Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - My House My Rules? Divorced Parents, Surgery & Separation Anxiety S2E10

Episode Date: November 13, 2023

The Regan’s are back with another episode of Honey You’re Ruining Our kid, accompanied by the tranquil sound effects of storm Debi. Jarlath and Tina start the show talking about the storms that can pass through our own parenting life. How do we navigate them? How do we get over them and how do learn from them? Question 1.When you’re separated from your partner, but you’ve been co-parenting really well for years, what do you do when they move house and start moving the rules. How can you reach them and get them to understand your worries? Or do you need to just have these open conversations with your kids? Question 2. If your child is about to have surgery how do you manage their anxiety and yours? Jarlath has brilliant advice for this mum. Through lived experience he knows the most important care is the after care. He directs this mum to seek that out. Question 3.If you’re already trying everything what can you do to possibly help your child with their separation anxiety. Tina traces everything back to feelings and if our children know how to process them. There is never too much work that can be done on feelings. We need to help our children understand and face them. Pop over to Patreon to get so much more Honey! You're Ruining Our Kid! laughs and email replies. How did the advice work out for the parents involved. What do you do when your teenager is starting to push your buttons on purpose! Email [e-mail]

This might be the most professional I've ever been in my life. Well, maybe a more professional thing would have been to record the podcast before the storm hit. Yeah, I think that may be it. We see this coming then I'm... Well, I blame the school. Normally Mikey's on the bus and we come in and record and it's all... It's all tiggity-boo. Tiggity-boo.

But it is now seven o'clock in the morning on the day Storm Debbie arrived in Ireland and we are recording our episode for you because this is a banger and because it's the deal

isn't it that you get your podcast from us every Monday morning during term time at 9am yeah thank you so much

for subscribing rating and commenting loads of you've gone over and done that thank you so much for subscribing, rating and commenting. Loads of you have gone over and done that. Thank you so much. Really, really, really appreciate it. I have got that croaky early morning voice. That's pretty lovely. I don't know about that. But really I've been the last little while trying to figure out exactly how tired I am. Sometimes you don't want to know. it's like don't look at your bank

balance because you've always got less yeah but you're actually being told exactly how tired you are now so new gadget putting on a little heart strap and getting a hrv reading because i don't think i'm very good at listening to my body no or your wife or my wife yeah actually you know what i'm really good at listening to my wife and you guys tell me if this is happening in your house, that Tina will give me advice for ages on one thing and say it quite a few times. Like, hmm, interesting. Then someone else will say it.

And then I'll be like, that is so true. And I never mind when that happens. You don't. I never have flames coming out of the top of my head. No. No. You don't shoot lava at your ears. Or my arms.

Or go, there's a swatch you always do. But, you know, the advice contained in these episodes has been helping people up and down the country, all across the world. And we're really grateful to get the feedback, to hear that it has worked. Yeah. No, that's amazing. We love that. And I'm so, no, that's amazing. We love that. And I'm so, so, oh, so relieved. Storm Debbie made me think of one thing, one thing only.

We definitely went through a period in England where there was one mom at the school. Yeah. I won't say what she's called, who made our life a misery for a bit. Actually, when I look back on it i never blame her i think the school handled it really poorly so i didn't think it was a worse topic to talk about to start things off if you're going through your own little storm at school where there's you know there can be conflict between parents on certain silly things yeah such as your kid said this certain silly things yeah such as your kid said this my kid isn't like that how dare you say that about my kid yeah and that was what was so unfortunate here because a little incident

had happened at the school between two kids one of them being ours and it was just you know a bit of silliness young kids i mean they were only what eight at the time but i wasn't upset with the other kid at all. I was actually upset with my own kid because he allowed what happened to happen to him rather. Yeah, it was basic. Like, it was very basic kind of tomfoolery. Yeah. Poking each other's stuff, you know.

Rather than tell that child to stop or say to the teacher, can you help me? He endured it. His main concern was that child getting in trouble. Yeah. So he was willing to get hurt rather than cause a fuss. And that really worried me because I was like, there's people pleasing and then there's like... And then there's a pushover. Yeah, then I'll put myself in danger for the sake of others.

Yeah. So I gently said to the teacher, look, his confidence isn't great. And sometimes he just needs a different voice to say if something like this has happened it is absolutely okay to say stop I don't like that you know and in fact it's not just okay it's essential yeah of course you know and I think perhaps because it was a girl as well it was a little bit of you know like you didn't want to be that guy pushed around by a girl no but also he didn't want to be mean to the girl that was his main thing he just didn't want to upset the girl but that is literally that is it that is all i said i said can you work on his confidence and she went to the other mom to the mom of the other

kid yeah and told the other mom what had happened even though i i specifically asked them not to do it i said i am not upset with that child because i worked in the school even though i i specifically asked them not to do it i said i am not upset with that child because i worked in the school too so i was like i'm not upset with that child at all please don't make this a thing i'm actually upset that my own child doesn't know how to stand up for himself and i think we need to get this and you know we need to help him now unfortunately that mom didn't take it well she had a lot of issues a lot of issues and she definitely say that well she did have a lot of issues can we why can't we say she had issues the poor woman had so many issues i'm saying it okay and uh so she didn't quite

sometimes know what was real and what wasn't real i'm sorry but that was what we were faced with and she heard whatever she was told and she multiplied it by a million. And within the next day, I'm being told my life's in danger. This is what happened. Yeah, this is what happened. I had to have, like, people, security at the school gates. I was so angry at the school. I was never angry at the mom because I thought, you know what?

It was so silly of you to go to that mom because she was never going to be able to understand. How was it said to her to result in this reaction? Well, who knows? But what Mikey couldn't do is not something I can't do. And that was the only thing that happened in my favor. When she came at me, I was able to be like, enough. You do not know what you're talking about. I never complained about your child. Leave me alone now. It went on be like, enough. You do not know what you're talking about. I never complained about your child.

Leave me alone now. It went on and on, though. It went on and on. But she wasn't, she was never expecting, I think she thought I was going to be like crying and stuff. She wasn't expecting me to stand tall and be like, back the fuck off. Back off, yeah.

So, but I was never angry at her. I was angry at the school. But sure, anyway, like fast forward four years later and the woman didn't even remember what had happened. She didn't actually remember it. She knew that she was mad at you because this went on for months and months where I would have to make sure that Tina

couldn't be at the school and accompanied. And this is the terrible thing. Because I'm Irish, every time I saw her, I said hello. Yeah, you should have been blanking her. Because I said hello to everyone. And every time I saw her, I'd be like, been blanking her because i said hello to everyone and every time i saw her i'd be like hello and she'd be like what the fuck and i'd be like i'd be slapping my head going what the fuck did i say hello again oh well look what's your advice then for excuse me what's your advice then for a mom or dad who's

having one of these rackery raw that's rule you well what's my advice my regrets were i do not regret asking the teacher to help my child that never happened by the way they didn't follow through on that be afraid to get the school involved when something's happening but what i would say is you gotta be really clear like i thought i was clear but i wasn't clear enough and I do not want that other child given out to. I don't think that child, I know it was just silliness

and I don't want to make a big deal of this because I knew if it became a big deal, Mikey would be embarrassed. He would be the one who suffered more. And he may not recover from it. Like, unfortunately, it did go on for years. Yeah.

But then I was due to have another one of her children come into my classroom. And I was very anxious. And I thought, well, I just have to be as respectful to her as I would be to any other parent in my class. And it was like it never had happened. Wow. And I really feel like for that whole year, it was like it had never happened at all. And I've been four years of my life where I was like, oh, God, here we go. Because people change schools in these situations.

Yeah. Some people will just go, get it. We can't figure this out. This person's dangerous. I'm not going to risk this. Well, she was dangerous, unfortunately. But luckily, nothing like that ever happened. Because I think dealing with it as well

as i did the first time she came at me in the playground she was she wasn't able to just walk all over me so she she did in her own way back off you know you know what the other thing that this reminded me of was how that teacher that went to her when she was told don't oh that teacher like crazy stuff crazy stuff you're literally told like she could have lost her job for that yeah she could have if this was like i think you because the complication was you working in the school yeah but if you weren't working in the school i think you would have to go in get a meeting oh i would have complained but it was too hard i'm sorry i directed your teacher not to do that. That teacher was too good friends with the principal. It was just old internal politics, you know.

It also reminded me of how certain parents, when you ask your parents, like when I ask my parents, don't say this to the person. It's almost like a magnet. They've got to say it. Yeah, you're so right. And you're like, okay, so this isn't the strictest of confidence, Mom. It's like it doesn't go in.

And that's probably all that happened with this teacher. And you know, it's different styles of teaching too, because I would never have done what she did. So in my brain, I just assumed she operated like me. But she was more old school than me. Because I was like, respect the child. I know what old-school than me because i was like respect the child that's all what needs to happen here i'm all about respect the child respect and uh she was more for the drama i don't know about you team but i'm having difficulty getting my brain

to work here but it is gonna happen i just had a milky way that's how i'm a milky way okay let's get to it. Okay, so just so you guys know before we start reading the questions today, I haven't seen them. So Tina gets these emails to honeyyou'reruiningourkid at gmail.com. And you can email the show. The link is in the bio. I would say I haven't read these. These are all fresh off the dome for me.

So if I fumble a word here, don't worry about it. But this is as new to me as it is you good morning i'm sorry for the long post here but i really need some advice this parent says so my husband and myself are going through a divorce and we got on well and we have always had an understanding of our four children's well-being to an extent and they all came to live with me when we split but he has them two nights a week and one full day at the weekend he is moving into his partner of 18 months house in a completely new town half an hour away somewhere my kids have never been last week he asked if my 12-year-old daughter, 13 next week, could go onto the train to the town, to which I said absolutely not. I don't feel comfortable with her doing that. My children are not streetwise.

So many, so many people relating to that. My daughter is allowed to go out with her friends in some parts of the village that she has lived in all her life, which she only started doing when she was 11 or 12. But anyway, we compromised that we will take it in stages of her going on a train in a few months when I get my head around the idea. Very fair. head around the idea very fair fair enough my daughter told me a few days later that they had let her go to the supermarket up the road on her own as in her partner had but then i find out this morning he let my nine-year-old son who is autistic it's another story as he won't accept there is anything there with him uh go to the park on his own i honestly felt sick to think he let them go to these places on their own on the first day of them being there am i overreacting very tough even how do you deal with these emails that's that's incredibly cool of this person to open up in this way well like my heart goes out to her like so much because

her husband her ex-husband who they've been co-parenting with well what seems like for a long time he's the one who decided to move to another town, so he's the one who should have taken more time to think about the logistics of that. She probably assumed he had. But now she's being faced with the fact that he's not actually willing to come collect the kids. He wants them to get there by train.

You know? And when they're with him, he's not actually entertaining his kids. He's letting them go off on their own. I never want to divorce you because I feel like these are the conversations that I'd be having. You're the one that decided to get divorced. I do feel to divorce you because I feel like these are the conversations that I'd be having.

You're the one that decided to get divorced. I do feel sorry for her. So you're going to have to live with the consequences. That's not that helpful. I get that. And I'm telling you, what I'm going to say is that, unfortunately, it sounds like her husband's not reachable. Like, she's not going to be able to convince him that he's doing things wrong. He's seeing himself as a parent parent which he is yeah and when his kids are in his care he's making his own parenting decisions so she's gonna have to go to her own kids and she's gonna have

to open up to them about the worries and anxiety she has when they're with their dad because while she loves her dad and she knows he's a great dad she he's allowing them to do things that she's not comfortable with yet and that maybe if you don't feel comfortable with it because there's a good chance that nine-year-old was a bit afraid going to the park by himself because he'd know well i'm not allowed to do this that you are brave enough to say to your dad, that's not really something I'm allowed to eat. Okay, let me throw my two cents in here because I think that he's forced her hand. That's the way I would view it. Well, she has if she's overreacting, but I definitely don't think she is. But sorry, Dara, I didn't mean to.

He's forced her hand in that eventually these kids will be allowed to go on trains and go to the park by themselves. Yeah, but they are very small, Dara. Eventually they will. All he's done is bring that deadline forward. So I feel for this mom. I really do. But I know there's shit all she can do about it because he is the dad.

He's an equal parent to her and he is allowed to make his own decisions when the kids are with him. So all she can do is prep them. What does that look like? Well, i feel like she needs to sit them down and arm them with the knowledge that if their dad says they can do something they don't feel comfortable with it is okay to say to your dad i don't really like going to the park on my own that's okay to say that you don't have to be afraid to say things if you're not comfortable with them there's every chance that 12 year old is afraid on that train journey you know she's not quite

there yet the dad's only thinking about the dad he's not actually taking into kids feelings and the mom is consumed with anxiety because she is she's completely considering them he's only doing what suits him yeah so like the difficulty is what if they like the 12 year old more than likely would look quite like to go on the train like this is the difficulty is that when you're 12 you're kind of going oh great well oh certainly when she's 13 she's gonna be like this is great my dad actually asked me do stuff yeah i just don't don't tell mom about it like that's what she's worried about that's what's not fair about this because i feel like that's what's happened that's why she's like and this week i found out that he let because the narrative of don't tell your mom

is coming from the other side she's not saying your dad's a gobshite the kids are being told just don't tell your mom that we did that yeah like this is a side of marriage counseling yeah so we can't really advise her on how to cope with her husband but what we can say is that it's absolutely fine for you to sit your kids down and tell them how much you love them and how hard it is sometimes to when you're not here because i'm worried because i love you guys and i have to trust that you're doing the right thing yeah because the worst case scenario is that they just go look just don't tell her yeah what's happened and also i do think it's great that they have been open with her and to keep that line of conversation going and but like it is okay for that mummy to sit down

with her kids and say i love you guys so much i know your daddy loves you too we aren't together anymore and we both have very different styles of parenting i get that he wants you guys to be more independent and he's giving you more rope but i'm very worried the whole time that he's doing that so can i just ask you guys that if you're feeling worried and anxious that you just vocalize those worries so your dad can take it on board and maybe if you don't want to do something let him know but if you do just please be really careful you know that's a tough one literally all she can do the poor thing unless there's like there's probably loads of listeners who can actually help us on this. Yeah, who have gone through a divorce.

Yeah, it's an interesting one. And look, this is the other thing. She's come to us for advice. Well, I feel like she wanted to know from a parent point of view, am I being too much? I don't think she's being too much. I don't think so either at all. I think it's unfair, but I think there's not much she can do about it

other than talk to her kids in a very nice, cool, collective way. So you disagree with my suggestion that you, I'm not saying send the autistic boy to the park on his own on your time, but I'm saying that there's going to be, my side of this was, if this is the new reality that your partner is going to be extending liberties to your kids that you don't feel they're ready for you might need to start moving your timeline a little bit while doing what you were saying no i don't think i think this mom knows her kids and i think that uh what she said at the beginning was she was already allowing them to go downtown where they live because they've grown up there her worry is they

don't know this new place i think one of the controllables she could do here is that she could actually maybe bring the kids down sometimes and be with them when they go to these places until they're a little bit more comfortable with them. But I think she is allowing her children freedoms. Her concern is they don't know where they're going. They don't know anyone in this new place. Those are pretty rational concerns. Yeah, well, I love to hear how she gets on. We do get emails back from people all the time about the advice

and the place to hear those is over on patreon.com forward slash Irishmanabroad. My 14 year old has had a big surgery coming or has a big surgery coming up in a few weeks i feel like i'm in complete unknown territory of how best to support him through it and unsure of where to even

ask so here i am we are a tight unit with no family in town i plan on staying with him at the hospital 24 7 until he is released what would you recommend i have on him at the hospital 24-7 until he is released. What would you recommend I have on hand at the hospital for him for comfort and security? It's pretty invasive surgery. Also, so is there anything I can do to help support him having people all over his body, including during the healing process? What? over his body including during the healing process what having it's pretty invasive also so is there anything i can do to help him having people all over his body including during the healing i guess she means you know loads of different people coming at him when he's a 14

year old boy he's probably what is this surgery the poor kid no jesus i know you think you got problems with your kids people are prepping for surgery imagine the worry of it oh my god it's so hard to to even look at them when they've bumped their head or something you just feel so awful for them crazy heart goes out of this email or best of luck if you're in the same situation but what do you say that tina um well i think you just be ready to answer whatever he questions he throws at you as honestly as you can always with honesty because they're going to be more fearful if they think you're cloaking hiding hiding truths cloaking it um i wouldn't encourage him to read up about it the operation or anything but i just you know anything he asks you just try and come to it with honesty but also get in loads of distractors and download loads of music he likes to listen to

buy him the video games he's never been and i'd have stock up on loads of distractors through the hospital so it's nice it feels like it's a nice thing that's about to happen you know um buy him nice cozy new pajamas and loads of new toiletries and stuff that he gets to put in his hospital bag make it special that way and that he's got nice new things cozy jumpers and stuff to put on uh books he'd love to read. Is there a chance that she's doing more worrying than he is? I'd imagine she is. And in that way, you know, preparing the hospital bag and this stuff could keep her busy in her mind

away from this worry too. I mean, I don't know what I'd be like. I'd be a mess if I thought my little boy was going into the hospital to get something done. But I'd encourage her too. Don't read around it. I think the more you read, the more you'll just come up with the worst case scenarios in your head.

Whereas you're going to just have to face this. So you just have to get yourself to that place where this is happening. We hope it goes well. We just have to face this together. It is interesting. Like she said, there's nowhere to go to ask about this. Like here she is asking us again. there should be support at hospitals over this like when i started to bring up my kidney donation again but when i donated the kidney to my brother there was loads of support loads of

support like almost to the point where you're like guys why are you so worried about this yeah and then snap gone there was nothing after and i really do think that was my feedback to them afterwards was like there needed to be follow-up support but i guess that that's massively expensive and these people are needed for the new people that are coming in but you're definitely cut adrift at the end so to my advice this mom would be afterwards is the time that's really good advice before he's probably like excited to get the thing done and be like energy is too nervous about it yeah and like also lads tend to be like in let's get this done like it's like motor maintenance but afterwards there's there's a come down then because you're not the center of

attention and he might feel a little bit like uh i don't know not used but certainly like what now well i think that's excellent advice and that's not something i thought about that if she put in i mean it takes so long to get your child an appointment for these services that actually that is the thing she needs to do first set up a counseling for afterwards because you bring up the kidney thing and i was so shocked at how quickly once you donated they did not want to hear from you again and you say you don't like using the word used but i never felt like you were so used in your life in terms of that it was like it was like you were just dropped that's it now go home we don't want to hear about it you've done your thing and really you were very happy to have done your thing but

there was a natural come down that you needed help processing and that's that's so wise jar because this guy's going to need help with that too. Well, sometimes when a doctor is all over you and all careful about what it is they're doing with you, and then once it's done, you probably get more follow-up care in a medical scenario that they're in, in that they do want him to be well. But in my scenario, it was like, let's just cut out this thing that you don't need and you head on with your life yeah because you don't need two kidneys no you don't like you have to in case one goes wrong but i'm living proof that you can have a better life one if anything i feel that second kidney was holding me back yeah i'm a much better person

without it so in this case she might be pushing an open door in terms of asking them about follow-up care and asking them did they have a counselor for yeah kids or people who after surgery need a little more care but this is why it's so good to reach out and ask people questions because that's not something i would have thought about because you were drawing on experience of when the last time you had it's true it is true that it is like you actually need to speak to other parents maybe get on a forum get on the boards get on reddit and see are other parents finding these worries that you have come to fruition or are they going you'll be amazed it's just going to be so happy it's done and the worry that it's not going to be good afterwards is natural but

i would hope that yeah this little dude is going to move on and have a fantastic life after this and willing that into existence i think though that it would be good if the mom today did send an email to the doctor or surgeon to deal with and just say what is the plan for follow-up care i need to put those that into action and a bit like you and the mom at the start of the show that door should be open that door should be pushed tina couldn't get in touch with the school because she worked there but in another school they would hate to think that that was happening you were suffering in silence the hospital will hate to think that you felt like you'd nobody to turn to. So do it. Definitely.

I want to give a very quick shout out to the Honey You're Ruining Our Kid Instagram page that is currently blowing up thanks to Tina's reels on there. If you want to get bite-sized chunks of the advice that she has on things like tantrums, on picky eaters, there's so many more on the way tina's been recording these i've been editing them she's pushing herself out there because however much i had to twist her arm to do this podcast and a lot of people don't even recognize that this was part of the story of this show that as great as the advice tina has to give she did not want to do the podcast because she is not a public person and here we are absolutely smashing at 50 episodes in thousands and thousands of people that you've helped tina congrats to you this week because that step

towards doing a piece to camera is big and it's not crack because you're looking at yourself and you're the most critical person but uh i've been editing these things down and i will tell you lads someday i'm going to release the bloopers i mean he has that on me now the bloopers are like the best is and what you need to do as a parent is trust in yourself she'll miss a word and then you know punch yourself in the face have a tantrum ah it's very funny stuff to watch it'll be uh that'll be coming out in all good record stores on dvd this christmas uh our next question though like this is quite a theme this week about you know independence trusting your kids a real teenager episode we have a lot of parents struggling with teenagers getting in touch

and we can relate yeah we can relate here we go teen and jar i have been listening to your podcast every single week for the last year and you've helped me with so many parts of parenting including picking picky eating ignoring bad behavior anxiety, and so much more. Thank you so much for the humor as well along the way. It's perfect. The problem, though, today is we are having with our five-year-old boy has been going on for over a year now. And despite multiple approaches, it's not improving. In fact, it might be getting worse.

multiple approaches, it's not improving. In fact, it might be getting worse. He won't go into a different room in our house whenever we're without us. Oh, wow. It's a separation anxiety. Yeah. Going to the toilet to get something from his room, play in the next room, he just won't do it alone.

It's not an issue at Crash, of course he's just started junior infants so i'm presuming it is to get our attention right that's her guess right yeah all right there's more to this email however i have tried accompanying him to the room he wants to go to the toilet mainly as he has wet himself while delaying waiting for me and saying some saying nothing no eye contact making it as boring as possible yeah that's one of our tricks it's always hard to hear my advice because it's tough advice you gotta make this more boring yeah i have tried going with him and acting normal, chatting, not making a big deal of it. And then also talking about it to him loads to try to sort out what it is. Literally sitting him down and going through it.

This mom says no approach is working. He says he's scared of monsters in our house. Aren't we all? Oh, but this is terrible. But he says, I know that's silly because they are not real oh god bless him so he has no idea they are real oh so i've tried focusing on saying monsters aren't real every time i hear them mentioned brilliant that's exactly right telling him our house is so safe me and his dad have always got him we have a video monitor

in his bedroom he's very happy in his bed but won't get out come into us or downstairs in the morning on his own there's some parents going jesus i wish i had that problem well you know we had that too didn't we our kid didn't seem to know he could leave his room. And instead, he just roars when he's awake in the morning and needs us during the night. If he has a friend or anyone else here, he's totally fine heading off without us and with them. And sometimes if he's bursting to go to the toilet and I'm cooking dinner or just not free for a minute, his three-year-old brother will say, come on, keep you safe and bring him isn't that adorable right he also panics if we are out at a party and i move a few meters so when he comes back i'm in a slightly different place he thinks i've gone as he doesn't see me straight away. He's hysterical. I keep telling him, mum always comes back.

That's your line, Tina. That is good advice. Mummy always comes back. Never panic. If you can't see me straight away, I'll always know. I always know I'd never leave you without saying goodbye. But it's just not working. And I say this not in the moment he's panicking,

but just randomly and lots. So she's reassuring. She's doing the thing i say any advice or your wonderful words of wisdom would be so appreciated sorry for the long email i've tried to shorten it down but i think that's everything here that's relevant yeah well it's super helpful too i mean i don't mind if how long the emails are because the more information i get the more i'm able to get a picture but like these are the hardest emails because what she's saying is i have tried everything you said she's literally using

your language yeah and then i'm just like can i ask this question is this too much of a question to ask when a kid is like this just in the broader picture before we sort get into this one specifically a lot of people go oh something must have happened here yeah well i know that that's not helping this person but why does a kid do this like what's underneath it well like you say most of the time something did happen and it could be just mom went to the toilet and didn't tell him one day in the house it It can be a tiny incident like that. It's so tiny that you can never really pinpoint. How did this happen?

And in that moment, he got a fright. Okay. And he's not over it yet. He's not over it yet. And because he's so young, he's not conscious of what happened. It's this unconscious feeling of unsafety that he had and he doesn't want to feel that way again so he's the whole time trying to protect himself from having this really bad fright again and worrying about his mom or his dad or his brother could have been anyone but something

happened something tiny and it's so hard when you're a parent because you're like i'm trying my best yeah and you keep going jeez i wish that didn't happen yeah but it's even you can't even pinpoint what happened because it was so small and he can't even tell you no he can't he absolutely can't so trying to figure that out with him is just not going to happen because he does not know why he's feeling this way he just knows he's having these feelings and um i love the language she's using i love the techniques she's applying i love the little three-year-old who's so clever and picked up on it all i mean the lit like they're obviously trying so hard that the little guy is like i got this mom i know how we do this which is so cute but um what can she do because he has anxiety definitely there's a separation anxiety here

she needs to do loads of work on feelings loads like she needs to get the color monster book that i'm always banging on about and she needs to just show him like the different talk to him about the different feelings we all have and how feelings are okay and it's not just you feeling this way we're all everybody has feelings he's five years old that means he's in school she needs to approach his teacher and ask his teacher to do lots of feelings and sharing circles where he gets to hear other kids have anxieties and fears too. And other kids feel happy about stuff and other kids feel sad about stuff. We need to normalize these feelings he's having because he's probably thinking,

I'm the only one who feels this way, you know. But working on feelings and talking about feelings and getting your child to open up about feelings is so important, so important. And even just in those moments when he's waiting for her, if she said to him, I'm busy right now, you're going to have to wait. How does that make you feel? What is the feeling you have inside of you? And if he says, well, that makes me feel sad, then she needs to tease that out and say and when you feel sad where are you feeling the sadness why are you feeling the sadness just getting him to talk more about the feelings he's having in those moments so he's processing them and they're not coming

to him straight away the next time he has to wait what's the um what's the risk here? Like, could this mom, like, you know the way our parents are, our parents of the previous generation are like, ah, you need to relax. You need to tell him, ah, just tell him to go in the other room. You know, that kind of view, I sometimes think, oh God, it's so simplistic, but there is something to it. I don't know when he's so young. I mean, this could go on for a very

long time because it's an established pattern now and that's what you're that's the risk like that's what i was trying to ask there yeah no he's been doing this for a year i mean that's a pretty much part of his routine now that's how he works but it's not unsolvable of course there's hope yeah it's not a fixed behavior it's just he did i just say it was a fixed behavior though i'm sorry if i use that word it's not a fixed behavior but it is a pattern he has established but you know when she says like she's making the dinner and he's he's waiting for her in those moments like i would suggest that she acknowledges that he's waiting for her she gives him a big hug she tells him mommy's doing

this now next i can help you but if you need to go before that you should go but if you have time to wait you can wait in a way that's her taking back control of the waiting and you know him his demand because he's demanding her attention but she's the one controlling when he gets it you know right she's also offered him the choice of you can wait or you can know mommy loves you and it's absolutely fine for you to go on your own and do that thing with uh there was another thing i was thinking when she was talking there the toilet thing is a real one where it's like he can't even go to the loo on his own but he is doing it at school so he can yeah he is able to and what maybe this is this is again me just using your advice and saying it back to you that when she gets the school involved yeah she could talk to them about

well what does he most like doing in there when he's most independent what's he at it's just such a funny thing to ask a teacher who has five-year-olds in her class because she's never going to be able to answer it honestly what does your child like doing sorry they'll know exactly which tasks in the toilet no i mean in the classroom when he's getting on with things yeah i was just transported back to the classroom and the crazy stuff your kids get up to when they go to the toilet oh my god every day they flood the toilet

when he's at his most independent what's he doing whatever that is send him in the other room with that task and say that your teacher wants you to do this for me. Well, at the core of this, there is a confidence thing.

He doesn't like being on his own. He's not confident in himself yet, just in this moment. So this mom has done nothing wrong. But, you know, she has said that she's using faux capture in the day of, you know, well done you going there and doing that on your own and stuff. faux capture in the day of you know well done you going there and doing that on your own and stuff but what actually she needs to step that up to is um saying things like hey i saw you being a really great brother today i love seeing you being such a big boy big brother you make me so proud you need to start saying things like oh look at you you're so grown up you look taller this morning you're

getting so big this is like like a Jedi mind trick, it has to be said. It does work. It does work. We don't take enough time. Like your teachers at school are doing that. That is the language they're using

because we're trained that way. But as parents, it is really important to big up your kids, big them up, catch them off guard and go down to their level, look them eye to eye and say i noticed that

you were a bigger boy today you're trying really hard i'm proud of you those little things make them walk off a little you know spring in their spring in their step yeah and uh but like i hope that helps this mom like really all the advice i can give her because it sounds like she's so completely on it is involved the school in terms of asking them for advice on ways to get him more talkative about his feelings asking them to do circles at school about feelings so that he sees he's not the only one who's afraid of things but really working on the feelings at home there's so many resources out there I mean the colour monster is a brilliant book it comes with an activity that you can do that is a really great activity also in those moments when he's demanding your time giving them the hook telling him you love

him asking him how does waiting make you feel you know getting him to really think about it in his mind like five-year-olds are really clever like there's going to be a moment where he goes yeah why am i feeling this way yeah you'm around you know yeah that's where you need to get so many of these kids in this behavior to go what the hell am i doing no and it's true because they'll be just like hang on what am i doing and then that shift happens and there's no going back and it is just believing that these kids are super clever you know they will have these you know we all have moments in our day where we're like, oh, yeah, they will have those too. What do you do about the kid that isn't super clever? That's a 13 year old.

That's for the Patreon section of this show where they're just it just seems to be irrational. Right. We've got an awful lot of great stuff over there on Patreon in the extended episode. If you want to support our show, we don't ask you to do much. This is all free. Come over to Patreon if you'd like to support our show, we don't ask you to do much. This is all free. Come over to Patreon if you'd like to support what we do. And in return, you'll get access to hundreds and hundreds of episodes, great hours of listening on all manner of subjects.

And there's a whole collection of Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid episodes on everything. If you've missed an episode anywhere anywhere even from the original pilot season you can go back and hear it there on patreon.com forward slash irishmanabroad tina thanks so much for this episode i love your early early start we did it