Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Is My Kid Just Stubborn? Why Won't My Kid Sleep? How Do I Talk To My Child About Food? S2E27

Episode Date: April 15, 2024

Tina has three coping strategies for three parents trying to get on top of their little angels’ persistent behaviour. With 20 years in education, special needs and severe behaviour schools, she has seen it all. However gentle parenting seems to be getting bad wrap. Is it for you? Is it a misused term? Where are people going wrong with it? We think it’s just generally misunderstood. Question 1- What do you do when your six year old son is still pooping in their pants. When your head is melted and you’ve exhausted every toilet training trick in the book, is there any hope? Jarlath and Tina assess the options available.The excellent Dr David Coleman has sparked a discussion about kids and their right to defend themselves if being bullied. This is of course an every day worry for parents and kids alike. How do you deliver the permission for your child to hold strong though? When your words carry such weight, you need to tread carefully with your delivery. Question 2- This week a dad gets in touch concerned with what he sees as his daughter’s imminent weight gain. He is looking for ways to educate her so that she does not develop an eating issue. Currently she has no issue and exercises regularly. We get the feeling it’s dad who needs to reflect on his relationship with food. Maybe if we as parents are worried about the food our kids are eating in the home, we should stop bringing those snack foods into the house.Question 3. When they are small we break our backs establishing the perfect bedtime routine only to let it slide away as they grow up. But we all need a bedtime routine. So how to we re establish one? This week a mum gets in touch because her 9 year old daughter thinks her 9pm bedtime is too early! In this episode we try and help this mom reintroduce an age appropriate bedtime routine so that she can have some well earned ‘me’ time at the end of her very busy days. Thank you so much for subscribing, listening in and sharing our podcast. We love you guys. If you want to hear more and support our podcast please pop over and become a Patron by clicking on this link. https://www.patreon.com/irishmanabroad

Tina what do you know about gentle parenting? Do I know that? Yeah like this seems to be I know it gets me in trouble anytime I talk about it Oh my god This seems to be Like I would just love to start the podcast with a surprise As Tina knows

Yeah She bloody hates it My stomach just fell out of me there I was like oh not the gentle parenting Yeah I did ask that question Like a police inspector going, where were you on the night of November? I don't know.

I'm sure I have an alibi. But gentle parenting is probably the most debated, maligned, discussed topic when it comes to parenting online right now. Yeah, but like I just think like with everything it's some people just aren't understanding what they mean by gentle parenting well here's here's where it goes it gets weird right is that people go it's the choice is either a punishment for your kid if they do something wrong oh yeah or parenting is going, honey, were you feeling upset when you did that? Why don't we go here and get some crayons and discuss our feelings?

Rather than going, you can't smash those things. Now go to your room. I actually really like the first bit. I think there's a, you know, you're saying that jokingly, but there is nothing wrong with that approach. Yeah. You know, like, that's like distraction and avoiding. You know, you don't want to get into the mad row. I think sometimes people mix up.

Gentle parenting does not mean no boundaries or no rules. In fact, gentle parenting works best when the kid knows where they stand. Yeah. Now, I'm all about positive reinforcement. I think if you can avoid any negativity with your kid, perfecto. But if you get gentle parenting wrong, you're going to create a monster. Yeah. Lord.

Yeah. We know that. And I feel really tough, bad for those mothers because my goodness they are trying their best they're trying their best they have actually found a way to be gentle with their kids all the time and it's not getting them what they it should be because there's no boundaries there has to be boundaries do you know what gentle parenting used to look like in the 80s hard parenting was get out of the field you're not meant to be in there

gentle parenting was if you don't get out of that field absolutely you are in so much trouble it was literally the difference between opening your mouth and speaking through gritted teeth yes speaking through gritted teeth the gritted teeth was very gentle parenting Kate Middleton does that

she's wonderful. That mother never raises her voice. I don't know how you do it. It's because I am a ventriloquist. Yeah. Yeah, Kate Middleton definitely. We've seen her do that with Louis a couple of times. Like, if you don't stop, I think.

I swear there will be no screen time later on. You nearly have to smile while you're doing it. But like gentle parenting is kind of a catch all term that is being used to criticize anyone that is trying to take an alternative route of shouting at their kids. If you ask me. I didn't know where you were going with that sentence. But yeah, I think gentle parenting is fab i think that the problem with all of these types of parenting is you gotta find what works for you yeah you gotta read into your approach

you know take on board different things and then find what works for you and your family because every child is so different some kids will react really well to that approach and some kids won't well this is the thing you say some kids will some kids won't some the the main source of friction i believe in families is the differing treatment of different kids. Yeah. Because you're correct. You can't have the same approach with multiple kids. No, no, you cannot. Yet equality is what the siblings

are going to want. Yeah, well, I think as long as you're fair. Sometimes, look, I know it must be really hard to parent more than one child and you especially if they're very close in age the fairness is of the richter scale there kids are looking for fairness all the time but those kids are individuals whether they're siblings or not and you have to take the time to observe the character of your child and figure out what kind of parenting suits your kid because trying to parent

four kids the same way is not going to work out because those are four tiny little different people ah yeah and yet you need a uniform rule for the house on things but i guess it's the enforcement yeah and the way you react and yeah some kids are more sensitive than others boundaries you just need them to know where they stand and you also need to be on the same page as whoever you're parenting with you know full disclosure cards on the table okay tina has 20 years of experience in severe child behavior working in early learning all types of education that's why you guys can email in and she's seen it all and she'll have a strategy to help you cope honey you're ruining our kid at gmail.com is the place to email bang them in and tina will help i don't know what i'm doing oh that's not

true it is it is a hundred percent true i do not know you have helped me immensely but i know that you're watching me a lot of the time with our son going that's that's you know that's we're not a united front sometimes but only because only on the fun stuff, I think. Like, we will have agreed we're not getting that. He's not able to do that. And then you get caught up in the moment of him being so happy. And then you both come to me, like, really excited. And I'm like, we already said we weren't doing that, Charlotte.

Don't you remember? And then it is like having an extra child. Well, I remember when we didn't have a kid and we just used to hang around my niece and nephew a lot. And I'd never seen someone not know how to interact with kids before. Oh, my God. Like, I would say to them, so how was your week? They were five and seven.

Younger. And I mean, I was like like have you just never been around children before like ever i made a point of avoiding like i've been obsessed with children my whole life yeah like you hunted out kids in bars yeah if there's a kid in the bar i'm minding that kid for the day to take care of your child and people would go absolutely free checker i told you before i used to call to people's houses and take their babies out for walks. I believe you have a baby. Yeah.

May I walk it? And they would let me off. They didn't even know who I was. They're like, okay, grand, take my baby out for a walk. Little did they know that some years later, you would have the number one parenting podcast in the country. Thank you all for rating commenting and subscribing on your platforms and telling people i mean it's really exciting at the moment very exciting yeah we really appreciate you spreading the world because we do not have a

marketing budget and we need you to tell people about the podcast yeah we know people are really listening because they're like an idiot he'll come up and they're like i love your podcast and i'm like oh my god that's so cool that's a good that's a good moment yeah what are we talking about this week tina what are the three questions that are coming up what are the three questions that are coming up we are talking about well there's a mom who's gotten in touch a few times can you believe this i don't know where her emails are going but they never turn up so it's a massive email from this mom with loads of updates about the original emails no one else has gone through the sieve like

this but this woman has is that the right saying yeah slip through the cracks down through the sieve i think you're supposed to go to the sieve well she is in touch when she's having trouble with toileting yeah with her and it's just ongoing yeah and i have missed it and i felt terrible so i thought it might be nice if we give her a lot of time on the pod today and then sorry my breathing is so bad i have a little bit of a sniffle the second one that i think people are really unusual question is around concern for your kids eating habits and what it's going to produce in the future and the final one is a bedtime is a bedtime bedtime time bedtime timing bedtime timing i mean we basically need

a spin-off podcast around sleep because yeah it's so important for your kid and let's be clear it's so important for you and it's ever changing like all the time you never can just go and now i have my sleep back and now it's done yeah i think tina can't nap it makes her ferocious if you wanted people to be in the ufc all you'd need to do is just get her to have a nap before the fight that way because honestly i go for the sleep i think you know you know what? I can't keep going. I've got to have a nap. Maybe this is the day I won't wake up furious. I wake up. A different person.

I'm so angry. It's like the Hulk. You said it's a condition. Will you just be nice to me? Because I am fucking furious when I wake up. Absolutely. Like, lads, I wake up revived and refreshed. Like, the day has begun again. Tina wakes up like, why did I sleep?

Yeah. It is demonic. No, that's not the feeling. The feeling is, why can't I stay asleep? Why did you wake me up? I need to sleep more. Oh, look. Yeah.

Yeah, no, this is it. Sleep, sleep, save a side. It's a big problem. But we're here to help. Yes. It you're ruining your kid the parenting podcast from the irishman abroad podcast network let's get to it this is from the washington post what oh no another surprise the short answer the short answer is that some adults are genetically predisposed to need more hours of continuous sleep than others according to a study by the national heart and lung institute didn't know that place existed at least 80 genes appear to be involved in sleep regulation which suggests

that sleep duration can be influenced by a wide variety of biological factors this thing goes on to say that you're right that some people can't have that interrupted that they need it in one spot and if they mess with that it can mess with their mood so i'm not just a cranky bitch but you know i didn't say that you know i had my sleep pattern done before when i was in hospital really they yeah they did that thing where they put it on me and uh they track my sleep pattern done before when i was in hospital really they yeah they did that thing where they put it on me and uh they track my sleep and it turns out i never sleep not even when i'm sleeping all right that would explain a lot they say here people who average six hours of

sleep or less for example tend to be habitual nappers what but i'm not you're neither i know i don't sleep at all i just look really old non-habitual nappers can fall asleep and stay asleep well enough but have shown noticeably slower motor functionality upon waking up from a nap that's true you are not yourself for the rest of the day question number one hey i'm just catching up on the podcast after seeing jarlet on ask me anything with angela scanlon here here's here listening to episode two for the second time toilet training i have four kids three brilliant last angel is five this june Great for weeing into the toilet. Never wets.

Now, as for number two, the poor guy's bum is ruined. So we'll do the wee, not a bother. Yeah, but this is... You've seen this. It's very common, especially with boys. He can't do it in the toilet. He's out of nappies and I'm actually going to have to buy an underwear company soon. The amount that I go through. This is very tough.

Have tried Movicol. Yeah, so that is, you know, helping him go. So he's actually holding it. Okay. Rewards. Threats, which was what we were talking about in the first part of the show. Everything. His brother has AS asd and we are

heading a similar way for him i think what's asd autistic um asd autistic syndrome disorder any help advice words or wisdom would be amazing meant to say if another person tells me he's had an accident i may scream scream, it's not an accident. He meant to do that. This poor mommy. But if she thinks that that's true, I trust her. So that's very frustrating because she knows he knows what to do. But the issue there and we see it over

and over and over again is actually the letting go of the poo the feeling that idea yeah the exit is the trouble yes and that is very common now there is a follow up to that because this lady it is a weird feeling like like you gotta kind of empathize in some ways we never even consciously think about it but the idea of something exiting your body for if you had never experienced that before would be weird. Yeah, well, he is sick, so he's experienced it a lot. I mean, it's unconscious when they're babies and the odd times. But like, I mean, she's worried for him.

You would be worried because first of all, he's he's peeing in his pants. That's never good, right? He's old enough now to be embarrassed by that but he can't help it he can't and she knows that and it's very tricky because she's tried everything also think about the concentration it takes to hold in that poo the focus there's some pain yeah and what i've observed with children who are doing this, and you see it a lot, I need to tell this mom, you are not on your own here. This is so common.

Those kids are not having as much fun at school and they're not learning as well as the other kids because they are... Focused on something else. It is taking all of their attention. Jesus Christ, this is rough. So she has an update here. Yeah, because somehow I missed her email.

Yeah, that doesn't happen. I mean, Tina literally gets back to everybody. I don't know how I missed her. Would have loved to have asked your help with my son. I wrote a message above quite a while ago and I've tried everything. Got everyone poos. The book. I love that book.

Nearly six now. Has the ASD diagnosis. Okay. So now he has. So he's on. He has autism. So she thinks it might just be a case of him getting it in his own time. Well, look.

I'll finish off here. Have tried everything anyone has suggested. Lactolus. That's just another pill. Trips to the loo, reward charts. He might just be a stubborn mule, she says. Another pill trips to the loo reward charts. He might just be a stubborn mule, she says. But wow, it's getting really hard.

My nine year old daughter changes them now. And if we are out and there's a sitter and she's so good. But this is what a daughter. Because she's empathizing with her brother. Really? She's thinking, oh God, imagine that was me. Look, if if he has actually got. Autism, it that makes it extra tricky because he's he's established this now. So you're going to have to break this kind of pattern he's in um like his rules for how he poos and um how do you do that well i i mean first you gotta i always think the best way to help children

through these things is to educate so get him involved in watching kerskasads and body books about the digestive system right educate him on food everybody poos yeah well everybody poos isn't gonna work everybody poos is a really cute book but it is a picture book with a with a picture of a panda saying yeah panda poos you know you know so you actually might need something like explaining like you said curse kazat there which is something you find on youtube they're incredible but they really are scientific and are incredible explaining the most complex things yes for children uh and maybe he would need the more technical explanation of the pipes. Well, we tend to presume that kids don't want to know that. But sometimes they really do want to know exactly what's happening in their body

and why this waste needs to come out. Like, you can have a lot of fun exploring the digestive system with your son. And the digestive system of other animals. Yeah. And explaining to him that, you know your body is will take nutrients but needs to get rid of the stuff it doesn't need and then then it moves through your intestines and it comes out and it needs to go in the toilet then proceed to the toilet the functionality of toilets where the poo goes then oh just to pause you there that bit for lads i think is one that i've seen work on the podcast before yeah well i've seen that work in real time in real life

so where they're okay maybe they're not that interested in the functionality of their body but they love the idea the water and the pipes and yeah where it goes after it goes down the pipe you take them to a sewage plant let them see where it's gonna go live in a day where any video you want to find on youtube is there and you can you don't actually have to visit a sewage plant what tina's like i'm like i'm okay for that thanks like when we brought our child to the to an abattoir yeah not the best moves of our parenting life. Someone offered us a tour. Yeah, and we were on the tour when they gave us the outfits. But he said, you'll have to come and see the butchers.

Why are we getting into outfits? But I thought it was going to be just, and here's how we make the burgers. And then we were seeing animals hanging upside down. It was terrible. We're still not vegetarians though. Mikey said to me at one point during the tour, because we had him convinced that animals that we served on our dinner table all died of natural causes.

He turned to us during that tour and said, that's definitely not natural causes. He was five. But like, you know what? It did, like any visit like that stays, it imprints we all could have done without that tour sure but I'm saying for this kid yeah oh yeah no no

look I have toilet trained children with severe behaviours and with autism diagnosis and this really helps information helps, they just want to know everything also i have toilet trained children who are severe and profound and these are kids who people will

never think can be toilet trained but you have to write out a plan of action that you're going to do and stick to. And the repetition of that pattern of your plan will help the child realize this is what's expected of me. Associating with the toilet that that's where the poo goes. Now, I don't think this guy sounds like he can't comprehend what the toilet is for. But I'm even saying there is always hope. Even the child who you think, sure, they'll never know how to go to the toilet. There's always hope. If you have a plan and you are willing to repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat,

that child will get it and they will understand, this is what's expected of me. Now, this poor mom, it's so tough but she does need to start thinking okay he's six he can understand i need to talk to him about this i need to say to him sweetheart you can't keep pooing in your pants that's not where the poo goes the poo needs to go in the toilet do you know when you put your poo in the toilet what happens when you flush let's find out where your poo goes. Let's have a look.

You have to be careful, though, as well, because you don't want them worrying about water they drink and stuff like that. You know, you have to be super careful. Yeah, well, there's probably a book available on that, too. And I feel like two things stood out to me in the emails that she sent. One, when somebody's saying, I've tried everything, you're saying, well, you need to stick to the most basic of repetition. Choose your route. And stick with it.

And don't give up on it too fast. Yeah. The other one was, maybe he's a stubborn mule. Now, I think that's the part of this email that will resonate with everybody, because a willful child, I don't see it that bad of a thing sometimes. Because, you know, I say that a marathon is just a collection of stubborn feckers. And, you know, being able to stick to your guns is a really important thing in life. So, you know, while you're like getting down on your kid being jesus will you just do it they're they're widening the lens a tiny bit can make you

feel a little bit better than like they're gonna need that level of conviction it doesn't help when you're trying to stop from shitting in his pants no but also i think it is worth saying here this mom has a lot of kids and two of them have autism i think she needs to be a little bit easier on herself you're coping with way more than most parents will ever cope with yeah if your child is six and they have this thing that they can't quite do just yet you know as long as you're trying you know it will eventually he will hopefully get there yeah and you can you can take a plan and you can get it done really fast but maybe you don't have the time and i'm i'm not gonna judge you for that and you shouldn't give yourself a tough time for

that either because you are coping with more than most and also get your school involved those teachers know how to do this stuff go to your senko go to your you know the teacher that's supposed to liaise with you about these social things go to the health nurse get someone else's help with this you know there you should there should be help for you yeah well great stuff tina and stay like really please do get in touch with another update because. Yeah, yeah, no, absolutely. And I wish I could go around and just help moms like this because this is something I know how to do. Yeah.

But you would need to see the child. Yeah, I'd need to get to know the child, you know. Yeah, because what I always remember with you when you were actually visiting homes to do this, that there was usually an aha moment. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You watch the child. And that's something moms can do. It doesn't you don't have to be like an educator to do that. Sometimes like as a Montessori trained teacher initially, primarily Montessori's greatest gift to teachers was

take two hours out of a week and watch your class. Take an hour in your day and just watch your children. Yeah, we never do. Just observe them. You will learn so much just from watching how they interact, how they move, how they look at things. And you'll know, you'll understand them more. Remember when we started this series that we used to do a kind of a news round of parenting stuff that's going around. Well, definitely what would have been in that section, if it was still going, was this David Coleman article around kids standing up for themselves.

Yeah. And basically... The place is a booze. Yeah, a lot of people talking about this. Now, I haven't read it. You this. Now, I haven't read it. You have. Well, I haven't read it. I've read a tiny bit of it and I've heard him discussing it.

Okay. And I've heard it being discussed. But basically what he's, the headline is, you know, if your child is getting pushed around at school, that they should be allowed to defend themselves. And it's okay to tell your child to defend themselves. Now, I completely agree with that statement. I think it's just a very hard one to enact because when you give your child permission to do something yes as a parent like you are their absolute guiding light so you have to be very careful how you give that permission yeah because you could be sending a kid into school who's like yeah if anyone messes

with me i'm gonna stand my ground or you could be sending a kid into school going, wait till I get in there. That guy is dead. You know, it's really. Now, were you? Which were you? Because I saw stories of Tina going, I know Kung Fu. Mess with me. You die.

Yeah, no, I was not afraid to stand up for myself at all as a little girl. But I will never forget, you know, mikey be pushed over in the playground i used to playground judy oh my god and i all i said to him was you know when someone pushes you you don't have to fall down and that's all it took every other time i saw someone try and do it because it was a game they were playing it was a weird game and i was like i don't like this game it's horrible i was like just because someone pushes you doesn't mean you have to fall down I was like you hold your stance you stay strong yeah you don't need your base yeah and he didn't even know that he didn't know to do that and here is where I I feel like I failed him horseplay with your parents father or mother is not it's

not a bad thing. And in fact, it's a thing that's probably getting forgotten a little bit. Yeah. But I know that it is essential. There's a point to it. Yeah. That obviously not grabbing on a headlock, giving them a wedgie. Yeah, but I don't think you need to feel too bad because kids do it anyway.

Kids play like that. Or horseplay with your dad. You think so? Or an older person. I've read a bunch of articles on the importance of this. Because it does teach a certain amount of physical defense. Yes. Yes, it's true.

You know, David Coleman, we must get him on someday. He's incredible. Really great. He needs, like, this advice, though. I mean, I feel bad that we haven't read the full article that he wrote. But, you know, the way they lead with these headlines is so dangerous. Oh, yeah. Clickbait. Yeah. Because, like, you have to be so careful.

All I'm saying is you've got to be so careful about how you say that to your kid, how you model that. Because I absolutely think every child should be standing up for themselves. And, I mean, they are doing that in school. They are teaching children to say, no, I do not like that. Yeah. But encouraging kids to be physical with each other, which I don't think he means, is different. And you've got to be so like, it's not OK to hurt your friends, but it is OK to stand up for yourself. And I feel like some of us are only learning how to do that as grown-ups.

So we definitely need to be teaching it to our kids. That is a life skill we need to teach our kids. Well, like the headline on the article is, if your child is being bullied physically, they should defend themselves. Now, let me explain why. It's a great headline because it does draw you in, right? It draws you in, but there's so many people who didn't write that headline no um but bullying is a thing that we get on the show a lot

and you know last week we had somebody like i feel like the kids are toxic and that i need to get them away from these friends and you know you can go back and listen to that episode but in terms of the actual he's punching me um i think your kid needs to be equipped i agree with david and that i think you need to equip your kid just as your kid should be aware of when a tricky stranger is asking them a question that crosses the line uh they need to be aware that when somebody physically uh confronts them to that you can physically confront them back yeah or tell them to stop yeah you know but defending yourself defending yourself or yeah or moving some kids don't even know to move out of that situation yeah i remember asking sonia sullivan about this, that thing of, you know, women being under attack as runners and her saying, well, I never really felt that because I could outrun anybody.

Yeah, and that, see there, this is what I mean about next. She felt a quiet confidence in herself. And your child, that's important yeah they need to feel like if someone messes with me i'm not afraid and that's why i think you know just as you would tell your kid you're right not to accept candy of strangers and things like that you also must tell your child your children sorry i lost my words there that like if someone pushes you you don't have to follow them. If someone hurts you, you can tell them to stop.

And if your friend is being unkind to you, tell them you don't like that. Well, the main place, though, Tina, that the bullying is taking place now is online. Yes. And that is a tough one, because how do you defend yourself there without being accused of engaging in it yourself? Well, that's terrifying. Yeah. I mean, that terrifies me. Yeah.

I don't know how these kids are coping at all. Why don't we get somebody on to talk about that? Yeah, because, like, I mean, that is just something that keeps me awake at night because we're lucky we don't have it in our life yet, but it's coming. Oh, yeah. You know? And how do you protect your child? Because somebody is going to say something horrible.

Yeah. And also, like, you're going to get horrible messages as a grown-up. Weirdly, I don't get many negative. Don't say it. Don't say it. It's just because after years in comedy clubs, I don't hear any of them anymore. And I also just delete anything that i don't like of comments underneath things but we have to get to our second question a second question or a third second

second question of today is a very interesting one hey teen and jar i am looking for advice on how to caution my eight-year-old daughter from eating too much. She's not overweight at the moment, but she loves to snack and eat so much that I'm afraid she's going to eventually set herself up for obesity. I want to be very careful how I talk to her about this, but I also want to protect her health. How would you recommend communicating with an eight-year-old girl on this subject? We've mentioned the potential for diabetes as well as obesity. She seems to understand, but it hasn't changed her desire to eat. Overall, she's a very happy and well-adjusted child and she gets sufficient exercise. I think she just likes the taste of food i can relate

what do you make of this email well i think it's really important to really quickly get in there and say stop stop doing what you're doing what you mean stop putting this idea into your daughter's head that she's overeating stop it right now she hasn't got a weight issue she will she's going to have one if you don't stop like i mean this is dangerous what he's doing is is wrong it's old school and it's his own hang-ups don't put your hang-ups on your daughter she doesn't have a weight issue why are you even trying to restrict her food i mean you have the luxury of a kid who actually wants to eat so many people don't have that most parents are really struggling to get kids to eat food please stop what you're doing my first thought

was right if you've an issue with what your child is eating yeah stop putting that stuff in the house exactly you're there are other ways if you need to be in control which it sounds like you you have a your own food issue there i don't know if he's realized that yet and he needs to be in control you have an opportunity to be in control you are providing the food in that house but please please don't bring this into your daughter's life. It's already so hard for girls and boys, of course. But like that eight year old girl does not need to think. Eight years old. That she's not perfect.

She's hungry. She's eating. That is a luxury she should be allowed to enjoy. Yeah. I mean, I always think you are the one that explains to me. This is totally going back to the days when Dina would go off and do a thing. And I would for once be left with our son. And she would be texting me going, have you fed him?

I'm like, yeah, I fed him at nine o'clock in the morning. What's wrong with you? Jar, it's two. Yeah, and I'd be freaking out. I'd be like, oh my God, the child must be so cranky. He'd be so starving. I think in defense of this dad and i totally agree with what you're saying because the dialogue around food in my house

as a kid wasn't healthy and it had lasting impacts yeah in defense of the dad it sometimes is shocking how much a kid needs to eat i know people who haven't quite grasped this yet who have multiple kids and they're still gone seems to still be hungry i believe it's every two hours that's your that's what you told i. I really think that. And you know what? If your kid is being cranky more often than not. They're hungry. They're hungry. Big time. Yeah. Right?

If you think, oh my God, they're so irrational today. They're whiny. They're hungry. Yeah. Please give them something to eat. They are burning. They are a furnace. I'm not saying lunches every two hours.

I'm saying, you know. Rice cake. Box of raisins. Chocolate cake. Chocolate cake. Chocolate rice cake cures so many problems you know what the most beautiful thing about a montessori classroom is and a montessori as you know goes from the ages of zero all the way up to 18 years of age there is always snack table snack table available to the child whenever they want they go and prepare their own fruit they sit sit down, have a little chat. It's the cutest thing.

And any classroom I've ever worked in, whether the school adheres to that or not, I have brought in a snack table. Amazing. Because why would you ever want kids to feel hungry? Ever? Like, well, what it can do when they do feel hungry is it can make, it can actually kind of fetishize food. Yeah, well, I just think you have to be so careful. They then gorge in the moment when there's like, there's finally food. And instead, you want them grazing.

None of us are getting it right. And I'm not saying I'm getting it right either. No, but that's the basis of the podcast. But I'm just saying, please stop. Do not do this to your age do not introduce that dialogue if she doesn't have a weight issue why would you if she's exercising she's doing exercise she's eating but she's burning it you know she's obviously burning it fast she needs more food i mean it's a tough one to read and i like you've been very strong on

this because i feel bad i don't want to make that dad but we're gonna occasionally get an email where somebody says i'm doing a thing and you definitely have to be able to say stop it i think stop that absolutely and maybe go a bit easier on yourself too because you know or have a look at yeah your own views on food and yeah where is a fear that my daughter could be fat come from i don't know like i don't know like i like maybe he's just super super healthy and maybe she's not eating super healthy snacks when she's snacking but just stop buying them yeah yeah yeah this is it's like g Tina's saying, Mikey's clothes are so expensive. You're the one buying them.

I know. Why does he always... He's the one putting them in a trilby in a pocket square. You bought him a cane. I did buy him a cane and a pillbox hat. And Miranda bought him a pocket watch.

Oh my God. And I was always like, why, how has he got so many suits? He insists on dressing like a gent. Where would he get that idea? he doesn't go to the shop it was hilarious because he didn't want a birthday party he wanted a gentleman's get together but when you're raising your kid in england it does sound like what have you done i went back to the old town last week

we did Newbridge Newbridge or nowhere is their slogan which I'm not sure what that means Newbridge or nowhere what

I think it's a reference to we'll only play matches in Newbridge what I think it was a GAA thing I think it was a mural of Paul Maskell

waving a flag it was very confusing it was very confusing it was a GAA thing. I think there was a mural of Paul Maskell waving a flag. It was very confusing. It was very confusing. It was also very confusing going back to my old school. Wasn't invited, by the way. No, we totally trespassed. Literally just trespassing the shit out of it. Walking up the driveway to the old school,

hand in hand with my beautiful wife, getting the shift in front of the wall where i never shifted girls other lads were shifting girls i was not a mr shifty shift back in those days um but it was a mystery as to how that many kids fitted into that school because you're going this like it's expanded so much but it's still a tiny school there was a thousand kids in the place thousand boys oh my god a thousand boys gross teenage boys i mean we walked and one shining diamond me tina there isn't a rat in the office she is for you guys have no idea how many times she spins around in her chair like what the hell was that like ver That was speaking It was my foot against the chair Oh was it sorry You're like Verno in Stand By Me

On guard with the gun What was that I totally understood Why you have such a growl For your secondary school though Because they love all their students I've never been in a secondary school Where literally the whole school

Is documented I didn't have like a Black Rock growl For the old school is documented. I didn't have like a Blackrock Crawford, the old school. No, but you liked going. I loved my time there and I definitely enjoyed everything that happened. But we bumped into the caretaker

and he knew who you were. He remembered you from being in school and I was like, if I went into my... That guy, George, shout out to George, the caretaker at therician secondary school in new bridge the nicest man he used to let us all into the gym to play basketball when we definitely didn't have permission and he's the reason why a lot of us were good at that sport because we didn't have access to that gym how would we play but i loved my old school and i was like if i

went into my school nobody would know I even went there guys another day we'll talk about exactly how decadent Tina's school was by the way but ours was like prefabs like honestly Dara

I was a bit like Tina's like where's your library there is one I only found where's your running track there is one is this the sick bay

the what I only found out the other day There is an oar. Is this the sick bay? The what? I only found out the other day that my old school used to be a boarding school. Then it all made more sense. Nobody who went to Mercy and Navin taught they were in a fancy school. Obviously, our school was very nice. I mean, we had a library. We had a canteen.

We had lots of different buildings. You had a hulkery. We did not shut up as in we were hulking at the other boys uh listen it was it was pretty special to go back and but it does kind of bring you back to all of the confusion of the teenage stuff we're going to talk more about teenagers in coming episodes i am busy busy busy reading as many books as i can including some shite ones like let's be honest you recommend books if you've read book recommendations bring them through

because there's so many i actually do have a book recommendation this incredible um save it for patreon okay come on over to patreon.com forward slash irishman abroad and get the extended cut of our episode each week where you'll get book recommendations deep dives into the questions return questions which means you'll find out what happened after they applied the advice now on to question number three and this is a doozy hi tina uh i had to email you last year about my son who wouldn't study gerlet that is for patreon i'm terrible at my job um okay here we go question number three quick question for you guys it says it on it question number three love the show hey pat love the show so we'll appreciate your opinion on this one am i being unreasonable i sent my nine-year-old to bed at 9 p.m since the new year she has done nothing but refuse this i've spoken to her in depth about import the importance of regular sleep

so we all try to stick to the early bedtime routine routine routine but due to her lack of sleep, I'm up at daft hours as I'm worried I'll not be up on time for school and running and training. This is a weird one because, sorry for saying weird. I don't know what the fuck's going on in this email. First of all, nine o'clock is way too late for your nine-year-old daughter. It sounds to me like you're being so kind and so fair like what are you doing arranging the bedtime to suit her age i mean when she's 10 is she gonna stay until 10 i don't get it nine does nine is late nine is too late so you're already being way too nice and maybe you need to play this for her yeah i spoke to

this parenting podcast and they said i'm letting you but like this is the thing once the genie's out of the bottle and once 9 p.m is established um you may need to recalibrate the rules like you say she's definitely gonna have to have a meeting about this with her daughter and she's gonna have to actually say to her look it's too late you know what the weirdest thing about sleep is if she can get her in a better routine where she goes up at half seven reads her book puts on a bit of music if she gets to bed by eight or just after eight she's going to sleep way better you have the ultimate life hack on this i do you do tina's a big believer in getting them to lie in bed and read.

Oh, yeah. And like, it's nearly as good as sleep itself. Yeah. The other thing is that once they finish reading, whatever it is they're reading, this is not rocket science. They're basically asleep. Yeah, well, I mean, we... It's so restful. We always do this when they're babies we go out of

our way to have a bedtime routine yeah and then we just throw it out the window but actually they need a bedtime routine way more the older they get and if you're worried she won't actually sleep at eight o'clock tina has the other most incredible life hack if your kid is going i can't sleep the sound box and the return of the sound box to our child's room and dozens of kids like just read the reviews on the sound box which will play you know c noises or white noise it like it will work on you it won't just work on your kid get a sandbox for yourself if you're struggling to sleep and watch the magic happen the sandboxes are great but i really think that this mom is afraid of her kid you're being way too kind that is way too late

for your kid i mean you must be exhausted by nine o'clock you're not getting any time on your own your time what about your netflix time any time to yourself you have to you have to just sit down with your daughter and say you know what um i got the bedtime thing all wrong i didn't realize just how much sleep you're supposed to be having bring the teacher in say your teacher has said that you're too tired in class and when she asked me what time you went to bed i actually she actually told me off she said that's way too late for a nine-year-old and just say like say that they're going to bed at nine yeah well you can say your friends are idiots you can just say maybe their moms don't know they're getting it wrong either their moms are idiots as well oh my god and you can say to your daughter i'm really sorry but

don't worry together we're gonna fix this we're gonna how let's talk about our bedtime routine let's make it really special every night we're gonna read a book together she's only nine if you lay on the bed and read your book you lay on the bed and read the book with her she's only nine so she still kind of needs you to have an interest in the reading with her and then get a music box get a sandbox have a little light in her room make it special but she needs to be in bed before night that is too late last week we talked about the mommies and daddy's report from aldi and i'm assuming you're going to get to hear that jen hogan podcast uh mamma mia and me is this mamma mia and me mamma mia and me although maybe that little gorgeous maybe she ruined it i don't know ruin the whole recording in the report into how parenting life is adversely

affecting women more than men this was a big part of it you shouldn't feel guilty about carving out time for you it's essential it is absolutely essential and we need to we need to champion this tina yeah on this podcast you need to make sure not only that there's time for you yeah but there's time for you and your partner if they're still on the scene exactly but like honestly the whole struggle of bedtime the reward should be that tiny bit of time you get for yourself. So the whole batshit bananas that goes down before the lights go off and you get your child to bed, the reward for you living through that and surviving another bedtime battle is you get some time to yourself. Allow yourself to have that. Nine o'clock is too late. That is too late. Your daughter does not get to stay up till nine o'clock. That is bananas. She needs

more sleep. So before we leave this question go and we head over to patreon for the bonus section what should a bedtime routine look like ideally in your opinion for a nine-year-old okay well ideally is the word so first of all you agree the time that you go that the child needs to go upstairs and for me at nine years old i think that's half seven but who knows what the activities are in this house so by upstairs you mean to their room i'm so sorry yeah to wherever their bedroom or their space is in their house wherever they are and then the kid gets into their pajamas they get to have their glass of milk curtains prep the room brush your teeth and they have a book hopefully that they're looking forward to reading by themselves or you're

still reading with them try and make it cozy it doesn't have to be an expensive beautiful princess but it it just needs to feel like bedtime is actually an activity yeah the pace of the day is done use bedtime as well this time you have together to, you know, ask your child three nice questions about stuff to happen today. What are you looking forward to tomorrow? Yeah. And also, it's a great chance to let your kid know that you love them and that you're proud of them and that things you saw them do today that you felt were brilliant. And it's just a really good, time with your child and then allow them to read let them relax keep it chill keep it chill if you're not bringing the chill get out of there

because they need to chill and then you you know you have decided amongst yourself if that time they get to read is 20 minutes whatever it is and then you got to be really clear then lights are out do not wriggle with that do not say okay 10 minutes more no if you decided 20 minutes is what they get to read 20 minutes is it then the lights go off bedtime becomes a disaster if the kid knows that they can go mom i need a drink mom and the drink thing for me i'm like just leave a drink in their room i don't think a child should ever be left without a drink yeah uh so the chart in the same way as we introduced a lot of people to the morning oh yeah going to bed visual schedule for a nine-year-old that would still work time like that lets them tick the boxes of teeth yeah pajamas, curtains, wash face, book. And then it becomes so calming.

These sandboxes as well are not expensive and they are game changers because what they do, they have all these lovely sounds, but they also have lights. So the child can choose to set the sound or the light. But also during the night, if they wake up, you're going to teach your child to help themselves fall back to sleep by putting on their sandbox again. They associate it. It's amazing. It's the habit of a lifetime because I'm hearing all this and going, I need to be doing a bit of this myself. We actually do.

I had one night where I left my phone in the kitchen and it was the best night's sleep I've had in ages. And I don't know why I'm so reluctant to leave my phone downstairs or just in another room. But it really, really changes things. I hope this has helped you guys. I hope this is a help because I really think that bedtime and sleep is the universal outside of toilet time. But I really want to stress, this mom needs to get that kid in bed because you deserve to have your time

fully to yourself. Come on over to patreon.com forward slash Irishmanabroad. A couple of clicks, you're joined up, you've access to everything, including massive bonus episodes, a full four or five early episodes of the show, the full Irish Man Abroad back catalogue

Marion McKeown talking about America on Fridays Sonia O'Sullivan coaching you your life's just going to be better Tina thanks so much

for everything and I'll talk to you on the other side