Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - EP2 Toilet Training, Tantrums And True Confidence

Episode Date: September 11, 2022

Tina reveals the toilet training secrets that she has seen work time and time again over the last 22 years of working with kids with all sorts of behavioural challenges. The mailbox was flooded this week after the launch of the show. Jarlath presents a few of the best emails and reflects on some of the not so perfect parenting he's been guilty of in the past. Should you let your kid cry or tell them to "sort themselves out"? That's the question on parenting news this week. Tantrums rarely sort themselves out. Tina has a few great tips on what to do if you're facing a screaming child in public. There's news on an up-coming guest and much much more. Massive thanks to everyone who has been in touch. Tina is working her way through the emails and will be in touch soon if she hasn't already. Contacting the show is easy. Email Jar andTina at [e-mail].

We are back. Honey, you're ruining our kid. The parenting podcast from the Irish Men Abroad Podcast Network with me, Charlie Regan, the comedian and the doing the best I can with the limited tools I have, father, and our resident child behaviour professional with more than 20 years of experience in education, early intervention and severe behavioural cases, my wife and the mother of our little Mikey, Tina Regan. Thanks for being here, Tina. So happy to be here. It has to be said, I did twist your arm to do this show, but the response to episode one was so positive and so many great questions following it up.

Yeah. Are you happy still doing this? Because i know that it was a big ask oh look people have been so lovely about episode one and the questions are amazing and the listeners to your show are just incredible people and their emails are so well written and really funny and you can see that these parents are really enjoying their kids they just need a little bit of help it's really nice this is the podcast where we come to feel a little bit better about whatever we are going through with the kids in our lives whether you are raising them or if you're just related to them pulling your hair out or just worried about them a little bit i mean that's a really common thing i'm just worried worried. The messages that we've received, the questions we're getting, you submit anonymously your queries,

your concerns, the scenarios you're facing into on a daily basis that you don't know what to do with. The behaviour you can't get on top of, I put it to Tina. As she said last week, though, and I do love this about the show, you're not offering hard and fast answers. There is no finger wagging here. If nothing else, we will empathize. And at the end of this, hopefully you won't feel as alone in your battle. Is battle too big of a word? No, battle is the perfect word.

We are all just trying our best. We are all just, you know, trying to do right by our children. Yeah. And it feels like it's a battle because it feels never ending. Yeah. And just like any battle, there are moments of calm. Yeah. There are periods where you're like, oh, I've got a bit of peace time.

And moments of triumph when something works and you, you know, you feel really good about yourself as a parent. And then there's devastation as well well yeah oh my god well like i always think it's good to open the show with a little bit of honesty about what we're living through the moment our son mikey is 11 and uh it's safe to say things didn't go brilliant last night in that last week we talked about how Tina sometimes feels like she has two kids. And one of them is 41 years old and one of them is 11. And that Mikey views me as his older, wealthy friend. I guess I got it wrong last night.

You explain to people what I did. Well, around half six-ish, Charlotte decided that a spontaneous tickle fight needed to happen, which, to be honest made mikey really happy and stuff but it didn't end until like eight o'clock or something no no you know like there was moments of no tickles but then it was on again you're saying i tickled him from half six to half eight there was tickle anticipation for the next two hours and mikey was giddy yeah and i was like okay that's cute and all but it was driving me a bit mad because i know it's sunday night he needs to go to sleep he's in year

six he's got his stats at the moment and i was like if you really want to do a bit of rough and tumble why not during the day why would you pick the evening yeah so i wasn't too nice about it and it was me taking a notion yeah notions for pot for potions. I mean, a lot of the stuff that I've learned in the 11 years is maybe run it by her. You're doing this together. Yeah, but you were also, he told you you're a great lad and you were enjoying that. So I was just looking like the Wicked Witch of the West while you were like the best daddy ever. Me and daddy are having so much cock. My mom's so annoying.

But anyway, when i checked on him at around 10 to 10 10 ish he was still awake in bed of course he was so i went up and tickled him some more it wouldn't wouldn't surprise me but sure look jarlett is a lovely daddy and he's always just trying to make sure mikey's happy you don't you don't need to say that people people people the rough and tumble talk is one that i think we definitely need to have on the episode because i am unclear on how much it's necessary to rough your kid up i mean in the absence of school when we were doing homeschool i did feel it was my responsibility to bully him

slightly and you know give him the odd wedgie and noogie shoulder him into door frames and stuff but i do think that there is a discussion that's needed around a lit particularly with only children with only children there is a need for it because they don't have a brother and sister pushing them down the stairs or jumping on their head when they're in bed but um he does get it enough at school like they're pretty ram what's that word rambunctious yes that's the word but uh yeah i'm all for the tickle fest but just not not before bed i think everyone would agree on that i don't think i'm being that mean saying please don't start the tickle fight before bed well I think everyone would agree on that. I don't think I'm being that mean saying, please don't start the tickle fight before bed.

Well, with so much to come up on this episode, so many brilliant questions. We'll also have parenting news and that final part of the show where we're just really honest with each other as to what I'd really love you didn't do anymore. You say honest, I say brave. anymore you say honest i say brave now the first question relates to something that i think we've all witnessed whether we are just talking about kids that we're related to and something we've we've definitely seen at some point or another on the street okay it's the situation that this emailer sends in is this

having a mare with our three and a half year old and the current tantrums they are next level he sometimes grunts or even screams or else screams and it could last from two to 30 minutes as a quality level that's premier league tantruming there hats off to this child for the commitment to the tantrum of 30 minutes in length now what sets it off that's the question that i'm immediately asking when i'm reading this this emailer says the smallest thing can trigger it occasionally it's just if he hurts himself but more frequently it's seemingly minor things like too much milk in his weetabix or the bedroom door left at the wrong angle thanks a mil i mean okay you know where do you start with that like we have limited information here yeah but you know i feel much more comfortable with this question

because three-year-olds are my bag i work with three and four-year-olds every day love them just love how um into their order they are and i guess my montessori background we learn about how children are naturally in a phase of high order at this time and people sometimes wonder what that means but like when they're going through that even carrying your coat over your arm rather than wearing it can make a child that age tantrum or feel uncomfortable because it makes no sense to them at that age in that period of high order they think if you're going to hold your coat put it on like you know so it can seem really irrational but to them it's not to them it just doesn't make sense now i'm not saying that's what's going on here but sometimes when you realize that there is

this need for order in that little child's life it's easier to understand why they get upset about too much milk or the door not being open well enough for them my advice to this lovely mom is that um i feel like she needs to work on is it a boy yes yeah work on him owning and recognizing how he's feeling so there needs to be lots of chat in the house not just about his feelings but about everyone's feelings and how how they're feeling at all times sounds like he's feeling like the joker in these moments that he just wants to burn the world but like it's not easy for him to be tantruming either i mean that's a lot of energy he's he's exhausting himself why would he like let me jump in here i don't want to interrupt your answer because this is a really great answer already but you've said like it's order but like yeah why why is there this need to communicate it through screeching or grunting well that's what i mean about getting him to recognize his feelings

because he feels that's the only way to be hurt whereas if the mother or father gets down to his level gives him the eye contact he needs and says things like I can see you're really upset I can see that you're you're crying and you're sad and you're feeling angry and you need to say let's just take a breath now I'm listening I see that you're angry tell me why get the child to to have reflect and think well why am i angry and try and put it into words and then we practice what you hope happens is that the child is able to say i you know please don't put that much milk in my my breakfast it makes me feel angry or sad and they're just instead of going straight to to i'm on the ground i I'm kicking my legs and I'm screaming. And the mom is like, I have no idea why.

So just getting him to be more reasonable. It's very hard though, Tina. Like if I could just say this, like I really feel for this parent. Oh, of course. You feel powerless when your child is doing that. Also, sorry for jumping over you, Charlotte, but it's really important at this age that you give your children warning about what's coming next okay at school we call it the now and next policy and it's just a habit that the grown-ups should get into themselves when working in the

one to four five year old age group right where you say to the child now we're gonna have breakfast but next we're gonna do this right now it's more now it's going to have breakfast, but next we're going to do this. Right. Now it's morning, we're getting up, but next we're going to have breakfast. Because you know what? You can already see how you're pulling the fuse out from the potentially charged moment of breakfast is over. I don't want breakfast to be over. This is my breakfast.

You're ruining it. But even if the now and next doesn't work, it still gives the child a sense of calm. But it is, if they react like you just reacted, it is saying to them, it's acknowledging how they're feeling. That's really important to a child. Just saying to them, I can see that that made you cross. I'm so sorry.

Let's talk about it. But here's the hard one, right? Just to push back on your answer right so down to the level yeah you know let's talk about what it is you're going through right now but i always found it hard when you were like don't give that any attention you know and when you see and i love this when i see when i'm write about a teen and a kid is on the ground in the street. Yeah. Like literally lying on the ground.

Everybody is going to know what I'm talking about here. Or you see a kid on the aisle of a supermarket beating the ground. Yeah. And the mom is just giving it nothing. And you're always like, what a cool, what a cool mom in that situation. Generally, you're like, I mean, hats off. mom in that situation generally you're like i mean hats off but that's not getting down to the level well i don't know if i'm always i don't know if you're right there i'm always impressed by that i'm more impressed by the mother who

who is not afraid to parent how she pays it parents at home in public i really don't like and i think children have worked out if their mom's too embarrassed to parent the way she does at home in public. Yeah.

So they're trying to mortify her. Yeah. And kids are so good at doing that. And those moms who are like oh this is so funny or dads.

What's he like? What's he like? What's he doing? He never does this. And you're like come on just move by the embarrassment. Don't give a shit about what anyone else thinks of you.

Parent your child. It's okay to parent your child. If your child's on the ground having a tantrum, pick them up like a rugby ball and keep going. Don't give it any attention, but don't let them have that power either. I can't cope with stuff like that. like a rugby ball and keep going. Don't give it any attention, but don't let them have that power either. I can't cope with stuff like that. I'm like, just pick the kid up. Keep going.

Don't let them have this power over you. Yeah, but it's an amazing, though, that habit of knowing that they smell blood in the water. Oh, children are amazing. But they would know that you won't do it in front of your parents. Oh, yeah. They're kind of picking their spots. Now, to go back to the emailer.

Yeah. This situation of the door not like they're obviously leaving the door of the bedroom at an angle so that they can keep an eye on the fucking kid. Yes. What do you say there? But you're not listening to me when i say i am no no i know that you're not taking on board how much children don't feel hurt okay and you're saying that it takes a lot for a grown-up to get down to the level and explain they understand their feelings but we do that to each other all the time children don't get that respect from us they're expect i'm

not saying this mom's not respecting her kid but it's not we don't feel like the child deserves all these explanations that we would give each other yeah but they do they do deserve it and they deserve to know why you're doing something and what's going to happen next and what's going on so i really do feel for this mother i do think helping this child talk about their feelings will help them lots i really think if the child feels like the they're trying to understand his feelings that there's an empathy there it's not just come on stop doing this it's more like i'm so sorry that you're crying i can see that you're sad tell me how you're feeling well then the child feels listen to you and that's really what they want i think that now a next policy is brilliant it really does

work children like knowing what's coming next it takes things out if there's anxiety there it takes it away and also coming in with a warning for everything like when they're going to bed saying and um we're going to pop to bed now we're going to have our story and then mommy's going to leave the door a little bit open then if something happens you go remember i said i did tell you i was going to leave the door open and then say i'll leave the door open because i feel safer if it's open my job is to keep you safe just these tiny explanations i think really help kids oh yeah and i would love to hear back from this emailer yeah and how this goes rather than us just kind of answering questions and then going off you go now good oh yeah because i i know there's it's not an easy fix and if this doesn't work we can think of something else because maybe

i'm not into behavioral charts but maybe this kid needs a behavioral chart he's old enough for one and maybe he needs to work towards a goal and then they can phase that out so if the now and next and the little warnings don't help maybe we need to help this mom set up some kind of behavioral chart to get their behavior back. Fantastic. OK, our next question comes from Dananda. I'm going to be doing a lot more accents, Dana. Dana bloody hates my down accents. We have a three year old.

I'm not going to do it. We have a three-year-old and our first time older parents in our mid-forties with no real support network in Australia. Very tough. This is a struggle, he says. So any advice is welcome. I'm particularly thrilled

that Tina has a Montessori background because that's one of the schools we're looking at here in Brisvegas, Brisbane and his daycare teacher thinks that the program would suit him. Anyway here we go. My question is we have an almost four-year-old who finds it hard to sit still, to hold hands, to walk with us, to just comply with simple things. We ask of him, tidy up your hot wheels, eat your dinner, don't make that horrific noise, like a screeching banshee. And he struggles to behave and participate in large group activities, a bit like myself, at his childcare. I mean, he listens to us, but he doesn't hear us a lot of the time, the emailer says.

Doctors tell us it's too early to diagnose anything like ADHD, but I obviously don't even care about that. We just love him no matter what we have we know he has a sweetheart but are there any methods or tips for just helping us parents and the kid to just cope and power through this phase of life thanks so much in advance jarentina looking forward to this wow well um these parents seem really open like they've really watching they've seen a lot and they're on it is what i'm trying to say you're right and this links kind of back into what we were just saying it sounds like this kid needs some kind of visual timetable too like they're saying that they don't feel heard but maybe that's just not how he can process what they're demanding of him right now which is pretty normal for this age and that's when um you know doing a little timetable the now and next

again up for him taking pictures of things you're expecting him to do like a picture of a school a picture of the park a picture of your house and making a very small a4 timetable with just the words now and next on it and in the morning you can say now we're at home next we're going to school now we're at school and ask them to do one at school too ask them are they using visual timetables because they should be and this child might need one just to calm him anxiety about what's expected of him at the moment and then you can you just phase these things out in time. But they really work. I find they really work, especially if they're questioning whether this child

might have something extra that might not even be there. But what is manifesting maybe is an anxiety in this child about not really knowing what's expected of him. And what we said we were going to talk about this week was a little bit about anxiety and all of these young people in this world that now is a bit topsy-turvy. You've had two years of, well, I don't know if dad's going to work

or if he's working from home. Yeah, it's been really tricky for these lovely children. The kids that you work with every day are the product of this and these kids at this particular age three a lot of our questions are coming from people with three-year-olds yeah do you think that that's that's part of this that a big part of this is just that routine has been hard to establish for them i don't know because i, they're used to whatever routine they've been exposed to. That's just their normal.

But I do like the sounds of these parents saying they're going to send this child to Montessori. And I like that their earlier teacher has noticed that, because if they're able to, it's an incredible method of teaching for children who maybe have their own, what's the expression, walk to the beat of their own drum a bit? March to the beat of their own drum. March to the beat of their own drum. Montessori is incredible because the directors in the classroom will just follow their interest. Each child is completely individual and they will do group stuff as well,

but he'll get an opportunity to really just relax and explore the way he wants to learn. So the chart's one thing, right? Yeah. I'll jump in there because he is looking for specific methods was the final line here. And I think it's a fair question that he's going to make all those things. The plan is to go down the story. But what are the things and the tips that you would give Tina to a parent who comes to you with a kid that sounds like he's just a super buoyant

youngster who like he said even has difficulty just going look just be with us now sit still hold her hand go go here what do you what are your tips there again the most important one is making sure that that child knows what's expected of them so as we're leaving the house i'm going to need you to hold my so as we're leaving the house i'm going to need you to hold my hand as we go down the street yeah that there are rules that i am here to keep you safe that's my job as your parent is i am here to keep you safe in order to keep you safe when we're out of the house you gotta hold my hand that's just a rule that's just what we gotta do like it's okay to have rules as a parent i I mean, some parents are so afraid to parent.

I'm not saying these people are, but it's perfectly okay for you to say to your child, I have to hold your hand. That is the only way I can keep you safe. Yeah. Kids really like feeling safe. So using those words will, you know, help them feel secure. Also, the now and next is just great for this age group. And if just, you know,

just letting them know what they're doing now, what's expected of them next. If you feel like a whole kind of day routine timetable is a good idea, that's easily done too. I remember when Mikey was really small and he was struggling to know what was expected of him in the morning. And Jarla took the time to draw a morning routine chart with like uh you know the sun coming up Mikey sitting up in the bed getting out brushing your teeth going to the toilet all these pictures folding your clothes folding your clothes putting on your uniform coming down for breakfast and he loved it he loved it and it really helped to settle him because he felt like he could just check in and then when I told the mums about it, Charlotte had to make like 20 more jars.

But you did and you were so kind, but they all couldn't believe how it took so much stress out of the morning. And with all these kind of visual timetables, they're not forever. Your child will always need them. What's funny is that like this now and next thing, it's obviously come up in both of our questions here,

is that we're all doing now and next thing it's obviously come come up in the both of our questions here yeah is that we're all doing now and next ourselves in our lives you're going where am i going what's this gig gonna be in my case yeah but like you're still doing it with mikey now yeah people always go on about how how does how is he the way he is when he goes into places? I will be in the car and I have seen you go, we're going here now. Yeah, well, you're going to meet these people. Yeah. We have to say hello.

Yeah. And I mean, that's as basic now and next as it gets, even at 11. Yeah, well, you have to model the behavior you want your child to have. So you can't just expect them to know how to behave in every social situation if you haven't told them how to behave so yeah since mikey was very very tiny whenever we're going anywhere i'll be like we are going to a party when you get to the party you say hello to everyone you make sure you say happy birthday to the person's party it is you enjoy the party but when we're going you say goodbye and you say thank you for having me mikey's like gets a round of applause from all the other parents.

And I'm like, well, it's not the funniest one to know is that we went to a party and Devon Toner was there and Devon Toner reached out to Mike, all six foot eleven of them reached out and said, how are you doing? I'm Devon Toner. I'm like he shook his hand and said, I'm Mikey Reek. Yeah, he said, nice to meet you. I'm Mikey Reek. It was very cute.

But like. He's only three then, wasn't he? It is mad that it's that simple. And obviously, it's not the end of the answer. No, and it's not simple. But it's just sometimes as parents we need to remember that our kids don't really know what we're thinking what we're going to do and that this is their first time going to a lot of these giving them just letting them in on the plan takes a lot of

anxiety away and that's a tricky one too because you have to be careful not to let them in on the plan too much but they're taking over take over the plan which we've struggled with too so sometimes i give mikey way too much power there's been like being a power struggle lots of times along the way where i'm like no actually you're not you're not in the same wave as me you know you are the child i'm the parent so it is a struggle for everyone i don't help with that now let's be totally honest but i am i just just love how awake to their child these parents are and they sound like they just love them so much. And I do think maybe just a little bit of a visual timetable that they should talk to his nursery about will help settle this child. OK, and maybe there is something else there.

We don't know. And if there there is that's okay every but the visual timetable will definitely help this child great stuff i think it's time for some parenting news this is basically part of the show where i pull a new story around the subject of parenting because boy there's a lot right there's so many articles you read about uh what about this parent doing this or this parent's doing it this way or a frustrated mom this one was in the mirror though Tina I'm going to put this to you I don't know if you saw this story mum explains why telling your kids to stop crying is unhelpful I don't think that this is a million miles away from our first two questions that's why I throw it in here mum has explained she never tells her kids to stop crying when

they're hurt as she thinks allowing them to let it out inverted commas can help them develop emotionally there's obviously a video and a tiktok thing here to go with this uh she explained that telling your children that it's very scary to see blood and validating their feelings about the injury is vital for healthy emotional development as it stops them from feeling as though they're an inconvenience to themselves and others. She said, we do our kids a disservice when we tell them they're expected to control their emotions. Bury it, bury it down there, bury it down nice and deep. Of course, they're upset, upset they fall their knee hurts and now

they see blood they can't control whether that hurts or whether there's blood or not that's scary to them what do you make of this dina first of all did you see this did you happen to see the video no you didn't i didn't but i um i agree with her to a point i do think it's really important to validate children's feelings definitely but i think that there is a danger of them maybe milking it i don't know i think if your child trips over it is absolutely perfectly fine to go up you pop now you're grand shake it off you're the king of that i have to say but i think that's important for the kid oh did you have a little bump tina's the team would always be like god that's we all fall over oh my god yeah he's fallen yeah that would be my reaction yes because the kid looks to you

so when they're tiny they're going well should i cry yeah i don't know how serious this incident is you tell me yeah but this lady is. You tell me. Yeah. But this lady is correct. If it's serious, my goodness, of course, they should be allowed to cry. And of course, you should feel sorry for them and allow them to feel the way they're feeling. But I do think that it is important, definitely, that if it's just a little bump or they walk into a chair, just be like, oops, keep going. You're all right yeah but some of this is tina related to this kind of paradox or quandary that people have around we're gonna tap on a little bag of rap

yeah he's not yeah it's just a scrape i mean there's probably a bit of a male stereotype here in that the dads want the kids to be tough. And why are you doting upon them? What do you say to that side of this? Because I'd imagine that there is conflict in families over you shouldn't give him a hug after that. He should be able to dust himself off. It's very tricky because most of us are going on our own experience when we were kids. So my mom would have always been very kind about us falling and, you know, gentle with,

you're all right, keep going. But also the hugs were there if we needed them. And it depends on what you experience as a kid. Now, obviously, I've trained for a long time and i know i'm feel comfortable knowing how to deal with each kid because each kid's so individual some children the last thing they want is sympathy from you so there's no rule here there's no general rule for how you some kids actually don't want to be told you poor baby yeah they're embarrassed some kids fall and they're so embarrassed the last thing they want is anything so you've got to give're embarrassed some kids fall and they're so embarrassed the last

thing they want is anything so you've got to give that kid some time and come back to them later and check on them and say you know i saw you fell earlier you were so brave but can i please check if you're okay because that's my job to keep you safe now what's funny with you saying the dad and the stereotypes is jarlet i'm not speaking out of turn here but Jarlett has this reputation at Mikey's school where the mums just laugh and laugh and laugh when he's around because we go to this gorgeous school where pre-covid

times you could hang around the yard for like an hour after school and that's how everyone got to know each other and Jarlett can't watch kids on the balance beams or the climbing, he's like trying to catch them all and they're just trying to have fun and explore. And he's there, you know, basically wrapping them all up and bubble wrapping.

Like not even his kids, doesn't even know the kids, but he's just trying to save them all. I'm rubbing my eyes here because I'm I can't I'm just I can't not see how this is going to work out badly and the slap i think the most terrifying sound in the world is the sound of kid head on concrete well you're right there but i mean we had such a horrific experience at mikey when he was born that i think we were so afraid of him getting hurt again that we both of us even me with all my experience with children and knowing you have to let them explore you have to let them climb we created a monster because mikey didn't look after didn't look after himself because we were always there to catch him or help him he was basically operating like somebody who has a wire out of their you know like when you're in that film you know baby's day out where the baby just luckily doesn't fall off the crate. Yeah, that was Mikey's life.

Oh my God. It was so stressful because we were always being so kind to him and helping him. He never taught to do it for himself. I mean, that took us a long time to, I think it's when he kept walking into the bins. Oh my God. And I brought him to the doctor. And the doctor in front of him on the road

we're wheelie bins I brought him to the doctor worried that maybe there was something wrong with his eyesight and she to his face said no he's just lazy what a diagnosis what you have there is a bad case of the lazy child

so while I don't I don't disagree with what this mom is saying, validating your children's feelings is very important. But as parents, we need to know our children. And as teachers, you need to know your children. Not every child wants the fuss. Not every child wants their feelings validated. And when they fall, I mean, it's different when they cross.

When they fall, sometimes they're mortified. They're embarrassed. They don't want their friends knowing they fell. They fell running. They tripped over, sometimes they're mortified. They're embarrassed. They don't want their friends knowing they fell. They fell running. They tripped over their own feet. You know, they're embarrassed. So some of them don't want it. Some of them do.

So you have to take them each as they come. Well, this is, that's the end of parenting news for this week. Received a brilliant question from a big fan of the show, whose name will remain undercover. Of course, that's the courtesy of this. Submit anything you want to us. We'll never reveal who said it. You offer the question in total confidence.

He says, I have a topic to suggest. It's something we've struggled with for years with our eldest, now 10 years old, confidence and self-worth within children. She's wonderful, very funny, very bright, very trusting and loving girl who always sees the best in everyone, despite years of bullying in primary school, which we had to tackle. She had good friends who love her, has good friends who

love her, and a far more active social life than I had when I was that age. Good results in school, does well in her other activities. However, she also has confidence in self-value issues. No matter how well she does in those activities and life in general, despite our best efforts to build up and emphasize the positives, she is shy about accepting compliments or even enjoying the moment of being the best at the thing. And it impacts her putting herself forward or even allowing herself to be in the spotlight for a moment this is partially a simple issue of modesty which you know Irish people actually do really prize yeah but unfortunately that's not the whole story I know because I was the same which is really

cool of this listener to volunteer that how this can this can actually have a lifelong impact into adulthood they say and in your relationships can cause kids teens adults to miss out on experiences he's anxious about what lies ahead for her opportunities due to confidence and self-worth and fears this has been a years-long struggle which i suspect will get worse over the teenage years because well teenage years were tough enough and when we were growing up but now this additional pressure of social media i can only imagine it'll be even tougher and less forgiving what What what a question to ask because it's such a big, big, wide ranging issue that doesn't just start in your teens.

That that goes right down to being a youngster. And he's also very personally linked to it because he thinks there she's reliving an experience. He feels she's reliving an experience he feels that she's reliving an experience he had too and maybe she is the confidence one is really hard it really is and you know often it is the confident child who actually needs a lot of help at home because they're you know they're so confident at school because they are making up for a lack of something else. I find the confidence one really tricky myself. I see it all the time in kids. It's so hard to know how to help them with it. I feel like it

comes in waves like they have moments where they are at home with themselves. And then because they're ever changing and growing and learning and becoming, then they have waves of not liking where they are in life at all and what's happening to them. And it's so tricky. The only thing I can really think of to help this girl, because she obviously has great parents who are so on top of it and watching and mindful is you know i really feel like this is when having a journal is important a personal journal that she can write all her feelings in that's a really safe place for her

starting the habit of journal keeping is very tricky to start because if it's not something she's been doing but she needs some place where she can let these feelings out come back to them and feel like she's grown since the last time she wrote them or she's facing them again and it's not so bad could the bullying from primary school be you know just having kind of this kind of reverberating impact through this later part? I bet, no doubt. I mean, children can be awful to each other. And I don't know how that was reconciled there.

And I'm hoping it sounds like they were pretty on top of it. But of course, it will damage a child's confidence because for whatever reason, those children took a dislike to her. It's horrible. And for no reason. Yeah. You know, no reasons. Just kids can be just so mean to each other. Or the fact that she was good at stuff.

Yeah. Jealousy. Is there jealousy involved? Is there jealousy involved? But, you know, what is incredible for this age group that that dad wouldn't have had is that there are so many resources now available to these children there are so many um classes they can go to where they talk about mindfulness and their feelings and who they are as a person i mean we availed of that during lockdown and mikey god i feel bad talking about

mikey but we did have moments where he was finding lockdown really hard and it'd nearly be weird if your kid wasn't yeah having some sort of confidence issues after an uncertain period like this jigsaw.ie is where i always recommend people go because i just have my mind blown yeah when i got introduced to them when i saw the resources when i saw the workshops they're doing and how elegant it is how the phone line is there that your daughter could potentially ring them yeah to talk at any time yeah and now that things are open again you can go to things and meet other children who are similar struggles and that's really important knowing you're not the only one thinking these things it is really important being able to talk about it not with

your parents who you just don't think understand anything at that point like she's very lucky because her parents are understanding and they're very awake to her needs but they have to be very careful not to make too much of it either because she is growing it is a tough balance it is like the ocean it's coming in waves and it's flowing away too and they just have to be careful not to you know put some things in place i think the journal is a really good practice for every child to do somewhere they can write down how they're feeling what they're feeling how they feel about themselves and not feel judged it's just for them getting part of a mindful group like here we have the happy human it's amazing different children go to it lovely mindful feeling exercises definitely and also it builds confidence immediately when the child knows oh i'm not the

only one who feels like this most of the time it's oh god i'm so strange why do i think like this why am i thinking these things you know yeah the doubts then spiral yeah i mean my uneducated perspective on this in terms of not having any background in it but having quite a big background in confidence issues despite what people might think i was uh i definitely didn't have a reputation as a youngster as having a confidence or shyness issue but i did yeah but i really really did and to be honest you know better than anyone, Tina. I still struggle with self-belief, validity that I don't think there's a fix.

No. As someone who's lived through that, I would regard you as more confident than me. Well, do you know what? Just like this, Daddy, because I love you so much. I can't understand where your lack of confidence comes from because I just see the amazing Charlotte. It really makes sense. But this daddy, likewise, is seeing this beautiful girl who's just amazing at all

these things and so many talents and he can't understand why she wouldn't believe in herself more and that can be a bit of pressure on the little girl, too. Yeah, just like with me. Yeah, with me, with me with you where i'm like i can't understand it yeah yeah and this is why i'm saying to this emailer that you're not going to fix it no but you're not going to go and we're done no the confidence thing like I always felt that my confidence in terms of the work I do and the things I've done is earned. Yeah. And that I didn't feel, I always felt that there was more out there, the people better than me. And that, oh, sure, just that's crap. Sure.

Isn't there a better version of that out there? And mine is just whatever. And I think that if I could go back, Marty McFly style and grab me by the shoulders, I think that showing your youngster examples of people who have gone on to do youngster examples of people who have gone on to do things yeah and how the small beginnings that they come from and the exact same doubts that you're having without addressing it in the way of and therefore you should be confident no yeah stop trying to go and be confident have you ever used to just tell me that just be confident i'm like oh oh then it's like saying to you for your leaving search you'll be grand yeah you can't just be confident but we're

not we're not saying that we can fix anything really all we're hoping to do is offer another idea another way of maybe coming at it yeah and i do think that the journal and seeking out some local resources resources like you know in ireland they have that incredible jigsaw there has to be something similar in your neighborhood well enda mcnulty has obviously been on this show a couple of times right and you know my struggle with confidence is ongoing to the point of before i go on stage looking at my jokes and going this is utter shit like what what are you thinking i don't think people would believe how little you yeah oh completely and it makes me sad but it's also loads of comics as well though like joe wilkinson said it to me i said it to him

before going on stage do you ever look at your jokes just before you go on and go oh fuck this is all awful he said every single time and enda gave me this cheat which works for me on this specific thing i'm not suggesting it for your daughter but perhaps there's something in there uh confidence cv okay it's a little note in your phone of the things you're proud of okay and when you're feeling at your lowest least confident all these examples are there i pull it up before i go to do something that i'm anxious about bang bang bang go down through them yeah whatever those are is your list really short real talk she just snapped all her fingers i'm joking

this is my life she wonders why i'm not confident like oh my god yes yes it's written on a postage stamp tina but it does it has a thumbnail it's literally a tweet we have to have at least one poo question a week at this point because i mean it's such a huge issue it is a huge issue it is it is a big one this emailer says hi jarentina i have a two and a four-year-old and can think of a million questions but my top question at the moment is how to toilet train a two almost three-year-old who couldn't care less about the toilet i love that couldn't just is aware of it but couldn't give no yeah says but will try to take off his own nappy

when he poos so i don't understand so basically when this kid has a poo he doesn't want he wants to keep his nappy clean yeah so where is he doing the poo well he's doing the poo and it's nappy but he's taking it off oh right so he then so i think that's really positive because he already doesn't like the sensation of having poo against his bottom. Right. So she says it was so easy for his brother. Yeah. And it's tough for this mom. That's tough because she's got two young children. That's a busy house. Yeah, but I know I get I get nervous when I'm about to say it because moms do not

like hearing this, but the problem is the nappy. The problem is the nappy the problem is the nappy right well here's the thing tina's always reluctant i need to let you guys in on this tina's always reluctant to say what's her real talk i'm not reluctant i just know moms don't want to hear but here's the thing i need to say that tina will never say is this works like this this is not a question of tina's taking a swing no you know for a fact this works as we said in episode one your job was to go to houses the toilet trainer you were like i was the yeah and that was with severe and profound children so a lot harder obviously and you had to be a lot stricter about timers and using the toilet but definitely with old children as a general rule if they know there's nappies in the house they're not going to

try because why would they i wouldn't try if i was a kid and i knew there was nappies there so you're saying this lady like our lady in episode one yeah needs to throw the nappies out with the kid let go it's time we're throwing out your nappies well yeah you can you could be really you can be really sweet and cute about it you can buy really nice new pants yeah and be like these are your pants now and show them the nappies you used to wear nappies now you wear pants the wee has to go in the toilet now so does the poo the pants won't protect you from that the nappies are gone now there's gonna be a few accidents so there's gonna there's also potential to go right back to our first question i could produce a tantrum like something that would get

reported in the newspaper what do you do if all hell breaks loose and was like i'll take out my nappies from me. Well, all hell won't break loose because if you say it in the right tone, children will just follow your lead. And what is that tone? You're a big guy now. Well, you say it's a very exciting day. I went to the shop and look what I got you. This is how you get me to do things.

It's a very exciting day. You're getting to clean the windows you do have to turn on the you know the children's hosts within you when you're with children you gotta yeah you gotta animate it and be like this is so exciting can you believe it i trust you you're finally there i've got you these great pants we don't need the nappies anymore the nappies are gone let's do this don't explain it any further they'll follow your lead but is that a tough change of gear if up to then your dialogue has been but if your dialogue up to this point has been you've done it again you're after you're you're you know well then it actually will work better because the kids gonna be like whoa what's

having a mom this is pretty cool i'm on board but um also it's tough for the mommy definitely and i know it's always toughest for the mommy the reason the nappies are going to be in your house if your kid is older is because you don't really have the time the kid is going to wet themselves they're going to have accidents but they won't have them for as long they will realize oh crap i really have to stop wetting my pants and pooing in my pants because the nappies are not coming back i gotta get my shit together literally literally but they do kids are amazing this is like a hidden problem this is the other thing that needs to be said or an earlier setting, get them involved.

Ask for their help. You're paying them so much money. Yeah. Get the help from them. Their job, that's their job. They're there to help you. Let them make it part of the lesson. Yeah.

You know, half your salary is going to these earlier settings. Get them to help you. Yeah. Doesn't it seem crazy that that even has to be said? But it's because, Tina, let's face it, there's so much, and we touched on this in episode one, shame, anxiety around being a parent and thinking I'm doing it wrong. And that other kids in the class are ahead of this,

that, you know, it'll be embarrassing if the other kids... My heart goes out to moms and dads because it is really hard and you're so tired all the time too. But the other moms and dads are asking for help and they're getting it there's no reason not to ask for help if you have an early use service at your disposal get them involved with helping you to achieve whatever you want because that's their job that's my job i'm an early use teacher over here every day i have a parent come to me with something. It's my job to help them, to help them set up whatever they need to set up and give them whatever advice they need.

We're happy to do it. Get them involved. And if they're not happy to do it, go somewhere else. Take your child out. Let's talk about tiny bit before we leave this question about pushback. Right. Because, you know, you do make it sound straightforward but i like and i know that parents are going to know when they reflect yeah that is on me and that i probably am super busy

and i worry about how long this is going to take yeah how many and they're scared sets of clothes i have to bring with me if we go anywhere exactly like we all remember us applying for our national insurance number i mean this is one of the well that is different now i've never told this story that is how strict i am when it comes to toileting dina was you tell me we had just moved here and we had applied for what are they those weird numbers they make you do an interview i'm not sure what we did but we had to do an interview it happened at the time we would have way more trouble yeah but we had to drive to a place so in an industrial and as it happens two days previous i had decided i better toy train mikey was about to turn two soon and i was terrified that i'd left it too long completely forgetting that we had this appointment no not forgetting that appointment

came true on the the day i had started so in my head i know well i've thrown out the nappies i cannot bring them back i can't do that because i i've seen how this happens so i bring the potty and i bring a lot of change of clothes to the interview with us and i'm wearing an aaron cardigan that i love that my mommy had given me and i'm sitting being interviewed I don't know asked all these millions of questions about why do I want to live in England and I'm holding Mikey on my knee and I say to the lady I'm toilet training my child he needs to go to the toilet and she said no he can't and I said I brought the potty I can put him on the potty no he can't

and I was like okay two minutes later I said to the Nope, he can't. And I was like, okay. Two minutes later, I said to the lady, she's just staring at me. I was like, I'm covered in poo, am I? She's like, yep. And when I looked down, like completely poo everywhere. Like he's had the massive runniest poo. And we all know that the poo doesn't stay low.

No. The poo seems to climb the walls like, like... It had gone up like it was everywhere. I don't even know how he pooed. Maybe he was nervous about all the questions he was being asked. But who doesn't let you use them? I don't know. Like that woman in that moment, I was like...

We had to throw the cardigan away. We had to take a... We had to set the car on fire. But we did get our numbers faster than normal. She's like, okay, you're proven you really want but that is how strict i am even though i knew it would have been the easy thing to do would have been just to throw a nappy back on mikey and be like okay but i couldn't because i knew i knew from all i had seen that if i did that toileting him was going to be so hard that he'd always think, well, she'll just put the nappy back on. We obviously said that we're going to talk about anxiety and the pandemic

and the impact that's having on kids. I think we're going to give people another week to submit their questions and we're going to cover that a lot more in the next episode because in so many ways it's so multifaceted and we also want to bring in jen trecek who used to work for jigsaw.ie who's an incredible person who's actually appeared on irish man abroad podcast before uh for our world mental health day episode which featured blind boy and uh marion keys and loads of others you can go back and listen to that jen is brilliant and we want to get an insight into

what she is seeing yes because my my background is in early years and i just i don't want to give the wrong advice when it's such a different phase of development for children 100 so if you have submitted a question on that topic that is where we're going to try and address it with jen tragic in episode three but before we go we need to do my favorite part of the show where you get to say to me tina something you wish i wouldn't do this is all cards on the table tina's tina's going through her mind now which one do i pick i don't know i don't know if that's true last week i asked you to not you know to pick your battles was yeah was my argument you asked me to not yes and every idea that he has because at the moment

he's in the middle of constructing what i believe will be the biggest selling board game of all time yeah and our kitchen is, our sitting room that we're in right now is covered in tiny little clay molds that Charlotte encouraged him to make yesterday. But again, to me, my defence was to fruition. He's got to follow, if he's going to do the idea, he's got to complete it.

There's hundreds of them, Charlotte. But I just, Jesus, there's no end to it. I mean, it did kill me last week when he then said, I'm thinking about our next project, Daddy. I was like, oh my God, what? Well, you have to be so careful because we realise that Mikey sees me as the fun burglar, but you are held in this kind of idle position where I think you really have to be careful what you say to him

because those are forming his opinions even when you're just joking most of my opinions are correct but you can say something like we're very into silly in this house and absurd silliness and you can say something that I know you're completely joking but he'll just think sound that's what daddy thinks that's my opinion and I'll be like no Maggie just think sound. That's what he thinks. That's my opinion. And I'll be like, no, Maggie, that's a joke. He's joking. He's completely joking. What are you talking about? I can't even think of what most of the shit that comes out of your mouth.

Right. Well, OK, I think you got me. I will. I have taken it on board. I definitely I don't think when I'm saying shite like that, watching football matches. And I think that and this is what Tina was always the king of this. Tina would always go, we need to think about this is how Tina gets me to do stuff. She goes, I think we need to look at how much time we're spending. I do think that we need to look at how much time we're spending uh i do think that we need to look at how much time we're

spending on our phones and i think that there needs to be a portion of the day specifically when we are sitting down as a family when they are put this is a little bit unfair because i'm definitely doing it as a family we i'm then when mikey goes to bed catching up on a lot of things and that's when it's annoying you. So I don't think I'm doing it so much. You're in my. Hon, you got to take this on the chin. I wouldn't say it if I didn't think I will take it on the chin, but I'm already trying.

Oh, my God. I am already trying. So and when he goes to bed, that's my heart is beating. And you're like, you know, if you don't watch movie and I'm like, this is my first time i'm getting to catch up no no no i'm talking i'm so popular everybody won't be my friend i'm joking i don't really think that i don't think that there's a person listening to this who yeah i agree i don't like being on my phone so much okay i agree i am i love my phone i love it uh tina i appreciate you

taking the time to do this well i just love all the people who are getting in touch and that feel safe to get in touch and are you know i hope that they by getting in touch and us reading out the questions that they know they're not on their own at all at all and that we're just all in this together we're just all trying our best yeah and some of the time uh you're so not on their own at all at all and that we're just all in this together we're just all trying our best yeah and some of the time uh you're so not on your own that we won't get to your question you'll have to read a question that's just like your question a lot of the questions are very similar they're doubling up maybe it's worth saying that because everyone has similar struggles so absolutely i hope we helped a little bit. Episode two of Honey,

You're Ruining Our Kid is in the can. Thank you so much to Sam and Mikey. Of course, if you make this show possible, I mean, it wouldn't really be weird me having a parenting show if I didn't have a wife and child. But thank you all for listening

and we'll be back next week with more. Thank you so much. Bye. Raising your kids not to be gobshites is not easy. Email your parenting questions, situations, stories, or problems to honeyyouareruiningourkid at gmail.com. Anonymity is guaranteed.