Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - My Kid Found My Sex Toy! X-BOX Addicts & Daddy Darlings S2E16

Episode Date: January 8, 2024

And just like that a new year is here and we are all full of hope for the year ahead. Many parents making resolutions to do and wishing they had better kids. Worry not because myself and Jarlath are here to help. Email us at [e-mail] with any concerns and we will get back to you with a workable plan. Question 1- Parenting as good cop vs bad cop never really works out. One parent always ends up feeling taken for granted and burned out. This week a mom gets in touch about feeling isolated from her boys. She has approached her husband and revealed how she feels out of the loop and not part of the gang. He thinks she’s imagining this. She wants help getting through this situation and through to him. Question 2- Has an Xbox arrived into your home and ruined everything. Stress not! First of all you are not alone. Secondly there is help and solutions to take the power back. This week we help a mom and dad who thought bringing an Xbox into their life would make their kids happy, instead they are grumpier and more strung out than ever before. Question 3. An embarrassed mom gets in touch with a very tricky situation. Her daughter found her naughty drawer and is eager to know why her mom needs to use a dildo. We tease out all the possible paths this mom can take making sure feeling any shame about having a naughty drawer is not one of them. Does your kid refuse to talk to you? Pop on over to Patreon for the extra bits - that's exactly what we are talking about over there this week.Jarlath Regan | creating Irishman Abroad Podcasts | Patreon

it's honey you're ruining our kid the parenting podcast from the irishman abroad podcast network and if you've survived christmas but the xbox is ruining your family life you've come to the right place if your kid recently found your dildo you've come to the right place. If your kid recently found your dildo, you've come to the right place. If you feel like your other parent in your life is the favourite and you're being demonised, you've come to the right place. Because those are the three questions on today's show.

And Tina, like, could we have a better start to 2024? I know, they're easy. Mailbag, like, you pluck these tina picks all the emails tina's the one with the expertise in early learning early years severe behaviors 20 years in the business all signs of qualifications coming out her ears yeah so she knows what we need to be talking about and how we need to talk about them so you've obviously been sort of sifting through these yeah well we've gotten a lot over Christmas. Of course we did.

I mean, it's the trickiest time of the year to be a parent. And yeah, I chose these three because they're the most entertaining to start off our new year on Honey, You're Reading Our Kid. And of course, we've had loads of people get in touch who have been previously on the show to say that things are going well. And that always makes me really happy. But i'm so happy to be back yeah and i'm really excited to do the episode a big warm welcome to anybody who's signed up recently to premium honey you're ruining our kid on patreon.com forward slash irishmanabroad over there you get extra large episodes and today's extra large episode we're going to talk about one particular email from a parent who can't get their kid to share anything. Actually, can't get the kid to speak.

Yeah, can't get their life. Yeah. About opening up. Massive problem. A lot of people feel like their kids are, you know, secret agents. They will not crack under interrogation. It's a struggle for us all. If you're feeling that, you'll definitely need to hear that extra large episode over on patreon it's how we keep the podcast going to five or a

month no obligation to stay on you just if you just want to sign up for one month you can but it is how the show works and how it continues and how we've managed to climb the charts get to number one in the charts yeah and enjoy two massive seasons this is episode 16 and it's always a special one coming out of christmas is always special because we survived you survived it we did it listening to this might be your first time to breathe out yeah we are always here for you during term time but of course we had our break too during but it never feels like a break i'm more exhausted now at the end of that holiday holiday inverted commas than i was at the start of it maybe i'm just forgetting how tired i was extra long this christmas for the kids i mean normally they'd be back around the third it's the eighth tomorrow that's five more

days we've had to do you ever feel that tiredness in your shoulders yeah i think every parent knows that tiredness but uh i don't know i have such a buzz in my heart about doing the episode today i like really miss doing it we've got such a great community of people and i love hearing from you guys so please don't worry about emailing in i want to ask you really quick tina because i know that you've been approached by a bunch of media outlets around this topic. Tina gets invited to go on stuff all the time. Most of the time she doesn't have time to do it because of the commitment that this podcast is. And yeah, she's reluctant to do it.

About the issue of, would you call it truancy, absenteeism in schools today and since the pandemic lots of people not sending their kids in as uniformly or as regularly as they would to schools a big piece in the sunday times we'll link it in the bio good piece in the sunday times today from the labor education minister i think and from the point of view of a woman who wasn't didn't come from a very affluent family in england had to go to the public schools and survive them and thrived at them and wants parents to remember that you gotta get your kid to school if you want them to do well in life you know now if you're like me you're listening to this going uh uh, duh. Yeah. Like, I couldn't believe for the first 10 minutes of reading this, that this is a thing that people have to be told.

You gotta send your kids to school all the time. Yeah, well, we know it's a thing because we get loads of emails from parents who are struggling to get their kids out the door because their kid is struggling with that separation anxiety about going to school and not being with mom and actually or their kid just will not listen yeah or their kid won't listen to them but actually i thought was very brave in that times article because that lady that education minister said i don't want to hear about the anxiety with your kids you know okay of course they can have it but

you got to push through it you're the parent you have to parent these kids and get them to school and i think that was very strong and brave of her because those parents who are struggling with the kids who are feeling like they're anxious about going to school if you don't have boundaries and consequences and rules in your house you are in such a bad situation there because you will not be able to get your kid out the door or through the more difficult things that are on the way i mean it's so tough because i feel like there's been a really big misunderstanding of gentle parenting and i'm all for positive reinforcement i am all for not shouting at your child i do not believe in punishing your child ever. But gentle parenting

doesn't mean no boundaries, no rules, no consequences. In fact, the only way you can have this nice, peaceful kind of, you know, I listen to my kids, my kids have a voice, they listen to me, our house is full of respect, is if you have those rules in place. And unfortunately, what we're seeing and what I did see when i was because this article is based on english schools and i worked in a really lovely english school was a lot of parents weren't able to tell their kids what to do now i was a lucky teacher in that school we had an incredible headmistress who really cared about the kids this this way like she believed every child should get to school and she would go into the house herself yeah or she would send a teacher to the

house and the teachers would go and help and get those kids to school i wasn't even aware this was happening like i would see you go out the door to school and you know you would come home and say that they're having difficulty getting this kid in to school yeah i did not know the principal would show up at the door and this is a problem through ireland and i know across america wherever else in the world you're listening to this but i doubt that anybody has the resources no to be able to send a member of staff to get the kid the school i was part of really cared about making sure that there was an a surplus of adults so all their budget money went on extra yeah and they really which is something most schools will not do i want to ask you this when the teacher would arrive at the house

what were the parents not like this is a boundary cross you can't come to my house if i decide not to send my kids to school today, that is my decision. Look, if it's the parent who feels lost and can't get their child to simply go to school, the child will just not listen. That parent is grateful for their help. They were delighted to see them. They are so relieved that someone is having their back. And you do it in a very gracious way.

Obviously, you will also have the parents who actually don't care and that kid it doesn't have the support that you know that's rough our kids are really lucky to have yeah and in those cases the reason my principal or the other teachers would go to those houses is because we knew they weren't getting fed if they didn't get to school that day jesus because you know in england the kids are really lucky and they get the free meals yeah so we were like no we gotta get that kid to school we have a responsibility or there's no and jamie oliver is on loads of work on this yeah marcus rashford yeah yeah and marcus rashford jamie oliver and marcus well he lived it knows that there are some

kids who that's their meal get them to school you know and marcus rashford's mommy wasn't somebody who didn't support him though she just didn't have the money they needed those school meals well uh you might see tina around the place and talking about this yeah you might you might you might not that's this is an issue for you get in touch with the show any issue you have irishmanabroadpodcast at gmail.com tina replies to every single one with a strategy whether you want it on the air or not but we'd prefer yeah if you allowed us to talk yeah and with the on the air because it can help so many other people yeah that's the truth and with the anxiety one if it's just your child not wanting to go to school or not thinking they have to

we've helped so many parents with that that is is a common weekly one. I cannot wait for people to hear one of your emails back this week. Okay. Like the bicycle. I know, that's right. Okay, let's get straight into question number one for this week. Welcome back, everybody. Yeah, welcome back. Happy New Year.

And Happy New Year. Hi, Tina and Jar. I love your show. It's a total lifeline for me. Here's my issue. In our house, Dad is the hero. I love your show. It's a total lifeline for me. Here's my issue. In our house, dad is the hero and I'm the villain. I feel like he readily supports and enables these feelings in my child. And when he denies it to me, I don't believe him.

I feel like I'm being gaslit in my own home. And I need your help with this. I get that they're friends. I get that they've got more in common with each other than me. But I need a united front to parent my child. How do I approach my husband on this? And how do I get things onto an even keel and to where they need to be? Sincerely, Anonymous.

You readily identify with this email. I know you do i don't think that you like gang up on me with mikey or that you're secretly you know um teaming up with him but i definitely feel isolated from the well let's be clear every parent at some point looks to their kid and rolls their eyes about their partner you have done it no way i have not you don't say to mikey oh daddy's in a bit of a mood today because of no i never say that i might say to mikey i'm really sorry the way your father is speaking but he's in a mood but i would never like do you do that to me no jared you just said no occasionally i've caught the two of you exchanging looks

it's not bullshit that is bullshit tina you need to put your hands up and just own this oh my god i will not you're the one this parent he looks to you the whole time no no i've seen both of you that is not true that is just not true and i will not believe that well then he's looking to you to exchange though because he definitely does that with me. He does it with you and you give it to him. I do not. You do. I do not.

You do. No, 100%. You do. I think that there's got to be moments in every household where your kid attempts to divide and conquer. Of course, but I would never allow that. And any time he's tried i know the truth now i really feel for this woman i would never anytime he's ever tried to complain

about you or say something i have shut it down and said absolutely not we do that every time so you've entertained it that's a lovely jar well done great parenting no no no look as at best i can oh my god okay can you just stop now i feel like the queen and the crown when diana comes here and she's like no i have always defended you i have fucking always defended you the queen was talking shite then well i'm not you don't we don't know the crown is. Like, it's all made up. It pretty much is. Look, this woman feels isolated, and that's not a nice place. That's not good. Do you believe her when she's saying, I feel like I'm being gaslighted in my house?

Is it possible that her situation is your situation? That you think I'm doing it when I'm not? No, no, no, no, Gerard. You are gaslighting me right now. You're the one who said every parent has a moment when they do not. No, no, no, no, Gerard. You are gaslighting me right now. You're the one who said every parent has a moment when they do this. Or they exchange a look. And I said, not me.

You don't, you've never, not once, have you exchanged a look when I've been completely unreasonable. No, I will say to Mikey, Daddy is being completely unreasonable. Okay, well, that's worse. Yeah, but I'm never slagging you off. I'm just being like,

this guy is being cool. You don't call it slagging off, right? Okay. Tina, you're doing exactly what I'm saying. You're doing exactly what I'm saying. You're just not calling it what I'm calling it. No, because I'm just being honest. Let's get to the start of this.

But I'm not slagging you off. Her situation is she feels this is going on behind her back. Yeah. she feels this is going on behind her back yeah but her other situation is that there's no denying that she can't be gaslit on is that she is the bad cop and he's always the good cop going oh you can have some like i understand that we can't read out every paragraph of the email because some of it's so personal but this is a situation that a lot of parents find themselves in where one person has to be the baddie like who was that who was that in your family growing up or can you say that was your mom the harder cop or was your dad the tough guy or were they pretty united i think they're pretty united that way definitely was my dad was

the easy cop you know definitely yeah but i don't like that like i never even thought about that growing up i really don't like the idea of bad cop good cop and a lot of the time i feel like i'm having to do the parenting while you're having the fun with our child and if that's how that woman i'm working on it yeah i know i know you are and i'm really grateful for that but if that's how that woman is feeling, I get it. It's not a nice feeling. And if she's always the one having to lay down the law, like I pulled you on it and you have stepped up and you have said, OK, today I'm going to watch it. I'm going to be the one to say.

And so her situation is that she's tried to pull him on it. I don't know if she knows what to say. And I feel like that's where we can help her today or if her husband is as afraid of her as i am of you i mean i always think a healthy marriage needs a degree of yeah she's gonna put my dick in a hair straightener while i'm asleep at night if i don't sort this out no i, I would never do that. Just two cinder blocks. Charlotte knows that I'm terrible. I don't have like a filthy mind or anything.

But if you tell me a penis is about to get hurt, I will cackle. She finds it hilarious. I will laugh so hard. Like I remember. Unless it's a kid. Doing. Yeah. Like I don't know what it is.

Pina likes penis threats and that's always where she goes to tie your mickey to the spokes of a bike and start cycling it I've never said that look we're not

helping here at all this lady no we are we're not Tina this is the situation that we can best help with because

the situation we were in we're still in there and yeah and we're still working through it but but what i was taking it on board when you said it because i recognized that it put you in a position where there's no fontina yeah there was a wedge being driven. I didn't think that. Where he was starting to go, well, it's you and me against her. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. He'd be like, he'd slag me off in a jokey way and he'd join it. And I didn't like that at all. Yeah, he's still kind of doing that.

Let's be honest. Look, what I realized was that I also had to take a bit of the power back. Like, sometimes you assume these positions because the other parent has taken the other place. But, like, that's not fair. Why do you get to be the fun one all the time? So in times where I would have stepped in and helped, I stopped doing that. I said, deal with it. That's really powerful.

Because that was backfiring on me. Because you were wading in over the top helping you care of things when I needed to be the one to go you were quite happy for me you were you were and she may be doing this too which is wrestling the dirty work yeah from the good cop yeah I'm going let me take care of this yeah let him let him have to deal with it yeah how do you do that if say dad isn't home as often as mom because some of these situations are driven by oh i just dad isn't here that much i just don't want their time together as brief as it is to be in any way negative well that's not real you don't want to get into that whole thing where sometimes happens with parents where they're like well that's you that's your time with him well that's your yeah that's your area and stuff like that what i would say to her is that you know if you're on your own with your kid and you have time with your kid try

in those times not to be so strict try and you know puncture the day with fun moments and hugs and affection but make clear that there are rules and boundaries in your house and that if you do something there's a consequence but you always have time for the warning so it's fair you are a fair person you gave them a warning and they still decided tina's big on these warnings when dad comes home like you don't have to be like i'll show him or anything like that but you're not being mean to dad he is choosing how to interact with his child if that results in some kind of chaos let him deal with the chaos you have done it all day yeah so you think that she's actually coming in and when it all goes off the rails i'd imagine she is if he's if she feels like he's not ever

gonna do that right and if he doesn't do it that's on him too but here's the other thing that i think you did in our situation of this you kind of went right well if i'm not gonna wrestle every uh consequential conversation from the fun bobby of the the parenting situation you're also going to as you said as you just said make sure that daddy or whoever the fun parent is

isn't the only person who does fun shit exactly like you cannot have a monopoly on the good stuff exactly which really tends to happen. Yeah, it does. It's like you guys go off and do your thing.

Where is your crack in this? Yeah. And also, I think when daddy has a few struggles with the kids' behavior and you're not saving the day or the partner whoever they'll come to you and ask you what do you do and then that's a great opportunity for you to come together and be like it is hard don't use that opportunity to be like see i told you but that is yeah that's easier said than done but that's a great time to come together make some rules feel like you're in it together again you know not such a hero now oh come to me when it's difficult but you know equally you might need some help in how to generate fun yeah and also you need the dad to be like tell your kid mom so it's a fun i love your

mother she's so fun i'm always saying these things let your kid hear's loads of fun. I love your mother. She's so fun. I'm always saying these things. Let your kid hear you complimenting the other parent. You are forever complimenting me too, Mikey. And I realized I wasn't doing it as much as I should. Yeah, I stamped my foot a bit about that. Yeah, that like, it sounds crazy, but you do need to spoon feed it to your kids. You know where your mom is right now?

Yeah. She's preparing our dinner. No, not really like that, Jared. Well, no, no, no. I think it does. Sometimes it's helping them reflect. Yeah. What is she doing in there?

I don't know what she's doing in the kitchen the whole time. Yeah, sometimes you're in the kitchen. You have to say, you know, your mother's really cool. Yeah, that's true. You're their guide. Whoever you want them to like, if you've got a new babysitter coming into your house, make sure you spend a few days before that babysitter gets here going, she's so cool.

I love that babysitter. I love that Tina did this. We'll finish on this. When Tina worked in a school in Dublin you can't keep bringing this up again she'd be the whole time telling the kids that wasn't just Dublin

that's my thing I do that all the time what you say to the kids isn't Mrs Regan the best isn't Mrs Regan the best teacher the kid would eventually say it to the parents isn't Mrs Regan so much fun I The kid would eventually say it to the parents. Isn't Mrs Regan so much fun? I learned that from Judy Myers. But you know what?

On a more serious note, just to finish this one off, I get this mom's right. You need a united front in terms of the roles. Yeah, she does. She deserves that. But she can't come to it with anger. You're both parents. Yeah.

And as tough as it might be for a parent who's not home that much whether you're the stay-at-home dad and you want the mom to be the great crack when she comes home you both have to occupy that role yeah disciplinary and you're not their pal yeah i think like first of all she thinks she's feeling not hurt right so i feel like for this mom we'll end it on this, okay? So don't interrupt me. I'm joking, I'm joking. I'm the fun part of this podcast. I'm joking. I think that, right, first of all,

she really wants her husband to talk to her and talk about this, but that might not happen yet, okay? Because he's not seeing a problem, because he's not suffering from the problem. So I really feel like if she could just pull back a little bit, obviously parent your child the way you parent while he's with you. But when your husband's around, don't intervene. Allow him to deal with it.

Don't tell him that you're doing that. Just be like, fine, if that's how you want to parent our kid, great. See how it works out for you. I'm not saving the day anymore. Hopefully he will come to you and you can have a chat about it what you're saying that's not a good idea but i think it is i think it's a great idea but i also think there's a possibility that when things go off the rails that how he's dealing with it is equally as problematic that he the kid is like no i want to eat more cake and he's like well you're not allowed well i want some and he goes okay well then we'll have some cake

yeah and you're going you want no i think it's hard it would be really tough for me to see that but if i've decided in my head that i'm just gonna allow him to deal with this i would have to just go outside for a walk or something and be like fine you deal with that so you play the long game yeah and and then what like dad's a pushover you're not that solidifies the position i don't think so because i think even after that little interaction that night, you could go. I heard you having a tough time with him there, dear. You know, sometimes it's tricky, isn't it? You know, maybe we could, you know, you could broach that conversation again.

Maybe we should come up with some rules. We could have a family meeting, sit down, talk about, you know, our rules, our consequences. I like your approach. I really do. But I think what worked for us. Yeah. Was actually you just being really clear with me this isn't fair yeah this is just not fair yeah but we did we have a very open relationship as in i can't we see anybody as in we talk about yeah yeah i can't take for granted that this woman is able to talk to her husband like I can talk to you.

Like there's literally no, there's nothing that you don't know. Like I'm not afraid to talk to you or tell you or if you're doing something wrong.

That's my favourite. I wish you were. I wish you were a bit more scared. That's my favourite thing. Well, look, we'll find out how this lady gets on with this.

Yeah, maybe that was bad advice. I mean, I am a bit tired. My leg hurts. Casey, don't already know it because I haven't already mentioned it. I am on tour at the moment with the Your Man stand-up comedy show coming to the Olympia Theatre in Dublin next week for four nights.

So excited. Absolutely sold out. Did you say next week? Yeah, when this goes out, dublin next week for four nights so excited absolutely sold out did you say next week yeah when this goes out it's next week oh my god that's terrifying we'll be in limerick on friday on saturday night that's sold out i've done drum on sunday that's sold out as well but there's loads and loads of dates through the spring where i'm coming to your town village parish hall or local theater, including Shepherds Bush Empire, the O2 Shepherds Bush Empire Big London Show on March 8th. I'm also going to add an extra show on March 7th in London.

That'll be announced this week. Loads more. Just head over to our Instagram, honeyrooneyourkid, or my own Instagram to get more. Now, the second question of today's podcast is around the christmas gift that goes wrong oh what was the christmas gift when you were a kid that you knew your parents regretted what was the noisiest oh i had a talking computer that i just sound like such a richie rich kid yeah you do like i don't know my grandfather

got me this yoke it was one of the one of those computers that is like a learning tool that plays a lot of hangman on it yeah a b c d e f g and is that what you speak the way you do the whole of christmas people had to hear the talking computer lower that thing for fuck's sake there is no volume on it a b c d you have selected b like it was an incredible device but they absolutely hated it i'm pretty sure um this parent has produced an xbox i guess my dad got us an atari and that didn't go well well we just addicted immediately yeah i mean but back in the day it was such a different addiction because you had to wait for it to load and it was at 2600 i don't

know you're asking the wrong person i could have said anything there yeah if it was a Commodore 64 oh we had that as well right oh who's the richy rich kid now in the fucking talking computer to learn maths on like we had a Commodore 64

and an Atari we all had Game Boys of course here's your question Tina dear Tina and Gerry I absolutely love the podcast and I actually missed loads of your episodes over the holidays i found myself going back and re-listening to past episodes legend i really hope you guys know how many people you are helping oh here we go we got

an xbox for the family this christmas big mistake and no joke it has made our home so unhappy my kids are so stressed out seem so obsessed with getting to play it i regret buying it so much we definitely caved to the peer pressure of all their friends having one how can i get our family back on track any help would be appreciated anonymous asking their own people also how many people are also going through that How can I get our family back on track? Any help would be appreciated. Anonymous. Asking the wrong people. Also, how many people are also going through that? Oh my God, we are too. We got our son an Oculus.

What were we thinking? I think it's working out great. Really? Yeah. Yeah, he hasn't slept right since he got it. An awful lot of these Xboxes and things that are bought were also bought by dads who know I'll get a go on that. Yeah. And I can't wait. I still I'll get a go on that. Yeah. And I can't wait.

I still haven't had a go properly on the Oculus. I'm pretty sure the only reason we have gotten our son an Oculus is because Jarlett found out that you can watch NBA games. Courtside. Yeah. And it's like you're at the game. Looking around. But the damage it's done already. Now, I was on board because I couldn't think

of anything that would blow his mind and I thought this will blow his mind and I was in that Christmas thing of I need to blow Mike Tell's mind

which is so weird that's so stupid hey you went along with it too but we did blow his mind and now his mind is falling apart in front of us

because he's going into different universes I can't even put the oculus on it's too scary Tina we're definitely in a position to help here because yeah we have the first few days were like that but now things are back on track because of your skills and expertise in child behavior yeah well like there's do not panic whatever you're going through listen to this

now whatever the toy is that you've bought or whatever situation you find yourself in where you feel like my kids can off the rails since christmas day help is here you're not the only one going through it and tina i i was amazed at how you fixed this well i think like i just wanted sorry i was like let me talk what i wanted to say was pulling faces at me right now just put my tongue into the front of that's not a nice thing to do, darling. Sometimes it's an appropriate face. I feel like parents forget all the time that like just for one second, step outside the back door or wherever and go, hang on, I'm in charge.

The kid's not in charge. I'm the boss. I'm the boss. And it doesn't feel like that all the time. No, it doesn't feel like that all the time. No, it doesn't. And once you remember that, then you can be like, okay, I say what's allowed and that's the rules. And you don't enforce them like, that's it. Everything's gone. You're being ridiculous.

What you have to say is, I love this Xbox. It's so fun. I love having it in the house. my god can you believe we have one we're so lucky obviously we can't play it all the time we're back to school now back to school is a great time to be able to like limit stuff like this back to school means we've got all our activities during the week and our homework so it's going to be a weekend thing and because i've been doing a lot of reading about brain development and that's really important because kids know they're being told it all the time at school there is going to be a two hour limit limit on this on it and i think

that's fair enough this is bullshit what's the point getting the xbox okay and you can say well we can just not play it at all can we do this as a role play can we please no please don't do that to me my leg really hurts you'll hate this

but I love it it's bullshit like two hours what's the fucking point like and you know what is amazing about these devices

is that you can link them to your phone and the timer goes on I love that because you are in control I swear to god if you pull the plug

on me when I've made two hours of progress in my game and i lose it because you and your stupid parenting rules look think of the positives of all of this you're teaching them time management you're teaching them to be conscious of time self-control yeah you're teaching them self-control and you're still the whole time giving them something incredible. They should be grateful. Like you have provided them with this. It's amazing.

They feel entitled to it. They feel entitled. You're allowed to have rules in your house. You're allowed to have consequences if those rules are broken. I do believe in always providing space for a warning before you come in with the consequence. Give your child a chance to change their mind and what they're about to do. But it is okay to have consequences and i think you know they'll be mad at you for a little while but there's a part of them that's kind of relieved because they don't like feeling out of control it's not a good feeling i was addicted to the nes people may know remember the

the nintendo entertainment system before the super Nintendo, there was the NES machine and I was fully hooked. And I did not like that feeling of being obsessed and kind of antsy about getting to go on it. You can't sleep. You can't because I was addicted to Tetris. I didn't have a nintendo switch but i had like a tetris thing and like honestly i think being fair and laying out rules and stuff is so kind to your child because you know what like i was addicted to that fair enough i was getting up during the night and i was on it and my dad came in took it and fired it out the window and that that broke my heart i love i was that's your job i think i'm

still angry about that from the house i am it went into someone else's garden gone never seen again it went out the window of the house yeah and i just think that like i deserved help or something like instead it left me very cross i was angry ripped the band-aid and also i had to like it was cold turkey like that was not healthy for me i was missing my tetris one thing i will say just as a side note in praise of the oculus over the xbox is the oculus if people don't know what an oculus is yeah it's one of those jokes where you put on like ski goggles and you're in the computer it's so's so scary. It's virtual reality. I was in Darth Vader's castle.

I was in it. I was so afraid. I was like, I gotta get out. She's literally just screaming, running around. I was terrified. She's like running into walls. Let me out, Amy. All she has to do is take off the goggles.

It was one of the best things that's happened this Christmas. But like, you can only do 15 minutes yeah yeah and like i think it kind of enforces the uh break the kid goes i can't be in here any longer no and luckily our kid like we've had you know i hate xboxes nintendo switches and all this jazz but i just don't feel like you can escape them, you know, I hate Xboxes, Nintendo Switches and all this jazz, but I just don't feel like you can escape them. Like, you know, you can't not let your child be part of the world. Don't beat yourself up about the peer pressure thing. Yeah, so like, I'm not, like, don't, yeah. What am I trying to say here?

If you don't allow your kid to have these opportunities, they are going to obsess about them and seek them out somewhere else. So what are you doing? You're providing them in your home. It is okay to have rules now we've always had rules in our house about time limits and days that you're allowed to do it mikey never fails to take the piss on holidays he has his own set of rules for that and we're like fair enough as long as he doesn't go over two hours you know we're all in our holidays what else but like it really is the only way i think it's the only way forward having really clear strict rules about it yeah and look like you say in reality we're now living with a generation that were raised with video games

yes they are part of their lives yeah grown men that game in the evenings and it's how they main in contact with their friends yeah there is a social side to it and it's inescapable in the same way as teaching them to type is going to be important like i but tina the the rule she'll be looking to you now this person who sent this email and other people in similar situations is well what's acceptable what like what is the right amount of time is that very specific to the household yes it is it's what works for your family definitely okay because we all have incredibly different schedules so of course but the application of it is what's uniform so you decide what works for your family, what days, how many hours.

And you stick to that. Never waver. The minute you do, the minute there's any wriggle room, they'll always try and seek out more time and more games. Here's a difficult question that I've often wondered in relation to our own. Is can you use that time as leverage look to get better behavior from your kid i'm adding five minutes oh no you laid the table tonight no but i do think you can use the device as leverage but just as i said no i was like this is genius no it's really not that is not genius because why should

shit they should be already doing be rewarded with a cookie no that's not good but like it's either you lose it or you have it so i do think that if they've done something terrible you can come in with a warning and say okay if you don't stop i'm so serious right now that you are going to lose any time on the xbox this friday now i'm warning you that is the consequence of this if you keep going that's perfect but that's all very well and good in a one child house but in a multi-child house where as she said she bought the xbox for the. Yeah. Is it the... Is there punishment for each of the kids? Or is it we're all part of a community here? If you guys can't get along.

But I didn't do anything wrong. This is what I'm saying. A kid going, well, I didn't do anything wrong. Why am I getting the Xbox taken away from me? I don't think the Xbox should be taken away from that kid. Why can't the other kid just busy himself doing something else? Right, so you would say yes. Yeah. that if one kid had acted the pup during the week and that's even better lived consequence not only does he not get it he has to see someone

else enjoying it that's brilliant that's brilliant you haven't had to do shit you gave them the warning you told them what was going to happen they decide to still do it they lost the xbox they're really seeing i can really see a theme emerging in today's show and that is clarity yeah clarity consequence and clarity our next question is about dildos so i don't know you need clarity with those teen and jareth i am a honey you're ruining our kid addict I tell everyone

to listen to it over Christmas anytime I saw a child misbehaving I would later ping over a link to your pod to the parents

that's a dangerous move brave move but thank you but hopefully that went well you guys are doing such invaluable work my problem is

a strange one we all know what's coming we do i just need some guidance on how to navigate it i'm sorry for laughing it's i'm never laughing at you it's just the scenario that i'm reading this email my 12 year old girl found my dildo which is obviously some form of sex toy. I'm not familiar with the terminology that people are using today. And mine, I don't know what that says there. And my naughty drawer.

Oh, she has like the man drawer. She has a drawer of fun adult stuff. Yeah stuff yeah well every mom has or woman has one of those you okay i think she just means where she puts her pants and stuff okay right she said she was looking for a pair of tights she's not 100 sure what to. And I'm not sure how to talk to her about it. I mean, my gut would be don't. Oh, no. You know I'm the opposite of you. I just never pretend it never happened and move on.

This is an opportunity. This is an opportunity for this mom. For horrendous awkwardness. No, what's awkward about that 12 year old girl i bet you're praying she never brings this up well if that's the way it is that's fine but if she has questions be ready to just answer them in honesty she's never gonna ask the questions why do you think that this mom's email is this happened how do i move forward when i know she must be thinking all sorts that's the question am i wrong well i would think that okay if this happened and the daughter is

like freaked out about it was not saying anything that's grand leave it if this happened the door's freaked out and she's asking those questions or she's so awkward that you feel like you have to broach it broach it get the questions going open it up so your this is an opportunity okay your attitude with all of this stuff even if people want to go back and listen to the episode where the kids walk in on the parents having all kinds of sex yeah um your attitude was what i'll tell you exactly what we were doing why would we ever put the shame on these things that was we were we had to grow up with there is nothing shameful about having a dildo that woman has needs and she is fulfilling

them i think people prefer the term sex toy okay you said dildo dildo is what's in the uh i wonder was it dill was a plural was it dildos was it dildi dildi oh it sounds like she's singular naughty drawer with what do you say bras and pants and stuff in it that's a nice opportunity to bring your child shopping there's nothing naughty about that drawer are you think bras and pants are all that could be in that drawer Tina you clearly don't have a naughty drawer okay like when she says the naughty drawer there could be fucking anything in there

okay but still there's no shame in everything in that drawer I'm still shamed yeah we all have to shake off our Catholic guilt but there's nothing wrong well then you tell me what does she start with how does she say she's looking for advice and now to navigate this your advice is answer any questions she has yeah ask her about it talk through it but what do

you say well first you say look i know you're in I know you're in my room and you went into the wrong drawer, a very private drawer where I keep some of my personal things. Do you want to ask me about any of them? Like, is there anything on your mind? Yeah, what was that gigantic penis-shaped thing? That is a dildo. Have you ever heard of a dildo? Yeah, I've heard of it, but I've never thought my mom would have one.

Yeah, well, you know, you don't think about these things when you're your age, but as you get older, sometimes women do buy these extra things to help them out with how they feel sometimes in the bedroom. How do they feel in the bedroom? Yeah, meeting different needs, you know. What needs? I know you're learning a lot about sexual education at school, and we're living in a very exciting time where women are allowed to help.

You're just enjoying this. What are you doing with that in your drawer? Well, sometimes I. What do you do with it? Masturbate. You know, you've learned about masturbation at school. What's wrong with you? Why are you so shy?

I just I am obviously a real prude but i am just fine the role play aspect of today's episode is fantastic i got you to say it what do you do with that thing i just like playing the role kills me i really hate that still i didn't do anything no not you still in schools when they're doing sex education and stuff. There's a whole focus on masturbation and boys and all this. Why are girls still not learning that? Yeah, you're allowed to masturbate too. Do that too.

There's no shame in it. Like, there's no shame. Well, I don't know. I've not been in that chat or in those classrooms. Is that still the way it is? Well, I feel like it is. I feel like it is. So you would actually say to her, that's what I use that yoke for.

Yeah. How do you use it? Well, if she asks that question, you just tell her. You have to be ready to go there. Why not? You would say, you're too young. You don't, you know, you're too... She is.

She's 12 years old. She's a dildo. Darling, that would be wrong. I don't know. But you're saying that they should be teaching kids, girls to masturbate the same as they talk about it with boys. Yeah, but I mean... But you're saying that they should be teaching kids girls to masturbate same as they talk about it with boys yeah but you're saying she's too young she's too young to to put to use a dildo no you see i don't i'm not sure that you're familiar with what else those yolks do but a lot of them are just for what you're describing which is just getting awkward now oh yeah no it's

it's really getting awkward because i think you know if you are going to say to her i use that thing to have fun with myself yeah you're headed down the path of you can do it as well i just think like i can i totally get i don't think you're heading down that path because you can say when you're a little bit older, this is something that will be available to you. And I think that your advice here is really solid, right? But I think that this mom needs to have a script ready. No, she doesn't though, Charlie.

We don't know how the child is approaching this. I'm telling you right now, if that kid doesn't bring it up, don't bring it up. Okay. If that kid does bring it up, just be ready to answer whatever questions come up so if the kid doesn't bring it up but it's really weird with you for the next while yeah still don't bring it up that is up to you right okay but i don't think there's anything wrong with not bringing it up but just still not being weird with your daughter or acting weird

and if it comes up in time being ready to answer it here's my suggestion i think what she needs to say to her is listen you were in my stuff don't ever go in there again no hear me out don't ever go in there again that's my stuff we have to respect each other's boundaries okay that's my stuff that's my private drawer you're not to go in there i won't go in yours if you don't go in mine do you have any questions about the stuff that you saw like you say if she says no well i just want you to know there's nothing scary in there all it is is stuff i use to have fun with your father okay and myself i don't mind that so much but i don't like the idea that you would go that's my stuff don't go near my stuff why not nah come on tina you gotta have respect for boundaries yeah but she's

gotta have a place in her room that you're not allowed in and so much 12 year old children do not get to have places in their room I disagree no she'll be reading her diary what are you talking about you disagree you're all for putting cameras in kids rooms

I'm not I am there those are there as a precautionary method no in case they ever lock themselves in there and I can't see

what's going on I agree that there's a way to say you went into a drawer that you weren't supposed to go in don't fucking go in there no come on

you're being aggressive there needs to be an open conversation here i'm not i'm not i don't think she went into a drawer that she was not meant to go into yeah but you're attaching shame to that drawer and i am telling you i'm attaching privacy no no but privacy gives way to feeling like there's something wrong with that drawer if the mom just is like not if you went into that drawer i keep some nice things in there some personal things do you have any questions about it if you ever do come to me with them i don't mind answering them if she doesn't fair enough but don't attach shame okay right so again i know i'm trying to ask all the questions that

this mom wants answered hypothetically i don't know what she exactly she wants yeah but i am aware maybe more so than you of how she is catastrophizing yeah could potentially get asked one of the questions she could get asked is can i have one of those and you can say when you are 16 or older. Absolutely. 16. I'd imagine. It's a bit of an arbitrary age. Well, that is the age, isn't it? Why can't I have one now? Well, they're just not available for your age.

You know, the research shows that there are four children or young women age this age. I'm not in charge of the rules. Those are the rules. Okay. Those are the rules. Don't mess with the rules okay that's it you can't give your 12 year old a dildo you just can't hey don't anyone do that in the trailer for this episode you can't do that so don't do that okay i don't do what donnie don't do well you know communication is the center of

today's episode and that's where we're about to head with our final part of the show over on patreon.com forward slash irishmanabroad you can come over because this is a topic that covers all age groups whether your kid has just started montessori and you're trying to find out what the hell is going on in there and they just won't tell you or whether they are a 15 year old who's recently bought their first dildo and won't tell you how it's going how do you get your kid to communicate with you okay it's a big big question and it's one we're going to cover over in the excel episode on patreon.com forward slash Irishman abroad Tina thank you so much for this yeah even though i feel like you're a little bit mad at me about this last question i'm not mad at you

i'm worried like i'm like oh god i hope i'm not giving that not at all but uh i love today's episode thank you so much you'll also look back on some of the feedback that tina's gotten on some of the previous uh questions that she's received and answered thank you guys so much uh and thanks to go loud for supporting this podcast and make sure to rate comment and subscribe to it wherever you are that's how we climb the charts and recommend it to anyone you can at drop off and we'll talk to you next week or over on patreon okay thank you guys