Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - My Ex Is Demonising Me, The Sore Loser & The Continual Soiler - S2E28

Episode Date: April 22, 2024

Jarlath did it. He ran another London Marathon. This time raising much needed funds for the brilliant Kidney Care UK. Even though his knee decided to give him trouble from 3km in, he never gave up. Kept going and finished like the champ he is. Myself and Mikey are so proud of him. Yesterday was so full of all the emotions. The wonderful Sonia O’Sullivan sorted us out with finish line seats. The view, the atmosphere, the hospitality and the people were absolutely amazing. While travelling to london I’ve been reading the most amazing book, "Anxious Children in an Anxious World".Massive shout out to the incredible Dr Mary O Kane who has taken the time to write a book that will help all of us be better parents. We absolutely recommend this book, so informative and such an easy, relaxing read. Question 1. This week an exhausted mum gets in touch about her 5 year olds continuous soiling in their pants. She has tried everything and feels like she is certain her little one is doing this from attention. For the reaction she gets every time and because of FOMO when playing with her friends or at family events? Is there anything left to try?? Tina goes for her most strict approach, one she only uses when shit gets real. Listen in to see what you think. Question 2- Parent alienation is such a tough subject and one we are really only beginning to fully understand. Last week a mom got in touch looking for help this week she is back with more detail. Question 3- How do you help your child become a gracious winner. Is it possible to tame the competitive spirit while also nurturing a natural desire to win. If post game tantrums are ruining your families fun times is it possible to retrain your child’s behaviour and make family game night a calm event again? Huge thank you to all our listeners who donated to Jars marathon charity. We are so grateful. Thank you as always tor listening to our show and helping it grow. We absolutely love making it. Emails always welcome, pop them over to [e-mail]. 

it's honey you're ruining our kid the parenting the zero judgment parenting podcast from the irishman abroad podcast network i forgot to say that a bunch of times but that's the center of what we do here uh tina is here sitting beside me hello she's the one with the knowledge came here for jokes i'm your man tina's the one with the knowledge. Came here for jokes. I'm your man. Tina's the one with 20 years of experience in the biz, working with kids with severe behaviour issues. There's nothing she hasn't seen. And the zero judgement kind of comes from having lived through a fair bit.

We don't really go into what happened to us in the birth of our son. But let's just say it wasn't straight it wasn't an easy ride it rarely is for anybody but no we definitely didn't come out at the end of it the parents we thought we were going to be yeah easy breezy don't worry about it let him fall exactly like that wasn't us no i thought i was gonna be miss Chill to the max mom, but. You gotta let him discover his limits. We were like, trauma changes you. If anything happens to this guy, if anything else happens to this guy. Yes. That's what it was.

It was two years of just everything happening to our little guy and just trying to keep him safe. So this weekend we're headed away to. We're recording early. Yeah, we're recording. Well, listen, we're we're when you hear this i'll have run the london marathon i'd imagine i'd have won it and i'll have a gold medal around my neck you keep saying that i can't believe it people are discounting the idea that i could win

this thing you could definitely win in your name category yes there's only one jarlet the only jarlet running it ramesh ranganathan's running it too but there's only one jarlet the only jarlet running it ramish rang and nathan's running it too but there's two ramishes so yeah i neither will be willie willie beat this other ramish we don't know but i definitely beat the other jarlets yeah um it's a big weekend last time mikey came with us our son came with us incredible helped me an incredible tour guide around london we didn't know exactly how much of London he had internalised. Yeah, he's incredible. It turns out he knew all the tube lines.

Everything. Exactly how to get to Tower Bridge. Exactly how to get back to Buckingham Palace. He was brilliant. I am going to be lost. I'm going to be lost. He doesn't want to come. He doesn't want to come.

He doesn't want to come. But it did make me think about how easy you are about going, Fran, you stay here and we'll head on versus trying to get you to take a night out or even two hours without checking on him all the time was very tough you were you'd ptsd from what you've been through with him oh like it took me forever to get through it definitely i'm still have moments where i'm back there but like he's 13 now but like i think if you hold if you ever have the misfortune of holding your baby in your arms and thinking your baby is gone yeah um you don't forget that easy no and especially when you were the one telling people there there's something wrong with my baby, for weeks.

Yeah. And everyone going, your baby's fine. You're over the top. Oh my God. Because you're sick, you think your baby's sick. No, I really think there's something wrong with him. We're saying it in that Irish mammy voice, but this was not just mammies in general.

No, that was the health nurse, the doctor, the head nurse in A&E. People walking by in the street I mean I brought him to everyone I could bring him to I really did you you were saying it too

you are Charlotte you are I was everyone thought I was being insane because the night before

he had his big hiccup we were in the hospital yeah because I had said you had said okay let's just bring him in yeah for peace of mind because I was like there's something wrong with him and I talked you down in the hospital. Yeah, because I had said, you had said, okay, let's just bring him in. Yeah. For peace of mind.

Because I was like, there's something wrong with him. And I talked you down in the hospital to believing what the doctors were saying. Well, the doctor said that thing again, which really was starting to annoy me. You aren't well. You're putting your illness on. You're assuming your child's not going to be well. I was like. Kind of accusing you of Munchausenens. Yeah, like, I was like.

All is not well here. Yeah, and you're so messed up. And you're not even really. Maybe I'm not. And he'd already been really sick. Okay, like, it's hard to actually get the text. Yeah, it's hard to. But the point is, the next day there was two ambulances at the house.

Yeah. And it looked like we weren't going to get him back. And when we got in there, that doctor, she never came to me. I remember avoiding your look. The scan showed up. He had so much fluid on his lungs. It was a miracle he was breathing at all. If you've been in a situation like this, this is probably going to be pretty triggering for you.

Yeah, sorry. I am so sorry. It doesn't even matter if it's your kid. It can be you. Yeah. And they never go, oh, yeah,'re right you know i did miss that yeah you know what i always say like there he is our little guy our little miracle man 13 years old we have him there are parents out there who don't have their babies and i do not know how they cope because i barely coped for

years and mikey was fine i always remember you on that first day of Montessori school sitting in a cafe looking at a hedge. I know. Beyond the hedge was the school. It's a mom and dad's on this podcast. It was like a meerkat at the window checking in case somehow he emerged through the hedge. Or if they needed to ring so I could be there straight away. I be there so she did this for weeks weeks and weeks weeks and weeks in that

coffee shop yeah on the other side of town yeah i was the reverse of most situations our child did not have separation anxiety i had it ten and luckily i met maraid and emma and they got me to leave the cafe and go for walks into town. We're kind of like the Mairead and Emma here. We're like the mom gang on some level for the dads as well. Yeah. Because some of the emails we've been getting in do cover this. And you've been reading an amazing book about the anxiety within kids themselves.

Oh, yes. This amazing Dr. Mary O'Kane. You guys probably know of her. She's always on Pat Kenny. Everyone, everyone seems to love this lady. I came to know this lady because she started just getting in touch and letting us know how much she was enjoying the podcast. So she's got taste.

Well, she's got taste, but she also seems to really want to big up other people. Boy people up. Yeah, yeah. And make the community bigger and help parents know there's more things out there which I think it's really nice. Rare enough in this doggy dog world.

Yeah, well it is rare enough and you know that I adore Laura Whitmore because she always making sure that everyone is getting a bit of time. Yeah, so what's the book about? I haven't touched it. It arrived the other day and I'm only a little bit into it.

I've scanned the whole thing. I'm saving it for the plane when we're flying to London. It's called Anxious Children in an Anxious World. Now, what's funny about this is my speed reading of every time she put up a picture about her book coming out, I thought her book was going to be about children with autism. I was super excited to read this book about children with autism. And then when it came, I was like, oh, my God, Tina, how the hell did you read that title that many times? Wrong. But I did.

But anyway, it's actually invaluable to me because we're all dealing with anxious children, no matter how happy your kid is. Anxiety is a real thing that we're all trying to cope with. And from what I've read so far, she's just putting it out there really plainly and really simple so it's really easy to understand and she's put out techniques and just even into why your child like helping parents understand what is happening why is this happening at all different ages and i just think that stuff is just so helpful so it's dr dr mario kane and anxious trials and anxious world uh yeah there was one line from it that you read out to me about preparing them for the the world and accepting that that's one of her own quotes

because she uses other people's quotes uh in the book but that's one of her own quotes and it was just it got me straight away i actually think think I took a vote. You've got that resilience in your kid, right? That it's not about producing a child that is free from worry, which is just absurd. Oh, I have it. It says, sometimes our job is to protect our children from the rain, to be the umbrella providing shelter. But more often, our job is to remind them they are brave enough to withstand stormy weather. I'm already crying. with that let's get on with the show and the thing that i'm addicted to watching on instagram for the past few weeks has been is my guide to running the london marathon what you're gonna do and it just goes through the course and makes it seem like it's a piece of piss which it's not um i know what you're addicted to run in the London Marathon. What are you going to do? And it just goes through the course

and makes it seem like it's a piece of piss, which it's not. I know what you're addicted to watching on Instagram. It's the cutest account ever. Making Millie... Oh my God, what's it called? It's a little tiny girl with Down syndrome. She's like three.

They're charting her journey. Yeah. And it is... Making millie's stones heart melting oh my god her mom's amazing first of all she was told she'd never walk because of her physical issues and the mom just did oh i'm saying this to charlotte like that mom just did all the exercises every day yeah and if you repeat're meant to do. And if you repeat, repeat, repeat. Repetition is the key to everything. This child is walking.

What's it called again, the account? Making Millie Milestones, I think. Oh, wow. Like this thing, guys. Get ready to have your heart melted. And she's also a rascal. Her attitude is brilliant. Like she's always like messing around.

And there's a little baby in the house now. And she definitely knows. It's been a little baby in the house now and she's definitely knows it's been a little bit rough it's a baby it's an eye-opener though for people who you know just don't know anything about kids with down syndrome to see this amazing character the actual essence of the account the mom feels so bad about how she reacted when she found out she was having a child with down syndrome that now she's on a mission to show the world. And she's also on a mission to stop putting limits on these children. And Millie, this gorgeous little girl, they didn't think she would talk either.

And just like I'm always trying to stress to parents, if you want your children to be big talkers and early talkers, use sign language when they're small in ireland we have the love it's an amazingly easy to learn sign language and you know worldwide they tend to use the love actually with children with special needs but it's incredible and this mom has done that using sign language promotes speech it actually it brings it on like mikey when did mikey start talking i don't remember him not talking like we're so blessed

I think he was born saying what time is it but like you used to get really like Tina come on oh my god Tina just wouldn't stop yapping to

well I had set up a little Montessori room in our house and we were doing work all the time I loved it the noise from the other room

when I was trying to write we were doing a lot of painting. Painting is messy. It's worked. The lad can talk for Ireland. But like, I just think it's an incredible, it's inspirational, this account. This mom is changing her daughter's life

and she's changing the lives of others because loads of people are following her and they're saying, okay, put in the work and who knows what your child can do. Whereas the marathon is the other way around. You can put in the work and then just get really excited at the start

and completely down your arse halfway through. Making Millie's stones. It's called making Millie's stones. My guys, the videos I've been watching, your guys going, right, first things first you're gonna get down the cut cutty sir you're gonna see all the people waving and cheering and i would

love to see an actual real version of one of these i may even do it where it's like you're gonna be more exhausted than you've ever been in your entire life you're gonna hate running by the end of it your nipples are gonna be chafed off and when people shout go on you can do it you're gonna feel like telling them to fuck off you give them a thumbs up and when you get to the final mile it's not good enough to have a charity you need to be able to picture somebody you hate in your head and be driven by rage to finish the race at least that's what worked for me uh i'm not talking from personal experience there but look we've got to get to this question tina i was on to you before i was on to you before about night training my middle child i'm looking for you

to work miracles again please brace yourself for this one it's a longy middle child six years old is soiling we have tried the gp private doctor spent a week in hospital where she received enemas daily taken movacol stool softener up to 12 a day taken laxatives to do clear outs, medically advised. She hated it. And we have weaned her off with things actually improving. Ignored the spiking and she will just... Ignored the spiking? What's that? Where does it say that? Ignored the spiking and she will just stay in her soiled underwear. Okay, so she's saying it evened off and then when they noticed

the behavior returning they've just ignored it and left her in her soiled underwear okay we've been ambivalent showed anger frustration towards it continuously talking to her about this any other memories or stresses she may have have got one of those worry rings for her to wear, play with. We've shown YouTube videos. We've read the books. We brought her to play therapist and psychotherapist. None of them can get her to open up. There's no trauma there to open up about.

We worked with her teachers. She has an amazing teacher at the moment who is trying so hard to get her to talk. We are currently trying to retrain her. So keeping her in for three days until she's soil free, then she's allowed play on the road again. She's so annoyed and really wants to go out, but goes back to soiling. No one can get her to open up and we can all see she is anxious goes right back to our book at the top of the show yeah anything she has opened up about we've worked through afraid something will come up the toilet and bite her on the bum afraid tina still thinks

that she's still worried about that in fairness I did once climb inside the toilet and attempt to do that. And that's probably where that trauma is coming from. She's afraid someone will hear or smell her. That must be a common one. Yeah, I bet that's from school. There's a shame to it. I bet that's from school. There were kids looking under the door.

That happens all the time. In school. Yeah. Which the teacher has addressed she is currently wearing a panty liner to give her some protection she had made huge strides when we insisted she goes to the loo she will go in alone and push without coaxing she's wiping her own butt perfectly now we have deducted that it's all by choice she has FOMO and won't come in to go so she's afraid of what she'll miss out during these toilet it's actually really brave of that mom to admit that because most of the time the problem is you can't get the parents to go to. Actually, I think my child's just doing this.

It's willful. Yeah. Yeah. Because they will look for everything else. Yesterday, she was having so much fun in the kitchen with her sister, she just pooed her pants. We've tried to explain she misses more time when we have to clean and change her than it would take to go to the loo.

That the fun goes with her and when she comes back the fun starts again she's not having it we are at the stage we're going to cancel the birthday party which i really don't want to have to do she's such a lovely kid she loves her birthday i'm sick of being the bad guy but she also can't keep soiling herself she's nearly six and the stress is killing me kids i'm afraid the kids will find out she will get an awful slagging or a nickname that sticks i mean well that's a real concern right not at this age because they're all doing it oh they're all they reckon they're all as bad as each other yeah all right please help also uh we saw you guys in dundrum a few weeks ago you have no idea the restraint it took not to give bear view massive hugs for your previous help and word vomit all over the above always say hello you guys were out with your family uh time is important well thank you so much to our own son

in dundrum the last time we were there we were definitely doing that yeah no like this is the thing this is a really brave email to send which i've no doubt about it there's going to be people listening going finally as somebody with a six-year-old who is afraid that going to the toilet they're going to miss out on the crack yeah well like last week we had the same issue but a different motivation for the behavior yeah and i really feel like this mom has given us so much information that is so helpful for me to know what they've tried and haven't tried and i know what's wrong i completely know what's going on here she is getting too much attention and especially the negative for the soiling for the soiling and it is hard for any parent to wrap their head around the fact

that that kid likes it when you're mad at them they like it because you're looking at them you're with them they have them all you all to themselves and when she rises you by doing it she's loving it and she doesn't need it's not a conscious thing but she has her mommy or daddy or whoever is with her talking to her with her by themselves and that is how she gets it how do you know this stuff well i can't say 100 i know this because i'm not with the child no no no no but if that makes total from the science of this email and everything they've gone through because they're so committed they're so amazing these parents are incredible good and i know what i would tell a mom in my class to do and i hope this will help you because

i haven't gotten back to this mom yet because when i read it i was like oh holy god i was like oh jesus what do i do here because it is hard because more so that it's not really for themselves from now on every time she soils nothing no words you take her by the hand you're not not cross to her there's no punishment to be done it's just silence silence no eye contact and silence you bring her to your room you lay out clothes you leave the room she soils she's nearly six she's well able to change herself she tidies up she puts her pants in the bin she puts her clothes in the wash and that is your new routine when she does it and if it's hard for you which of course it is it would drive me bananas you count you count in your head as long as you need to count because you do not give the eye contact and you do not

talk to her she she is searching for this one-to-one time and she's associated it with this negative pattern of her behavior and what you have to remember to do then is she doesn't get in trouble for it it's it is way worse punishment not talking or giving eye contact to your child. Like that will really affect her. And I feel bad saying that, but it really will. And hopefully it will get her to stop doing it straight away if you stay strong and do it right. Yeah, because it says mom is beyond. Yeah, it's like there's nothing there.

Upsetment. Yeah. And also it's really important then that you do not mention it any of the family nothing nothing gets said about it and when hopefully she comes back down and she's doing something else come in

really fast with I love what you're doing and give her a hug you need to associate behaviours with positive things she'll need affection positive behaviours positive feedback you need to name it and be like to associate behaviors with positive things she'll need affection positive behaviors positive feedback you need to name it and be like oh it's good to see you i'm so excited to have dinner let's all have food together give us a hug don't mention the pooing again right so don't even say we missed you while you were gone god don't don't acknowledge it at all no because that behavior

needs to be stamped out by her getting zero so So now you're back. Just act like it never occurred. And if she will push back on this, she will try and bring it up. She will do it again. She'll do a bad job of cleaning herself up. She will really try and get you because without knowing it, she is really searching out for these moments where she gets alone time with mom it's tough though isn't it well like i mean i only feel safe giving that advice because they brought her to the doctor they brought her to play therapist they've really examined every other idea and the mom has offered up i really think it's fomo and stuff but i really feel like she is

loving that time she gets with her mom and i feel like if she's brave enough to try this and i mean hopefully in two weeks this is in the past my final question on this is that's obviously a really powerful tool yeah but you don't want to misuse it. It's not specific for a kid soiling themselves long term. No. When else would you advise somebody to do something like that? Only when it's a drastic behavior like this. Like not going to bed? Yeah, because it will hurt your child's feelings.

And we never want to do that. And when you go and when you when you go silent and you don't give eye contact they're going to really you know well they're going to accelerate their behavior because they're not getting what this bad behavior normally gets and so now they're going to push it even further so when you've got to be ready you've got to steal yourself and be so calm and then also like i, find other moments where you can give them hugs and tell them they're amazing and give them the eye contact. And you're retraining your child to search for the stimulus other places.

But I'm, look, I know that's going to hurt that child's feelings, but it will work if you do it right. But don't misuse it. Don't be like, you know, don't make it too long. You know, just quietly bring them up to the room. Don't say anything. Lay out the clothes. Do not look at them.

Leave the room. She's all enough to figure out. She knows she soiled herself. She can do the rest. When she brings in, even if you have to help her put stuff in the washing machine, do it silently. If you have to help her bin her pants, do it move on to something else she does not get attention for that

sometimes when i hear you say these strategies that you're using tina i hear you and i go no wonder is she using that on me i definitely find it easier to do to use it my approach is with you than mikey you don't really yeah really good to know you're much more obedient because i started to feel today that you had me figured out i don't lead up to the marathon i don't have you it's normal i believe to get a little bit anxious yeah maybe a little bit down and uh said maybe we should just go and buy these runners you really want and i immediately perked up hold on hold on hang on no you think you've got me figured out? That's not what happened.

I thought, you know what? You definitely deserve a present for running that long. Do I? Yeah, I think so. I would want a present. And I thought, rather than me buy you another print or another jumper that you won't wear, I do love those. you should get the runners you want. Those runners are ridiculous looking and expensive.

They are absurd. But I'm going to review them on the Irishman running a rod. I have two pairs of runners in two separate boxes, both of which are big rivals in the running community. There'll be moms and dads listening to this going, I couldn't give a fuck. I definitely couldn't give a fuck. For those listening to the Sonia Sullivan podcast,

they're going to be excited to hear the comparison between these two ridiculously overpriced shoes yeah can they make you faster because that's what they're selling super shoes coming up an irishman running abroad now back to the questions this is a follow-up question from last week we have more information for you guys last week we asked this person for more information on their predic last week we asked this person for more information on their predicament here we go hi teenager i just listened to the podcast with my question read out that is a cool moment i'd imagine anytime i had my thing read out on the radio i was always like ah yeah so hopefully we can get to the bottom of this thank you so much

for the suggestions i won't be getting back to you anytime soon with a resolution though the children will be at least teenagers probably before i see a result and hopefully a resolution please god so what was this in this case this is the parental isolation oh my god the parental alienation case where this mom felt that when the kids went away to the dad that they were coming back and had kind of been indoctrinated not to like yeah i think not feeling definitely evidence support yeah so she says i agree that it's a fair possibility that the children might be adding to the stories and comments etc that daddy says jar asks for examples of the comments here's some these might give an insight into the situation each one starts

with daddy says he doesn't like your eyes mommy i mean i can't barely read that. Can you imagine saying that to your kids? Daddy says he doesn't like your eyes. Mommy. Daddy says he wants to spend more time with us, but you won't let him. Mommy. Daddy says Mommy's bold. I mean, this is like you might think that that sounds crazy if you're listening to this but those three they're well he's deep impact he's teaching them to not respect or in fact

like their own mother daddy says to tell you no more hitting me daddy says he does not want the christmas gifts we gave him because he said they were from you and he wants to send them back yikes daddy says you're stupid mommy now i i don't know what i do in this scenario but she says only the last week my five-year-old said when we were with daddy we saw you in the supermarket, Mummy. I replied, oh, why didn't you come up and say hello? Her kid said we were in another aisle and Daddy would attack you like before. This was really shocking to hear, discover, as I never have said such a thing with being conscious of not letting them hear about

the differences between their parents. Unfortunately, I have to say this comment is very likely to happen as we don't know what way their dad will behave if we bump into each other when out and about. Thankfully, we live an hour away from each other. My little boy also has said negative things about my parents, who have a very close relationship with him and his brother. Thank you for the book recommendation. She says, Don't Hug Your Mother, which was absolutely superb book. She can get on Amazon written by a close friend of mine. She says, I'm flat out reading and educating preparing myself but i really appreciate having these tools and she also says thank you for sharing another podcast to help our children who are in tomorrow's world as she says i have the

most amazing counselor and this is yeah so we were worried that she's not carving out time for herself yeah and in this email she luckily is i'm not sure we should read that though it's too personal okay but she definitely is making sure that she's taking care because it just seemed like she was doing so much for her kids we were really worried for her so she says at the end though there's one particular parenting course that she recommends called parenting plus uh it's the one she did and which was free and it's run by a resource resource centers and has been a massive asset uh solo parent or not this is a gem to cope with little ones their tantrums which every child has let's be honest um really great to hear back on this but what do you make of that well i i mean i just feel so awful for her because like how do you not react to those things but she has to find

it somewhere in herself just to when they say things like that to say thank you for telling me mommy loves you and mommy loves your eyes i love that that you love my eyes. You kind of have to make it into a positive without saying anything negative about the father because you don't want those kids are going to grow up and they will quickly realize mommy doesn't say anything mean. It's only daddy. And that's where I was like when I heard this, I was like, is there any harm in saying when they say something like daddy says he doesn't like your eyes uh saying something along the lines of well daddy can think what he likes but i would never say something like that about anybody i think it would be easier for the child if you didn't like that yeah because engaging in it you are whether you like it or not saying something awful about their dad and they just temptation to be like daddy's a fucking dick

yeah but that's their dad forever and look daddy's already let himself down and the kids will see it but it's easier for her in the long term if she just goes, thank you for telling me that I love you. I'm sorry daddy said that. Thank you for telling me I love you. And then you just have this safe place with your kids where they know mommy actually doesn't get angry and they need to get it off their chest. They're horrified.

Yeah. This is the woman they love more than anyone else in the world. If you explode, you won't hear another one no you won't actually hear what's going on they adore their mommy yeah um i think it's really sad that the kid knew not to say mommy was there so that to me shows me that he knows what daddy is doing is wrong and he wouldn't want daddy to say the things he's saying to the kids to mommy so the don't hug your mother book that we mentioned there um i did an interview with the two authors of that book and irish run abroad yeah and you can go back in the archive if you want to go over to patreon it's

on there in full but it's they detailed how they twigged it years later it was a long time but they weren't getting to see their mother she got they lost she lost custody yeah and they lived with the dad and it wasn't until they were grown men that they figured out a very different case yeah but but uh that's that's but that book helps an awful lot of people and it's got a lot of people. And also that man himself is helping a lot of people. So there is a community out there. But I just think this mum is amazing. And if she can find it in herself just to not react when the children are telling her. Because that safety, that circle of honesty you have with your kids is precious.

And like you say, jarlett they will stop telling her if they think she's going to react or get angry yeah i i know my suggestion was a bit silly but i don't know about you saying that like you can guide them into well i we don't speak like that about people who are here you know like how do you do that? You can always do that later. Later on, not in reaction, not in reaction to the comments. Also, I think just one last thing on this. She needs to get a notebook and date it and write all this down. She needs to record it and have evidence if it should it escalate.

And I really think when it's like this this she needs to it's in her interest to go to the teacher or the principal of her kids school because your kids are going to say these things at school and it will help your teacher know what's actually going on if they're informed rather than them you know calling the two of you in for a meeting and not and it being really awkward and horrifying for you it's easy because the kids will say it they just will well thank you so much for getting in touch with this email honey you're ruining our kid at gmail.com is the email address if you've got anything and you think that maybe this is something they've never had on the show don't hesitate

don't hesitate because regardless of whether Tina's seen the behaviour or been in the situation, we will do everything we can to try and help. Is there anything in that book that you mentioned at the start of the show around playing games, competitiveness and good sportsmanship i'm not sure yet i'm not there yet i'm only at the beginnings of it like i'm fascinated by this side of things right because everybody gets raised in their own scenario where the view of playing games is different and some people as we can see from five-a-side football, some people get better guidance than others.

Yes, yes. When you attend a party where a board game is played, you suddenly get a window into the childhood of the person who is trying to crush everyone else. Yeah, the childhood, but also what the child has been allowed to believe. How they've been allowed to behave. Yeah, yeah. Games in your house when you were little.

How did the game tend to end? How do I put this? Well, all was well, apart from if gambling was involved. I've told you this before. Fancy paper. I had very precious fancy paper, as did my sister, as did my best friend. And once the fancy paper was put on the table to make things interesting.

To make games of Monopoly interesting. Went bananas. I love this so much so you as little cutie pie Tina with the curly blonde hair was gambling fancy paper

against other girls while playing Monopoly care to make this interesting let's make it very interesting teddy bear notepad anyone and envelopes oh suddenly notepad are you crazy

it'd be one piece of paper one what one piece of literally reeling it off a wad but you would never no one would ever want the fancy paper you had if you had of it, it was your prized ones. The ones you only had one of. Single sheets. Yeah, you know. I don't know, Tina, I didn't collect fancy paper. I still have my fancy paper. Substairs in a boulder. So what would happen when the fancy paper got involved?

Pure devastation. When you lost. Yeah, and I was kind of the oldest of the people we were doing this with on my road. So I would go straight into, this is a bad idea. After you lost. Yeah, but I would always give over my fancy paper in the end. This question is going to really ring your bell here today. Dear Tina and Jareth, love the show.

Hoping you can help me this week. My son is nine. He is generally a great kid, loving and very smart. Sometimes when playing, he will get mad. If he or his team doesn't win, we'll raise his voice saying the game wasn't fair or he wasn't ready and we'll end up crying. This is not recurring.

It just happens occasionally. On Friday during PE class. He told the teacher he didn't want to be on the assigned team. Because that team wouldn't win. Oh no no no. Insulting the whole squad. Oh no no no. And later he didn't want to play at all.

Because that was a useless game. And that doesn't teach them anything holy moly i love this kid's moxie he said in front of the teacher and with other students present raised his voice and ended up crying i learned about this today from his teacher and he didn't tell me anything the child didn't mention it so he knows he knows well yeah so what punishment do you think would be appropriate that's the first question what's the punishment right none how do you i support him to control his behavior when he has these strong feelings thank you in advance i hope you are all blessed with healthy happy kids what a

lovely sign off um well he shouldn't be punished for that i mean the teacher having a school the teacher had to deal with it that's that that's done he hasn't actually told you yet so he knows himself that's not good behavior i would be way more along the lines of go to him and say sweetheart we've noticed at home it's hard to play games with you. You get too emotionally involved. And now this week your teachers had to come to us and tell us that you got like this at school. And we need to talk about this because while we want to keep your spirit for winning alive,

we cannot limit other children's potentials. Don't presume to know how they're going to be in this game. Don't presume to think that they don't want to win as much as you. You'd say all of this to a nine-year-old. Absolutely. Nine-year-olds are so grown up. Well, is this a question of competitive spirit? Or is this a question of emotional regulation and maturity?

It's both. Because one of them, you don't want to dampen. I think for a little while and in some schools you're still doing it sports day everyone got the medal and i was like this is bullshit what about the kid who's brilliant at running they get the medal that's fair i'm with you and i'm not with you right i i'm all for participation medals for everyone. Everyone should go home with a medal. Nah. But allow me to finish me fecking sentence.

Okay, and I will tell you why this is not good. Everybody gets a medal, but the winner does walk away with the cup. I'll tell you why that's not healthy. Because I have been there for the chats with the kids who are like, you don't even have to try and you get a medal they're giving out medals have you been there for the chat when the kid that did win the race goes you guys got loser medals i got the cup no i've been there where for the kid who's won the race and thinks it's totally unfair that everyone got medals but did they

receive the cup charlotte this is my point it's like if you get if everybody gets a t-shirt for going to cool camp that is not a victory they'll understand that this is for your participation no they will also understand yeah but there's a podium no i think the child who doesn't get the medal if they really want, will work hard and determine to get that medal. But the child who doesn't want the medal isn't going to care about getting the medal or not getting the medal. Can't two things be true at the same time? Well, I think it's just unfair. And I also think it's dangerous.

I think it's unfair in the kid who really tried and practiced and won. And I think it's dangerous for the kids who didn't really try. And then all of a sudden they're coasting through life because they're like things work out, everything will be OK. Look at all my medals, I got those for nothing. And you're right, you don't. If this kid is motivated in sports and they need help to channel it they need help to control it and to use that energy uh because we all remember the kid who went on to be a great sports person but in their early years they were just out there to destroy and elbow everybody in the face to win

and also like there is this it's a really hard one to parent because there is this there is proof as well that the great sports people you know watch neil brennan's stand-up special this week and he said uh that uh you know we're all playing paying lip service to emotional well-being and mental health but that all the truly great sports people were all crazy and look i i don't think that we should even discuss the michael jordans and tiger woods and lance armstrongs of this world because you're talking about less than zero zero zero zero zero point one percent and this is why i'm all for coaching kids with a view to their life involving the sport not with a view to them making the olympic squad that if we're trying to your conversation with this kid as a coach i'm so so proud of my my coaching this year but as a coach i think your conversation with them is you want return business

you want people to want to play with yes that is really important kids to come back and go hey sean's cool to play five a side with he doesn't slate the whole team at the end of the match well that is really important you're the reason we lost. Because this kid is choosing to forego the thing he enjoys. Yes. For the win and the point. And also he's willing to forego it rather than play with people he doesn't think are at the same level as him. And that is not good.

That is really rude behavior. And I think that you're right. The mom needs to say, do you like getting to play these games well you know the more you play it the better everyone will get this could be a good opportunity for a role play where you and your son and i love a good role play um not to make the podcast weird but i think that if you're too if he's having difficulty understanding this and they can at time particularly at nine be like no but you don't understand yeah we weren't gonna learn anything play it out yeah play it out let dad be the coach yeah or whoever be the coach

and be like girls gonna catch his tail don't limit me so sexist and just play the role of a quiet teammate let him play the role of a quiet teammate who says nothing and you be the outspoken one and see how he enjoys it i'm not gonna play with him i will lose this this is a not a fair team if i'm with this guy yeah also i think though this is when the actual coaches need to step in need to step in mom and dad can only do so much and let's be honest sometimes they're the last people the child might listen to whereas the coach his actual coach has a responsibility to coach well i know you have one more brilliant component to your answer on this that I have seen written down. And this is a game changer.

You're going to need to come over to Patreon.com forward slash Irishman abroad to hear the rest of this answer and a chunk more. Every single week, there's extra content on Patreon, extra large episodes for the price of a five or a month. You get to support the podcast creation of our show can't go on without the support of our best members if you can't afford to do it you'll be paying for the people that can't tina thanks so much i'll see you over on the other side of patreon