Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Season 2 Ep 1 Dad Is "No Fun", Is My Kid Wetting On Purpose & The Clinger!

Episode Date: September 4, 2023

What do you do if your kid won't let you leave their sight? What do you do if your kid is returning to wetting themselves after being successfully potty training years ago? What do you do if your kid isn't a fan of your partner and only wants to hang out with you? The good news is "Honey! You're Ruining Our Kid" the zero judgement parenting podcast is back. Tina bring here 20 years of experience in child behaviour and early years education to help parents from all over the world. They email the show anonymously and comedian Jarlath Regan reads them out! Strategies and solutions for every possible situation you find yourself in, proved for free by the best woman in the business. Come for the info and stay for the laughs. Raising kids is hard. We shouldn't have to do it alone and shouldn't have a bit of fun in the process. Email us today - [e-mail] - Tina replies to every single email personally.Buymie.ie are our proud partner on this show. Sign up for the Buymie app in the App store today and get Dunnes Stores groceries delivered to your house or your friends' houses in as little as an hour. It makes the perfect time saver and pick me up for someone you might know who could do with a bit of help. Who wouldn't like a bag of treats dropped on their door step.See Jarlath’s standup live and in person in 2023/24 www.jigser.com/gigs 

Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid with Jarleth and Tina, a Go Loud Parenting Podcast, proudly sponsored by Buy Me, the only way to get done stores delivered to your door in as little as an hour. Shop the full range of grocery products handpicked by your Buy Me personal shopper. T's and C's apply. Welcome back to Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid, the parenting podcast from the Irish Man of Braw podcast network with me, Jarda Thregan, and my wife, Tina. Hello there. Season two.

Season two, episode one. I can't believe it. It does feel like the summer just went by in the blink of an eye. I don't know how you're feeling out there, but if this is your first Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid episode, let me explain how this works. I came to parenting, like all of you, with no experience whatsoever, not a clue what I was doing.

The person that guided me through it all was my wife, who is the parenting expert, the person who's worked in child behaviour for more than 20 years. Yeah. On all levels, seen every type of behaviour possible. Here's how our podcast works. You simply submit your questions to her and each and every one. She'll have seen it or something similar. Absolutely. Absolutely. And it's all about about parents not feeling alone, getting back to the mall with a strategy

and just helping people, really. The Zero Judgment Parenting Podcast is what we always set out to be. So a lot of the time you do find yourself going, who do I talk to about this? Even now that our boy is all grown up 12 years old heading off to secondary school uh this week we won't make this episode all about that journey but it is hard to picture that when you're in the trenches with the teeny weeny kids isn't it yeah i could never see him in a secondary

school uniform going uh yeah mom i, I'm out of here. Yeah, well, it's been a weird week because for me, I'm trying to remember everything I would tell someone else in my situation. Let him be independent, encourage the independence, encourage him wanting to do these things on his own. Whereas I actually really want, I feel really needy because I'm like, love me, love me back, you know. And I feel like it's a really tricky time to be a mom because you're still hero worship guy. Whereas everything I do is annoying. So I am trying. It's very similar to how I feel as a husband.

It's been a weird week because he thinks he's like got it all figured out now. Whereas I'm going having to say really annoying things to him like, please don't forget your coat or your wallet. Don't lose your Revolut card. And they have to bring phones to school. Why? I don't know. It's so stressful.

This isn't just 12. I know there's people listening to this with smaller kids, much smaller kids, where those kids like you when you were very small tina's i understand it from your parents yeah one to the independence way way way way earlier than 12 yeah and actually encouraging that is the thing to do yeah and ignoring and this is what tina's taught me every step of the way with this is it is so hard to ignore the bad behavior in verbal commerce. It's so hard not to react. And just to praise quickly the good stuff.

Look, I've been practicing this nearly more than half my life now in my classroom with kids. With your own child, it is so taxing on you because it's so hard because you're so close to your heart and you're worried about who are they becoming as a human and it's so hard because you're so close to your heart and you're worried about who are they becoming as a human and it's just so stressful. It's all the more annoying

because it's like this can't, if it's in the classroom, I'm sure you're like, well, that's this kid. I mean, they'll go home and the parents will say, but when it's your child, it's like, is this,

is this what my child has become? Now, just to put the summer thing to bed because i know that there's a range of feelings the reason why we put out the episode on the monday directly after drop off there will always be a honey you're ruining our kid episode there for you is because a lot of the times that's the first opportunity you've had to breathe out yeah the kids are gone now have your coffee have your cake sit down listen to honey you're ruining our kid and recognize that you're not by yourself i definitely did that breath out when he went back to school yeah as much as

like i love having my boy around and all the rest and i know i'm not the only parent thinking this that like there's a certain guilt with the level of oh feeling when they're gone back to school look we had a great summer but like parents everywhere you just find yourself feeling completely run down by the end of it because you've been trying to keep your kids entertained and happy and are they are they doing enough are we getting enough out of our days and then they go back to school and you're like holy crap i need a holiday but there's no time because you are back to work yeah and it is a guilty feeling because you're so grateful to have the time where you can actually focus on your work again because you have put so many things on shelves to prioritize your kids during the summer it's

really hard and you sign them up to summer camps but still it's not enough and you can't have them you don't want them to feel pushed out of the house either you want to do stuff as a family and have this precious time the expectation i wrote about this in my sunday business post article there's a little plug-in for myself i have an article in the sunday business post and occasionally i write about you know kids and that and the start of the summer I wrote about this kind of expectation of the Glastonbury Kids Festival that they want through the summer. And this isn't specific to my kid, but I just sense this from an awful lot of parents that it's like one camp produces another camp and then this and then that. And just that rising expectation towards the end of august you're just a bit like you know what yeah let's go back to the 80s and you go outside entertain yourself for five minutes just out there in the wild yeah i mean one of the battles that an awful lot of parents will be facing into now is reeling back in that screen time. Oh, yeah.

Going, OK, you were feral through the summer. You were your face was attached to that iPad. And now it's got to be homework time. There's a dopamine, a dopamine addiction that you're trying to curtail make them go cold turkey extremely hard to pull them back to earth i honestly don't know how kids are doing it because i was writing some pieces this summer and i could not pull myself away from my phone i was like holy shit i'm massively addicted to my phone because while i was writing i'd be like where just check my phone and i thought how do kids study because if i had had this option when

i was studying and doing my homework not a hope oh my god not a hope i would get distracted by um you know just looking out the window at the world how would i react to this dopamine dispensary machine that i have honestly in my hand or under my bed it put the frighteners of me so the thing that's been in the news this week has been this idea that you need to draw up the out of hours boundaries times and you tina have been saying this for ages and i hope that this can be the first tip of season two I totally loved this when I heard about it that I need an out of office sign off on the bottom of my emails which is between the hours of five and nine in the morning you might not get an immediate response and what it does is it allows you to go, well, I have explained

that this is how it's going to be with me. And it lets you be with your kids. Well, do you know what it is about our listeners and people who got in touch? Because we got like hundreds of emails in over the summer, like loads and loads and loads. And not stressful at all, by the way.

No. Well, I love, I do love getting these emails. I just always worry that I'm giving the right advice back. But it was so funny because when I would reply, people would be like, Well, I love, I do love getting these emails. I just always worry that I'm giving the right advice back. But it was so funny because when I would reply, people would be like, Tina, you're on your holidays. You don't need to reply right now.

And I'd be like, oh, that's so cool. But I felt bad because, you know, what I'm receiving is we need help. And then they were like, that's so cool that you're back so soon. But like, seriously, you're on your holidays. And I thought, that's good. It's changing this whole expectation of the instant reply to emails. The listeners were helping you changing your relationship with guilt. And that is going to come up across today's episode. We've got some amazing questions in that Tina has handpicked from that massive sack yeah of post and virtual

mail that we've gotten keep it coming in honey you're ruining our kid at gmail.com certainly a big help to us this summer was our sponsor buyme.ie we had friends who were you know coping with teeny weeny kids who got sick during the summer. They themselves got sick. Yeah. And you had the chance, Tina, thanks to buyme.ie, groceries delivered to your door in under an hour in some cases. I feel weird when I talk about buyme as our sponsor because I just love them so much. You know when people have a sponsor and they're like having to talk about it.

I'm like, no, buyme is amazing. Because you were gifting it. Yeah, I was gifting it and I've done that a few times over the summer where you can't like one of my bestest friends

stuck in her house two babies couldn't get a shop they're all really sick and I was like I can just send her groceries within the hour by me

her mind is blown like she can't believe it she's like over the moon with such a thoughtful gift but like it's an incredible service that's the thing and when they turn up they're really nice and they're friendly and did you throw in

a few embarrassing things like lube oh i should have done next time and some uh some kind of pants for wetting yourself as a grown-up oh my god i'm gonna do that if you're using buyme.ie you know that we have an offer code it's in the uh info please send us the most embarrassing things that you're including in the shop for somebody else that you're giving because it can just be a little basket i am so i didn't think of that idea basket of shopping the stuff that, even if it's like the luxury items that they never really allow themselves, throw them all into a basket. And with the cost of groceries today, it's actually a really generous gift. Charlie knows my head was melted when we moved back to Ireland because I was so used to be able to just do a normal online shop and get it within the hour.

And now, like even yesterday when I tried to do a shop at the big grocery i was like oh it's not arriving to today because full disclosure we live so far away we're in the middle of nowhere the buy me hasn't quite reached us yet but they're on the way they're changing so that's why i'm gifting people groceries because every time i use it to just check yeah so if you're talking about this too much no not at all but if you look if you're abroad and you listen to this and you know that your friend back home in ireland is having a tough time with the kids what better gift than a basket of shopping from buy me so you don't need to be at home to have an account no buy me app and off you go you ping it in and send us a little uh picture of the most embarrassing thing that you've

put in that basket and we'll send you a prize of some sort we'll figure out what that is later but let's get to question number one hey jarentina my particular area of concern is when i leave my four-year-old at a nursery or for a date night whatever it is he's likely to act up and cling to us and get himself upset my concern is he starts school in September and recognizes the one teacher to 30 kids won't be able to handle him with everything they have going on. And I want him to have a positive experience and not be held back by this. He's been in the same nursery since he was one and a half years old, five days a week, and usually tears or clinging to us and getting him to get in the car and go is always a battle. Oh goodness. He got good for a while in March to April this year but

he's gone back to this again. We thought it would improve because he went from having one best friend to having several best friends. He still has the friends. So what has changed apart from maybe starting a preschool for part of the week? In January, he started at another preschool for two days a week to get him into the school we wanted. But also, so he knew people going to the same school as him. He's a very conscientious parent, right? Yeah, a really lovely parent. to the same school as him.

This very conscientious parent. Yeah, a really lovely parenting. And we sometimes have to leave through a side door literally escaping out the window. And all we can hear are the cries down the corridor which I would imagine are very upsetting.

Oh yeah. Tina knows better than anyone I could not handle when my son cried. And I've seen this a million times. You know, I've seen the poor parents having to leave knowing their kid is distraught. Yeah. He never wants to go into the

room. He's usually calm and happy in a few minutes, but other children go in nicely and say goodbye and enjoy themselves. I can imagine the envy of those kids must be huge. I've also had him doing various sports like tennis. All the other parents can go enjoy a coffee, but I have to go in and hold his hand. Tonight, my wife and I cancelled the grandparents from babysitting for an hour because when I told him we were going out for an hour and back to do bedtime, got upset.

Said he didn't want us to go couldn't have the strain of that last time my sister did this for us he nearly clambered out the window this is now locked oh my god i know this is serious like i love these emails the honesty in these emails totally anonymous i just feel so privileged. Like, they trust us so much. Yeah. So if you're sitting there now going, I can send you an email, follow this man's lead.

Yeah. He says, we're desperate to hear what your advice might be because we need help over the next two months in preparation for starting school and to allow us some date nights. Yeah. Thanks in advance anonymous i know and i this guy got in touch and i got back to him this was during the summer during the summer and i got back to him straight away to the point where his wife emailed five minutes later to be like you're meant to be on your holidays oh yeah please don't feel like you have to reply to us but i really did feel like i needed to because these parents are are you know they're not getting their child is controlling them a bit

too much because they love their kids so much and they you know and i felt like i needed to just get it over to them that what's missing here by accident is clarity for your kid the rules aren't clear and children are way happier and feel much safer if they know clearly what the boundaries are and that when mom and dad say they're doing something that that is what's going to happen i got you so just to jump in so you're saying that what brought this about is the times that they've gone back and said, well, maybe we'll cancel the babysitter for now. Oh, absolutely. But even it's just the parents who go into the classroom. Don't go in. The reason those other kids are going in so easy is because their mom never ever held in her hands yeah now look i'm a teacher for a long time and i told alongside one of the best teachers ever and just this morning her little person started montessori and the child was taken from the door and brought into the classroom and the door was shut and she

got in touch with me she gonna kill me i'm not gonna name her yeah and she was like i wasn't ready to say goodbye to her and i had to say to her but lucy oh i had to say let's call her goosey milk i had to say to her that's too obvious let's call her uh boozy kill the lot collide she's gonna kill me i had to say to her, but you know, you know they did exactly the right thing. You know they did. Because as a parent, the minute you go in,

the minute you go in there, you give your child time to think about, my mom doesn't think it's safe. My mom's checking this place out. Oh, wow. Why is my mom in here? Yeah, she's concerned too.

Why does she not trust me to go in? She's as worried about this as me. Hang on a second. My mom looks, my mom in here yeah she's why does she not why does she not trust me to go in she's as worried about this as me hang on a second my mom looks my mom looks worried this does not seem safe all of a sudden she's worried i'm gonna start worrying too i don't want to be here anymore my god and and then it's over isn't it over and so that's what you think these parents and parents like this emailer because as i say these emails are so great because yeah you've this man's taking the time to send this yeah and he is speaking on behalf of thousands and thousands of our listeners in the same boat i have said this before but like

i know all this advice when my little guy started school i knew not to go into the classroom but i sat across from the school for two full weeks tina basically lived in the cafe staring stood at the window like a meerkat i did she couldn't see through the walls of the school but she tried it is traumatic and as parents we need so much but it always comes back to that thing of who is this for who is going into the classroom for yeah who is it for yeah that was bananas though i know that was bananas but it but i just moved to a new country yeah who is this for it's very hard this to me a few times that that is a question that when you're dealing with any kids i i think we all need at the front of our mind

yeah that are you going back for one more hug yeah for you oh and are you going back yeah for the kid because the kid is not being helped no by that extra hug i am telling you as a teacher when you see that parent come back for that hug you know game is over my day is going to be a lot longer you just know it and you of course you understand it as a mother because you're like you just want to let them know you love them so much it's going to be okay but actually it's much healthier for your child if you just get into the front door and say in you pop see you later and off you go And cry in the car. Have your moment. Don't let them see the worry all over your face.

But Tina, when you were in the Montessori classroom, it's not that long ago, but it was pre-Mikey. Yeah. Were you, and sometimes this can be a problem, I think the parents feel like, these teachers don't have kids, they don't know what I'm going through. Oh, absolutely.

Do you look back and feel like, God, I should have been a bit more understanding? I wish my I definitely was too tough on the parents. I'd be like, go. Do not even think about it. I never let one parent into my classroom. I was like, no, no, no, no. This is their space, not yours. Off you go now.

They're fine. They must have thought you were such a hard ass. Oh, yeah. But now as a mother and straight away, I'm like, okay, I needed to check in with those moms more. I needed to ring them. And I would ring them. If a child had me crying, I would always ring. But I needed to be like a little bit more fair play to you what you did.

Well done. Yeah. So let's get back to this emailer. Now, this dad is saying that date night is being fecked up and that's that's tough because and i do feel that on the part of the dads we get so many dads emails let's be honest a lot more because sometimes the the mom just doesn't have time to send an email like this yeah but also the dad is how do i put this more romantically switched on to the impact this is having on the romance of the relationship and i'm not judging dads for that no they're like they're concerned for but also he's right that

time together you need that time together even if you just spend that time together looking at pictures of your kid the whole time and talking about how amazing he is you need to be away from your kid a little bit to have spaces grown up when you say that you know i hate it when i would be pushing for you and me time and you'd be like we have to think about our child first and and you you as a dad feel like i'm not a bastard yeah i'm just trying to think about our relationship yeah okay and that matters too yeah it does matter but when they're very very small it is trickier no fuck them you devil but uh what do we say what do we what did you say so what i got what i got in touch and i just said to this dad i'm just going i'm actually holding

email in front of me now so I can remember exactly what I said. That I told him, look, it's really important that you're very honest with your child. Yeah. And that when you have plans, that you tell them what's happening so you keep them informed but not involved. Right. It's not okay for him to feel like he has a voice in your plans because they get drunk on power very quickly. You're in charge. They're not in charge.

And then I started saying that you need to start talking more about how mommy and daddy go and do things, but we always come back. You know, this idea of always come back and how as parents, we need to remember kids don't piece that together on their own. back and how as parents we need to remember kids don't piece that together on their own even like there's a lot of kids starting school this week and my number one piece of advice is when you are the night before or the morning of dropping that kid to school please make sure to tell them mommy is coming back at home time to get you because the amount of kids i've had in my classroom over the years who all of a sudden will go into a meltdown thinking, am I here forever? Is this where I live now? Am I sleeping here?

Am I sleeping here? Yeah, like honestly, because the parent is just not taught about the fact that the kid doesn't know. And you can't say things like two o'clock. They've no concept of time. And you definitely can't say things like, do you see any beds here? Is that something you would have said as a teacher?

No, just in my head. But that's so true, though, about come. Well, I'm always going to come back. Mommy always comes back. Mommy loves you and I always come back. And they're not putting an actual fixed time on it. They're like, look, I will see you. I'll be right.

I'll be back. And not just saying those things when you're actually going somewhere just peppering your day with well my mommy sometimes mommy goes out but mommy always comes back because then you'll start to hear your child say yeah my mom goes out but she always comes back yeah and it's just that makes them feel safe i recommended the book owl babies which i'm always recommending because i love it. Classic. Classic. Needs to be read every day if your child is struggling like this, because again, it's just another indirect method of going into their head. Mommy always comes back.

I'm so sorry that I'm talking strangely. I can hear it myself. I've just got a brace and it is hard. You sound great. Don't second guess yourself. It's really hard to talk. So did they get back with how this went

or will we talk about that in the bonus content over on Patreon well no I haven't heard back from these people yet so I'm hoping it's gone well but I did give them

loads more strategies I mean I think I overloaded them with strategies to be honest because I felt so bad for them it was all built around that central column of clarity

setting it clear yeah I always come back yeah and also i said you gotta get a visual schedule going in terms of school and i told them something i've told a lot of people over the summer to request a going back to school visual pack so that the kid gets to see what the classroom looks like what the toilet looks like what the playground looks like what their teacher looks like all these things are really important because they're worries they can but just put to bed because their main concern was how are we going to get this kid to go to school and then also i said if you can't get those images just go on the school website familiarize your kid with stuff

just inform them of everything get them you know knowing exactly what's happening so that they have less to worry about because they feel like i can talk to my mom and dad about anything. You know, they're happy to talk about what's going to happen next and what's happening at school. But yet they always come back. It's really, really, really important. It's so funny that you bring up clarity and how the center. I get nervous when you say things to me like it's so funny that you bring up clarity and how the centre... I get nervous when you say things to me like it's so funny. No, I mean that when you were saying this kid needs clarity and you've always said this and this comes up so much in season one that are they clear on how this works?

Yes. Tina's whole thing in season one about now and next this is happening now then this is happening as a center point for any way of moving through the world with the child to keeping them calm to avoiding these meltdowns yeah was here's this then there's going to be this and when you heard that as a kid you remember going well it's cool we're gonna have toasted cheese sandwich and then we're getting in the car yeah and it reduces any then there's going to be this. And when you heard that as a kid, you remember going, well, that's cool. We're going to have a toasted cheese sandwich and then we're getting in the car.

Yeah, and it reduces any feelings of anxiety because they know where they stand. Yeah. But, as a parent listening to this, you're going, oh, the horse is bolted.

It's gone. Like the chance for that is gone. I find it really reassuring when you say this, that like the horse has never bolted on clarity. Like you can restore clarity now when your kid's 12 like ours is. I fully believe the horse has never bolted on any behaviour. Any behaviour?

Any behaviour. There is nothing you can't get back on track. Pyromania. I've dealt with it. had a child i have that likes starting fires one of the first kids i ever taught was a pyromania he burnt down his house twice no he was only three oh my god turn the cameras off he was a twin too and i think the twin had something else he liked i think the twin was a kleptomaniac but like the mom was so busy i felt so sorry for i mean that stress that's real

how do you get the clarity back on that these are the things we do set fire to these are the things we don't our house for example really like you know i remember it was more about safety and keeping you know children love to think to hear adults saying it's my job to keep you safe this is how we keep you safe because safeness to them means happiness yeah how do i feel happy and calm well i know i'm safe i mean we take that word for granted but really all your children want to do is like they'll sleep better in their own beds and everything if they feel safe. So don't be afraid to use that word safe, safe, safe. But it's so funny you say it because, you know, we're as parents, we are parents, too.

We're working on all kinds of behaviors the whole time. I have to remind myself constantly if I'm and that's what it really comes down to. constantly if i'm and that's what it really comes down to if you as a grown-up are willing to follow the strategy that's how you break the behavior it's not on your kid because they're going to keep pushing yeah but you have to lead you have to be the one who goes remember what you need to do ignore the bad stuff come in big with the praise for the good stuff don't rise to them because the more once you start the strategy they're going to push back they're going to be like oh really yeah this is actually fun but if you stick with it four days later different house and this leads beautifully into our next area of discussion our next email and i guess it's the need for a united

front yes as that is essential because we both know there's a good cop and there's a softy softy cop and then the i think you're getting better all the time were you talking about us no just general okay okay i was talking about these emails that we've got in again really really honest yeah emails let's get straight to our second question hello Tina and Jarlith like all writers I must start off by saying how much I enjoy the podcast this is the hey Pat love the show part of the email I know you hate when I do that but Pat Kenny is known all around the world Tina people know that he loves reading out the bit of the email where they pay a compliment i have sent it to most of my friends the podcast that is legend

and have my husband listening too which as we all know is a bit of an achievement as well your advice is so helpful caring and practical that's the idea there we go many of our questions and concerns have been addressed already but there is one problem we are having that i haven't heard you address yet you may have addressed it but okay we haven't addressed this this is a great but i have seen this before both my children ages four and five have an extreme preference for me their mommy and don't really want to do anything with their father must be so tough on dad it has been like this since they were babies nothing we seem to try makes a difference we both work full-time and they have been in daycare and school since a young age and when

they are babies i worked part-time so i was with them more and we were of course all home during the pandemic both working full-time in i won't say where my husband's job is very demanding and he works long hours so i am with them quite a bit more despite also working full-time they act like having to spend any time with their dad is a punishment oh my god it's so awful this is a poor mommy too there's lots of stress and strain on mommy she's she getting time to herself yeah they complain oh no not dad oh my god yeah because she's from new york Complain. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Not that. Oh, my God. Yeah, because she's from New York. She's from New York.

I'm giving the deepest Brooklyn accents I can think of. God damn it. No. Not that. It's just so insulting to them. They complain. They tantrum. They cling to me like they're being taken from me forever.

It's awful for me, for them, for my husband, for their husbands. It has to be causing friction. He is a wonderful man and loves them so much. He does have a very stressful job, so he isn't home as much and is often still working when he's home and just worn out. He wants to spend time with them, but struggles when it's just not sunshine and roses which is often is because it's bedtime and notorious witching hour good way to put it his patience with all the carrying on when he tries to put them to bed or spend time with them

or even read them a story is very short and they can be very nasty to him. Tough. Okay, all jokes aside, that's rough. Okay. I always feel torn between trying to defend them and his hurt feelings. Too many nights end in one of us shouting at each other. Oh, this is awful.

One or two screaming children cling to my leg. So, oh, I see. This makes it sound like he must be awful with them, but he's really loving and kind to them. But they just want mommy all the time. All caps. Poor woman. I feel trapped by the clinginess and resentful that they won't let their dad who is very able and willing because she said that she's afraid that we're going to jump to the conclusion well he must be a ball but because

she's thinking this sounds so weird yeah yeah the first thing i did because obviously i got this over the summer was say this is not unusual i see this a lot a lot so for a moment just take a breath yeah as a listener you've got to think there's nothing wrong with that here this is no this is just she really was defending her husband and i was like i know i get it i've seen it so much you know she she stresses we otherwise have a very happy and loving family and i've tried the whole it's daddy's turn to put you to bed mommy and daddy have to take turns putting you to bed because we both love you very much. And they're not moved by this.

Like, I don't want to be this woman's friend. She sounds so cool. If I am home, there is no reason in their minds that I shouldn't be putting them to bed. If I am out, they have no problem with him putting them to bed. Okay. Yeah. This situation is so tough and is causing us a lot of stress stress please help anonymous mammy in nyc i know and you know in the same week it was so weird and i told each of these women this. I got three similar emails. Get the fuck out of town. You're just enjoying the interview.

I'm sending the whole email to New York. Shut the front door. And the advice I had to give these moms is advice I don't like giving them because I am super feminist woman, but I know what works in this situation because I've seen it a lot of times. This is an anti-feminist piece of advice.

I feel like it's a hard thing for a mom to have to do is what I'm about to say. OK, so bear with me, listeners, because I know it sounds batshit. People are going, what the hell is this advice? I know it sounds batshit. And I had to be like really careful because we were staying in the middle of nowhere. So I couldn't do a voicemail. I had to do an email. And I just wanted to get the tone right so that while these women were reading it they weren't going fuck that i'm not doing that there's no way what the hell are you

about to say so my advice to these ladies including this lovely mom was you have to start bigging up your husband to the kids. Best piece of advice ever. You have to start just randomly at different moments throughout the day going, isn't daddy great? I love when daddy's home.

Daddy's so much fun. Daddy's the best. Daddy is so cool. You know what? If daddy was here, it'd be more fun. I love it when daddy's home. Guess what?

This woman, two weeks ago it's changed her life she can't believe i'm about to cry because i feel so bad as a strong super feminist woman super i love that you call yourself a super feminist you've got superpowers i do but what how is this anti-feminist you Because the mom, these poor moms are carrying everything. They're doing everything. And the dads somewhere along the line did something wrong where they didn't gain their child's trust. And now the mom's having to go, isn't that great? I love that.

It's so good. But what I said to them is when this starts to work, daddy has to start saying similar things about you. Yeah. And then you get this happy unit again where the kids are safe with everything. Because what they're really looking for is, does Mommy approve of Dad? Really? This mom we have, who we adore and want to spend all our time with. Thinks he's cool.

Does she actually like this guy? Because he seems to be causing her a lot of stress. Yeah, I remember Jerry Seinfeld saying that his kids looked at him, sometimes they looked at him around the house like, is somebody helping you? Like he was in a store where he's not buying anything. But the hype, being the hype man for your partner, you're saying that if you are having difficulty getting your kids wanting to

hang with your partner male or female yes you have to be like you know who's brilliant yeah your mom yeah i wish mom was here it'd be so much more fun if mom was here oh i'm you're so lucky you get to hang out with dad i wish i could yeah that kind of nonsense yeah yes or being like isn't mom great like she just makes me feel so happy and safe so you've been doing this for me you know i did it for you you bollock and i had to start doing it back for her it is true i wasn't doing it enough she called me on it you were away and this is how i i discovered this to be honest because jarlett was away a lot when mikey was tiny and he was very clingy to me and like it was lovely because we've only ever got to have one child and i was but i realized that

hang on he's not like you'd had a few moments where like you're on your own with him and he'd just cry and you wouldn't know what to do and he'd be crying for me and and so i started doing this thing of daddy's the best daddy's so much fun and i mean i overdid it because even to this day he's like dad's the best in the world and i had to be like i had to sit jarlin down and be like you have to hype me back he is right as well that can be the other side of this is when they feel like figure out that is actually best yeah it was hard for me and i was very honest in these emails saying it's hard for me to tell you to do this but this will work and you won't need to do it forever no of course not of course not but it is a technique that works and i've passed it on to a lot of other women and husbands and there was one person who we're going to talk about later in patreon who hasn't quite been able to bring herself to do it yet

because the situation they found themselves in with the kids doing this has really impacted on their relationship. This is it. This is like you're asking moms to do something that they don't actually think. And they don't want to do. And they're like,

and you're right, they don't think. What if my husband isn't actually the best? No. He's an absolute moron. Yeah. He is ramping the kids up to the ceiling. But what you have to think about to get there is, I'm going to get some time back. Yeah.

I'm going to get to have some time by myself. And also, as you said in question one, what's best for the kids? Yeah. It's having both of us. Who are you doing it for? You're doing it for your kids. Yeah. It is hard.

I find it hard and I adore you. You're doing it for your kids. Yeah. It is hard. I find it hard and I adore you. One of my six-year-old twin boys has started wetting himself a bit during the day. Six years old. Right.

I know this person really well because this lady has been in touch with me a few times. She's been in touch with you before with other things. Okay. Right. He seems to leave it too late to go to the toilet until he is bursting. I'm bursting to go. And he ends up having an accident. This is a new thing that started in April when he attended an Easter camp in school. And it's now happening nearly every day. How frustrating when you think you're through all of this. It starts happening again. Great email. At first, I thought something might have happened that made him scared of the toilet or that someone

was teasing him. But it seems to be that he is just so engrossed in whatever activity he is doing that he misses the signal that he needs to wee. Have you any tips on how to deal with this? Have you seen this before? He is quite a proud kid. I'm just worried about what will happen if this continues for much longer or someone else in his class notices. Yeah. Yeah. We check in most evenings and don't make too big of a deal about it, but just ask him to remember to go as soon as his bladder tells him. And we have also talked about his bladder being a bit lazy in a funny way and how his bladder needs his help to go to the toilet. I catch him quite a bit at home holding himself and having to tell him to go to the toilet. Again, I would imagine that that's very common, right? Especially with boys. He and his twin Potty, his twin, Potty trained within three days at three years and four months old.

And he night trained pretty quickly too. He has only ever had one night accident before this. It was years since he had a daytime accident. He was on some medication for constipation, which stopped around that time this problem started. So I'm not sure if that has any impact. I'll take him to the GP to get that checked. But I wanted to check with you in case you have any tips to help. Thanks a million. Yeah. So with this mom, who's a really fabulous mom, she's always sending incredibly, incredible emails. And she just seems to care so much about her kids. We had had an issue where her son was holding onto his poos, which, as we know, happens all the time with boys. For whatever reason, it's a massive problem with boys and helping them to know it's OK to let go of their poo.

So I do think there is a link between the constipation, you know, and this happening. He might just now be afraid to let go of his wee in the same way he was afraid to let go of his poo. And it might have gotten just a bit stingy sometimes because he's holding his wee so long. So I do think a little trip to the doctor isn't a bad idea. But I also was like, he definitely knows he needs to wee. So how do we get him back on track doing his wee in the toilet because he's showing all the signs of someone who needs to what i've got it what i've got it and it brings us back to a question on a similar topic it has to be fun yeah sure target the target the sticker of course on the back you buy these

stickers on Amazon. I feel like I need to buy you one of these. You're so into it. Lads of all ages are into these. If you're having a problem with your men in your house not weeing directly into that loo, you stick this sticker with the Target on the back of the loo,

in the bowl. That does make it a bit more fun. It makes it more fun. They can even be heat sensitive. So the target, you can turn the whole target a different color. I mean, this dad's listening to this now going, I'm getting one of these. Yeah. I have no problem with it.

I haven't picked you up. You mention this all the time. But I do think that if we're trying to change the experience of him wanting to go to the shooting gallery yeah yeah he he will i don't think that's a bad idea i don't the doctor definitely needs to be consulted i think she just needs to because there's a past history there and i wouldn't i'd never discourage her from doing that do you think he's just lapsed into this habit around this well he's six and he's toilet trained since for a very long time so for me i'd be so frustrated i'd be like cop on i mean you know what i'm like as a mother i do i've seen the cop on this needs to stop you know well what to do cut it out i would not advise every

mom to do that but what i do think she could do here is first try and talk about why we we. I've given this advice to a few moms recently, a few dads recently, too. Buy a body book. Talk about the functionality of your body, what different organs are there for and what their jobs are. Children at this age love that. They love to know and be informed and see it. It actually it captures their mind in a

way that all of a sudden they're like, holy crap, inside of me, there's like machines doing all these jobs. Explain to them that the bladder gets full, but it has to be emptied. And that's why it travels out your penis into the toilet. But that's not where it stops what i found that is really works is getting the child to think about the journey of the wee afterwards the wee goes in the toilet but where is it going now if you have confined a book on this or some kind of youtube video that's great just make up a story the story can get funnier every time it can just become something that you guys talk about and laugh about and it takes the pressure off the whatever pressure and anxiety he has attached to the we will dissipate because now his concentration is on

well where am i going to send my we today where's my the journey of my we gonna go now if that doesn't work that's my fun approach my not so fun approach is get a timer out he's not going to remember to go to we by himself this is a six-year-old child. You can tell him very clearly, now I have no choice but to start setting a timer for you. Every 20 minutes, whether you need to go to the toilet or not, I'm going to bring you and you're going to have to try. Or you can just stop wetting your pants and using the toilet like you used to.

So it's either go with the fun approach first and then I feel like, I'm sorry, this has to stop. And how long would you keep doing the timer until it stopped i think because it's gonna be very boring yeah they're not gonna enjoy they're gonna be interrupted in what they're doing interrupted and they're gonna be like oh god it's just easier to go toilet also when he wets you don't change him he does he has to do that himself and only does he have to do the next thing i was thinking was like who's what's he get when he wets himself it's a twin so he's probably getting one-to-one attention one month so no eye contact i know what that always sounds horrible when i say

that but you can still speak to your child but just don't give them the eye contact feedback yeah and just be like okay this is a shame you know what to do take your clothes off put them in the washing machine get dressed by yourself your big boy wheeze go in the toilet that's all you have to say never give out to them never give out to them which is very matter of fact we'd be like okay you need to change go put those clothes in the wash get your fresh clothes on that kind of stuff is so boring that there'll be like oh this is a lot too waste of time i better just start doing my ways again you know uh we didn't mention this week well first of all i do want to say i love the way some of your answers are just straight quick that's that's that's gonna

work and that other ones are, there's a longer description. And if you email the show, you get that longer description in greater detail. And you get a voice note from Tina, of course. And there's a lot of back and forth with the parents because, you know, it's not a one answer thing.

All these kids are individual. And the toileting thing has been the trickiest one because they all have their individual needs and they need individual toileting plans. So I don't mind parents getting back to me. Everyone always feels bad, but I'm happy to hear from you guys. I'm going out on tour on September 8th with my new show, Your Man.

And it may or may not contain a piece of stand-up material about Tina viewing me as her second child. So you'll want to come and see that. It'll be Tina and myself out on the road most of the time doing this. Everywhere and anywhere you can think of. Jigsr.com is the place to find tickets.

A lot of this is sold out. The biggest show that we're doing is in the Olympia Theatre on January, what started out as just being january 20th is now january 19th and 21st and basically there's only the upper tier left so if you're planning on coming to see your man in the olympia in january you need to get moving because those tickets are nearly all gone and if you do come don't be shy about saying hello people come up to say hello and we love it yeah meeting you guys come on up and say hello you can come to the lock-in afterwards yeah exactly i have an amazing story to finish out

i don't know but given that you just lived through my birthday month that's right i have a birthday month okay in a story that sounds too coincidental to be true an ohio couple who share a birthday the parents do welcomed twins on their birthday oh no you'd hate that so everyone in the house has the same birthday oh my god that's so stressful they were my birthday present and I'm good with that said Irvine. I'm so stoked. I mean this is I can't imagine a worse situation where like

Tina's birthday is on New Year's Eve which I think we can all agree is the worst day for a birthday because

it's everyone's day. Of course. It's everyone's day. What are you doing with your New Year's Eve? You mean my birthday. It's also the end of the year so you always feel like you have to wait that whole year and then your birthday comes and then it's like oh well this year I never get to be the

age for that long. It's always like the next day oh I've got to be older this year. You know I never get to just enjoy that year a tiny bit as that age. But anyway I know you would hate that because Charlotte does celebrate a birthday month and when we joked about being exhausted from the summer because our kid was home.

It was really her birthday month that was exhausting. Her little face is all right. Look, I don't care. It's the truth. I'm very happy to have a birthday month. I recommend it to everybody. Maybe not to your kids. It's my birthday month.

You can't be mad at me. But that's basically how I roll through the month of August every single year. I thoroughly recommend it as a grown up. The only problem is, I think it took less than 24 hours for you to stop being nice to me after. Maybe let us in on your little plan for the day. Remember that one? Tina, thank you so much for this episode. Thanks to Go Loud

for all their help. BuyMe.ie are our proud sponsors and as we start at the start of the show, we need to hear what you're doing with your Buy Me account, who you're gifting it to and what weird shit you're managing to stick in as a curveball

into that grocery basket. It is a wonderful gift for somebody in your life who you know needs a little bit of help and could do with not having to go to the shops for their groceries. Get onto it. BuyMe.ie.

Tina, thank you so much. Oh, it's great to be back good to be back guys yeah great to be back and uh thanks for everyone who's been sending emails in all summer and thanks for keeping i mean what we took the whole summer break and our podcast still being up there number one number one crazy all summer so thank you we're so grateful thank you and see you next week i love hearing from everyone all over the world i'm just gonna keep going just fade this out. I'd like to thank the Academy.

And I love, can I just say though, people getting back to me to say the strategies have worked. That's incredible. That's pretty sweet. That's lovely. I really love hearing that because I worry a lot. Well, they've worked. We've never had one where they... No, we haven't.

But if it's not working, don't be afraid to get back because I get that all kids are different. I'm not getting to see your kid in the flesh. So I'm guessing. So just come back to me. I'm trying to give you ideas. But if I could see your kid, it's so easy. But I'm not seeing them.

So don't be afraid to get back to me. I won't be offended. I'll be fine. Thanks a lot. We'll see you next week, guys. Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid withlet and tina a go light parenting podcast proudly sponsored by buy me the only way to get done stores delivered to your door in as little as an hour don't forget use code honey tan for 10 euro off your first order t's and c's apply