Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Sensory Rooms at School: Help or Stigma?

Episode Date: April 21, 2026

We’re back (only a week late… which is basically early for us) after a whirlwind tour in Boston, New York and Philly, and we’ve come home wrecked but full of observations. Including one big one: way less screens around little kids over there, and kids just… playing. For hours. Like it’s the 80s again. Then we dive into three listener questions: sensory diets and how to make sure a school sensory room doesn’t become a “messing” room (and how to protect your kid’s privacy), a suddenly clingy 2-year-old who won’t go to sleep now there’s a new baby, and toddler tantrums—how to hold boundaries without overpowering, using safety language, real choices, and “now and next”.www.jigser.com/gigs for all Jarlath's up-coming tour dates and news!

Honey, you're ruining our kid, the parenting podcast. The Zero Judgment Parenting Podcast is back. We apologize right away for the, I guess, the kind of randomness of when this podcast appears. But we're only a week late. I mean, that's good for us. We've been all over the world in the meantime. The big shout out to everybody who came out to the tour in Boston, New York and Philly. it was unbelievable to do those cities

a quick succession. It was bananas, just back to back to back shows and then back here absolutely exhausted afterwards but full of observations of what we saw in terms of kids over there.

Yeah, well first of all there's so many kids everywhere there just seemed to be children everywhere we went. Was it spring break? I don't know what was going on. I think it was spring break but one of the weirdest things And most notable, like it stood out was the lack of screens, lack of iPads, lack of phones with little kids.

Particularly in Boston. Particularly in Boston, yeah. But like it was really exciting to see, but it was so normal that it seemed weird. It seemed like eerie because you're so used to seeing it here, like kids and prams on a screen. Like I hate seeing it, but I'm always trying to not judge it because I know people are just trying to survive. but we know it's really bad for your kid like so bad for them and like here we are

in restaurants people are bringing out the little toys the little books the highlight of Tina's trip was sitting on a train on the way from New York to Boston two little girls the seats are comprised of two seats by the window and then one on the other side

and we had bumped up to business class for that luxurious experience And I had done it in... But also we had no choice because we had backs. Yeah, and I had done it in such a wonderful way that I'd arranged for us not to have a window. A window. So just looking at a piece of metal. And one of the most scenic train journeys ever.

We couldn't see at the window. We were like standing up looking at a couple's windows. No air conditioning on this particular seat either. So really the one thing that I organised on the trip was the trains. It's so cool though. But it did let Tina observe the two little girls sitting in front of us. Oh my God. They were gorgeous.

next to her mom and the other left on the other side trying to convince the younger that this was actually a better seat. But the younger was so glick. Like she was so like street smart or something. Like I'd imagine their ages were three and maybe six. I would have said more like seven and ten. You're so wrong on that. Oh my gosh.

You're so wrong. Well, they're playing with dolls. They had the barbie set up. They had so many toys. There was no sign of a screen. No screens again. was they didn't even ask for it. Like Tina said, I don't judge anybody for putting their kid on a screen,

particularly on a journey like that. Yeah. There has to be a moment when you go, right, it's a bluey time. And to be fair, the mom was on her computer the whole time, but she was working. Yeah. But the spa set up that this kid had set up for Barbie and Ken, she didn't actually have Ken until she convinced the younger one to give Ken over.

The dynamics of the two then was hilarious because, like, there was a moment where the older sister realized that she could do something different with the Fold Outtray in her chair. And she was so excited to make this discovery. She kind of said it to her younger sister who answered back with, yeah, of course, I knew that already. It was so funny. I love them.

She was in her element. They played for three hours. And the imagination of these games and the little, you know, they drew picture books. It was just wonderful. But anyway, they were not the, what's the word exception? We were seeing this everywhere. Like we were not seeing kids being put on screens. Now, sometimes we were seeing kids who weren't being put on screens with the worst behavior we've ever seen.

I would have given a child a screen myself. Proper tantrums. But still, those parents didn't do that. And I was like, is this America being like it was when we're in the 80s, just being that little bit ahead of us in terms of what's coming next? They were into the yoga before anyone else. So they were running around. It was pretty positive to see. Yeah.

I loved overhearing conversations. The conversations you over here with kids and their parents in Ireland are very different to the ones you hear over there. Like the parent walking along with the two kids hand in hand going, I don't know what she meant or wanted by that. It was so funny because the two kids were like, yeah. But like they were barely one. Like she was kind of given out to one kid about the other kid. And I was like, you were like co-parenting or something. There's something unhealthy here.

like you're like you're i don't know but you made a brilliant observation about how boys are raised and how girls are raised that these girls are on their on their little scooters well it wasn't an observation it was an opinion i like because i'm not sure if it's if i can put that as an well let's hear what it is first the the observation was that we assume a lot of intelligence on the part of girls to figure shit out when we have little girls were like she'll figure it out yeah that's where you get these young independent little ladies who march into the room while their dad is doing an interview on BBC news. Yeah, because we saw these two girls on their scooters and like the mom wasn't worried about them at all. They figured out. And it was more

like I was trying to figure out a joke. Like I wasn't making like an educated. It's definitely going to be a joke at some point. Yeah, but I was, I was marveling at it. More like, now he will he will not know what to do there. So you have to hold his hand. I don't know why there were so many toddlers where we were, but like it was just seeing again and again little girls being allowed to be independent and little boys being like. Oh, he'll do, he'll, he'll put his coat on him or he'll put it on wrong. He's going to crease himself now. I have to hold his hand at all times.

It was so funny. But it would explain why you get an awful lot of young lads who are like, mom, make my sandwiches. Yeah, the little girls. She gets a lot of little girls going. I cook the dinner. Yeah. I know it's a mess. Jarlet has a niece who's like the most wonderful little girl.

Oh my God. She is on it. She is like, she is ready. She could completely go out to work right now and make her own. own living. I mean, I'm very careful about talking about anybody's kids specifically, but she is a superstar. Maybe send us in a couple of your stories with how much of a superstar rather than how much of a problem your child is. That might be make a change. We've got a superstar of the week kit. Definitely, Elflero is the superstar of the week in my eyes. Tina, what do we got on the

agenda in terms of questions? Well, we have sensory room issues at school. We have clingingness. We have clinginess and we have bedtime. Bedtime. I mean, does the bedtime thing ever go away? My sleep has been enhanced massively since coming back from America. Thanks to a couple of melatonin gummies. Why are they not selling these over this side of the Atlantic Ocean? They are unbelievable. These ones. A couple of jellies before you go to bed and I mean, according to my whoop, I am 85% recovered every single morning on six hours sleep. You heard that correctly. Six hours sleep, boom, 85% recovered.

Yeah, but it was hilarious because you're not allowed to have these tablets in Ireland. No. And when we were coming through Customs at the Dublin airport, it was so funny. Because the customs people call Charlotte over and he's like freaking out because his bag is full of melatonin, but they just wanted to say hello. I've never seen him panic. You totally panic. It was so many because they were just like

I do be watching the videos And he was like Oh my God I've got loads of Molotone in my bag Dear Tina Leaves Jarleth out fully understand Fully understand anytime anybody messages in And it's like listen I need an answer from Tina Jar get out of the way

My child has Let's just say some tricky behaviours I have been working with them for a very long time helping them throughout the day at being less demanding and less prone to going into a full-blown tantrum. Last week, his teacher suggested a sensory diet. And I guess having listened to the podcast, alarm bells went off because I connect that with my child being inverted commas special. I know that's some old language that I'm using there, but I'm really afraid of him being othered by the other children. I thought I'd email in straight away so that maybe you can assuage my...

my fears and perhaps the fears of other parents in a similar situation. Absolutely adore the podcast. Please help. Okay, well, thank you so much for trusting us with this, first of all. I totally, totally understand where this person is coming from because we're so lucky now that all these educational environments have sensory rooms. But we have to be so careful of how that time is being allotted and how it's being dealt out in the classroom and how, because children in the classroom, aware of everything. And that stuff should be private. Shouldn't be announced to the class that any kid is going to the sensory room. There should just be time when that kid gets taken away by the teacher or the teaching assistant and they go and do their exercises there without anyone knowing.

And that's the most important thing you need to go back to your teacher with to make sure that your kid's privacy is respected. Like just last week, we went to an amazing book festival. It was incredible. And I'm not shaming the school here. I won't mention the school's name. But I find myself in the staff room and I'm like loving it, being in the staff room and all. But they hadn't remembered to put all the individual education plans, either take them down or turn them around. So luckily, we got them first. And I guess it's just being a teacher and respecting every kid's privacy is really important because the first thing I did was turn them around. Because I was like, strangers are going to be in this room.

Nobody deserves to know anything about these kids. And it's the same for your child with a sensory room. There's nothing to be ashamed of. but still kids can be very uttering and if the centre of room is only being given to kids who are you know demonstrating like tricky behaviours in class a stigmatisation

is that the right word will grow no matter what so it's really important it's private but if you're lucky enough and the centre room is for everyone in the school which I believe should be then it's just somewhere that every kid looks for it to going. Yeah. And look, you're also bringing to it your own bias. Because we all remember that one kid who needed to be taken out for extra reading help. Yes. And, you know, I certainly never

bullied that kid, but definitely everyone knew, oh, that's him. Yeah, and that's awful. And I don't think that happens that much anymore. I think teachers buy, you know, they really try to make sure that There's a lot of respect for kids now and stuff. But when I wanted to say in this, right, there's a lot of confusion with these sensory diets, right? First of all, they're so important for every child. Every child will benefit from having a sensory diet, but some kids need them more than others. And you need to be careful that your school's actually doing it properly. Like if they're just using the sensory room for your kid to go and run around and have crazy time,

that's a waste of time. And what they're actually doing is your kids going to come back worse than they went. Yeah. You have to be so careful because there's calming exercises and then there's, you know, what's the word escalation exercises. So what I did was, right, I looked through this and just so I'd have the right words. And of course, every single child has an individual sensory profile. And that in turn helps the teacher and the person who's going to carry out. the sensory diet with them, understand what senses are we working with? Because, like, I know,

for me, my ears are something I find really tricky. I struggle with my auditory input. And that's why you don't like me doing these accents. I don't like any noises and stuff. Any time I try and do an English accent, it seems very much. It makes me so sad. I'm going to it. It irritates me on a level I can never explain to you. And I think that's what people, people don't understand is that it's the irritation that causes the kid to act out because they're like, oh, how do I make this stop? So there's seven parts to this, right? And every kid requires different alerting or calming exercises to be done within their sensory diet. So just mind that wire there. Sorry. So the first word, which I just can't get my mind to wrap around this morning. How would you say that?

pro pro pro pro preoception yeah pro preception I just couldn't do that right that's mainly that's probably the most important one for every single child and that is just about how the body's ability to sense its own position within the environment okay so that would be like if you've noticed your kid is doing a lot of shuffling or throwing himself against stuff that kid probably needs to go to the sensory room and do a lot of pulling and pushing exercises, do a lot of like squeezing, getting the big exercise ball and rolling it on top of him.

Like he needs to calm that energy down, brushing, all that kind of stuff. Then there is to vestib- Oh my God, what is wrong with me today? Vestibular. Vestibular. What is wrong with me? Can you edit that out?

It's like, I can't pronounce any of my words. And this is the inner ear. It controls balance, orientation and movement coordination. And that's when you see a lot of kids up on their tiptoes and things like that. So they need lots of grounding exercises, you know. And then you've got the tactile. We all know that. I myself, probably have a few of those where I cannot cope with the idea of feeling a label on a garment.

Garment makes me want to vomit. So I have a lot of understanding for these children. Charlotte knows there's so many. Is there overcoming that though? Could you have, like if that is the way you feel in your 40s, like could you have? Well,

I'm doing a little, excuse me, I'm doing so much better than when I was a chat. I don't mind being in my 40s, but I'm definitely, I think what you're always only ever going to be able to help these kids with is coping with it

and then finding ways for them to feel like this is not the worst thing that can happen to me today. I can cope with this. Then you've, got the auditory, my God, auditory. So obviously that is hearing, noises directly in the ear, the sensation of needing to, you know, cover their ears. You know, sometimes a classroom can be so overstimulating for those kids and there's zero understanding for that. So sometimes just some

time in the sensory room with some Enya on in the background, some bubbles, some of those nice rice toys shaking down. That can be really nice. And then the olfactory. smell and I have to say I don't think I have needs. Well you used to have but I definitely since starting my menopause I am struggling with a lot of these things right and I think that's why a lot of people my age end up getting a diagnosis because I think if I was to go and get a diagnosis I probably get one right now even though I know I don't have it I just know that I'm going through some stuff you used to be a smellacondriac yes and certain smells will I will be

physical, I will be repulse so I'll need to vomit jar that has seen this happen to me. Smellocondria, for those of you that aren't familiar with that term, is where a person

smells something and then immediately think that they're responsible to that smell. One of my biggest fears is someone saying to me, oh my God, you smell.

I would die. I would actually die. If we'd be in like extra vision, oh my God, I think somebody's done a shit. He's done a shit in here. I'm like,

somebody probably fart. But he is. It's also... Extrovision as such a tropeck. Smell castrophization. Oh, yeah. You go to the worst possible cause of this. Yeah.

It smells like there's a dead body back there. Oh, yeah. It smells like dead people is something I used to say a lot. But then I got COVID. Your breath smells like dead people. Oh, sorry. I'm sorry, honey. I have said that to you a few times.

I just had a cup of coffee. You haven't done anything in a world of. I'm joking. Welcome to my life. But when I got COVID a few years ago, I got COVID so bad. Oh my goodness. It was terrifying. But anyway, I lived to tell the tale. I don't remember that. I had a week. Jared and Mikey had a week away from me.

We had a great week. Yeah. Oh, my God. They watched. They had so much trouble. We thought of food the odd time. I don't know what. Oh my God. I actually had to start. You just reminded me. I had to get my neighbors to call in and say, you haven't said Tina. It's a separate podcast about how tough Tina's life is. But anyway, I was lucky.

I qualify for the antivirals. They saved my life. It's all good. Okay. But I lost my sense of smell. And so now it's really weird because I don't have that constant, oh my God, the world smells like shit all the time. But the odd time, I will get a smell of something and it'll ruin my week.

Yeah. I will not be able to get true. And I can't even reference it. What was that smell? You look, go, do it. No, no, no, no. Let me imagine. Yeah, so, the journalist's putting a bit a lot.

But what I am saying is that normally what happens is the teacher should send home a list of questions that deal with all these senses for the parents to fill out with their child. Then they bring back this questionnaire to the teacher. And she uses this to make a sensory diet of exercises that will help this child. Now, you can look this stuff up online. It's super easy because most children will benefit from doing these exercises. in their own home before they go to school. Yeah. The sensory rooms are great, but I'm not confident they're being used the way they should be.

I think there's a lot of messing going on in those rooms. What's the first thing you need this woman to go in and say to the teacher now that this message has been sent? Well, you definitely make sure this sensory diet is done properly. Make sure you get that questionnaire and that you go through it with your kid and you talk about all these things and your kid, it's actually really good for your kid to consciously think about the things because these things could be setting your kid off and they don't even. even know, you know, you're helping them figure out, oh, okay, that does upset me a lot and I can't control myself when that happens, or that does make me feel hyper and I can't feel like I can down.

And then once they have the keys to these exercises, you can do them at home. You can do them for yourself. Like, they benefit everyone. But also, the most thing, I guess, I guess I did go off in a tangent there. I'm so sorry, is to make sure that it's not public news at school. And if they're going to the sensory room, The sensor isn't a reward. It's not a positive reinforcement. It's part of their education and learning. It shouldn't be somewhere where they're like, oh, yeah, I get to scyve now.

It's supposed to be somewhere they do their exercises in a very calm way with a grown-up, not somewhere they get to go and dick about. And I think a lot of schools are using it as a space to let kids go into and dig about. And I might get a lot of shade for them. that, but I wish I was wrong. Yeah. So how do you stop them from doing that if you're, if you, they say, oh, it's just we're going to be taking them in and, you know, he'll just get to have some fun. Well, you got to tell them, well, then I'd rather do these exercises at home because we both

know they won't work in an environment like that. He needs to go in. He or she needs to go in there and do exactly what is on their sensory diet. A sensory diet is basically, you know, when your coach gives you a list of exercises. A load of drills for running. Yeah. Yeah. So, and sometimes that is just meditation. But that meditation will help that kid enormously for the rest of the day, but they're coping.

Why not get in touch with us? Honey, you're ruining our kid at gmail.com. If you have some input on this topic of sensory diets, how did you manage it when it was being run in your school? And do you agree with Tina? Are some of these rooms being used as escalation rooms rather than de-escalate? sensory. I do have to say, I am sorry, I get that the first few times you bring the kid there, you actually have to make it that they want to come back. Familiarize them with them, make it fun. But just be careful of that. You know, I do get the first few times you'll have to be like,

this is the space they actually want to come to. But it is important that they get out of it what it's designed for. It's not designed for them to go in and just throw themselves against the wall. Maybe a sensory gym is a better name for the sensory room, because you go in and you do your exercises and you leave. Just a little tall. I thought there. Throw that in. My two-year-old son normally goes to bed relatively easily at 7pm and sleeps through to about 6am. Over the last three days, it has gotten harder and harder to put him to sleep.

For two nights, it took two hours to get him to settle. Last night, things peaked and he refused completely. It went on for hours. This has never happened before. Finally, at 11pm, I brought him into him. our room and he slept until 6 a.m. He kept screaming, Mommy, Mama, Mama, that's my impression. When you're tired, I'm assuming that's what he's doing. He has become extra clingy to me of late and tells my husband, go away, go away, bye-bye. He is in daycare full-time and we have a five-month-old girl.

Gradually, I've been doing nearly all of his bath and bedtime routine. Is this separate? Operation anxiety. Any thoughts on what I could do. Thanks very much. Love the pod. Okay. So I'm sitting a bit further back because my breeding is particularly bad today. So I'm worried that it is. It's not. It is. I did a lung function test there two weeks ago. And the guy liked me at the start and hated me at the end because I can't breathe. I can't breathe anymore. What's the lung function test? You blow into the thing and the ball goes into the air. That's it. Well, no, it's not like that anymore. It's a computerized thing now. computers are taken over the computers are taken over the world but uh i can't breathe and i'm sorry i'm trying my best to breathe and talk at the same nobody even noticed you until he said it okay sir well i've don't know enough about this but my intuition tells me don't enough about this kid yeah the kid and the situation my intuition tells me the five-month-old has gotten a little bit more awake to the world the five-month-old is probably entertaining the family a little bit more than they

are. And the five-month-old is not being sent off to daycare full-time. And I'd imagine there's a tiny bit of him saying, what the fuck is going on here? What the fuck? Why am I being outsource? And look, what the mom's not doing anything wrong. He, she has an availability to send him off to childcare for the day. That is great. He's getting hopefully cared for really well. He's socializing and he's probably you know hopefully learning a few different things and gaining independence what age did she say was he in two um yeah I think it was two that was it yeah um the night nighttime thing it's pretty normal for a two-year-old to start causing a tiny bit of a fuss I mean the bedtime routine is never ever ever going to say the same in fact sometimes

the minute you have like a few days or you even consciously think wow bedtime's really good at the moment. That's it. It's done. Bedtime's about to suck. You jinxed it. Yeah. Because it changes all the time. He probably has back teeth coming in, which would be annoying him, but I'd imagine he's a little bit like just

feeling a little bit I want to see mummy at nighttime too. She said when she brought him in, he saddled and he's out in the room. Like these kids are so clever. They observe everything. They're awake to the world. They know. The baby's getting a lot of attention. It is no. I would say you have such a good bedtime routine going.

Just change it up a little bit. You know, bring something into his room, even if it's new bed sheets that are very special for him, a new storybook. And I think maybe now it's time for a music light. They work brilliantly where once you've done story and you've given a kiss, you tell them, okay, I'm putting on your music box now.

The light, you don't have to turn on the light, but sometimes there's lights on the ceilings. You can watch the pictures or you can listen to the music and pop off to sleep. Sometimes just a change like that can help them resettle into a new routine of sleeping. This parents really jumped on it quick, though, because this has only happened in the last three days. And it is a bit quick, but it shows how tired that poor mom must be. Yeah, but she's worried that the pattern is taking cold now. And that is the thing.

It's like, how many times the parent do you think, oh no, is this going to be my life? And she's right to think that because we don't know how. she's dealt with the time when he has acted out now at night times so depending on the amount of attention he got for that the bigger he's going to go the next time because he's going to want the attention back i want to ask a question is the five-month-old when's the five-month-old going to bed because if the five-month-old is staying up to get a night feed yeah it can feel completely unfair yeah but i'm not going to give the mom any grief about that because not giving her grief no but i mean she's not going to be able to their bedtimes together. She's got a great routine going with the two-year-old. She's going to figure

out the little one. She can't really change that up too much because that baby's still small, still needs to be fed at different times, you know, sleeping a lot during the day. They're probably better off putting her to bed a bit later with them. I mean, yeah, the kid has noticed. I don't know is the baby, is the kid, maybe is there a way of making the two-year-old less conscious of the fact that he's going to bed and his little sister isn't. My intuition, right, as the non-transism non-trained behaviourist here would be that this little dude needs to be made feel like you're actually really special because you're the big guy. Oh yeah.

Yeah, that's a nice idea. But also... And what he's pining for and what I think you see a lot of is the older sibling wanting to be babyish and wanting more babying. Whereas if it was like, well, we're getting to do and maybe, including. incorporating stuff into the day that it's like, this is just for you because I know I can trust you and you're not a baby. Yeah, like we sometimes say that it's not the worst idea to say to the two or three year old. I know things are harder now that the baby's here.

And it's not that you're bitching about the baby. It's that you're reaching them with the empathy they need to hear because they're finding it really hard. Team up and demonize the child. You always do that to me, but that's not what I'm saying. That's how you're saying. But I really... It does sound fun to be like, I was a fogging baby. I didn't even want it, baby.

But I do think just changing up the space, the bedroom space, making it more special, making it your bigger boy now. This is for you. You know, the books. Turn it into a granny flat. That can really help. Yeah. You make a place he wants to go. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, look, what she has to do is stick to whatever she plans to do. He is going, he started pushing back. he's not going to give up on pushing back that quickly because pushing back always works at the start. So as long as she's consistent and, you know, when he wakes up, she gives him the huggy knees, she says good night, she puts him back to bed. Very, very hard for a woman who has a five-month-old. I don't know.

To have the energy to keep doing that. But if she can, that will work. I have no clue how any of you are doing it. We've won child and it was a lot. It was a lot. But then I was very unwell as well. I have my illness and I wasn't well either. But I mean, like, these people that have multiple.

It's unbelievable. I remember Seth Myers' joke about you've never met parents more chilled out than parents with five kids. A bomb could go off in the other room and they're like, they're figured out. Whereas you're chasing one of your kids around trying to stop them from hitting their head off the corner of the coffee table. I get very overwhelmed and I feel for this mom and this question because she's panicking

as the thought of how overwhelming this is like I get days where and our kid's 15 now and I get days where I'm so overwhelmed I just don't want to be out in the world at all I just I'm just like you know that's not just

blame our kid for that that's just your personality yeah it's more it's more just like how much we've on at the moment. And this is half the reason this podcast is so sporadic at the moment. Well, we've worked out. The only way you can do a podcast is if you're married to the co-host because you don't have time otherwise to do. Multiple marriages and gay marriages will have a lot

of podcasts. So final words for this, mom or anyone who's struggling with a similar situation of a kid that suddenly started being clinging and won't go to bed is to rejig that room that they're going to sleep then number one. Well, the routine she is going is brilliant. So you can completely understand why she's panicking. But you will get that back. Just develop your new plan and be consistent. I acknowledge that, okay, I've given them attention for this behavior.

That's okay. That's done now. It only takes four days to break that pattern. I'm not saying to be mean. You just do less talking. You do the hooking, returning to bed, telling them they're a great land. You're going to need to do that a few times. And honestly, if you've got a little Bambino at the same time, do what you can.

But if you're able to stick with it, it will work. And make sure to quietly bitch to the older kids about what an inconvenience this baby has been. You know that's not what I mean. I think I deserve a bit of credit for across this tour, which is now where 30 dates into the tour. There's another 20 to go before our summer break. You can get tickets at jigser.com forward slash gigs. I am coming to England, the UK, Derry, Glasgow, Birmingham, Newcastle. And I haven't Tina, at any point across the tour, thrown a single tantrum?

I don't think that's true. I think when we're in New York, the people. working the show. Are you kidding me? You think that was not a justified tantrum? Oh, I think you were justified, but I didn't throw a tantrum, right? Number one. True. You should have. Like, I simmered with absolute rage. I have so many videos of, well, like, they were, you're filming the whole thing. I was, yeah. So, so, so basically, the show is so simple. But this happens so much. The show is basically, the only musical and sound cues in it. If you'll come and see the show, though, just like it's just a show. It's just music on.

Yeah. Walk out, introduce yourself and on you go and we do 90 minutes of comedy. Like getting the microphone to be on at the side of the stage. And you would think you're on Broadway. Yeah, but you would... It's even worse than that because part of my job is emailing and corresponding with the sound and light technicians for weeks and weeks and weeks before these shows. And they keep asking. So then what?

And then this. And then I'll go to the trouble of actually giving them line to line, beat to beat at the whole show so that there's nothing that is a surprise. Then I'll check in a few days before. Is this all still in place? If you've got any questions for me, everything's so fine. I'll check in the day at this show. Everything's all fine. And nine out of ten times we'll get there and they have not read it.

Who are you talking to up to this point? Yeah. I would think that like the people that you were talking to are suddenly not working that night. or the people that are there are like, no, they never passed on that email. So now we have to go through it all again. True it all again. And Soundcheck is only supposed to be half an hour. But they always act like this is a huge inconvenience.

I can't believe that you're asking for this. It's like you had a stage show in here. You had a pantow on it here. But it's the lack of respect for the comedian, though, because we know from doing the shows, all these bits matter so much because all you want the whole time is for the audience to be relaxed and buzzing and having a good time. You don't for a moment want them to be like, what's going on? It sounds like you were closer to having the tantrum than me.

Yeah. But anyway, this did. I was joking out. I haven't thrown a single tantrum across the tour. I get, when I see a kid throwing a tantrum, I get how good that must feel to just vent it all sometimes. I don't know because you just know they're going to have a little headache for the rest of the day. But these rage rooms are a real thing now where you can go in and trash the place.

You get goggles. You get over all. you get a baseball bat. And I would say there's plenty of parents listen to this now. I're like, yeah, sign me up. Whereabouts is this? See, I don't get the rage room thing

and I think that's my Catholic guilt upbringing. You wouldn't like to break that stuff. I couldn't break it without feeling bad. So I'd leave it worse about it. You just helping with recycling. Yeah, I don't know. Are you though? Well, our final question today is about tantrums.

A lovely email this week and we always get emails from you guys. We do our very best to reply to them. We've just been overwhelmed with emails. We did tell them on the last episode that I will try and reply to as many on air, but it's really hard for me to keep up with emails. Just trying to reiterate that point that, you know, if it doesn't get dealt with on air, we're doing our level best, okay, because there's an awful lot of them coming in.

I love the podcast. Thank you so much for all the work that you do. It's fascinating to listen to and feel less alone in this parent scape. I have a 22-month-old daughter who is the best. crack. She's just starting to get to the age now that when she is told no, if something is not allowed, or more importantly, not safe, she just starts thrashing and screaming. Usually repeating whatever it is that she wants, door open, coat off, get out of the car seat. I usually try to distract her, but it feels like that's getting harder now. Also have tried letting her thrash it out and then offering a hug when she's done.

I hate having to force her to do anything. It just seems wrong to overpower her, though sometimes I have to, i.e. getting into the buggy or the car seat. What is the best way to handle this, this kind of tantrum? I would also love if you could recommend some reading material around boundaries and discipline for toddlers.

Literally your specialist subject, this is right up your street. well yeah like we'll get to the reading later but let's talk about the the tantrum it says she says right from the start she's getting to the age where is there an age yeah well we all know this it used to be the terrible twos but now it's a terrible three so it's like this period between two to four and what is it really it's just the kid trying to assert their own independence their own choice their own wants and their own needs and there's a particular period of order they're going through there's have this massive sense of what is order in their life how things should be and as grown-ups

we tend to not really understand how how high that sensitivity for order is in a three to six-year-old or a two to five-year-old there's this period of it where they're particularly sensitive so you can set a child that age off over very little. Like, you know, if you don't put the cushion back on the couch where they think the cushion could be, that could upset them. If you cut their sausages in half and they wanted their sausages to be one, I mean, there are lots of things that it's one of the tantrums from earlier in the tour. Yeah. But like, it all seems so small to us, but it is so big to them because they had it in their mind. It's like if, apologies to any men listening right now.

But for me, the only way I can explain it is the night before you're about to get your period, you want things done a certain way. And if they're not done a certain way, you feel like you might kill someone. That might just be me. I don't know. But I would imagine that is very much how a toddler feels at this age and that sensitivity. Because they're just like, this is how it should be. So what can we do as the grownups?

We need to help them by giving them. reasons or options or helping them feel like they're in on the choice that it's not being put on them that you know they get they have a voice now we're going to listen to it and for me the few the main things at this age is first of all you have to keep your toddler safe and just telling them that can sometimes help it's my job to keep you safe this is not safe I have to do this order wise I can't keep you safe and I love you so much they love feeling safe. Children love feeling like someone wants to keep them safe. That can help a lot at the time. Like, I can't let you sit in the car seat like that because it's my job to keep you

safe. This is the way you have to sit in the car safe. Car seat. So in order for me to keep you safe, I have to do it like this. And they just want to feel safe. So a lot of the time, that will work. Then you have options. You can give two choices. You know, They don't want to put on their shoes. You know, they don't like their shoes. Don't listen or interact with that. Just come back with options. You can wear this or that.

It's time for you to make your choice. Which ones are you going to wear? You just wait. You're giving them a choice. I don't like either of those shoes. I want to go my bare feet. You don't interact with that. You say, we have to wear shoes, which shoes do we want to wear.

These ones are this ones. Okay, Mommy has given you a chance to choose. Now I'm going to count to five. And like this woman said, she doesn't like overpowering her, but you've given her the opportunity of her choice. So now you say, well, I've given you a chance to choose. I'm going to count to five. On five, if you haven't picked it yet, I have to.

And you have to stick to that. Because if you don't stick to that the next time, it won't work. But if you do stick to that, the next time I'm just saying, I'm going to go to five. By the time I get to five, it's my choice. We'll be enough for them to go, oh, no, I want to keep in charge of that. And then you have there now and next, which I always go back to. sometimes if a child doesn't know what is happening in the day and we're assuming that they're

in tune with us and they just know what we're doing like imagine how annoying that is for a kid they don't know you have the whole day planned out but they have no idea and then you're coming in and saying okay we're going to shops in a second but that's the first time they're hearing out of it even though you've had the luxury of knowing the whole day that you're going to the shops at this time i just think we don't tell kids enough it's really good to inform them the whole time Right, now you're having a breakfast, but next we're going to the shops. We're going to the shops now and then we'll be doing this. It's just really nice.

It's a now and then or now and next. Just nice to keep them informed. So all these things minimise the possibility of meltdowns because they don't feel like they don't know what's going on. And they just want to feel like they have a little piece of the puzzle in their head. It's probably the biggest meltdown, isn't it? We're going now. Yeah. And there's an unfairness to that.

like you know where you're going all the time but I'm watching YouTube but there's such an unfairness here I really do feel like she says about the reading Maria Montessori books are very hard to read they're translated terribly but if you can get through them

they are the keys to parenting I've said it before I went to Montessori College with a girl called Margie and she wasn't there to be a teacher she was just there to be a better mom and there's no way you don't finish a Montessori book and feel like, okay, I completely understand why my kid is doing this. She unlocks the reasons to every child's behavior and she did it so well that the world is still only

catching up with it now. Any new kind of educational things in your school, Maria Montessori got there first 100 years ago. Is there an argument, is there anything to be said for another mass? Is there anything to be said for a timer? somewhere in the house, like an egg timer or something that, you know, a tick, tick, tick. Timers are, we go a minute left on this and when that goes off, we're done. Timers are great. I love them, but I wouldn't introduce them until they're really needed.

Okay. Because you always want, like, a timer is great. Some kids do need a timer. They need a visual egg timer. But if that works for you, great. But I would not introduce that till later on. And I hate when a timer is introduced to the punishment. Yeah.

Like I don't believe in timeouts and I hate when a kid is given a timer and got to sit in a chair and wait till the like, like, things like, really straight forward. We've always said this and this has been the feedback that it's like, well, this is what the kid needs. This is centered around this idea that, you know, listening to the child and being aware of where they're at and what might be impacting upon them. But equally, we get the feedback from people who, uh, feel like they've tried everything. They feel like they're doing what they should be doing.

Is some of it that you can't really say that the patience that you have with kids, I see your patience with kids is unbelievable. I don't think a lot of people automatically have that level of patience. Can you build it or do people just have to switch that in their mind that I'm going to need to

allow more time. Yeah. And that's a really, really good question. I mean, definitely doing the podcast, I feel a huge responsibility because I always feel bad that I'm not in the room. I don't like ordinarily back in the day, I would have gone to the house. I would have gotten to know the child. I'd observe the kid or if they're in the classroom. I completely know what that kid needs. Because I've looked at it and I've seen the surroundings. I am doing a lot of guesswork here with the podcast. But I would never say anything I don't believe in. Now half the time, when it doesn't work, unfortunately, that is the parent's fault because if you're not able to follow true, it's never going to work. If you're not able to be consistent, it's not going to work. And like, that is not your fault.

And that's why I always say you've got to get before you're about to deal with a behavior and when you've been given the advice and the tools to do it, don't do it until you're fully committed to it. Because if you start toilet training your kid and you know that the way to do it is get rid of all the nappies, well, first of all, check that they're having dry nights. Are they actually ready for toilet training? They showed an interest. Then get rid of the nappies. Prepare yourself for a few days of wets. They're not going to get it straight away. How could they? And there's always going to be a wetsh along the way. but also use the timer be consistent every single time that works the only time it doesn't work is when for whatever reasons and I completely understand them because we're all out there trying to survive

it's too stressful it's causing too much fuss the pan the nappy goes back on disaster you're left with maybe a few months of trying to figure out toilet training because you didn't do that the right time you weren't willing to be consistent, you didn't follow the strict steps and it has to be strict because you're introducing a brand new routine. You has to be clear what is expected and how it's going to work. I mean, biting, sleeping, all of these things. You talk to any person who's trying to help with a behavior, they're always like, you'll only work. I can only help you if you're willing to do it. If you're willing to follow the steps.

I don't even know why parents do it, but sometimes they just can't. They want to do it, but they can't because they feel so bad. They get upset. Yeah, like she said, I feel bad forcing her. Even though you're never, I'm never encouraging anyone to be, I don't believe in negative, being negative with a child. But it's like they think that even following true on something like this, it's the follow true. Yeah.

Like Jerry, you did it. yourself last night. Yeah. You did it. And I had to say to Mikey that, you know, your dad's pushover. Because we had agreed a movie he wanted to watch was not happening. Yep. He talked Jarlet into it and he ended up getting it.

And that was all wrong. But he, you know, for whatever reasons, he got to do it. Now, would I have folded on that? No. You did because you couldn't cope with how bad it made you feel. bringing your own shit to it yeah you're bringing your own childhood absolutely again i don't want i don't like it to have but it happened to me and but like this is the gig yeah the strong parenting and straight lines and clear boundaries and no means no and if you if you tell them this is going to happen if you do that

they feel safer and they feel happier knowing doing this podcast i get really stressed out sometimes but i'm not i am very shy modest person tell me about a fucking nightmare. But I know, I, baby to 10-year-old kids, I fully feel confident in that I know what I'm doing there and I can help you. I adore children. I just want them to be happy. So I feel happy enough.

Like, I know everyone can be wrong and I don't get to see the kids. I'm always saying, saying, if this isn't right, come back to me. Let's try something else. There's no one fix. but it does come down to are you willing to do the work? Yeah, we've got to do the job. We have to do the job, lads,

but we're not in alone, and that's where we started this episode and we'll finish it. You're not on your own. You can email the podcast, and we can do our level best to help you with the help of Tina. And the community that this is creative.

Thank you so much for listening, for downloading, for recommending, rating, commenting, subscribing, all the rest of it, spreading the word. There's no marketing budget for this podcast. It's just you guys telling people. I also think just the nicest people getting in touch.

I mean, it means a lot and we're so grateful. What are we now? Four years into this? Yeah, it's crazy. Massive support. We're so lucky. Thank you so, so much. And yeah, we'll see it in a couple of weeks time.

I guess we're going to start discussing what this summer is going to look like for a lot of us. Yeah. And the challenges that that brings. So get your emails in Honey Your RoottingerKidatatat.com. Tina. Thank you so much. I love you so much. And we'll see you guys next time.