Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - My Kid Fancies My New Partner, Toxic Friends & Parental Alienation - S2EP26

Episode Date: April 8, 2024

Is your husband trying to turn the kids against you? Is your kid in a toxic friendship and needs your help to get out of it? Does your kid have an unhealthy obsession with your new partner? Yes? No? What the hell? Either way today's HYROK episode is a scandalously good listen with Tina on form answering some of the toughest questions we have ever received.Question 1- A single mum gets in touch wondering how she can best protect her children while coping with her ex husband’s negative behaviour towards her. Parental alienation is thankfully a recognised crime now. Are there enough supports out there when it happens at a very early age and hard to pin point what’s actually happening. Who can you ask for help? How do you survive and maintain your mental health. Moms tend to only care about the welfare of their children but sometimes putting yourself first really matters too. Question 2Friendship issues are a daily worry for most kids. A lot of the time it is agonising to observe as a parent. What is the best approach? Shut down the friendship? Go to the parent? Or get the school involved? An incredibly hard one to navigate but arming our children to stand up for themselves and to be happy in their own company is equally important. Question 3What do you do if your child think he’s in love with your new partner? For this listener the crush might have developed into an infatuation and their child's entire behaviour is changing. How do you get them back on track? How do you curb their new obsession while teaching them boundaries and respect? This week a stressed out dad gets in touch with this exact problem.Easter break is in the books. Maybe you got a rest. Maybe your kids ran you ragged and their return to school is your first chance to breathe out. According to the recently published Aldi Mammies and Daddies Report into the lives of Irish parents the later is probably the case if your're the Mammy. Jarlath was invited onto Jen Hogan's "Mamia And Me" podcast panel to discuss the findings to see if they match up to what we are seeing here on Honey! You're Ruining Our Kid. Along with our 3 brilliant questions from the listeners, this week we dive into those findings and the disproportionate impact parenting has on women rather than men. How important is it for us to change the old school views that form the seed of these problems. Shout out to the amazing little toddler who brought the entertainment on the day of the live recording. She won the room.  You can listen to the episode very soon here.There's a big extra chunk over on www.patreon.com/irishmanabroad - why not come over and join us in a few clicks. It's how we support the show and it's the place where you can here "what happened next" when the listeners apply Tina's advice.

it's the chocolate field honey you're ruining our kid back on the airwaves back after the midterm easter holidays are done and we are straight back into it having consumed more chocolate than i've ever consumed over an easter holiday break it is great to be back tina thank you for being here yeah no it is great to be back and i did just jarlett's not joking he just ate a chocolate chocolate egg with his tea marathon training me whole that's what i said as i said right now i sent sonia a picture of my favorite coffee shop she said to me is it the coffee you like with the desserts and i was like okay that was unnecessary uh i think we both know what the answer is And I was like, okay, that was unnecessary.

I think we both know what the answer is. I bloody love desserts, but the reason why you train for a marathon and the reason why most parents do an insane amount of exercise is so that they can eat whatever the fuck they like. But you can't outrun a bad diet, apparently. You've just gone open a total. so that they can eat whatever the fuck they like. But you can't run, outrun a bad diet, apparently. This... Charlotte, you've just gone open a total...

This Easter holidays, like, every time we record after the break, we've seen mad stuff. Mad stuff. We've been away. We've been through mad stuff.

Mad stuff. Your diet goes out the window. All the real... You're trying to spin the plate of keeping work going while entertaining these little feckers diet though too because all of a sudden you're like no eat the eggs eat the eggs be polite eat the egg and they watch the egg well you're just suddenly presented with the changes that have happened to your kid in the time between christmas and now and it's they're changing so fast particularly uh the

little ones right because they're gaining all their independence and they're like i'm back i'm in school i'm big i'm four and you're not really ready for that level of don't tell me what to do uh i'll just reassure you guys our kid is 13 now just to let you know it gets way worse everyone relax it's gonna get way worse but i actually think there is something reassuring in that right here's why you are in the trenches with these toddlers and that's what honey ruining our kid is here for your emails sharing what you're going through the sense that we're not in it alone is something that gets forgotten in that is when you think it's at its worst you have to

remember that at some point you may look back and go that wasn't that bad it's true you think it's at its worst, you have to remember that at some point you may look back and go, that wasn't that bad. It's true. You think that's never going to happen, but it does. That happens all the time. There's going to be a worse period than this. Whatever problem you appear to be in seems to be the worst ever. But there is some challenging stuff down the road. And even then, it's all good crack.

Like, I'm just trying to rinse some crack out of it, even though you're pulling your hair out. Yeah, well, like, I burst into tears the other day when reading one of the emails we got, because it was a mom I hear from a lot. Yeah. And this time it was an update email that I'm going to read out in Patreon section.

But, like, I vomited tears reading it. It made me so happy. She said she felt like she won the lotto. Yeah, but like, you know, sometimes this podcast is so stressful. No offense to anyone listening. Yeah, there's a lot of pressure on you. Well, I just, you know.

There's no pressure on me. But you get the letters and you get these crazy problems coming in. Well, I just want to, I don't ever think they're crazy. They're completely normal. Anything you guys send in, it's no problem.

I've seen it before. But without seeing the child in the flesh, I'm always worrying, am I getting this right? Am I getting this right? And it was just an amazing, I'm getting, I got like, we're getting a lot more of those emails in than problem emails at the moment. So we're getting a lot of kind of full circle emails. I mean, the podcast is only going on two years now. So we are getting people who've been listening the whole time.

And getting back now. With nice feedback. But. I finally caught up. And on my emails yesterday. So. Go ahead. She took her two weeks.

Tina. Tina spent the break. Catching up. We also spent the break. Meeting up. With. Another. Brilliant.

Parenting podcast. That you should. Be listening to. If you're not already. We don't mind promoting other podcasts on this show because you need all the help you can get yeah infinite time infinite a rising tide lifts all boats and jen hogan is a lovely person so jen hogan's parenting podcast invited us on to a live episode that you can now download is it out yet they only invited me which i felt

was a strange choice like i get it they wanted a male perspective uh on this mummies and daddies report that aldi had commissioned around what parents are feeling, what they're going through, and the findings of it related heavily. Something the government should be doing. Definitely. Well, the findings related heavily to what men were doing in this. So if it was about child behavior, I'd imagine that it would have been you in there.

But look, I really felt your voice was missed. I felt you should have been. Oh, no, I'm joking. I didn't mind at all not being asked because, I mean, I would have found that terrifying. It was filmed. It was from an audience. I forgot that. That you were delighted it was me and not you.

The best thing. Can we just say before we talk about the report, the most amazing thing that happened that day is some people had obviously read their invitation apart from eating tony the carrot oh yeah what a what a gent what a gent he was a gent but some people skimmed their emails for sure and brought along their kids it was not or they didn't have child care yeah that was another thing that was discussed around support if you'd read the email you wouldn't know email you're going to a podcast recording and it's about something quite serious but anyway it was still the highlight of my day because a little gangster tiny little lizard walks in tiny kid in a ski suit in a ski suit that rustled as she walked oh my god and she had soothe her in mouth oh my god and i loved it and

i was like everyone was so polite and it was made extra awkward because we're obviously talking about how impossible it is for moms to manage their kids and there's this little girl disrupting the whole thing what she was doing anyway to describe what she was doing was we're all sitting on four high stools uh jenna hogan is hosting everything beautifully there's mics everywhere and loads of technicians wires all sorts of really expensive kit old building a really old ucd building on steven's green wooden floors this kid in the ski suit cutest kid ever is stomping up to us and kind of putting her hands on her hips going what do you think of that

yeah and then turning back around stomping back down and everybody is going mmm wonderful and you can see the Aldi people going

can somebody do something about this kid nobody wanted to do it because it was so I mean I was so tempted to go I mean whose kid is this

it's the story I wanted you guys to invite, I mean, whose kid is this? It's the story. I wanted you guys to invite her to be part of the chat. I was like, she has a lot to say. I just knew that they were going to have a nightmare editing around this. And her mom was standing at the back going, isn't she adorable? She really was. It was fantastic. But her mother had also brought like a story box that projects and says the story out loud.

I was like, she did not read the email. Or maybe that was just a thing that they were doing before that. No, no. And it just managed to get brought. Okay, cool. You're being nice. But then the mom did just put her outside the door. Yeah.

In a really old building with all these staircases. It was so funny. The other PR people that were involved were tasked with the responsibility of taking care of that little legend and what we had though yeah we'll discuss as the episode goes on the findings of the mommy's and daddy's report they were pretty bleak but also if you say bleak right this is point again. Hearing that you're not the only one isn't bleak. No, but it was bleak in that not much has changed in Ireland in terms of the roles in the home.

Yeah, and I, you know, I quizzed the woman that did the report on how truthful people were being and what was she seeing. And she explained to me how it was conducted and how rigorously honest they get people to be. And yeah, we'll go through some of the findings as the episode goes on. She actually said that honesty was a problem. Like that they were being so honest. Because they gave us face at the end and said, is there anything else you want to say to Aldi?

And that's when people went nuts. I'll tell you what I want to say to Aldi. That middle aisle is too tempting i don't think that podcast from mommy and me has come out yet but it's on the way i think that's going to be an incredibly important episode for parents to listen to well let's get to our own episode that we've got three incredible questions for you this week and of course a hefty chunk for our members over on patreon if you've already joined up thank you so much if you haven't this is the week a good afternoon tina and gerl that's how

i'm gonna read out all the emails now how you doing turn as i hate accents i hate them like so do you like do you hate acting? No, I just don't. So when Cillian Murphy was playing Oppenheimer, you were like, oh, why is he doing that voice? No, I hate people who do it as a living. I don't hate them, but I don't enjoy it. I think you have a sensory issue with sound.

I definitely do. I've been telling you that. I didn't hear that. I've been saying to you, I really, you guys are too loud. It's a bit rough to deny your comedian husband the opportunity to work on funny voices. Look, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. She says looking at her watch. Jarentine, I love the show. I listen nearly every week over a year now delighted to learn how to be a better parent so thank you both

well thank Tina thank you for listening for taking the time to do this for us recently signed up to Patreon legend the banter between

the two of you is great and it's a joy to hear the level of respect you have for each other I don't know about that I don't feel that's a two-way street but anyway i'm blessed with two wonderful boys age five and three so you can imagine the crack being a full-time referee between the pair of them i'm a single mom about two and a half years now and i'm going through

an extremely difficult separation slash divorce it's been tough to say the least but I think things seem to be starting to settle a bit recently the boys are healthy so that's the main thing but I worry about their emotional development as they come back from being with their father nearly every time with derogatory comments about me that inverted commas daddy says i can only hope they won't be scarred too much from this behavior my five-year-old goes to play therapy so hopefully this will help i intend sending both boys regularly so therapy can be a normal part of their lives for as many years as possible. Do you know of anything else that might help, please? I have to say the name of your show is really appreciated for my situation. Separately, here's something to possibly bring to the table, sometimes for parents. every night to ask your child three questions.

Did you learn anything today? Did anything make you sad today? What made you happy today? This is a brilliant. Yeah, that's beautiful. It may help a kid know they have a daily opportunity to bring a worry to their parent class. to bring a worry to their parent class. Best wishes and thank you for giving your listeners and fans the opportunity to be the best versions of themselves for their children.

Anonymous. That's such a nice email. What an email. I know, right? Let's start with the three questions, right? Well, I love that. You've been doing that a good while. Yeah, well, we...

Not in that format, though. It's very hard to make that a consistent thing because sometimes bedtime is fraught. while yeah well we not in that format it's very hard to make that a consistent thing because sometimes bedtime is fraught but it's really it is if you can build that into your routine it doesn't have to be a bedtime either it can be something that happens in the car but um definitely the reflection journal that guided reflection journal we've had those are the kind of leading questions that are in them but if you can have if you have the relationship with your kid where you can do that together that's wonderful and she's dead right it gives that

child an opportunity to know they have space or if there's something on their mind you just have to be ready to also teach them that they can't bring up a hundred yeah well this is what i was about to say pull on the heartstrings too much because how do you manage that side of it right because kids as you've always said are looking for any sort of attention well it's it's really just your language sorry did i cut you off there i didn't mean to it would just be saying you know the the phrase thank you for telling me that that's all we have time for now we'll talk about it more tomorrow that's very direct and easy for kids to understand and thanking them for telling you is perfect because they feel great she just said thanks

i tend to go too as you know too deep into my sympathizing for Oh my God, you're the worst. What did that kid say to you? Darling, you're the worst. Oh, I'm going to sort this out. Like just the other day he was telling you something that I knew was bullshit

and you were like completely on his side and I was like, darling, darling, darling. Well, and then you're like, why don't you believe him? And I'm like, because he's talking baloney right now. We're actually not talking about our kid. We're talking about some other.

This is an imagined scenario. And we didn't do any of that in front of him. It was all with our eyes. But like, here's the thing. I know that you mentioned bedtime can be fraught. And what this mom is doing is bringing us something that can really help people tone it down it's true because it's like well we're gonna do our three questions or are we gonna you know have an argument over whether you've brushed your teeth

or not because they're gonna love the three questions more than anything because it's think about it's eye-to-eye contact yeah down at their level ends with a hug speaking from the soul it's like it's a kid like every kid will love that even even the older ones yes teenagers absolutely they think they feel heard there's a respect for their voice they're gonna love it i love that you put that in email because sometimes it's it's things like these this ah my brace it's techniques like these that i forget to say because you assume everyone knows about them but they don't everyone doesn't know about them what about the kids coming back from time with the dad i know that's gone oh this is typically you dad says you always do this i know well you know what it's very poor practice by the father okay

no matter what they have gone through as a couple that is poor practice but it's a very tough position for her to be in because she can't really say it to dad well she could if she wanted to but i wouldn't encourage that she like it's very hard to your father's you say to him well this is typical of your father yeah that's not gonna i mean she just sounds like she's so in tune with children's needs the idea that she already has them in play therapy well explain what play therapy is to me and i'm sure i'm not the only person she has gone what the hell is this if you have the opportunity to get play therapy for your kids some people think it's just for kids who are troubled or you know and yeah it will be one of the things they suggest but play therapy is actually such an incredible resource if you have

a child who isn't great at expressing their emotions or maybe a child who is struggling with their confidence or a child who's not talking yet. Play therapy and play therapists are trained so well to give the child a space and the security. And it is just playing. They are playing with the child. And I've always said to you, if there's something wrong or if a child, something wrong with a kid in my class, if there's something wrong or if there's something wrong with the kid in my class get down on the carpet and play a game with them

because it'll come out they will talk to you yeah a jigsaw if you just want to talk but if you actually want to know something that's going on in their mind get out the Duplo people

and the Lego people or a doll's house or get little figures involved because what you want is conversation to happen between the toys like a bread poultice well you know it draws it out look play is an unbelievable powerful tool if you're worried about something being on your kid's mind if you're worried that something has happened to your kid get down on the ground and play with them and once they're comfortable

start peppering them with questions. And it's just amazing what will come out. Right. So before we get to what your suggestion is for something else, because she's looking for something else, you mentioned my tendency to believe every word that comes out of my son's mouth. Now, that is definitely a problem. And there's usually... For every every parent every parent yeah but usually one more than the other yes one is more gullible kids will arm themselves with that pretty you'll be amazed how quickly kids will know this is something that works

but i'm not suggesting for a second that these things aren't being said but you're right she does need to take it tiny bit that they might not the kid can be what is the word putting manipulative no i'm not going to say that but you know unbeknownst to them yes but unconsciously yes so they're putting a little bit of extra sauce a bit of top on it definitely to get a better response but they're not make like i don't think a child would be able to make that that shit up so there's definitely stuff is being said can she say to the dad i don't think so i mean that's just not going to go well for her i mean if she was able to get an outside voice in i definitely think if her kids are in nursery in school

she needs to go to the school sit down meeting and explain to them exactly what's been going on at home uh it's really important your teacher knows i know sometimes people are like that's my private life i don't want them knowing but actually they're in charge of your kid all day they need to know what they're dealing with and if you just go into them you're not going in to give out about their father what you're going in to say is unfortunately at the moment my husband seems to offload on the children and all i'm asking for you guys to do is if you hear them saying any of these things could you just note it down um you know i'm trying to get on top of myself and what you what will you hope that might happen is if the teachers do hear it and write it down enough they will be the ones who go to the dad and say look your child is saying these things in class

it's not appropriate you need to model better behavior for him. Now what the mom can do in these moments when the kids say it to her is first of all do not react or stoop to the level like you suggested you have to stay calm and you can't all you can do is hear them say it and then don't react to it first of all the reaction will make your kid use it and say it more then they need to just say things like well I'm sorry your father said that. I love you so much and thank you for feeling that you could tell me and just give them a hook. I'd love to know what the things are. Oh, specifics.

I mean, if he's talking to a five and a two year old like that, like that's just so inappropriate. appropriate so a friend of mine uh wrote an incredible book about parental alienation that if you're a single parent or you're worried that that might be the beginnings of it planting the seed of parental alienation where one parent tries to turn the other on the kids um this is really worth a read i'm going to put the link in the info um the working title when i read it as a draft it was called boys to men but i think it's called don't hug your mother don't hug your mother which is one of the the things they were told yeah not to do can you imagine yeah um so your other alternative if play therapy is an option because as you say not everybody can afford it no can you train up in it maybe is that the way you can and

i'm not like what i'm about to say next is nothing against play therapists i mean their jobs are so important and obviously they are needed to be trained in extreme circumstances but some for something like this there's no reason the mom can't take on that role with her kids if she can find the time and the patience because playing with kids is hard to get down and play farm you will get it out of your kids the same way play therapists will they will or even if you just get them playing together absorbed in a game and just listen to what they're saying, you will find out a lot from that. You just will.

Right. The mommies and daddies report that we mentioned at the start of the show revealed all sorts of stuff around this very subject, around feeling like you have no time because there would be those listening going, how the hell would I find time to do an hour of play therapy with my kid? And isn't that so sad that there's no time for play, but there isn't.

There was also no time in the report. People found that they had even less time for hobbies. Yes. And time together as a couple was like an hour a week. The idea of me time for the mom was just not a thing at all whereas the dads yeah were not having to make that same compromise or certainly weren't it was this is probably showing up in the report this is not our opinion this was showing up in the report but also like i told you before play has become such a strange thing that children are

coming to nurseries now in earlier settings and they don't know how to play anymore i find i get so i get so worried why people aren't angry about that kids don't know how to play anymore they come to nursery and instead of working on their science and numbers the first few weeks are spent teaching them how to interact with actual toys and dollhouses and tractors i mean mean, that's not right. That's wrong. And it's going up the way. Yeah, because it's how you express yourself.

You want your child to express themselves, but if they're not playing, how do they learn? Like, I don't know. Anyway, look, this mom's amazing. Everything she's already doing, incredible. Your kids are so lucky. Really, where you need to work is not on your kids. It's actually you not reacting to the things that are being said. So you're actually the one who maybe invest in yourself.

Yeah. Maybe let yourself have some therapy. Yeah. Yeah. You know, because he's trying to come at you with the kids. You've got them sorted. You are thinking of them and meeting their needs. How's about you think of yourself for a bit, I think?

One of the findings of the Mommies and Daddies report commissioned by Aldi that we talked about with Jen Hogan on her podcast was the roles, the sense of responsibility of the father and the mother and how certain things were not his area. Yeah. And I raised on the show that I think the pandemic set the gender equality roles back in this way.

Yes. Because both parents are working from home all of a sudden and dad's work couldn't be interrupted, but mom's could. Well, this is what we saw. We definitely saw this in a lot of the homes. The moms were losing their mind because they were trying to do their job and mind the kids, whereas no one was allowed to interrupt dad's work in his room.

He wasn't to be interrupted. And it was startling because it was like, like, honestly, I think it's had such a bad effect yeah and what the dads came out kind of harping back to my job's really important you deal with the kids yeah yeah why would i be dealing with that um it it was really startling to see the findings where uh this was a concern and this was a problem which i don't think was as bad pre-pandemic yeah what do you do what do you suggest to somebody who's listening to this now going i am living that nightmare there are certain things that he just does not see as his area as his problem as something that he he has to concern himself i know but look at all the relationships

that didn't survive the pandemic because it caused so many arguments so many things that were previously ignored like the way people did think about these roles were brought to the surface and relationships did not survive it i mean i just think if you're a father and you don't think it's 50% your responsibility, that's bananas. And I think it comes down to what? Well, I just know that I'm not doing as much as I should. Look, I do. I'm not going to get into a whole jar. You're actually great.

You are actually great. Yeah, I know. You do pull your weight. I won't have it and I don't want to sit here. Are you sure you don't want to get into how great I am? I do not want to sit here. I think we genuinely annoy people when I'm like, how brilliant you are as a husband. On the day of this podcast recording, actually, when you came off stage, I was like,

Ger, you kind of talked yourself down a bit. But I feel like that's because you didn't feel comfortable actually saying how much of an equal house we are you know the only time i tend to pull right because then the lads would slag me yeah the boys be like wedgie and me after i tend to pull rank if we're in video shops because you revert to being a 10 year old video shop yeah what's a video shot i don't know game shot are you talking about extra vision? Yeah, I don't know. Game shops.

Game shops. Okay, right. Yeah, I... That's the only time I've been to you. What do I do wrong in there? You... I become a child.

Yeah. Yes. I left... We went to St. Albans last week where Mikey grew up. It was amazing. Got to see all our old friends. His old friends.

It was so good for the soul. And I left... Tina went into anthropology. I left them alone for two minutes which is a second hand uh toy emporium you have it here you have a kex and you know what i did i thought i'm gonna say to jarlett don't buy anything and then i went no that's really condescending you don't need to worry he's not gonna just buy something in there tina just relax you do not need

to say that to jarlett go and enjoy i'm apology i come back and meet them in a coffee shop he has bought himself a nintendo game boy that he does not need the men listening to this now are going is the old is it the vintage one maybe the girls are too because honestly it was a is it an antique game boy but like original the one that you wanted in 1987 I was so disappointed I was and he has Mikey

so on his side Mikey was like mom you don't understand these are so rare this is going to be worth a fortune and I was like no it's not

it's not rare it's not worth a fortune your dad just blew the more money he doesn't need there's definitely points at which both of us

are go back into your childhood yeah and i'm especially vulnerable around things that i wasn't allowed to have or couldn't afford which is everything so you're especially vulnerable everywhere that's why i know not to leave you on your own well there was always a friend wasn't there yeah who could have those things this next email relates to that friend who there is a bit of a infatuation with and oftentimes when you're infatuated with another kid and they're the greatest thing ever they're not that nice to you that they don't they don't feel the need to

be nice to you because it's too easy teen and jar absolutely love your show I have a bit of a tricky friendship issue my son has a new friend in Montessori and they were obsessed with each other for whatever reason the friend hasn't been so nice as of lately my son comes home often upset and telling me that the friend tells him he's not good at anything and that he doesn't want to be friends anymore and during drop off or pick up my husband and i see the kid trying to lock arms with others on the playground and block my son oh yeah i get that they're little and trying to navigate relationships for the first time that there's two sides to every story, yada, yada, yada. My son often brings up wanting another play date with this kid.

And I finally said no. I told him who he chooses to be friends with at school is up to him. But he is a really cool, great friend who deserves the same in his friends. But he's shattered over the play date issue and told me he's never going to talk to me again and that ended after five minutes it has to be said am i being too much trying so hard to balance him doing his own thing and learning his own path but i can't bear to see him treated badly by his friends, inverted commas. I know, it's hard.

And look, I am around children more than half my life, and yet if I saw my own kid being treated like that, I'd really have to check myself on not going over and being that mom who's like, I will destroy you. Push them in the chest. Yeah, but look,

you can't get involved in kids friendships that is something i know from a lot of experience and while it is horrible what he's going through now if you plant the idea in your kid's head that another kid doesn't like him you're going to make it worse because in a few days they're going to be over it. They're going to have moved on and it's in the past. I'm going to respectfully disagree. Okay. Okay. They're five, Charlotte. I'm on board with everything you're saying.

I think the only slight change that I'd make is how she said it. So she has said she's shut it down. That's resulted in him feeling distraught and shattered, her words. Whereas all she had to do was redirect, like you always say. Just go, yeah, maybe another day. Yes, that would have been better. Telling him he can't have a play day with that kid too much yeah yeah that's that's where i think that's what i mean by

respectfully disagree because you're still the boss yeah of who comes into your house and when your kids are that small you never need to use the word no you can always redirect they'll never know they're just happy to think oh she, she's going to think about that. Oh, yeah, that's a great idea. We'll organize that soon. You raise a really good point, though, about kids being tools to each other one minute and then the next being. Oh, it's horrific. Like, that does not change.

I said it to you. Like, no parent should ever have to go onto the playground because you won't survive it without crying. Because if you saw how children treat each other every lunchtime you'd be horrified i think you would hug your child a bit tighter when they come home from school if you saw what playgrounds look like so tina worked on playground duty in england when we were there yeah for my first year teaching i only did the morning so to make up my hours i had to do the older school playground duty every day i mean guys she came back like she'd just been on a tour of duty in vietnam it was hard because i really cared about all the kids now like other

teachers were great but you know had a bit of a more hands-off hands-off approach but i really felt like these kids need help navigating these friendships there needed to be a sheriff yeah but you know what that time on the playground was great because i did raise it to the fabulous vice principal we had in that school and she created this gorgeous thing which was playground monitors where she trained up a load of the year sixes to be actually go around intervening in little you know skirmishes that were happening yeah the younger ones and it was the younger ones but if you your hose her husband has witnessed a kind of bullying behavior they have to go to the teacher this is where the teacher is your asset your ally look they whatever that teacher says to you they've allowed this to become the energy in their classroom.

They haven't been on it friendship-wise, and they need to step up. You need to go into that teacher and tell them you're really worried your child is being bullied. You don't want to use that word yet, but you're worried that they're being isolated a little bit. They're definitely being uttered. Things are being said to them.

You don't think that's okay. I mean, the teacher will be so mortified. They'll feel awful for the kid, because at that age in montessori your whole job is for them to be this social so this organism this is my next question what do you do as a parent if like you say the teacher will be mortified how does a parent deal with being dismissed in that scenario we're talking montessori level okay and we definitely witnessed this we won't say where raise a thing and just kind of a teacher just goes oh kids you know well you have to be ready to say that um i get that you haven't noticed this yet i know you're busy in here but we have noticed it so i would like you to start noticing it

i'd like you to start watching and see if you see anything and at the end can i be the teacher yeah Yeah. I mean, we'll try. But these children are doing their own thing. We can't be interacting and keeping an eye on every interaction between them. I would say to that teacher, well, I'm sure you're aware that it is your job to keep an eye on our kids. And if you aren't able to fulfill your role, then I will have to meet with the principal. Do not worry. I will let her know or him that I have spoken to you already about this. But if you're not willing to take this seriously, I will take it higher.

Oh, I am taking it seriously. That's great. That's good to know. So we will meet next week and I'd like to hear your updates. I love it. Natina, like that might be the most powerful piece of advice that you've ever given on this podcast, because I genuinely feel that when people are going to teachers, well, a lot of the time they're getting the right response. There's great people there there must be nothing

as disempowering as going to them with a genuine concern and being batted away on the grounds of oh you're being over the top and we heard that at different turns when we express concerns yes and i have to stress that having been a teacher for so long the kids who get kept an eye on are the parents who shout loudest so don't be afraid to use your voice because they are doing what those parents say because they don't want that inconvenience of having to deal with that parent again so they will be like we got to keep on top of this i can't be having one of those meetings again i'm not getting paid enough for this is what they'll say so just go in there hopefully you don't have to get serious with them but don't be afraid to use it because they will work harder for you if they're afraid of you

because they won't want to deal with that mom i think pretty much the very first babysitter that came into my house i had a crush on i remember also having a crush on all of my sister's friends not mave's friends my sister who's like two years above me but my eldest sister's friends just in love with them all oh you seem to have been in love with every single person on the telly as well though um most of them these days we're watching anything from the 80s or 90s yeah but like i was in love with that person yeah yeah yeah no like it was just a better life. It was just like Kelly Kapowski, just like,

save the bell, all of it, home and away. The weather was so much better. It's just like, what are we doing living here? Why are we on this windswept, wet island

when there's a place where people don't just have one outfit? Because we're not all wearing the same Dunn stores. Same Dunn stores clothes. Everybody dressed the same like Cold War Russia.

And there they are. They're going to the Max for lunch. They're going to lunch. They're going for chips and burgers for lunch. I'm eating Ravita. Oh, Ravita.

Were Cara's friends aware that you fancied them were you too you'd have to ask them I think I was pretty chill she did have one um exchange student who was so attractive that boys were coming to the house you lived in the middle of nowhere. No, this was when we were on holidays to find out if this was the house that the pretty girl went into. Oh, wow. And she was horrendous to me. I did not fancy her, even though she was clearly

the most attractive girl Kerry had ever seen. You didn't fancy her because she wasn't kind to you? She was horrible to me. Oh, wow. And she also, I was getting changed in my room

and she walked by and flicked open the door to try and embarrass me. Oh, wow. pretty because your sister Cara is very beautiful too. I'll dig out a photo of her because I couldn't see it. You know when somebody's mean to you and suddenly you can't see. Like who did you fancy? You have a photo of her. There's pictures from that family trip. In our house right now. I keep them under the mattress. Who was the elder statesman that you fancied? What was the youngest crush? Our next question is, this is not just out the youngest crush our next question is this is not just out of nowhere our next question is about crushes oh you mean like on people people off the tv when you were a kid what was the grown-up person okay that you fancy real life i don't even

know their name i just know that they used to work in the bar in hamilton's in leanan and i used to be day made if i went in and they were there i don't even know what age were you probably nine or ten or nine i was definitely way isn't it amazing how close your kids kids can play their hand to their chest that nobody would have known he was the best looking person i'd ever seen my life even to this day oh i can't really remember anymore but uh he possibly i just couldn't believe that somebody that good looking was just living in lena i think he was one of the kings or something i wouldn't even know him now one of the kings i remember meeting him at the races when i was a bit older and like being like

i got prayed. Oh, yeah, there was definitely some fella in Navan you told me about who came to the door. Oh, no, do not. Back off, Charlie. That was triggering, was it? That is so. I will tell that story.

She's gone red. If you don't say his name. It was so embarrassing. We'll save it to the end. We'll save it to the end. We have to get to this question she's she had got her so good okay hey tina and jar this is definitely going to be your strangest question yet not as strange as tina's interaction with this gentleman at the door as

a child it's really innocent i have a situation with my seven-year-old son that I'm unsure how to handle. Usually he's a real little sweetheart, brilliantly behaved, the perfect child, really. But his behavior is awful when he's around my new partner. He's developed a crush on her and is instantly jealous of any attention she gives to anyone else especially me he becomes rude vindictive spiteful around her and has begun to resent me for all the extra discipline i've had to apply now when my partner casually hugs or kisses me he immediately intercedes this is like the way some dogs are you know like that kid from uh what is it that film with you granting it she's not your mom she's not she's only sweet on me yeah she's not sweet on you she's actually this is but you know this is quite a serious one because like he's trying to discipline and it's getting worse.

When we hug, he tries to physically pry us apart. Oh God, he's seven. Like, this is embarrassing. Today, he was so distressed by this that he hit me as hard as he could. Okay. He's aggressively, sorry, he has absolutely never behaved aggressively before. This is his trigger. This lady.

Hmm. He's always been laid back and affectionate kid. Separation from his mother was mutual and peaceful. And we co-parent effectively with no major conflict. He was too young to remember the separation anyway. So I don't think that's where it's coming from. He's mentioned, I think there's quite a bit in that paragraph there because, you know, he may not consciously remember,

but he definitely knows this is different. Yeah. He's mentioned how he wishes my partner was his girlfriend and how he wants me to go away so she will marry him instead and he said which we found kind of funny and cute at first but now it's become a real struggle i'm sure you you listening to this the writer of this email will understand our reaction here we're not laughing at i am a little bit i'm sorry i'm laughing i'm not laughing but that is some funny shit like tina's in the meantime scouring the room for a rat which is not

in this room okay sorry i've talked to him i've explained how his behavior is unacceptable to no success not sure what i can do to help him through this would love to hear your thoughts okay so here's what i think obviously this kid has a lot of feelings that he's not able to fully express yet but secondly i think the most important thing here is he has noticed that daddy feels something for this woman that he has not seen before and he's seeing daddy behave in a way that maybe he hasn't seen daddy behave towards any other women and he's like this is serious and he doesn't know how to process any of this so i think maybe he thinks he's spoken to the kid enough but he hasn't he hasn't prepared him enough he hasn't told him exactly what's going on he hasn't this kid could also be worried that

he really likes this girl and daddy might break up with her and then she's gone you know so i think like we have to take in mind how many relationships has he witnessed come and go you know true enough he really like it's such a compliment he likes this girl so much he wants her to keep her here for himself and if you're not going to keep her here i will i'll keep her here right well that is possible it's possible Right. I'm not saying that's the absolute. But there's some, first of all, there's some miscommunication. There's a misunderstanding. I always think this when people heckle at comedy shows.

You're not getting this. No, they haven't explained too much. This kid doesn't understand that even if you do feel this way, that's an unacceptable way to behave with a woman. Absolutely. You need to, there needs to be a family meeting where you, your child and that lady, your partner, sit down and you talk about how you want to be happy. You all want to be able to hang out. There are certain things that are happening at the moment that cannot happen anymore. Allow the child to talk.

Remembering that you can't react to him in the family meeting you just have to take on board what he's saying but with the hope to leave the family meeting with three new rules of how we behave when this lady is in the house what is acceptable behavior and how the three of us and also sorry i nearly forgot you need to stress every single day to this kid that you love them and you're not going anywhere as their father right we totally take for granted that the fear here might be i'm losing i'm gonna lose you i'll lose you to her you seem to like her more than me or you're gonna break up with her and i'm gonna lose her like there's so many worries if your child is acting out the main thing is he's worrying there's a lot of worries in there you're going to need to talk to him and if you can't talk to him in a family

meeting setting if you don't think he's mature enough for that just like i said earlier get the toys out get a game going and when the game is really in like firing away and he's so into the game then pepper him with questions about how do you feel when this happens what would you like about this and then you'll get your truth out of him too but i mean it is hilarious it's so inappropriate but whatever way you're dealing with it right now you're not doing yeah and there's something underneath there's something like here is a worry. In terms of the physical aggression stuff, right, because that's it now escalating. There's the kind of grumpy stuff like,

hey, won't hurt me. And then there's the actually engaging it. This guy is really adamant in the email. This was a great kid yeah so the upsetment has happened here like he's acting and there's also a boundary cross in terms of yeah you know we don't use our hands for that kind of stuff he might not just be getting enough affection this kid too he might just need a few more hugs but i would does she hug him that's the other question maybe he's getting hugs and affection from her that he's not used to getting and he really likes it.

Maybe. But also, I would say this dad needs to kind of ignore some of the stuff. Like when he says these things. Might be getting a big reaction. Just ignore it. You don't have to interact with him on that. Just let him say it. Just say things like, oh, thanks for telling me that.

Oh, that's interesting. If you are listening to this now going i lived through this as well please get in touch because i mean it is a do get in touch because we have not had this question so we'd love to hear from you honey you are ruining our kid at gmail.com is the email address tina gets back to absolutely everybody and you know you don't have to be on the air, even though we'd love to. We'd love you to. With so many emails from people going, don't put me on the air.

Come on forward and understand that you will be kept anonymous. We can change any details you want and Tina will find a strategy or at least send you in the right direction. And with this kid, though,

just before we leave it, like I'm saying, ignore the small stuff, right? Obviously, you can't ignore if he's hitting it. So you kind of have to give him a warning then and you have to be ready to follow through with an achievable consequence i say this all the time but if your child is hitting you that's not okay you can't just ignore that but what you can do is give them a warning and say if you do that again that's unacceptable behavior if you do that again there's going to be a

consequence the consequence will be and you say it and if they do it again you say okay i told you not to do it i gave you a warning now this is the consequence for that behavior and then let it go once you've lived out that consequence don't hark back to it you know come on over to patreon.com forward slash irishman abroad to hear the extra chunk of this week's episode. Every single week there's an extra chunk over there for you to enjoy where we hear back from previous emailers to see how things worked out and a little more a deeper discussion on some areas and books that we're reading at the moment that might be helpful to you. Price of a pint each month over on patreon.com forward slash Irishmanabroad. Massive help to keep this podcast running.

And back out on tour all the way through April, May, June. For the end of the Your Man tour, we're taking it to America. So if you're listening to this in America, Boston, Chicago, New York. No tickets left in Boston. A few left in Chicago. And we're adding an extra show in New York at the Gramercy Theatre. Come out, see the show. It is very exciting. See you soon. Tina, thanks so much. Thanks, Charlotte.