Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - My Babysitter Drinks On The Job! The Lying Child & Navigating A Separation - S2E31

Episode Date: May 6, 2024

Lying. Why do our kids lie? Are they just experimenting with the truth or are they fully sure we are all fools and that they can get away with anything? One thing is for sure, if you don't get on top of it early, you could be raising the next President of the United States of America. Massive laughs and huge insight in today's episode. As always we have three great questions from three of our great listeners. Question 1 "My babysitters drink on the job. Can I ask them not to?"Parents looking after your kids. Is it possible to direct your parents on how they should mind your children. If you’re asking them to break their fully formed routines. Is it ever going to be worth rocking the boat? What if alcohol is involved?Question 2 "The child that only wants boob!"When your baby is demanding and nothing seems enough you might find yourself feeling completely frazzled from the exhaustion of it all. What can you do if they refuse to eat and they only want the boob. If your baby is hurting themselves from feeling frustrated it might be from the lack of rules rather than the limitless freedom. Question 3 "When love breaks down, what can you do when your partner is out to get you?"When a marriage breaks down it’s hard on everyone. What effect can it have on your children if one side is trying to be mature about the situation while the other side is trying to paint you as villain. How do you navigate them gently through transitional period when the kids just want the living situation to be what it was. What is the best way to approach it with them and how honest do you have to be?Thank you for listening in to another episode of Honey You’re Ruining Our Kid. With the summer holidays fast approaching there are only a few more episodes before we break up till September. So please get your questions into [e-mail]. Enjoy the show? Want more? Want to support its creation? Get bigger episodes and archive access in the space of a few click www.patreon.com/irishmanabroad

lies make baby jesus cry lying to a child partly lying is a sign that your kid is super intelligent that's what the parents of lying children say and apparently he's very smart as in cunning and sometimes it shows that they're very comfortable with their parents and just pushing boundaries seeing how far they can take they said about lance armstrong i'm just trying to bernie made up just trying to bring the positives here why do kids lie tina it's such a huge problem you're very welcome of course to honey you're reading our kid hope your week is going well it's a monday morning and we are coffeed up to the teeth and the first thought i had was just how and why do they lie

because it seems that it kind of goes on like pushing the boundaries pushing the envelope of truth bending the truth is it the trumpian world they've been raised in? I really, I've said this a few times to you, I really don't think these leaders we have at the moment worldwide who are happy, like Boris. Growing up with Boris was really bad for our kids. He was blatant about lying. And our kids all took that in, like the guy in charge.

He would laugh it off. outlying and our kids all took that in like the guy in charge he was laughing off of course at the time i i felt that was appropriate yeah i'm just making that kind of i'm kind of about to talk away with it every time every time every time like he lied barefaced to the public yeah again and again and again and again he He broke the rules during the pandemic and rules that our little kids had to follow. Yeah. Like really strictly. But do you think they're watching the news?

I think they're taking it in. I think kids take in a lot of stuff. I don't think they're tuning in. I think it was lying before Boris Johnson. Yeah, but I think it made it very, like, it's okay. It legitimized it. Like Trump and all these these leaders like they're seeing

a lot of them like the whole world yeah well look we're in we're in the post-truth era they say yeah and definitely there is a bending of the truth in terms of your images i mean we've had one leader of late who has stepped down graciously and that was nicholas sturgeons in scotland and that was heartbreaking because she's fucking amazing. Yeah, you loved her. But her husband had got up to some shite and she fell on her sword and did the respectable thing.

As opposed to Leo, who just wanted to let people know if there is a scandal coming. I'm not saying that there is, but if there is, I didn i uh i'm not saying that there is but if there is i didn't do it whatever it is i know but did you see the footage of leo sitting on the boxes with his boyfriend people are horrible i don't know if they're married to the man but that was that made me feel so sorry he doesn't deserve it and definitely there's a big discussion here if you're not in ireland at the moment there's a big discussion at the moment about the treatment of public representatives i've never felt sorry for leo in my whole life

i watched that video and i thought oh my god that's horrific he's just sitting on a box on a date maybe with his partner and they're getting abuse yeah and it seems to be par for the course people seem to think that it's fair game but it's not no i really that made me feel sorry for him so stop making me feel sorry for politicians guys um the funniest kid caught in a lie moment i've ever had was actually at tina's montessori school horizons montessori shout out to horizon i love horizons still going still the best i was brought in to draw a giant mural of bob the builder something i can do those services are available just go to the website and make a booking and i'm in there i really put you to work you really did so but i loved it because what happens when you're drawing for kids if you haven't done this already

they zone out and go into like a trance like yeah very calm they love it it's amazing it's like they're seeing magic happen yeah yeah um so one kid blondie haired kid gorgeous he's a full grown-up full grown-up now it says while i'm drawing bob the builder he goes i uh used to draw bob the builder every day when i was on my holidays and his brother leaned in and went no you didn't that's not true and he looked up at all of us old circle of kids age three to six yeah um those were lies god i love that child. But I loved it because he was like, yes, in fact, that was not a truth.

I just completely owned it immediately in the moment. But children can police each other so well. It's the grown-ups who can't really get through to the kids about lying, you know? But how many times do you say as a parent, where is he getting this from? Where is he seeing this? I'm not lying to him. Yeah, we're all lying, you know? But how many times do you say as a parent, where is he getting this from? Where is he seeing this? I'm not lying to him. Yeah, we're all lying, you are. We have truths.

Little half-truths. Well, yeah, you're kind of, well, you've got to be economical with the truth as well. Yeah, it's so hard. It's for their own self-protection. But I think that when they first realised they can lie,

I remember watching movies, like Michael J. Fox movies. Even Beverly Hills Cop, I was like, he just totally lied. Got away with it. You can do that. I don't know.

It's so hard to get the messaging because I was terrified. I was completely convinced they know. Oh, well, I've said this before in the podcast. I got caught in a lie. And that was a big lesson to me. Seven- the podcast. I got caught in a lie. And that was a big lesson to me.

Seven-year-old Tina got caught in a massive lie. You know, I did it again. You know this, Charlotte. When I lived in England, in Norhampton, and I started school there, I told my teacher, I can't really keep, you know, it's going to be tricky for me. I am obviously a Gaeilgeor. You said Irish is my first language as a seven-year-old to a teacher. I just made the Holy Communion.

I moved to England the night after my Holy Communion. Oh, my God. So I knew lies were wrong. What a cash in your pocket. You thought you were invincible. Chance me arm. Lady, get off my case. English is my second language.

She was from Ireland. She started speaking to me in Irish. I was caught not only in a lie, but the look on her face when she was like, you little fucking liar. You're full of shit. And that...

Because she was probably delighted. Can you imagine if you met an Irish kid in St. Almsley? Like, I'm sorry, but Irish is my first St. Almsley like I'm sorry but Irish is my first language he'd be like and the kid's like I can't think of

the whole thing in letters I had the basics but yeah it was awful and I never I just thought it's not worth it

I never want to see that look show me a fair few lies the first time I met you hey Tina and Jar look show me a fair few lies the first time i met you hey tina and jar i love your show this emailer says honey you're ruining our kid at gmail.com is the place to send your emails completely anonymous send it in and we will never reveal who you are so you can say whatever you want about whomever you want and i know it's a ridiculous email the amount of people who said i spelled it wrong the first time.

Yeah, I know. We need to change it up. What was I thinking? Let's change it up. Maybe it should be Tina Help Me. Or just the initials. Yeah. High Rock. High Rock. Tina Jarr, I was at your show in Glasgow. Shout out

to the most mental afternoon shows that ever took place. They were amazing. We did shows at 2 and 4 p.m. in the afternoon and I don't know Glasgow people love drinking in the afternoon. I was relating heavily to his kids and babysitting bit. That is one of my favorite bits of the show. My parents look after my three-year-old one day a week while I'm at work which I appreciate so much and you always have to say that which I am so appreciative of and I recognize that that is a big thing that they're doing for me and it is they want him to have a sleepover on the weekend which would be great for me too

they both drink alcohol every weekend my dad through the week too. I mean, you're explaining something to Irish people we just regard as totally normal. But I know where this is going. It's just been normal to me forever. How do I bring it up with them that I don't want them to drink while they're looking after my three-year-old? This is a great email. Yeah, especially a sleepover. I don't know why or how. I don't know what to do. I appreciate that it is a tricky question to answer. I thank you for your time.

I think it's a brilliant question because you can be guaranteed loads of people are having this that You can't quite tell your parents. And by the way. No. You know. This is really hard. One of them needs to be able to drive to the hospital. That's my angle on this Tina. Yeah.

That like you need to say. Lads if there is an emergency. Which of you is going to drive to the hospital. And kind of do it in a jokey way. That would be my suggestion. Yeah. I also. Maybe I'm just really naive, but I really think they probably won't drink when they're minding him.

Oh, no. No, no. No, you're absolutely wrong. Really? Absolutely. Absolutely. I think that it's lovely that you would think they wouldn't. But if what she's describing is this is their normality.

Okay. You know, they're like, they did this when they were parents, too. She's telling us they do it right like you know we all have had situations where you're sending a kid over to a house and you know oh they're really into whatever it is rock climbing can we just not climb any rocks this this weekend while my kid's there you know that yours is going to be the kid who hasn't got the experience and they're doing the family activity that they regard as absolutely normal abseiling down a rock face it's out of your hands now but also there's the gratitude mixed up in this isn't there that she's so abundantly grateful yes and she doesn't want

to rock the boat she doesn't want to rock the boat and sound ungrateful by going i get that you're doing this for me here's what i need this is really this one's got me really flummoxed because it's not really a child question it's more advice isn't it it's more like how do i approach how do i approach my parents uh first of all i would just be too afraid to like i'd be like oh i don't know what to do and find an article and whatsapp it to them about two grandparents that got in massive trouble i guess your suggestion is the best one to say to them absolutely this is such a great idea i'd love this which one of you would be the designated driver if something happens there won't nothing is going to happen i think i as a grandparent i would be

like that i'd be like come on you know i know more about raising kids than you yeah and that's that i as a grandparent i just would be like, I'm not going to drink alcohol when I'm minding my little guy. Well, here's the thing is like there's an acceptability with having a couple of drinks and looking after a child among a certain generation. OK. That on the one hand, we may need to just accept. We may need to just accept. Like I always say, drop the rope when it comes to an older generation i just think you're not going to change them no you can't you're not going to change they're not she's

right pushing at them will just make them maybe dig the hills and maybe they won't be as happy to mind him every week yeah um or do it sneakily tell you they weren't drinking they were yeah i think probably the other option here is to have a plan in place oh i know you can tell them that he wakes a lot during the night there's no way they can have drinks if he's doing that one of them has to be on the ball he hun they're just yeah they're still gonna do it and they'll be like he doesn't wake when he's with us that's because you don't hear him i'm just saying they will have every answer in the book i would go with have a plan in place have someone check in i think that's what you have to do if you're that concerned have someone check in or if there is an emergency and they get in touch you need to have the backup the person who's going to call over and drive them to the hospital should something take place that's a

good idea this is a tough one because i'm massively appreciative to your parents for taking care of our son uh when we're away and we travel a lot and. And I'll never be able to express my gratitude for that. I'll just never be able to put into words how appreciative. She just knows her kid is safe with somebody who loves them. Yeah. So, you know, when it comes to the sleepover, I think that, yeah, you need an extra layer of security. And that layer of security needs to be your friend Paula,

who you really trust. You say, listen, he's having a sleepover with the grandparents i know they always have a couple of cans um would it be okay that if that bloody thing kicks off if something happens that i give you a shout that's a really good idea and also a lot of grandparents will never offer ever there's a lot of people out there who have very disinterested grandparents. Or used to offer and won't do it again. And also, if it doesn't go well, you can just the next time be like, brilliant idea, let's plan that. I wonder what age your kid is. Three.

Three. Right. That's tough because you can't go, give me a debrief. You can with a three-year-old. Can you? Definitely. Sit them down on the ground with their toys and ask them loads of questions yeah yeah or start drawing bob the builder and it's amazing

what they'll do side by side with you everything you can ask them anything you just have to be careful you know a lot of it could be embellished yeah those were nice i wonder what he's doing now I'm trying to count that is we got an email from one of your ex students yeah because I'm going to Boston to do the show in Boston three shows in Boston in October November I don't know and this kid got in touch he's a grown man he's going to university at University of Massachusetts and he gets in touch with Tina used to be my teacher yeah is Tina coming Tina come and say hello to me yeah I was like oh my god that's so amazing and it made me feel so old here's the other question on this right Tina yeah like there's there's a lot bound up in this because she wants to continue to be able to let the kids stay with them yes but in reality

if this is going to be if the drinking is going to be excessive you may need to rethink that i really think that's yeah i think she's gonna like she doesn't have to rush into this but maybe she just really needs a night herself you know yeah if you're uncomfortable with it yeah to the level where you're emailing a podcast yeah i know it's a comedian and i'm not i'm not judging anybody who emails the show because tina's the one with the with the info here and she's seen it all and done it all but like but maybe your answer is in your question that if you are are this concerned, don't do it. Don't do it. You're always talking about your intuition, your gut, follow your gut.

If it feels not right, make an excuse. Or maybe do a few sleepovers with him. You know, maybe you and your kid have a few sleepovers there. Not really a sleepover then, is it? No, and it's hard because then the kid gets used to you being there and then when you're not there it's a big deal i really don't know i just worry for her because i know that you need that support and you don't want to rock it and i feel really bad for her that she's in this situation i really liked your idea of having the backup and extra layer of security yeah and seeing how it goes yeah you know yeah but it's very tough but like the the i do think

that you don't want to get into this with them i really feel like they might surprise her he's only three like they're not idiots they'll enjoy having a drink but they're not idiots they know they have to be on the ball they also might think you're over the top like a lot of people of that generation you think we're all helicopter parents when in reality we kind of see a little more danger than they did back in the day and probably there's definitely fewer kids with crutches there are yeah i mean everyone had one yeah i love to hear what she comes back with on this because there's loads of people in the same bind well look let's take anyone else i know you can't take it out of the family context but let's take it out of the family context if you had a babysitter and you found out they were

drinking while they were taking care of your child you'd go bananas it's over good luck never delete that number our babysitter used to go to sleep i mean why is there a different standard here because if your parents and you know they're gonna drink when the kid's there and that is a risk maybe she has a sibling who could just by coincidence be staying in the house at night maybe maybe that's not a bad idea there's an aunt or uncle that is not a bad idea there's an aunt or uncle there that's not a bad idea but now you've got three people to feel guilty about imposing upon um it's a very tricky one but i'd love to hear which of those suggestions you go with and if you're listening to this and you go i know exactly what you do here you pour all the drink down the sink. Oh, yeah.

I've been reading about kids lying. You have? Yeah. Since we recorded question number one. I've done so much research in the meantime, Tina, you wouldn't believe. I mean, I guess a question of lying does come down to the age group at which they're lying. Because three-year-olds are going to be like, I'm going to try your lie now. I don't think they even know they're doing it.

They're just kind of messing around. Yeah. They're definitely not doing it to be mean or to tell an elaborate thing. You know, they're just talking. Yeah. Just making sounds. Just making stuff up. Yeah. But not like...

And sometimes they're quite cute, the lies. Remember the particular car chase that was happening behind our car? still. Yeah. But not. And sometimes they're quite cute. The lies. Remember. So cute. The particular car chase that was happening behind our car. Two toddlers looking out the back window going,

there's a car chase back there. Literally a guard car passed. There's a whole car chase going on back there and the two of them in on the lie together.

Oh my God. And it got elaborated upon so much. They went good. They did a full 30 minutes. I kept having to remind myself that that didn't happen.

That didn't happen, yeah. But you even got an Instagram message just moments ago from somebody going, how do I get my kid to stop lying? Yeah. And I was like, I need more info. Most of the info on this says that it's around focusing the discussion on the value of honesty and having conversations about. And you know how that happened? Because they were honest. Really? Because they had the courage to tell the truth that that resulted in X, Y and Z.

You need your examples. And there's thousands of examples yeah but it's so hard with kids because sometimes i feel like when you that sounds really damning it's so hard with these kids it was easy everyone's doing it everyone is doing it that's not easy because sometimes i feel like our line on it has always been you are free the truth will set you free and it's light as a feather light as a feather whereas a lie takes a lot of work

and you can never really remember your lie accurately you cannot relax whereas even if it's the worst thing ever you tell the truth the person's always

going to be like well well done telling the truth when a kid's a bit older they say according to the stuff I'm reading the punishment needs to be

loss of privileges. Really? Yeah. I don't really like punishments. You can google how to make your kid stop lying and 99% of them will say that past the age of 13 it has to be, you told a lie you're losing screen time, you're losing this

but as you say, it has to be a warning before that yeah but i also think i really think the most effective way to stop a child lying is like i was saying they need to get caught in the lie and that shame that i still feel that is the reason you won't go towards the light the next time isn't some of it though just attention seeking behaviour? I don't know. And is there an argument for letting nature take its course?

Like as in, I know you're lying, but let's just see how this plays out. Well I mean sometimes you do have to judge it on the child. Every child is so different and maybe some children are doing it for attention. Other kids kind of believe their own shit. Because they say that people that go on to later in life,

and this is always the worry, and this is what began Honey, You're Really My Kid, was how do I stop my kid from growing up to be a gobshite? The whole concern is, oh my God, I've raised a liar. I have a liar, dishonest child, and that's it. I'm stuck with them. The person that goes on to be a compulsive liar, they say is somebody who hasn't received enough support as a kid or has gone through trauma

that way. You're joking. Yeah. That that person is seeking validation and concocting things to get approval from elsewhere. They could also just be comedians in general, just making up bullshit stories and telling them on stage. But, you know, we've all met liars. We've all worked with people where it's like, that's just made up. But it's awful. It's always like, how do you...

That it's traced back to trauma. I always think, yeah, well, that is awful. But I always think, how do you think... I don't know, you're lying. Well, this is always my thing with con artists. And I mikey our son was obsessed with you know people pulling off scams and stuff yeah which is so reassuring when you're the parent of that kind of child like we always said to him about it was that the scam artist's black spot is that they think everyone else is stupid assuming lack of intelligence and other people is what will result in your kid being a liar

if they assume everyone else is stupid and that I'll get away with this. People know. People figure it out. What do you do if your kid is causing havoc in the house, aside from lying? That's what our next email is about. I need your advice, Teenager. My 21-month-old wreaks

havoc on the house. He demands to be breastfed 24-7. Demands? He can barely tell. Yes, multiple feedings, even at night, and refuses food except for a couple of bites here and there throughout the day. He does not play independently and demands constant attention. Hey, hey, hey, you, play with me, that kind of stuff. What can I do to get him to play independently have less breast milk and eat more food regular food or am i expecting too much

for this age he has tantrums he hits others and himself when he doesn't get his way I am at a loss I really need your help so sorry for being silly during that but like that does sound like a lot

we're talking about a child who's one year so sorry nearly two years old yeah one year nine months old and

learning the world well yeah I mean I feel so sorry for this mom she's obviously exhausted um what should we tell her to do i think well he should have been introduced obviously to more solid food at this point sounds like he has yeah it's like he's just like nat prefer the boob thank you yeah well she, that's up to her whether she wants to keep breastfeeding or not,

but she still has to keep it all in, you know, what's the word? Level. He has to have the other food. Balance. Right. So, is this a case of a kid who thinks he's the king of the castle? This is like,

this is my house. well you are here to entertain and play with me well we know what's wrong here and i really always get very worried by saying this but like mom gives in yeah your kid is super clever he knows he knows if i do it enough she'll eventually break you haven't stuck to your word once or twice. I'm not assuming anything of you. Yeah. But he has figured you out. He knows it's not a solid no.

Yeah. These kids are so clever. It's amazing. And annoying. And annoying. But he's figured you out. He knows you don't really mean it when you say it. And he will just keep going till he gets what he wants.

Right. So that's the center of it. And what's so funny is when you say that, I will just keep going till he gets what he wants right so that's the center of it and like what's so funny is you know when you say that i am aware that i am that parent yeah you are tina is so clear like i don't say it's like training dogs but on some level a dog is so much happier knowing where they stand. And kids, there is a similar behavioral pattern in that they relax when it's like that's out of the quest. They absolutely feel safer when they know what's allowed of them

and their behavior is better when they know what the rules are. Because they're not in this kind of frazzled state of going, well, who knows what could happen. So is to, just before two, 21 months this kid is, too young for family meeting on the rules? Yeah, but... Sit down. Be so good. Well, also, like, he can't really be left playing on his own.

He's so small. Yeah, that's the independent play question. Yeah. That we all ultimately want our kid to be able to go off and entertain themselves. Of course you can pop him in like a playpen

or a pinned A cage. area. Yeah, a pit. But like he's very small. Now he should want to play like he it would be really helpful

for him to be using his imagination in play but like he's tiny. And this is where people wind up on screens, right? Yes. And it sounds like she's not taking that easy way. She's not taking that out, yeah.

Because more and more, I know I say it a lot, but kids are arriving into nursery in Montessori and they don't know how to play. And that is really, really tragic. And I mean, blocks. But moms need time to themselves. I think you're saying you're right. She's a bit young for independent play. is really, really tragic. And I mean, blocks. But moms need time to themselves. Like, I don't know. I think you're saying you're right.

She's a bit young for, you know, independent play. But, you know, this mom is probably trying to make the dinner. That's it. Oh, absolutely. And there's ways around it.

Like, you can pop them in their high chair with like a little puzzle, tabletop puzzle, Play-Doh. Unbelievable at this age. Painting. Blocks building.

Yeah, right. So now we're getting to it. So is Play-doh like a toy where it's like I want you to make this and surprise me

is that the way to encourage the independent players like go away make this and I want to see what you come back with well I would never

actually say it to the child I would never talk about oh this is my plan this is what I'm making you do because there's this old clever they will just push against it if they don't want that.

But what you have to do is you set up the game, you play it with them. Wait, just wait. They will get into the game. You fade out. When they look for you, you can come back in, play the game and fade out. So like Homer into the head. But we should never be trying to just like, that's it now. The play's over.

I don't have to be there anymore. Yeah, I'm out. Yeah. And also like using language like when he's crying for the boob, being like, of course, I know you love the milk, breast milk, mommy's boobie. But first we do this, then we do that. You know, just being very clear on this. It's happening first, then we do that.

And actually, if he loves it that much, that's great leverage. do that you know just being very clear on this it's happening first then we do that and actually if he loves it that much that's great leverage and also make sure you're putting the food out on a tray where there's different options for him to just you know explore and eat whatever he wants you know what's the there's no pressure if she doesn't get on top of this well he's just getting bigger he's getting more vocal and he's getting on top of this well he's just getting bigger he's getting more vocal and he's getting stronger and she already said he's hitting out now like it's very sad that a tiny baby that age is already hitting out and hitting himself so he is very frustrated i'd imagine he has a lot to say he's a lot on his mind and And maybe even just using like very simple now and next with him would be brilliant.

Right. You know. What does that look like? You know, saying, you know, he's crying for his play, for mummy to play with him. All she has to do is go, now mummy's doing this, next mummy will play with you. You know, now we're having dinner, then you can have the boob, you know. Yeah. And that's

the calming thing that you're talking about that's very relaxing it is so amazing when you introduced me to that how often I then saw people getting in rows

with their kids in public and I would look to you and go she didn't warn him what was coming didn't warn him

or just where we're going in the car or you're going to be expected to explain what's happening yeah um but like they take it in yeah and it's calming for them it's totally calming they know what's happening like with the food thing i definitely think she just needs to you know the tray with the different options definitely if you're still able to breastfeed that's an amazing thing you're doing for your child. No harm in that at all, but you have to be in control of that. I have controversially brought this up a few times. I know a lot of kids who were breastfed for way too long. And those kids...

Yeah, I'm not keeping the date over what's too long. Oh, I'm talking six and seven, eight. Six and seven. too long. Oh, I'm talking six and seven, eight. Six and seven. And I think those kids that I have met are some of the most entitled children I've ever met in my life. And all of them that I've met really treat their moms terribly. Like they're just, they're. Maybe a coinkydink. Oh yeah, I am like, but I'm just saying. Yeah. Be careful of how much you give over of yourself because i don't i haven't yet i've yet to see the gratitude for that it's so funny isn't it that the advice on the last question is clarity you know let them know

where you stand stick to your rules no means no have faith in that and everything will be okay so simple but so hard to do well even easier when they're that small because you can use distraction all the time it's when they get older it's harder to just distract them out of a situation because they're so clued in but at that age it's it really don't underestimate how quickly you can change their look over here or just by putting their hands what's this out the window just turn on the tap and let them play in the sink all of a sudden they've moved completely by whatever it was or give them a brush and let them brush the floor i have never seen anybody distract a kid better than you like kids who have burst themselves you will i just i just my heart breaks for them when they're

sad like that or when they're frustrated so i just want to get them out of that out of that place as fast as i can and you can do it you can teleport them somewhere else but anyone can do that anyone can do that it's just knowing that just change their change their attention i'm game show host yeah she knows the best children's presenter i've ever seen but i'm at my happiest is happening out here i think i saw a fox i am honestly that is me at your happiest yeah i am at my happiest when i went to little kids not to make the podcast weird but you're looking fierce well today okay charlotte and tina i need some advice here we go now this is a long one lads strap in i have a query on how to deal with this issue with my little girl who is just about to turn four her dad and i split up

when she was 18 months she doesn't have any memory of us being together but she's aware that we once did all live together her time is split almost equally between us she has recently been asking questions like mom why do you want not want us all to live together and my dad says you wanted him to live somewhere else her dad and i have a civil co-parenting relationship but we are not friends and there's a lot of hurt there we don't spend time together though i have suggested it and got no response from him i know she feels all this but i really don't know how to answer her questions in an appropriate way when her dad has framed it to her as something i alone didn't want there's no point in talking to him about it because he won't respond.

I've said things like, we weren't very happy living together, even though we both loved you so much. And I thought it was better that we didn't live together. But then there's a lot of, but why? And all your help would be appreciated here. Thanks so much for all you do. And thanks so much, Tina. Just to add, she's having a lot of separation anxiety at crash and drop off.

Extreme clinginess, crying to both of us for the past couple of months. Change over time is usually through crash, except for one Sunday at fortnight when her dad drops her back to me. Yesterday, it took at least half an hour before she was comfortable with her dad leaving. It's okay when we have that time, but in the morning rush, it gets hard. And it's actually, it's a hard thing to say,

but it's actually not in the child's interest to delay that changeover. Because if they're upset, they're going to be upset anyway. So staying there, it's just making it harder. Like when we talked about last week how we had a separation anxiety issue, but it wasn't actually Mikey, it was me. And only for my years and years of experience, I remember you saying to me,

Tina, you always say you have to drop and go and I'm like I know that but it was still so hard for me to do it because in those moments when your child is distressed which our child wasn't I was the one who was it's really hard it's really really hard but there are so many things we can if we if we deal with that part first the actual separation anxiety there are really amazing tools that mom and dad can use one of them is just having her having a job something that she has to remember to give the other person so her mind is somewhere else and she is on this task of having to hand over this thing. As in when she gets to crash, your first job is to get the mats out.

Exactly. You can get the teacher on board too. The teacher's really happy to see you. Or there's something in your hand. You're actually bringing in a book for the classroom that day. You have to actually give something over. And that is brilliant. I've seen that work so many times.

Another one that I actually love and a friend of mine used to do with her child is you can just draw a little heart on their wrist or on their hand. And anytime they're missing you, they can look at it and know that mommy or daddy is still with you. Because I don't know this family, but I can only imagine that this whole separation and the anxiety and all the questions is coming from the place of why can't my two favorite people in the world just be in the same house and then i would be so happy now she's only four so she can't actually figure out what she's thinking but emotionally she just wants everyone in the house it used there was a time when it was like that can we please just make that happen again and like that is so hard on the mom, especially when she doesn't have the dad's support. Yeah.

And he's muddying the waters there and not being clear and just keeping his emotions out of it. You know, mommy's trying very hard to be like, this is how it is because of this. And then daddy's throwing a few. Yeah. Well, if your mother just let me stay there, we'd still all be together. That's very tough. day there we'd still all be together that's very tough so I think what they need first of all is a really big wall planner either in the kitchen or downstairs I mean upstairs and or wherever wherever they sleep then if you can try and convince daddy to have the same one at his house

that child needs to visually be able to see her routine on the wall and whether you do that with pictures or if she can recognize your names she needs to visually see where she is going to be every single day of the week whose house is she in then as i said she needs to have a job going to nursery maybe the little heart and something to tell daddy when she sees them just you need to distract her so that she won't fall into those moments of absolute despair which is what she's feeling. You know, whether we can get really frustrated when we see our kids behave like that, but she is just in despair in those moments. So we just need to try and not let her get there.

Another thing you can do is those kind of worry stones. And, you know, that's her special stone in your pocket and she can take it out. And when she rubs it, she can think of mommy and mommy knows she's thinking of her now because she's only four a really useful tool at this age too is these beautiful stories like the invisible string or no matter what or owl babies owl baby is actually the best one reminding your child mommy and daddy's have to go sometimes but they will always come back and I actually when I was in touch with this mom I was saying to her that throughout the day in a different moments remind your child mommy loves you and sometimes mommy has to go away but what will mommy always

do mommy always comes back and just as you would a nursery rhyme when you're singing with your child and you let them finish the sentence you know oh mcdonald had a and they say farm with that sentence that statement you need to be like mommy goes but what does mommy always do she always comes back and it's just planting that in your head in their child's head so that she's confident that okay i don't need to worry when i go to school i get to just go in there and have fun my friends mommy will always come back now to do with the questions that's really hard when it gets into the why spiral but i really feel like mommy's doing a great job there you are dealing in the high ground you're also telling your child the truth and that is really

brave and really commendable and that will help her feel safer. It will also help her understand. It is absolutely okay, though, in those moments to say, I'm not really sure how to answer that question right now. I'm going to think about that and come back to you with an answer later. They'll never see that coming. Yeah. Or it's okay to say, yeah, I guess I've never thought about that. I'm going to think about that a little bit more.

Or thanks for asking me that. I love you so much. You're so kind. Wonder why. Just, you know,. You're so kind. Wonder why. Just, you know, you don't have to. It's great to answer the questions head on, but it is OK to also be like, I'll come back to you later. I love that question. Thanks for checking in. The temptation to say, Daddy says that you don't want us to live together.

The temptation to say, well, Daddy's also a bit of a bollocks. Oh, I know. It but be so i know but great that little girl loves mommy and daddy just the same and the mommy is really being but i what i mean is like just like if dad is you know muddying the waters i mean it must be so hard not to go that's a decision we both reached yeah i would really encourage her crash or her montessori whatever earlier setting she's in to do a bit about families like most places will do that most earlier settings but just for your child can see the different types of family units you know that's a great chance i hope that helps we've got we've got a lot more to talk about over on patreon.com forward slash

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