Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - S2 Ep2 Cracking Eggs & Taking Names! Anxiety In Young Children & Bedtime Battles.

Episode Date: September 11, 2023

Anxiety in little kids can be sparked by almost anything including cracking an egg off their head for the sake of a TikTok video trend. Tina tries to help a Mom trying to get her child to understand that making mistakes is ok. There's a battle at bedtime in most houses at some point. Can Tina help a Mom who finds her child enjoying the game of going to bed way too much? Jar has a novel approach to making kids relax and Tina helps another kid that has regressed with their toilet training. There's a lot of laughs and a lot of information as usual. Buymie.ie is the proud partner of Honey! You're Ruining Our Kid the zero judgement parenting podcast. Why not get groceries delivered to someone in your life in as little as an hour? It's easy it's fast and it's cheaper using the offer code "HONEY10". DON'T FORGET YOU CAN EMAIL THE SHOW. Tina replies and helps everyone. Simple send your problem to [e-mail] and she will get back to you as soon as she possibly can.

Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid with Jarleth and Tina. A go-lite parenting podcast proudly sponsored by BuyMe. The only way to get done stores delivered to your door in as little as an hour. Shop the full range of grocery products hand-picked by your BuyMe personal shopper. T's and Z's apply. Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, the parenting podcast from an Irish man abroad. It's all about helping you with this challenge of raising kids i am a stand-up comedian and tina is a child development expert with more

than 20 years of experience in the business there's actually zero judgment here and everyone does it their own way at the end of the day you have to do what suits your family and i'm just here to try and help them. You got to come down to the level and give them a chance. You got to give them a warning and say, that is not okay what you did. Here's what's going to happen next. It sounds a lot like our relationship. Jar, if you do that again, there's going to be no basketball for the rest of the week. Hello, it's Tina Regan here from Honey, You're Reading Our Kid.

I'm leading it today because Jarlett just did a really long run and he's absolutely exhausted. That's pretty much it. Yeah, but thank you guys for tuning in and joining us. And we hope you've had a really good week. We've been loving all your emails and I've been getting back to people. And something that caught our eye this week was the, I don't know if you guys have noticed, this really weird online phenomenon of people cracking eggs onto their children's head as a surprise.

It's ridiculous. It's absolutely crazy. Explain how it works. Well, the first time I saw it was, it was shared by Britney Spears. I check in on Britney a lot, okay? I check in on Britney because I'm really worried for her. She shares a lot of videos. She doesn't do anything that you don't do. She doesn't do anything that you don't wish I don't do.

No, you do a lot of crazy dances. Yeah. I actually wish I could dance like her. I'm not even able to dance like her. I'm such a bad dancer. I can't dance like her. Just like Britney when Tina's dancing, she does a crazy look into your eyes i don't like i don't like given um laughing about britney because i do feel

like she needs good people around her anyway britney's period share all oftentimes shared share some really cute videos and this week she shared a video and i was like oh what's this and it was to a mom and an aunt cooking with their little girl. And then during it, they crack an egg on her head for the crack. I didn't even mean to do that. I looked at me like, are you seriously doing that?

I didn't actually mean to do that. They crack the egg as in as you would off the side of the bowl. Yeah, instead of baking. They use the child's head to do it. And the child's response and we'll drop in the audio here. There is a new prank on TikTok where people are surprising

others by cracking an egg on their heads. Yeah, well, one aunt decided to prank her cute little niece, and the girl didn't just get mad. She got even. Okay, ready? One, two, three. Hey, that wasn't very nice. That wasn't very nice that wasn't very nice let me do it to you anyway this is a phenomenon loads of people are doing this and i'm just here to say stop stop doing it but it's only as you say it's only a bit of crack you know why what's so wrong it's not a bit of crack because your child trusts you so much and what you've done is get them to a moment of calm they're in an activity with you they feel safe yeah and you break their trust by breaking that egg over their head what and what are you teaching but what's the difference

between cracking an egg off your kid's head when you're making some cake and you know playing a prank on them in any other setting oh i think i get that there needs to be silliness and pranks in in houses right but this is not a prank this is it's a little bit mean because you know they are in a process with you they are baking they're doing a connecting activity they're completely calm and feel safe and in that moment you're breaking that feeling of safety and also what are you teaching them they're going to do it back to you and that happens in the video doesn't it oh no i don't think so i think in the video that little girl's just in store but i've seen so many now and i just feel like but you know what i don't think it's funny. I don't like it. It's very similar. It reminded me immediately of the I got rid of your candy.

Oh, I hate that. The Halloween. Who's that? Jimmy Fallon? Jimmy Fallon and the kids going, what? Oh, worse. Worse than that is the Grinch. The Grinch.

Why? Paying a friend to arrive in as the Grinch and steal a Christmas tree. I would never have gotten over that if that happened to me as a kid. Okay, so there's going to be people listening to this now going, ah, come on. You have to be allowed to have a bit of a laugh with your kids. Kids are so serious now. And you're supposed to

be a comedian is a sentence that's said to me a lot. On a daily basis. A lot. I don't say that to you. The sentence says I hear a lot. You could put that in your act. You could write some material for you basically every single person we met over the summer it's not just people with male accents no every single person we met was like is that funny is that going to be in the act like i have no idea i'm a real shortage here and i'm just scavenging i mean funny from anywhere

a little four-year-old told you a joke and his grandmother was like, I suppose that'll be in the act now. Oh, is he can write material for you now? Oh, yeah. I'm like, OK, you think I'd use a four-year-old to write material? All the four-year-olds are pretty insightful and funny. So who knows? When you're with your kids kids they really feel safe and you want that feeling of safety and trust with them it's the same thing as when you throw a kid

up in the air okay and you don't when you don't catch them as that that old joke you throw them up okay and then you run i don't know that's an old story but my dad happened in your life my dad did throw me up as a kid and forget and walked away and i fell how did he throw you who knows i don't remember so long that he couldn't recall i don't remember the story just gets told at my dad about me a lot i obviously don't remember it obviously hit my head pretty hard but throwing your kid up into the air and that whole idea is not good for the meter because it's just giving them a fright they don't really need yeah they just don't need their nervous system doesn't need those rights what they need from you is to know that's my safe place that's the person i can trust i won't get an

egg and i won't get an egg cracked over my when i'm at my piece cooking with baking with my mom yeah okay well i'd be interested because i'd imagine there's quite a few people are going to disagree here well we like when people disagree with us gone too serious and that if you can't joke with your kid then in fact one of our questions one of the suggestions that i make this week is actually introducing some form of game that has that represents mom and dad are also silly and they make mistakes too but that's being perfect that's totally different oh of course because what you're doing with the grinch is you're you're bringing a fear into christmas that grinch thing and what you're doing with the halloween sweets is the fear of loss into the child it's not really crack that's not crack that's them going oh god i can't

even trust my parents to buy my sweets i need them all victim humor. Yeah, it's not nice. I don't like it. There's a real, there's a punching down element to it. You're in a position of power. People aren't familiar with the concept of punching down. Comedians are meant to punch up. They're meant to be from a position of being lower and going, look at the man up there and saying, you know, this is silly about this.

But the second you're on top, and this is why wealthy comedians struggle to write material because they're in such a position of privilege but if you're the parent and you're cracking eggs off kids heads they're the loser yeah in the joke and i'm not saying it'd be funny if you asked your kid to crack an egg off your head yeah that's exactly and then they're like what yeah but it would be equally as confusing next thing is they're cracking eggs off their brothers and sisters heads yeah it's it's also slippery soap because you start doing these pranks you got to be ready for them to come back at you and you got to be ready to receive them well because you're expecting them to be received

well so i don't know i just know where you can get eggs this is how you're gonna bring up by me by me they're our sponsor our they're our partner yeah they're not our charity they're not our charity they're not a charity they're a business and a very successful business because what they do is they deliver groceries from dunstores to your door in as little as an hour in some places in ireland if you're out of Ireland and we know we've got way more listeners outside of Ireland yeah we do yeah we've been suggesting that you use the buy me app and our offer code to maybe send a bag of groceries to someone back home because I will tell you during the pandemic I don't know of all the gifts that we sent people and things that we were trying to cheer people up with.

The bag of groceries just went so fast. I think the bag of groceries always goes down well, really well. And actually the service on Buy Me is so good that if you asked them to crack the eggs for you, they would. They probably would. BuyMe.ie, download the app now and let's get to question number one. Hey, Tina and Charlotte, I found your podcast and I'm currently binge listening. Absolutely love it. I need some help, though, with my 11 year old daughter.

She is a sweet child and is well behaved majority of the time. But in the last couple of years, I've become increasingly anxious. Now, last year, she would cry every morning outside school and even though i took the time to let her have her feelings and talk to her she wasn't able to pinpoint a particular reason yeah now this is so similar to emails that we've gotten before right away absolutely i think every parent has gone through this at some point this is something now i think you're going to go through with your child yeah definitely i eventually took her to the gp and we all had a chat together and it seemed to help so the major breakdowns have subsided but i see her anxiety all the time the slightest harsh word from us results in i'm sorry

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry and sometimes even if we don't give out she'll still panic okay i have explained that if someone doesn't expressly say they are upset with you then you don't have to continuously apologize in fact this sounds really like an email we got last season if they don't communicate their annoyance then leave them with it but nothing seems to get through to her she takes on so much in her head bottles it up until she ends up in a fit of tears which can last for ages we have a good relationship she knows she can tell us both anything but if i try to talk about this when she feels calm she freaks out and doesn't want to talk because she says it'll just upset her right it's a very tricky age 11 yeah because like you're trying your best

to sit down and chat it through and also yeah treat them like they're older but they're still quite young emotionally too it's very tough yeah and you know what? That tendency towards, and we'll get to it, towards going, I don't want to talk about this because it will upset me, is something that, I mean, grown-ups have that a lot too. Yeah, I think, absolutely. This is something we've all got to push through. We all have certain areas where we're like, let's just not talk about that because it's too hard. Yeah. through we all have certain areas where we're like let's just not talk about that because it's too hard yeah i'm so worried because i struggle with conflict and would often apologize to someone in arguing with them even if i'm not wrong just to the just to end the conflict well you're definitely

irish yeah that's that right and i'm so worried that this is where she's gotten it from. I'm mostly terrified I've caused some kind of trauma due to how I parent, that somehow I've caused her to panic when she gets told off. I've been going through early menopause and my mood swings are unreal and have once or twice flipped the lid, which is totally understandable.

Only human, yeah. I've been through the menopause twice myself when I've done that. I coughed earlier again. Like once or twice is nothing. Really, is it? And I've overreacted over things. It's brave of her to admit that in this email.

A lot of people won't, but I do go back and I apologize. Well, that's brilliant. I mean, I explain myself afterwards. Yeah, she's modeling good behavior here. Have I somehow scarred her? How do I convince her she is safe and try to calm her anxiety thank you for any help you can give well i mean what an incredible email

and i haven't actually been able to get back to this mom yet and because i really thought the discussion of you with you today would help me you know be able to go back to her with a clearer plan. Because there's so many. I just when I read it, I just thought of so many different things. First of all, unfortunately, I think she probably has unknowingly modeled this. Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Behavior.

I have done that myself. Yeah, I have done that myself yeah i have done that myself and i have been trying to take it back and try and refocus the way mikey and says sorry or the way he feels responsible for everybody and everything because i know he has seen me over empathize with things and over you know worry and everything take on this responsibility for everyone's happiness i know and it was actually someone if you don't mind me saying it jar that when you were talking to someone and they were therapists and they helped you say that you know you can't be responsible for everyone else it was only when you said that to me i was like yeah i can't i can't fix everyone my therapist pointed out that

that uh and i don't care saying this it's it's an ego your ego thinks i am going to superman and save everyone from their unhappiness yeah which is absurd well what that advice that you passed on to me helped me do was it brings you to a place of ridiculousness. Because when you're like, well, why is that person mad at me? And then you remember the ego bit and you're like, well, why am I assuming it's me? Yeah. You know, why am I assuming I'm the problem? If I know in my heart I've done nothing wrong, why am I taking it?

So anyway, what I was saying there was this poor woman probably has muddled it. We've all done that. We're all trying. But look, she's aware of it. We've all done that. We're all trying. But look, she's aware of it. She's thinking about that. So that's really good. And she can talk about that. I think talking about stuff like that with your daughter is really important.

Secondly, I think she's mentioned early menopause there, right? Now, oh, my God, the shit show she's probably going through. Horrific. Personally. Personally, yeah. And thank God we're living in an age where women are allowed to talk about that a little bit more.

Now, I, because of health problems, I went through the menopause in my 20s, 1920. But it was medical menopause. I had all the same symptoms, but I was able to come out of it. So I will go through it again. And I feel like at the time, it was really, really hard,

but it was the only way I could possibly try and have kids later on. But now I feel like, thank God I had that experience younger because I feel like I'll be much more able to manage it. But most people will never have pre-experience menopause. You've seen the trailer for the movie. Yeah, yeah. So, but what I will say to her is she is this girl's mother, right? And they are very similar and different in lots of ways. But what I will say to her is she is this girl's mother, right?

And they are very similar and different in lots of ways. But this might be some way they're similar in that biologically and chemically, her little girl is also going through changes. And she will start being she will start menstruating and having her period. And there are lots of hormones and emotions and feelings she doesn't understand and actually this is a massive opportunity for them to bond and talk about this and how their both their bodies are both going through changes and that it they feel so out of control sometimes and sometimes their feelings they don't know how to handle them i feel like you're so tired poor j Gerard from Israel. But handle them that, you know, just opening that dialogue of all the feelings, like encouraging your children to talk about all their feelings and not having answers for their feelings is a good idea. your strength tina but like tina's seen all of this like when you email him with your anxiety issues with your kid i always remember you coming home from school with the different stories of different kids going through different levels of anxiety at different ages all ages but what you've

done here though is you've gone underneath before we get to the actual behaviors yeah is that chemically biologically there can be an explanation for this that isn't totally the answer no but it's a significant component what both of you are living through yeah and like you say that's should bring women together well it's a very it is a, it is a massive bonding opportunity. You're not an old lady. It is a massive bonding opportunity. Gerald, it's so funny when it comes to people in their 40s, because today I heard him say, you know, when they saw, you know, a young man come in like me and I was like, what are you talking about? You're 43. You always think you're still 20.

That's why you say, oh, yeah yeah that's how you look benjamin button but um right so let's talk a little bit though about the actual commonality that you're seeing in this that loads of parents are presenting with the same thing yeah anxiety that they can't really explain the kid it can't really tell you what they're anxious about the pains in their stomach yes they're unable they're getting uneasy outside school they're reluctant to go in the school gate it's extremely frustrating especially when you're just like what is it what's wrong and they're like oh and it's awful because you feel so powerless and we do because we we go straight to the worst possible outcome of this anxiety you know whereas actually whereas actually as a teenager, as a kid, you're going to feel anxious about a lot of things.

And all they want you to do most of the time is say, oh, thank you for telling me that. I'm sorry that's happening to you. They're not really looking for an answer because you don't know how to fix them and they don't know how to fix themselves. They just want to be heard. And it is a really hard one because you've got to encourage your children to speak about it and tell you how to fix themselves. They just want to be heard. And it is a really hard one because you've got to encourage your children to speak about it and tell you how they're feeling

while not giving them too much attention for it because you don't want it to become something that they come to you, that they say they have when they're looking for your time. It is so hard. It is so hard. I mean, I don't know a parent

who's not struggling with it what i'm grateful for is that we live in an age where schools are doing more mindfulness meditation they're talking about feelings more i mean our little lad started secondary school twice a week he has a well-being class unbelievable but that's not helpful to this mom i think with this mom i think talking to her child way more about how what she is going through herself and how you know sometimes i'm acting like this and i feel anxious too because my body chemically is changing and there's hormones happening and there's things inside my body i don't quite understand i feel a little bit out of control and do you feel like that because i don't know if you're aware but you're gonna start your

period soon and there's all these changes that us as women have to get strong at dealing with and then telling her like you'll always have me to come talk to and that it's okay and that you know I also think you know giving her strategies, you know, the diary is really, really important here. She needs to have a safe space where she can write down whatever is going on in her head and have a space where she can just get it out without if she doesn't want to talk to her mother. The diary is so important. We even met a listener during the week who can remain nameless who penned a big long email to us yeah but bounced back but she felt better having just written having just written email and i was saying i do that all the time write the email and delete it when i read this

right if i could throw in my two cents here as somebody who's definitely dealt with anxiety over the years yeah and as a kid and uh in hindsight because i didn't know at the time what i was going on and how it was manifesting as different things like skin conditions and whatever yeah the sense in your adult life that i got when i spoke to a therapist about just wanting everyone to be happy yes and feeling like i had to be the person to make everyone happy and that i had that power uh it comes from a place and what i can see in this kid that i could recognize in myself back then was that mistakes if i make a mistake yeah there was too much weight on mistakes the i'm sorry i'm sorry

i'm sorry is the fear that now everything's gonna come crashing down yeah so the anxiety outside the school for me comes down to your child knowing if i go in here and i mess up it's going to produce an awful lot of upsetment that this is how i can make my mom proud so there's a pressure to perform going in the gate now this is where i brought up when we talked about this before we came on the air that if your child is afraid to make mistakes well then they won't be exploring yeah they won't be creative yeah you had a great idea to harness they won't find what they like they'll steer a very safe path

and potentially miss out on friends yeah artistic opportunities and interests that they might like and lead a kind of a sheltered existence. Whereas mistakes, as I understand it, are where the best stuff comes from. Yeah, well, we're always trying to use that dialogue. And I know in schools they're always saying, well, you know, you won't learn without mistakes. But you had a great idea for board games and playing games and the parents actually messing up a bit more during the board game so they don't look so perfect and the daughter can see you know my mom didn't win and she's fine with it or daddy made a big mistake games have to be things like charades yeah they have to be really great idea

things games where you know dad has to try and communicate something in a minute, whatever the game is, whether it's categories or whatever. And when he doesn't do it, we have to coach our partner in going, oh, well, not the end of the world. Yeah. And then we had stuff with Mikey. I hope he doesn't mind us saying this, that when there was a timer or a buzzer, he just couldn't cope with that at all. He gets so banged. So then we had to increase actual pressure games. We had to play way more games where there was a stopper and a timer.

And with practice, it really, really helped. So it also emulates the exam situation. Yeah. The schoolwork situation where that you've got five minutes until pens down like how many friends did you have because yeah who blew it in the last five minutes because they just couldn't handle that the time was ticking away i know and there's no there's no there's no getting away from it so practice is the thing but your game night suggestion i love it but the only thing i know parents are like when do I have the time for that?

So the unfortunate thing is with this, you've got to schedule it in. You actually have to make one. You have to schedule your fun. Yeah, you do. You've got to make one of your nights game nights. It has to happen. It has to happen. Children aren't playing enough games anyway.

They're not learning this pressure techniques because they're not playing enough games. If I could leave it on one thing, though, like I know myself that I don't have any time. I don't have any time for anything. I barely have time to even just take a half an hour to watch something on Netflix at the moment. I'm asleep in 15 minutes. But this time management and claiming back some kind of time and the return that you'll see. Yeah.

It's insane. Yeah, I think. Even the smallest amount of time. They call it habit stacking. You already do a thing. Just stack this habit on top of it. At the end of dinner, you always pack the dishwasher. Before you do it, 10 minutes of game time after every meal. Yeah.

That's it. Yeah, that's very fun. But I do think that this mom, there might be an opportunity here for them to just bond. And that might really help. I think so. Her daughter won't feel so alone, you know, and just being more open about feelings in that house will really help too. Bedtime has turned into a battle. I mean, that's a great opening line for an email.

And a line that every parent can understand. I don't know anyone that has not had a battle at bedtime at some point at some point absolutely same with everything really i mean he sleeps in a cot bed in the middle of the room one rail removed the other with removable side bed rail a lovely picture painted already he wanted the bed rail removed since then he won't stay in his bed he had a cunning plan oh i just gotta get this bed rail removed this is then it's party time i know you hear about this all the time don't you he takes over an hour and a half every night to coax him back to bed oh no he keeps getting in and getting out just when you think he's settled as soon as i'm back in the living room he bolts out again thinking it's great fun this is a laugh i'd lose my mind i'd uh throw him out the window

it's about that sleep out in the garden garden. Like that. Remove that bed rail. I try to stay calm and in a monotone voice. Very good. Well done. It's time to sleep. See you in the morning when the light is green. I have a tummy tippy clock. Excellent clock.

Yeah, those are great. This goes on 10 to 15 times each night i'm surprised this person has the energy to write this email he's driving me mad yeah then he says he's thirsty oh no and how do you turn that down well you have to i refuse to give him more water. Enough with the water. I always tell him around 6pm that he needs to drink water before bedtime. He also wakes up wet during the night around 3am in his nappy and comes to wake me. I gave him a wee wee torch but he just likes to play with it. Oh lord. Oh no.

he just likes to play with it. Oh, Lord. Oh, no. Then he's up before his light turns on green around 7am instead of 7.45 and either goes to the living room alone and climbs into the presses. He is what we call a character. He can open the child locks now.

He's clever. Holy molyly his kid has it all worked out I mean there's going to be so many people listening to this going is this about my child how did they get access to my house or sometimes he just comes into our bed we live in an apartment by the way so everything is very close by please help Tina

what are you going to do with this little eccentric boy? It's decided. Well, he's not eccentric. That's the thing. I mean, this is so common. We hear it all the time. I do have to say, realistically, seven is great going. I mean, I think you're setting the clock too late.

Seven forty five. There's no kid in the world who's going to sleep. Right off the bat. You think that's a little late to who's gonna sleep okay so right off the bat you think that's a little late to be getting up i think right off the bat there's a lot to expect of a child this young 7 45 especially if it's bright yeah it's i mean i think you have to i wonder does she have the uh i don't know grove lines are great but i do think you might have to redraw the expectations there most kids will not sleep that late. I mean, if you get by six, to me, that's winning the sleep lottery.

We know a lot of people that are not getting by six. No. And there's an awful lot of people. Here's the thing. This is why this hats off to this emailer. Yeah. Very few people who are going through what you're going through are admitting it. Oh, yeah.

So fair play to you for getting in touch. Thank you. So many people who are just quietly having their nightmare yeah and when people ask oh he's a great sleeper and you can see it all over no and i think oh sorry i hurt myself in a bitter self again i'm wearing braces and it's just it's a nightmare but okay so what i do think is amazing about the fact that he gets to seven o'clock in the morning is that now you've got a chance for a success to happen in your house change the time without telling him you know change it he she has a set for 7 45 reset it to like just before seven so

when he wakes up all of a sudden he's obeying one of the rules which he should be doing anyway he should stay in his bed till that time if you've told him to but he's notying one of the rules which he should be doing anyway he should stay in his bed till that time if you've told him to but he's not but this is a chance for you to start your day wish amazing look at you you stayed in bed till the sun came up i'm so proud of you biggest problem i get that but charlotte she needs something somewhere right okay because 745 is not realistic to me yeah so this is a quick win quick win straight away reset that clock don't tell him that tell him he needs his time half the reason she's saying 7 45 it's because of all the bollocks ology that's happening but he's not getting to sleep i know

that but even so we all know this that no matter how late they go to sleep they're still gonna wake early so you know it's really tough but here's look here's what she has to do about the bed right okay and then after this i'll give you my half-assed idea no that that that i'm gonna throw in at the end okay but she seems to have entered into an out sorry i did it again negotiation with the bed in the first place okay so like oh about removing the rail about removing the rail so that's easy to me to me i'd just be like you get out of your bed that rail's going back on not the rail the cot you're showing me you're not big enough to have a cot bed oh my it's gonna go back back the car absolutely you

want to be a big boy you stay in your bed do you know the rules the rules are when mommy closes the door and says good night you go to sleep and stay in your bed you only get up if you need me or you need to go toilet you are not allowed to leave your bed do you understand that what happens if you leave your bed we put the rail back on i put the i put it back on why why is he allowed to have a bed if he's not listening to the rules I wouldn't, I wouldn't have it Charlie's like scared for me

I think like so many times across the last season or so of this you really do have to kind of accept as a parent that sometimes the hardest answer is the right one well this is an for me you give you're going to give you this guy the chance you're going to say look i'm so

excited you want to have your bed and you know mommy listened to what you wanted and she put the side rail on this is tina with themy listen to you i did and i trusted you because you're a big boy and i love you so much but you're not doing what you're told turns out you're not a boy don't say that you're not doing what you're told what you're not staying in bed at night and that's showing me that while you thought you were a big boy and could stay in your bed all night you're not doing that that's what i said yeah but you're you can't say you can't say turns out you're a little gosh you're not a big boy and your cat's coming back and you say i love you and i know you wanted to stay this way so i will give you a chance but if you continue to get out of your bed you were showing me you're not ready

and it is my job to keep you safe and i cannot keep you safe if you keep getting out of your bed you were showing me you're not ready and it is my job to keep you safe and i cannot keep you safe if you keep getting out of your bed at nighttime when you know you're not supposed to so if you get out of your bed again to keep you safe i have no choice but to make it back into a cot god and you've got to be ready to follow through because what's happened is he's not little dude he's excited in a game yeah he's like this is the crack yeah in the and she knows that she said it in the email and she probably it was probably very cute at the start i mean they're in an apartment it's very cute because he can completely come into their space he's not having to you know navigate stairs or anything so it's super cute but this is this is the i also think the bedtime

routine would be really good for him like a little you know those uh a tick chart routine for him like you know into bed do your wee wee brush your teeth into bed bedtime story kiss kiss lights out and then him seeing that kind of visual schedule would be really good for him because what's expected of him you know you could even have lights out and then the sun in the morning so the last thing he gets to do in the church is in the morning to get up so two ideas i don't think you agree i do i do you just think this mom isn't going to do it no i do i just think that uh she might need to change things because it's like the the current strategy yeah has failed so when you're when you're bringing in the idea of uh sitting them down and going okay we've learned something we took the rail off

was a was a big boy thing and you know you're showing me you can't do the big boy thing yeah so we go back to cot equally i would be looking at changing that tommy tippy thing i'd be going right well we need a different clock just to reset kind of how we've used oh i don't think the clock is the issue because i think the fact that he's getting to seven is fantastic yes i get he's not obeying it but that's an opportunity for her to trick him into thinking he is by just resetting it to just before seven so that when he wakes up the sun is coming up and she gets to go amazing well done thank you you did great you did what you're supposed to do come in with big praise and he thinks he's great look the problem with the bed is she did enter into a negotiation with her child she did talk to him

and involve him in the process she agreed to his terms you can't do that it's always got to be parent-led he has to think he's getting to do something amazing and i better not fuck this up final suggestion from because like that to me is that right. That's I think you've got it. And I think that this what I want to say is just really quickly, the way she's talking to him is incredible and fair play to her keeping her patience every time she puts him back to bed. That is amazing. I would even take a bit few of those words away. She's giving him too much language and don't look him in the eyes when she's talking don't make eye contact don't make eye contact um you know we know someone quite

close to us who had some sleep issues with their kid recently and all of those sleep issues have sorted themselves out when that kid was properly tired yes that, that's true. So there is that to be thrown into the mix here. Invest in a treadmill of some sort. Also, we told. You don't even laugh at the jokes anymore. I just make jokes. I took that seriously. And they go over your head.

I took it. I was like, that's a good idea. Treadmill. No, I'm just saying you need to wear this kid out to the point where when he gets to his bed he's like good night and you're forgetting the game changer in that instant was we told her give him a supper yeah and that kept him going also you know the thing people forget you know she's he's wetting during the night which is so frustrating for the mom like i feel awful for her he's still in the nappy though so that's expected but what she can do

with the drink is you know like when you're in hospital and those little pink sponges that are on a stick you can if your child is feeling thirsty but you can't actually give them a drink because you can't deny them a drink but you can let them suck on one of those and they you know if they just need to feel like their lips aren't that dry anymore that's not that evil if you know they're not dehydrated I mean you can't dehydrate your children but if you know they're just chancing their arm for a drink those sucky sponges aren't a bad idea you know i hate saying no to kids on drinks but i know sometimes it's just a power move on their part you know it does just sound like he's a criminal in uh i mean he just sounds a standoff with his hostage negotiator

everything she's described to us are things she's going to laugh about in a few years to come but we both know when you're in it when you're in it it's horrible you can't picture those years and you need your sleep and it's really hard so if she can find in herself a way to very clearly explain to him mommy was very good to you i listened when you told me you wanted a big boy bed but you are not doing what you were you're supposed to you're not staying in your bed and now i have to tell you i'm giving you a warning if you continue to do this behavior it is not going to be a big boy bed it is going back to the cot he won't want that but you've got to give him a chance. Our final question of the day is about toileting.

Yes, another one. You know, if you've been sitting there going, yeah, but when are you going to talk about toilets? Well, that was a kind of toileting question. Now's our time. Sorry, my coccyx. I hurt my coccyx during the summer because we went on the greenway for far too long, some might say. I should mention that

when Tina says coccyx, she means her tail she has an actual tail that's a little known fact about my wife i'm sitting on four cushions she can wag her tail and she has hooves as well um but before we get to asking the question of toileting um hooves and a tale what does that make me i don't know oh pegasus i was gonna say a minotaur pegasus um you've got some issues with my toileting oh you're gross i mean you're an angel now you're gross i don't think there's any woman listening to this who doesn't have an issue with their man's toileting well myself and Jarlett have just been together too long even this morning

I was describing to him how I need more roughage because I felt like I gave birth to my poo this morning and he was like Tina seriously no and I was like who else am I going to talk to about this Jarlett why do you going to talk to about this Charlotte why do you

need to talk to anyone about it because I really did feel like I gave birth to my boo I was like oh my god I just delivered that there's women who are pregnant listening to this are going you're undermining pregnancy they know they know well I've been pregnant I know I'm not undermining pregnancy at all yeah but you had a C-section. Not by choice. It was an emergency. You don't know what it's like to give birth. Oh, I know. And I'm always sad about that, actually.

I think those issues with my toileting are all related to my target practice. Like, we've talked about, you know, getting the target sticker for the back of the loo. Yeah, yeah. But, like, I think it's just that like don't do it i'm too tall oh i thought you were gonna make some joke about the length of my schlong well that that's a whole other matter you have to fold it up into the toilet well it just

you know it bangs off shut up it gets slammed in the lid of the toilet, in the cupboards. I remember Joe Wilkinson saying, it knocks over Wellington. But this is our question here, and it doesn't relate to that. I love your podcast and the advice you give with all things parenting.

And I've listened to your previous episodes on potty training, but I still need help. My four-year-old boy was potty trained when he was two and two months and all was going fine for a long time but over the past year he's regressed now this is happening all the time all the time especially with boys we had it we had it done i know it was done that's very tough especially when you're like to the kid but you know what's going on because you did this. You used to do this. Like it is.

Yeah. It is more frustrating than, you know, fixing the plumbing in your house. And then the exact same plumbing issue arise. Yeah, but it is. We're while remembering, even though how absolutely head melting is at the time. It's true. You did do this. He did have itmelting it is at the time, it's true. You did do this. He did have it.

Whatever's happening at the moment, it's happening. He will get back there. He's doing massive donks in his pants. Oh. He keeps doing poos in his jocks. He never does a wee in his pants, but he's pooing in his pants. Okay. And it's become a regular thing, often up to three times a day.

Well, at least the bowel movements are regular. But, you know, this is so completely really common for boys. It's an actual issue for boys. I thought you were going to say here, my husband also does it. She says, my husband and I mostly try not to make a big deal out of it and use the same line, would you like to finish that in the toilet? And we bring him to the toilet. We've tried would you like to finish that in the toilet and we bring him to the toilet we've tried reward charts for doing his business in the toilet but nothing is

working we've asked him about it and he promises the sun moon and stars when it's discussed with him he can go four to five days where he has no accidents and then it reverts back to the same thing again we've tried to monitor. Are there any changes at home around these times, etc.? But the only thing we can observe is at times, if he's having fun while playing, he doesn't want to leave the fun. Okay. We've talked to him about pausing the game, etc., while he goes. If we see him pulling at his trousers or showing signs, he might need to go.

Other than this there is no obvious pattern he will just walk off come back walking in like john wayne oh no announcing he has pooed his pants just like john wayne used to he always tells us immediately because he doesn't like the feeling of it. Any help or advice you have would be amazing. We're planning on potty training our two and 21 months old this weekend and don't want to do it wrong or create any further issues with her. And we're hoping when he sees her using the potty of the toilet, it may encourage him to use it more. I'm not so sure. I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks a million. Anonymous. Well, you know, they're right. That will encourage him to do

it more because he'll want to be the big brother there and he'll want to be able to do it. And there's a way in using language that doesn't make him feel diminished or terrible for not doing his poos in the toilet but kind of rewarding when you're toilet training his sister just being like very vocal about how exciting it is that she's getting her poos in the toilet and not directing any of that language towards him but just making sure he hears oh my god look how happy they are when she does that and that's really would reinforce this for him to ask you questions straight away do you think that they're not asking him to change himself i feel like they probably are but if they aren't they definitely should start because he'll find that really boring and he won't want to do it it's hassle it's hassle and it's not one-to-one

you've you got to think about how do I introduce hassle to this? How do I take away attention he might be looking for and introduce hassle? So he comes to you and he's able to say, I've pooed my pants. Ladies and gentlemen, I have pooed my pants. Let the attention festival begin. Exactly. So what you need to say to him is, thank you for telling me that go and get changed and that's it go and get changed you're big boy you know how to go and get you don't even have

to say big boy but you know where your clothes are go and get changed if he doesn't know where his clothes is or how to do that yeah well done no i'll be at the door and get changed but if we've got a dinner reservation. Chop, chop. If he doesn't, if the first time you do that and he doesn't know how to go get his clothes and all, that's fine. You've got to model that. So you've got to bring him silently to his room. You still love there. You're just not going to reward any of this behavior with nice attention.

You show him how to get the clothes out of the drawer. You leave them down. You show him how to take his pants off, how to tip the poo in, how to clean his bum, how to get new pants on, dress himself. And then the next time, be ready to say, OK, thank you for telling me. Now go and get yourself dressed. What if he deliberately makes a hames of it? Well, then that's on him. He has to look like a fool.

Yeah, but then you end up doing it. No, you don't end up doing it. He's four and a half. He can dress himself on. I'm just saying that like if I'm that four year old and we both know that I'm very in touch with my inner child. I always say that sometimes my inner child is at the control. You have to go through my inner child to get to me. He's certainly making a lot of the fashion decisions. But if I'm that four year old

I'm going, I'll do it myself hey well watch how crap that i do this look it's true there's going to be certain times when you can't allow your child to do it themselves because there's just not time or it doesn't suit yeah and in those occasions just try not to give the feedback they need try not to give the eye contact try to do it silently or hugs you can. You can't refuse hugs. Fuck it. But you can control how fun it is. You can control how, oh God,

I didn't really like that. I'd way prefer when they're happy with me. But it's not refusing kindness. I think we're on it here. Yeah, it's just don't give the eye contact. Make it boring.

Make it boring. So think about this. Which would you prefer? Going to the loo getting all the praise wiping your own butt yeah or having your mom

pull up your pants and tuck your t-shirt into your jacks again of course yeah I don't like that now handing over somebody does

gives it a little wipe a little bit of powder pulls up my shorts and off I go wipe a bit of powder okay close up my shorts just saying you're tina's on this she's got it if you can make yeah this thing that he's reverted back to doing yeah boring a bigger pain in the hole big pain in the hole. Big pain in the hole, yeah. And less crack. And not fun. No fun. No, oh, I get my mom or my dad on my own. No, no, this is your responsibility now. Yeah. Yeah, definitely.

Okay, well, we often give updates on how the strategies have gone for people. So if you're locked in and you're loving Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, people. So if you're locked in and you're loving Honey You're Ruining Our Kid, well the best place to be to find the full extended cuts or weekly episodes is on patreon.com forward slash Irishman Abroad.

Also how we fund the making of this show. How it makes it worthwhile and in return you get access to a whole bunch of other podcasts including bonus episodes of Honey You're Ruining Your Kid. And my favourite podcast, Irishman America. And you also get priority when you submit a question.

You obviously get tons and tons of questions but of course if you're a member we will deal with your question first. That's not to say that not everybody's important we're just saying that if you want to come over there that you will get to the top of the queue right away

in return for paying the price of a pint a month access to everything over on patreon.com forward slash irishman abroad that's it for this week Tina

thank you so much for doing this episode thank you Charlotte I don't know how you mustered up the energy there you were absolutely exhausted I'm pretty wrecked. Yeah.

But I think that brings me closer to our listeners. That's true. True. You can empathize. Charlotte's training for the Dublin Marathon at the moment. Training for the Dublin Marathon at the moment. With the help of Sonia O'Sullivan and Vinnie Mulvey. Maybe you're doing that.

Let me know. Maybe come and join us for a Sunday run. We're going to be in the Phoenix Park in two weeks time for a big meetup run. So if you're a honey ruining arcade listener and don't even know about the Irishman running abroad, this would be your way to get a bit of a group run in and people who are going through what you're going through. But I feel that same level of foggy tiredness

that people feel when their kid is very young. So I definitely can relate. It's so funny how you never forget that feeling. No. It's such a horrible tiredness that you never quite get over it, I don't think. Yeah. I might have to sneak a nap,

which is like the cardinal sin for any family. Yeah, it's fine when your kid is old, but when they're little and you find your partner sleeping, you're like, well, ew. But you're like well yeah yeah divorce take care of yourselves we'll talk to you next week thanks so much tina thank you

honey you're ruining our kid with jarlet and tina a go light parenting podcast proudly sponsored by buy me the only way to get done stores delivered to your door in as little as an hour. Don't forget, use code HONEY10 for €10 off your first order. T's and Z's apply.