Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - S2 EP6 Irrational Fears In Kids, Violent Siblings & Twins That Won't Eat

Episode Date: October 9, 2023

The number one zero judgement parenting podcast is back with child behaviour specialist Tina Regan and comedian/parenting chancer Jarlath Regan. This week on the show… Question 1: An overwhelmed mum gets in touch seeking help with her out of control 5 year old. What do you do when your older child is assaulting your younger child and you can’t get them to stop? Tina and Jarlath draw up a plan of action that will hopefully get her on the path to a happier home life. Question 2: There is a lot of talk about bed bugs at the moment, what do you do though if your child can’t sleep because they are convinced that they are covered in them. Tina suggests pivoting the other way completely. Embrace your kids irrational fear of bugs and feed them information that will help them understand an insects purpose. If you’ve had a similar experience please get in touch so we can pass on your advice to this desperately sleep deprived mum. Qu 3 : How do you get twins who are refusing to eat to eat their meals? If feeding your twins is all you’re doing in your day you will lose your mind. No mum should have to spend her whole day just trying to get a spoon in their child’s  mouth. What are the alternatives? Listen in and see if you agree with Tina and Jars advice. Thank you for supporting our show. Extra bonus content available on our Patreon. www.Patreon.com/irishmanabroad Jarlath and Tina want your parenting emails. Get them in to - [e-mail]. 

Honey, You're Ruining Our Kids, the parenting podcast from an Irishman abroad. It's all about helping you with this challenge of raising kids. I am a stand-up comedian and Tina is a child development expert with more than 20 years of experience in the business. There's actually zero judgment here and everyone does it their own way. At the end of the day, you have to do what suits your family. And I'm just here to try and help them. You gotta come down

to their level and give them a chance. You gotta give them a warning and say that is not okay what you did. Here's what's gonna happen. This sounds a lot

like our relationship. Jar, if you do that again there's gonna be no basketball for the rest of the week. If you're listening to this now on Monday morning, so are we. Because we're late doing it.

What kind of mad weekend it's been. How was your weekend? I hope you had a good one. I hope things are going well for you. I know that this first term back at school with kiddos, whether it's their first time in school or secondary school, very tough term, team, I have to to say i feel so bad for anyone who has more than one kid because i am so tired and i'm only managing one child in the morning i'm like

really we gotta get up at six now six o'clock it's too early no yeah it's a reason for moving closer to your school yeah we're gonna do that we going to move closer to the school just so we can avoid this thing. But you grew up opposite your school. I did. I was so envious of those kids. They would just rock in their pyjamas, basically. Well, yeah. Well, I wasn't allowed to go until like two minutes before school started. You weren't allowed to leave?

The house, yeah. Until two minutes to nine. Yeah. Because in my old... Because you'd be hanging around. Yeah. Loitering. Actually, the minute you got to school there, you had to line up.

So the earlier you got there, the longer you spent lining up. Tina's been complaining about being tired all day yesterday, even though I was the one that ran 31 kilometres. I ran a three quarters marathon. I watched. And Tina watched it. And I mean, she was exhausted. Okay.

I didn't quite understand how it's more exhausting to watch to be fair to me i am having a flare at the moment and i'm struggling with my pain management and i am sorry it i'm sure it's very annoying it's very annoying for jarla because you're it's i just can't get over these runners like yesterday because i'm in the mid flare i'm standing there watching all these people running around. I was like, how the fuck are they doing this? How are they not sore? Tina was convinced they were all on drugs.

I think they're all on drugs. They're not. They're not. They're all on drugs. I thought about this during the night. A lady finished doing the Terminator run. Yeah, she's just really fit. 31 kilometers and she can still run like the Terminator.

Tina, you just don't understand. When you don't have kids, all you've got is your runs in the evening and you're just pocketing in the good food into you, going for naps, getting to bed early. That Terminator lady, this is all she's got. So she's not juggling spinning plates. She's a runner.

Well, I was standing beside a very tired mom yesterday what when terminator lady came true and she was juggling two very cranky kids who were who just kept saying but where is that and she was and then the mom started off going we're here to cheer him on this is something your father loves to do and by the end of she's saying that yeah by the end like 20 minutes there she was like i don't know where he is like why is he taking so long and he's out there busting his bollocks trying to get back as quick as he can this terminator lady runs through and i just looked at the mom and we just both shared that look of what the hell is going on come on there's other people zombying through not knowing where dad is i just see in the notes here you've written down little girl who went

missing in new york found safe how little was this girl why have you put that in the note well first of all because it's a good story when do we hear of little girls going missing i've heard a little i heard of a little boy in the 90s who went missing in new york and he wound up staying in a big hotel and solving a bunch of crimes that took place. Okay, Jonathan. He was lost in New York. He wasn't just missing, he was lost. This is not funny. This little girl went camping with her parents.

Where? She was in New York. How do you go camping in New York, in Central Park? Like, what's going on? I don't know. I should have written down a few more details. But it was actually my friend Kathy who lives in England who was was telling us right in a whatsapp group and mom's they go camping they go camping and wake up in the morning she's gone the little girl's gone i think she's

like nine and they luckily he left fingerprints on something what they found her so fast who left fingerprints the guy who took her so somebody yoinked the kid? Oh yeah, somebody yoinked her. And they found her in his house. He had put her in a press, a cupboard. But she was found. I thought it was a good story. When do we ever hear about kids being found?

We don't. They go missing and they're done. There's so many issues with this story. First of all, the camping in New York. Who goes camping anyway? I'm sorry, crazy people. But New York is a First of all, the camping in New York. Who goes camping anyway? I'm sorry, crazy people. But New York is a funny one. Maybe they were from New York. And if they're out camping, what are the fingerprints left on?

The tent. I don't know the details. I should have read. But you know what? I don't understand people who go camping. I really don't. Do you remember how often kids... This is in my new show, Your your man the stand-up show that i'm touring at the moment uh i don't want to do too many shouts out for this but the fact is it's the biggest thing our family has ever done

yeah and it's the reason we're so tired shepherd's bush empire just went on sale on friday if you're listening in england get tickets they're nearly all gone but one of the one of the jokes in it is about how often you used to get lost as a kid yeah big time like where am i yeah and nobody was watching you so you'd have to figure out your way home yeah we were gonna figure this out i got lost a lot where did you get lost well no i got lost with my mom a lot we got lost from her no with her with yeah okay we got lost in northampton when we lived there for hours oh i remember that story but you know we were at the zoo on saturday yeah and i was in the toilet and i could hear a mom briefing a child on what to do when they got lost if no like honestly she had and i came out and she

was attaching a special bracelet to her that had her name and an alarm on it and was like when you get lost now there this is how people will know to get you back to me and i was like when she gets lost yeah and she was like three three or four i was like why do you think she's gonna get lost the kid yeah i was like put one of those things on her i mean what are they called leads we used to have one for mikey because he was a runner the dog lead on your kid i'm telling you we've got three banging questions for you we need you to keep emailing in your questions it is the lifeblood of the show yeah a lot of the questions tina will just answer if you don't want them to be on air that's cool yeah we get a lot of those it's obviously totally anonymous this is the first time i've actually been caught up on i hope keep them coming in honey

you're ruining our kid at gmail.com all of the emailers remain anonymous no problem too big no problem too small it's honey you are ruining our kid at Gmail. The link is in the info. We did an appeal for people with only children a while ago. We got some really lovely emails in from those people. They're all having a very nice life. And you worked in schools of all sorts yeah for years and years and you would have seen kids hit each other in class yeah yeah and you would have had to pull kids off each other right

violence among kids is not unusual that's what i'm saying no yeah and yeah there are times when you know in the yard especially in the playground, when you would have to physically take kids away from each other. So in that way, when people email in and our next email is about this and they're reluctant to say that this is happening. Yeah. It's mad because it's like it's so frequent. Right. That like. Well, their impulse control is not good.

So when they lose their temper, they tend to act out. It's not that there's badness in them. They're just reacting without considering. Hang on a second. I'm losing my temper here. Yeah. Yeah. So this person's really worried, though.

And this is when it gets to the point where it's like there's no reasoning with them. Like, I'd be interested to hear when you've seen that in school when they just continually do it what do you do that's what this mom is getting in touch with she says hi tina and jar absolutely love the show and i've never emailed in before but i really need help i'm at my wits end she says of a five-year-old girl and a four-year-old son my daughter is horrible to him for sometimes no reason at all or other it's just because he's taken something from her etc she will kick bite and push him i'm always telling her off and saying stop hurting your brother but nothing's working any advice please also she's just been told off for hurting her brother in

the garden i told her to get inside to go to her room she wouldn't so i had to chase her around the garden to get her hand to get her inside and she said to me to get off me or i'll bite you and she just had the most horrendous attitude, calling me an idiot, storming upstairs, banging her feet and slamming her door really loudly on purpose. And when I'm telling her off, she just ignores me. And when I say, do you understand? She ignores me. Nothing's working. She says, Tina, this is a horrible attitude that this kid has.

She says she's told she's been told off. I'm just at my wits end. I'm crying my eyes out she listens to her dad better than me which is an interesting little side note at the end well what's the first thing you say there well first thing is i feel really bad for this mom because she's always you see feeling a little bit out of control here because this little killer girl is only five five and you can't when you can't control little kids like that you're like oh my god you fear for the future all the time that's always it yeah you're like 15 yeah you're like oh my god she's gonna get bigger and stronger and

bolder and what am i gonna do and i think it's gonna be tough my answer to this question is tough because i don't think mom's gonna like it i don't think mom's not doing a great job obviously she loves her kid but she's so busy with the two of them being so close in age that it sounds like she is giving her child all the wrong attention right and that her that from what i've observed in the past like it's hard for me to be 100% on this because I'm not in the house, I'm not watching the child. But it really feels very similar to a child, loads of times I've seen it before,

where the kid can only get attention from the mom, from the really busy mom, when she yaks out. And acting out and hurting her brother is guaranteed attention i mean the chase around the garden it's so telltale of this is my time with my mom the child's maybe enjoying it on some level they just want the attention if that's how they get it they're happy this though right because there would still be people going no this kid has a patience issue yeah oh i don't argue that the kid is unhappy and has an anger issue there's feelings of jealousy for her brother if she's hurting her brother definitely that relation oh no it's not all the mom but i think the way the mom is handling it needs to change right and that's the hardest

because that mom is frazzled okay well let's get to that okay but let's start with the even more common thing than the biting and the gicking wait your turn yeah how do you teach your kid to wait until it's your turn with the red crayon how do you model that behavior how do you get that as part of the home rather than grab and snatch and if mom's not here i am going to wrestle yeah your hand well it's trying to allow your child to understand that you get that waiting is hard that you get oh i can i know you you need that right now don't you and oh it's so hard to wait but they actually need it at the moment too so when they're finished using it then you can use

it but he's taking all day i know he's taking a long time and it's so hard isn't it to wait is there something you could be doing now while you're waiting and then when he's finished you can go back to that is there something you could do that could make him jealous of what you have? No, but it is all about how you talk to them about it. Because it's like, you're going to have to wait. I feel like that is, the Montessori classroom is so incredibly magic that way. Maria Montessori was so clever. There is one of every piece of equipment in the Montessori classroom.

Really? You will never have a double. People do have that thing, don't they? Yeah. Some people will go, Montessori classroom. Really? You will never have a double. People do have that thing, don't they? Yeah. Some people will go, Montessori classroom is just preschool. It's a whole method of learning. Yeah, that you can do from zero to 18 years of age. And the classroom is equipped with these items.

It's all a fully prepared environment. And you will never get more than one. So straight away, the child learns that you have to wait and respect the other person's turn. So is that an idea in terms of breeding patience in your kids? Stop buying one each. Oh, absolutely. I mean, they should respect that, you know,

you shouldn't have in your house, there shouldn't be multiples just to keep your kids happy. We've all done it, right? We've all done it. We have. Don't, please do not buy one. Oh, the thing that gets on my nerves the most, though, is if it's somebody's birthday and you're told, and buy their siblings a present, too, because they all get presents.

And you're like, what? That's insanity. That's not okay. But anyway, that's another day. Yeah. Yeah. that's not okay but anyway that's another day yeah yeah but look it is it is about just kind of empathizing with them they're getting angry because they feel angry they have to wait so you can just be like name those emotions this little girl needs a lot of work with her emotions so you

can be like yeah it is hard to wait i find it hard to wait too it's so hard to be patient isn't it right so let's also you can set a timer for the other kid and say you've had the crayon a long time right now i'm gonna have to give you so much like i'm gonna put the egg timer on and when it's finished that is your turnover so do what you can now and your sister's gonna have a turn and then if she's taking too long we'll do the egg time with her it needs to be fair that seems fair i'm also reminded of that uh instagram video of the kid going say it again when can i the big sister yeah borrow because we both know from being younger siblings yeah that oh if you want the red crayon i'll get you red crayon yeah in my own sweet time yeah so you have

to protect against that too now let's get to modeling fairness let's get to the overflow the volcano of this kid where do you begin when it feels like the horse is bolted like this mom is saying wit's end when she's saying she's crying her eyes out and my heart goes out to you if you're in that situation too no but it can start to feel like you can't pull back the lens you can't go can we just all take a breath yeah and she's probably having feelings about her daughter you know she's probably like you know that's why she's crying because she's like why is my little girl like this what did i do wrong the four and a five year old and the mom and she mentioned the dad they need to sit down together

and talk about you know things in the house that make them feel unhappy and ways they can get around it i'm not saying implementing rules or anything because this family just needs to talk they just need to start talking to each other about the effects of behavior and allow the children to talk and even if they say some batshit crazy stuff, you don't have to correct them. Just let them open up and chat. And then they just need to start talking more about their feelings in the house and reading books about feelings and processing feelings

and reflecting before bedtime on, you know, when you did that today, it made me feel sad. But when you did this, I was really proud and happy of you. And I'm happy that you're talking more about your feelings. The mom needs to carve out, and I know this is impossible for so many moms. She needs to carve out some special mommy and little girl time together. Because that little girl is craving attention. I know it doesn't make sense, but she is.

And she needs to feel like mommy cares about her in a positive way where it's not always just being told off she's acting out for a reason we don't know what the reason is there's maybe she is jealous of her brother maybe her brother's just better behaved because sometimes the younger sibling when they have an older sibling who's a bit of a ragamuffin they will just you know police themselves and try and be the good kid so maybe he's easy and you know maybe she's the only one causing trouble and but that's how she gets her attention from mommy also mommy needs to practice not reacting well that's where i wanted to ask next right because so we've got two things so far the first is the patience and trying to model patience

and isn't it and understanding them empathizing with the idea that the patience and trying to model patience and isn't it and understanding them empathizing with the idea that isn't it hard to wait for things yeah and then maybe coming in with controls sure if the little boy is taking the wind up merchant yeah and the second thing is the meet up the sit around the table the agreement on what's acceptable behavior in the home we've done this loads of times it works for so many people so many people absolutely trust tina on this the sit down and the little work out of a very simple family constitution yeah we can and can't i don't even think this family could do the rules yet because they just need to start talking to each other first principles yeah now i really get the sense

that what this mom is waiting for in this answer is, but what do I do when it's happening? Yeah. What's the correct mode here to escape the situation or quell the anger? Okay. So she said her daughter hurt her son in the garden, right? Yeah. And she told her daughter to go into the house and she didn't listen and she ended up chasing. Now, what i would

do in that situation is never chase you've given your daughter an instruction she has not done it okay i think sending a five-year-old to the room is a little much but i'm not in this house so i don't know we don't know what she's been pushed to yeah if that's what she said she has to follow true i understand that but if your daughter's not going to go in what can you control there you can control your son you can say right i'm bringing him into the house we're going to do something nice you don't have to tell him that you just distract him and be like oh i have something to show you and she can stay in the garden right because she hasn't done what you've told her to do you're not going to react to that you're going to bring your son in and do something

nice you're not going to lock the door range and you're going to keep it that your daughter can come in and when she comes in you just go okay up to your room you gotta follow through if she runs out to the garden again that's fine ignore that when she comes in okay it's time to go up to your room and until it happens but you stay calm you are not to lose your temper you're going to say things when she comes in you're going to say okay we need to go up to your room now and you know how many however long you do that i don't know i don't really condone sending kids up to their room sure but you condone the follow-through on well what we agreed was yeah you're going to sit here and do a think sheet or you're going to sit here and that for a five year old, that's a really good idea.

When she goes up to the room, I want you to draw a picture of what you're feeling right now. What happened in the garden and how you're feeling. And then when you come back to them, you can be like, I'd like to talk about your picture with you. And then it's another time for them to open up about, well, what did happen? What made you angry in the garden? What are your feelings? And then you get a chance then to leave it in a positive and be like, I'm really happy you listened and came up to your room and I told you.

Thank you for drawing this picture. It helps mommy understand what you're thinking. And you end with a hug and then you go because you don't want a screaming match. You're not going to get better behavior from your child if you leave them shouting at them and screaming at them and being, you know, unkind to them and then being kind to you what you want is a happy kind resolution because you want your daughter to associate the next time with well i don't need to lose my temper i can i can just say i'm feeling angry you know they just want to feel heard so i know this isn't going to completely answer this question we'll obviously

come back to more similar situations but that's the very beginning right yeah because i can feel off this mom yeah that she's saying what a lot of my friends have said to me when they asked me about this podcast like what do i do though when it's constant, when it's all day, every day? I turn my back. He's battering the head over. Simple answer is stop giving the attention to the little girl. If she's biting her brother and hitting her brother, take him, distract him, take him out of the room. Don't give anything to her for it.

Give him loads of attention. Bring him out of the room. You know, cuddle him him read him a book she doesn't get attention for that and then make sure there's parts of your day where you're like oh my goodness i can really notice that you're really helping your brother or you're such a good sister today but don't give her negative attention she's craving it that's all she associates with mommy time at the moment. You know what you were saying about getting the dad on site there? Well, I don't think you even said it, but it was kind of implied that if you're going to do this in that last question, that you have to get dad to be on site.

Yeah, actually, that's good that you said that because we didn't say that. Yeah. But you're right. It's easier said than done though isn't it because certainly for a time i enjoyed being mikey's best pal yeah and you were the cops we were the gringos trying to get away with mad shit all the time look you know i'm not generalizing but i kind of am going to generalize we went to see on saturday and there were so many dads on dad dates with their kids like so many everywhere i was like dad dates with other dads yeah who were kids and like it was like we do not judge we do not judge

parents but i saw some kids getting away with mad shit at the zoo. And they knew it. They knew. Oh, my God. And the dads, like, totally couldn't parent them. And I was like, how can you have a three-year-old and still not be able to just get down to their level and say, this is not okay. You know you're not allowed to do this. Stop doing this. This was the extent of it.

Here, now. Okay, we're going home. That's mad. Come off that. Come off that. You know you're not allowed on that and i'm feeding you to the lions i heard that they're not listening to that i saw a dad say to his kid that's it we're going home and then i passed them and he was buying her ice cream i was like you got definitely was my parenting style for a while it is funny because you kind of have to get into your partner's head with her because it's not always the dad yeah there's stay-at-home dads who mom arrives back from work and she's a hero she's

back and and and you can feel then as the partner, I can't really encroach on that. He only gets to see his dad so much. Yeah. But I don't want to take away the specialness of that. Yeah. I know that you cut me a lot of slack because I was away a lot at the time. Yeah. How do you communicate to your partner that it's going to be better if we're all on the same page and we're both authority figures?

Well, I think you actually just have to have that open conversation. I mean, you have to sit them down and go, I'm finding it really hard and i need you to have my back like it's not actually helping my parenting when you go off and just do whatever you want when i'm trying to implement something here and you bring up stay-at-home dads and actually from what i've seen with stay-at-home dads they're actually even tougher on themselves than stay-at-home moms like i've known a lot of states well i've known a lot of stay-at-home moms like i've known a lot of stay well i've known a lot of stay-at-home dads who take the responsibility so serious like taking care of the house trying to keep up to these standards that they know that their wife or mother of their

child would do if she was home that they've i've seen dads have to get into respite for a week. Yeah, I had one dad who had to go and get help because he was trying so hard to do everything that he actually ran himself into the ground. He needed a week in one of those care facilities, you know, where you go and get a bit of pampering. Look, I know that happened. Yeah. But how many moms need that?

Oh, absolutely. And aren't going. Sure, I'm for everything. Yeah, I how many moms need that? Oh, absolutely. And aren't going. Sure, I'm for everything. Yeah, I know. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's true. There I am feeling sorry for the dad. Yeah, there I am.

There I am feeling sorry for him. Until you said that. And I'm like, oh, man. Respect. Yeah. Yeah. The dad needs. I think his wife was a Queen's council or something like she had a proper

crazy stressed out job yeah 24 7 and the kids were so well they were so good in my class anyway i don't know you never know what they're like outside of school but uh you're right like how many times have we passed the hospital and i've been like god i'd love a week in there i used to before i had mikey always get a week or two in hospital and the thing is when you become a mom you just don't allow your body to do that anymore you just don't like even when i'm really sick i'll be like i'll be grand because you just incredible power to push through i would say that if you are smart that dad was smart it's not smart what i'm doing position though as the knowing listening to this a lot of dads who listen, that I am not on the same page as my wife.

And I am very much the outlaw with my kids. And we're trying to get away with getting as much stuff into the trolley or having the crack as much as possible. One thing that you need to stop doing as that dad is bitching about your wife behind her back to the kids. Yeah, you don't think that happens. She's such a pain, isn't she? You don't do that, do you? Never. Never.

Tina. Like I have had times where, you know, our boy has tried to give out about you and I've had to pull him up on it. We don't talk about it. He's got to run this marathon. One thing that Mikey and I do tend to roll our eyes about a tiny bit is your number of phobias, which leads right in to our next question. Tina has many phobias. Don't bring them up i won't but i was standing in for sean moncrieff last week and we had a really fun chat with an exterminator about

the bed bugs situation in paris oh the bed bugs this has just added a whole hour to me trying to get to bed at night now this is a four-year-old that is extremely concerned about the bed bugs i have no idea what to do with this this parent parent says. Maybe you can help. This is an SOS with a crying face on it. My four-year-old is scared of bugs. During the day, it's an inconvenience at best. If a spider or an ant is near him, he'll

just yell and run away. Very much like you, Tina. Hey, I'm the brave one. No big deal. But at night, he started waking up with night terrors about bugs. He's convinced they're in his room, on his body, on his hands, flying around. He's right. They are.

He wakes up screaming, the poor lad. And when I tell you I've never heard anything like these screams. Oh no, during the the night that's awful the first night it happened i basically levitated out of my bed yeah because it sounded like he was being murdered the most blood curdling screams you've ever heard in your life get the guards called to your house for these screams i wonder has he seen arachnophobia or something. Anyway, I go in there over and over again, but he will not settle or go back to bed. This goes on all night. Whoa, this is severe.

Okay. Many hours and into the morning with no resolution. This kid must be exhausted. He's probably seeing bugs. He's so tired at this point. I've tried everything I can think of, telling him they're're not real turning the lights on to show him the room i even bought a lavender pillow spray and told him it was a magic bug spray always worth a go sprayed that around the room let him spray it nothing has worked now i work during the day and my husband. Sorry, she now took a job.

She says, no, I work during the day and my husband works midnight shift. So I'm seriously burning the candle at both ends here. Oh God, the poor woman. I'm going without sleep, sometimes days at a time. Oh my goodness. This is super serious. I'm at a loss. He's terrified. I'm exhausted.

Does anyone know what you do in this situation? I know it's just a phase i hate when people say that it's just a phase it'll be fine you're like in the meantime i've got to live through that phase yeah she says i'm desperate to help him myself get some sleep right i mean oh my goodness the poor child first of all the poor goodness. The poor child, first of all. The poor mother, but the poor child. Like, my advice, I always, when I go to say it, I'm always like, this can't be what you're going to say, Tina. Daryl is shaking his head. But what I'm going to say is, embrace it.

Embrace this book thing. What? Buy him some book books. Buy him a book hunting kit. Learn about books. Buy him those little insect plastic toys get the interest somewhere else redirect what the bug thing to something amazing right bring him to an ant farm we're doing with the kid that wouldn't let go of their poo

that you're showing them the pipes you're explaining plumbing you're essentially yeah weaponizing their own fear yeah against them to say look at how fascinating yeah look at their jobs why do we have bumblebees what is their purpose oh right they actually collect the pollen and they do that thing that i can't think of right now i should know they pollinate other flowers and they make honey and they all have a purpose what is the spider what's the spider doing what what's the life cycle of a spider like just learn the purpose of a wasp is to be a pain in the hole yeah no purpose and that would be fun one to explain as well i mean i i really think bring them to an ant farm bring them get them out with the book hunting kit talk about them you know like i read take whatever fear

is there and put it to sleep you think you could turn this in a day well he's afraid what is fear you're afraid of the unknown you're afraid of what could happen yeah teach him about what the books are teach him like show him read loads an ant farm. They're actually very hard to start. It's extremely difficult. Mikey told me, you have to buy a very expensive queen ant or something. It's not bananas. No, well, like, I mean, she has tried a lot of stuff, but she hasn't gone to just information.

Yeah. Reading about it, going and finding out about these things, you know, bringing them to, I mean, there was a butterfly farm at our old place. It was amazing. Do you remember? Oh, I do, was a butterfly farm at our whole place it was amazing do you remember oh i do yeah butterfly world yeah it was cool but you know this is a tricky one to hear because yes it's not gonna like obviously those blood curdling screams and stuff in the middle of the night get a huge reaction and probably get loads of hugs and a lot of yeah well i mean you couldn't tell her not to do that because they need that but if you a natural history museum yeah i think get him out

there immerse him in all this stuff show him it's not that scary maybe don't watch the david attenborough ones because i find them terrifying when he does the books why do the books have to get so big on the telly sorry i'm just saying don't watch david attenborough's thing is like what's your little phobia like creature phobia well like if i think about anything i don't want it i don't like it and i you know but mean, this is not a phobia. This is fear. He's afraid. But like, I'm just saying that, like, there's you're saying there is a boundary here. If you go in too deep, like the what were they called?

Tentagrades or something. Those things that look like willies. They're these tiny invisible little things that live on our skin. And can't be killed they're little worms with a mouth on them yeah don't watch the curse cassette on those but they're disgusting you know the risk this mom is probably thinking yeah this is a great idea but i've got to do it so carefully because if i picked up a picture of a bug and showed it to him he'd run from the room at this point yeah maybe so maybe

bring him to a really nice bookshop or library and just let him flick through these things first like he'd run screaming from a natural history museum by the side nah i don't think so i don't think so because he knows they're not real in there they're dead but like i mean he obviously has a fear completely but i mean she has to go the other way now she's tried so many things i feel like this is worth trying so let's say that let's take another fear then right so that's what you would do with it i would also tell him that i bought new bed sheets that are some of this insect repellent yeah he needs the light in his room some of this is the dark. In fact, I didn't know after doing that bedbugs thing

that there's actually a bedbugs alarm mattress that you can get that will tell you if you've got bedbugs that you can buy. What if it goes off during the night? Then you know you've got a bedbug. Oh, God. Would you rather not know? I'd rather not know.

Well, if it's darkness, it's the fear. A really common one nightlight perfect that's what you do yeah absolutely they don't need to be in the dark why do our kids need to be in the dark in their rooms put in the nightlight or just don't have really heavy curtains i think anyway i think that or flashlights are great but yeah i mean i know jerry you're not happy with my answer there oh i am i just think it's not going to be easy. I think. I think that your kid is, this kid sounds deathly scared.

Yes. So what she needs to do is be very careful with her language when she's talking about the books and stuff. Because in essence, children will follow your lead. And if you're not afraid of bugs and everything that's a good leading place to be and then also making it seem like

it's super exciting we're going on a book hunt let's get out our magnifying glass and let's see if it captures them in our little glass case hunt them or kill them you know

we used to do book hunts with Mikey all the time it was so cute or print out a page of all different kinds of insects let's go see if we can find any in the environment today and make sure that you only go outside because bugs live outside not inside we're not going to find any of these in the house because bugs only live outside it's all about your language right so you're trying to push past this thing where he thinks he's covered in the midnight yeah but that's a tricky one because that's an

irrational fear yeah that is an irrational fear and i guess she did a really clever thing with the spray it did not work though so she might actually have to buy an actual can that says insect repellent on it which she obviously can't put on his yeah bedspread because she would kill him but also she could pretend that she's bought special covers that repel them too. But if you're a kid, it actually has. This is a really interesting question, I think. I'm getting nervous. Kids think mad stuff.

All the time. That's why you can't allow them to go into it. Yeah. That's what I mean about leading. Bring a bug spray into the house. Yeah. Aren't you going a little bit along the lines of going, yeah're a legitimate fear here let's spray the place down well it's a tough one because it's gotten this one has gone a bit far that's why i'm saying go the other direction altogether

let's read about books let's educate ourselves on books let's show him that in the books it does not say they live in the house they live outside you know these are outside things did you ever have a kid in your class who was so afraid of a thing that like it was disrupting the class were a huge thing in kildare yeah i don't know why there was so many wasps because but horseflies were way worse i felt if you got bitten by a horsefly you were you're punched i don't really know i've had kids who are afraid of other kids in the class, and that's pretty rational fear sometimes. But I know, like, I have a lot of irrational fears. I do.

You do. I do. And if I start thinking about them, I can't come out. So I get it. It's not easy. I'll be interested to hear how this person gets on. If you've got something similar in your life, we'd to hear from you let's pull the information it's really hard without knowing the child's personality it's so hard to just guess like if i knew this kid i'd be like ah

that's what we need to dump a bucket of bugs over his head i would never do that that's horrible to even think about it because those little moments, this is obviously on the mom's mind. Oh, she's not getting any sleep, darling. It's awful. Like, what are we going to do to get more sleep here? I think Tina's given some really good advice there. If you've a similar situation,

then please do get in touch. Okay, final question of the day. I am a parent of twins. They are 17 months old. Heart already goes out to this person. 17 month old twins. Feeding is extremely stressful. They don't eat

as we try to feed them. They always avoid opening their mouths when we bring the spoon close. Feeding takes over an hour, three times a day. And a lot of the food is wasted, being thrown away on the floor or just remains uneaten. We try different foods and are still introducing new foods. We try diverting attention and then we put the spoon in their mouths. But now they're smart enough to push the spoon away or move their faces away before we take the food. At the beginning, we tried self weaning.

You know, like when they really eat food, like pick it up in their hands, not pureed. Which worked fine as they discovered food, but now it's worse. It's become very stressful and tiring and frustrating. Sleeping at night is also another stressful event where it takes an hour or so to put one baby to sleep. We are struggling. Please help. Any advice you have would be great. I just want my children to be able to eat as normal without having to spend an hour or more just for them to eat a few spoonfuls. Holy moly. Whatever's going on in your parenting life right now, spare a thought for this parent,

Tina. What do you say? Well, it's a really hard one because she's right. It's stressful. She has to get those kids fed. What age? They're one and 17 months. What's that?

A year and a half. Yeah. I feel like though when they're that age, I mean, it must be really hard to twins, but you do spend that much time feeding them, right? Like it takes a long time.

That's a lot now. Yeah. For a couple of spoons? Yeah. Come on. Well, I think, isn't it, you know, they're obviously

distracting each other. Mm-hmm. Also, it is okay for them to have solids now, right? Yeah. I mean, you might.

You think there's too much that the weaning is the way to have solids now, right? Yeah. I mean, you might... You think there's too much... that the weaning is the way to go? Well, I think there's two things that mom needs to do here. One, if she's going to stick with the spoon and the pureed food, she needs to have their hands busy doing something while she's trying to feed them.

If they're doing something in their hands, playing with Play-Doh or painting or something, they'll be distracted enough for her to be able to just feed them into the mouth okay like that just works for most kids i'd be very surprised if she i mean there's two kids so it's much harder for her but if she's able to just occupy them it's bang bang in they're swallowing the food they're not even consciously eating hands yeah also sometimes remember when if we were struggling sometimes she's going in the car but she can't do that she's got two kids and you can't do that every time so but if she's desperate and they haven't eaten anything at all

that day i used to drive the car and you'd be in the back yeah and when he was distracted but definitely occupying the hands now another thing i think she might need to do is i think without realizing it she might have put like a lot of pressure on the eating. Because it's such a stressful occasion for her. You know, it must be. That would be stressful for anyone, getting the food ready, everything. So I think she needs to put music on. There needs to be a really happy atmosphere.

She needs to have colorful plastic bowls. Right. And she needs to have different foods out there. Give them a chance to just feed themselves. Okay. Because this spooning doesn't seem to be working. So let's see if they can just free hand, you know. They pick it up and throw it on the floor.

Well, they're going to do that sometimes. That's just kids, okay? But they're more likely to explore and eat more unless they have a problem with their swallow. Right. And there's some reason that child has to have puree. They're more likely to pick up bits of the banana and the bread and the

mashed potato and eat it themselves. You know, also that's a great opportunity. I know this is not really good practice, but it's a great opportunity to praise the other baby and be like, oh, look at you, you're doing a great job eating. And the other baby will want to turn them against each other.

They'll make each other competitive. But it is a tool that can be used because they will want the praise. Yeah, this is desperation. I mean, this poor mom needs to get her kids fed. They need nourishment. Yeah, they need food. And she means it. You are a great lad for eating your food. Also, can I just say, I know it's really hard if you've got twins

and I know you've got these set times to feed them. Sometimes those set times just don't work and just give yourself a break. Okay. Just think, okay, I've tried this. I've tried to put them in their high chairs. I've tried to make it really, you know, a set thing to do. But maybe those kids will eat better if you leave plates on a small table and they are able to just crawl up and take food when they're hungry. Because they're only one and a half and they will get bigger and they will come to the table and eat dinners with you and have, you tapas and try different foods but right now maybe for an easier life for that mom just at different points

of the day she can leave food out on the table and monitor them and watch them. I've seen Tina do this and it does work. I mean I don't know if they're crawling or walking yet. They'd be walking at that age 70 and more. I think so. They need to be able to walk to be able to just take food

because you don't want them to choke. It must be very cute when they're doing that and they're like, grab a snack. Yeah, but I mean, it's all about, this mom is stretched

and she's trying to do it an exact way. And sometimes that's not right. Like there's so many times I've looked back and I thought, why did I need him to go to sleep at that time? He didn't want to.

But I had an idea. That's what they say you're supposed to do. See? Yeah. Remember it vividly. It's hard because you're in the trance. And you also aren't getting enough sleep. You're not getting enough sleep.

Wow. Well, look, good luck to this, Mom. I know it's a short answer. Yeah, well, at the bedtime. But we do want to hear back. How do we help her at bedtime? I mean, putting kids down, twins. I mean, it's's gonna take an hour

well i had twin cousins as well and i can remember that was a conversation that one would wake up the other yeah that then if one even you know tapped the side of the cot it would wake the other one yeah i do think sandboxes are amazing and music boxes for putting kids to sleep because then once they get used to being put to sleep with it when you think they're waking up you can just press it back on and it puts them they associate it with sleep all the time though don't i about the kid next door oh that lived next to us because these music boxes like they're like black magic yeah you haven't tried one we used it for years years and we just put it on. To the point where I would put Tina to sleep. Yeah, well, that happened a lot at the start. I was very tired.

But there was a kid next door and we were living in one of our first houses in England. And I mean, it was not right what was happening here because this kid was being put to bed at five in the afternoon and crying like right through the night. Right through the night. And so we would get in the habit of when we went to bed and we'd still hear him crying. It was just awful. We'd hold the sandbox up to the wall and put him to sleep. But it would help him. But also it wasn't helping him really, was it?

Because the mom was thinking the crying to sleep, which now we know is not good practice. Do not do that. Is working. And also when we went home to Ireland, what did he do? What happened then? I don't know. Look, good luck to this mom again. Honey, you are ruining our kid.

At gmail.com is the place to email. Come on over to Patreon for the final chunk of today's episode. I'm going to do a lightning round with Tina on some of your shortest, sharpest questions around everything relating to child behavior breaking habits and all sorts i've got a bunch of great questions that have come in i'm going to hit her up with those we're going to get some quick answers and some feedback on some

previous emails and how those have worked out patreon.com forward slash irishman abroad tina thank you so much no i'm panicking because you know I hate those kind of comments you better pan love you Jerry