.

They're relying on their grown-ups to tell them. Ger, you're looking at me like... What's polite and what's not? Was it very sad for you when you weren't able to show your willy anymore? I don't think that day has arrived, to be totally honest. I don't think that day has arrived to be totally honest no I definitely think you see young lads

touching their willies the whole time what is with those teenagers who kind of have their hands down their pants and they're walking I mean that the hands down the pants

to keep the hands warm is what they but I can't walk by one of those boys who's out going what are you doing like I'm actually going to get myself into a terrible situation. That's the way I think about the toddlers.

Yeah. And that it does reflect bad on the dad. Yeah. Because whether the kid is pulling his pants out of his butt or fiddling with his willy. Yeah. Like, it is on you and someone with authority to go, enough, enough now. But like you say. Yeah, but it is. He's getting old. Yeah. And you can see why the mummy's so shocked. Because you said yeah but it is he's getting all yeah and you can see

why the mummy's so shocked because as a woman it is shocking because you you like you're not it's not something that you've grown up thinking about you know really that much and you know so you're like that's why it does come down to the daddy to say look we don't show willies at all yes keep them in our pants yeah yeah and says we don't show willies at all. Keep them in our pants. The dad sits him down and says, we don't do this. Yeah. And what if he keeps doing it? If he keeps doing it? Well, he probably will for a while. He's in a good habit of it.

Do you put on like extra tight underpants? No. You just say, pop your willy away now. That's not okay. You know, don't give it a laugh. He's obviously getting loads of laughs for it I loved that question anyway it made me laugh she will laugh about it in time too and they'll laugh about it together but at the moment obviously mommy

can sit down with him too and explain the rules it might just be easier if it's a dad who has a willy do you do a chart we've mentioned charts a bunch of times

I don't think this is a chart no that's a strike you've held it out once no we don't want to make him ashamed of his willy. It's okay.

I really want children to be comfortable in their bodies. We don't want to add any shame to this or pressure. Just, you know, you don't show that to people. Put it away. You know, just be very matter of fact. He's obviously gotten a lot of laughs, a lot of gasps. You know, it's a bit of a hooch for him now. And, you know, the same with your man who

loves the breasts i'm sure that they're like oh my he's got older brothers they said who find it hilarious you know kids love to make people laugh about it though just to finish on this the talking about it let's say he's not whipping it out the whole time. He's just talking about a lot from her voice note, which we obviously can't play. It seems like willy talk is another problem here. And I think that might be harder to nail down because I'm sure there are people listening who know, yeah, I can't get them to stop bringing this particular thing up. Well, I think that from her voice note, it's obvious that, you know,

it's very funny. But what she needs to explain to him is, OK, we can laugh about that kind of stuff in the house, but we can't share those jokes in public because some people will get offended. And somebody might give out to you for saying those things.

Upset someone. You might upset someone. And mommy's trying to keep you safe and I don't want anyone to give out to you. So let's save those jokes for when we're all just together. Because it does sound like she's finding that part funny too. And that's okay. Everyone has differences.

Like we all have our own jokes in our family that, you know, I don't want anyone to think they're doing the wrong thing. Having a joke, letting their child joke about their willy. But like, yeah, there's places where it's okay and where it's not okay. And we just want to keep you safe. We don't want anyone coming down heavy on you saying, what do you do? Talking about your willy but like yeah there's places where it's okay and where it's not okay and we just want to keep you safe we don't want anyone coming down heavy on you saying what do you do and talking about your willy yeah what kind of a house is that yeah yeah talk about willies yeah he's old enough he's four he's definitely old enough to understand the rules this question uh comes in from an anonymous uh stepmom who says and i can really relate to this question because I have an absolute bastard of a sweet tooth is the only way I can describe it. All of my attempts to get fit and be healthy have been scuppered by my love of chocolate and sweets and cake and biscuit.

I've never seen someone like cake. I love all of it. I don't like cake at all. Because I wasn't really allowed a lot of these things. See, that's the problem. As a young lad. But here we go. Incessant pestering for tweets.

Tweets. For tweets. Incessant pestering for treats. A five-year-old extremely picky eater and highly stubborn. Sounds like they're getting on a bomb. She's obsessed with sugar. Again, being a stepmom and not the full-time mom, it's hard to do. And I get that.

That's, you know, to be the baddie, right? Yes. But maybe you have some ideas for how to approach our house, our rules without becoming the evil dragon. I mean, there's so much in this question, right? Because there's so many. Look, being step parents and being a person who is only there for some of the time. Yeah. And also. Exceptionally hard.

This lady is taking it very seriously, obviously. And probably because, you know, she's step mom and she's putting this responsibility on herself. She's probably taking all these rules way more seriously than, you know, the birth mom would. Because she's just trying to get it right, you know. Yikes. Pick eater, obsessed in snacking. Well, that's so hard, isn't it? Because we've talked about this a few times.

If you make it, if you utter these snacks and treats and stuff, like you just said. Unlike me. You become obsessed. You become one of those child hoovers you see at parties where they're on the ground on the tables. I've seen that so much in my dog. Filling my pockets under the table. I'm not saying we got it right at all because I think everyone's always trying.

But it definitely was something in my mind the whole time when we were raising Mikey because I had seen it so much from being a teacher and having parties in the class. I'd seen the damage done to the children who aren't allowed sweets, who aren't allowed biscuits. So we never didn't allow them. They're just in the cupboard and they're there. They're not a thing. And it's worked out pretty good. Yeah, but that forced the whole to tear.

Yeah, oh, I get that. I get that. I'm just saying, if anyone's listening and they're at the start, definitely not uttering these things is great. Now, what this lady could do is, first of all, if they're not in the house, she can't have them. Right. Just don't buy them. Don't buy them. You can't be begging for them.

And you can buy, if she really needs this stuff and you're trying to phase this habit out, buy healthier treats. Like, you know, buy stuff that, you know, she'll still like. It'll appease whatever she needs at that time but put them in the cupboards i don't like rules on food i just think that's dangerous you put rules on food all of a sudden it they develop an anxiety about having more or having more food and you just don't want to any of these patterns to creep in. Jarla's got his hand up. Hand up. Because I have an idea. Okay.

Now, Tina is obviously the brains of the operation, as I always say here. Like, she's the one with the knowledge. Right. Here's my idea. And this comes from one particular health kick I was on, where the advice was, you can have treats, but you've got to make them. You have to cook them yourself. That's a nice idea because that would be

a great bonding thing for that. Bring them together. Yeah. Of course you're going to have treats today. We are going to bake chocolate eclairs. I didn't like

chocolate eclairs as you went in real. I was like We are going to make Bailey's cheesecake. I was like chocolate eclairs they just have a hankering for a

chocolate eclair right now straight away I was like let's go to Avoca let's press pause we're going to Avoca

this podcast is sponsored by Avoca I should say what do you call that's I actually love that idea I love it

I was Jew Tina I was Jew well after all that willie talk that was a good idea in 22 years but i love that idea because that's a great bonding experience with them children love to bake they love it it also will help with the picky eating if she's more involved in the food i would definitely say do the tacos taco dinners i we are like i love all the emails we're getting about those you know tapas oh my god i want tacos that's all it is tapas sorry tapas dinner do the tapas dinners we're getting so many emails in from parents going game changer it is a game changer again

wasn't my idea something another parent told me yes This house needs to do the tapas meals. That way, again, it takes away the pressure on this child. It's less controlled. She can pick and choose what she eats. She will start being more adventurous. So, yeah, there's my advice. Dinner time, lunchtime, breakfast, try and make it more tapas. Pick the eater side of it

give her the empty bowl the empty plate let her choose let her feel you're in control of what she's eating she's in control of what she's choosing

from the table as long as there's something on it you know she'll definitely eat she's safe she's going to be fed then with the

treats I love Jarlett's idea about baking get her involved, easy things, rice crispy buns, stuff like that. Naughty Claire's so hard. And then also have treats in the house, but not crazy treats, no jelly. I don't agree with putting the treats in the house. I think that if you're a stepmom in that situation, surely it should be a case of this is our thing. It's a special thing we do.

There isn't treats in the house at all, so I can't be begging for them. But I know that when I come to my stepmom's house, we have the best time making our own treats. Yeah, making is great and all, but I don't think it's realistic to not have anything in the house. I think also she could phase out the treats. But if this child's used to coming and there being stuff in the house to eat, I mean... But you're the one that taught me that...

And Tina taught me this trick so many times, so early on in our son's life, that you can distract so easily and so quickly. Distraction is brilliant, but I'm worried for this stepmom because I know that she just wants the child to like like her she doesn't want to be the dragon i think there doesn't have to be

loads of treats but one or two different things that if you know in case they need something and just no rules on those treats don't even mention them they're just there like don't mention the treats you know when the child brings it up, yeah, put in that distraction thing. It's an incredible tool. You distract a child so easily and they forget what they were cribbing about. Am I allowed to say that? Yeah. Shouting about, crying about.

Yeah. Straight away. But I love the baking idea. I would not have told her that. I feel so proud. It actually ends, it's the proud. It took us eight episodes. I actually provided an answer that wasn't me saying, tell the child to cop out. Next question comes from another stepmom.

This is great that we're getting to deal with these stepmoms. We actually are getting loads of aunts and uncles and stepmoms and stepdads. Yeah, so keep them coming in. Yeah. Honey, you are ruining our kid at gmail.com. This question is probably the most zeitgeisty question we've received. Okay. It relates to the genderization of toys.

Oh, stressful. Yeah, stressful because it's a real problem. They reckon that toys have been more genderized in the last 20 years than ever before. Even back in the days where it was bow and arrow for the boy, dolly for the girl. But that wouldn't be parent-led. I'm sure that's more getting people to buy.

Yeah, I mean, the fact that there's Lego friends. Why wasn't Lego just good enough for everybody? We had to make a girl's Lego. It is a big issue now with toys. So this stepmom gets in touch and says that her five-year-old is completely single-minded when it comes to what she sees as girl stuff inverted commas and boy stuff she disregards any toy that could possibly be considered a boy's toy just flaps it away this is all grand but recently she started taking the piss or slagging, as they would call it, her little cousin who likes to get his nails painted.

Is this just a phase? Should I just not worry about all of this? Or how do you talk to her about all toys being for all kids and boys can get their nails painted if they like. I don't know where to go with this, but you get the gist of what I'm trying to ask. Any help would be much appreciated, Tina. I love that she directed to Tina. Again, jar doesn't have a foot in it. Oh, wow. OK, so this is something I can quite confidently say is industry based, this genderization of toys, because I've worked in it for a long, long time.

The classrooms are all the environments are always prepared for the children. And you never, ever, ever see a child naturally come in and be more in love with one toy than the other. They'll just experience the classroom as a whole. Yes. They don't go, I'm a girl, give me a unicorn. No. And the boys and girls tend to play with the exact same things, play together, the exact same games.

It's incredible. And so unfortunately, it's an adult-led thing as far as I'm concerned, but unconsciously. I don't think there's many adults anymore still consciously saying, you're a girl, you play with Barbies. Do you really think that? I do. Really? I think we even know people in our lives who wouldn't like to see their voice playing with pink.

Wow. I'm kind of shocked because maybe it's just because I'm around loads of teachers and early years people that I would think that's a day of the past. I don't think so, Tina. And I think that it's a problem that probably anonymously, even anonymously, people won't bring up. Wow. But there's still a fear among certain parents that their child could grow up gay and have a very difficult life ahead for themselves. I'm obviously not having a whole lot of data in front of me to back that up. But I do know, just as there's the same way that there is very archaic racist thought out there, there is very archaic sexist and but i don't think it's evenly

balanced i do think there's more a movement of parents letting their kids just sure yeah like things have changed yeah and i i completely have witnessed it myself in the classroom that children come in if anything ipads and all these games have made it even better in terms of them playing when they come into a classroom with anything they can get their hands on. And because they're not used to playing and early years teachers now have to spend their time teaching children how to play because they've been all they've been exposed to is screens. Isn't that nuts? It is really sad, actually. Underdeveloped hands is a problem. They're coming in with pudgy, pudgy fingers because they haven't been drawing or building or anything. They've just been, oh, screams. But anyway, the thing is, I've seen it. I've seen it firsthand. Boys and girls don't distinguish between things naturally. I just don't believe they do at that age. They play with whatever they play with and they play together and it's all games and fun. Girls play with cars,

boys play with the dollies, the train set, everything. It's just all mixed in. So what about this kid? Well, it has to be coming from a grown-up. A grown-up has to plant these in. Now, there is a thing that some girls are just really, really girly girls

and some boys are really, really boys boys and they just want to be digging and covered in mud all day. And some girls want to be a princess all day. Some are in between and some boys want to be princesses or kings or princes and some girls want to be covered in mud all day. But I definitely think that this is something that she's just kind of heard or been told or encouraged to feel. And with this mom, that she's just kind of heard or been told or encouraged to feel. And with this mom, this step mom, I would just say that when she says things like that, that all you have to do is come in and say, oh, well, actually, you know, boys and girls are allowed to play with anything they want. And boys are allowed to get their nails painted too. He's just, it's just, he's just experiencing that process. He's just having that process he's just having fun

it's all just fun yeah i know you hate when i do this but like if we go like your your answer is what makes a lot of sense because you hear what you're saying but when you're faced with um multiple kids in the room for example yeah three Yeah. There are three kids that have gone, one's trying to pull down the shelves. Right. One kid's trying to escape the house. One kid keeps putting his mouth up to the dog's mouth. This is a very stressed out household.

Right. But I'm just saying that you want to be able to go, oh, yeah, sure. You know, loads of people get their nails painted and you're trying to spin all these plates around the room. Just to play devil's advocate for a minute, I think it can be exceptionally hard to get that point across in the midst of all of this. And also just to defeat what you say has been planted. You can't uproot that seed. Oh, you can. Of course you can. you can't uproot that seed oh you can

of course you can well hold on if she's going that's a girl's thing that's a girl getting your nails done that's girls that's girls

you can I know you can because I've had to do it I've had kids come into my class who think those things because they've been told it at home and I've had to re-educate them and you just expose them

to different stories or different lessons and you show them how every gender can do everything and you know that we're boys and girls are equal and we all like different things you can completely re-educate them to it you and you have to it's a responsibility it's hard but it just means constant reminders every time she does it you just say that is how i know you love girly girly things and I know you think that only girls can get their nails painted but that's actually not true and boys can get their nails painted too

if they want and that's okay and she and you can say things like and if you want to go and roll around the mud and build with diggers you can do that girls are allowed to do that thing too you're just reprogramming reprogramming her to know you can do whatever you want there are no limits to being a girl there are no limits to being a boy very good yeah well i think that that's super answered the question as always i hope this has helped this mom i'm not finished up because i want to say something something i have seen that is a little bit worrying is moms who won't let their girls be girly okay the other yes i've seen that a lot moms who don't want their girls to like anything princessy because they want their

girls to be into boy stuff so completely the other one yeah the complete other end and i feel like we need to just get comfortable with just accepting the kid we have. If your little girl wants to be a princess, just let her be a princess. Why would you fight that? If your little boy wants to be into diggers, grand. If your little girl is dinosaur mad, grand. If your little boy is into Barbies, that's fine. Just let your children be children. They're just playing.

They're just having fun. They're just getting to know who they are. But it's when you're like, oh, God, no. Sure, I don't like anything like that. Why would she? Like, no, she's an individual. She's a tiny little individual person. Just let her be herself.

This is different, though, because this is actually having to reprogram the child to know. No, no, no, no, no, no. There is no rules for boys and girls. Exceptionally hard for the step parents situation because. So she can do it gently, gently. Yeah, yeah. But I hope that's a help to you. I have a question with Halloween on the horizon.

I've got a question here coming in from a couple of dads that I've been talking to. They're not emails in, but they are questions around Halloween, the nature of costumes and what you will and will not let your kid dress up as. It's a very spooky time of year, Tina. Spooky. Tina loves when I do voices. I really don't. I do not like my voices, Tina. It's a spooky time of year.

It's not just you. It's anyone doing voices. What's not to like about voices? Just use your own voice. Same way, listeners, Steena also doesn't like singing. I do like singing, just not in churches. Well, look, it is a spooky time of year, and it's also a time of year when it feels like anything goes in terms of the costumes that kids want to dress up in.

Now, in our day, it was witch, hobo, which again was so insensitive anyway, which was a black bag over the head, hat, mask with an elastic band around the back. Or in your case, Sienna, Hulk Hogan. I was Hulk Hogan. Which is a black bag. A black bag and a Hulk Hogan mask. I thought I was the business. Oh my goodness. Remember how sweaty your face used to be under those masks?

Oh my Lord. And the smell. Elastic. What were we inhaling? My question and the question that I've had from a couple of dads that I won't say how I hang out with. But I do. That was really cruel. Oh, don't cry.

Didn't like that one. Don't cry. So my question that I've gotten from a few different dads is the predicament that they find themselves in where the kid wants to dress as something that's just not possible or not going to reflect badly on them as were they to facilitate it. And this kind of impending deadline. You mean Halloween. Your child wants to dress as it. Yeah, or Chucky or something or other that they've seen. And it's getting to the point where the kid is going, it'll be halloween ever if i don't get to do what i want to do um i just think that if you don't

think your child is old enough to watch or watch those films or read those books don't put them in those costumes because they will scare themselves they'll get a huge reaction from other people and like your kid's not ready if your kid is 10 years old and wants to dress as it, you tell them you're the parent. You say no. Why are people so afraid to say no to the kids? That's not happening. You're not old enough. That's too scary.

You're not doing that. Like that time you were saying, Mikey just wants to wear these clothes. I looked at you and said he's not going to the shops and buying his own clothes he dressed like a gentleman for like years top hat, cane

it was so weird it was so cute though but like it is very simple answer and not just saying no no it is just saying no because you're it is

you're going to be the consequence of them sulking and being like I don't want to do Halloween now. Then I'd be like, grand, you're not doing Halloween then. Fine. If you want to have a sulk about it. If you allow your child to dress as something like that, you have to be ready for them then wanting to see the film and having an unhealthy interest. You're actually protecting your kid, which is your job to say, no, you're not ready for that yet.

You're just not. So the follow up question. Here are the options. Right. So you present them with other options. Yeah. And you make those more attractive than this rubbish idea that they have to go as Pinhead or as Freddy Krueger. Halloween can be very tough for a lot of families in that it can be, you know, can cause an awful lot of fear. Like you were shown certain films as a youngster that you

shouldn't have seen. But again, it was reflective of the era where, you know, you kind of went into a video shop and they would rent you anything you wanted. Yeah. So you picked the scariest thing you could find on the shelf because you wanted to live on the edge. Yeah, and I don't even think we were picking scary things. I just think we were getting the latest movie out that week. Yeah, yeah. But parents who are concerned, or the parents that I've talked to, said that they worry that Halloween last year produced a lot of nightmares.

How do you do that? How do you navigate that time? Again, the same thing with you're not old enough for that costume. You're not old enough for that movie. But you're not old enough for going around the place and seeing mad stuff on the trick or treat. Well, you have to make sure that they understand what Halloween is. I think it's really important to explain what the tradition of Halloween is, the tradition of the pumpkins, the tradition of putting on masks, and then just explain that with time, you know, it's all gone a bit bonkers and now we can dress up as whatever we want. Some people go funny,

some people go serious, some people go really scary, but it's all just dress up. Really explain that to your child, properly do. And then just try and say, you know, and we're just going to try and have fun, but you're in charge of the fun for your child you're in charge of what houses they go to what they do in their own house and what movie they see

so be mindful of that what can your child cope with I've got a little surprise for you what? I booked the Tateau Park Halloween event did you? yes

when? all three of us are going to go to the Halloween now it sounds like we're sponsored by Tateau Park we really aren't and we live really close to it and I actually sent Tate the Halloween. Now it sounds like we're sponsored by Tater Park. We really aren't. And we live really close to it. And I actually sent Tater Park an email saying, we're your neighbors.

Give us a discount for Tater Park. And they were like, we don't do that. And I was like, well, that's bullshit. And then they said, stop emailing. Guess what, Tater? You're going to Tater Park. It's Halloween. So we can't use my name for any time we get in touch with Tater Park now.

So I basically had a spat with them about giving us. So we're not. That's so exciting. I'm really excited, but I will be terrified. I think it's going to be a bit of fun. No, no. Gerard, tell people what you do to me. This is how on edge I am the whole time.

Gerard loves to sneak into rooms and stand behind me. I'm a soft stepper. I will turn around and have an actual heart attack fall to the ground. Gerard will leave laughing. I don't do it that often as I could. Like, I see a lot more opportunities to do it. So you do do it on purpose. I knew it.

We may as well go into full disclosure here. I knew you did that on purpose. So full disclosure this week is you want me to stop sneaking around the house scaring you. Yeah, I think that would be nice. It's horrible. You once nearly killed Grodd Farley. Yeah, he actually lay on the ground clutching his heart. Yeah, Jarla lived with Grodd in Edinburgh during the festival.

And Jarla does this thing where he's in the room. I got him like three times. It's like he moves like one of those people, you know, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Remember those dream people who went around and was like, the fuck, how did you get here? It's like he moves like one of those people, you know, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Remember those dream people who went around and was like, what the fuck, how did you get here? It's horrible. Yeah, I appeared at the door when he was brushing his teeth the other week. And it was the best one because he didn't know what to do.

Probably how he swallowed his teeth. He got such a fright. He went in and closed the door and locked it and unlocked it three times. It's actually not funny it's really not nice oh well it's a spooky time so like last week

what was it you asked me not to do last week oh there was a bunch of things some bullshit about I can't remember what it was there was a bunch of stuff yeah

a bunch of stuff well I just said to you now stop creeping around that'd be great my one for you yeah hmm there's nothing

hmm oh well trying to pick through oh yeah trying to pick one off oh well it's the end of the show thank you everyone

who's gotten in touch this week we really love the emails thank you and thank you for everyone who's listening and subscribing and sharing because we are in all the charts now. I'm very excited about that. We should point out that we were not in the charts when we realized we were listed as something we are not.

This is a family and parenting section. We were listed as something we were not. Yeah. So this show is finally appearing, charting in the top 10. Yeah, worldwide. Worldwide. Worldwide.

Prestige. Worldwide. Worldwide. Keep subscribing, keep rating, keep commenting and keep passing it on to as many people as you can. I don't think anybody would take an insult to being passed, honey, you're ruining our kid. Because, you know, our goal here is to have fun in this situation. Because, as we've said before, nobody's really qualified to do this.

No. And even with Tina's expertise, she isn't wagging her finger telling anyone, this is how it's done and what you are to do is this. Never, because... she isn't wagging her finger telling anyone this is how it's done and what you are to do is this never because when you get in touch with the show she emails you a set of strategies that might work for you and if those don't work she'll get back in touch again with others because there's a hundred ways to skin this cat which is a beautiful expression in reference to children but um tina i know that you're still loving doing it. Oh, I love it. And I feel like I'm making friends because, you know,

they were building this. The relationship builds up because moms and dads are keeping in touch. They're getting back to me and I'm able to get back to them. So it's really nice. It's really good.

Lovely. Well, look, we'll be back after the Halloween break, I guess. We get a week off. It works on the basis of we'll appear when your kids

are in school because we know that when they're off all hell's gonna break loose and you won't have time to listen so we'll be back after the midterm break

and and you really don't have any foibles with me hmm not this week hmm I can think of one if you want me to pause

for a second and think of one. Is it my complaining? You know what I'd like? Okay. We talk a lot about picky eaters on this show. Uh oh. We really do. Tap as this, tap as that. You're a very picky eater,

Tina. I know. There's a load of places we're not allowed to go. That's not true. You won't eat it. What place will I not go? There's loads of foods that we're not allowed to have that we're not allowed to cook. I know. There's a load of places we're not allowed to go. That's not true. What place would I not go? There's loads of foods that we're not allowed to have, that we're not allowed to cook. Onions. Do you want to get a little bit more adventurous with what you eat? I will admit, I was a very picky

eater as a kid. I only ate chips and tomato sauce sandwiches, okay? I know that is terrible. Well, no, that was when we were out. At home, I just had to sit there till I finished my challenges.

But, do you know what? I'm really good now. I try everything. No, you don't. I just don't eat onions. Onions are disgusting. Anyway,

that's it for this week from Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid. Please get in touch again. Big thanks to D-Ready at Go Loud. To Tina and Mikey, of course, for making it all

possible. And to all of you, our anonymous emailers and listeners, thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid is an Irishman Abroad podcast presented in association with Go Loud. Editing, research and production by Jarlik and Tina Regan. To support the continued creation of this podcast and to hear even more Irishman Abroad podcasts, including extra bonus episodes of Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, why not consider supporting us on patreon.com forward slash Irishman abroad today. Don't forget to email Tina your questions on honeyyouareruiningourkid at gmail.com because hey, let's face it, it's hard to raise kids not to be gobshikes.