Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - How To Talk To Your Kid About Death, Eating Disorders In Small Kids & Pittakionophobia - S2E22

Episode Date: February 26, 2024

Boy do we have a banger of an episode for you. Not only have we three great questions, we also have advice on what questions you should ask your kids to get them to reflect and open up to you.Question 1.Phobias, we all have one - don't we? If you don’t, well well done on your mental health and/or living in denial. This week a mother gets in touch about her daughter’s phobia of stickers. Tina knows only too well the hell of pittakionophobia. She has suffered with it for years. Maybe you are dealing with it too. Listen and maybe get in touch with your ideas to how to move through a phobia with a small child.Question 2.Eating disorders are so scary and as parents we all have the responsibility of feeding our kids but also keeping a watchful eye for any dysfunctional thinking around food. How do we teach our kids about fuelling? How do we help our children to be happy and at home in their miraculous individual bodies? Where do we go for help if and when we need it? We absolutely recommend going to your doctor and seeking a referral if you feel like you need that.Question 3.When a loved one suddenly passes how do you help your kids cope with their grief while you manage your own? What do you share, how do you share? We think you just try and be as open and honest as possible. Find your comfort level. Allow them to be part of the funeral celebration, try not to exclude them from the mourning, instead help them feel part of the goodbye.If you have questions ping them into [e-mail]'s even more of this episode and all our episodes on www.patreon.com/irishmanabroad - pop over and see what you're missing. This week Tina follows up on a previous email and we get to hear the most imporatant question you will ever ask your child.

do you ever stumble across an article and you think to yourself oh my god this is the article i've been looking for forever i stumbled across a piece this week about the six questions you should ask your kid really yeah you're gonna love these kept i like the surprises that's how i'm starting every podcast now. Last week you were like, you changed the notes. Yep, I'm flipping it up. There's no predictability on this podcast, just like parenting. Tina hates surprises of all sorts.

But what she hates more? Rats. Don't bring up the rat again. You may have heard this on other Irish Man of Bro podcast, but a rat was discovered in our studio here. It makes us sound so grubby, but we live in the middle of nowhere. We are country bumpkins.

And apparently no one around here is that shocked or appalled at a rat being anywhere. But I was sitting on the couch really quiet. It was really quiet in the office because Jarlett was away in England. And I was just typing up notes replying to emails and then i felt a presence it felt like a ghost i felt like someone was watching me and i looked down and under the telly there was a rat and i i creased myself

trying to get out of the office i fell into a chair i was screaming so loud i thought i'd lost my voice i i ran into the wall i couldn't open the door i'm screaming so so loudly well i'm shaking i'm just hysterically you know i remember somebody asking somebody why they were afraid of flying and they were like you're in a tube in the sky yeah and i was like yeah that makes sense but the rat one i'm like what is what are you afraid he's gonna do he's gonna jump up and grab onto my neck and swing out of my neck with his fangs and give me rabies or the plague yeah and have you seen this oh it was so gross but anyway i had to call him my dad because darlick't around, you were away and he eventually came and had a look around and

then put the cat the farm cat into the office who did fuck all, nothing then hilariously Jarlett heard talk that they had let down poison in the office but actually it was the cat litter and

Jarlett said there's an awful big bowl of poison in there and it was like a big basin of cat how much rat poison do they need for this thing because you told me it was the size of a cat in the country yeah we had cats and i'm a townie i don't see rats and um anyway unfortunately the rat did come to a terrible end. But the size of that thing, it was huge. And now I cannot relax. Now, while we're recording the podcast, I'm the whole time looking under the table, checking the shelf, because I'm convinced the rat's going to be here.

And just because I grew up being called Roland Rat every single day because my name is Tina Roland does not mean I like them. Tina, this couldn't come at a better time because we have a question this week about phobias what do you do when your kid's afraid of something that makes no sense like it doesn't make sense to be afraid of rats it doesn't it makes perfect sense they're gross that's what they will eat you they will not eat you they will again they would the rat's more afraid of you no he's not he not. He was not afraid. He was like, get out of my office. I've got a podcast to do here later. He was not.

I can't relax. I'm literally, if we had cameras on us right now, all I'm doing the whole time is flinching. Looking under the table. But it is a problem that your kid can develop some weird phobia around something silly. Such as stickers. I don't like when people call phobias weird. Everyone's allowed to have one and people should just be nice to them about it. Well, they're irrational fears. That's the definition. I don't like when people call phobia is weird everyone's allowed to have one and people should just be nice well they're irrational fears that's the definition i think you know

everyone has their thing and just be kind i think but they don't make sense they make sense anxiety doesn't have to make complete sense it's your feelings aren't wrong but when your kid has a phobia that is actually preventing you on behaving as a family normally taking part in things having to exclude yourself from the world then it starts to become very annoying yeah very dumb like you you're being really harsh and looking at me a lot here because you know that I was the king of phobias. I had so many phobias as a kid. I was not afraid of things. I was always terrified of things.

Dogs are completely rational. Totally rational, I think. Dogs way more than anything else. Yeah, but people used to have to, like, I had to get carried into people's houses who had a dog. I was convinced a dog was going to attack me at all times. And again, you'd reason for this. We'll get to that later. I can't bring up the other thing because you know it makes me feel sick.

What's the other thing? Vampires. Oh my God, I am afraid of vampires too. That's an irrational fear of something that doesn't exist. I'm afraid of everything she assumes that other people are vampires that's the phobia that's not she thinks that if i look at her sideways during a vampire scene she has to cover her neck what was the other one you're gonna say i am afraid of anything that has the potential to bite. Anything? Yeah, I don't like biting.

I don't like teeth. Teeth, right. Fear of teeth. I do. Dent eye. Oh my God, my dentist hates me. Yeah. And I was...

Tina grabs them by the hands, like you would somebody who's in a fit of rage. You grab them by the wrists. Tina does that with her dentist all the time. And he's tightening my brace my brace he hates me i don't need to see you every two months anymore come back in a year well we've got a ton of great questions to get through now the best way to contact us is honey you're ruining our kid at gmail.com tina's the one with the expertise if this is your first episode tina's 20 years of experience working with kids with severe behavioral issues at all levels montessori level upwards so there's nothing she hasn't seen and hasn't fixed say fixed you're trying to just move through it right you're trying to help people through the behavior you're trying to find out the other side it's about coping it's

about coping mechanisms and helping your child to interact with the world in a happier way you know knowing how to prepare the environment for them and help them understand their surroundings so we've got the phobias question coming up then what what's after that tina we got a uh the oh my god i see marathon training gets a mention here in the notes that i'm driving tina crazy i'm training for the london city marathon at the moment and the training is really ramping up she caught me the sin of all sins a parent being found on a bed taking a rest while the other parent is busting their butt i wasn't i wasn't uh against marathon training until this year and i just feel like we're away so much and then when you're here you're away then running i'm just like oh it's getting it's wearing thin on me but i get it you want to run for a long time and i'm raising money for kidney care uk

yes you would like to support me we'll put the link in the bio we also yeah we also are talking about um children when they're mourning a loss and also body dysmorphia. Right. A lot of tough, tough questions. A lot of tough topics. And of course, I want to get to those six questions you need to ask your kids. You're going to love this. So all of these questions from the article are from parenting experts and psychologists.

Don't read over my shoulder. If I have a phobia, it's you reading over my shoulder when I'm doing a thing. I've written a thing. Tina, come over, read over my shoulder and point at errors that are in it while I'm reading it. That's a phobia. Right. That's not a phobia. So one of the questions they recommend you ask your kid is

if you were a parent what rules would you set for screens that's a great isn't it brilliant because then it's like you get that we don't like being the cops also it offers them a chance to reflect on why you're putting rules in place and how would they do it and then chances are they'll probably come up with a better idea. Yeah, than your one. Stella O'Malley, she's the author of What Your Teen Is Trying To Tell You. She says, turn the tables and let them think about an issue, about the issue from another angle.

What I usually find is that the child is naturally far more sensible than the parent expects they're going to be yeah often your child has actually taken much more from what you've been telling them then you might have realized parents tend to underestimate the influence they have on their kids that's brilliant isn't that great that's brilliant a real positive start to the show yeah i love that now let's get dug into question number one tina and jared this is my favorite podcast great to hear thank you guys for making it i bloody love it and so do all my friends i thought she's gonna say so do all my kids it's not really meant for kids but no it's

meant for you to be your guilty little pleasure after drop drop off I have a bizarre question. Not really sure if you guys can help. My child is afraid of stickers. We might have more knowledge of this than you realize. Yeah. I don't know what to do. As it turns out, stickers are bloody everywhere. He feels physically sick when he sees them and acts really irrationally until they are out of

sight how can i help him cope is this a flag for something else please say you can help me thank you so much for this podcast i honestly don't know what how I parented without it. Anonymous. Now, you have no idea when this email came in how much Tina must have been like, I thought I was alone in the world. I haven't got back to this mom yet. Well. Because I can't. Tina can't even talk about this. This is going to be a tricky one because she has the very same phobia yeah not just if it extends to labels

as in like clothing oh god charlotte this is too much but tina these are pieces of cloth like the clothes yeah i hate them but if we were to just for a minute i'm sure this mom has tried to explain that that is just adhesive paper it doesn't matter because that's not what it is it is oh my god that's so it's adhesive paper is what it is but that's not what the fear is the texture it's the stickiness it's knowing that someone else has stuck that to it and why is that gross because it's like there's already been hands on this and there's been stickiness and it's just so gross and then they break or they break off and they stick to other things and then sometimes you'll wear a jumper and you'll be like oh my god there's stick on my elbow and my one of my favorite people in the world lucy the other day

posted a picture on instagram of her kids covered ined in them. And I actually vomited. I was like, that is disgusting. And you've not got help over this. I've gotten so much better. By the sounds of it. I've gotten so much better. When I was a kid, I would vomit all the time. If I went into a shop and there was price tags on things,

I would actually, the repulsion would come up in my mind. I've gotten a lot better. I mean, I... So it is irrational, though. But you agree on that. Look, I know. I'm not proud of it. I don't tell people

because when you tell people, people are horrible and they do shitty things like put stickers on yourself. But it's so funny the dividing lines that you have. Like, right now you're in a room with a lot of things

that are adhesive. I can't. And you have like right now you're in a room with a lot of things that are adhesive i can't i have and you have no problem with that what do you mean adhesive well they're bound to the things they're on you know what but i'm just saying that like for to just for a moment pull back and be like yeah but you're about to make my phobia worse you're about to explain to me that everything's a sticker broad enough. Everything's a sticker, yeah. Yeah. But, like, I'm really interested to know how you're going to advise this parent because you yourself haven't gotten through this. The only thing is that I really, look,

I thought I was the only one in the world with this. And then a few years ago, a little guy came into my class who had the same thing. And I mean, reacted the exact same way I would have reacted to like I'm a teacher who's never had stars or stickers in the classroom because I'm like disgusting why would we do that and when kids come in with them on their lunch boxes I do a practical life lesson how to wash them off get rid of those things I cannot cope but with him I really felt like I had to help him know that everyone has something strange that they don't like and it's okay but we have to learn how to cope with it now I have learned a little bit how to cope with it in that I avoid everything I'm joking I'm not sure how to help this one because it's so tough and if it's

the same level as me like when we go into a shop that has price tags on the food I can't buy anything in that shop no matter how hungry I am because if I tried to eat a bar of chocolate that had a price tag on it all I would taste in my mouth is a feel a sensation of chocolate that had a price tag on it. All I would taste in my mouth is a sensation of price tags. And I would have that feeling inside me for a long time. And I can't get rid of it. It's just disgusting. I've gotten way better at labels. There was a time when if I saw a label or

I felt a label against me, I would feel like the labels were coming out of my mouth so what's your first everyone's gonna think i'm crazy what's your first memory of it uh i don't know my mother said i was always like this and at its center it is hygiene there's something yeah there's something i don't like about the fact that someone has put this here. And there's been other touching of it. As you said, it's a sensory. Yeah, I don't like the feeling. I don't like imagining how it might feel. And I don't like the feeling of it against me. It's the texture.

And I'm not so bad with labels now. I mean, I'm able to talk about it. This is something I would not have been able to do. But do you remember when it's done stories with Saint Bernard's I couldn't cope with those labels

I love that you didn't call it Bernard oh that would have been full American Saint Bernard's nobody remembers that everyone remembers

Saint Bernard but Saint Bernard oh my god was it Saint Bernard's it sounds so much fancier Saint Bernard's it's done stories I fancier. St. Bernard's. St. Bernard's.

I couldn't. Even now. Isn't that terrible? Even now I feel the retching. What about it? Those labels that used to be on their clothes. I couldn't cope with those at all. Tina, we're not making a whole lot of progress here.

I know. I'm so sorry. That was awful. This mom is just going i got it i don't know what to say i guess i wished as i got older that someone had said to me it's okay like instead i was made feel awful about this and it made it really worse because i was so ashamed how were you made because everyone's like what the hell is wrong with you? It's just a sticker. Who's everyone? Teachers, my parents, you know. They're like, what the hell is wrong with you? It's just a sticker.

I mean, it's so tough. And then I remember there was this boy in my class who heard about it and then he took the label off his jumper and stuck it to his forehead and sometimes I still dream about that. It was so horrible. So, I would say, is your first port of call someone like a therapist, a child therapist?

No, I don't think you need that. All I think that this child needs is for you to say, everyone has their thing. This is okay. You don't like stickers or labels. That's okay. But unfortunately, they're everywhere. So you're going to have to learn to cope with them. And you're going to have to learn to be able to touch them

and then scrub that off your body. So it's called pitta chianophobia. There's actually a name for it. Pitta chianophobia. Pitta chianophobia. Extremely rare phobia and one that one can get in the way of everyday life for example think of all the price labels in some supermarkets address labels for those uh that can't be avoided i mean, this is they're saying that this thing like Tina, you're very special. I'm very special. So is this kid.

That's a nice thing to tell your kid, too. It's very rare, but it does exist. And I mean, like, what's fun that I found as I got older is the idea that there's someone out there who loves stickers and labels. There's a complete opposite of you. I mean, there's people who actually buy label makers really what is wrong with what crazy people want to know their stuff it's especially like i think working in early years has helped me a lot because kids are

fucking obsessed with stickers and you have no choice articles in the daily mail from a 19 year old girl who said that she couldn't wrap presents because of this phobia yeah like i find all that stuff a bit hard to cured by hypnotherapy that's how she got it rid of it would you be inclined to hypnotize your kid if the phobia was so bad that it meant that the family were having difficulty leaving the house um well i mean that is extreme i mean well then i mean you have to do whatever it takes i mean like i definitely needed more help when i was a kid about this i think it was traumatic for me to go to do the shop okay so here's what they say perhaps the main reason for this particular phobia is that this particular phobia is so little acknowledged is because people suffering from the fear of stickers have a sense of abnormality or shame and wrongly believe that they're the only one with this particular issue, just like you did, right?

But that's what I mean about this mom right telling your kid it's okay right so because of this those who have it are afraid and afraid of stickers or sticky labels they feel foolish and become reluctant to talk about it to others yeah well i've never remain largely and also you know why you don't tell other people because they will be horrible and put stickers on you that's what happens they think it's hilarious to get a gold star and put on your forehead. And you're like, that's not funny. You've just ruined my life for ten years. The real problem, it says here, is that most of those suffering from the fear of stickers simply do not know that an effective treatment is available.

Really? Wouldn't this be amazing if we somehow as a project on this podcast. Yeah. Cured you. I don't think it's OK to surprise me with like a treatment plan for me. if we somehow, as a project on this podcast, Yeah. cured you. I don't think it's okay to surprise me with, like, a treatment plan for me. Tina, I am not dumb enough to know, after 24 years, and it was our anniversary on Saturday, thank you,

24 years knowing you, Yeah. that you will do as you please. Cheeky. I'm not going to convince you of anything right so let's look at what the causes are first where does it come from actual causes of it are really down to the individual so whatever this is with your kid don't don't worry about that it's just it's just particular personality right a personality, some would say. Some people think that it's because there's a fear that there's a danger associated with the sticker,

that the sticker was put on there. But people are actually afraid of the sticker. So that's not you. You don't fall into that category. No, I'm repulsed. So this would have happened early on. This kid had some experience with the sticker so that's not you you don't fall into that category um so this would have happened early on this kid had some experience with the sticker being scary to them uh so that probably is a bit easier to handle right such an experience may have happened directly as a result of a traumatic experience involving a sticker maybe having one stuck over their mouth i don't

mean to be unhelpful but okay let am fine. Could you use a different word? Let's get to the treatment. The good news is that there's a real and effective relief to this. Now, this again, I don't want people to be listening to this and going, well, stop talking about this one particular phobia. This is application for all the phobias that your kid might have. With advanced transformational hypnotherapy, so they are recommending hypnotherapy

for this it's possible to reach back and uncover the origin of the phobia and once this is accomplished we can simply neutralize the incorrect belief that has been installed in the subconscious that stickers or sticky labels mean danger and it needs uh triggering the anxiety now i don't know tina like that does sound like your other phobia is the dogs right let's go talk about that it's much easier to talk about yeah i feel bad so your dog experience you know was a traumatic i was attacked by a dog yeah you're attacked by a dog and you're putting a pen with a dog at one point yeah and then another time a dog jumps on your back yeah right so what the hypnotherapist does goes back and brings you there to be kind to me i have really come a long way with my fear of dogs okay well done now you have yeah but if you

want to get it rooted out completely yeah then i i i would be inclined to agree here that you're going to need to go down some sort of path to helping them get right deep into what actually is it yeah okay you need a profession for that fair enough you say that but honestly my my instinct on this was if someone had just told me when I was little it's okay this is okay so what you find these reports of

there's somebody out there who has something else it's not that big a deal not you're a fucking idiot yes like why are you getting sick something ridiculous yeah

and like it was something I was ashamed of I absolutely never told anyone I mean Jarlett's been with me for a long time so he's witnessed the absolute oh my god i cannot and i've been dumb enough to try and make a joke of it too yeah a couple of times also i worked in a news agents for a very long time where i had to handle a sticker gun there are so many ways you can cope with things it is just moving through and coping but i if someone put a sticker on something i owned

that would repulse me even still okay hon but we are trying to help you're still talking about it i don't like them i'm not sure how helpful this is sorry i'm so sorry i have not gotten back to this mother because i was like i can't talk about this well i think that the help that's been provided here today in this chunk of the show is that having listened to you they definitely know they're not alone and also they know no shame let's talk about it let's talk about it the fact that you're having a dialogue about it is great yeah like i think telling them

you know there is a cure or it's just like you can be cured that's fine because sure it's okay fine hon but like you do you are not helping your kid going it's grand to be afraid of sealing fans i'm sorry you are actually because you know what happens when you don't no no no no no no you are you totally disagree dude can you listen you are because what happens when you don't no no no no no you are you totally disagree dude can you listen you are because what happens when you say oh my god that's crazy that's gross what are you doing is that kid stays quiet keeps it all in and the whole thing gets bigger and bigger where yeah i've suggested that if you are in significant enough difficulty to email a show run by a comedian and a woman with 20 years experience, all credit to you. Yeah.

The phobia that you might be dealing with is encumbering your family life and you're worried for your kid. I think you're right. Do not other them. Do not put shame upon them. They're probably already feeling isolated by it. Actually telling them what you said is it's normal but if you want to get rid of it we can yeah i get that and like jared people take for granted like stickers are everywhere when she says that she's not joking like when you're a child you're rolling your eyes at me that's so unfair i'm not rolling my eyes but hon you're still buried in how serious this is okay okay we need to pull the lens out and go

that like it's not just stickers there's kids that are afraid of balloons there's kids that are afraid of flowers yes because they're actually afraid of well we know this bees they see a bee they'll run into traffic yes you know for some parents these phobias are legitimately terrifying for them because they're worried the kid will harm themselves when presented with the well now now that you have said other things so funny okay of course i know how to cope with that. Jack, stickers are crazy. They're everywhere. Could you just stop using that word, please? If a child is presenting with phobia of bees and flowers, and like you just said, I'm sorry, my advice would be the exact same.

Talk about it. Tell them about phobias. Explain to them why, you know, there are so many people who have fears of different things. But unfortunately, we have to find a way to cope with it. This will take time. We're going to practice this together. That is the only advice I have for a little kid who's going through that stuff.

And I'm so sorry to this mom that when we were talking about the other thing, I let my neurosis overflow understood but i am trying very hard when it comes to that stuff i cannot it is something i've learned to live with but i i always worry about people hearing about it and then ruining my life okay next one of these questions that you need to ask your kid they say here that like they're just tired of being asked the same stuff so if you feel like your kid isn't talking to you about stuff which a lot of people do like i used to say they're they make amazing secret agents because they're so tight-lipped and it's trying to change the questions so that it sparks

the interest um like one of them was what's the best way for someone to lose their virginity this is obviously a question for a teen but like i do not know i guess that's a that's a strange question I'm not there yet that's a strange question when I was your age I was more lonely than anyone I knew is there anything going on in your life that no one knows about now I did this question the other day

where I said I'm going to tell you one thing that nobody knows that I'm going to tell you one thing that nobody knows that I'm concerned about right now, and then will you tell me one of yours? I'll obviously never reveal what was said, but I was obviously concerned about Tina's fear of stickers. Oh, God, Charlie, just relax. I just watched the feeling of it out of my mouth how could you do that to me i told you this is why i don't talk about it okay sorry but it worked

it worked and according to the piece again o'malley is a big one on opening yourself up a bit and i've obviously i know there's a years gone by that if you're gonna get somebody to talk you have to be willing to share some of you yeah this is what i was saying to you last night that you're it's the relating to them in a very open way right to be open back yeah yeah um so she says another tip is to use the acronym WAIT. Why am I talking? So that's the acronym. I'm joking.

I'm joking. Cut that out. So she says don't rush to fill the silences. Yeah, that's a hard one. That is hard. I'm being so careful not to rush to fill the silence here. Just don't bombard your child with your, inverted commas, wisdom. Well, yeah.

No way to stop talking. Give them the space and leave yourself out. Except when it's helpful. That's a kind of unlocking piece of wisdom. Yeah, that's amazing. that we could all learn from. I feel like I need to tattoo that on the inside of my arm. So the acronym is WAIT. WAIT.

Why am I talking? Ooh. And how many times do you find yourself in a spiral of, and you know, when I was your age and you just feel like i can't stop talking and then they're just the moments passed or they're like whatever i'm not going to tell you but what weight is brilliant for is that if you are in a marriage and there's two parents that's a good code for the other parent to use and that other parent to know or i'm talking too much again yeah and it

could actually help in your own romantic relationship as well let's get to question number two i'm too traumatized to do this okay oh uh let's let's do this okay hi tina and jar now this is a tough one so trigger here. We are going to be talking about body dysmorphia and weight issues here. Okay. My 14-year-old son thinks he's overweight. I don't know what to do. He's skin and bone.

He has started restricting his food intake. I also caught him emptying his dinner from his jean pockets into the toilet. Holy shit. I knew he was being way conscious, but I think we have a serious problem here. What do I do?

Really hoping you guys can help me. Sorry for such a serious question, but I'm actually worried sick about this. Well, you would be worried sick and i've been reading and popping up in my new in my insta feed actually a lot is that there is an actual significant problem with young men between the ages of 12 and 15 embody dysmorphia is that how you say? Sorry, it just sounded really strange for a second. And that they're trying to actually get parents to be aware it's not just your daughters, of course, that this is a real, there's actual real pressure on young boys now to look like

little athletes from a very, very young age. You're expected to have these toned, broad shoulders and the flat stomachs. I heard discussion around this, encouraging like GA clubs and clubs to just make the gear less tight fitting. Yes, yes. That was one of the ones we watched, actually, about the jerseys and how inappropriate these jerseys are because the rugby jerseys and the football jerseys are because the rugby jerseys and

the football jerseys are all really tight it's the opposite back in my day yeah 90s football jerseys were like tents but apparently this the impact of these tight jerseys has been that boys are terrified of having any lumps or bumps while wearing them because they get ridiculed by the other boys on the team, you know, or they get grabbed and pinches and all this stuff. And it is so terrifying and also so strange that we always associate eating disorders with the female. When, of course, it's going to affect the male just the same way. Well, what do we do with this particular story here i mean yeah she's got a boy who's very very slim as it is but she's discovered

him behaving very strangely around food well first of all i think you have to try and help your child become educated about why we have to fuel our body, what the food is for, where the food goes. Remind them of the different processes within the body where the food is needed for and how then the waste does come out. You know, everything that's not needed. Also, fueling in terms of energy and if they are active and doing sports they're not going to be able to maintain this level of um can i throw a curveball in here yes sometimes it's possible that the food that's being served in the house isn't that healthy. Yeah. So you have to rethink.

To a degree, they have a point that if you're like these kids are so conscious of nutrition already. Well, they're so educated in terms of. Yes, true. So it starts in early years. What did we eat when I was a kid we had we had a great diet I'll credit to my mother

she mixed it up a lot but like Finda's crispy pancakes oh I loved them where have they gone I don't know but I want what the fuck were they

I don't know but I kind of want there was that orange shit around them I don't know this is like when Rob Heffernan said easy singles bite and now we've

been eating easy singles these remember those slabs of honestly cheese in a plastic they're addictive because every time i put them on a waffle i'm like rob heffernan they're so good though like i find that sometimes when i hear kids or I witness kids choosing healthier options, I'm like, well, like you're going to have to look at your house diet, too. You know, so you want to make foods where it's like you get that the more of this you eat, the better. Yes. And I do agree that there is an element. There is a responsibility on parents now, people our age, to re-educate themselves when it comes to the plate. Like we were brought up thinking you have to have potatoes or a carbohydrate on the plate.

Or if you didn't finish it, you're ungrateful. Yeah. And we definitely have to take the stress. I always say try and have no pressure at the table. That's why Tina's tapas are so great because that is just so pressure free that is just a child being allowed to fill their plate as much or as little as they want and you they're going to eat something and you know they're okay I don't believe in ever having rules on the cupboards or the fridge if your kid's hungry let them eat what is the harm this is serious though because there's a problem

here now and she's going to have to break this pattern and the only way she can do that is talking to her child about it without getting upset so first of all get to a place where you're not going to get angry or sad with that kid while you talk about this educating them on what the food is for and saying look if you were throwing that food in the toilet because you were too full and you couldn't eat anymore, that's OK. You don't have to finish your plate. Just tell me or just leave it there. I'm not going to make you do it.

And if you don't like it, you don't have to eat it. OK, because it's all about honesty, though. Yeah. Like, isn't this we need a family meeting here? Yeah. Around honesty, because it's incredibly dishonest to hide your food in your pockets. But you have to be so careful, Dara, when it comes to eating, because if you had a family meeting like this, it's so big. You have to keep it kind of small, low key.

Say things like, I get that you didn't like that. Let's just let's just not make that anymore. And if you're too full, just leave the stuff on the plate rather than throw it away. Also, my main thing involve them in the cooking get them to learn how to make a few dishes get them to be prouder of the process prouder of the product and just get them involved in the whole thing let them see the respect you should have for a dish. I was terrible. The story that gets told in Tina's house all the time is about her getting up from the table as a kid. I'm really going to be painted so badly in this episode.

Let me finish the story. Okay. The story, I mean, you know the way every house has their stories that get told again and again and again. This is my only story. This is one that gets told again and again tina got up from the table at what age three three yeah i was three years old oh my god that's what makes this story so bad she went to the bin with her plate while everyone was eating their dinner yeah and i guess autopiloted yeah because every tipped the whole thing in the bin. I was such a slow eater.

Now, remember the age I was? Three. Barely. Geraldine wasn't around yet, my sister. So barely three. Geraldine's gone to sleep while I tell this story. Very nice. I've heard it so many times.

Well, if you've heard it so many times, you didn't remember it, did you? Every day they left me on my own. I went into the sitting room. They left you there? Yeah. A three-year-old at the table. A three-year-old. You were basically still in a high chair.

So long eating my dinner, they'd give up and go in and watch deli. So every night I'd wait a little while and then I'd empty my plate into the bin and put it in the sink. And I was doing it so often that one night I got up from the table and did it forgetting that everyone was still in the room.

What were they thinking? But leaving a three-year-old. So every time they tell that story, I'm like, but you guys were leaving me on my own every night. You were getting so bored of how long I was taking, you'd leave me by myself. Why were you taking so long? I didn't like the food.

Right. And that, to me, is at the centre of this. Your advice to get the kid involved in the cooking is brilliant. Not only does it make them a stakeholder, like last week when we were talking about kids not willing to work in the home and do chores, if they're more part of it and they see the process involved, they're much more likely to appreciate it when it is dished up.

Yes. But also just appreciate what's going in. in yeah we do want our kids to respect food because you're incredibly privileged if you have a full plate on your table in the evening you're privileged now look this mom has a worry here if none of this works i do think you should call your doctor too i think go on to jigsaw have a look at what resources they have online in terms of helping you cope with this but there is a chance that you will need to be referred to a specialized dietitian because if this is what you're seeing in the home yeah what else is happening you need to get on top of this

early because you know you don't food disorders can go very very bad very fast very fast yeah and you don't you don't want that to happen so i would always recommend go go to your doctor as well right so next question here out of this piece okay questions you should be asking your kids and i guess these are more for teenagers but they're really helpful tools and reminders sometimes you just need to be reminded of the vocab isn't it um this one i think this one relates to concern if your kid is if you're worried your kid's anxious so two of them right okay how do you feel about what's happening to our planet is a is a broad question that might you might think but you know i think it does give you an insight into how switched on they are. Yeah, and how much they care.

So they say teenagers are thinking lots about climate change and we might not even be aware of it. You're being told the world is ending and there's wars happening all over the gap. And the pandemic and germs and everything. So this writer says that many of them are terrified about what's happening and they're not saying it to you like that's that's a that that is a question that i was like whoa whoa yeah well you do we've grown up with the ongoing ice caps polar bears Polar bears, sea levels, ozone layer. Polar bears going extinct. Oh, no. I know.

So it can be quite helpful to just talk through, you know, how you don't need to be afraid. She says we need to take action. This is a very serious situation, but you don't want your child to be fearful the whole time that we're on the verge of extinction which if you were to listen to or be in the wrong algorithm you'd be led to believe that yeah you know you're better off not moving from wherever you are and everything you do is is making it worse yeah good in the car yeah using electricity i think this is one of those questions where i was totally caught off guard by it if you haven't talked to your kid about the question is what do you feel about what's happening to our planet yeah that's really

interesting because you do hear teenagers saying what's the point a lot and like if you have an impending sense of doom all the time you would feel what's the point you know so you were a middle child right and how do you think that affected you uh i think it made me amazing i think uh i don't know. I never really reflected on that. I think I was forgotten about. I'm joking. It definitely has an impact. I liked being, I don't think I'm quite independent. And I think that was because I was a middle child. Whereas I was the teeny weeny baby.

The afterthought, as I've been told. Oh, Charlotte. Many times. thought as i've been told many times um but like i definitely wanted many things including attention and here we are sound comedian trying to make absolute strangers laugh every single night of the week uh on tour at the moment jigsaw.com forward slash dates but the final question is how might life have been different if you'd been the oldest youngest middle or had siblings this is a big old question that like if you're struggling to chat to your kid this is a great question because it's a alternative universe question yeah like it is it is really hard to know isn't it like you just be a different person

completely different person oh yeah yeah so o'malley again the woman who wrote that brilliant book that i mentioned earlier says that you have to be ready here that your kid is going to have a good old bitch yes for the first bit of this so don't get put off by that uh they just have to be able to let that out how it would have been easier it would have been better this will get any kid talking she says this question will always work and remember you're not looking to get anything out of the conversation or any of these conversations what it's about is encouraging self-reflection there shouldn't be a goal per se yeah and i think that's super important i think we've been focusing on that a bit more ourselves in terms of just getting

them to reflect yeah and just not all chats having and that's why you need to work harder at school but you know what she said there about allowing them to have the little bitch that's what i'm always talking about in the family meetings. Only have one if you're ready to have your children say things you don't agree with and not react to them. Because sometimes they just need to let it out. Yeah, so the book that I've been recommending everyone with a tween or a preteen or a teen is How to Listen So That Your Kids will talk and how to talk so that your kids will listen yeah you nearly finished that yeah and honestly what you've just said is at the center of it that we tend to come in with words this thing of allow the silence to be there to come in with

words to fill the space uh i've been using the sounds method so much with our little lad 13 years old and just going is incredibly powerful yeah i've really noticed a change let's get to our final question okay it isn't super fun but it is one that we've had on the show before and kind of needs to be revisited doesn't it yeah i think so it's around grief jardith and tina i'm a long time listener first time emailer my mother-in-law has suddenly passed away this week on sunday she went for a nap and just didn't get up and we're all devastated but my eight-year-old is especially sad her nanny minded her every single day after school before i can even remember she has stopped talking completely she hasn't uttered a word since this happened and i do not know what to do any advice would be amazing anonymous oh well that's really sad

first of all we're so sorry for your loss that is really sad i'm sorry i'm totally crying after that but um completely normal the reaction is eight-year-old's having. First of all, she's in shock. She's not prepared for this at all. And we completely take for granted that, you know, your kids might not be aware that people die, and they die suddenly, and that they're gone. And there's a lot for her to process here, an awful lot.

And she isn't talking because she doesn't know how to talk about it. Or what to say. Or what to say. So as hard as that is to understand, I would encourage you to go on walks, bring her on journeys in the car, give her opportunities where there is a space to talk. But also respect the fact that she might just need some quiet for a little while while she understands but it's important that you explain things to her you're gonna need to explain you know dying otherwise the the fear is that she will become afraid that other people are going to die suddenly too. Is this the amount from Ireland, Tina? I have no idea. Because obviously other countries, the process through which they go through,

the grieving and the, I guess, the processes of burying somebody are much slower abroad. I do think, yes, you know what? And there's pros and cons to that. Sometimes in Ireland, it's too fast. Too quick. The person's gone too fast. We were having dinner last Sunday. Now it's the following Sunday.

We're having dinner again. And they've been buried. Nanny's not here. Yeah, and they've already been buried. Yeah, sometimes it's just too fast. I did used to find it. Like in England, sometimes it's too long. Too long.

Sometimes you're thinking, oh my God, that person is still in the morgue. But then the family are actually able to process things at the funeral. But you know what? I do believe that in Ireland and in families who follow this tradition around the world, there is something amazing about the way children are involved in the waking and the funeral. And people who are keeping that tradition up, it's actually a really healthy process for your child. And if this person is able, maybe that person's already gone now and I'm probably a bit late with this advice but if something like this happens in your family it is important to be as open and honest with your kids about what is happening as you possibly can explain everything

answer any questions that you're comfortable answering let them be there for the wake let them sit in the room with the their nanny or their person that's in that coffin let them talk about the memories show them that that this is now a celebration of their life now we get to remember them and how important it is to remember them and your memories count and your feelings count and uh it's a really really hard thing for a child to process so don't leave them out of it yeah the tendency to just sideline oh my god when you leave those kids at home or you put them to their friends house while you go to the funeral that is too much because now they they've no idea what happened yeah and

they think that that's what happens now when somebody dies that i get sent somewhere else while they get taken away also it's quite scary because their feelings are sidelined. You're not part of it. You can't come. And whatever you're feeling, they will interpret that as, my feelings don't count on this because I didn't even go to the funeral. I didn't get to say goodbye. I mean, obviously, everyone is so individual.

But I do think that if you don't process grief properly, it rears its head later in life where there's this confusion or anxiety around things like this. And I do think it's just. Is there any book that you'd recommend? There's so many books, but I'm not sure for this age. Eight years old. Yeah. Like I know a lot of books for younger, younger kids, like The Invisible String is amazing. Debbie Glory, no matter what.

But for an eight-year-old, they might still be just what she needs, you know, a hug with mommy and to read one of these cute stories. But I'm not sure, like, I should have looked at that because maybe somebody who's listened to the podcast might be able to get in touch with books

for that age group, because I'm not sure. And there must be books out there to help you know as children understanding busy time this is the difficulty of this because your advice is dead on and i think that this person will take a lot from this but when it's happening as fast as it is and there's so many things that need to get done the kids can be told there's a new game for the switch yeah and that's another that's basically the same as going go and stay over there yeah um like i would literally be trying to avoid as much distraction as possible even though you're going to need them out kicking a ball around for a bit too. But taking the time to go for that walk each day would be my advice.

And also people forget children bring a magic at times like this. They help everyone get up and keep going. They are your lifeline during these things and allow them to be strength for you. And tell them, say, you're helping me through this you know getting you know you're being a little companion that i need right now and thank you and give them hugs and let them know that your heart is breaking to you and you're feeling sad and this is shocking for you and you're not quite sure how to understand any of it either and then they won't think anything they're thinking or feeling is

wrong you know that's unbelievable but i'm so sad for this reason it's just so shocking when it's such a shock like that a loss yourself um please do get in touch i mean uh and we send you your thoughts and prayers as well and as tina said we'll try and list a couple of books that might be suitable for the smaller kids yeah during this but i definitely think opening up the conversation around death in your house isn't a bad idea either like get there before something terrible happens like we all walk past great parents all the time like bring it up i mean i my lost my nanny molly when i was eight and i remember sitting by like I really remember sitting by her coffin and wanting to touch her and being so afraid.

And then I remember touching her and how soft she felt and putting my face against her face and thinking, oh, it's still my nanny. It's still the same feeling, you know. Sorry. Very tough. Very, very tough. But, you know. Sorry. Very tough. Very, very tough. But it, you know, you don't,

it doesn't get better. This is the other thing I said to a kid. It doesn't get better. No. It just, you get better at dealing with it. But it is important

to explain to a child that when some, people dying suddenly isn't common and that she's not to be worrying about everyone. Well, there's an amazing podcast that I recommend people listen to on this.

If we're looking for a podcast recommendation around grief, it's called Grief Cast. You probably already know, a multi-award winning podcast where people talk about different grief scenarios and how they work through it, including ones involving kids. And that might be the thing this week that helps you

because God knows this is more common than we realize that people do get taken away. That is the fragility. I don't think it's okay to tell a kid that, though. I think you have to try and. Sure, sure, sure. That's it for our free episode. If you want to come over to patreon.com forward slash Irishman abroad. There's a full extra chunk over there. Tina, what are we talking about over in the extra chunk today?

Oh, this is about my marathon training ruining your life. Is your partner doing something that's actually making raising your kids difficult? Your memory is amazing because when you said that to me just now, I was like, I don't remember. But you remember. Everything is unbelievable. Guys, come on over. You really will enjoy it over there

on patreon it is how we support and build this show it can't be done for free as much as we'd like to give it to you for free uh it's only five or a month and in return you'll get hours and hours and hours of listening and as well as that coaching from the greatest irish athlete of all time sonia sullivan is putting up the training. If you'd like to learn to run 10 miles, they're all there. We'll be heading down to Cove for the first weekend of April. I've two shows in Cork at the Everyman Theatre

on the 4th and the 5th and then on the 7th, I'll be running around the hills that built Sonia O'Sullivan. Head over to patreon.com. That's so soon now. I don't need to hear that okay sorry sorry

sorry it just hit me that that's so soon I know I'm terrified talk to you guys soon see you over there on Patreon

Tina thanks so much thanks Gary love you