Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - S2 Ep5 Unmotivated Kids, Anxiety & The Kid That Kicks

Episode Date: October 2, 2023

If you like your parenting chats to have zero judgement in them, you're in the right place. This week, child behaviourist and early learning expert Tina Regan deals with three questions from our listeners.Question 1- what can you do to motivate your child? How do you spark their interests in new activities or just normal day to day ones. Tina and Jarlath tease out this question and try and give this parents some guidance on how to ignite the passion for adventure and learning new skills in their child. Question 2- deals with a child who is biting, kicking and hitting his mom. She is so overwhelmed and exhausted by his behaviour she doesn’t want to get up in the morning. Jarlath and Tina try and come up with an intervention that will get this family back on track and hopefully help this little person to manage their big emotions. Question 3 is from a lovely Dad who feels like he’s pushed his son too far. He’s starting to notice signs of anxiety in his sons behaviour and he feels he is the one to be blamed for this. What can you do? How can he repair his relationship with his son? Jarlath and Tina have loads of suggestions to help him through this tricky period. Email any questions into [e-mail].  Get even more of the Pod - www.patreon.com/irishmanabroad

I'm not well Tina You know I'm not well You're not well Tina I'm never sick Well you did run 18km in the rain yesterday It wasn't raining It looked like I was raining When I came back I was drenched

Eww that was a sweat That's a real sexy talk now Tina married a heavy sweater Is your husband a heavy sweater? Do you want to anonymously email your kid about it yesterday in the shopping I bought like loads of different things to hopefully get

odour out of sweaty clothes oh I thought you were going to say electrolytes I was like wow that's so kind now you smell you stink because you're running so much training for this marathon it's like eww I told you the other day put your own clothes in washing machine, because it's so gross to pick them up.

People are going to be like, you mean he didn't before this? Well, I mean, when I'm going around just grabbing all the clothes, I don't put my hands in and find him in there. Yeah. So I'm like, just put them in, you know. They're dripping wet. It's so gross. It's just water and salt. Jared, it's smelly. It's not's smelly it's not nice i don't think

i'm the only person who doesn't like sweat i think there's an awful lot of couples listening to this someone training for the dublin city marathon or another marathon and they're going i just can't wait for this to be over yeah like we had a moment last weekend when we were in the hotel jarlett was getting clarny oh no and you know i was honest i'm always honest with you and you went out for your mad run and i was it was pissing rain i was with mikey we had an amazing time with clarny your show had gone really well but like there was so much to pack up and i was like fuck this shit i'm left doing everything now while he's out running then you come back and you're like dead 32 kilometers revived yeah you need snacks brought

to you yeah it's wonderful you need to sleep lie in the bed yeah so i'm then i'm packing the car and i have to be careful i pack the car properly in the rain in the tetris way yeah and she's packing it in the rain lads you would know a real carry right like sideways it was hitting her in the chin i mean i went from having straight hair to curly hair in seconds that was the real tragedy that was the real what a waste of my time that morning anyway for a moment that day i thought fuck this shit but then the dublin marathon then on the way home, as I sat in silence, like really annoyed. Oh, I didn't know. I didn't pick up on that.

No, you never pick up on that. Seething in the car. I thought, you know, it makes them happy, I guess. And I came round. Yeah. That was one moment. Like, this is your second marathon. So you were furious in the car.

I'm interested in this. I wasn't furious. I was like, this is so exciting. As you were being driven home. Yeah. I have learned to drive now, by the way. Yeah. I just need to learn how to drive our car.

I always think it could be an awful lot worse. I mean, fellas are going out playing golf. And girls, too. Yeah, but they're ducking out of responsibilities for the golf thing i'll never understand it's like come on who has a whole day i remember jerry seinfeld saying that it's a game clearly made up by somebody who needed to use up some time like why 18 holes i mean i just don't i don't understand i have an issue with people who have that much time it's like people who have affairs.

The first thing I'll say to Charlotte is, how do they have the time to do that? That always worries me because it's not that you're saying I would never cheat on you, it's literally just the time management issue. I'd love to cheat on you. It's also the time and the energy to do it. It's like, who are these people? You've barely enough energy for me. Who the hell can go and play golf?

It's recursive. I don't know. Anyway, we want to talk about the toy show. I'm so excited for the toy show this year. I don't really want to talk about the toy show. I don't want to. Because I just saw that Patrick Gielty, who is one of the loveliest people in the world,

put out a call out for kids to remember to send in their videos. And our kid last year recorded the cutest video, all of his own accord, about books. And he just wanted to be on that show and present. Tolkien. Yeah. Or talk about books in the book corner. And like, RT didn't even reply. They didn't even reply.

They didn't even acknowledge him didn't even reply they didn't even acknowledge him whereas paddy seems to be like making sure every child that gets in touch feels important like i had to sit my child down and be like yeah no you didn't get to do it but also i think i pretended they got back i think i did i think i was like it's it's not nice you if you're asking kids to record a video and send it in, take the time to reply to them and say, well done. Even just a standardised letter going, yeah, but they're too busy spending money on flip-flops. Hi, Tina and Jarlath.

Absolutely love the show and I've been binging it since I found it. I have two boys, six and four. The six-year-old gives everything everything a go from food to sports. My four year old is a different kettle of fish. He's so unmotivated to try or learn anything. He has a balance bike, a bike with stabilisers, a scooter. All his friends have started having parties at the local bike parks. We're in Australia heading into the summer. And they cycle and scoot around the place. He just runs after them.

Oh, I kind of love this kid. Oh my God, he's an outlier. He just runs after them. Refuses to learn. Refuses to practice. I know this isn't the worst. This isn't the worst issue to have with kids.

But he's like this with most things. He also didn't walk until he was 18 months old. Like maybe he just does his own man again she's saying just unmotivated and puts everything in the too hard bucket what can we do thanks a million for any advice you can give okay great email very courageous to send that email no absolutely and it's i'm sorry for laughing about the not walking till 18 months which is not unusual That's pretty late now Is it? Well what is that? A year and a half

Yeah you would be starting to get worried At that point So I'm glad I guess it's not too unusual But you would as a parent be like All his friends are walking Why is my child still bum shuffling? Yeah why is he rolling around?

I wonder was he a bum shuffler Because bum shufflers tend to be later walkers like you know i think we know someone in our life who is a little bit like this well let me see here are there celebrities that walked very late let me check why would that matter do you think well i just don't think it's that bad like i just think it's that bad if anything i think it says he has got his own mind and he is a free thinker yeah well you're you're assuming i think it's bad i think every child moves at their own pace and this kid maybe just isn't interested in movement at the moment he's not you know the way i talk about these sensitive periods for language sometimes and sensitive

period for all the different developmental stages of being a child. Well, there is a sensitive period for movement and he might just not have entered it yet. Right. I can't find celebrities that walked late. All I can find is celebrities that got famous late in life. It hasn't come up. That's not something they talk about.

There's no list. I'm going to make you that list today. Do you know celebrities I imagine walk too late brad pitt brad pitt always looks like he needs a kick up though so that's what you're suggesting for this kid yeah yeah no of course no like i think it's it's interesting because obviously the bike is more crack well look i think you're right it is quite brave of the kid he's not trying to fit in he's aware he could learn to ride a spike but it's not actually phasing him so that's a positive here

you have got a little independent man on your hand what she's worried about is he never seems to want to try you know and that will get you down as a parent i mean we know people whose kid only learned to ride their bike when they were nine well this after years of trying to get them to try and ride their bike the first thing that comes up on this when you google it is that late walkers can be slower to gain their independence yeah and slower to enter like i'm saying that air sensitive period for having an actual interest in movement right so it is just actually you do have to try and keep exposing them to more and more different activities and movement get them climbing get them you need to build up what they've missed out on yeah so just

like when you're training when you're preparing a child's hand for writing you don't just give them a pencil you get them playing with play-doh building blocks yeah treading doing locks and keys you're building in indirectly for those first few years in montessori or early years education children are constantly working on their fine motor skills so that when the pencil goes into their hand they are much more able to achieve writing. The same is about your motor movement. Walking, cycling, all that stuff, there has to be, the groundwork has to be laid so that the ability is there. That's why I hate, like, a poor child like this, right, goes into a nursery and maybe a teacher goes, oh, they're not athletic. Just because they're not showing an interest in throwing a ball or getting on a bike yeah that's a horseshit to me this child just hasn't found that interest yet

so it's so it's gonna be okay but i get the monster frustration how do you get him there yeah like there's obviously concerns around like her she's expressed it she's motivation is the issue yeah like you've said to me before that the lads are often a little bit lazier than the girls well yeah is that a generalization it is like i the way you said that was a bit mean now you're doing a face at me generally it is it is a hard what did you mean by that though well it's a really tough one to explain because nobody likes to generalize between boys and girls. Every child is independent and individual, and that's great. But the general thing you tend to observe in the classroom is that sometimes little boys tend to not care as much about achieving the goal as the girls can.

Or it comes to them harder. They're much easier with it not being perfect yeah not all the time but a lot of the time you will see that it is more the boy than the girl at that age at the early age now now that does change as they get older yeah and look i don't think there's anything wrong with you saying that after observing them for all these years i don't think it's every boy or every girl but i think you're making that clear too but it is that is heartening for anybody listening to this going yeah my lad just doesn't ever have like a but she meant get up and go in yeah but she mentioned something really important he's got an older brother who's really outgoing and you need to step back and observe that relationship because

does he just think there's no point my brother's already brilliant at that oh yeah like has he given up the way the way mikey looks at me goes no point my dad has mastered but i'm not joking like has he just thought what is the point because he gets so much praise he's just everything's easy for him you need might need to just step back and have a think or listen to how do you verbally praise the kid who's doing everything you know another side of this as well that i'd throw into the mix is and thinking that things aren't for you yeah that like he's had so much time of going others are doing that i'm not and that he settled into that idea that yeah they ride

their scooters that's not something i do yeah because he would he settled he has he his brother six he's four so he when he was you know that bit of time when he wasn't walking and becoming a two year old he was seeing his four-year-old brother brilliant at all these things that he couldn't do i don't think it's the answer but i do think that maybe he just thinks he's brilliant at that i'm never going to be as good at that i i can't even try let me throw this in and you are the one that observed this and told me about this that if you take the kid to a different environment that suddenly the expectations and laws that they had for themselves back home yes disappear that and you'll have this if your kid goes on a sleepover and suddenly they're oh they never eat that in my house but

once they're there they're like yeah i'll try pasta with that sauce is there anything to be said for that like in a weekend away to bring the scooter and be like, well, today we're going to wherever. I actually think that because she's tried so hard that he needs, she needs to bring him to a bike club, a cycling club. But that's what she's saying is they go to the bike park. Yeah, but that's different. That's a bike park party. Or a club. I think you need to hire somebody else to teach your child. It needs to be a different person.

Oh, okay, a different voice. Different voice, different person. It's so funny and so frustrating. It needs to be a different person. Different voice. Different voice. Different person. And so frustrating. It's so frustrating. But then you've got to be ready to. Saying nothing I wasn't saying. Yeah, exactly. But it's just a different person giving him a different kind of attention.

And it goes in. And it might go in. Yeah. It can work. Well, you become wallpaper. You become white noise. You know, we all parents have that experience of, oh, they've come home from school with, I heard this really great idea. And you're like, I've been saying that.

I'm sure you're always doing that to me. Yeah, I do it on purpose. But like, there's a reason why your teacher and especially earlier teacher is able to get your kid to do stuff and they don't do it for you. It's just a different voice. It's an authoritative voice who they take seriously and if this woman is able to find somebody else like you can hire people to come train your kids out to cycle i don't know if that's available to her but it definitely is an option out there so some of its fear as well right obviously there's fear of not being as good as his brother i'd imagine but let's say you do you're having difficulty outside of this parent having difficulty getting them to throw themselves at things that

are a little more risky when they do fall when they fall off the scooter the first or second attempt there can be a tendency to set the scooter on fire and go i'm never going to scoot ever again yeah i'll cut my hands now it's over. I told you I couldn't do it. What do you do in that situation. What's the appropriate response. With your behaviorist hat on. As a parent.

Is it pick them up ignore it. Don't mention it just go again. Absolutely and it's pick them up. Keep going. Try again and also have the narrative. Beforehand where you're going to fall off okay prep them for that you prep them for like even professional cyclists fall off their bike and they get back on again show them some videos of people falling no don't do that a firm no on that now she has mentioned that motivation is something that she's seeing

him lacking in a lot of different areas now i've seen a lot of kids like that and the only thing that has worked for those kids is coming in big with the praise when you see them do anything off their own path or trying big with the praise absolutely be like you know what i picked this up for you because i noticed the other day that you were trying and i'm so excited and i saw this today and i thought that might be nice to get you because you're trying that thing and just being like saying like there's moments in my day where i'm like he's really trying and i i thought of you and i picked this up because i'm so proud of you and here's a little treat that kind of praise huge praise you know i think this is gonna work i want to hear back from this mom yeah i want to hear i do think just look different person like they used to do a joke about it like

you know they will get there and this stuff yeah but it's just in time i'd be interested to know if she when she tunes into how she's speaking to her kids if she if if there is a dialogue of your brother can do it why can't you you know like maybe be careful of that because that happens yeah yeah are you comparing the kids't you you know like maybe be careful of that because that happens yeah yeah are you comparing the kids too much you know before we get to question two you mentioned praising getting quick with the praise is that it's like one of tina's mantras on this show the pillar of your teachings or tina's tips is in quick with the praise and ignoring the bad behavior. Yeah.

It's so easier said than done. Oh, yeah. Let's be honest. I mean, we're all having difficulty with that. Oh, yeah. It's very hard. All of us. Oh, my God.

Are you OK? Sorry. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. Sorry. What is the danger with the overpraise? Because when that last parent started talking about he doesn't seem motivated, you once warned me that as a kid growing up in 80s Ireland, there was an aversion to paying kids compliments and praising them on things because they got the big head.

And I probably went in hard with the praise a little too often. And you were always like, yeah, yeah, yeah, not too much. Talk to us briefly about what the risk is there and what is too much. Talk to us briefly about what the risk is there and what is too much. Yeah, well, you know, I'm a big fan of Maria Montessori. And she was just this incredible lady who took all this time to observe children, how they grow and how they learn. And it is one of her findings. And it's super important.

And we're slowly, you know, everyone's slowly waking up to it. That if you praise, if a child in your classroom comes up to you with a drawing and you say oh my god it's so brilliant why would they try and do a better drawing like it's confusing for them they know it's not brilliant and it makes such sense yeah so people give out you might actually be amazed by the drawing yeah so there is because everyone knows that Montessori was anti-praise they think that it's no praise and people can sometimes go oh I would never send my child to Montessori because you know they don't even praise the kids there and it's not that it's that if it's more of a respect the kids in that if if a child comes in your classroom and shows you a painting you go thank you for showing me that it's lovely that's enough you don't have to be like that's brilliant the child knows it's not

brilliant what you told me say was you're getting better you're getting better i love to see the progress like there are ways of saying really nice thing to them that that are not condescending to them because a child would be like that egypt thinks this is great so things not to say yeah that's dog shit you really have a long way to go things not to say are that's amazing that's brilliant yeah whoa that's incredible holy moly you're the best artist in the world yeah and the kids like i'm that guy's a fool yeah you explained it to me a while ago though how low is this guy standards yeah um but you explained to me a while ago that if it's something that they think was easy. Yeah.

And you're going nuts over it. Yeah. They're like. That is a demotivator. Yeah. They're like, I didn't even try. I just don't have to try. So, yeah, if your kid, when you're talking to your kid, it is way better if they bring

them a piece of art to say, I love that you showed that to me. Isn't it funny? Rather than to say, that's amazing. The amount of artists, entertainers and comedians who came from homes where they couldn't impress. They were desperate to impress. Yeah. And that like, as much as I don't think that's good.

And I think it's like, we probably wouldn't have as many great comedians without parents who were like, that they had to crave their attention yeah no i'm not saying not but you know that i'm not saying not to praise each other i'm just saying be careful with it be very careful i'm also saying that the you know there are those hardliners out there who are like the the kind of coaching method of the strong silent type he's like well if you're going to get praise out of me

it's going to be earned and it's going to mean something to you when i say it now i just yours is the halfway house yeah i don't think kids need that stress they don't need that because like honestly saying to them something like thank you for showing me that that's all they wanted to do yeah and you've acknowledged that and you've been kind about it. And they're happy. They go off happy and they'll do something else. Well, the second question of the day isn't related to that, but it is about an out-of-control kid. Okay. As the parent views it, right?

I absolutely love your show. You guys have no idea the good that you're doing. And I need your help now. I have an out-of-control three-year-old. He is an only child and we did put the call out for only yeah we've done so many emails in this is the only one asking for help most of them were just like i love my only child well look it's never it's never a cakewalk he is three-year-olds are tough she says this this three-year-old is completely spoiled in her opinion.

She says the tantrums are off the charts. He bites, hits, kicks, screams. Sometimes I don't want to wake up in the morning because I just don't know if I can manage his outbursts anymore. This is very tough stuff to hear. It really does. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it because I'm only struggling with one child.

A really common thing. Yeah. No one wants to hear it. She's only got one. Yeah. And she's lucky. One child while others are balancing so many. That is like, that's the untold story of the only child family.

Other moms can be horrible to you. And they also expect you to take care of their kids. Yeah. Because they assume you're just there watching movies. Yeah. With your child. child absolutely what can i do how can i make my child happy when giving them everything they seem to want has not worked i know and that's kind of the answer isn't it they've gotten too much there's too much stuff there's no clear lines you know they don't know you feel that off this well first of all i just want to say this mom is amazing to have emailed in yeah i'm very sad to hear that she's so overwhelmed by this that uh someday she can't even think about facing it and

i mean we all have those days though i think so like even if you've got amazing the best angel you all always have a day where you're like i I don't know if I can do it today. Because it's hard. Being a parent is so hard. Without getting kicked and burst in the head. Yeah. And like, she does need to remember, the age of three is a very tricky age for most kids. Like, everyone tells you about the terrible twos.

But I think the twos aren't so bad. I think it's the terrible threes. Because people don't talk about that as much you're always a bit like well i thought you were supposed to be better at three the clock turned 12 you were meant to be an angel you're not supposed to be terrible anymore but like let me throw in one thing before you get in stuck into this um just as you know somebody without any background in behavior and how the the tantrum thing with this the only child can be especially hard because like you said at the very end she's like i'm giving him everything i can

when you say peel it back and you know don't give as much there's so much guilt wrapped up in that because you know i could i could give you that yeah so kind of tilting the axis or pivoting your worldview to less is better for this kid yeah it's hard because it's hard well it's you're having to break your own habit that you formed as a parent and that you give into everything you know i look you know that i love dealing with kids like this these are my favorite kids because you can help them so fast and they can change so fast once they get an intervention yeah now i've worked with some very violent children okay who have been three how violent are we talking well like she

says this is violent behavior kicking sinking biting biting it's so bad pulling hair spitting spitting yeah yeah well mostly they're three years i mean obviously when i was in the behavior unit i was having that done to me so people want to hear this tina because it makes them feel better yeah but those were kids are spitting in your Yeah, but those kids had a lot of additional needs. Sure, sure, sure. And they're very frustrated. But these were three-year-olds. Three-year-olds.

Biting, punching. Yeah. Pinching, scraping. Yeah, yeah. Pulling your hair. Taking my skin off under their nails, yeah. Yeah, but like they. I feel bad that I was with you at the time.

I don't really have much recollection of this. For sure, I would never have complained about those children they all had always loved the tricky ones yeah but they all had learning difficulties and i completely knew they had behaviors because those behaviors were out of their frustration with the world like they just needed help and that was our job to help them and once these kids have guidance now this child she didn't mention he has a learning difficulty. She said he's out of control. He does not get the pass for the behavior. So let's start. First steps.

Right. Well, first steps are, just like we always say, they need some rules in that house. Right. So an actual constitution that you sit down together. She's going to need to sit down. I don't know if there's a dad in this house or a partner. But if there is, the whole family, or even if it's just mommy and little guy sit down and i need to talk about what's been happening in the house and how it's been making everyone feel right and how

it's actually not okay and you'll be surprised how many kids don't know that like you know i always tell you that story about that yes i do that kid who i was like you do not you are not allowed to shout at your mommy because you heard this kid shout yeah and when he came into the classroom like came in like swaggering in i got down to his level i was like it is not okay for you to talk to your mom like that you do not shout at your mommy no one is allowed to shout at their mommy he was like he's like oh nobody ever told me this okay i'm not allowed i thought i was meant to he's like oh oh i didn me this okay i'm not allowed i thought i was meant to he was like oh oh i didn't know that i guess i'm not too mad teacher explain but like honestly we can

never take for granted how much of this stuff they don't they just don't know because they've fallen into habits too so even the conference itself yeah will impact things and it's a chance like this kid obviously needs work on his feelings yeah they obviously need to talk about their feelings more like a lot they need to read a lot of stories and books about feelings and they need to say i can when he is really angry or cross that mom needs to get into a habit of not shouting or responding but just saying i can see you're feeling sad i can see that something has happened that's made you feel really angry i'm sorry that you're feeling sad. I can see that something has happened that's made you feel really angry. I'm sorry that you're feeling angry.

I'm here to help you. Sometimes the child is so shocked that you've acknowledged their feelings. That's enough for them to be like, oh, okay, I can relax. My mom gets it. At the conference, you're having that chat

and you're sitting down calmly. And it's nice that it's only the three of them because sometimes the fourth wheel or the other siblings can be like well it degenerates into a yeah and argument and they can be just like trying to get the sibling in more trouble yeah yeah well you don't know yeah he does this to me he's only three so they really can't go very big on the rules i mean three rules might be enough and they need to be you know no biting Three rules might be enough. And they need to be, you know, no biting.

We don't do that. We don't raise our voices at each other. There's to be no shouting. Yeah. And that's a really good one because mom and dad, I'm sure. Have to observe it too. If they have been dealing with this. It's very hard for people who haven't been trained not to shout.

Yeah. Especially when you're trying to get over the level of noise that he's making. Yeah. Yeah. And then it just escalates even more. It's out of control and no one's in control anymore. So, yeah. So tell the child that there's no shouting. Mummy and Daddy are going to try really hard. We're not going to show anymore.

And we would like you to stop shouting. How does it make you feel when we shout? Let him try and answer that and then let him say, well, you ask us, how does it feel when you're shouting? You wanted me to answer. And then obviously you have to talk about there is nobody in this house is allowed to use their hands to hurt and then talk about what hands are for.

So those are your three. Yeah, I think they need to make rules in the house. Then they need to explain to him. We are not having that we are having this meeting we're setting up these rules because this behavior is not okay anymore and we want our house to be happy and you are not allowed to behave like that you are three i know you understand you can we've talked about the rules you helped us make them i know you understand the rules so now there is going to be a consequence if you do any of these behaviors in our home okay and then you just have to remember to choose a consequence

that is achievable and won't ruin your life yeah no always no electrical appliances in the house yeah and you can tell your child i'm joking you just went yeah no oven or microwave no no an achievable consequence is literally no cartoons no cartoons yeah yeah or no well i hate the no story before bedtime because that's always a precious moment but if that's all you have then that's what you have to go for but you have to say to your child and don't worry i'm not just gonna it's not gonna be a surprise because i will always give you a warning when you're starting this behavior mommy loves you and i will say now i'm gonna warn you that's where i've fallen down in the past like that's it yeah you have to give the warning but to be fair to be fair to you anytime i've caught you doing that i'll say jar that's not actually fair and

you've gone back oh yeah sorry that's your warning yeah yeah that was a warning where i got really angry that was a warning i think that this woman is going to be scared to do this because she's afraid of the behavior and the first time she has to follow through on that consequence it's going to be awful yeah but she has got to not break that's why it has to be an easy consequence. So I would say even, okay, if you continue, now, you are shouting in this house. That is something we are not allowed to do to each other. I'm giving you a warning now. If you keep shouting, you are not getting a dessert after dinner today. Okay?

Something easy like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really easy. And then he shouts again. You went, okay, I warned you. Now you are going to have the consequence. Then after dinner, he doesn't get a dessert. Maybe he cries for a while. something easy like that yeah yeah and then he shouts again you went okay i warned you now you were going to have the consequence then after dessert then after dinner he just gets dessert maybe he cries for a while he'll get over it but what he learned is mommy means what she says is

three too young for the naughty step you know i hate the naughty step i am not a naughty step person and three is of course sometimes when i ask you these questions you get that i know the answer to it right sometimes i'm teeing you up i'm throwing an alley-oop it's your job to dunk it i'm so anti-naughty step now obviously if it works for your family absolutely do the naughty step but for me by the time that three-year-old sits on the step they don't know why they're there they also don't have a concept of time they feel rejected and now they're on a step and they're not quite sure what they did but they know that it wasn't good and it's just confusing for them like i think when they're older reflection time is good and doing those reflection sheets is great but i'm really not for the naughty stuff i just think it's exclusionary you're excluding them from the family it's not good it's also a it's a bit of a cheap

answer like i know that when kids are out of control out of control moms tend to do terrible terrible consequences like i know of people putting their kids in the garden in the shed in the shed jesus christ the shenado connor book oh my god oh wow i i know of people making their kids stand and face the wall oh and it's really tough when it's parents you know telling you these things and you're like what that's not okay i get that you're you feel out of control because they they're opening up to you because they feel bad about what they did yeah because they know it's wrong i want you to say it's okay yeah but like i it naughty steps i'm not for them but if they work for your family fine but i'm not i can't wait to hear back because i have a feeling there's gonna be a breakthrough here well i think hopefully

this will help this job just needs some clarity the rules will help if your kid's out of control yeah get in touch your name it will always be protected there is no way we will ever tell anyone who sent this email honey you're ruining your kid at gmail.com i think i love this question more than any question we've had in a long long time because i can relate so much to this dad okay i'm a shout out to all the dads who get in touch with the emails the amount of dads that get in touch with the emails. The amount of dads that get in touch.

Yeah, we definitely get more dads than moms. But also, maybe it's because they have more time on their hands. Who knows? God, I love this show,

this dad says. It's so good to tune in and no, I'm not the only dad getting it wrong. That's the point, right? Yeah, yeah. We're all getting it wrong

better each day. Yeah. Fail, fail fail better fail better yeah i think i've made my child anxious my wife is definitely blaming me for it he says he's recently developed uh-oh ticks okay oh lord he and my wife thinks it's because i put him under too much pressure or my standards are too high i had no one around who cared for me when I was his age and I just want him to be the best he can be. I think I've pushed him too far.

How do I get our relationship back on track? Now, and I say I relate to this. I mean, I definitely wanted and craved, like this dad, somebody to get behind me and be like, do this, you know? Yeah. But the difficulty in doing that is when you don't have a model for it yourself, that you end up being a slave driver or cracking the whip and saying that's not good enough you know whereas you can't because you've grown up you haven't you can't go back to where you were at that time know what you actually need to hear again your memory and the passage of time in your life means that the things you need to hear now to get you motivated are

completely different from what you needed to hear then so this dad with the best will in the world is unknowingly piling on pressure i would i would agree with his wife wouldn't you wouldn't you well i think he knows that because he's gotten in touch to say yeah you know he's basically that's why i feel for him so i can know that feeling and the child developing ticks is very tough but also seems to be very common very common especially post-pandemic seeing loads of it and we know that the best thing to do about that is not to bring them up unless the child does okay right and also to help in a very indirect, gentle way to kind of help them. Like if the tick is in their face, to encourage them to yawn. It's all about stretching.

We need to stretch it out. Get that feeling out of your body. What is a tick? Explain that. I feel like it is just nervous energy. Right. Yeah. And it is linked to anxiety.

So we all technically have ticks. Like when you feel like going who whoop, with your arm, when you feel like flicking out your arm like that, that's a tic. Like, yeah. I mean, I've never ever had that. You never feel like going, just like popping your shoulders? No. No.

You sure? No. Oh, come on. We all have. I haven't. I'm sorry. I really haven't. Okay. Like I did. Like you're a very anxious person so that time when you punched me and you said i was just a tip go on i'd never do that but honestly like you are a very anxious person

we know that you struggle with your anxiety maybe you know maybe you have a tendency, like it is just a, what did I say, a nervous energy that you no longer control. So you're saying the yawning, like actually stretching out your face is if you're yawning or... No, no. So your child will need ways to help them manage or disguise their tics until they go, which they can, they can go. And if they, you know, one of the, one of you, maybe the dad might be a nice way for them to bond. When I say don't bring it up, I mean, when it's happening, don't bring it up. Don't make them feel aware of it. But when it's not happening, talk to them about, you know, I've noticed these things are happening and I know how to help you with this. And the best thing for you to do is if you know they have a tick in their hand just to stretch out their hand it's all about you know rolling back your shoulders stretching out your face

you know widening your eyes a lot of kids tick with their eyes it's very tough on them just stretching that feeling out of their eyes and getting them in the habit of doing that okay so this dad feels like the horse is bolted now and he's done the damage. But I'd imagine that he's still hoping for the best for his son. Well, I think what he needs to do now to get the relationship back on track, he needs to take his son on dates.

Like, you know, he needs to have, you know, days that are just daddy and him fun days. Yeah, where there's no goal in days yeah where there's no pressure there's no goal like that's easy you do that a few times you're back on track and those are the best and like you have you never underestimate how much your child just wants to have some time with you even if it's just a walk out by the sea you know where you just talk and there's you he'll have to he's in a bad habit so he'll have to pull himself up every time he goes to wanting more or correcting him. And just be in a place where he listens.

But there are things he can do to restore this relationship. The fact that he wants to is fantastic. The fact that he's noticed is brilliant. The fact that it was pointed out to him him but he did actually come get there and realize okay i'm being too tough on my kid how do i stop myself from being too tough on my kid yeah so his question is how to get the relationship back on track so you said that the dates are a great thing to do yeah so you're talking go cinema together go bowling together go bowling might be tough because then it's down to goals and scores again.

I think it needs to be something that isn't pointed in direction where it can be like, the kid is feeling, oh, my dad's going to be judging what I'm doing. I think it should be, like you say, cinema, walk, or even just like, no fishing is not a thing that everybody does. Yeah, exactly. Going for hot dogs, like going to a bookshop and picking up books. I mean. Yeah, going to a game. Honestly, it going to a bookshop and picking up books. I mean. Yeah, going to a game. Honestly, it's pretty easy to impress your kid because they're happy to be on their own with you.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, even last night you said, I think he's having a challenging week. We should take him somewhere. In the end, we just went for a walk. Yeah, he was so happy. He loved it. He loved it way more than going to some computer game arcade.

You're right. I think sometimes as parents, we get so scared because we think we've got to do something special. And special normally means money. And you're like, well, I don't know if I have money for that this week. But sometimes it doesn't mean money to your child. It can just be going for a drive. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. Actually just getting in the car and driving somewhere. And we all know that when you've got your kid in the back seat or in the front seat and you're driving that's a great time to ask some questions.

Those chats are special. Yeah. It's a whole there's a whole area here and there's an awful lot to help this dad out there online. Yeah. And with his child though.

If he wants to look at it. Yeah. Jigsaw is an incredible parenting resource but with this child I have to say Jigsaw is an incredible parenting resource. But with this child I have to say that journal that I have bought. Yes.

That is incredible. It's called The Head Plan Journal. The Head Plan Journal. It is expensive as journals go. Yeah. So.

But it is worth its weight in gold. I think it's amazing. I do. It's available on Amazon. It's called a head plan. And if this boy is struggling with anxiety,

this is a really good practice for him to get into before bed. Yeah. And I can't stress how impressed I am by the head plan journal. I think it's a game changer. I think it's a shame

it's so expensive. I think 20 euro is expensive for a journal. Am I wrong? I don't think so. I think that a moleskin journal will be above that. And any of these ones that are anyway fancy will be that. It does seem like a lot, but I honestly, you will not regret a penny of it.

No, and I think it is suitable for kids probably five and older. Five up to 18. They've got to be able to write and express themselves that way. Well, even if they can draw yeah you know well that's our episode here on the free platforms

if you want to come over to patreon.com forward slash irishmanabroad you can get access to extra juicy content over there the episodes are a lot longer there there's bonus episodes there's all sorts of content

including one of my stand-up specials you'll get early access to things and news. That's what's coming. Patrons, of course, there's various different levels that you can choose from. So if you're somebody who can only support the show with a fiver, that's absolutely fine. And if you're somebody who can throw in 50, then you're paying for the people that can't afford it at all. We're delighted to make this podcast for you.

But Patreon is the only way that we support it financially and we'll be allowed to continue to make it for the years to come. So please do consider it this week. Come over to patreon.com forward slash Irishmanabroad and start enjoying the benefits over there today. Tina, thanks so much.

And thank you, Charlie. You got through the show, even though you're not well. I did. We got to, like I said, we got a chunk more to do yeah we do patreon stuff you're gonna love it come on over