Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - S2 Ep7 The Kid That Won't Sleep, Friendship Challenges & The Kid That Lashes Out!

Episode Date: October 16, 2023

Three great questions from three brave listeners this week and to start with a discussion about online safety. "Cilter" is a new technology that is being developed to ease every parents nightmares. Mobile phones seem to be an essential item our kids have to have, yet the minute they possess one we are putting them in danger. It’s a hard circle to square. We need safety systems to protect our kids. Cilter needs your help. Get in touch http://www.kidsonlinesafetyresearch.ie/ and help inform the development of this much needed technology. Question 1- A very sleep deprived mom of four gets in touch after trying everything to keep her 7 year old in his own bed at night. It’s a daunting one for Tina as this incredible mum seems to have already exhausted all the go to resources. Question 2:Friendship problems just never go away. How do we help guide our kids through the constant friendship turmoils. Do we need to watch our own language and emotions that tend to resurface when we are triggered by our own past friendship experiences? Question 3- What do you do when what used to make your baby a sassy little lady is now more worrying. Hitting out not only at home but at strangers in the supermarket. How can you help your toddler know what we use our hands for and how to appropriately express their feelings. Listen in to this week's episode of Honey You’re Ruining Our Kid and see if you agree with Jar and Tina’s advice. Send any parenting questions, situations and solutions to [e-mail]. Zero judgement is guaranteed. See www.patreon.com/irishmanabroad for even more episodes and content from Jar and Tina.

What do you think is the number one threat to your kid today, whatever age they are? I would have, as a child, thought bears, quicksand, anvils falling from the sky. Really? Too much word for me. You said kidnappers. Yeah. Yeah, that was also a thing. Yeah.

That someone was going to drag me into a van. And burglars, because my most terrifying show when I was a kid was Crime Watch UK. Now, the next story we're going to cover is a little bit violent. So if there are kids still awake, now would be the time for them to go to bed. I remember being like, oh God, what am I about to hear? I was frightened all the time throughout the 80s. Of being very old? Just all the time.

It was a bad state. Yeah. When your kid's a little bit afraid. But what would you say? Well, kidnapping was always on our mind. I lived in an estate. And there was one. There was always.

There was an attempt at kidnapping on your estate. Yeah. Remember you told me the story. Yeah, you're right. Oh my God, you're so right. They came out of the van. You're right. I totally forgot about that.

Yeah, no, there was always, there was a lot of stuff. In Navan, especially where I'm from, a few times kids got pulled into the back of the van on the way down from where I lived to Flower Hill. What? Yeah. So it was really like. It was legit.

It was legit fear. If we're bringing it forward to 2023, I would say the biggest danger facing your kids is the passageway to the Internet that they hold in their hand. Big time, the phone. No doubt about it. We are in the wild, wild west in terms of... The wiki wild west. Wiki, wiki wild wild, Will Smith, Salma Hayek. Ahead of his time with that song.

Wikity, wikity, wild wild west. One of the worst films ever made. I don't think I watched it. But prophetic because this is a wild time. Like I've said for ages, how is my phone able to know what runners I want? What type of holidays I want to go on can detect when I'm thinking about maybe booking a hotel. That's the one that always gets me. I was just thinking about that.

out maybe that's the one that always gets me i was just thinking about that but it cannot spot when somebody is being mean racist or abusive well that's all about to change well hopefully and they this wonderful friend of ours kathy from cinemile podcast has been in touch she runs incredible campaigns we also talked about one of our campaigns was the consent campaign which is still running and they are now looking for parents to get in touch because they are trying to inform a new cutting edge technology that will be used in our phones to help protect our children so it integrates into the phone yeah Yeah. Essentially a filter or a kilter, a children's filter, if you will. We think it's called kilter. I went full Pat Kenny there. So this is it.

It essentially does what I'm saying I would have liked the algorithm to do. Yes. So the technology will sit in the operating systems of the smartphones and will hopefully prevent children from being exposed to cyber bullying grooming self-harm content as well as alerting parents and guardians if their child is attempting to send or receive this content i mean if ever there was something we all need the phone is such a worry for me and it's like i'm always saying to people you gotta take the time in the evening to look through those messages now that is hard to find that time but it's so

important it's also hard to get access as well yeah because they guard them with their life well i think if your child is aged between 11 and 14 and they have a phone one of the rules have to be that you read it so they need you they've asked us to do a call out because they need parents and guardians to email in with their experiences because they need those experiences to inform the creation of this so the email which i might get jarla to read out we'll pop it in the info as well yeah because since i've got braces yeah i noticed it's... That's no problem. The email is going to be in the info, so you can find that. The public consultation is taking place at kidsonlinesafetyresearch.ie. That's where you can click on the website and go in there and make some contribution,

whatever you think. That's probably the best way to go about this. They just need a lot of parents to go. What been what are you dealing with what are you coping what would you ideally like this to do like i know it sounds very uh in its infancy this idea but it's not this is this is moving forward at pace and these things can be online in under a year and we do there is a race against time here because yeah we need doing damage right now we need this i mean it's it's a stress yeah this is as stressful as the vans pulling up outside to drag the kids into it now uh on the tiktok i saw one parent's attempt to scare their kids straight in relation to being careful yes okay there's multiple examples of this where they

had set up a sting to encourage the kid to get in a stranger's van and go um so zan's uh friend she's not coming down you gotta jump in with me and the kid gets in the back of the van no yeah what age is the kid like 13 no and masked men in the back of the van pin him to the floor in the van this is a sting oh my god pin him to the floor in the van and he's like no oh no it's the mom and the dad in the masks i mean they pull off and go what you doing why what have we taught you the meantime he's just like fully maybe the worst and best way to get through to your kid, you're not being careful enough. It's so hard to get that through to your kid.

But I saw equally, well, not as terrifying, but a cute one where a mom is trying to talk to her tiny little toddler about not taking sweets from strangers. And she's like, what are you going to do if somebody offers you sweets? I'm going to take them. I'm going to say, thank you so much. He's totally conflicted on the manners and the need for sweets and the danger of the people giving. I think our children are so tech savvy, but they're more innocent than they've ever been.

And that's why they're so fun and when you say innocent you mean they don't know what the person's intentions could be like what would they possibly why would i don't think they grew up they don't see them they don't they don't see themselves as sexy yeah they didn't grow up watching dallas and what are those other why would dallas well we watched a lot of sexy stuff as kids. Yeah, but they're... They don't watch sexy stuff. Well, like, this was the thing, right?

That, you know, we learned flirtation from Dynasty. Dynasty, that's it. And Falcon Crest. I was only 10 in the morning. Like, I remember you it was always a thing in those shows of women showing up in trench coats and nothing else that's completely gone out of fashion i have to say a big part of everyone's day it was a huge part like i said my team is always asking uh mikey uh so

is there any uh girls or boys or boy and um i eventually stopped him after maybe the hundredth time she's asked this question and been met with complete blank of absolutely not uh i said tina you're making him think that it was just an orgy in your school. You were in school. Sure, we were shifting the faces off each other at all times. I think I've mentioned it before, but I did go to a very highly sexualized school. Old girls school. No, this is when I was in primary.

Oh, the primary was. Yeah, there was a lot of stuff going on in that school. And we had to have like a really intensive sex education class and turd class. Yeah. So like on the one hand, I do think these kids have a lot of fear. I think there's a lot of fear. Yeah, there's a lot of fear. Two to three years and probably we're behind the eight ball in some of this because we're as scared as anyone. Oh, yeah.

As parents of this generation, we're like, you've no idea the mental stuff that can come through that phone to you. Yes. And you can't unsee it. Can't unsee it. And that's why we need this. So please get involved if you can. Jarla will put the link in the bio. Yeah.

And it'd be great if you just shared your experience. Yeah, well, let's get to question number one then shall we hi charlotte and tina love the podcast and have listened since the beginning oh gee always recommend it to my friends and anyone who listen anyways i am a mother of four with ages ranging 14 to 4 so i'm constantly learning and working on trying to do as best we can with a crazy strong-willed bunch. Our main struggle is our 7-year-old and bedtime. We've just run out of ideas, so I'm turning to you guys for help.

Every single night is a struggle. He either fights, screams, doesn't't listen and refuses to get into bed which can take hours or we get into bed and he won't stay in the bed he's up and down for hours we have realized the later he stays up the worse he is so we've tried pulling bedtime back to 7 30 ish in every evening we try to be consistent with the routine read the stories have the downtime be chilled full bellies etc but nothing helps jesus tina good luck with this sounds like they're doing everything he's not a child who stays in bed in the mornings he's up and adam between six and seven every morning a lot of the

nights he wakes in the night also Also, he has a nightlight and we can play calming meditation music or sleep stories to help him. This is basically someone dreaming up the most unanswerable question ever, right? But 95% of the time, they make no difference. Any ideas, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. We are parents on the edge just would love to sit down for an hour a day before it's time for bed and the madness starts

again thanks in advance anonymous all she wants is an hour a day i know now that is not the best ad for having kids is it it? She's basically going, it just wouldn't be too much to ask to like just have 60 minutes to myself. Oh, the poor woman. In the day. Her kids are 14 years old. 14 to 4. God, I mean, look, she sounds incredible

because basically tried everything. Just things I wish she would have told us does he share a room or does he have his own space because if he has his own space he might just be lonely like there's something he's afraid of in that room and the thing they say when you have a child you're sure well no but i'm just saying okay i'm not how could i be sure i don't know the kid you said there's something he's afraid of well like he's not staying in the room and most things most things okay charlotte give me a break most things associated with sleep and the bedroom come from the child having some kind of worry or fear in that room and they always suggest i mean it's such a luxury suggestion really but it doesn't have to be fancy

that you freshen up that room you make it a bit more special for the kid make it a bit more their own space even if that's just taking stuff out or putting stuff in or new bedspread or just going on a journey with the kid where you and them are involved in the new bedroom the new space which is harder to do if he's sharing so if he's sharing a room though maybe that's not good for him either i would just wish i knew if he was sharing a room or not i can feel in your voice tina the stress of this podcast i do get stressed because charlie you know that when i was with the children it was so easy because i knew the kid i'd be like i'd observe the kid for a few days and i'd be like oh i know what's going on here yeah so doing it sight unseen is very hard so can i throw a few possibilities

at you here right but i also know this mom's not getting any sleep so i'm worried for her so any kid that is up and out of bed and is enjoying enjoying being out of their bed yeah more than being in it is getting something from that is in is definitely enjoying as you've always said, the attention. Of course. Yeah, we know that. They crave attention. What I would like to know is what happens when they get up.

Well, I think she said she keeps a cool head and brings them back to bed. Sure. But there's something that needs to change there. Yeah. In that you've said a few times on this show show you need to make getting out of bed more boring yeah of course staying in it you do be very careful about what kind of attention you're getting even eye contact don't give them that be nice and kind and gentle but do not talk and do not give them eye contact just guide them them back to bed, tuck them in, leave the room, silence.

As a fella who did all of this stuff, I have a rich, rich memory. I really do have a very vivid memory. And you did it for the attention, right? A hundred percent the crack. Yeah. The chats, the open, like I can remember being like, what's going on, Dad? You know, trying to like extend my day and a bit of time where it was just me and my dad. And that's one of the answers that you've given to other things on this show that I really love.

And that is that how much time when there's four kids in that house does this kid get alone with mom i know but that is very tough on these moms and dads because who has the time who has the time who has the time i know we have to carve it out but it's very hard but wouldn't we all know that the kid wants individual attention yeah and wouldn't that be a great motivator? You want to get out of bed all night and this be our time together? Or do you want to stay in bed, enjoy your night's sleep so that we can have our time together tomorrow? That's a nice idea. Because what I was going to say was I do think the family might need to have a chat about this. Because he's getting attention from somebody. gonna say was i do think the family might need to have a chat about this because

there he's getting attention from somebody so maybe it's not mom or dad maybe mom sounds like she is trying her best and doing it all right maybe the sisters and brothers get a real laugh out of this yeah maybe he's getting he's getting something from somewhere and i think it might be worthwhile if they have like a nice little family meeting about you know things that are expected at night time in the house and how it's affecting the other people in the house you know that's great and hopefully nothing no anger gets expressed at those meetings but that everyone gets a chance to share their voice let me throw another one in okay because not a great sleeper myself no and i do know that uh they're doing

everything right in terms of the cool down time the story time yes but i wonder how much energy yeah what i wonder how much energy he's exerting in his days i don't know if he's tired enough going to bed yeah get a treadmill well those little trampolines for your houses well i definitely that's not the issue with me for sure i'm running 80 kilometers a week this is not an issue but i wonder if you go underneath right so we've gone around we've gone into but if we go underneath i'm not saying that they're not feeding the kid right but i wonder is there something in the diet that's producing some excess energy is that possible now i'm throwing that out as an idea tina well like what is what is going what is the petrol going in the tank that's allowing the engine to run through the night?

How has he got this much energy? Well, I mean, it's not uncommon for a kid to behave this way. If they don't feel like they have to go to bed and sleep in their bed. I mean, let's face it. A lot of houses are struggling with kids who are not staying in their bed. And I mean, sometimes I'll have arranged to go out with other moms and they don't turn up because they could not get their kids to go to bed or they know that they have to leave because their kid they had to decide okay you can stay up and watch telly and i'll put you to bed when i come back right i mean there does

the lines have to be clear and that's why I think a family meeting where the whole house is involved and they all talk about bedtime. And maybe it's a fresh start with bedtime. This is a chance for the mom to, in a really positive, happy tone, be able to say, now that you're 14, this is going to be your new bedtime and you're going to have this time for you. your new bedtime and you're going to have this time for you and now that you're I don't know the ages of the other kids but when she gets to the seven-year-old to say now we understand that you know you struggle with bedtime a little bit but we have seen that you're growing a lot and that you're becoming more mature so we're going to trust you with this bedtime now but making sure the rules are clear that when you go to bed you stay in bed you have time to read your book but when the lights go out you stay in bed you get your rest not a bad idea either to educate the children on what sleep

does for our body how it helps our brain grow and our bodies grow and our bodies repair yeah frighten them into staying in the bed it's not so much frightening them but educating i'm not saying that i'm just saying that like actually making them know there's a consequence yeah physically physically and you need your sleep it'll help you learn at school and everything i would also get the teacher involved to be honest at this age because who's the kid gonna listen to your mom no i'm not working you need a teacher you need a grown-up that they're a little bit afraid of and actually respect i'm not saying your child doesn't respect you but kids tend to take everything mom say with a pinch of

salt which is so unfair when they're trying so hard so i would go to the teacher and explain to them what's happening at home and just ask them could you just do a little bit about sleep and how important it is to stay in beds and why we need to sleep and if all of that fails i would go to reward system a really big one okay something that they have to work towards for the week okay is that a chart that is a chart that's just a staying in bed chart what is the thing this kid wants more than anything in the world fuck it let's do it because you're going to get your sleep back and if all that fails there is still the option of getting a van and pulling them into it with the masks on and go go to sleep stay on your bed it's tough one though derek because i'm glad that

you sense my panic because like what did we listen to a mom who has tried everything i'm like look the last thing you said there, Tina, I always go back to my own childhood and thinking, God, they had so much leverage. We don't realize it as parents that there's things these kids want so bad. They want so bad. They would do anything for that. Also, he's getting to sleep over age and you can be

like sweetie i really want to invite one of your friends over to stay the night but like you don't know how to stay in your bedroom the only big guys yeah i mean it would be embarrassing your friends would be here and they'd be like what's wrong why won't he stay in his bed he's not a big guy not too far because i do it where I'm like, I'm keeping it. It is quoted in meanness, but it's still kind. But I'm like, guess you're not a big guy. I'm going to turn my back on you. Yeah, and then now he's not just staying in his bed. Now he's wetting the bed.

And, Jarlath, I love the show so much. and you guys are providing such an incredible public service i think you'll find that it's tina that's providing i don't know you seem to really listen and now i feel like you know more than i do shut up absolutely not i have a strange worry this this emailer says my daughter started year one this week since reception she's been having difficulty making friends at school oh this is a toughie because that is your biggest worry isn't it outside of will my child grow up to be a gobshite or has my child turned into a gobshite and there's no way back yeah actually the friend thing oh the friend thing is awful she plays with her one friend who is not

always so kind to her and that friend has another really mean friend who sometimes makes rude comments to my daughter and makes her feel left out this has been going on for a year now breaks my heart when i hear her how her day was and all she talks about is how mean her friends are to her despite her friendship she's always seems happy and she just carries on my question is how do you approach this situation should i speak to the teacher about it or the other parents i mean that's that's the real danger zone right there your advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much, Anonymous. Okay, can we just for one second remember

that we're talking about six-year-old girls here. Oh, it's six, right? Reception. There's six. Going into year one. Just moving my chair there. Yeah, I wasn't giving out to you. I'm just saying to this mom,

like, you're dealing with tiny children. So I'm a little bit worried about the way mommy might be believing every word that comes out of her mouth. Yeah, but also approaching these conversations with a kid. Like if my kid was telling me

other kids in the class were mean, I would try and redirect that language to, well, you know, we're all just trying to figure out who we are. And some people have bad days and some people have good days.

And if someone's being unkind to you, course they're but they are tiny children and i am i am used to working with this age group and i don't think they're consciously being awful to each other so you have to be careful how you are leading these chats with your child when they come home jerry's rubbing his face so much at the moment. But I'm straight away aware of how much of your own baggage you bring to a thing like this. And that needs to be said too. That I'm so aware of how mean kids can be from my own life. And from seeing them. And you've seen kids like this as well.

And little girls, unfortunately, can be horrific to each other from a very early age like we're talking to yeah but little girls more i'm sorry to generalize but i've seen it so much boys maybe later on but straight away little girls can be quite exclusionary to each other so that's what's in this mom's head she's like look i know what they can be like yes when it's happening in a black vacuum where you don't know and you're basing it on her saying my friends are mean. And you're a lioness when it comes to your child.

Like, you just want to protect them. But Tina, there's still a chance that they are being mean. Oh, there is. But she has to be careful with how much she's encouraging her daughter to feel that. Yeah, and to vent it. Yeah, you have to equip her

with being better able to manage these girls now look she says should i go to a teacher absolutely you should go to a teacher that's what the teacher's there for there's at this age they're supposed to be helping your child make these friendships that's part of their job so god get in there and monitoring yeah ask there's so much i felt at times where it's like well are you keeping an eye on this yeah here is the thing you're worried about friendships with your kids get into that classroom sit that teacher down and ask them anything you want because it is their job to know and if they don't know they're not doing their job and you're allowed to say that if my kid is in a class with

a teacher who doesn't know my child i'm going to get cross with them who my child's friends are or how they are in friendships what are they observing darren knows like i'm obviously a teacher myself and i am when it comes to it with my kid a lioness i have to watch it all the time but i definitely had an experience of a teacher not knowing my kid at all. And me being like, I'll show you. Like, you got to be careful with these teachers because most of them are great. But like in any job, there's a few people coasting. So, of course, go into that school. Absolutely raise your concerns.

Get them to do their job. Now, what can you do? You got to do play dates. You got to invite different people over to your house or to the park. You have to help your child socialize. You got to do something because if you're worried about her having one friend, she's only six. Her window for friendship is not cemented right now. Put out the feelers.

Get playdates going. Get park going. put out the feelers get playdates going get park going also a really good way to observe your child with these children is actually do that say hey why don't all of year one go to the park this friday be great after school and then just watch watch it all you'll see it you know you know another thing that uh definitely helped in our situation was an activity that was a tiny bit outside of the community that was the normal circle location wise geographically just sending your kid to a thing or a club where they mix with kids who are extra from an extra peripheral area where it's like those are my irish dancing friends yes can build such confidence because it's like oh school isn't the be all and end all anymore

yeah but this question does frighten me a little bit because we're dealing with a very small child like this mom is talking like her child is a teenager like she's still only making friends and at this age friendship groups change week to week like there's no firm friendships when they're six they're forever changing their mind or falling out and then forgetting they fell out and playing again or playing as a whole class you really have to be careful what you're encouraging them to talk about and you really have to get out there and do playdates. If you can't host people in your house, meet them at the park, you know,

go to Morrison's if you're in England after school. The dinners are free. You can have a coffee with the other mom. You need to try and do situations where you're seeing the moms at this age. I think it's great advice. I think it really is but also i think give yourself a little break you know because you're obviously going to

worry yeah i feel like this mom might have had trauma like definitely take it seriously because your little girl is telling you things that are hurting her but you've got to be careful how you're directing it well we also know that and i'm not saying this mom is this but that we are inclined to believe every single word we are because you know my child will light me yeah but they are in just as the same way as when somebody comes into a shop with a gun. Everyone is an unreliable witness. Yeah, exactly. Everyone is an unreliable. 90% of people will only look at the gun. They will not be able to tell you who was holding it because they'll just be transfixed by the gun. Yeah.

Their version of advance is completely coloured by what they've lived through up to that point. It's just biased. Yeah, I think teachers are the only parents, like male or female parents, who don't believe everything their child ever tells them because they're so aware of how children operate at school. Like, I'm not saying this kid isn't being honest. No, I'm not saying that kid isn't being honest but i know that you when mikey was small i used to like jared take that with a pinch of salt we don't really

know we know that he's getting a big reaction and now he's adding to the story but you know we don't know this even happened so you got to be very careful whereas i was like i'm going down there i'm setting that school on fire and there's there's something beautiful in that yeah look i think this is a really hopeful one because you there's so much you can do definitely go to the teacher set up some play dates you can take way more control of this situation she is only six it is early days i can't get in there now i cannot wait to hear how this works out because i know this one is really gonna work out yeah i hope so um honey you are ruining our kid at gmail.com is the way to get in touch maybe you had an issue and it worked itself out we want to hear those solutions too maybe you've heard something on

the show that you're like that's very similar to mine and this is how we fixed that i love those let us know honey you're running your kid gmail.com we're at the moment with the uran stand-up show i'm not gonna burn the ears off you with this but this is our life this is what we're doing teen obviously organizes 90 of the tour and it's just been mad to travel around ireland and all these old places and across to England for shows in places where... It's incredible fun. It's incredible. But it does bring back so many memories.

I was in Nace the other weekend at the Moat Theatre. Shout out to everybody who came out to that. Two more shows there in February if people want to come along. There's a few tickets left. But we passed by what used to we actually went into it used to be super which was the fanciest supermarket of the day absolutely now the fanciest in stores i've ever been in my life what is going on here it's spotless it looks like uh you, Whole Foods or whatever you want to talk like.

I just couldn't. It's fancier than a vodka. I felt like I wasn't dressed up enough. Dunce. What is going on in this dunce? But I remembered it so vividly because the Super Queen used to pump the bread smell into the. They didn't vent it out of the building. They pumped it through the building.

bread smell into the i didn't vent it out of the building they pumped it through the building i mean that french bread smell brought me right back to the fresh that was next door to the super queen and while my mother was doing the shopping and getting the hair done that's where i was to go and i remember getting the head bed off me a few times in there i remember having sand thrown down my shirt because as we know the wealthy kids are always the best behaved kids are you kidding and these kids no these were say that these were little bollocks oh you're saying oh okay you're saying the wealthy kids were the worst i thought you were talking about yourself no no i was not a wealthy kid i was a moan yeah Yeah. But relatively speaking, I was fine. But these kids were super posh Nace kids.

Nace had such notions of itself. Did it have a hospital? I was saying this. It had a hospital. Like, if you fell in Newbridge, like, they'd round you. They'd get up. People in Nace go to the hospital if they fall over. They'd surround them.

These kids battered the hell out of me and it made me really worry about those i remember leaving going what i remember pointing to my mother at the kid that had done it like this i vivid my childhood memories i remember seeing his face across the room he was kind of smiling at me as i left because he knew he'd done me oh my god and i worried about the kid and I know that this parent that's emailed in about this next kid is worried too because I worry about the kid who gets sent to one of those play centers on his own what do you mean on my own what was I gonna do bring a chaperone a bodyguard people went with their siblings or friends no when I'm out how did your sister get out of

that she's only two years older than you she wasn't with me yeah was it you went on your own yeah so what what do you mean sad that is sad crash it's not a crash it was a play center what's your point you're supposed to go my sister was even with us she was off doing something else yeah but i just I just find that really sad. But you do send in one kid into a play zone, right? No, you don't. That's terrible. I do. I've been doing this with Mikey.

No, you haven't. I've been doing this with Mikey since he was like 12. No, you haven't. Would you do it? I wouldn't. No, but like we said, I mean, this is a different era. Kids aren't being pulled into vans. I mean, I went with my sister and my lovely friend, Antobin, a lot.

But like. And your job was to pull them off other kids that they were beating up i mean we get money for our food oh my god but like the the kid that is violent the kid that is punching and scratching and doing stuff like it's so common like it's so common that there are there is is a thing that a parent can't get on top of and that's what this next email is about this person is worried and they're like i i'm new here to this podcast and i'm seeking your advice or solutions please my two-year-old is a very small kid he's constantly hitting and scratching other children at daycare and when she comes home she continues this behavior towards us and her 12 her her sister who's only 12 weeks old okay now when we go food shopping she hits and pushes other customers i mean you have to laugh you know that i would just adore that you would tina tina would be like this is my new favorite yeah but at the

same time well why these are random strangers i know but why would this is my new favorite. Yeah. But at the same time, these are random strangers. I know, but why would it be my new favorite? Because what does that kid need more than anything else? Help. It just needs some confidence, someone believing in them, you know? At two years old, though, this is like, when I read this, I was like, yeah, I can see why you've emailed in, because you want to get to the bottom of this quick.

What they say they do is, we would usually sit her down, remind her that's not okay to do. She agrees. You're right. And then goes back to hitting, knowing that she's doing, knowing what she's doing is wrong. So we then use the timeout. Now, that's tough because, you know, you've always said this, that if a kid can't support themselves on this timeout chair, they can't be there. I'm not judging this, Mom, because she's got a tiny baby.

She's at the end of her tether as well. She'll have the tantrum there on the chair, and we wait until she settles down. That doesn't work because we give in so quickly. settles down and that doesn't work because we give in so quickly with all the above our girl has just grown to this behavior and we need any suggestions you can uh in this battle i mean this is this is tough well i think i think if she she's obviously very tired and sleep deprived this month because if she took like second, the big thing is she has a 12 week old baby and a two year old. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And now her two year old is expected not to be a baby anymore.

You're so on it. No, but it's just something we see all the time. Right. The two year old is still a baby. She's still a tiny baby. And wants to be a baby and wants the attention. But now there's another baby that she's had to share and she's having lots of feelings she does not understand.

She can't even identify them. And she's frustrated. And how is she dealing with this frustration? She's hitting out. She's doing the things she knows that will definitely get her attention. And also, it's helping her deal with whatever frustration she's feeling. She's like, you know, it's like a rugby with whatever frustration she's feeling she's like you know it's like a rugby player going out into a rugby team you know he's like me when i smash

plates in the kitchen now she's a little she's a little bit out of control because obviously she's not a fairy to hurt strangers which is unusual but she's hurting this little kid is hurting and it's nothing that the mom and dad have done wrong. It's just perhaps they didn't prepare her enough for the new arrival of the baby. Perhaps she doesn't feel involved enough in the new arrival. Obviously, if she's hitting, they're having to keep this baby away from her. So there needs to be more language of we trust you with the baby. We're happy with you. Look at you.

You're great. We can see you're growing. You're such a great big sister there's a confidence lacking in this kid there's an anger there she's getting bigger stronger she's about to become out of control behavior if they don't get on top of this and getting on top of this is not punishing her in fact she needs more hugs she just needs loads of compliments she need they need to remember she's still a baby she was a baby 12 weeks ago she was the only one getting picked up oh my god when you say it like that 12 weeks ago she was the only baby in the house she was getting picked

up that's a tremendous change for anyone it's a huge change and she's just can't articulate it she can't tell you. She has no way. So definitely start talking about feelings and empathize with her anger. God. Say things like, I can see you're angry. You're feeling angry right now. Tell me what is making you angry. And when she says it, don't tell her she's wrong.

Just sympathize with whatever she says, because all she needs is to feel heard right now you know you have so much empathy in your heart because i'd imagine that it's taking everything in these parents not to be like just stop it of course because there's a tiny baby now they have to keep safe and she's hitting and doing this to everyone but like that's just not what she needs right now you're a pro though like you're like and you're giving this advice and like the advice that you've given over the last what we've done we're at about 45 minutes now it gets all rooted in this calm center yeah and it has to be said tina gets frustrated with our son too oh yeah yeah but how do you advise parents in the wider bigger picture here to control their emotions when their kid is pushing them to their limit well the first thing

i'll say is it's impossible to stay calm all of the time even with this two-year-old with this mom tries this approach of loving and everything there's going to be a moment where she has to go no stop that's not okay you know there is she is going to react at points and that's human i'm not telling you to be perfect no one can there's going to be moments where your child catches you off guard and you don't have time to remind yourself don't react to that that's okay what's bad what's good is if you're even trying to remember okay i'm not going to give that any attention i'm just gonna leave him in that with that and see where that goes it's really hard i think it gets harder the older they are

because they completely go for the sucker punch oh and they know the buttons yeah they go for the and they and also when they start to put blame on you for their stuff that's very triggering but like this it is but this mom i mean the poor thing she's got two babies in that house and one of them is just very frustrated at the moment but the reassurance is you're going to get through this. That like it might feel like it's not going to stop. Yeah. But what you're saying is like this can be fixed really quickly. And you know what, Jordan?

Hand on heart. I way prefer the child who's acting out than the child who's just bottling. That is look, your child in whatever this behaviour is much healthier. They're still comfortable expressing expressing themselves. It's not easy to be around, but it's way more healthy than the kid who's just quietly hurting. And it's like darkness coming into them. Say nothing like an old Irish man.

No, it's awful. You see it all the time. I let it consume me inside. Anytime I'm in the classroom and I'm working with my teaching assistants or other teachers, I always say to them, look, that kid, I'm not worried about that kid. Let's keep an eye on the kid. They're telling us their truth. He's not making any noise.

Yeah. We don't want any invisible children in this room. I'm not worried about that kid let's keep an eye on the kids they're telling us their truth not making any noise yeah we don't want any invisible children in this room we have so much more to talk about over on patreon.com forward slash

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