Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Potty Training, The Key To Conquering Fear In Kids & The Truth About Lies!

Episode Date: November 11, 2024

Surviving mid-term is not easy but if you're tuning in today, you did it. Jarlath and Tina look back on a crazy week of bringing a kid to work. Have play dates gotten out of hand and how do you explain the US election to your kids? Has it affected their relationship to the truth and women?Here's a break down of the episode's questions from the only expert on this show, Tina.Question 1- As you all know and as Jarlath loves to remind me I am indeed the queen of irrational fears. So when I get an email in about a kid who is struggling with an irrational fear I can definitely relate. This week it's a fears of swings!  Like all irrational fears they feel very rational to the person going through it. I give some trusted and well practiced techniques on helping people live with them and hopefully move on from them. Question 2- Lies, why do our kids even bother trying to lie to us. I get emails about lying every single week. This week a mother of a 13 year old boy gets in touch desperate for some advice on how to best navigate the lies she is having thrown her way. Jarlath breaks down some of the language that can help get across the need for absolute truth with your teen. Question 3- Potty Training Difficulties (Available on Patreon)What do you do when your toilet training goes wrong. When your three year old has decided that life is easier in nappies and they are flat out refusing to ever use the potty. Is there hope? Can you get through to them that the nappies have to go. Every child is so different when it comes to toileting but I definitely have 2 strict rules that if you follow will lead to success. Visit www.patreon.com/irishmanabroad to gain access to this extra questions and discussion.Thank you for tuning in and supporting our show. We love making it. I hope to catch up on all the emails this week. If you are having a problem big or small please know you are not alone. Send your email over to [e-mail] and I will do my best to help you out. 

We are back honey, you're ruining our kid is back from its American holiday. Is it a holiday Tina if you I don't work in your ass off. We didn't get to one shop for one touristy thing. We did get to one shop We're gonna tell you about that in a minute Maybe the cutest shop in the history of the world on Union Square. Some you'll already know the place. I'm gonna talk about but it was Bananas 10 days all across America Boston Chicago, New York background to Boston I felt like we were traveling at all times and it was incredible to meet you guys out there to see you all at the shows Yeah, that was amazing. Thank you to all the listeners who came to the shows and made their way up to me afterwards.

You sound exhausted now. You know what? The jet lag has hit me quite tough this time, I think. Yeah, it has been a lot. And I don't know how our young lad is off on the bus to school today. And it's his first taste of it. Yeah, you definitely know that he is a bit jet lagged.

You definitely there are signs. Yeah, you'd sense it. There are signs that he might be a bit jet lagged. We're all that way. If you're planning on bringing your kids on a work trip with you, have a good think about it. Don't do it. You know, he was an unbelievable companion on this trip.

It was great to have him there. It was very special. It was just hard because, you know, you don't sometimes when you're gigging like that really late in tonight, you need to be able to sleep well in the morning, but kids don't believe in that stuff. You're up and you're entertaining them and, you know, it's double the work, really. And also there's this pressure, isn't it, that you want them to be as amazed by the place as you were when you were a kid.

You know, you're you're conscious that you're stealing their midterm. Yes. So you want them to feel like they enjoyed their midterm. Yeah. And that's that's a battle because at 13 years old, they they just want to hang out with their 13 year old buddies. Yeah. You're not cool anymore. And oh, God, yeah, God forbid they're actually seen with you. That was a nice thing about America.

He kind of relaxed about that a bit. Yeah. Like he won't go anywhere with us at the moment. But it's it's been it's been a little while since our last episode, because, of course, we don't do the midterm breaks. We give you a break from us and you get a break from recording this and of course you don't really have time. I mean it's so... Jarlett, like full disclosure you haven't had time at all to do any of this so we are really trying our best to keep this podcast going because we love it so much, the listeners are amazing yeah and the emails keep flooding in. They do and I'm so behind now on the emails.

You're never in front on your emails, are you? I mean, we've neglected one other massive thing that's happened in the interim and that is Donald Trump is president again. Try and explain that one to your kids. Can you believe it? They chose a criminal over a prosecutor and the people have spoken. I mean, this is democracy in action. This is the other thing.

It's like wins the popular vote. I talked about it with Marion McKeown on the Irishman in America podcast. We'll be back with more of that later in the week. But it is a tough one for your your kids to take in, especially if you're if you weren't gunning for them, if your house was. You know that I am always pining to have a daughter. Like it hasn't happened for us, but that was the only time in my whole life where I was like, thank God I don't have a little girl that I have to explain this stuff to today.

Yeah. I was like, how do you tell them that even though this lady was overly qualified, when it did a great job, she wasn't voted for because she was a woman. Yeah how qualified would she have had to be? I kind of think that she just didn't have enough time and that she came so close with 110 days. Like I did like I hate I know you're going to be like Tina you're doing that whole I told you so thing but I kept saying it every time yeah but I want her to win but I just don't see it happening because I cannot imagine men voting for a woman and you were like, no, no, no, we've come so far. But then you see those statistics and like

basically no white man, unless they were gay, voted for Kamala. Well, it seems like a really, really unusual moment because there's an awful lot more underneath this than just one thing. And I definitely think that if you're trying to talk to your kids about it, you have to explain exactly how many people voted and exactly the motivations of people and their reasons for doing so are so vast and so different.

It seems like economy won out over autonomy, for sure. And look, America was super expensive. I really noticed it. Oh my God, lads. I once went to, where was I, Norway, and I forgot my phone charger when I got there. And I went into a shop, and this is no lie, I spent 45 euro on a phone charger.

That's the way America was when we were there. Well I ordered a glass of wine in the hotel we were staying in. It was 25 dollars. 25 dollars for a glass of wine. I was like what? That was like pretty standard. So you can hear some of it because you have one candidate saying, we got the best economy in the world. And they're like, who are you talking about? What are you talking about, Willis?

And I keep talking about Gerard to this, but like, you know, I'm a lady and I had to go get a few lady bits from the pharmacy or just the corner shop and everything's behind a lock. It was such a weird experience. Every time you have to ring a bell and they have to come in. So like it takes so much time because there's like one or two people working in the whole place. That'll tell you how. And everyone has to have their thing unlocked for you.

It tells you how desperate people are that everything's being stolen off the shelves. Yeah. They have a big problem with people just swiping everything. It was like it was an eye-opening experience as I'd imagine your midterm break was too. It doesn't matter what your midterm break is. You always walk away at the end of it going, OK, my kid is changing and the world is changing and what's going to happen next? What will the next midterm be like?

You got to cling to them all. That's my advice. You got to enjoy every tiny little bit. Take every win you can get. We had some really incredible moments. I mean, sold out shows all across the board, all across America. Taking Mikey to the Celtics. The Celtics game was magic.

Going to Salem to see the witches, the witchy witches. We'll talk about that later in the show, exactly how weird that experience was. But we've an awful lot of questions to get to. We do. And the only thing I'm going to say by Trump before we go on this is that, you know, he is dangerous for our kids, because he lies so much. And then we're seeing it like our kids are growing up with an economy of truth, because they're seeing world leaders do it all the time and that to me as a parent is the scariest part of Donald Trump. The effect and influence he's having over our kids is quite scary.

Yeah. He's kind of like a barn-eaten dinosaur, a silly-billy, stupid, bum-ba-bum-bo man but he's got the most powerful job in the world now. Yeah. And they see him lying every day and treating people like shit. And I think that's a really dangerous thing. I think that the hardest thing in terms of the truth with your kid is where they go and they double talk, they go, oh, well, I thought it was in there when you said it wasn't, you said it wasn't, I thought it was. You said, but you said you were sure. I don't remember saying that.

It's literally, it's playbook Trumpism, right? Yes. And I were seeing it all the time. They're genuinely seeing it in kids. They have absorbed it. It has gone in. Yeah, it's funny. It's driving me. It's the post-truth world.

I'd imagine if I counted them up, since we've last done our episode, I think I got 20 emails in from parents about lying. Really? Yeah, and I was like, this is a massive issue. And we're seeing it, I'm seeing it everywhere, and I blame Donald Trump. Well, I blame you, because you're always telling lies.

Oh, shut up. So we're straight into the mail bag. This is how it works guys, you email in honeyyourooningourkid at gmail.com and we will get back to you. Well Tina will get back to you. I'm literally here to read out the emails. Tina's been a bit bad at getting that to you.

No you have not. The bag is bulging and she's doing her best to get back to you. And she does get back to absolutely everybody with some sort of strategy to help you. We've been away and my mom is really unwell. So I'm juggling a bit. But I am trying. So I'm sorry. Well, you're doing an amazing job. And I can tell this was one that had to make you light up.

The shop I mentioned that we were in in New York was called Petco. And it was on Union Square. And it was the most adorable shop in the world if you loved dogs. And I did think if I feel that don't love dogs, you were one of them. Yeah, I'm not a massive dog fan, but we're walking by this window of this place and we're like seeing all these dogs in like a salon. And we're like, what's going on in here? So we go in.

Oh, my goodness. It was the cutest place I've ever been in my life. The dogs were in a salon. They were being groomed in the window by these really loving dog groomers who and the dogs were like posing. It was like an Amsterdam peep show in the window. They were like, hey, guys, check it out. Come on in. And inside was just doggy wonderland. Yeah, it was like a shopping center for dogs.

Like there was a cafe, like looked like a human cafe, but it was just for dogs. You could get your dog portrait taken. There was a self wash, which I thought was a lot to expect the dogs to be able to wash themselves, but they were doing it. We stayed in here for like so long. We went back because it was like going to a show.

It was the cutest. It was a woman washing her show. It was the cutest. It was a woman washing her dog. It was the most adorable dog and he was in the bath looking out at everybody, winking at everyone. And we're just watching and we thought she was working there. Yeah, we were like, she's so good at her job. She explained to us that this is not her job.

Yeah. This is her dog. That's how involved we were. We actually went up to the lady after and was like, how do you get him to do that stuff? That's how involved we were. We actually went up to the lady after it was like, how do you get him to do that? But Tina, it's a long way from you crossing the road from dogs, which is the woman I first fell in love with. Yeah, no, I have a massive...

I still am afraid of dogs, but becoming a parent, I just I didn't want to ever put that on to my son. Yeah, Yeah well our first question today is about irrational fears and some would say that the fear of dogs is quite rational. Yeah they bite you. They're unpredictable and if you've had a bad experience every week, if you've had a bad experience as a youngster, it could take a long time to shake that. You may never shake it. Well here we go. Hi Tina I'm really hoping you can help. My three-year-old has developed a very strange fear of swings. Again, I think that's a perfectly rational fear.

I'm not going to be a good help. In the last few months, it's not so much the swing but the fear of the swings banging off each other. Oh, the noise of it. It really comes to light after we had some bad weather and she had seen our garden swing blow in the wind and bang off each other. She would often just stand at the back door and watch the swings. We've had to tie them so she doesn't get upset. Alright, is this an order issue Tina? I wonder. Let's get into this. She doesn't just get upset sometimes. It is the point where she can't catch her breath and there's no speaking to her.

She could be running around the kitchen screaming that she doesn't want the swings to blow and that she doesn't want her sister to go on them. I brought her to an empty playground the other day just to test it out and again she lost her temper and kept giving me reasons for her sister, 5 years old, not to be allowed to go near them. She kept screaming that she wanted to go home. I kept trying to reassure her that the swings are ok, they can't hurt her and it wasn't windy but she continued to get upset so we had to leave. She woke up this morning crying that she wanted to go home and when I went in, she kept saying,

I don't want to go to the playground with the swings. So it's obviously on her mind quite a lot and she had a bad dream about it. She also wet the bed, but we only recently took her off the pull-ups for nighttime, so might not be related, although it's rare she would be wet through the night. I've brought her out to the garden at times when she's not upset, asked her why she doesn't like them, showed how they won't break, etc. But she gets upset and she just says, I don't like it. Yesterday,

she got really upset about her sister having a yo-yo. Her sister had to explain to me it's because the yo-yo is swinging around. Again this morning she was crying that she didn't want her sister to have the yo-yo so I feel it is now escalating even more. I've no idea how to help her get over the fear. We can't meet friends to go to the playground anymore if there's a swing there because of it. And her sister who loves going on the swings isn't allowed on our garden swing anymore. Which just isn't fair.

Just to note, she has no problem with playgrounds with no swings. She's a very outgoing, affectionate, lovable little girl. I love this part of every game. I know. I love my kid. It's just this one thing. Yeah, lovable little girl. I love this part of everybody. I know. Where they're like, I love my kid. It's just this one thing. Yeah, well that's pretty big. She is also extremely stubborn though.

So if she doesn't want to do something, it's very hard to persuade her. It's very upsetting to watch her get so upset, but we also can't carry on like this. So any help would be appreciated or even advice as to who I should see about it. Something that sounds so silly is having a big effect on our day to day and I'm at a complete loss. I'm sorry for the long email. Never apologize for that. It's great to get

the full explanation. Yeah. Yeah. Just trying to get all the information in there. Thank you so much. And this lady actually sent some videos as well. This lady actually sent some videos as well. Yeah. On my Instagram and this is a real... Of the kid losing shit with a swing. Yeah. Pretty sure. I'm so jet-lagged at the moment my brain is like mashed potato. But have you ever heard of this before? No I've not. But you have heard of people with a kid who's got an irrational thing about, no! Oh yeah, well I mean every single three year old

Is like that. Has something. Because my first thought was it was order. That it's like swings need to be dangling straight down and when they're waving erratically, the three year old is like, no! Yeah, it's not a swing scab. It's so hard to understand how these things emerge as fierce.

As I sit here in our office that has a mouse and I cannot relax. This mouse is about as big as a two euro coin. The boys don't care that we have a mouse in our office. I care and everyone, all anyone says is you live in the country. You're going to have mice. He ran across my desk the other day and he ran across my foot one morning. I mean and we brought the cat in and the cat made friends with the mouse. The cat sat on the couch and was like this is great, love it in here. Can totally see why the mouse is here. Oh it's so annoying. So sorry as I say myself

something happens and then a pattern of fear gets set. Right. And three is the worst age for it to happen, because like you said, the order three and four year olds and sometimes up until five have a heightened sense of order and it's their own internal order. It's an order that only makes sense to them. Yeah. So the storm, unfortunately, we're getting a few more of those horrible storms. She saw it and it scared the life out of her.

And she has. Allowed herself to think that that is possible, that that will happen every time and that people will get hurt, You know, it shocked her. It shocked her. So how do we go back and help her, you know, rationalize it like it is? She's being irrational. How do we make it rational?

Now, she is only three, so it's super tricky. Bush. I mean, this one has me a bit stumped. Right. Well, my first thought, let me throw in my this. This mom has definitely not emailed me for my impressions. No, you're pretty good. Like sometimes I think you've gotten better at this.

No. Well, like does she have a problem with ropes dangling down? Would she have a problem with a tire swing, you know, which has got a big spongy thing on it that bounces around and that's the crack of this swing is that it's, you know, you can punch it and it'll fly up and around. Do you need to just change the swings in the back garden to something more like that?

See, I wouldn't go for that because then you're empowering the fear. Right. You've got to be very careful with tiny kids. Let's all back out changing them, right? But my point is, it seems like an irrational fear. And I would think that it is order based because she doesn't like the mess. Right. Well, on some level, she doesn't like the tangling of the swings. Yeah. She saw the swings, leave the ground and go in the air

and like clasher off each other. That would scare anyone. Yeah, she saw the swings, leave the ground and go in the air and like clasher off each other. That would scare anyone. Yeah, fucking hell. Like, you know, we had a trampoline here, remember, on the farm. Oh my God, it took off. Took off into the sky. And like that, we don't have a trampoline anymore. I have to get someone else's garden.

Yeah, but like I wouldn't buy one again. It scared the life out of me. I can see why you're flummoxed by it, because you're trying to reason with an unreasonable person. And it's like there isn't a lot of reason behind this. No. There's just, it's dangerous and I don't want anybody getting hurt. And I guess then I come back to if it was just how would I approach this?

How do I approach fears like this? First of all, I would suggest that nobody makes her feel bad about it. When she brings it up, just yes. And the fear just be like, yes, that is something you're afraid of at the moment. Yeah, you got a fright when you saw that happen, didn't you? You got a really you got a bit of a fright and we're working through it. Don't push against it going. There's nothing to be afraid of.

I'm silly now because that'll just make her double down on, no, this is serious. I really am afraid of this. Instead, just listen and reassure her and say, yeah, you know, everyone's afraid of something and this is what you're a bit afraid of at the moment. And we'll work through it because we have to work through our fears and, you you know get to a place

where we're able to be okay and feel safe again. My job is to make you feel safe so let's work on this together. I'm not allowing her sister on the swing that's absolutely not okay in my book and I get why this mom is doing it if that girl is having a meltdown of course but how I would deal with that is I would say you don't like the swing, that's fine, we've listened to your words, we've taken it on board. Your sister loves the swing, she really finds joy when she's on it, it makes her happy. When your sister's going on the swing you will have to go into a different room and do something else. You cannot, it is not okay for you to tell your sister she can't do something.

What is your favorite thing to do and get her to think about that? Now, what if your sister says you couldn't do that anymore? And when you started doing it, she would start crying. How would that make you feel? It's just bringing her outside of herself and allowing her to consider, well, how is my behavior affecting those around me? Then with the playgrounds, I would go the same way. I would say, maybe I hope, I don't know if mum has backup or if there's a partner,

but maybe for a little while you can be like, we're going to the playground. We know you don't like going to the playground. So you can stay with daddy, but we are going to the playground because that is something we love to do. Let us know when you're ready to come back to the playground with us. Wow. You know, it's just keeping some of the control but allowing them to have to work through this. Because if you start saying things like, oh you're being so silly, they just think no one knows what they're going through, you know, and they don't feel safe with anyone.

They just feel like there's no one I can rely on. It's like someone's going to get hurt and nobody's listening to me. Well, how does she cope with the behavior, though, when it's happening? The screaming and stuff. I would encourage this mom to just open her arms and give her child a hug and just say things like, my job is to help you feel safe. And we know you're not afraid of the swing. That's OK.

I'm here to make you feel safe and just allow her to be in the hook and then try and come out of the hook with a distraction activity like give her a brush to brush the floor, give her a cloth to wipe a table, give her something that makes her busy with her hands and come back to it again later. I wonder how long it's been going on? Well, because of any reassurance there in terms of when these things tend to fade, because I think she wants to hear this will pass. It will pass.

It will. She will move through this. It's all about how you lead it, though. You know, she might always be a bit cautious there in swings. We know grownups who won't go on swings, you know? I mean, she's not wrong. They can be dangerous, you know? She's seen something that's given her fright. The true danger of swings in the 80s was walking behind the swings.

Oh my God, you're so right. How many times have you hit it in the head? How many kids got burst? Oh my God, and those were metal swings How many times have you hit it in the head? How many kids got burst? Oh my God. And those were metal swings. And the crack of running between the swings. Oh my God. And jumping off. While people were jumping off them. You should explain some of the true dangers of the swings to them.

Yeah. Well, you know, I always say arm them with all the information. The more they know, the less fearful they can be because they feel like. But you know, this is why I think it's an order thing I don't know what you're talking about though what I mean by order is she wants the swings to be dangling perfectly still no she doesn't she doesn't want anyone going on the swings she's afraid of the swings but she says she doesn't want the swings hitting off each other

that's what the start of the email was and that's why I was immediately like, oh, she wants the perfect garden set up. So like swings are gonna blow in the wind and when people are on them, they'll swing back and forth. Okay, we'll take your point on board, but I really don't feel like that's what's happening here. Okay, I don't mean to dismiss you, but like.

But you're dismissed. But I am dismissing you. There might be a tiny bit to that, but I really think she got a fright. I don't think it came from a place of her just deciding. What fright? She saw a storm. Yeah, George, she's only three. Nobody got hurt, though. This is not like she was on the swing.

She hit herself off. But she saw it move and what it can do. And she's clever enough now to put together that I could have been on that. And that could have happened to me. Like she's projecting the fear of what she was thinking at the time. Maybe she's right. Oh my God. The swings are really dangerous.

The most important thing before we leave this though is when she eventually does go back on a swing, don't say anything. Don't go, oh my God, you got on the swing. Well done. Don't say anything. And then afterwards be like, remember when you were a big silly Billy about the swings and then ridicule about it for years to come at our 21st birthday. Oh, there's no swings at this party. One thing we didn't have this midterm break just past was play dates.

We were away the whole time, literally didn't get back in time even for the start of school. No, and that is a big topic at the moment. Certainly here. I don't know where you're living. Yeah, well, I was listening to a radio station in Ireland. Which all remain nameless. Yeah, Rhymes with... Busbock. Busbock.

Really good attempt at rhyming there. And, you know, they had some journalists, has written a big article about how play dates are out of control. And they had three other journalists on. In what sense? And that they're becoming really expensive and really over planned. And like we've had 10 years in England

where they are very over planned play dates, but I got used to them because, you know, when I first started doing them, I was really afraid of them. It wasn't really a thing we did in Ireland. Or when your new mom and your children are tiny, you're like, holy crap, you're already so spent and stretched. They are like, now I've got more kids and you know, the better it goes,

the more you're going to see of that child, you know. But this there was an undertone of crankiness to this segment. I thought, first of all, I thought, goodness me they've got three moms on the radio and all they seem to be saying is can they not just watch telly when they come to the house and eat chicken nuggets and granch. Whatever. Sometimes that's where the playdate goes. But really come on it's not that much to... Like what were they having problems with that they had to make a cake with the kids or make slime or you know and they had to make a cake with the kids or make slime or,

you know, and they had to have like proper dinner and to understand that some kids would have special dietary requirements. I mean, yes, some kids are allergic to stuff. That is true. And, you know, it's tricky enough when you first meet the moms who are very, very careful what their kid have. But like that mom just surviving to like they were judging these moms so harshly they were saying you know some kids would arrive and the mother would

be like we don't need this and we don't need that well they don't eat that so don't give it to them like I don't get that like just be respectful of it well let me play devil's advocate here for a minute go Go on, you love that. Well, I can understand these parents where it's like you've said Johnny wants play date with your Mikey and then they rock up to the house and they're like by the way here's the set of very specific instructions. You're going to need to remove all peanuts from the house. Do not let him see any superhero things because he had nightmares about it. All this list of bullshit that like little their little petal can't handle. And you're like, well, you have not you're not this is so not hassle free.

This is I'm now you've got a massively difficult kid here in your house. And, you know, this is the opposite of play. This is now I think it's more difficult if you have the peanuts around and that kid goes into anaphylaxis. Yeah, that is definitely more difficult. But what you've handed me is a gremlin. Don't feed it after midnight. Don't let water get on it.

Or it'll multiply. You know what? Maybe it's because I'm a teacher and I just I'm so used to having to catering for every child, but I found it incredibly cranky segment. I was just like, what do you want to do? Put them on pads, iPads and they come over. But I found it incredibly cranky segment. I was just like, what do you want to do? Put them on pads, iPads and they come over. Is that it? What you want to do, I think, is if you

encounter somebody who has a kid like this, is start spreading some rumours about a kid. I also thought they were missing. You need to get your kid out of that friendship as quick as possible. I really thought they were missing a beat as well, in that these play dates can be so joyful because when they're little, the moms come and you end up making the most amazing mom friends. Yes. You know, and the thing that they're talking about here is I'm more closely related to birthday parties where birthday parties started

to get out of control a few years ago where it was like going to the Oscars. You needed a gift bag. You needed they need to go home with cake. Every event was like this is paintballing and then rock climbing and then video games and then there's a children's entertainer. And it was like, this is more expensive than anything. I bought this kid for his birthday.

Yeah. And no, I agree with you there, but don't you miss them? Yeah. But there's but there's a thing there similar to this where you can lower the expectations of. Well, that's what I thought wasn't being said. Like by going, well, all I all I gave them was a gigantic A3 sheet and some Crayolas and a picture of Bob the Builder or whatever it is they're into to recreate. Yeah, but they were even saying things like, that is annoying. Having to supervise them.

Oh, they said that was annoying. They just wanted them to go out to the garden and play. And I was like, yeah, well, that's not how it is anymore. So put them on a leash, let them run back and forth. And they were complaining about how you have to cut up vegetables and pieces of fruit and leave them out. And I was like, well, that sounds good. You do encounter that and they're probably not the parents that are listening to this podcast. No.

Right. So let's be free and talk about this, that there are some people that you do encounter who are regretting becoming parents. Yeah, for a little while. Maybe that's not those women that were on the radio, but there's, look, plenty of parents in the 80s. Find everything. The bang you get off it is, and then we didn't have a moment's peace until you left. Yeah, they were very. Like the massive,

emotional abuse of you were such hassle. Yes. If you're feeling like if you're identifying with these people, think about that one, think about that, think about that sense that a lot of kids grew up with that me being around and all of my shit was just one big pain in the hole to you. Yeah. And I felt like they were very reminiscent of the 80s and saying it was much easier back then. But you know, what I thought was and that they didn't say was it's so short lived, the play dates.

Yeah, like, you know, they are tough sometimes. You know, you'll get a rowdy kid over, you'll get a kid, you go home and you end up worrying about them forever. But I think we're going to see a lot more of this. And this is why it relates to the top of the show. This is a lot of language and discussion about how things have gone a bit mad with the whole trans thing and identifies this and identifies that we're seeing a lurch towards insensitivity. Yeah. And I think you need to watch it. You need to keep an eye out for it

because there's gonna be a lot of, well, why can't I say she has nice tits? Well, like that is a genuine issue they're having in secondary schools now. Young boys are not being progressive. Like this is a genuine problem. Seeing it as funny. Seeing it as funny.

Like we heard the other day of two boys being thrown out of class for chanting about Donald Trump and saying it was good that he had been elected. I thought it was hilarious. And how women should be put back in the home and stuff. Like this is the kind of stuff that's it's gotten a little bit out of hand. You're right. And like we're all trying our best to model ourselves for these boys we're raising, but it's really hard because the humor that's fashionable at the moment is

women are shock value as well. And yeah, it's all of that. But like, I think you just got to keep an eye out for it. That when somebody is saying that it might be funny once in a while for somebody to be like, can we just, can we not just throw them out in the garden the way we used to be? Here's the problem. Was that good for us? How many kids walking around the cast back then? Yeah, like I just felt like there's moms out there who are making bigger effort than some moms,

right? And the moms who aren't making as huge an effort on these play dates are doing nothing wrong either. But I just thought, why are you slagging off these moms who are just really trying hard, like maybe they didn't have this in their childhood. And that's often the case. They're trying to do something that they didn't have. And I just found I didn't like it. And I just thought that's why I love our podcast so much, because we're never going to make you feel bad about what's going on in your life because we totally get the, we're all just trying to fight

our kids. Yes. Whatever you're doing, you're doing with a good heart. So just go easy on yourself. And we don't need segments on the radio. Slag enough, mum. Just annoyed me. Absolutely.

Well, our next question, you need to stick around for our next question and you need to come over to Patreon to hear the extended cut of this episode. Our next question is about the truth. It is about making sure your kid isn't, I don't know, turning a little bit into that politician that kind of bends the truth a little bit. Stick around for that and come over to patreon.com forward slash Irishmanabroad for even more this week. My 13 year old tells the most stupid lies, often for no reason. That's our question in this section of the show. I doubt this is somebody listening to this. You don't have to have a 13 year old for this to start. No, but it seems to be a real aspect of teenage,

early teenage years. He told me his new school friend has six siblings, he has two, or he completely makes up what he's done in school that day. Oh my God. Right, two things straight off the bat with both of these lies. First one is, probably wasn't listening

when his friend told him how many siblings he had. Yeah. Like what's to be gained from lying about that? Again, I just think it's really hard for mothers to understand teenagers. Like you ask your teenager, where is he from? Didn't ask. Yeah. Oh, so you spent the day with him and you never asked. so how do you, what's your, what's your background? No, no, nothing. We were just shooting people all day. Yeah. It is

hard because like I hate generalizing but like you hear these stories of teenage girls coming home and telling them mothers, everything. I mean you will not get any info out of your teenage boy. Yeah, well completely making up everything that they did at school that day was just a way of getting you off teenage boy. Yeah, well completely making up everything that they did at school that day was just a way of getting you off their back. Yeah, yeah. Right, his response when challenged is the classic, I was only messing.

I was only messing with you. For those of you not from Ireland, I was only messing was his code for anything that is just problematic for them. It's actually not the worst response, really, because at least he's not doubling down and going, he does have six siblings. He does.

But I was only massing as just, fuck off. Yes, it is. Get off my back. Yeah. Recently, he told me he went to the shops, which is allowed, but he actually went to meet primary school female friends, they're now in different schools. He knows I can check his phone per Tina's recommendation and encouragement. Shout out to Tina for the spy mode.

Encouraging you to spy on your children. Again, when challenged, he cited privacy. He went to the children's ombudsman on a school tour. Oh no! Amazing! This poor mommy, I'm sending her so many hugs. And privacy is now his favourite defence. I didn't know there was a children's ombudsman. Oh, of course there is, yeah. That is like, there was never a children's ombudsman,

it was like, tell it to somebody who cares. Here's 20p, go off and tell somebody who cares. But this is why our friend Kealan Galher, incredible lawyer, is like so annoyed with Ireland because we actually have the place of the child and the rights of the child and nothing's being done to protect these kids but they're obviously finding time to send them on courses

and educate them about their rights. I've explained there's a difference between privacy and lying. I had no issue with him meeting the rights. I've explained there's a difference between privacy and lying. I had no issue with him meeting the friend. How can I get him to see the lying is pointless and it affects my trust in him? I don't want him to become more secretive and sneaky. And that is always the fear.

Right. And I want to nip it in the bud before he's going to pubs and clubs. Thanks for all the fantastic advice Anonymous. Brilliant email. Incredible question I mean and all I can say is anybody listening who has a teenage son is experiencing the exact same thing. And I don't know why they do it, but it is so, so hard to get them to not be economical with the truth. And I don't know why they do it either. It's like, it's a phase, you hope, and you just have to...

Is it though? Yeah, I hope. Oh, you think it can become a habit of a lifetime. I think we are in a post-truth era. I agree with this, that no picture you post on social media is entirely truthful. Well, they are saying, like I said, that they started a show. We're yeah. Yeah. We're leaders.

Everything has a tiny inflection of spin to it. Everything. Yeah. Including, you know, your profile on whatever you're on. It's basically like everybody is involved in PR. Yeah. Everyone has a version of the truth and they're trying to put the best version of themselves forward and the toxicity of that and the malignance of it is that we're not we're skewing what is just plain facts.

Where are the facts? Well, she's right. It's so frustrating when you're saying to him like, but I know that's not the truth. So just tell me the truth. I think it hurts you to your core as a mom, because you're saying to him, like, but I know that's not the truth. So just tell me the truth. I think it hurts you to your core as a mom, because you're like, teenagers are really tricky, I think, on moms especially, because for most of their life, they followed you everywhere. They're, you know, and then all of a sudden,

like you always say, it's like they've broken up with you. It really does feel like that. And this is where I think I don't know if this lady has a husband or a partner or maybe her own father, a male voice can sometimes as annoying as it is for me to say this, can really help because I feel like the men relate better to the teenage boy. Because they never grew up. Yeah, because they're still very much at that age. You still very much can remember it I don't really remember my teenage Tina, but you remember your teenage darling really well

Mmm, and you have a way of chatting to our son which gets him to kind open up and come around Well, here's I'm very much like this mom. I take offense. Yeah, like why are you lying? Well, here's I'm very much like this, mom. I take offense. I'm like, why are you lying? Well, you take the role of the government. Yeah, I know. And I would never do that with any other person.

But the lies trigger me. You're like a cop who's like, and did you do it? Did you not? Yeah. You know, I don't think that I'm not a cop. I don't think I'm not an authority figure, but I definitely think that the father thing or maybe it isn't just a father. Maybe there's just one parent that usually comes at it from a different angle.

And that is always how it's going to be. There's always going to be lighter shade of whatever it is you're doing. Yeah. And the kid is going to feel more comfortable talking to one parent versus the other. That's just how it's going to be. I do think this mom is dead right though about how she's saying, I need to be able to trust you. And that is a really good tool to use. Because the thing we always say, and the thing I help parents to say to their kids is, I need to be able to have your back. Yeah.

I am going to be there for you and I need to know that when I'm standing by your side and defending you, that you have told me the truth because I'm the one who's going to have your back. And I think that is really helpful. I think that's really that big talk. Right. And I actually think you need to go micro. Really? Like you were saying, so in the event that the cops come to the door, I need to be able

to say to them, my son doesn't tell lies. I don't think the cops buy that today. I think they're like, you would say that. You're going to think that. But your kid does tell lies. They all do. So I think you need to go really micro. And I think that definitely your your your line is right, that it is about trust. But it's like, here's here's how micro you need to go.

I can't. give you anything. I can't give you benefits of any sort until I know that you're being straight with me. You know, if the lie is a dangerous lie that makes it unsafe for them, I do think there has to be a consequence for that, you know, for breaking the trust. Sure. But the benefits are the product of trust. Yeah. And that's the thing that I would always try and get across is that, like, they want loads of things. You got to remember you're the boss. Yeah. That you're in charge and they want loads of things from you. At 13 years old, they're 100% relying on you.

I'm the boss. And even though they act like they're completely independent and self-sufficient. They need you. Yeah. Right. You know, you can't you got to say to them that those things that you're looking for are all extras. Yeah. These are extras. They really are. And the extras are a result of the trust. Yeah, I think that's really helpful advice for this lady. I mean, these kids are pushing back as well from being to being over monitored. Yeah.

I mean, I think like I love the school app I have, but I think it's completely unfair that I am told every time my child goes to class. I mean, there's no opportunity for them to, you know, I was a very good kid, I still skipped in class. You went lots private. Yeah, there's no privacy.

All of their school life is on camera. Like I remember a kid in Mikey's school got in trouble for, he fell off a bench and concussed and he said he wasn't messing. But two minutes later, the caretakers were able to play back the footage and it was like he had lied and it was such a stupid lie, but I feel like There's just no Area for them to be gray in their own little world

So I think they push back when it comes to the yeah And I think that if she needs to have an answer for this privacy thing that he that like you're you're making the case, yeah, but you're making the case for him here. That like what you've said there is he has a point that like, and I do feel for them. Oh, I don't think he has a point, but I feel like that's where it's emerging from. It's kind of a pushback. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think that is that is why we're seeing a bit of the duplicity because they they want some privacy. And yeah, but I think you need an answer for that.

And you say that your privacy is contingent upon your safety. Absolutely. And also, I am the overseer of that. And my rights to parent you trump your rights to privacy when I feel you're in danger. This is a massive problem. They don't seem to think that you parents are in charge anymore. But you are in charge and your rights supersede his rights until he's 18. Yeah, that's what's so hard when they turn 18 and they're still in school. Well, this is the thing.

And this is the clarity that you need on it is that you have a right to privacy. But my right to parent you and keep you safe is an overarching responsibility that in the eyes of the law, I will get in trouble for. Yeah, not you. Exactly. And that's why your right to privacy is yours. It's there. It's real. But if I feel and you do things that make me concerned

or question whether you're making decisions that are gonna keep you safe, I then get to encroach on the privacy. Yeah, like you've given your child the phone, okay? But you as a parent have a responsibility to check in on that phone. Because while they have the, you know, they don't have a right to a phone.

You've given them. It's an amazing privilege to have the phone. You are well within your right to check that phone. I also think that might be the worst idea if things continue to go this way to talk to the school about getting that ombudsman back in. Yeah. And actually, because if some of the stuff that was taken in on that tour was wrong, then you mightn't be the only parent dealing with it.

And that if they bring the ombudsman in for a chat with the kids, that you say, we brought him on a tour to your place, and this is what's happened as a result. They're never gonna do that though, Jerry. That's like real wishful thinking. Maybe it is, but you need some form of clarity if he's pulling out this children's ombudsman. Well I think you've given her the answer there to how she can deal with that, but like it is very

funny. It's very funny. I mean she'll laugh about it one day, she will, she will laugh about that. Yeah, but like you know it's not funny. It's not funny. In the moment you're being lied to. And it's like, like you say, I can totally hear. Why bother lying about those siblings this kid has. Those like couldn't give a fuck. But then you meet the parents, you're like, I believe you've got six in the house. No, I've got two.

Who told you that? And that's exactly. You made I'm going to get two. You can talk to that. And that's exactly what happened. Like I'm sending so many hugs to this woman. Just know you're not on your own at all. And more dialogue, more dialogue is the way to go for sure. And this is the hardest part. Don't react to the lie. The silence can sometimes be so powerful. Give them enough time and they'll talk their way out to the life. The silence can sometimes be so powerful.

Give them enough time and they'll talk their way out of the life. Yeah. I said this to you this morning that we have to keep being the ones that go when you settle down and you're ready to talk the truth here. Yeah. We'll be here to hear it. Yeah. But that can really, really help as well.

It's just not reacting. Just waiting, leaving, let the silence hang and hope that the truth comes out. Well, you need to come over to patreon.com forward slash Irishman abroad to hear the potty training question this week. We're saving a really good potty training question for the final question of the show and the bonus stuff over there is always glorious where we get into the juicy stuff. I speak way too freely for some reason I think sure no one's listening to this. No, there's plenty of you listening and we're really grateful to you. You're the lifeblood of this show come on over five for a month you can

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