Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Out Of Control Teens & Toddlers, Ghosts & Managing Change S2 E9

Episode Date: October 23, 2023

Is worrying about our kids the normal operating mode of modern parents. Are you stressed out, constantly over thinking and worrying about who they are becoming? I wants to know how did we get to this point? Were our parents ever as concerned about our wellbeing or did they just never vocalise it to us? Are we getting it right with all the mental health awareness or is it giving young people more ideas about what they should be worried about?Question 1:If you can’t get your partner to have your back and your parenting styles are very different how can you get your kids to do what you’ve asked them to do? When one parent tells them they don’t have to and the other is making threats - things get messy fast! Feeling alone and isolated as a parent is never a good feeling. Tina and I try to guide this mom through a very difficult personal situation.Question 2-A mom gets in touch about her out of control teenager. Her daughter wrecked her car and physically assaulted her. Should she cancel her party as a punishment? Or is that a step too far when your daughter is showing signs of frustration and unhappiness. Is being this strict actually helpful?Question 3-What’s the best approach when relocating your family. How do you prepare your child for the move? How do you persuade them it’s for the best when they are being vocal about not wanting to go.Finally... over on PatreonTina reads an email from a listener who followed her plan and has seen a miraculous change in her kid. And yes, I did see a ghost. Or was it just some lad in a weird night dress. Who knows! It was definitely a ghost.Email any questions into [e-mail]. Pop on over to Patreon to get the juicy stuff. Jarlath Regan | creating Irishman Abroad Podcasts | Patreon

Honey, you're ruining our kids. The parenting podcast from an Irish man abroad. It's all about helping you with this challenge of raising kids. I am a stand-up comedian and Tina is a child development expert with more than 20 years of experience in the business. There's actually zero judgment here and everyone does it their own way. At the end of the day you have to do what suits your family and I'm just here to try and help them. You gotta come down to their level and give them a chance.

You gotta give them a warning and say that is not okay what you did. Here's what's gonna happen next. This sounds a lot like our relationship.

Jar, if you do that again there's gonna be no basketball for the rest of the week. Thank you for tuning in to Honey, you're basketball For the rest of the week Thank you for tuning in To Honey You're

You're not tuning in Thank you for Thank you for downloading Yeah downloading Honey You're Ruining Our Kid The parenting podcast From the Irish Men Abroad Podcast Network And go loud

Tina's here with me I am As always I mean Tina The people that download this show Are on some level Here for the crack I hope so

But on another level they're worried about something in relation to their kids i mean i don't think anybody's ever not worried about their kids oh it's consuming it's all consuming all the time how did we get here like how because our parents didn't worry to this level yeah are they worried right on some level yeah they were a lot calmer about it but they weren't they weren't being uh suffocated with all the information we know they also coined the term you'll be grand you yeah and there wasn't kids going missing every day on facebook and stuff

so you think they didn't hear about as many horror stories so they assumed horror stories wouldn't happen yeah or they didn't want to make us horror stories, so they assumed horror stories wouldn't happen. Yeah, or they didn't want to make us weak. But is that really what's making us worry about our kids this much? As Tina does her first yawn of the podcast. I've literally said three sentences. Your voice is too relaxing. Oh, God, Ger.

I bet there are people listening now. To go to sleep. Saying, oh, my God, I feel very relaxed. My voice is very soothing. listening now to go to sleep saying oh my god i feel very loud but like is that really the reason why people are anxious about their kids is it that you are aware of what could possibly go wrong or is it something else well i think you're so aware that they have to grow up and they have to face this world that we're barely coping to face ourselves. But our parents were correct. What do you mean?

We were grand. No. We still don't have our shit together. You're like, we're not grand, Jack. You and I are not fine. Look at the grand of our age. They're destroying the world. We're terrible people.

We're so stressed out because we don't want our kids to turn out like us. But it is what we're doing right. That's the other question. What we're doing more than was done for us. So I don't know. I don't know if we're doing it right. Well, there is, there is, of course, there's the anti-woke brigade who are like worrying about your mental health and fussing over your kids. Is there's a tipping point in this where you've gone too far and now the kid's worrying

about whether they're worried or not. I don't go for that at all. I think all this focus on children's mental health and the tools are being given in school are incredible. What we're seeing are children who are emotionally more able to deal with things than we were. We're also seeing kids who will talk or share their feelings in a journal or to a teacher or their parents sometimes i mean we're seeing kids just being more able to talk we're seeing kids not being taken advantage of so easily because we're educating them to be sexually aware of their bodies and what's okay and what's not okay it's amazing that that was like breakthrough stuff when we were in school breakthrough stuff now the idea that you were getting sex education in school was seen as pretty like new agey that like you were told what you

what was going on down there sure none of us even wanted to be in the class like we're all we were also like oh my god it's a vagina piss we hadn't even ever looked at our own vaginas i know it's on the screen yet to see mine there's a big discussion at the moment about what should be taught in schools like what what are we missing out on my man michael healy ray he got in he got in touch with the podcast now he said that kids should be leaving school with the driving license yeah i think that's a brilliant idea i would have loved that i mean look at me i'm 41 years old i still can't drive with the driving license for your emotions is what you were talking about yeah in terms of having the skill set to be able to do a three-point turn in terms of your mood in terms of recognizing that the feelings

you're having are gonna pass stuff like that but what else could have been taught in school well i think the most different thing our children have is that adults are approachable like i don't know about you but i was terrified of my secondary school teachers i definitely never thought i could have a chat with them whereas now they're so approachable and treated like they're treated like grown-ups the minute they go into secondary school like i had to collect our little boy the other day he wasn't feeling well he had a headache and when i went into the office to sign him out the secretary was like no no no no no no he does that himself and i was like well that's cool so many things

there that just wouldn't the notebook like he was like i was like looking at her going out what he gave a full autograph he just didn't read it properly he was signing a poster of himself oh i'm not supposed to write that there oh oh shit I'm not supposed to write that there. Oh, oh, shit. I'm not supposed to write that there. Okay. But the fact that he got off school for a headache is definitely new agey compared to the broken limbs that you would have to stay in school with back in the 80s. Yeah. Isn't that great, though?

Because, like, headaches, you do need to come home and just lie down. It's great that that's the way it is now well i also said to him when we were pulling out that like there's loads of parents that even if the kid has a headache there's nowhere in the air to come back to so you gotta stay in whatever sick bay or whatever i mean i i do i i know i speak very fondly of my old secondary school but like we did have a corridor near the music rooms which probably wasn't the best place for the sick corridor but there was at least five little bedrooms with beds where if you weren't feeling well you could go and instead of going home you could go and have that would have been a disaster in my school oh really why well i just know first of all lads would have just been going in there

for a nap most days i I mean, I don't. I'm definitely the only person listening to this now. That would have been so taken advantage of. Well, I guess, you know what? I think they're necessary in girls' schools because once a month they have to have their period. And sometimes those cramps are so bad they need to lie down. And that's what those rooms were for in our school. You could go in with a hot water bottle and go

into the fetal position and lie down for a while wow i mean what was the name of the school again mercy and navin the mercy in navin shout out to everybody in the mercy and navin right now receiving elocution lessons to make sure that they don't speak like navin people to be fair which is not something i've just made up. That is true. We all have to do elocution for 20 minutes every morning. And that's why Tina speaks

like she's got an American accent now. What have you got for us on the show this week? What emails have we received? Loads. Loads and loads. And you know what?

We got loads of emails back from parents who were like, just one email in particular that I read to Charlotte. We were on the way to Oxford last night and this email came to me. Break your heart.

Oh my God. I'm like in bits reading it to him about how a mom who's really struggling to get her kid to go into class and listen and everything and i had gone through exactly what needs to be done for her to be able to get her kid back on track and she was like you've changed our lives it was amazing and i was saying to jar i didn't change their lives she did i just told her what to do and she was brave enough to do it so it was amazing and i was saying to jar i didn't change their lives she did i just told her what to do and she was brave enough to do it so it was really amazing that that's the center of our show honey you're ruining our kid at gmail.com is the email address to get in touch we want to hear from you whatever situation you find yourself in maybe it isn't even a question maybe it's just wait till you hear this we can't wait till we hear it so honey you are ruining

our kid at gmail.com it's a place to go let's get to it hi jaren tina i love your show so much at this point i genuinely don't know what i do without it i need your help though i feel the relationship between me and my nine-year-old son is getting destroyed primarily because of a failing relationship between my husband and I and due to our opposite parenting styles. This is really common, right? Everybody's styles can't line up exactly. No, and if they're not getting on, then they're really not even getting a chance to talk about what they need to do. Okay. So his version of events is I'm a helicopter parent because I hold my son accountable for his responsibility and behavior. I give compliments, but for his, both for his effort and unlike

my husband who gives them all the time. Oh, right. So she gives compliments for effort, but he gives compliments no matter what. Yeah. My husband does not hold my son accountable. He lets him be, which I try to, but I realize my son doesn't do his part unless someone is watching him or telling him. Typical little boy, got to be coached. Even after a reminder, he ignores me. He talks to me rudely and he's very disrespectful. He ignores me. He talks to me rudely and he's very disrespectful. This is the kid. Yeah.

When I bring this up to my husband, he supports my son and almost empowers him by saying all the places I'm going wrong. I hope that isn't in front of him, right? Jesus. That's another thing, right? Yeah. Oy, that's tough. I started family meetings, which is one of Tina's top tips, right? But none of them were engaged. I feel I'm the only one who cares about his behavior, attitude and habits.

My son has a very hard time breaking bad habits and creating new ones. My husband refuses to do family counseling or read about parenting. He keeps finding videos that show I need to back off on the kids. I have a six-year-old that is very close to me and he is on the right path. He finishes his work, finds intrinsic motivation and satisfaction in his work. And I feel this is because no one says good job to him for every little thing he does and overall is satisfied with his life. My nine-year-old is jealous, entitled and out of line with me at the very least. How do I save our relationship and relationships, I suppose? God. Big question. Well, there's so much to unpack there because, well, if the six-year-old's in the same house

as the nine-year-old, how come he isn't getting that price from the dad? Is the dad just lavishing it on the nine-year-old? It's a good question because you would think that everybody's getting the same. Yeah. But then you say that. You would think if that's getting the same. Yeah. But then you say that. You would think if that's his parenting style, he would. The biggest conflict in any house at Christmas is the different treatment of different kids. Right.

That everybody, your parents have a different relationship with each kid. Yeah. And perhaps the dad became very close with the nine-year-old when the little six-year-old was a baby and mommy needed to be with that child more, you know. Or maybe they did the thing that a lot of people do, which like he's more in charge of that one yeah and i'm more in charge you see that a lot yeah so either way one kid seems quite happy as she said is getting motivated by himself yeah well look i mean it's a very tricky one when the partner is not on board and when you like he's actively disagreeing with how you parent.

And I mean, I feel like whatever about the kids behaviors right now, I feel like what this mom needs to do is actually work on her relationship with her nine year old son because she's having very negative feelings towards him. He is obviously returning those and she needs to find a way for them to bond and be together where she's not pissed off with him all the time like she's called him like lazy and has a poor attitude and she seems to think like he's done he's nine years old he's nine he's not finished sure but i i really feel that on first reading of this the the key here is the two of parents getting on that doesn't seem to be happening i mean he

won't go to counseling i don't know it's a very hard one i feel like maybe mom needs to control do what she can not control but do what she can with this situation and all she can really do if daddy's not on board and willing to see her point of view is work on her relationship with her nine-year-old kid find something you have in common with that child or pretend you do and bond with him get Get him talking. Get opening up. Maybe you don't need to go to couples counselling with your husband. Maybe you need to go to a counsellor with your nine-year-old boy. Maybe you need someone who can help you talk about your emotions.

Not everyone can afford that. This is the other thing. People listening to this going, in a perfect world. I'm only saying that because you've mentioned couples counselling. Yeah, okay. But I just want to get clear what this issue is. For people listening who hear the email, we've had a chance to mull it over a bit. There's two kids.

One's nine, one's six. Mommy thinks six-year-old's perfect. Six-year-old seems to be living up to the expectations. Yeah. And following what she'd like him to do. Nine-year-old is probably just doing what nine-year-olds do to an extent. Yeah. my understanding of all of marriage and parenting is even when you feel you're most right to step aside and go maybe I'm not yeah I agree absolutely and I think you know he is bonding more with daddy because daddy is giving him praise that maybe he just needs to feel good

he feels like you know my dad thinks i'm great my mom's just giving out to me all the time i'm not saying that that mom isn't within her rights to be like this is not okay this is awful but what i'm saying is i don't think anything's gonna get happier in this house until mom actually takes a beat and goes okay i'm gonna need to find things throughout the day this kid is doing and go i love it well done thanks for showing me that she needs to build that relationship back up but equally your biggest tip is always ignore the bad stuff absolutely it does sound as if when he's like who are you mom she's like what did you say to me it's a lot it's very hard it's a big it's hey so who are you telling it's it's so when you're

cheeky to me it's so hard everything but honestly it works so much because then it's just boring and they're not getting the reaction whereas what do they want they want her attention they just want to feel loved this mom obviously loves her kid she's really worried but like i think unfortunately she's going to have to be the one who falls in on some of her own beliefs just for a little while until she gets him back on track because he's feeling pushed away whether she knows it or not yeah but what about this okay the when he's disrespectful to her if i'm going to take her side here for a minute not that there is sides there's just a family situation yeah but if i'm just gonna have her back here maybe the thing to talk about their husband is if if the kids talk to you a certain way

i'm in yeah to say you don't speak to you yeah i think that's brilliant but i just don't get the impression that she's in a relationship where she can talk to her husband like i feel like he is he's like she said in that email right he goes out of his way to point out when she's doing it wrong yeah but this is what i mean about the united front yeah they sound like this is what i mean as the center of this it's like you're always suggesting we need a family meeting with the rules or breakdown and she's tried to do that i think she needs a a drink with her partner where they go look whatever about you and me not getting on, our relationship as parents to these kids needs to be a united front.

I mean, it's a great idea. You just feel pie in the sky. Well, I mean, I just don't want to encourage, I don't know what this relationship is like. And if she feels that that's an option for her, great. But if that's too scary an option, I'm not going to encourage her to do that if she can't do that you're saying to just peel it back a little bit and try and find the things that make her yeah want to jump in with price well i feel like don't focus on the behavior just yet okay that seems to be out of your hands because you don't have the help focus on building a

relationship with your child focus on making happy lovely memories doing nice stuff together and being a bit kinder to him you know i'm sure she's very kind mom but just making a little bit more effort because he's leaning towards daddy for a reason he's getting something and if that if maybe he just needs a bit of praise and encouragement at the moment like i get it i'm not into over praising either but there's ways to do it that are better than what daddy's doing does this tie it all back into any of the replies you received this week because this is advice that you've echoed in previous episodes yeah like you know it's hard jarley because we get a lot of emails. Like, this one almost

allowed us to read it out, but most of the time when we get emails that deal with actual relationships, they're like, please don't read this out on the show. Yeah, it's too personal. And then when I go back to them,

like, you know, those relationships are falling apart. So, like, it's very hard to give advice for the kids because I'm like... Maybe we should get somebody on.

That's not a bad idea someone who's able to help parents get back on track that they're they're like they're not development people they're actually relationship people that is we could do a crossover yeah it's so over my head like i don't know how to get people back on track i mean our relationship is in tatters. Huh? Jerry, is it your break? Guys, this is just like thin ice. So that side of this we cannot advise on. But I hope that helps this mom. And as we say, we'll

always come back with more. It's not the end. I'm really grateful that mom got in touch but I feel like the problem is it's not really the kids. There's an unhappiness there. Yeah. And I'm... One step at a time.

Yeah, I would come in with a strategy for it but I think what's more important than getting this kid's behaviour is actually, you know, getting this kid to want to hug his mom and be nice to him. Exactly. Okay. Jarentina, I need your help. I am at my wits end and I'm turning to you guys for advice.

My daughter is going to be 14 in a few weeks and for about six months now, she's been in constant trouble. Running away to party, being suspended from school, stealing, wrecking my car. Holy shit. Oh my God, I've never ever got an email like this. The list goes on. I've decided to not throw her a birthday party, but still just do a family dinner. My mom tells me I'm cruel and narcissistic. Whoa, it's a big word to throw in there. By not throwing her a party, I just feel rewarding with presents and friends is not the right thing to do with all she has been doing. Things escalated this weekend. While telling her she wasn't allowed to have a party, she hit me. Oh God. Things are officially out of control and I need some help.

Oh my god, that's so hard. This is an email we got. This person thinks that we're going to be able to help. I hate your job. Like, first of all,

I'm so sorry this person's first of all, I'm so sorry this person's going through this, but we're not the people to answer this question. This is fucked. Well, I mean, of course we can help a bit, but like, it's scary. Well, not we. I don't, I'm not, I'm no help here. Look, I

think straight away. I'm screwing up all the time. Just to be clear, during the week I needed help with his homework. I was given five minutes to help him. And by the end of it, he was in tears going, Daddy, what are you talking about? I had to come in and say, OK, Gerard, thanks for helping. And then when Gerard left the room, I was like, Mikey, Daddy just didn't know what he was talking about. I was like, Daddy didn't know what he was talking about.

That's what he said. He's an idiot. And Mikey was like, phew, because I thought I learned it wrong. I was like, no, Daddy just doesn't have a clue. But like when people come to you with that kind of an email, like, I just don't know how you handle this pressure of being able to answer somebody with this. It is pressure. You've seen kids that are punching answer somebody with this. Well, it is pressure. You've seen kids that are punching their parents. Yeah.

Yeah, I have. It's just an escalated thing now at this age. Well, it's... Wrecking our car? I know. It is a lot because, I mean... Is there a birthday party for wrecking your car? It's so easy before the age of six to change patterns of behavior.

Before the age of six is an amazing window where you, if your child is up to stuff that you don't like, you can reprogram it, you know, just by sticking to a plan. But this is hard. This is a 14, out of control girl who seems very

angry. I just don't think it's ever a good idea to cancel a birthday party. Is that just in life in general or just on a kid? On a kid. I mean they're going to remember that. I disagree. I don't agree with you. Here's why I disagree.

There has to be limits. We set fire to the house. There's no birthday party. Yeah, okay. We're still doing your party tomorrow. We'll find a house. True. Tina, you have to cancel the birthday party.

I'm sorry. I don't know because... Birthday parties are rewards. Yeah, I know she said that, but I really feel like this... Her daughter is very unhappy. Right. She's not acting out for the crack. She's acting out and she's unhappy.

So why not? happy right like she's not acting out for the crack she's acting out and she's unhappy so why not i think this mom i don't know how i would figure this out because i would be so sad if that was my child and i'd be angry and i'd be frustrated but if i'm able to step back i'm gonna think my child's really unhappy what is going on something's going. Make an appointment with their year head at their school. Go in and talk about, well, how is she behaving at school? Have you noticed anything different? And actually sit down with your daughter, you know, carve out some time. It's very like the other question, really. And bring that daughter out and have a chat over dinner. Treat her a bit more like a grown up, You know, you know,

offer her the respect of being like, let's go out for dinner and have a talk about this and, you know, try and just listen because something is very not right here.

You know, I mean, she ruined her car. She hit her mom. Taking her out for dinner. Like, she's just as likely to say, you think taking me for dinner

is going to make us pals you're a bitch to me there's nothing more terrifying than a 14 year old girl tell me about it I dated a few of them that's not a funny joke just to be clear I was 14 at the time

that's what I'm saying guys it's just saying I was a very good enough kid I think but I was still not the time. That's what I'm saying, guys. It's just saying. I was a very good enough kid, I think, but I was still not a nice 14-year-old. Lethal. That's why Derry Girls is so amazing. Oh, yeah. Because it really captures just like how strong those young women are. And bananas.

And volatile. Yeah. Right? Yeah. She's dealing with a level of volatility. Yeah, she needs help. Yeah. She needs to go to Jigsaw. Yeah. She needs dealing with a level of volatility. Yeah. She needs help. Yeah. She needs to go to Jigsaw.

Yeah. She needs to get put her name down for counselling. She needs to get the counsellor. I mean there are chaplains now

and counsellors in every school. You need to get in quick now. You need help. Yeah. Your daughter is angry and you need

some professional guidance here because I mean I don't know I think I would never stop crying if my child hit me. She assaulted her mum. Yeah. I mean how do you forgive that? I mean and it happens. I think I would never stop crying if my child hit me she assaulted her

mom yeah I mean how do you forgive that I mean and it happened I remember a kid assaulting his dad that I knew I knew yeah one kid when I was in school and he punched his dad in the guts and like the dad was on the floor and he was kicking him. I heard this story. Oh my God. And from a good source. That's horrendous. And I mean, what's mad is, like, just for this mom, that kid has gone on to be like a really well-respected academic.

Yeah. This is going to work out. Yeah, I think when they're teenagers, it can be really rough. It can be really rough. can be really rough and like you know i'd hope that she regretted it the child but like that mom needs extra help this is way above what i can offer i'm too afraid is always where we direct people and way ahead therapy yes oh jen she's a former guest of the show.

Now, she specializes with teenagers. This show is centered around early years and up through to... Yeah, we're gradually becoming more... More teenagers. We're getting lots more teenager questions in. Yeah, but like, you need a specialist there, right? And even if you pick up the phone and ring Jen Tretjik at Wayaheadtherapy, she will take the call. Yeah.

You'll at least get to talk to an expert. It's like literally going to a mechanic about your specific make and model of car. You need an Audi person. And it's hard as parents to take in that, you know, because we're so in the awfulness of the outbursts and the... The black eye you've got. That, you know, your kid is going through something and they need help. Yeah. And you're the easiest person to take it out on. And they clearly can't talk to you about it.

They clearly can't for whatever reason. So don't be afraid to get the help. They may be massively grateful if you turn around and go, listen, I get you can't hold to me. Yeah. But I have someone that you can talk to in complete confidence. Yeah, that's what I think. And they will lose their job if they ever tell me what it is. Yeah, exactly.

But I just think cancelling the party, I'm just not for that. I think there has to be something else. Yeah, maybe the third way is to scale back the party. Yeah, something like that. It's like, you know, you did assault me. And you could say, like, I never want you to not have a birthday party, but I need you to know that I'm really upset about what happened.

And there has to be a consequence. Because I don't want to be that mom who takes your birthday away. I want more detail on the wrecking of the car. I know. Like, did she actually, she couldn't have? Driven it? I don't know. I mean, it's the hardest email we've ever gotten. Yeah. And all I can say is that, you know, this poor mom, I can't imagine what I'd like to put up with.

But also that child is hurting and she needs extra help. But also there's a lot of people out there to help you. Yes. And that was why my first reaction was, the fuck are you emailing us for? I hope that someday you can laugh about this. And I hope we haven't annoyed you with our answer. But Tina, the two things that you've suggested, onejigsaw.ie, twowayaheadtherapy.ie and Jen Tretchick. Yeah.

Both of those are going to have answers and responses for this person, this mom. And if you're in a similar situation where you're going, oh, my God, my sister is having the same problem with her kid. Yeah. Like, let's be honest. is very common yes the absolute rebellion of teenagers more now that you know like there's hormones at play here you know there's things that the child is probably feeling a bit out of control too yeah and, they've come through a few years of absolute insanity that we will never fully wrap our brains around.

Yeah, all these pandemic kids. Having all of the unfairness of the world and what they've lived through. Having to stay in their house when they should be now with their friends. Everyone is weirder

than they ever were because of those three years. Of course our kids are going to be acting weirder than we remember it being. Literally pulled years of their life. And everyone has just acted

so differently by it. Like I feel like where we're living right now, these people in this community weren't really affected by the pandemic because they weren't living in a town or a city.

I think... They're very much in their own... Own bubbles here. And their own... weren't really affected by the pandemic because they weren't living in a town or a city. They're very much in their own castle. Their own bubbles here and their own parks because everyone's a farmer around here. They weren't infected in certain ways. Yeah, of course, of course. But they didn't have the, you know, there was children who couldn't leave their apartment.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, we won't know what that did to those kids. And maybe that's one of the things your daughter needs to talk about. Maybe it's just the grieving process for those years. Yeah. I want you to get in touch with the show, Honey, You're Ruining Your Kid at gmail.com if you're in a similar situation.

And most of all, if you've found something that works. Yeah. Let's pull this information and remember that no one is in it alone okay final question of the day guys charlotte and tina we love your show so much my husband and i listen to it together and we always feel like we're ready to face the week after catching up with you guys okay thank you so much for that have you got any advice on moving countries we definitely do with a teen okay right tween was what we moved with we'd be returning to the country we called home for 12 years so my child still has friends and some family there but doesn't want to leave

their peers in the uk he doesn't want like that we didn't have that well we didn't have that vocally i think he just didn't tell us they're 15 years old and has been at the same school since we moved to the uk two years ago so hard to know how badly this will affect them and how we can make the transition smoother and less painful for them. Any advice would be appreciated. Well, we can tell you what not to do. Yeah, yeah. A few ideas.

Yeah. We moved our son back to Ireland the same day he finished primary school in England. I mean, what? What were we thinking? Even when we say it. I mean, it wasn't just upsetting for him. It was so upsetting for the rest of the kids in his class. I mean, when we say they cried on the last day of school,

those kids cried for, what, five hours straight? What it did was it made, just for the... The worst parenting we've ever done. So, you know, you can't get it more wrong than we got. We got it so wrong. So it made all the kids in the class realize that it's the end yeah whereas they would have been like we'll see you guys we're going down to the park tomorrow we're all gonna hang out yeah he's gone yeah we're not gonna see him yeah

it was they were finishing school but on top of that they were like and we're not they were such a tight bunch of kids oh my god it was awful like all of us as parents were standing around going what are we gonna do eventually the school was like you guys you gotta get out we need to go home to our houses lads it was like i've seen i've seen funerals with last years oh my god then we had to go straight to the airport still crying like our child never cries oh my god crying on the play home straight to the airport. Still crying. Like our child never cries. Oh my God. Crying on the play home.

Maturing to the airport. Oh my God. It was awful. We got it so wrong. So let's see. What would we have done differently? I definitely think we'd prepared him enough. Well, focus on this kid first, right?

So that's what I mean. I was going to say, definitely keep chatting about it. Yeah. Talking about it. First and foremost, that is what I mean. I was going to say, definitely keep chatting about it. Yes. Talking about it. First and foremost, that is it. Yeah. If you're going, well, we'll jump in when we come to it. Yeah, yeah.

That batshit. Yeah, that's there. And also tell them, like, I mean, I was in that age. I was younger. But, like, I mean, I moved countries as a kid and didn't even know it was happening. I wasn't that age. I was younger. But like, I mean, I moved countries as a kid and didn't even know it was happening.

Well, this is a big thing for you with all of the expected behavior from children. You're always harping on. I'm a cheeky, cheeky darling. I was going to say banging on, but then harping is a better term. But Tina does reiterate it again and again. You can't expect a behavior from a kid that you haven't told them about. Yeah, or shown them or just, yeah, keep them informed. Never say thank you. You never told them they need to say thank you.

Yeah, absolutely. So if you want your kid to adjust to this and be ready to adjust to this, I think you need to walk them through every detail. Yeah, and you can understand why this kid's going to be anxious. He's going to have to start secondary school in the middle of secondary school. I mean, that's very tough if he's had all his secondary school there. Like, here's the other thing, the other positive, right? Your kid's going to go through an upheaval yeah don't kid yourself into thinking it's not gonna be upheaval it sounds like they're well

aware yeah it's not gonna be right so you've got to know in your heart this is gonna make them stronger it is gonna make them stronger but definitely I think you're right. You've got to keep the communication open at all times because it's going to be tough for them. It's going to be way tougher for them than it is going to be you. And then in the way it's going to be tough for you is you're going to be worrying about them nonstop until you feel like they've settled.

But like he does have a grounding in Ireland, it seems, or wherever they're moving, I presume it's Ireland. And so at least he knows people and familiar faces. And those people will actually be excited to have that kid back. That's a nice thing. So the concern is the friends. Yeah. And they've said that the child doesn't want to go, right?

Yeah, that stuff. But at least he's telling them. They're 15 and they don't want to leave right yeah that's tough um but at least he's telling them they're 15 um they don't want to leave their peers yeah so the first thing i would say there is you need to plan the first trip back yeah like and that is that's on the horizon it's like but i'm gonna be back and forth and also technology is amazing like whats WhatsApp video and everything has made it that these kids can stay in touch. That's all true. That's all true. But without the planned reunion, there is the sense that it's over.

I will say that, but you'll never come back. You're right. It's very important. And that will settle him because then you pop it up on the calendar. When are you going to be back over there? When are you going to see your friends? And and all of a sudden it's like really exciting yeah and the other thing is like maybe maybe it's uh my own cynicism here but once they go back and they've moved on a bit you you've got to you've got to be aware they're not going to

think it was as great as it was it will lose some of its shine because life is going to be better back home you your job is to create a life that's better for them there that they won't be crying into their pillow the whole time you're going to fill their life with great stuff and the visit back don't think that's going to set them back this is my point yeah there's some people be that's going to set them back. This is my point. Yeah. That some people will be like, I couldn't bring them back because it'll just bring them back to the sadness of leaving again. No. If anything, the real lovely bit of this is that when your kid goes back over, they're going, it's going to be a novelty. It's going to be cool. Yeah.

Your exotic bird coming to visit again yeah the the year gets broken up into the visits and maybe maybe the visits become more sporadic but i'm just saying that those visits become much cooler than just another weekend yeah and also the those lovely friends that they've made will come visit them they're old enough to fly now and everything and i mean it isn't that hard to do right so that's two things right talk them through it meticulously yeah what's gonna happen how it's gonna happen yeah and don't pretend it's not going to be hard because that diminishes their feelings because it is going to be hard you're asking them to do something that is a hard thing to do so be gentle and nice to them one of the things tina did right so the second thing was to establish

when the reunion date is when you're flying back over you're gonna need to go back over to tie up loose ends anyway yeah so plan that make it fun but one of the things tina did when we came back was and this was actually advised to us we got this advice on irishman abroad from a guy who specializes in helping people move back to ireland oh yeah i have to find his name and link him in the bio because he could be a really big help to this family was get a visual calendar on the wall yes you have to with fun things to look locked in yeah to each week and that visit up there too yeah so they can picture it they can see it coming yeah absolutely so then there's not just the visit You're never too old for a visual calendar.

Never. You're never too old. I'm looking at one right now. Yeah, you are never too old. So don't think it's not a cool thing to put in your teenager's room. You put it in the kitchen. Yeah, no one's too old for that. Yeah.

And honestly, having that full with the highlights. Do you remember? Like some of the highlights were simply a drive to Scarys. Yeah. For dinner. I'd love to do that today. Let's do it do it i mean it is uh like wherever country this people these people are moving back to i will tell you the

rediscovery of home brings a lump to my throat and also remembering to thank them along that journey for doing it and being understanding because they are they are like he is expressing the fact that he doesn't want to but he's going to end up doing it anyway so remember to be nice to him about it the thing is that uh some of your worry is yours yes it's not theirs i know that you're hearing all of this feedback, but you're concerned because you're worried about your own transition. Look, moving is so hard. Moving countries. It's going to take two years.

It's a fucking nightmare. It's going to take two years. We're not even there yet. We're here a year. We're not there yet. So I would say lengthen your timeline in thinking. Yes. Don't be like, by Christmas it'll all be fine.

It's not. We have to stop doing that. And actually it was a gorgeous friend, our friend Lynn from Cork, who said to me, you've got to stop thinking every day, did we do the right thing? You have to spread it out and go, okay, in a few weeks time I'm going to think about this, but not now. Because you will drive yourself crazy. Because it is your kids you end up worrying about. I would say two years. Where's my ring gone?

I just realised. Your wedding ring I saw by the bed this morning i think i threw it last night that's not funny jarlett saw so much weight while training for this marathon that his wedding ring keeps falling off i really haven't you have you're skinny but that timeline right that thing like the marathon was a long-term goal that got spread across a year yeah so when we say highlights in the calendar like i started projects with mikey when we got back yeah that we're going to build to something we've got to be building we're on our way to a better thing and honestly this is probably advice that can apply to all of our kids is stop being so and right away we've got that and that is the amazon prime environment

that we live in you see it you want it it's arriving at the house tomorrow actually establishing some sort of projects that are going to be built over time. Yeah. To look forward to something awesome. Keeps the mind busy, keeps him focused on something. It's deferred gratification. And the deferred gratification of moving home is, and I will tell you this from experience, in a year, it's going to feel amazing. Yeah.

And I'd imagine that two years is is the sweet spot like we were told two years yeah like i mean so long we're just forever grateful to be back in ireland forever grateful it's just an amazing place to raise a child i think it is and it's but it's not for everyone no it's not fair it's just not and at the moment i get that you guys are telling these people because we were very aware it is if it doesn't work you can always go back yeah well hopefully yeah hopefully you're in a position to do that yeah uh but uh i'm massively grateful that these people sent this email really unusual emails this week yeah i know thank you so much for sending them um that's it for the free version of the podcast you want to come over to patreon you want to support what we're doing here

at the moment uh we've got a bunch of extra things over there including if you're a runner a whole load of marathon prep stuff the dublin city marathon is next sunday i can't believe it you talk about long-term projects this is the best spectator sport in the world come to the dublin city marathon next sunday if you can get to i would recommend the old schoolhouse uh yeah that's the run in the 26th mile that's the spot where people are going crazy and where we runners need you the most yeah jarlett really wants people shouting his name yeah i love people cheering for me yeah um we've got a ton more to get through over on patreon you get a bonus extra length episode over there as well as bonus episodes access to our full archive and lots

lots more tina thank you so much for this get on the instagram as well lads uh there's a honey you're in your kid instagram where tina is going to be popping up nuggets of her tips from this week onwards where you want a bite-sized chunk of tina's tips um tina's tips get your tips out Tina on Instagram and you you can share it or do what you want with it or even just have it

to hand we're talking about de-escalating tantrums all sorts it's all going to be there on the Instagram for honey you're running your kid

and if you just want a break from stuff you just want to laugh at shit that's what my Instagram is for come on over and we'll see the rest of you

on Patreon in a bit. Thanks, Dina. Thanks, Charlie.