Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Grief, Bedtime Backlash & Your Kid's Friends' Hygiene

Episode Date: November 25, 2024

We are back, Honey! You’re Ruining Our Kid drops every two weeks, which means there is only one more episode before Christmas. So if you need help getting your child ready for the Christmas madness that is approaching fast get in touch. Email [e-mail]. Question 1- What do you do about head lice. Once the infestation starts how do you get it under control? Head lice is the secret we all feel we cannot  share. A school will send your kid home if they notice you they have lice so why don’t we take it more seriously. I have some really easy ways of staying on top of the nasty buggers. It does mean you need to fall into a routine but trust me it will work. Question 2- Every parent fears bedtime. The idea of uninterrupted sleep becomes something you reminisce about. The feeling that it might someday return is something you cling onto when you find yourself in the misery of sleepless nights. How can you stop your kid coming into your room every night? Is it even possible to break this habit. When you genuinely worry that they are afraid is it easier to just let them sleep in with you rather than battling against the will of your kid. Question 3- How do we help our child navigate a death in the family when we ourselves are also consumed with grief. How do you teach them to cope and to remember. Leading with comfortable honesty is definitely something I have observed through the years. When they ask you difficult questions answer them as honestly as you can while respecting your own honestly comfort levels. Thank you so much for tuning into another episode of Honey You’re Ruining Our Kid. www.patreon.com/irishmanabroad If you are hungry for more why not pop over to Patreon and listen to the extra juicy stuff. Email us anytime at [e-mail]. 

It's showtime folks, it's one month to Christmas and wherever you are in the world, this is when you realise, oh my god, I wish I was one of those organised people that does it all in November. Not everyone can afford to do it all. No, but I feel like this year of all years it's particularly snuck up on us. Like normally there's so much rain and we've had good weather that I don't think we've internalised. You're blaming the weather. I'm blaming the weather because I don't think we've internalised that it's actually winter. Yeah it's been unseasonably mild here in Ireland wherever you are in the world. Welcome along to Honey You're Ruining Our Kit season 3 episode 6. We've had quite the

weekend, quite the... look it's just been a mad old time whatever you're going through we're here for you no matter what you're happening with your kids or what they're doing or what they're up to Tina has seen it and we're getting the emails from people with all sorts of issues and problems and just behaviors that they need ironed out. It'd be great to iron them out before the Christmas. But in reality, this is a coping podcast. Yeah. And this is about how do you cope with what you know these kids are going to throw at you? How do you strap in and get ready for what's about to go down?

Because no matter how well behaved your child is or how calm they are right now, all rules go out the window at Christmas. And it's about weathering that storm and getting them back on track. You know, what's extra tough is that they're probably trying their best to be well behaved in the lead up. Oh, I hate that, though. I hate the big boogie man. The I know Santa or the Robins watching or my elf on the shelf.

But I guess if you've brought those things into your life, there's no going back. And look, in a lot of houses, they work. There's a lot better behavior in the lead up because of the threat of not getting the toys. I don't think parents realize how much the teacher is also using Santa at school. I've seen that so much where the teacher will take out their mobile phone and say, right, that's it, I'm calling Santa. And these poor kids aren't just stressed out at home.

They're stressed out in school. It's like by the time Christmas Day comes, they must be so relieved that they don't have to be living in fear of the elf on the shelf or Santa calls anymore. Were you a good kid in that way or were you one of those kids who was like oh I haven't been the same, I'm doing great in the lead up to Christmas but I seem to fare out pretty well. Well I think I've talked about this before that I was always trying to be the best little girl. I don't think it was ever acknowledged that I was being good.

Let's get your parents on the phone right now. Why did you not acknowledge she was trying her best? I think that you are still in that headspace. I'm always trying to be a good little girl, yeah. You're still trying to be the best there is, the best, the best one. Yeah. Nobody gives two shits. Nobody gives a fuck. This Christmas is going to throw an awful lot at you. If you're worried about any particular behavior or one particular moment or situation where it's like it's when those cousins arrive, that everything goes out the window. Get us an email or honey. You're ruining our kid at gmail.com.

And Tina will get back to you with something. Some form of strategy, right? Something. Even if it's, I don't know what it is. She does get back with some help for everybody. Sometimes I don't know what to do. And we work it through on the emails. We get a bit more information.

You know, a bit clearer picture. What have you got for us this week, Tina? Well, we have someone getting in touch about headlice. Oh, one of my old faves. We have behavior, as always, you know, just kids out of control. And then we also have one that's dealing with grief. Oh, yeah. And you know what? We have that awful story in the news this week.

The jar that doesn't really want to talk about, but I find it so shocking. It is horrible, but it happened in real life in Australia. A mother was an influencer on Instagram and TikTok or TikTok, as Jarla likes to call it. And she, everyone's been following her life. Like I have, I actually follow a few kids online where they have, they've been ill and them parents. this mom this was the type of influencer she was she was like I really appreciate you guys following my journey with my sick child and my child is in terrible situation and we're going for this therapy and it emerges that she's been poisoning her kid she's the reason the kid is

sick it's munch house and is that how you say that? Yeah. And it's really, really sad and it really made me really feel because she'd been poisoning the child and the nurses that have been treating the child. Oh, yeah, that's true. Watched the videos and was like, this doesn't add up. This is not what happened here. No, yeah, she was saying, well, the poor child was put through, I think, at least three brain surgeries, which is so invasive. And the mother was saying in the

videos, because she had tumours, but the nurse, one of the nurses was like, hang on, I treat that child, that child doesn't have tumours, these are all investigative. And then they started looking into it and they realised, oh my god, this kid's being poisoned by their mother. How did they not pick up on that though? Well, when that's the hardest part, why would you ever assume a child's being poisoned? You're doing blood tests and you find some weird shit in the blood. But that's, I think that's a misconception a lot of people have about blood tests. They're like, but they did the blood work. It's like, but the blood work has to be for the thing they're looking for.

So if they do blood, it's not going to show up everything. It's only going to show up whatever tests they're running. Is she going to jail now? I don't know what's happening now, but I know that the kids have been taken out of her care and the dad apparently had no idea. You'd hope he had no idea or else those kids are going to be left without any kind of parent. But he's saying he had no idea. How do you not know that your wife's poisoning your kid?

Like, I don't know. I mean, this should happen. It's a grotesque story. Yeah, it made me sad. It really made me sad. Sorry. I don't know about you, but you're going to be around an awful lot more kids this coming month and you're going to see it being done certain ways. People poising?

The moment we had yesterday out in Hoth, we were at a beautiful restaurant called King's Citric. Recommend that to people. It's a beautiful seafood restaurant there to meet my parents, my beloved Memmi. And a kid at another table, we just I heard the father slam his fist off the table and get the kid to stand outside the restaurant on her own, sobbing. And I mean, she was a toddler. Maybe two and a half. And it was just like one of those moments where you're like,

what the hell is going on in that house? Yeah. Like I thought about it a lot afterwards. And I thought they had a tiny baby with them who wasn't feeding well. So they were really stressed out because the mom kept trying to give the baby the boob and it just wasn't happening. And then that baby was making a lot of noise. And I mean, we didn't mind, but definitely a few other people there minded that the baby was crying. And that dad let all that stuff get to him, which come on, all of us are guilty of, we're all guilty of a crying baby and worrying about the people around more than the crying baby. I don't condone what he did.

I don't condone what he did. But I do know sleep deprivation will make you do terrible things. And we just have to hope that that was a one off. But the little girl having to stand outside on her own. And then. Her face, like I will never forget her face. She was like, you know when you see a kid who's like looking at the ground, kind of sucking in her bottom lip,

looking around going, I can't believe this is my life. Yeah, it was really, really sad. And what I, the thing I didn't like the most about it was that he allowed himself to gather himself. Like he totally prioritized his own emotions. And when he was ready, they all went. But she wasn't given that. He didn't come down and hug it out or anything.

He didn't apologize because he definitely owed her an apology. He slammed his fist. He owed me an apology. He frightened the life out of me. But I mean, we can't judge him because we just don't know. It wasn't right what he did. This is the Zero Judgment parenting podcast. This has always been the mantra of this show. And if you have something to get in touch for you,

like I keep slamming the fist off the counter and I keep losing with my kids, there's going to be no judgment here. Yeah, we'll help you get in touch. Well, Tina will help. I'll read out the emails. That's how it works. It is great to have you along.

Come with us now and head over to patreon.com forward slash Irish man abroad if you want the extended cut of this episode. And if you're already over there, thank you very much. If your biggest concern this Christmas is that your kids are increasingly not getting on with each other and now, you know, they're going to have two weeks together. Where do you even start with that? Is it right to start at this one month out getting everybody on the same page as

to how we're going to be with each other this Christmas? Absolutely. Like get the family meeting going. Get set out some ground rules for December and getting through the Christmas and making sure everybody gets to have the special Christmas holiday they want and make sure your kids understand what is acceptable and not acceptable behavior. And the most important thing is be ready to enforce consequences that are fair. Yes. But don't just threaten a consequence. If you say they're getting one, have one ready. Well, you did a good one last week where I was like, well, there's a consequence for this.

I was like, there is going to be a consequence for this. It was over and over, same thing. And I was like, you're getting a consequence. But you pulled this one, which works great. And I have to comment on this before we go on to our first question, was you were like, but if you do your homework and you do it well and you do X, Y and Z, you can always work your way out of the

punishment or whatever the consequence was. I like that. I mean he's older. All is not lost. Yeah, he's older now and I and I felt like he needs to understand that yes you've been warned that there is a consequence if you do it again but also you can just change the whole dynamic if you just stop this behaviour and try and behave better, you know? It's often the case that it's one particular kid though. This is the tough thing that there's usually one instigator and, you know, one little niggler who enjoys winding everybody up or just won't take no for an answer.

Well, you told us some stories of you as a child this weekend and me and Mikey were like, you said, like you told us a story of you at a swimming party where basically myself and Mikey were like, you ruined that birdie. I did not. You did, you ruined it for those people. I mean, you were like, you ruined that birdie. I did not. You did. You ruined it for those people.

I mean, first of all, we need to talk about is that the idea of bringing kids swimming for a birthday. I mean, literally, what were we thinking? But in the 80s, that's incredible. So like, you know, well, it was the early 90s. And so you were old enough to know better. I was definitely old enough to know better And there was a specific rule at this party. No jumping in the pool and no jumping in the swim

It was a public swimming pool. We're just brought swimming for the birthday. It was lovely. It was nice There was no jumping in this pool. I was just like that's such a nonsense rule Like what no jumping in the pool. What's the point of the pool? But like So I jumped in the pool once and the lifeguard blew the whistle at me and was like, oh, no jumping in the pool. And I was like, what? And he said, there's no jumping in the pill. And I was like, no, I can't hear you. It's so loud. And he's like, you heard me. No jumping in the pool.

And I was like, okay, I can't make out what you're saying. So I got out of the pool and this time I did it. And I did a kind of real fancy pants jump into the pool. And he followed me around the pool, trying to tell me again, no jumping in the pool. And I pretended that I didn't know he was following me and I swam around and around and around. And eventually when he got me he goes, yeah, you. Oh.

And that was that I got kicked out of the party. It's so funny that even now you haven't thought about it because me and Mikey straight away were like, well, what about the kids? His party was who witnessed this behavior. Everybody was just living independently. That was the thing. It wasn't like we were all at a party together. Everyone was just doing their own thing. I don't think the kid whose party it was even knew that I'd been kicked out of the pool.

Her dad knew. Her dad, yeah, they knew. Yeah, he was telling me that he might tell my parents about what happened and I was like. Pfft. Charlie, did you sound like the boldest boy ever. I was, I was a cake walk. No, let's be honest.

Let's go, question number one. Dealing with my teens best friends head lice great crack look I was jumping in a pool at least I didn't have head lice you probably did if you're in the pool my usual effective and rigorous eradication is not practical for a continuous routine hold on a minute this is someone else's kids's head lice. Yeah. Why is she taking care of that kid's head lice?

OK, here we go. I have always hit head lice hard. First sign of an infestation, I hit the heads, the beds, the furniture, the floors, the laundry, the brushes, continue with the sheets, blankets, pillows, vacuuming daily, then follow with a second treatment. It makes for a very labor-intensive period for me, but boom, they gone. Yeah, and it's so frustrating

when other people don't do that. They're not taking the same approach. And you're like, but I'm doing, I'm trying so hard. Here we go. My teen's best friend are from homes where parents that I'm going to assume are very busy and possibly overwhelmed. One had no electric in their home and no water at another time.

OK, so tough situation. Yeah, they're overwhelmed for sure. And for so I'm not interested in judging them. I just need practical solutions for how to prevent this. We live in a conservative community and I want these gay teens to continue to feel safe and comfortable in my home. Holy moly, there's a lot happening in this email. Both have long hair and one is curly and frequently matted. I talked to them into letting me condition and comb out the mattes once,

but it took over an hour and I'm not sure this 15 year old will humor me again. I do the obvious clean up when they leave, keep tea tree oil in the hair brushes on dryer sheets, but is there anything else I can do to keep from being constantly reinfested? Oh, I mean, it's so tough because here's the truth with headlice. It that lady thinks that she's doing it right and she's not. She's not like she's going to so much trouble and it's still not enough. Well, you know what you have to do if there's headlights around you you actually have to check the hair every single day

You do and that's why it doesn't get ever get under control in a school and stuff because some parents just aren't willing to do that What you have to do is write every time your child will not every day Okay Every time your child is in the bath or washing their hair you need to say put a load of conditioner on that hair, dry it in conditioner because you're suffering. You may not want to have kids. Then you suffocate. You've never once had to do this by the way. I'm the one who always has to do it. And then you you suffocate. That's what you're trying to do. You're trying to suffocate the head lice and then you brush it out and brush it out.

And unfortunately, you've got to do that until you know that your child has moved from a place where there's head lice anymore. They always say that it was kids with really nice hair that they take them to. I think that's just bullshit. You think that's baloney. It's just hair. They don't care if your hair is nice, clean, anything like braiding is great. You can braid their hair, but I feel I feel like we're dealing with two boys here and going long hair as a boy anyway, it's a tough option because they don't tend. I'm not I don't want to generalize, but they don't tend to keep it

as clean as girls. Maybe they don't watch it every single day. Yeah, because they don't actually want it to look clean. They're going for that kind of grungy look. But I mean you can. Which is great to see that back. You can use oils. Lavender oil and tea tree oil are amazing. She's already mentioned tea tree oil. You can put lavender oil around the ears or tea tree oil that keeps them away. But honestly I feel so sorry for her. I think she is probably going a little bit, you know, if she doesn't, if she wants to stop the whole having to clean everything,

all she has to do is every time, anytime that kid washes his hair, make sure he leaves the conditioner in long enough and brushes it through himself. That way you will keep on top of them coming in, even if he's hanging out with this person every day. I'm an early years teacher. I've had head lice in my class all the time. Like there's never a day where there isn't somebody

with head lice in the class. And I have never got infected because when I wash my hair, I do that. I leave the conditioner in forever. I brush it true. And straighteners, straighteners are amazing. But like isn't there an argument here, Tina, that like

there's nothing you can do. But I don't think she can broach it with the kid. I mean, I had to do that once myself and it was horrific. And it is neglect. It actually is neglect. But like we are also dealing with a teenager here who can take over the process. They don't need their mom or dad to do their hair for them. So I guess one suggestion would be to get in touch with the school and have the school educate them. I think this emailer is from the UK and over there they actually

have knit nurses in some of the schools. Really? Yeah. And they come in and they do a comb through every now and again, which is so embarrassing I thought for the kids in the school I was in, we got rid of it because it's mortifying. All the kids are in by day. When does it stop? Well it normally. Like the grown-ups get it? Yeah, of course. If your kid comes home with head lice, that's what she's worried about. She's getting head lice. If your kid comes home with head lice, you're probably going to get head lice. So your answer is you've got to do even more than you're doing. Yeah, well I think if you do even more than you're doing, you get to avoid all the having to wash and scrub the house all the time because what you're doing there is you're keeping on top of it.

Like I mean, I'm saying at the source. So like you, those little buggers are so hard to get rid of. It's not her kid. This is the problem. Yeah. But the problem is her kid is getting infested because they're hanging out with this kid. So what she can do is keep on top of her kid and her own hair by just over conditioning it, leaving the conditioner in, brushing it out and washing the hair. That is a really effective way of not giving them the time to, you know, respawn. I mean, they're really dirty little buggers. You know, like they suck your blood.

They actually really bad for you. They live off the nutrients in your child and they're really bad for your kid. And some kids end up getting really, really sick because they actually are being fed on by these things. There's a wider question here that will probably apply to more people than the specific lice one. And that is, what do you do if one of your kids' friends has an hygiene issue and, you know, do you,

can you broach it? What do you do in that scenario? Outside of headlice, what would your advice be to somebody there? I mean, you have to be so delicate because you're dealing with, you know, teenagers have, very few of them have much confidence. And the ones that do tend to be overcompensating, you know, their confidence isn't coming from a natural place. So do you really, really want to get into it with them and make them even more self aware? I mean, we're lucky we're living in an age where they're doing more of these social classes at school. And there are teachers at school whose jobs it is to have these chats.

I do recommend this woman getting in touch with the secondary school her kids go to and giving it passing it on to a professional, somebody who's going to pull that kid aside and give them the tools. Like what they will do when they're teenagers is they will be like, OK, this is the shampoo. This is a brush you need. This is what you need to do to get rid of this. We need to get on top of this because this is going to impact you and your friends. I think it's a bit like if somebody in your family is being racist at Christmas or sexist. Yeah.

It is not your place to fix this. I have never not been able to react to that, though. That is the hardest for me. But it's not it's not on you. You're not the thought police. You are not the hygiene police. Yeah, but sometimes if you don't stand up to it, who does? Like, I can't allow anyone to be sexist or racist in my company.

When it comes to hygiene, it's similarly having an impact on the community. Yes. That, you know, maybe your kid is suddenly stopping using deodorant. You had to do it before with a friend in college. You had to tell him, look, mate, you need to wash your clothes. Well, yeah. Well, his problem was that, like a lot of people having difficulty drying the clothes and he was putting on putting on clothes that weren't 100 percent clean.

And then there was a pong. Yeah. And but I was very close with that person and I was I always prided myself on being able to tell people I was friends with. Yeah and you were protecting him too because other people were talking about him and you were like say to his face like this is a good guy. But you know I would think when it comes to hygiene of other kids you gotta grin and bear it. Well, see, the thing with the headlights is though that that kid is actually uncomfortable.

Like, I mean, that itch. They're not, yeah. That's like, they're not oblivious. They won't even be sleeping properly. I mean, it is so hard. And like this woman says, you know, she can't go into his house and, you know, wash his clothes and everything.

I mean. Have I ever had a hygiene issue that you were reluctant to tell me about? No, I always tell you to your face. Why does that not surprise you? What's the absolute worst you've heard of in terms of kids who won't go to bed? Is it you? No.

No, I eventually skivvle. You mean getting out of bed and having the crack? Coming down, getting the chase. Coming up, yeah. I was definitely a whore for it. Sneaking into the room, watching telly with them and waiting to see when they notice. I would sneak in behind the couch and lie on the floor watching the TV with my head stuck out around the corner and they wouldn't know. Yeah, that was a real buzz, wasn't it?

Yeah. I just sound like an awful brat. You do. I was good. I was good most of the time. I remember reversing back out and tiptoeing back up the stairs because I knew I shouldn't be watching this. I guess it's the kid who just flat out refuses to ever sleep in their own bed.

That's really tough. You're not getting sleep. Not getting your sleep is really... We need to do a sleep episode again. Maybe that's the one we need in the lead up to Christmas. I mean, I think we've told a million people so far about TaylorMadeBabies, where I was like, oh, I know who you should call. Yeah. But it's maybe we get her back on. Cura Taylor, TaylorMadeBabies.ie specifically helping people who are having sleep issues and kids in their own room. She specializes with tiny babies.

And I think when they're tiny babies, you're much more understanding. I mean, it's really hard, but it's when they're six, seven, ten, fifteen, and they're still coming into your room. That's tough. That's where our question, our second question of the day comes in. Thank you all for your questions. Here we go. Help! Our eight year old has always been difficult at bedtime. At first she wouldn't go to sleep on her own unless I lay with her for an hour.

Very, very common. And huge mistake. Sorry. That's a huge mistake. Well, okay. Then we managed to get her to sleep on her own, but she would get in between me and her dad every night, so she crawled into their bed. Eventually she stopped that too. So we bought her a bigger bed, did a room up,

and then the school holidays hit, and she spends lots of her time with grandma, and when she stayed over with sleep in grandma's bed. Oh surprise surprise! Yeah. The grandparents where the rules go out the window and the thing that you've worked on for so long I'm allowed Jesus Christ that is my grandchild and if they want to sleep in my bed that's okay. It's unbelievable how they do that. I've done reel after reel about the difference in how grandparents treat their grandkids and how they treat adults.

It's crazy. And my heart goes out to this person. It's been two months since the summer was over and I cannot get her to sleep in her own bed or stay asleep because she is scared of sleeping in, are you scared? We cracked it once, now we're back at square one and it's affecting mine and my husband's relationship. Of course it is.

We haven't slept on my own bed for two months. Has anyone else dealt with this? I can guarantee you there's people nodding along, tuning in and turning up the radio wherever you're listening to this. Any advice would be welcome, Tina. Thank you so much for the podcast. Absolutely love it. Well, I mean, it's a tough one, isn't it? Because a habit has been formed and now you're facing into having to break a habit. And that is never easy.

But you always say. Oh yeah, I'll say there's hope. Every habit can be broken but you need a plan and you need to be ready. Because once you start you can't go back. You're about to go down this road of breaking a habit and you need to be ready for the storm. Because a kid will always push back and we don't want it to be awful for the kid. We've got to try and find a way where this experience will be kind of positive or they'll get a reward, you know, something to make them actually think this isn't so

bad. But like the number one thing I would have always said was do up the room. But they've already done that. They've already done it. So now, do it over again. Now I feel like, you know, they first of all, the dialogue around the room needs to be, this is your special room. This room is so safe, you know, not even engaging her in it, just letting her hear that stuff being said. How, you know, it's amazing that you have your own space, you have your own room. So many kids don't. We're so lucky. Look at us in our house and your room is so cozy and it's so snuggly and you must feel so safe in here. Then I would get some night lights, I would get a sandbox,

I'll get like maybe a light box and a sandbox, two new things that you're like this is really special, I'm giving this for your room, the sandbox will help you go to sleep and the lights just for you to turn on whenever you're feeling afraid. I would then bring in, I would say, we're gonna have to bring in some rules to bedtime because you are a big girl, you're eight. You know, sometimes babies or toddlers tend to come into mommy and daddy's room,

but eight year olds, it's a bit too old. And you might need to be a straight with her like that. And you can say things like, me and daddy are here to keep you safe. And if you wake up during the night and you need us, or you need a little reassurance and a hug, sure, come on in, tap us, we'll give you that and we'll help you get back to bed. But you cannot sleep in our bed anymore. It's not OK. I mean, it's not OK. It's not healthy for the kid. You're not giving them a realistic version of life.

You're allowing them to think it's perfectly normal to sleep with your parents and it's not. God these grandparents have a lot to answer for. I know I feel sorry. She must be furious over it because if they'd cracked it. Well what can she do because you can never complain. No. You can never complain. They're taking care of them for you. And when they take care of your kid it's someone who loves them taking care of your kid and you're never going to get someone better to take care of your kids than someone who actually loves them the way you do. But at the same time, Tina, she is gonna have to have a chat with the granny. She's not gonna be able to do that. Because what you can say to the kid is... But Tina, then it's gonna happen again.

Yeah, but you're gonna say the next time the kid's going to granny's, you can say, I know nanny lets you do that sometimes, but that's not okay here. So if you choose to do that when you're there, do not choose to do it when you come back. I mean, they're acting like this little girl can't be spoken to. She's eight years old. That is so grown up. Can you-

That's old, that's ancient. As a parent, take a step back and think, how would my teacher treat this little girl? Yes. That teacher is treating your kid like a grownup in school. Yeah. Don't treat her like a baby at home.

Do you get the teacher involved in that way? In that, could we do a circle around? I guess you could definitely ask the teacher to do family dynamics and talk about what's expected of eight year olds and what eight year olds should be doing, like not pointed at her. And even then around the classroom going, yeah, I sleep in my own bed. You know, I love my bedroom. Yeah, we don't want to bring shame into it.

Shame the kid, no Tina. Shame is your best weapon here. We don't want to bring shame into it. We're embarrassed, I'm like, who here goes in with their parents? Just you, a loser. OK, OK, OK. That is just one one angle. But also a really good way for this mom to get her little girl to talk about

sleeping would be to actually play with her to get down on the ground, get the Barbies or get Lego out or get whatever toy she's into. And well, once the game is afloat, yeah, start dropping questions about like, well, what is it at night time that scares you and why do you feel like you have to come into the room when they're relaxed enough? They'll be open and honest with you. I mean, that is what a play therapist will do. We all have those skills as well.

I mean, you know, not all of us can afford therapy. And at the moment in Ireland, it's a bloody joke. Impossible to find one. Unbelievable. But, you know, the parallel play thing, though, Tina. Yeah. To focus on that for a second. Like, I think we've all kind of done it at some point, right? Where you're colouring in with the kids and you're looking up at your partner going, are you hearing this?

And they're just there colouring away going, yeah. And then he told me, you go screw yourself. And I didn't hear anybody say that. Yeah, no, they will. Full honesty will come out. Yeah, it's why your teachers get so much out of your kids. And I'm telling you, I always say it. Your early years teacher knows everything about your family. Yeah, everything. There is no secrets in that.

They're on the couch when they're in there. They are opening up their like they're doing so much with their hands. They're doing so much cutting and art and everything. And they are nonstop talking the whole time, telling everything that's happening in your eyes. So, I mean. Well, there's some really solid stuff in there, right? So, you don't want to redo the room.

No. But you might need to introduce an item or a thing. Yeah. Something that. That is the focal point of this. Something that is attached to the feeling of safety. Yeah. And this is a safe thing. This is when that is the focal point of this. Something that is attached to the feeling of safety. Yeah. And this is a safe thing. This is when you feel that feeling you can turn on the light. Also offering them like, you know, ways of coping like, so you turn on the light and this is your special teddy bear that you then give a hug and you count to 10 and you see can I lie back

down in the bed and get myself back to sleep? Or do I need to go and say, tell my mom that I'm awake? If you need to do that, fine, but you won't be coming in bed with us, I will bring you back to your own bed. Yeah, I mean, this is a long process as well. Like, let's be honest, it's gonna be, take some patience. That's gonna take a full two weeks. So you need to be ready for a lot of interrupted sleep.

But if you can do it and if you can stay calm, and obviously I always say, try not to talk. Even eye contact sometimes can be too much in these moments. You just do your role of making sure that child feels safe, popping them back in the bed, giving them a hug and a kiss, but you don't need to say anything. Don't need to engage verbally. Just make sure that they realize

this is how it works from now on. You know, we talked about early years there, and I was talking to somebody during the week, you know, obviously Donald Trump is back in power in America. And it's all very... Did he get elected? It's all a bit scary because, you know, they keep just taking away all these rights of the child that, you know, we've really fought for.

And it was so weird to me how people who you presume know stuff sometimes can surprise you with a little bit and we all have ignorance about some things you know but this person who I was talking to you was like well I do think sex education is a bit much for like three and four-year-olds and I was like well what do you mean by that and because I was like because we what do you understand we clearly are seeing that the evidence is showing us that the more informed your children are, the more protected they are because they know when something is

happening that is wrong. And they were like, yeah, but it's a bit much, isn't it? Telling them. And I was like, oh, no, hang on a second. You think three and four year olds in school are being taught about actual intercourse. I was like, that's not what's happening. And it was really startling to me to think that there are grownups out there who think when they hear on the news that children are being taught about sex education, that they actually think the tiny little kids are being taught about.

S&M. Yeah. Yeah, sex dungeons. And I was saying to that person, no. You were explaining this to me that it's about what's private. What's private? What are my private parts? How this works? What, you know, my body? Yeah.

You know, socialization. You know, my boundaries. You know, like I was like. And is it that all across the board? Yeah, there's a curriculum like there's a it's it's been real. And I was really shocked at that. And I was like, all these parents who are up in arms, they obviously not internalized. I think these toddlers have been taught how to put on Johnny's.

Well, yeah, like, who knows? But it really is just about them knowing that they have private parts that are private to them and that no grown-up should ever ask to see them. Well, I'm going to ask you a question, right? I know that this isn't going to solve this for this, Mom, but we want to hear back and Tina will always help you work through it. The next thing I want to ask Tina about is when you're taking on a challenge this big, when is the best time to take that challenge on?

I mean, you've said this in terms of the toilet training. You've said this in terms of the 18 tapas, trying to get them to eat that like you got to pick your moment if you're going to launch into changing how the food is going to be served in the house Christmas. Isn't that time? I imagine it isn't the time to try and, you know, get your kid out and nappies or get your kid to sleep in their own bed. No. And it's it's not that time because your routine is gone.

How can you possibly set up a new one? So you need a kind of two week window, basically, of normality of kind of standard life. Jangri is a great time. Yeah, because everyone's in the mood for change in Jangri. Jangri is a great time. I mean, a lot of people mood for change in January. January's a great time. I mean, a lot of people are going to have to be resetting boundaries in January anyway. As parents, it's very hard to parent over Christmas. You've got so many relatives in your ear telling you what you're doing wrong, what you should be doing. Everyone has an opinion. I mean, it's a very,

very triggering time of year. Bedtime has changed beyond all recognition. You're in different houses. You're visiting lots of different people. There's different expectations. Every house you go to has a different expectation of how children should behave. I mean, it's really, really tricky. So, yeah, so for the for you think January is the way to go. That if you're going to do the toilet training, if you're going to go for something big, January. I think, yeah, if it's this time of year, if you're gonna do the toilet training, if you're gonna go for something big, January.

I think, yeah, if it's this time of year, if you're having a problem right now, I would say unless it's really impacting on your life terribly, just try and deal with it as much as you can, hold off till January, because whatever work you put in right now could just go out the window,

go over to Christmas, and then you're really screwed, because then you're doubling back on something that they, they'll have figured it out. They'll have figured out what you did the first time. In two weeks time, we'll have our final episode before Christmas. And that is obviously the go for this Christmas holidays. And I think that next episode should specifically be about

navigating this Christmas period, this holiday period, whatever you call it. So get your questions in on that if there is something that you're concerned about or worried about. honeyrenewerkid.gmail.com is the way to go. Obviously Christmas is a time when you're going to be reflecting on a lot of aspects of your family life, including the loss, the people that aren't going to be there this year. And my heart goes out to any family experiencing that. And our next question does relate to that. So if that is something that's triggering for you, maybe skip this and head over to Patreon and enjoy the extra section that's over there. Hi, Tina and Jareth. I Hi Tina and Jareth, I suppose. What an opening. I

mean I guess I've got to say hello to Jareth. I mean what a piece of baggage he is. You guys have been so helpful with the podcast, so many occasions and topics and have helped us personally with daycare drop off situation which has been a great success. So thank you so much for that. So we've already helped these people before, fantastic. Our current issue is something I know you've mentioned on the podcast before but a family member has spent the last year fighting an aggressive cancer and unfortunately has lost that battle and we're traveling home on Monday to be with him and the family for his last days. Before diagnosis this man was a

doting uncle always visiting us here and had a great time playing and bonding with our now three-year-old. She was two at the time but she was very fun and fond memories of him and we were in Ireland in the summer she got to see him just once as he was in hospital and she was a bit standoffish because of all the tubes and stuff. We have told her since that her uncle is very sick and that is why Mammy is upset sometimes. She is a very sensitive kid but also quite chatty and smart and she understands that he is quite sick. Now we're traveling back to Ireland to spend time with the family but wondering how we could broach the subject of death. She understands somewhat that things can die and we have seen crabs on the beach

and small wild animals etc. and never shied away from speaking about it on an age appropriate level but I know this will be a lot harder. We also need her to understand that everyone might be very sad and there'll be a lot of emotions. We have been doing a lot of work with emotions and feel she understands how she might feel different sometimes. Still, the sad feeling we speak about in the books and stories are generally more about someone is playing with the toy you want and not so much about the existential sadness of grief. Very, very astute point there. We have read the invisible string, one of the books that Tina always recommends,

the invisible string, you get that anywhere. But again, not in the context of family loss, although I know they mentioned that in the book. Thanks for reading this long email. Any advice on age appropriate discussion, preparing books books etc. would be appreciated. Thanks again. Yeah well I was just thinking there when you're reading that out and I always find it amazing when you know I've read these emails, I've gotten back to these people and then when you read it out I always think of something else. It's so funny just the

different voice reading it out and I did think sometimes parents of very young children need to prep themselves and or brace themselves is a better word for how black and white children can believe about this. They will often times you will not get the emotional response you're expecting because the better you are with leading it as it is, it's just something that happens. Your child will accept that and they won't understand, have the same feeling of grief as you are experiencing because they've accepted that the person they trust the most in their life has told them this happens. So they very much will be like, yeah, well, they died. This happens. People die.

They can be very kind of amazing creatures. Yeah, They can be very amazing creatures. Really? Yeah, they can be very accepting. Yeah, very accepting of the process and how this just happens. Yeah. And they don't sometimes think that, oh God, he's so cold. Yeah. But they just don't have the maturity yet to realize the, you know, the impact of that or what it really means, you know. And that's why with this parent, I did encourage them to, especially when they live away, to maybe when in time when the mom is able to make a memory book

for their kid, somewhere where the child can go to and open this book and have the opportunity to remember her uncle, talk about her uncle, talk about what happened to him and this time and had to come home to ireland now it's so strange being back in ireland having been away and these people are home this week. And this week in ireland i mean it's still got a lot of catholic prince everywhere in this country and it's remembrance week for all the people who have died. it's Remembrance Week for all the people who have died. And I mean, honestly, I think, you know, we're always saying Irish people deal with that very well, but sometimes I really, really think that's true. Like the way we were at awake last week, it was incredible. It was amazing.

Everyone sharing their memories, photos everywhere. It was really beautifully done. This week in our kids school, they have set up a memorial garden where they will talk about all the past students who have died and things they achieved while they were in school. I'm actually getting really emotional. Yeah, well, like it is emotional and it's beautiful. It is this practice of talking and remembering that person and celebrating them. But it's also the practice of ceremony. Yes. And the ceremony of ceremony. Yes.

And the ceremony that comes with loss. And how that person matters. To be honest, we've been at a few funerals lately and we went to this funeral of a very elderly lady. And you know, sometimes, no offense to priests, but they do phone it in, but this priest didn't. And it made such a difference. He really celebrated this woman and talked about things that she had achieved.

And, you know, it was very moving. It went a long way. But it's even just the going to the place and always having the place where we remember. I would think that that I'm not a child expert, but I do know that everything Tina's saying here, saying here watched play out. Yeah, and I think, you know, we have seen two cultures. We lived in England for 10 years where, unfortunately, people died and we had to go to funerals. And like sometimes, especially where we lived, they don't even tell the kid that something has happened.

That kid goes to school. And I was always so shocked because I come from a culture where, especially my family are West of Ireland, where we're all involved in the whole process and the wake and I would have sat by my granny and granddad's coffin and held their hand and I was just like, how do you think this kid isn't more worried? You're not telling them why you're acting so strange or where you went and where that person has gone. It was very odd that way. Remember, I know I've mentioned this a few times, but they didn't give me permission to take my kid out for my auntie's funeral.

I had to take him out and accept that he was going, now they didn't actually enforce the fine, that he was going, now they didn't actually enforce the fine, but it did go down as a un, what's the word I hadn't permitted. Unsanctioned. Yeah, unsanctioned. And I was like, who are you to decide how close you are to people? Like someone has died and I'm not going to hide that from my kids. Anyway, I'm totally against that. I did tell these people, like I tell anyone, Anyway, I'm totally against that. I did tell these people, like I tell anyone, be as honest as you can answer all your child and to your comfort level, like whatever feels comfortable with you,

that's the appropriate response to your child right now. And they will know that they're getting the most honest version of you. I mean, it's a very hard thing to talk about, but it's OK to whatever questions they come at you with, it is absolutely OK to give them the most honest answer you can back. Well, Tina, I think you've nailed it. Well, I hope that poor family is OK, because, you know, we don't know if this man has passed, but he was definitely due to pass this week. And we are thinking of you guys and anyone who's lost somebody. And of course, as Tina said the

invisible string is the book that she mentions yeah it's an incredible what is the other one no matter what is a beautiful book oh my god I'm getting so sad no matter what's good luck reading that one yeah I've never been able to read that without absolutely bursting into tears but it's magical in terms of explaining how love goes on and that it doesn't die. And don't forget, it's very important for your child to see grownups crying and having emotions. There is no shame in crying. They're expressing how they feel. And it is okay for you to say, well, that person is crying because they're sad. All of us need education on grief.

Like it isn't just like even if you're saying that to your kids, that the one podcast that I adore is the grief cast. If you haven't listened to it and if you are going through grief, you need to discover this podcast. There's various people talking about different situations and how they came through it, how they learned to make space for their grief and that it would come in waves at times and how they greeted it as a friend in some situations where they were like, oh, this is this is my opportunity to remember this person in that way. All of that stuff I have not prepared for.

And I was I was grief cast that educated me on it. It's available everywhere. Lovely to recommend a really cool podcast like that. And for you as a grown up being the parent, if this is the parenting podcast, you yourself might need the education on grief. Yeah, like it's a very unique thing to everyone. Like, I mean, our kid was born on the 23rd of November, which is the same day my auntie passed away. And he's very aware since when he was a baby that he has brought joy to that day, back into that day for my dad.

And he said, God, I'm so emotional today. But like, you know, I don't think there's anything wrong with the fact that on his birthday, Mikey always knows that there is somebody who died on this day. I was born on this day and somebody else died on this day. And that, you know, he has made this day a happy day again for people who are very sad. He certainly did. It was a very, very stressful day as well. It was a stressful day for us because he wanted a very low key birthday, which actually is harder than a planned birthday

Yeah, but you know what we had a real breakthrough there Yeah, I might talk about that in the extra stuff over on patreon if you've got a teenager and you're worried about well What am I allowed to do this Christmas? Mom stop We have a couple of Revelations that emerged across this birthday that you might want to hear over on patreon.com forward slash Irishman abroad It's how we fund the show how we continue to make the show is through our loyal members over there Marion McKeown podcast the Irishman in America is still gonna keep going

We've decided to keep it going as this madness in America still continues How do we make sense of it all while Marion McKeown is how we do that? And of course Sanyo Sullivan will be back with the Irishman running abroad as we prepare for the Cove 10 mile road race. Sonia is at the moment sifting through your entries for those that want to be coached by her in the squad. But that's all to be explained over on patreon.com forward slash Irishman abroad.

Tina, I'll see you over there in a minute for the extra bit of this. Thank you so much.