Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - EP4 Weaning Kids Off Pull-ups, Over-Reacting, Kicking In Doors & Kanye West.

Episode Date: September 25, 2022

What do you do if you kid over-reacts to every tiny bump they receive? What do you do if your child's anger overflows into violence? Can a child be weaned off pull-up nappies or is cold turkey the only option? Tina answers three very different questions from three very different parenting situations. And Jarlath presents "Parenting News" featuring Kanye West and the new concept of "Jelly Fish Parenting" Submit your questions for Tina anonymously to [e-mail]. With 20 years of experience in early learning, severe behaviour and language difficulties, Tina has seen more than her fair share of tricky situations. If she doesn’t have the guidance you need, she will find it. We are not alone in raising these eejits. It’s never too late to stop them from becoming gobshites. Our charity partner is jigsawonline.ie. In these tricky times, Jigsaw provides a range of resources, advice and care for your people to help them strengthen their mental health and the skills needed to navigate life. Please visit their website and consider making a donation. For updates on future episodes and live shows follow @jarlath on Twitter, visit www.jigser.comor email the show directly or follow us on Instagram. Disclaimer: All materials contained within this podcast are copyright protected. Third party reuse and/or quotation in whole or in part is prohibited unless direct credit and/or hyperlink to the Irishman Abroad podcast is clearly and accurately provided.

Hello and welcome to another episode of Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, the parenting podcast from the Irish Man Abroad Podcast Network and Go Loud. I am here. My name is Jarla Thregan. My wife is opposite me. Hello there. Tina is, of course, a resident child and parenting expert with 20 years of experience in this business tina it's been a mad couple of weeks since launching this yeah i can't get over the response yeah it's been amazing and you're totally new to this i get it yeah you're in tv3 i know it's not called tv3 but we're on the telly this week yeah and it's a lot of me kicking and screaming to these um live interviews but mirren and tomm Tommy were just the best.

They were so lovely to us and funny and just, they're amazing. I was really impressed. And honestly, it was great to just articulate what it is we're doing because it's hard to put that across. But what I would say to you, if you're listening to this now and you've loved the first three episodes,

we do not have a marketing budget. We need you to spread the word. If you're at the gate or if you're in a whatsapp group just ping it on that's the only way that people are going to hear about this and as you know word of mouth and recommendation is worth way more than any instagram post and i agree with you jar but more than that i want people to know that you know even if you're not going to listen to the podcast but you need a bit of help just get in touch because there's a lot of very stressed out parents out there and we've all seen the news this week and i thought if we can help you

with anything that's going on to your in your house that's fine yeah and just mark your email not for broadcast not for broadcast easily help i'm happy to do that honestly the email is honeyyouareruiningourkid at gmail.com. We got one thing in that wasn't in an email, but easily the funniest and best thing and completely in the spirit of the show. Yeah, it really made me laugh. My cousin, Sarah Acton, she posted a little bit of child homework first weeks back. Yeah, her little boy Jamie, I think he's six yeah shout out to jamie yeah legend clearly an amazing child doing his matt's homework tina you explain what he did just

gorgeous so um his mom lovely sarah took a picture of his matt's homework and he's done really really well he's answered all these really tricky questions for a six-year-old well and then the next question on the page is name this shape it's a picture of a shape yeah it's a picture of a shape and he writes down bob i loved it they're looking for a triangle jamie but bob is fantastic i love it i mean it also says like what does he must have been sitting there going this homework you're asking me to name shapes now jerry let you bring up homework and like i never taught too much about homework like mikey didn't get homework in england and i took that for granted because i was just like now that i see how much time it takes up of their day

no wonder the homework's not great for most kids they're too tired like that little guy hilarious what he did but he's so tired at the end of the day that of course he's not thinking straight I'm so anti-homework now after seeing it I don't know if he wasn't thinking straight or if he

there is a part of me that thinks did he think this is a bit of crack and that is one of the things that brought us home well that little boy is very funny

he's a very funny lad if you have seen some homework if you've been asked to correct some homework where you've thought this is so good homework that's so good you take a photo of it and send it to your family whatsapp group ping it into us i think we're gonna have to have a prize for the best one of these or even if we read one out we'll send you a gift of some sort from honey you're reading do you remember when mike was in reception and he used to have to draw the picture to go with his news and every single picture he'd draw a glass

of wine in my hand i'd be like seriously mikey stop doing that and then at a certain point he knew oh he knew straight away but he was loving that it was winding me up so much i was like stop doing that i don't drink wine all the time. Not all the time. Not all the time. You are drinking wine right now as we record this. Okay, here we go. Hi, Tina and Jareth. I've just caught up on Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid,

and I loved it. I love reading that part. It's the, hey Pat, love the show, part of the email. Thank you both so much for all the work you're putting in i have a question my four-year-old son almost five completely overreacts to pain and i am at a loss as to how to respond to him completely overreacts to pain specifically this is interesting he needs so much consoling for the most trivial of injuries. For example, just yesterday we were at under sixes football training, which is automatically cute. I am one of the coaches. My four-year-old came

over to me midway through the session, sobbing and saying his ankle was sore. I got down to his level, gave him a big hug, told him that must really hurt. I had a check of the ankle and could find absolutely nothing wrong i'm a chartered physiotherapist by profession which must be tough for your kids because when you say it's nothing wrong it's really nothing wrong i suggested that we take a break get a drink at this point he was clinging to me, telling me he couldn't walk. This is funny to me, but I guess it's not funny for you if you're living through this every single time there's a nip or a niggle. I lifted him up. Then he told me his pain was on the other ankle now and was moving up to his eye.

I tried to distract him by telling him a joke. Then we tried to do dragon breaths to help him calm down, but it was no use. He would not rejoin the session. In the end, and feeling fairly mortified, I carried him back to the car and we went home. By the time we got back to the house, a journey of approximately three minutes, he hopped out of his car seat, skipped into the house. No further mention of the ankle. Is this a mom or dad who sent this in uh let me see it is a mom he you take it from there tina because he this mom is saying he reacts to the this isn't just an ankle twist or whatever it's the tiniest cuts, bumps. And School of Mentioned Disciples too?

And what? School of Mentioned Disciples too, is that right? Yes, this is it. He has started primary school and his preschool teacher had remarked that he needs a lot of comforting when he hurts himself. He has a younger brother who is three, who is so hardy by comparison.

Where am I going wrong? Okay. Are there any strategies you could recommend? That is a tricky one because this mom sounds amazing. Like she's doing everything you would tell someone to do. She's getting down to his level. She's, you know, naming his emotions. She's recognizing he feels like he's hurt himself, he's in pain. And she's checking it out and she actually knows what she's doing.

So that must be super frustrating. But I think the only thing that kind of caught me there was she does give in and go home he does get out of it and that's really tough because she obviously is embarrassed because she is a professional in her job she's also got the role of being one of the coaches there and her own kid is not taking her word for, you know, he's not listening to what she's told him. I feel like I would encourage her to keep doing everything she's already doing because it's amazing, really good momming.

But then just to say to him, well, I've reassured you now that nothing's wrong. I'm sorry that you still feel sad. We have two choices. You can go back and join the game or you can sit here and wait till it's over yeah which will be going home should not be an option also little brother being so hardy and tough probably means that he is maybe doing it for the attention he gets his mom gets down to his level she's so doting and lovely so there's that to take on

board too and also she could really do with finding moments because we need to build him up don't we we need to get him a bit feeling like he's a tougher guy you know and i know that my contributions are often not rooted in training like yours are mine are uh more about what i remember of being a kid and what i've seen of you know mikey and his friends and i think this kid has you a bit figured out i think that he's playing you like a fiddle. Oh, yeah. Because doing it in the big public setting like that, he knew that he could embarrass you in some way. Yeah. And then this poor mom was embarrassed to the point of, will I look like a bad parent if I don't take him home when he's acting like he's been shot in the back. That's a hard place to feel. That's a hard thing to cope with at the time.

But the mom nearly needs to practice the dragon breaths in those moments and say, look, I've told him now he can go back and join or he can just wait with me. And who cares what anyone else is thinking about that? I know in myself, I'm a really good mom. I know I've got down to his level. I've reassured him. i've checked him out but that kid i think she needs to find moments and she needs to maybe mention to this to his teachers as well moments in the day where he's just being himself and going hey buddy i'm noticing you're getting you're getting so brave

yeah i noticed more attention for not doing this yeah kind of build him up um kind of plant ideas in his head that he is getting braver you're getting tougher i noticed today that you look stronger you must be getting good sleep i saw you bump into something earlier you didn't even notice well done you you're you're getting tough and it's not that he can't cry if he hurts himself it's just trying to level it out that you, saying you've hurt yourself is not going to get you out of an activity anymore. Yeah. And this mom, obviously an incredible mom. The path isn't smooth.

This is the thing. And I love that the advice you give isn't. And that's that. Because this probably isn't going to be smooth. I remember one particular nephew who used to show you his hand for years he'd go i cut my hand i cut my hand and maybe like yeah three years ago and then he wouldn't know which one to show you but like there's probably going to be a time a period i'd imagine where she goes hey i noticed you uh bumped yourself walking out the door there and he'll probably try and hurt himself.

And he'll burst into tears like, I did. But she has to try and ignore all that. This mom knows what she's doing. She knows if her child is hurt. She's professional. That's her job. So she needs to have that confidence in herself. He'll be confident then too.

My mom knows what she's talking about. She can even say things like that to him. She can say, look, I've checked you now now it's my job to know if there's something wrong with somebody there's nothing wrong with you you can join the game or you can sit here but we're not going home bigger picture other parents that might be going through something similar i mean this doesn't limit itself to four-year-olds no let's be honest there can be a sense among siblings that one is getting more attention than the other and they'll resort to stuff to try and get what attention they can i'm not fully sure it's always intentionally it's just kind of something that

happens i don't think that they're i don't think this kid has figured out, oh, when I cry, I get all the attention. I think it's just happened. Yeah. And he makes it happen again, but he's not really fully conscious of why. It's kind of very unconscious. What we're really trying to avoid here is this resulting in your child becoming a stand-up comedian. Well, Gerard, when you think of yourself as a kid you were crazy child like jared used to be teaching his parents lessons all the time i don't know if we've mentioned that before i've told this story about when you were four and your mom used to be

late to collect you so you decided to teach her a lesson and started walking on you lived five miles from the school five miles from the school out in the countryside he just wanted to give his mom a fright when she saw him on the road so she'd know to come earlier the next day vividly remember did it work no she is still a ride late to pick me up but i just knew not to walk home so let's go to a little bit of parenting news. OK. Say goodbye to the tiger mom and welcome to the school of jellyfish parenting. This was a piece that appeared in The Guardian this week.

You may have seen it where they're talking about identifying your child's passions and the investment in that. Now, this is about, you explain this better than I do, Tina, but it's really interesting. Well, it is something I've been thinking about a lot. It's on the news a lot at the moment, how parents and children are struggling to keep up with all these extracurricular activities. And people are questioning whether the kids want to do these activities or is it just to suit the parents' busy life to get them into something else after school, get them into something before school. You know, some kids are having three or four activities a night. you know some kids are having three or four activities a night and it's a tricky one because that's the tiger mom right and the jellyfish mom is the one who's kind of trying to be really you

know flexible with what our kids interests are do they want to go that evening if they don't want to go i'm not going to push them and it's a really tough one because i'm kind of in the middle on boat i think if you don't encourage your child to do activities they'll never do them yeah you know they're not going to book themselves into a karate class no i don't if you don't follow or spark their interests they might not organically have them now that's not saying that for every child some children will they'll be like i've seen this thing i want to do it can i do it But other kids, you need that little bit of encouragement. I do think having more than one activity a day after school, that's so much on a kid.

But some of it is just, like you say, some of it is essential that some parents just don't. They don't have the chance. Yeah, but they do. They do need to then think of something else because those kids are spent i think that if some parents got to see how active a school day is and how much stress and worries and work those kids have during the day they would know yeah one club after school that's fun something else completely different but rushing around to like three or four clubs that's very tough now maybe you have a child with loads energy who's able for it but most kids aren't able for that and like we even have a tuesday where there's french and then basketball and that's a lot i think. I mean, this article goes into how expensive, for starters.

Oh, yeah. I mean, so expensive. It's just an industry. Look, we had that in England. If your child wanted to have music or anything, it had to be extra. And it seems like it's the same place there. Music is extra. Whereas we're back in Ireland now.

And all of a sudden, like, it is amazing. I know Irish teachers are are just incredibly giving because music mikey's now learning instruments while at school like unbelievable and two mornings a week two teachers in that school give up their free time unpaid to do athletics and football that's unbelievable like so it's up to us if we want to chop them it is also a lot shorter for irish teachers let's be honest we know that there's so much paperwork involved in being a teacher in britain yeah there's probably and i have no idea why there's so much paperwork but there is where they're forced to stay

afterwards where they feel like then the goodwill goes out the window. Irish teachers also have a lot of work too, but I think that extra month of holidays, they take two weeks to get a lot of their planning done. But look, the cost of living crisis has to come up here into this too, because the reality is a lot of these activities are going to bite the dust soon

when people start to realise how little extra cash there is so all of this stuff is coming home to roost the question that i took from this piece and how this is in parenting news is like what what are we asking our kids to do with all of these activities sometimes it's like does he even want to do it well that's dragging his heels going out the door that's a tough one because if your kid doesn't want to go there's no point sending them like if they're really hating it they're not going to enjoy it you want them to enjoy their ex the parent that has a kid who just doesn't want to do anything yeah that can happen too it's a tricky one right like i i'm just trying to reflect because i was very busy as a kid. I was in a trad band, Irish dancing classes every single day and all weekend.

Camogie, football and basketball, I think. And I was happy to do all of those things. But then I lived in a town and I was able to get myself to everything. And the school I went to, again, incredible school, St. Paul's, where the teachers seem to organize everything. Lifts, getting you there, everything. The trad band, Miss Fahey, amazing lady in St. Paul's, did that all of her own free time. Brought us to the flas. I mean, maybe teachers aren't as involved with the children anymore.

Maybe leaving it up to parents is what's causing all the stress. Like it is really hard to get your kid to everything. Whereas i don't remember my mom and dad having to bring me to many of those things except the irish dancing the other thing is that i what i'm noticing is how serious some of these things are taking this is because gerald had to go to mikey's ga match yesterday and they played it like it was the all ireland final yeah i loved it i loved the passion yeah i did i really loved it i thought it was fantastic how in it they were but what i know is that your passion is a limited resource yeah and if you're really pushing it on all these fronts you get spent that like how much passion do you have left for learning if you're got a karate tournament

on monday evening basketball tournament tuesday evening yeah and you're expected to do your piano practice i mean this is what this comes back to the homework thing though if i'm noticing one thing between where we've lived and where we live now the homework saps the energy out of the kids like i know loads of clubs or whatever but they have the homework is stealing their passion for everything like they've let them leave their work at school i really anti-homework now just going on record i'm not into homework anymore because i've seen what age group what are you talking about well i just think why do they need it in primary school yeah and secondary, and secondary school, kind of. They get loads of free classes in secondary school.

Why can't they do their work then? Yeah. We're not anti-studying. Look, I do remember finishing my homework and it was dark. Yeah. And just feeling a bit like, well, I have described this a bunch of times to you, that I had a what's the point vibe to my school days. That I was just like,

they're just going to give you more homework. Yeah. Well, like I really didn't take it in England when Mikey was getting no homework. But now I'm seeing it and I'm like, he hasn't complained once, but I'm like, ah, this is a bit mad. It's five o'clock now, his day's over.

You know? Yeah. I think it's a bit mad. Anyway. Why not send us a message if you can relate to this? Honey, you are ruining our kid at gmail.com because i feel like this is even a bigger topic than parenting news is that stress and anxiety that comes with attempting to do all of that has to be something that we talk about yeah and if somebody's come up with a solution that helps or works or

kind of figures out a way through this or what guide you use for it this is largely new territory for us too especially as we've moved country one one get to these activities how the hell do people do oh lord and most of the parents in mikey school have four or five children i think we need to get kanye involved here so the big news with kanye this week is this clip that has been doing the rounds he did an interview where he spoke about having to fight for his voice as a parent do you feel you have a voice as your co-parenting now i do have a voice but i had to fight for it that hurts you when you when you have to like scream about what your kids are wearing

and it's those little nuances where there was a parallel to what was what was happening at gap what was happening at adidas and what was happening in my home it was all a kind of a disregard for the voice of something that i co-created i co-created the children kanye wasn't getting an agreement on what the kids would wear but what was he trying to put them in there i've seen some of his clothes i'm sorry but you know what i know that it's we're not having a celebrity chat here but it's more about how that like that that's the issue in their house and sure yeah maybe he did want them wearing his clothes who knows but we know that sometimes a parent can feel like they don't have a say in

any of it and when you say we have to you don't have a say he'll always go to is this are you trying to say this to me are you trying to say this to me no i'm really not um but like this is uh it's just one that i'm interested to raise and see if we get much back on this because more and more uh with the busy lives that are out there it can agreement is hard to find in this modern world in discourse in any kind of dialogue it can feel a bit like well that's what i think that's what you think and never the two shall and what i've seen from teaching and dealing with parents coming into me more often than not it's not that they're not even agreeing with each disagreeing with each other they're so tired

they don't have time to talk even though they've even though they've made a plan the plan has gone out the window because they're like oh god i'm too tired tonight yeah just you know whatever yeah and that is the kids counting on that like how many times my memory is not great so if i've made a plan i've had to start putting it in my phone now so i remember because I noticed and Mikey used to say oh yeah okay sure mum cool cool yeah okay yeah we'll get to do that tomorrow

and I might forget and so I've had to put little reminders so kids are just so clever they see the cracks and they just want an easy life they're not going to remind you oh I thought you said I couldn't go on screens this weekend

they're going to see if it floats that's it for parenting news this you said I couldn't go on screens this weekend. They're going to see if it floats. That's it for parenting news this week. And I didn't do one accent. Thank you, Jarla. Hi there. I am watching you on the six o'clock show and I'm like, OMG, I need this right now. I have a five-year-old daughter, nearly six in senior infants. It's like she's five going on 15. I'm a single mom with her dad and there are no rules with him. Some days the behavior is so bad that I'm sitting in my room bawling, crying. She can be the best in the world, but all of a sudden it's like a demon erupts, for example. I come home from school last week and she kicked in the door and nearly broke my thumb.

All because I wouldn't give her sweets. Sometimes just doesn't listen to me at all. Won't do as she's told and always pusses, which I think is my favourite parenting verb of all time. We all know what pussing looks like when I ask her to do anything. Or, if I won't, give her sweets, small lies, etc. I've started doing a behaviour board now with sad and happy faces.

Last three days has been good, but any advice you can give me, I would love. Wow, this poor mum. She kicked in the door. She broke her tongue. God. That's really tough because you must just feel so, no wonder she's crying.

You feel like you've got no power. There's no respect there. You know, that is out of control behavior. And obviously not uncommon. That's the first thing to say to this mom. Of course. It's like we get an awful lot of these and this is happening so much and it's also the courage that she's shown to send this in

absolutely so many people it's happening they're not telling me do you wonder i wonder is it only happening at home or is it happening at school too that would be really interesting to know because i've seen kids like that behave at school who are doing it at home and then kids who do it at school who don't do it at home. But because it's in the house, definitely. Well, firstly, I would cry too. This poor mom I empathize with her. She just needs help with laying down some rules at home so that little girl knows what is expected of her. What's acceptable, what's not acceptable behavior.

But that, Tina, sounds like that's the principal problem is then not listening when she goes these are the rules yeah but are you saying you sit down and have a like a little mini conference so she needs to involve her in it there needs to be a really nice kind of cozy meeting between them where mom has a really nice piece of paper or something some nice colorful pens make it a kind of activity and really make it feel special and explain to the little girl that i really want to make this a happy home so we're going to come up with some nice rules that help us have this happy house together yeah and you're five now and i've noticed that you're you know you can understand rules you're and you you could maybe pretend the teacher has

said you're really good at behaving in school and we're going to come up with some rules now and definitely the mom has to take charge in this she needs to be the one writing it and putting pen to paper the little girl should not touch that page no drawings or anything because these are to be respected. These are the law. And the law. And then maybe three is enough. Mom picks two, little girl picks one. And maybe, unless it's outrageous, just go along with the rules she picks. Okay, right. So the rules would be things like we only use our feet to kick footballs. Well, no, I think the rules would be things like when we listen when mommy talks to us,

we do what we're told. Yeah. That is an important rule because that's a safety thing. Yeah, that's how you explain it to the kid? Your job is to keep her safe and you cannot keep your child safe if she's not going to listen.

So that's really important. You can't trust your child unless she listens. So it's completely really important that your child does what they're told. Look, I think that is a really important one to start out with, with anyone who's in this situation. Yeah. That the whole point that I'm saying, listen to me, is because you aren't aware of the danger you are putting yourself in

by not listening to me. And let's be honest, we've had the situation where he's in a bad habit, not listening, and then he backpedals into traffic in a car park, like walks backwards. Forever, myself and Jarrah have always been saying that, because it's something I learned in a lovely old school I used to work in, Horizons, that it's really important that the child knows that your job is to keep them safe. And your own child, that's your main job, is to keep your child safe. So it's okay for you to say, I need you to listen. It is my job to keep you safe. I cannot keep you safe

if you don't listen. Our number one rule in this house is that when mommy tells you to do something, you do it. And then just respect for environment should be a rule there talk about what your hands and your feet are for what do we use our hands for what do we not use our hands for in this house we do not kick indoors that's unacceptable we do not hurt each other you do not hurt your mom that's not okay mommy doesn't hurt you you don't hurt mommy and then let her have a rule too i would and i know you hate when I do the impression of the kid, but this is potentially what you're going to get back. Sweets every day at four o'clock.

Yeah, okay. And you could say, mommy would love to give you sweets every day at four o'clock, but I can't because I'm trying to keep your teeth safe and we don't want to go to the dentist the whole time. But you can say, mommy would love, if you're able to do these rules, mommy will definitely give you sweets on this day and just right at the end of the day. And we're like, you will get treats.

We'll go to the shop, we'll buy your favorite sweets. There's an argument for taking sweets out of the equation for a while until these rules are. Yeah, that is something. If they're not in the house, she can cry all she likes, but she's not going to get them because they don't exist. They're not there. So she mentioned a behaviour chart, which is something that you see quite a bit in people's houses when you go in. Some behaviour charts I've seen in people's houses have been going on all year.

Is there any guidance you can give people on, you know, what makes a good behaviour chart? Well, it's really important if you're going to use a behavior chart. It's short lived. I think this mom is short lived. I think this mom has gone in too early with the behavior chart myself. But if it's working, don't take it out. That's OK. And it sounds like it's just an emotion one.

So it's just, you know, showing happy and sad faces. When you say short lived, how long are we talking? I mean, a week is a very long time for a behavior chart in my book. Yeah, it loses its impact after that. If you want them to be a powerful tool, you need to make the first few you do successful. So three days, I think, is enough. Three ticks, self-made behavior charts. You don't need to buy them.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, reward on Thursday. Name or draw a picture of the reward. But make it easy because the child is not going to do a behavior chart if, oh, what's the point? Sure, I never get to the end of the week on that. So the first one should be just something really easy, like putting on your coat in the morning when you're told. One, two, three.

You got a reward for that. Thank you for doing it. Because what the aim of a behavior chart is ironing out the behavior phasing out the chart so that they're just doing it they're doing an expected behavior without expecting anything because that's how it should be yeah like let's i think this is great and it's probably going to come up a few more times but that that alone that sense of like i said yeah they're probably going to come up a few more times. But that alone, that sense of, like I said, they're just going to give me more homework is a sense that a lot of kids can have quite a bit. It's like, what's the point? And I do think that some parents go, well, the chart is there now. That's part of our lives.

Don't make me tap the chart again. is there now that's part of our lives. Don't make me tap the chart again. Yeah, no, no. Whereas you're saying, if the room is chaos, the bedroom, we need a chart to iron out that the room gets tidied every day. And once that's happening, chart goes.

Yeah, and that would even be, to me, that would be a really hard thing. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. To me, a bedroom chart, like a tidy up room chart, like that wouldn't work for me. Even as a morning thing, that's like make your bed, put on your stuff, have your room tidy, plan for breakfast. You're building up to that. It's one thing rather than a whole load of things.

With this child, because you're starting off, just one thing, one achievable thing. And also the hope is that the charts are successful, but they don't enjoy doing them that much. So that if there's a behavior you see creeping back in, you can say, okay, I'm warning, I'm giving you a warning now. If this doesn't stop, we're making a chart. And then the kid's like, oh God, I don't want to have to do all that work again. So I better get on top of this. Also, before we leave this question, I just think with this mom, she's saying the child isn't listening to her. And maybe there's a bit of pushback when she's told her to do something. I feel like she needs to be careful about how she's telling the child to do something.

Don't ask the child if they can, can you, will you. Would you like to. Would you like to. Drop all those words. Give very direct instructions. Also, you can offer a choice, okay? But very direct. If you give your child the opportunity,

will, how, can, they have the right to say no. Because you've asked them a question. So you're saying we are having dinner in 15 minutes yeah you are to be finished that yeah in 10 yeah dinner's in 15 minutes you have 10 minutes to finish that i'll warn you again five minutes ago final thing i'll raise on this and then we'll move on and thanks so much to this questioner and to everybody who's been mailing in keep them coming in i just love all these parents they're incredible they love their kids so much and you are also helping all of the people who want to email in but haven't so fair play to you honey you are ruining our kid at

gmail.com is the place to send your mail final question she mentions dad has no rules yeah rules at dad's house that's really the fear there would have to be would it not that the kid goes i mean i again i do resort to doing impressions of kids but like that's what you're dealing with and there has to be a certain amount of fear that i'm the fun burglar yeah uh what do you say to that? Completely get that. But that, she's powerless to that. If daddy's only getting to see this kid one or two days a week,

daddy's not going to enforce the same rules as mommy. And she just has to not worry about that anymore because let that be a separate identity to her. That's a separate place. Don't worry about it in that. Are you saying that the kid will be happier knowing the rules? Oh, I completely think mommy and that child are going to have a way happier life in the house when there's rules and expected behavior and the child

feels safer because she knows, oh, if my mom tells me to do something, she means it. It's not just something she said. But mommy can't really do much about the daddy situation because daddy's only getting to see that kid maybe one day and he's not going to do it like we're probably going to need to loop back around to the sweets issue as well and i my suggestion on the sweets thing was perhaps to make your own stuff i I know that that sounds crazy, but I want to bring that up later in the series. If anyone has a solution for a kid that is absolutely rabid to get sweets, like I was as a kid,

I have complete sweets were so othered in my house. It's hard because I don't know if this mom is uttering the sweets because if you utter anything, it'll produce the child being fixated on it. I'm going to show myself. I only saw sweets after mass on a Sunday. I go to kids' parties and I fill my pockets and I would just like to be like, just Charlotte loves the sweets.

It is so tricky because we've never had an issue with sweets. But at the moment, Mikey's seen his grandparents a lot more than he ever did in his life. And there's a lot more sweets being consumed and i don't want to be that mom who's like you can't have sweets every day but you really can't have sweets every day yeah well look uh as always this might be the end of this question we may hear from this email again and we'll come back to the story and i'm not telling her not to do her mood chart because that child probably does need a bit of help with naming her feelings and her emotions but if it was me

I wouldn't do the chart yet. I'd do the rules see how they go then see if you need to introduce a chart but very short lived you know achievable goals.

Lovely stuff. Hey Tina and Jar love the pod and delighted that Honey You're Ruining Our Kid is doing so well. You gave me some great poo related advice a while back. And I have another sort of toilet related question. Wouldn't be an episode of Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid without a poo question.

I'm hoping you might be able to help. My five year old is still wearing pull ups at night, which is, let's be honest, very common. Yeah. five-year-old is still wearing pull-ups at night, which is, let's be honest, very common. Isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but I'm wondering how we're going to eventually wean him off the pull-ups. If he does wake in the night, he's well able to get up and go to the toilet himself. But most of the time he doesn't wake up and just wheeze in the pull up in his sleep. At this stage, he's so used to it that I feel like our only option is to let him go to bed without one and see what it feels like when he wets the bed. So that way he'll start waking up when he needs to wee. Any advice you guys have is much appreciated. Keep up the great work, Anonymous. Yeah, that's

really tough. Big. This is big. And I think this is one of those ones, again, where it's like, this is the case in a lot of houses and nobody's talking about it. Oh, big time. Is letting them wee in the bed ever going to work, Tina? Well, this is why, you know, toilet training should be done before they're two. Because now that kid is used to weeing in his sleep. No disrespect to any parents who are doing that.

But, I mean, I completely see how it happens. They advertise. You're completely told by society to buy pull-ups. Pull-ups. They got cartoons on them. Get your kid in pull-ups at night time. Finish with the nappies. Now it's time for pull-ups.

Yeah, your child's ready to wear these at night time. It's like, but they don't need to, definitely. But five is a long established habit of weeing in the bed. He's obviously not ever thinking, if I feel a wee coming, I need to run to the toilet. But that's okay because it takes four days minimum to break a habit. I get that again. You're telling me you can break this habit in four days.

With most children. Any habit or this habit? Most children. I'm not talking about grown-ups. Those are very established habits. She looks at me in that moment. I'm in disdain. But most children, yeah, if you're consistent with your plan,

you can break any behaviour in four days. Now, I think this kid is five he's going to school you can sit this kid down and be like you're too old for them now buddy we're gonna need you to start doing something different at night time now straight like that absolutely treat him with respect and be like the pull-ups were great but you're too old for them now he's gonna start going he's going to start going on sleepovers he can't be wearing a pull-up and you're gonna have to say things to him like mommy and daddy completely trust you now we know you don't need them anymore then he's feeling oh mommy and daddy believe in me they don't think i need it then he'll believe in himself and you say things like you can call us during the night we We know it's scary at night time when it's dark.

We want you to call us because we definitely don't want you to do your wee-wee in the bed. Wee-wees go in the toilet. It's really important with children to say all those things because there's so much they don't think about unless they're told it. So you can be like, wee-wees go in the toilet now. During the night when you wake up, you need to get out of your bed, turn on your light, go to it, do your wee,

get back into bed. You really do have to talk through all the steps with them. So it takes every extra step you tell them, takes a little worry away. You can even give him his own little flashlight

that gets him to the toilet if he doesn't want to. Even that could be enough. If he doesn't want to wake up He'll want to use the flashlight in the night he doesn't want to wake up mummy and daddy he'll want to use the flashlight in the night and you can get those

really cool toilet lights now they're really cool aren't they they're really cool I was well impressed I was very impressed by the toilet light I was like

why do I want to see my shit but look here's my question I think this is very achievable but I can feel parents asking this question I've tried it it didn't. But I can feel parents asking this question.

I've tried it. It didn't work. Because you gave in to... I am not spending my life airing out mattresses. Yeah, I know. I know. What do you do when it doesn't work right away? Well, if your child's been wearing a pull-up for five years, it is not going to work straight away.

So before you have to chat with him about them being gone, you need to to chat with your partner and say are we ready for them to be gone because it's going to be a little bit of work you're going to maybe have to make sure he goes to the toilet before and after he reads his story before he closes his eyes have you done your weebies yet because they don't go in your bed they go go in the toilet. And go easy on the liquids before bed? Yeah, go easy until he's used to it, maybe. You know, also... Sorry, go ahead. I was just going to say that, you know, without the child knowing, you can get those nappy mattresses you put under the sheet,

but I would never let the child know it's there. And that's just to save your sanity. Between ourselves. Yeah, that's just to save your sanity. Yeah, that's just to save your sanity. I mean, airing out a mattress is impossible. The smell of wee in our house. And also the child will smell of wee if they wee in the bed, you know. So I think definitely make sure you're ready yourself

before you do this because it is going to be hard. And if you go back to the pull-ups, that's game over for a few more years okay now i do know of one case where the kid had an ensuite in the room yeah and was too fucking lazy yeah laziness can be a part of it but you can break any habit how do you break that habit You set an alarm in your own bedroom and you go in and root that kid out of bed, put them on the toilet until they think, I'd rather go to the toilet myself than have my mother or father wake me up every night.

Wow. That's my wife. Well, has Mikey ever wet the bed? He has never wet the bed. But like, Tina, my heart does go out to these folks. Oh, yeah. I have to say it.

And that's why. But I'm so glad that the other toileting thing helps. I mean, I think that, you know, we're in a time where. What other toileting? They said that the last time they got in touch. Oh, yes, of course. And I think we are in a time where we're all so tired. We're all so frazzled.

Like we talked with the clubs. Our lives are so busy that the idea of striking out and trying to get rid of this pull-up, knowing that your sleep's going to be interrupted again, maybe they've only just got their sleep back. It is hard to commit to that. So make sure you're committed to losing your sleep for a few days before you go into this, because it's not going to be successful straight away. Pick your moment. But it will happen. And he needs to believe that you believe in him. You completely know he can do this. And that he's a big guy now.

A big guy now. You know that you're a big guy. You're going to school. You're a teacher. He's an amazing guy. Great stuff. Great stuff. I take the compliment.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, thank you. I am great stuff. Final question of the week. And this is a bit of a table turner. Tina needs help with a question that we received. Yeah, I do need a little bit of help. I've been thinking, I got back to this mom,

a lovely mom emailed me last week and I told her I'd get in touch with a strategy, but I still don't quite have that strategy in place because it's something a little bit out of my experience. I have a mom whose daughter is maybe six or seven and still taking a dodie to go to sleep. A soother. A soother, to go to sleep at nighttime. And my problem with it is it's obviously helps her feel safe. And I'm trying to figure out ways well i guess yeah i'm just

wondering if anyone has ideas i nearly have a plan myself and a way to go towards this mom but i thought if there's any moms listening who've had a child way too old with a suitor at night how did they replace that security for their kid because obviously this child it comforts her gets her to sleep it's a comfort now how do we take that comfort away and replace it with another just wondering yeah that's that's tough like i don't know what you do there like all my suggestions are always like sneak in the room and pull it out of her mouth when she's asleep yeah and i think it's too personal for me because um my best friend who's actually passed away now

when i was a kid she always had dodies everywhere and her parents like they were just it was like every little nook and cranny in her house until the age she was 10 there was a suitor hid from her parents and she'd run over and like have a little go in it and now yeah like she was dragging out yeah like she's dragging out of a bag honest to god and now that we're older i wonder oh god what was happening there what was the security she needed so i guess i'm i'm worried about taking it and yeah taking it away she was a great woman yeah like it didn't harm her no incredible lady but she was definitely um sucking on cedars like sucking on a cigarette oh my god in shame in shame yeah wow well if anyone does have a suggestion on that or is in a similar situation as always

honey you're ruining our kid at gmail.com is the way to contact us final part of the show my absolute favorite bit where tina gets to tell me one thing she'd like me to stop doing as a parent and then the really awkward moment where i get to say one well i don't think it's particularly as a parent uh is my one this week oh it's it's personal to me it's really personal really personal i would love, Charlotte, to start reading emails properly. That's it. That's it. Actually, that would be game over all levels achieved.

Just start reading emails properly, please. Please. You have no idea how much trouble this has got me in, guys. Tina raises a big issue for me here. I do get a ridiculous number of emails every day and that's not me going uh i'm so popular everybody wants to be my friend flew to the wrong country for a meeting because he read the email too fast i mean it's a massive problem in our lives for a meeting i found out when i got the address in dublin i was outside the address. Yeah. On the street. And I was like,

why would this company be in this street on the north side of the city? And then I looked at the email properly and I realized, oh, the meeting is taking place in London. Where I live. On the same street name right now. And they're probably drinking flat whites and going, where is it?

And I know I have to ring them and go, you're not going to believe what's happened. Like I had booked in gigs in Dublin. Like it's, I'm going red thinking about this. Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Just read your emails and I'll be well I'll be well but like Tina

it's so often like it's so often I skim read things and I just get myself I'm actually blushing thinking about this but like

I don't know why I don't do it but I I said to you earlier I think that what you're asking me to do is anti-Irish. Because Tina had made the point during the week that Irish people don't read the rules. They think, I'm going to see how you're doing it, but I'll figure it out for myself. Yeah, but that's very different to reading emails or books. You know, let's not just guess the end of the email anymore.

Let's just read it. Okay. I can figure out end of the email anymore. Let's just read it. Okay. I can figure out where this story is going. Let's just read it. Okay. My turn. Okay. I can't remember what my one was.

Oh, let's leave it at that. Remember. What could it be? Nothing. You do know. What is it? You do know. No, I don't.

How would I know? We recorded this. No, I don't. How would I know? We recorded this already. But I can't remember. What was it? Okay. Here's my one. You do go to catastrophe. What?

Quicker than most people. My microphone picked up your what there. It's like all of the levels went off the chart. Do you mean just when Mikey's concerned? Yeah, I guess. Like there is, like my concern there is anxiety in him going to catastrophe and over-concerned. A bit unfair, considering I'm so conscious of it and trying

my best did i say that yours was unfair i don't know that what i said mine is true mine's true everyone's just bullshit but you're not working on yours i'm working on my one every day do you think i don't try to read emails i definitely think you don't try reading that you are so bad at reading emails just today guys jared has an appointment this is the pattern guys yeah jared has to do a thing later she says one he didn't even know what he was doing because he read it wrong this is just like so this is this is the pattern for the week every week tina's going to suggest a thing that i need to change and i will go i take it on the chin, Tina. I'll definitely try to improve.

I say one back to her and she goes, I don't know where you're getting that from. And that's our show for the week. I said that's not particularly fair when that is something I'm consciously working on all the time. I think if the court stenographer reads the remarks back, he'll find. Thank you all for submitting your questions this week. If you want to submit one, you know where to do it. And like we said, you can just mark it not to be broadcast and it won't be. And Tina will get back with advice.

Yeah, I mean, that is the heart of the show. Whatever about the podcast, we just really want to, I just want to empower moms and dads and help them with behaviors. It's not forever. You just want to help. I am no help. I am literally just person going,

I just want mommies and daddies to know, like, instead of going to bed totally fraught, to know there is hope. There is hope. Please be safe. You're not in it on your own. This is not your child. This is just a phase.

And I can help you get through that phase. Fantastic. Tina, thank you so much. Thanks to D Ready at Go Loud. Yeah. And all of our supporters over on Patreon.com forward slash Irishmanabroad. Where you can get all of the Irishmanabroad back catalogue. A hundreds and hundreds of episodes.

600 and 800. Tina counted 600 episodes. Yeah. Interviews with the greatest Irish people that have ever lived. and hundreds of episodes. 600 and 800. Tina counted 600 episodes. Interviews with the greatest Irish people that have ever lived. And of course, our weekly shows with Sonia O'Sullivan and Marion McKeown.

Marion McKeown is my absolute favourite. We'll be back next week with more Take It Easy out there. Raising your kids not to be gobshies. Not easy, but we're in it together. Bye bye. not easy but we're in it together bye bye