Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Ep 9 Bedwetting, My Kid Won't Stay In Bed & Calling Out Public Abuse

Episode Date: November 7, 2022

After a well earned midterm break there's a lot to discuss on today's show. What do you do when you witness abuse in public? What did Tina and Jarlath do when they witnessed a Dad being abusive to his son while they were away this midterm? Is your child still wetting the bed? Do they still hold on to their poos? What do you do when your child is a "cot escape artist"? How do you teach your kid to stay in their bed? Tina has some methods to help anyone experiencing these problems. Methods she has seen work time and time again. Two years in a pandemic has made us all a little bit more anxious. Is your child showing signs of anxiety? Have you noticed they’ve started to develop tics? What do you do? Jar asks Tina to talk us through what you should and shouldn’t do to help your child cope with these new behaviours. Also, in a new segment entitled, "I left you alone for 1 minute!" we find out what damage can Jarlath do when left unattended. As always the email to contact the show with your stories, questions and "I left him for one minute" tales, is [e-mail]. Head to www.patreon.com/irishmamabroad to support the show and get access to more episodes.

Welcome back to Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, the no-judgment parenting podcast from the Irishman Abroad podcast network, and of course, our friends at Go Loud. I'm here with my wife, Tina. Tina's here. She is the childhood parenting and child development expert with more than 20 years of experience who answers your questions anonymously submitted by our listeners. And I'm really happy to see the podcast

in the top 10, Tina. It makes me so proud. I know. Well, we're so lucky it's been there for, we've done eight episodes in eight weeks and it's been in there for eight weeks. And it has to be stressed, Tina. That is because of you guys listening.

We have no marketing budget no we rely on you to spread the word and it is worth a mic now because in the emails we're getting people saying my friend told me about this podcast and that it's just brilliant to hear that so thank you so much that is so much of that is how we were getting our parenting advice wasn't it yeah that a lot of people will just be like well well, someone told me you should do this. I think it's the biggest compliment a podcast can possibly get. Another mom recommending your podcast

to a mom friend. It's brilliant. Thank you. Yeah, and I hope everybody had a good midterm break. We obviously take breaks from the podcast because we all need breaks. Yeah.

We decided to run our setup and our release schedule to coincide with the school schedule. Because if your midterm was anything like ours, you wouldn't have had a minute to listen to an hour or 45 minutes of podcasts. And I get really stressed out when there's loads of podcasts that I need to listen to back and up. How are you, though, with the whole madness of midterm where it doesn't actually feel like a break for you as a parent yeah i know and we only had one kid i don't know how people do it no my friend jim gaffigan was in dublin he has five kids and he he totally talks about how it's just chaos and that you accept the chaos yeah in the in the school we're in, a lot of families have five kids.

I don't know how they do it. Drop off is so cute, all the little humans coming out of their car, but that must be just so exhausting. Wall to wall madness. And I have to play devil's advocate a bit more on this podcast when I have to represent those parents. I feel like an application to go yeah but dina i have four mental kids yeah but you know in those families that have four or five or three kids

the older kids are incredibly helpful as well and you know the children do parent each other a little bit there you know the parents i sometimes think people take for granted that when you've got one child they're looking for you to do stuff with them all the time. Constantly. All the time. You don't get a break from them either. And they don't get the tough love of an older brother who's going, stop being a douche. There's so many things you have to teach them.

Like you have to teach them how to not lose the rag when playing games. You're constantly going, oh my God, we have to make sure he has none of these only child isms the whole time which he undoubtedly will like this is the thing but we're always watching out for it because we don't want him to have that reputation speaking of watching out for it oh we went away to the lyre at the state big shout out to the lyre at the state beautiful stay very lucky to get to go down there one of the best family hotels yeah i was just gonna say that i mean we obviously paid for our stay whatever this is not an endorsement no but um it is really welcoming to families you'd have to say they go out their

way to put on stuff you know discuss and things all things mike you refuse to go to but they're there available to children who want to go to the disco mom um it is impossible though i'd imagine for you tina in that setting to turn the eyes off when you're seeing so many different families like i remember going down to cove for sonia sullivan's 10 mile road race yeah and that was the first time i saw you in a restaurant kind of appalled by some of the screen parenting that was going on. Well, that broke my heart because all I saw was families out for dinner and no families talking to each other. Like it literally was at least 10 families. It was all of them. Yeah. And they just, all their kids were on screen and no one was talking to each other.

The only parenting that was happening was when they were fixing the screen for the other child. Yeah, and I just thought, how has this become that acceptable that we just plug our kids in so that we can talk and they're just faking to the dinner? Even the parents weren't talking to each other. They were on their screens. No, it did scare me, that one.

Yeah, but we saw something way worse. You know, I think any teacher or any person who works with children, you can never turn it off. You're always, it's actually a really annoying thing. You're always kind of a teacher. You hear that a lot. Like my dad's always saying how much he hates teachers

because they're always teachers. But it's true. You never stop being a teacher. My mom was a teacher. And I know exactly what you're talking about. And I also know that you never switch off the teaching, even even in you know our the romantic and intimate side of our relationship yeah but you know we laugh but like it was awful we're in the hotel and we're in the swimming pool i wasn't in swim pool because i just done my hair and i'm not crazy i knew that would take the whole evening

to redo my hair so i've got curly heavy hair so me and mike here in there yeah i'm sitting on the lounger nonsense yeah enjoying the boys yeah trying to enjoy the boys and you're seeing madness anyway in the pool the pool is always a place where you see dads being crazy dad's being kids i know i'm generalizing but like why do dads have to pick their kids up and throw them in pools why why can't you just swim and not splash everyone at this point i think it's something about strength it's like i can pick you up and throw you i think you also see a lot of dads who think they're great oh yeah look at this i'm so great look at me yeah i'm putting the kids up to the ceiling yeah so anyway jarlett was in the pool

basically doing that thinking he's great. Give me. Not true. Not true. OK, but go on. Anyway, we see this dad walk in with two lovely children. One of them appears to be upset straight away. Little guy. Screaming at the top of his lungs. Yeah.

And I thought, OK, what's going on here? You know, you think maybe this child has additional needs. Maybe there's extra needs here. That was your first thought. That's what I just said. Additionally, sorry, it's very early. And yeah, but the dad is like visibly stressed. Like he's tense, right?

Yeah. So I'm like, okay, this is all straight away, I think. It's strange. This doesn't seem right. I go, I'm not going to judge. I'm not being judgy. Gets in the pool and i think okay you know i don't know what it's like to have a child who may scream all the time so let them

have their holiday but then in the pool the child gets way worse like he's crying and really really screaming at the top of the lungs and everyone in the pool right maybe six yeah everyone in the pool is saying that really polite ir Irish thing where no one is looking or pretending that they're hearing the screaming I happen to be the only person sitting by the edge of the pool like there's loads of chairs there but I'm the only one the pool is rammed so you know

he is screaming but it's noisy anyway but then the dad like I saw the dad get the child by the head and hold him under the water quite aggressively. And I was like, you know, I couldn't move because I was like, what is happening? And I got really like, oh, God, this isn't playful. How long? Because I didn't see that.

No, because I'm seeing a lot of playful stuff happening with dads. But this doesn't seem right. And then it gets a few seconds, but it's just so forceful it's quite shocking and then he the kid comes up screaming way louder than he was before and the dad picks him by the shoulders that's what i saw and trashes him into the water up and down up and down now there are people all around them but everyone is turning a blind eye they don't see it i'm thinking what the hell am i gonna do because you have to do something right yeah right yeah but then i'm thinking okay this i don't know if there's a mom around because it's just a dad with the mom the little

girl seems absolutely fine she's off doing her thing and i'm thinking if he's this forceful with this child in public what is going to happen if i say something that makes him angrier exactly and he goes back to the room and he's even you embarrass me worse in private so i wish i could say it stopped there it didn't i saw him grab the kid by the shoulders yeah shake him in the water and say what is wrong with you yeah into his face like we were haunted yeah by what we saw yeah and i looked across the tina in the pool and i was like what do we do and i honestly was just sitting there thinking i don't know what to do because i don't want to make it worse for this kid because it

really scared me how little of a fuck that dad gave that people that people were watching now everyone was doing what we were doing everyone was looking thinking oh my god so full but not doing anything about it and uh this is kind of our own question yeah what do you what do you do when you when you see it because what we did was well i was like this child must have additional needs and then i hear the dad screaming what is wrong with you so i'm thinking would he say that to a kid who has additional needs like there's so little understanding here i leave the pool and i go out to the lifeguard and i report it and the life purse guard person said i can't do anything about that and i what did you say when he says that i said but i showed him i said but look in you can see

this dad is out of control using his kid that child is being abused in the swimming pool and he said i can't there's nothing i can do we can't step in we can't step in he said because oftentimes it just makes everything worse such first of all like all due respect to the lawyer and all of the rest of it but that's bollocks right on so many levels because if there's physical abuse taking place in the pool between two grown-ups yeah they would surely step in but because it's a child they can't yeah so i really didn't know what to do then because i i feel like i didn't feel like i could step in either but i thought okay i have tried now i've reported it to this

guy you guys took ages i don't know what you were doing in the dressing rooms so i did i'm sorry just looking offended this is the thing yeah we came into the dressing room with the kid okay and you know we were taking our time to keep an eye and see how is this gonna pan out right but this was the thing it was night and day right he was like okay calm down now this kind of stuff and as we saw them over the course of the stay it wasn't represented again it didn't display so that's what we agreed we said okay if we see that family again and we see this again we are going up i'm going to go up and i'm going to say i've seen what you've done i'm warning you i'm going to report you i was going to pretend i'm like that you work for child

service yeah like we got deep into this role but i also yeah but we didn't we didn't see anyone else they wouldn't believe you if you made it because it looks like happy families but the child also seemed really um yeah well we don't know he seemed so tired and out of it but by the next time we saw him but i obviously went down a bit of a rabbit hole on the internet of what do you do and we found some really interesting answers to this self-posed question to start today's episode well i was very interested in what you found because basically all your instincts are wrong yes so your first instinct is filthy look yeah which i did completely wrong yeah i did filthy look i did absolute daggers i did teacher look my teacher looks terrifying teacher look guys i cannot express how terrifying

tina's teacher look is i scare myself People need to send us their teacher looks because Tina's it's like lasers. You will behave just based on the look. But all jokes aside, we gave the guy the filthies and apparently you should not do that. The advice that was given was to relate to the parent. If you're going to intervene, you have to go up and say something like, my guy is a complete handful too, but aren't they precious? Yeah, it's very diffuse.

And you wouldn't change them. Yeah, appeal to the humanity, the heart there and go, I was a total rascal when I was a kid. Were you? Which is so interesting because when you see it like i had a like a visceral like i thought i was gonna vomit when i was watching i was like you look i was panicking because i was like i have to do something yeah then i was like what do i do anything i want

to do is going to make this way worse yes so it was really interesting to see that you're supposed to kind of appease them and try and calm them down and definitely don't confront this is what they said so uh let me put let me just pull it up here for a second because i have so we obviously are living with the guilt of feeling like we didn't do enough for this family yeah and as it turns out the mom was with them because when we saw them at dinner and breakfast and lunch, they seemed quite a happy, quiet family. Yeah. We never saw anything else.

But what we did see in the pool was horrific. So they say on various different websites, start the conversation is the first thing. Children can wear you out, can't they? Is there anything I can do to help? She seems to be trying your patience or my child has gotten me upset too. Or he has beautiful eyes. This can encourage a more positive mood from the parent. Divert.

Talk to the child to divert the child's attention if the child is misbehaving. Yeah. Look for the first opportunity to praise the parent and the child. Offer assistance if the child is in danger, for example. Avoid negative remarks or looks. These reactions are likely to increase the parent's anger and make matters worse. And that is really what we were scared, most scared of.

I was very scared of that because I always think if that's what they're doing in public, holy what's the private like yeah were you ever uh um rebuked by a parent who wasn't your own when you were a kid oh my god all the time sorry so funny that that was a thing yeah all the time in fact like i'm such a positive reinforcer of behavior but in fact sometimes i think it would be handy if a different grown-up just spoke to my child sometimes like i'm like because it's still i remember how shocking it was and it kind of you know that it was like you got punched when a grown-up you didn't know gave i hated when uh their parents would use other people like or or when i get used when parents are like do you see that man over there yeah he's

going to come over here i'm like i'm not going to do anything yeah i'm innocent well we hung around in hotels uh or you know a lot when we were hung around yeah i know that sounded so weird true though it is what you do yeah i remember wandering the corridors yeah and I remember like playing hide and seek and getting pulled out by the ear from behind the by a stranger by the manager

and being brought to my parents and told you're not allowed to play hide and seek that loudly that loudly I didn't know

how loud I was being but yeah all the time different grown-ups giving out to me yeah well look hopefully that's some help and hopefully you don't

witness that kind of stuff. But it's handy to be equipped. I do feel good that we know that now, but I don't feel good about the fact that we didn't do much. That we didn't say anything. I feel terrible. We did try. I told Barbara, another listener, about this,

and Paddy, who came to my show at Cherry Comedy, and we were all haunted about it. When I said it out loud... Well, Mikey's very upset because, like... It was dreadful. my show, a cherry comedy, and we were all haunted about it when I said it out loud. Well, Mikey's very upset because he's dreadful. Yeah, Mikey has a very sheltered life when it comes to it. Like the child doesn't get that this happens. He doesn't even get his voice raised to him. You know, like he'd laugh, I think if we ever shouted at him.

I think he just burst out laughing. But he was really shocked and I just felt very perilous. It's just a hard one because you just hope that dad was having a really bad day we didn't see it again and we saw them a lot yeah well i think i would have handled it differently if i was equipped with that information so i hope that is a help to you let's get straight on to our first question from our listeners i am so happy I found your podcast. It's so helpful and entertaining

and really great to listen to. I have an 11-year-old boy who is a very sensitive, kind, empathetic kid, and he's very close to his older brother, and they are great pals. He's lots of interest, does well in school, and has a nice bunch of friends. He's very funny and engaging and pretty happy generally.

I think he has some signs of anxiety, though though and i'd love your advice on this this i'm delighted this person sent this question in because there's absolutely no question the kids are displaying signs of anxiety having spent the last two years scared let's face it yes that's going to produce anxiety on some level she says he's developed some physical ticks a pattern of turning his head shoulder shrugging blinking throat noises that i've noticed him doing more often lately i'm wondering if i should say something to him about it or wait to see will it stop so far we've ignored it he will sometimes almost stammer when trying to get a sentence out god love him he has in the past told me he's occasionally worried about things without telling me what they are i bought him a book aimed at kids with cartoon pictures about

worry and anxiety which really explained it well and he asked for the book every night for a while he really seems to write well his mom is clearly on it as well yeah massive respect there great instincts often feels very badly for people and animals in movies or tvs and he said to me that he will sometimes find it hard to sleep if they've watched a movie where he felt bad for someone in it. He will be thinking about it afterwards. He never wants to feel like he's done something to make someone cross at him and will jump in with an anxious sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry at the slightest thing. Like us ask him, has he taken his lunchbox out of his school bag, for example. Has he taken his lunchbox out of his school bag? For example, we're not shouty, angry parents.

So this seems like an overreaction. I mean, my heart goes out to this woman because she's trying her best, but he's gone, he's become anxious. And I doubt that you're the only person with this problem. So hopefully this answer that Tina's going to give will be a help to people. I'll finish the email he also gets very attached to things and is very nostalgic right like myself about things like a manky old couch we had for 10 years that we recently had to get rid of he was actually upset the night before we were throwing it out. He told me, I'm afraid I'll forget all the good memories we had.

Oh my God. This kid sounds amazing. All the good memories we had while we had the couch. If we get rid of it. I praised him the other day for how well he has been since taking in the new couch. He still resists any talk of changing things in the house. We want to do a renovation of the kitchen. Worst idea ever for this guy.

I actually think he feels bad for the inanimate objects, old toys, if they get thrown out. He never wants to throw anything away and get rid of old toys from when he was a toddler. Now, this is, to me, a linchpin sentence. OK, because I'm thinking there was a big move or something. Here you go. Tina got there before me. She says, we moved house six years ago when he was five.

He loves our house now and he's very settled, but maybe that was a very hard thing for him. I'm worried that he will struggle to cope with this anxiety as he gets older. Any advice would be great. Thanks, Anonymous. Well, what a great mom, though, seriously, because she is so, her instincts are great. Her observation skills are amazing. She's really thinking about her child from every angle.

I worry, there's a little bit of me that worries that because he did find the move so hard years ago that without knowing she and her husband and maybe the brother as well have gone into a habit of enabling him to feel very upset about things and allowing him to feel these emotions they think they didn't allow him to feel at the time yeah because change is okay and we have to get our children used to change it's actually they're trying to compensate for what they feel they missed yeah i think so and uh like this child sounds like the most wonderful soul and the way he feels about everything it's just beautiful but you can challenge channel that in a different way you can like this talk about redoing the kitchen

definitely redo the kitchen. Get him on board. It's really important that we equip our children to cope with change. Definitely talk about all the feelings he's having about the change. But don't ever stop. Don't let worry about change be a reason not to do a project. That's tough, right? Because I can relate to this little dude. Yeah, I think we can vote

because our own little guy is similar. But I mean me. Yeah, you as well. You and Mike, you're basically the same thing. I struggle with change too. And I struggle with throwing things out. You guys need to see the office that we're in right now, surrounded.

Or some of the boxes that came home with us from England. Yeah, I mean... But it's like, what is in this box? But it's a fear, like there is, it is fear of loss. But your yours emanates from the same, similar reason as this boy, in that you moved house too, and all your stuff was gone. Yeah.

Yeah. And now you're terrified of all your stuff being gone. So you hold on to everything. 100%. But you were older. And here I am, 42 years old. This kid's 11. You were older when that happened,

but it still impacted on you so much. So incredibly, this mom has already noticed, okay, we didn't do this well the first time. It's had an effect. But the horse hasn't bolted. No, of course not. They just have to equip him. Now, the poor child has developed tics.

That's really tough. Very hard to watch. Amazing that this mom has had such good instincts that she has known not to draw attention to it because that is exactly what you have to do. You have to ignore it. Really? Yeah, you have to just ignore it.

And then you need to teach them ways. Well, first of all, you have to ignore it. Really? Yeah, you have to just ignore it. And then you need to teach them ways. Well, first of all, you have to ignore it because maybe he doesn't even know he's doing it yet. Okay? Now, if he comes to you and talks about it, then you have to definitely talk about it with him and let him know it's okay. What do you say? You tell him it's okay. This is just something you're doing right now. You're feeling a lot of feelings inside and it's manifesting in this way.

Absolutely OK. It is OK to feel whatever you're feeling. But you need to give him coping mechanisms for it. Now, if he's not talking about it, you still do the coping mechanisms and just be like, you know, sometimes when you're, you know, you're rubbing your nose all the time. How about we then put our hands together and stretch out and keep stretching until that feeling is gone so tina's putting her hands together the way you would to pray yeah and then interlock the fingers twist them outwards yeah sorry hands out and push it out and say hold that feeling hold that push

until the feeling to rub your nose is gone and then relax you got to give them ways of coping with the tick and doing it in a way that doesn't draw so much attention to them. And you've provided this mum with these kind of things over the course of re-revealing her. Yes, I have because the last thing this child needs is somebody like a teacher or a different grown-up going, what are you doing? Or stop that.

So I also told her that if it's very prominent and if he's doing it a lot you gotta go to all the grown ups in your life and different friends and say I tell them not to do it

this is what's happening right now do not draw attention get everyone on board get everyone on board the last thing that child needs is more

stress on him for what's happening yeah we actually I really feel since pandemic you see it a lot in kids kids are

developing i've definitely noticed it i've definitely noticed it in more kids a bit of this yeah myself i get if i'm nervous it like i found i've developed kind of a social anxiety like if we're going anywhere before we go i'm like i can't stop it and jerry's like what are you doing i'm like are you using the coping mechanisms yeah i'm trying i really am i i but isn't it funny you know all this stuff and you don't apply it to yourself that's why i find it really helpful for people to know even when they write into the podcast that you know like yeah it's it's easy for me to take a bit of time and give you a way of coping with it. But sometimes I have to do that for myself.

So don't feel bad if you don't think of these things straight away. Because sometimes I have to sit myself down and go, and Charlotte, you have to remind me like, okay, what do we do when Mikey behaves like this? We don't react. Remember, you sit in silence and you let him hear what he's saying. Honestly, guys, it's very tough when I say that to Tina. And she's like, oh, no. I know. I banged my head off my head.

I know, I shouldn't have reacted. But let me ask, go back to the change of the kitchen, right? Yeah. Just to finish out this question. When you say get the kid on board, how would you do that if it's something like, we're going to need to throw out all your old teddy bears you've got a ridiculous collection of teddy bears because you will not let these go yeah when you

say get on board when it's something that they're just like i just can't let this go yeah well how do you do that well like i know you know there's that whole what's her name maria condo or something oh yeah yeah yeah does it bring you joy i hate that and so many people are like my house has no personality now because i got rid of everything thanks to maria condo condo that's her name but like i just think you we have to equip our children and let them know you can't hold on to everything forever but pick the five favourites let's keep them let's put them somewhere special or say

okay you can't let go of them right now so we're going to pack them up we're going to put them in the attic they're safe and now if you've realised in a few weeks time I haven't missed them at all then we pass them on to someone else or you do and you never tell them if you've realized in a few weeks time, I haven't missed him at all. Then we pass him on to someone else. Or you do and you never tell them.

Oh, dear. You can't. Like, that's exactly what did it with me. I'm joking. It was like I was told the stuff was safe and then it was gone. Oh. And, you know, you just like, I got a step in there.

You were a grown up when this happened. But if you breach that trust with your child. I'm joking. That you pack it away and then give it away. Yeah. Unbeknownst to them. And they go and look for it. Yeah.

They'll never forgive you. Yeah, but I was joking. He was joking. But I do think that's a really good idea that you go, let's give it eight weeks. Yeah. And if you didn't miss them in the eight weeks then let's make another call we have to be able to ease them into change yeah because um change is all the time everything and it's nearly the most important lesson for them now i think this lady would really benefit

from going on to the jigsaw website on and way ahead therapy.com because um they that those websites those resources are incredible they are just amazing for helping you know what to do you can literally type in anything and they'll have an answer like it's an amazing resource it's free right yeah yeah 100 and they've got a line that you can actually call yeah actually ring someone in there if it's not a case of you don't have time to go through the website even though the website's brilliantly set up give them a shout we'll include the number in the notes yeah i hope that's well i i just want to say i think it's really important and these are resources available because you're so close to it when it's your own child you're so

close that just even reading through their advice calms you yeah and helps you go okay i got this i know what to do now yeah because we're not equipped for the worry that comes attached to our own child when it's another child i'm all ready i'm like yeah let's do this my own child i'm like i need that breath where i can step away and think okay this isn't forever it's all going to be okay i have a plan now it's that moment between where you don't react straight away and think, okay, this isn't forever. It's all going to be okay. I have a plan now. It's that moment between where you don't react straight away and think, oh my God, he's going to be worried for the rest of his life. So big shout out to this mom for getting in touch. I think she's incredibly observant.

She's on it. I think that unfortunately, this is way more normal than ever before. Everything she's doing is great. I hope we've helped her in a little way and anyone else is struggling like this get in touch we'll try our best to help brilliant the email address is honey you are ruining our kid at gmail.com now i think a new segment of the show needs to be uh i left him for one minute i think it's hilarious that while we're recording you're like i think a

new segment of the show should be no we have discussed this okay i don't remember there's been so many times in our relationship and our parenting where tina said i left you alone with him for one minute yes and now he's wearing a top hat and cane that was the worst one that was among the worst right so we were up doing a comedy festival in Dublin and Tina said I'm gonna go into Zara and have a look for a top for tonight she came back out Mikey's wearing a top hat carrying a cane and a monocle yes and full character he was like two years old he was on board and loving his life yeah

okay and I don't regret it in the slightest except when he dropped the cane down a lift shaft two minutes later two minutes later

in between the gap you know where the door's opening the lift it slides down and he is inconsolable and now I have to go back to the joke shop and get him a second cane

to be fair he still has the cane in top half yeah he does he's very good at he still has the cane in Top Bash. Yeah. He does. He's very good at twirling the cane. Yeah. But like, how many dads and how many moms had those moments?

How many moms face Pam? Well, I remember the Andre Agassi book, an incredible book, where he talks about being married to Steffi Graf, her going to the shops and him saying, I'll give the kid a haircut. Just a little trim around the fringe. And he wound up shaving him like fully one blade bald oh my god like a two-year-old and her coming back stephy graff out saying i left you for one minute every single time i went to my clinic my hospital visit i come back and you've shown him something even more inappropriate than the last time i'd be like oh

great we're into star wars now fabulous but the best one and the hotel reminded me of it and the fact that i've been injured for the last four weeks with a back issue i've been having all sorts of physio and it's been it's been horrific tina wants this injury cleared up more than anyone more than anyone else i keep saying this to Charlotte. Trust me, Charlotte. I'm on board. I want you to get better too. If anyone wants you back running, it's me. Well, anyone who's married to a runner knows that when they're not running,

they're not great crack to be around. Oh, he's miserable. I have been in a dark place. So I haven't really been on socials. I've been trying to just get this sorted. But I've been using a brilliant cream called Muscle Rescue. Oh, my God. That is a herbal version of DePete.

I remember now. And this stuff, I will tell you, if you're having back issues with a lot of moms and dads have in terms of picking up and putting down and just the work involved, get the Muscle Rescue onto you. It will set you alight yes so rewind to three years ago just before the pandemic hit are we three years or four years out of nearly nearly three nearly three okay time is so weird now but um we're in a hotel in Kerry uh it's my birthday I'm not feeling very well as per per usual. I go to the toilet. Mikey's loving the hotel room because they've put like a Christmas tree and they've made his bed really nice and all. I go to the toilet.

I come out and Jar is sitting on the bed massaging Mikey's feet. Give him a foot rub. Being a good dad. Yeah, being adorable dad. We've done a lot of walking. Yeah, we've done a lot of walking that day actually. But then I'm like, what are you rubbing into? What is that smell?

What's the smell, Jar? And he's like, it's this. It's okay. It's herbal, you said. It's herbal. I was like, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

I think I dived across the bed to try and get out. I mean. She slapped it from my hands. It smashes against the window. Mikey's like, what? It's nice. But he's already starting to feel the tingly. And we both know.

I was like, what were you thinking? Within seconds, his feet are ablaze. Yeah. Like his tiny little. It's New Year's Eve because that's the night of my birthday. That's why we're away. Crappiest day for a birthday ever has to be said. Yeah.

He is. So there's no camera. i didn't bring nerf in i'm having to get jarrett to go run around kenmare town to try and see if there's anything open but tina we couldn't get it to stop no that was the thing it was i was wiping it off and then i was in the bath with him in the cold bath he's like my feet are still on fire and i was like i left you alone for one minute so if you have a i left you alone for one minute story please send it in and we will have a prize for the best one i can i can just tell that there's moms more than likely moms coming back now typing as we speak that i left him alone for one minute. He had him behind the wheel of the car.

You've done that too. Send them in. Honey, you are ruining our kid at gmail.com. Yeah, so this next question is a return question. Oh, this is someone coming back. It's someone coming back. Hi, Tina. Thank you for your email.

It's so lovely to hear back from you. We took the bedside rail off the cot to enable our little one to use the bathroom at night. So they had gotten in touch before. How do we get rid of nappies at night time? At night time. I'm not sure if we had their question on the podcast, but this is someone I have been helping. Right. So they, so wets at night.

So they take the handrail or the side rail off the cot to enable the youngster to go to the loo at night. It's a hard task trying to keep him there at nap time, at bedtime. Any tips on that? As for the poo,

he did two successful poos in the toilet with the reward of a new toy. But today he went in his pants. The struggle continues. But the poo is, like I was saying, that's a celebration because a lot of boys have a really tough time letting go. Yeah, catch us up here on this person.

So this lovely person was struggling to get her child to toilet train. Right. Wouldn't do a poo in his toilet. Yes, I think we did have this on the show. I'm not sure. Yeah, maybe we did. But would only do his poos in his nappy. Yeah, you're right. We talked about this on the show.

Insisted on pooing in the nappy. Yeah. So he's doing really well, poo boys. I think that's a massive win. Big progress. Big progress. Now. now the rail the rail on the cot see my first thing there is that if you're expecting your child to be all mature and get out of bed and go toilet you kind of need to make that move to the bed right even if it's just a little difference will that make well i mean if he if he's the cot he still is so you're you're you might not know it but you're still treating him like a baby

right you know and uh if it's a cot that can turn into a cot bed just make sure that it doesn't look like the cot anymore right just be like this your bed now so just psychologically yeah absolutely because in so many ways children will will will live up to the expected behaviour. Wow. But if you're still putting them to bed like a baby, they're still going to think they're a baby. Yeah. So. And look, let's be honest. When I jump in here.

Yeah. Some of the putting them to bed as a baby is for mum and dad. Oh, look, you miss it. I miss that so much. Oh, me too. Oh, my goodness. But yeah, I mean, so much, oh my goodness but yeah i mean so much so many times i have to say well who's this for is this for me or for him yes and i've heard you say this yeah how much of our parenting behavior that is holding them back yeah is about you oh

and i've had very tough tough tough chats with moms and dads in my school throughout the years of going, okay, okay, but who needs it more? You or him? And this is like hugs at the door. Hugs at the door and coming into the classroom for that extra hug. I'm like, okay, your child is settled. So who's this hug for? It's for you. Because he's happy.

So why are you here? Tough chat. Yeah, I know. Does that always go down well? Doesn't go down well i win them back i win them back they want the kid to everyone wants their kid to be happy yeah my role is to help the child yeah and if a parent is making that harder for the child i have to be honest with them and be like look i know you love your child but your child's happy he settled in here yeah

you're disrupting it now you're making him feel like oh my mom's worried oh i should worry yeah something wrong so if you get the kid the bed he's probably probably gonna be a bit like oh big dude now yeah and also his room needs to feel like his room it all needs to feel like i am big boy um i am using the toilet because i am a big guy i am expected this is expected of how it works yes also our children do not know what is expected of them you have to tell them everything right so this child just needs to be told when you go to bed for your nap or a night time don't get out unless you need to go toilet because that is the only rule you you can get out of your bed if you have a weird poo-poo that is great go to it but then you get out of your bed. If you've a weird poo-poo, that is great. Go to it. But then you get back into your bed and you go to sleep.

We do not walk around the house. It is not safe. My job is to keep you safe. And we can't do this. It's not safe to walk around the house. Of course it's not. Ah, you know what I mean, Geraldine. But you know what I mean.

You don't want to say that, do you? You do want to say that. Okay, you don't want to. Well, look, there's a chance. Yeah, I get. I know that you don't like when I interrupt. You're not going to say that, do you? You do want to say that. Okay, you don't want... Well, look, there's a... Yeah, I get... I know that you don't like when I interrupt. You're not going to say, the boogeyman might get you.

Yeah, but you know, I'd just be scared of saying to my kid, the reason you can't get out of bed at night is because it's dangerous. You're not saying it's dangerous. You're saying my job is to keep you safe. And I can't keep you safe. If at night time, I think, is he going to fall down the stairs when he's wandering around?

Actually, the words, my job is to keep you safe, is really empowering for a child here because they think, fair enough. My mom's being reasonable. She's just trying to keep me safe. She's not a party pooper. No. She's just looking after you. She's just like, I love you and my job, it's my responsibility to keep you safe.

It's actually a very good one to have in the back pocket, that one. I've told it to parents to use it. They can't believe how helpful it is. I've done it myself. I still do it. You still do it. Yeah. Let me ask you a quick question before we leave this one,

because that's really great. And shout out to this mom. Well, I just think this is an exciting moment. Yes. I know the struggle continues and it will. It a little guy it's a boy i hate generalizing but boys can need all those extra reminders they need to be you need to bring that boy to the toilet till he's at least 12 till i mean even now when we're leaving the house i'm like go to the toilet yep you are not coming with us until you've gone yeah the toilet. Yeah. Get back on that toilet before bed.

I really want to jump in with this question because it's probably one that people are reluctant to even send in. Okay. And that's getting your kid to stay in their bed. Oh, yeah. Rather than try and get in with mom and dad. Well, I think that comes back to what I kind of said before. Who is that for? The bedtime.

Yeah, because it is nice. Yeah. Is that for you or the child now of course your child should be able to come in have the morning snuggle with you in the morning sleep is so important i know parents are so tired but you can manage to break that habit in four nights right getting your child back to bed popping them back in the bed time this is your bed you're safe in here this is your big boy bed this is a big girl bed this is where you sleep mommy and daddy need their sleep too when they come in give them the hug pop them back to their bed but both of you need to be on that page yeah like this is where big strife takes place when dad is the one saying

it yeah and mom is like oh let him and it's very tough if the habit is formed. I would always say, don't let that habit start. First of all, it's just not safe when they're babies. It really isn't. It's not safe. Yeah. So it's like even when he was teeny tiny and he was in the bed with us, we were both terrified of rolling over and. Yeah, you don't sleep. Crushing him. No.

But we are going to get a sleep expert. Yes, we are. On the show. It's very exciting. A really incredible lady from Taylor Made Babies. She's amazing. She's helped loads of my friends. That's how I found out about her.

That's an episode to look forward to. And she had, my friends got, one of my friends, Lucy, got in touch to say, this woman has changed my life. Okay. And we've got so many questions about sleep. Sleep. Then I was like, oh, well, I'll get in touch with say, this woman has changed my life. And we've got so many questions about sleep. Sleep. Then I was like, oh, well, I'll get in touch with this lady because she's a sleep expert and she is excited to come on.

That's coming soon on Honey, You're Ruining Our Kit. It really is toilet week here on Honey, You're Ruining Our Kit. Hey, guys, really love the podcast. Keep up the great work. We have a five year old here five year old twin boys who are having a great midterm but mom and dad can't wait for them to go back to school if i'm totally honest i have a question regarding nighttime bed wetting one of our boys has been fully trained since he was 2.5 years old but never got night time training. We've tried so many times

but he still wakes up wet in the morning. So isn't waking when he wheeze during the night. That's the problem. Okay. He sometimes gets very upset when we say we're going to try again. We spent a week before midterm talking about giving up his sleepy pants the pull-ups saying how he's almost five yeah fifth birthday next week we know he can give up the sleepy pants if an accident happens it's okay yeah because that's what washing machines are for so didn't put any pressure on him yeah or ever get across get across with him so the friday they finished school we stopped using the sleepy pants but he's still wetting at night so my question is do we keep going or do we go back to sleepy pants and try again at the christmas holidays we don't want him getting upset over it

and we don't want him going to school smelling of wee oh lord that's the big fear isn't it yeah any advice would be great thank you so much anonymous you know how i feel i feel like don't give up keep going you have to but that's me I'm not in this situation I don't have twin boys so I do think this podcast all about no judgment at the end of the day no matter what I say you got to do what suits your family best okay but he's nearly five he's five in a week he knows well he knows well that child does he is well able to get out of his bed too he's at school doing maths probably and history and learning art he's well able to get up in the nighttime and fair point when you think about what they can do yeah i mean why is this a thing we're saying they can't do

well some of it's just habit right some of it's probably fear he's probably afraid and maybe he doesn't have great bladder culture control yet lots of kids don't so i actually um this mom got in touch and i i had a lot of back and forth with her she's amazing mom she's her boy seems so lucky and what i was saying to her was that while i never encourage restricting fluids, I said maybe there should be a cut-off point for him. That, you know, no drinks after seven. None. And not just one toilet check before bed, two toilet checks.

And then I thought, because he's five, you might need to root him out of bed when you're going to bed, pop him on the toilet, get him to do another wee and put him back to bed. But I did say, depending on his temperament. Some children, that's a really good way of stopping them wetting when you're going to bed just get them out sleepy walk to the toilet get them to do their wee just turn the tap on the wee will come out get them back to bed and i also said that and maybe first thing in the

morning when you get up go in again because going to be happening. It's not thing forever. When I give this advice to parents, it's always with the plan. You're going to phase this out. So anything I say is not the rest of your life. So don't panic. It's not like the rest of your life. You're going to have to go in at 12 o'clock and get him on the toilet just until he stops, because then he has a new pattern of behavior where he does a wee or he wakes up on his

own and goes to wee in the toilet. I thought maybe because he's five, because they've tried a few times, he needs a motivator. So I thought maybe this is a good opportunity for a toileting chart again. A very short one first. He gets up and he's dry. He gets a tick. Three ticks. Three days. Am I saying that right? Three days in a row of three ticks on his chart he gets a reinforcer maybe that's a cartoon maybe that's a meal he loves i don't know something that he he will work towards then go to five stretch it out to seven stretch it out to ten or and then it's gone he's forgotten about it and he's not doing that behavior anymore he wakes up dry

that's the hope um also i thought it's i you know i hear this all the time and i love it that she said we haven't actually got angry at him we haven't got cross we're not trying not to put pressure on him now putting pressure on him brilliant that's great but it is okay to get upset with your child if they're wetting the bed and they're five i'm not saying it's okay to shout at them but i think it's okay to say, this is not acceptable. Nobody wee's in their bed. You wee in the toilet. I think it's absolutely fine for you to say to your child, there are rules. And in our house and every house, you get out of the bed and you go to the toilet when you need to wee. So there is a line. Of course course there is he's not a baby he's five

yeah and i love that this mom isn't putting him under pressure that's not putting him under pressure either that's just letting him know what is acceptable behavior and some kids do need it spelled out you are going to have to say to them during the night time if you wake up was that i don't know in my own ear sorry i didn't know what that was. Sounds like. I was like, are you doing some kind of. Yeah. So you're going to have to spell out to your children sometimes a week. You know, actually, the more info you give them, the better. And repeat it as often as you like, because the chances are they're not listening the first two times you say it.

Is, you know, during the nighttime, if you have a wee, you get out of bed, you go toilet. If you're afraid to go to it on your own, you call us. We'll come get you. If you feel brave enough, let's have a wee, you get out of bed, you go to the toilet. If you're afraid to go to the toilet on your own, you call us. We'll come get you. If you feel brave enough, let's put a torch by your bed. And this is your wee wee torch and you bring it to the toilet when you're doing your wee wee. Do not wee in your bed. That is not OK. You are too big.

You are five. The wee wee torch. I love the wee wee torch. I mean, as a concept, Tina. I mean. Yeah, but you know I'm a big fan of the wee wee toilet light. I love it. Tina wanted to light the toilet toilet you can get these under lighters for brilliant and i just didn't want to see it i just didn't i didn't understand well if you've got a little five-year-old that's great because they know the sensor goes off there's light in the bathroom let's let's face

it the biggest fear of nighttime is the darn sure and that's why I also think the wee wee torch can be enough to crack this. Yeah. Because the idea that a kid wakes up in the middle of the night, even if he doesn't have a wee, if he has a wee wee torch. Yeah. He wants to give it a go. Yeah. He wants to use his wee wee torch and go and he'll try a wee in the middle of the night. And that's game changer.

It's hard for parents because they're so tired and they don't want their sleep interrupted you've got them to five and you're thinking we're finally getting our sleep back but it's not forever i have to stress out with everything you will crack this and um once he's once he's in the habit it's all about forming these new habits his habit right now is weeing in the bed he obviously loves the toilet pants because he doesn't have to get out ruse himself out of bed so i think they can do it i think this kid is amazing and i think your voice he's got a twin who's doing it yeah no harm yeah being like your brother's him your brother's doing it yeah indirectly praise the other kid in front of him yeah shame him no but no but i'm not joking you can be like it is so great that you went to the toilet during the

night and didn't wet your bed and then just say nothing to the other kid yeah you know things like that absence of praise absence of praise absence of commenting be like oh you just make me so happy i never have to worry about you because i know if you have a wee you go to the toilet and you're like i mean it works it does work Mikey listened to one of the episodes over the midterm and he said mommy you're real

no nonsense now Tina will never say this but we have received just so many emails of thanks and brace for what you've been doing, Tina.

I'm so, so happy that this is impacting on people. I'm so happy that you're so comfortable to continue doing it. And like we said at the top, the show can't go on without that support. without that support. If you'd like bonus episodes, there's a bunch of episodes that we have over on patreon.com forward slash Irishmanabroad from the early

pilot season, which are some of the ones that I'm most proud of. I do love the current ones, but if you need more, if you're like, I need more, honey, you're ruining our kid and my life, go over there and you get access to all the Irishmanabroad podcasts. But Tina, thanks so much well I kind of like

we're getting emails from people who don't even have kids who just say they enjoy us laughing and stuff and that makes me really happy and I got an email from a child from a child

yeah I got a voice note in an email from a child and it made me cry it was so special and lovely so that made me think this is

I'm just so lucky to get to do this we'll keep doing it if you keep listening to it and you keep spreading the word we'll keep climbing the charts the day we hit one in that chart we're having a party yeah we've only got to five i never thought i care about the charts but i'm super competitive now i'm like amy hooverman who i love she's like the nicest person ever. I'm like, I'm going to get her. I'm like getting in touch with Amy the whole time, going nearly there, Amy.

I'm nearly by. But she's like the nicest person in the world. Like that woman is a saint. She's so sweet. But I hope that people do get in touch with us about what we talked about at the start of the show because we are a bit haunted by that. Yeah, definitely. I, you know, even Mikey keeps bringing it up.

We didn't get it right. We're not proud of it. We're not proud of it. And it would be helpful for all of us to know what you would do in that situation and have you seen it? How common is it? But I do want to just end on a positive note

and say thank you to all of you. Yeah, thank you so much. And I hope you all had a great midterm and thanks for listening. Keep the questions coming. Keep them coming in. And don't be afraid to get back to me. I had a mom get in touch this week to say it didn't work. I need more help.

And I was like, OK, let's do it. Let's go again. And that's fine. That's realistic. It's not always going to work. Not always going to work. But Tina will be here with more advice. And we'll be back. Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid is an Irishman Abroad podcast presented in association with

Go Left. Editing, research, and production by Jolliff and Tina Regan. To support the continued creation of this podcast and to hear even more Irishman Abroad podcasts, including extra bonus episodes of Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, Why not consider supporting us on patreon.com forward slash Irishman Abroad today. Don't forget to email Tina your questions on honeyyouareruiningourkid at gmail.com because let's face it, it's hard to raise kids not to be gobshines.