Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - My Kid Flipped - My Kid Refuses To Help Me - My Kid Won't Eat! S2E21

Episode Date: February 19, 2024

Does your kid refuse to do any chores around the house and if they do, it's a HUGE deal? Was your kid an angel last week but now won't listen to a word you say? Take a deep breathe. The kids back at school. Now it's time to examine what the hell happened over the midterm. Jarlath and I have a banger episode to help you make sense of it all.Question 1- No matter how much they might want you to believe it, getting your child to pull their weight around the house is not a violation of child labour laws. If you’re raising your children on a farm how do you get them to be stake holders in the farming process? Motivating our kids to be active participants in how the family runs it’s day to day is a major issue in almost every house. Have we unwittingly raised entitled kids who don’t think they have to help out in the home? Children who don’t even consider that to be one of their responsibilities? How can we get that them involved and get everything back on track. Questions 2- The Terrible Threes are a real thing. This week we hear from a mom whose behaviour has flipped upside down. She’s gone from being overly obedient toddler to a completely independent young woman toddler who can’t be reached. Tantrums for days and a mom struggling to cope. How can we help her and get her three year old to be reasonable and approachable again? Question 3- Picky eating kids are a dime a dozen but that doesn't have ot be a reality we accept. Today we hear from another exhausted mom who is worried about how little her kid eats. Tune in to hear how Tina’s Tapas technique can change your life! No exaggeration this technique works every single time. Thank you for listening in, subscribing and spreading the word. If you need to email our show get your emails over to [e-mail] hear the full XL episode each week and gain access to the back catalog of our podcasts including interviews with Sharon Horgan, Mary Robinson, Marian Keyes, Cecelia Ahern and Imelda May pop on over to www.patreon.com/irishmanabroad

it's honey you're ruining our kid the parenting podcast from the irish man abroad podcast network with me jarleth reagan and my wife tina there she is on her phone on her phone checking you've amended the notes i have amended the notes i've included all sorts yeah because I was like that's not what I wrote we've so much stuff for you guys to enjoy this week including a question from a mom who wants to know how the hell

do you teach your kids just to be more part of the community more willing to work how do you teach work ethic to your kids maybe the toughest question we've ever had

well it's it's something that's coming up in all areas everywhere I wanted to ask you a questionina as we come out of midterm break congratulations on surviving it breathe out now that they're back at school uh you can get back to doing work properly and maybe just get a rest i mean it's so bloody exhausting midterm break is not a break for parents yeah it's so full-on yeah and last time uh we were on talking about midterm break is not a break for parents yeah it's so full-on yeah and last time uh we were on talking about midterm break specifically we stayed at a beautiful hotel

in kilkenny and we saw some terrible shit in the swimming pool that's true and it made me think about because last time we went to see wonka, which I totally recommend. Everybody go and see Wonka. Brilliant family movie. What a beautiful, beautiful addendum to the existing movie. And honoured the classic. Honoured the classic. And also there was a row of kids in front of us who were loving it. Loving it. That's your version.

Because I was a bit like, am I going to have to go down here and tell these kids, sit down. They were dancing. watch the movie. They were getting involved in all the dances. They were dancing, but there was a moment at the start where you turned to me and said, are they just not going to control their kids at all? Yeah, before the movie started, I got a bit worried. And that made me wonder, to start off the show, I wanted to ask you, Tina, as the child behavior behavior expert maybe this is an etiquette question when is it okay to step in now i'm talking about when there's not going near the more serious stuff of people hitting their kids in public or you know shouting in their kids faces or where you

think a kid's in danger i mean where kids are acting the bollocks in the old days in the 80s specifically yeah parents random parents would discipline random kids people who weren't even parents would go then it would be a threat on a train the man will come over now and he to see the man this is a big man he's going to tell you he's not liking what you're doing yeah and you that man would be sitting there going i'm not going to do anything but you were threatened by other people yeah that's true when do you believe for the are is it okay to step in and go uh you guys can need to be quiet the cinema number one i think it's impossible to do that if there's a parent there if there's a parent there you got to hope that parent is going to step up i mean if you're at a cinema or something like that you can go out to lobby and tell on them what if the

parents have nipped to the lobby themselves and the kids are going bananas oh well if there's no grown-up there you're absolutely allowed to go full teacher yeah really yeah you you guys have no idea what full teacher looks like i'm a nice I mean, we should put up a video of the ice stare that you give kids. I don't know if it's that scary. I just think... It's like an X-Men superpower.

Tina will look across the room and it's like this stare nearly makes a sound. It goes, shing! And they go, huh?

Huh? The lady looked at me and goes, we better stop. No, you're making me sound terrifying. I agree. The look is terrifying. You're not terrifying. i agree that i definitely can get kids stop doing stuff up to a certain age

so and then they're like what's with the lady so if there's no parent around you're up for it so sean hughes rip sean hughes uh used to be a good friend of mine i remember him telling me a story of being in a cafe where they had the lovely brett was an artisan kind of hipster cafe in shoreditch and they had oh god yeah no he was like larry david before there was larry david and this kid was going up and picking up the bread rolls and putting them back and putting them in different baskets i pick up the brown one and i put it in the white basket and he was looking at it going as a germaphobe uh if this kid touches another one of those breads yeah i'm gonna lose it yeah and eventually got up from his coffee and

said oh god you're not meant to touch the bread and And his dad went bananas, like he said. Turned out the dad was somebody in the industry. Took the opportunity to smack Sean down and say, what would you even know about raising kids? All of this kicked off a good example of you needed that dad to be out of the picture for you to make that correction. Well, he should have gone to the dad. If the grown-up is there, I would never go straight to the kid because the grown-up's there.

What do you say to the dad then? You just say, I don't know if you've noticed, but your kid is touching all the bread. Then you've afforded the dad an opportunity to do something about it. And if he doesn't, then you go up to the kid and you say, I don't think what Sean said was wrong. I'd be much more in both situations, right? In the cinema and the kid and you say i don't think what sean said was wrong i'd be much more in both situations right in the cinema and the cafe and the bread touching i would be much more inclined to tell on them to the staff don't bring the parents into it you do what sean did i've seen you do it where were we recently oh yeah oh my goodness we were in uh calmer abbey and there

was a kid who kept opening the presses and ringing the bells. Kalmorabi, in case you guys don't know, the most beautiful old school in Mayo. And same thing. No. Charlotte! I just say that to annoy Tina. Mikey and I both say that all the time to annoy. We're at Kalmorabi.

Just a stunning piece of history. Yeah. As of course, there is a little French kid who is not... I do not listen to my parents. I just run around with the shitty pants. Oh, darn. That's not nice. Tina, he was a little street urchin.

It wasn't on him that he had shitty pants. His parents couldn't have given a fuck. Yeah, they were letting him do what? And he was dragging out of things that were 200 years old. He was opening doors and emptying them. And I was like, you're not supposed to open a door. He didn't speak English. So I said to him, you're not meant to do that.

Yeah. And I just said it really straight. You're not meant to do that. And then his mother turned around, who I assume had some English, who didn't go, yeah, the man's right. She just gave me the death stare that you give kids. She did give you the death stare. But I did think, I thought you were okay.

It was a little bit rough. Like, the worst I saw. How should I have done it? You can, like, you could have just gone. Excuse me, little boy. No, you could have just gone. That's a piece of Irish heritage you just fucked up there. I don't know if you know this this but we're not allowed to touch that

can you well it doesn't speak english no no what i always do is i always say talking to a dog if i'm trying to tell a kid not to do something i will always say oh you didn't know this but you're actually not i do that and i and then i always go if you see someone else doing that will you please let them know that that's not okay and then then it's okay because he's like oh i didn't know and i must remember i'm much more you have to stop it now yeah you have to stop it you're to stop call the guards but it just means they're not walking off offended they're walking off thinking oh i must remember i'm the big guy now yeah i've experienced

the worst one you did was when we're in the zoo and you were holding mikey he was a tiny tiny baby and then this little also tiny child maybe four year old fell over jarlett and jarlett was like what are you doing where'd you even come from and i had seen the whole thing and i had just seen jarlett not see the child i just walked on this kid you did you know the from? And I had seen the whole thing. And I had just seen Charlotte Nazi the child. I just walked on this kid. You did. You know the way kids have like tiny little calves?

Yeah. Well, I stood on this little girl's calf muscles and like kind of trod her to the ground like a steamroller. You were so sleep deprived. Because I couldn't see where I was going. I had a kid in my hands.

Yeah, you turned around to a four-year-old and were like, where did you come from? Where did you come from? This is all new. Who's even watching this kid? She looked at me like,

this is a trauma I'm going to keep with me for the rest of my days. She probably did. Probably does. We'll probably get an email from her now. Let's get to question number one. Hi, Jaren, Tina. I hope it's okay to email you with a query for your podcast. Of course it's okay.

Irishmanabroadpodcast.gmail.com or honeyyou'reruiningyourkid.gmail.com I love it, by the way, and have been listening since I saw you on the Angela Scanlon show on RTE. Also, I can't wait to come to one of your shows, jigser.com forward slash gigs for upcoming tour dates. I need help. I am a mum of 3.2 boys.

I don't know what that means. I think it's three children, two boys. Three children, a mum of three. 3.2 boys. I'm not sure you really count this as a human being. Point two. Two boys and a girl. Aged 13, 11 and 9.

It was all self-explanatory if I just kept reading. Youngest is a girl. We come from a busy dairy farm where my husband and I both work. My issue is my kids with the farm, especially the oldest. My God, trying to get him to work is so hard. Every time we ask, there is a drama and it ends up getting so heated and unfortunately shouting. We pay him. We try our best to inform him of what

exactly he has to do and how long it will take. But of course, this can change. His sense of entitlement is overwhelming. He answers back continuously. Anyway, I guess I just want to teach my kids the meaning of helping out a family business. Having a work ethic and knowing they have responsibilities is the key for me. They want for nothing in life and are so privileged but it is so hard to teach them that you have to help and work and take responsibility for things

how do i teach them that they don't have the right to question our authority on anything and answer back so much anonymous that That is a very relatable question. I'm very aware that my son is very. To a lot of people. To a lot of people. I love this question. Right. I think it's an age thing as well as anything else.

It's a very difficult age. But I feel like a lot of people and if, and if we were all honest, every single parent is struggling with this one. I think some aren't, right? Here's the parents that I think are not struggling with it. Okay. Those that got in early. Yeah. Now, I would say if this mom is really honest, introducing the work at this point is the problem that if the scenario had

been of course you guys uh have you got your jobs done before dinner when they were weenie teeny you montessorian yeah well i believe in that completely yeah that like they feel invested they feel part of their, they're happier. Do you know what I feel though happens? School and homework, because you can have a real like I had a really good set up and people can have a really good set up before they go to school. And so you've got this tiny little kid who has all their jobs and they're really responsible and independent and it's working brilliantly and then life happens to your home. And you've got school and homework and stressed out children and all these different activities.

And it is really hard to fit in those jobs. Yeah. It just is. I take that on board. Little by little, you let those jobs dwindle away. And then they come to an age where you're like, no, they should have jobs. They should be involved in the farm. And of course they should.

But then it's really hard, just like you say, to get them to be involved. Did you have jobs growing up? involved in the farm and of course they should but then it's really hard just like you say to get them to be involved did you have jobs growing up i had so many jobs me too yeah i remember there was a roster i don't think we're being seven years old hoovering that but i don't think there was a roster in our house i think i kind of took it upon myself to have jobs yeah because i saw my mom working all the time and i used to think on the saturday well if you were that kid if i do this and this that was my brother you know the time and I used to think on a Saturday, well, if I do this and this. That was my brother. You know, then she won't have to do it. My brother had assigned himself.

My brother had assigned himself all these jobs. His job was to get up in the morning, bring tea up to my parents, lay the table for breakfast, have everybody out of bed at a quarter to eight. And he would be downstairs clapping his hands and singing along to Bruce Springsteen to try and wake us all up oh that was his method hear him that's that was our alarm yeah um i was the kid that was told you have to clean the down the downstairs bathroom you have to you have to do these jobs and like honestly i was washing my own clothes early doors yeah but you're like this is kind of worrying because then you just just stop doing all that stuff so really does it help you as a human when you get older i don't know oh like i've known you a long time fired on saturday i will know you 24

years when we first started dating your apartment was a cesspit speak to my flatmate who at the time he was worse than you he didn't understand why the apartment was a cesspit but my room was immaculate no no no i'm sorry my room was immaculate the rest of the apartment was destroyed your room was tidy it wasn't immaculate it was not by those standards okay and then i lived with you i've lived with you for a long time you don't do shit like that okay so what is the what is the how do we get this you're the problem i'm the problem i do too much and this mom is the problem. I'm the problem. I do too much. And this mom is the problem. Yeah, we do too much. I believe this. That the sense these kids have is that like, it'll get taken care of. Yes. And that is something I struggle with too.

And you have been in my life 24 years. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. And, you know, you're just on it. You're on everything. You really are all over everything. Yeah. I say this jokingly. I don't get a chance to pick up my clothes.

But you know what I mean? No, no, I do. I agree that Mikey doesn't get a chance either. You used to come in and clean the dishes in our apartment. Yeah. Because you couldn't stand seeing them there. Oh, well, it was just disgusting. And I'm sure this mom is the same way.

And she's like, well, why aren't you a shareholder in this why do you view this as as she says the entitlement to the staff looking after it i feel this pain i i i have to say to this mom i relate to you on an absolute visceral level because i feel like i have all the tools and i still don't know you got two tools anyway but you know what it's so funny because this morning I was reading another thing on this as just coinkydink and it was there's this like list from um you know the children's psychiatric society or whatever it is I follow I can't remember the exact name of it set up their own psychiatric society or whatever it is i follow i can't remember the exact name of it set up their own psychiatric society i've obviously got that name wrong stop setting up these societies and

do a bit more housework lads it had five simple rules to help you as a parent avoid an entitled child hit me with the number one first one was be careful with how you praise your child and that is something i've always said but we i still get it wrong they're like do not praise them for things they should be doing instead praise when they worked hard say i'm so proud of how hard you worked on this product project and i'm always saying that if a child shows you your draw a drawing don't say oh my god that's amazing say thank you for showing me your drawing I love it don't tell them it's brilliant they'll stop trying with that drawing

I see it all the time in the classroom yeah all the time if you say if you overpraise your kid they just think what a dumbass yeah I didn't even have to do anything. I didn't even try that hard. And then they say, the second rule is, set and enforce clear boundaries. Bedtime is 8pm, sticking to rules is important. And that is a really important one, because if there's wriggle room on the rules in your house, the respect slides away. And if you are finding yourself married to someone

who sometimes lets rules slide you have to try and get them in line get them in line again be on the same page bring them back and be like we're the same cop these boundaries are so important because when we say something we need to know that they know we mean it yeah this may not eradicate answering back no but it would make them understand that you're never going to win like when the ref shows you a yellow card no one has ever had the ref rescind it no so i get that i do get that but i do think just to jump in really quick the pushback is so natural but the practice for you is ignoring it. Ignoring it to a point.

But if it's too cheeky and too disrespectful, you are well within your rights to say, okay, I'm giving you a warning now. If this doesn't stop, I do not like how you're speaking to me. I'm your mother. You should not speak to me like that. You're getting a consequence.

And that is fair enough. It just sounds like how you talk to me. But that does work. this one is so important but that like that over and over in this series doesn't matter what age the kid is every kid deserves the warning oh yeah you got it says we're going to shouting matches don't let it get there you're the boss yeah you have to remember it's very hard to remember you're the boss in those moments you have to take the breath count to 10 and say okay here's a warning that you're going to get a warning this is not okay the way you're speaking to me right now is disrespectful i will give you a warning and if you continue there's going to be a consequence

okay so this seems like a no-brainer but oh God, so many parents are getting it wrong on this one. Limit material rewards. Let's celebrate without buying anything. That's important. Why does your kid always need something? It's a slippery slope, especially if you are married to someone who's away a lot and has a lot of guilt. Yeah.

Or also somebody who didn't get much stuff as a kid like look if you're from that farming background that was how it was because you were in the countryside um you know what's mad about this one tina yeah is how much they'll prefer if you guys do this we're all gonna have a family board game that yeah they're going to want that more because we're so we're so exhausted we don't really want to do it we forget how much they just want that together time yeah but um the material thing is so important though because it gets out of control fast and all of a sudden your child's asking for things and you're like oh my god the little monkeys always asking for things but like because you told him to yeah you know yeah um i'll hurry up now teach accountability let your teacher know you forgot to finish your

homework this i fall down on every time i'm always covering his ass i'm always covering swooping in yeah save you and they actually said that's the number one thing you can do because that teaches the kids to not really care. My mom. It'll be sorted. My mom. These things always work out. This is the key.

To me, this is the key. That it's like, if you don't want to help on the farm, if you don't want to scrub out that toilet, it is going to stink. And that's on you. I don't know if that'll work because the kid won't care about that as much. But I think if they forget something or they lose something, you got to make them own that, you know, and then maybe that accountability will grow naturally. And the last one is avoid comparing them to others. And that is just so important not to do that.

Your cousin David would never do this. Like we've gone is just so important not to do that. Your cousin David would never do this. Oh, like we've gone out of our way not to do that. It's really, really hard because sometimes it's an easy tool. Yeah, and others are doing it. Relatives are doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can feel the bang of it off people sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But that's super important. Just don't. What does that do, comparing? Comparing, well, it makes them feel less. You're diminishing their confidence because you're making them think this person they like, they're less than them. Yeah, sure.

But it's so hard not to do it because essentially this mother is saying, I'm seeing other kids that are invested in the farm, that are doing the work. I'm seeing other kids that are invested in the farm, that are doing the work. So how does she say you are below the acceptable standard without saying these other kids are the acceptable standard? Well, see, what you're doing, though, is you're you're telling them that their strengths are, you know, what? Everyone has different strengths and different challenges and by comparing these kids you're saying that that kid is better than your kid when really they all just have their

own abilities it's just kind of tapping into them how do we tap into our kids and I think I always come back to this I know and people must be like okay tina we know you're going to say this but they need a family meeting they need an actual family meeting where they talk to each other in a very respectful circle of trust where everyone gets the voice and these parents need to be ready for the family meeting so that they don't lose it with these kids who who are allowed to say whatever they feel even if it is totally unreasonable what they say. You just have to breathe and take it because the hope is you're going to leave this family meeting with those kids understanding that we are a unit.

This is a community on this farm. We have to work together. Everyone in this house has a role. It's a team. This is a team. And we need you guys to do jobs we need each of you to have two jobs maybe start small okay we're going to give you the opportunity to choose one of your jobs and we will assign the other one that way you're not giving them full control but they

feel like they've got a bit of an option and you know just reminding them that you know we have jobs we're you're trying to fit everything. We need you guys on board too. Killer. Tina, anytime you're killing it like this, I'm always thinking, this is a free podcast. I don't know. I want to get it right for this mom, but I don't know. Because you know what? She is paying them.

I don't think she should be. I don't know about the payment thing. When she said that, everybody gets pocket money. Obviously, a lot of people don't. But most people get some sort of pocket money. And that's what I was going to say. I think she should take the attachment away from being paid for the job. Yeah. To actually you get pocket money every

week because then change it allowed to if they don't do their jobs, she can say, well, the consequences, you don't get your pocket money this week or something. Yeah. I mean, I'd love to hear how this this goes and i'd also love to hear how you guys are doing it yourselves because there's other people that aren't struggling with this somebody out there right now listen to this goes well my five-year-old loves pulling the clothes out of the clothes dryer and putting them in the basket and bring them to the laundry room yeah get in touch honey you're ruining our kid at gmail.com is the email address and come on over to patreon.com forward slash irishmanabroad where later on i'm going to discuss my visit back

to my family home where my mother pulled out the file of every school report i ever got in my life i can't believe you're not. I can't believe the file, but you're not going to believe the stuff we found in there. That's over on Patreon. It really does explain a few things. That's all I'll say. Gina, thanks so much for this answer.

And thank you so much to this really honest mom for getting in touch. But I do think of all the things we said, your advice of not reacting in the moments is going to make this man feel more in control. Honestly, I can't wait for people to hear our analysis of those school reports. Was your jaw on the floor? Well, I just didn't want you to show Mikey them.

I assumed the worst. And I was right too. I'm not joking. Well, yeah, there's some startling information in there. And there's also some dramatic turnarounds. In years when it was like they were kind of deciding, hey, this guy's a bum. He's a waste of time.

I loved proving them wrong. What I really noticed, and I think I would love parents to take on board, your teacher really matters really matters it can be the making of your kid and if you think your kid has a teacher who doesn't believe in them get into that classroom and tell that teacher to shake that shit off because it will affect your child yeah i, I just hate the idea of the finished notion. Like this whole podcast hinges on the idea that any behaviour can be broken in four days. Or changed or fixed or whatever you want to call it.

It's your responsibility as a parent to give every single child a fair chance in your class. The idea that there are still teachers out there who just take a dislike to a kid. Or who think that's their potential they don't really have that that's not in them definitely made a few teachers dislike me i hope to say that yeah it's their job to make you want to like school i'm glad i found comedy hello jarleth and t. Long time listener. Love your show. I am a mum of a three-year-old daughter. Up until about a week ago, she had been a complete angel. Uses manners, picks up her toys, always listens, eats what we make. Generally just do what she's told.

Last week, it's like I brought home a totally different child from her Montessori. First of all, Tina, have you ever heard of that? Oh, yeah, it happens all the time. Okay, let's go. If I tell her she can't do something, or have something, or go somewhere, eat something, or just in general, she starts screaming.

So this is a new development from a kid that was previously an angel. She will hit, bite, yell, scream, throw things. Won't allow me or her dad in her room. She will literally scream and cry for an hour. Holy flip. Wouldn't this freak you out as a parent who had one day, next day, night and day. I can't do anything to console her i've tried talking in a nice low nice tone of voice taking her things away as she throws them holding her to try to get her to calm down uh using the distraction method which is what you generally

suggesting leaving her never encourage anyone to hold their child, though, when they're in a tantrum. Leaving her alone, but nothing seems to work. She eventually will snap out of it, especially if she sees me cry, which I try to hide so she doesn't think she has any power over me. So she doesn't think she has any power over me. We've tried good behaviour charts, letting her be as independent as realistically possible. But I am at my wits end now.

Sorry for the long drawn out post. No need to apologise. The more information you send us, the better. I feel like a terrible mother not knowing how to help my child. Anonymous. Well, I mean, a few things just off the top. If it's only been a week, it seems like you've tried a lot of different ways of coping. And you might have given up on them all a little bit fast.

Because your child needs a consistent reaction from their parent. And you need a consistent approach for them to take you seriously another thing is it's so normal for a three-year-old to just start acting out really big time well that's gonna come as we all great news to this moment a lot of people but i think it's widely agreed now that the terrible trees are really the thing or the two can go into three yeah but my heart and my tummy my mommy worry tells me that something has happened at montessori at school something well like it's a drastic difference in her behavior and she's only tiny she doesn't really know how to express what has happened how it has made her feel and she is acting out because she is looking for something she needs she can't express it and my first thing i would tell this mom to do you need

to set up a meeting with the montessori you need to figure out has a new kid come into the class you know it could be as simple as a new kid joined the class and she's just kind of impressed with the behavior i used to see that a lot in Montessori. If a child entered the class late and maybe they were a little bit tricky, that kid, other kids would emulate their behavior at home because they'd be kind of super impressed. Testing it. With what the kid was doing. And they'd be like, oh, I'm going to do this at home now.

Don't do what Donnie Don't does. But that would just stop. Like they'd do it a few times and then they just get out of their system. But I feel like something happened. You need to go talk to the Montessori teacher. There could be friendship issues. Girls at this age find those very hard to, you know, get through. They really take the heartache to their core.

And it's a lot of worry. Girls can be very tough on each other even at a very young age it could be that she is coming down with something she's just not generally well this mom who's on it so quick yeah but it does sound like you say she's thrown a handful of darts at the dartboard yeah she needs to pick an approach now my approach for a three-year-old would be distraction i don't think you should be leaving your kid on her own she's three years old i do not recommend holding a child like restraining a kid i don't recommend that i think you can restrain the child no not restrain

distract distract the child and that's an easy one to do it doesn't matter if she's having like the most massive meltdown of all time the most important thing in that is not that you teach her a lesson or you get to be in charge the most important thing about that is that she gets out of the tantrum and nothing happens she doesn't hurt you you don't hurt her so there's just distract her with like squeezing sponges or turn on the tap and filling bowls of water just get something else something else happening when she's calm then talk about it say what were you feeling when you started to scream does that work yeah what was happening in your head yeah because they're old enough to tell you yeah and she needs a lot of work with her feelings because she is not she doesn't sound like she's able to process what she's feeling so let's talk about the the going into the school

yeah when you go in because that's the first port of call yeah and this is a bit parents won't want to do because they won't want the teacher to know they're struggling. Yeah. So it takes a bit. How would you word it if you're that parent? Well, for me, I would just be completely honest with the teacher and say, I am worried. This is very different behaviour. This is out of the blue. So describe what the kid has been.

You'll just go in and say, listen, there's what's happened. Yeah. Up till a week ago yeah all good everything she told us yeah say we're really worried have you noticed anything has there been a change has there been i i would just say have you noticed anything because she's a good teacher she should have now if she tells you nothing has happened in the classroom she hasn't seen anything there's no friendship issues fair enough maybe she hasn't noticed yet you can say or he you can say can you keep an eye and then you can also say i would really like if you did some work on friendships and feelings

and how we cope with anger because my child needs help with that obviously because she is doing this and we're going to then you arrange a follow-up meeting yeah and then you ask for direction from her you want to keep you don't want to get the teachers back up you don't want to accuse them of not seeing something if they haven't noticed anything you just say keep an eye because i feel like there's something going on there's something wrong yeah yeah i mean that's so unbelievably helpful you know i have to say you don't a lot of time i don't think you get that like that's so unbelievably helpful, Tina, I have to say. I hope so. A lot of the time I don't think you get that. That's what a lot of parents need is the guidance from your side of it as the teacher.

If you want their help, not coming in with the accusation gun firing is going to make them go, hmm, interesting, yeah, this is something to make them go, hmm, interesting. Yeah, this is something to observe. Oh, yeah, because they know they're supposed to. They know. A teacher knows I should have noticed if there's something going on. So I better keep an eye. A concern's been raised.

Yeah. Let's figure it out together. Yeah. Distraction as the number one technique. And like you say, like in the previous question i guess you need your partner to be on board too because you both need to be doing it like a sticker chart for anger i wouldn't really go there with that because these emotional outbursts are going to be spontaneous so how could a sticker chart ever it's a red mist

but what will work is distraction and i'm talking big things like take out the carpet get a brush let them hit it i'm talking about like turn on the taps let them play in the water get the bubbles in there something really sensory that's just going to bring them to a calmer place and then talk about the feelings get books from the library on feelings you're going to bring them to a calmer place and then talk about the feelings. Get books from the library on feelings. You're going to have to talk about happy feelings, sad feelings, jealous feelings, frightened feelings. You can do like worry boxes. You can, you know, have set up a little area in the house that your child can fill with different colors that represent different feelings. If she's not able to talk to you about it, she can still show you she's feeling this feeling.

And so you can know how to help her with that. So as I said over on Patreon in the final part of our show, after this next question, we're going to be looking back at those reports that I got in school. But we're also going to talk about what you do when your kid's report comes back and it's not great. How do you handle that? What should be said? What's the way to talk about it in those terms? I certainly remember no discussion whatsoever. I don't know why my mother remembered discussions around it, but I was like, I don't I don't remember that ever being said. And if you got some dreadful reports as a kid, you're going to want to hear that over on Patreon dot com forward slash Irishman abroad.

Tina, question number three today is your favourite. It's a picky it's not my favorite i'm still a picky eater you are i am it's terrible you the braces haven't helped now i can only eat like mush we went out for the valentine's day and it was a disaster i have a little bone to pick with restaurants why are none of them thinking about the person who's wearing a brace? Or the person... Or the elderly. Because you eat like an older person now. Yeah, I need mush. Basically, risotto.

It's baby food. Risotto would be fab. Thank you. So we went out for the Valentine's Day dinner and I was so excited. Yeah, well, Daryl the whole time was like,

I found a place where you're going to be able to eat whatever you like because he knows food is everything to me. It wasn't whatever you like. I just saw something on the menu in this place and i was like oh she's gonna love that goat's cheese tartlet which i do love but i can't eat a tartlet anymore because it's too flippin

crunchy anyway i wasn't mean about it yeah you weren't but what wasn't great as well was when we got in the door she ignored us for 15 minutes she She ignored us. The old lady seating everyone. And she spotted us, then went around every table, checked everybody was okay, came back over to us and said, I'll be with you in a minute. Went to the computer and kind of looked at the computer for a bit. If it wasn't Valentine's Day, I think you would have gone full Larry David. I am suffering with high blood pressure at the moment. And this did not help. You're also wearing a blood pressure monitor.

I was wearing a blood pressure monitor at the time. So I was like, keep it, keep it. Patience, Monty. Charlotte and Tina, please tell me I'm not the only parent whose four-year-old is a picky eater. I don't know where I went wrong. The first two years of her life life we were locked down due to the pandemic so we weren't going to restaurants or eating at other people's houses i try so hard

to get her to try new things she only wants snacks cheerios and cheez-its oh whoa whoa that is a perfect diet i mean all the categories yeah filled there she won't eat anything at preschool i think they're starting to look at us like we starve her i don't know what to do any advice well that's very interesting that she's not eating at preschool either because i was thinking you know i always go to tina's tapas now this podcast has been going a long time so the Tina's Tapas episode is like maybe a hundred episodes ago yeah and basically this method that I use it works every single time just sometimes especially with a child like this it's going to take a bit longer right yeah but what I would encourage this mom to do straight away is that now from now on whatever dinner you're making you make

the dinner but every component of that dinner gets put in a separate bowl as it would at a tapas restaurant with a spoon and all the plates are forever empty and something on that table contains something you know your child will eat in this case cheerios is that what she said i mean like just have it out there because you need to know a small amount in the bowl small amount of that and you also the most important thing here is that your child gets fed so you know we want them to broaden their food palette you would put cheerios if that's all the dinner if that's all that kid is likely to eat yeah spaghetti bolognese yeah do you put out uh the cooked mints yeah the red sauce no the spaghetti the vegetables that then go into the the spaghetti bolognese sauce the parmesan cheese yeah the salt

and pepper yeah uh all that gets its own little ball yeah and i was saying no to the sauce but actually if your child is that picky that they won't even touch the sauce, fair enough. Leave it in a separate bowl. And if you think, like this child... One with it pre-mixed, maybe. If you are in a dire situation where your kid will only eat this, there is no harm.

Put the bowl of Cheerios on the table too. Is that what they said? Was it Cheerios, Cheez-Its? Cheez-Its and Cheerios. Yeah, fine. One of them. And then empty plates. And then just say nothing do not talk

about the food this is the magic ingredient yeah and it works because you've got to take the pressure away but you also like it's such like why you have to emphasize this christina will never say this we get emails from people who go, this changed everything. Well, this one has, definitely. People can. This does change lives. Because what eventually happens is, you will do this. Look, we're being realistic here.

This will go on for a few weeks. But still, this is better than having to make four different dinners. You're making one dinner. They're all just being pulled up separately. Eventually, you will just phase it out. This happens every time. Your child is now trying things. They're eating.

They're happy at the table. You've never said a word about it. And now you just plate up the dinner like you normally would. Right. So it's not forever. Sometimes I say, wait until you're at a restaurant and you notice that they're just ordering a meal. That can be a really good sign of, okay, we can for normal do you praise them for trying no thanks there's no praise there's to be no pressure because you've got to be really careful when it comes to food

all you want is a very welcoming table with empty plates and they are allowed to try if they don't do it the first few nights it's okay they will when they feel like the pressure is off they're going to try things and the hard thing is going to be not going well don't look at you eating a big dinner okay right well that's gonna work and we can say that with confidence i'm worried about the preschool though that's unusual that is super unusual i would ask about how are they setting up their snack? Because in my experience, I have noticed that if the snack is available in the classroom at all times,

if there's a little snack table with a little cutting board and a place for bowls and it's very independent, every single kid, even the pickiest kid, will eat. But if it's assigned snack time and the teachers are the one putting plates down and they fill the plates the pushback that there will be a pushback because that kid will feel like they're being told to eat this food and even though if they're not being

willingly uh what's the word voluntarily yeah even if they're not meaning to be a to have a power struggle with food there oh there's something there that they don't like being told what to eat and if i don't know can you gently ask the teacher to set snack up a different way that's a hard one but if you know i think that is strange or just ask or just explain to the teacher here's where we're at yeah this is what i'm trying at home. Yeah. It seems to be working. Yeah. Or we're trying to get it to work. Fill them in.

I mean. I always think your advice is always to get your teacher to be a stakeholder in what's taking place. They should be. They work for you. But she's four years old. So that's actually the perfect opportunity. Like, I have never not seen that work. Set up the snack table.

Allow those kids in the classroom to have food whenever they want. My God. The idea of tiny little hungry kids. But do you know, look at our own. No, sorry, go ahead. No, no. I was just going to say I worked with this incredible teacher who had the biggest heart. Miss Burke Adams in England.

And she was aware a lot of kids were coming in without breakfast and we didn't really have we had snack for snack time but we didn't have breakfast stuff but every day she arrived in with a loaf of bread and a box of cereal and the kids who needed something just got it and i was like fair enough because like why have a hungry child in your class if you can do something about it? If you are using the Tina Tappas method, splitting up your meals, put them in little bowls on the table. Why not send us in a snap? Best snap is going to get a prize.

We've got some Irishman Abroad merch that you can get. Maybe tickets to a live show. Send them in because I know it's working for you. And it's great for other people to see, oh, that's how you're doing it. I'll try that too. That's it for our free episode. If you want to come to Patreon

and hear that juicy extra stuff that I was talking about, how to deal with feedback from the school, which might not necessarily be positive, that you may not agree with, come on over. Patreon.com forward slash Irishishman abroad i am of course on tour tina's there every single night as well tina gets more shout outs than i do after the show people come up and say lovely things thank you for doing that i'm in uh this week i'm going

to nace uh for two shows ennis county claireare note that will already have happened oh sorry then the following week coming back to St Albans Radlash there's still 10 tickets left there

Wexford is fully sold out and then on March 3rd big big show in Cardiff if you're a Welsh listener around that area make sure

to go to the Glee in Cardiff March 3rd that is going to be a fun one we'll talk to you over on Patreon Tina thanks so much for this episode thank you so much sure I love you to go to the Glee in Cardiff March 3rd. That is going to be a fun one. We'll talk to you over on Patreon, Tina.

Thanks so much for this episode. Thank you so much, Gerard. I love you.