Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - My Kid Throws Things In My Face! The Wobbler & The Gifted Child - S3E1

Episode Date: September 9, 2024

We are back. Season 3 kicks off with a bang after a long summer break Honey! You’re Ruining Our Kid! has a bulging sack of emails from parents with all kinds behaviours they need to sort out. Get involved and email us at [e-mail] or follow us on Instagram.Question 1 Restoring Boundaries When Tantrums Break Them Down!Is your child testing your boundaries? Has your patience worn thin? You are not alone. In this week’s episode Tina tries to help a mum who is struggling with meltdowns, tantrums and risk taking. How can she bring some balance back into her home? How can she reset the boundaries and return her house to the calm she is craving? Question 2 Throwing It Back In Your Face!Children all experience different phases in terms of the interest in developing or acquiring new movement skills. Developing your child’s ability to throw something is actually a huge milestone. However what do you do when your 1 year old seems to have an innate ability to throw. Not just balls, but everything. This behaviour can quickly become out of control and sometimes dangerous. How do you go about redirecting the interest whilst still nurturing the skill? Question 3 I Think My Child Is Gifted!Navigating your child’s development can be so incredibly stressful. Worrying about them reaching all their milestones so the health-nurse can tick her/his agenda for ‘normal’ development off her chart. What do you do and where do you go if your child is showing signs of giftedness? Everyone will have advice but like everything, is it your mammy gut that should guide you in deciding how best to approach this with your child. There are always other areas that children need to develop. So if learning is coming easy, use that free time to help them grow their interests in sport, music, social and emotional areas. Finally a parent gets in touch about their 9 year old boy who is terrified of putting on weight. What can you do if a negative body image had taken hold this early in life. Tina has seen this a lot and has a few excellent strategies that might be able to help.Thank you for supporting our podcast. If you want to hear more why not head over to our Patreon to listen to the extra large episode and our archive of episodes. This week a parent gets in touch about her 7 year old who is terrified about putting on weight. What can we do if our kids already have a negative relationship with food and their body image.

It's Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, the parenting podcast from the Irish Manor Broadcast Network. We are here in the studio for the first time with cameras. Tina's here. I am here on the camera. The brains of the operation. Tina, my wife, this is Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, the parenting podcast where you get to submit your questions to us anonymously. Whatever it is that you are going through as a parent,

whatever your child is up to, you're not alone. Tina is the child behavior expert. She's worked with every type of situation, every type of child problem you can imagine. Whatever it is you're going through, she's seen it from early years right up to teens. And on this show, you sent in your emails to honeyourunierkid at gmail.com. And she comes up with a strategy to help you with that.

I mean, hopefully, hopefully help. Yeah. Yeah. And you send them in, we keep it anonymous and we hope to help you and let you and for you not to feel alone. We're going to move by the fact that there are cameras in the room, but it is extremely weird. Shout out to Ed Smith for helping us get set up.

Yeah, he was so kind just helping us right now. Yeah, no, I will get used to it. Like, obviously you don't mind being on camera at all, but I am so camera shy. Yeah. What did we say earlier? No mam left behind. Yeah, no mam left behind is the motto of this podcast. I love to that.

You submit your questions and you feel less alone. I mean, a lot of the time as parents you do think that this can't be happening to somebody else. Nobody has a kid this mental. Charlie, you're not allowed to say that. No one has a kid this disruptive. Yeah. There's this thing that we've seen it all. Kids pooing in the sink, kids refusing to poo outside of the house and kids they're not all about poo, but a lot of them are. Kids who bite, kids who won't listen, kids who won't go to bed, kids who are wetting the bed. Kids that refuse to sleep in their own bed.

There's a big one. That goes on a long time as we both know. Well, we have three questions on each episode and then a bonus chunk for our members over on patreon.com forward slash Irishmanabroad. You can access all the previous episodes, all of Tina's advice and all the different cases that might get mentioned throughout the show. But one thing's for sure, if you send an email

to honeyyourinyourkid at gmail.com, your name will never be revealed. So you are, you're safe here. Send, your name will never be revealed. So you are you're safe here. Send your emails in and Tina will get back to you no matter whether you appear on the show or not. We'd love you to appear on the show. Oh, yeah. Like we get we got a lot of emails over the summer. Most of them were please do not read this out. Don't make me famous on the podcast.

We also have a new section of the show, which is our recommended product of the week. Oh yeah, that's in my bag. Now, this product this week, you're gonna want to see this because it deals with one particular problem that every single parent, male and female, have. It's like you need two sets of hands a lot of the time. Well, that's what this product will help you with. You'll need that recommendation

That's later in the show. Let's get to it. That's the first questions for season We're back three season three episode one honey. You're in your kid. We are back Okay, first email are in Tina, okay Highteen and Jack garliclet. I need some help. My 2.5 year old is really testing the boundaries these days and I could do with some tips. We had another baby in August 2023 and ever since his birth, my eldest son's behavior started to change. I linked it to the birth of his brother, which was obviously hard for him at the time. However, we are a year in now and I thought things may be, may have

started to settle down a little bit. He will start to become quite destructive and engage in risky behaviors. When I'm busy with the baby, I mean, this must be a common one, Tina. Yeah, but you know know I just love kids. I'm going to make you pay attention to me. Watch me walk along the top of this cupboard. I love it because they're just being there, you know, the cuteness of their boldness. I don't know. I love it so much.

I'm sure that it's adorable from the outside, but on the inside, this is terrifying. No. She's saying he's climbing on furniture where he knows there is a fall risk. It's very obvious from the glint in his eye, he knows this and has worked at it that this is the best way of getting what he wants. This is also what happens when he wants screen time

and I have to admit, here we go. Season three, straight into the screen time. Don't be ashamed if you put your kid on a screen. Nobody's going to judge you for it. We're going to talk about this a lot. This is the toughest one for me, though. This is the one where I really have to say you do not judge people for screen time, Tina, because everyone's just trying to survive.

But I do feel we screen time is really tough. But we're in the Wild West now. These screens are part of our lives and we have to figure out the best way of handling them and not letting them run the house. Yeah. So she says that she has used screen time. I have to admit, she's said I've been relying on the screen too often and he's very high energy and needy and sometimes it's the only way to get things done.

And we have all been there. Of late, we have been having some big meltdowns. If I say no to the screen or switch it off at times, this is not the kind of setup I ever wanted in my house. I know. We've all been there. How is this my life as a parent? She has a one year old.

She's juggling a toddler as well. That's very tough. I try my best not to give in and persist. But my God, is that child determined and strong willed and dealing with the tantrum is all consuming. Again, not allowing me to do anything and get anything done. I feel like in such, we live in a pressure cooker from day to day.

I'd love some tips on how to improve his behavior and rely less on the screen. Thank you so much. Love the podcast. Oh, Tina, what a great episode to kick off the season because it captures so much that everyone is going through. Yeah. She's asking this on behalf of all the parents that are feeling under the thumb of a kid who's kind of ready to lose it at any moment. I know. And it's really tough because once the screens have been introduced, there's no

going back. That screen is now something that kid is going to want all the time. And I think there's like four main areas of this question. First, the main one is the screen. So let's deal with that first. Unfortunately, this is something she has had to begin using with her kid. It worked. It kept him busy. She got other things done. I mean, that is the main joy of these screens is that we get a little bit of time. And I don't think moms or dads should feel bad about that because the telly is the same thing.

Find a cartoon they like, let them watch it, have your cup of tea. Yeah. We all had that. Yeah. It's important. You need some time where you feel like a grownup again. 100%. But like when it gets out of hand, that's when it's tough when they're

craving it because they get addicted to it so fast. So what can she do? Well, first of all, now she has a really useful tool in her life. Yeah, to leverage. To leverage, yeah. What was the word I used earlier? Tina said weaponize. I think when I replied to this one, I was like, you can weaponize that laptop.

You can weaponize the screen time. I said leverage. That's a little bit harsh, that word. Yeah, but you do have something. But she can use this now to her advantage. Okay, so we want to restore some calm back into this child's life, right? And also, it's really important in case I forget to say it, that you can't just say no to screens now that they're in your life and you can't just turn it off.

Whatever you're doing with your children, it'll help your home so much if you just come in with a warning. I know I'm forever saying that, but if you want them to get off the screen, you say, I'm giving you a warning in two minutes, the screen is going off. That's going to change your life. But coming in and just taking it away, that's going to produce a mental thing. If you don't want tantrums. If you don't want tantrums, start giving your children warnings for everything. You know, the other thing that this does is that it allows them to know.

The concept of time. Yeah, and if and if if you feel like that's too big for them, get an egg timer and just say, OK, I'm putting the egg timer on right now when all the sand has gone to the other side, that means it's time up and the screen goes off. And the next challenge is stopping them from turning the egg. the other side, that means it's time up and the screen goes off. And the next challenge is stopping them from turning the egg top themselves. Well, that is true, Jarla, but hopefully they won't get there too fast.

And by the time they do, maybe they'll know how to do the clock. So a warning first. Yeah, actually, I was in one of my friend's house the other night and it was very funny because she had this beautiful clock on the wall. And I was like, oh my God, I love your clock. And she was like, yeah, it's for telling the time. And I said, yeah, that's generally what clocks are for. But she was like, no, no, no, take a closer look.

It's got all these five seconds so that when I say it, they can see it and see what that means. And I was like, OK, but I take egg timers better. But the clock was still beautiful. Yeah, it might be the product of the week next week. Yeah, yeah, who knows, who knows. But with the screen thing now, she actually can make that work in her favor so much. First of all, the child's going to feel so out of control if they think they can just demand the screen whenever they want. That's not good for any kid.

They need structure. They need to know what's coming next. They need to know when they're allowed, how much they're allowed. So I would think that she can work that into her day. We all have always used visual timetables. I'm very lucky, Jarla can draw, I can't. When our child was small and for a lot of his friends, we used to make these visual charts for whatever the child was needing it for at the time.

Now she could make a very simple visual chart of his day. And during that time, screen time could go up on it, a picture of the screen. And then afterwards, dinner, story, bed, or whatever it is. And he then can have a visual idea of when screen time is coming and how long it's for. Okay. Now she could do it that way, or she could use it as a reward. Which I'm not really into, but if she needs to, I mean, we're all just trying to survive our kids out there.

She could like, if you do this and this, then you get screen time and it's for this amount of time. And if you do it for only this amount of time, I'll be able to give it back to you for this tomorrow. So people listening to this are going to be rubbing their faces going, okay, if we could get to that point where I could even suggest the idea that the time is limited, that'd be great. Yeah. But in any kind of change like this that you're wanting to bring in on something that's so important,

Yeah. how much does the parent have to be like, and we're going to have to endure the teething problems and the tough times of, whoa, this is not the way it was. I mean, previously I could just demand the phone and if I was dangerous enough I got the phone. So what do you say to them when they're like, but the tantrums that are

going to come with this change could be cataclysmic? Well, yeah, you're right. That could happen. But it's all about how we lead it. So you've got two options here. For me, I would just be like, I would say, okay, from now on, this is how it works in this house. We are going to have a time in the day when you get to go on your screen, if you've behaved, this will be what your reward. And that is your time. And you make it just sound so special.

This is your special time that you've earned for yourself and you get to be on your screen and just enjoy your time and then when this amount of time is over your screen is gone. Or you can do the more gentle approach where you say, look I got it all wrong with the screens and it hasn't been helping you and And it's been making our house, you know, a little bit trickier because you get very upset when mommy takes the screen away. And so now to try and help you and help me and help make our house happier, we are going to change the way we do that. And this is how we're going to go forward doing this from now. So some of this is the screen, right?

And some of it is fear of the tantrum. Well, that a kid has this mom who will remain anonymous under the thumb like so many people where they're afraid of it, particularly in public. Oh yeah. That like, oh God, just give them the phone, they're over in the restaurant in case he kicks off. And your child will always know that. They know. They know. They smart.

You spot those kids everywhere that, no, my mom won't give out to me in public. She's actually too embarrassed. They sense it, they know it, and they will weaponize it. I have to stop using that word. Well, that's definitely weaponization, right? They will use it completely against you. First of all, I really wish parents weren't so embarrassed about their children having tantrums. I mean, kids are going through a lot of stuff.

At times they're going to be unreasonable. They're not able to manage their emotions as well as we can. No grownups can't really manage their emotions that well. Don't be embarrassed. And if someone is looking at you, just, you know, try and shrug it off. It's like the male gaze, though, isn't it? Yeah, it's easier said than done. The other parental gaze.

Oh, having trouble with them. And also she's got a one year old. She's trying to manage the other baby. So like, she's just trying to keep the house easy and she doesn't really have the time to deal with a meltdown. That's why she's trying to avoid it in the first place. But. time to deal with a meltdown. That's why she's trying to avoid it in the first place.

But I don't see her having as many meltdowns if she's able to bring this in. And like I always say, when your child is having a meltdown, as long as they're safe and they're not, no harm can come to them as much as you can, just try and ignore it. So one of the things that I read around screen time this summer, and Teenage is great. Even though this set is so weird. I'm always so stressed out doing this podcast because I feel like there's a massive weight on my shoulders. There is.

But with the cameras on, I'm like, I don't like it. The cameras and all that is really, like, usually we record this in our little kind of garage office. Yeah. And I don't know how well this is going to work. I don't know either. I like the idea of getting out of bed on a Monday morning and recording the show in the room next to our house. Yeah. And figuring it out then trying to have it up for you guys by nine thirty after drop off. Yeah.

But you know, that's all by the by the, the preparation for this season of honey, you're in your kid has been going on all summer, so it's just been living life and some of it has genuinely been things that we've been reading, trying to be prepared for what you're going to come at us with this year around screen time, we both knew there was going to be a lot of questions this year. Now I don't have the qualifications, the third level stuff that you did in the Montessori method and the, you know, the behavioral things that you've seen. But I do have an immense capacity to read

crappy little articles on websites around this stuff. And one of them said that. The if the meltdown is always going to happen, the moment the screen goes off, because the dopamine has been cut off, you've literally you've turned off the tap that was satiating them. So the trick is to never go off the screen and flow. Yes, that is always go to the screen and flow. Yes, that is- Always go to something else and have another activity ready to go.

Yeah, but that's kind of like, that's kind of distraction. And I always say with a meltdown, if you can see it, if you can sense it, if you can smell it about to happen, get in there and distract. But if the meltdown happens, if you're in it, and what I was saying was, as long as they're safe

and there's no harm can come to them, just try and ignore it until it's done. And when they're calm, you'll reach them again to be able to talk to them. Or when they're calm, distract them and come back to it later. But don't get into it with them in the meltdown. That's not going to work. you were saying also you're in charge.

Now I say that you're the boss. Yeah, you're the boss. But I say that, and I know how hard it is to feel like you are in charge because you don't want to hurt your, you don't want to hurt your child's feelings. You don't want to cause them distress, but it's so important for your child to know she means business. Mommy gave me my warning. She's not going to relent. And it gets messy and tantrums happen when if you go, OK, in two minutes, screen time's up.

And then two minutes passes and they go, can I please have one more minute? And you go, OK, then you're going to have a tantrum because what you've shown them is you aren't quite clear and you might change your mind. You got to stick to what you say. So one of the things that I've watched you do when, you know, people are like, people will say Tina's like a child whisperer is what they've said. I've heard them say that, right? You'll never admit to that.

But they'll have a kid that is, you know, hopping off the walls or tearing paint off the walls and just these never ending tantrums or whatever it is. I always observe with you the tone of your voice. Yeah. And, you know, I'm not sure we've ever talked about this on the podcast. We have talked about game show host. Yeah.

Yeah. Where you're like, where are we going to go next? And nobody does children's entertainer voice better than you. Oh, well, the amount of times I've done. Well, like if I had told a child in my class they were getting collected early which I did so many times and then I'd have to go full there's no sign of their parent so I'm looking at the kid who's ready to go home and I'm like Jack it on I'm like it's your lucky day you get to stay with me for longer

cool is this you get to clean up the classroom with me while I keep peeking out the window to check when your mom is coming. Yeah, no, but that's that. No, this is this is different. This is when I've told them they're getting they're going early and they're not. Oh, you got it wrong. I got it wrong. They're staying.

Yeah. But yeah, but the point I'm trying to make is the tone shift. And sometimes you see parents talking to their kids like they're grownups. Yes, they get into it, meet them on their level. You're having an argument with them like you're having an argument with a taxi driver. Sometimes I feel it myself,

that maybe you've got a kid who's a 13 year old, maybe your kid is in their teens, and you're forgetting that you've got a kid who's a 13 year old, maybe your kid is in their teens and you're forgetting that, like you're in your 40s, you're in your late 30s, whatever it is. You know, you have to have a tone that is representative of who you are and what you're meant to be to them. Yeah. And it needs to be caring.

There needs to be caring. There needs to be empathy there. Like we talk about it all the time. The de-escalation script works every single time when a child is in distress or in a tantrum. We used it all the time in my old school. I use it all the time as a parent and I always try and help people use it. It is. Remind people of this because if you you listen to the show in seasons one and two, you'll know de-escalation script is a method of getting your kid to climb down. Yes.

And there's five simple things you say. First, you just say their name. Let them know you're there with them. You're here. Say their name. Their name is always calming. I don't know why your name. I feel like you do this to me when I am sky high.

Jarlath. Jarlath. Yeah. And I hear my voice and immediately I'm like what? All you have to say is I can see something has happened. And then they feel like they feel visible. And then then the third thing you say is I'm here to help. Okay. And then the third thing you say is, I'm here to help. Okay? And then fourth thing, you talk, I will listen.

And then the minute they start talking, that's where we go to distract. Come on, come with me, let's go do something and just let them talk, let them open up, but bring them somewhere else that isn't the place they were when they were having them. It's so simple. I feel like the guard, guard need to use this. If American police had their hands on the de-escalation script, how much crime would we be seeing? We were at Coldplay last week and the amount of guard we saw getting up, a very

rough time. Yeah. And they were like, Sean, Sean, I see you having a problem. I am here to help. He's after Salem. Sorry for doing that. Oh, God, he's after like taking my drinks. Right.

And the guard can say, well, come on over here. There is some extra wristbands for the light shows that's happening. I love extra wristbands. Yeah. And on we go. On we go. So if your kid is climbing on the furniture, which is what this woman has described in this email, and what did you say to her around the dangerous behavior? Because here's the thing, if you don't get on top of that and we know firsthand kids that have done this absolutely slap themselves off something

needed stitches or worse. Yeah, crease themselves. Well, two important things. One, we always need to remember that telling your child please don't do that because it's my job to keep you safe and this is not safe what you're doing, is really effective. Children love to think that you are here to keep them safe and that they are safe in your presence, okay? Explaining to them that there are certain things we can climb on and certain things we can't. But the most important thing in this whole thing is remembering that this child at this age has a need to climb. They're exploring their movement. So give them opportunities to climb that are safe.

Say, hey, I see that you really enjoy climbing, but that we can't climb on this. This is dangerous. Let's find somewhere safe where you can have fun climbing, because they actually will seek it out no matter what you do because right in that moment they just need to climb they need to practice this movement they want to perfect it and who knows maybe you'll have a really athletic kid on your hands with the first Olympic climber. We go to say no to everything but if we just go okay this is dangerous what they're doing but can I provide them with opportunities during the day where they can safely explore this movement they're into?

Final question, Tina, is there jealousy involved? Is there jealousy involved? Wasn't the mummy lovely to be so, you know, understanding of, well, there is a baby. There's a new cuter version of you in the house. Also, I think it speaks to the fact that she also loved their precious time together and she's having a little bit of difficulty sharing the time. So she feels really understand because she's like...

And she prefers this baby. No, but like, I know I've said this before, but I don't think there's any harm in those moments of saying to the kid, you know, I miss it being just me and you sometimes too. Why not? She probably does, just be honest. You can say that. You're not saying, I don't like having a new baby, but you can say, it is a big change having the baby, isn't it? I'm so happy we can get to do this together. You're helping mommy so much and honest to God, a three and a half year old to four year old

should be involved in helping mommy mind the baby. There's so many different jobs you can do. Go get the nappy, help me make the bottle, make him feel involved. Why don't you feed your baby brother, make him feel like he is such an enormous help to you. It'll make him feel so proud. He'll feel so in it. It is so good to be back.

Honey, you're in your kid back on the airwaves. Tina's knocking it out of the park. I don't know. I I'm a little bit nervous at the cameras. I know that people listening to this on their pods. They don't care. They don't care. They don't care. Yeah. They like the reels. Hopefully.

We were around our nieces, our nephews. My god, magic children. The cuteness that you see. Like when your kids are now teenagers and you get to be around other people's toddlers. So what you're not saying there is when your kids are now teenagers and they don't want to be around you. They don't want to be around you anymore. And now your only opportunity to experience child cuteness

is through your nieces and nephews. I mean. Well, we've got some of the cutest nieces. They were amazing and so lovely to be around. It's so full of the crack. And you know what was, well, you're asking me my favorite moment. You know, you're raising these human beings

and you're worried the whole time. God, is this who they are? Is this guy going to be a good person? Am I raising a gobshite? The whole shebang. You're so worried the whole time. Genuine question everybody asks. Yeah. And me nearly a lot, but seeing our child with his cousins who are so small and being really kind to them made

me feel like, oh, he's a good person. It's going to be OK. Even if he did just shout at you earlier. You know, teenagers is a whole new ball game, but he was very sweet. And you know, I did feel sad at moments because I realized he would have been a great big brother and that wasn't something I was able to do for him. But to see him find, like he's not a kid lover. No, he doesn't understand why I find babies so cute.

Very few boys. Yeah. But his little four year old cousin, he thinks the sun shines out of her. He's like, she is the cutest. Yeah. And that was lovely. And that was great to see. Yeah, because all he talks about is tanks and guns. So it was really nice.

And dogs. And dogs. Dogs. He doesn't think tanks are cuter than babies. He just thinks dogs are. Yeah, he loves dogs. And don't wheel. Question number two. Hi Tina and Jar. Irish mum living in California. I love the podcast.

You previously gave us some game changing advice on how to help our daughter stay calm when changing her nappy. My lovely and feisty 22 month old has started throwing things. I love this kid and I love this mom. She's amazing. She is not supposed to throw certain toys, food, milk, etc. At first, it was just when she got frustrated with something. For example, if she couldn't stack her Duplo bricks, which is immensely frustrating.

I mean, we can all agree on that. She'd throw them in frustration, flip them up in the air. Then what happens was we try and calm her down. We would say, we only throw balls, not our toys, and praise her for holding her toy and throwing a ball. Or if we notice she's about to throw something, we hold the toy or put it down gently and we don't throw toys. That's what they say.

It just all sounds so bloody cute. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And this mom is doing such a good job. Also, it's so like the cops. Okay. Drop, drop it.

We don't do this. That's not what we do. It's so cool. Cool it down. Come on Hans, give me the gun. Now she sometimes throws things without warning. Seemingly, without much reason. I mean, this mom, the way she's writing the emails, amazing.

Anybody who's about to have a baby who listens to this podcast, can be like, oh my God, what are we getting into? For example, she'll be drinking her cup of milk and then wham. Sorry for laughing. Throws it to the floor with a giggle. We think because she knows. How many emails have this part of it? He knows well. We can tell by the delinquent as well.

This, she knows well that this kind of thing is she's not supposed to do. This second kind of throwing is really hard to anticipate and get in the middle of and we're not sure how best to deal with it. We try to give it as little reaction as possible when it happens and involve her in wiping it up and putting the cup and the toy back to where it should be.

And when she's doing a good job of drinking or eating or playing, praise her and reinforce the good behavior. I mean, this is textbook stuff. So that when we do react to the throwing, it doesn't feel as good as the praise. Like this. Yeah. I mean, this is literally the answer you were about to give. Yeah, it made it very hard actually to get back to this mother because every time I...

Read further. Yeah, I was like, well... That's what I was gonna say. Yeah, now I don't know what to say. It's really not working. And we could really use some advice. I spoke with her daycare and they said, she's not doing it there.

So, but that is brilliant. But again, yeah, but it's so good because she knows somewhere not to do. She does know, mom's on to her if she knows not to do. Yeah. Uh, but it also means it's something to do with being at home with us. Yeah. It also means she feels safe. Sometimes when kids act out, it means they feel safe.

Yeah, it means that she can have more fun. Yeah, she's having more fun. She's letting loose. Thanks again for the wonderful gift of a podcast. Oh, that's very nice. God. Now everyone can feel free to enjoy. The dynamic between the pair of the dynamic between the pair of us. I have to say, I miss not sitting closer to you. No, this sucks.

Just to be clear, you guys are getting a great podcast this week, but this distance and the cameras and the kind of live at three lights that we're enjoying right now, not to slag off, go loud. Lovely studio. It is fantastic. But this ain't for me. And we'll be figuring out how to do the home studio. Yeah.

From next week on with. I'm realizing that a lot of the times I slap you. You do. There's quite a bit of punching. They're slapping. Because I keep going to slap the mic and I'm like, oh, it's not the same. It's not the same.

Not the same. This mom is all over it. I mean, but this mom has emailed a few times and she takes the advice and she actually does it, which is the hardest thing. I always say, I'm an early years teacher and I always say the hardest part of any teacher's job, no offense to old parents listening, are you guys. You parents are harder than any tricky child they'll have in their class because sometimes you don't want to hear the answers and when help is given you don't want to put it into practice because you're afraid and you also don't want to believe that that could fix it. It couldn't be that easy to fix it and that's not really my child.

It's just hard. It's just really hard to deal with parents sometimes so that's why I always have a little bit of when I'm getting back to parents because I'm like, I hope they take this well. This mother always takes it well and she puts it into practice and then it works and it helps her feel more confident to go the next time. Now, this is a hard question because she has done most of the things I would say to do, the only other things that I can offer her are one reassurance that she's done such a good job, she's made the same mistake I did, where she's armed her

child with the ability to negotiate herself out of all situations. Like I had Mikey in a place where we were able, we had talked about feelings so much. He was so able to express himself that sometimes when I'd be trying to talk to him, he would convince me that I was in fact wrong and he was right. You are making me feel a certain way. Yeah. You feel like you're in a, I don't know, some kind of Rubik's cube of emotion then or something. It's a chess match. He knows more moves than you.

And you have to bow out and say, fair enough, you got me this time. This little girl has figured out a lot of stuff, right? And I'd imagine she's even enjoying the process of cleaning up, you know, the whole. One on one time, mom. Very similar to question number one. A little bit. In that I would imagine you're going to say, let's start throwing things where we should throw things.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. I mean, she also, like you say, is in this moment of movement where she wants to throw. She's experimenting with throwing things. Now I would actually come to that with loads of excitement and interest and I'd be like, I've noticed you have a talent for trowing. Let's go find activities that we can do where you can practice this really cool skill. And I mean, I'm talking basketball. 22 months old, right? Yeah.

She still bounce a ball. Yeah. But like, well, she's in California, so baseball. Baseball. Baseball. Baseball. Seems like the perfect one. You can get miniature versions of all these things. And I'd imagine that that's where the praise is going to really kick in.

It's like that. Like we prefer to see you hit the target with that ball over here. Yeah. But also she'll get incredible feedback from doing that herself. Like she will have a sense of achievement. I would also think maybe if she could get together like a basket or a box that she fills with things that you are allowed to throw and then just helping the child know that I know you love throwing things.

So when you feel the need to throw, go get your box and go for your life. But you can't be throwing cups because it makes a big mess. It can be dangerous. Someone might slip on the milk, you know, things like this. Just being very reasonable with her about what is okay to throw, what is not okay to throw, letting her know mommy's excited that you like throwing things, but we have to be careful and know, well, is this something I can throw? And I mean, that's very cute, those kind of conversations with your kid where you can just,

when you see them going to do it, you can say, oh, hang on a second, is we should throw? And then they'll be like, is this something we should throw? And then, you know, you hope so. Right. Yeah. It's all about how you lead it. But if you're just very definite in your language, you know. So this is this approach. Would work for other stuff.

My two questions are, yeah, how long do you expect they'll have to persevere with this? Like if you're a parent who's going, this is us, this is us. Sean keeps lamping things at us from across the room. Yeah. We listen to the bad guys and we try to do what you say. How long should you give it? Like, realistically, when should you start expecting to see results well you'll see the biggest results determined on your own. Behavior you have to take note of how do you react to the truth.

Because if you've laughed of course they're gonna keep trying if you've given it to them of course they're gonna keep trying. out to them, of course they're going to keep throwing. But if you've managed to ignore the throwing, come back to them later and explain to them what we're allowed to throw, what we're not allowed to throw. I mean, this mother, everything she said in this email is completely right. Her child has thrown something. Now there's milk on the floor. She has got her to help her clean it up, finish it, do the process of getting it all fixed.

And then come back to letting her know what you're allowed to do and what you're not allowed to do. Anytime your child is doing something they shouldn't do, most of the time it's because they're craving your attention. So you have to be very careful about how you're giving that. So like that can be negative, positive, they don't care. They just want your eye contact. They want you. They want your attention.

So save the eye contact and everything for when you're praising them or when you just catch them doing something lovely. But if you catch them in a moment where they're throwing something they shouldn't be throwing, just try your best. Unless it's not safe, unless it's not possible. Just ignore it. Come around it in a way of, I guess, giving them, just even, you know, just give them the piece of kitchen towel paper, walk them over by the hand, do it all in silence. When it's all finished, distract them. And once you're distracted, then you can talk about it again.

Try not to attach the attention to what they did. Wow. Well, I hope this helps. I hope this helps. I also think. Because like that's, that's, that's concrete advice that people can apply to. I'd imagine the kid punching. Oh yeah.

But like, you know, let's get a punch back. Yeah. Well, yeah. You're clearly a good boxer. The positive approach can be hard for parents to take on because it sounds so ridiculous, but positive is always going to feed your child's needs better than a negative reaction, and obviously punching is different. That's don't you're hurting someone, but there are still ways around that.

Now, I am so sorry. Our child is just. Absolutely. That's a text that has to be checked. And while you're doing that, I'll remind people that the email address is honey, you're ruining our kid at gmail.com and the place to hear extended cuts of all of our episodes is on patreon.com forward slash Irishman abroad for the price of a pint each

month you'll get extended episodes of this podcast Irishman in America and Irishman running abroad with Sonia O'Sullivan come on over this week and sign up and we'll go we'll be back in a minute with our product of the week. Honey you're ruining our kids the parenting podcast from an Irish man abroad it's all about helping you with this challenge of raising kids I am a stand up comedian and Tina is a child development expert with more than twenty years of experience in the business. There's absolutely zero judgment here and everyone does it their own way. At the end of the day you have to do what suits your family and I'm just here to try and help them. You've got to come down to their level and give them a chance. You've got to give them a warning and say that is not okay what you do.

Here's what's going to happen here. It sounds a lot like our relationship. Ha ha. If you're gonna have to say to your child, I can't trust you to be independent and vote for your running around. So until you start, until I know that you are now not using the sink anymore, I have to come with you. Her son is obsessed with his willy. He will not talk.

Stop talking about his willy. Asking questions about his willy. Touching his willy. Going with his willy, asking questions about his willy, touching his willy, showing his willy. What does she do? It is one of the hardest questions we've had, because let's be honest, when does that stop purpley? Product of the week this week is the Shox Open Fit Air. Now, these bad boys are the aren't just any old Bluetooth headphones. These are bone conduction headphones that were provided to me by the good people

at Shocks. Shout out to Steve Daly for sorting that out. I love Steve Daly. Steve Daly, absolute legend who got me through the London Marathon. No question about it. I wouldn't have finished that marathon without the guy. He's an angel. And so bone conduction, you're like, what marathon without the guy. He's an angel. So bone conduction, you're like, what the hell, how's that going to work? Runners will know what this is.

The headphones don't go in your ears, they slit right here. So they actually play the music into your skull. I don't like the sound of this. Doesn't sound like fun. You said they're good. But as soon as you hear the sound quality from these, you'll wonder why are we putting headphones in our ears in the first place? The Shocks Open Fit Air are my product and Tina and I are product of the week because for any parent who is attempting to do multiple things around the house,

who may need to answer their phone and while keeping an ear out for the kids in the other room. These are the headphones to have. They allow you to turn up and down the volume on whatever podcast you're listening to. We know what your favorite podcast is. But having that ability to just have something in your hand and be able to turn an answer, turn up and down the volume, smooth tracks and also just enjoy this sound quality while still having your ears available and make these shots open for the air. This is just a recommendation, Jarl, it's not getting paid or anything for this. No, there's no money involved. There's no, this is a genuine recommendation.

I haven't been paid for the endorsement. I just think these are an amazing thing that once you have in your life you'll always have one on the go in one ear just to keep going also the charge life on these Okay Charlie we gotta move on Battery life is bananas There you go, that's the product of the week

is the OpenFit Air from Shanks Love it Question number three coming in hot. In maybe the most pressurized episode of Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid ever. I know. It feels like we're at the Olympus. I feel like I'm sweating. Hello Jarlath and Tina. Hope you had a wonderful summer. Missed listening to you guys. I'm hoping you can offer some advice on an area I'm not familiar with. I have two beautiful boys, four and a half and one year old. Our eldest is about to start school.

Start back at school. Woohoo. I mean, we all know that feeling. To his second year of preschool. When he started last year, after a couple of weeks, his preschool teachers came to me to tell me they feel he is displaying characteristics of giftedness. Well that is incredibly beautiful. People told me I was gifted, but they said it was sarcastic.

They're like, it's gifted like. Oh, don't go near him. Kind of gifted like. You know what I mean? Well, giftedness is like the highest compliment you can give a child. This is an email we've never had. No, never. And I imagine this poor mom is getting in touch

because she does not know what to do with that. Similarly, when he started SLT for phonics, his speech and language teacher also said the same. He loves numbers. He self-taught him what? This kid taught himself all the times tables. He shelled him. No, but he's not shelled.

Cube numbers, long multiplication and division. Holy flip. He took up his love and quest for knowledge. He took up this love and quest for knowledge by himself. Yeah, because he likes learning. It's unbelievable. Some people really love to learn. I have nephews who have gone on to do actuary and mathematical science. But when I asked my sisters where, when I asked my sisters where

were they the same, were they the same with numbers like our son, they laughed. Most definitely not. His memory for details, even the most minute and dates has taken us aback on numerous occasions. He completes adult Lego sets and loves chick sauce. I mean, I want to meet this kid. Well, he's a little genius. He's four years old. He's completing adult Lego sets. Any father listening to this right now who has attempted to work on the Lego building

site of your four-year-old son who's been gifted an adult Lego set will know these sets are too difficult for adults. This little fecker. Well, I'm an early years teacher who finds the puzzles in my classroom really hard. It's this amazing email. I have asked his teachers if they considered there was any neurodivergence, but they said no. He just seems to be exceptionally bright. As a COVID baby, he wouldn't have been overly social or confident,

but has come out of himself hugely in the last few months and has lots of friendships. My question, I guess, is, are, how do you advise we approach this? Currently we nurture his passions at home on his terms, as opposed to any formal structure. My friend also happens to be a GP, suggested an educational psychologist assessment, starting big school next year. But sure, if that's, I'm not sure if that's a tad dramatic, she says. Although she mentioned it may allow him to get additional support in school. But I'm sure considering the lack of resources in schools as it is also, to be honest, the thought of me going to the principal of our small country school

before he starts and saying, by the way, that my son's a genius. Well, you know, he only gives me the gawks. Apologies for the thesis. Looking forward to hearing what you guys have to say back. Anonymous. For some of them, we've got an email. I mean, it's just so, so such a beautiful email. And I know well why she has no intention to go into the principal because the

principal would be like, I'm sure they're all. Oh, I'm sure he's a genius. Every mother thinks their child's a genius. It's really tricky because she has a very gifted child in her hand. The only thing I would suggest doing if the possibility was there would be to, if there's a Montessori school in her area that goes all the way up to 12, that's a perfect place for this kid to be. Why?

Because he will get a very normal school education, but he will do it at his own pace and his own interests. Montessori classrooms are incredibly, yeah, they're child led. The teacher is there to direct. They're not even called a teacher, they're called a director's. And they're just there to direct the child towards their interests. And they follow, like it's just beautiful. There's nothing they're not allowed to explore. But that's not available to everyone. We know that and it's very limited in Ireland for sure. There's a lot of three to six month stories, but six to 12 month

story classrooms are hard to find. So what else would I say to this woman? First of all, it's fabulous. Your child loves learning. Enjoy it. And it's a beautiful compliment. She can't share. You can't tell other people that.

It's so tough on her. You can't say a word because everyone would be like, oh, if you're on things are child is a genius. Really tricky. Also, it's not good for him. You can't, do you know who you definitely can't say it to? You can't say a word because everyone would be like, oh, if you're on things, they're just a genius. Really tricky. Also, it's not good for him. You can't, you know, who you definitely can't say to the rest of your family. Yeah. Well, I think she's done that already.

So that ship has said, you cannot tell your child because the pressure that will put on your kid, the minute he finds something hard or the ego or the ego. Actually, when I, I replied to this mom and I said to her, you know, there are these courses out there that we know of and she actually got back to me with different courses she had heard of. Summer things and weekend things these children can avail of to keep their interests high. I said the only problem with these courses is it can give them a bit of an ego. It can.

They can leave sometimes feeling like, well, I know everything already. Yeah, like literally like Sheldon from the Big Ten. Yeah, nobody knows everything at all. And it's actually so important for your child to know that. Yeah, that's a type of wisdom in itself. You're forever learning, forever acquiring information. So her problem is actually a bit of a problem. Hmm.

Yeah, no, I can see why she emailed. Every chance he's going to go to school and be bored. Yeah. And then they can become disruptive. They can become disruptive. Well, Tina, that's a great way to finish the free part of our episode. Come over to patreon.com forward slash Irishmenabroad to hear and see a bit of the rest.

This is the hope for this season that we're going to have lots more visual content for you to enjoy. There's obviously bonus stuff over on Patreon this week. We're actually going to talk about one particular question we had from a parent whose kid has become overly bodily conscious, a young boy who has started to believe that he's putting on weight, even though he's clearly within his BMI, really fit and athletic. This is a bigger problem than we realize. Come on over to patreon.com forward slash Irish man abroad.

Tina, thank you so much for this episode. Thank you. I know it was stressful, but I'm so happy we're back. Season three. Unbelievable. What have we done, like, 60 episodes? Yeah, click subscribe so you'll get notified. It'll come straight to you. Can I say a quick thank you to everyone who kept in touch this summer?

All the emails. I hope I got back to everyone. But also, we never left the top 10. Never left the top 10. Unbelievable. Thank you guys so much. I am out on tour with the new stand-up show In Bits. It is coming to a theater near you, wherever you are in Ireland, the UK, America, and soon Australia.

I'll be in New York, Boston, and Chicago at the end of October, early November. Most of the tickets are gone. There's some tickets available for the Schubert Theater on the 26th of October. We'd love to see you there. ["The Schubert Theatre Theme"]