Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - My Kid Won't Talk, My Kid Is Abusive, Can I Trust My Kid?

Episode Date: October 20, 2025

Welcome back to another episode of Honey You’re Ruining Our Kid. It’s presidential election week in Ireland and the toys are being thrown out of the pram. Things are getting down right dIrty and it feels hard to explain or understand the impact this may have on our kids. All they are seeing is people taking swipes at each other on the news. How do we explain political behaviour to our children and then expect them not to replicate it. Question 1- When you’re a working mum trying to juggle your job and childcare you can just feel like the worry of timetabling your whole life is never ending. So when your kids become teenagers you finally have a chance to give them independence and trust them with the responsibility of minding themselves at home while you are still at work. What do you do though when they step up that expectation and want to invite some friends over while you’re not there. Can you trust them in the house alone with their buddies? Is 14 years of age too early for them to be able to handle these freedoms?  Question 2- Is there anything cuter than a chatty six year old girl. When you know your child to be a social butterfly at home or when around family it can be hard to understand that she is in fact the opposite at school. Should you be worried if your teacher approaches you with worries about her language skills when you know she has them. Or should you be worried about why your child is choosing to be selectively mute while at school. Question 3- Exhausted moms raising teenagers is never a good mix. We are led to believe that the early years are the toughest parenting years and then you get to meet your teen. Navigating your child through their teenage years is a mammoth task made even harder if they are unhappy and acting out. How do you reach your child? What can you do to help your child through their inner turmoil? How do you speak to them and get them to understand that they can’t take their moods and frustrations out on you or their extended family? Is there hope? Is there a way of turning it all around or do you just have to ride the teenage dirt bag wave until it reaches a calmer shore. Thank you for listening in to another episode of Honey You’re Ruining Our Kid. We wish everyone a very happy Halloween. We will be back after the mid term break so there is plenty of time to get your parenting questions into us, simply email us in [e-mail]. Get the Gobshite Guidebook is out on October 23rd and it might be the most essential piece of parenting help you will ever find.Come see Jarlath live on tour - all dates can be found here.

It's honey, you're Rooney, our kid, the parenting podcast from the Irishman of Brob Podcast Network with me, Jarlet and Tina. Hello there. Tina's presidential week, presidential election week here in Ireland, and things are heating up. The dirtiest campaign in history they're calling it. Well, things are getting bitchy, but it seems to be just bitchy from one side. Smirte de bejes is out of her, is the phrase that will probably appear on reeling in the years. That's what's going on. If you're not familiar with the Irish political scene,

what we're showing our kids right now over here is how to go low. When they go low, they really go low. And I wanted to start today's podcast with the question, Tina. What are we showing our kids? And when our kids see this, how do you explain to them? Oh, that's just politics. People take shots at each other in the name of getting. elected. It definitely has an impact. Definitely has an impact. It goes in. And I think we saw it

firsthand, when we were in England and around the time of Boris and everything like that, there was an election in our school. And our kid was one of the kids running for student council first. Now, when I say that the British government influenced how a lot of kids behaved, How they campaigned. How they campaigned and their election. Now, luckily for our kid, he comes from a family of silly willies. And also his dad had run for election in college. And we won, we won, because you kept, you knew you have to keep a lightness and you have to make it a bit silly.

And you have to be, you know, we were very much influencing Mikey when they were, like, he was quite stressed out because they were, they were, they were getting the, you're forgetting the other election. Or he ran on the platform of more dinosaurs in the classroom. Oh, that was when he was in first class. In his first year in school. He ran on the platform. He promised the class more dinosaurs in the classroom. Oh, my God, he did. And afterwards, I asked him, has anybody come up to you about the dinosaurs once he'd been

elected about when the new dinosaurs will be entering the classroom? him and he said that those were election promises. Yeah, he said, he said, I did what it took. I don't know what the wording was. What did he say? But it was very much like, come on, guys. I had to say what I had to say to get elected. And he was six years old.

And you think it isn't going in. But like it is like it is a wider question though, Tina though. That like the news is on in the background. There is absolute. violence and just the craziest news in the world. Yeah, but I guess what I was trying to say was that, you know, one of the ladies is not going low. And I feel like at the time when our kids were going through that presidential thing,

we were able to keep our kids steady that way and not retaliate and go low. And when it came to them doing their speeches, staying bright and not attacking the other kids who were running, is what helped Mikey actually become school president. He got elected and he was so proud of himself. You're so proud. I'm still so proud of him. Because he didn't believe in himself.

And it took a lot for him not to retaliate to things that were being said. Like it really got dirty. You know, this campaign over here, if you haven't been following it, two candidates, both female and one male candidate for probably the biggest party in the country who dropped out on the basis that he did somebody out of some money. And these kind of, I wondered if that kind of an aspect of it was something that,

we've literally not discussed this still coming on here. Because I genuinely wanted to get Tina's opinion on how you lead it in terms of kids are all chatting about the election now. Yeah, electing the president. And it seems like to get elected president over here, you need to have the thickest skin and the ability to take all of these lumps

and have made no mistakes in your past. But I think the media in Ireland has been really strange to watch during this election. They seem very obviously aligned with certain candidates and very obviously will do anything to oppose or muddy the waters of the other. Well, it could also be just that it's, you know, It's been super obvious.

But it can also just be that they have questions and they think this gets more clicks. Like to me, when I look back on it on this campaign, which is nearing its end, it'll be done on Friday, thank God. The kind of gurning for interest on the part of the media has been the hardest thing to watch because they're like, oh, maybe people will buy the paper on the basis of me asking this question. question over and over again. Everyone trying to generate a meme or a moment. Yeah, but also there's been so many questions not asked. Like Jim Gavin, he committed a crime. What he did was horrific, but there's still sympathy for him out there. No one has had the guts to go, this was wrong. What he did was absolutely wrong. He absolutely had to pull out of the race. That poor fella who was so down on a, still hasn't got the money back. And then, you know, this whole thing they do to Catherine Connolly with

the Vulture Fund thinks. Why has no one said, yeah, okay, she was a solicitor, she had to represent who she had to Barister, sorry. But who fucking came up with the Vulture Funds? Finneguale. Under whose hand was that? Yeah, whose hand did that? Yeah, look, it is a question though for our kids of right and wrong.

Sorry, yeah, I'm going to start. And when you're trying to teach your kids right and wrong. Yeah. And you're discussing at the dinner table that this person. held this job in the past and they're literally trying to dredge up dirt on each other. Yeah.

It does raise questions for you and your family and trying to talk to your kids about what's right and what's wrong. And I don't know if we've covered ourselves in glory throughout this campaign. I think everybody

is looking into the distance now because that is how it feels to be here. And I'm sure a lot of our listeners across the world must feel the same way when attempting to discuss the news with their kids. I know we've tons of listeners in America and the no kings marches or take took place this past weekend. And again, how are you explaining that? Why don't you get in touch with us? I mean, please get in touch. We're off to Chicago this weekend.

We're going to Chicago. I am so frightened. You're all the things I'm being an idiot. But I'm drinking the Kool-Aid if you think. that Chicago is on fire at these cities where the army have been brought in. It's not so much that like we were there in April, right? Not Chicago,

New York and stuff. Yeah. We, I can't remember now, but we feel like we did a lot in April. But people were so sad. I'm not sure if I'm able for that sadness again. Like people are walking around the streets absolute bewilderment. There seems to be a bit more defiance

on the streets now. And defiance is definitely a theme in this week's episode we've got three banger questions from you guys the listeners thank you as always for submitting your questions it's easy to submit one honey you are ruining our kid at gmail dot com we cannot do the show without your questions a lot of you get in touch of questions and say don't put this on the air don't be concerned you will always remain anonymous on honey you're ruining our kid but let's get to question number one and get going with season four episode four of honey our first question today is about when is too soon and that is the when

when do I when do I potty train when do I insist my kid goes to their own room at night when is too when are they old enough to watch certain things these questions of scheduling in parenting probably the most common thing that you get yeah and you know what the when always leads to the problem because if you're too rigid and strict about the whens you can bring pressure to those situations

whereas it should never be when is it right by everyone else's standards it's when does it feel right to you you really have to trust your mommy and daddy guts on these kind of issues because when it feels right for your child

isn't going to be when it feels right for your other child or another child in a row it's also individual And that's why I always think, don't do anything unless you feel like, yeah, and my kids ready for this. Well, this question relates to independence and specifically the, that tween age. Okay. Scary.

They're still your baby. They're still your baby. But they think they're like totally grown up now. Yeah. Like I'll never forget that period where they were kind of making plants. And you're like, how you. think you're going to get to these things. I know, that was really upsetting you. It's like, and all the parents around us were like, yeah, apparently, they've made a

reservation at a restaurant. And you're like, oh yeah. Yeah, but the crazy thing about that was we were all like, this is ridiculous, but who's dropping the kids. Nobody stood up to them. But I don't know if you, like, you said a bunch in the first bit there about what's right for you, who's your parents good. I had no parenting gut. You had way more experience with kids when we had our kid. And I just was like a lot of people are terrified of these decisions, these choices. And that's where this question comes from. Charlotte and Tina, I need a bit of advice. I have two teenagers, a boy and a girl. They are twin, 14 year olds. They are all, they've always been extremely independent. I return to work when they started. Secondary school. And they've been home.

alone after school for a few hours for nearly two years now, which is, I think, brilliant and super healthy. And obviously she had no choice. No option. Yeah. That's where we live right now. And they're together. They're not on their own.

Exactly. So my question is, at what age should you trust your kids to have a friend at your house without an adult home? I'm just worried that while I can trust them together as twins, Can I trust them not to get up to no good, not to get up to no good, when they are all together. Yeah, well, you know what you mean, sir, the friend, divilment, energy. Yeah. Well, if it's the 80s, whenever you're.

I mean, you can have toddlers in the house together. No, this has definitely changed, doesn't it? Well, there's two bits to this, because first of all, you need to know, can you trust your kid not to go bloody banana? when they have a friend over and the second thing is you got to get permission from that kid's parent too it is might not even be a runner because who will a parent of our generation who's like super worried about their kids the whole time be okay letting their kid over to a house when they're 14 that they know there isn't a parent in if you're not okay but they're saying but like his parents have no problem with it why do you have a problem with it yeah well there you just

have to stand on your hind legs and be like well those are my house those are the rules but like that can cause issues like I had a very good friend who definitely took offense when I wouldn't allow my son our son sleep over sleep over like what's your issue with sleepovers I just think why why would your child and why are you laughing why but like sleepovers are we know like I'm sorry no matter how much you trust the people you're leaving what your kids with that's when the Bad stuff happens, and I'm not willing to put my child in a vulnerable situation like that. I just think... When you say bad stuff, you mean kind of recklessness, showing all, exploratory stuff.

No, I mean abuse. Abuse. I mean, or they see abuse. Yeah. You're putting them into another home who have totally different rules and ideals. You don't know who's there when. You don't know who's there when. And I mean, all the horror stories, I've just seen too much.

Right. I've seen too much. I just couldn't do it. See, if you were president, you would ban sleepovers. I'm running on the platform that I don't think that children should be allowed to sleep over at each other's houses. I don't trust anybody. If you'll allow me to finish. I just think you can't trust anybody these days.

There's some fierce blackguards out there and we're turning a blind eye. And the, I, my kid is ready. Your kid isn't this, this whole thing of, well, mom, why are the other kids doing this? Yeah. Like, that must be such a big cause for arguments in houses. Oh, big time. On everything from pocket money. Yeah.

And you know what it does start? It bring, it's the only time you hear your parents voice in your head. You know, when you're to hold on going, I'm not going to parent like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, so, so the, you wouldn't be in favor of having the friends over by what you're saying. I think, I think she should go for it.

I do. She's got two, she's got twin 14 year olds. So, and one of them's a girl. And she's, just go for it, is your advice? I think she should. She's, oh, they've already proven. Is there a way to do this? Yes.

I'm getting there. Okay. She had, they've already proven their trust already. She's been leaving them by themselves. and they haven't got up to no good, I'm supposing. Now I feel like she's allowing them another degree of responsibility and independence. And if the parent of that child is okay with them coming over, I think you need to lay down ground rules. And then it's very easy because if they break the rules, they don't get to do it again.

Is there an argument for a ring camera? See, you're all about the cameras. You actually freak me out. I don't think ring cameras are okay inside houses. You do. I think it's terrible. I think, like, how is a child ever supposed to feel like they've been trusted if there's a camera on them the whole time? Well, there's a camera on them the whole time at school.

Yeah, but I just think when you're home, you should be able to relax. Like, have you seen that video of the dad who's gone completely viral? Well, what if your kid is choking? Oh, what? You're going to be watching the camera the whole time? Or something is going down that you're like, oh shit. Like, through the ring. camera you can literally talk to them through the camera. I just think it's, I don't know,

it bangs off wrong to me. Like, I was just saying that dad is going viral at the moment, right? He came home from work. He told he was in the house by himself. Danger. He starts dancing to music and he's just having one of those fuzzy moments that you get when you're on your own. The wife released it. The daughter. Oh no. Like, and it's very cute and very funny. It's like, are you telling me you can't have a silly dance in your own house anymore in the nip yeah like come on remember that couple at your show who had to watch their son have sex with his daughter all over their house because their son have sex with their daughter oh no no no his girlfriend his girlfriend is over they came up to me after the show and they were like you have no idea how much we needed that laugh and i was like what's

going on uh we're in ireland on her holiday and um we have cameras in our house that our son does not know all that and let's just say he has defiles every room in the house there's so much wrong with that yeah yeah no Tina Jared we are not having there's a lot wrong with that particular situation but I do think if she is concerned then having cameras that they're aware of that you can just say listen we have these for security it will keep them on the straight and narrow even if you never look in the camera I think you should be able to offer the trust

you know I just think that's wrong that's just me and you're not the same woman who kept a camera on her little boy while he slept until the age of eight I think it was older than eight wasn't he was eight excuse me i had had a trauma i was afraid our son was i was very traumatized

for a long time i was still a bit traumatized but these days i get true it a bit more because he's much more annoying as a teenager okay so you had your trauma and this is i understood complete i never ever argued against the camera yeah what was the impact of him knowing his mom always had an eye on well he he felt he he he's very safe he felt very safe he's never really had any issues with you felt very safe he never had him leaving the bed and he knew that if he called he was heard yeah but the camera wasn't it doesn't it wasn't on all the time it only came on if he made a noise neither with the ring doorbell camera i just think that even one camera there is enough well it's a good suggestion and she might like it for me personally i think they're

teenagers i feel like yeah you know for me when i was doing it with mikey i was doing that with mike I just, that was selfish because that was more me. I couldn't sleep unless I could hear him breeding, which is bananas. Is there a better way of saying to your kid? Let's say she decides no. Is there a better way of saying to your kid, this isn't happening without going, my house, my rules and turning into that over? Oh, absolutely.

I mean, she should be able to sit them down and explain her reasons. Like, it's absolutely okay for her to say, I love that you want. to have friends over. I think this is something we can work towards. I definitely think 14's a bit young. How's about? We see how this goes and we'll have that friend over at the weekend a bit because she's probably not getting to have friends over that much. You know, she might not even know this friend. I don't know any of our son's friends because we never see them. Yeah, but you can't but you've got to ease in is what you're saying. That it, that like, did kids think that them being together in the house is the same but it's not no because it's when the one-upmanship and the showmanship

I'm cool watch this uh begins but no matter how chill your kid is the show and off kicks in but the other thing is if we know anything about the generation of kids it'll probably just be them sitting there on their phones yeah for hours on it like it might be the safest time to do this with uh teenagers because they're so sedentary now that they're in a kind of comatose state on their phones laughing and showing each other memes and videos for most of the time

I guess yeah I don't really have a right or wrong answer for this lady I think she should do what feels right to her and if she's doing it she needs to set out the ground rules for her kids and if she's not doing it she just needs to explain to them why she's not comfortable with it yet

what if and I'll finish on this God I hate your what if sorry for doing that that was a real what if there's one kid they have an issue with having over oh well then

that's so different then the mom has to be there if there's some kids you genuinely do worry that your child's hanging around with and it's not

I never think it's okay to label a child as problematic or because there's always a reason but if you can't trust that child as they are right now I'm not saying that's how

they'll be forever it's okay for you not to want to leave your child with that child. That's absolutely fine. But it also means that your kid doesn't get to hang out with the friends that you don't have an issue with. It's a thorny issue. Yeah, I guess you just have to do what feels right to you. For me, I think having the two of them together, the twins, you've got the bit of support there. It would be different if they were on

their own. I want to know, because this is such a fantastic question, first of all, for sending it in. Thank you so much. But it opens. Our podcast into a whole new area of trust with teens. Yeah. And we'd love to hear your take on this. If you are a ring door bell subscriber with the camera in place, does your kid know about it? I mean, that's the other question here is that if you have issues around it,

I'm sure that there are people going, they don't know about the cameras like that couple that came to me after the show. Yeah, I bet they wish they told them. And in that case, you, yeah, well, I bet they could unseal. lot of what they saw. They would. We'd love to hear from you, as always, honey, you're rooting your kid at gmail.com.

We've got to steam on to question number two. Just out of that last question, Tina asked, if she doesn't let them do it, will they just do it anyway? Because I realised that's what I would have done. Oh, shit, it's all coming out today on Honey You're Rooney Your Kid, Tina, was a bowled child.

I wasn't bowled, but I would have been like, bowled. Is it? That's bold on a new level. Your parents said you're not allowed of friends over and you're like, I'm going to do it anyway. Craft stop me.

Yeah, but you just make sure they're gone before your mom comes home. Scaping out the back window. Jumping out the back window. It's so funny that she talks about herself this way, guys, because you've no idea what a good girl she was for so long in our relationship. I couldn't possibly do that, Jared. You're shaming me on the bag on the back on?

Yeah, no, I am a little bit because literally she's just such a great human being to start out with. I had to corrupt her so slowly. Well, I definitely had, I was very wary of boys. Yeah. Yeah. You had a rep. I'm not even referring about the sexual side of things. I'm talking about like, you know, just a great student.

in college. I mean, just, you know, she's, she's, she doesn't agree with this because she knows that she ducked out with lectures to go to the bar. Yeah. By the time, third year it hit. But like, these kids, without the ring doorbell. Well, I was, I have a little neurosis where I can't do something wrong because I think it'll affect the rest of my life.

Right. Well, here's a great question to lead into this one. Okay. How close were you to the person your parents? I don't think my parents ever believed how good I was actually being. I think they always... They thought you were trying to trick them. Yeah. Whereas I was genuinely never doing anything wrong because I was terrified in my head of the consequences. Like even if I had a fash, because I used to do a lot of Irish dancing, if I did, if I

stepped out of place that morning before the fesh, jinxy. I just thought. Well, what's the point even going now? I'm not going to win anything. I've jinxed myself now. Yeah. And I still do that a bit. The power of jinx. Charlotte, touch wood.

Last night in bed I was touching wood for some shit I said. We were watching a film yesterday. Oh, God, touch wood. And there was this guy who had this, like, crazy neurosis thing. And Jarrah was looking at me like, because I was like, who would be like that? It was in friends where the guy is afraid of farm animals. He was like, I can't because I know that there. they're only two doors away.

That's Tina. I won't tell you what her. No, because I will just haunt her with them. Yeah, and I'll just start getting sick. And they're so feckin many of them. I definitely.

What about you, Jarlett? Were you the kid your parents thought you were? No. No. No. In a good way? I don't know.

I don't know if my parents know me now. I don't know. I couldn't tell you who they thought I was. But they definitely, all of our parents have an incorrect image of who we are. I think most people have an incorrect image of you because I think you are, and not just because I'm your wife.

Here we go, let's get ready. Strap in, Jarre. Here comes to the insult. No, you know, I think you're the absolute sweetest, kindest, loveliest person in the world. But other people don't seem to see. Thanks for letting me know. Question number two.

This is, this is the joy in Tina's day. You hear that laughter, she's really having a great time now. This is, this is, this is, this is an abusive relationship. Stop it. And that's what I have to deal with. Look, my parents thought that I was a fancy Dan. That's the truth of it. They thought, what do you mean, oh.

They just thought that I, they don't know. They told you loved yourself. Um, no, I never said that. look I don't know I just know that I didn't feel like the the person they envisioned me to be was who I was and I'm sure a lot of us feel this way so when you're putting when your teacher comes to you as we have in question number two and says your child refuses to speak in class and you have an image of your child as being a chatty Cathy back home at this is a all part of you coming to learn who your kids are. Yes, I think that's really important. Charlotte, yeah. Charlotte and Tina, myself and my husband love your show and I'm getting in touch for a little bit of help with our larger than life, six-year-old girl. We have the most talkative child.

However, my child apparently refuses to speak in class. Her teacher doesn't seem to believe us when we describe how chatty she is at home. Well, that's crazy because teachers have to know the difference between home life and school life is very stark sometimes is there anything we can do though to help her be more herself be her home self i guess at school is this even a worry see i don't think it is i don't think it is a worry this child is six years old yeah okay and they're obviously very happy in their home life which is lovely to hear oftentimes the biggest friction teachers and parents have is that they are getting presented with two different types of kids at school. And this isn't a massive behavior. But sometimes when your child has a massive

behavior at school, it's very hard to get the parents to take it seriously because they'll be like, well, they don't do that at home. And you're like, well, they're doing it at school. I feel like, of course, this teacher should be encouraging this child to have more speaking opportunities. this child is obviously not very comfortable at school. There's a fear there. She's not being how she is at home because she doesn't feel as safe at school. So that's something the teacher should take seriously and work on. But I don't think it's a worry because plenty of kids, including myself, was, I was super shy at school. Like, I used to pray that the teacher wouldn't call on me to read out in my book. Like, that's how shy I was at school. Primary school, I was just the worst. And at home,

I never stopped talking. I think some kids just are a little bit shyer at school and it takes a really great teacher to reach them and bring them out of themselves. You think you could have been reached? Yeah. Because you were never talkative ever. In any class. Oh, in primary school, no. But you know what I had a... In college, you were the same. way with tutorial. Oh, terrified, yeah. And you know what? I, you know, I'm saying that you feel like that could have been, but I associated with the same thing. Most of my tutors in UCD were male and most of my teachers in primary school were male. And I really, really didn't like how they would be, how they'd speak. Well, my teachers in primary school, look, I loved my primary school, but I was afraid of

most of my teachers and they were shouty and scary. And like, I remember being pulled out the classroom for not getting the name of the sun right in Irish, which of course is green. And that being poked into my chest, you know, like, why would a child want to speak out when they're afraid? And I'm not suggesting this child is afraid, but I am saying they don't feel as safe as they do as home. Well, they are afraid of something. I mean, they would be chatting away if they were comfortable. But we're so lucky now.

School has changed so much. All this teacher has to do is introduce more conversation time into the, like, we weren't a loud conversation time. Whereas now she can be like, okay, everyone on the carpet, let's talk about this. Who has opinions on this? Eventually that child will join in. Never point her out and put pressure on her. But eventually she was...

Is it possible that something is happening on the playground? That's a bit more... Oh God, you know my... You know my opinions on playgrounds. There's always something happening on the playground. I think if any parent went into a school at playtime, they wouldn't send their kid to school again. Like, it's awful. It's a joke.

Don't go out there. Yeah, I believe it. You see some of the... We remember it. Yeah, you see some of the saddest things you'll ever see in your life at playtime. Obviously, there's days when they're having the time of their life and it's fun. But you will see just heartbreak on the playground.

I mean, no. I remember girls that were sweetness and light in the classroom being terrors on the playground. Well, it's like they use the playground as a place where they can put people in their place. You're not playing with it. I mean, when you see that... I had to do playground duty for two years in England. In England, Ireland, every teacher has to do their day, their turn. But in England, it's very much, oh, it's your turn to do that now.

I don't do that job anymore. I mean, I found it very hard not to react as if I was friends with the kids who were getting picked on because I'd be like, what? We don't talk to each other like that. And, you know, policing the playground does work, but our playground is being policed enough, I don't think so. So if something she fears that, like, that would be the biggest fear for me here listening to this. If this was my kid, I would be thinking, okay, so either the teacher is terrifying my child or there's someone in the class she's afraid to appear foolish in front of. Absolutely.

Or she actually just doesn't know what's expected of her in school. And that can be, that can be the number one. I mean, she's seeing others speak out. You know, but she's only six and a lot of four or five, six-year-olds and sometimes men who are like 44-year-olds need to be told exactly what's expected of them in a situation. She might not know she's even allowed. She might not even know, like at school you're allowed, put up your hand if you have an opinion and talk. Sometimes you really have to spoon feed your kids the stuff they're allowed to do. Like a lot of the time, it's really important that a teacher tells the kids.

kids, you can go toilet whenever you want. Because some kids will think they're not allowed. And then that comes, it gets loads of wets. Or if you're hungry, tell me, because of course you need to eat when you're hungry. So the first thing this person should do is. I think this person should not worry so much about it, but definitely have a meeting with the teacher where they say, I'd like for you to help my child build up on their conversational skills and their confidence skills. I'd like you to do this by maybe having more.

conversation time in the classroom, but also to know in your heart that it is okay if your child isn't as chatty at school. Maybe tell them, maybe talk a bit more positively about school. You know, lead. Yeah, your own memories of school. Maybe slip into conversation, you know, things you're allowed to do at school. You don't have to just sit there and be quiet all day, you know. It could also be and this does have like I have so much. faith and respect for teachers, but it can, like you said at the start of this, it can literally be the issue with this particular teacher. Yeah. That, you know, maybe that kind of conversation space isn't available. Absolutely. But most teachers will want the best out of all of their kids and will

want, and probably this has come up because they'd like to hear from her. So they may be pushing an open door with this. I think this is one we'll have to come back to in a later episode to hear. It's very cute, So, isn't it? I mean, you probably can't understand it because you were so outspoken as a kid. But I definitely was like afraid to make a noise in case I got in trouble. Definitely. It's good. And what kind of trouble were you thinking? Well, I guess my brother had gotten in a lot of trouble. And I was aware that the teachers weren't fans of him. And I was like, oh, I don't want to be getting in trouble too. That's something this mother doesn't include. Is the other child a little ball?

I'm not calling your brother a bollock. Well, he was bringing life some matches to school. He was 24. He was not. So on the way to Duny Gall this weekend for to show up in Duny Gall. Yeah, Tina and Mikey with me. Rare enough to have both of you with me on these trips. We listened to a little bit of a.

brand new book called Misunderstood and it's about a basketball player who I loved so much Alan Iverson and weirdly I also loved Alan Iverson but uh I loved his spunk in his spirit he's his spunk and his spirit the most white person description oh no I did love his spirit you're a complete game changer in terms of the game fashion style. He just seemed like such an underdog. And completely hated by the institution, the white establishment at the time. He was also tiny for a basketball player.

Sent to jail in his final year of secondary school for a crime. He clearly did not commit, but he was pinned for if you want your kid to have some gratitude for how fortunate their situation is, even having them. a sparse overview of the insane poverty that these people like Alan Iverson have dragged themselves up from no light no phone he's only a few years old to know it's hard to believe he grew up starving his mother trying her best just no money in the house and yet he's a freak of nature when it comes to all these sports. He's unbelievable. This was the other thing that I don't think anybody, any of us really understood

was how good he was at American football too. And how late she came to basketball. Basketball was an afterthought. And I say this to springboard into our final question, which is about when you feel like your kid is just off the rails and you know, you're trying your best to give them everything you can, their problems are all first world problems and all you're being met with

is derision and anger I mean well for me the hardest part of dealing with that kind of behaviour is you know that there's an unhappiness in your kid too they're not acting out for no reasons they're like well what is it while is making them this unhappy

well let me get the question out here so that you guys can understand the situation this poor parent is in and again And maybe this is also part of you feeling grateful for exactly the situation that you're in. And we'll try and have Tina come up with a strategy here to help. My son is 13 and is in the ninth grade. So obviously one of our American listeners shout out to everybody over there.

Causes a lot of trouble. Doesn't study at all. When I ask him to study, he starts shouting, being rude, hitting and using abusive language. After a few moments, he then apologizes. But if I ask him to memorize even a few big questions, He again starts misbehaving. He has a sister and he hits her too and insults her. He uses very foul language with me and swears him.

When I punish him, he becomes even more disrespectful. Even if I ignore him, he doesn't let me stay at peace. I'm fed up with the situation. Today, even insulted my parents. He only cares about food. Now, that's one of the funniest lines in the email. I never laugh at the situation. Tina appreciates food more than anybody I know.

I only care about food too. He feels a regret sometimes, but then my anger does not cool down. I have treated him with a lot of love and tried everything, but nothing helps. Tina, please help me. This is a really hard one. I've read through that question a few times. And the sense I get is, of course, mom is at the end of her tether. Yeah.

And I feel like she is, she's admitting to having. to anger and when both of you are in a temper then the situation is completely out of control you need to choose a way you're going to react and behave with this kid and you need to try your best to stick to it and if you're not ready to do that yet don't commit to it because you've got to be so ready or it's not going to work. Like, you getting angry with this kid is giving him massive amounts of attention. So it's just going to drive it that he will try and seek out that massive attention from his mother again.

I have over-explained this a million times, but every single time a child will seek out the negative because when we're angry with our child, we actually take the time to look at them and be with them. And they want that interaction and that intimacy so much. They don't care if you're shouting at them because during that shouting, they feel seen. Right. So before we get to what the actual approach is, and of a feeling I know what needs to happen, just from years of doing this podcast with you, 13 is tricky.

And a period when a lot of parents struggled because you go from being the star of the show, their favorite thing in the world I think moms particularly struggle with this age. The hugs and the snuggles my mommy's the best. Yeah and then there's a period of rejection where they're like... It's like a breakup. Yeah. I found it really hard like and I was trying my best to be respectful

but then I was like I miss my baby so much it's a real gear change and it happens fast and they're changing so much and I guess understanding the changes inside of them will help this mom. I mean, some of the moods and reactions aren't even really within his control because like the hormones and all these new feelings he's having.

He's very confused. You know, it's very confusing time for boys. Well, also we don't really have a great model anywhere for how to navigate this period with respect and dignity for their space. and they're changing into youth and young manhood, and specifically the lads I'm talking about here.

Yeah, and I think it's a different generation of moms. It's not moms who'll go, oh, well, that's how he is now. And I just have to, it's moms who are pushing back against it being like, you don't get to talk to me like that. Whereas a lot of these men were molly coddled in from their teens into the grownups. And they were their mothers pride and joy. Which men? You know, all your generation.

men yeah you know the way like god you couldn't expect him to do anything sure he's a boy he's dealing with enough whereas now moms are like get off your arse get up i don't care what kind of mood you're in this generation yeah that is not my job that's everyone's job and that's a good thing but it means there's far more friction between moms and teenage sons now i i just go my heart goes out this woman because obviously habit has formed she said that she can describe how it goes the angry words

the hitting or whatever with the sister then the regret and I think that's probably the positive to focus on he's still regretting it and going I fucking that's a major positive if we could recommend the book again from Richie Let's Talk

It's called What's Ritchie's second name? Sadlier. Sadlier. Just true blank there. We brought so many copies at that book because every time we give it to our kids, they keep going missing.

He talks over and over again about boys specifically and impulse control and it probably helped his mom too to understand. That's the main thing. It really does help you because again, as a mother, we don't really understand.

It's a very different experience to be a teenage girl. And of course, being a teenage girl is horrific and all the changes they have to go through. But it is very hard to relate. It's like I found it hard to relate. And there's me, you know, trying my best to be so informed. I was still frustrated by the whole thing. And it is short-lived and actually made easier when you have a bit more understanding for what that's happening to them. But it's still not acceptable. on any level to be abusive and hitting your mother and your sister and I mean there's certain things that just are not okay but that's it escalating right that's it escalating and that escalates when

your first reaction to a poor reaction is to go above that yourself and very hard not to and i found certainly with the richie sadly your book introducing the language of impulse control and getting right well that's your first reaction this is your first response and they're not totally reliable that actually bringing that into the conversation is going to be game changing because your kid isn't totally aware no no oh i do i do have these big responses but he's admitting that he then regrets those yes so let's see how it's going to work how does it tend to work walking it through in a reflective meeting with him about, well, how are you tending to react when things aren't what you'd like? Yeah. You go big and then you feel sad. And look,

then if they're going to have the meeting, the number one thing I think they need to talk about is is schoolwork and homework because what she's doing is not working. Okay, he's not interested and he's not having a good time. But her getting involved is not working. They're having a lot of arguments there. I think they need to talk about how he has a responsibility to do his homework. Very much his responsibility. He is 13 years old now. You cannot keep holding his hand. You need to step away. He is going to choose whether to do his homework or not. You've tried your consequences of that. You get to remind him to do it. But unless he asks you for help, you really need to be careful there because you're giving and it's not being received one.

Yeah. And we started this question with the discussion of gratitude and appreciation. And how will he ever appreciate it? Yeah. If it's looming over him on top of him the whole time. Yeah. When he's got to actually ask, I'm stuck here. Yeah. And her frustration is because she cares so much and she's like trying to help him. But he is not open to your help. So take that tension out of your evening by going, that is your responsibility. You'll face the consequences at school if you don't do it. I am here if you need me. I'm going now because you're 13 and you should be able to do your own homework. And what of the parents that are listening to this now going? I don't think he's going to do it. Well, I think they need...

If I don't sit on him, I don't think he's going to do it. Like she's saying, I'm asking to do the most basic. You don't do that. Why are these parents so embarrassed that they can't just take their journal and write in their journal? I tried to get my kid to do their homework. They refused. That's what happened. What are you protecting them from?

Like, why can't you send an email to their tutor and say, look, I'm trying my best. He won't do it. Then the school has the responsibility to try and talk to this child and explain. You're not on your own. And if you are, I think it's always much better as a parent. Hard to practice. I know this. But if they're refusing to do something, don't protect them.

How many parents are out there doing projects and homework for kids? That's crazy. What are you showing them? What are you teaching them? You're teaching them that there's always someone there to catch you when you fall. And that's just not life. That's not true. You're not teaching them any kind of culpability or responsibility.

And I just think if your kids refusing, tell the teacher. Don't protect them. You're protecting them from what? He doesn't sound like a complete renegade. No. He doesn't sound like. He does sound unhappy though. Even the food thing.

I'm sorry. There's a reason he's eating. But I think you hit on something really early on around the attention needed here. I'm going to wrap this question very soon because we are running out of time. The time that you spend with this lad, a little bit more you and him time, I think we'll go a long way. I certainly feel that that's something in our own life that you need more of. Yeah, but it's very hard because they don't want. Don't want to, oh, shaming me on the car.

I'm not shaming you on the pot. You're in the middle of learning to drive, but I'm saying that, like, in the car is where everybody says you should talk to your teenagers. Because, first of all, they're trapped. But second of all, it's not face to face, particularly with boys. It's looking straight ahead. It's either walking along or kicking a ball. You're not on top of them.

Yeah, but also, it's much easier for the dad to hang out with a 13-year-boy. A 13 year old boy does not want to be seen with their mother. And that's why the car is right. Yeah. Then you've got the options of, you know, a movie. But then what movie do you watch with your son? You're sitting in silence together. Remember that kid we saw in Wexford?

That was horrific. We saw a kid, maybe 14 years old, get out of a car in the traffic, shouting, telling his mother to fuck you and stuff, right? And his mother's just looking into his distance. And the kid's obviously in a rush and stressed out, but still no excuse to be told. She's giving him a lift into. town. And then that kid gets stuck at a pedestrian light and the mom gets to drive. And I was like, did you know, if I was that mom, I would give him the finger, which obviously wouldn't have

helped with his behavior. He finishes the episode with make sure to give him the finger first opportunity to get. Like obviously, I would never practice that. But I thought if any mother deserved to do it, it was her or even go up on the curb and drive over his feet. Oh, Tina, come on. He was so bold. He was a bold boy. I couldn't believe it. But I think that that's an example of the drive-in-the-car backfiring. Yeah, it's not going to work every time. But your meeting is everything here.

Yeah. Right? Yeah. And I would imagine that she sounds like, we don't know if dad's in the scene. Yeah, it does sound like she's a single mom. There's two moms. But everyone needs to sit down, including that daughter who's getting hit. Yeah.

About what's acceptable in the scene. house and what's beyond the pale. Yeah, but you know the most important rule about a family meeting is as the parents, you have to listen and not react. You can't use the meeting to take offense to anything to get said. Yeah. And that is the hardest part. Yeah, I find that in our meetings too.

Yeah. Lighten my tongue when you're saying stuff to me like you're, that's not to happen again. We've so much more questions to get to in up and coming episodes, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't email in honey you are ruining our kid at gmail dot com we'll be back after the halloween break we hope everyone has a very special Halloween Halloween is my favorite time year and also Jarlett has a book coming out this Thursday Thursday lads the perfect parenting book if you read your kid as a gobshite which clearly is a concern in this last question you know this is a book for the times we live in how many gobshites are we encountering

how did you write that book where did you find the time on Honestly, I am so impressed. I'm a great lad. Also, he's adding loads of extra dates to his tour. I am. I'm very predatory at the moment, this week. This weekend, I'll be in the Spirit Store in Dundaw, but that's all sold out. I'll be in Chicago, two shows.

One of them is completely sold out, and then there's back row seats available for the first night that have been released. So two shows there, the Den Theater. Please come out. If you have friends in Chicago, come down. Yeah, come see low to us. And we don't have Mikey with us this time so we don't have to run after shows It's going to be a bit of a hang

It's going to be fun I really think You're going to love this new show It's really come together really fast It's called Gas Man And it's touring the world In 2026 It really is

It's very exciting Darren I'm very proud of you Well the final stop for Inbits The previous show The 2025 show Is of course Australia Sydney, Perth Brisbane, Melbourne

and then off to New Zealand for one night in Auckland most of these shows are on the verge of selling out so if you have been holding off go for it now, grab your tickets and I will see you in November and it will be very sad to

I can't believe you're leaving me and going to Australia that's how good if you're wondering if I'm a good mom that is my good momming I am choosing to stay in with my child who will not appreciate it instead of going to Australia

in fact my child will probably spend the whole time going why didn't you just go with dad and I'd be like because I'm trying to be a good mom thank you so much for this episode you're a great mom you're a great podcast partner and we will see you guys in two weeks okay thanks guys right