Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Parenting Life Hacks, Neurodiversity & Sleeping Routine Restoration S2 Ep17

Episode Date: January 15, 2024

We open the show talking about Tina’s time on the Pat Kenny show this week. With school refusal being such a huge problem, what are parents supposed to do and how are schools able to help? If you need help with this or anything like this email is at [e-mail]. Question 1- Teenage life is incredibly hard to navigate. Trying not to keep your child close and not lose them completely during those years is all consuming. This week an exhausted mother gets in touch in need of an intervention with her rebellious teenage daughter. It’s Jarlath who has the advice this lady needs this week. Introducing her to an incredible book that has changed his approach to parenting. As always we recommend checking out Jigsaw.ie.  A free online parenting resource available to all. Question 2 -If your child is aggressive and struggling at school how do you decipher whether they are just misbehaving or if they have additional needs? We try our best to point this parent in the direction of the avenues they need to go down for help. Question 3- Sleep deprivation is no joke. This week a family gets in touch about their three year old's sleep regression. After going on a cosy holiday where all the rules when out the window, they are now home and really struggling to get their toddler to sleep in his own bed. Is it possible to get him back on track? Tune in and follow our few simple steps to getting your child to sleep in their own bed again. For more pop on over to Patreon to hear the extra bits. Jarlath Regan | creating Irishman Abroad Podcasts | Patreon Thank you so much for tuning in. Please spread the word if you can. Don’t forget to subscribe, listen and share. 

If your kid comes to you and says, I think I'm terrible at a thing. And if your kid is only, I don't know, a toddler when they say this. Should you agree with them and say, yeah, you are. Don't be so hard on yourself. That's the advice I've been giving people for a good five years. Don't you dare claim that advice. You do a joke about it, but that was my moment with Nike. I mean, it was the most I've ever gotten through to our son in our full life.

Not my proudest moment. We'll explain the whole thing later on in the show. Coming up today on Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, we have three superb questions from three very honest and giving listeners. And of course, we've got a whole bunch of extra stuff over on Patreon.com forward slash

Irishmanabroad. The way that we support and make this show is through you guys being ultrasound coming over and getting a little bit more over there. Tina, really busy week. You're in with Pat Kenny on News Talk. I was.

Talking about absenteeism in school. Like, obviously, people are having difficulty getting themselves out of the house. Of course, you're going to have difficulty getting your kids out of the house. We know from doing this show and getting all these emails in, and it's a huge problem for kids

and that Pat Kenny show, Not In Touch, specifically, it's so hard to say that now. It was a piece in the paper in the Sunday Times about how this is a huge problem now because kids are not wanting to go.

Kids just not wanting to go. Not kids who have additional needs, just kids who have decided I don't really want to go to school. And parents who are in a tricky situation where they can't actually get their kids. So it's quite a specific article, but about a big number of kids with no reason other than I don't want to go to school. Absolutely. Not going to school.

Yeah. So I was like, yeah, I actually have seen this. I've lived this experience. So when Pat invited me on, I have been shy about accepting those invitations because Charlotte knows I am very nervous on the radio. I find on the radio. Radio is terrifying. Radio is just the liveness. But the thing that Tina told me about this that I wasn't aware of was I was aware of the school that she was working. It was a school that we sent Mikey to in the UK and I didn't know that if a kid didn't show up for school that that school

would send somebody from school rent the house to help the parent get the kid out the door yeah like Mikey's school was very low in resources I mean sometimes you're in England you're startled at the difference of the way the schools are equipped there and then here. Like when he came home to the school he went to here, I was like, holy crap, the school is space age compared to the school he was in. But what they did spend all their money on was extra adults in the classroom. And that is a resource that is just, I mean, you are spoiling your kids. Like that is the best resource you can put in the classroom is another grown-up. So there was, they didn't just put one extra grown-up.

Most classrooms had two extra grown-ups in, which meant that there would be two qualified teachers and a teaching assistant. And that most days, if there was a parent struggling, the principal could ask someone to go and help that parent. And it was amazing because all they needed was that extra bit of support. But what happened to me this week was... Wait, wait, wait. When they would send someone around the house,

I would automatically assume based on my knowledge of Irish pride, that we're like, no, everything's fine. I mean, we were just about to leave, actually. Look, he's in his uniform. Get your fucking... Instead, in England, they're like, Actually, look, he's in his uniform.

Instead, in England, they're like, thank God you're here. He will not listen to me. Honestly, I think I miss that about England the most. It made us really strong in our straightness too. I'm definitely a much stronger female from living in England for 10 years. We definitely don't mind telling people. No, now I'm like, actually, I'm not going to apologize for that. I don't want to do that. So don't talk to me like that.

It really did make me strong. You're making us sound one way, but really it's the manifestation of this that I see is that when we went to England, somebody said, will we make up a bed for you to sleep on? Obviously, you're staying here tonight. We go, oh, no, Jesus Christ, don't mind me. I'll sleep on the floor. Yeah.

Is that what you'd like to? I'm perfectly happy on the floor. Thank you. Yeah. And they were right. Well, OK, then I guess you're sleeping on the floor. Whereas now you're like, yeah, a bed would be great. Yes, that is.

And like, that's just normal. That's fine. Absolutely. Like going to a mom's house and they'd be like, do you want a cup of tea? And you'd say, no, no, it's cool. And then you'd be there for three hours and you would never get up again.

Yeah, absolutely. It made you think about what you say a little bit more. So you're straight and, you know, you were straight with Pat Kenny on this thing and they're going on the radio was like, yeah, I'll definitely talk about absenteeism because you had a little bit more. So you're straight and you were straight with Pat Kenny on this thing and going on the radio was like, I'll definitely talk about absenteeism

because you had lived experience of this big group of general kids, not special needs kids, which is obviously your area of expertise. But you'd seen

this vast problem in England, getting them out the door, literally going, I don't want to go. Yeah. And parents who just could not get their kids. So you went in, I was there, I was out in the lobby listening on the radio. It went so well.

I was really happy because I find that really, really hard to do. But because it was so focused on this article and the particular piece of writing, I was really happy because I was like, OK, I got this. And it was also about taking your kids out of school as well. Like a lot of the discussion was around, is it OK to take your kids out of school so that you can get a cheap holiday? Yeah. And I was saying that, you know, we are in an age where that is available to you because children can learn remotely. And I was just saying personally, if i was doing that i would do it in uh june rather than september so the friendships don't get interrupted but also you talked about something that a lot of people aren't aware of around the world is that you get fined in england

oh yeah if you go i'm taking my kid out to go to this match yeah they'll They'll go, well... For me, it was my auntie's funeral. And they were like, but he's not a close enough relation to miss a day of school. You didn't get fined. No, I did. But he did get an unauthorized absence that day. And that, look,

that was part of the discussion. Yeah. And I always think with these general discussions about a broad swathe of the population that there must be people who feel like we're talking about this but we're not mentioning these other kids yeah so it's the first time i came out thinking i did okay but um i do still think i did okay in terms of i went on i spoke

about what i was asked to speak about 100 but unfortunately there was a group of neurodiverse parents who were a little bit put out that I never mentioned their kid and you had one person just to be clear it wasn't a gang one person got in touch to say that you didn't talk about neurodiverse kids and I felt terrible because while it wasn't part of the article i did feel bad because that's my background yeah but the only reason like it would have just taken a moment for me to be fair to like obviously this what i'm talking about does not apply to children who have neurodiverse needs because every child is so individual in that case and they all have their own plan but they all have their own way but the piece wasn't about that no and i

i was so nervous on the radio i was not even thinking like i i will hopefully get better in a life situation but in that moment i was just like okay remember the article stick to that whereas you know with experience i'd imagine i'd be a lot looser and i would think about but you know you can only answer the questions you're asked yeah and pat's first question to you was is it okay to take your kid out of school for holidays? Yeah. Are you meant to then go, Pat, I just want to note neurodiverse? Well, no, I think where I could have noted neurodiverse was when I mentioned the confusion about gender parenting.

And this is what upset that lady, to be honest and how i said yeah explain this because you you maintain that in your lived experience in england that an awful lot of these parents were actually just scared to upset their kid yeah they were really really trying to give their child what they thought was a better life than they had had and with that there a confusion grew between what is how is it okay to um i'm not using the word punish but install consequences for your child's behavior how do you manage the child's behavior boundaries boundaries rules and those parents struggled and found themselves in a situation where there was no rules in the house there was no boundaries and now their kid didn't respect their voice yeah and they don't know where they stand they don't know where they stand and the poor parent who is really trying to offer this

open free space with their kid backfiring on them in a way they never thought and they they are so stressed out so that's what i was talking about whereas completely that does not apply if your child has additional needs. Sure. You will have a daily plan of action on how to get your kids to school. But those parents feel attacked when... They feel forgotten. Well, no, I mean, they feel when someone says, they are triggered when someone says, ah, you're just going too easy because they probably have relatives who are going,

what he needs could kick up the arse and you're like actually that's the opposite of what he needs yeah and anytime someone brings up the confusion over gentle parenting they feel singled out and lumped in when in fact well yeah you were not talking about Yeah, she felt completely lumped into what I was talking about. Whereas I felt terrible because I wasn't even thinking about that because that was not in the article and that was not what they asked me to come on and talk about. But it would have taken a moment.

Sure. And it's a lesson I've learned. But also, it's not the last time you're going to be on the radio. So I want to talk more about neurodiverse kids because I even think that as we say it i'd imagine quite a few of our listeners are going what does that mean yeah so later on in the show we're gonna cover more on that but we do need to get into our first question remember right in the thick of it ourselves with these teenage kids and if you're with a toddler or with a kid younger than that

it's all out of you so it might actually make you feel better about the challenges that you're facing yeah to hear a question from the parent of a teenager today jarlet and teen i desperately need your help my 12 year old daughter is so full of anger and bitterness all i do is love her and try and help her to succeed at school and in life in general yeah that's obviously the way you you see it that's not the way they see it's terrible why does she hate me is the question this listener is asking i feel like i'm at the end of my tether i feel like i I'm losing her. I don't know what to do. Nothing is working. I need help to navigate this upcoming teenage stage.

Yeah. Any advice would be amazing. I mean, this must be the most common feeling. Yes, I'd imagine so. They're very brave to get in touch and tell us about it because you feel like you're the fault of the problem oh look you know how much i have yearned for a little tiny mini tina like i assume if we ever have a girl it'll be a tiny version of me and i don't know why that's the best thing that could ever happen i'm joking i'm joking a tiny jarlet in female form oh god but amped up with no apologies so funny but um it's only now that

i'm facing into the teenage years that i often think oh my god when i was lucky enough to have one child thank god it was boys because it's so hard like it's i cannot imagine how stressful it is to be a mother of a preteen and teenage girl. The amount of changes that are happening in your little girl's body. The amount of how out of control you feel. I still remember those feelings myself. I remember the rage. I remember stomping up the stairs.

I remember regretting everything straight away. But I still did it. And I was actually a good enough kid it just doesn't sound that different to what i'm experiencing with you right now i have to say that it's true because i'm nearly full circle back to being 12 again in that i'm perimenopausal now and i find i'm just as out of control the few days before i get my period as I was when I was a teenager. I think about like smashing Jared's head off the wall sometimes. I have a joke in the current show, which is that if your wife is criticizing herself, don't join in. But if she's criticizing you, get the fuck on board.

This is definitely one of those times. We're joking, we're joking, but we're not joking when it comes to this poor mom and the poor daughter because there's two people here who are feeling a lot of a lot of stuff like the mom is mourning her baby she's mourning the tiny little cutie pie girl who just did everything she said and wanted to be with her mom all the time she's having to get used to this independent young girl who feels like she's becoming a woman and you know wants to be on her own and succeed and it's very hard like that that rejection from your kids when they're teenagers is very hard to take as a mother i think i have no clue i'd answer this question because to me

it's as much about respect as it is about parenting that like you're going to lose her if you don't allow her to go. Yeah, you know, that's contradictory in itself. You've been eating books about teenagers at the moment. Yeah, I'm absolutely hammering through these books because I just... The best bit of advice you gave me with Mikey, because we struggled to get him to talk. This is good. And I do think this will help this mom as well,

is that when she comes to you and she's full of, like, all this emotion and the way she's speaking to you, that you actually don't engage or turn fix you just do uh yeah you do you don't this is what i've been reading yeah the first place you go is to make sounds yeah to actually not say words like say right so that makes them not feel interrupted isn't it yeah that you're going that they're not getting an immediate like they come to you and they go and this girl's a bitch and she's mean and i hate her now it's like a restaurant yesterday yeah you know right yeah now this is only the first step of what i'm reading but it is working i've seen it yeah

it is amazing it's actually amazing because it draws them to their own conclusion even just like do you guys watch me only do this a couple of times themselves dan and then you go one of the other things is you give them the perfect worldism yeah Yeah. And you want a friend who you can rely on. Yeah. And they're like, yeah. Yeah. You want your friends to be someone who is there for you and won't talk behind your back. And I guess that's how you are yeah and what's weird is they like i've only done this a couple

of times and one of them was on a complaint around a piece of homework yeah it was amazing to watch because darla had taught taught me the technique during the day because i'm struggling more than darla is with the teenage years yeah because i'm very much missed the baby stage of needing his mommy and thinking i'm great now he's just like he was complaining this piece of homework was just an absolute nightmare and i'm just looking at him going the fuck are you talking about you barely get homework compared to what i used to get yeah i was like you've got this one piece of homework that is admittedly going to take up a bit of time but you bloody got google translate what what are you talking about you've got a laptop to do this work on these are

all the things i wanted to say it was like stop whinging yeah do it if you spend as much time doing it as you do whinging it'll be done but instead i used technique, which was to go, right. And that's going to take up a lot of your time. So you actually, you put it in facts. That's the other thing. So there's the sounds, there's the putting it in facts, and then there's the putting it in perfect world. So putting in facts, I'm like, and this is way more time consuming than your other homework.

Yeah, and it's very much like the de-escalation script we use when they're in a temper, except this time it's more of an empathy script. Yeah, so this is how it played out. And I went, I bet if you were the teacher, you'd never give homework like this. What would you do if you were a teacher? How would you like to? And then he goes into, I do work that isn't, you know,

some stupid PowerPoint presentation that I'm meant to be making that is engaging. And I'm like, maybe that's how she sees this. And he's like, I get, he actually said the sentence, i guess there's just some tough things that you've got to get through i couldn't believe it like my head my head was turning because what normally happens is we have you guys don't get it this is loads of homework and you think

it's only so busy yeah i'm such a busy guy and i'm tired and my time is running and i was like i was like this is like a miracle it was like a jedi mind trick it was amazing and i was and i'll give you the name of the book that it comes from so that you can ask you that because it's listen to it for yourself incredible ladies right it's those people well they've they've written a series of books uh bestsellers and you can also listen to their podcast if you don't have, they podcast their books, right? Yeah, well, I listen to the audiobook. Oh, is that the audiobook? Okay, sorry.

How to Talk So Teens How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk. I mean, that's the book.

For me, there's a lady who don't know the ins and outs of your situation, but I can tell you right now. Yeah, that book is amazing. Get that book in your life and just watch the worm turn. What's amazing about that book is you're listening to it and you're going, oh, yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah. Some of you are rubbing your head going, how am I not doing this? But also the other thing I would tell this lady is go on to jigsaw.ie. There are so many resources on there available. It's all free. It's all free. There's now a jigsaw in nearly every town. Make use of these resources.

They're there to help you. Yeah, shout out jigsaw.ie. And you will get through this. You will. It will pass. But while you're in it, it's really hard. So go easy on yourself. Treat yourself to this book.

Get it on audio. It's much easier to listen to. And check out jigsaw really helpful resource dina and jarlet i need your help i am in need of support and advice right now i'm at my wits end my daughter who is six is currently waiting for her adhd assessment we have her first appointment next month and her behaviour is greatly affecting my own mental health. I collected from school today and I was pulled by the teacher saying she punched and kicked three different kids today. When I asked her about why she did it all,

she said, I don't know. I've made a list of all the issues I'm having. I hope you guys will be able to help me. Here we go with the list. Whenever I or her dad speak to her when she's not ready to receive it, she'll shout, stop. And the same when we try to discipline her. Number two, she's never still. Even at bedtime, her feet are moving constantly. Number three, she doesn't like to be alone, especially at bedtime. Number four, she's very picky with food, texture issues, maybe. Number five, she keeps saying her friends at school are mean, but I'm thinking maybe they don't want to do what she wants to do,

and she perceives it that way. Number seven, she's so angry constantly, like all the time. Number eight, she speaks like a baby all the time. And number nine, she'd rather stand and wee in her nighttime pull up than use the toilet. She's so snappy with everyone all the time she has hit me a couple of times and i'm beginning to think there's more than adhd going on any advice would be massively appreciated huge fan of the show anonymous okay well that that is a lot but um first of all i think it is great that this mom is thinking outside of the box and trying to,

sorry, I hit the mic there, trying to think of loads of different things. But this is a little six-year-old little girl who sounds like she needs a lot of different help. And this mom is going to need to go to her doctor and start putting her child's name down on a lot of different waiting lists. What country is this in? Well, I think it's England. I think this is Lady UK. So I would suggest she goes to the doctor, she gets her child's name down on a waiting list for the OT.

Because to me, it screams that this child needs a sensory diet to do. There is a lot of evidence in that email to suggest... Remind us of what a sensory diet is so um children some kids find it very hard to process the energy they're feeling inside their body or and they feel very uncomfortable in themselves the whole time and it can be in different places it can be like their ears they're not processing noise the way we would their eyes or their body is just over

stimulated and really needs help they need help calming it down and a sensory diet is when you go to an ot or if you have a t if you're lucky enough to have a teacher at school who has a checklist and knows what to look for and knows what to do it should be individualized to that child and help them manage themselves help them get to a calmer place where they don't feel so out of control. Definitely sounds like this kid could do with that. Now, the mom uses the word anger, but I don't think that child is angry. I think that child is frustrated. And, you know, it's very, very tough for that child.

She needs a lot of help processing what is she actually feeling because like she must be so tired from trying to cope with all this all the time so this lady is based in the UK and in most UK schools they have this incredible resource called a SENCO in the school and the SENCO's job is just to facilitate this child's day so that it can be the you know the most successful kind of day they can have so that the senko will make sure that she gets the ot the speech therapist all these different people involved and that this child has their own individual plan uh in the classroom they have their own uh the teacher has understanding towards this child. I mean, it's very upsetting to hear that the teacher was pulling the mother aside and saying, but obviously this kid just needs extra help with their emotions.

And they probably need a visual timetable in the class. You'd hope there's already one in there so that there can be calmly knowing what's coming next throughout the day. I mean, they're supposed to incorporate these visual timetables for all the children now it's been proven to help but a sensory diet is essential here and you go over that teacher's head then and go to the principal i think you go to the teacher look at the end of the day we want these things to go as smoothly as they can so i think you go to the teacher first you ask them you say to them i'm really worried about my kid i think there's more going on here and i really need your help you if that teacher doesn't go straight to the teacher first. You ask them. You say to them, I'm really worried about my kid. I think there's more going on here and I really need your help. If that teacher doesn't go straight to the SENCO, then you go to the SENCO. Send the email to the principal and then ask for the SENCO involvement.

I hate saying this, but it's true. Don't be afraid to complain. Don't be afraid to make noise. Because the parent in your school who is complaining the most is getting the most attention. So if you're being quiet and thinking, oh, they have enough going on. I'll sleep on the floor. I'm fine. Yeah.

Honestly, the parent who is making a fuss is getting lots of help. So don't be afraid to make a fuss. That is so, so true. And we all don't want to be that person. But that parent. You're in need here. Yeah, you're in need here yeah you're in need and look what you can do while waiting for the ot and everything and all the help you

definitely need is you can try and do your own sensory exercises in your home now i would suggest getting one of those big gym bowls they're fantastic encourage your children child to do a lot of rolling on that bowl a lot of rolling on that bowl a lot pushing against that bowl a lot of sitting bouncing on that bowl i would get those nice spiky bowls you know use them sometimes yeah rollers roll find these anywhere yeah find them in a sports shop yeah and if you can't if they're quite expensive sometimes so you can just use a hairbrush as well and in the morning gently gently or if your child prefers it hard brush up and down your arm brush it's incredible uh like there's loads of different

things like stretching squeezing even getting um toothbrushes that have that are quite like those sensory rollers those gym rollers except they're in your mouth can help them not feel so frustrated i mean a lot of these kids tend to end up biting but it's not their fault because there's just so Those demerolers, except they're in your mouth, can help them not feel so frustrated. I mean, a lot of these kids tend to end up biting, but it's not their fault because there's just so much stimuli in their bodies that they really just need to get rid of it. So you're helping your child calm. You know, your teacher should know about this stuff. Your Senko definitely will. And in most schools in England, unlike ireland the senko will provide

the materials you need they will make sure that your child has one of those cushions put on their chair that helps them sit like she mentioned her child can't stop moving but she just needs help she needs to do lots of stretching and swinging i really feel sorry for this mom but the best advice i can give her is to go to the school go to your doctor get more people involved she's six now she's getting older you need to get in there fast so she gets the resources she needs does this kid come under the category of neurodiverse explain that well loop back around oh yeah well yeah she does like neurodiverse is um just it's a catch-all phrase for people who interact in the world and think a bit differently it's like some people will have a diagnosis like adhd or um will be on the autism

disorder spectrum or maybe have down syndrome they all come under the umbrella of neurodiversity but you know some people prefer to use their diagnosis or some people don't have a diagnosis but they know that there's something a little bit different about them and that they interact in a world differently they need help with certain stimuli in the environment and so it's just it really is a catch-all phrase for a group of people who interact and think yeah differently and uh and it's about understanding yeah it's about understanding and you know we're so lucky because our kids are so understanding of this and they are very aware of the fact that diversity in general yeah and who isn't neurodiverse really like we're all we're all completely different but yeah it is uh important that people

do understand that it is just primarily about the idea when you recognize that you were in that category as a parent if you're seeing this in your kid and you're probably harking back to your own childhood and thinking yeah and i was i was put out all the time well people children like this were treated terribly i can pinpoint the kids yeah from my childhood yeah who were difficult he's a difficult child well i wish i could say that what's happened now is that every school you can be confident that these children are getting the care they need but it's not true it's very much dependent on the principal and teachers in your school and like when i say to this mom go and ask for help i don't know if she's going to be if it's going to be received in a great way it really depends on

how informed is your principal how informed are these teachers how empathetic are they how much is it at the forefront of their mind that each child in their school deserves the right to meet reach their potential is it uh an absolute obligation of the school like this is the problem that some people might have of bringing it that they can then be told well this is actually your responsibility well i'm not sure about how it works here anymore because so much has changed since I was away. Like, but in England, it was very much school dependent. And I mean, we know of our friends,

very close friends who have the most gorgeous boy who were basically told by a secondary school, we don't want him. Oh, yeah. He will bring our... Our grades down. Our... What is that weird thing they have in England?

Whatever it is is the grading system they were like no no no we have a fill of those kids well i know one thing for sure from reading around it this week that there's not enough being done no and that this country is way behind that we live in as to the understanding and appreciation for the help these children need and these parents 20 years ago when i started in special ed and early years intervention there was so much available to parents i mean a lot to be honest of course parents were expected to go private but at least even then these schools were available like a lot of services are gone and how have we gone to a situation where now there's more understanding there's more

observation of these things and there's less and less service yeah it's gross and i hope this was a help to this parent if you have something along these lines don't hesitate to get in touch as we say this is where a lot of teen's background is well i do get a lot of these questions but they don't come up on the podcast because i understandably a lot of these parents want it kept private well honey you're ruining our kid at gmail.com just to remind you once again is the email address it's a pretty big week in the regan household at the moment where where tina looked into the distance what what's happening well that's because i always just think what's happening in Mikey's life. And then I go to your life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're much more thoughtful parent. I'm such a thoughtful parent. I'm just thinking about it. Yeah. And I think how this is going to affect him. I'm doing four shows. So exciting.

Sold out nights at the Three Olympia Theatre in Dublin. Yes. And everything has been building to this for about 20 years yeah I I don't know what to make of it all

it's all an awful lot happening but I it's fair to say Tina behaving a little bit strangely and it does add in to our

final question of the episode it is understandable it is a massive week for you but I'd appreciate it if you got your shit together. I went in through one tantrum. Two.

And that was in a voca. Best place for a tantrum. Two. What was the tantrum in a voca? I don't know. You pick it then. I'll just do whatever you tell me to do. Oh my God, yeah.

We're trying to pick out a birthday present and everything I suggested Tina said wasn't. You picked up one thing but still everything i suggested i didn't even say i didn't like it i just what sorry i'm making noise i'm eating a sweet so sorry yeah you suggest everything i suggested wasn't good enough and i just eventually went why don't you fucking pick it and i'll just do whatever you tell me to do and that's what a tantrum looks like in our house for me. I was so glad our son got to see that too. Yeah, but he understood. No, he didn't.

He came over and gave me a hug. Did he? Yeah. Little bollocks. He came over and gave me a hug and I was like, don't worry, mommy, he's just so stressed out. Yeah, well, I wonder is that what's going on with this final question,

that change is what unsettles your kid into behaving weirdly or well we know that getting getting um antsy or throwing tantrums i've recently got back off holiday after my three-year-old was sleeping in the same room as me now we are home and he's back to sleeping in his own room but he keeps having tantrums for me to stay in his bed with him. He will wake multiple times in the night crying for me, my husband, me and my husband to get in bed with him but it's continuous and none of us are getting sleep it's so hard whatever i say to him doesn't help because he doesn't seem to understand and gets himself in a real state he had become very clingy during the day even like sitting on the sofa to watch something i

have to sit with him and it's impossible to cook or make tea or do household stuff he's also become quite violent with smacking etc he literally doesn't care and whacks me in the face if i tell him off he will laugh at me i've tried putting him on the stairs and taking him to his room literally runs rings around me and he's a big boy. So when he hits, it hurts. And he is, when he hits, it hurts. But he is only three, right? Yeah. Yeah, okay. Three-year-olds can be big little dudes though.

Yeah, I know, but they're still babies. It's as if he's having his terrible twos, but he's completely changed. I'd appreciate if you have any advice on this or if you've been through the situation yourself all the best thanks again for the podcast anonymous i really think they should stop calling it the terrible twos because during the twos you're on high alert the whole time going oh anything anything could set them off and it is the terrible trees it is it's not the terrible trees anymore

just like the climates have gone weird so has that that's changed too but look essentially what happened here he went away on holidays and he loved the coziness of being with his parents the whole time he felt safe and now unfortunately completely not you're doing he's come back and he feels life is bollocks. He feels rejected. He's like, I want that thing I had. You didn't have to do housework on holidays. Yeah.

And I want that thing I had. I want to be with you and daddy all the time. It was amazing. I felt happy. I felt safe. And I want it now. And it is making him angry because he loved it so much. But when she says he doesn't understand, that's where she's fooled.

He totally knows what he wants. And he totally understands that he is angry because he wants to get it. Three-year-olds are my back. And three-year-olds will surprise you with how completely they have figured you out and they are working a plan. Completely. They have figured you out. And they are working a plan. I used to love circle time in my classroom.

Because. Like if this kid was in my class. You can be guaranteed he's sharing that news in circle time. You can be guaranteed he is. I punch my mom. Yeah I punch my mom in the face. And then I scream. And then I make sure they get back in the bed with me. And then I brag about this.

It's not that they brag. They're just very much telling their day. This is my news. Yeah, this is what I did last night. And I really want them on holidays. I love sleeping with my mum and dad. And now I want that to happen all the time. So it's always a good idea to go to the teacher

and just check, has he brought it up? Or could you get him to bring it up in circle time? What's his version of events? But that's not going to help in terms of getting this to stop and that's where the hard work comes in because it is going to be hard he bloody loved this but remember it only takes four days or in this case nights to break a habit now wait wait wait you haven't said this in a while just just explain that to me again well any habit like i mean well mostly with little kids but i think any habit if you're consistent and you stick to it you can break a

behavioral pattern and that was my real nav and i've been there in four days so if whether it's saying the word poo all the time. Yeah. Which is a very common problem. It's a cute phase. That's a cute, it's like the most hilarious joke. Throwing their food on the floor. Biting. Biting. Tantruming.

You can break it up, but you've got to be ready. Because you've got to be strong and ready to not react. Now, she's mentioned that she's putting him on time out and up to his room and you know he's way too young for that yeah he's completely too young for that and what i would do to advise you to do in those situations is distract you know don't react to the slap in the face distract bring him away get him doing something purposeful get him give him a sweeping brush get him to wash down the table distract him completely when he's in a calm place say to him when you hit me in the face that was really not okay that hurt mommy if he laughs at you hands are not for hurting if he laughs at you distract again because he's obviously not ready to talk about worse than you

can do is laugh as well yeah oh my god that's so confusing but in terms of the sleep okay i know that this is the hardest thing for any parent to do because they're so tired they will fold so if you're going to put a sleeping plan in place you've got to make sure that you are ready to stick to your plan and we know what you have to do he wakes up during the night he's calling for you you go in you say nothing you give him a little kiss on the head you took him up into his bed you leave he's gonna do the same thing again you say nothing this time you don't even look at him you just but you're gentle and you're kind you're there to keep him safe you took him into his bed kiss him on the head tell him you love him you go back to your bed you're kind you're there to keep him safe you took him into his bed kiss him on the head tell

him you love him you go back to your bed you're gonna have to keep doing that you're gonna have to be relentless you're gonna have to keep popping back in the bed do not talk because the minute you start speaking that's when you might lose it so just stay calm stay quiet you love your child it's okay to give them a hug the kiss on the cheek get them cozy put their teddy back under their arm leave and that won't be too much no and before they go to bed you can say things to them like um yeah definitely pepper them with oh i'm so excited this is your room this where you sleep. Or before you start the whole sleep process at all, you can revigorate the room a tiny bit.

You know, do something in the room that makes it that little bit more special for them. Get a poster for their wall. Get them a new clock. Get them a little blankie that they're going to have. Just make the room a bit better. Talk about their safe space. Talk about their bedroom.

This is their room. But definitely don't come to it until you're ready because if you if you break you're done and you're gonna have to find the time to start again you've seen this work over and over yeah and you know what the a few weeks ago one of my really lovely friends got in touch to say that she was struggling because she just had a new baby and her little girl had become clingy and she needed her a bit more during the night. And she said that she actually did this and she can't believe how hard it was, but how much it worked. And it gave her her sleep back.

And she it was really lovely email because she was so happy in herself that she'd been brave enough to do this. And we know that. It's clarity. Yeah. happy in herself that she'd been brave enough to do this and we know that yeah and we know that there's that amazing instagram page with taylor may babies who is just an incredible resource on these things she's got brilliant tips that she posts on her instagram page every day she's got a brilliant website if you need extra extra help she's there but really this just comes down to you understanding that your kid loved the holiday and you can say things like i know you

loved getting to sleep with us on the holiday we love that too but that's something we can only save for holidays and if this behavior continues we won't even be able to do that on the holidays you know and you don't say that in a mean way you're just very straight factual terms that you know the holidays are times when we get to do special things yeah we're back now mommy and daddy need their sleep for work you need your sleep for early years whatever setting he goes to we need to get our routine back you know well tina i can't wait for a holiday i'll be honest with you we're only going on all the way to July we're only two weeks back after Christmas yeah

and I'm like I need a break thank you guys for coming up and saying hello at the shows you never said your joke oh yeah

I'll have to play a little bit someone came up last night in Limerick and it made my day it was an American lady who lives in Limerick and she says she listens

to the show every Monday and I play my day do make sure to come along to the shows you'll hear a little bit of this. I'm quitting football. So daddy, no, daddy, I'm quitting. I'm not playing football anymore. I said, why? He says, I'm not good. I'm not good. Tears in his eyes. It's like, Mikey, not good compared to who? He goes, the other lads at school. Might be the best bit of parenting I've ever done in my life.

Got down to his level, I said, Mikey, you're all shit. His face lit up. It was beautiful. Knowing this wasn't the limit of his potential, I was like, look, they're shit too. They're just slightly less shit than you right now. I'm better than you at football. And I'm shit as well. Well, actually, you probably won't hear that joke

because all the jokes in the show are brand new. None of them have appeared on Instagram or anywhere else. And some of them are parenting related. I promise you, you'll love the show. But make sure to say hello afterwards. Or come on over to patreon.com forward slash Irishman abroad to hear a little bit more. It's absolutely obligation free when you come over. You literally sign up for a five or a month

and you can cancel at any time you like if you're not digging it. But I promise you, you will. There's so much more to be found over there including the original six episodes of this podcast. And all the Irishman abroad episodes which are my favourite. Full Irishman archive of chats with the greatest Irish people ever to have lived.

You'll have Marion every second Friday and Sonia every second Wednesday talking about running. So lots and lots. All your listening needs taken care of in one place. And of course, honey, you're ruining our kid in its XL size.

Patreon.com forward slash Irishmanabroad. Thank you so much, Tina. We'll talk to you next week.